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During a time, when he had deluded me, that he had ‘changed’ haha… they ‘can’t’ change, and neither would they want to either. I removed my own story. I had checked my email, and found this written to an author on another site in early July 2012. At that time I had known him seven months. I would know him in total for four years, before he finally took off and left my city. I copy the email here, hopefully it gives you an outline, this is what it is like to date a sociopath. Here was my story as at July 2012.

Hi Kerry,

I think i might have been dating a sociopath. Who has financially ruined me.
At the end of last year, i met a guy. He lied from day 1. he made up a totally different persona. He was charming. He he was funny. He was almost too perfect.
He told me he had a 45k a year job, and would move in with me paying 3 months in advance. He told me he was going to buy an alfa romeo car. It was all designed to give the illusion that he had money. Of course when i first met him, he had forgotten his bank card, then he didnt bring enough money. Of course i was paying.
He moved into my house, told me that he had only had 2 relationships in the past. One was a psycho violent person, the other was an amazing relationship. He had been with her for 13 years, they only split because she had cheated on him. He said they had split 6 years ago, and he had a 7 year old little girl who he had every other weekend, and every other christmas. But not this christmas, she was in the dominican republic with her mum. he would even have fake calls every other day to his little girl.
He was almost too nice. My mum said that he sounded like he was telling me what i wanted to hear. I knew that something wasnt right. I challenged him. This relationship he did have things in common with me which were REAL, and those things were real because there was evidence lots of before i had met him.

He came from another city so it was easy to pass off why he had no friends or family in his background. Something wasnt right, he was almost just too nice.

After more than a month living with me, and saying that his work werent getting back to him – he confessed that he didnt have a job, i said he had to get one. So he told me that he had got this job. It was amazing. He got headhunted at the interview. He was line managing 60 people, he could earn more than 100k a year. Of course then came the illnesses so he couldnt attend work, but he had to work a month in hand so i paid for him until he was paid.
During that time he said that his daughters mother had become seriously ill with cancer. There were fake phone calls (set up with an alarm to his phone), this was a big deal because in jan 2010 my daughter had died at full term pregnancy. I was still recovering and couldnt have any more children. I prepared the house for her to come. He told me that she had 2 days to live that his little girl was living with her friend and her mum. it sounded awful. He went to great lengths to deceive me. I gave him money to return home to collect his daughter. He was meant to go with two suitcases empty and bring her and her things back. We had already been through where her uncle mark was going to bring her, i cleaned the hosue from top to bottom. At the last minute he couldnt come because they were around her death bed.
He left to pick up his daughter, i was out, when i returned home there were notes he had left. I couldnt believe it, he was about to be paid, i had sunk into rent arrears and debt whilst i temporarily helped him. Just packed all his things and gone. Then he said that his sisters twin had taken his daughter and he returned. There were fake calls to solicitors whilst he tried to arrange access to his daughter. I was waiting for him to be paid. I needed the money desperately. Except when he was meant to be paid he created a diversion shouting and screaming he was having  a breakdown. He needed to have some space. he walked out with suitcases calling the police, threatening me.
I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. He wouldnt answer his phone said he was in his daughters home city trying to arrange access.
Meanwhile i received two emails from his last ex girlfriend, and his last housemate. THey said that he was a compulsive liar and a thief and to watch out. His last girlfriend had been left in thousands of debt and had lost her home. He owed his ex housemate 500 and again had just left. I was left with just 5 and was starving i couldnt understand what had happened to my money they told me to check my account. He had withdrawn 350 over two days. I was stunned. Earlier my bank card had gone missing i had been sent another with a new pin.
He then told me he felt awful, how much he loved me. That his grandfather had given him 1000 and he wanted to repay me. He was coming then he didnt. So i decided to go there. He was living in a hovel. Of course there was no money, it was a lie. He confessed he lied. He said that he had spent his life telling lies, and wanted to tell me the truth. HE didnt want to lose me. So he told me that his ex hadnt been dying of cancer, he hadnt seen his little girl in almost 2 years. He said he was tired of living this life, the things that we had were real. He wanted to come back, work hard and pay back money that was owed.
Of course, I was by now so in debt, that i wanted this. I also loved him. After all we got on so well. Had so much in common. He told me he had a job interview lined up and was sure that he would get the job. He ate interviews. So i allowed him to come back. But there was no job interview. I went mad. He got a job, but he didnt get paid, he didnt complete the training. Then there was another job, again he didnt get paid, he said that wages would go into my bank account. But they didnt. again and again and again. Meanwhile i was by now borrowing money from high interest rate lenders, on the promise of his salary that was going into my bank account. My car had become illegal i couldnt afford to get it fixed. I had taken so much time off work, that they wouldnt allow me back, and i was now on half pay, Because of his behaviour my lodger had left. When i said i felt so awful i felt like dying, he called police, who kicked my door in, so i had no letterbox and a smashed in front door for more than 2 months so couldnt get another lodger. I wanted what he said to be true.
I spoke to the mother of his daughter who said that he couldnt see his daughter. He was a compulsive liar. If he wanted to see her it had to be through a contact centre.
He was meant to be at work, and i got a call, saying he had a surprise. Could i pick him up. He had awful teeth, and had just had his teeth done, he wanted me to pick him up from the dentist with a brand new set of teeth. I was stunned. he would get up at 6am every day, to go to work for 7.30am returning at 5pm. Again he said that there were problems with wages. I bought him a bike, and we went camping, all on the promise of wages that would go into my bank account.
Last week i was devastated when he said he had been laid off, i had checked my account again no salary had gone in. He had lived off me for another 2 months. No real job. No salary. I had borrowed money and was so in debt my home was at risk. He stole my ipod with 16gig worth of music. My mobile phone, and worst of all, an expensive watch i had bought in memory of my dead daughter. Noticing this, i hid his laptop. I knew that had just as personal things for him. He called the police on me. Again…
Fortunately the police could see through him. Took his house keys, kicked him out, and said tough about his bike and laptop he had my things i had his… he was thrown onto the streets and was street homeless. He lived like this for a week, and got given a flat. He told me he had my things that he would return them yesterday. He didnt, there were more excuses. I said i wanted to see his place. He was reluctant. I did eventually see his place. he said he didnt have key to the living room landlord forgot to give to him, i said i knew that was a lie. he said he didnt have his suitcases. i said i knew that was a lie that he had his case locked in the room. He admitted it, and i knew then that he had sold my possessions for cash.
HE doesnt have drug addiction problems. But this is what i have been going through i have been left financially ruined. Do you think that he is a sociopath? He sounds very much like it, he was so charming, a compulsive liar, and stole my things. Always told people what they wanted to hear and it seems that he has got off on financially ruining me.
Nikki
Please share your story!

 

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4,465 thoughts on “Share your story

  1. The condom thing. So weird. I once said to him you’re a financier and you don’t have condoms?? He broke with reality on another occasion and got angry at me because I insisted. It wasn’t about intimacy and trust. It was about his masculinity. This was before I knew he was married. Imagine not using condoms and going back to your partner of decades with whom you have 3 daughters. I just can’t get beyond that…Look, I don’t know that they are back together. I don’t think they are. But again that’s not the point. The point is as a feminist I think I have an obligation to call out this sort of behavior. I’m just giving him a chance and a warning.

    1. Sleep on it before you fan the flames. 🙂

      If you’re dealing with an actual sociopath this won’t end well for you, I’m afraid.

      Promise to sleep on it at the very least. I promise tomorrow you can do whatever you want. Today – no.

      Sleep on it. 🙂
      xx

      1. Thank you all for sharing your comments. I am dealing with a difficult aftermath of a sociopath. Can anyone please tell me how i can post my story on this website? I am a bit confused on how to do so thank you.

  2. Yes but I can smear campaign him too, and worse because he is married and I am not. Worse because his kids and wife (or ex or whatever – they don’t live together but he said they were divorced and they’re not) share his last name and mine do not. Worse because I have nude pictures of him and he doesn’t have nude pictures of me.

    Anyway Stephen, I just read your story. Sorry I missed it earlier. I didn’t realize there were new people around. Thanks for jumping in and commenting. I have my doubts because I haven’t seen him since I landed on covert cerebral narcissist, but when I found Sam Vaknin’s work I discovered that he ticks every single box from hoovering to triangulation to using sex as a punishment and addicted to internet porn. It’s all there. Scarily so. So yes it completely horrified me – not just because of what I thought I knew about him but also because of what I wanted when I met him (a fling). I went through something like this before – 18 years ago.

      1. Happened to me with the first one. I got pregnant. I then had a miscarriage because a doctor thought I had an intestinal infection and gave me antibiotics that killed the fetus.

    1. I actually think it’s a control thing – it’s abusive to resist using a condom when the partner wants to. I think I’ll tell him that I’ll let it go when I have proof that he is seeing a psychiatrist.

  3. Reading wrong. That I would let the whole thing go – the dilemma about whether to tell his wife – when I have proof he is seeing a psychiatrist.

  4. I did all that and more over a year ago. I think that stuff kinda turns him on. That’s when I really knew he was crazy!!! The gay dating site ( with pics and I had messaged a guy and set up a date) pissed him off royally but 3 weeks later he was asking to see me. Smh!!

    1. LOL! Sorry but the whole thing is just so absurd. And here I am spending all this time on it. But at least I don’t have to work today. Might as well deal with HIM.

  5. Oh no!!! It just happens like that sometimes… don’t let it consume you. Go do something that you like or go talk about it with a good girlfriend.

    1. Most of my friends only understand the stalker bit. Sorry to be taking up so much of this board today and thank you all for being here. In the end, I did nothing. I think I’m stressed about other things and am distracting myself. It would be more helpful to be consumed with things that I need to do. Tomorrow will be a better day!

  6. Please don’t apologize… this is what we’re all here for… to support and get support and understanding. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!! It will get better.

  7. I’m actually struggling with a moral dilemma here. Ironically, it’s in defense of sociopaths, though they’d never understand. Perhaps by saying this I’m just giving them more information to mimic and throw off the scent.

    But I do feel for sociopaths. They didn’t choose to be this way, and sometimes it’s a result of abuse during their formative years. They never learned love and affection and instead learned (from perhaps a psychopathic parent, as was the case with my ex) that control and manipulation was the norm for relationships. These would be what I’ve heard of as ‘Type 2’, the charming and charismatic, as opposed to the brash grandiose (Donald Trump, for example) and directly destructive. My ex possibly doesn’t know how madness-inducing her behavior is. She’s in her early 20s.

    Perhaps some won’t even realise they’re sociopaths until much later in life, all the while believing they keep attracting bad luck or crazy people, wondering why their relationships aren’t working out – pushing away friends and exes thinking “it’s for the best that I don’t have this toxic person in my life”, when we see that as being discarded.

    But the world is terrifying enough as it is without having to go through it without feeling any sense of connection or belonging with other humans. Without experiencing the love of a friend or a partner – that warm safe haven. Though I guess this doesn’t bother her, and she probably pities me for having my progress in life retarded by my emotions.

    But I’d almost like to extend a hand to her. I know this world is strange and difficult. I know you must feel alone and often misunderstood. I know you get demonized by the masses – called vampires and monsters – and that must be awful to always be on edge and having to hide yourself, sometimes not even understanding what’s going on within your own world. To be fair, we have to demonise you – it’s our way of surviving the trauma you cause. It’s our survival mechanism just as much as your survival mechanism is to destroy us and watch us self-destruct and implode before your eyes, hardly batting an eyelid at the sight.

    For so many reasons, I wish you didn’t exist. However, there are certain people in the world who wish certain types of people exist, and we condemn them for their prejudice. (#notallsociopaths, right?i wish). Still, I can learn from you, and I have chosen to do so (though the path has been excruciating and expensive on all fronts). You are here in this world and I guess you have just as much right to be here as me, and a right to be happy – whatever it is that you call being ‘happy.’ It just really sucks that your happiness is often linked to someone else’s misery.

    So I hope my ex has a moment of self-reflection someday, and decides she wants some stability. Though I doubt that’s possible. I still believe that she’s low-functioning and deep down really wants what she’s “supposed” to have, as dictated by society. A long-term, loving relationship.

    In the meantime, I’m so tempted to extend a hand and say to her: I know this world is scary, and you’ll be chased from town to town for the rest of your life for being the demon that you are. But feel free to drift in and out of my life from time to time, when you need validation, to feel wanted and needed, to feel safe. I have empathy to spare. Suck on my soul a while, little vampire. You’re still finding your way, and I truly feel for you, though you will probably never speak to me again.

    xx

  8. Think about it, when we ask “what’s it like being a sociopath and are they self-aware?” …. well, an unaware sociopath wouldn’t answer those questions would they – believing they’re a regular human being.

    So how can we say definitively that they don’t exist? Or what life might be like for the confused sociopath who is yet to discover their true nature?

    1. I can find it in my heart to see the humanity in mine too, and I’ve also learned from him. The other day I had a revelation that I had experienced another dimension of being and it gave me a weirdly euphoric high ;-). I have been through something that most people have not. We all have. That’s why we’re in this club. Part of me can definitely appreciate it.

      Narcs have an authentic self and a false one. I even told mine once – way before I was aware of all of this – that he seemed like two different people – that he had a facade. I was really puzzled. I liked the authentic self much more than the false one, but I got more and more of the false one. I don’t know whether he is self-aware or not but if you offer a hand, say you’ll be there, pierce the armor, give them love and affection, they will discard you anyway. And let me add that they will suck it all up while doing so. What I thought was closeness was simply more supply for him. All the while he would tell me how perceptive I was, and I am.

      Towards the end, when I was getting warmer and began to suspect everything from Asperger’s to multiple personality disorder to an internet porn addiction, though I didn’t say anything directly, mine had a clear break with reality, which he acknowledged, along with his first and only narc rage (scared me). He then pushed me away and moved on. He had revealed too much. They don’t want to be self-aware because most of them are actually quite content, as long as their false self remains intact.

      But then mine is a very high functioning financier (classic – he couldn’t do what he does without being a psychopath) and middle-aged. He’s had a long-term stable relationship – decades, 3 kids. He’s a very responsible father. That’s one of the reasons I thought he was “safe.” Haha. I am more unstable that way than he is yet he is way more insane than I am. Yours might be quite capable of finding a long-term stable relationship, but that’s what’s called “secondary supply,” at least in narc speak.

      Have you come across Sam Vaknin (Malignant Self Love)? I suspect you would find him quite fascinating even if his work doesn’t explain your ex 100%. I recommend him to everyone because when I found him, it all suddenly fell into place – made perfect sense. It’s all on the internet.

  9. I know but don’t stop being who you are because some disordered people can’t appreciate it. I’m a very kind, loving and compassionate person myself, I won’t change who I am… I’ll just be careful in the future to who I give all that to.

  10. Just realising I’m the lethal combination of overthinking and overanalyzing everything, and trusting my heart over my head. Descending into madness as I try to make sense of everything.

    I think this is what it would feel like to be unplugged from The Matrix. Seeing a gritty reality I was completely unaware of, and majority of the population can’t comprehend what I’ve experienced, and lucky for them, they never will.

    1. I kind of value that unplugged from the Matrix experience. I feel that it helps me to understand the world more clearly. But that’s just me. Hope you are doing better.

  11. I and many other women have been extreme abuse victims to one of the worst kind of people possible: A A highly trained and educated Psychologist who is clearly a sociopath. Myself and many other of his victims are speaking out about the harrowing experiences with this man.
    Before anyone panics: I have spoken to my attorney and I know my rights regarding mentioning the abuser’s name. Since it is TRUTHFUL it is legal to post anywhere on the internet or tell anyone. The most harrowing abuse one can receive is by a Psychologist as I and many others who have been victimized by Dr. Gary Dumais can attest to. And there are many of us and we have spoken together about the horrors that this man has done to us.
    Dr. Gary Dumais has a very long history of ALL forms of abuse on the women he has preyed on. And by far the Emotional and Psychological Abuse was the most cruel. Although he has hit me and others (and raped others), by far the emotional and psychological abuse was the worst since he knew exactly what to do. Two of his other victims agreed with me on that fully too. Dr. Gary Dumais LOVES to verbally emotionally,psychically, sexually and psychologically abuse women.As a huge misogynist and vicious sadist, he genuinely
    enjoys dishing out the abuse and gets off on it sexually and mentally. I could see the look in his eyes!
    And being a trained psychologist, he is very very,very good at the psychological abuse.
    Yes, that is how he uses his training and psychology education. To abuse and hurt people because he gets off on it. Many of us even witnessed him abuse his now deceased cat.
    Like most sociopaths, Dumais wears a good fake mask in the beginning.He seems normal, professional, decent and even charming. Like Ted Bundy did.
    Do not be fooled by that facade. He uses his psychological training and education to fabricate that facade which eventually wears off.
    And like other sociopaths, he has no moral compass and is never held accountable for his terrible actions or even acknowledges them. No remorse at all.
    He is a pathological liar and master manipulator. Dumais would systematically break me down (and other his other victims) with constant abuse beating me into a depression and then tell me that ” I needed him” and that “he would fix me” and that I “needed his help and expertise”.
    He would exploit very painful parts of our pasts and use it to his advantage and turn it against us. He would make us think we deserved the abuse. The insults, the berating, the degradation, the humiliation-It was OUR fault! Always “Blame the Victim” with Dumais. It was always our fault.We always deserved it.
    Dumais knew I occasionally suffered from depression and he would intentionally exacerbate it by abusing me more, telling me I was useless, worthless etc and then would tell me that I should kill myself.
    And yes, this is coming from someone who works in the mental health industry!
    His raging alcoholism is frightening. He’d go through 21 bottles of red wine a week, and a whole bottle of Patron and a handle of Jack a week. He can’t go three days without drinking.
    His porn addiction is unhealthy and intolerable and is what I believe might have pushed him to sexually abuse us.He would masturbate for hours wile staring at porn websites. he even needs to stare at dirty magazines when he works out.
    He tried to rape me. He anally raped his ex wife and other ex girl friends (they told me).
    This man must be stopped! We believe he moved from Chicago to Philadelphia because he ran out of victims to abuse in Chicago and word got around.
    So please all women reading this: Heed our warning! Do not assume that because someone works in the mental health industry that they always have the best intent and that you will be safe with them!
    They could very well be like Dumais and exploit it to their gain and try to control and destroy you for their enjoyment and sick needs.

  12. Leave the sociopath alone. Do not tell his wife. They have no emotions. No remorse. They can do a lot of damage. I ended a relationship with a sociopath. I lost 6 k to him. He is dating another woman. Thank goodness I am off the hook. She will eventually find the truth but for now I am glad he found another source if supply. I pretended I believe his lies abd wished him the best of lucky. I don’t want have children and he told me this woman does. He was in doubt btw the two of us. I said there’s no doubt she is the one. Wished him a beautiful life with happy healthy children and now in recovering mode. They are violent people so please leave this guy and his wife aline

  13. Hey guys!

    It’s been 3 ½ years since I’ve discovered this amazing site that enabled me to truly break free. I still think about the way the sociopath I was once with changed my life and I can start to see the positive things that have come with it little by little. But I also still remember crying after breaking up and feeling relieved at the same time. I still remember missing him even though all he did was hurt me and wanting to be alone forever after that. But I’ve come out as a stronger person. It’s probably a sentiment that we’ve all heard before, but what doesn’t kill us really could make us stronger and time helps a lot as well.

    Unfortunately, there is never a break when it comes to living your life. You don’t get handed a vacation after living through something challenging. When I thought that I had finally left my past behind me, I started letting people into my life that I wasn’t sure about – I knew they weren’t sociopaths, so in a naive way, they felt safe (enough) for me anyway. And since I was tired of not trusting anyone, I allowed myself a few bad choices. All of that didn’t turn out so well and of course I was hurt in the process – what did I expect? So now, I think I finally really realized something.

    So what I wanted to say that every single person here is amazing. And even if we move on from a sociopath, it doesn’t mean that other people are allowed to make us feel small. We are all worthy of love and self-love and even if that is hard to truly believe sometimes, I wish for everyone to feel this way.

    You’re amazing. Let no one tell you otherwise. Stay strong and keep going!

  14. Hi guys… it’s me again. I was doing ok with no contact and seeing my therapist again. I just saw her Friday night. Well low and behold I get messages by the sociopath’s on and off girlfriend of 16 years!!!! She was before the 2 wives, the child, everything!! She asked me questions about our relationship, I answered them honestly. Of course there were times when he was seeing both of us at the same time, however he was more serious with her. She shared texts and pics of them or pics of him. I did the same. This poor girl ( about 33, 34) has already had a stroke!! She still loves him but states that she is done…. I don’t believe that she is but that’s her problem. He called at 2am, I didn’t answer then he sent an email ( he’s pissed that I spoke with her) ignored that too. After all I know about him and have been thru with him it still hurt to hear all that… BUT I will retain my power and keep no contact and continue to move on from this toxic person. I feel like this is a NIGHTMARE that I can’t wake up from!! These people are pure evil!!

    1. Hey Cindy, Hope you have everything under control still. Sounds a bit crazy – these layers and layers that you have to peel back to get at the truth. Stick to no contact.

      I confess that in the end I did not stick to no contact . It has changed everything for the better (at least for the moment). I have my doubts now about who/what type of person I thought he was. I feel in control and much calmer and like I am interacting with a normal guy who is conflicted and doesn’t know what to do. We all have those situations, right? But I am not allowing him to see me.

      Stay strong.

  15. Hi Val, how did I know that it would be you who would reply? Thank you so much!! No, I’m not doing well, these layers are too much!! The girl was very nice and she’s been through the wringer like the rest of us, so I’m not blaming her. He had the nerve to get angry and me and send me an angry email asking ” why the fuck did you tell her all that”? Which hurt because clearly he only cared that she knows everything and said she is done with him. Lord, I just want to not hurt over this guy anymore!! The only comfort that I take from the new revelations is that basically he does the same thing to her as me and probably the rest. He’s been coming in and out of her life for 16 years. Most times they will be close ( she states seeing each other almost daily , making plans for their future, etc.) then BOOM she can’t reach him at night, he’s not replying to texts/calls then he just disappears. It’s amazing me that she’s allowed this for 16 years!!! I’m hurt on so many levels for so many reasons. Right now I don’t have to worry about contact from him because he’s angry and upset but one day he won’t be and I’m terrified that he may contact me. I pray that I’m healed and my resolve is SUPER STRONG to not have anything to do with him. It was so unreal talking to this girl… she kept expressing how much she loves him, he’s the only man she’s ever loved, how she’s loved him through 2 marriages, a child, everything!… although he’s caused her so much hurt!! We all have the same story!! I’m like wth… does he have a magic spell that he casts over us?!! Well like her I still love him but I’ve decided to love me more… I’ll have to love him from a distance. I want my life back… I want to be happy and enjoy life instead of merely existing. I pray that God will bring the right man into my life, someone whom I will love as passionately as I did this man but who will love me just as much, care and respect me. I still have faith that that will happen. Of course you know I struck back with some nasty emails of my own… which he did not reply. I didn’t think he would. I ridiculed him for not keeping his affairs straight and for me telling the girl EVERYTHING!! We compared notes, exchanged pics and texts from him. I can’t really lie his way out but I’m sure he did lie. Well Lady, thank you so much for replying to me ( no one else here seems to care ). I sure needed the support. I’m off work today so I can take my husband to his Drs appointment but I’m going to work out first. Val, this last incident most be bad because I have no appetite and I’m not eating much. Smh!! Have a great day Doll!! You be careful with him too!

    1. I think it’s good that you are in touch with her because it shows you how very toxic the situation could be for you. You don’t want to throw away 16 years of your life to someone like him. She should be a warning to you (in a good way, I mean) that you are doing the right thing. If someone had contacted me with a similar story I’d be relieved I got out before my life was completely ruined. I don’t entirely trust mine anyway. While he’s showing me a different side of him I still think he has some dangerous narc qualities. I am staying away. Trust yourself, Cindy.

  16. I’m trusting myself Val, but even if I wanted to be with him I couldn’t. I’m miserable and just hanging on…. trying to work my way through this. I pray that my desire for him go away soon!!! But it’s amazing… the 2 that I’ve spoken with ( his ex-wife) are deeply in love with him. It’s like he has all of us under a spell. If I wasn’t suffering I would find it fascinating. That poor girl…. there’s no way in hell I could endure this for 16 years!! Thanks Val!

  17. Hey Val…. I’m doing well!! Thank you for asking. I had therapy last night and felt better. Today is warm and sunny so I walked 5 1/2 miles and shopped a little. I’m doing great today!! How are you?

    1. Good to hear! I too am doing well! Last week was actually quite rough in a way because we were in contact for all of it, surprisingly, and he sucked up days of my time. Exhausting. I wasn’t sleeping or eating. But I am back on track now. I think I’ll be able to move on soon. A lot of what I suspected all along is apparently true and I think I am dealing more with an Aspie than with someone with NPD. It’s not exactly a relief but it’s more understandable.

      I did not realize we “sprung forward” this morning so I’ve lost an hour! Yikes!

  18. I seem to be fully recovered. But maybe that’s because we talked and sorted out a lot of it. Maybe that’s because I was wrong. Maybe that’s because he’s not acting the way he had been. Maybe it’s because I am in a much better place mentally. I think it’s just time, Cindy. I managed to do two months NC and now I am fine. We are in constant contact but I don’t let him manipulate me anymore.

  19. I am over the individuals, there was more than one some worse than others. So over them like WTF was I thinking. I have grown a LOT but I am not invulnerable as I still have a lot of empathy, but I try hard to stay objective and I try hard to listen and pay attention to what people tell me…and to how they act….mostly how they act.

    At this point in my life I choose to not be in any more “relationships” I will date for fun but my heart belongs to me.

    This is a great Ted Talk about what my life is like now…..not me but a similar story. 13.58 minutes.

  20. Ok… I pray that I can get to 2 months of complete no contact, but according to my therapist he will be back and pursue me because I excite him. I just feel like I’ll never completely get over what he’s done to me. I know that he’s not thinking about me right now, I wish I could say the same. He’s taken something away from me, I pray that I can get it back. I’m happy that you are doing well Val.

    1. He might be back, Cindy, but you will reach the point – I promise – where you will be able to resist him and he will listen to you. Just keep working at it. You will get your mojo back and things will change. The good thing about these types – or at least about mine – is that nothing seems to get to him. It just rolls off him, like water off a duck’s back. It’s fine because what’s the point of going over it again and again, and I know I can be pretty insane myself. I think we all need to be at peace with ourselves.

  21. I agree Brianna. It’s all about abandonment. But I am the one who usually does the abandoning. I’ve also decided that I don’t need another relationship. I don’t want to take care of anyone, I don’t want to live with anyone, I’ve been married twice (still am to the 2nd guy) but I hate being married (I feel trapped – I’ve done things to bust out that I am not proud of). I want to eat, sleep and do what I want when I want. I have a kid, I have lots of friends, I live in two world cities, I work part time. I’m not afraid of anything. What’s not to like? Even HE envies my existence. I have two dates this week but as I said, I am not in the market for a relationship. Fun, yes. Relationship, no.

  22. Hi everyone.
    Sorry I went MIA. Something got messed up with my email address on here.
    Anyway, I’m glad you are doing so well Valerie! That’s how I feel about my narc/sociopath, whatever he is. Even though just a couple of days ago he told me he wanted to make everything better and really sounded very convincing. But I just seem to be over the part where I’m always falling for him or addicted, or even care.
    I did meet this new guy on a dating site though and I wanted to tell you girls about it, because even though I’m not looking for anything too serious now, you still never know and I tend to fall for people very quickly, especially when they’re charming.
    Has anyone ever dealt with meating someone new and now thinking they might be a sociopath as well? Because the guy I’m seeing seems to be a ladies guy and knows what he’s doing. Charming and making me feel comfortable. And we’ve only been on two dates so far but I really enjoy myself around him. The funny or maybe scary thing is, he has the same last name as my ex and his birthday is one day after my ex’s. Now one might think that’s a bad sign or omen. I don’t know…. but knowing what i know now about how good sociopaths are with people or charming people and how many there actually are I’m almost afraid to end up in the same or similar situation with somebody new…
    If you ladies have any thoughts on this I’d love to hear them!
    Much love!

  23. Hi KindSpirit! Glad you are back! That is great that you are over yours. See, Cindy? It does happen!

    I was worried for a bit that I would fall for the same type. I even went out on a date with a guy who TOLD me he was a sociopath. LOL. I didn’t see him again. Didn’t find him charming. Interesting, yes, but not charming. And I think because I didn’t fall for him immediately I wasn’t good supply.

    A few weeks ago I met someone else. We really connected and had a really intense time for a few weeks but we hadn’t met up (we exchanged pictures, texted, phone calls, spent hours ‘with’ each other). We made a date and suddenly he blocked me with no warning. I was super super upset because I really liked him and I was worried. I found his email online and emailed him. He responded and told me that he thought I was out of his league and he knew what he did was ‘dickish’ but he was too chicken to test the waters. I felt shattered. Like I had to apologize for being fabulous ;-). So even though we feel unstable, there are others out there who are more unstable, albeit for different reasons.

    One thing I always appreciated about my narc is that he never ever makes me feel defensive or criticizes me about anything. He accepts me completely for who I am. He is totally non judgmental. He does not feel threatened.

    I have two more dates this week. Neither seems to be a sociopath. One is very sweet and open. The other a bit of a player already but not over the top.

    So be wary but don’t worry that you’ll continue to attract the same types. It might happen for awhile because you are too conditioned, but as you get your bearings it will stop happening. I’d just wait with the guy who has the same last name as your ex (weird). Keep going on dates with him if you are enjoying yourself. Maybe date someone else too, to keep yourself from getting too involved too quickly.

  24. Hey Valerie,
    That’s some good advice. Thank you!
    And that’s interesting that you weren’t good supply because you didn’t fall for him right away. That might be helpful too in case I do somehow er involved with one again. To just take it easy in thto beginning.
    That is strange that he would just block you for that reason. Somebody recently did that to me as well, we had really good conversations but haven’t met in person yet.. and then he just disappeared and even blocked me…
    the world is full of weird people haha 😉
    And I will try to find some other dateable guys as well. I do get fixated very easily but this time I wanna make sure I’m happy with only myself before I give my everything to someone else. 😉
    Thanks for you advice!!

  25. Everyone all right? I’ve come here a few times to confess but never left a comment. He was pretty relentless and I gave in. Then I left him. I realized in a moment of clarity that it would be a train wreck and I didn’t want my life thrown off the rails. So, deep breath. He’s trying to reconcile with the wife who kicked him out years ago for cheating, but he’s cheating with me while trying to reconcile. Hard to get my head around. I think he has narc qualities but mostly straddling the fence for years, scared, bored, too many responsibilities, using people while he sorts himself out. He’s trying (he says) but she’ll never trust him again (I know – she’s been humiliated and he has not changed). Sad. For me it’s easier this time because we’re closer (which is why I checked out – I didn’t want to develop feelings) and ended on a high note. You all might wonder if I feel guilty but in all honesty, while I’ve had a few pangs, I think of him as being single because he lied to me. We hadn’t seen each other for 8 months but it felt like no time had passed. In fact it was better because it was more relaxed since he quit lying to me (once I used his wife’s name he didn’t have much choice; why he didn’t run the other way I don’t know). We’re going on a year of this now. It feels more solid – like I know if I needed him he’d be there. I don’t know if it’s true but it’s what I feel. My friends think I am nuts or lonely or bored but the truth is that I like him even though I know he’s totally wrong for me. Now I have to keep myself from contacting him because I want him back.

  26. Hi Val… I have to laugh because this is some of my own story. His wife had found out he was cheating and said she was done… enters ME, during our relationship he was reconciling with her but lying to me telling me that he was divorcing her. Lol!! I contacted her in 2015 and got the truth. Yes, I want him back too… still love him ( that never seems to go away) sigh 😔. He’s been contacting me lately, saying all the things I want to hear from him, but I know it’s all a lie! Hang in there Val. That to hear from you girl!

    1. Hi Cindy! Thanks for making me laugh ;-). He said they were trying to make it work for the sake of ‘tradition’ and ‘finances.’ It’s all so slimy! Mind-boggling! How did I get involved in something like this??!! He doesn’t even worry that I’ll contact her. Anyway, at least now I know I am not the only person he treats this way. These guys must brain damage us somehow. There’s a topic for positivagirl. How sociopaths brain damage their victims.

  27. I think I need this board to keep me grounded. Otherwise, it is too easy for this all to feel normal when in fact it is ridiculous.

    1. Yes, if we allow it at some point you will just accept it because you love and want them so much!! I’ve never accepted as normal, rather I accepted because it was all I was going to get from him at because I desperately loved and wanted him in my life!! I agree.. it’s crazy but never normal!!

  28. Yep!! And no, you’re not the only one he treats this way… I used to think I was the only one too until speaking with Miss 16 years. It still hurt but I was comforted a little to know it wasn’t just me, but that he lies, deceives and play games with all of us. Yes, if we let them they will do serious mental and emotional damage to us… but we are stronger than that!! We do they have to be so damn charming and loveable?! Well hang in there and don’t get sucked in!

    1. I’m not sure I am stronger than that. It’s easy for someone on the outside (e.g. friends – not people on this board) to ask what I see in him – a friend did that today. But I cannot explain it. Whatever it is, it’s just there. He spent days breaking down my defenses but I guess they weren’t really there to begin with. I thought they were. I think it’s time for a therapist because I really cannot handle this on my own. I need to know what part of ME allows this to happen, and not blame him for all of it.

  29. Yes, I highly recommend a therapist… ask if he/she has experience with narcissists and/or sociopaths. I have a good one, she breaks it down to me so that I understand exactly what’s going on and why I kept going back. Good luck!!

    1. Cindy, all good?

      I just had a revelation but I don’t know where to find it written about on this board, so I wonder if you have thought about it. I realized that my narc cycles through our relationship creating drama and chaos whenever I present as calm and reasonable. This is usually after he has been stable for awhile – I calm down. He then withdraws. It’s not because he’s uncertain. It’s because he feeds off the drama that withdrawing creates. The flip side of this is that when I am dramatic, he is very, very good at calming me down. That’s because he understands drama. He doesn’t understand its opposite.

      Drama (destabilization) = an adrenaline rush for him, which also explains the intensity of the sex – it’s like make up sex after a fight. Always. The whole cycle then starts again. Right now we are at a point where I am calm because he has been present every day for a whole month. I am still happy to spend time with him but as soon as I make a reasonable attempt at sorting out what spending time would look like, he creates chaos and uncertainty. It’s an addiction. He’s a drama queen because he is an adrenaline junkie bored with life.

      Anyway, I am in a good place and I hope everything is going well with you!

      1. Hey Val… I’m ok. I’ve finally had enough of that drama! His mask came completely off and what I saw is just disgusting!! I hope you’re good. Yes, when things are calm and good the do something outrageous and or hurtful because they don’t like calm… they are bored. I got tired of being disrespected and treated poorly. Working on me now.

      2. Good for you! I am getting to that point too, not because his mask came off but because somehow I don’t feel that connected anymore. I could take him or leave him.

      3. Yep… that’s where I am now. I can take or leave him but I’d prefer to leave him. At this point he’s only good for sex…. even that isn’t worth the nonsense that comes with it. This fool text me a few days ago with ” we have that connection”. Yeah right… the only connection he has with anyone is whatever he can use them for.

      4. Haha. I like the sound of this. I’ve just started seeing someone else. It’s very early days but it’s the first time I’ve been interested in anyone else, so that’s a good sign. And I feel stable because narc has stopped doing the intermittent reinforcement thing. Ironic – he stops some of the worst narc behavior and I start disengaging. But I cannot end it because every time I do, I go back. I have to wait for him to end it or for it to fade away.

      5. Yep… that’s basically what happened with me. It faded away, I got tired. If he ended it I felt so rejected and would beg him back. They love to be pursued and begged. I’ve finally realized that I’m so much better than to be treated like that!! He’s pathetic and I’m a PRIZE!!!

      6. Yes you are!! I’ve ended it three times but he never has. If I end it, I will second guess myself and go back but if he ends it, I won’t give it a second thought. My weird psychology, I guess. I still think mine is on the spectrum and unable to process much emotional stuff. I’m not angry or anything. Just interested in my own changing reactions to his behavior.

      7. Now I am angry because he’s doing it again. Just when I said that we could end it but we needed to talk about it, he disappears for three days and then doesn’t respond to an email from me. He hasn’t gone one day without contact in a month but just as I began to settle down, he started up again. I am trauma bonded and I think he is having problems with his wife (understandably). But that is not my problem.

      8. Hi Val… how are you? I’m sorry that I’m just replying… a lot going on in my life,some good some not so good. I’m doing well and not communicating with the sociopath. How are things with your guy? You have to know by now that he will always do what he did… that’s apart of who he is. I swear to you that I still love that man but I just got tired!! Life is too short to deal with their bs!!! I’ve been keeping busy working, traveling, journaling and hanging out with friends. It’s helping although I think of him daily still. I’ll be so happy when I can go days without thinking about him.

      9. Hi Cindy! Glad you are mostly doing well. At least I hope you are! Hopefully your memories/attachment will continue to fade. I suspect I will get tired too but I wish it would happen already, just as you wish you could not think about him. Mine has modified his behavior a lot but it’s like he has no intuition at all. If I ask him to do something, he will try to comply, but he doesn’t anticipate. We had a long face to face talk a few days ago. We haven’t talked like that since me met. He knows he’s weird and different. He cannot explain himself, except that time works differently for him. It’s past, he says. He only thinks about what’s coming up. He is oblivious. I made an appt with my therapist for today to figure out why I cannot ditch him 😉

      10. Ugh I feel terrible now. We just ended it by mutual agreement and the sociopath went off to ‘try’ with his wife because he had a ‘good time’ with her for a few weeks. I am fine with it. I think he is doing the right thing.

        BUT I alternate between anger at him for getting me into this and anger at myself for allowing it to happen. I feel SO guilty about his wife, even though he does not. As far as he is concerned, if it is over, it never happened. He does not get that lying by omission is just as bad as an outright lie – he thinks if he doesn’t say anything, it didn’t happen. Now I am left holding the bag and struggling with whether or not to tell her. Part of me thinks he wants her to know, which is why he drew me back in even after I knew he was married and trying to reconcile. Part of me thinks that he is petrified that I will tell.

        But the bottom line is that I think his wife has a right to know. I just cannot bring myself to tell her because it feels too violent – like I would be dropping a ton of bricks on her head and that I am that ton of bricks. I have no right to do that but then I do not have the right to withhold information that affects her either. I tried to get him to see that he was doing the same thing to his wife that he did to me (lying), but he refused to see the parallels.

        I am fine except for this huge thing weighing on me now. I cannot get any help for it. My therapist says to tell her but actually doing that is another story. I cannot bring myself to do it. I do not know where to turn so I am hoping that someone on this board will help!!

      11. Hey Val… trust me when I tell you this: you’re not the first and his wife has knowledge of his prior affairs. They are notorious cheaters AND they are kind of sloppy. I told my ex spath’a wife… it was a different situation though because they were separated ( she lived in another country and because he cheated). If you want to tell her tell her but I would tell you to just walk away and never look back. I went back a few times just for sex. I did something that I’m proud of this week… I told him no! As a result he’s giving me the silent treatment. So sad. I’m ready to walk away now. He’s a waste of time ( minus amazing sex). Do whatever your heart tells you.

      12. Hi Cindy! Thanks for responding and it’s good to hear from you. I am happy you were able to say no! It gives me hope because I’m also anxious that he will resurface. I hope I’ll also be able to say no. At least this time I know it’s impossible to innocently reach out. And I am more convinced than ever that he is a narc.

        Yes his wife knows about at least one prior because she kicked him out. I never got the details and so do not know if there has been more than one; he only grudgingly admitted to one previous. But she thinks they’ve been reconciling this whole year. I don’t think she knows he’s a serial cheater because if she did it is unlikely that she’d have wanted to try to reconcile. That pains me.

        Morally I feel that everyone has the right to transparency so they can make their own decisions but it took me awhile to see the parallels between my situation with him and hers. I think I thought I was special and then I realized that lying is his way of being in the world. It is not because he needed ME. It is because that is how he is with everyone. That was a big revelation for me.

        I know it’s not my problem exactly – not my circus, not my monkeys – but I’ve been wrestling with this for a week. My concern is really doing the right thing so that she has the information she needs to decide whether her marriage is worth trying to save.

        I guess there is no answer as to what the right thing is. I can’t exactly contact her and claim to be innocent because the second time around I wasn’t. Maybe that is my burden to bear…

      13. I woke up this morning convinced that he has told his wife about me but he has lied and said we were only involved last year when they were separated, and that I am deluded. He’s done this in case I get in touch with her. I guess the best thing for me to do is nothing but I am just shocked that I am beginning to think the way he does. If I were to tell her, he’s made it so that she will not believe me. I don’t have much evidence – thousands of emails but all from a fake email (though she’d know it was him), details about their lives that I could only know if he had told me, a screen shot of him on a dating site, a few naughty pictures of body parts. That’s about it! I don’t have DNA evidence or anything :-). I don’t have pictures of the two of us together.

  30. I just recently discovered the truth about my husband (soon to be ex). He was lying to me for years. We got married three years ago. We’re both LDS and got married in the temple. Now that I look back, I realize how much he lied to me. He was so manipulative. During the course of our marriage, he could never ever find a job. The only time that he worked was when I got him a job at my place of work. He was always looking and could never find one. I actually felt sorry for him. I thought that maybe he couldn’t find a job because he was Brazilian. I am American, but I met him in Brazil and he came to the U.S. on a fiance visa. Now, I realize that he just used me to get here. He was so lazy, he played video games all day. He never slept and went to bed at like 8AM. He told me that he just had issues with sleep and had been that way his whole life. I just found out a month ago that he was lying to me about being in college. He lied to me for over a year. He would leave the house and pretend to go to school. He even spoke about his teachers, his tests, and told me he was getting Straight A’s in software engineering. I thought that he was so smart. When I questioned him about never doing any homework, he got so upset with me and told me that he did it at night when I was sleeping. He worked well at night supposedly. One time, I saw an email on his computer from a teacher saying they were dropping him because he had not done any work in the class. I confronted him and he got SO mad at me for not trusting him. He acted so concerned that his teacher was mistaken and told me he would go straighten it out with his teacher. He then told me I needed to work on my trust issues and should go to therapy. I literally just CANNOT get over all of the lies he told me. It was three years of marriage and three years of dating before that. All of it was lies. Not to even mention all of the verbal abuse, slamming doors, ignoring me, lack of empathy etc.

    1. It is hard to get over what wasn’t real. As you were in love with a lie. I recall that I felt it was easier to believe the lie, than to believe that I was duped and conned. You were not stupid. As they really are masters at their game. Mine would go to fake jobs, he did not know people in my city, so would leave the house at 6am to go to his fake job. In reality he was sitting in the local library. He really did enjoy the ‘game’ and the fact that he really did not feel conscience to experience guilt, remorse or shame. Makes you wonder what he was doing all night until 8am? (probably online?)

  31. After reading a couple of pages on the site, obviously trying to work out some things, the pain never fully dies, i find the gender role quite disturbing, as it is always a “he”. Another part of the information in how to deal with somebody that has a hidden agenda and lack of remorse is given to mirror the person, well i did that and in the end after 17 years of relationship, three children, i became the raving lunatic or as is put in some pages, narcissistic raging. With this in mind, i would suggest that emulating something that one despises, only creates monsters with which the deceiver can use to their advantage. I lost my three children as i became destitute due to psychological trauma, the social welfare putting the final nail in the coffin. I am of an age that has little hope of returning back to the so called dream in life. Once awakened, one can not forget and the scenario of my children living with their mother that objectifies everything which enhances her bank account and parasitic lifestyle only serves as a message to all that read this. Sociopaths are quite the norm nowadays as money becomes the glue in life. The government allows sociopathic mentality, as it fits very well into the business model of economics and the state skimming off taxes from people is just another form of this despicable behaviour. I thank the heavens for providing me with meditation and the freeing up of the attachment but know my children miss me and they are hurt by my no contact, which was not always so. i have tried previously, to rectify the problem, but it takes two to tango, and when one is without empathy and very intelligent, the odds are stacked against the empath. Thanks for the site, it is a piece of sanity in a very messed up world. Cain still kills Able and there is no end. Good luck to all and remember love is always within the heart.

    1. No it isn’t ‘always he’ only posts from 2013 are he. it is 2017 now, 4 years later, all post have been written gender neutral after the first year when the blog became popular and was read by people other than the sociopath who was a man.

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