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Hi Positivagirl here is a copy of what I wrote:
AUGUST 12, 2017 AT 5:26 PM
Hi I wanted to share my story with a sociopath and deceptive narcissist I met 2 years ago and just recently cut off for good. This story is a bit long so bear with me, if you don’t mind. His name is Silas Kamara but when we first met he lied and told me his name was “Kamara Obegenwae”-he lied and said his last name was his first name and he completely fabricated a last name. I would later find out why he did this. I first met him When I was on my way from college class I had stopped to the store and picked up a few items. On my way to the bus stop I passed a guy who I initially thought was Jamaican because he had a really beautiful, tropical sounding accent . I walked to the bus stop and waited here for a few minutes and soon after the ” jamaican” guy came up behind me and asked me what time the bus was coming. I wasn’t really in a talkative mood so I told him I wasn’t sure and left it at that. However the guy started flirting with me, told me how beautiful I looked and asked me where I was on my way to. He and I began to talk more and I found out he was actually from Sierra Leone and we talked about astrology and traveling. I told him my birthday was January 3rd and that I’m a Capricorn and I found out he was a Virgo (Virgo men are my personal favorites and his birthday was September 5th). I already felt chemistry with him and after our bus came we talked and laughed on it like it was just the two of us and he asked could he walk me home. I said yes and I jokingly said he probably just wanted to find out where I live. He playfully said yes he did but little did I know it was actually serious. He walked me to my house we exchanged numbers and he called me when he got home and mentioned that he would be out of town for a couple weeks but as soon as he got back he wanted to take me out on a date. I said okay and we talked more over the next couple days. However on the second day of knowing him he called me that morning and told me that he was ” in love with me “. I laughed and told him he was a charmer but no one falls in love that fast. He restated that he was in love with me and complete seriousness and he told me that the reason why he felt the need to tell me was because he is a “romantic/sentimental type” and he felt he had known me forever. Obviously I didn’t take him seriously but odd behavior what set the tone for the remainder of our relationship. When he got back from his trip we met at the park by my house and talked for 2 hours when he asked can I come back to his house later (he lived in the same neighborhood as me) and he could cook dinner for me. I said okay and later on he returned and we walked to his house. I’m a dominatrix when it comes to kink and role-play so I asked him could I tie him up and he enthusiastically allowed me to do it to him. I pleasured him but I told him earlier that day that I wasn’t comfortable having sex with him just yet. However while he was still tied to the bed he had been so aroused that he said ” how are you going to do this to me?” meaning he felt that I had gotten him so turned on that I somehow owed him sex. I told him no because he also did not have a condom and even if I were going to change my mind I would not want to have sex without a condom because I do not want to get pregnant. I untied him and we made out for a bit and he started to give me a massage but then got on top of me and asked me “why I didn’t why trust him”. I told him it was nothing personal but that I just didn’t feel comfortable without a condom. However he persisted and begged me to let him have sex with me for “just 5 minutes” and he promised he would pull out. However 5 minutes became 20 minutes and he wound up nearly ejaculating inside of me. I was so scared and upset that I told him to take me home right then and there. I realized that what happened to me was not rape but I still felt like I had been coerced and pressured to having sex when I had no intention to do so. However I didn’t feel like I could confide in anyone and for the next two weeks I was so scared of getting pregnant so my period was delayed. Meanwhile Silas found a way to play the victim and ask why I stormed out when he wanted me to spend the night (we had never agreed to that) and he told me I owed him an apology. I told him I was scared so I didn’t owe him anything and he didn’t know how to take no for an answer. Eventually I forgave him but every time we met up he would try to find a way to try to coerce me into having unprotected sex (I never agreed to it again) and afterwards he would accuse me of “acting up” just because I wanted to be responsible with my body. I grew sick of his rude attitude and we stopped talking for a couple months however in January of 2016 we begin talking again and he would arrange to meet his house where we would have sex and he will cook for me afterwards. However I begin to notice this was a consistent pattern And he never would actually take me on dates. When I confronted her about this I asked him was he just using me for sex and if yes just to be honest about it (I have no problem having casual sex but he kept saying how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and felt that if he just wanted sex he should stop saying things like that and be honest.) however he told me the only reason why he hadn’t taken me out was because he had a low income job and had no time for money to take me anywhere special, or so he said. My intuition told me something wasn’t right and after doing some Google searches I found out that not only had he lied about not having a Facebook account, he lied about his name, and he was a novice pastor in his African congregation and ironically often gave sermons on abstinance and chasity (i’m not religious but I thought the hypocrisy was absurd). I also discovered that he frequently went on expensive outings and trips he paid for with various friends (even though he told me he never had money to go anywhere at the time). He lived a complete double life. About a month later Silas called me early in the morning because he ask could I come to his house that day and he said he had something he wanted to talk to me about and it was important. I told him that he could just tell me on the phone, however he said it was “big” and he needed to talk to me as soon as possible. I went to his house later that morning and he had made me a fruit platter and he asked me to come close to him so he could hold me and tell me what he wanted to talk to me about. I was nervous but I figured he was probably going to tell me that he was moving or something. He began by telling me that he’s been struggling with his job and his citizenship and he’s worried about losing his work permit legally and the only way to keep it is if he gets married. I felt a knot form in my stomach and then he proceeded to ask me if I could marry him so that he could legally keep his working visa. I was appalled and angry then I begin to cry and I told him that I felt used, and that what he wanted to do was illegal and that probably didn’t even realized how used and taken advantage of I felt. He quickly began to apologize and told me that he wanted to marry me anyway but he was waiting for the right time to ask in this situation was just the most convenient for him. He began to try to control me and coddle me and because of my vulnerable state we were intimate later (he knew how to push my buttons). However I told him no and I went home angry as I usually did with him. When I got home I began to ask myself why I put up with him when he always makes me so upset. One day a few weeks later while we were walking to his house a family friend who lived nearby had seen us and she called my dad and told him she was worried about me because the guy she saw me with (Silas) was, in her own words, a ” sexual predator and bad news”. She said she knew exactly who he was because he had propositioned her in the past and she also told me later on that she found out that he was under investigation for sexual assault on a woman close to my age and the best thing I could do is stay away from him for my own good. At first I thought it was a case of mistaken identity because Silas has shown me his background report from a work application when I confronted him on what my neighbor had told me about him, but then I thought that to how he had course pressure me into having sex with him the day we met and how he got on top of me and persisted that we do it and I began to have suspicions and worries. However we still maintained contact and he would always persist in asking me to marry him however towards the end of the year (December 2016) he told me that if I didn’t marry him he would find someone else to do it so he could keep his Visa. I told him that I had no intention on marrying him and I only believed in marrying for love. He insisted he loved me but I knew he was being deceptive and manipulative. In February of this year (2017) right before Valentine’s Day he had bought me a ring and formally proposed me with it. Admittedly I was flattered but I still refused his offer and reminded him that what he wanted to do was illegal. After that I didn’t hear from him for an entire month but one night I got a call from him and he was in a car talking and laughing with other people and he said he would call me again when he got home. Later on he revealed to me that he followed through with his plan to marry someone for his Visa and he paid a woman he had ust met the previous week to help him with his marriage scam. I can’t say I was surprised but then he asked could we still meet and have sex and that he still loved me and it was purely a marriage of convenience and that he was planning to divorce her after 10 months. Needless to say I was disgusted and I met up with him just so I could tell him off. He also told me that the woman he “married” already had a boyfriend which turned out to be another lie. She had a son and she looked old enough to be Silas’ mother. He would post pictures and social media the two of them on outings and dates (remember he had still been telling me that he did not have the money to take me out anywhere.) I felt awful because I realized I had merely been used for sex the entire time and while he tried to use me for marriage fraud and he successfully used his new “wife” for his schemes he still would take her to all the places he never took me (the only time we ever spent together was in his bed) and it made me feel awful. I felt like an unpaid prostitute for him all along, and what angered me is that if he only wanted casual sex he could have just been honest with me instead of feeding me lies and decieving me about so many things. He also kept changing his story because at first he said he and the woman were not romantically or sexually involved but then he said they were temporarily have been he changed his story again and said that they weren’t. I no longer believed a word he said. The last time I ever saw him was in July about a month ago he had come to my house crying in his car and apologizing because the woman he “married” would not sign over her assets to him and he was worried about losing his job because she wouldn’t sign all of the property papers. He had the audacity to ask me to sign a lease note one his apartment so he wouldn’t lose the room he rented out. Thoroughly disgusted, I told him I didn’t ever want to see him again and not to ever call me again. I found out that he and the woman are somehow on good terms, he still takes her everywhere and looks after her son, and I believe they now live together in a different County (possibly because his scam began to unravel and he was desperate for it to look legitimate or so he told me). I’m angry and hurt because I feel like I was used yet I gain nothing from it and all the things he should have done for me he does now for the other woman he scammed. I wish he would have never tried to get me emotionally involved because it could have saved me the heartache. If he would have just been about only wanting sex I would have happened to him but instead he played on my emotions and never once apologized for what he put me through. I feel its unfair because it seems like he gets to move on and be happy and do fun things and go on the all outings that he claimed he had no money for and he never paid for his deceit and lies and the marriage scam. He goes to his church and preaches to his congregation yet he has skeletons in his closet. He’s judgmental (he would often judge me for how I dress and say I’m inappropriate and “dress like a whore” right after having sex with me ironically). He would constantly make promises he never kept and pretends he’s so perfect and everyone falls for it. I’m just angry and trying to get over everything I went through with him. It’s hard each day I’m stronger and and make an effort move on.
Please don’t focus on him and what he is doing. This will hold you back. Focus on you. The love has been stripped from you. You sound like a beautiful kind loving person. Start pouring you. Into you. Remember each day that you are away you heal. Keep to no contact.
aww thank you so much Positivagirl 🙂 and I’ll definitely take your advice. I also find that keeping my loved ones close to me and doing things that empower myself as well as practicing self-love help as well. Thank you again and love&hugs ❤ xoxo
Sounds like you have this red lioness. Having a support network around you can help massively. Also knowing what empowers you. It sounds like you really do have this. You just have to do the ‘cold turkey’. Have you ever tried going on a diet or quitting smoking? Anything like that? You need to break the addiction. Otherwise you could be stuck forever. Pulled into the ‘good’ then spat out in a rage.. or your world turned upside down again. One step at a time. One day at a time.
PLEASE *SHARE* THIS PETITION TO GET THE WORD OUT!
SUPPORT A BILL TO THE SENATE TO MAKE NARCISSISM A CRIME PUNISHABLE BY “ALIMONY”, “REPARATIONS” AND “JAIL TIME”.
IN ORDER TO FOR THE SENATE TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY…SIGNATURES OF SUPPORTERS ARE NEEDED TO ACCOMPANY THIS BILL.
My ex is trying to come back around after two years. I’ve spent hours in therapy talking about what he did. It’s as if a part of me can’t remember all the bad stuff. I keep replaying the good stuff in my head. When he left me (suddenly, after texting me that morning that he loved me), he said, “I destroy people. That’s what I do.” I said, “Well, you’ve destroyed me.” He said, “This is nothing.” You’d think that would be enough that two years later I would ignore his messages to me. But I want to let him back in. I feel like an addict (thank you for your post ‘Take me to your dealer’) yearning for that drug. I’ve been praying so hard, and talking to my therapist and best friend about it, trying my hardest not to reply. In my mind though, I just want one more kiss. One more hug. To sleep next to him one more time. It’s torture.
Do what you will….but go into it with your eyes wide open!! He will come (and GO) as many times as you will let him. They do NOT change. Not for you…..not for anyone!! And he will DRAIN you every time. You will loose everything. So if you can afford that, (financially and emotionally) just take him back one more time.
You are right, Kate. I tried so many different ways to take mine back. I left him half a dozen times and he appeared to leave me twice, but what I realized is not only do they not change, no matter what sort of relationship it is, but he never really left me. They simply do not go away, ever! And every round of contact is draining because it always ends up in the same place. He tries to get me back where he wants me, I relax a bit because he’s consistent and acting more or less normal, then he starts the silent treatments, approach/avoid, chaos-causing behavior, I blow up and call him every name under the sun, and then I realize that what he wants is the attention. It doesn’t matter what form it takes. As they say, the only way to deal with these types is to completely ignore them, but that’s easier said than done.
My ex is trying to come back around after two years. I’ve spent hours in therapy talking about what he did. It’s as if a part of me can’t remember all the bad stuff. I keep replaying the good stuff in my head. When he left me (suddenly, after texting me that morning that he loved me), he said, “I destroy people. That’s what I do.” I said, “Well, you’ve destroyed me.” He said, “This is nothing.” You’d think that would be enough that two years later I would ignore his messages to me. But I want to let him back in. I feel like an addict (thank you for your post ‘Take me to your dealer’) yearning for that drug. I’ve been praying so hard, and talking to my therapist and best friend about it, trying my hardest not to reply. In my mind though, I just want one more kiss. One more hug. To sleep next to him one more time. It’s torture.
I’m really grateful to find your website. I just got out from a toxic relationship which I start to think he is most likely a sociopath after leaving him.
He is a colleague and I just moved to this new place. I was lonely and in need of company and love. He is married. However he kept coming after me telling me how unhappy he is in his marriage. He says that he loves me and he wants to protect me and provide me with everything that I ever wanted. He wants to give me a family. He also told me about all his affairs which amounting up to 7 or 8 because he is unhappy with his marriage. However he is hitting hard on me asking me to marry him and he moved into my house really fast. I was so happy to meet someone who really knows me as we have similar interest. I then sacrifice myself by being his sexual partner (which he is very much addicted and having a big appetite for sex), being his maid, cook, financial advisor and his mum. He lavished me with gifts. He loves to have me worshipping him and being his biggest fan. He did request a divorce from his wife however when I was not around because of work he will travel to ask his wife to stay. I was so insecure because somehow my gut is telling me that he will not have chosen me over his wife and true enough I found out they were together despite him asking a divorce from her. During a confrontation between me and him and his wife, he made a chose to stay with his wife. I was very hurt however the next day he came to me begging me to stay however telling me I’m not to tell his wife. I refuse to be together with him. From time to time he will tell me he misses me and he loves me, asking for sexual favours which I refused. 2 weeks after leaving him, he found a reason and came to my house and rape me. I was left really broken and sad. When I confronted him about his act, he was not remorseful and he told me that I am overthinking things and I should get on with my life. When I asked him what is he trying to achieve by asking me to stay, I realised that he has no plans at all. He will paint a really nice future with me however I also do know he will paint a similar picture with his wife. When I confronted him about it, he says he can go both ways and he has not made up his mind who he wants. I told him I will make the decision for him by leaving him. After the rape, because he saw that I was really hurt he stopped coming after me. But that is because he has a big project at work. At work he is a very competitive person who always loves to win and he is very charming to the bosses. He is very demanding and he wants me all to himself. He is unhappy when I have my own life. He is unhappy because I told him that I will never put him 1st.
I really do hope I can come out from this stronger and you are a big encouragement to me.
Thank you Bunny. One day at a time. Focus on you. Love you.
It has been two years since you wrote this. I am wondering where that relationship is today. I went through this exact same thing and can relate. I hope you are out of that mess and doing well in life now.
My ex shares so many narc qualities but I’m still really confused if he is just callous or he truly is a sociopath. I would really appreciate someone taking the time to ready my story and give me your thoughts (without judgement please).
When I met him I had just come out of a long term relationship and he seemed really fun an easy to be around. I knew he was seeing other women as he referenced it frequently, was out every weekend in bars and strip clubs and even threw an empty box of condoms at me after the first time we had been intimate. None of this bothered me because all I was in for was casual. It was at the eight month point that I learned he was engaged and shortly getting married and this again didn’t bother me since I was in a string of girls and didn’t see this as long term. I actually found it comforting that I could leave at any point.
Well you all know how it goes, feelings form and all of a sudden you are in this love vortex and have no idea how you got there but it feels wonderful. I stopped asking about his life because it was too painful to hear the details and was with him on and off for six years..
Things about him
– He told me he came from a military background in some type of intelligence unit, so when I asked about his past he often told me he could not say and that he was so used to lying about it that he couldn’t remember what was true
– The stories he would tell me about his military past always involved the bad decisions he had to make and the lives he sacrificed. How he carried this weight around with him (was this evoking pity?) He told me that he used sex with women (other than his wife) to feel better about this lingering guilt.
– He is very charming and witty but he has lots of family and long term friends.
– He owns his own company and has been steadily building it for 5 plus years
– He told me that I was his one true love and constantly showered me with time and affection. This never stopped and I never got any rage or criticizing
– He always talked about when we would eventually get married but I would brush this off or shut him down
– He constantly tried to make me jealous, at first with other girls he was screwing and later with girls that he claimed not to be screwing but were in his life (but never with his wife)
– the only time we ever really fought is when I would end things because I didn’t want to be the other woman but after a couple of months he’d call and catch me at a weak moment and we start off as friends and things would heat up. He would always recount how horrific those months without me were
– My final straw was that in the last 2 years he told me that he had changed, he was done cheating on his wife and that I “didn’t count”. He wasn’t interested in other girls and that I had helped to change him. I had huge trust issues in general but we had a talk and I told him I would not hold him accountable for his past and that we would work on building trust. I found out he had been dating another girl for 5 months. I immediately went no contact. He showed up at my work and I told him that he should never contact me and is dead to me and then blocked him from everything.
The thing is I am not hurt or sad. I feel fooled and angry for trusting this person but I just can’t determine if he is a sociopath or just a pathological cheater/womanizer.
It does not matter what he is. The truth is he is a dirt bag who treated you wrong. Who took your trust and abused it. You can do so much better.
I’m so grateful for this website. It is making so many things clear form and… admittedly… also freak out a bit.
I found the website as I am finally starting to say goodbye to a fling with a psychopath (1 month good, 1 month bad) that was back in August last year (!!!) and I need to find reassurance. Long story, sorry.
I’m a gay man and the person in question was an allegedly bisexual man, highly performing at work and who openly told me about having taken part in group beatings as a teenager. Furthermore, he even uttered the sentence “a hole is a hole” concerning his bisexuality. How could I not have run away instantly? This is my NUMBER ONE question to myself and the thing for which I have to forgive myself. I was weak at the time.
What happened for me to cling onto him was that once, as we were having sex (of course me as the receiver because he would never have allowed me to take control), the condom broke and he ejaculated inside of me. I’m telling myself now that he obviously manipulated it for it to break. After that, he sort of forced me to let him penetrate me without a condom (“just the tip” which he had conveniently lubricated already) and I gave in in the end.
As I had started to notice his suspicious behaviour, I became afraid of him being a promiscuous bastard as all psychopaths are, so I comforted myself by trying to see what he WAS a good person. But he wasn’t. He ridiculed me, made fun of my body, made me feel worthless and yet there I was. Stockholm syndrome if you wish. I had to wait four weeks to get tested and fortunately everything came out negative. After this I was ready to let him go. However, he reappeared and there’s no need to tell how I fell back into the trap… But this time, I wrote to him “goodbye” after he rejected my attempt to see him for the third time.
Well, it turns out now, 5 months later, that he did infect me with something. Warts, to be precise. When I found this out, I wanted to contact him and let him know. Inform in a friendly manner. But obviously, this was a trick for me to feel the rush of receiving an answer from him. Thankfully, someone close to me told me that he would turn it around and say that I gave it to him instead. So I refrained. And I now recur to this forum.
What is crazy as I read this is that I realise that the “crazy” ex-boyfriend whom I broke up with in January last year was a clear psychopath, though with more narcissistic traits. This thought makes it even more frustrating because: why did I fall for an even scarier beast after finally being able to break free from the previous one??
I’ve learnt now at least exactly what to look out for and I’m sure I’ll come out stronger once that devil is completely gone from my body.
I’ve lost all hope in men and see everyone with suspicion now! But that may ultimately be better than naivety.
Thank you reading :-*
I forgot to mention that he probably filmed us during sex too, which is what worries me the most! And I’m aware that I won’t be able to do anything about it…
Hi i am pleased that you found us. It sounds like you might benefit from some time alone to love and cherish you. Bad people are out there. But not everybody is bad.
It has been 2 1/2 years since I ended all contact with my ex-nightmare. His house that we shared was foreclosed on and from what I can tell he has moved an hour and a half’s drive away. Finally, I felt like I was freed of worrying about him turning up where I might be. Boy, was I wrong. At least once a month, he turns up in a local watering hole where I meet friends. I know deep down he does this to continue to have control over me, even if it’s indirectly. The friends he “needs” to visit are my friends and they know not to discuss my life, but they share what he’s up to, and as we’d expect, he’s off to his next victim. Same lines, same story, I’m so glad he’s out of my life, but because of what he did to me, I’m still alone. I’ve told my friends that I don’t want to know anymore, but I feel like this will truly never end and I’ll never be able to have a normal relationship…
You will get there Susan. One day you will wake up and not care anymore. I thought I’d never get there either but I have. I can finally hear from him and not jump to attention and not get angry either. Indifference is your friend!
Thank you, Valerie! I’m so, so much better off, in so many ways. I know that my life, even alone, is better without this twisted person in it. I see what he’s doing. I see that he needs to come back to let everyone know how “great” he’s doing because he knows it will get to me. I’m just so tired of the game, and I just want to be left alone to get on with my life. Moments like what happened this past weekend are much fewer and farther between, and I think our healing is more circular…we revisit the pain and the hurt, but spend less time and feel it less acutely ever time we pass.
Hi Susan Your life alone is definitely better without him in it, and you won’t be alone forever! I agree that the healing is circular and eventually the pain passes. Two steps forward, one step back.
Today is the five year anniversary of my awakening and the end of my relationship with the sociopath. While I’m aware of the date and still feel anger and pain, I’m proud of myself and the life I’ve built. I have a great job that I enjoy and am in a relationship with someone who is willing to help me sort out what still nags at me, and may always. This site has been a huge support in that journey and I’m so grateful for you all! I’ve maintained no contact, and I promise that it helps the healing process to do so. I’m living proof that wherever you are now in your journey, there are better days ahead. Keep pointing yourselves in that direction and believe. Peace and much love to you all!
Hi Susan. Thank you so much for your feedback and to let us know how things are going in your life today. It also hit five years this year that he left my city and I was finally free. It sounds like you have done a lot of work on yourself and to rebuild yourself and life. Well done. Keep smiling and being happy 🙂 your positive message will help others I am sure.
I have switched from reliving the most awful day of my life to celebrating the birth of the person I am today. I remember the night I found this site and realized that I was not alone, and if I can give someone else hope, I would be honored by that!
After 20 years of being married to a psychopath, and now 35 years DIVORCED and RECOVERED from that nightmare…..I am just now learning that I AM NOT ALONE!!
And NOW……I am just now realizing that my daughter might just be a psychopath too!! She and he are very close and I’m the “Bad Wife/Mom” and I will always LOVE my daughter and 3 grandchildren….but I’m so much better off when I don’t hear from my daughter.
Being an only child, she expects to inherit everything I have…..(NOT gonna happen……I’ve already make the legal changes). But she dangles pictures of the grandchildren in front of me like a carrot just to see if I’m still alive! I don’t know what she has told them, but they are afraid to communicate with me. And I hesitate to try to communicate with them for fear they will suffer consequences….maybe because they might accidentally tell me something the aren’t suppose to divulge.
Psychopaths are LIARS……and will damage even their own children.
You and I might perhaps be around the same age. As all stories on this site, every single one, it appears, affects the readers, pretty much the same ways bc narc/soc/psypaths, create pretty much the same scenarios across ages, genders, time with their “victims”, us the “empaths” or whatever we want to call them/us, as collectively agreed upon terms perhaps bc it IS important and pertinent as more and more are waking up to this “silent killer” bc well, it’s the 21st century now. The whole “atmosphere” of the world these days, feels more and more ominous; more “rumbly”.
I have a similar story with my n/s/p and how it ended as yours…..with he after about the same length time as you and yours, 22 years, 2 daughters, how he took it, unbelievable but yet not, how he took to similar “bad mother/wife” crap. The slow ever increasing inflating of tactics, techniques, etc etc etc, used by these abusers, wreaking the serious turmoil and devastation it/they cause to whomever and how ever many.
I stayed. I have to be held accountable for that.
It is a slow progression. Nevertheless, progression.
Your post is about a year old. I do not know if you will see my post here but if you do, please hit me up (hmu) through email. I would love to connect with you…..
Hi, yes I can see this comment. I do still manage this website, twitter account, facebook. And do write articles here still sometimes.
Hello…I didn’t truly understand what a sociopath was. There were immediate red flags from the very beginning. I had recently gone through a divorce so when I mention the signs (red flags) which to someone who hasn’t delt with a sociopath seem very subtle.
It’s been ten years since I first met him and I guess I started feeling like myself again approximately a 1 1/2 ago. While in it, I felt like someone performed a war tactic on me. I pay very close attention to detail and am a very good judge of character so I was constantly questioning some of the tihings that he told me but I loved him. I was tring to also prove to others around me that I was over my ex-husband and which I was. Also perople around me called me picky. After going through all that I have been through. they can call me whatever. I am going with my gut from now on.
When it was finally over the gaslighting really kicked in. I thought that him staying involved with people in his past was weird but didn’t make any waves about it because he was so convincing that he just cared about people. One of the big things that I noticed was that he also seemed to be attracted to me. You know how you feel when you are with a man and you can feel him checking out another women, well he gave me that feeling around men. Also to me he sometimes had a boyish behavior. My ex was a police officer and could drive really good. The sociopath seem to have night vision probelms. He had so many of the traits. But as I read information, if he was never diagnosed or if he does eventually get tested and they same he isn’t a sociopath, he is not someone that I would want to be with or be around because he is a horrible human being.
Towards the end we disussed getting back together because I loved him so much. Economically I thought it would be feasible because we were both struggling and after all, I thought we were gonna be together for ever. I went to his home unexpectly and he was alread dating another woman. Long story short he told her in front of me that he wanted to be with me but that was because I have a job. I walked out of his house and was thinking to myself that he could do the same thing to me.
Long story short I moved in with him and cried from day one because once I was in the house I realized something was off with this guy. I cried for the entire 8 months I was there but from day one my goal was to get out. Once I moved back home, I googled why would this person stopy answer my phone calls when we first got togehter he smothered me to death with gifts and calls and that when I discovered I had been love bombed. I think after two months in the beginning of the relationship I said I hope he looks at me the way he ws looking at me then but in looking back it was those empty eyes. I realized the horrible things he would tell me were really horrible things that he had done (and for some creepy reason felt that way when he was saying them). I am very intune with my feelings and he was able to get away with it because I wanted it so bad. I read everything I could about sociopaths and could now probable teach a class on it. The maticulous dresser and clean person didn’t exist. Once I moved in, the door was no longer held for me. His kids are two unproductive human beings so I constantly told him that his life didn’t coorelate. He has taken a great deal from me and in looking back I gave him to much information on day one. I was in a very dark place after dating him but I’ve gained a large amount from this experience. The strange thing about a sociopath is that in the end they think you are still in love with them when I was just trying to gather information on his emptiness. I now actually feel sorry for him but from a distance because I couldn’t image not being able to feel all the wonderful things that I feel. What a horrible exist they live. So monters do exist. He always said that he had a wonderful monther. She was a single parent and they grew up in public housing. I think he was probably abused. Anyway, I could write a book about sociopaths but I really wish there was a public annoucement. I received so many gifts and beautiful bouquets that to me in the beginning it was actually creepy. I told my ex-husband I felt like he was breaking his neck to open doors for me…I guess what I was feeling is that it was natural. I do want a man to open doors for me….but his was diffent. Oh and he talked differently. I think a sociopath also gives you too much information because they are lying and they think this makes the lie more believable….it was always weird to me. Well that’s it and I all can say is go with your gut intinct. I apologize for any typos.
PS…I’m a better me because of this…I still cry but what gets me through is I remember that person doesn’t exist and never did 😀
Thanks for sharing your story Kim. They sure are an experience and will break your life so that you have no choice but to fix and heal you.
We wanted love and a relationship. Yet came away with the equivalent of a degree in psychology.
So I not only dated a sociopath, but I married him for 13.5 years.
When we got together he was 29, broke, living in a studio apartment within walking distance to his job (he did have a job).
I was a 38 y/o successful RN with a decent income and a brand new home.
After 6 months of dating he moved in and we got engaged. But the money started pouring out the door. I now realize I was broke the minute he came into my life. He had never seen the kind of money I made before and half of his paychecks went to child support for a child in a previous marriage. I now ask – why I never saw the signs but I was taken by him, and the fun and partnership he brought to my life.
We were married at the one year mark. he worked throughout the first 8 years of our marriage, but he was a minimalist. We had expensive tastes and liked nice vacations, nice electronics and he always wanted to have the newest and the best. He did his M-F 0700-1530 day job, and I did mine, except I also worked 12-24 hours on the weekend to always bring in extra money for the things we liked. He always wanted more, he wanted his own business so he didn’t have to work for anyone else – I think he really just didn’t want to work and wanted someone else to run his business (bar/restaurant). He had no experience and refused to work extra to learn the business.
He was eventually fired by his long time job (hospital security) on my 50th birthday, that’s when I believe his downhill spiral started.
He didn’t invest time into looking for work. He always said he didn’t see anything that sounded interesting. Mind you, at this point I was doing it all and I didn’t care if it was interested or not, he needed an income (we needed an income). He felt like he was contributing because he had an unemployment check coming in, but I had to send most of that to his first ex-wife for child support.
After 7 months of him being lazy, coming to bed at 0300 in the morning after playing on his computer and sitting and watching TV when I got home from work, we decided that maybe if we moved and relocated he would have a fresh attempt at looking for work in another city.
We packed up and moved from Washington state to Arizona. He had never felt what it was like to completely start over, so a big move it was.
He arrived in Arizona 3 months before me and his only task was to locate a job and finish his last two classes for his bachelor degree. I arrived three months later, and because I was a nurse with a Grad degree, I already had a job waiting.
with a month of me arriving to Arizona he took a job setting up retirements. It was a commission only job. Now because we are in a different state his unemployment ran out, and out income just seemed to get worse /tighter. He had a job, but lacked motivation and did not bring in an income. I again was working all week, plus 12-24 hours on the weekend, to keep the rent paid, gas in the cars, food on the table, but he still had expensive tastes and he also would not sacrifice his wants. He always had alcohol and he always wanted to eat in restaurants.
After 8 months of no income he was fired from that job. Again I was doing it all, working, housekeeping, paying the bills and sacrificing and struggling.
he went another 3 months without an income or trying to find work. I finally told him that he had three months to land a steady income or I was heading back to Washington. Message received. He landed a great job in university security.
Now please understand there were a lot of fun times in our marriage, in the early years, great vacations, nice clothes, good friends. But I really got angry, when I had to do it all and he didn’t seem to care.
After he got the university job, things seemed to start getting better, he was working fulltime, I was starting to put money away for a vacation, finally after the dry spell of no vacations for 4 years. Not lets also keep in mind, through all of this he never spent time finishing his last class that he needed for his bachelors in management degree – he had not worked on this last class for 3 years.
But I was convinced that we were going to make it, things were looking up. He wanted a new car and since we had to drive an hour each way to work, we ended up getting new reliable cars and we moved out of the city.
I always found a way to give him everything he wanted, I thought that’s what a successful marriage does, you work hard, and give to each other, and trying and make your partner happy.
then the day came- he left for work as usual, and then there was the horrible knock on the door. It was the police, I opened the door to 14 shotguns in my face and a search warrant. My husband was arrested for 10 counts of child pornography. Now I know what he was always doing on the computer late at night while I slept.
And to make matters worse he was cheating on me with one of my best friends. So long story short, I sacrificed and sacrificed to make him happy and he thanked me by cheating on me and doing something so deplorable as possession and sharing of child porn, of all ages. We are now divorced, he took a plea deal for 12 years in prison. I actually tried to stay friends with him, and I cant honestly tell you why, except that I felt sorry for him. He had a way of making me feel sorry for him. For the next year and half, his letters got more pitiful, meaner, sarcastic and he kept telling me how terrible I was for not visiting, and for not waiting for him. I just could live my future the way I lived my past. always doing it all and always broke.
He is now in prison, laying on a bunk everyday, all day, and I am trying to recover my life. He left me with 60K in collections (that I am slowly cleaning up) and now he is threatening me (extortion). Basically he said in his last letter (I am now refusing his mail) if I give him $50K when he gets out of prison, he will walk away like he never knew me, no questions but if I make the wrong decision, and don’t give him the money he plans on spending the next 10 years in prison, figuring out ways to ruin me, financially, he will finds ways to eat up my retirement, and my house and he wont quit until I am homeless and on the streets just like he will be. His future is terrible (lifetime registered sex offender and life time probation), but he made bad choices, and I cant/wont fix him any longer.
I do know if I need a restraining order or if I will need to move in my future. But I am now done with him. He cant tell me how terrible I am any longer, because he says he deserves a chance to makes this up to me and I will never respect or trust him again.
I feel like god took him out of my life so I have a second chance to start over, and now I have to stop wondering why I was not enough for him.
Hi Pat, thank you so much for your comment. I read it all, and could relate to so much of what you say. I can really empathise with how you are feeling right now. I even understand why, after all he did you felt sorry for him, and that you kept in contact with him in prison.
I think your determination of who he is, is not far off the mark. I see signs of sociopathic behaviour. What you are describing now, about the threats towards you, is also classic behaviour.
BREATH….. you can do this. This man likely worked hard on brainwashing you, which would have gone on for a very long time. It can be difficult, and confusing to move away swiftly from emotional abuse.
I would advise you to look into the topics of trauma bonding and stockholm syndrome.
I want you to remember, that YOU have the power here. He is locked up in Jail, and will be there for a considerable time. You now have an opportunity to rebuild your life. I don’t think that he should be sending you malicious, threatening communication from Jail. I would take this further. It is now time for you to reclaim your life.
I know that it might be tempting to look back to the good times, and for the brain to filter out the bad. But this man has taken so much of your life, and he would continue to control you from a prison cell if you allow it.
You can really do this. You have your qualifications and your career to fall back on. Please cut communication with him. And take action to ensure that his communication towards you, is also cut.
At first this might be painful, as this man has groomed you for a considerable period of time. But it will be so worth it. It doesn’t matter how many years he had taken from you, what matters now is taking your own life back.
Read back through this blog from the beginning. Starting in 2013, the posts are quite healing, my own work was in homeless sector, i wrote this to help other people, while he was still around in my life. I know when I finally did break free, posts on this site, did help me.
I wish you so much health, recovery and healing. It wasn’t that you were not enough for him. He is disordered. He always has been. He always will be. Nothing will ever change that. I promise you, one day when you are fully free away from his threats, control and grooming, that you will look back and wonder how the hell that ever happened.
Also, I wanted to tell you that you are an incredible woman. I too lived in a stunning brand new house when I met him. I also had a degree and a professional career. I let it all go. You didn’t. I cleared the debts, and am now trying to rebuild my life. I admire you, that you kept going, and you still have those stable foundations in your life.
Time to rebuild with the foundations that you have in your life. It will be the best thing that you have ever done. Also, you will have wisdom that you did not have before, and spiritual growth, it has been a horrible journey. But you are free….. you can really do this.
Thank you so much for the kind words, support and most importantly for sharing and listening. I will take your advice on all. I think my tenaciousness for survival came from my 21 years of time spent in the US Air Force, there is no quitting there, only courage and confidence.
I have stopped his mail from delivery, and blocked the prison phone number, he is on his own now, every day is progress and rebuilding. I just wished I had recognized this all sooner. But I will succeed. I believe that God does not give you what you cant handle.
thank you again, I will be following all your work here and learning from everyone.
Keep going Pat. It is one day at a time you are incredibly strong and brave. You might not know it but the hardest part is over. You have done the right thing by blocking him from further contact.
I have been posting here a while ago, when i broke up with my ex sociopath. I had been with him for two years almost until I realized what was going on and then it took me a bit to get out of the relationship.
Anyway, after 1.5 years I just met someone again who seems to be a great fit for me and who I’d consider dating. There were few people I had sex with or was casually dating throughout but this is the first guy that seems to have a lot in common with me and that I would consider having something more serious with.
However, I would really appreciate some input or opinions on this!
I have only known this person for 1.5 weeks.
After the initial few days of pink glasses I am now worried that he might be another narc or sociopath in disguise as things seem to be almost „too good to be true“, just by the amount of things we agree on and the values we share and how attracted we already are to each other.
So here‘s the rundown:
I was on a dating site and matched with a guy who mentioned one of my picture with a „plant based“ clothing item, hence I asked is he plant based too. He said no he loves meat, but his friend who he is just visiting also is plantbased and very muscular. So since he was supposedly leaving town the next day anyway he gave me his friend‘s contact. He said he is a doctor and English/African heritage.
I was intrigued and started messaging with his friend, who is the guy in question. The next morning we talked on the phone for 2 hours and another hour in the evening, also texting all day. Both of us telling each other things how we see the world and what’s important to us and we always agreed! Now I don’t have a lot of information on my dating profile, so I don’t think there’s a way for someone to study me like that online. We agreed on meeting that week. So after texting a lot for 6 days we finally meet up. I was nervous but lost most of the nerves when we were together and it just felt natural. After our small date out in the public we went home to his place where we talked and I did end up staying the night and we did have sex. However he apologized the next day, saying he hopes I didn’t feel rushed or forced, which I didn’t. Two days later I saw him again and we spent more time together eating out and going to the park, him coming over and having sex again. He also was pretty open about where he came from/what he does. His family is a wealthy family from Africa, he is about to be a doctor and he has 4 job offers. He gives me compliments and tells me I’m funny all the time. We laugh a lot, we are very open with each other, he is talking about possible future trips together. He said he is very picky with women and his dad told him he wouldn’t find one because he is so picky. He said friends always try to set him up with someone and he usually doesn’t like it but that his friend did a good job with connecting us.
Now Because I’ve been scorned in the past and felt uneasy about the risk of getting involved with another sociopath I felt the urge to do a background check on him.
Everything he said is true, except when I asked him for his last name he had told me his middle name. Also his age comes up as 3 years older than he said he is and his birthday also varies by a few days. Now i don’t know how accurate the background checks are and why he would lie about small things like that in the first place when everything else he said is clearly true!
I do want to take things slow now to make sure I’m not falling head over heels, missing any possible signs.
He says he is a very patient person, that his last girlfriend was over jealous and some of his girlfriends would get upset because he didn’t tell them what to do or what not to wear and because he wasn’t controlling like other guys. Of course this is only one side of the story and could also not be true..
the way we met each other was so random and yet so perfect because everything seems to match between us. But now I am wondering if he could’ve set up the whole thing himself and „introduced me to himself“ with the disguise of being his friend from out of town?
Obviously I haven’t known him for very long and I need to take more time with this and just take things slow. I generally have a good feeling when I’m with him, I don’t feel pressured into anything even though some things are moving fast. I am planning to hold off a little bit with more sex for now and see what he says.
There are a few more details but this post is so long already and I really would love to hear what you guys think! Am I a Little over worried or would you see red flags in this? How should I proceed with this and how can I find out the truth about his name/birthdate without telling I did a background check?
I love the support of this thread so much and once again am grateful for anybody who reads this and shares their opinion or advice!
My boyfriend is a sociopath
Hi Vickie does he have a diagnosis or is this something you identify with? Are you thinking about leaving?
I am convinced that my precious daughter, at 13, was dating a sociopath. I am afraid that she has deep scars from this and I am making her (against her will) see a counselor beginning next week. I have shared this blog with her to see if she can simply gain some insight. Being a former educator with additional counseling classes, I knew something “just was not right” from the beginning! “John” checked out great on paper, straight A’s, honors classes, etc., but I could tell immediately that he was like a chameleon, conforming to whoever he was with. He told me “all the right things” and quickly had “Betty” in love…hook, line, and sinker! I was very leery of him, but ignored my intuition (sadly). I asked about talking to his mother and maybe meeting her for lunch one day, and he quickly said… oh you do not want to meet my mom, she is a psyco atheist (knowing we were strong in our faith in God. I simply said I was not judgemental, which threw him off track, but he insisted on not giving me her number making one excuse after another. Convincing myself that maybe the mom just didn’t know about the relationship, I just chalked it up to being a teen (he is 15) and excused this “lie”! After “Betty” told him that she had anxiety at night, he quickly offered to leave their phones on facetime all night, so that my daughter could reach out to him if she needed anything during the night or was worried about anything (her hero) However, when she wanted to spend the night with friends, he would remind her that she could not sleep without being on facetime w him and she would tell me she just wanted to stay home. Once the social butterfly, Betty was trapped and felt like nothing but him made her happy. I would try and try to talk to her, but it was like talking to a tree!!! Once he had her wrapped, he started cheating on her, he would say he was sorry, he loved her more than anything, remind her that only he made her happy and that she could not live without him. She would take him back, he would continue to lie, fain illness for sympathy, said his stepdad beat him. etc. Basically, anything to get her back (he even had me feeling sorry for him). He cheated on her 3 times, sending nudes to other girls and telling them all of the same things he said to betty! She would always take him back and forget the bad focusing on how happy he made her on a day to day basis. He got her a necklace with his name on it and made her promise to never take it off! He said he never got any Christmas or Birthday gifts and of course we made up for that by spending over 500 between the 2 days!!! Finally I got a chance to meet with the mom, she was concerned that they were moving and wanted to let me know. She told me that “John” had been talking to another girl sometimes at night (some nights he would “accidentally” fall asleep and I knew that was a lie! She wondered if he and Ally had broken up…I told her about the cheating and some of the “lies” that I suspected. She said she was not an atheist, his step dad was literally nothing but good to John even though Owen hated him, He literally got over 1000.00 worth of presents and so many other lies. She said it was all “attention seeking” behavior since she and his dad split up. I told her he needed counseling, she and the dad really needed to gain control back but that he is forbidden to talk to my daughter, or a restraining order will be placed. On top of all of this, I found out that they had sex on many occasions without me knowing and that he had a “porn Problem” Needless to say, as a mom, I am crushed to know that my daughter has been through all of this at such an early age, I can’t take it back, but hopefully we can MOVE ON!!!! How does a person do this kind of thing and at such an early age!!! I am still filled with anger, but trying to take it day by day. I am thinking of seeing a counselor too. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for letting them date and not putting an end to it sooner!
Hi Alexa, how old is he? A diagnosis wouldn’t be given to someone prior to the age of 18. Although they could be diagnosed with conduct disorder. How old is your daughter now? Maybe you seeing a counsellor could be beneficial to work through how you are feeling. What has happened is not your fault, although it is a normal parental response to feel that it is. I couldn’t say whether he is a sociopath, as I don’t know him and he is young.
She is 13 and he is 15.
He definitely has tendencies/characteristics as described in your blog and I did not know that people could actually be labeled a sociopath. He def has attention seeking behavior and I hope he gets help.
Moderator – can i please take my name on the above off the post, I didn’t know it would be shown publically, please? Call me Dorabella instead, or anything, thank you.
Am so sorry it has taken me so long. As I am on my phone I couldn’t amend your name like I would have liked. I have deleted your comment.
My abuser is not a diagnosed sociopath but just from reading the comments and reading the traits of a sociopath; I am almost certain he is one. I’ve been with my abuser for 4 and a half years. We were friends for 5 years prior. He began pursuing me whilst I was already in a commited relationship. During our relationship, I was naive and thought that this man was the one for me. He seemed too perfect. He began telling me of his horrible ex gfs and how they all cheated on him. However in the beginning of the relationship he still kept in contact with his “horrible ex gf”. I was uncomfortable with it but kept assuring myself that is was harmless until she started attacking me on social media. It was then that he decided to cut all contact with her, or so I thought. My relationship was filled with so much physical and mental abuse, it started at least 9 months into the relationship. In the beginning he was sorry and said he would seek counseling….I believed him. However, he never seeked couseling. His excuse was that his job would find out. He worked in law enforcement…part time. He did not want to pursue a full time position because he enjoyed the freedom of a part time position. After much persistance from me, he finally pursued a full time position; 3 years later. As the years gone by and more abuse came, he began telling me that he will no longer seek counseling because he felt like it didn’t work. So my only option was to accept him for who he is and to take the beating. All of our arguments began because I found out that he’s been keeping secrets from me and his inability to be faithful to me. He cheated on my physically 2x in our 4 year relationship. Two week prior to our breakup, I found an SD card that was filled with porn and countless of pictures of his “horrible ex gfs.” His excuse was that I wasn’t fulfilling his needs. He broke the SD card and said it was his last time to ever hurt me like that. He had these files saved during our entire relationship! A week after that incident, more pictures began to resurface. He had another file saved somewhere! I remember crying…alot..during our whole relationship…and he felt no remorse..no empathy. Not one “I’m sorry”, instead he told me that I didn’t deserve him or he was oblivious to the fact that I was crying inconsolably. Our entire relationship he gaslighted me. One example; when I found the pictures, he made me believe that it might have resurfaced after he deleted it? Like the phone glitched. That phone is synced to other devices and he was able to retrieve the pictures via Google Images. I didn’t find this out until after we broke up when I had confided in my friend about it. He made me feel stupid all the time, telling me that I’m getting older and my memory is horrible. Or he would say something and completely deny ever saying it even if I had proof. He even had multiple of email accounts; plenty were used to have another identity on social media and engage in pornographic sites. I did not know this until the day we broke things off. During our relationship he made me lose all contact with my friends..my family. His excuse was that he wanted to keep me all to himself. During our last argument he began punching my head while we were driving after he attempted to bump me with my own vehicle. It was then that I finally had had enough. The police got involved and he’s been in jail ever since. I refuse to be a part of his case because I do not want to see him.
This guy broke me…mentally, emotionally. My confidence is at an all time low. I am now taking therapy and it’s helping. Even though he was so horrible, it is taking so much willpower not to run back. Thank goodness for my family and friends for reminding me of what an asshole he was, and thank goodness for forums like this.
Sorry if this story appears twice. I don’t think the first one went through properly.
I am not to sure if my ex is a narcissist or has some other kind of personality disorder. I have been reading up about covert narcissists. I didn’t think anything of it while we were friends or together. He just seemed normal. Although I did notice how passive aggressive he was, he was 2 faced, victim mentality and he easily removed people from his life. He seemed to have high expectations of people and high standards.
Some of this stories were concerning. One including a twin swap where he pretended to be his twin and almost had sex with his twins partner. His twin was having a shower and was oblivious to it. He did it as a joke. I couldn’t listen to the rest of the story so I walked out of the room.
This is the story of our break up.
I was with my boyfriend for 6 months. We worked together for a year previously. So we knew each other quite well as we sat next to each other. We hung out after hours. Spoke every night and on weekends and messaging all the time. He lost his job and moved a 2 hour drive away. We got together. The long distance didn’t bother either of us and we saw each other most weekends.
Everything was going so wonderfully. I really felt like I had met the one. I met his family 6 weeks in and he met mine 4 months in (my parents travel a lot). He always mentioned about me moving in with him. His mum and roommate made comments about me moving in as well. He made comments in front of my mum about me moving in too. So I finally agreed.
He was so excited and a mutual friend even commented about how excited he seemed to be. I met some of his extended family, more comments from his mum about me moving and his uncle telling us to enjoy our time together before kids came along.
All was going well. I went to get boxes and started to pack my house up. I resigned from my job. He started to spiral into depression and anxiety. Keeping me in the loop the whole time. He seemed to get better. (He has depression and anxiety and had some bad relationships in the past apparently). A week later he spiralled again. He could barely talk to me. He kept apologising. I confirmed that he still wanted me to move in with him, he said yes. 12 hours later he told me that the move was f***ing with his head. I was great with it and told him that I didn’t have to move etc. i asked if he still wanted to be with me and he said that he did and just needed time. I was lucky enough to be able to get my job back (which I ended up leaving anyway cause it was toxic). He said that he has to stop talking about it. I asked if I could call him that night; which I did. I suggested taking it slower and he said yes. He wasn’t very engaging.
The following weekend he came over. He was like a zombie. We went out to a cafe for lunch and came home. When we were driving he sent a text to someone with a love heart and kissing emoji. He saw that I saw it. He said that it was a friend “A” and him and “A” were messing around the night before telling each other they loved each other. I didn’t even question it further.
I grabbed his hand and he grabbed mine. He asked if he could ask me something. I said yes. He asked if it was ok if he took a step back. I agreed as I just wanted him to get better. I cried a bit. He grabbed his phone and opened it up when I saw photos he created in a photoshop app that said his initials loves initials I didn’t recognise. And another one saying “I love you”. It didn’t even register to me. he eventually left. Without the dog I was looking after over the past 5 months. Just said that I will still see him as his dog will still be there.
I made those desperate, typical “I still want to be with you” phone calls. We still communicated. We tried to have a friendship. The whole time I was trying to work out what I had seen. It made no sense to me. 4 days after our break up, he added a woman with those initials to Instagram, 2 weeks later to Facebook.
During this time also, we had some intimate phone calls. I ended up asking if he saw a future with me. Long silence, where I laughed and said that he can say no. He then told me that he was cheated on, stolen from and used. Gave me a run down of his ex’s. Said that he could do more stuff when single. I asked if he preferred to be single, he said yes. I told him that it’s a shame I couldn’t change his mind.
5 weeks after the break up, he came and collected his dog. He gave me a couple of amazing cuddles that lasted a couple of minutes each and gave me a kiss on the lips when he left.
I went into depression and anxiety. We contacted each other a couple of times. He asked me for a couple of favours. That was about it.
I went overseas for a holiday a month after seeing him the last time. He was still looking at my Instagram stories. While I was over there, he had tagged her in a post on Instagram. This was 2 months after our break up and no other interactions had occurred that I saw, her profile is private. So I asked him about the text that I saw. He said that it was nothing, honestly. Just his godfathers daughter going through a hard time. 5 days later he blocked me on Instagram. A week after that he blocked me from facebook. I asked about the blocking and he said that he was told by the doctor to distance himself from social media. Right……I went into No contact. A month later he changed his relationship status to single. He also removed a good friend of ours from Facebook. I also noticed that I was unblocked on Facebook but not Instagram. So he has gone to check my profile or something. You can still unblock someone if they have deactivated their account (which I did).
I admit that I dragged it out. I am not good at confrontation and I didn’t want to upset him and accuse him of something. I also wanted to hold onto a friendship….crazy of me.
I held all these feelings in. I felt bad for asking that question about the text.
I had been writing an email. Last week I finally sent it. It wasn’t nasty. Just told him how I felt during that break up and telling him how inappropriate it was to tell me about his cold feet the way he did. I got a lot off my chest. I also thanked him for letting me into his world. I also told him about the pictures I saw. I have since been sleeping amazingly. I don’t expect a response. It would be nice to get answers but he won’t give those to me.
2 days after I sent the email, he deleted mutual friends that we worked with off Facebook and unfollowed them on Instagram. Guessing he read it.
I have started to see a therapist. I felt used. I also feel stupid for my behaviour after the break up. That I didn’t ask about the things I saw sooner. Also, if he was with someone else, I feel ashamed of my behaviour of having those intimate moments with him.
I just found out that the guy I’ve been seeing for the past 3 years has been living a double life – he’s married and I was unknowingly the other woman.
We started off as co-workers and there was instant chemistry between us. He was charismatic and charming and I was completely drawn to him. We would talk all day at work through our IM system (7-8 hours) and then another hour before bed every night. Admittedly, when this started, I knew he was engaged, but even against my best judgment, we continued our emotional affair. Everything between us just clicked and I thought he was my soulmate. He knew more about me and understood me better than anyone ever had, and he would tell me the same. I had never loved someone so deeply before. Eventually things became physical and he told me he would call off the engagement, that I was his perfect match and that he wanted to be with me. There was always a sob story about why he couldn’t though. First he said he tried to call it off with her, but that he had a panic attack. And then he had another one the next morning. I felt bad and didn’t want to add to his stress, so I backed off with asking and believed that he would do it on his own time. Then he said he talked to his parents about it and they threatened to disown him if he called it off. All the while he was promising me that he was working on it though and that it would happen. Well that never happened. A week before the wedding he told me he couldn’t go through with calling it off and I was completely heartbroken and told him it was over – I couldn’t continue having an affair if he was a married man. The night before the wedding though, I had countless texts from him:
“Calling off a wedding is a dick move, whereas a divorce is ‘We tried, it didn’t work’. I know I shouldn’t care what people think, but I do, so I think this is what’s best for the long-term. I’m telling you right now that you’re not going to lose me forever like you think you will. Just because I’m handcuffed and have to go through with this doesn’t mean I want to and doesn’t mean I don’t love you more than anything in the world. A marriage where all I can think about is another girl isn’t one I can see myself being happy with. I promise you I’m going to make this right. I love you too much to wonder “what if” for the rest of my life and care about you too much to see you unhappy. It kills me that you’re having one second of sadness because of me, but if you let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.”
Do you know how hard it is to walk away from someone that’s saying that to you? He knew exactly all the right things to say. So when he got back from his honeymoon and he said he would be filing for divorce soon, I believed him and we started up again. And as far as I knew from that point on, the divorce was underway. Not only was he telling me it was, but I was seeing details about it with my own two eyes. He showed up to work one day with his entire closet in the backseat of his car saying that he had moved out and would be staying with his parents for the time being. He started showing up to work about 10-15 minutes later every day after that and blamed it on the new commute. I would even see him leave work and make a right towards his parents house instead of the left he used to take. I had no reason to believe he was lying to me.
Things between us were a little weirder than they had been before though. He wasn’t coming over as often, he had stopped sending me all the cute texts that he used to, and he still didn’t want to tell people at work about us or introduce me to his friends or family, even though he had met mine. I would get fed up and tell him that I was tired of being some big secret, that I wanted a normal relationship. He’d blame it on the fact that he was affected by the divorce more than he thought he would be and just needed a little time to heal before he was ready to fully commit to me. I would feel bad then for pushing him too soon and agree to give him some space, thinking that’s what was best for the long-term. This went on for about 2 more years. It was a cycle of me getting impatient and wanting more, and telling him we needed to take a break for him to get his shit together. Within a week, he’d always come back telling me he missed me and that he thought a lot about it and was ready to give it a try for real. And for a few weeks after that he would, but then he would slip back into his old ways and the cycle would repeat. He was always giving me just enough to hang on though. He even went so far as to tell me a whole sob story about how he was seeing a therapist to help him get over the divorce and be less selfish so that he could be the man I needed him to be in a relationship. I knew it was stupid, but he was like a drug that I had to keep going back to, even though he kept hurting me over and over.
During this time, their house went up for sale and sold within a week and he told me that was the last step of the divorce and that everything was finalized. I even saw the real estate listing so I knew it was true. I thought everything was finally working out the way he said it would and that we could get our relationship started for real.
I started catching him in a lot of lies after this though. The biggest one being that I had found out that him and his ‘ex-wife’ had bought another house a week after they closed on their first one. I immediately confronted him with all the worst case scenarios running through my head, but he told me it was simply an investment property. That their realtor had a house flipping business on the side and that since they had both moved back in with their parents after the divorce and weren’t doing anything with the money, they went in on one of the houses to flip. This made more sense to me than anything else that was running through my head, so I chose to believe him, but I started having a very uneasy feeling that things weren’t how they said they were. He had an answer for everything though every time I confronted him about one of the lies and made me think I was crazy for thinking there could still be something going on with him and his ‘ex-wife’.Whenever I would catch him in another lie or tell him I was fed up and would leave him if things didn’t get better, he’d always say he would come over after work so we could talk face-to-face. And then when he got here, instead of talking about the issue right away, he’d come in and sit on the couch and start to give me a back rub or a foot rub and ask about my day. He’d make small talk and crack some jokes and then after about 20 minutes of that, he’d bring up the issue and give me a sob story about being stressed at work or something like that, and then promise me that he’d start putting in more effort and tell me everything I wanted to hear. Before I knew it, I was forgiving him and giving him another chance. Every time. Now I see that he was manipulating me to let my guard down first and charm me so I’d be more willing to believe everything he was saying and let it go.
After catching him in so many lies, though, I couldn’t shake the gut feeling I had and couldn’t trust anything he told me at this point. I finally texted his ‘ex-wife’ to ask her myself if they were divorced. I thought she would just confirm everything he had told me and I’d have a little peace of mind, but no. She said that they were 100% together and there was never a time where she thought that they weren’t and demanded to know what was going on, so I told her everything. I was completely devastated and as blindsided as her. How could neither of us have not known or seen it? I couldn’t believe he had gone through such great lengths to carry out all these lies. Had he really convinced her to sell their house and buy a new one just so he could show me the real estate listing and to try to prove to me that the divorce had happened?
I haven’t gotten any kind of explanation from him. He’s been completely ignoring me for the past few days when I try to ask for answers. I understand why though – I’m the other woman and his first priority is obviously going to be to try to talk his way out of it with his wife, but it still hurts like crazy. The rational side of me is glad I’m not the one that was married to him and that I can get a clean break, but at the same time, the side of me that is still head over heels in love with him is hoping he really will get a divorce now that she knows everything and come back to me and things could finally be how I had always imagined at the start of the relationship. I know that sounds so stupid and I’m doing everything I can to talk myself out of that, but I can’t help it. He really was like a drug to me and I’ve never loved anyone so much before, despite all the hurt and bad times.
His wife told me they’re trying to work through it – one side of my brain wants to scream at her for staying, why would you want to stay with a man who has been cheating and lying to you for 3 years? But the other side of my brain knows exactly why she’s saying this. As of right now, I would take him back in a heartbeat if he asked me too, despite everything that’s happened, and I’m the one being ignored right now. I can imagine he’s back to seducing and charming and manipulating her and making it harder for her to see what’s really happening. It’s not fair that he gets to get away with treating people like this, he doesn’t deserve to have this ‘happy life’ and ‘happy marriage’.
How long does it take to get over this? To stop wanting him back even when I know he’s wrong? Will I ever trust or love someone again? Everything just feels so hopeless now.
I am enjoying this site and all of the informative information, but does anyone still post on here? Unless I am overlooking newer posts, it seems as if the newest are dated in 2018.
Hi, I haven’t posted for sometime. But I plan to write again soon.
HI Postivagirl and Bunny, Phoenix, and everyone else, I used to visit here and message, connect on here in 2014, 2015, 2016 etc. I used to post as dragonfly but forgot my old password.
I am free of my controlling ex narc bf as of 2017 and had met a beautiful kind man my soulmate in 2016 as friends then together in 2017 but very sadly for both of us he died of cancer this year. I am trying to cope and carry on without him. he was much older in age than me so I knew I would lose him. We try to communicate from beyond the grave but its hard for me as I miss his physical company physical presence. i’m learning psychic development and spiritual growth, meditation etc to try to handle my grief better and the only way to connect better with him.
I also had a bad time with an ex friend who turned into a sociopath before my eyes after 5 years of friendship, she was jealous of me being happy with my soulmate, I got an ivo against her in 2018 it ended last year in August. It helped her let me go thank god. She did have alcohol and marajuna, ptsd,issues & mental illness: bi polar or schizophrenia that she wouldn’t take medication for long and a few visits to the psych ward when I knew her etc, She was bitter jealous and angry about the 30 years age gap difference between my soulmate and I. He was 30 years older than me but we got on like a house on fire, we were suited to each other even though his wife was in a nursing home with alzheimers, but my soulmate was honest with me from the start and he introduced me to his children and family he never hid me from anyone and he was a true gentleman in every way and the best man i’d ever been with. His wife died 4 months before he did. We went to Ireland together last year just before he got really sick from late stage colon spread to liver cancer late stage 4.
I am grieving and feel empty and lost and sad and disillusioned and I often wish I could follow him to the other world the afterlife. He often visits me in dreams and visions and I talk to him out loud most days on my own and whilst driving. I do have friends and churches and spiritual class but continually feel empty and apathetic without my man, my love by my side in person to share my life with. But I am relieved and happy that his suffering is over. I am happy he’s in heaven with god and his relatives and wife etc.
A couple of also old Men have tried to hit on me since he died. My Bob died 4 1/2 months ago. I didn’t take kindly to the unwanted offers. One maybe a covert narc, sociopath, hes married and looks nearly my soulmate’s age which is 80. He was a distant friend in the local lapidary gem club for 5 years. He seemed jovial and normal, at the club and on club outings etc. He was offering to help me with gardening and fixing my old computer etc. But increased the offers of help after bobs death. Behind his wife’s back, but when I tried to expose him on this and that he was trying to hug me during the lockdown,more than I felt was comfortable, his mask slipped when I tried to expose him and I stopped him from visiting me on his own.
Boy did his emails change, to a different person. No apology for trying to blur the lines or for trying to cross my boundaries. He accused me of false allegations instead and threatened legal action against me if I tell any of his friends in the lapidary club we both attend. Hes nearly 30 years older than me anyway. But cunningly tried to pose as a father figure friend and must have figured he’d try to push his sleazy unwanted affection on me hoping it’d lead to a friends with benefits arrangements and using offers of help around my house after my partner died and using fish and chips meals as a leverage.
What a nasty piece of work, and married too. Turned his wife against me as he must have been afraid i’d tell her. I hate men like this. He was very polite and no flirting while my partner was alive. My partner came to the club with me while he was alive, to keep me company,
We were devoted to each other right up till the end. I saw him take his last breath, heard it leave his body, I was with him while he passed, me and his daughter were by his bed. The world is a dimmer place without him in it. He would have beat the men up who tried to come onto me.
Shame on sociopaths and narcs. I guess we learnt valuable lessons to love ourselves more and not tolerate abusive and toxic controlling behaviour to us and demand respect but run like the wind, never look back, leave them for good once we leave them or they mercifully leave us. They’re charming, funny and charismatic at first when they love bomb and charm us and also toxic and addictive but once the trauma bond is broken, soul ties broken, we can break the chain and gradually heal, enjoy our lives again and mend our broken wings and broken hearts. God will heal us and we need to love ourselves to heal the broken soul wounds that they inflict. (Livvy, Dragonfly)
Blessings to all, stay strong.
I don’t know where to turn to for help…
I’m a reasonably intelligent 48yr old man, and have recently been in a relationship with the girl-of-my-dreams.. (Yahdayahdayahda.. it appears!)
We met January 2018, and she became pregnant within a fortnight of us meeting! Not to state the obvious, but I fell sooo very much in love, I was ecstatic! But after 6 weeks, a wobble, a reconciliation… and the cycle continued, never able to spend more than a few days together before the mask slipped etc.. I could go on, but it is all formulaic really.
Ff. to February 2019 (Ava was born Oct ‘18) and I’d seen too much. After snatching Ava off the bed where I lay playing with her, screaming “You Wanted An Abortion!” Then running out the door, I knew at that moment what she was.
But there’s a lil girl, (my lil girl! That I’ve never been given the opportunity to bond with, even in the few brief weeks I spent with her..) and I’m at my wits end here…
I took action through the family court, Jess immediately moved 240 miles away (not random, her family are there) so the courts were transferred. I raised my concerns with Cafcass (court appointed social workers) during their section 7 report.
The report came back not only making Jess out to be supermum, but that I was an alcoholic drug addict (I’m not) with a potentially violent dog (not is he!) and no clue how to look after a bag of potatoes, let alone a child. It recommends I get sent for an psychiatric evaluation, not her, it chastises me for not appearing “happy” when hearing Ava’s doing well ffs! As well as mockingly stating I called her “sociopath”
I don’t know what to do now tbh. I worry for my daughter, but know I can’t fight Jess in the courts. Nor can I work outside the confines of such a system…
Oh, and I shoulda done my research before today, but about a week ago I sent Jess an email, stating she had won. I realise now that was a mistake (and I’m back to physically being sick daily…) and am unsure of the sort of retribution I may face…
They certainly know where to feed. I was married to one for 17 years and just finished a 2 year relationship with another. It’s exhausting. My first experience had me on guard and I saw it in the second even while being drawn in hoping to be wrong. This confusion is crippling at times. Then I think of all the nonsense during the last 20 plus years. Both women accused me of having a disorder as they spun me into their games.
I use to be proud to be a provider and protector of the women I’m with. Now I know it’s something they can smell. Thank goodness that I insisted on a prenuptial with the second woman even though it drove her into a rage. It’s most likely the reason she dropped me. Yet another good reason to have one although my experience in family court with the former wife (14 years of being beat up in court) taught me that lesson.
Some thoughts: NO CONTACT because they are going to use you again and they are showing your messages to others to stir up drama. Get some exercise even if it’s walking. Take vitamins, stay hydrated and avoid bad habits. Don’t bother trying to explain to anyone as they will never comprehend. Make new acquaintances to expand your social circle outside of the contaminated one. Hang in there.
Thank you. Some good advice. You know that you are more at risk of meeting another if you haven’t healed from the damage of the one before. This is what they can sense. What needs healing and fixing. They will offer to be the exact opposite of what you have experienced. To heal. The truth is only you can heal you. When you do, someone like this won’t have any power over you. Or even be interested in marking you for what they need. As you will be gone at the sign of the first red flag.
Very good advice!
Also, when acquaintances start acting standoffish it’s a big warning that they are getting ready to burn you. In both cases they told coworkers and family that we had ended it all the while they act as if all is well when you are alone with them. They told everyone that I was violent and stalking them even though they were both violent towards me. The tale is twisted and everyone wants to believe a women out of hand. Then the drama really light up when you call or stop by. You’re completely confused while everyone is treating you as a threat. Teachers, friends, dentists and so on. The police however didn’t seem to be taken in by it.
Very well described.
Positivagirl thank you for providing this website
I was in love with a beautiful, sweet, caring, empathetic, compassionate, charismatic, charming, innocent angel that turned to out never to have been her!
Without getting too bogged down in details, I got sick twice in January this year, and by the beginning of February my girlfriend had left without ever seeing me in person or even having a solid conversation, aside from saying that I had forced her into someone else’s arms. At the time I had just edited and rewritten her resume after she was fired from her job right before Christmas. They took her car and she had no money (except for inheritance not meant to be touched) I let her use my car and she had apparently been using it to explore her next option while still maintaining a veneer of smiles, hugs, and kisses, love, safety, trust family, and the promise of a future.
I havent seen her since but not from lack of trying to convince her to see me or even talk to me. To the point of embarrassment even. The reactions that you describe are likely to be received from from a sociopath if you break the silence and reach out, were so alarmingly dead on that I had chills while I read the words. It would explain so much… I’ve struggled with the confusion following such an abrupt departure, and have not realized until very recently that she never was the person I thought she was.
How are you doing today? I hope that you are well.
I dated a person who I’m pretty sure was a sociopath starting at the end of January this year until the beginning of May but then he led me on for two months after our relationship. I remember noticing a lot of red flags on the first date, like he fact that he had moved around a lot and was only 24 (I later found out he lied to me about his age by a year, sociopaths lie about everything, even stupid things!), he described all of his past partners as crazy, was extremely charming, etc. He didn’t really have any friends and I don’t know if anything he told me about himself was true. He asked me to be official with him 2 weeks after our first date and I was doing sex work at the time (this was pre covid) and opened up to him about it and he lost it and told me he had trauma surrounding sex work from a past partner who did it behind his back (which i found out was a lie) and when I told him that maybe we should take thing slow because we had literally just me, he lost it and said I wouldn’t be intentional about staying friends with him and would abandon him like everyone else did. He said he would be able to deal with me doing sex work and really liked me, so we started dating anyways. It was something he never got over, he withheld intimacy from me constantly and when I would comment about it he would say that it was because of his trauma, or his mental health, or that it was because he was feeling mostly asexual and didn’t get any pleasure out of sex (more lies and manipulation). When we were intimate it was super cold, he would only get himself off and I would have to beg him to go down on me or do anything for me. He would lie to me about really stupid things, like he told me on our first date he had put a down payment on a tesla truck but then said he canceled it and then later brought up that he still had the down payment on it. Hanging out with him and communicating with him was emotionally exhausting. He would constantly text me and if I didn’t answer quick enough would get passive aggressive with me. Because of him not being okay with me doing sex work, even though I had to stop a month into our relationship due to covid, we would break up and get back together pretty frequently but he would always ask me to get back together with him, until the last time we broke up. I could tell after we broke up that something was off and that he was probably seeing other people and because we had been hanging out so much and even hooked up after breaking up I wanted to know so that I could cut him out of my life and avoid being led on and getting my feelings hurt further. It was also covid and we never used protection so my life and sexual health were being put in danger. A couple months after we broke up I ended up finding out through social media and then google that he had legally changed his name twice and when I confronted him about it he threatened suicide and told me he had checked himself into a hospital and then later when I met up with him in person for closure told me cops checked up on him at his apartment. A few weeks later I found out through a girl he had been hanging out with and was hanging out with that day that both of these things were lies. They were just ways for him to further manipulate me and feel bad. I also found out through an ex friend of his that was helping him with a business venture he was running on the side that he had invited a girl over the night after we broke up to give him head. My ex partner had bashed this friend to no end and I thought it was really weird and unwarranted and this guy told me that my ex partner gave him really bad vibes and that his customers told him not to work with my ex partner. My ex partner also didn’t pay this person in full for his help. Then I contacted a past partner of my ex I found through instagram and she told me he had gotten called out on a spreadsheet of creatives in one of the cities he lived in for sexual assault, coercion, etc and then I kept uncovering more and more fucked up shit about him from other past partners, etc. I found out he’s a rapist, emotionally and physically abusive, a thief, a pathological liar, among many other things. I found out he was hooking up with multiple people in between us breaking up and getting back together, which for some reason is one of the things that hurts me the most out of all of this that he could just lie to my face and hide things from me like that. He even used a photo of him and I on his tinder profile and when I asked him why he did that he said he just liked how he looked in the photo. He’s so fucking selfish and disgusting. He was also purposely targeting friends of mine to hook up with and one of the people he hooked up with was a mutual friend but I think there are more friends of mine that aren’t telling me the truth. He was always so jealous of me and when I told him I did sex work told me he wasn’t able to make a calculated decision about having unprotected sex with me from the start of us hooking up. I always used protection when I did sex work and found out he never used a condom with anyone he hooked up with so he was a hypocrite on top of everything. He was so emotionally abusive that I felt so confused the whole time we dated. He raped me early on in our relationship too. I ended up compiling a bunch of accounts from people who had interacted with him and called him out on social media but it sucks knowing he’s still out there doing whatever the fuck he wants. He even emailed me a few weeks ago and I stupidly responded and after a while he stopped responding but I can’t stop myself from continuing to email him with proof and questions even though I know it’s unhealthy. I’m in therapy now to deal with my trauma and depression from him and it’s been getting better and better each day but it’s hard not to ruminate on this fucked up person and situation. Any tips for dealing with life post a sociopathic relationship would be much appreciated!
I dated a person who I’m pretty sure was a sociopath or a narcissist starting at the end of January this year until the beginning of May but then he led me on for two months after our relationship. I remember noticing a lot of red flags on the first date, like he fact that he had moved around a lot and was only 24 (he’s actually 25, I later found out he lied to me about his age by a year, sociopaths lie about everything, even stupid things!), he described all of his past partners as crazy, was extremely charming, etc. He asked me to be official with him 2 weeks after our first date and I was doing sex work at the time (this was pre covid) and opened up to him about it and he lost it and told me he had trauma surrounding sex work from a past partner who did it behind his back (which i found out was a lie) and when I told him that maybe we should take thing slow because we had literally just met, he lost it and said I wouldn’t be intentional about staying friends with him and would abandon him like everyone else did. He didn’t really have any friends and I don’t know if anything he told me about himself was true. He said he would be able to deal with me doing sex work and really liked me and already had feelings for me, so we started dating anyways. The sex work was something he never got over. He withheld intimacy from me constantly because of it and when I would comment about it he would say that it was because of his trauma with his past partner, or his mental health, or that it was because he was feeling mostly asexual and didn’t get any pleasure out of sex (more lies). When we were intimate it was super cold, he would only get himself off and I would have to beg him to go down on me or do anything for me. He would lie to me about really stupid things, like he told me on our first date he had put a down payment on a tesla truck but then said he canceled it and then later brought up that he still had the down payment on it. Hanging out with him and communicating with him was emotionally exhausting. He would constantly text me and if I didn’t answer quick enough would get passive aggressive with me. Because of him not being okay with me doing sex work, even though I had to stop doing it a month into our relationship due to covid, we would break up and get back together pretty frequently but he would always ask me to get back together with him, until the last time we broke up. I could tell after we broke up the last time that something was off and that he was probably seeing other people and because we had been hanging out so much and even hooked up after breaking up I wanted to know so that I could cut him out of my life and avoid getting led on and getting my feelings hurt further. It was also covid and we never used protection so my life and sexual health were being put in danger. He always denied he was seeing anyone else and again would lie and say he was feeling mostly asexual or wanted to focus on his career or give me another bullshit lie and constantly gaslit me. A couple months after we broke up I ended up finding out through social media and then google that he had legally changed his name twice and when I confronted him about it he threatened suicide and told me he had checked himself into a hospital and then later when I met up with him in person for closure he changed his story and told me cops checked up on him at his apartment. I found out after through a girl he had been seeing and was hanging out with that day that both of these things were lies. They were just ways for him to further manipulate me and make me feel bad. He also texted my mom and said he was going to call the cops on me because I was supposedly blackmailing him into dating me again. I also found out through a friend that was helping him with a business venture he was running on the side that he had invited a girl over the night after we broke up the last time to give him head. My ex partner had bashed this friend to no end and I thought it was really weird and unwarranted and this guy told me that my ex partner gave him really bad vibes and that his customers told him not to work with my ex partner. My ex partner also didn’t pay this person in full for his help. Then I contacted a past partner of his I found through instagram and she told me he had gotten called out on a spreadsheet of creatives in one of the cities he lived in for sexual assault, coercion, etc and had also been extremely manipulative and coercive with her in their relationship. From there I kept uncovering more and more fucked up shit about him from other past partners, etc. I found out he’s a rapist, a thief, a pathological liar, among many other things. I found out he was hooking up with multiple people in between us breaking up and getting back together, which for some reason is one of the things that hurts me the most out of all of this that he could just lie to my face, withhold intimacy from me and hide things from me like that. He even used a photo of him and I on his tinder profile and when I asked him about why he did that he said he just liked how he looked in the photo. He’s so narcissistic and disgusting. He was also purposely targeting friends of mine and one of the people he hooked up with was a mutual friend but I think there are more friends of mine that aren’t telling me the truth. He was always so jealous of me and when I told him I did sex work told me he wasn’t able to make a calculated decision about having unprotected sex with me from the start of us seeing each other. I always used protection when I did sex work. I found out he never used a condom with anyone he hooked up with. He was so emotionally abusive that I felt so confused the whole time we dated. He raped me early on in our relationship too. I ended up compiling a bunch of accounts from people who had interacted with him and called him out on social media but it sucks knowing he’s still out there doing whatever he wants. I’m in therapy now to deal with my trauma and depression from him and it’s been getting better and better each day but it’s hard not to ruminate on this devastating situation. Any tips for dealing with life post a sociopathic relationship would be much appreciated!
Hi. I know that it is painful for you right now. I want you to know that this is not your fault. I want to say once he Is gone you heal. But that would be a lie. Recovery can take some time. For me it took years. What helped the most was to focus on gratitude. To focus every moment of every day on gratitude. Everything from the bed you sleep in. Water in the tap. Electricity. Food in the shop. Having a car if you have one. This trick works and is the fastest to bring your thinking back to you. It is effective as you start to see your world through your world view lense not your abuser. It works because you are focusing on your life and positive rather than focusing on what he is doing. Remember he is an empty shell if he is happy it is because he is living someone else’s happiness. He is suckjng the life out of someone else. Be grateful he is no longer sucking the life out of you. I promise you will heal and recover. But it takes a lot of work. Of course he worked hard to groom you. Now it is time for you to groom you back. I hope this helps.
Heyoh, sorry this is just a test – I posted a long-ass reply and I just don’t remember if positivagirl moderates comments on here or if I buggered up. 😀 Delete me 😀
Hi Nicholas, yes have just got into my laptop so going through comments now.
ah, so my long reply got lost to the interwebs 😦
I found solace in sites like this, learning that other people had gone through similar situations… and then some people warned me “it’s good to read about sociopaths and try and understand, but you won’t, because your brain works differently – so don’t go reading yourself into a hole”
Guess what I did? 🙂 I read myself into a hole… but, you know, I climbed out eventually because I recognised what was happening. I think even that advice little piece of advice was enough to stop me from going much deeper. So… read yourself into a hole if that’s what you need, just remember there is a time where you have to stop and take steps towards yourself.
It’s been a few years since my narc and I don’t want to make it feel hopeless by saying “yeah healing can take years” but know that’s the same with everything – you carry stuff with you – especially if you don’t learn the lessons. I still give people the benefit of the doubt and allow myself to get emotionally manipulated from time to time – but I am getting better at spotting it, stopping it, and when the need arises, being able to disconnect and walk away.
It’s like the man who rescued the snake from a fire, and every time he tried to grab it and pull it out of the fire it bit him, until he found a stick to save the snake with. An on-looker said “why bother, man? It’s just going to bite you. It did bite you. Several times. Why insist on saving the stupid snake?” and he said “the snake bit me because that’s in its nature – it was just doing what snakes do. I’m a helper, it’s what I do… and I’m not going to let the snake’s nature change my nature.” … Mmmm.
But if I can offer some strong advice about your narc which I hope helps… because yes, it sucks knowing that they’re out there causing damage – but know that they are so proactive in protecting their image that by the time someone like you or I mobilise into ‘exposing them’ and ‘calling them out’, they’ve already infiltrated half of our social circles with their charm and wit, and are already well into painting us as the abusive and crazy partner. Some people will be taken for the ride for a little while, but the truth always prevails, I find… but if you buy into the game and start trying to call them out, you’re falling into a trap that has been pre-set for weeks or months.
The damage the narc can do is not of your concern, you can’t carry that weight – you can’t hold yourself responsible for the safety of others. That’s a testament to who you are as a person that you want to stop the narc from damaging others – it’s the same reason why you put up with him for so long. Chances are he had several people ‘on the go’ when you first dated and you passed all his tests of someone who will put up with his shit. It’s not a bad thing, to be compassionate and empathetic – but you have to recognise when it’s more vice than virtue. In this case, you really can’t worry about the damage the narc is doing to others. That’s their journey. Trying to ‘expose’ the narc or chase them will only do you more damage in the long run – instead just let that hurricane of bullshit buzz off into the distance and focus on your own healing. Again, I can’t stress enough that – it sucks, yes – but what happens to others is their lessons to learn. Even with the best intentions, you sometimes can’t help people, and you have to just trust that in time they will find out for themselves. When you think about it, you probably had people at the start of this relationship telling you this guy is bad news, but you had to learn it for yourself. Same goes for others. The narc is out there, that sucks, but so be it… there are thousands of them – and protecting the world from them is too big of a task and a responsibility to dump on yourself.
Keep going to therapy – it’s so good. Work on yourself (cliche I know, but whatever that means to you, focus on you), Reach out to friends (hopefully you have 1 or 2 that love you enough to hear you repeat the same story over and over while your brain ruminates and tries to process what it has just been through), and also take a break from relationships – right now you are narc-bait, and a perfect candidate for a “knight in shining armour – the one I’ve been waiting for” to swoop in and brain-fuck you to the nth degree, using your trauma as a weapon against you (and from experience that it a shitty, shitty, shitty place to end up).
But… kudos is deserved for recognising what you were dealing with – some people are just like “well that was an arsehole” and move on… my vibe is that you’re an empathetic person but intelligent enough to want to rationalise and understand what the hell just happened (I think that’s a lethal combo when it comes to being narc-bait). The fact you’re aware of what you just went through and the type of person you just dealt with will certainly make things easier, and that’s the first part of healing… and kudos for taking the next steps… reaching out and talking to someone about it.
All the best, you might not see it now, but in the future this is going to shape you into an incredible human being, and one day you’ll look back on yourself, proud as anything and think holy shit… look at me now.