Confusion of Kindness


One thing that can confuse victims of sociopaths is their ability to ‘be kind’. Just as you have decided that you have had enough, that you want to leave, and to get out of this abusive, controlling relationship, the sociopath switches, and becomes ‘Mr kind’ ‘Mr caring’ and ‘Mr compassionate’ . This is often much to the annoyance of those who have been supporting you to leave. As now, you are at risk of being lured back in by the sociopath.

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Any ordinary person, even an abused one, will get to the point where they have to leave for the sake of their own sanity. Nobody can endure being hurt over and over.

A sociopath will sense when he is losing control. He will sense when he is about to lose you, and therefore lose his source of supply. You are hurt, damaged, and you desperately want your inner hurt and pain to go away. But you stand firm, you try to retain No Contact, you try to be kind to yourself.

The sociopath will realise that berating you, is getting nowhere and that he is losing his grip of control over you. Perhaps you have decided to have nothing to do with him, that you are establishing no contact and bringing others into your life for support.

A sociopath is always able to read you, to assess you, to analyse you. And when he feels that he is losing grip of his latest victim, he can then be unbelievably kind. You will start to question your own judgement. You read the DSM list of criteria for sociopaths. Kindness is not listed, so you reason, perhaps you are wrong? Maybe he isn’t a sociopath after all?

What the sociopath is doing is returning back to stage two – Seducing/Gaming. If you recall I wrote earlier how there are three stages with a sociopath. And he can revert back to earlier stages, if he hasn’t yet finished with you, and you still have further use to him. The three stages are:

  • Assessment
  • Gaming/seducing
  • Ruining

It is important to stick with what you feel. To write down what is happening to you. Listen to your inner self, and your gut feeling. You might feel that because the sociopath is being kind and that perhaps you have it wrong? That he isn’t a sociopath after all?

You are being lured back into the fairy tale of who you want him to be, that person who in your mind, you fell in love with, but who didn’t exist. He is now about to sell you the fairy tale for the second time.

So far, I have discussed how you are feeling, and how this makes you feel, and how this confuses you.

What you feel, is maybe he does love me? He seems to care about my welfare, and how I am feeling? Maybe your assessment of him is wrong, and he isn’t actually a sociopath? You start to breathe a sigh of relief. Now you can return to the illusion you had before. He is actually a normal person, not a sociopath.

For the sociopath, it is not about how you are feeling. He is not thinking about your needs, or your welfare, neither does he care how much you are hurting (although it might seem that way).  To return to the motive for the sociopath (remember that the sociopath ALWAYS has a motive), what he is thinking is either:

  • He is losing a source of supply he does not want to lose
  • Or you have ended things on your terms, he does not like this loss of control, and wants to end things on his terms

If you were to return to the sociopath when he is being kind, if you were to listen to the sociopath and his glib, false empty promises, things will shortly return to the way that they were before.

Whilst his kindness might give you a temporary relief of pain and hurt that you are feeling. It will, once you are trusting him again, and allowing him control over you and your life, return to the abusive relationship that you were in before.

Nothing will ever change. The sociopath cannot change. His brain is wired differently. He cannot help but manipulate and deceive. Trust your judgement, and do not be temporarily blinded to acts of kindness, it is tempting to do so, as we do not want  to realise that the person we were involved with was a different person to who we thought. We want our judgment about him to be wrong. We want it not to be true, but it is true. The sooner that you come to terms with this, the quicker you can heal.

Unfortunately, with a sociopath, it is the way that he is. Whilst things might be ok for a while, service would soon resume as normal. His need for control is overwhelming, acting kind, is manipulating you, and just another way for you to be controlled.

Remember that the sociopath is master of disguise, and will do and say anything to get what he wants. Being kind is another manipulation tool that is used when he either wishes to lure you in, in the beginning, or to lure you back when he feels that he is losing you.

Words © datingasociopath.com

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30 thoughts on “Confusion of Kindness

  1. Ah yes this happened last Sept. Seduction stage after he had gotten no emotions from me at all. What a game. My God I so wish I knew this last yr.about these hollow people, but he lost me, so in a way thats taking responsibility for his actions, he has to be punished.

  2. I don’t think I can handle anymore , I have fell for this trap 3 times before over 10 years – each time he tells me that he loves me and tht he will promise to try harder . Only takes a matter of weeks before he has let it slip. The pattern always consists of I am not sure i want to be with you, but i do love you, I need time and he goes.. Weeks later I hear nothing and am distraught , question him to find he has not even thought of me so I end it in deverstation . He then turns verbally nasty and goes out of his way to do things that he knows would upset me- court threats, divorce spending time with other women etc etc Later on he is back and starts being nice again. Sad thing is I have children with him and they keep on seeing their daddy go and backtrack on his promises ( which always ends up being my fault) going through silent treatment as we speak . I have to try and be strong but I can’t handle the thought of him being with someone else , keeps me awake at night . These posts have really helped me to understand what I am dealing with so thank you x

    1. Hi Lucy welcome to the site. It can be difficult to leave. Especially when you love them (but you do not love the behaviour) this is common. The thing is that he will not change and you will go through this cycle of abuse over and over – until you say enough. Ultimately you end up deciding who do you love most – you or him?

      1. Hi Lucy

        I am also a mother with 2 kids. I ve been dating a guy for 7 years now that has been up and down, then he is deeply in love with me then he hates me then brakes up with me then this then that and cheated on me. he broke me into a million pieces, i go through all the pain and hurt then a few weeks down the line he is at my door step crying and wanting me back. I have prayed so many times to get out of this and to meet someone else to take me out of this situation! and it did happen and I did meet someone else by chance not planned. we broke up for 3 months and we somehow got back together. this happen twice in our relationship. he has slated my name to all our friends and family and he was the poor victim and what a monster I am. He perceived to the world this and everyone fell for it and believed him not knowing what he is like behind closed doors.

        It’s really sad how a guy can brake a woman spirit to make him look better.

        I have felt so much HATE for him but he managed to sweep me of my feet each and every time we broke up and promised me so much and bla bla bla bla…. and I fell for it each and every time.

        to cut the story short we are married now. I am not sure if I ve made the biggest mistake of my life. I am a strong woman but he seem to have such a control over my life in such a sneaky manipulative way that it scares me.

        I know now after reading more about Sociopaths that I AM MARRIED TO ONE!! and they say here that they will never change! what in gods name am I going to do? is there not a cure or some medication that could help with this?

      2. Hi you say about the on and off and ending things. Have you also looked at borderline personality disorder. As the same things can happen with BPD – but it is different as with sociopaths it is all for personal gain and manipulative to get what they want a mask of deception. Welcome to the site 🙂

      3. This is a good point, but I would like to add if you don’t love his behavior than you don’t really love him. After all people are made up of their actions and not what they say they are.

    2. Positivagirl is right, you are in a cycle of abuse. To believe his lies in the face of inconsistencies is insane and, as you said, not helping shape character in your children by observing his behaviors, or your responses to them.

      I wasn’t planning to share this publicly but, I feel you need to hear it. Honey, if he’s gone for weeks at a time, he’s in the bed(s) of other women. Period. No matter what he would have you believe. Even if he’s gone for afternoon, that could be the case.

      Mine kept me waiting hours after I asked him to please come, that I wasn’t feeling well and needed some prescriptions. I never do this so he should’ve known it was serious. I waited a few hours and need overtook patience. I texted I guess I would be getting the prescriptions myself. He reasoned, “I guess I can stay out longer.” Not, “I should get my a$$ in gear before I blow my relationship with her.” He showed up around midnight, 4 hours after my outreach to him, with an entertainment cabinet for my son he had promised (guilt gift?)

      Some of his excuses for not coming immediately were that he needed to shower and change (he hadn’t), that his son hadn’t picked up his grandchild, and that *I* was keeping him on the phone texting (gotta love that reflection of guilting the victim). I told him to get the h*ll off the phone and drive. Even after he said “Ok!”, it still took him longer than it should have. He was not doing what he said he was.

      When he came, there wasn’t much conversation. I asked what he’d done that day and he admitted to, “Watching silly people,” and laughed about that. He also inserted that some of his “down time” was drive time. I put together some puzzle pieces with that bit of info but, that’s off-topic to this reply and for another time.

      Ultimately, before he got ready to leave around 3am, he kissed on me and held me. He asked for the 3rd time, “Are you going to be alright?” I sighed and said, “You can go.” At the door, I wouldn’t hug him and told him I was tired of him not showing up for me, though he held that he really didn’t know the request for him to come was urgent, even though I blatantly said, “I need you.” He said he was trying to do what I wanted, but his disregard for me and greater concern for self was obvious.

      The next morning, I wiped my mouth with a tissue to discover pink frosted lipstick. I had to look twice because I really couldn’t believe it. I bathed and wiped more all over a washcloth. He had obviously been into someone pretty deeply. I was completely disgusted and let him know. He said he had only been with a child, no woman, that the pink must’ve been a combination of strawberries and chapstick, which he wears always. Not possible, unfortunately. I went to no contact after that, and I’m thinking through all the other times we’ve been together now, wondering if he’s transferred other women’s lipstick onto me before, without my knowledge. If you are having unprotected sex with him, God help.

      This happened Sunday. He texted me yesterday to “response check”, saying, “I have fresh corn if you want some.” I ignored the content and replied, “I can’t see you right now, and without apology, I may never again.” No apology, no response. If he does apologize, he knows that’s an admission and the mask has then fallen. But I can never operate the same with him as I did before because I have this glaring truth in my face. Please, for your own good, and the good of your children, accept those things you know about the man you’re with… you will thank yourself later.

      And, on a personal note, I know it’s hard, believe me, I do. We would all rather they just be the lie. They are not.

    3. One other thing I wanted to share since our guys seem to share some similarities (and probably others here will recognize this too), mine has been very frank about his inability to change. He told me outright once when I expressed displeasure about behaviors that he could, “Try harder”, but that ultimately, even when he does his best, it “won’t last”. I really think that was genuine. As was his comment early in our relationship that, “Someone is always upset in my world”. I’m sure that’s true if he’s tryiing to have full relationships with everyone. I’ve told him it only dilutes our interactions for him to be spread thin, to make a choice to dedicate. If he can’t do that, he will get responses inline with his behaviors, and to not be surprised by the displeasure. I believe he doesn’t like that it divides us, but he can’t seem to change it, and I feel I have no choice but to reject it to protect my self-respect.

    4. I had that, he would say exactly the same as yours every time he left, not sure if he wanted to be with me anymore and then leave and silence, it’s been a week this time, the longest he’s left for, I’m hurting and dazed and confused

      1. Hi Liegh, I am sorry that you are hurting. I know that this hurts, but try to use this time to focus back on you. Know that they almost always come back. Always….. at some time in the future. The more that you pour energy into you – the harder it will be for him to come back.

  3. My boyfriend was extremely violent and abusive to me the last two nights. This happens every few weeks. The trigger is usually because I express disappointment in him (because of lies, false promises etc – very unreliable and self-centred), criticism of him or his behaviour in some way, or me getting upset at a memory of another abusive incident. He will literally explode and become so cruel and hateful and violent. Beating me, humiliating me. Then calling me pathetic and sneering at me for “acting like the victim”.
    It is so shocking because he is so lovely and kind and good tempered most of the time. But when this happens he becomes inhuman. No empathy at all. Blames me for everything, including him punching me.

    But by this afternoon, he is in floods of tears, begging for forgiveness. So helpless. So sad. Hating himself. Calling me constantly, crying down the phone. It makes ME feel like the cruel one if I don’t help him!
    This is what always happens. I always fall for it because I want to care for him, and when he is like this, I guess I feel so needed by him.

    I don’t know if his behaviour is sociopathtic, because I don’t think he plans an ‘attack’ – he says I am always the cause, because I will express some sort of issue I have with him (ie; a broken promise, again) and he says that makes him feel bad and under pressure. So he immediately hates me intensely and will get violent and verbally abusive very quickly. He does things like shushing me constantly when I am trying to talk and then choking or gagging me if I cry to loudly.

    I know if I ‘give in’ to him now, he will be super nice and loving for the next week or so, but I think he will resent it soon if the balance of power is in my court, so will start being distant, hot-cold etc before eventually exploding again and hurting me.
    I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Nobody has a clue. My friends and family would almost not believe me that this “lovely man” could hurt me like this on a regular basis.
    I guess what I am asking is for advice on resisting his neediness at this stage. He says he is sooo sorry (again) and is begging for forgiveness. But was so cold and calculated only last night when he was kicking and punching me!! I’m so confused. Please help me resist. It’s like I am craving some love and affection, which I know I would get loads of from him right now if I give in – but it probably is not genuine love….?
    And the cycle will just start again?

    1. Hi Eva, welcome to the site. Eva, this man is abusing you – IT WILL NOT STOP IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE!!

      I can promise you this. Domestic violence does not get better. No matter what he says. he will say ‘he is sorry’ it won’t happen again. He will say ‘this is your fault’ that ‘you pushed him’ and that there is something wrong with you.

      NO – HE IS WRONG NOT YOU.

      What is is displaying is an extreme form of narcissistic rage. This type is the most dangerous of all. Please, you need to GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!! IT WILL NOT GET BETTER.

      I promise you it won’t get better. I worked a lot with victims of domestic violence. You say he is a liar, deceptive, manipulative, turns things around on you, seems like a lovely guy…. I think you will identify with a lot written on this site.

      Please seek outside help (and we will support you too). You need to contact a domestic violence support unit in your area. This man sounds really dangerous. He will hit you again, each time it will get worse than the last time. Please get some help to get away from him, as I promise it will not get better.

    2. He sounds just like one of them (including domestic violence). I had one that sounds like yours, it always went in a cycle like that. I also used to get hit and punched as I cried and told to shut up and stop crying. Of course you cry more, allowing them to hit you more, for not doing as you are told. They justify it to themselves because they think you deserved it. Get out is all I can say, and read this site from top to bottom so you learn how and why you should leave and understand it is not your fault and he will never change. Hopefully you can escape and learn to ignore contact, and more importantly, be aware of your next relationship. I fell for exactly the same thing twice!

    3. Please get help! You are in terrible pain within yourself if you are accepting this abuse. I know because I’ve been there and understand you and your pain. You can heal, but you need a warm and loving person in your life to help and I don’t mean a man, I mean a great therapist. Find one that will help you release the deep routed pain you have inside. Please love yourself enough to get help, get him OUT of your life, and begin to find joy and happiness in your life. I did it and I promise you can too! Peace, self love, and joy to you!

  4. Hi Eva,
    Some things you said stood out to me. You said he “has no empathy at all”, and that he “blames you for everything”. Most glaring was that he “sneers at you for acting like a victim” (a situation he creates through his inappropriate behaviors). While he is now begging for forgiveness, that’s not the same as admitting guilt. Chances are, in his mind, this is really still all your fault, and you would be reinforcing that belief if you sold yourself out for a little fake love so he could get back what makes HIM most comfortable.

    You could ask him to admit guilt, and he might, but he’d be lying. Because your partner is very physically dangerous, you might get him to a public place then have this dialog. If he does admit guilt, then comment, “So, it was actually YOU that’s acting like a victim, not me; do you agree?” And then just watch his reaction. I would expect this to piss him off as he thinks all measures of controlling you are at his disposal, including lying to you momentarily to get his way. Underneath it all though, you are with a very violent person who does not care about you. People who care don’t choke or gag you… under any conditions. And they don’t blame you for their issues. He is incapable of recognizing “his issues”.

    I know you know this deep down, though you are thinking it could never happen to you… but he will kill you eventually in a fit of rage, then claim insanity. He would get away with it too, given his convincing act. Don’t become a statistic out of curiosity and fear that no one “out there” will love you. They will. It is you who has to be convinced of this. Ask yourself why a guy, who you KNOW is a liar, is able to convince you of things you know are not true. YOU feel you deserve this on some level. Are you so wrong, such a poor judge of character that you can’t figure out this is off-the-charts abusive behavior? No. You stay because you fear a psychopath could be more right than your own sane mind. Trust yourself. Get you and any children out of this, fast. Any other move is deluding yourself.

    1. Such a truthful response. Thank you. A lying psycho who is violent is the most dangerous of all. Scarlett is right, you could eventually become a statistic. I bet if you looked into his past he has beat women before.

      You cannot save him. This is not your fault there is not anything you have done to deserve this. Worse, is that this will not get better. It will almost certainly get worse. What starts off as a slap becomes worse over time.

      I am telling you this because it is true. I have done dv training with police and dv units through work. It does always get worse not better over time. Sure he will have an excuse and a reason. But like Scarlett says he is not sorry. Even if he says he is. He hits you as in his mind you are his possession and control. He owns you. He might try to say right words to you to win you back around. Admit enough and empathise enough to bring you round. After all he would know you are too ashamed to talk about this to other people. He has planned this too.

      What starts off as a poke, or a slap escalates and escalates. Please get help from a local domestic violence unit in your area (Google for the number). They will help you. You know the time when you leave them is when you are most at risk. He could take your life in a fit of rage.

  5. yes PLEASE leave any DV situation where physical violence is taking place. I did years ago only to find out that the girl he married after he, he shot in the head in front of their 3 kids and then turned the gun on himself in front of them as well. It would have been me if I had stayed. It took him 6 years with her to get to that point. Please get out while you can!

    1. Omg thank you lotus. I always stress this point. A psycho who is violent is the most dangerous of all. They have no conscience and in a fit of rage could do the worst thing… That must have shaken you up when you heard this news.

  6. So it’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I had went 3.5 months no contact with my soc, and he did not try to contact me as he was in a new relationship. He contacted me about 3 weeks ago wanting to get together (he messed it up with his new girl). I was stupid and went and fell for it again. He told me how much he’s changed and how much he’s learned from his mistakes that he made with me, and that he thinks we could work again because the chemistry was still there. We spent 2 awesome weeks together. He would send me cute texts and pictures, being all sweet and kind. Then out of nowhere he became withdrawn again because I wasn’t “completely ready” to be serious with him. Now he is barely talking to me, and saying he doesn’t know if he can wait although that’s what he said to me at the beginning when he lured me back in again. I had told him him I wanted to take it slow to be sure that this was the right thing, and he withdraws all attention from me. Is this typical behavior of a sociopath?

    1. Hi I think its typical behaviour of someone who doesn’t know what they want. Sociopaths usually have you under their radar and keep you there. Keeping you captive. They usually know very well what it is that they want (although that isn’t always what they display to you). This does sound like quite manipulative behaviour. Where he is pulling you in and then pushing you away, this cannot bring you happiness, and will leave you feeling really drained.

  7. This type of confusion is called cognitive dissonance. The psycho path is polarized between acts of kindness and sheer evil, but we attach to the kindness (because we are kind), and this is how we continue in these pathological relationships.

  8. I finally left my abusive relationship after 2 years and knowing that I’d made so many allowances for him and excuses for his absences and realising that he just didn’t care about my needs and also finding out about 3 other women. He never hit me but showed me the red mist with verbal abuse and crazy behaviour as if to warn me what he was capable of. The slightest ‘wrong’ he perceived would send him into a rage. I remember him trying to persuade me to stay with him (and succeeding) only for me to discover more women in his phone book. When I’d accepted that I still wanted this man and felt addicted to him, call it love or call it brainwashed, I remember keeping this from my friends but I allowed the madness back in, only to find the same behaviour, the same manipulation, the same black heart.
    I called the Police on him in the end, he tried to change my mind yet again and, I think his ego couldn’t take it. He’d got away with this so many times before and he figured he’d talk me around again. His vanity was staggering. A sociopath is a wordsmith. You’ll notice how flowery his writing is, how he feels things more deeply than anyone, how seductive he is, how wronged he’s been, how much he’s a victim of circumstance, you know the pattern. And I firmly believed that he would eventually beat me.
    When I look back I can forgive myself for loving what I thought I was getting. I can also forgive myself for trying again, because my motives were pure and my love was real. His love was not real, it was control and manipulation. Thanks to sites like this one, I’ve healed and gained so much validation from here that I am truly grateful. Peace to all still in the cycle and just keep reading these accounts and know that you’re not crazy.

  9. Mine disappears for about a month at a time. When he reappears, every time, even while living with another woman, its the same old same old. “I can’t get you out of my head” “i love and miss you girls”, (referring to myself and our daughter)- “you sexy, love you….my soul mate, love of my life” this n that blah blah “please be nice to me”! I can’t find myself to be nice to him, and if I am, its not for very long! I always call him out on his bullshit and I know he doesn’t like it! pretty much he tries to get me to the point of just being nice enough to get me believing him, his love blah blah, or he’s manipulating me to see his daughter, at my expense, and then I get angry at him for the bullshit and then he usually goes back to silent again for a while. He’s even said he’s going to show up at my door with a “shiny ring”! He’s been saying that for quite some time.. hes cheated so many times, I can’t keep track, hes denied it when he could but I believe I’m right on despite what he’s said, a few times sadly, he couldn’t deny it and I was so sickened and hurt. He won’t admit his sociopathic behavior, he claims to have a conscience, anyone with a conscience doesn’t have sex behind another’s back then goes home to sleep with his significant other without a hint of guilt, no remorse .in fact is an amazing actor…. He’s so convincing, charming its scary…he can cry in cue, or he’ll get frustrated and punch himself when I call him out or deny his affection… ugh. I could write a book on this… the no contact goes strong for me, every day I ignore or he stays away I get stronger, then, just as I’m ok. He starts up again…then, he’s persistent, pushing me, “lovin me”, then I give in for the sake of my daughter, or so I think or how I reason with myself, even thoug he goes quite some time without any contact about her at all, its always about”us girls”, not to mention his lack of financial support… He is most important person….his needs and wants come before all others… I still give in, making myself vulnerable and sad again and again…viscous cycle and I am back to anger, hurt and frustration with myself really. I ultimately blame me…. the no contact is so important. And for me, there are no court order for him to see his daughter, at all, I am guilted and manipulated into believing its important for her and not to do what his ex did with his son, and not to take her away from her daddy, how important a daddy is in a childs life. I left him because of how unhealthy I felt it was for her, I didn’t want her to think it was ok to behave this way or to accept these things….. ugh, so frustrating… so, here I am, starting all over, again, and again…. even as recent as this past weekend when I went up there for a getaway and somehow he knew we were there… not from me, supposedly he had a hunch… and, of course,.he couldn’t, as always, keep his hands off of me… then, goes home to his girlfriend… I remember, he has no conscience, if he did, he’d recognize how hurt, both me and his daughter are, and he’d leave me alone, be faithful to his new woman. And he’d truly try to be a stand up father…. period. He’s a user and it’s always, all about HIM.

    1. Great comment, thank you Laura.

      I know that it was the one thing that sent me back, again and again, as I was lured back in. Only for the same thing to happen all over again.

      You are so right – by focusing on the lack of conscious rather than the words that he says – you will see the truth. He will just say whatever he needs to say, and be whoever he needs to be, to get whatever it is that he wants….. I know how much this hurts, when this repeats over and over, you are right – it IS always about HIM.

    2. Reading this is as if I wrote it myself about my sp, however, this post out off all related exactly to mine, not just with similarities, but the same exact actions. Mine also disappears for a month at a time and comes back saying the same exact sentence ” “I can’t get you out of my head” “i love and miss you girls” instead of girls however, just miss you. He also is able to cry on cue when he needs, and he also hits himself when I tell him he doesn’t love me and call him out on his bullshit. Every time he disappears it makes it harder for me to ignore the bad. Especially once another girl started to get involved in the picture because for 4 years it was just me no one else, at least no one else physically the flirting would happen with some other girls. However, since he got into a new relationship and kept coming back its been harder now that I see he can come and say he misses me and can’t stop thinking about me and all that bullshit then ironically if I call him out enough and tell him I don’t want to see him he will fall right back into his ex’s arms, the one he said he can’t stand and would never see again. So i see it plain and clear that its all bullshit. I just wish I had the complete power to not agree to talk to him at all, but they do a really good job of making us feel guilty when they are the one’s who should feel so guilty I guess that’s why its easy for them to cry because they know it works so well!

  10. I can relate to all this. I am a man who was involved with a narcissistic woman for 2 years. I have been no contact for 7 months now,and am feeling much better. I have had strong feelings of wanting to get revenge,but have refrained because of advice from friends and websites such as this. Eventually these people hang themselves,so we don’t need to do it. I just found out from a mutual acquaintance that my ex gf lost her Section 8 housing and was evicted from her apartment. Because of fraud,illegal drug activity,and-of course-non-payment of rent. So to anyone considering acts of revenge against their sociopath,I urge you to also refrain. Let God do it. As he is with my ex. You reap what you sow,Jesus said. And while I am not gloating over this,I must admit I do get a certain satisfaction from hearing that things are not going well for her since our break up. And I believe things are going to get worse for her as time goes on. And she has brought it all on herself. It’s not what I wanted for her. I offered her a better life,but she rejected that and chose to go over to the dark side. So it is out of my hands now. Personally,I think she will wind up in prison eventually. But all I can do is stay no contact,remember what she is-and always will be-and work on healing myself and becoming a better person. My compassion and sympathy to all who have ever loved a narcissist/sociopath. You-like me-are good,loving,caring people,who just got involved with the wrong person,for whatever reason. Love and healing to all.

  11. This is so well written, I can relate to all of this too. This site is brilliant and has helped me to gather the courage to end things. It’s so difficult to see the rational thoughts though every time he contacts again… I broke it off a month ago because I was pretty certain he’s a sociopath and because he treated me horribly, doing what about every sociopath does I guess, cheating, ignoring me for 3 weeks straight and then picking up as if nothing happened, degrading me all the time into doing stuff I was NOT comfortable with, at all. Using me whenever he needed me and then throwing me away like trash only to subsequently pick me up again.. (it took 3 months between realising he was and making the decision to end things) and now a month later he still tries to contact me twice a week to tell me how he misses me and how he wants to see me and stuff.. I haven’t responded to any of this since I broke it off. I feel so bad for not responding and I have to control myself to not fall into this trap again… Is it bad that I’m not responding to anything? He also (after a month, took long enough) asked if I was mad at him following with 5 messages at 3 different times that he wanted to see me and missed me. Also, how long will this last? I’ve been ignoring him for a month straight and he still tries to lure me back in. Hasn’t he had enough?

    1. Hi, what he is doing in those periods of silence, is just keeping his options open. Sociopaths rarely let a source of supply go, ‘just in case’. So they ignore you, knowing that nothing is really closed. It is like a cat and mouse game that they play. The game will continue for as long as you allow it to continue. Sociopaths don’t think of other peoples feelings, not really. it is all about them. What they can get. You would think it reasonable, that if you don’t want to be with somebody, then just ‘end it’, but it doesn’t work like that for them. They prefer to keep the door open, just in case. 1. It makes them feel empowered, and 2. Because they can 3. They don’t like being alone. On that note, during those times of silence, don’t think for one minute that he is just ‘alone’ he isn’t he is with somebody else. He gets back in touch, just to touch base to ensure that you are not moving on. Its about ownership, possession and control. It’s the way that they work and operate.

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