It can be quite crushing, when the man that you are in love with turns out to be nothing but a compulsive pathological liar. When you realise that you have been used by someone that you gave everything to. This person is someone that you shared your life with, and no doubt your finances too. You had hopes and dreams, none of which came true.
It can feel shattering when you realise that this person has now moved on, and met someone new. You can feel, used, abused and just worthless. (you are not, I promise)
You will ask the following questions, and at worst, this will play on your mind, and you can spend hours, days, and sometimes weeks or months, torturing yourself with the following questions about his/her new partner and the life he is living without you:
- What does he/she have that I do not?
- Why is he/she treating her/him better than me?
- If he/she is now being this ‘perfect man/woman’ that he/she said would be with me, why now – why was I not good enough?
- Why can he/she do it for her/him and not for me?
- What is wrong with me?
- Why didn’t I deserve to be treated in that way?
These are common questions that are asked and felt by people who have been involved with a sociopath, once the sociopath has moved on to someone new. The thoughts in your mind, can feel soul destroying and the pain unbearable.
You hear that he/she is in ‘love’ and is like a different person. It is most likely that the sociopath will tell you how happy he/she now is and to ‘thank you’
Yes, that is right, they will thank you for
- All that you taught them
- All that you gave to them
They will tell you how happy they are now, and that they are sorry that they didn’t do this whilst they were with you. And that you do deserve to happy. This can feel like a kick in the teeth.
You look back at everything you went through with this person, and now they are telling you how they are NOW Mr/Mrs Perfect, Mr/Mrs reliable – he/she is now everything that they pretended they were in the beginning for you.
And that last sentence is the most important one. So important, that I will repeat it again.
He/she is now everything that they pretended they were in the beginning for you (yes I know that this hurts, but hear me out)
The word ‘pretend’ is of course an important one. I know that this hurts, but you are looking at the situation forgetting that your ex is a sociopath. He/she is a person who does not live by the norms of others. Remember in the beginning, how he/she also pretended to be perfection and how you were sucked in? Well the same thing is happening again. Only this time to someone else and not you, remember the drill
What is now happening, is that the sociopath has regained composure, put back on a new mask, and is now playing the game again. This time he/she is seducing someone else, just as he/she once seduced you.
This is cause to celebrate!!! What this means is that YOU ARE FREE!!!! Yes, that is right, you are FREE!! Of course he/she hasn’t changed. They can’t change remember? This is nothing to do with you. This is nothing to do with how inadequate YOU are. They WILL be the same with someone else. So celebrate your freedom.
Don’t delay what you CAN do today!! You are free!! So go celebrate that freedom…..
You have lost nothing. Because you know that after seduction comes gaming/ruining. Not just sometimes, but all the time, as this is the way that they are.
There is nothing for you to feel jealous of. Your ex hasn’t suddenly turned into an amazing person. Has not suddenly turned into a person who he/she always promised you would be. Yes, it is true that you were used, but this is not a reflection on you. This is a reflection on them.
Your ex hasn’t changed for someone else, because they can’t. it is who they are. They can’t change. They CAN put on another mask and pretend again for a while, but this is all, this is all that is happening. But, just as his/her history is chequered with carnage, the same thing will happen again.
Try to be grateful, that the abuse of you has stopped, that he/ she has a new source of supply to use, for as long as it lasts. Most likely he/she will be back in touch, so be grateful for this space, to concentrate on you. Because one thing is for sure, that the sociopath is one personality type who can never change.
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259 thoughts on “Don’t feel jealous when he moves onto someone new!”
Any thoughts on what to do when it’s your separated husband. He left me and the kids but refuses to divorce. Married 20 years. He tells me to divorce if I want to but he is fine separated. I am Christian and praying for his healing and return though. For over a year now. He did cheat and his addiction is spending money. He can’t stop he says. I don’t want to cut contact with him because I don’t want to hurt the kids. Yes I make it super easy for him to visit as he pleases. He always has plans and rarely takes the kids. I can only ensure the kids see him if make it easy for him to visit them. He does support financially. Will I ever heal if I’m in love with him and want to reconcile but we are living according to his rules? He prefers his single life but likes that we are still there for him when he needs us. I don’t want to be on bad terms bit I feel I must sacrifice to keep everyone happy. I truly want to reconcile but he refuses to repent abd change his ways. Am I just damaging my self? I have no idea how to be mean and cut all ties. He is my family even though his actions are wrong. Very confused!!
They love to confuse you, this is the name of their game. His distance, has you still connected to him. There is no closure, you so you don’t know what is going on. Giving him ultimate power and control. He wants his cake and eat it, he probably has other women on the side and possibly a totally different life to the one that you know about. He is in control, he is making the rules, and you are unhappy. Can you not go for divorce? As this could go on for a long time if you don’t take action.
@tobevisible you will hurt your kids deeply by staying in this situation. growing up i was the child in this kind of relationship and the most damaging thing my mama did was stay with him and accept these things. your kids are watching how he treats you and developing heartbreaking belief systems about what “love” is. when women stay in the relationship and accept these things, they are teaching their kids that this horrible abuse and dysfunction is what relationships are about, and it’s not even close to the truth. the most beautiful and loving thing you can do for your children is choose to learn to love yourself, stop giving him the power in the situation, and YOU make the decision to start untangling from the pain. i promise you, if your children witness you make the choice to love yourself and take them into a new life where people love and respect each other, it’s the most beautiful gift you can give them! ❤
since you are a Christian, do you believe that a God that loves you and cherishes you and your children wants this life for you? no way! a God that loves you and cherishes you wants you and your children to be loved and cherished by the people in your lives! you pray for this man's return, but this man does not love you, and God not answering the prayer of returning him to you is a God that is loving you and protecting you from a life of pain.
Believe me he will continue I was dating this guy for three years found out he was still married to her. Living sseparately I assumimg she is a christian too. I really want to talk to her. He is sick as hell. I hate him.
I have to be honestly blunt here…
Your husband will never change on his own. It would take for him to call out to the Lord and ASK to be delivered because he WANTS to be delivered. Do you really think that will be the course and choice he will make? Believe when I say I know exactly what you are going through. I have been married for 15 exhausting years and did not know my husband was a sociopth untill God showed me to google sociopath at 3 something in the morning while laying in bed those couple years back. I have been educating myself on sociopath and narcissists every sense. I cannot read enough because it has helped me to make my decision to finally go ahead and divorce. The last thing God showed me to do was to search the scriptures on divorce. I am very solid in my decision because of what I learned and read about divorce from the bible. I don’t even think about the socio/narc anymore. I am thinking about my life and how good it feels to be free. I am thinking about what a GREAT life I am walking towards, leaving all drama and the heaviness behind right where God wants me to leave as HE paves my way to a life of refreshing and renewal. I am so excited about that!!!I just suggest you let go and let God. Your life is on hold as long as you are looking and waiting for an illusion to become real. It never will.. You are only being controlled by the big bad boogie man under the bed. I say wake up and slay him by saying goodbye, accept that the monster is not real. Tell the big bad wolf that he was never real, because it’s true. Soon enough you will see IT disipate before your eyes. Know that life is good, soooo good and God wants to show you that,…let HIM! You say you are a christian woman and so am I. Being a christian does not constitute being a fool for anyone. I hope and pray that you stop wasting your precious time/years and let God restore to you what the enemy has stolen. God bless you and may God open your minds eye to see. Some times we let our emotions get in the way of making the best, right and rational decisons. Don’t let the “matters of the heart” win with this…let the true, cold hard facts of your experience speak for themselves. All of us on here had to come to that point, I hope you will to. Be blessed.
I love your positivity Bridget!! 🙂
These stories are so very real and true. One was actually written about me a couple years ago. And YES, he is still bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball.
He moved on and married someone else, but only lasted the typical 3 year span. Then he came back to me because of course I was one of a couple that truly had his “heart”.
Well the game lasted here there and everywhere. Then the hate again, then the no contact, then the lies being told and of course the cheating all over again.
Short of being dead to get away from him, I took a job 3 states away and guess who made their way there? Not just once but twice in 6 months.
All along having a girlfriend who he asked to marry him. Of course he just formally divorced in March 2017 and met her in June. Saw me in Aug and in Nov, yet asked the new girl to marry him.
Well the truth came out again and of course he showered her with gifts and bought xmas for her and her kids prematurely. Since he went there Friday night and supposedly broke up with her and SPIT in her face.
He called to tell me the details, then suddenly hung up on me and did not try to call back until Sat nite and left me a VM that I had him blocked and he was going to eat with his brother. He called to tell me that he JUST realized I was blocked. He of course blocked me because he was with the girlfriend.
I allowed the games, but it doesn’t hurt like it used to because I know it is a game and all lies, no matter how sincere it seems and no matter how much you want to believe things have changed. HE will never change.
When you look back he just isn’t all that. He’s older now and doesn’t look that good. He wears a sleep mask so how romantic is that? He contracted Hepatitis so how alluring is that?
Time to say a final Goodbye to all the drama, that he says is my fault. Yet my life goes on and is success and happy even without him. His life is a groundhog day of repeats.
He really is nasty enough to SPIT in someones face and then told me that if it was me he would of PUNCHED me in the face by the way we fight. Do I want to stick around to that possibly happening?
My son once said that it scares him to think I would ever be with him again, because he feels one day they may never see me again at the hands of the sociopath. And now knowing of his disease and his admission to hurt me on many levels. My son may be right.
I will always have feelings for him, for whatever reason, but I know it was never meant to be.
Little Big Town has a song “wish you were a better man” says it all. We remember the magic and how good it was, we miss them, but we wish they were a better man to be real.
Please heed my words. Some times it is best to finally say Goodbye and let go. They just come back to mess with our lives and thoughts and move on to the next victim.
Prayers to you all.
Sounds like he has gone way downhill and past it. It is good that you see him for who he is. Hepitis is infectious you do not want to catch that. Nasty. (As if being a psycho was not enough). How did he get that sex or injecting drugs?
He got hepatitis from multiple sex partners that he solicited during his #8 unhappy marriage. Of course it was HER fault that he cheated. He bragged that it was a great night. He had never had so many partners at one time.
Within 6 months, he was jaundice, itching all over, and deathly sick in the hospital. He tried to blame it on every one else and excuses but it caught up with him.
Unfortunately it did not kill him, which I truly feel the only way to be truly rid of a sociopath is if someone dies to be rid of them.
He is onto marriage #9..lucky girl..I’m sure she feels special being #9. Like she will be the ONE who is meant for him to change..but we all know in a short time, 3 yrs at most, he will need #10.
They all are users and he buys, gas lighting them with things, then he uses that against them that they are users.
I was the only one that never took from him. I had my own house, job and car and paid my own bills. That is what sets me apart from the rest.
Yes he has really gone down hill and all the best to #9 and #10..and the next and next. The cycle will never end for him.
Of Course it is always the woman fault. When I think back on it, he just really isn’t the prince he pretended to be with the false mask. It slips pretty fast. And with the new woman calling him a controlling asshole, and he spit in her face, yet made up with him, then she deserves just what he will give. Stupid women are still stupid women or just plain users.
This site is the best to help in healing, even after all this time. Since 2012 and his two marriages and countless flings since he and I was together. He still comes back around. The boomerang.
Thank you both for your supportive words @positivagirl and @sweetpea. Regarding your question about divorce. It is my desire that he repents and we save our marriage and family. However I truly believe if it is not Gods will that my husband will divorce me. I truly thank you for your comments!
He will never ever repent. He will only play the game for longer.
I was married to a narcissist for a year, we were together for 5 years. We got divorced and then he wanted to get back together 3 months later be ause he “never stopped loving me” I too am a Christian and prayed… ” Dear Heavenly Father, only you know our hearts… If they are pure and true, please reconcile us to be the family you called us to be…. If they are not pure, and true please close the door and make it obvious. Lord I only want what you give, If you have worked on Steves heart and change his heart towards Andrew and myself, let him show it and make it clear this is what you want… I am scared and I have lost my trust in Steve…I don’t ever want to go back to what I just came from….” we are no longer together or trying to reconcile… God cloed the door and is making sure it stays closed….
This is happening to me atm. Im trying to divorce him, but he keeps stalling it, and all of a sudden it went quiet and I found out he has someone new. It’s painfull but I’m happy and hope that it lasts between them so that he might give me my divorce. He said he will but I’m not so sure. It’s hard when you can’t believe a word he Is saying
Do you live in a no fault state? This is NOT ok. You have grounds to get out of this marriage. He cannot hold you hostage for long. I hope he moves on with the new supply. Guess what? That won’t last either. Same story over and over.
But how do I know that they are still the same when all I see is that they have changed for the better? Why is she so much better than me..why is he with her when it’s blatantly obvious that she is nothing close to being the high value woman that I try so hard to be? Yet, the man I loved left me and now is showing off his new girlfriend and it crushes me every time I hear about it. I don’t know what to do or how to make the leftover feelings I have for him go away??!! I’m so angry at myself for allowing this to happen to me.To realize that you are forgotten and was actually nothing to someone that you gave your love to..smh-I don’t know what to do…my brain keeps trying to think of what to say or do to show him how much I still love him…but why? It won’t change a thing-no matter what I say or do.it means NOTHING TO HIM.How can you hurt another person like that..just how?
Hey I know you are hurting. You need to remember that they are psychological illusionists, nothing is really real! He is mirroring her now, not you. How you look or act is not of importance. It isn’t about who is better. It is about who can give him MORE of what he wants. It is all about him, and his needs. What you look like and your values, matter very little, unless of course he can manipulate you. It isn’t that you are ‘forgotten’ and ‘worthless’ it is that he is focused and mirroring someone else to get what he wants. This is really all that it is. They don’t have real relationships, it is fake. They use people, to get what they want.
Positivagirl thank you so much. You are truly an angel for this blog, article, and response. Empathetic people are almost non-existent it seems and the world seems cold. I feel exactly as Sherrie Johnson feels above and this reponse is like water in a desert to me. I slipped and went back a the sociopath in my life hoovered back right in my life right at the time I got over him, healed, and found and a great guy totalt opposite of him which I ended up screwing uo because I allowed the socio to manipulate me only to be duper again. I regret it and unfortunately I have to live with that plus the rage I have for him. I finaly broke things off and told him flat out in the discrd phase “you are a sociopath, you have no remorse or guilt for the things you do and how you manipulate people. Go to hell.” my comment to him was not for him but to myself to explicitly let it be known that I am okay and it is okay to let him go. I hope for all of us here reading this, we can know from here on out, dont invest your emotional health in emotionaly warped and damaged people. These people can rob you of your sanity for the one, precious, priceless wonderful life you should be able to safely enjoy.
Hey at peace, aren’t they horrible? Luring you back when you are happy, just because…… it’s all about winning and being in control. Well done you for telling him and his sorry ass to go to hell. Go live life and spread happiness 🙂 you deserve it and he deserves to rot in his own…. well…
i love your blog, thank you so much. to your response above (and so much of what i’ve read)… what do you mean by “source of supply” and what they “need.” are they like energy vampires sucking the life out of their victims? why don’t they provide for their own needs? a woman i know has an ASPD and she tried to explain they are motivated by what they need and they are “creating their own reality.” but, i can’t wrap my mind around this.
Hi Kelly, thank you for your response. Source of supply, is a source that they do not have, that you have (or perceived to have) therefore they use you (or someone else) as a source to get what they want. They are highly manipulative and deceptive and love to con and dupe people to get what they want. What they ‘need’ can be anything that they feel is missing in their life. Or might soon be. Like a roof over their head, sex, money, social status, appearance to the outside world, anything really that they feel that they need – and that they feel you (or whoever is the victim) can provide.
Try to remember these sociopaths have no conscience. They need new energy sources. They become bored. They only care about themselves.
If you have something they need and it will benefit them, they will love bomb, idealize, and future fake your life until they drain you dry. Then onto the next. Discard you.
His new source has something he needs. After awhile he will have worn her out. Picked at that happiness until she is mental and physically exhausted.
Just as you are.
Any kind of reaction you are giving to his actions will be more of what he needs for survival.
Best thing is a NO CONTACT. Block him from your life. Don’t worry about her or their fake relationship. It won’t last and they won’t be eternally happy. Don’t lose another minute of sleep or happiness over the evilness and cruelty that thrives in him. It is extremely hard to do. Support groups everywhere. Thousands and thousands of people like you are having the exact same heartbreak. Its all textbook. Its a pattern. Read all you can and you will see. They are all the same.
Thank you for this blog, I have been dealing with this for a year now, 10 years ago I met a man who had just been released from prison, younger than me, it was instant , I felt he was the love of my life, he committed another crime and after living together for 2 years we incarcerated again, sentenced to 15 years. Of course while we lived together i saw what I know now are red flags but ignored them because of the constant affection and the amazing way he made me feel. Not to mention the amazing sex life. After 8 years of him being on prison, he met a girl on a dating site, YES while in prison. I was never allowed to visit him during the 8 years because I was a former employee. Anyway I found out he was having her come to visit him and having a relationship with her. He said he was using her for financial purposes and to have visits. He won his appeal and was released in March on bond of this year, he came home, but said he had to go with her temporarily because she was going to pay his bond,10,000 dollars. He said he loved me but he had to do this for his freedom. Long story short, his bond was revoked, not because he violated, and he is awaiting a hearing from the court but he is still with her he says she is handling everything with his attorneys. She has bought him a car, fixed his credit,opened a business in both of their names, sends him money, bought him all kinds of clothes, got him a dog and a 1400 dollar book to study law when he comes home, oh and opened up a joint bank account for them. And I’m still questioning whether or not he is a sociopath?
My ex broke up with me in our aniversary said he wanted to focus on himself than 2 days later he was with someome else its been almost 2 months and they still together i am focusing on me but its hard not to think of how bad he hurt me 18 months and he trew me away like i was nothing after everything i did for him . The break up menthaly demage me because i cant trust anyone and the sould tie its really strong but i know its for the best and the problem is him not me
I was with a really aggressive guy for over 6 years and we have always had a dysfunctional realtionship. We had a 2 yr no contact on my part. He would try to msg me and come to my window. I gave him another shot in a moment of weakness and 1 yr later asked him to define the realtionship. Instead he dragged it on a couple months and when i asked him again. He pushed me away and told me its over. He never cared about me and that he met someone else and thathe can’t provide what i need. Im so confused because we’ve been practically living together for this past year. And its just he chased me for years how can things change for him in a few weeks. Im so heartbroken and i dont know how i can recover from this. Why would someone do this to someone who is so good to them..
I found out last night that the vamp is in a new relationship. Started about 7 days after we split up. I am shocked and numbed out. Weird thing is that she’s quite rough around the edges and not what I thought he would go for at all. I think he jumped into this asap cos he had lost his source of sex and energy supply (ie me). Think he just went for the first woman who came along. So he has done NO processing of the last 16 months we had together and is carrying so much anger and hatred straight into a new relationship. It will be a matter of time before the mask slips (if it hasn’t already) and she starts to go through what I went through. Its odd though as she herself looks dark and demonic like him. We attract into our lives whatever we “put out there”. I think he is vibrating at such a low level now that he has brought this person to him. She looks like she could be very much like him – they both seem to be surrounded by this cloud of blackness. Who knows maybe she is a bigger psycho screw-up than he is and she will kick his arse. Made me laugh as there was a picture of her – a close up of her head and neck and he wrote underneath it “can I sink my teeth in?” – spoken like the true energy sucking parasite that he is. I have started abuse counselling now and will get through this. Much love to all of you out there xxx
I was just discarded by my boyfriend of 4 years who said he wanted to focus on himself…now, less than two weeks later, it seems he has a new girl which is part of what led me to realize he is a sociopath. I have cut contact with him, but I feel like I should warn the new girl!! Is it best to leave it alone? I know if I warn her he will just spread lies about me to her, but I wish I had taken the warning from his ex when we started dating seriously!
No dont contact the new girlfriend. He is a liar remember. So he would have already told her that he left you as you were crazy and how he tried to help you. She wouldnt believe you. If anything it would only serve to strengthen their bond.
This is what i did to his new girl and he d it d exactly this, told her lies and called me obsessed. he even blocked me and told her to block me when i wasnt even making any contact. i pray he’s true colours eventually come out
Yep…. it is in their bible I believe. They have default settings and repeat the same thing over and over.
after blocking me on whatsapp i discovered 7 days later that he had unblocked me but i decided to not react to it, instead i kept minding my own business and posting funny memes and pictures of myself (which i rarely do) but ever since i decided to go no contact about 9 days ago, i am learning to embrace myself and appreciate myself. before i would usually post emotional pictures but no more👎 I think he has noticed my un bothered behaviour, as i nolonger throw shade by posting memes that shame such men. however, today i had an awesome day i got my college results and passed a test i thought i wouldnt i was so excited i shared my results online and my day got even better after my Bestfriend surprised me with presents. after this i noticed he blocked me again which i did not understand because i have not been trying to contact him anyway and I WILL NOT! i also noticed in the past that he really did not like it when i was out with my friends even if it was just us girls. i do not understand this behaviour as it has been almost two weeks of no contact. so why did he unblock me and then block me after? why cant he just delete my number instead?
ah, thank you! so, in a sense, my ex-sociopath regarded me like i regard a pair of jeans that i love. i wear them all the time, they make me look good, etc, but when they rip or don’t fit, or whatever, i discard them and go buy a new pair that now have my total attention. it makes sense, his attachment to me was so shallow and superficial no wonder he could just walk away after 6 months… he was probably already trying on “new jeans.” BUT, why make me fall in love with him? why create the cognitive dissonance, why dominate and destroy? Why…?
We are an energy source they feed off. To build us up creates us wanting them and loving them more. Then they can knock us down. Drain us. They may haves several sources. When they discard you they have already hooked up with the next victim. They bore easily and when they are through. They discard, but they may come back briefly just in case they need your energy some more.
You are absolutely correct.!! They will suck you dry of everything you feel. They will take and take and then act like you never existed to them. They will lie and use you for whatever their needs at the moment are.. then throw you away as soon as those needs are met..
You are right, the leave you like an empty shell.
My ex left me a year ago after five years together. He started seeig someone else two months later according to what he said. When i went no contact he hoovered me back saying how much he loved me and missed me. After getting intimate again he he
Did he do the same thing again?
I was dating a guy for about 4 years. We weren’t official but did everything as if we were. We even lived together for about 3 months when his home was being renovated. BIG mistake on my part. Anyway, 2 months ago he came to my house one night after work. We had a great time. Had some dinner, wine and a little “adult time”. The next morning he was acting weird as he left for work. While I was driving to work he texted me that he’s been talking to someone for the past 2 months and that he likes her a lot. I was heartbroken. She’s still around and he goes to visit her all the time in her hometown. He said to me that she makes him feel amazing and that he’s so happy with his life. Basically bragging about her. Said he liked me but was never in love. Is it not possible that he really is a different person? Is it not possible that he is really turning into a standup guy?
Every word of this is true, it’s unbelievable the way they follow such an identical pattern of behaviour. They will drop back to you randomly or when the new partner is destroyed.
The strangest thing is that they credit you for improving them, do say “you deserve to be happy” or “I miss you” whilst remodelling the new target.
Mine has recreated an identical relationship taking his new target to the same places as I took him, at the same time sending me our “romantic” photographs.
Really is an odd spooky experience, his friends must know but we the girlfriends take him at face value not knowing the repition & duplication of romantic gestures and gifts.
I have been dating a guy for over a year. He has always said from the beginning that he was not over his ex girlfriend but would say how much he liked me and how when we are out in public it really makes him feel uncomfortable for other men to admire me. One minute his obssed with me the next he just tells me we are just friends and it’s not going anywhere I’m already in love with him and I have told him but nothing is happening (his recently started to date this other girl) we had dinner last week
And he said he doesn’t know whether he wants to be Ina relationship with her either a bit like what he did to me. I’m very hurt because I can see we hang out less and less now which means his spending time With her her but I know deep down the best thing to do is to just cut him
Off completely. I’m so upset
I’m going through this myself… mindgames got worse when I started to put my foot down… I guess duped is a good way to describe it, although I wonder why its so hard not to feel hurt and I yearn for something I’ll never get: An explanation, respect. They only thing I’ll get which I know to be true… Is hurt and mind games.
Not sure if this is narcisstic or sociopath, but sounds like he is keeping a lot of supply. When you start falling in love, you aren’t a challenge any more. You have to set barriers, which I have to learn also.
They push their limits and if you don’t have barriers, they walk all over you and they don’t like weak and needy. But they don’t like others to be happy also.
Just set your barriers. Tell him you don’t like what he is doing. If he still continues to see other energy source, dump him. Not worth the heart ache. I know.
I was discarded and exn was married within 3 months. He was supposed to marry me. I loved him.
He put me through hell. So I shouldn’t have jealousy, but I do have a little. Disturbing to be jealous of someone who ripped your life apart.
Narcs, sociopaths, can’t be alone. They will have someone else lined up before they discard you.
Can a sociopath change? I mean he cries, sees a counselor & psychiatrist. He has had many relationships always one after the other but he said he’s finally ready to get married to the “one.” He def fits the profile for a psychopath actually. Has he changed? Please help?
My fiance and I kept on getting into fights all of the time. We were close to breaking up a few times. I knew that we needed something to stay together because he was pulling away from me day by day. Dr Baba really helped us stay together and become a closer couple. He did a love binding spell that worked perfectly! He started making more of an effort to talk to me about how he was feeling which helped us work through our problems so much better. My fiance tends to shut down whenever there is conflict and this spell helped him communicate with me. I can also tell that he is more attracted to me because he keeps sending me flowers at work and is always trying to touch me in some way. It’s actually really nice and I am very grateful to Dr Baba and his temple at email@example.com for all that he have done for me.
I am so grateful to have found your website and find all the answers I need after having been victim to a sociopath. I realized I am more naive to the motivations of people who are broken. I had an express relationship encounter with this sociopath and he was soo mean and hurtful. I told him I hate people who lie to me and that is why I am broken, and he ended things with me by accusing me of lying and cheating on him. When 2 days later I see a post on his Instagram of him with the girl I questioned him about being his gf showing up from Costa Rica to meet him for the first time. We were only together for a month but the betray on my trust has been so damaging on top of what my year has been after ending a 3 year relationship with a narcissist. I will be writing a blog about my experience and I would love to cite your page as a source that has given me a lot of understanding and has helped me realize I am not the problem and to not victimize myself but to feel compassion for him that he is so broken. I will share with you once I post. It probably won’t be until the new year as I am taking some time to figure the direction and build up some banked content for my blog.
Divorce is power play, holding it back, dragging it out or the sudden willingness is all designed to inconvience your peace.
It’s good to pretend you are not too bothered, that provokes a Sociopath to do the opposite, they always do the thing you don’t want.
They will never disappear from your life, indifference is the way forward, this indifference confuses them it’s a loss of control (self control).
The mixture of ‘I want you back’ ‘I’ve changed’ ‘I hate you’ ‘I love you’ are all to provoke reactions, do not react immediately, respond in brief polite scentences wihich demonstrate indifference.
They just like to see you display emotions. They feed off of those emotions. When you give them nothing, this really is annoying for them.
Yes just another way to control …. I am putting my divorce in God’s hands. However He removes this MONSTER, that DEMON SPAWN from out of my life is OK with me. I know it will be God’s perfect will when and how. Meanwhile I am focusing on me. My husband can’t touch me. I blocked all calls. He can text and email and I may respond to one here and there, but I put that foul spirit in check. Once I am done with him he shuts down for some days, even weeks sometimes and he always pops back up like some sick jack in the box. I cut him down like tall grass being cut after a good rain. Oh how sweet the smell!! He be beside himself, I mean literally done with me. I He’ll be so mad because he CAN’T win with me he will start calling me names, he tries to hurt my feelings, put me down etc. (Which never works BTW), it’s hilarious!! I go hard in the paint on his behind. Sometime I just wonder why he even comes at me with the same old craziness, knowing I am not buying one word. Seriously I give that devil the beat down with the truth! I am seriously at a point where I actually feel sorry for him because that is just how pathetic he is. I just hope he finds another source and will want to marry her. Then he will want to go run and get the divorce himself. But because of the whole control issue I just don’t know. Because he can find another vic and start gaming her, but try to keep me in bondage to the divorce, just for control purposes only. At some point he will mess up big time, he always do. Who knows how it will in the end, but I trust that God will work it ALL for my good and to my advantage. Meanwhile I am enjoying a new life. I have moved to another state, new job, with a fresh start and a new lease on life and lovin it and myself to LIFE! If God has my “real” husband out here in the near future I know HE will remove that counterfeit for good, I probably won’t have to do much. I am just moving foward while God is working behind the scenes doing what only He can do. Nothing is too hard for my God!!! Nothing …not even a Sociopath.😉 I hope all those out there who are hurting will soon come to realize that a Sociopath is weak , they are really weak individuals. You are the strong one, you are the winner; who deserves the best! He will forever be the loser that he is, all the days of his life . Move on be free and enjoy your life.. Take that control back and let it catapult you forward into all greatness. Be blessed!
I am currently in the midst of separation and going no contact with my ex husband of 27years. He has had an on/off affair with a woman we have both known since she was a child. She is characteristically very like him. He was an abuser and I’m very sure now, a very disordered individual. I know that my life will be so much better without him but I spend so many hours ruminating over their affair and I truly believe he is addicted to her. I have been really unwell with all the abuse that he has put me through particularly over the last couple of years having her in tow. Devalue, discard and the cycle went on and on. I just have this intense pain thinking that he has turned into a good man. Right now this hurts like hell. Thanks in advance xx
How about if he did change? Or he claims to you that he is happy now and is finally being a better guy. My ex treated me terribly. I constantly gave and gave and he ruined us because he kept out reaching to his past. I broke up with him as he pu in no effort, never drove to see me, never took me out and kept pushing me away leading me to believe he didn’t care. One day after the break up he turned to his past, slept with her, was back on the single dating app life as if our relationship mattered none at all. He kept contacting me to “try” but showed no actions to rebuild as I had asked. Did this for months while taking out other girls yet claiming to want a future and a marriage with me. I kept asking for him to prove himself and prove he is deserving of a chance and he would manipulative tell me “let’s just start fresh”. He got fed up I assumed, flipped it on me and now is in a new relationship…two weeks after asking to start fresh. Insert kick to the stomach which I shouldn’t feel because I knew his words were false, but a part of me was naive to believe maybe he wasn’t lying about wanting a part of me? Like I had begged during us why he was hung up on his past, messaging her through out os even explaining he would break up with me for her…he constantly was out reaching the past during us. Now he is committed to this new girl…he hasn’t out reached which I admit (albiet, I was deserving of it). I angrily messaged him after my closure email (as he decided to go ghost instead of giving me a proper closure face to face as he had given his past and never me…) he belittled me told me to move on, its unhealthy, hopes I find happiness eventually. I told him not to come back to me if it doesn’t work out and he proudly exclaimed how he never will and laughed smugly. He said “It is going to last, it is serious, we can’t speak out of respect to her”. I had him blocked and then I lapsed to express my need of closure. He turned it around and one upped me in every way possible to hurt me, to be the one on top and to throw in: “you had your chance, I am happy”. MEANWHILE, he was the one who BROKE us for HIS past while I was faithful, giving, forgiving, did everything for him and then some. He was my first partner and I wasn’t his by a landslide. I just feel lost, and frustrated. What if he did change this time? What if I built him up? How is it fair he is over me and moved on and belittling me while I feel at a standstill over someone who doesn’t even deserve this energy….
He can’t change wonderwoman 😦 If he changes its only to lure you in to get something from you.
I know he hasn’t changed for me. But he seemingly changed for someone else. I don’t understand why he completely disregarded me. He gave closure to his past. Kept going back to her. Dated me for 1.5 years and didn’t need closure from me but kept “asking for me back” but didn’t want to put in the work. I just don’t understand. 7 months of bare minimum effort post break up. And now he found the one. No closure needed. He didn’t care what he did. But he ALWAYS cared what he had done to his past. Always felt guilt and remourse for others and not me. I don’t get it.
Have just read this and I can’t actually believe how it could have been me writing this. It’s almost exact. The question I asked myself constantly, “why doesn’t he just leave us alone?”. Why doesn’t he just move on and I totally get that whole, “need for closure”. While educating myself on psychopaths it is a behaviour that all victims of this kind of abuse seem to display. Much love to you, try to stay strong and make your own closure, something I am trying so hard to do. My life was a lie and I’m trying to find acceptance on this xxx
Mine moved on to someone new, told me his life had “changed completely,” so I said fine – I don’t compete with other women for a man’s attention. I’m out. I figured he’d moved on to his new, fulfilled happy life. Not two weeks later he messaged me on a dating site, told me he was looking for me and tried to engage me in conversation. Lesson: don’t believe a word of the “I’ve changed, I’m happy” bs. Ironically, the fact that he messaged me gave me some closure because now I know he’s on a dating site! Why, if his life suddenly changed? Had that not happened, I too would be feeling like somehow I wasn’t good enough. Not true. Well, not entirely true. I still don’t understand the whole discard thing completely – the whys of it – but I don’t feel that he’s suddenly gotten his shit together either. In fact I imagine he’s lonelier than ever.
Looks like he is, otherwise he wouldn’t be emailing you. It would be over, right? I’m not an expert but from what I understand and have experienced, they don’t start and end things. Everything is always in a constant state of flux. My guess is that he is trying to keep you on the back burner just in case. But you don’t want that, so it’s best that you are rid of him.
I feel depressed. My ex bf broke up with me about 18 months ago. He said he was scared of commitment and he ddnt want to waste my time because he doesn’t think he would ever get married. I was hurt, I moved on. Then he came back after a year…saying I made him a Better person..and he wanted to try again. I was still thinking of giving him a chance…when he came back and said he just wanted to remain friends. I was sad…but I told him to leave me alone, that i needed to move on. Now, I heard he is dating someone new and he flaunts her everywhere. I’m hurt not because I want him back but I feel like I should be the happy one….and why did he lie? He said he ddnt want to be in a relationship again and now he is dating someone..who makes him happy. Life is so unfair
Hi Tracy. I am sorry to hear things didn’t work out with him. Unfortunately we don’t know why some people behave the way they do. You can’t control his actions but you can control how you respond to his actions. My impression but what you said so far is that he doesn’t want lose control of you. He doesn’t love you. Stsy away. Work on finding friends and hobbies that you like. Block him. Get rid of everything he gave you, pictures etc. Grieve the end of the relationship. You are free. And when you become stronger and ready you might be surprised to find out there are plenty of nice man in this world. And who knows…. But in order to do that you need to stop giving him the power to manipulate you. Let him go for good. He is not the man for you. You deserve sooo much better
As much as I hate to read about other women in pain, it helps to know I am not alone. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years. We lived together for 1 of those two years with his 6 year old daughter. We lived in my house, in which I changed my spare room into his daughter’s princess room. Anyways, we were talking about getting married and all that usual ‘good stuff.’ His daughter and I were very close. Things were really great the first year. But after he moved into my house (during the second year), he began to complain about everything…like nothing was good enough. I couldn’t understand it. Things began to unravel towards the end. He started acting very moody and was snapping at me a lot. He even told me I was boring. I have been called a lot of things but boring sure as hell has never been one of them! I asked him to go to counseling for months with no luck. Then one day his laptop was open and I looked at his text messages. There was correspondence with an un-programmed number in which the word ‘babe’ and ‘meeting up’ and ‘send me a picture’ were involved. I confronted him and he said it was a wrong number and he just played along with it even though he knows it was wrong. So I told him to text that number with a simple message to see how she would respond to prove it. He called me an insecure bitch. Yep, I was the one in the wrong…funny how that works huh? He then in an angry rage he told me he was breaking up with me. So I said ‘fine’ and started packing his shit. Anyways about 6 weeks later as he was still in the process of moving out of my house, I stupidly asked him to go to counseling again. Ya, I was that dumb girl still holding on and trying to work things out. At first he said he needed his space. Then a couple weeks later he told me that he thought we were making a mistake and that he too wanted to work things out. Well for one week we were talking like normal again, and I was under the impression we were on the road to getting back on track. I thought the man had finally come to his senses. Then out of the blue he sent me a text saying, “I changed my mind, I am moving on and think you should too.” And then he ignored me from that moment on. And that was how a 2 year relationship ended with a man I lived with (with his kid), whom I was looking at wedding rings with and discussing getting married…with a text message. A few weeks later I found out he had started dating someone else, which started as he was still moving his stuff out of my house. He is now dating a girl who takes selfies of herself in her underwear and posts them on her public (non-private) social media accounts. Wow. I am a 37 professional woman with a high power job, and consider myself to be attractive (although at this point I feel like a pile of shit). I know I shouldn’t compare myself to this new girl, but it is kind of hard not to. I am a size 6, super curvy woman. She is like a size zero stick figure that over-tans and makes the ‘duck face’ in her half naked photos. WTF! It is just mind-blowing. My entire family and friends were shocked as well. It is like he is a different person. I talked to him one time since this went down where he thanked me for our time together, told me this new girl is a better match for him, and told me he wants me to move on because I deserve to be happy. I am trying to not be bitter but I feel pretty disoriented by all of this. It has been a few months now so I can see a little more clearly as my shock wears off…it seems he became bored of me once the monotony of daily life kicked in and the ‘party/hot phase’ ended. I feel like a fool for everything I did for him. Our lives were totally intertwined and then one day he just started acting strange and it all exploded. I regret trying so hard to work it out with him in the end after how he was treating me. Sad to admit, yet after all this I still wonder if he is happier with this new girl…and sad he left me. I wonder when I will get over all of this. If I have any advice to give at this moment to other women going through something similar, it is to hold your respect for yourself high (much higher than I did) and stay strong. It feels bad enough getting treated like this by someone you love (and thought loved you), but even worse to feel like a fool for trying to work things out with a man who doesn’t respect or appreciate you. Stay strong ladies.
Hi MJ no you are certainly not alone!
Here is a truth I have found over and over. You are who you are who you are in life, in every area of your life. These guys……….they aren’t suddenly better or nicer or happier with someone else. It is not possible for them to be. Eventually, their behavior will be the same with this new person as it was with you. Because their behavior is inherent in their personality. They are hard wired like this.
The guy I was with on again, off again, for three years? I found out had another girlfriend in another city who he shacked up with when he wanted a bed, free food, and free laundry. She was his “Main GF” and I found out he was also playing with two other women, one we worked with, and another one he had worked with previously. I gained access to his email at one time and saw emails between all of them.
The main gf? He kept her hanging on by treating her like she could do nothing right and that he was doing her a favor by being with her. She would offer to make dinner for him that weekend and he would turn that into a fight and turn things around so that he looked like the victim and her offering to make dinner was an insult. (He was really good at that. I could see her email responses……like, what just happened????? How did me offering to make you dinner turn into a fight and I’m the bad guy?)
The woman we both worked with? He’d shut her down if she tried to get too close, refuse to answer her if she asked specific questions, and even insult her in any way he could find. She eventually found someone else and moved on. Which led him to email her sweet emails again, seeing how she was doing, and when she answered, same mean behavior. Shut her down and insult her.
The woman he used to work with……….she was the only one he was nice to. Because she wanted nothing to do with him anymore. She is also married, always has been, and I found he stays very close to her social circle……probably to keep her on her toes, afraid her husband might find out.
He essentially treats/treated all of us the same. Be really nice, then when we are hooked, turn into Mr. Nasty-Insulting-Put-Upon-we-can-do-nothing-right. ALL of us. He treated exactly the same way.
When I found out he had a gf in the other city, my mind went to, he’s probably really good to her and does things for her, etc etc etc. But I found out first hand, he isn’t good to her. He treats her worst of all. And he’s been cheating on her since the day they got together, with any woman he could find to cheat with.
I’m out now. Six months NC. (a few slips, but nothing major). And it hurts and its a process. But there is one thing i KNOW for 1000%. He’s not treated other women better than he treated me. He treats us all the same.
Nikki is right when she says, it doesn’t matter what you look like, how much you did for him, how great you are. He only is in it with a woman when he can get what he wants out of it.
The “Main GF” my guy was/is with? She is not attractive, successful, overly intelligent, or anything outstanding. But she puts up with his abuse and has the most to offer him out of all four of us…………a place to stay when he feels like it, food, laundry facilities, and no questions asked. The rest of us wanted more.
He ultimately chose to stay with the woman who caused him the least trouble, who he could use and get the most out of. Simple as that.
This one is hard, especially if your sociopath was “good” to you like mine was. We co-created a fantasy of love and he played the part, mostly, mask slipping only a few times while we were together. Then right before Christmas he dumped me and moved on a few weeks later.
This was a man who was daily planning a life with me. Who’d told me, his friends and even friends of mine he’d never even met, that all other relationships he’d been in were preparation for being with me. I paid for counseling for a month believing he’d return, given all that he’d said, and he refused to go, blaming me for the breakup, calling me names, and playing victim.
Come to find out, two months out from our breakup, he’d slept with nearly 30 people. This is the same man who’d claimed that he couldn’t have sex with anyone unless he had a strong emotional connection(mirroring my position). Furthermore, a few of these people were men he’d met on Grindr, although he’d told me he was 100% straight just a few months before. Sex was unprotected. I was convinced that he was on a death trip due to the loss of our relationship, but I soon found out that he was using his “depression mask” not as a genuine expression of pain, but to lure others, including his current GF.
He never even mentioned her to me(red flag for her), although we talked for hours each day. One day he told me out of the blue that he had a new GF. We’d just gone out together two weeks prior and he spoiled me with a full day’s of activities and food; he’d just finished expressing how much he loved me. I thought we’d made enormous progress months after our break up, but he was deceiving me the whole time.
A few months later he posted online that the current GF was who he’d been searching for his whole life. I was devastated. He’d been actively seducing me for the first two months of their relationship, but then suddenly text me a photo of the two of them together in the same restaurant and booth we visited time again. Then he blocked me and said I was only his friend or nothing to him. Two months later he unblocked me when I was seeing someone else-someone who was incredible in every way. Still not fully appreciating how empty and callous my sociopath was, I let him back in and agreed to be friends. He was still with the GF. It took him no less than a month before he was sending me text to say I was “perfect for him”, that he was “still in love with me”, and his feelings never changed.
Long story shorter, he played this game for half the year while also breaking up and getting back together with the GF dozens of times, but never making any actual moves to be with me. It killed me to see that he kept trying with her but only gave us one chance until I caught on to his horrific pattern:
The only other LT relationship he’s been in was with his exW whom he pimped out for sex with other men and beat multiple times. He said she was “perfect” for him. He dogged and manipulated her for years, but they looked like the perfectcouple online. Everyone was envious of them. He divorced her on a whim when he found another woman and she struggled to juggle all the new sexual partners he coerced her to have.
The woman he left his exW for was strong and bold in ways he was unaware, and when he cheated on HER just months after leaving his exW, he ran from the demands she made for his honesty and integrity. He blamed her for holding him accountable. The next woman was a friend of his exWs he’d been seducing while he was still married. She too was “perfect” for him until he realized he couldn’t control her, so he slammed her against walls, beat her and lied about other women. She never looked back.
In conversations he began opening up to me about the current GF and come to find out, he’s been sleeping with other men and women the entire relationship because she allows it, but has arranged threesomes and orgies and then left her out of them as she lay drunk in bed. He’s lied to her about other women even though they’ve had an open relationship and has at least been trying to seduce me and tell us both we’re perfect for him. They’ve broken up countless times because he keeps violating her boundaries, but he told me that she’s willing to learn from him which is why he stays. In other words, he can control her and the nightmare he’s creating behind the scenes all the while appearing happy and well adjusted in pictures. Perfect mask of sanity.
The firm boundaries I set during our relationship deterred him from egregious acts. He could not adequately manipulate or control me to his aims even when I was deeply in love and he was far too weak in character to keep playing a game with an equal partner.
So do not be jealous of the new victim, feel sad or even scared for them. Sociopaths do not want an equal partner, they want someone who will play their game with them and not reveal too much of the subsequent pain to the outside world.
You do not want to be “perfect” for a disordered person who cannot love. Build a strong social network, good character, high self esteem, and fall in love with yourself. You won’t need a mirror anymore, you won’t need the sociopath. All the world is a stage for them. Their smiles and happiness are fleeting illusions hiding a fragmented self. He lacks the integrity and the organization of mind to live up to the things he’d said for any functional length of time. Love yourself and necessarily, you will let him go.
you know what i’m envious of? how he gets to go on and eat and drink and carry on his vices all happy while i’m here struggling to eat…
i knew he was always perverted, but he reasoned it saying he was only so with me.
upon learning the truth from his ex, and the nature of sociopaths, i was most likely cheated on for the first time in any of my relationships – this hurts because i felt like i was adequate- he was by my side 5 nights a week…
this charmer is also quite the showstopper with his boyish looks, so he’ll be bedding tons and tons of women, getting pleasure upon pleasure with no justice in sight while i suffer….