This post is in response to Stacey’s question, who said that she didn’t want to give up on him as she is a Christian. But how does she ask him to leave her home? At the end of this post, I offer a guide of what to do, to get him to leave your home.

 

I’ve been doing a lot of research lately on this disorder and believe that I am dating a sociopath as 17 out of these 18 signs were spot on. I have known him for years and we just began dating a few months ago and he moved in shortly after. How do I end things and get him to move out of my house? I do feel as though I am the only one there for him and he has inconsistent income. Being a Christian it is hard to give up on him, but I know this is what I need to do. Please help or direct me to an article that may help me end things.

Dear Stacey,

Thank you for your comment. I wanted to write my response as a post, as I think you raise some important issues, that I know are common difficulties for many who want to leave a psycho. You are right to question, ‘how do I get him to move out of my house?’.

For someone who hasn’t been involved with this particular type of personality, they might think well the answer is you just ask him/her to leave.

Perhaps, if you were involved with a narcissist, or someone who was just a chancing freeloader, simply asking them to leave, might work. Sure you might get some abuse, but threaten to call the police if they refuse to go, and likely they would move out. This would be a relief, as likely the Narcissist would be putting you down, and making you feel miserable, to make themselves feel better.

The psycho is a different personality type. They usually have a ‘victim type’. Ordinarily this will be someone who is

• Kind, compassionate and thoughtful towards others (he would have checked this with you, at the ‘Assessment stage‘).

You say that you are a Christian, and that it is hard for you to give up on him, due to your beliefs. Likely you are a kind, caring person who wants to help someone, particularly someone who is down on their luck. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was how he moved into your property in the first place. 

The psycho will usually look for a victim who is identifying as someone who has something missing in their life. You would also be looking for someone else to fulfil that void. This can include:

• The bereaved
• Single parents
• Previously heartbroken by a former partner who perhaps hadn’t treated you right
• Formerly abused
• Those connected to the church (they can be known to hang around church to meet victims)
• Those with addictions
• People with serious life problems (that they will offer to help/solve)
• The disabled
• Recently abused
• Lonely people
• And even those with great wealth, who advertise how much they have to give away/share
• People who work in the care profession

I am sure that the list is much longer. But the above are the primary ones that spring to mind for me.

Who they target, usually depends on what they want? And if they think that you can give them what they want? The easier that you are to manipulate and therefore control, the more interested in you that they will be. Sometimes, it will be for their own entertainment and fun. Because they are bored, and it will be a good game to play. Other times, it is because they want something from you.

I know of three females that my ex was with after me.

1. Single parent, recently betrayed by former partner
2. A psychologist (she ended up in therapy, and her family had to ask him to leave her home). Also a single parent.
3. Someone who worked in a solicitors – the mother of his child had said to him that he needed to take her to court if he wanted access to his child. She also had her own home. Was a single parent.

Your email doesn’t offer too much information. Why do you think he is a Sociopath? Or what has happened, that you now want to get him out of your home? I will presume that the following is happening – please feel free to tell me, if this isn’t the case:

• You are financially paying for everything. You feel like a financial tap has been turned on, and you don’t quite know how to turn it off.
• Things are just going ‘wrong’
• Dramatic things are happening in your life (usually engineered by the sociopath)
• You don’t have space for your own life, or your own thoughts anymore
• What might have been a temporary arrangement (or might not), now feels like it is never ending
• Your needs are not being taken care of, as all of your energy and time is spent either tending to his needs (and you feel bad, if you don’t), or micromanaging the constant drama that is happening.
• You feel like you are losing your sense of identity
• You don’t feel ‘at home’ in your own home
• You feel monitored and watched
• You are constantly questioned, or feel like you have to give explanation
• You no longer spend time with other people, increasingly it is you and him time
• You might have items of belongings that have gone missing, there is no explanation, and the person who is living with you, tells you that you must have lost, or misplaced those things
• Most importantly, as this person is living in your home, you feel that there is no way out. How can you not pay for his food, when you need to eat yourself? How can you not pay his bills, when you need to pay for the roof over your own head, and your own household bills?

This wasn’t the deal right? This wasn’t what you signed up to? Now you feel trapped.

I want you to know, that this is common psychopathic behaviour. They question you, to find out if you will give them what they want. They will offer to help you, be very helpful, kind and caring towards you. They make out that this will just be a temporary thing. They sell you a product that doesn’t actually exist. You are now tired of waiting for what was promised to materialise.

But how do you get out of this situation? Maybe you have tried to talking to him. He just isn’t taking the hint. Or worse, he guilt trips you. Tells you that he will not have anywhere else to go. He might use your faith against you. Telling you that you are a bad Christian. He might threaten to tell other people at the Church, exactly who you are. Despite those allegations are not true, and you would be mortified if he did that.

What do you fear? 

The sociopath already knows all about you. He knows more about you, than you could possibly know. By being in your home, he has access to so much information. He will threaten you with, very subtly. He will play the honourable man. He will make you question your own reality, of who you really are. He might either completely isolate you from others. Or ensure that whenever you spend time with other people, he is also there too. So that you are shut off from external support. If he is there, when you see other people, he will be subtly controlling their opinion of you, furthering your sense of isolation. Meanwhile, he will of course, be there to help you through this difficult time (that he has created).

The question of ‘what do you fear?’ is an important one. As this is the one thing that the Sociopath will place pressure on, to get you to comply to his needs.

Advice – what to do to get him out of your home

• Tell him that he has to leave. Time frame this. Maybe in a weeks time. Or two weeks. Whatever suits you. Just say that you need your space back. You don’t need to give any further reasons why.
• Don’t be manipulated that he has nowhere else to go. This isn’t your problem.
• Write down a list of WHY you want him to leave your home. Keep this in a safe place. (Locked away in your car if you have one). If you feel that you are being manipulated, return to this list, to help keep you strong. Continue to add to the list as each behavioural incident occurs (manipulation will cloud your memory of events)
•  The truth is, he could find somewhere else to go, but he won’t if he can live off you for free.
• Be firm, be confident, even if you don’t feel that way. Fake it until you make it. Make it clear, that you will not change your mind. Remind him during that time frame that he needs to find somewhere else, if he doesn’t it won’t be your fault if he has nowhere else to go.
• Offer to help him find somewhere else. But be clear that you cannot pay for it. Cut off the financial supply.
• Expect that he likely will start being good, pulling his weight, make promises that he will pay his way, start being very helpful and useful. Remember that this will not last. The outcome will always be the same. The cycle will repeat. It will keep repeating for as long as you allow it.
• Be strong, expect that things could get worse and escalate if when he finally does move out. Or prior to. Expect that he will use anything that he has against you, to blacken your name. To make you look bad to others. He will threaten what he will say about you. Do not live in fear of this. The truth is, he will likely do this anyway, once connections are cut. Nothing you do or say can stop this. The outcome will always be the same.
• Focus on you. Your life. Remember that you cannot fix anybody else. You can only fix yourself.
• You are not a bad person for asking someone to leave your home, who has taken over, and is making your life a misery. You are only responsible for taking care of your needs.
• If you reach the end date, and he refuses to leave your home, say that you will call the police to ask to have him removed from your home, ensure that you follow through with this. Do call the police if necessary, have him removed as a trespasser. Never make threats that you are not prepared to follow through. Calling the police on somebody if it came to that, can be scary, particularly if you have had not had police involvement before, but it is important that you do this, otherwise his free ride could last for a very long time (years even). Don’t feel bad, or worry that you will ‘get him into trouble’ by calling the police.
• Once he has gone. Make sure that you change the locks.
• Try to speak to one friend/family member that you trust. Ensure that this is NOT a mutual friend. Likely you could feel embarrassed and not want to talk to anyone about what has happened. This is the time that you need to lose your pride. Just speaking to one person that you trust, (that isn’t a mutual associate) can help to support you.

Remember

• Give an end date
• Write a list to remind you why you need him to leave (put this in a safe place)
• Speak to one friend/family member (that isn’t mutual associate) for support
• Cut off his supply
• Try not to be scared of his threats of what he will do to you, if you don’t do what he wants.
• It is OK to help him to find somewhere else
• Expect threats, manipulation, threatening to blacken your name. You cannot change this, and likely this will be the outcome anyway (but the longer you leave it, the more it costs)
• Remember that you cannot fix him. You can only fix you.
• If he still refuses to leave. Call the police.

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