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During a time, when he had deluded me, that he had ‘changed’ haha… they ‘can’t’ change, and neither would they want to either. I removed my own story. I had checked my email, and found this written to an author on another site in early July 2012. At that time I had known him seven months. I would know him in total for four years, before he finally took off and left my city. I copy the email here, hopefully it gives you an outline, this is what it is like to date a sociopath. Here was my story as at July 2012.

Hi Kerry,

I think i might have been dating a sociopath. Who has financially ruined me.
At the end of last year, i met a guy. He lied from day 1. he made up a totally different persona. He was charming. He he was funny. He was almost too perfect.
He told me he had a 45k a year job, and would move in with me paying 3 months in advance. He told me he was going to buy an alfa romeo car. It was all designed to give the illusion that he had money. Of course when i first met him, he had forgotten his bank card, then he didnt bring enough money. Of course i was paying.
He moved into my house, told me that he had only had 2 relationships in the past. One was a psycho violent person, the other was an amazing relationship. He had been with her for 13 years, they only split because she had cheated on him. He said they had split 6 years ago, and he had a 7 year old little girl who he had every other weekend, and every other christmas. But not this christmas, she was in the dominican republic with her mum. he would even have fake calls every other day to his little girl.
He was almost too nice. My mum said that he sounded like he was telling me what i wanted to hear. I knew that something wasnt right. I challenged him. This relationship he did have things in common with me which were REAL, and those things were real because there was evidence lots of before i had met him.

He came from another city so it was easy to pass off why he had no friends or family in his background. Something wasnt right, he was almost just too nice.

After more than a month living with me, and saying that his work werent getting back to him – he confessed that he didnt have a job, i said he had to get one. So he told me that he had got this job. It was amazing. He got headhunted at the interview. He was line managing 60 people, he could earn more than 100k a year. Of course then came the illnesses so he couldnt attend work, but he had to work a month in hand so i paid for him until he was paid.
During that time he said that his daughters mother had become seriously ill with cancer. There were fake phone calls (set up with an alarm to his phone), this was a big deal because in jan 2010 my daughter had died at full term pregnancy. I was still recovering and couldnt have any more children. I prepared the house for her to come. He told me that she had 2 days to live that his little girl was living with her friend and her mum. it sounded awful. He went to great lengths to deceive me. I gave him money to return home to collect his daughter. He was meant to go with two suitcases empty and bring her and her things back. We had already been through where her uncle mark was going to bring her, i cleaned the hosue from top to bottom. At the last minute he couldnt come because they were around her death bed.
He left to pick up his daughter, i was out, when i returned home there were notes he had left. I couldnt believe it, he was about to be paid, i had sunk into rent arrears and debt whilst i temporarily helped him. Just packed all his things and gone. Then he said that his sisters twin had taken his daughter and he returned. There were fake calls to solicitors whilst he tried to arrange access to his daughter. I was waiting for him to be paid. I needed the money desperately. Except when he was meant to be paid he created a diversion shouting and screaming he was having  a breakdown. He needed to have some space. he walked out with suitcases calling the police, threatening me.
I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. He wouldnt answer his phone said he was in his daughters home city trying to arrange access.
Meanwhile i received two emails from his last ex girlfriend, and his last housemate. THey said that he was a compulsive liar and a thief and to watch out. His last girlfriend had been left in thousands of debt and had lost her home. He owed his ex housemate 500 and again had just left. I was left with just 5 and was starving i couldnt understand what had happened to my money they told me to check my account. He had withdrawn 350 over two days. I was stunned. Earlier my bank card had gone missing i had been sent another with a new pin.
He then told me he felt awful, how much he loved me. That his grandfather had given him 1000 and he wanted to repay me. He was coming then he didnt. So i decided to go there. He was living in a hovel. Of course there was no money, it was a lie. He confessed he lied. He said that he had spent his life telling lies, and wanted to tell me the truth. HE didnt want to lose me. So he told me that his ex hadnt been dying of cancer, he hadnt seen his little girl in almost 2 years. He said he was tired of living this life, the things that we had were real. He wanted to come back, work hard and pay back money that was owed.
Of course, I was by now so in debt, that i wanted this. I also loved him. After all we got on so well. Had so much in common. He told me he had a job interview lined up and was sure that he would get the job. He ate interviews. So i allowed him to come back. But there was no job interview. I went mad. He got a job, but he didnt get paid, he didnt complete the training. Then there was another job, again he didnt get paid, he said that wages would go into my bank account. But they didnt. again and again and again. Meanwhile i was by now borrowing money from high interest rate lenders, on the promise of his salary that was going into my bank account. My car had become illegal i couldnt afford to get it fixed. I had taken so much time off work, that they wouldnt allow me back, and i was now on half pay, Because of his behaviour my lodger had left. When i said i felt so awful i felt like dying, he called police, who kicked my door in, so i had no letterbox and a smashed in front door for more than 2 months so couldnt get another lodger. I wanted what he said to be true.
I spoke to the mother of his daughter who said that he couldnt see his daughter. He was a compulsive liar. If he wanted to see her it had to be through a contact centre.
He was meant to be at work, and i got a call, saying he had a surprise. Could i pick him up. He had awful teeth, and had just had his teeth done, he wanted me to pick him up from the dentist with a brand new set of teeth. I was stunned. he would get up at 6am every day, to go to work for 7.30am returning at 5pm. Again he said that there were problems with wages. I bought him a bike, and we went camping, all on the promise of wages that would go into my bank account.
Last week i was devastated when he said he had been laid off, i had checked my account again no salary had gone in. He had lived off me for another 2 months. No real job. No salary. I had borrowed money and was so in debt my home was at risk. He stole my ipod with 16gig worth of music. My mobile phone, and worst of all, an expensive watch i had bought in memory of my dead daughter. Noticing this, i hid his laptop. I knew that had just as personal things for him. He called the police on me. Again…
Fortunately the police could see through him. Took his house keys, kicked him out, and said tough about his bike and laptop he had my things i had his… he was thrown onto the streets and was street homeless. He lived like this for a week, and got given a flat. He told me he had my things that he would return them yesterday. He didnt, there were more excuses. I said i wanted to see his place. He was reluctant. I did eventually see his place. he said he didnt have key to the living room landlord forgot to give to him, i said i knew that was a lie. he said he didnt have his suitcases. i said i knew that was a lie that he had his case locked in the room. He admitted it, and i knew then that he had sold my possessions for cash.
HE doesnt have drug addiction problems. But this is what i have been going through i have been left financially ruined. Do you think that he is a sociopath? He sounds very much like it, he was so charming, a compulsive liar, and stole my things. Always told people what they wanted to hear and it seems that he has got off on financially ruining me.
Nikki
Please share your story!

 

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4,423 thoughts on “Share your story

  1. The condom thing. So weird. I once said to him you’re a financier and you don’t have condoms?? He broke with reality on another occasion and got angry at me because I insisted. It wasn’t about intimacy and trust. It was about his masculinity. This was before I knew he was married. Imagine not using condoms and going back to your partner of decades with whom you have 3 daughters. I just can’t get beyond that…Look, I don’t know that they are back together. I don’t think they are. But again that’s not the point. The point is as a feminist I think I have an obligation to call out this sort of behavior. I’m just giving him a chance and a warning.

    1. Sleep on it before you fan the flames. 🙂

      If you’re dealing with an actual sociopath this won’t end well for you, I’m afraid.

      Promise to sleep on it at the very least. I promise tomorrow you can do whatever you want. Today – no.

      Sleep on it. 🙂
      xx

      1. Thank you all for sharing your comments. I am dealing with a difficult aftermath of a sociopath. Can anyone please tell me how i can post my story on this website? I am a bit confused on how to do so thank you.

  2. Yes but I can smear campaign him too, and worse because he is married and I am not. Worse because his kids and wife (or ex or whatever – they don’t live together but he said they were divorced and they’re not) share his last name and mine do not. Worse because I have nude pictures of him and he doesn’t have nude pictures of me.

    Anyway Stephen, I just read your story. Sorry I missed it earlier. I didn’t realize there were new people around. Thanks for jumping in and commenting. I have my doubts because I haven’t seen him since I landed on covert cerebral narcissist, but when I found Sam Vaknin’s work I discovered that he ticks every single box from hoovering to triangulation to using sex as a punishment and addicted to internet porn. It’s all there. Scarily so. So yes it completely horrified me – not just because of what I thought I knew about him but also because of what I wanted when I met him (a fling). I went through something like this before – 18 years ago.

      1. Happened to me with the first one. I got pregnant. I then had a miscarriage because a doctor thought I had an intestinal infection and gave me antibiotics that killed the fetus.

    1. I actually think it’s a control thing – it’s abusive to resist using a condom when the partner wants to. I think I’ll tell him that I’ll let it go when I have proof that he is seeing a psychiatrist.

  3. Reading wrong. That I would let the whole thing go – the dilemma about whether to tell his wife – when I have proof he is seeing a psychiatrist.

  4. I did all that and more over a year ago. I think that stuff kinda turns him on. That’s when I really knew he was crazy!!! The gay dating site ( with pics and I had messaged a guy and set up a date) pissed him off royally but 3 weeks later he was asking to see me. Smh!!

    1. LOL! Sorry but the whole thing is just so absurd. And here I am spending all this time on it. But at least I don’t have to work today. Might as well deal with HIM.

  5. Oh no!!! It just happens like that sometimes… don’t let it consume you. Go do something that you like or go talk about it with a good girlfriend.

    1. Most of my friends only understand the stalker bit. Sorry to be taking up so much of this board today and thank you all for being here. In the end, I did nothing. I think I’m stressed about other things and am distracting myself. It would be more helpful to be consumed with things that I need to do. Tomorrow will be a better day!

  6. Please don’t apologize… this is what we’re all here for… to support and get support and understanding. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!! It will get better.

  7. I’m actually struggling with a moral dilemma here. Ironically, it’s in defense of sociopaths, though they’d never understand. Perhaps by saying this I’m just giving them more information to mimic and throw off the scent.

    But I do feel for sociopaths. They didn’t choose to be this way, and sometimes it’s a result of abuse during their formative years. They never learned love and affection and instead learned (from perhaps a psychopathic parent, as was the case with my ex) that control and manipulation was the norm for relationships. These would be what I’ve heard of as ‘Type 2’, the charming and charismatic, as opposed to the brash grandiose (Donald Trump, for example) and directly destructive. My ex possibly doesn’t know how madness-inducing her behavior is. She’s in her early 20s.

    Perhaps some won’t even realise they’re sociopaths until much later in life, all the while believing they keep attracting bad luck or crazy people, wondering why their relationships aren’t working out – pushing away friends and exes thinking “it’s for the best that I don’t have this toxic person in my life”, when we see that as being discarded.

    But the world is terrifying enough as it is without having to go through it without feeling any sense of connection or belonging with other humans. Without experiencing the love of a friend or a partner – that warm safe haven. Though I guess this doesn’t bother her, and she probably pities me for having my progress in life retarded by my emotions.

    But I’d almost like to extend a hand to her. I know this world is strange and difficult. I know you must feel alone and often misunderstood. I know you get demonized by the masses – called vampires and monsters – and that must be awful to always be on edge and having to hide yourself, sometimes not even understanding what’s going on within your own world. To be fair, we have to demonise you – it’s our way of surviving the trauma you cause. It’s our survival mechanism just as much as your survival mechanism is to destroy us and watch us self-destruct and implode before your eyes, hardly batting an eyelid at the sight.

    For so many reasons, I wish you didn’t exist. However, there are certain people in the world who wish certain types of people exist, and we condemn them for their prejudice. (#notallsociopaths, right?i wish). Still, I can learn from you, and I have chosen to do so (though the path has been excruciating and expensive on all fronts). You are here in this world and I guess you have just as much right to be here as me, and a right to be happy – whatever it is that you call being ‘happy.’ It just really sucks that your happiness is often linked to someone else’s misery.

    So I hope my ex has a moment of self-reflection someday, and decides she wants some stability. Though I doubt that’s possible. I still believe that she’s low-functioning and deep down really wants what she’s “supposed” to have, as dictated by society. A long-term, loving relationship.

    In the meantime, I’m so tempted to extend a hand and say to her: I know this world is scary, and you’ll be chased from town to town for the rest of your life for being the demon that you are. But feel free to drift in and out of my life from time to time, when you need validation, to feel wanted and needed, to feel safe. I have empathy to spare. Suck on my soul a while, little vampire. You’re still finding your way, and I truly feel for you, though you will probably never speak to me again.

    xx

  8. Think about it, when we ask “what’s it like being a sociopath and are they self-aware?” …. well, an unaware sociopath wouldn’t answer those questions would they – believing they’re a regular human being.

    So how can we say definitively that they don’t exist? Or what life might be like for the confused sociopath who is yet to discover their true nature?

    1. I can find it in my heart to see the humanity in mine too, and I’ve also learned from him. The other day I had a revelation that I had experienced another dimension of being and it gave me a weirdly euphoric high ;-). I have been through something that most people have not. We all have. That’s why we’re in this club. Part of me can definitely appreciate it.

      Narcs have an authentic self and a false one. I even told mine once – way before I was aware of all of this – that he seemed like two different people – that he had a facade. I was really puzzled. I liked the authentic self much more than the false one, but I got more and more of the false one. I don’t know whether he is self-aware or not but if you offer a hand, say you’ll be there, pierce the armor, give them love and affection, they will discard you anyway. And let me add that they will suck it all up while doing so. What I thought was closeness was simply more supply for him. All the while he would tell me how perceptive I was, and I am.

      Towards the end, when I was getting warmer and began to suspect everything from Asperger’s to multiple personality disorder to an internet porn addiction, though I didn’t say anything directly, mine had a clear break with reality, which he acknowledged, along with his first and only narc rage (scared me). He then pushed me away and moved on. He had revealed too much. They don’t want to be self-aware because most of them are actually quite content, as long as their false self remains intact.

      But then mine is a very high functioning financier (classic – he couldn’t do what he does without being a psychopath) and middle-aged. He’s had a long-term stable relationship – decades, 3 kids. He’s a very responsible father. That’s one of the reasons I thought he was “safe.” Haha. I am more unstable that way than he is yet he is way more insane than I am. Yours might be quite capable of finding a long-term stable relationship, but that’s what’s called “secondary supply,” at least in narc speak.

      Have you come across Sam Vaknin (Malignant Self Love)? I suspect you would find him quite fascinating even if his work doesn’t explain your ex 100%. I recommend him to everyone because when I found him, it all suddenly fell into place – made perfect sense. It’s all on the internet.

  9. I know but don’t stop being who you are because some disordered people can’t appreciate it. I’m a very kind, loving and compassionate person myself, I won’t change who I am… I’ll just be careful in the future to who I give all that to.

  10. Just realising I’m the lethal combination of overthinking and overanalyzing everything, and trusting my heart over my head. Descending into madness as I try to make sense of everything.

    I think this is what it would feel like to be unplugged from The Matrix. Seeing a gritty reality I was completely unaware of, and majority of the population can’t comprehend what I’ve experienced, and lucky for them, they never will.

    1. I kind of value that unplugged from the Matrix experience. I feel that it helps me to understand the world more clearly. But that’s just me. Hope you are doing better.

  11. I and many other women have been extreme abuse victims to one of the worst kind of people possible: A A highly trained and educated Psychologist who is clearly a sociopath. Myself and many other of his victims are speaking out about the harrowing experiences with this man.
    Before anyone panics: I have spoken to my attorney and I know my rights regarding mentioning the abuser’s name. Since it is TRUTHFUL it is legal to post anywhere on the internet or tell anyone. The most harrowing abuse one can receive is by a Psychologist as I and many others who have been victimized by Dr. Gary Dumais can attest to. And there are many of us and we have spoken together about the horrors that this man has done to us.
    Dr. Gary Dumais has a very long history of ALL forms of abuse on the women he has preyed on. And by far the Emotional and Psychological Abuse was the most cruel. Although he has hit me and others (and raped others), by far the emotional and psychological abuse was the worst since he knew exactly what to do. Two of his other victims agreed with me on that fully too. Dr. Gary Dumais LOVES to verbally emotionally,psychically, sexually and psychologically abuse women.As a huge misogynist and vicious sadist, he genuinely
    enjoys dishing out the abuse and gets off on it sexually and mentally. I could see the look in his eyes!
    And being a trained psychologist, he is very very,very good at the psychological abuse.
    Yes, that is how he uses his training and psychology education. To abuse and hurt people because he gets off on it. Many of us even witnessed him abuse his now deceased cat.
    Like most sociopaths, Dumais wears a good fake mask in the beginning.He seems normal, professional, decent and even charming. Like Ted Bundy did.
    Do not be fooled by that facade. He uses his psychological training and education to fabricate that facade which eventually wears off.
    And like other sociopaths, he has no moral compass and is never held accountable for his terrible actions or even acknowledges them. No remorse at all.
    He is a pathological liar and master manipulator. Dumais would systematically break me down (and other his other victims) with constant abuse beating me into a depression and then tell me that ” I needed him” and that “he would fix me” and that I “needed his help and expertise”.
    He would exploit very painful parts of our pasts and use it to his advantage and turn it against us. He would make us think we deserved the abuse. The insults, the berating, the degradation, the humiliation-It was OUR fault! Always “Blame the Victim” with Dumais. It was always our fault.We always deserved it.
    Dumais knew I occasionally suffered from depression and he would intentionally exacerbate it by abusing me more, telling me I was useless, worthless etc and then would tell me that I should kill myself.
    And yes, this is coming from someone who works in the mental health industry!
    His raging alcoholism is frightening. He’d go through 21 bottles of red wine a week, and a whole bottle of Patron and a handle of Jack a week. He can’t go three days without drinking.
    His porn addiction is unhealthy and intolerable and is what I believe might have pushed him to sexually abuse us.He would masturbate for hours wile staring at porn websites. he even needs to stare at dirty magazines when he works out.
    He tried to rape me. He anally raped his ex wife and other ex girl friends (they told me).
    This man must be stopped! We believe he moved from Chicago to Philadelphia because he ran out of victims to abuse in Chicago and word got around.
    So please all women reading this: Heed our warning! Do not assume that because someone works in the mental health industry that they always have the best intent and that you will be safe with them!
    They could very well be like Dumais and exploit it to their gain and try to control and destroy you for their enjoyment and sick needs.

  12. Leave the sociopath alone. Do not tell his wife. They have no emotions. No remorse. They can do a lot of damage. I ended a relationship with a sociopath. I lost 6 k to him. He is dating another woman. Thank goodness I am off the hook. She will eventually find the truth but for now I am glad he found another source if supply. I pretended I believe his lies abd wished him the best of lucky. I don’t want have children and he told me this woman does. He was in doubt btw the two of us. I said there’s no doubt she is the one. Wished him a beautiful life with happy healthy children and now in recovering mode. They are violent people so please leave this guy and his wife aline

  13. Hey guys!

    It’s been 3 ½ years since I’ve discovered this amazing site that enabled me to truly break free. I still think about the way the sociopath I was once with changed my life and I can start to see the positive things that have come with it little by little. But I also still remember crying after breaking up and feeling relieved at the same time. I still remember missing him even though all he did was hurt me and wanting to be alone forever after that. But I’ve come out as a stronger person. It’s probably a sentiment that we’ve all heard before, but what doesn’t kill us really could make us stronger and time helps a lot as well.

    Unfortunately, there is never a break when it comes to living your life. You don’t get handed a vacation after living through something challenging. When I thought that I had finally left my past behind me, I started letting people into my life that I wasn’t sure about – I knew they weren’t sociopaths, so in a naive way, they felt safe (enough) for me anyway. And since I was tired of not trusting anyone, I allowed myself a few bad choices. All of that didn’t turn out so well and of course I was hurt in the process – what did I expect? So now, I think I finally really realized something.

    So what I wanted to say that every single person here is amazing. And even if we move on from a sociopath, it doesn’t mean that other people are allowed to make us feel small. We are all worthy of love and self-love and even if that is hard to truly believe sometimes, I wish for everyone to feel this way.

    You’re amazing. Let no one tell you otherwise. Stay strong and keep going!

  14. Hi guys… it’s me again. I was doing ok with no contact and seeing my therapist again. I just saw her Friday night. Well low and behold I get messages by the sociopath’s on and off girlfriend of 16 years!!!! She was before the 2 wives, the child, everything!! She asked me questions about our relationship, I answered them honestly. Of course there were times when he was seeing both of us at the same time, however he was more serious with her. She shared texts and pics of them or pics of him. I did the same. This poor girl ( about 33, 34) has already had a stroke!! She still loves him but states that she is done…. I don’t believe that she is but that’s her problem. He called at 2am, I didn’t answer then he sent an email ( he’s pissed that I spoke with her) ignored that too. After all I know about him and have been thru with him it still hurt to hear all that… BUT I will retain my power and keep no contact and continue to move on from this toxic person. I feel like this is a NIGHTMARE that I can’t wake up from!! These people are pure evil!!

    1. Hey Cindy, Hope you have everything under control still. Sounds a bit crazy – these layers and layers that you have to peel back to get at the truth. Stick to no contact.

      I confess that in the end I did not stick to no contact . It has changed everything for the better (at least for the moment). I have my doubts now about who/what type of person I thought he was. I feel in control and much calmer and like I am interacting with a normal guy who is conflicted and doesn’t know what to do. We all have those situations, right? But I am not allowing him to see me.

      Stay strong.

  15. Hi Val, how did I know that it would be you who would reply? Thank you so much!! No, I’m not doing well, these layers are too much!! The girl was very nice and she’s been through the wringer like the rest of us, so I’m not blaming her. He had the nerve to get angry and me and send me an angry email asking ” why the fuck did you tell her all that”? Which hurt because clearly he only cared that she knows everything and said she is done with him. Lord, I just want to not hurt over this guy anymore!! The only comfort that I take from the new revelations is that basically he does the same thing to her as me and probably the rest. He’s been coming in and out of her life for 16 years. Most times they will be close ( she states seeing each other almost daily , making plans for their future, etc.) then BOOM she can’t reach him at night, he’s not replying to texts/calls then he just disappears. It’s amazing me that she’s allowed this for 16 years!!! I’m hurt on so many levels for so many reasons. Right now I don’t have to worry about contact from him because he’s angry and upset but one day he won’t be and I’m terrified that he may contact me. I pray that I’m healed and my resolve is SUPER STRONG to not have anything to do with him. It was so unreal talking to this girl… she kept expressing how much she loves him, he’s the only man she’s ever loved, how she’s loved him through 2 marriages, a child, everything!… although he’s caused her so much hurt!! We all have the same story!! I’m like wth… does he have a magic spell that he casts over us?!! Well like her I still love him but I’ve decided to love me more… I’ll have to love him from a distance. I want my life back… I want to be happy and enjoy life instead of merely existing. I pray that God will bring the right man into my life, someone whom I will love as passionately as I did this man but who will love me just as much, care and respect me. I still have faith that that will happen. Of course you know I struck back with some nasty emails of my own… which he did not reply. I didn’t think he would. I ridiculed him for not keeping his affairs straight and for me telling the girl EVERYTHING!! We compared notes, exchanged pics and texts from him. I can’t really lie his way out but I’m sure he did lie. Well Lady, thank you so much for replying to me ( no one else here seems to care ). I sure needed the support. I’m off work today so I can take my husband to his Drs appointment but I’m going to work out first. Val, this last incident most be bad because I have no appetite and I’m not eating much. Smh!! Have a great day Doll!! You be careful with him too!

    1. I think it’s good that you are in touch with her because it shows you how very toxic the situation could be for you. You don’t want to throw away 16 years of your life to someone like him. She should be a warning to you (in a good way, I mean) that you are doing the right thing. If someone had contacted me with a similar story I’d be relieved I got out before my life was completely ruined. I don’t entirely trust mine anyway. While he’s showing me a different side of him I still think he has some dangerous narc qualities. I am staying away. Trust yourself, Cindy.

  16. I’m trusting myself Val, but even if I wanted to be with him I couldn’t. I’m miserable and just hanging on…. trying to work my way through this. I pray that my desire for him go away soon!!! But it’s amazing… the 2 that I’ve spoken with ( his ex-wife) are deeply in love with him. It’s like he has all of us under a spell. If I wasn’t suffering I would find it fascinating. That poor girl…. there’s no way in hell I could endure this for 16 years!! Thanks Val!

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