Tag Archives: rebuilding

When you focus on the sociopath…. you stop focusing on YOU!

It had never occurred to me, to pay attention and to focus on me, and myself. I had naturally assumed that when in a relationship, that I would look after the other persons needs, and they would naturally take care of mine.

This was an assumption that would prove to be one of my biggest weaknesses. The sociopath thrives on the fact that people think this way. They know that most people are too trusting and that trust is often given to people that they do not know. They would have initially tested you at assessment stage, to see how trusting  and trustworthy you are. They do this by asking a series of questions, this appears at first to be genuine interest in you. It is nothing more than assessing you, to find out if you are offering what they want/need and how easy that would be to obtain.

Most people are polite


As we are raised as children to be polite, we naturally assume that other people were raised this way too. We don’t as people like to take advantage of others. When the sociopath tells you the tale that they are temporarily down on their luck, it doesn’t occur to you to question this. After all, why would this person lie? The sociopath will manipulate your politeness, and your good manners will later be exploited. You feel bad, when you are rude to someone, when you have to say no to someone. You believe that part of loving, is giving.

You assume that this person is not lying to you, as for the first time, you have met someone who compliments all of your negativity. You know that you are not perfect and unless you are a narcissist you know your weaknesses.  The sociopath hones in on those weaknesses and compliments and flatters them.

This gives a false illusion and a sense of trust, that the sociopath likes you for who you really are. As we are fed stories from childhood about meeting ‘the one’, illusions fed through films watched and fairy tales read as children, where the princess meets her prince, and lives happily ever after. We are all looking for that sense of perfection. The sociopath is more than happy to fulfill the illusion that is in your head. They will quite happily become ‘THE ONE’. The person that you have spent all of your life searching for.

The sociopath embodies perfection, more than anyone else that you have met in your life. You might have nagging doubts, but you shake them off. The sociopath observes and notices everything. They pay attention to:

  • Body language
  • Eye contact
  • Words that are said
  • How others interact with you
  • Reading and selling back to you, the fine line between who you Say you are and who they Know that you are (the sociopath misses NOTHING)

We all like the ‘feel good’ factor. When somebody praises our insecurities, it makes us feel whole as people. It makes us feel good. This ‘feel good factor’ is the product that the sociopath sells to  you. Often, this is ALL that they have to sell, but they will package it as a very enticing product.

In the beginning you feel the strong one

By ‘bigging you up‘ focusing on your insecurities and your weaknesses and flattering them, you feel stronger. The sociopath cleverly combines with this with certain victim mentality. You are therefore under the false illusion that you are the strong one, and the sociopath is the weak one. You will not realise that this is all part of the master plan, to use and deceive you, to get from you whatever it is that they want. You think that you are helping, because of your own free will, but it is not like this…. and pretty soon you will start to feel drained…



Sociopaths demand a lot of attention. It can get quite tiring to be around them for a long period of time. They

  • Talk fast sometimes seemingly at 100 miles an hour (this doesn’t give you time to think or process what it is that they are saying)
  • Constantly appear to be focused on you and your needs
  • Invade your space
  • What appears to be interest  at first, later becomes intrusive

You start to feel drained, who is the person to help you? Why the sociopath of course. Being your perfect person they will help you. Again the focus is on the sociopath and you are grateful to them for their ‘help’.


All of the above is grooming, it is grooming and manipulating you. You are by now not in charge of your own emotions, although you are led to believe that you are. You struggle to understand why so many things are going wrong.

The sociopath takes a lot of attention. You give back the attention to the sociopath. You think that their hardships are just temporary so give of your time and energy. Giving this time and energy takes the focus and attention away from your own life.

Personal Neglect

You start to neglect yourself, your own life, your own dreams and ambitions, perhaps family and friends, your own financial commitments. You do this, because you are led to believe that you are helping the sociopath temporarily. This is not because you are stupid, the sociopath deliberately says words to manipulate and control you. If you object, you will be told that you are selfish.

You are therefore under the illusion, because you are polite, that it is wrong for you to take care of your own needs. This is deliberate sociopath manipulation and control. You falsely assume that the sociopath will be there help you sort out your life, and that they will take responsibility for you, just like you have taken responsibility for them.

Dealing with the carnage

As things become worse for you, perhaps you are running out of money, or you are becoming isolated, maybe your job is on the line, you are about to lose your home, or your car? Anything really.

When you are let down again and again, you start to see the truth. It is only when the sociopath is gone, that you have the energy to be able to focus on YOU and YOUR LIFE.

What is left of your life

You now see what could be your life in ruins. Even if it is not this drastic, you can see serious damage that has been done to you and your life. You are now left to pick up the pieces, to rebuild and to start again.

If someone has taken your attention…. and ruined your life, rebuild anyway. Meeting a sociopath should teach you some of the most important lessons of your life.

  • Trust yourself
  • Take care of you
  • Listen to your intuition
  • Pay attention
  • Learn when to say NO and be OK about this
  • Do not expect someone else to solve your problems
  • You don’t need someone else to value you, you are already valuable
  • If you have weaknesses, then learn how to turn those weaknesses into strengths

You are going to be SO proud of you.... and how far you have come when you have overcome all of the problems in your life, created by someone else. You really can do it. Don’t be afraid you can do this. Yes, this experience will change you, but it will change you for the better, and will give you strength that you never knew you had. The lesson is to trust yourself, and to find your own inner beauty. You never needed someone else to reflect this back to you – it was there all the time. Within you. 

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