It had never occurred to me, to pay attention and to focus on me, and myself. I had naturally assumed that when in a relationship, that I would look after the other persons needs, and they would naturally take care of mine.
This was an assumption that would prove to be one of my biggest weaknesses. The sociopath thrives on the fact that people think this way. They know that most people are too trusting and that trust is often given to people that they do not know. They would have initially tested you at assessment stage, to see how trusting and trustworthy you are. They do this by asking a series of questions, this appears at first to be genuine interest in you. It is nothing more than assessing you, to find out if you are offering what they want/need and how easy that would be to obtain.
Most people are polite
As we are raised as children to be polite, we naturally assume that other people were raised this way too. We don’t as people like to take advantage of others. When the sociopath tells you the tale that they are temporarily down on their luck, it doesn’t occur to you to question this. After all, why would this person lie? The sociopath will manipulate your politeness, and your good manners will later be exploited. You feel bad, when you are rude to someone, when you have to say no to someone. You believe that part of loving, is giving.
You assume that this person is not lying to you, as for the first time, you have met someone who compliments all of your negativity. You know that you are not perfect and unless you are a narcissist you know your weaknesses. The sociopath hones in on those weaknesses and compliments and flatters them.
This gives a false illusion and a sense of trust, that the sociopath likes you for who you really are. As we are fed stories from childhood about meeting ‘the one’, illusions fed through films watched and fairy tales read as children, where the princess meets her prince, and lives happily ever after. We are all looking for that sense of perfection. The sociopath is more than happy to fulfill the illusion that is in your head. They will quite happily become ‘THE ONE’. The person that you have spent all of your life searching for.
The sociopath embodies perfection, more than anyone else that you have met in your life. You might have nagging doubts, but you shake them off. The sociopath observes and notices everything. They pay attention to:
- Body language
- Eye contact
- Words that are said
- How others interact with you
- Reading and selling back to you, the fine line between who you Say you are and who they Know that you are (the sociopath misses NOTHING)
We all like the ‘feel good’ factor. When somebody praises our insecurities, it makes us feel whole as people. It makes us feel good. This ‘feel good factor’ is the product that the sociopath sells to you. Often, this is ALL that they have to sell, but they will package it as a very enticing product.
In the beginning you feel the strong one
By ‘bigging you up‘ focusing on your insecurities and your weaknesses and flattering them, you feel stronger. The sociopath cleverly combines with this with certain victim mentality. You are therefore under the false illusion that you are the strong one, and the sociopath is the weak one. You will not realise that this is all part of the master plan, to use and deceive you, to get from you whatever it is that they want. You think that you are helping, because of your own free will, but it is not like this…. and pretty soon you will start to feel drained…
Sociopaths demand a lot of attention. It can get quite tiring to be around them for a long period of time. They
- Talk fast sometimes seemingly at 100 miles an hour (this doesn’t give you time to think or process what it is that they are saying)
- Constantly appear to be focused on you and your needs
- Invade your space
- What appears to be interest at first, later becomes intrusive
You start to feel drained, who is the person to help you? Why the sociopath of course. Being your perfect person they will help you. Again the focus is on the sociopath and you are grateful to them for their ‘help’.
All of the above is grooming, it is grooming and manipulating you. You are by now not in charge of your own emotions, although you are led to believe that you are. You struggle to understand why so many things are going wrong.
The sociopath takes a lot of attention. You give back the attention to the sociopath. You think that their hardships are just temporary so give of your time and energy. Giving this time and energy takes the focus and attention away from your own life.
You start to neglect yourself, your own life, your own dreams and ambitions, perhaps family and friends, your own financial commitments. You do this, because you are led to believe that you are helping the sociopath temporarily. This is not because you are stupid, the sociopath deliberately says words to manipulate and control you. If you object, you will be told that you are selfish.
You are therefore under the illusion, because you are polite, that it is wrong for you to take care of your own needs. This is deliberate sociopath manipulation and control. You falsely assume that the sociopath will be there help you sort out your life, and that they will take responsibility for you, just like you have taken responsibility for them.
Dealing with the carnage
As things become worse for you, perhaps you are running out of money, or you are becoming isolated, maybe your job is on the line, you are about to lose your home, or your car? Anything really.
When you are let down again and again, you start to see the truth. It is only when the sociopath is gone, that you have the energy to be able to focus on YOU and YOUR LIFE.
What is left of your life
You now see what could be your life in ruins. Even if it is not this drastic, you can see serious damage that has been done to you and your life. You are now left to pick up the pieces, to rebuild and to start again.
If someone has taken your attention…. and ruined your life, rebuild anyway. Meeting a sociopath should teach you some of the most important lessons of your life.
- Trust yourself
- Take care of you
- Listen to your intuition
- Pay attention
- Learn when to say NO and be OK about this
- Do not expect someone else to solve your problems
- You don’t need someone else to value you, you are already valuable
- If you have weaknesses, then learn how to turn those weaknesses into strengths
You are going to be SO proud of you.... and how far you have come when you have overcome all of the problems in your life, created by someone else. You really can do it. Don’t be afraid you can do this. Yes, this experience will change you, but it will change you for the better, and will give you strength that you never knew you had. The lesson is to trust yourself, and to find your own inner beauty. You never needed someone else to reflect this back to you – it was there all the time. Within you.
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2014
29 thoughts on “When you focus on the sociopath…. you stop focusing on YOU!”
two interactions this week highlight that I have not quite “divorced” myself from the patterns: 1) on a telephone conversation with an attorney I asked him a question. He snapped at me “well if you are questioning my ability to do the job, you can get someone else.” Startled, I meekly retreated and said, “oh, no …..(stammer) I just am asking a question.” He successfully put ME on the defensive.
2) my divorce with my path is finally done. He’s off the title of my property. the court awarded me all of his belongings he left on the premises (a concession to me because he stole so much money) Before selling and getting rid of the stuff that I’ve been storing for 3 yrs., I have a mutual friend call my ex to give him the offer and conditions i which he can get his stuff. He tells the friend he wants to talk to me directly. Not happening, I tell the friend to tell him that I still have a restraining order against him and I never want to speak to him again. Then this idiot, in typical path fashion dictates to ME his conditions for me to give him his stuff: give him 1/2 of the property and tell the “truth” (ie deny that he molested my daughter. What a twisted nut! What a chutzpah!
So pleased that your divorce is over, and that you have seen some justice in court. This is good news.
Good for you for standing your ground and maintaining boundaries. That must have been a very difficult fight.
I agree with you PG.
after a sociopathic relationship we really do need to love our self and trust our self. trust our inner voice, our intuitions, our instincts…
put yourself first. respect yourself, respect what your inner voice tells you about the other person and don’t just listen to it, ACT on it too, to save yourself from future abuse.
also begin to build healthy boundaries. learn to say NO. when we build healthy boundaries and let people know what is acceptable and unacceptable, our self esteem automatically gets a boost.
the other person will put a guilt trip on you when you put boundaries, but please do not fall for it and trust in yourself. its for your own good. we don’t need these stupid games in our life anymore do we?!
So true Angela, I know that all of my life, I struggled with this. I thought it was the right thing to do to give 100% and I neglected my own needs. I used to think that it was selfish to do this. I now realise that isn’t true. That if I take care of me, I am in a better way to take care of others. I think that sociopaths can bank on this, and before you know it…. your own life is destroyed. Its so clever what they do, and how they do it, life can start going very very wrong before you realise and then it is too late, and you are the one picking up the pieces.
A lot of pieces
even sociopaths have strong boundaries! they would never compromise their boundaries for you .
yes they have very strong boundaries for themselves!! 🙂 double standards too.
More like double bloody quadruple standards turned upside down , inside out & then back to front for a laugh
Just a comment of something I just saw in the news…….Charlie Sheen is getting married again……..His fiance said, “we are best friends and he is my soulmate”. Anyone want to bet that his other wives were also his best friend and soul mates……at the time? I was told by my ex soc that I was his best friend and soul mate less than a month after we started dating. “best friend” and “soulmate” are classic lines by soc’s. It is my opinion that she is repeating what she has been told by him, she thinks he has never felt this way before………and she believes every word he says.
He probably told her that she had never felt this way before!! 🙂
Yes. That is a classic…or ” No one will ever love you like I do.”
Right, no kidding Sherlock, I sure Hope no one ever “loves” me like that again.
He didn’t take that very well, needless to say…
I like these emoticons , my daughter showed me how to switch them on !
Yes, I expect she thinks she is ‘special’ and has a ‘prize’ that nobody else has had. That he is giving her, something that he has never given to someone else.
My ex loved Charlie Sheen. He thought he was funny and cool ?!?! Red flag right there.
Yes yes yes , great post again !
I remember all of what you are describing .
All we did was sit on the couch and me tending to all of his needs and wants while neglecting myself , my animals , my household and my financial stuff .
I actually thought I hit the jack-pot ; wow , what a catch , so I thought .
It amazes me how their plans are so well thought through and executed .
But there was always SOMETHING
that didn’t feel quite right and I could not put my finger on IT .
My intuition or inner voice was working overtime to protect me but I choose to ignore it . What a mistake !!!!
God I wish I could start over and listen to the ONLY voice , that is out to protect ONLY ME !
What a heart wrenching lesson it was and still is , but I got it now !
Peace&Love always !
Hey ladybug I was thinking of you today when I was writing this and how you said you missed my posts in your mail. So maybe I wrote this for you? !! (this is true) you were in my thoughts this morning 🙂 How are you doing?
I’m all right , thank’s for asking .
Trying to work my way through the rebble of my life . God days – bad days with the bad days becoming fewer . But moving forwards – don’t look back to much . The ghost’s of the past need to be banished .
I’m working on that .
Love&Peace , and thank you !
I second the motion !
Arendt you one of the lady’s that was married for 27 ( looooooong) years ?
My hat goes off to you , just how did you do it ? You and all the other lady’s who stayed so long deserve the Nobel Price of some kind !
Here is to greatness and perseverance to all of you ! You are truly fantabulous !
Love &Peace always !
Thank you Ladybug, this is the other bewildere who stayed for 25 yrs, hey its funny we both picked the name bewiildeted, wow. Love and peace… 😃💖
Also, when you stop focusing on them it lets the NS know you really don’t care about them anymore, and HA! Doesn’t that just PISS the NS off!! 😎!
K, so this isn’t really about my ex S (whom I have been NC with for the past…7 months! Woo hoo!) but more or less just the after math.
I am still reeling a little bit and dealing with some trust issues and jealousy. I have been in a new relationship for the past 4 months and the other night, while my new bf was scrolling through his phone, I saw a scandalous picture of his ex girlfriend. Granted, it was before we were dating and he claims that it was nothing.
Based on my gut feeling, which is most often right, I believe him. There is a whole back story as to why it was there, etc. even though he had no duty to me during the time the picture was taken. I just wish he would have deleted it.
But my mind can’t let it go. Even though we discussed it, I chose to forgive him etc. i am finding myself extremely angry. Like, what else is there? I haven’t gone through his things or had any bad experiences at all prior to this. He has been a very stand up guy, respectable, and I have never questioned him.
Something else to note. We have spent plenty of time together where his phone is sitting around and he never flinches if i have grabbed it to change a song or something small. I have never breached his privacy and looked through pictures or texts, but the point is, he has never reacted poorly when i have looked at or grabbed his phone. He even went out of his way to tell me the password to his phone last week.
So, none of that is consistent with someone who continuously has something to hide. But, I had such a terrible, terrible experience with my ex S that I am literally just seething.
I know i said I forgave him (my current boyfriend) but I am finding my mind go back to all the bullshit with my ex S and it is getting really hard to look past. And, it is seemingly a minor thing. I feel bad for crucifying him for this one thing, an not being able to let it go…But at the same time, I honestly have nothing left in me as far as people pulling shady things behind my back.
Advice on how to get past this one?
I think you got involved to soon after the Socio and you should put the breaks on .
This would have pissed me off as well plus the fact that it was still there !
Did he delete the photo then?
The fact that you can’t let go of it should give you the answer !
Trust your instinct ! Pleeease !!!!!!!
This feeling isn’t going th go away , it will get stronger as time marches on .
The seed is planted . Please be careful !!
I let my sociopath back into my life.
I had been doing so well for months, only contacting when I had to and even seeing someone new. However I had a family tragedy and turned back to her.
We were going to work things out and start fresh. She of course wanted me to end things with my current and I did.
Now I’ve discovered she’s involved with two new people and leading me along again.
Once again I’m broken
nice smileys @NICK! (boys will be boys) *eye roll*
@ Gaslighted, I agree with ladybug to an extent. 10 years before I met the ex soc, I broke up with what I now believe was a narcissist. I had massive trust issues because of this. When I was with the ex soc, I kept blaming my red flags on my trust issues caused by the ex narc. I was wrong. The red flags were from the ex soc.
I’m not saying dump him. I am saying you have a right to be hyper vigilant now. A bit dumb of him to keep risky photos of his ex on his phone. It could be something more sinister or it may be just be a male ego thing to keep them. Three strikes and he is out rule?
Trust ur gut. But this requires you being absolutely honest with yourself. It is very easy to blame the ex soc and your trust issues rather than accepting the truth.
Also, it doesn’t mean he is a soc. he could just be a regular scum bag. If he is (and this incident alone doesn’t make him one) then it’s still to the curb with him.
Hi all, I don’t know if this is of any help to anyone but here goes…
I have been reading and vaguely saying things here for months.
I left me ex socio 5 months ago and it has been hard but ok, as in I have 5 kids to distract me and am quite good at writing things down rather than externalising them.I am lucky, I have a lot of friends but am now realising that they have been alienated. He was very charming.
I literally just took him off Skype. He tried to add me again in the time it took me to go to the loo ha ha.
Yet he has ignored me for over a week because I have asked him to take his furniture out of a house he rented from my mother (oh yes, that was a good one) and now I will ebay it for the rent he owes her – am I being mean?
I have just got to the point where I can’t be bothered with it all – I have my kids to think about and really don’t have the energy, although I am getting it back for them, Day by day, slowly but surely. It’s like climbing a mountain in flip flops ha ha .
I am unsure where you are. I am in the UK, so only know of housing law in the UK. I will advise as if you were in the UK, and that is to go careful, and check what the law is in your area. If you are in the UK you cant sell his belongings to pay for rent as those are his belongings (unless he has given you permission to do so) and this would need to be in writing.
Its really good that you are getting your life back together. I really understand that ‘feeling sick and tired of it’ and the constant drama that they create.
But please do go careful, check what the housing law is in the area that you live. As you could find that he takes action against you for theft of his belongings. They would be the first to steal without conscience, but also the first to call the police on you, if you took their things (this was my repeated experience).
As for him ignoring you for over a week…. this is about control, because he can. Its about the only control that he has over you. He might also know that if you sell his belongings and that is illegal he could take action against you (that is if he could afford to do so).
I would write him a formal letter. Date it, and time frame it, for when he needs to collect his belongings. Inform that you are unable to store his belongings and they will be kept for a period of (say 7 days) after this time, if he hasn’t collected then you will assume that he doesn’t want them – and they will be disposed of. This would cover you just in case.
Re blogging – perfect depiction!
I’m 9 months out from seeing my ex in person, but only since August has it been full NC. After I ended things for good in March 2014, (after 4 years off and on) ex Soc contacted me by phone several times, in May, June and August. I fully believe he was already securing new female victims whilst trying to recycle me and find out what I was doing and with whom. I just kept returning to NC every time he turned up on the phone.
It has been even tougher to get over him because where I work there are links to him, (not only from his frequent shows and public humiliations there). His Sister In-law also shops at my work, (a Shopping Centre), and liked to fill me in on what he was doing after our separation. Just before Xmas she showed up and said there was good news, before I could get the chance to say I was happy for him but didn’t want to know, she launched into his great news.
Am totally certain he wanted her to tell me, just to dig the knife in once again. This time the news was that he finally has a job, (after 7 years unemployed and 4 of those with me!!). So he is doing great, on a Farm-stay 2 hours South of my city, with his new girlfriend, a Psychiatrist who ‘keeps him in line and he has met his match finally’. He apparently just wanted to get away from ‘everyone and everything’.
Yea, I heard that every day the whole time I was with him, and his ever present Geographical escapes backwards and forwards.
Poor me, violins etc.
I really haven’t been doing well the whole time I have been away from him, since there have been so many triggers that take me right back in my healing process.
Still heartbroken and in my comfort zone, but have been getting out with family and friends more lately, and trying to improve things.
I know that his new life won’t likely last, and he could try contacting me again, but I hope that if that happens, I can hang up immediately I hear his voice, before he draws me in again to his nasty little web.
As I never want to go back to the abusive cycle he had me locked into, (whole range of abuse, along with attempts on my life, and severe sleep deprivations to boot).
What I feel sad about is pining for that affection, romance, and sharing my life with a man. It hurts to know it was all fake, and part of me wants to believe it was real when it felt real, but that only makes it hurt that much more.
At the age of 46, I am gun shy about being involved romantically with any men, and reject any that try pretty quickly. Not sure I even want to date, although the offers have always been there.
At this point, I don’t really care either. There are family in my life, and friends, and of course my Business to tend to, as well as home and pets.
The biggest challenge for me right now, is to gain back that huge motivation I once had before I met him and stacked on weight from being exhausted constantly, (making the wrong food choices to have the energy to stay awake and go to work).
My other responsibilities/hobbies/interests took a nose dive whilst involved with the Sociopath, and I am slowly trying to complete everything. Some days it is so overwhelming I don’t know where to start, and just sit on the net ruminating too much.
Sorry this has been such a long post. I do hope someone can relate to what I am saying and know that they are also not alone out there.