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During a time, when he had deluded me, that he had ‘changed’ haha… they ‘can’t’ change, and neither would they want to either. I removed my own story. I had checked my email, and found this written to an author on another site in early July 2012. At that time I had known him seven months. I would know him in total for four years, before he finally took off and left my city. I copy the email here, hopefully it gives you an outline, this is what it is like to date a sociopath. Here was my story as at July 2012.

Hi Kerry,

I think i might have been dating a sociopath. Who has financially ruined me.
At the end of last year, i met a guy. He lied from day 1. he made up a totally different persona. He was charming. He he was funny. He was almost too perfect.
He told me he had a 45k a year job, and would move in with me paying 3 months in advance. He told me he was going to buy an alfa romeo car. It was all designed to give the illusion that he had money. Of course when i first met him, he had forgotten his bank card, then he didnt bring enough money. Of course i was paying.
He moved into my house, told me that he had only had 2 relationships in the past. One was a psycho violent person, the other was an amazing relationship. He had been with her for 13 years, they only split because she had cheated on him. He said they had split 6 years ago, and he had a 7 year old little girl who he had every other weekend, and every other christmas. But not this christmas, she was in the dominican republic with her mum. he would even have fake calls every other day to his little girl.
He was almost too nice. My mum said that he sounded like he was telling me what i wanted to hear. I knew that something wasnt right. I challenged him. This relationship he did have things in common with me which were REAL, and those things were real because there was evidence lots of before i had met him.

He came from another city so it was easy to pass off why he had no friends or family in his background. Something wasnt right, he was almost just too nice.

After more than a month living with me, and saying that his work werent getting back to him – he confessed that he didnt have a job, i said he had to get one. So he told me that he had got this job. It was amazing. He got headhunted at the interview. He was line managing 60 people, he could earn more than 100k a year. Of course then came the illnesses so he couldnt attend work, but he had to work a month in hand so i paid for him until he was paid.
During that time he said that his daughters mother had become seriously ill with cancer. There were fake phone calls (set up with an alarm to his phone), this was a big deal because in jan 2010 my daughter had died at full term pregnancy. I was still recovering and couldnt have any more children. I prepared the house for her to come. He told me that she had 2 days to live that his little girl was living with her friend and her mum. it sounded awful. He went to great lengths to deceive me. I gave him money to return home to collect his daughter. He was meant to go with two suitcases empty and bring her and her things back. We had already been through where her uncle mark was going to bring her, i cleaned the hosue from top to bottom. At the last minute he couldnt come because they were around her death bed.
He left to pick up his daughter, i was out, when i returned home there were notes he had left. I couldnt believe it, he was about to be paid, i had sunk into rent arrears and debt whilst i temporarily helped him. Just packed all his things and gone. Then he said that his sisters twin had taken his daughter and he returned. There were fake calls to solicitors whilst he tried to arrange access to his daughter. I was waiting for him to be paid. I needed the money desperately. Except when he was meant to be paid he created a diversion shouting and screaming he was having  a breakdown. He needed to have some space. he walked out with suitcases calling the police, threatening me.
I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. He wouldnt answer his phone said he was in his daughters home city trying to arrange access.
Meanwhile i received two emails from his last ex girlfriend, and his last housemate. THey said that he was a compulsive liar and a thief and to watch out. His last girlfriend had been left in thousands of debt and had lost her home. He owed his ex housemate 500 and again had just left. I was left with just 5 and was starving i couldnt understand what had happened to my money they told me to check my account. He had withdrawn 350 over two days. I was stunned. Earlier my bank card had gone missing i had been sent another with a new pin.
He then told me he felt awful, how much he loved me. That his grandfather had given him 1000 and he wanted to repay me. He was coming then he didnt. So i decided to go there. He was living in a hovel. Of course there was no money, it was a lie. He confessed he lied. He said that he had spent his life telling lies, and wanted to tell me the truth. HE didnt want to lose me. So he told me that his ex hadnt been dying of cancer, he hadnt seen his little girl in almost 2 years. He said he was tired of living this life, the things that we had were real. He wanted to come back, work hard and pay back money that was owed.
Of course, I was by now so in debt, that i wanted this. I also loved him. After all we got on so well. Had so much in common. He told me he had a job interview lined up and was sure that he would get the job. He ate interviews. So i allowed him to come back. But there was no job interview. I went mad. He got a job, but he didnt get paid, he didnt complete the training. Then there was another job, again he didnt get paid, he said that wages would go into my bank account. But they didnt. again and again and again. Meanwhile i was by now borrowing money from high interest rate lenders, on the promise of his salary that was going into my bank account. My car had become illegal i couldnt afford to get it fixed. I had taken so much time off work, that they wouldnt allow me back, and i was now on half pay, Because of his behaviour my lodger had left. When i said i felt so awful i felt like dying, he called police, who kicked my door in, so i had no letterbox and a smashed in front door for more than 2 months so couldnt get another lodger. I wanted what he said to be true.
I spoke to the mother of his daughter who said that he couldnt see his daughter. He was a compulsive liar. If he wanted to see her it had to be through a contact centre.
He was meant to be at work, and i got a call, saying he had a surprise. Could i pick him up. He had awful teeth, and had just had his teeth done, he wanted me to pick him up from the dentist with a brand new set of teeth. I was stunned. he would get up at 6am every day, to go to work for 7.30am returning at 5pm. Again he said that there were problems with wages. I bought him a bike, and we went camping, all on the promise of wages that would go into my bank account.
Last week i was devastated when he said he had been laid off, i had checked my account again no salary had gone in. He had lived off me for another 2 months. No real job. No salary. I had borrowed money and was so in debt my home was at risk. He stole my ipod with 16gig worth of music. My mobile phone, and worst of all, an expensive watch i had bought in memory of my dead daughter. Noticing this, i hid his laptop. I knew that had just as personal things for him. He called the police on me. Again…
Fortunately the police could see through him. Took his house keys, kicked him out, and said tough about his bike and laptop he had my things i had his… he was thrown onto the streets and was street homeless. He lived like this for a week, and got given a flat. He told me he had my things that he would return them yesterday. He didnt, there were more excuses. I said i wanted to see his place. He was reluctant. I did eventually see his place. he said he didnt have key to the living room landlord forgot to give to him, i said i knew that was a lie. he said he didnt have his suitcases. i said i knew that was a lie that he had his case locked in the room. He admitted it, and i knew then that he had sold my possessions for cash.
HE doesnt have drug addiction problems. But this is what i have been going through i have been left financially ruined. Do you think that he is a sociopath? He sounds very much like it, he was so charming, a compulsive liar, and stole my things. Always told people what they wanted to hear and it seems that he has got off on financially ruining me.
Nikki
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  1. Hi Positivagirl here is a copy of what I wrote:
    AUGUST 12, 2017 AT 5:26 PM
    Hi I wanted to share my story with a sociopath and deceptive narcissist I met 2 years ago and just recently cut off for good. This story is a bit long so bear with me, if you don’t mind. His name is Silas Kamara but when we first met he lied and told me his name was “Kamara Obegenwae”-he lied and said his last name was his first name and he completely fabricated a last name. I would later find out why he did this. I first met him When I was on my way from college class I had stopped to the store and picked up a few items. On my way to the bus stop I passed a guy who I initially thought was Jamaican because he had a really beautiful, tropical sounding accent . I walked to the bus stop and waited here for a few minutes and soon after the ” jamaican” guy came up behind me and asked me what time the bus was coming. I wasn’t really in a talkative mood so I told him I wasn’t sure and left it at that. However the guy started flirting with me, told me how beautiful I looked and asked me where I was on my way to. He and I began to talk more and I found out he was actually from Sierra Leone and we talked about astrology and traveling. I told him my birthday was January 3rd and that I’m a Capricorn and I found out he was a Virgo (Virgo men are my personal favorites and his birthday was September 5th). I already felt chemistry with him and after our bus came we talked and laughed on it like it was just the two of us and he asked could he walk me home. I said yes and I jokingly said he probably just wanted to find out where I live. He playfully said yes he did but little did I know it was actually serious. He walked me to my house we exchanged numbers and he called me when he got home and mentioned that he would be out of town for a couple weeks but as soon as he got back he wanted to take me out on a date. I said okay and we talked more over the next couple days. However on the second day of knowing him he called me that morning and told me that he was ” in love with me “. I laughed and told him he was a charmer but no one falls in love that fast. He restated that he was in love with me and complete seriousness and he told me that the reason why he felt the need to tell me was because he is a “romantic/sentimental type” and he felt he had known me forever. Obviously I didn’t take him seriously but odd behavior what set the tone for the remainder of our relationship. When he got back from his trip we met at the park by my house and talked for 2 hours when he asked can I come back to his house later (he lived in the same neighborhood as me) and he could cook dinner for me. I said okay and later on he returned and we walked to his house. I’m a dominatrix when it comes to kink and role-play so I asked him could I tie him up and he enthusiastically allowed me to do it to him. I pleasured him but I told him earlier that day that I wasn’t comfortable having sex with him just yet. However while he was still tied to the bed he had been so aroused that he said ” how are you going to do this to me?” meaning he felt that I had gotten him so turned on that I somehow owed him sex. I told him no because he also did not have a condom and even if I were going to change my mind I would not want to have sex without a condom because I do not want to get pregnant. I untied him and we made out for a bit and he started to give me a massage but then got on top of me and asked me “why I didn’t why trust him”. I told him it was nothing personal but that I just didn’t feel comfortable without a condom. However he persisted and begged me to let him have sex with me for “just 5 minutes” and he promised he would pull out. However 5 minutes became 20 minutes and he wound up nearly ejaculating inside of me. I was so scared and upset that I told him to take me home right then and there. I realized that what happened to me was not rape but I still felt like I had been coerced and pressured to having sex when I had no intention to do so. However I didn’t feel like I could confide in anyone and for the next two weeks I was so scared of getting pregnant so my period was delayed. Meanwhile Silas found a way to play the victim and ask why I stormed out when he wanted me to spend the night (we had never agreed to that) and he told me I owed him an apology. I told him I was scared so I didn’t owe him anything and he didn’t know how to take no for an answer. Eventually I forgave him but every time we met up he would try to find a way to try to coerce me into having unprotected sex (I never agreed to it again) and afterwards he would accuse me of “acting up” just because I wanted to be responsible with my body. I grew sick of his rude attitude and we stopped talking for a couple months however in January of 2016 we begin talking again and he would arrange to meet his house where we would have sex and he will cook for me afterwards. However I begin to notice this was a consistent pattern And he never would actually take me on dates. When I confronted her about this I asked him was he just using me for sex and if yes just to be honest about it (I have no problem having casual sex but he kept saying how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and felt that if he just wanted sex he should stop saying things like that and be honest.) however he told me the only reason why he hadn’t taken me out was because he had a low income job and had no time for money to take me anywhere special, or so he said. My intuition told me something wasn’t right and after doing some Google searches I found out that not only had he lied about not having a Facebook account, he lied about his name, and he was a novice pastor in his African congregation and ironically often gave sermons on abstinance and chasity (i’m not religious but I thought the hypocrisy was absurd). I also discovered that he frequently went on expensive outings and trips he paid for with various friends (even though he told me he never had money to go anywhere at the time). He lived a complete double life. About a month later Silas called me early in the morning because he ask could I come to his house that day and he said he had something he wanted to talk to me about and it was important. I told him that he could just tell me on the phone, however he said it was “big” and he needed to talk to me as soon as possible. I went to his house later that morning and he had made me a fruit platter and he asked me to come close to him so he could hold me and tell me what he wanted to talk to me about. I was nervous but I figured he was probably going to tell me that he was moving or something. He began by telling me that he’s been struggling with his job and his citizenship and he’s worried about losing his work permit legally and the only way to keep it is if he gets married. I felt a knot form in my stomach and then he proceeded to ask me if I could marry him so that he could legally keep his working visa. I was appalled and angry then I begin to cry and I told him that I felt used, and that what he wanted to do was illegal and that probably didn’t even realized how used and taken advantage of I felt. He quickly began to apologize and told me that he wanted to marry me anyway but he was waiting for the right time to ask in this situation was just the most convenient for him. He began to try to control me and coddle me and because of my vulnerable state we were intimate later (he knew how to push my buttons). However I told him no and I went home angry as I usually did with him. When I got home I began to ask myself why I put up with him when he always makes me so upset. One day a few weeks later while we were walking to his house a family friend who lived nearby had seen us and she called my dad and told him she was worried about me because the guy she saw me with (Silas) was, in her own words, a ” sexual predator and bad news”. She said she knew exactly who he was because he had propositioned her in the past and she also told me later on that she found out that he was under investigation for sexual assault on a woman close to my age and the best thing I could do is stay away from him for my own good. At first I thought it was a case of mistaken identity because Silas has shown me his background report from a work application when I confronted him on what my neighbor had told me about him, but then I thought that to how he had course pressure me into having sex with him the day we met and how he got on top of me and persisted that we do it and I began to have suspicions and worries. However we still maintained contact and he would always persist in asking me to marry him however towards the end of the year (December 2016) he told me that if I didn’t marry him he would find someone else to do it so he could keep his Visa. I told him that I had no intention on marrying him and I only believed in marrying for love. He insisted he loved me but I knew he was being deceptive and manipulative. In February of this year (2017) right before Valentine’s Day he had bought me a ring and formally proposed me with it. Admittedly I was flattered but I still refused his offer and reminded him that what he wanted to do was illegal. After that I didn’t hear from him for an entire month but one night I got a call from him and he was in a car talking and laughing with other people and he said he would call me again when he got home. Later on he revealed to me that he followed through with his plan to marry someone for his Visa and he paid a woman he had ust met the previous week to help him with his marriage scam. I can’t say I was surprised but then he asked could we still meet and have sex and that he still loved me and it was purely a marriage of convenience and that he was planning to divorce her after 10 months. Needless to say I was disgusted and I met up with him just so I could tell him off. He also told me that the woman he “married” already had a boyfriend which turned out to be another lie. She had a son and she looked old enough to be Silas’ mother. He would post pictures and social media the two of them on outings and dates (remember he had still been telling me that he did not have the money to take me out anywhere.) I felt awful because I realized I had merely been used for sex the entire time and while he tried to use me for marriage fraud and he successfully used his new “wife” for his schemes he still would take her to all the places he never took me (the only time we ever spent together was in his bed) and it made me feel awful. I felt like an unpaid prostitute for him all along, and what angered me is that if he only wanted casual sex he could have just been honest with me instead of feeding me lies and decieving me about so many things. He also kept changing his story because at first he said he and the woman were not romantically or sexually involved but then he said they were temporarily have been he changed his story again and said that they weren’t. I no longer believed a word he said. The last time I ever saw him was in July about a month ago he had come to my house crying in his car and apologizing because the woman he “married” would not sign over her assets to him and he was worried about losing his job because she wouldn’t sign all of the property papers. He had the audacity to ask me to sign a lease note one his apartment so he wouldn’t lose the room he rented out. Thoroughly disgusted, I told him I didn’t ever want to see him again and not to ever call me again. I found out that he and the woman are somehow on good terms, he still takes her everywhere and looks after her son, and I believe they now live together in a different County (possibly because his scam began to unravel and he was desperate for it to look legitimate or so he told me). I’m angry and hurt because I feel like I was used yet I gain nothing from it and all the things he should have done for me he does now for the other woman he scammed. I wish he would have never tried to get me emotionally involved because it could have saved me the heartache. If he would have just been about only wanting sex I would have happened to him but instead he played on my emotions and never once apologized for what he put me through. I feel its unfair because it seems like he gets to move on and be happy and do fun things and go on the all outings that he claimed he had no money for and he never paid for his deceit and lies and the marriage scam. He goes to his church and preaches to his congregation yet he has skeletons in his closet. He’s judgmental (he would often judge me for how I dress and say I’m inappropriate and “dress like a whore” right after having sex with me ironically). He would constantly make promises he never kept and pretends he’s so perfect and everyone falls for it. I’m just angry and trying to get over everything I went through with him. It’s hard each day I’m stronger and and make an effort move on.

    1. Please don’t focus on him and what he is doing. This will hold you back. Focus on you. The love has been stripped from you. You sound like a beautiful kind loving person. Start pouring you. Into you. Remember each day that you are away you heal. Keep to no contact.

      1. aww thank you so much Positivagirl 🙂 and I’ll definitely take your advice. I also find that keeping my loved ones close to me and doing things that empower myself as well as practicing self-love help as well. Thank you again and love&hugs ❤ xoxo

      2. Sounds like you have this red lioness. Having a support network around you can help massively. Also knowing what empowers you. It sounds like you really do have this. You just have to do the ‘cold turkey’. Have you ever tried going on a diet or quitting smoking? Anything like that? You need to break the addiction. Otherwise you could be stuck forever. Pulled into the ‘good’ then spat out in a rage.. or your world turned upside down again. One step at a time. One day at a time.

  2. My ex is trying to come back around after two years. I’ve spent hours in therapy talking about what he did. It’s as if a part of me can’t remember all the bad stuff. I keep replaying the good stuff in my head. When he left me (suddenly, after texting me that morning that he loved me), he said, “I destroy people. That’s what I do.” I said, “Well, you’ve destroyed me.” He said, “This is nothing.” You’d think that would be enough that two years later I would ignore his messages to me. But I want to let him back in. I feel like an addict (thank you for your post ‘Take me to your dealer’) yearning for that drug. I’ve been praying so hard, and talking to my therapist and best friend about it, trying my hardest not to reply. In my mind though, I just want one more kiss. One more hug. To sleep next to him one more time. It’s torture.

    1. Do what you will….but go into it with your eyes wide open!! He will come (and GO) as many times as you will let him. They do NOT change. Not for you…..not for anyone!! And he will DRAIN you every time. You will loose everything. So if you can afford that, (financially and emotionally) just take him back one more time.

      1. You are right, Kate. I tried so many different ways to take mine back. I left him half a dozen times and he appeared to leave me twice, but what I realized is not only do they not change, no matter what sort of relationship it is, but he never really left me. They simply do not go away, ever! And every round of contact is draining because it always ends up in the same place. He tries to get me back where he wants me, I relax a bit because he’s consistent and acting more or less normal, then he starts the silent treatments, approach/avoid, chaos-causing behavior, I blow up and call him every name under the sun, and then I realize that what he wants is the attention. It doesn’t matter what form it takes. As they say, the only way to deal with these types is to completely ignore them, but that’s easier said than done.

  3. My ex is trying to come back around after two years. I’ve spent hours in therapy talking about what he did. It’s as if a part of me can’t remember all the bad stuff. I keep replaying the good stuff in my head. When he left me (suddenly, after texting me that morning that he loved me), he said, “I destroy people. That’s what I do.” I said, “Well, you’ve destroyed me.” He said, “This is nothing.” You’d think that would be enough that two years later I would ignore his messages to me. But I want to let him back in. I feel like an addict (thank you for your post ‘Take me to your dealer’) yearning for that drug. I’ve been praying so hard, and talking to my therapist and best friend about it, trying my hardest not to reply. In my mind though, I just want one more kiss. One more hug. To sleep next to him one more time. It’s torture.

  4. Hi Nikki,
    I’m really grateful to find your website. I just got out from a toxic relationship which I start to think he is most likely a sociopath after leaving him.
    He is a colleague and I just moved to this new place. I was lonely and in need of company and love. He is married. However he kept coming after me telling me how unhappy he is in his marriage. He says that he loves me and he wants to protect me and provide me with everything that I ever wanted. He wants to give me a family. He also told me about all his affairs which amounting up to 7 or 8 because he is unhappy with his marriage. However he is hitting hard on me asking me to marry him and he moved into my house really fast. I was so happy to meet someone who really knows me as we have similar interest. I then sacrifice myself by being his sexual partner (which he is very much addicted and having a big appetite for sex), being his maid, cook, financial advisor and his mum. He lavished me with gifts. He loves to have me worshipping him and being his biggest fan. He did request a divorce from his wife however when I was not around because of work he will travel to ask his wife to stay. I was so insecure because somehow my gut is telling me that he will not have chosen me over his wife and true enough I found out they were together despite him asking a divorce from her. During a confrontation between me and him and his wife, he made a chose to stay with his wife. I was very hurt however the next day he came to me begging me to stay however telling me I’m not to tell his wife. I refuse to be together with him. From time to time he will tell me he misses me and he loves me, asking for sexual favours which I refused. 2 weeks after leaving him, he found a reason and came to my house and rape me. I was left really broken and sad. When I confronted him about his act, he was not remorseful and he told me that I am overthinking things and I should get on with my life. When I asked him what is he trying to achieve by asking me to stay, I realised that he has no plans at all. He will paint a really nice future with me however I also do know he will paint a similar picture with his wife. When I confronted him about it, he says he can go both ways and he has not made up his mind who he wants. I told him I will make the decision for him by leaving him. After the rape, because he saw that I was really hurt he stopped coming after me. But that is because he has a big project at work. At work he is a very competitive person who always loves to win and he is very charming to the bosses. He is very demanding and he wants me all to himself. He is unhappy when I have my own life. He is unhappy because I told him that I will never put him 1st.
    I really do hope I can come out from this stronger and you are a big encouragement to me.

    Thank you

    Bunny

  5. My ex shares so many narc qualities but I’m still really confused if he is just callous or he truly is a sociopath. I would really appreciate someone taking the time to ready my story and give me your thoughts (without judgement please).
    When I met him I had just come out of a long term relationship and he seemed really fun an easy to be around. I knew he was seeing other women as he referenced it frequently, was out every weekend in bars and strip clubs and even threw an empty box of condoms at me after the first time we had been intimate. None of this bothered me because all I was in for was casual. It was at the eight month point that I learned he was engaged and shortly getting married and this again didn’t bother me since I was in a string of girls and didn’t see this as long term. I actually found it comforting that I could leave at any point.
    Well you all know how it goes, feelings form and all of a sudden you are in this love vortex and have no idea how you got there but it feels wonderful. I stopped asking about his life because it was too painful to hear the details and was with him on and off for six years..
    Things about him
    – He told me he came from a military background in some type of intelligence unit, so when I asked about his past he often told me he could not say and that he was so used to lying about it that he couldn’t remember what was true
    – The stories he would tell me about his military past always involved the bad decisions he had to make and the lives he sacrificed. How he carried this weight around with him (was this evoking pity?) He told me that he used sex with women (other than his wife) to feel better about this lingering guilt.
    – He is very charming and witty but he has lots of family and long term friends.
    – He owns his own company and has been steadily building it for 5 plus years
    – He told me that I was his one true love and constantly showered me with time and affection. This never stopped and I never got any rage or criticizing
    – He always talked about when we would eventually get married but I would brush this off or shut him down
    – He constantly tried to make me jealous, at first with other girls he was screwing and later with girls that he claimed not to be screwing but were in his life (but never with his wife)
    – the only time we ever really fought is when I would end things because I didn’t want to be the other woman but after a couple of months he’d call and catch me at a weak moment and we start off as friends and things would heat up. He would always recount how horrific those months without me were
    – My final straw was that in the last 2 years he told me that he had changed, he was done cheating on his wife and that I “didn’t count”. He wasn’t interested in other girls and that I had helped to change him. I had huge trust issues in general but we had a talk and I told him I would not hold him accountable for his past and that we would work on building trust. I found out he had been dating another girl for 5 months. I immediately went no contact. He showed up at my work and I told him that he should never contact me and is dead to me and then blocked him from everything.

    The thing is I am not hurt or sad. I feel fooled and angry for trusting this person but I just can’t determine if he is a sociopath or just a pathological cheater/womanizer.

  6. Hey all,
    I’m so grateful for this website. It is making so many things clear form and… admittedly… also freak out a bit.
    I found the website as I am finally starting to say goodbye to a fling with a psychopath (1 month good, 1 month bad) that was back in August last year (!!!) and I need to find reassurance. Long story, sorry.
    I’m a gay man and the person in question was an allegedly bisexual man, highly performing at work and who openly told me about having taken part in group beatings as a teenager. Furthermore, he even uttered the sentence “a hole is a hole” concerning his bisexuality. How could I not have run away instantly? This is my NUMBER ONE question to myself and the thing for which I have to forgive myself. I was weak at the time.
    What happened for me to cling onto him was that once, as we were having sex (of course me as the receiver because he would never have allowed me to take control), the condom broke and he ejaculated inside of me. I’m telling myself now that he obviously manipulated it for it to break. After that, he sort of forced me to let him penetrate me without a condom (“just the tip” which he had conveniently lubricated already) and I gave in in the end.
    As I had started to notice his suspicious behaviour, I became afraid of him being a promiscuous bastard as all psychopaths are, so I comforted myself by trying to see what he WAS a good person. But he wasn’t. He ridiculed me, made fun of my body, made me feel worthless and yet there I was. Stockholm syndrome if you wish. I had to wait four weeks to get tested and fortunately everything came out negative. After this I was ready to let him go. However, he reappeared and there’s no need to tell how I fell back into the trap… But this time, I wrote to him “goodbye” after he rejected my attempt to see him for the third time.
    Well, it turns out now, 5 months later, that he did infect me with something. Warts, to be precise. When I found this out, I wanted to contact him and let him know. Inform in a friendly manner. But obviously, this was a trick for me to feel the rush of receiving an answer from him. Thankfully, someone close to me told me that he would turn it around and say that I gave it to him instead. So I refrained. And I now recur to this forum.

    What is crazy as I read this is that I realise that the “crazy” ex-boyfriend whom I broke up with in January last year was a clear psychopath, though with more narcissistic traits. This thought makes it even more frustrating because: why did I fall for an even scarier beast after finally being able to break free from the previous one??

    I’ve learnt now at least exactly what to look out for and I’m sure I’ll come out stronger once that devil is completely gone from my body.

    I’ve lost all hope in men and see everyone with suspicion now! But that may ultimately be better than naivety.

    Thank you reading :-*

    1. I forgot to mention that he probably filmed us during sex too, which is what worries me the most! And I’m aware that I won’t be able to do anything about it…

  7. It has been 2 1/2 years since I ended all contact with my ex-nightmare. His house that we shared was foreclosed on and from what I can tell he has moved an hour and a half’s drive away. Finally, I felt like I was freed of worrying about him turning up where I might be. Boy, was I wrong. At least once a month, he turns up in a local watering hole where I meet friends. I know deep down he does this to continue to have control over me, even if it’s indirectly. The friends he “needs” to visit are my friends and they know not to discuss my life, but they share what he’s up to, and as we’d expect, he’s off to his next victim. Same lines, same story, I’m so glad he’s out of my life, but because of what he did to me, I’m still alone. I’ve told my friends that I don’t want to know anymore, but I feel like this will truly never end and I’ll never be able to have a normal relationship…

    1. You will get there Susan. One day you will wake up and not care anymore. I thought I’d never get there either but I have. I can finally hear from him and not jump to attention and not get angry either. Indifference is your friend!

      1. Thank you, Valerie! I’m so, so much better off, in so many ways. I know that my life, even alone, is better without this twisted person in it. I see what he’s doing. I see that he needs to come back to let everyone know how “great” he’s doing because he knows it will get to me. I’m just so tired of the game, and I just want to be left alone to get on with my life. Moments like what happened this past weekend are much fewer and farther between, and I think our healing is more circular…we revisit the pain and the hurt, but spend less time and feel it less acutely ever time we pass.

      2. Hi Susan Your life alone is definitely better without him in it, and you won’t be alone forever! I agree that the healing is circular and eventually the pain passes. Two steps forward, one step back.

  8. After 20 years of being married to a psychopath, and now 35 years DIVORCED and RECOVERED from that nightmare…..I am just now learning that I AM NOT ALONE!!
    And NOW……I am just now realizing that my daughter might just be a psychopath too!! She and he are very close and I’m the “Bad Wife/Mom” and I will always LOVE my daughter and 3 grandchildren….but I’m so much better off when I don’t hear from my daughter.
    Being an only child, she expects to inherit everything I have…..(NOT gonna happen……I’ve already make the legal changes). But she dangles pictures of the grandchildren in front of me like a carrot just to see if I’m still alive! I don’t know what she has told them, but they are afraid to communicate with me. And I hesitate to try to communicate with them for fear they will suffer consequences….maybe because they might accidentally tell me something the aren’t suppose to divulge.
    Psychopaths are LIARS……and will damage even their own children.

  9. Hello…I didn’t truly understand what a sociopath was. There were immediate red flags from the very beginning. I had recently gone through a divorce so when I mention the signs (red flags) which to someone who hasn’t delt with a sociopath seem very subtle.
    It’s been ten years since I first met him and I guess I started feeling like myself again approximately a 1 1/2 ago. While in it, I felt like someone performed a war tactic on me. I pay very close attention to detail and am a very good judge of character so I was constantly questioning some of the tihings that he told me but I loved him. I was tring to also prove to others around me that I was over my ex-husband and which I was. Also perople around me called me picky. After going through all that I have been through. they can call me whatever. I am going with my gut from now on.
    When it was finally over the gaslighting really kicked in. I thought that him staying involved with people in his past was weird but didn’t make any waves about it because he was so convincing that he just cared about people. One of the big things that I noticed was that he also seemed to be attracted to me. You know how you feel when you are with a man and you can feel him checking out another women, well he gave me that feeling around men. Also to me he sometimes had a boyish behavior. My ex was a police officer and could drive really good. The sociopath seem to have night vision probelms. He had so many of the traits. But as I read information, if he was never diagnosed or if he does eventually get tested and they same he isn’t a sociopath, he is not someone that I would want to be with or be around because he is a horrible human being.
    Towards the end we disussed getting back together because I loved him so much. Economically I thought it would be feasible because we were both struggling and after all, I thought we were gonna be together for ever. I went to his home unexpectly and he was alread dating another woman. Long story short he told her in front of me that he wanted to be with me but that was because I have a job. I walked out of his house and was thinking to myself that he could do the same thing to me.
    Long story short I moved in with him and cried from day one because once I was in the house I realized something was off with this guy. I cried for the entire 8 months I was there but from day one my goal was to get out. Once I moved back home, I googled why would this person stopy answer my phone calls when we first got togehter he smothered me to death with gifts and calls and that when I discovered I had been love bombed. I think after two months in the beginning of the relationship I said I hope he looks at me the way he ws looking at me then but in looking back it was those empty eyes. I realized the horrible things he would tell me were really horrible things that he had done (and for some creepy reason felt that way when he was saying them). I am very intune with my feelings and he was able to get away with it because I wanted it so bad. I read everything I could about sociopaths and could now probable teach a class on it. The maticulous dresser and clean person didn’t exist. Once I moved in, the door was no longer held for me. His kids are two unproductive human beings so I constantly told him that his life didn’t coorelate. He has taken a great deal from me and in looking back I gave him to much information on day one. I was in a very dark place after dating him but I’ve gained a large amount from this experience. The strange thing about a sociopath is that in the end they think you are still in love with them when I was just trying to gather information on his emptiness. I now actually feel sorry for him but from a distance because I couldn’t image not being able to feel all the wonderful things that I feel. What a horrible exist they live. So monters do exist. He always said that he had a wonderful monther. She was a single parent and they grew up in public housing. I think he was probably abused. Anyway, I could write a book about sociopaths but I really wish there was a public annoucement. I received so many gifts and beautiful bouquets that to me in the beginning it was actually creepy. I told my ex-husband I felt like he was breaking his neck to open doors for me…I guess what I was feeling is that it was natural. I do want a man to open doors for me….but his was diffent. Oh and he talked differently. I think a sociopath also gives you too much information because they are lying and they think this makes the lie more believable….it was always weird to me. Well that’s it and I all can say is go with your gut intinct. I apologize for any typos.
    PS…I’m a better me because of this…I still cry but what gets me through is I remember that person doesn’t exist and never did 😀

    1. Thanks for sharing your story Kim. They sure are an experience and will break your life so that you have no choice but to fix and heal you.

      We wanted love and a relationship. Yet came away with the equivalent of a degree in psychology.

      1. So I not only dated a sociopath, but I married him for 13.5 years.
        When we got together he was 29, broke, living in a studio apartment within walking distance to his job (he did have a job).
        I was a 38 y/o successful RN with a decent income and a brand new home.
        After 6 months of dating he moved in and we got engaged. But the money started pouring out the door. I now realize I was broke the minute he came into my life. He had never seen the kind of money I made before and half of his paychecks went to child support for a child in a previous marriage. I now ask – why I never saw the signs but I was taken by him, and the fun and partnership he brought to my life.

        We were married at the one year mark. he worked throughout the first 8 years of our marriage, but he was a minimalist. We had expensive tastes and liked nice vacations, nice electronics and he always wanted to have the newest and the best. He did his M-F 0700-1530 day job, and I did mine, except I also worked 12-24 hours on the weekend to always bring in extra money for the things we liked. He always wanted more, he wanted his own business so he didn’t have to work for anyone else – I think he really just didn’t want to work and wanted someone else to run his business (bar/restaurant). He had no experience and refused to work extra to learn the business.
        He was eventually fired by his long time job (hospital security) on my 50th birthday, that’s when I believe his downhill spiral started.
        He didn’t invest time into looking for work. He always said he didn’t see anything that sounded interesting. Mind you, at this point I was doing it all and I didn’t care if it was interested or not, he needed an income (we needed an income). He felt like he was contributing because he had an unemployment check coming in, but I had to send most of that to his first ex-wife for child support.
        After 7 months of him being lazy, coming to bed at 0300 in the morning after playing on his computer and sitting and watching TV when I got home from work, we decided that maybe if we moved and relocated he would have a fresh attempt at looking for work in another city.
        We packed up and moved from Washington state to Arizona. He had never felt what it was like to completely start over, so a big move it was.
        He arrived in Arizona 3 months before me and his only task was to locate a job and finish his last two classes for his bachelor degree. I arrived three months later, and because I was a nurse with a Grad degree, I already had a job waiting.
        with a month of me arriving to Arizona he took a job setting up retirements. It was a commission only job. Now because we are in a different state his unemployment ran out, and out income just seemed to get worse /tighter. He had a job, but lacked motivation and did not bring in an income. I again was working all week, plus 12-24 hours on the weekend, to keep the rent paid, gas in the cars, food on the table, but he still had expensive tastes and he also would not sacrifice his wants. He always had alcohol and he always wanted to eat in restaurants.
        After 8 months of no income he was fired from that job. Again I was doing it all, working, housekeeping, paying the bills and sacrificing and struggling.
        he went another 3 months without an income or trying to find work. I finally told him that he had three months to land a steady income or I was heading back to Washington. Message received. He landed a great job in university security.
        Now please understand there were a lot of fun times in our marriage, in the early years, great vacations, nice clothes, good friends. But I really got angry, when I had to do it all and he didn’t seem to care.
        After he got the university job, things seemed to start getting better, he was working fulltime, I was starting to put money away for a vacation, finally after the dry spell of no vacations for 4 years. Not lets also keep in mind, through all of this he never spent time finishing his last class that he needed for his bachelors in management degree – he had not worked on this last class for 3 years.
        But I was convinced that we were going to make it, things were looking up. He wanted a new car and since we had to drive an hour each way to work, we ended up getting new reliable cars and we moved out of the city.
        I always found a way to give him everything he wanted, I thought that’s what a successful marriage does, you work hard, and give to each other, and trying and make your partner happy.
        then the day came- he left for work as usual, and then there was the horrible knock on the door. It was the police, I opened the door to 14 shotguns in my face and a search warrant. My husband was arrested for 10 counts of child pornography. Now I know what he was always doing on the computer late at night while I slept.
        And to make matters worse he was cheating on me with one of my best friends. So long story short, I sacrificed and sacrificed to make him happy and he thanked me by cheating on me and doing something so deplorable as possession and sharing of child porn, of all ages. We are now divorced, he took a plea deal for 12 years in prison. I actually tried to stay friends with him, and I cant honestly tell you why, except that I felt sorry for him. He had a way of making me feel sorry for him. For the next year and half, his letters got more pitiful, meaner, sarcastic and he kept telling me how terrible I was for not visiting, and for not waiting for him. I just could live my future the way I lived my past. always doing it all and always broke.
        He is now in prison, laying on a bunk everyday, all day, and I am trying to recover my life. He left me with 60K in collections (that I am slowly cleaning up) and now he is threatening me (extortion). Basically he said in his last letter (I am now refusing his mail) if I give him $50K when he gets out of prison, he will walk away like he never knew me, no questions but if I make the wrong decision, and don’t give him the money he plans on spending the next 10 years in prison, figuring out ways to ruin me, financially, he will finds ways to eat up my retirement, and my house and he wont quit until I am homeless and on the streets just like he will be. His future is terrible (lifetime registered sex offender and life time probation), but he made bad choices, and I cant/wont fix him any longer.
        I do know if I need a restraining order or if I will need to move in my future. But I am now done with him. He cant tell me how terrible I am any longer, because he says he deserves a chance to makes this up to me and I will never respect or trust him again.
        I feel like god took him out of my life so I have a second chance to start over, and now I have to stop wondering why I was not enough for him.

      2. Hi Pat, thank you so much for your comment. I read it all, and could relate to so much of what you say. I can really empathise with how you are feeling right now. I even understand why, after all he did you felt sorry for him, and that you kept in contact with him in prison.

        I think your determination of who he is, is not far off the mark. I see signs of sociopathic behaviour. What you are describing now, about the threats towards you, is also classic behaviour.

        BREATH….. you can do this. This man likely worked hard on brainwashing you, which would have gone on for a very long time. It can be difficult, and confusing to move away swiftly from emotional abuse.

        I would advise you to look into the topics of trauma bonding and stockholm syndrome.

        I want you to remember, that YOU have the power here. He is locked up in Jail, and will be there for a considerable time. You now have an opportunity to rebuild your life. I don’t think that he should be sending you malicious, threatening communication from Jail. I would take this further. It is now time for you to reclaim your life.

        I know that it might be tempting to look back to the good times, and for the brain to filter out the bad. But this man has taken so much of your life, and he would continue to control you from a prison cell if you allow it.

        NO MORE.

        You can really do this. You have your qualifications and your career to fall back on. Please cut communication with him. And take action to ensure that his communication towards you, is also cut.

        At first this might be painful, as this man has groomed you for a considerable period of time. But it will be so worth it. It doesn’t matter how many years he had taken from you, what matters now is taking your own life back.

        Read back through this blog from the beginning. Starting in 2013, the posts are quite healing, my own work was in homeless sector, i wrote this to help other people, while he was still around in my life. I know when I finally did break free, posts on this site, did help me.

        I wish you so much health, recovery and healing. It wasn’t that you were not enough for him. He is disordered. He always has been. He always will be. Nothing will ever change that. I promise you, one day when you are fully free away from his threats, control and grooming, that you will look back and wonder how the hell that ever happened.

        Also, I wanted to tell you that you are an incredible woman. I too lived in a stunning brand new house when I met him. I also had a degree and a professional career. I let it all go. You didn’t. I cleared the debts, and am now trying to rebuild my life. I admire you, that you kept going, and you still have those stable foundations in your life.

        Time to rebuild with the foundations that you have in your life. It will be the best thing that you have ever done. Also, you will have wisdom that you did not have before, and spiritual growth, it has been a horrible journey. But you are free….. you can really do this.

  10. Thank you so much for the kind words, support and most importantly for sharing and listening. I will take your advice on all. I think my tenaciousness for survival came from my 21 years of time spent in the US Air Force, there is no quitting there, only courage and confidence.

    I have stopped his mail from delivery, and blocked the prison phone number, he is on his own now, every day is progress and rebuilding. I just wished I had recognized this all sooner. But I will succeed. I believe that God does not give you what you cant handle.

    thank you again, I will be following all your work here and learning from everyone.

    1. Keep going Pat. It is one day at a time you are incredibly strong and brave. You might not know it but the hardest part is over. You have done the right thing by blocking him from further contact.

  11. Hello everyone,
    I have been posting here a while ago, when i broke up with my ex sociopath. I had been with him for two years almost until I realized what was going on and then it took me a bit to get out of the relationship.
    Anyway, after 1.5 years I just met someone again who seems to be a great fit for me and who I’d consider dating. There were few people I had sex with or was casually dating throughout but this is the first guy that seems to have a lot in common with me and that I would consider having something more serious with.
    However, I would really appreciate some input or opinions on this!
    I have only known this person for 1.5 weeks.
    After the initial few days of pink glasses I am now worried that he might be another narc or sociopath in disguise as things seem to be almost „too good to be true“, just by the amount of things we agree on and the values we share and how attracted we already are to each other.
    So here‘s the rundown:
    I was on a dating site and matched with a guy who mentioned one of my picture with a „plant based“ clothing item, hence I asked is he plant based too. He said no he loves meat, but his friend who he is just visiting also is plantbased and very muscular. So since he was supposedly leaving town the next day anyway he gave me his friend‘s contact. He said he is a doctor and English/African heritage.
    I was intrigued and started messaging with his friend, who is the guy in question. The next morning we talked on the phone for 2 hours and another hour in the evening, also texting all day. Both of us telling each other things how we see the world and what’s important to us and we always agreed! Now I don’t have a lot of information on my dating profile, so I don’t think there’s a way for someone to study me like that online. We agreed on meeting that week. So after texting a lot for 6 days we finally meet up. I was nervous but lost most of the nerves when we were together and it just felt natural. After our small date out in the public we went home to his place where we talked and I did end up staying the night and we did have sex. However he apologized the next day, saying he hopes I didn’t feel rushed or forced, which I didn’t. Two days later I saw him again and we spent more time together eating out and going to the park, him coming over and having sex again. He also was pretty open about where he came from/what he does. His family is a wealthy family from Africa, he is about to be a doctor and he has 4 job offers. He gives me compliments and tells me I’m funny all the time. We laugh a lot, we are very open with each other, he is talking about possible future trips together. He said he is very picky with women and his dad told him he wouldn’t find one because he is so picky. He said friends always try to set him up with someone and he usually doesn’t like it but that his friend did a good job with connecting us.
    Now Because I’ve been scorned in the past and felt uneasy about the risk of getting involved with another sociopath I felt the urge to do a background check on him.
    Everything he said is true, except when I asked him for his last name he had told me his middle name. Also his age comes up as 3 years older than he said he is and his birthday also varies by a few days. Now i don’t know how accurate the background checks are and why he would lie about small things like that in the first place when everything else he said is clearly true!
    I do want to take things slow now to make sure I’m not falling head over heels, missing any possible signs.
    He says he is a very patient person, that his last girlfriend was over jealous and some of his girlfriends would get upset because he didn’t tell them what to do or what not to wear and because he wasn’t controlling like other guys. Of course this is only one side of the story and could also not be true..
    the way we met each other was so random and yet so perfect because everything seems to match between us. But now I am wondering if he could’ve set up the whole thing himself and „introduced me to himself“ with the disguise of being his friend from out of town?
    Obviously I haven’t known him for very long and I need to take more time with this and just take things slow. I generally have a good feeling when I’m with him, I don’t feel pressured into anything even though some things are moving fast. I am planning to hold off a little bit with more sex for now and see what he says.
    There are a few more details but this post is so long already and I really would love to hear what you guys think! Am I a Little over worried or would you see red flags in this? How should I proceed with this and how can I find out the truth about his name/birthdate without telling I did a background check?
    I love the support of this thread so much and once again am grateful for anybody who reads this and shares their opinion or advice!
    Much love,
    K

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