You should feel flattered when the sociopath goes to great lengths to deliberately make you feel jealous.
I know, in rational thought, you should be happy that he/she is gone from your life. Hurray, they have a new source for supply.
But deep down, there is this sinking feeling. A feeling where you wonder why is he now being the great guy? Why is it that he is now getting his life together? Why should someone else benefit?
You will notice that the sociopath, once discovered for who he really is, will not leave quietly, but will instead do all that he can to make you jealous.
He loves to tell you, or to drop subtle hints, so that you discover what he is now doing with his life
- How he has met someone new
- How great and fantastic this is
- How he is now successful
- How he is now doing EVERYTHING that you wanted him to do when he was with you
You should remember, that the sociopath is the master of illusion. Whilst he was manipulating and deceiving you whilst he was with you, he will continue to do this with you until he finally finds a new source for supply and discards you altogether.
It might hurt that this person has moved onto someone else, and you might tell yourself, ‘why is it that i got all the crap, and the next person gets the good guy?’ or ‘why did he live off me financially and now he is supporting himself?’
Do NOT fall into this trap of thinking, for this is all that it is, a trap.
If you are thinking this way the sociopath still has power over you, and control over you. He will do and say all that he can to get a reaction from you.
- Remember he is a magician, a master of illusion
- Remember that he is a compulsive pathological liar
- Remember that he mirrors back to you, what you wanted
When all else fails, the next manipulation tool for the sociopath is to try to make you feel jealous. This will make the sociopath feel better, because he loves two things
- To win
- To be in control
You might think, but we are not together anymore, why would he do this? A sociopath will never fully let go of a potential form of supply, if there is a chance that he could milk one last drop of supply from you.
If you start to feel jealous. Stop – think!!! What are you actually feeling jealous of?
You are being manipulated again. Someone who is right for you will not make you feel this way. Will not play games with you. Will have more respect for you than to lie to you, and would never lead you on, or lead you into a false sense of security. Someone who is not a sociopath, will respect you, your welfare, your life and your needs. A sociopath thinks only of himself. If he is trying to make you jealous, it means only one thing, that you are moving forward and he wants to show you, how jealous he is of this. His attempts to make you jealous, show only one thing – how jealous he is of YOU!.
Words © datingasociopath.com
43 thoughts on “Let go of the jealousy and focus on YOU!”
This article was amazing!!!! My ex who I’ve been in NC with for almost two months cheated on me which a woman who lives 1300 miles away from him..he met her online while trolling for prey bc that is what predators do….last week I received a text from the new supply or the OW telling me that she is sorry for my loss bc my relationship with the ex did not work out…how she understands how I feel bc he is the most wonderful man and how close she is with his family (he only has his mother) and how they were looking for flawless 4 carat rings, looking to buy an insane house, planning to marry and have a child and have grown as lovers and have had a whirlwind romance…immediately I saw that what she said he will be giving to her is what he promised me…and I have a feeling he had her text me to make me jealous and get a rise out if me….and last a whirlwind romance??? The guy had a relationship with me while with her telling me all the promises he made me and so please how is dating wo people a whirlwind romance???? And the reason he discarded me was because I caught him back on dating websites in April….if he was solo in love with her why would he be on dating websites??? Give me a break…but your article has helped me see that it’s all lies, and tha he is trying to make me jealous bc he is jealous I moved on after 8 years!!!
Oh absolutely….. and also remember that all those empty promises, he is now giving her!!! Its all lies he is telling her about the 4 carat rings, marriage and having a child etc…. ect she is the recipient of the lies now, and not you!!! You are free… to meet someone who doesn’t tell you lies, who is genuine and honest, and who can offer you more than empty promises and words!! Go you!!
I love your website! it is fantastic and has helped me so much since breaking up with my sociopath last week. I work with him, so its been very tough. Hes been avoiding me until today, when he came into the common room all smiling, wearing a new shirt and laughing and joking loudly with colleagues. He also kept looking at his phone, very obviously, which he never usually carries around with him. Now I realise after reading the comments above that its a continuation of his game.
I have finally realised what he is like, took me three years, loads of warnings, chances, empty promises. I have felt humiliated, stupid, lonely and trampled on. Frustrated also, as its hard to grasp the confusion he causes purposely and intentionally. He is a dilusional person who believes and carries out his dilusions. There was a time when I thought he was his own worst enemy, but now I realise his dilusions are not accidental. They are part of a game of winning and control. I dont understand him, and never will. And someday soon I hope Ill stop trying to.
Thank you for your website. xx
Hi sunshine – welcome to the site. I hope that it offers support for you! 🙂
Hey Sunshine, I also work with my ex-sociopath and it has only been a couple of weeks since I ended things with him. He is doing the exact same thing and told me he is moving on to find a woman that can make him the center of her universe-something I apparently couldnt do for him since I had so many other priorities- like children, family and friends…something he does not have.
He has a way of getting into my mind and I am doing my best to pretend that I am doing fine because I know thats the only way to stop him from taking from me. Its so hard to think of him with someone else though because I remember the way he was with me when things were good and it was the best feeling in the world. I wish I could stop feeling anything for him- I want to move on with my life.
I know it’s been a while since this was posted and I hope you are feeling better and have happily moved on. I am 10 months in to a relationship with a man I believe is a sociopath! It started off beautiful, magical, like a fairytale, a whirlwind romance! He told me he loved me after a week, invited me on holiday after two weeks and three weeks in he said he’d ask me to marry him one day. I was smitten, he’s gorgeous, intelligent, hard working, friendly, would do anything for anyone. The sex is incredible and he makes me laugh more than I’ve laughed before, he is a magnificent storyteller and all the women love him. After a month in he invited our mutual female friend out to lunch to say thank you for putting us together. He fed another woman’s cat and as he’s apparently difficult to buy for so she invited him out for lunch. He had also booked theatre tickets for him and another woman ‘friend’ but I said I didn’t feel comfortable him taking her (tickets bought before he met me) he said he’d rather take me but that was after a verbal fight with woman who incidentely flirts with him and told us numerous times over lunch how horny she felt! He has quite a few female friends and acts a little inappropriately with them all. He says I mean more to him than them. He wanted to stay friends with his ex gf. After a couple of months he backed off a bit, said he felt more content than he’d ever felt before and he wouldn’t worry if we never had sex again! He constantly tries to make me jealous, he talks about other women and tells me all about his conquests over the years. Many young policewomen, loads from clubs he attended and sex in his van sometimes with more than one woman. He’s cheated on most girlfriends and his ex wife but insists I’m the love of his life and he respects me. I must admit I have asked exs about him and he’s not said these things to them. They do say he stalked them when they broke up! He took me to a memorial
service where he knew his ex would be and stood staring at her until she was visibly shaking. He insisted he didn’t go there on purpose but said she did look intimidated! A word he uses frequently. Does he sound like a sociopath? Has anyone else had these problems? His exs say he lies, manipulates, and is a serial cheat 😦 I want to give him a chance but I’m scared and I hate the obvious attempts at jealousy! I am a little scared to leave in case he stalk. me
I’m scared right now, because I feel so betrated
Hi Maria. I know it can be scary to feel that you have put trust into someone who was a pathological liar. Betrayal hurt so much because it never comes from your enemies. I know that this is painful. But the lesson that you will learn is to trust yourself. You are whole and nobody can take you away from you. Even if it feels that way. You will heal and recover. Please go no contact. Which means no contact at all. Focus on you and begin to heal. You can do this.
was with a sociopath for 5 years this past nov 16. nov 27 had a small fight he didnt come home. 2 days later comes home grabs a duffle bag, couple outfits, takes off his ring (was a gift for our 4th anniversary) left his house key and said he was leaving didnt know for how long. 4 days later posts on facebook hes engaged . hes been gone 6 weeks, has a job, bought her a ring and has now set a wedding date. the 5 years we were together he worked 3 months. took care of my children while i worked. the last month he was here kept complaining about everything. said he felt used . when i spoke to him after he left he said he left because i broke his heart by not hearing his cries. told me all this was my fault . that he truly believed he was going to spend the rest of his life with me. that he did what was best for him. we have a 3 1/2 year old together who he wanted to see for christmas and i wouldnt let him. in the 6 weeks hes been gone he has not asked about him 1 time. he told me about 2 years or so ago after one of his psych appointments that that diagnosed him as a sociopath. the problem im having besides a lot of jealousy is how do i turn off the feelings i had/have for him? He made it clear he wants nothing to do with me, that he has nothing but hate for me. How do you go from telling me 6 1/2 weeks ago that im your heart, your world, your eveything and would die without me to pure hate and now telling the new girl those exact words? my heart is broken and i can wrap my head around all of this. The years we were together he somehow isolated me from my family and friends. i have in just the last few weeks started talking to all them again and they said they fully understand what happened. some seen it others didnt. i sometimes feel like im obsessed with his new relationship i think because i didnt get any closure. i seen none of this coming. i fully expected him to come hoe that night and we talk and make up from a fight that was so stupid to begin with. feel like im in complete shock and just waiting to wake up from this nightmare. has anyone else felt this way or been in a situation close to this? does this sound like a sociopath or did i really just break his heart and push him away? please help….feel like im going crazy. which by the way he always told me.
Hi Theresa welcome to the site. Everything that you write about I really do understand. Look for the posts on
let go of the jealousy and focus on you,
sociopaths love to make you jealous,
the relationship is over so why cant you let go, take me to your drug dealer,
the sociopath silent treatment,
coping with the pain of discard.
Lots of posts… maybe try to go through them. (there is an index on the side and posts are listed from beginning last Feb 13, perhaps go through them)
Theresa you are not crazy, I am in the same boat and I feel for you bc we have some things in common with what we went through. I too had no closure he on xmas day gave me a brass heart engraved with our nick names on it and told me to carry it with me always and the next day he dumped me..out of the blue. said I made him want to kill himself. that I was the problem. it’s so hard to let go.. when you felt like you would have done anything to work things out and fix it. but now that I know all I know and have read so much and analyzed all his “odd” behaviors I know what he is and I am going to heal and move on. I found out bc I saw the phone activity on his cell phone bill…the whole month of December he had been making hours long calls with another girl and texting and so on… I found condoms missing from our bedroom dressor too..and I knew exactly how many was supposed to be in there he lied to me about what happened to them of course. Lie after lie… manipulation after manipulation… constantly telling me he wanted to die without me or kill himself over and over… and then one day poof…gone and he looked at me with contempt and dismissal and didn’t care that I was sobbing uncontrollably and begging him to work things out…at the time I had no real proof of the other woman and when I confronted him he of course lied. its just sick that these people are allowed to live in our society wreeking havoc wherever they go. it was 4 years for us. he has a son to his ex wife.. but thank god I never had children with him. and get this is son was diagnosed with “no empathy” when I insisted something was wrong with his son he did set up an apt with a psychologist and that was the result that and the high functioning autism. but the no empathy thing should have been my first clue…bc his daddy has none too. Chin up girl you are not alone and I pray you find peace and closure… it will happen…and karma will happen to him too.
awesome website, thank you this helped me so much
Thank you Jessy!! Welcome too the site. I hope that you receive good support here! 🙂
Its hard to not feel jealous. I made this mistake of telling the new girl everything. I sent her all the text he sent me and she was mad at first but has now told me I am crazy, he is perfect and “ill die trying to break them up again” I am on day 8 of no contact and today was a better day than yesterday, I still am heartbroken at how I was treated by a man I thought at one point loved me like I loved him. Im a pretty strong person and I got away or discarded easier than a lot of woman per what I have read here. I am 110% sure he is a SP. I know at some point his new girl will feel what I am feeling now. He already told me in a text he was just with her because he had no choice, no where else to stay.
I know that you are hurting right now. But I want to repeat back the following sentences to you. They are your words, and all of these sentences are you.
1. I am 110% sure he is a sociopath
2. The new girl will feel the way that I am feeling now
3. He told you that he was just using her, that he was with her as he had nowhere else to stay
I want you to write those statements down on a piece of paper. As these thoughts come to you, write them down, and when you are feeling low, and beating yourself up, blaming yourself or feeling bad, go back to these sentences. They will help to keep you strong.
Thank you Positivagirl. This website has been HUGE in helping me see I am not crazy and to understand what a SP is. The hurt is still there and every day it gets easier, but all the things he said after I told her, keep running through my mind. How she is everything I am not, she does everything for him, he wants to marry her (he gave me a ring 1 month after we met. I wore it but told him I was not ready to get married any time soon) he loves her kids, she lives the kid of life he has always wanted. She fits him perfect in every way mind body and soul etc…
He came to me when I had just ended what very well could have been another SP. I am a widow with a 12 year old son. He came with nothing really, but I overlooked that because he was wonderful to my son and my son loved him! He seemed to be just what I was looking for. Over time when I questioned things, or wanted to talk about things is when I statred getting the silet treatment and told I was painful, I made it easy for him to walk out on me. Which happened often, he would pack up the few things he had and leave most of the time I couldnt understand what happened. My dogs didnt listen like the should or I didnt make him feel like this was his home. I became afraid to say anything for fear he would leave me again. He would come home from work always complaining about how everyone he worked with was out to get him. He hurt his back one day when he was at his house (which he lost soon after to foreclosure and his last victim gave him the 15,000 to put down on it. He has filed for bankruptcy and now she will never get her money back becuse he put her in there too) He went into work and faked that he hurt it there. Now he has a workers comp case against them and goes in and out of work as he sees fit.
From what he says no one likes him there but I think its because everyone knows about his lie. He has no friends that he is close with, I see now why. I have been lucky to have his last victim who has been wonderful to me. She listens to me any time and she pointed me in the direction of the internet for information and that is how I found my way here.
Thank you to everyone who has shared here, you are all angels to me.
I noticed you said his last victim has been wonderful to you. I also reached out to the ex wives of my sociopath ex husband. I’m having a moment tonight of much doubting myself and is he really a sociopath. It has been almost 2 years since I left and divorced him. He had another woman the very next week and married her 4 months later. Notice how fast they move from one relationship to the next. That’s not normal behavior (Red Flag). All of his 4 ex-wives had the same experience with him that I did. He is a Sociopath! I feel so much better now! Thank you!
This site is amazing. Truly. And funny, which lots of the other stuff I’ve looked at isn’t, which is why this is the first I’m commenting on.
I worked with my ex sociopath, he was my boss and he became my boyfriend. Boy, did I give him control over my whole life easily or what? Worked with him for another four months after we split but had to leave as he’d convinced colleagues I had a serious mental health problem, was stalking him, was a liar and incompetent at my job (none true, at least no more than any other person there). Luckily one senior person believed in me and believed he was a sociopath as she overheard him telling a very big lie and so her being on my side stopped me behaving even more of an hysteric loon.
We were best friends for half a year. We both split up with our partners to be together. After two months of being together he offered marriage, children, to buy a quarter of a million pound home together, me to quit work and be a full time mum (he knew this was my dream as when he met me I had just come back off maternity leave and missed my son very much – he seemed so interested in it all – ha!)
We played music together – he said ‘When you know you know. You are the first woman I’ve fantasised about that has lived up to the fantasy.’
Christmas day telling everyone I was the love of his life.
New Years Day – split up just ‘wanting to be alone’ and by the next week he is dating his hairdresser and playing the very same music we did with another colleague, giving her lifts, laughing loudly, standing about in doorways louchly talking to her.
Showing everyone photos of his new fit girlfriend he met on some dating website (didn’t work out with hairdresser) then saying to another colleague that he flirts with everyone (nice!) and that he could have sex with anyone (nice!)
I shook with confusion and jealousy at first. And then it hit me. He is a sociopath – he actually told me he was a few times and then made a joke of it. He also said ‘I feel nothing, absolutely nothing’
The thing about the jealousy is that you have to remember no woman is enough to feed his ego in totality. Familiarity breeds boredom. Convincing, nay tricking, people to love him is where he feels best. It’s where he bristles like a peacock and strides and beautifies and has new haircuts and uploads loads of photos to Facebook or wherever – all along he’s looking for the perfect woman – who doesn’t exist as she’d have to have no personality, always do what he wants and never make a mistake or have any weaknesses. And she would always have to make him look good. And have no needs of her own. Or stand up for herself. Or say no to any of his crackpot ideas.
He once said that he thought he could pull Beyoncé if he met her. Another time he said even if he did she’d probably bore him.
Why be jealous of whoever’s got him next? You’re lucky to be out of it.
I’m lucky to be out of it. The only thing I feel now is a terrible sadness that I believed all the horrid things he said about the one before me, and how he flaunted our relationship in her face and made me believe she was a nut job who never let him be himself (beware a man who has a string of psycho ex girlfriends – he’s the common denominator). She’d been with him for 8 years, and I wish I could see her now and say, ‘I am sorry. I thought you were a bitch. I thought you’d controlled him and kept him back from who he truly is. God knows how you lived with him all these years. He once said that I didn’t fall for all the little tricks he had for getting his way like you did. It was a point of pride then. It sickens me to think what he was confessing. I’m sorry. I hope you can be free of him. I know you are still friends. He’s not your friend. He told other girls he loved them behind your back for years. I deserve the new girls flaunted in my face to see what you really went though. I will never allow myself to be used as a weapon against another woman ever again.’
So…his jealousy – it’s his way of feeling special. I certainly don’t want him to feel special because of me. I’ve given him enough already.
Maria, don’t be too hard on yourself for believing the ex or ex’s were all bitches, he just did a good job of impression management. I saw this in mine and realised he was the common denominator and thought his ex girlfriends can’t all be mad. No they weren’t, and I noticed he never took responsibility for his own part in the break-ups, it was never his fault.
Sad that it takes us so long to stop giving them the benefit of doubt, but boy when we do, we see the writing on the wall and realise they will be calling us a crazy bitch behind our back now.
They rely on us believing every sick, twisted, lie they tell. They are masters at creating an illusion and selling it to us.
So you can’t worry about the next victim, or what lies he tells about you to her, just hope she sees the light and runs for the hills. You can’t tell her either because she wouldn’t believe it. She’ll be in the honeymoon period and he’ll be Prince Charming.
So, forgive yourself, then forgive yourself some more. You were conned on every level and if you allow him any space in your life, you’ll be conned some more.
Peace to you all xxx
Thank you Takeno More – all that is true. I sometimes think the thing that I’m left with now I’m ‘over’ it in the traditional sense, is how shocking it is that I was so ready to believe all his twisted nonsense. Still… I won’t be falling for that kind of thing again, so – phew!
Sounds identical to mine. Thanks for sharing!
I meant ‘your jealousy – it’s his way of feeling special.’
I was in lie with an sociopath for 2 yearconvincing,her cheating 2 times. Once with My best Friend in the next room when i was takng a nap. This was 6month into our relationship. Foolishly i chose to believe her over my best friend of 20years…over someone I knew for 6months. I was heads over heel for her. She said my friend led her on and I believe her. Everything was fine for awhile after I forgave her.
Fastfoward to 6month later. One time we had a huge argument and she threw the phone I brought her toward me..she left and thought it was broken, but yet she didn’t realize it wasdidn’t. But sheonly still working but it was logged in on to her face book account…only did I realized she was flirting with handful of guys and inviting them over…I don’t need to go in to details about that…during the next three days I was seeing her talking dirty to multiple guys…I was devastated… Eventually I confronted her with the proof and she finally broke down and admitted she was diagnosed as class a sociopath…she begged for forgiveness telling me sob story about her dysfunctional childhood…and like a blind man in love gave her a last chance.
She then offer me her fbook password and told me i can monitor it and only did i realized she had unbelievable amount of admirers or groupies if u want to called it..she got three different guys believe she had a imaginary baby with each and one of them after a random previous encounters which was before i had met her, so i gave her the benefit of the doubt and still forgave her.
Her story to these unknownly guys were so convincing it was so crazy, they brought it…anyhow she ceased contact with them…she had made so many internet friends fall in love with her that it was unbelievable…but she told me, your the only person that knows who iam. And that she will change for me. She told me everything you would need to know about a sociopath. How she couldn’t control herself from surfing on craiglist sexual encounter ads..how she would respond to those ads and only tease those gullible guys and make them fall in love with her, sometimes meeting them, most she didnt. But she told me she get a thrill and satisfication controlling these strangers heart and played with them….she shared everything to me, how she think …how easily bored she would get…I didn’t know what a sociopath was at the time. But after she told me I went online and did a research and it was scary…she fits the description to the t…
But yet I still gave her a chance. Why? Maybe I was so intrigued… I thought I might be the first person to change a sociopath… Lying to myself she admitted to me, so maybe a sociopath finally let guard down because she truly loved me? She was a mirror of me. She made me feel so good about myself…she molded herself to whatever emotional needs I have. She says I love you at the perfect
Time at the right moment each and everyday when we are together. I loved her to death. I never thought I can love someone so deep. She made me feel so good about myself that I overlooked this again…but I told her if I ever catch u again its over for sure.
Who am I kidding…1year later, which was two days ago. I caught her again…red handed….theyre was so much inconsistency even before this day which she destroyed my heart again. But this is the third strike….i need to be strong. I have to be. That is why i pass thru this blog and decide to share my story. I need support to get away from this unhealthy emotional cycle of relationship…i blocked her number, but im still scared she will call me thru private and yet i will succumb to her powers….god help me. I know i can get out of this relationship or is it illusion…alive. Wish me luck everyone.
Stay strong Jimmy. While you may love her. She is no good for you. She will continue to bring you down and make you question yourself, and feel as if you are nothing. Let her go and you will find someone to respect and love you.
Hey thanks for you support, really, i need this. Its been no contact for nearly two weeks. Its funny how i caught her this time. i actually got to know her pretty well. I can sense when she was tellin lies, which was almost all the time. But i was so use to it and trying to change her, i would just let them white lies go and give her the benefit of the doubt.
But this time was serious. Over the mother day weekend, i sensed something was wrong. We usually text and call all day. But on friday, 2 days before mothers day she acted funny. First thing in the morning she texted me “hey are u gonna come over today?”…. I had just saw her two days before and told her i was going to see her on monday..so a bell rang right in my head and i confronted her about the text. Right away she reversed it on me…oh babe i thought u said u was coming over and this and that….trying to confuse me and divert the attention from her…i knew what i said when i was with her the day before….she was trying to gaslight me and i half hearlty fell for it and let it go.
But later that day she would not pick up my phone at times and or just text saying her phone was dead and what? She can see my calls on her phone….unbelievable. I lety it slide till next day. Again things was weird. She didnt text me like she usually do…always some excuse. Oh im washing dishes, i didnt here your phone. Finally i blew up. I said is there someone else next to you? Why is it seems like u cant talk or something….first thing she says dont u dare to call me a whore or that i havent been faithful to you. So convincly made me doubt myself that i was over thinking things.
So i let it go again till next day. Early in the morning she text me her plans for the day….hey master u dont think im doing something. Im with my mom in the doctors office and we going to do this, then we going topick up brandon from school( her 7 yrs old son). So she was basically letting know her where abouts for that day so i dont think otherwise….but after those text, she was mia for half of the day. I didnt hear from her till 5 hours later….hey hun i just picked up brandon from school…im going to take a nap ok?…i startedfeeling a real uneasy feeling. A gut feeling she was trying to buy time…so i finally came out and said…your not home arent u?….she says are u f@#&king crazy. So i said send me a picture that ur home and brandon with you….guess what she refused and said her phone was broken. So i said use ur tablet. But she just ignore it and said” look im a grown ass women, if u cant trust me just end the relationship now, im tired of ur random suspicion. We been together how long, how could u think i would do something like that to u.” she put me on a guilt trip again.
But my gut instinct was too strong to let this go. I stayed quiet and 20 minutes later drove out about an hour out to see her and possibly and hoping i was wrong and grabbed a dozen of roses to apologize….,my heart was pounding as i drove closer and closer to her house…finally i went up to the door and rang her door bell…seconds later her mom answered the door. I asked hey wheres angel…her mom said i havent seen her since i came home early this morning from a overnight shift….so all that she was with her mom earlier was a lie. My heart dropped to the ground. I found out soon after she had been away for a few days with her son. So during those few days she was actually with someone else all awhile keeping just enuff contact with me to let me think she was home during those times.
I left the flowers to her mom and left solemnly….as i drove away i texted her, hey i left your mom a present. At first she thought it was a joke, but then realized i passed thru. I told her how messed up she was. After i had gave her a chance before..and that this it….All she texted me back is…” i appreciate everything u done for me and i will always love you”…..so as hurt as i was, i tried to get closure…and asked her who was it, michael?(its one of her ex)….guess what she wrote back….no his name is not michael…her name is shelby…i stopped entertaining her right there and said this where we stop talking…
Two weeks later. No text . no calls…i dnt know how am i suppose to feel. I did everything a man could for her….as angry as i was at the time, i was still hoping she would try to apologize….but i guess she discarded me. How is it im the one that supposely broke up with her, shes making me feel its the other way around…..thanks for reading my story…..these last two weeks has been hell….but im fighting on.
Any day my divorce should be finalized from a sociopath. We will have been married for over 10 years. I have just found out that he is a sociopath. He told me lies when it was easier for him to tell me the truth. I met him in a 12-step program. He had previously been in prison for a number of years. He was very nice to me and when we first started dating. After dating some, he eventually just moved in and started giving me his paycheck (from out of the blue). That was very odd for me. But I thought that must be how his culture does things. I don’t remember checking out the things he told me about himself. I just took what he told me as the truth. Everyone seemed to like him, including friends and family. Lately, I’ve done some checking on the things he’s said over the years, and come to find out, he lied about things that weren’t even big deals.
Every time we spoke about something or somebody he always turned it around to him. It was always about him. I would point that out to him and he would say that I was basicaly being mean to him. He always had people around him that doted on him. He always had to be the center of attention. He wanted people to think he was special. I use to tell him that humility was very attractive. But I see where that is not an attractive trait to sociopaths.
Approximately 5 years ago, I happened to notice a text on his phone that came from a woman and the message said “I thought I was your wife”. Of course he said he wasn’t having an affair. He was just texting her. Interesting… I did my best to try to let it go and continued on with my marriage.
Since that time, I periodically checked our phone bills for odd phone calls, etc. and happened to come across text messages to and from one number. This is when my husband was in a recovery home in another state. I totaled them up: 300 text messages to and from a woman within 2 weeks. He owned up to cheating for the past 8 years (I believe it’s more like 11 years). Regardless, I filed for divorce. When I did he called me and tried to get back together 3 different times. I never retd the call. I believe these text messages were with the same woman he texted 5 years ago.
Since then, I attempted to come to an agreement with him to end the marriage and settle assets, but he wouldn’t do that. In the end, we came to the same agreement I had attempted a year ago. But I wasted alot of money with my attorney. He’s been bad mouthing me to my friends. Previously, I had someone snooping around my house. I believe he lied to my stepkids. One of them had told someone that she wasn’t mad at me. But I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve just had to do my best at this point to hold my head up high and not gossip about him (I feel that I can talk here because no one knows him) nor bad mouth him.
I have enforced a no contact rule with him with one exception. I occassionally may have to contact him (via text) regarding financial issues. He cannot contact me back in any way shape or form.
I just want to thank you for this website. I am begging to feel free.
I have been involved with an African man from Cameroon for over two years. I met him at work. He pursued me. I avoided him and his calls at all cost in the beginning. February 2012, he had a birthday and we ended up going out. We discussed his family and he assured me that the people at work did not know his business and he was going through a divorce. We dated for about 5 months and things were going okay for us. He was very supportive and encouraging. He helped me with finances and was someone who I could count on and lean on. Later, I find out he is not getting a divorce I told him numerous times that that was his family and give it 100%. If it didn’t work out, at least he gave it his best. We stopped dating for some time, and once again the wife left. He said they were going to file the paperwork to finish off the divorce. I let him come back into my life right after my surgery and found myself being in the middle of a mess after a year. I fell in love with him and then found out I was pregnant. He insisted that I have an abortion and finally I gave in almost dying. We have had many ups and downs and I’ve broke it off numerous times, but kept falling back into his arms. We were happy one day and then he flips out on me the next. He split with the wife and sent the kids to live with his family in Texas. Slowly but surely that supportive man turned into the man I wasn’t good enough for. I was boring, no intellect, too big, crazy, and in need of psychiatric help. I became so depressed at one point; I wanted to take my life. After he returned from taking the kids he continued treating to me like dirt and I just took it. I just prayed that God would help me get away from him. I didn’t know how because I was in love with him, but I knew I had to get out. He told me to get busy because he has lots of things to deal with, and he continued to treat me like dirt. I asked him if it was someone else, and he asked if I had any proof. Then he said he works two jobs and doesn’t have time. He flipped out on me again after I was giving him advice and said I’m trying to control him. He continued to call me insecure about his coworkers at his first job who I had never met. I just lost the 2nd child and he wouldn’t respond when I told him about it. He only responded after I lost it saying sorry for the pain. Farewell. I mailed all of his things to his house including any gifts. He said he questions if the babies were even his, and I was a mistake that hurt his family and his kids. I realize now that all I was to him was a piece of A@@, and it really hurts. In my heart, I know it’s over. Despite everything, I tried to see if we could just end it on a decent note, but he just continued to call me crazy, drama queen, immature,stalker, not worth it etc…I met a woman from Cameroon in my class and she ensured me that everything he told me was a lie. There were no divorce proceedings. Even what he told me about his life in Africa was a lie. I’ve never trusted someone so much and it hurts like hell, but I’m counting my blessings. Now he has moved on with another woman from his IT job and continues to make it as if I am some stalker when all I have been seeking is closure.
Hi sherwanda, welcome to the site 🙂
You might also want to look at narcissistic personality disorder too (for him) to help you with understanding.
You will never get closure from him (I am on my phone so can’t post the link but try search and type why you will never get closure from the sociopath) I hope that this site can offer you some support.
I know this is long, but this is one of the last letters I received from him. He actually made it into a script.
SHERWANDA: Subject:Fwd: , SHERWANDA is always worrying and thinking way to much about the people she cares about. Whatever it is I feel inside makes me feel insecure like there is another 9:46 PM
His Words::(These are your words)
SHERWANDA: Fwd: this was the text that clearly states I could meet u and let me know what works for u. I first said something is nagging at me and I’m not sure what it is.
His Words:: (that is why I am recommending that you seek help a Psychiatrist to figure what is nagging you). 7:57 AM
His words: SHERWANDA, your insecurity triggers your every reaction towards every misunderstanding we have always had. Despite my every effort to bring it to your attention, you have been very defensive and rush to play the victim; just to find out you knew all along that you were insecure but wouldn’t let me help you through it. I told you countless times to just take minute to think and ask yourself basic questions before you rush to conclusion. I love my kids to much to put my life in danger over a piece of ass which you best know how much I have at my disposal. If that was the person I was, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Not for once did I take advantage of your gullible state despite all opportunities I had at my disposal.
SHERWANDA: Lastly, don’t waste ur time on chicks that are around for the moment, go get her. She loves and needs you. Take care love.. SHERWANDA 8:37 PM…
His Words :You are 100% right, I shouldn’t waste my time on chicks that are around for the moment because you are one of them)
SHERWANDA: Later I said, I’ve always felt there was someone else…
His words: (So you NEVER TRUSTED me).
SHERWANDA::Just being honest. I will never come to either of ur jobs. You have my word…
His words:( (you just proposed to meet me at my job). 7:57 AM
His words: Now I am beginning to doubt if the babies were even mine, that is why you can freely give back everything you can reach you hands on. YOU NEVER AND HAVE NEVER LOVED ME. STOP PRETENDING!!! HAVE A GOOD LIFE. DONE… DONE DONE… LOSE MY NUMBER AND EXPECT YOUR PROPERTY IN THE MAIL. EVERYTHING I GAVE YOU WAS WITH LOVE AND NOW YOU WILL SEE HOW IT FEELS TO GET EVERYTHING BACK. YOU SHOULD KNOW THE GOLDEN RULE.YOU ARE THE REASON I HURT MY FAMILY AND MY KIDS. YOU WERE A MISTAKE AND I WILL NEVER TOUCH YOU AGAIN. I MISS MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ALL BECAUSE OF YOU. No amount of explanation is good enough for you to absorb and see things for what is said that what you think it is makes a huge difference. There is no point trying to set straight a record that is already tarnished with false beliefs. Calling yourself names and label then to me is probably going to make you feel better about yourself otherwise you won’t be doing such. Returning the Gifts Sherwanda and other things because you don’t want any reminder of a person but having everything that reminds you of your people who did worst around speaks volume of who I was to you. Giving reasons to doubt your incoherent actions engulfed around your pregnancy didn’t sink in because all you wanted to hear was denial and so anything said to you means denial. Nothing can be done to remedy your manner of thinking because you dwell on the process than the content of the message but yet failed to have a message of your own. Despite the duration and multitude of times I have told you it still doesn’t resonate to you but I will try one last time: the reason I am giving up everything include love (SHERWANDA) is because my kids deserve everything I have to offer even if it means taking my life to give them a day to live happy, I will do so. DON’T COME TO EITHER OF MY JOBS OR CONTACT ME. God bless you and may God see us through this.
Sherwanda: I have never come to either of your jobs without you asking me to meet and have lunch or dinner with you. So what is it you’re talking about? I’ve always told you that we are adults. If you ever want another or wish to go back and work things out, let me know. All I ever asked is that you don’t put me in the middle of any immature mess.
His words: SHERWANDA, it takes a lot to TRUST anyone but I trusted you, just to realize I was sleeping with someone who didn’t trust me; hurts to the core. I am trying not to recognize how big of a fool I have been to freely give in to your seamless sincere looks and forgiving smiles engulfed in worth kindness but yet stubborn ignorant attitudes, I can only wonder what is yet to be unveiled.
SHERWANDA: Don’t tell me not to worry because that’s me, but I will let u be. Take care.
His words:(SHERWANDA just told me it is over).
SHERWANDA: I have a few of ur things. Did u want to meet this morning to get them, or did u want me to mail them? I can meet u at gtech…
His words:(you just proposed to meet me at my job).
SHERWANDA:No fight, arguments. We don’t even need to talk. Let’s just be civil and end this in an amicable fashion.
His words: (Yet you want us to be friends and want us to be civil?).
SHERWANDA: Let me know what works for u. 7:57 AM
His words: I can now clearly understand, you were in this with one leg out, for reasons best to you personally. I haven’t felt this betrayed but it is something I will definitely use as a learning experience rather than a bitter unfruitful irrational ordeal. I don’t regret any moment spent with you; I am humbled and honored to get to know you. I leave with a heavy heart but the love in me will drive me through. I seek not your remorse neither is pathos my model; follow through with your ambitions and learn from each experience. When things work out for you in the future, always remember the people who picked you up when you were down with no hope and gave you reason to be hopeful again; when you do, please say a little prayer and thank God for there are angels aSherwandagst us but we fail to recognize them because we are busy looking for what we already have thinking what we do have is not what we should have. We both aren’t perfect and shouldn’t be because we don’t live in a perfect world but we should strive to attain happiness despite out imperfectness. I can spend all day trying to analyze the logic behind human behavior but the truth is, we all have differences and are unique in our own way. I will be naïve to think you aren’t unique but I am well aware that people behave a certain way for a reason at a given time in a given environment which arguably explains the reason for human functionality. This is the end of the journey for us; with us in mind, God has a better plan.
Ugggh all the flowery language there sherwanda
Sorry for the language. I will remember to edit next time before posting. It’s okay to take it down if it’s too much.
Asking you to say a little prayer and thank God that there are angels oh gosh…. Thank you for sharing!!
I previously had posted a comment but I think I must’ve done something incorrect because it didn’t get posted. Anyway, I was with a sociiopath for a total of 12 years and married for 10 of those. I filed for divorce the beginning of 2013 and I’m currently waiting for the judge to sign the divorce decree. The reason I had filed for divorce is because I had found out for the second time that he was cheating. He actually copped to cheating for the past 8 years but I think it was more like 11 years. He started trying to blame me for his cheating. It was my fault for everything. I didn’t give him enough sex, the sexual abuse I suffered as a child and how it effected me screwed me up. I was basically too damaged for him. He said I didn’t tell him everything when in reality he knew EVERYTHING. I actually took some of that responsibility on whether he knew it or not.
Before I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong. He was telling people, my friends and his things (I didn’t know what exactly). I would see these people once, I’m assuming they would see him and then I’d never hear from them again. Still to this day, I’ve never seen him. He even did that with my stepkids. I couldn’t see my grandkids anymore. One of them said I could but then wouldn’t show up meetings. And one of them (atleast one) knew what was going on at least part of the time.
My ex-husband spent so much time on Facebook talking to his girlfriend(s) that I felt that I was having a relationship with the back of his laptop, all when we were married. But I dealt with it because I wanted my marriage to work.
I still felt like he was my best friend. I could tell him ANYTHING. He wouldn’t judge me. Man, was I mistaken. In the end, I kicked him out because I caught him cheating for the 2nd time in the marriage. I found him texting another woman (who obviously doesn’t respect herself because she’s cheating with a married man) over 300 times in 2 weeks. I realize this woman is either another sociopath or another victim. I feel sorry for her because odds are she’s going to get what I got.
Anyway, I tried to settle the asset / debt portion of the divorce with him outside of the courtroom but he said he agreed to the terms but refused to go farther. In the end we each ended up with the same terms as we had agreed to back them. Hope that makes sense.
At this point, I am waiting for the judge to sign the papers then I’m totally free. I have cut off all contact even though I think he’s done with me anyways. Like I said he’s found a new victim. He doesn’t know where I live, I’ve blocked his calls, his e-mail address, etc. My life is much more calm than he has been in years. Thank goodness…..
Hi June, thank you for sharing your story, and welcome to the site. I hope that you receive good support here 🙂
You are right. This other woman is just like him or another victim. I was a victim to a married man who was suppose to be divorced. I found out he was married with three kids and the wife was a slave from Cameroon in Africa. I looked her up online and felt so horrible about the whole ordeal. I carried two of his children only to find out he has yet another child outside his marriage. The wife took the three kids and moved to Texas, but she is taking him back. At least you got out dear. I know the pain hurts because I only spent two years and I still haven’t stopped crying after almost a year. I blamed myself too. It’s not you June, it’s him. If someone really loves you, they will respect you and see you through your pain. I wish yo all the best.
Thank You, Sherwanda!
I’ve done one substantial error over the past 3 years with my SP. I’ve given him the benefit of doubt, I’ve turned a blind eye on his deliberate cheating and lying, I’ve forgiven his flaws (never forgotten though), I’ve wondered if it was really wrong or if I was too strict, if I had any responsibility on his misdeeds. I’ve let him convince me that it was all in my mind….that I saw what I wanted to see. Just because I wanted our love to work, as many of you. I’ve given him all myself and he flushed it down the drain.
Over the past years I have written a lot (letters to him, diary, etc) and now that I read my own words, I struggle believing that I endured it so long. Was I hypnotized? Was I infatuated? Never getting an explanation from him, never a “sorry”, never a long term plan; just false promises and backstabbing. And yet, every time I accorded him another chance.
Reading my words helps me understanding how unhappy I’ve been, feeling nullified, ignored, betrayed. Destroyed by suspicion, never reassured by him and yet blamed of my obsessions.
Note to self: don`t wonder if his actions are really wrong, why did he do it, or if he’ll do it again.
Just ask yourself if YOU would ever do something like that to anyone?
The answer is NO. Because you are a decent person and you respect who you love.
You don`t need the “benefit of doubt”, you are an open book.
You deserve to be treated as an equal.
If he’s not doing that, don`t ask yourself any more questions and walk away!
My most recent discard has been aweful .. They usually are .. But I’m in more of a funk than usual – he sets up elaborate situations where I find out about his indicretions – one time he coaxed me to a restaurant where he proudly announced he was fu$!cking the waitress who was serving us this time he asked me to log into his emails where there was a whole communication with a girl who has been staying in expensive hotels with and they have plans to stay in a 5 star hotel and have dinner at a top restaurant for Valentine’s Day .. She clearly thinks he’s wonderful and generous and extravagant .. I’m gutted and now everytime I see anything about v day in the shops my stomach sinks and I have this pit of anxiety / jealously heart ache I can’t sleep and I can’t function – what about the plans he had with me on Valentine’s day ? Was he just going to ditch me at the last minute ? everyone keeps telling me all the right things – you can do better u deserve someone to love you ect ect all I can think is she’s on my date with some one I’m suppose to be with he is suppose to love me ? Afterall he’s spent the last 3 months trying to convince me of this after the waitress episode .. No contact doesn’t even apply because when he throws me out he really closes the door no talking it’s like he hates me .. Also THANKYOU for this site it’s the only thing I can focus on I read and re read different posts at different stages
Hi I am so sorry that you are hurting. I am sorry for the pain that he has brought to your life. He is selfish. Absolutely selfish. You know what? He gets off on those games that he plays with you. He sounds very narcissistic. Sociopaths don’t bother with that much energy, unless they can get something from you. It is a sick game that they play. All of the time, it is a game. I know that it hurts. But you are letting go of a liar, a cheat, an abuser. He isn’t this mythical figure that he told you that he was. This isn’t true. When you see the truth and the reality of who he is, and not the fairy tale that he sold you, you will start to seperate yourself. Of course, he will still sell you back the fairy tale if you are willing to listen. People like this are psychologically damaged. They don’t have the capability to love. As they don’t have this capability, equally they also don’t understand the pain that it causes you. They can’t comprehend it. In their head, they are stuck in the mindset of a child. Constantly playing stupid games to make themselves feel better. No matter what the cost is to anyone else. Yes its selfish, yes he is an asshole, yes your friends are right you deserve better. BUT – this doesn’t take away your pain.
You invested yourself into him. If she goes on a date with him, oh she is going on a date with a ghost who is empty inside he is nothing, nothing but hot air and whatever lies he wants to tell.
You could….. fix you and get a REAL MAN who ISNT full of hot air and won’t hurt you.
You do deserve better…. it does get better I promise. The first step is letting go…… and yes it is hard to let go of someone you love. Sometimes you have to realise that they will never love you the way that you are capable of loving them.
Thank you positivagirl – it’s exactly what I needed to hear! You have helped me more than you will ever imagine! It’s hell when you feel you are trapped in this crazy rinse cycle and no one understands (I have contemplated ending things, as horrible as that is to admit) before I found this site. Your right he cant give me what I need – and I can’t give him what he needs .. I have this overwhelming need to beat him to his game before he can rip the rug out from underneath me I feel like I’m constantly playing detective (so exhausting) and it frustrates him! he tells me that’s the reason he cheats because I am crazy paranoid pyscho
I find some Pearce in knowing that he will be like this with the new women in his life too and it’s not just me
Dear Positivagirl…The hurt right now has led me to your site…the articles you’ve written really connect to me…
I was in a relationshit with a Narcissist ( Im not sure If he’s a sociopath) for about 2.5 years…He discarded me first by telling me that his family is pressuring him to get married and to take over the family business…he said he thought they were right…I let him go peacefully, he wanted to be friends…I refused and initiated NC
After 6 months he was wanting to get back in my life, by this time I’d made plans to leave the country for my further education…we stayed till i left and almost for my first semester…I came back for holidays he wanted to sleep with me an discard me again at the same time…When I left again, he agreed to get engaged to a family friend’s daughter a month later…I shouted at him and immediately initiated NC again…no matter how much he tried to stay in touch I ignored him…9 months later he messaged to tell me his engagement ended…stupidly I answered to tell him I dont want to hear it and we should not talk…he hounded me for months until I gave in…
I still felt Im not doing the right thing and initiated NC again…he hounded me by trying to manipulate me sexually….I refused…after a month of silence, he especially got in touch with me to tell me he’s getting back with his ex-fiancee (after 10 months of being apart)
2 months later they were engaged again and next month he’s getting married and that the first time hs engagement had ended I was a major reason for it..they’ve been together now for about 3.5 months…Today Im really feeling down as I happened to see his bachelor party pictures…
My questions are…1) is he a sociopath?
2) Was he trying to make me pay by deciding to get married to her and by telling me especially that he’s going back to her??
3) This time he hasnt hoovered once…seems pretty attentive to her right now…even though they’re in different countries and
lastly…can I now safely assume I wont be hearing from him now??
My ex girlfriends is a sociopath. Dad dropped her off when she was a little girl, would lie to her and tell her he was going to pick her up and they were going to spend some time together then never show up. Sad but man oh man did I pay the price for her deadbeat dad. I just thought she was insecure and I was willing to do whatever it took to get through tough times in our relationship. It took me 5 years to realize I was getting played like a freaking piano. Also some regular gas lighting and eventually graduated to getting beat up. She would lie about everything, yet claim honesty was of utmost importance. She gas lit me one day, asking me how many times I had seen Breaking Bad. I said twice then thought about it then changed my answer to three, she interrogated me a little bit then eventually had a meltdown over the subject and screamed, “I wish you would stop f’ing lying to me!” Lots and lots of gas lighting example, would rewrite history and tell me that I admitted to cheating on her. She would bring this up several times and try to convince me that I admitted it. She would go as far as to paint a picture of the time and place as if she remembered like it was yesterday even though it never happened. Sociopaths are never tongue tied when they are lying, many can pass a lie detector test. She was either over the top happy or ready to kill, nothing in between. She lied and lied and lied all the time, always played the victim, she always claimed to be the victim of a vicious attack, practically daily. She had unstable relationships with her stepdad, mom, brother and two sisters. If anyone ever slighted her or disrespected her the slightest bit she would speak of revenge. She’s a pilot and she’s responsible for an FAA check airmen losing his job because she made sexual harassment allegations. She either loves or hates the people in her life and nothing in between. She’s a mother of three kids, she will scold them into tears for “disrespecting her.” In one case it was because her daughter said “mom, I want to do something fun but you’re working all the time.” (9years old) Mommy dearest the narcissist flipped her sh*t and scolded her daughter to tears. The woman openly talks about how pretty she is. When she has a problem with someone, she plays the victim, seeks her team of enablers and does everything she can to trash the persons reputation with exaggerations and lies. She’s a very convincing liar, sociopaths are very good at what they do, their lies are totally justified and what they are doing is totally ok. My ex would start fights with me weekly falsely accusing me of cheating on her, making up stories. She once accused me of cheating on her after arriving home from work at 5pm, she said “where were you!?!?!” After a nice long gas lighting session she finally accused me of having drinks with a girl. Made no sense, I was at work, 5pm and my breath didn’t even smell of alcohol. I just came right home. I was fed up, I said “listen, this kind of stuff can’t happen anymore, accusing me of fooling around? It’s 5pm on a work day, are you nuts?” Her face just glazed over, no thought running through their mind. Sociopaths are not interested in ever making things better or solving a problem, it is ALL about manipulation and f’ing with your head. I’m glad it’s over, do yourselves a favor, if you are dating a sociopath, look up “gas lighting” do some research and learn how to shut it down. I totally fell in the trap and man does it suck. It’s a very destructive tool sociopaths use to destroy you nice and slow. Haha, nice try nutcase! I’m a free man, you’re not in control and I’m gonna find a nice woman who appreciates what I have to offer. See ya!
This sound all to familiar, I been through the same thing. I am finally getting things back in order, he is so crazy. Tryna make me jeolous but I already know he is a sociopath. So it don’t hurt, it’s been a year. He still bother me, because we own a house. But am letting that go that how tired I sm, he is a sick man. He is a pedophile. I feel sorry for the next women that he throwing in my face. He 65 and say he about to have a baby and get married we still matried he a big joke. Once you found there true sickness nothing will hurt you again cause you know there sick, mine sick and illiterate what a combo, I feel free. But I no it’d not over. He blame me fir everything, known that I am educates about socioaths. I feel much better. Been with him for 26 years. All the gas lighting. Trangulate on make since known , I would not have got educates of he didn’t leave, 36 year of he’ll but I am strong as can be. WI’ll he ever leave mE alone???