Hi everyone.
Sorry I went MIA. Something got messed up with my email address on here.
Anyway, I’m glad you are doing so well Valerie! That’s how I feel about my narc/sociopath, whatever he is. Even though just a couple of days ago he told me he wanted to make everything better and really sounded very convincing. But I just seem to be over the part where I’m always falling for him or addicted, or even care.
I did meet this new guy on a dating site though and I wanted to tell you girls about it, because even though I’m not looking for anything too serious now, you still never know and I tend to fall for people very quickly, especially when they’re charming.
Has anyone ever dealt with meating someone new and now thinking they might be a sociopath as well? Because the guy I’m seeing seems to be a ladies guy and knows what he’s doing. Charming and making me feel comfortable. And we’ve only been on two dates so far but I really enjoy myself around him. The funny or maybe scary thing is, he has the same last name as my ex and his birthday is one day after my ex’s. Now one might think that’s a bad sign or omen. I don’t know…. but knowing what i know now about how good sociopaths are with people or charming people and how many there actually are I’m almost afraid to end up in the same or similar situation with somebody new…
If you ladies have any thoughts on this I’d love to hear them!
Much love!
Hi KindSpirit! Glad you are back! That is great that you are over yours. See, Cindy? It does happen!
I was worried for a bit that I would fall for the same type. I even went out on a date with a guy who TOLD me he was a sociopath. LOL. I didn’t see him again. Didn’t find him charming. Interesting, yes, but not charming. And I think because I didn’t fall for him immediately I wasn’t good supply.
A few weeks ago I met someone else. We really connected and had a really intense time for a few weeks but we hadn’t met up (we exchanged pictures, texted, phone calls, spent hours ‘with’ each other). We made a date and suddenly he blocked me with no warning. I was super super upset because I really liked him and I was worried. I found his email online and emailed him. He responded and told me that he thought I was out of his league and he knew what he did was ‘dickish’ but he was too chicken to test the waters. I felt shattered. Like I had to apologize for being fabulous ;-). So even though we feel unstable, there are others out there who are more unstable, albeit for different reasons.
One thing I always appreciated about my narc is that he never ever makes me feel defensive or criticizes me about anything. He accepts me completely for who I am. He is totally non judgmental. He does not feel threatened.
I have two more dates this week. Neither seems to be a sociopath. One is very sweet and open. The other a bit of a player already but not over the top.
So be wary but don’t worry that you’ll continue to attract the same types. It might happen for awhile because you are too conditioned, but as you get your bearings it will stop happening. I’d just wait with the guy who has the same last name as your ex (weird). Keep going on dates with him if you are enjoying yourself. Maybe date someone else too, to keep yourself from getting too involved too quickly.
Hey Valerie,
That’s some good advice. Thank you!
And that’s interesting that you weren’t good supply because you didn’t fall for him right away. That might be helpful too in case I do somehow er involved with one again. To just take it easy in thto beginning.
That is strange that he would just block you for that reason. Somebody recently did that to me as well, we had really good conversations but haven’t met in person yet.. and then he just disappeared and even blocked me…
the world is full of weird people haha 😉
And I will try to find some other dateable guys as well. I do get fixated very easily but this time I wanna make sure I’m happy with only myself before I give my everything to someone else. 😉
Thanks for you advice!!
Everyone all right? I’ve come here a few times to confess but never left a comment. He was pretty relentless and I gave in. Then I left him. I realized in a moment of clarity that it would be a train wreck and I didn’t want my life thrown off the rails. So, deep breath. He’s trying to reconcile with the wife who kicked him out years ago for cheating, but he’s cheating with me while trying to reconcile. Hard to get my head around. I think he has narc qualities but mostly straddling the fence for years, scared, bored, too many responsibilities, using people while he sorts himself out. He’s trying (he says) but she’ll never trust him again (I know – she’s been humiliated and he has not changed). Sad. For me it’s easier this time because we’re closer (which is why I checked out – I didn’t want to develop feelings) and ended on a high note. You all might wonder if I feel guilty but in all honesty, while I’ve had a few pangs, I think of him as being single because he lied to me. We hadn’t seen each other for 8 months but it felt like no time had passed. In fact it was better because it was more relaxed since he quit lying to me (once I used his wife’s name he didn’t have much choice; why he didn’t run the other way I don’t know). We’re going on a year of this now. It feels more solid – like I know if I needed him he’d be there. I don’t know if it’s true but it’s what I feel. My friends think I am nuts or lonely or bored but the truth is that I like him even though I know he’s totally wrong for me. Now I have to keep myself from contacting him because I want him back.
Hi Val… I have to laugh because this is some of my own story. His wife had found out he was cheating and said she was done… enters ME, during our relationship he was reconciling with her but lying to me telling me that he was divorcing her. Lol!! I contacted her in 2015 and got the truth. Yes, I want him back too… still love him ( that never seems to go away) sigh 😔. He’s been contacting me lately, saying all the things I want to hear from him, but I know it’s all a lie! Hang in there Val. That to hear from you girl!
Hi Cindy! Thanks for making me laugh ;-). He said they were trying to make it work for the sake of ‘tradition’ and ‘finances.’ It’s all so slimy! Mind-boggling! How did I get involved in something like this??!! He doesn’t even worry that I’ll contact her. Anyway, at least now I know I am not the only person he treats this way. These guys must brain damage us somehow. There’s a topic for positivagirl. How sociopaths brain damage their victims.
Yes, if we allow it at some point you will just accept it because you love and want them so much!! I’ve never accepted as normal, rather I accepted because it was all I was going to get from him at because I desperately loved and wanted him in my life!! I agree.. it’s crazy but never normal!!
Yep!! And no, you’re not the only one he treats this way… I used to think I was the only one too until speaking with Miss 16 years. It still hurt but I was comforted a little to know it wasn’t just me, but that he lies, deceives and play games with all of us. Yes, if we let them they will do serious mental and emotional damage to us… but we are stronger than that!! We do they have to be so damn charming and loveable?! Well hang in there and don’t get sucked in!
I’m not sure I am stronger than that. It’s easy for someone on the outside (e.g. friends – not people on this board) to ask what I see in him – a friend did that today. But I cannot explain it. Whatever it is, it’s just there. He spent days breaking down my defenses but I guess they weren’t really there to begin with. I thought they were. I think it’s time for a therapist because I really cannot handle this on my own. I need to know what part of ME allows this to happen, and not blame him for all of it.
Yes, I highly recommend a therapist… ask if he/she has experience with narcissists and/or sociopaths. I have a good one, she breaks it down to me so that I understand exactly what’s going on and why I kept going back. Good luck!!
I just had a revelation but I don’t know where to find it written about on this board, so I wonder if you have thought about it. I realized that my narc cycles through our relationship creating drama and chaos whenever I present as calm and reasonable. This is usually after he has been stable for awhile – I calm down. He then withdraws. It’s not because he’s uncertain. It’s because he feeds off the drama that withdrawing creates. The flip side of this is that when I am dramatic, he is very, very good at calming me down. That’s because he understands drama. He doesn’t understand its opposite.
Drama (destabilization) = an adrenaline rush for him, which also explains the intensity of the sex – it’s like make up sex after a fight. Always. The whole cycle then starts again. Right now we are at a point where I am calm because he has been present every day for a whole month. I am still happy to spend time with him but as soon as I make a reasonable attempt at sorting out what spending time would look like, he creates chaos and uncertainty. It’s an addiction. He’s a drama queen because he is an adrenaline junkie bored with life.
Anyway, I am in a good place and I hope everything is going well with you!
Hey Val… I’m ok. I’ve finally had enough of that drama! His mask came completely off and what I saw is just disgusting!! I hope you’re good. Yes, when things are calm and good the do something outrageous and or hurtful because they don’t like calm… they are bored. I got tired of being disrespected and treated poorly. Working on me now.
Good for you! I am getting to that point too, not because his mask came off but because somehow I don’t feel that connected anymore. I could take him or leave him.
Yep… that’s where I am now. I can take or leave him but I’d prefer to leave him. At this point he’s only good for sex…. even that isn’t worth the nonsense that comes with it. This fool text me a few days ago with ” we have that connection”. Yeah right… the only connection he has with anyone is whatever he can use them for.
Haha. I like the sound of this. I’ve just started seeing someone else. It’s very early days but it’s the first time I’ve been interested in anyone else, so that’s a good sign. And I feel stable because narc has stopped doing the intermittent reinforcement thing. Ironic – he stops some of the worst narc behavior and I start disengaging. But I cannot end it because every time I do, I go back. I have to wait for him to end it or for it to fade away.
Yep… that’s basically what happened with me. It faded away, I got tired. If he ended it I felt so rejected and would beg him back. They love to be pursued and begged. I’ve finally realized that I’m so much better than to be treated like that!! He’s pathetic and I’m a PRIZE!!!
Yes you are!! I’ve ended it three times but he never has. If I end it, I will second guess myself and go back but if he ends it, I won’t give it a second thought. My weird psychology, I guess. I still think mine is on the spectrum and unable to process much emotional stuff. I’m not angry or anything. Just interested in my own changing reactions to his behavior.
Now I am angry because he’s doing it again. Just when I said that we could end it but we needed to talk about it, he disappears for three days and then doesn’t respond to an email from me. He hasn’t gone one day without contact in a month but just as I began to settle down, he started up again. I am trauma bonded and I think he is having problems with his wife (understandably). But that is not my problem.
Hi Val… how are you? I’m sorry that I’m just replying… a lot going on in my life,some good some not so good. I’m doing well and not communicating with the sociopath. How are things with your guy? You have to know by now that he will always do what he did… that’s apart of who he is. I swear to you that I still love that man but I just got tired!! Life is too short to deal with their bs!!! I’ve been keeping busy working, traveling, journaling and hanging out with friends. It’s helping although I think of him daily still. I’ll be so happy when I can go days without thinking about him.
Hi Cindy! Glad you are mostly doing well. At least I hope you are! Hopefully your memories/attachment will continue to fade. I suspect I will get tired too but I wish it would happen already, just as you wish you could not think about him. Mine has modified his behavior a lot but it’s like he has no intuition at all. If I ask him to do something, he will try to comply, but he doesn’t anticipate. We had a long face to face talk a few days ago. We haven’t talked like that since me met. He knows he’s weird and different. He cannot explain himself, except that time works differently for him. It’s past, he says. He only thinks about what’s coming up. He is oblivious. I made an appt with my therapist for today to figure out why I cannot ditch him 😉
Ugh I feel terrible now. We just ended it by mutual agreement and the sociopath went off to ‘try’ with his wife because he had a ‘good time’ with her for a few weeks. I am fine with it. I think he is doing the right thing.
BUT I alternate between anger at him for getting me into this and anger at myself for allowing it to happen. I feel SO guilty about his wife, even though he does not. As far as he is concerned, if it is over, it never happened. He does not get that lying by omission is just as bad as an outright lie – he thinks if he doesn’t say anything, it didn’t happen. Now I am left holding the bag and struggling with whether or not to tell her. Part of me thinks he wants her to know, which is why he drew me back in even after I knew he was married and trying to reconcile. Part of me thinks that he is petrified that I will tell.
But the bottom line is that I think his wife has a right to know. I just cannot bring myself to tell her because it feels too violent – like I would be dropping a ton of bricks on her head and that I am that ton of bricks. I have no right to do that but then I do not have the right to withhold information that affects her either. I tried to get him to see that he was doing the same thing to his wife that he did to me (lying), but he refused to see the parallels.
I am fine except for this huge thing weighing on me now. I cannot get any help for it. My therapist says to tell her but actually doing that is another story. I cannot bring myself to do it. I do not know where to turn so I am hoping that someone on this board will help!!
Hey Val… trust me when I tell you this: you’re not the first and his wife has knowledge of his prior affairs. They are notorious cheaters AND they are kind of sloppy. I told my ex spath’a wife… it was a different situation though because they were separated ( she lived in another country and because he cheated). If you want to tell her tell her but I would tell you to just walk away and never look back. I went back a few times just for sex. I did something that I’m proud of this week… I told him no! As a result he’s giving me the silent treatment. So sad. I’m ready to walk away now. He’s a waste of time ( minus amazing sex). Do whatever your heart tells you.
Hi Cindy! Thanks for responding and it’s good to hear from you. I am happy you were able to say no! It gives me hope because I’m also anxious that he will resurface. I hope I’ll also be able to say no. At least this time I know it’s impossible to innocently reach out. And I am more convinced than ever that he is a narc.
Yes his wife knows about at least one prior because she kicked him out. I never got the details and so do not know if there has been more than one; he only grudgingly admitted to one previous. But she thinks they’ve been reconciling this whole year. I don’t think she knows he’s a serial cheater because if she did it is unlikely that she’d have wanted to try to reconcile. That pains me.
Morally I feel that everyone has the right to transparency so they can make their own decisions but it took me awhile to see the parallels between my situation with him and hers. I think I thought I was special and then I realized that lying is his way of being in the world. It is not because he needed ME. It is because that is how he is with everyone. That was a big revelation for me.
I know it’s not my problem exactly – not my circus, not my monkeys – but I’ve been wrestling with this for a week. My concern is really doing the right thing so that she has the information she needs to decide whether her marriage is worth trying to save.
I guess there is no answer as to what the right thing is. I can’t exactly contact her and claim to be innocent because the second time around I wasn’t. Maybe that is my burden to bear…
I woke up this morning convinced that he has told his wife about me but he has lied and said we were only involved last year when they were separated, and that I am deluded. He’s done this in case I get in touch with her. I guess the best thing for me to do is nothing but I am just shocked that I am beginning to think the way he does. If I were to tell her, he’s made it so that she will not believe me. I don’t have much evidence – thousands of emails but all from a fake email (though she’d know it was him), details about their lives that I could only know if he had told me, a screen shot of him on a dating site, a few naughty pictures of body parts. That’s about it! I don’t have DNA evidence or anything :-). I don’t have pictures of the two of us together.
The thing is sweetheart – there’s no point. Even if it was worth the effort, for every lie you clarify , theres another lie that kicks you in the gut. They lie!!!! That’s how they got us in! They lied. They mirrored. They were literally your perfect man because they were the reflection of what you wanted.
But they lie.
They then lie to others to get themselves out of strife. They don’t care who goes under the bus.
I’m 2 years out of a 5 year affair. The first 18 mths were so wonderful I spent the next 3.5 yrs thinking I must be going nuts that all these things were not making sense. Forgiving or overlooking the most despicable lies!
Eventually he cheated on me ( was for a long time) and left me for her. They are having a surprise baby soon. Hes 48 she’s 43!! It still hurts and I miss my perfect bf of all those years ago
But back to you. His wife knows he lies! She’ll know he’s lying about you.
Walk away, head up, let that crazy bus drive off. You are worth so much more!!
Stay here and talk often – trust me it helps!!
G
Yes, they lie about the lies. Good point! Thanks!
They lie about EVERYTHING!!!
Hey Cindy how are you doing?
Hi Pos…. not good, but I’m determined. I recently went back to no contact but a couple days ago he emailed me. I didn’t want to open the email so I didn’t. I went to actually delete it but I saw the first sentence and it seemed harmless… he was basically saying he was going to leave me alone but the rest said ” for now… he would contact me soon… thanks for caring about him”. I was livid!!! WTH!! If that wasn’t bad enough I have reason to believe that he’s back with his ex-wife!! So he’s emailing me to tell me that he’s backing off for now ( because most likely he’s back with her) but basically saying to me I still hope that you’re around later when I want to see you!! I was livid!!! I cried myself to sleep with angry tears. How dare he!!! Today I have taken some drastic step to hopefully ensure that I will NEVER have any contact with him!!! I want my life back!! I want to feel good about myself again!! I want peace within! I’m so tired of inner turmoil because of this POS!!!
I am sorry to hear you are still going round the circle Cindy, how long has this been now? You know he can play this game with you forever, right? If you allow him. But it will mean that you will also deny yourself a loving and fulfilling relationship too. You are accepting scraps and settling, when you could have so much more.
Positivagirl…. I took great strides today to end this once and for all. He was already blocked from calling and texting now from email. I know his mother doesn’t approve of me or him seeing me , so I messaged her asking to talk to him and ask him to leave me alone. I am trying…. you of all people know it’s not that easy. I will admit I was weak for him… I could not be strong enough to resist him when he pursued me. Clearly I’m getting stronger now. I think I’ve put a lot things in place to hopefully ensure that he can’t get to me. If he can’t go through the regular channels: call/text/email he won’t go out of his way to contact me. Now is time for healing and rebuilding me.
I know how difficult it is Cindyt it isn’t normal to want to end a relationship with somebody that you love. I am going to be around from now on. I will be posting regularly too. This is a cat and mouse game. You know he lies to his mother and blames it all on you, says that you are the crazy one etc etc. The truth is that the longer you hang around him he can send you crazy. I know that I did almost lose my mind. I thought I was gone for good. I could barely string a sentence together.
This is why this site is so great!! Only people who have gone thru this understand. I frequently feel like I’m going crazy…. I feel like just dying just so I don’t feel this pain, confusion, worthlessnes. I fought back tears most of the day at work ( wasn’t a good day) but I was determined to end this torment and disrespect for me. I don’t care what he tells his mother about me…. I’m actually using her as an ally. I know he’s lied to her about not seeing me since November 2015, I sent her screenshots of him texting and emailing me asking to see me ( so he can’t lie). I’m happy that you will be around. I just learned today that I’m a victim of trauma bounding…. Jesus!!! What else can these people do to us?!!
I had trauma bonding and stockholm syndrome too. It took a really long time to break away. Breaking away physically was one thing. Breaking away psychologically, was quite another.
😢😥. I’m so tired of trying… life shouldn’t be this hard. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same, happy, or whole again. I feel so broken inside. I don’t really know what to do to stop the inner turmoil. I feel crazy most days… I present this pretty picture on the outside but inside is so much turmoil!
Is there anyway that you could get access to a therapist Cindy?
I’ve been in therapy for over a year now. I left her a message asking to come in this week. I’m sure she will reply tomorrow. She works everyday so I’m sure I’ll get in this week.
I found trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome too when I was poking around on the internet trying to figure out why I could not let go. I even told him I was trauma bonded to him but since he doesn’t get emotions, it went right over his head.
Anyway, I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much Cindy, and I cannot believe that email! How twisted! Who thinks like that? (I know who does.) And you are right postivagirl that it’s difficult to leave someone you love. It doesn’t make sense to us normal people. Goes against all of our instincts.
I am now in a different country from mine. At least I think I am. He travels a lot and really could be anywhere. Here’s something amusing: this time last year I was where I am now – even in the same neighborhood. I thought I was 3000 miles away from him. But guess what? I was out with a friend one night for a late dinner and who pops up where I am? Yep. That’s when the worst of it started.
I have to laugh, though more out of despair than anything else.
Five weeks no contact! But done it before for close to 10, so until I get to 10 weeks and beyond, I won’t feel that I’ve accomplished anything.
I’m seriously considering finding another job… the agency is where we met, started seeing each other. It has too many memories. When I’m ok and happy it’s ok, doesn’t bother me… some days it affects me so much to be there… some days I fight back tears especially if I have to go to the floor/department that he used to work in. I think I would heal quicker if I didn’t have that daily reminder.
Cindy, I think about this issue too – reclaiming one’s space. Would you really escape him if you left your job? I would have to move out of my flat to escape the memories of mine. I think it is almost impossible with all of the electronic communications and social media, as well as physical space, to completely escape. Also, if you like your job maybe you should keep it because otherwise you will be letting him take that away from you too.
That said, I am feeling better now that I (think) I am 3000 miles away from him. But I will still have to go back, I will still have to live in the same place, and I will still be at the mercy of online communications. In the end it has to be more of a mental exercise than anything else. Reclaiming psychic as well as physical space.
Yes, I think getting another job will help me to move on…. yes, I will still think of him anywhere that I am BUT the job is where we met, visit each other’s offices, went to lunch daily. Some days it’s too much sadness to be there. Yes, we spent time at my apartment but that not where we met. Where I work has a beautiful rooftop deck…. we used to meet up there to talk out our problems or to have lunch. I can’t even go up there anymore. The problem with being at the job is that’s where we were the happiest together so it hurts when some of those memories come back. Yes I like where I work and I’ve given it a year. I think a new beginning won’t hurt.
Hi Cindy
I changed my job not long after ex socio left me. We used to have daily coffee, and I could see him drive into the car park when he arrived (every day), lots of phone calls, every Cafe was a place we went to , it was just too hard. Also I had stayed in a job that allowed me that flexibility and was not too hard for him to come to. So I changed – same company different area, very busy, totally consuming and no familiar haunts. Its helped a lot.
Having said thst though I have since forced myself to go to every single place I used yo go with him – either on my own or with a gf. Essential to face your demons and see those places as no longer a place you shared some special moments but in reality a place where I was fooled by more lies and fakeness
Gx
Gabrielle… I’m at work now and I just had to go on the floor and department that he worked in. It all reminded me of him… I pictured him at his desk, the halls,etc. It wasn’t too bad today because I’m feeling better but I think I would move past all the pain he’s inflicted on me.
Totally your call but if it’s a career move you were contemplating at some stage (as I was) doing it sooner rather than later isn’t a bad thing. I’m also in govt
Sounds like a good idea, then. I hope you can find something you like just as much.
I work for the US government… I can transfer to another agency.
I’ve said this before… he’s not your typical sociopath, not with me he isn’t. Now that he’s blocked from calling/texting or emailing me I doubt that he will go to any other lengths to get in touch with me. I’m not that important to him and he has other supply. All this time I made sure that he had access to me but now I’m ready to close this chapter so I’ve taken the steps. It hurts but allowing him to keep treating me like trash hurts way more!!
Cindy
My ex Monstrr was similar. He actually blocked me and after nearly 5 years of seeing eachother every day, 20+ texts a day, declarations of love, weekends away, promises of a future…. He just ended it out if the blue, and then blocked me. He’ll respond politely if I contact him ( every few months because I’m weak) but it’s a brief polite exchange and then nothing
Gabrielle…. I know it hurts but try your best to move on. Mine will block me if we get into an argument or something like that. It never last long… in the past year it get less frequent ( the duration in which I’m blocked). It got to the point when I didn’t worry about it because I knew it would last a few days to a couple weeks. He will then email me when he wants to see me… if I reply or don’t he will unblock me then text me. Because HE wanted to see me. You may still hear from you ex but if I were you I would take this time to work on you. Good luck with everything.
Thanks
It’s ok he has moved on (new gf and s surprise (he’s 46 she’s 43) baby on the way). I’ve been blocked on phone for 18mths but he responds to email.
Hes toxic and lies to all he’s a genuine sociopath. I’m better with him out of my life.
You sure are!!
I think I may have had a lucky escape, which I at first deemed unlucky and blamed myself. I can’t 100 percent say if he was a sociopath but I think he could have been..
So we met online. One night before meeting we spoke for 2 hrs, he seemed so inquisitive and keen, wanted to know everything about me.. which I was flattered by.
A few key phrases he used before we had even met:
“It’s like you’re my doppelgänger”
“What’s the catch, how are you single”
“I best get a move on and meet you before you’re stolen off me by someone else”
“I’ve never spoken to someone for so long”
Amidst others..
Finally we met and he was the most charming/confident/energetic person I’ve ever come across.. highly intellectual and centred the conversation around these topics. We went for 2 venues he paid in the first place but said his card had broken in second where I paid. I was quickly seduced and ended up back at his place on the first date (which I never do)…
Continually contacting me afterwards except periods were he would disappear for a number of days, to extent messages wouldn’t go through and then resurface. Continuing to shower the compliments and ask everything about me. Even would send me videos of just him talking..
On a further date things take a slightly darker turn, he asks if it can be in my area, I agree and we meet. Interestingly before all dates he told me that his phone had “ran out of charge” and sometimes this would be for days (leading me to think he has 2 phones)..
He continued to be overall amazingly charming. When I reflect about it he spoke allot but never said many personal details about himself mainly surface comments, about intellectual matters/policy/business topics/quotes. He was always re-directing to me for my opinion/pausing.. with this fixed gaze and smirk throughout.
During the date in contrast to the last date, he made a few derogatory comments about members of society which I challenged him on I.e. About gypsies, mental health and being generally ruthless in business.
During conversation I can best describe it as he wanted me to be intelligent, but he also wanted me to slip up.. he’d put me on the spot asking me to reference laws during debates (which I was able to do) it almost felt like I was having a test.
He’d make some comments which were so inhumane when I reflect but at the time he almost made it out as if he was joking, I.e saying he will do “anything” to get a business deal and that he knows how to “work people to get what he wants” said his mantra was “find a solution or fuck off”. All with a smile may I add and would switch to a jovial tone. He continued to lather the charm on me amidst this. At one point I said something he didn’t agree with and he slightly raised his voice at me and said “don’t say that!”. I’m usually a strong person and he almost made me feel a need to correct myself.
He also during the date asked if I could analyse him and if I knew what he was thinking, I said that I couldn’t in such a busy place. He stared at me during this, very fixed eye contact and smirk. I made a joke saying he’s very confident and he laughed but would not reveal what he was thinking when I then asked. Changing the topic. Body language was super open, not one twitch or arm crossing, no signs of any discomfort or nervousness..
Anyhow it all cultivates in this scene, he asked me to go outside for a cigarette with him which I did, he then says to me (it’s 11pm at this point) “let’s go and get some food” I say “it’s a residential area I don’t think anywhere will be open” he pushes the matter and asked if I was “hungry”. I said I’m not that hungry as I’d eaten earlier, he quizzes me “what was it?” “What time?” Which I answer. In the end after this (upon reflection due to the pressure) I said okay “I’ll just pop to the bathroom and think where to go”. I get back and without warning he had gone!
Best way I can describe it is he didn’t walk out on me on a “nah I don’t like you this is awkward basis”. He walked out on “I’m not getting my way, so screw you basis” he even purposely left the rest of the bill and got the waitress to deliver it to me..
it all felt so humiliating and left me thinking what have I done to deserve this.. he’d had multiple opportunities to say let’s the get the bill and go..
I know I only knew him for around a month, but in a strange way I’ve felt more affected by this than the end of a longer term relationship. I sent a message afterwards asking for an explanation about his behaviour and received no response. The whole scenario made me question what I did that was so offensive, to cause the walk out after how keen he had been all night… but upon reflection I cannot think of anything that warranted it.
I have now concluded I may have had a lucky escape.
I just recently discovered the truth about my husband (soon to be ex). He was lying to me for years. We got married three years ago. We’re both LDS and got married in the temple. Now that I look back, I realize how much he lied to me. He was so manipulative. During the course of our marriage, he could never ever find a job. The only time that he worked was when I got him a job at my place of work. He was always looking and could never find one. I actually felt sorry for him. I thought that maybe he couldn’t find a job because he was Brazilian. I am American, but I met him in Brazil and he came to the U.S. on a fiance visa. Now, I realize that he just used me to get here. He was so lazy, he played video games all day. He never slept and went to bed at like 8AM. He told me that he just had issues with sleep and had been that way his whole life. I just found out a month ago that he was lying to me about being in college. He lied to me for over a year. He would leave the house and pretend to go to school. He even spoke about his teachers, his tests, and told me he was getting Straight A’s in software engineering. I thought that he was so smart. When I questioned him about never doing any homework, he got so upset with me and told me that he did it at night when I was sleeping. He worked well at night supposedly. One time, I saw an email on his computer from a teacher saying they were dropping him because he had not done any work in the class. I confronted him and he got SO mad at me for not trusting him. He acted so concerned that his teacher was mistaken and told me he would go straighten it out with his teacher. He then told me I needed to work on my trust issues and should go to therapy. I literally just CANNOT get over all of the lies he told me. It was three years of marriage and three years of dating before that. All of it was lies. Not to even mention all of the verbal abuse, slamming doors, ignoring me, lack of empathy etc.
It is hard to get over what wasn’t real. As you were in love with a lie. I recall that I felt it was easier to believe the lie, than to believe that I was duped and conned. You were not stupid. As they really are masters at their game. Mine would go to fake jobs, he did not know people in my city, so would leave the house at 6am to go to his fake job. In reality he was sitting in the local library. He really did enjoy the ‘game’ and the fact that he really did not feel conscience to experience guilt, remorse or shame. Makes you wonder what he was doing all night until 8am? (probably online?)
After reading a couple of pages on the site, obviously trying to work out some things, the pain never fully dies, i find the gender role quite disturbing, as it is always a “he”. Another part of the information in how to deal with somebody that has a hidden agenda and lack of remorse is given to mirror the person, well i did that and in the end after 17 years of relationship, three children, i became the raving lunatic or as is put in some pages, narcissistic raging. With this in mind, i would suggest that emulating something that one despises, only creates monsters with which the deceiver can use to their advantage. I lost my three children as i became destitute due to psychological trauma, the social welfare putting the final nail in the coffin. I am of an age that has little hope of returning back to the so called dream in life. Once awakened, one can not forget and the scenario of my children living with their mother that objectifies everything which enhances her bank account and parasitic lifestyle only serves as a message to all that read this. Sociopaths are quite the norm nowadays as money becomes the glue in life. The government allows sociopathic mentality, as it fits very well into the business model of economics and the state skimming off taxes from people is just another form of this despicable behaviour. I thank the heavens for providing me with meditation and the freeing up of the attachment but know my children miss me and they are hurt by my no contact, which was not always so. i have tried previously, to rectify the problem, but it takes two to tango, and when one is without empathy and very intelligent, the odds are stacked against the empath. Thanks for the site, it is a piece of sanity in a very messed up world. Cain still kills Able and there is no end. Good luck to all and remember love is always within the heart.
No it isn’t ‘always he’ only posts from 2013 are he. it is 2017 now, 4 years later, all post have been written gender neutral after the first year when the blog became popular and was read by people other than the sociopath who was a man.
Hi I wanted to share my story with a sociopath and deceptive narcissist I met 2 years ago and just recently cut off for good. This story is a bit long so bear with me, if you don’t mind. His name is Silas Kamara but when we first met he lied and told me his name was “Kamara Obegenwae”-he lied and said his last name was his first name and he completely fabricated a last name. I would later find out why he did this. I first met him When I was on my way from college class I had stopped to the store and picked up a few items. On my way to the bus stop I passed a guy who I initially thought was Jamaican because he had a really beautiful, tropical sounding accent . I walked to the bus stop and waited here for a few minutes and soon after the ” jamaican” guy came up behind me and asked me what time the bus was coming. I wasn’t really in a talkative mood so I told him I wasn’t sure and left it at that. However the guy started flirting with me, told me how beautiful I looked and asked me where I was on my way to. He and I began to talk more and I found out he was actually from Sierra Leone and we talked about astrology and traveling. I told him my birthday was January 3rd and that I’m a Capricorn and I found out he was a Virgo (Virgo men are my personal favorites and his birthday was September 5th). I already felt chemistry with him and after our bus came we talked and laughed on it like it was just the two of us and he asked could he walk me home. I said yes and I jokingly said he probably just wanted to find out where I live. He playfully said yes he did but little did I know it was actually serious. He walked me to my house we exchanged numbers and he called me when he got home and mentioned that he would be out of town for a couple weeks but as soon as he got back he wanted to take me out on a date. I said okay and we talked more over the next couple days. However on the second day of knowing him he called me that morning and told me that he was ” in love with me “. I laughed and told him he was a charmer but no one falls in love that fast. He restated that he was in love with me and complete seriousness and he told me that the reason why he felt the need to tell me was because he is a “romantic/sentimental type” and he felt he had known me forever. Obviously I didn’t take him seriously but odd behavior what set the tone for the remainder of our relationship. When he got back from his trip we met at the park by my house and talked for 2 hours when he asked can I come back to his house later (he lived in the same neighborhood as me) and he could cook dinner for me. I said okay and later on he returned and we walked to his house. I’m a dominatrix when it comes to kink and role-play so I asked him could I tie him up and he enthusiastically allowed me to do it to him. I pleasured him but I told him earlier that day that I wasn’t comfortable having sex with him just yet. However while he was still tied to the bed he had been so aroused that he said ” how are you going to do this to me?” meaning he felt that I had gotten him so turned on that I somehow owed him sex. I told him no because he also did not have a condom and even if I were going to change my mind I would not want to have sex without a condom because I do not want to get pregnant. I untied him and we made out for a bit and he started to give me a massage but then got on top of me and asked me “why I didn’t why trust him”. I told him it was nothing personal but that I just didn’t feel comfortable without a condom. However he persisted and begged me to let him have sex with me for “just 5 minutes” and he promised he would pull out. However 5 minutes became 20 minutes and he wound up nearly ejaculating inside of me. I was so scared and upset that I told him to take me home right then and there. I realized that what happened to me was not rape but I still felt like I had been coerced and pressured to having sex when I had no intention to do so. However I didn’t feel like I could confide in anyone and for the next two weeks I was so scared of getting pregnant so my period was delayed. Meanwhile Silas found a way to play the victim and ask why I stormed out when he wanted me to spend the night (we had never agreed to that) and he told me I owed him an apology. I told him I was scared so I didn’t owe him anything and he didn’t know how to take no for an answer. Eventually I forgave him but every time we met up he would try to find a way to try to coerce me into having unprotected sex (I never agreed to it again) and afterwards he would accuse me of “acting up” just because I wanted to be responsible with my body. I grew sick of his rude attitude and we stopped talking for a couple months however in January of 2016 we begin talking again and he would arrange to meet his house where we would have sex and he will cook for me afterwards. However I begin to notice this was a consistent pattern And he never would actually take me on dates. When I confronted her about this I asked him was he just using me for sex and if yes just to be honest about it (I have no problem having casual sex but he kept saying how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and felt that if he just wanted sex he should stop saying things like that and be honest.) however he told me the only reason why he hadn’t taken me out was because he had a low income job and had no time for money to take me anywhere special, or so he said. My intuition told me something wasn’t right and after doing some Google searches I found out that not only had he lied about not having a Facebook account, he lied about his name, and he was a novice pastor in his African congregation and ironically often gave sermons on abstinance and chasity (i’m not religious but I thought the hypocrisy was absurd). I also discovered that he frequently went on expensive outings and trips he paid for with various friends (even though he told me he never had money to go anywhere at the time). He lived a complete double life. About a month later Silas called me early in the morning because he ask could I come to his house that day and he said he had something he wanted to talk to me about and it was important. I told him that he could just tell me on the phone, however he said it was “big” and he needed to talk to me as soon as possible. I went to his house later that morning and he had made me a fruit platter and he asked me to come close to him so he could hold me and tell me what he wanted to talk to me about. I was nervous but I figured he was probably going to tell me that he was moving or something. He began by telling me that he’s been struggling with his job and his citizenship and he’s worried about losing his work permit legally and the only way to keep it is if he gets married. I felt a knot form in my stomach and then he proceeded to ask me if I could marry him so that he could legally keep his working visa. I was appalled and angry then I begin to cry and I told him that I felt used, and that what he wanted to do was illegal and that probably didn’t even realized how used and taken advantage of I felt. He quickly began to apologize and told me that he wanted to marry me anyway but he was waiting for the right time to ask in this situation was just the most convenient for him. He began to try to control me and coddle me and because of my vulnerable state we were intimate later (he knew how to push my buttons). However I told him no and I went home angry as I usually did with him. When I got home I began to ask myself why I put up with him when he always makes me so upset. One day a few weeks later while we were walking to his house a family friend who lived nearby had seen us and she called my dad and told him she was worried about me because the guy she saw me with (Silas) was, in her own words, a ” sexual predator and bad news”. She said she knew exactly who he was because he had propositioned her in the past and she also told me later on that she found out that he was under investigation for sexual assault on a woman close to my age and the best thing I could do is stay away from him for my own good. At first I thought it was a case of mistaken identity because Silas has shown me his background report from a work application when I confronted him on what my neighbor had told me about him, but then I thought that to how he had course pressure me into having sex with him the day we met and how he got on top of me and persisted that we do it and I began to have suspicions and worries. However we still maintained contact and he would always persist in asking me to marry him however towards the end of the year (December 2016) he told me that if I didn’t marry him he would find someone else to do it so he could keep his Visa. I told him that I had no intention on marrying him and I only believed in marrying for love. He insisted he loved me but I knew he was being deceptive and manipulative. In February of this year (2017) right before Valentine’s Day he had bought me a ring and formally proposed me with it. Admittedly I was flattered but I still refused his offer and reminded him that what he wanted to do was illegal. After that I didn’t hear from him for an entire month but one night I got a call from him and he was in a car talking and laughing with other people and he said he would call me again when he got home. Later on he revealed to me that he followed through with his plan to marry someone for his Visa and he paid a woman he had ust met the previous week to help him with his marriage scam. I can’t say I was surprised but then he asked could we still meet and have sex and that he still loved me and it was purely a marriage of convenience and that he was planning to divorce her after 10 months. Needless to say I was disgusted and I met up with him just so I could tell him off. He also told me that the woman he “married” already had a boyfriend which turned out to be another lie. She had a son and she looked old enough to be Silas’ mother. He would post pictures and social media the two of them on outings and dates (remember he had still been telling me that he did not have the money to take me out anywhere.) I felt awful because I realized I had merely been used for sex the entire time and while he tried to use me for marriage fraud and he successfully used his new “wife” for his schemes he still would take her to all the places he never took me (the only time we ever spent together was in his bed) and it made me feel awful. I felt like an unpaid prostitute for him all along, and what angered me is that if he only wanted casual sex he could have just been honest with me instead of feeding me lies and decieving me about so many things. He also kept changing his story because at first he said he and the woman were not romantically or sexually involved but then he said they were temporarily have been he changed his story again and said that they weren’t. I no longer believed a word he said. The last time I ever saw him was in July about a month ago he had come to my house crying in his car and apologizing because the woman he “married” would not sign over her assets to him and he was worried about losing his job because she wouldn’t sign all of the property papers. He had the audacity to ask me to sign a lease note one his apartment so he wouldn’t lose the room he rented out. Thoroughly disgusted, I told him I didn’t ever want to see him again and not to ever call me again. I found out that he and the woman are somehow on good terms, he still takes her everywhere and looks after her son, and I believe they now live together in a different County (possibly because his scam began to unravel and he was desperate for it to look legitimate or so he told me). I’m angry and hurt because I feel like I was used yet I gain nothing from it and all the things he should have done for me he does now for the other woman he scammed. I wish he would have never tried to get me emotionally involved because it could have saved me the heartache. If he would have just been about only wanting sex I would have happened to him but instead he played on my emotions and never once apologized for what he put me through. I feel its unfair because it seems like he gets to move on and be happy and do fun things and go on the all outings that he claimed he had no money for and he never paid for his deceit and lies and the marriage scam. He goes to his church and preaches to his congregation yet he has skeletons in his closet. He’s judgmental (he would often judge me for how I dress and say I’m inappropriate and “dress like a whore” right after having sex with me ironically). He would constantly make promises he never kept and pretends he’s so perfect and everyone falls for it. I’m just angry and trying to get over everything I went through with him. It’s hard each day I’m stronger and and make an effort move on.
Hi lioness,
I feel ur sadness and frustration. I just wanted to share something with u for better or for worse. I had a pattern that repeated itself many times over when it came to my choice of woman (I’m a heterosexual male). I kept getting involved with “damsels in distress that somehow became these female killer sharks once they had me worn down and reeled in. I wasn’t ready to move in with last one, so she insisted on “squating at my apartment,” knowing that I as a teacher knowing she had two teenage boys at home, would do what I had to do to get her back home: this included me starting to spend more nights there.
Once there the “if u don’t want to move in I’ll just see other people”
Hints started coming. To make a long story short, unmoved in and she took me complete hostage.
The moral of the story is this: even though she was a manipulative pain In The ass who harangued and coerced me into doing things (including buying her a car), she never held a gun to my head. The only thing I ever needed to do was admit to myself that I would miss the sex badly but would have to get used to life again without her pretty face in it. Thing was, like most hostage situations, the longer u remain captive, the more difficult it is to leave. The answer to that is don’t give these pariahs an inch once they give u that initial knot in ur gut. Cut them off immediately. Attractive or not, get the freak away from them. They will impair u once your hostage. They will confuse u with their lies and I. The end try to convince u it is u that is the bad acted.
So for me, to avoid doing further damage to myself, I had to change my pattern of letting women chose me. I now take the responsibility of chiding them
The thing is with a sociopath, that there are no signs that anything is wrong. On the surface everything appears to be normal. Or more than normal, it can appear to be perfect, heaven, soul mate connection. You would have no idea of the reality as it is done behind the scenes.
Normalcy: “white knight baiting”
“My ex husband is dangerous. men r stalking me. E and my two sons r scared to be in the house alone.” So I start to do sleep overs. her ex let’s himself in at 10pm at night. I’m good with people, but am physically imposing, so I can pull off diplomacy vs. confrontation pretty well. I greet him in the kitchen and ask him if it’s a good idea to be in the house knowing his wife and kids are scared of him. She chastises me for being rude to the father of her kids right infront of them. When I confront her would be stalkers, I find her having coffee with them in a diner the next day in a diner. When I meet the group they all look at me like the weirdo. I find out later she told them I was “controlling.” So, though having an sbusive ex and male stalkers could be a little quesionable, it isn’t necessarily when it comes to a beautiful woman. Those problems could be almost looked at as expected or “normal.” It’s also for a guy who is the lover to take on a protective role (especially when asked) . The part that is confusing is the way she would exploit those “normal” paradigms as a way to cause cognative dissonance in me. I could never be right, and would eventually become ostracized from the crowd we both knew because of her pathology and social humiliations. Once she had me hooked on the idea that I was a good lover,she began the process of dismantling my confidence in bed. Saying stuff like “black guys know how to dominate. It’s too bad u don’t,” I was emotionally destroyed by this sick tramp. Oh yeah, after moving out of my perfectly nice apartment into her home,I discovered it was in forclosure.
BUT, all this pain could’ve been avoided if I had just had enough stamina to pull away from her when she lured me in through sympathy in the beginning when she squared in my apartment because “she was scared to go home.” It never dawned on me (cuz I was getting layed every night..sorry but true) that the fact that she was ruthlessly leaving her sons in an unsafe environment while she slept peacefully at my apartment. And there might be a chance that she was just making it all up to get me to move in with her do she could control and dismantle me emotionally.
I guess if you had moved in, she would have planned for you to pay for her, and then you would have seen the sociopathic side? I know that a lot of victims of female sociopaths say how they use sex to lure their victims.
yeah I haven’t spoken to him since I cut him off over a month ago and of course on fb hes carrying on like nothing happened. Its like he has no conscience.
Hi Val… yes I’m struggling. It’s not so much that I love him, it’s the treatment. I just will never understand how people treat anyone like that… especially the ones who love them and treat them well. I know why the do it, it just hurts.
I don’t understand it either :-(. They are like androids in those science fiction films. They look like humans, talk like humans, but they are not humans!!
Hi everyone, I hope you are all good. I am reaching out because I am suddenly struggling with no contact!! It’s been two months and the only thing I’ve experienced is some online stalking. We are in different countries now and maybe because I think I have a handle on things and the anger has waned and there is never any closure I feel like reaching out. But I am determined NOT to do it this time because it was just as big a mess last time as it was the time before and the time before that. Maybe now I have learned my lesson. But why do I suddenly have this urge??
I just wanted to add that on the upside, my tolerance for assholes is very low these days. Somehow, though, I keep running into them. One guy has been taking me out on and off for two years – we’ve sort of danced around the idea of a relationship but have been friends. A few weeks ago he took me out, called it a ‘date’ and then ignored me for half the night. He seems to need a harem of admirers (another narcissist?) and I called him on it. Got fed up with his behavior, which is too bad because I would have liked to be friends but he can’t seem to get his head around that. I’ve never had problems like this before. I always met people I liked and had good relationships with. That part of my life seems to have ended. Am I attracting assholes now because of one sociopath?
Hi Valerie,
I’ve just read your comment, and what you say resonated strongly with me.
Firstly, you ask if you are attracting the same sort of man because of your attraction to a sociopath. In my opinion, the answer to that is “No” – you are attracting similar types because of the person you are – almost certainly kind, caring, empathic and open.
The difference is that now you are aware of the danger signs and not taken in so easily or without question. Previously, you may well have made excuses for a man (“he’s trying to impress me because he’s nervous” or “we all tell little white lies to impress people sometimes”). Empathic people find it hard to accept someone is “all bad”, they look for reasons and try to exonerate the other person.
Your trust has been abused, you’ve been hurt and disappointed by a sociopath, probably over and over again, little wonder that you are wary about it happening again. If it feels wrong, it is wrong, I believe there is a very high percentage of the population who are narcissistic and sociopathic, years ago it would have been called something else “a womaniser, an egomaniac, a fraud, a liar and a cheat.” You are just tuned in now to the red flags, it will take time to trust again.
When you mentioned a “harem” it made my blood run cold. That is exactly what my last partner wanted. I sent him a song by Sarah Brightman and he was very excited that it was from an album called “Harem”. He joked about it, but I’d only just met him and didn’t realise the significance. Soon after, I realised that he had more than a hundred women friends on Facebook, some he had slept with just once, some he had never met but “dated” online. He was proud that they messaged him, and was angry when I objected to many who commented on our photos with remarks aimed at him, certainly not me.
Today, it’s all over the news about the death of Hugh Hefner, many jokes about his “harem” of Bunny girls. It struck me that it’s a peculiar form of narcissism when a man of 86 seems to believe that a beautiful model of 26 is attracted to him for himself alone. I knew that my ex-partner would have loved to be surrounded by a harem like that, because the narcissist is incapable of real emotion, and only feels brief and fleeting excitement either sexual or through power. They are like film sets – all convincing facade and hollow and empty behind.
I hope you find a decent man to rebuild your trust, Valerie. Trust has to be earned, not demanded, if someone is demanding it, be cautious!
Keep strong, and remember, you are more valuable than any sociopath could ever be.
Hi Lanalana5, Thank you for responding to me!! I’ve had a really rough day! The harem stuff, well, I never met any guy like the one who recently took me out on a date. For two years now he’s been coming onto me (on and off because we don’t live in the same city or even in the same country except for a few months a year) but he’s never actually made a move. When we’re together or communicating he is always mentioning other women. I couldn’t figure out why – does he want me to be like his sister and confide in me? Does he want me to compete with other women? I couldn’t figure it out. But your harem story, well, it sounds sort of like that except that I don’t think this guy has slept with anyone in years. He has this ex-girlfriend who works with him and always, always calls when he and I are together. Then he has to hide the fact that he’s with me even though nothing has happened with me!! We haven’t even kissed. Maybe he’s been using me to get his ex back? But we go for months and months without seeing each other, so I am not the best person if he’s trying to triangulate. I just did not get it at all so I called him on it. Thank goodness I did not get involved with him, right? I am grateful that he did not make a move.
I too have been watching the Hugh Hefner stuff with disgust. I like your film set analogy. I find real life much more interesting than fantasy life. Months ago I put something about preferring reality to fantasy on an online dating profile and my narc (not the harem guy, the guy I originally came to this site about – the one I was missing today! 🙂 ) stalked me on the dating site and messaged me about that line. At the time, he had told me not weeks before that he was reconciling with his wife. So yeah, they live in fantasy land because I guess real life is too boring. They are bored with themselves. They have no inner life. Hugh Hefner was able to make his fantasies come alive but most guys like that cannot.
Thank you again for your comment!
Hi again, Valerie,
I hope you have had a better few days. We all go up and down, it’s natural to want the comfort of loving, the picture these “charmers” paint is compelling, it’s so hard to believe that in the good times it was all lies, all fake, but it was.
Sometimes I think I must have imagined the things he said to me, but he also wrote them on Evernote, so I have the evidence in writing! Reading those notes now, the sudden change in his behaviour to me is incomprehensible. This is why we miss the person we thought we loved, because we struggle to believe that there wasn’t a grain of truth in it. We comfort ourselves by looking for reasons why they change, and even blame ourselves. We have to understand that there was no truth, it was all fake, a mirage.
Thinking about this man who takes you out and talks endlessly of other women, I can only presume that it’s an ego boost for him. My gut instinct tells me that his “ex girlfriend” is nothing of the sort, she’s very much in his life, could even be his wife. He probably gets a kick out of being with you when she calls him, a sort of power trip. Saying that he hasn’t had sex for two years is also a typical technique – it’s designed to lull you into a false sense of security. Your sympathy is roused by the confession, and he seems like the sort of man who appreciates women for themselves not just for sex. Don’t be fooled – it’s probably a calculated lie.
The narcissist in my life liked women in foreign countries, particularly South America where he had business links. He didn’t want someone to have access to him all the time, so he could travel between places picking and choosing. I pitied the women who followed him on Facebook, I don’t know if they all believed that they were special, but he’s a predator and they seemed blind to the fact. I’m not saying that everyone wants a full and committed relationship, but honesty is essential, and he lies to get what he wants. These men play games, they don’t care about the consequences. They erode your self worth, and laugh about it.
We all have to stand strongly on our own sense of right and wrong, my senses are deeply offended by dishonesty, and every time I am tempted to try to “make things right” with someone who has treated me with contempt, I remember that they are the ones who should ask for forgiveness – it won’t ever happen in the case of a sociopath, unless they want something more from you, until there is nothing left.
Everyone has their bad days, Valerie, but something good is just around the corner if you are true to yourself.
Lana x
Hi Lana, Thanks for your comment. I’ve been keeping track of my moods because I cannot believe they are really about the narc. They are about something else – he is just a projection of something else.
The guy who takes me out (harem guy) – I’ve known him for a long time and we have a lot of friends in common. I know his family and all about the ex. It is what he says it is. He’s not involved with anyone. It’s more that he feels the need to pretend. He doesn’t want anything from me other than admiration. Once I called him out, he disappeared – same as narc!
Funny you should say that yours did not want people to have access to him all the time. Narc is like that too. He also travels a lot for work and would disappear during his travels from the very beginning. However, I will give him this: when I told him that I was having anxiety attacks, which is why I dumped him several times, he stayed in touch every single day for a month, including while traveling, until I was okay. He even did it beyond that and I had to tell him he could stop. (That’s the part of him that I loved – he’d comply, calm me down, tolerate my volatility.)
But he suddenly reverted to form and complained that everyone, including me, monitored him. Yet I never knew where he was or what he was doing and never asked because he was usually at work and I wouldn’t contact him outside of work hours, though he did me. He also ALWAYS asked what I was doing, where I was going, if my son was around, etc. So, the things he accused me of, he was doing to me. I didn’t mind because I’m not secretive and I do have an interesting life. But he has nothing to hide EITHER – there were no other women (except his wife – the first half of our relationship he lied to me; the second half was an affair) and I can tell from his sparse public Instagram page that he was truthful about his travels. Harem guy has nothing to hide either. But they both felt the need to turn things up a notch. Why? To pretend to be more complex/important/interesting than me?
I’ll tell you what it is: it is controlling behavior to put me in my place, which boosts their egos. It sounds like that’s what yours was doing too. So thanks again for your comments because they made me realize that both men have control issues!!
Hi Valerie!
Thanks for your reply. I too have questioned over and over my own reactions. I have blamed hormones, upbringing, past experiences and even my own “nature”. I can be sure of one thing – the “narc” has never done that, because he doesn’t believe that he does anything wrong ever, despite a history of multiple broken relationships and having walked out on two sons by different mothers.
I must say, your chap sounds as if he did care about you during that month of your anxiety attack. Of course, in the early weeks of my relationship my narc was incredibly attentive – but in my case it was control. He made me produce a spreadsheet of all my assets, income and personal effects. He insisted I move into his house whilst he was away – it looked like caring, but it was control. I knew that it felt wrong, but I trusted him and even then blamed myself for being too insecure. When I was totally isolated in South Korea with him, his behaviour was bizarrely the opposite of what it had been. I found pages of notes about me in the apartment. They were notes about my childhood, my schooling, my children and previous relationships. Every time we had had conversations on Skype, and he had shown deep interest in my life, he had taken notes. It was a bit chilling. Why did he do that? In order to discover my “core wounds” and believe me, when he had bouts of extreme anger aimed at me for no reason, he was verbally abusive in a way calculated to demolish me. As an old friend once said ” there is method in their madness”. He did this because he thought I couldn’t escape, but I packed my bags and went home under very difficult circumstances – he was shocked. Then set out to utterly destroy me in any way he could.
Empathic people will always look at themselves to find blame.
My experience has destroyed my faith in my own judgment. I’ve always been open, trusting and tried to see the best in others. I hate now that I’m cynical and reluctant to have anyone in my life, even many friends.
I’ve questioned my behaviour; am I needy and demanding? Do I have unrealistic expectations? Am I naive? Am I a failure, as he liked to make me feel? (The total opposite of what he said at the start, when he admired my “intellect and unparalleled wit, my resilience and spirit.”)
As I said, I can guarantee that the narcs will never suffer this self doubt.
Some people comment that many of us here are just angry that a relationship has gone wrong and we feel that we are not to blame so want retribution. I’ve had relationships that ended, I never felt like this about it. I’m prepared to accept my own part in anything that goes wrong, but this is different, it’s destructive in a way that affects your whole emotional balance and the way you see the world.
Hi Lana, No, these are not normal relationships. People who have not been in one will not understand. I learned that very well. Just don’t listen to them. I actually figured out mine was disturbed by watching a TV show about a sociopathic killer. Though mine is not violent, I recognized a lot of things and a light bulb went off in my head. We are not wrong and we are not crazy.
I wouldn’t be surprised if mine took notes on me too. Several times he said things that he could not have known had he not been stalking me/doing his research. Or he would pretend not to know something that he did know. He did brazenly once stalk me after we had split up and he’d told me about his wife. I think he did it again about a month ago. In any case, I didn’t hide anything from him and I did not care what he knew about me. I don’t have any secrets and I wasn’t lying to him or to anyone else.
He did care about me and that was part of the problem. I managed to pierce his defenses. But he didn’t want to care. At first I was confused about his emotional unavailability (really pathological) and hot/cold behavior because I’d never experienced it before. I kept thinking it would resolve but every time we were close and things were calm he’d rock the boat. It got to the point where I’d prepare myself – anticipating the blow up after the closeness. He never deliberately or directly tried to make me feel like a failure, though of course I do feel like I failed in general in terms of the relationship. But I also know that I couldn’t have done anything differently because it was a dynamic.
He only blew up at me twice and both times were over email. Never to my face. But I have to say that both times were scary because he was otherwise so calm. The second time I went all cold and that was the beginning of the end for both of us. You left. Good for you! They did not destroy us.
My judgment took a beating too but there were good things about him and about yours too, otherwise we would not have stayed, right? So do not beat yourself up. These relationships are not entirely pathological. Just the parts that matter to their long term health are really problematic, to say the least. I think time heals, as does interacting with a lot of normal people. I’m glad you escaped. Mine is sort of in a bind because if he pulls any nonsense I am in a position to make a lot of trouble for him.
Thank you Valarie.
Hi Positivagirl, Lana helped me! Ours seem to have some similarities. Still struggling but keeping busy and it’s gotten better over the past few days…
It can really help, to hear someone else who understands your story. Or when you have encountered a similar type. Simply because your experiences can be pretty crazy. It helps that there is someone else who understands what really is quite inexplicable.
Yes, exactly! Especially about seemingly little things and weird behaviors that one has never encountered before.
Hi Valerie, you have helped me too! Thank you for that.
Positivagirl is right about sharing the same experience, I feel that other people, even those closest to me, suspect I might have “over-dramatised” my situation – or contributed to the way I was treated.
When you’ve been made to feel like the “problem” by someone you loved and trusted, made to question your own behaviour, been totally bewildered and baffled because you’ve just been loving and caring and can’t understand what’s happened, it’s easy to accept blame. Empathic people are quick to do this.
“We are both good people” my narc said to me, “and no one can take that away.” The arrogance of that statement from a man who had wrecked many lives and disappointed countless women. His elderly uncle told me about the wreckage he left behind him. (Only after I left.)
Their self assurance is breathtaking, they suffer no remorse, whereas we are left bereft. Thank goodness we can support each other here, the similarities of our experiences are a comfort.
Lana x
Hi Lana, That’s good to know. The thing that struck me about yours was the secrecy and not wanting people to find him, because that was a big feature of my relationship. It’s very controlling, as I said. I actually dumped mine a month after I met him because of that behavior (first of 3 dumps). I set out to find out everything I could even before I knew he was married (last piece of the puzzle). I didn’t find anything worth being so weirdly secretive or distant about, though that continued even after the affair part started. Pretty standard family and professional situation from the outside. I did find it strange that once I had all of the information he didn’t run away. On the contrary, he relaxed and opened up. He even said he felt closer to me. Maybe because he wasn’t lying anymore. But I still do not have answers to so many small things – many odd behaviors.
After I called him out on his lying, he didn’t really apologize. He simply said “all I can do is be the best person I can be going forward.” Once he said “I really am a sweet guy.” Ha! Sounds like yours. They seem to worry about being considered bad apples. Hmmm. I wonder why…
I really think it’s insecurity, as I said in one of my earlier posts to you – that they have to pretend to be something they are not/more than they are, because their egos (real selves) really are quite fragile. The bad boy is the false self and the controlling behaviors happen so we don’t see their fragile selves.
In any case, my friends are all relieved that it’s over, though some suspect that it’s not — they’ve seen it end before over the past year and a half. But they see me as weak, so it’s my fault for letting it happen and then obsessing about it, whether or not he has a personality disorder. They will never understand and nor will your friends. xx
It’s so strange how the similarities keep emerging!
I think your assessment is spot on, fragile egos underneath the confidence and arrogance. Mine once said to me – “all my life I’ve given the impression that I’m intelligent, when really I think I’m a stupid person.” He said revealing things like this when he’d had a few drinks. He was intelligent, but narrow, and sought out creative types. When he first saw me I think he thought I was a dizzy blonde, sweet and gullible. He discovered that I was better read than him, it unsettled him. Despite being a lawyer, he said that my grasp of written English was better than his. In his vulnerable moments (I think I too pierced his armour) he admitted that he sometimes felt vulnerable. I believe because this unsettled him he turned very verbally abusive, in order to get the upper hand, crushing me that way because he could, I suppose I’m sensitive, who isn’t? Especially when you trust someone and believe that you love them.
You’re right about people not being able to understand the need to analyse. The effect of their behaviour is baffling, bewildering, the normal human response is to try to understand and rationalise. Yes, I walked away, almost ran actually, and eventually I went “no contact” – not only with him but also his family members whom I really liked. I felt it was necessary to my peace of mind, I didn’t want to hear about his new conquest, or have to explain events to people who may think they understand, when really you have to be in the thick of it to truly understand. I know that he went to some trouble to try to devalue me to anyone who would listen, even though the facts spoke for themselves.
Your relationship sounds equally complex. The fact is they put on a show to the outside world to make everything appear wonderful and sincere. This makes you look crazy when you drop them. If you start trying to explain to people around you, a lot of it sounds trivial, as you say, small, inexplicable things. Emotional bruises don’t show like black eyes. That’s why I write about it, I can have my say in my blog, and people can decide if I was right or wrong. Because that is the hardest part – that little doubting voice inside which whispers “was it me?”.
Someone said to me only yesterday, “you must have been very hurt to leave such a remote foreign place in the way that you did.”
“No” I replied “I was angry” – and this is true, I was absolutely furious that he could treat me so appallingly when I had thrown my heart and soul into loving him, and had defended him to very cynical and worried family and friends.
Yes, you are right, Valerie, they are little, frightened children underneath, terrified that someone will find them out and reveal their pathetic inner self. You did that, and so did I, and in order to put the walls back up, my narc had to hurl all the vitriol he could find in my direction, in an attempt to floor me and so rebuild himself.
You must do what you feel is right for you, Valerie, do not listen to people who do not truly understand. I have found your analysis revealing and it’s good to know that someone else seeks answers in this maze of enigma….Lana x
Lana, I have to laugh because the more you tell me, the more it sounds like we were with the same person. Mine is very, very left brained. He thought I was a hippie/free love type whereas he is in finance. Weirdly, he also lived in South America for many years. We’re both expats (from different but similar and geographically close countries). But he’s had a very stereotypical upper middle class adult life while I rejected all of that. We both have higher degrees – my degree higher than his but he has two of them. So I’d say we are both very smart/well educated, and that was part of the attraction – that and similar senses of humor.
BUT he could NOT for the life of him understand my writing. He’d say it was “beautiful,” “sweet,” “thoughtful,” etc but he would never respond to it. It was too emotionally complex, too many clauses, too convoluted. He’d focus on one sentence and make it self-referential – he’d say it was like “reading Chinese.” Very strange that he was so intelligent but could not see the bigger picture through the written word.
I wondered about this because he’s very verbal – he just cannot write fluidly – he’s very curt – or understand written communication. He wouldn’t answer even simple written questions (face to face he would). It caused tons of problems because it felt like he was dismissing or willfully ignoring me. I started reading up about Aspergers because often I thought that’s what he had – I still do, partly, except he is maybe a bit too calculating. In any case, one of the signs is a lack of empathy – similar to a narcissist, right? In fact, it’s often difficult to tell the two apart. But I discovered that Aspies have a serious problem with “social language.” They are very literal, do not understand nuance or metaphor, etc. Language does not have the richness for them that it has for people not on the spectrum, and they have particular problems with written language. Sounds a bit like your lawyer saying your grasp of written English was better than his and feeling inadequate for it.
In any case, most of us – once we are adults – are pretty certain of our choices, likes and dislikes, have reasons for taking the paths we have taken, etc. They are missing something – they want what they are not because they have a void – they haven’t made a choice to be the way they are. It’s just how they are. At the same time, what they want scares them. We are braver than they are.
And yes, on the surface mine is just a story of someone who got involved with a married man and got burned. But that’s not what happened at all!! I didn’t even want him to leave his wife!! Certainly not for me. I just wanted a relatively uncomplicated, affectionate, fun relationship but he couldn’t do that because “affection,” “fun” and “uncomplicated” are not in his vocabulary. “Control,” “twisting things,” and “complicating things” are because he is bored and I am not. Narcissists cause chaos. That is what they do.
People think they know what happened because of the surface story. Sigh.
I hope we can both get past our anger and feeling like it was us. It wasn’t. I’m sure we both tried everything.
xx
And just to add that mine did the same thing with the vulnerability. I used to tell him that it was okay to have feelings and to express them, but every time he almost did – every time we got close – he’d violently push me away (not physically but emotionally). He’d cause chaos to get the upper hand. Just like yours. I trusted mine with my life too so it was as good as being hit. That’s why we feel bruised.
This is amazing, Valerie, I cannot tell you the relief I feel, because you are describing the same situation, or one so close as to have incredible similarities.
I’m afraid I “accused” him of being autistic. His 16 year old son has been diagnosed and has been prescribed Ritalin. Several things led me to this conclusion, rightly or wrongly. He has “obsessions” – woodwork, book binding, cycling, sailing, collecting objets trouve, all these passions are short lived. He spends a lot of money pursuing them and the effects (a boat, a workshop, various bicycles) lie languishing and rotting. He is horribly untidy, and his home has piles of things (especially rocks and bits of tree stumps) lying around anywhere, gathering dust. He wanted me to sort and tidy this house when he was away (I have an antiques and interior design background). He told me to throw everything away, including all his clothes if I thought them unsuitable. Of course, I didn’t (we’d only just met) but I did work hard to sort, clean and tidy. His Uncle told me that these enthusiasms don’t last long, and so it was with women, of course he made me believe that I was different.
As for the literary side of things, I completely empathise with your description. I have written poetry since I was a child, I suppose I’m a bit snobbish about poetry, I also keep quiet about it because little rhymes and ditties are not my thing, so many people just don’t get it. To me it is like music, the intricacies of language fascinate me, always have.
He claimed, right from the beginning, that he wanted me to “teach” him about poetry. I was taken aback, he went to a top university, surely he had some background knowledge? Apparently not. He said he’d never understood Shakespeare either. I wrote several poems for him over the course of our short relationship, he couldn’t understand them at all, even though they were straightforward, I explained that he should absorb them and not try to analyse. He couldn’t do it.
Whenever he sent a text, it would be incredibly sloppy, misspelled, sometimes I joked that it was like a cypher I had to unravel! This happened even when we were splitting up and he should have been more thoughtful about language as it was clear he was trying very hard not to “give anything away” – just like a lawyer in fact. The complete opposite of his Love bombing just weeks earlier, as you may imagine.
The other thing that puzzled me was something he said right at the start about music – he sent me songs that he liked and early jazz, but he told me that he never could listen to or understand song lyrics. It was just “music” – the words were lost to him, even in a meaningful song. I looked this up at the time, I suppose it was a red flag of sorts. It’s significance became stronger when added to other aspects of his behaviour that I later discovered.
I have studied psychology, and I sometimes think that I study too much! Bewildering behaviour that affects your life in this way is hard to overlook, I have a craving to comprehend – and I’ve come to a conclusion, his behaviour is dictated by some imbalance, whether that is physical, behavioural or just a personality disorder. He will continue to behave in the same way, despite occasional self exploration, including some diary type entries on Evernote (another enthusiasm that only lasted a couple of weeks) – by mistake he shared with me some notes from years ago which showed that others had complained often about his “lack of consideration” and past girlfriends had even thrown their drinks at him! He couldn’t admit any blame of course, but commented that his life had been “bagunca” which is Portuguese for a mish-mash, he speaks fluent Portuguese, and is adept at languages. In this revealing comment he says that he has never stuck at anything long enough to master it, and that remark covers his personal relationships, although he doesn’t make the connection.
I think he saw in me a person who could get to the core of his troubled inner life, but when I began to expose it, and wish for a response, itwas just too uncomfortable and he realised he preferred to carry on in the same old way. He’s like a little boy in a sweet shop, dipping his hand in every jar, the Internet has made this easy and the whole world is his playground. It is us, the people who care in a deeper way, who end up chewed up and spat out……
Lana xx
Lana, I used to embed song lyrics in my emails, make references to lyrics, and send links. I don’t think he ever got one of them or listened to anything I sent. He also sailed because someone told him he needed a hobby. One of the things in the collections you mention is one of his professional specializations. He has a very left brained daughter with interpersonal problems. There are no people in his Instagram (very sparse), he doesn’t communicate with anyone who comments (so it wasn’t me – he does the same thing to everyone), and all of his pictures focus on the sky. Literally all of them. Even if something else is in the picture, the sky takes up three quarters of it. That is curious to me. Maybe you have some insights. When I told him he was like two different people, he responded that I was not the first to say that. It’s maddening. I did ask him if he was on the spectrum but he did not know what I was talking about. Getting angry is sort of pointless, right? I mean if it is what we think it is, it might be hurtful but it’s a bit out of their control. They simply are not self-aware enough to make any changes and they cannot recognize what it is they need to change. They do not know what empathy is. I think I said above somewhere that they are like humans, but they are not humans. They are androids!!! xx
Believe it or not, I forgot to mention the photography! A friend pointed out to me that photography is a very solitary pursuit, and indeed I spent many times standing silently waiting, in some remote woodland or during a walk, whilst he played around with light and shadows. I also love photography, but it is a selfish way to spend time with someone, ignoring them and expecting them to keep still and silent whilst you follow your “art”.
Interesting about the sky pictures, I can only imagine that ever changing cloudscapes hold an interest, or maybe it’s a sort of yearning for the unknown blue yonder. Often the sky is empty of living things, it is an uninterrupted view, it is, in that way, uncomplicated. Again, that is a sort of obsession or fixation.
Total lack of empathy in letting you down when you were supposed to meet. It’s just completely one-sided. Gratification from a new source of supply, so cold, callous disregard for the previous interest. They treat us like robots! As if we should just accept and “move on” – a popular phrase of my narc. When I pointed out that when you really care about someone, and it all goes wrong, you can’t just “move on” without a care, it’s too painful. They can get their thrill with the next one,without a care; zero remorse, zero conscience.
Yes, you are right about anger being pointless, it was obvious to me that he had not a jot of feeling, how can you argue with that? I pointed out that his lack of response was abnormal, but I doubt he cared or even understood. I only know that we are the lucky ones, yes we can be hurt, but we can feel passion and love of all kinds, something they cannot feel, only imitate, locked into a world where they are constantly searching.
Lana xx
Hi Lana, Yes, it was a really shitty thing to do but at the time I did not know why he had canceled and we hadn’t seen each other in four months. I mentioned it later and he stopped that sort of thing. That he was willing to change made me think that he had no idea what he had done. It simply did not register. He didn’t cut me off or replace me even after he did that. In fact, I cut him off but he reached out a month later. He angers and frustrates me but he doesn’t experience things the way I do. Sure part of that is about empathy but it’s also that he’s just wired completely differently – a robot. My world is a lot more complex, just as you wrote. He once said to me ‘I am not a machine.’ I said, ‘but you act like one!!’ Ha.
He’s a terrible photographer, by the way. Really bad. I think he only does it to say ‘look – I’m not lying! I am where I say I am.” The sky thing, well, it made me think that he should have been an astronaut or a pilot. He’s always seeking an escape and he’s always in planes.
xx
Hi Valerie, you make some very interesting and vital observations in your comments, that completely sum up so many of our shared experiences.
The point about these men being “wired differently”, it’s because of this that we cannot reason with them, explain our feelings, and expect them to be understood properly. I have written small essays (at his request) explaining circumstances, emotions and the reasons why I felt so upset, sidelined, neglected or overlooked. This was obvious to others around us, not just to me. He couldn’t see it at all, blamed me, then would reply to my detailed (and balanced) essay with two words, such as “thank you”. How frustrating is that! He never addressed a single point in anything I wrote or said, he only picked out good phrases that referred to him, or parts where I expressed affection or gratitude.
They cannot change, they don’t want to, they don’t think they need to, so the advice for survival is “walk away”.
Otherwise, you will be embroiled in a constant, frustrating battle to make your viewpoint understood and responded to. It’s never going to happen.
The other important point you highlight is that when you see through this lack of reasoned response to the person underneath, you may like them very much. This is why perhaps, we do battle to get through to them!
If there is a calculated deceit, that is different, and yet, empathic people will try to understand and make the best of it. Until they become totally undermined or worse.
It explains the cat and mouse stories of so many of us, but the underlying message is clear – you cannot reason with, have a balanced debate, rationalise or emotionally educate someone whose mind and character are fixed. You can choose to overlook the bad things and tolerate the frustration – but if it Is bringing you low you should think of yourself. Self-sacrifice has few rewards, except for others.
There could be multiple reasons for the destructive behaviour outlined in posts here – autism, frontal lobe damage, personality disorder or just plain bad people doing bad things because they can.
In the end, we as individuals have to make a stark choice – stand up for ourselves and realise that we can’t “fix” everything and everyone; or get lost, damaged and dreadfully hurt in the struggle.
Everyone wants to be loved but continuous sacrifice without return is NOT LOVE – it is fault on both sides.
I wish everyone here the strength to know what is right, and to find the love that they truly deserve.
Your sense of freedom is amazing, Valerie, I find it inspiring, I am trying hard to be more like that myself!
Lana x
Hi Lana, Yes, in the end we cannot reason with them and we cannot make them understand, no matter what it is that causes them to be the way they are.
Funny that yours only responded to the parts of your writing about him and positive – that’s what mine would do too. I could write pages and get one line back that referred to something about him. On empathy: once I was telling him about a difficult situation at work and he made it totally self-referential. In a weird way. It was an awkward logic. Then he’d say things like ‘I know what it’s like to be hurt,’ as if he was not the one doing the hurting. Erghh. Maddening. But in his way he was trying to empathize. Same as he would try to comply if I asked him to make small changes to his behavior. He’d make an effort for awhile. So yes, there is something like a real human underneath the android stuff but so damaged that it cannot come to the surface. It’s sad.
After that month in which he was in touch every day I began to disengage because I wasn’t getting the intermittent reinforcement anymore. I was almost ready to end it. But then he reverted, I got sucked back in (so I know there is something wrong with the way I respond to him), and it got to the point where I wanted to tell his wife to keep him away from me and on a damned leash. I once wrote him an email ‘please let me go!’. But he wouldn’t until his interests were being served. Again the empathy deficit.
This conversation has been really helpful because while I can see bits of similar situations in some of the other posts, I do think ours are twins!! And that you and I think similarly. Again, we’re not wrong. I am pretty confident about my abilities to read people. And I am like a dog with a bone. I leave no stone unturned and I can be obsessive! 🙂 Taking the mystery out of these situations is how we get closure. I hope we both get there 100% soon!
xx
I couldn’t agree more, Valerie, I sometimes think that I am obsessive in wanting to get to the heart of things.
Something very strange has happened today, a friend showed me his Facebook profile, I have blocked him so I can’t see. I have avoided all conversation about him as I believe it is important to recover. However, sometimes it just gets the better of me and I have a burning curiosity to see if anything has changed. A few days ago he posted on FB a very odd message, it was how he now realised that aspects of his life have been out of his control and yet he must take responsibility for them. Things that have happened to him are not directly his fault, but he is involved in them, therefore he can’t be separated from them. I only read it twice, it was very enigmatic. I had the impression that something has happened to make him change his view of his life. Maybe he has developed an important relationship with his new girlfriend, maybe he has tried to improve for that relationship. I wondered whether my letter about his Narcissistic Personality Disorder and possible autistic tendencies had an impact and he has sought a professional diagnosis.
I want to know more, but, on the other hand, I don’t want to be involved.
If it is true, and I was correct, it gives me no satisfaction. It doesn’t actually undo the emotional harm he did to me.
Getting an answer, of sorts, doesn’t solve all problems.
Perhaps there is an element of fatalism that these men come into our lives, for us to reach a clearer understanding of them and ourselves.
I feel it has drawn a line under my experience, and hopefully, I can view it as a lesson learned.
Lana xx
I would say that he is playing the role for someone in his life. Saying what she wants to hear. It is affirmation he is still the same person.
Interesting that you should write that, Positivagirl, because every time I see something that mine has written or posted it always strikes me that it is designed to send a message. I think about who his audience is – who he is trying to trick or convince. Many times I thought we were getting somewhere but then he’d duck a question or literally leave a conversation so as not to have to engage on that level and about himself. Whatever is hidden and authentic only comes to the surface inadvertently. Nothing is ever deliberately introspective. There is no self-analysis with them. I ended up telling mine that I didn’t think he was capable of feeling badly, though I suppose feeling sorry for himself is what he considers feeling badly!
I have been searching. I wrote a post about this. It had photo of a camera on it, I can’t find it. Either wordpress has deleted it, or it was placed back into draft. I will try to find it for you.
Okay thank you
Hi Lana, I had to search around a bit to find our conversation but I just wanted to check in, find out how you are, and tell you about the next chapter, in case it helps you.
I came back home and after waiting two months, which was six months no contact with him, I sent him an email apologizing for my part because I did a few things I wasn’t proud of. My therapist thought it would be empowering. That is, instead of writing to his wife and spilling the beans, I wrote to him. The email was short, apologetic, kind. No flirting, no enticement, no expectations.
Well what do you know but that he wants to resume our affair. I told you that every time I’d see something from him posted on social media I would just know that it was designed to send a message. Nothing I saw was authentic – or it was authentic in the sense that I could tell that he was just going through the motions. He never commits to anyone. Not to me, not to his wife. My rational mind thought that six months would be enough to get him back on track with her, which is what he said he wanted. But nope. Nothing has changed.
In any case, I am not interested in having an affair anymore. Whether I would want to be with him if he were single is another question, but I think I am a completely different person than I was last year and wouldn’t be interested in him either. We still have a very strong attraction to each other (we saw each other once — it’s been less than two weeks since we resumed contact) but something inside me has changed.
I am in the position of power now because he is waiting on me to agree to resuming the affair. I’ve written an email telling him that I don’t want it. That if he stays in his marriage, he’ll find another affair partner. If he leaves it he is free to contact me but I won’t be in any kind of shallow or fake relationship with him, even as friends. Once again I have expended a lot of brain energy on this but I am sleeping really well and I don’t wake up when his 5:30 a.m. emails arrive anymore.
Hope you’re good. xx
Hi Valerie! I’m fine, thank you. I suddenly thought about you a few days ago, wondering how you were getting on.
I am interested that you say that you are empowered, I would say “be very careful” – feelings can remain dormant, they can jump up and surprise you. It reads as if you do have feelings for him, understandably, and believe that you can call the shots. I’m not sure about that. If he has a track record as a liar and deceiver, he will be good at it, practised. He’s not going to suddenly change. Even if he did leave his wife, enter into a committed relationship with you, could you trust him? Or does he get a kick from the illicit? Would the situation be reversed? Would you be deceived like his wife?
I fully understand your need to contact him and explain a few things. It’s an overwhelming urge for caring people, to put the situation straight, make everything smooth and level. But has he apologised or admitted any fault?
I hope it works out for you, maybe you do have something special between you and that is why you keep being pulled together like magnets.
Strangely, I was reading some notes tonight on Evernote. I wrote them exactly a year ago. It had been J’s idea that we should keep a sort of mutual “diary” of our thoughts, as we were separated before he flew me to Korea to be with him. I was astonished at what I had written. I had no memory of it. I said that I felt that I was a chess piece being pushed around on a board, with other women as pieces all around me. They were static, because he had discarded them. The game was being played with me. I actually used the word “discarded” and said that I was worried the same thing would happen to me. Reading his messages and notes to me, there was no hint of anything that made me feel that way, it was purely little bits of knowledge that I acquired whilst living (at his insistence) in his house, and remarks that his elderly uncle had made to me. Every time, he soothed and reassured me, every time he swore undying love for me, and told me about his vulnerabilities and his need for me, his reliance on me. His fear that I would reject him.
I now believe that he had already found his next target. He was certainly looking. My point is, there was absolutely no way anyone reading what he wrote a year ago could have imagined that. Least of all me. It was only a matter of weeks later that he became the absolute reverse of this “loving and devoted” man. He was monstrously selfish, arrogant & offensive.
I talk a lot in my pieces on Evernote about trust, I confide all the secrets of my heart to explain my insecurities – I make excuses for him, I am clearly convinced that I can make him happy.
I’m telling you this (probably repeating myself!) because time blurs the truth. If I hadn’t written those things at that time, I would never have recalled the full picture now. The human mind is self defensively selective about the information we retain.
In short, I wonder if you are selecting, subconsciously, the bits of your relationship that still appeal and forgetting the manipulation and the deception. This is why I say “be careful” – it is easy to be sucked in again and relive those exhilarating feelings. At those times you are not in control, no matter how much you believe you are.
I hope it works out as you hope, Valerie, I really hope that you are ok. Xx
Hi Lana, I am pretty sure I am okay. I not only do not want to be in an affair anymore. I wouldn’t want to be with him if he were single either because he’s not trustworthy, as you point out, and he’s superficial as well. We have a few things between us – a powerful chemistry, intellectual attraction – but this latest round has shown me once and for all that he lives in limbo land. Six months ago he was a few months into reconciling with his wife and seemed pretty adamant that that was what he wanted. So once again I was surprised when he wanted me back. He didn’t apologize for anything. Nor did he ask me what I had been up to the past six months. I didn’t ask him either. We just picked up right where we left off and caught up a bit when we saw each other. He ‘love bombed’ me for about a week and then started to lighten up (withdraw). He says it’s work stress and he wants to make sure I am okay to get reinvolved, so he doesn’t want to overdo it. But I’m not reacting the way I used to, which would be to demand more, to ask what was wrong, to try to make him be present. I simply don’t care that much anymore.
This time I know that he’s had plenty of time to shit or get off the pot, so to speak, and he hasn’t done either. So no, I won’t get back into an affair and he won’t leave his wife. That’s the way he lives his life. I’ve been very standoffish and refuse to get into long email conversations again. I don’t wake at 5:30 a.m. anymore to his emails, and I respond lightly when he contacts me. I do not need him anymore. I desire him, but I don’t need him. The only thing that worries me is that I’ll want to tell him to his face and he will end up disarming me.
I wanted to point out to you that whatever these guys do has secondary motivations. I read very accurately what I’ve seen on Instagram. I don’t even look at it anymore. He is never present, even when he is in a picture with his wife. I can read his body language. I see what they do and how much time they spend apart. I can also read her pretty well at this point, as I’ve been doing it for awhile now. I had just told my therapist all this before I contacted him and I was right. He’s not fully committed to anyone. You were a chess piece and so am I. The difference is that I am probably the only one in my situation that sees the bigger picture now. His wife doesn’t know about me and he doesn’t know that I can follow both of them on Instagram and so know that he is not happy and never will be. I will never be able to make him happy. No one can. So, he can have his security and I’ll take my freedom. xx
Hi again Lana, Hope you are doing well. I just wanted to give you an update, including my thoughts. It all might help you.
Interestingly, mine won’t leave me alone now that I’ve told him that I don’t want to continue or even be in contact. He is moving in about five months and his ‘excuse’ on the surface is to keep me updated on his job search, even though I’ve told him that my decision does not rest on whether he moves or not.
Last weekend he emailed all weekend from home (unusual). He had received some unwelcome news so I was supportive and friendly, not flirtatious at all. But he suddenly slid into sexual innuendo – maybe he misinterpreted. Still, I didn’t respond. I left the conversation without even a goodbye. That didn’t stop him. Yesterday he contacted me at 6:00 a.m. to tell me where he was with the search, even though I have not asked. He only wrote a few words and I wrote back asking if it meant that I would be moving to X city. I was joking but what I WAS conveying is that he does not see me as a separate person to him. He understood because he laughed.
Because he won’t take no for an answer, I finally realized that ALL of his behavior is oppositional. Last year I was very anxious and it was easy to blame myself for being demanding, needing constant reassurance, etc. This year I am completely calm and content. He doesn’t ruffle my feathers at all. Still, I understand now that if I acquiesce, he withdraws. If I withdraw, he comes after me. And I am not the only one, of course. When he was separated he lived in limbo and hovered around his wife. When she decided she wanted to reconcile, he wanted to have an affair with me (we had already been involved). Last summer he ended our relationship but SO DID I. It was mutual. He creeped me online for the whole six months we were not in contact. Now that I have again backed out and it has been solely my decision, he is in limbo and hovering with me. It’s as if his wife and I are his two arms and he cannot survive without both of us in our proper places (chess pieces!).
He shows so many signs of Asperger syndrome, from having to control his environment to being ‘mind blind,’ not empathetic, misunderstanding social cues, not able to read my writing, very attached to routine, etc. He has narcissistic and sociopathic traits, but is not deliberately manipulative or malignant. He is surprised when I am hurt. He’s more like a little kid who needs the steadiness the ‘adults’ in his life provide in order to navigate the world.
I feel fine. Somewhat amused. We are both weirdly attached to each other. It’s not just the intense chemistry. I think it’s because he thinks I AM him and I allowed that to happen. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he did expect me to move to X city, and I wouldn’t surprise myself if I actually did move. But then I also wouldn’t be surprised if he begged me to move, I moved, and he then completely ignored or turned on me! Maybe you can relate to all of this.
I now know mostly what triggers the oppositional behavior but I don’t know what the mental processes are or how to handle it. Most people want to know what they have in common with someone else. They want to be on the same page about decisions, etc. It is what one would expect of another human being. This is the complete opposite to that! Of course it is very controlling but I think it’s more about himself than about other people.
Hope this gives you a bit more insight into your ex and that whole experience.
xx
Lana, I just saw the second part of your post. Mine also met someone else while I was away last year and dumped me. He canceled a meet up hours before we were to see each other (he was visiting the city where I was at the time). Nothing happened between them – it was an ’emotional’ thing. I think he told her he was going back to his wife, and we patched up our relationship a few months later. I came to understand that this other woman (the wife is another story) was a fantasy. They are fantasists. That’s part of the problem. Who can live up to the fantasies of a fantasist? Who can keep track of the lies? One reason I didn’t mind having in affair is that I knew he wasn’t cheating on me, except with his wife! Ha! He knew that if I found out he cheated on ME, there would be hell to pay. xx
I meant to add, Valerie, that I didn’t set out to “change” this man, I just wanted to understand why he himself changed so dramatically and illogically. He found me, I wasn’t looking for a relationship, he literally walked up to me and captured me. Like you, I’m open and completely honest, he knew absolutely everything about me, he wanted to read my blog, I know he did that straight away. He knew I’d had a difficult few years, that I was emotionally vulnerable, he represented himself as my “protector”. He told many people, even in emails to colleagues that I was his “fiancé”. So when he started to treat me virtually overnight with indifference and irritation, I couldn’t make sense of it. I thought he must have met someone else, when I asked him, quietly and calmly, he went into an utter rage and accused me of paranoia. Now I realise that he had met someone online, the woman he later described to me (only two weeks after I left) with whom he was having “a Wonderful and totally fulfilling relationship”. He hadn’t even met her at this point. He denied absolutely that he ever even thought of anyone else. Clearly untrue.
The madness of being accused in this way of paranoia, when all the time he knew that I was right, is hard to comprehend.
Add to that the vulnerable state I was in when he swept me up, and he should have realised that he might have destroyed me. He didn’t care.
This is what led me to examine his behaviour; of course, he made a misjudgment, I must be resilient, and I’ve got a marvellous (though exasperated) set of family and friends.
This is why your experience is so valuable to me, we just want to understand what motivates these men, they’re not unloveable, but they are almost impossible to live with, they pull you in and then push you away. Or, we leave them, because we can see how inexplicably damaging they are.
Lana xx
Just found out I am dating a sociopath. He has all the characteristics and has been diagnosed as a sociopath too. He’s been to psychologists and neurologists. But it doesn’t change who he is. Today I discovered that I don’t know anything about him. Three years and it was all lie. He even lied about his education, his parents, how he was brought up, and even where he was born. I know nothing of him. And it’s terrifying. But at the same time I miss and love the man I knew, but I know he doesn’t exist.
Thank you for your comment. This is a difficult time. You yearn for the person that they sold to you, but this was a fabrication, and almost certainly had no bearing on who he is.
I recall in the very beginning, I found this poem. It was an accurate reflection of how I felt, and what I saw.
Everything that comes out your mouth is hot and black like treacle,
Never once have you said anything other than anything deceitful.
You’re poisonous and toxic, dangerous and deceptive,
Consuming all around you and so relentlessly receptive.
Swallowing each indiscretion and choking on your fumes,
While all around you are but pawns for your own use.
Stained with the vague idea that you are a ‘person’
In reality I watch as your psychoses gradually worsen.
The only thing I know for sure; your gender and your name,
Behind closed doors and cold surfaces I watch you shift the blame.
The feelings that you say you feel are all just a charade,
Never once have you been genuine, never let down your guard.
But I’m the one whose laughing now, I’m the one that’s real,
I have the ability to love and to care, the ability to feel.
You’ll never be more than a shadow, a watery reflection in the mirror,
And by default I am everything you’re not; I’ll always be the winner.
Hi Positivagirl did you get to read my story? I wanted some feedback from you but I never saw a comment from you
Hi Red Lioness where is your comment? Can you send me a link?
Hi,
I was actually shaking while reading this blog. Not only because I have just been devalued, discarded and to make sure it is over he threw me under the bus by denying who I was to him for over the last 2 years. Called me an old lady and crazy. Maybe I am luckier than most that he did, but I will admit I provoked it. I confronted his other affairs and I did it publicly. Needless to say the last thing a spath wants is a public display. I am totally humiliated to admit this but I am a mental health counselor how could I have fallen so hard. He showed signs of a borderline yet I stayed for 2 years making every effort to use everything in my tool box hoping for change. Apparently I was wrong I was dealing with a spath. All of the stories are the same and the pain excruciating to say the least. He caught me at a very vulnerable time of my life my partner of 15 years died of cancer. Vulnerable being the first operating factor. I am older than him by 15 years another vulnerability. Flattering to say the least. Good looking and built to the extreme. He was so good at his game I cannot even begin to tell you. In the beginning it was mostly sex and I was happy with that. I really wasn’t capable of anything more besides he was in and out of his marriage. Lies of course never was out of his marriage. I continued to see him but the first year I kept a safe distance. It wasn’t good enough for him so he began to use the intermittent form of reward you know the kind of reward you get from a slot machine. I found myself wanting more and more of him. He of course was doing whomever he could in between at least that is what I am told. It was too late for me I was in love and he was on the run. I never chased him its not my m.o. but I put up with just about all imaginable. Until a woman who was chasing him around told some one she was pregnant and about to get an abortion. I knew he was the father and made no bones about confronting it. He denied it but we all know the truth. I guess it doesn’t really matter she is his new supply and I am out, old and worthless to him. The morning before the confrontation he called me to let me know how much I mean to him, what a beautiful woman I am and he cant stand to be away from me. The same evening I went to say Hi to him thinking we were good innocently. His new supply was on her way too in fact we passed one another in the hall. He had just made a pass at another woman and asked for her number. So already hes cheating on the pregnant one . SMH. I am shocked, bewildered, stunned and broken emotionally. I had no idea that he was this man. Angry mean nasty and bordering on aggressive. I went back at him and everyone heard it. The secret was out of the bag he was infuriated and maybe embarrassed he was having an affair with me after all hes the beautiful man. Well at least hes beautiful on the outside and a whole other person in the light. Well here I sit a therapist who has been duped by his many masks. His last mask was the most unforgettable, he actually looked like el toro fire flaring from his nostrils. I stood in front of him looking in his eyes while he was calling me names and I saw a scared man hiding behind his wife, his kids, his new girlf and one in the wings. This is the most amazing crazy painful situation I have ever experienced. I don’t even know where to begin to pick up the pieces of my soul and my stepped on self esteem. One day at a time one minute at a time filling the void, dealing with feelings of inadequacies, battling jealousy, and back to the grief table. My heart goes out to all of you because I am you and I know how much this hurts.
Solataria
Hello, I wanted to share my story too. I´ve never done that before so…here it goes:
I am from Spain. I moved to Vienna when I was 21 and there I was living alone, having a nice job and so on. I joined Tinder because one of my best friends recommended it to me as I was in a new city. There I met G (I´ll name him like that). He is a professional poker player and the first times we met where simply amazing. It seemed he would really understand me and my situation. We kept on meeting for one week then he left to Australia for about two months, he would write me from time to time and then he came back earlier from his trip, he said I was one of the reasons. Of course I was the happiest girl..And there we started our “serious” relationship. He was traveling a lot because of the poker tournaments and I would stay in Vienna working. There were times where he would spend 48 h straight into my apartment and then leave out to a tournament and say nothing to me for weeks. I did not know what kind of relationship this was. The times where he actually stayed in Vienna he was playing online until late at night and he would write me around 3 am if I wanted to go over his place. And I would. Only to find out that he was playing fifa with his flatmates and when he got tired he would come to the room and sleep.
There were numerous times where we had sex in public space (less than 3 minutes by walk from his apartment). I remember saying to him why don´t we just go to your place? We did this more than 5 times outside. Then months pass and he flew to Vegas for two months and he invited me over (obviously I paid everything, flights, hotels…) I would spend one week in there, it was my first time in USA he did not pick me up from the airport neither he dropped me. He smoked plenty of weed up to 10 joints per day. We would have this amazing sex and although things were a little bit unreal I hold on to him.
I flew back to Europe and he came to Spain again to play poker after his trip to Vegas. By that time I knew all of his friends and he knew my family and my friends too. He always talked bad about them and tried to distance me from them. After summer he proposed to moved to Mexico so after half a year (by that time we were for one year together) we moved to Baja California. The moment we arrived there things changed completely. He was not the nice guy I met in Europe, he was an arrogant and lazy guy, to whom I had to cook every single day, I had to clean, I had to go groceries by myself in a country where I was new (and let me tell you not that safe around Tijuana). That time he started to get agressive. He would break a door, he would throw me things and even hit me in the hands. I tried to leave every time but he just did not let me, he would start crying and shouting “please do not leave please!” so I would stay. The next summer we went to Vegas again and I fell into a deep depression. I could not hold it any longer and he knew it, I said I prefered to be at home alone (in Mexico) rather than being in Vegas alone all day with nothing to do (of course he did not want me to work, every time I´d find a job online, that is what I do, freelance, he would say for what they pay me he could mantain me. And he was always against my bosses). He made me stay in Vegas for two months and after that my mental state was pretty bad. I never got to see him, he was always playing (or so he said) and he would leave home around 10am and come back at 2am.
After that we spend the summer again in Spain and he got really jelous even of his brother (because I had a good relationship with him) and he would become super obsessed with how I dressed and who I talked too and what I was posting on social media. In January we moved to another part of MExico (Yucatán) against my will, I was depressed, I kept on telling him I needed to be somehwere around my family and friends and he did not listen. Things there got even worse. He hit me several times and he was NEVER at home. I would come to the point where I would hid in the bathroom, and close the door locked, and he would unlock it with a coin from the outside, and I remember at that moment all I could think was to take the razer and kill myself. Actually there was a time where he opened the door and my first instinct was to ran to the kitchen and take a knife. It was simply not worth it to stay with him anymore, all the fights, the physical abuse, the shouts, the devaluation… One day he left and he was supposed to be back in 10 days but he never came back. HE LEFT ME ALONE IN MEXICO. I had no idea where he was, if he had found somebody else, he did not answer any of my messages, neither my calls on whatsapp and on Skype. Nothing. I lost 15 kilograms in one month. I am 24 and my weight was of 47 kg. With the help of my family I got out of that apartment and flew back to Europe. I wrote him a goodbye email which he never answered and just when I landed to Europe he started writing me where I was, if I was ok. I answred to leave me alone.
After two months of being in Europe, recovering weight and talking with my family he sent me an email. Saying “I left him alone in Mexico” and that “I drained him” that he gave me everything in his life and he forgot about himself. Saying he had depression and a hard attack when he got back home and saw I was not there (when I told him several times I was leaving). After two days of receiving the email I called him and said this relationship had come to an end. He first shouted and then he said he was so happy I was doing great and I developed so fast. By that time he was in Mexico.
THREE DAYS LATER HE WAS KNOCKING THE DOOR OF MY PARENTS HOUSE.
I could not believe my eyes when I saw him in my room. He tried to pull me back, to tell me we could go again and pack my stuff. At that moment I started to have suicidal thoughts again. Lucky my family new all the story, we went to court and had a trial, they got him in jail (twice in a month, he had been in jail for drugs in Miami too). And when he got out of the jail after the trial first thing he did was calling me again.
After that I have been doing therapy, healing and now I am way better. I have to say that I had no contact with him whatsoever but he did wrote my brother and my sister, the first sentence of his message was: “I and only I know what´s best for her…”. Three months have passed today and he keeps on blocking and unblocking me from whatsapp, daily. I did not write him anymore and I did not contact him never again. But I am afraid he will at some point…when he realized he is loosing power. I am not checking him on whatsapp for two weeks now.
Sometimes I wonder if he really is a psychopath..But after writing all the story for the first time. After being in the hospital because he hit me, alone in Mexico, with him not wanting to come with me, after almost killing myself and being abused sexually in a state of mind that was the lowest at that moment. After him stealing all my certificates and hide them from me so I could not work for more than a year (the he would bring them to me back to Spain saying he found them at home THEY WERE NOT THERE I LOOKED AND SEARCHED FOR MONTHS!!!), I think I have my answer in there…
Just because your ex made you fall in love and treated you like you’ve always wanted (virtually everyone does this in the courtship phase, if you didn’t you would be friends) then changed doesn’t make him / her a sociopath, quit looking for justification that nothing was your fault and they were just using you, chances are if you ever dated a sociopath you would never know.
Hi Positivagirl here is a copy of what I wrote:
AUGUST 12, 2017 AT 5:26 PM
Hi I wanted to share my story with a sociopath and deceptive narcissist I met 2 years ago and just recently cut off for good. This story is a bit long so bear with me, if you don’t mind. His name is Silas Kamara but when we first met he lied and told me his name was “Kamara Obegenwae”-he lied and said his last name was his first name and he completely fabricated a last name. I would later find out why he did this. I first met him When I was on my way from college class I had stopped to the store and picked up a few items. On my way to the bus stop I passed a guy who I initially thought was Jamaican because he had a really beautiful, tropical sounding accent . I walked to the bus stop and waited here for a few minutes and soon after the ” jamaican” guy came up behind me and asked me what time the bus was coming. I wasn’t really in a talkative mood so I told him I wasn’t sure and left it at that. However the guy started flirting with me, told me how beautiful I looked and asked me where I was on my way to. He and I began to talk more and I found out he was actually from Sierra Leone and we talked about astrology and traveling. I told him my birthday was January 3rd and that I’m a Capricorn and I found out he was a Virgo (Virgo men are my personal favorites and his birthday was September 5th). I already felt chemistry with him and after our bus came we talked and laughed on it like it was just the two of us and he asked could he walk me home. I said yes and I jokingly said he probably just wanted to find out where I live. He playfully said yes he did but little did I know it was actually serious. He walked me to my house we exchanged numbers and he called me when he got home and mentioned that he would be out of town for a couple weeks but as soon as he got back he wanted to take me out on a date. I said okay and we talked more over the next couple days. However on the second day of knowing him he called me that morning and told me that he was ” in love with me “. I laughed and told him he was a charmer but no one falls in love that fast. He restated that he was in love with me and complete seriousness and he told me that the reason why he felt the need to tell me was because he is a “romantic/sentimental type” and he felt he had known me forever. Obviously I didn’t take him seriously but odd behavior what set the tone for the remainder of our relationship. When he got back from his trip we met at the park by my house and talked for 2 hours when he asked can I come back to his house later (he lived in the same neighborhood as me) and he could cook dinner for me. I said okay and later on he returned and we walked to his house. I’m a dominatrix when it comes to kink and role-play so I asked him could I tie him up and he enthusiastically allowed me to do it to him. I pleasured him but I told him earlier that day that I wasn’t comfortable having sex with him just yet. However while he was still tied to the bed he had been so aroused that he said ” how are you going to do this to me?” meaning he felt that I had gotten him so turned on that I somehow owed him sex. I told him no because he also did not have a condom and even if I were going to change my mind I would not want to have sex without a condom because I do not want to get pregnant. I untied him and we made out for a bit and he started to give me a massage but then got on top of me and asked me “why I didn’t why trust him”. I told him it was nothing personal but that I just didn’t feel comfortable without a condom. However he persisted and begged me to let him have sex with me for “just 5 minutes” and he promised he would pull out. However 5 minutes became 20 minutes and he wound up nearly ejaculating inside of me. I was so scared and upset that I told him to take me home right then and there. I realized that what happened to me was not rape but I still felt like I had been coerced and pressured to having sex when I had no intention to do so. However I didn’t feel like I could confide in anyone and for the next two weeks I was so scared of getting pregnant so my period was delayed. Meanwhile Silas found a way to play the victim and ask why I stormed out when he wanted me to spend the night (we had never agreed to that) and he told me I owed him an apology. I told him I was scared so I didn’t owe him anything and he didn’t know how to take no for an answer. Eventually I forgave him but every time we met up he would try to find a way to try to coerce me into having unprotected sex (I never agreed to it again) and afterwards he would accuse me of “acting up” just because I wanted to be responsible with my body. I grew sick of his rude attitude and we stopped talking for a couple months however in January of 2016 we begin talking again and he would arrange to meet his house where we would have sex and he will cook for me afterwards. However I begin to notice this was a consistent pattern And he never would actually take me on dates. When I confronted her about this I asked him was he just using me for sex and if yes just to be honest about it (I have no problem having casual sex but he kept saying how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and felt that if he just wanted sex he should stop saying things like that and be honest.) however he told me the only reason why he hadn’t taken me out was because he had a low income job and had no time for money to take me anywhere special, or so he said. My intuition told me something wasn’t right and after doing some Google searches I found out that not only had he lied about not having a Facebook account, he lied about his name, and he was a novice pastor in his African congregation and ironically often gave sermons on abstinance and chasity (i’m not religious but I thought the hypocrisy was absurd). I also discovered that he frequently went on expensive outings and trips he paid for with various friends (even though he told me he never had money to go anywhere at the time). He lived a complete double life. About a month later Silas called me early in the morning because he ask could I come to his house that day and he said he had something he wanted to talk to me about and it was important. I told him that he could just tell me on the phone, however he said it was “big” and he needed to talk to me as soon as possible. I went to his house later that morning and he had made me a fruit platter and he asked me to come close to him so he could hold me and tell me what he wanted to talk to me about. I was nervous but I figured he was probably going to tell me that he was moving or something. He began by telling me that he’s been struggling with his job and his citizenship and he’s worried about losing his work permit legally and the only way to keep it is if he gets married. I felt a knot form in my stomach and then he proceeded to ask me if I could marry him so that he could legally keep his working visa. I was appalled and angry then I begin to cry and I told him that I felt used, and that what he wanted to do was illegal and that probably didn’t even realized how used and taken advantage of I felt. He quickly began to apologize and told me that he wanted to marry me anyway but he was waiting for the right time to ask in this situation was just the most convenient for him. He began to try to control me and coddle me and because of my vulnerable state we were intimate later (he knew how to push my buttons). However I told him no and I went home angry as I usually did with him. When I got home I began to ask myself why I put up with him when he always makes me so upset. One day a few weeks later while we were walking to his house a family friend who lived nearby had seen us and she called my dad and told him she was worried about me because the guy she saw me with (Silas) was, in her own words, a ” sexual predator and bad news”. She said she knew exactly who he was because he had propositioned her in the past and she also told me later on that she found out that he was under investigation for sexual assault on a woman close to my age and the best thing I could do is stay away from him for my own good. At first I thought it was a case of mistaken identity because Silas has shown me his background report from a work application when I confronted him on what my neighbor had told me about him, but then I thought that to how he had course pressure me into having sex with him the day we met and how he got on top of me and persisted that we do it and I began to have suspicions and worries. However we still maintained contact and he would always persist in asking me to marry him however towards the end of the year (December 2016) he told me that if I didn’t marry him he would find someone else to do it so he could keep his Visa. I told him that I had no intention on marrying him and I only believed in marrying for love. He insisted he loved me but I knew he was being deceptive and manipulative. In February of this year (2017) right before Valentine’s Day he had bought me a ring and formally proposed me with it. Admittedly I was flattered but I still refused his offer and reminded him that what he wanted to do was illegal. After that I didn’t hear from him for an entire month but one night I got a call from him and he was in a car talking and laughing with other people and he said he would call me again when he got home. Later on he revealed to me that he followed through with his plan to marry someone for his Visa and he paid a woman he had ust met the previous week to help him with his marriage scam. I can’t say I was surprised but then he asked could we still meet and have sex and that he still loved me and it was purely a marriage of convenience and that he was planning to divorce her after 10 months. Needless to say I was disgusted and I met up with him just so I could tell him off. He also told me that the woman he “married” already had a boyfriend which turned out to be another lie. She had a son and she looked old enough to be Silas’ mother. He would post pictures and social media the two of them on outings and dates (remember he had still been telling me that he did not have the money to take me out anywhere.) I felt awful because I realized I had merely been used for sex the entire time and while he tried to use me for marriage fraud and he successfully used his new “wife” for his schemes he still would take her to all the places he never took me (the only time we ever spent together was in his bed) and it made me feel awful. I felt like an unpaid prostitute for him all along, and what angered me is that if he only wanted casual sex he could have just been honest with me instead of feeding me lies and decieving me about so many things. He also kept changing his story because at first he said he and the woman were not romantically or sexually involved but then he said they were temporarily have been he changed his story again and said that they weren’t. I no longer believed a word he said. The last time I ever saw him was in July about a month ago he had come to my house crying in his car and apologizing because the woman he “married” would not sign over her assets to him and he was worried about losing his job because she wouldn’t sign all of the property papers. He had the audacity to ask me to sign a lease note one his apartment so he wouldn’t lose the room he rented out. Thoroughly disgusted, I told him I didn’t ever want to see him again and not to ever call me again. I found out that he and the woman are somehow on good terms, he still takes her everywhere and looks after her son, and I believe they now live together in a different County (possibly because his scam began to unravel and he was desperate for it to look legitimate or so he told me). I’m angry and hurt because I feel like I was used yet I gain nothing from it and all the things he should have done for me he does now for the other woman he scammed. I wish he would have never tried to get me emotionally involved because it could have saved me the heartache. If he would have just been about only wanting sex I would have happened to him but instead he played on my emotions and never once apologized for what he put me through. I feel its unfair because it seems like he gets to move on and be happy and do fun things and go on the all outings that he claimed he had no money for and he never paid for his deceit and lies and the marriage scam. He goes to his church and preaches to his congregation yet he has skeletons in his closet. He’s judgmental (he would often judge me for how I dress and say I’m inappropriate and “dress like a whore” right after having sex with me ironically). He would constantly make promises he never kept and pretends he’s so perfect and everyone falls for it. I’m just angry and trying to get over everything I went through with him. It’s hard each day I’m stronger and and make an effort move on.
Please don’t focus on him and what he is doing. This will hold you back. Focus on you. The love has been stripped from you. You sound like a beautiful kind loving person. Start pouring you. Into you. Remember each day that you are away you heal. Keep to no contact.
aww thank you so much Positivagirl 🙂 and I’ll definitely take your advice. I also find that keeping my loved ones close to me and doing things that empower myself as well as practicing self-love help as well. Thank you again and love&hugs ❤ xoxo
Sounds like you have this red lioness. Having a support network around you can help massively. Also knowing what empowers you. It sounds like you really do have this. You just have to do the ‘cold turkey’. Have you ever tried going on a diet or quitting smoking? Anything like that? You need to break the addiction. Otherwise you could be stuck forever. Pulled into the ‘good’ then spat out in a rage.. or your world turned upside down again. One step at a time. One day at a time.
It’s not exactly what happened to me. My now xwife, afte twenty years with me, ran off without me having any clue until she was 150 miles away in the SF Bay Area. Her xhusband had been talking to her on the phone and via snail mail. They are both the same religion and they have children and grandchildren in common. Anyway I couldn’t tell her to stop talking to him but preferred she do it while I’m awake. The a hole used to call at 8:30 pm and I picked up the phone and told him not to call everytime I was falling asleep. He said he wouldn’t but he had other ways. All the communication was supposed to be about their religion and the kids, that’s why I couldn’t stop it.
Anyway the conclusion is that he won her over and she just skipped town and then called me and said she was not coming back.
Definitely go NO CONTACT. Don’t look for him on facebook or anywhere else. Get away and stay as far away from him as you can. You WILL get better and you will never let a psychopath happen to you again. Read “Psychopath Free”. You’ll find your life on every page.
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My ex is trying to come back around after two years. I’ve spent hours in therapy talking about what he did. It’s as if a part of me can’t remember all the bad stuff. I keep replaying the good stuff in my head. When he left me (suddenly, after texting me that morning that he loved me), he said, “I destroy people. That’s what I do.” I said, “Well, you’ve destroyed me.” He said, “This is nothing.” You’d think that would be enough that two years later I would ignore his messages to me. But I want to let him back in. I feel like an addict (thank you for your post ‘Take me to your dealer’) yearning for that drug. I’ve been praying so hard, and talking to my therapist and best friend about it, trying my hardest not to reply. In my mind though, I just want one more kiss. One more hug. To sleep next to him one more time. It’s torture.
Do what you will….but go into it with your eyes wide open!! He will come (and GO) as many times as you will let him. They do NOT change. Not for you…..not for anyone!! And he will DRAIN you every time. You will loose everything. So if you can afford that, (financially and emotionally) just take him back one more time.
You are right, Kate. I tried so many different ways to take mine back. I left him half a dozen times and he appeared to leave me twice, but what I realized is not only do they not change, no matter what sort of relationship it is, but he never really left me. They simply do not go away, ever! And every round of contact is draining because it always ends up in the same place. He tries to get me back where he wants me, I relax a bit because he’s consistent and acting more or less normal, then he starts the silent treatments, approach/avoid, chaos-causing behavior, I blow up and call him every name under the sun, and then I realize that what he wants is the attention. It doesn’t matter what form it takes. As they say, the only way to deal with these types is to completely ignore them, but that’s easier said than done.
My ex is trying to come back around after two years. I’ve spent hours in therapy talking about what he did. It’s as if a part of me can’t remember all the bad stuff. I keep replaying the good stuff in my head. When he left me (suddenly, after texting me that morning that he loved me), he said, “I destroy people. That’s what I do.” I said, “Well, you’ve destroyed me.” He said, “This is nothing.” You’d think that would be enough that two years later I would ignore his messages to me. But I want to let him back in. I feel like an addict (thank you for your post ‘Take me to your dealer’) yearning for that drug. I’ve been praying so hard, and talking to my therapist and best friend about it, trying my hardest not to reply. In my mind though, I just want one more kiss. One more hug. To sleep next to him one more time. It’s torture.
i understand the desire to be with your sociopath again. Please fight it. They lie. A sociopath cannot love – literally. They attach, mirror you to be the person you need, feed off your emotional energy, then move on after exhausting your supply – or they move on because they have found another person they think will excite them more. They manipulate, brainwash, seduce and ultimately destroy. I am struggling with something called “cognitive dissonance”, which is mental stress that is caused by holding two conflicting beliefs. On one hand, my thoughts are “he’s kind, decent and loves me…this has to be a misunderstanding”….but I’ve uncovered big and little lies that were woven in our daily life, his addiction to porn, prostitutes and cheating – as in, I found him on a website to find anonymous sex partners – not decent! And he had begun the devaluing phase of our relationship – the active abuse (sexual and emotional) – when it all became clear to me. When his mask slipped, the red flags became very obvious. Please, for your own sake – your sanity and self-worth – please avoid him. There must be no contact with your sociopath. None. Otherwise he will work his way back in. Don’t allow it – even to ask “why”. The why is, they are not able to have real, healthy relationships because their brains are incapable of the emotional depth it takes to be a good partner or good member of society. Good luck.
Hi Nikki,
I’m really grateful to find your website. I just got out from a toxic relationship which I start to think he is most likely a sociopath after leaving him.
He is a colleague and I just moved to this new place. I was lonely and in need of company and love. He is married. However he kept coming after me telling me how unhappy he is in his marriage. He says that he loves me and he wants to protect me and provide me with everything that I ever wanted. He wants to give me a family. He also told me about all his affairs which amounting up to 7 or 8 because he is unhappy with his marriage. However he is hitting hard on me asking me to marry him and he moved into my house really fast. I was so happy to meet someone who really knows me as we have similar interest. I then sacrifice myself by being his sexual partner (which he is very much addicted and having a big appetite for sex), being his maid, cook, financial advisor and his mum. He lavished me with gifts. He loves to have me worshipping him and being his biggest fan. He did request a divorce from his wife however when I was not around because of work he will travel to ask his wife to stay. I was so insecure because somehow my gut is telling me that he will not have chosen me over his wife and true enough I found out they were together despite him asking a divorce from her. During a confrontation between me and him and his wife, he made a chose to stay with his wife. I was very hurt however the next day he came to me begging me to stay however telling me I’m not to tell his wife. I refuse to be together with him. From time to time he will tell me he misses me and he loves me, asking for sexual favours which I refused. 2 weeks after leaving him, he found a reason and came to my house and rape me. I was left really broken and sad. When I confronted him about his act, he was not remorseful and he told me that I am overthinking things and I should get on with my life. When I asked him what is he trying to achieve by asking me to stay, I realised that he has no plans at all. He will paint a really nice future with me however I also do know he will paint a similar picture with his wife. When I confronted him about it, he says he can go both ways and he has not made up his mind who he wants. I told him I will make the decision for him by leaving him. After the rape, because he saw that I was really hurt he stopped coming after me. But that is because he has a big project at work. At work he is a very competitive person who always loves to win and he is very charming to the bosses. He is very demanding and he wants me all to himself. He is unhappy when I have my own life. He is unhappy because I told him that I will never put him 1st.
I really do hope I can come out from this stronger and you are a big encouragement to me.
Hi Bunny,
It has been two years since you wrote this. I am wondering where that relationship is today. I went through this exact same thing and can relate. I hope you are out of that mess and doing well in life now.
My ex shares so many narc qualities but I’m still really confused if he is just callous or he truly is a sociopath. I would really appreciate someone taking the time to ready my story and give me your thoughts (without judgement please).
When I met him I had just come out of a long term relationship and he seemed really fun an easy to be around. I knew he was seeing other women as he referenced it frequently, was out every weekend in bars and strip clubs and even threw an empty box of condoms at me after the first time we had been intimate. None of this bothered me because all I was in for was casual. It was at the eight month point that I learned he was engaged and shortly getting married and this again didn’t bother me since I was in a string of girls and didn’t see this as long term. I actually found it comforting that I could leave at any point.
Well you all know how it goes, feelings form and all of a sudden you are in this love vortex and have no idea how you got there but it feels wonderful. I stopped asking about his life because it was too painful to hear the details and was with him on and off for six years..
Things about him
– He told me he came from a military background in some type of intelligence unit, so when I asked about his past he often told me he could not say and that he was so used to lying about it that he couldn’t remember what was true
– The stories he would tell me about his military past always involved the bad decisions he had to make and the lives he sacrificed. How he carried this weight around with him (was this evoking pity?) He told me that he used sex with women (other than his wife) to feel better about this lingering guilt.
– He is very charming and witty but he has lots of family and long term friends.
– He owns his own company and has been steadily building it for 5 plus years
– He told me that I was his one true love and constantly showered me with time and affection. This never stopped and I never got any rage or criticizing
– He always talked about when we would eventually get married but I would brush this off or shut him down
– He constantly tried to make me jealous, at first with other girls he was screwing and later with girls that he claimed not to be screwing but were in his life (but never with his wife)
– the only time we ever really fought is when I would end things because I didn’t want to be the other woman but after a couple of months he’d call and catch me at a weak moment and we start off as friends and things would heat up. He would always recount how horrific those months without me were
– My final straw was that in the last 2 years he told me that he had changed, he was done cheating on his wife and that I “didn’t count”. He wasn’t interested in other girls and that I had helped to change him. I had huge trust issues in general but we had a talk and I told him I would not hold him accountable for his past and that we would work on building trust. I found out he had been dating another girl for 5 months. I immediately went no contact. He showed up at my work and I told him that he should never contact me and is dead to me and then blocked him from everything.
The thing is I am not hurt or sad. I feel fooled and angry for trusting this person but I just can’t determine if he is a sociopath or just a pathological cheater/womanizer.
Hey all,
I’m so grateful for this website. It is making so many things clear form and… admittedly… also freak out a bit.
I found the website as I am finally starting to say goodbye to a fling with a psychopath (1 month good, 1 month bad) that was back in August last year (!!!) and I need to find reassurance. Long story, sorry.
I’m a gay man and the person in question was an allegedly bisexual man, highly performing at work and who openly told me about having taken part in group beatings as a teenager. Furthermore, he even uttered the sentence “a hole is a hole” concerning his bisexuality. How could I not have run away instantly? This is my NUMBER ONE question to myself and the thing for which I have to forgive myself. I was weak at the time.
What happened for me to cling onto him was that once, as we were having sex (of course me as the receiver because he would never have allowed me to take control), the condom broke and he ejaculated inside of me. I’m telling myself now that he obviously manipulated it for it to break. After that, he sort of forced me to let him penetrate me without a condom (“just the tip” which he had conveniently lubricated already) and I gave in in the end.
As I had started to notice his suspicious behaviour, I became afraid of him being a promiscuous bastard as all psychopaths are, so I comforted myself by trying to see what he WAS a good person. But he wasn’t. He ridiculed me, made fun of my body, made me feel worthless and yet there I was. Stockholm syndrome if you wish. I had to wait four weeks to get tested and fortunately everything came out negative. After this I was ready to let him go. However, he reappeared and there’s no need to tell how I fell back into the trap… But this time, I wrote to him “goodbye” after he rejected my attempt to see him for the third time.
Well, it turns out now, 5 months later, that he did infect me with something. Warts, to be precise. When I found this out, I wanted to contact him and let him know. Inform in a friendly manner. But obviously, this was a trick for me to feel the rush of receiving an answer from him. Thankfully, someone close to me told me that he would turn it around and say that I gave it to him instead. So I refrained. And I now recur to this forum.
What is crazy as I read this is that I realise that the “crazy” ex-boyfriend whom I broke up with in January last year was a clear psychopath, though with more narcissistic traits. This thought makes it even more frustrating because: why did I fall for an even scarier beast after finally being able to break free from the previous one??
I’ve learnt now at least exactly what to look out for and I’m sure I’ll come out stronger once that devil is completely gone from my body.
I’ve lost all hope in men and see everyone with suspicion now! But that may ultimately be better than naivety.
I forgot to mention that he probably filmed us during sex too, which is what worries me the most! And I’m aware that I won’t be able to do anything about it…
Hi i am pleased that you found us. It sounds like you might benefit from some time alone to love and cherish you. Bad people are out there. But not everybody is bad.
It has been 2 1/2 years since I ended all contact with my ex-nightmare. His house that we shared was foreclosed on and from what I can tell he has moved an hour and a half’s drive away. Finally, I felt like I was freed of worrying about him turning up where I might be. Boy, was I wrong. At least once a month, he turns up in a local watering hole where I meet friends. I know deep down he does this to continue to have control over me, even if it’s indirectly. The friends he “needs” to visit are my friends and they know not to discuss my life, but they share what he’s up to, and as we’d expect, he’s off to his next victim. Same lines, same story, I’m so glad he’s out of my life, but because of what he did to me, I’m still alone. I’ve told my friends that I don’t want to know anymore, but I feel like this will truly never end and I’ll never be able to have a normal relationship…
You will get there Susan. One day you will wake up and not care anymore. I thought I’d never get there either but I have. I can finally hear from him and not jump to attention and not get angry either. Indifference is your friend!
Thank you, Valerie! I’m so, so much better off, in so many ways. I know that my life, even alone, is better without this twisted person in it. I see what he’s doing. I see that he needs to come back to let everyone know how “great” he’s doing because he knows it will get to me. I’m just so tired of the game, and I just want to be left alone to get on with my life. Moments like what happened this past weekend are much fewer and farther between, and I think our healing is more circular…we revisit the pain and the hurt, but spend less time and feel it less acutely ever time we pass.
Hi Susan Your life alone is definitely better without him in it, and you won’t be alone forever! I agree that the healing is circular and eventually the pain passes. Two steps forward, one step back.
Today is the five year anniversary of my awakening and the end of my relationship with the sociopath. While I’m aware of the date and still feel anger and pain, I’m proud of myself and the life I’ve built. I have a great job that I enjoy and am in a relationship with someone who is willing to help me sort out what still nags at me, and may always. This site has been a huge support in that journey and I’m so grateful for you all! I’ve maintained no contact, and I promise that it helps the healing process to do so. I’m living proof that wherever you are now in your journey, there are better days ahead. Keep pointing yourselves in that direction and believe. Peace and much love to you all!
Hi Susan. Thank you so much for your feedback and to let us know how things are going in your life today. It also hit five years this year that he left my city and I was finally free. It sounds like you have done a lot of work on yourself and to rebuild yourself and life. Well done. Keep smiling and being happy 🙂 your positive message will help others I am sure.
I have switched from reliving the most awful day of my life to celebrating the birth of the person I am today. I remember the night I found this site and realized that I was not alone, and if I can give someone else hope, I would be honored by that!
1 month passed since he left,that pain is still feels strong sometimes.He discarded me before Christmas and right after that,he posted Instagram pictures with his new gf (like a lot of picture). i still remember he said it out without A SINGLE APOLOGIZE/GUILTY and i cried for a whole damn weeks for that.We had a LDR for 4 months and i always remember those promise he made before the discard,and those words that he said like “i miss you,i wont leave you,bla bla bla.
Just a few days ago,he blocked me on Instagram.and that cause a SECOND damage to me.I cant get over it and started to feel useless and it feels like my fault because difference in nationality and religion.After that,i started to search on internet trying to find an answer for myself.Really,i still feel lost and hurt.Today i made a decision to block him on facebook I realize i gotta get rid of this person,pick up the pieces,while collecting information to make myself see clearer(realized that he is actually flirting with the new gf while still date me).Strangely,i keep feeling that i am going to start a new life.I dont know its a good one or a bad one.But i hope i dont do anything that i hurt myself in the future.I am not sure if he is a narcassist but until now,i am still lost and i just need someone to share my story with.
After 20 years of being married to a psychopath, and now 35 years DIVORCED and RECOVERED from that nightmare…..I am just now learning that I AM NOT ALONE!!
And NOW……I am just now realizing that my daughter might just be a psychopath too!! She and he are very close and I’m the “Bad Wife/Mom” and I will always LOVE my daughter and 3 grandchildren….but I’m so much better off when I don’t hear from my daughter.
Being an only child, she expects to inherit everything I have…..(NOT gonna happen……I’ve already make the legal changes). But she dangles pictures of the grandchildren in front of me like a carrot just to see if I’m still alive! I don’t know what she has told them, but they are afraid to communicate with me. And I hesitate to try to communicate with them for fear they will suffer consequences….maybe because they might accidentally tell me something the aren’t suppose to divulge.
Psychopaths are LIARS……and will damage even their own children.
You and I might perhaps be around the same age. As all stories on this site, every single one, it appears, affects the readers, pretty much the same ways bc narc/soc/psypaths, create pretty much the same scenarios across ages, genders, time with their “victims”, us the “empaths” or whatever we want to call them/us, as collectively agreed upon terms perhaps bc it IS important and pertinent as more and more are waking up to this “silent killer” bc well, it’s the 21st century now. The whole “atmosphere” of the world these days, feels more and more ominous; more “rumbly”.
I have a similar story with my n/s/p and how it ended as yours…..with he after about the same length time as you and yours, 22 years, 2 daughters, how he took it, unbelievable but yet not, how he took to similar “bad mother/wife” crap. The slow ever increasing inflating of tactics, techniques, etc etc etc, used by these abusers, wreaking the serious turmoil and devastation it/they cause to whomever and how ever many.
I stayed. I have to be held accountable for that.
It is a slow progression. Nevertheless, progression.
Your post is about a year old. I do not know if you will see my post here but if you do, please hit me up (hmu) through email. I would love to connect with you…..
Hi, yes I can see this comment. I do still manage this website, twitter account, facebook. And do write articles here still sometimes.
I was trapped in his box. Waiting. Sometimes he’d take me out to play with. Sometimes he’d scare me. Usually he’d leave me inside to torture me. Sometimes he’d make me feel amazing to keep me on the hook. Sometimes he’d hide and act sick to keep me curious. Sometimes I was scared he’d die.
Hello…I didn’t truly understand what a sociopath was. There were immediate red flags from the very beginning. I had recently gone through a divorce so when I mention the signs (red flags) which to someone who hasn’t delt with a sociopath seem very subtle.
It’s been ten years since I first met him and I guess I started feeling like myself again approximately a 1 1/2 ago. While in it, I felt like someone performed a war tactic on me. I pay very close attention to detail and am a very good judge of character so I was constantly questioning some of the tihings that he told me but I loved him. I was tring to also prove to others around me that I was over my ex-husband and which I was. Also perople around me called me picky. After going through all that I have been through. they can call me whatever. I am going with my gut from now on.
When it was finally over the gaslighting really kicked in. I thought that him staying involved with people in his past was weird but didn’t make any waves about it because he was so convincing that he just cared about people. One of the big things that I noticed was that he also seemed to be attracted to me. You know how you feel when you are with a man and you can feel him checking out another women, well he gave me that feeling around men. Also to me he sometimes had a boyish behavior. My ex was a police officer and could drive really good. The sociopath seem to have night vision probelms. He had so many of the traits. But as I read information, if he was never diagnosed or if he does eventually get tested and they same he isn’t a sociopath, he is not someone that I would want to be with or be around because he is a horrible human being.
Towards the end we disussed getting back together because I loved him so much. Economically I thought it would be feasible because we were both struggling and after all, I thought we were gonna be together for ever. I went to his home unexpectly and he was alread dating another woman. Long story short he told her in front of me that he wanted to be with me but that was because I have a job. I walked out of his house and was thinking to myself that he could do the same thing to me.
Long story short I moved in with him and cried from day one because once I was in the house I realized something was off with this guy. I cried for the entire 8 months I was there but from day one my goal was to get out. Once I moved back home, I googled why would this person stopy answer my phone calls when we first got togehter he smothered me to death with gifts and calls and that when I discovered I had been love bombed. I think after two months in the beginning of the relationship I said I hope he looks at me the way he ws looking at me then but in looking back it was those empty eyes. I realized the horrible things he would tell me were really horrible things that he had done (and for some creepy reason felt that way when he was saying them). I am very intune with my feelings and he was able to get away with it because I wanted it so bad. I read everything I could about sociopaths and could now probable teach a class on it. The maticulous dresser and clean person didn’t exist. Once I moved in, the door was no longer held for me. His kids are two unproductive human beings so I constantly told him that his life didn’t coorelate. He has taken a great deal from me and in looking back I gave him to much information on day one. I was in a very dark place after dating him but I’ve gained a large amount from this experience. The strange thing about a sociopath is that in the end they think you are still in love with them when I was just trying to gather information on his emptiness. I now actually feel sorry for him but from a distance because I couldn’t image not being able to feel all the wonderful things that I feel. What a horrible exist they live. So monters do exist. He always said that he had a wonderful monther. She was a single parent and they grew up in public housing. I think he was probably abused. Anyway, I could write a book about sociopaths but I really wish there was a public annoucement. I received so many gifts and beautiful bouquets that to me in the beginning it was actually creepy. I told my ex-husband I felt like he was breaking his neck to open doors for me…I guess what I was feeling is that it was natural. I do want a man to open doors for me….but his was diffent. Oh and he talked differently. I think a sociopath also gives you too much information because they are lying and they think this makes the lie more believable….it was always weird to me. Well that’s it and I all can say is go with your gut intinct. I apologize for any typos.
PS…I’m a better me because of this…I still cry but what gets me through is I remember that person doesn’t exist and never did 😀
So I not only dated a sociopath, but I married him for 13.5 years.
When we got together he was 29, broke, living in a studio apartment within walking distance to his job (he did have a job).
I was a 38 y/o successful RN with a decent income and a brand new home.
After 6 months of dating he moved in and we got engaged. But the money started pouring out the door. I now realize I was broke the minute he came into my life. He had never seen the kind of money I made before and half of his paychecks went to child support for a child in a previous marriage. I now ask – why I never saw the signs but I was taken by him, and the fun and partnership he brought to my life.
We were married at the one year mark. he worked throughout the first 8 years of our marriage, but he was a minimalist. We had expensive tastes and liked nice vacations, nice electronics and he always wanted to have the newest and the best. He did his M-F 0700-1530 day job, and I did mine, except I also worked 12-24 hours on the weekend to always bring in extra money for the things we liked. He always wanted more, he wanted his own business so he didn’t have to work for anyone else – I think he really just didn’t want to work and wanted someone else to run his business (bar/restaurant). He had no experience and refused to work extra to learn the business.
He was eventually fired by his long time job (hospital security) on my 50th birthday, that’s when I believe his downhill spiral started.
He didn’t invest time into looking for work. He always said he didn’t see anything that sounded interesting. Mind you, at this point I was doing it all and I didn’t care if it was interested or not, he needed an income (we needed an income). He felt like he was contributing because he had an unemployment check coming in, but I had to send most of that to his first ex-wife for child support.
After 7 months of him being lazy, coming to bed at 0300 in the morning after playing on his computer and sitting and watching TV when I got home from work, we decided that maybe if we moved and relocated he would have a fresh attempt at looking for work in another city.
We packed up and moved from Washington state to Arizona. He had never felt what it was like to completely start over, so a big move it was.
He arrived in Arizona 3 months before me and his only task was to locate a job and finish his last two classes for his bachelor degree. I arrived three months later, and because I was a nurse with a Grad degree, I already had a job waiting.
with a month of me arriving to Arizona he took a job setting up retirements. It was a commission only job. Now because we are in a different state his unemployment ran out, and out income just seemed to get worse /tighter. He had a job, but lacked motivation and did not bring in an income. I again was working all week, plus 12-24 hours on the weekend, to keep the rent paid, gas in the cars, food on the table, but he still had expensive tastes and he also would not sacrifice his wants. He always had alcohol and he always wanted to eat in restaurants.
After 8 months of no income he was fired from that job. Again I was doing it all, working, housekeeping, paying the bills and sacrificing and struggling.
he went another 3 months without an income or trying to find work. I finally told him that he had three months to land a steady income or I was heading back to Washington. Message received. He landed a great job in university security.
Now please understand there were a lot of fun times in our marriage, in the early years, great vacations, nice clothes, good friends. But I really got angry, when I had to do it all and he didn’t seem to care.
After he got the university job, things seemed to start getting better, he was working fulltime, I was starting to put money away for a vacation, finally after the dry spell of no vacations for 4 years. Not lets also keep in mind, through all of this he never spent time finishing his last class that he needed for his bachelors in management degree – he had not worked on this last class for 3 years.
But I was convinced that we were going to make it, things were looking up. He wanted a new car and since we had to drive an hour each way to work, we ended up getting new reliable cars and we moved out of the city.
I always found a way to give him everything he wanted, I thought that’s what a successful marriage does, you work hard, and give to each other, and trying and make your partner happy.
then the day came- he left for work as usual, and then there was the horrible knock on the door. It was the police, I opened the door to 14 shotguns in my face and a search warrant. My husband was arrested for 10 counts of child pornography. Now I know what he was always doing on the computer late at night while I slept.
And to make matters worse he was cheating on me with one of my best friends. So long story short, I sacrificed and sacrificed to make him happy and he thanked me by cheating on me and doing something so deplorable as possession and sharing of child porn, of all ages. We are now divorced, he took a plea deal for 12 years in prison. I actually tried to stay friends with him, and I cant honestly tell you why, except that I felt sorry for him. He had a way of making me feel sorry for him. For the next year and half, his letters got more pitiful, meaner, sarcastic and he kept telling me how terrible I was for not visiting, and for not waiting for him. I just could live my future the way I lived my past. always doing it all and always broke.
He is now in prison, laying on a bunk everyday, all day, and I am trying to recover my life. He left me with 60K in collections (that I am slowly cleaning up) and now he is threatening me (extortion). Basically he said in his last letter (I am now refusing his mail) if I give him $50K when he gets out of prison, he will walk away like he never knew me, no questions but if I make the wrong decision, and don’t give him the money he plans on spending the next 10 years in prison, figuring out ways to ruin me, financially, he will finds ways to eat up my retirement, and my house and he wont quit until I am homeless and on the streets just like he will be. His future is terrible (lifetime registered sex offender and life time probation), but he made bad choices, and I cant/wont fix him any longer.
I do know if I need a restraining order or if I will need to move in my future. But I am now done with him. He cant tell me how terrible I am any longer, because he says he deserves a chance to makes this up to me and I will never respect or trust him again.
I feel like god took him out of my life so I have a second chance to start over, and now I have to stop wondering why I was not enough for him.
Hi Pat, thank you so much for your comment. I read it all, and could relate to so much of what you say. I can really empathise with how you are feeling right now. I even understand why, after all he did you felt sorry for him, and that you kept in contact with him in prison.
I think your determination of who he is, is not far off the mark. I see signs of sociopathic behaviour. What you are describing now, about the threats towards you, is also classic behaviour.
BREATH….. you can do this. This man likely worked hard on brainwashing you, which would have gone on for a very long time. It can be difficult, and confusing to move away swiftly from emotional abuse.
I would advise you to look into the topics of trauma bonding and stockholm syndrome.
I want you to remember, that YOU have the power here. He is locked up in Jail, and will be there for a considerable time. You now have an opportunity to rebuild your life. I don’t think that he should be sending you malicious, threatening communication from Jail. I would take this further. It is now time for you to reclaim your life.
I know that it might be tempting to look back to the good times, and for the brain to filter out the bad. But this man has taken so much of your life, and he would continue to control you from a prison cell if you allow it.
NO MORE.
You can really do this. You have your qualifications and your career to fall back on. Please cut communication with him. And take action to ensure that his communication towards you, is also cut.
At first this might be painful, as this man has groomed you for a considerable period of time. But it will be so worth it. It doesn’t matter how many years he had taken from you, what matters now is taking your own life back.
Read back through this blog from the beginning. Starting in 2013, the posts are quite healing, my own work was in homeless sector, i wrote this to help other people, while he was still around in my life. I know when I finally did break free, posts on this site, did help me.
I wish you so much health, recovery and healing. It wasn’t that you were not enough for him. He is disordered. He always has been. He always will be. Nothing will ever change that. I promise you, one day when you are fully free away from his threats, control and grooming, that you will look back and wonder how the hell that ever happened.
Also, I wanted to tell you that you are an incredible woman. I too lived in a stunning brand new house when I met him. I also had a degree and a professional career. I let it all go. You didn’t. I cleared the debts, and am now trying to rebuild my life. I admire you, that you kept going, and you still have those stable foundations in your life.
Time to rebuild with the foundations that you have in your life. It will be the best thing that you have ever done. Also, you will have wisdom that you did not have before, and spiritual growth, it has been a horrible journey. But you are free….. you can really do this.
Thank you so much for the kind words, support and most importantly for sharing and listening. I will take your advice on all. I think my tenaciousness for survival came from my 21 years of time spent in the US Air Force, there is no quitting there, only courage and confidence.
I have stopped his mail from delivery, and blocked the prison phone number, he is on his own now, every day is progress and rebuilding. I just wished I had recognized this all sooner. But I will succeed. I believe that God does not give you what you cant handle.
thank you again, I will be following all your work here and learning from everyone.
Keep going Pat. It is one day at a time you are incredibly strong and brave. You might not know it but the hardest part is over. You have done the right thing by blocking him from further contact.
Hello everyone,
I have been posting here a while ago, when i broke up with my ex sociopath. I had been with him for two years almost until I realized what was going on and then it took me a bit to get out of the relationship.
Anyway, after 1.5 years I just met someone again who seems to be a great fit for me and who I’d consider dating. There were few people I had sex with or was casually dating throughout but this is the first guy that seems to have a lot in common with me and that I would consider having something more serious with.
However, I would really appreciate some input or opinions on this!
I have only known this person for 1.5 weeks.
After the initial few days of pink glasses I am now worried that he might be another narc or sociopath in disguise as things seem to be almost „too good to be true“, just by the amount of things we agree on and the values we share and how attracted we already are to each other.
So here‘s the rundown:
I was on a dating site and matched with a guy who mentioned one of my picture with a „plant based“ clothing item, hence I asked is he plant based too. He said no he loves meat, but his friend who he is just visiting also is plantbased and very muscular. So since he was supposedly leaving town the next day anyway he gave me his friend‘s contact. He said he is a doctor and English/African heritage.
I was intrigued and started messaging with his friend, who is the guy in question. The next morning we talked on the phone for 2 hours and another hour in the evening, also texting all day. Both of us telling each other things how we see the world and what’s important to us and we always agreed! Now I don’t have a lot of information on my dating profile, so I don’t think there’s a way for someone to study me like that online. We agreed on meeting that week. So after texting a lot for 6 days we finally meet up. I was nervous but lost most of the nerves when we were together and it just felt natural. After our small date out in the public we went home to his place where we talked and I did end up staying the night and we did have sex. However he apologized the next day, saying he hopes I didn’t feel rushed or forced, which I didn’t. Two days later I saw him again and we spent more time together eating out and going to the park, him coming over and having sex again. He also was pretty open about where he came from/what he does. His family is a wealthy family from Africa, he is about to be a doctor and he has 4 job offers. He gives me compliments and tells me I’m funny all the time. We laugh a lot, we are very open with each other, he is talking about possible future trips together. He said he is very picky with women and his dad told him he wouldn’t find one because he is so picky. He said friends always try to set him up with someone and he usually doesn’t like it but that his friend did a good job with connecting us.
Now Because I’ve been scorned in the past and felt uneasy about the risk of getting involved with another sociopath I felt the urge to do a background check on him.
Everything he said is true, except when I asked him for his last name he had told me his middle name. Also his age comes up as 3 years older than he said he is and his birthday also varies by a few days. Now i don’t know how accurate the background checks are and why he would lie about small things like that in the first place when everything else he said is clearly true!
I do want to take things slow now to make sure I’m not falling head over heels, missing any possible signs.
He says he is a very patient person, that his last girlfriend was over jealous and some of his girlfriends would get upset because he didn’t tell them what to do or what not to wear and because he wasn’t controlling like other guys. Of course this is only one side of the story and could also not be true..
the way we met each other was so random and yet so perfect because everything seems to match between us. But now I am wondering if he could’ve set up the whole thing himself and „introduced me to himself“ with the disguise of being his friend from out of town?
Obviously I haven’t known him for very long and I need to take more time with this and just take things slow. I generally have a good feeling when I’m with him, I don’t feel pressured into anything even though some things are moving fast. I am planning to hold off a little bit with more sex for now and see what he says.
There are a few more details but this post is so long already and I really would love to hear what you guys think! Am I a Little over worried or would you see red flags in this? How should I proceed with this and how can I find out the truth about his name/birthdate without telling I did a background check?
I love the support of this thread so much and once again am grateful for anybody who reads this and shares their opinion or advice!
Much love,
K
I am convinced that my precious daughter, at 13, was dating a sociopath. I am afraid that she has deep scars from this and I am making her (against her will) see a counselor beginning next week. I have shared this blog with her to see if she can simply gain some insight. Being a former educator with additional counseling classes, I knew something “just was not right” from the beginning! “John” checked out great on paper, straight A’s, honors classes, etc., but I could tell immediately that he was like a chameleon, conforming to whoever he was with. He told me “all the right things” and quickly had “Betty” in love…hook, line, and sinker! I was very leery of him, but ignored my intuition (sadly). I asked about talking to his mother and maybe meeting her for lunch one day, and he quickly said… oh you do not want to meet my mom, she is a psyco atheist (knowing we were strong in our faith in God. I simply said I was not judgemental, which threw him off track, but he insisted on not giving me her number making one excuse after another. Convincing myself that maybe the mom just didn’t know about the relationship, I just chalked it up to being a teen (he is 15) and excused this “lie”! After “Betty” told him that she had anxiety at night, he quickly offered to leave their phones on facetime all night, so that my daughter could reach out to him if she needed anything during the night or was worried about anything (her hero) However, when she wanted to spend the night with friends, he would remind her that she could not sleep without being on facetime w him and she would tell me she just wanted to stay home. Once the social butterfly, Betty was trapped and felt like nothing but him made her happy. I would try and try to talk to her, but it was like talking to a tree!!! Once he had her wrapped, he started cheating on her, he would say he was sorry, he loved her more than anything, remind her that only he made her happy and that she could not live without him. She would take him back, he would continue to lie, fain illness for sympathy, said his stepdad beat him. etc. Basically, anything to get her back (he even had me feeling sorry for him). He cheated on her 3 times, sending nudes to other girls and telling them all of the same things he said to betty! She would always take him back and forget the bad focusing on how happy he made her on a day to day basis. He got her a necklace with his name on it and made her promise to never take it off! He said he never got any Christmas or Birthday gifts and of course we made up for that by spending over 500 between the 2 days!!! Finally I got a chance to meet with the mom, she was concerned that they were moving and wanted to let me know. She told me that “John” had been talking to another girl sometimes at night (some nights he would “accidentally” fall asleep and I knew that was a lie! She wondered if he and Ally had broken up…I told her about the cheating and some of the “lies” that I suspected. She said she was not an atheist, his step dad was literally nothing but good to John even though Owen hated him, He literally got over 1000.00 worth of presents and so many other lies. She said it was all “attention seeking” behavior since she and his dad split up. I told her he needed counseling, she and the dad really needed to gain control back but that he is forbidden to talk to my daughter, or a restraining order will be placed. On top of all of this, I found out that they had sex on many occasions without me knowing and that he had a “porn Problem” Needless to say, as a mom, I am crushed to know that my daughter has been through all of this at such an early age, I can’t take it back, but hopefully we can MOVE ON!!!! How does a person do this kind of thing and at such an early age!!! I am still filled with anger, but trying to take it day by day. I am thinking of seeing a counselor too. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for letting them date and not putting an end to it sooner!
Hi Alexa, how old is he? A diagnosis wouldn’t be given to someone prior to the age of 18. Although they could be diagnosed with conduct disorder. How old is your daughter now? Maybe you seeing a counsellor could be beneficial to work through how you are feeling. What has happened is not your fault, although it is a normal parental response to feel that it is. I couldn’t say whether he is a sociopath, as I don’t know him and he is young.
He definitely has tendencies/characteristics as described in your blog and I did not know that people could actually be labeled a sociopath. He def has attention seeking behavior and I hope he gets help.
Moderator – can i please take my name on the above off the post, I didn’t know it would be shown publically, please? Call me Dorabella instead, or anything, thank you.
My abuser is not a diagnosed sociopath but just from reading the comments and reading the traits of a sociopath; I am almost certain he is one. I’ve been with my abuser for 4 and a half years. We were friends for 5 years prior. He began pursuing me whilst I was already in a commited relationship. During our relationship, I was naive and thought that this man was the one for me. He seemed too perfect. He began telling me of his horrible ex gfs and how they all cheated on him. However in the beginning of the relationship he still kept in contact with his “horrible ex gf”. I was uncomfortable with it but kept assuring myself that is was harmless until she started attacking me on social media. It was then that he decided to cut all contact with her, or so I thought. My relationship was filled with so much physical and mental abuse, it started at least 9 months into the relationship. In the beginning he was sorry and said he would seek counseling….I believed him. However, he never seeked couseling. His excuse was that his job would find out. He worked in law enforcement…part time. He did not want to pursue a full time position because he enjoyed the freedom of a part time position. After much persistance from me, he finally pursued a full time position; 3 years later. As the years gone by and more abuse came, he began telling me that he will no longer seek counseling because he felt like it didn’t work. So my only option was to accept him for who he is and to take the beating. All of our arguments began because I found out that he’s been keeping secrets from me and his inability to be faithful to me. He cheated on my physically 2x in our 4 year relationship. Two week prior to our breakup, I found an SD card that was filled with porn and countless of pictures of his “horrible ex gfs.” His excuse was that I wasn’t fulfilling his needs. He broke the SD card and said it was his last time to ever hurt me like that. He had these files saved during our entire relationship! A week after that incident, more pictures began to resurface. He had another file saved somewhere! I remember crying…alot..during our whole relationship…and he felt no remorse..no empathy. Not one “I’m sorry”, instead he told me that I didn’t deserve him or he was oblivious to the fact that I was crying inconsolably. Our entire relationship he gaslighted me. One example; when I found the pictures, he made me believe that it might have resurfaced after he deleted it? Like the phone glitched. That phone is synced to other devices and he was able to retrieve the pictures via Google Images. I didn’t find this out until after we broke up when I had confided in my friend about it. He made me feel stupid all the time, telling me that I’m getting older and my memory is horrible. Or he would say something and completely deny ever saying it even if I had proof. He even had multiple of email accounts; plenty were used to have another identity on social media and engage in pornographic sites. I did not know this until the day we broke things off. During our relationship he made me lose all contact with my friends..my family. His excuse was that he wanted to keep me all to himself. During our last argument he began punching my head while we were driving after he attempted to bump me with my own vehicle. It was then that I finally had had enough. The police got involved and he’s been in jail ever since. I refuse to be a part of his case because I do not want to see him.
This guy broke me…mentally, emotionally. My confidence is at an all time low. I am now taking therapy and it’s helping. Even though he was so horrible, it is taking so much willpower not to run back. Thank goodness for my family and friends for reminding me of what an asshole he was, and thank goodness for forums like this.
Sorry if this story appears twice. I don’t think the first one went through properly.
I am not to sure if my ex is a narcissist or has some other kind of personality disorder. I have been reading up about covert narcissists. I didn’t think anything of it while we were friends or together. He just seemed normal. Although I did notice how passive aggressive he was, he was 2 faced, victim mentality and he easily removed people from his life. He seemed to have high expectations of people and high standards.
Some of this stories were concerning. One including a twin swap where he pretended to be his twin and almost had sex with his twins partner. His twin was having a shower and was oblivious to it. He did it as a joke. I couldn’t listen to the rest of the story so I walked out of the room.
This is the story of our break up.
I was with my boyfriend for 6 months. We worked together for a year previously. So we knew each other quite well as we sat next to each other. We hung out after hours. Spoke every night and on weekends and messaging all the time. He lost his job and moved a 2 hour drive away. We got together. The long distance didn’t bother either of us and we saw each other most weekends.
Everything was going so wonderfully. I really felt like I had met the one. I met his family 6 weeks in and he met mine 4 months in (my parents travel a lot). He always mentioned about me moving in with him. His mum and roommate made comments about me moving in as well. He made comments in front of my mum about me moving in too. So I finally agreed.
He was so excited and a mutual friend even commented about how excited he seemed to be. I met some of his extended family, more comments from his mum about me moving and his uncle telling us to enjoy our time together before kids came along.
All was going well. I went to get boxes and started to pack my house up. I resigned from my job. He started to spiral into depression and anxiety. Keeping me in the loop the whole time. He seemed to get better. (He has depression and anxiety and had some bad relationships in the past apparently). A week later he spiralled again. He could barely talk to me. He kept apologising. I confirmed that he still wanted me to move in with him, he said yes. 12 hours later he told me that the move was f***ing with his head. I was great with it and told him that I didn’t have to move etc. i asked if he still wanted to be with me and he said that he did and just needed time. I was lucky enough to be able to get my job back (which I ended up leaving anyway cause it was toxic). He said that he has to stop talking about it. I asked if I could call him that night; which I did. I suggested taking it slower and he said yes. He wasn’t very engaging.
The following weekend he came over. He was like a zombie. We went out to a cafe for lunch and came home. When we were driving he sent a text to someone with a love heart and kissing emoji. He saw that I saw it. He said that it was a friend “A” and him and “A” were messing around the night before telling each other they loved each other. I didn’t even question it further.
I grabbed his hand and he grabbed mine. He asked if he could ask me something. I said yes. He asked if it was ok if he took a step back. I agreed as I just wanted him to get better. I cried a bit. He grabbed his phone and opened it up when I saw photos he created in a photoshop app that said his initials loves initials I didn’t recognise. And another one saying “I love you”. It didn’t even register to me. he eventually left. Without the dog I was looking after over the past 5 months. Just said that I will still see him as his dog will still be there.
I made those desperate, typical “I still want to be with you” phone calls. We still communicated. We tried to have a friendship. The whole time I was trying to work out what I had seen. It made no sense to me. 4 days after our break up, he added a woman with those initials to Instagram, 2 weeks later to Facebook.
During this time also, we had some intimate phone calls. I ended up asking if he saw a future with me. Long silence, where I laughed and said that he can say no. He then told me that he was cheated on, stolen from and used. Gave me a run down of his ex’s. Said that he could do more stuff when single. I asked if he preferred to be single, he said yes. I told him that it’s a shame I couldn’t change his mind.
5 weeks after the break up, he came and collected his dog. He gave me a couple of amazing cuddles that lasted a couple of minutes each and gave me a kiss on the lips when he left.
I went into depression and anxiety. We contacted each other a couple of times. He asked me for a couple of favours. That was about it.
I went overseas for a holiday a month after seeing him the last time. He was still looking at my Instagram stories. While I was over there, he had tagged her in a post on Instagram. This was 2 months after our break up and no other interactions had occurred that I saw, her profile is private. So I asked him about the text that I saw. He said that it was nothing, honestly. Just his godfathers daughter going through a hard time. 5 days later he blocked me on Instagram. A week after that he blocked me from facebook. I asked about the blocking and he said that he was told by the doctor to distance himself from social media. Right……I went into No contact. A month later he changed his relationship status to single. He also removed a good friend of ours from Facebook. I also noticed that I was unblocked on Facebook but not Instagram. So he has gone to check my profile or something. You can still unblock someone if they have deactivated their account (which I did).
I admit that I dragged it out. I am not good at confrontation and I didn’t want to upset him and accuse him of something. I also wanted to hold onto a friendship….crazy of me.
I held all these feelings in. I felt bad for asking that question about the text.
I had been writing an email. Last week I finally sent it. It wasn’t nasty. Just told him how I felt during that break up and telling him how inappropriate it was to tell me about his cold feet the way he did. I got a lot off my chest. I also thanked him for letting me into his world. I also told him about the pictures I saw. I have since been sleeping amazingly. I don’t expect a response. It would be nice to get answers but he won’t give those to me.
2 days after I sent the email, he deleted mutual friends that we worked with off Facebook and unfollowed them on Instagram. Guessing he read it.
I have started to see a therapist. I felt used. I also feel stupid for my behaviour after the break up. That I didn’t ask about the things I saw sooner. Also, if he was with someone else, I feel ashamed of my behaviour of having those intimate moments with him.
I just found out that the guy I’ve been seeing for the past 3 years has been living a double life – he’s married and I was unknowingly the other woman.
We started off as co-workers and there was instant chemistry between us. He was charismatic and charming and I was completely drawn to him. We would talk all day at work through our IM system (7-8 hours) and then another hour before bed every night. Admittedly, when this started, I knew he was engaged, but even against my best judgment, we continued our emotional affair. Everything between us just clicked and I thought he was my soulmate. He knew more about me and understood me better than anyone ever had, and he would tell me the same. I had never loved someone so deeply before. Eventually things became physical and he told me he would call off the engagement, that I was his perfect match and that he wanted to be with me. There was always a sob story about why he couldn’t though. First he said he tried to call it off with her, but that he had a panic attack. And then he had another one the next morning. I felt bad and didn’t want to add to his stress, so I backed off with asking and believed that he would do it on his own time. Then he said he talked to his parents about it and they threatened to disown him if he called it off. All the while he was promising me that he was working on it though and that it would happen. Well that never happened. A week before the wedding he told me he couldn’t go through with calling it off and I was completely heartbroken and told him it was over – I couldn’t continue having an affair if he was a married man. The night before the wedding though, I had countless texts from him:
“Calling off a wedding is a dick move, whereas a divorce is ‘We tried, it didn’t work’. I know I shouldn’t care what people think, but I do, so I think this is what’s best for the long-term. I’m telling you right now that you’re not going to lose me forever like you think you will. Just because I’m handcuffed and have to go through with this doesn’t mean I want to and doesn’t mean I don’t love you more than anything in the world. A marriage where all I can think about is another girl isn’t one I can see myself being happy with. I promise you I’m going to make this right. I love you too much to wonder “what if” for the rest of my life and care about you too much to see you unhappy. It kills me that you’re having one second of sadness because of me, but if you let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.”
Do you know how hard it is to walk away from someone that’s saying that to you? He knew exactly all the right things to say. So when he got back from his honeymoon and he said he would be filing for divorce soon, I believed him and we started up again. And as far as I knew from that point on, the divorce was underway. Not only was he telling me it was, but I was seeing details about it with my own two eyes. He showed up to work one day with his entire closet in the backseat of his car saying that he had moved out and would be staying with his parents for the time being. He started showing up to work about 10-15 minutes later every day after that and blamed it on the new commute. I would even see him leave work and make a right towards his parents house instead of the left he used to take. I had no reason to believe he was lying to me.
Things between us were a little weirder than they had been before though. He wasn’t coming over as often, he had stopped sending me all the cute texts that he used to, and he still didn’t want to tell people at work about us or introduce me to his friends or family, even though he had met mine. I would get fed up and tell him that I was tired of being some big secret, that I wanted a normal relationship. He’d blame it on the fact that he was affected by the divorce more than he thought he would be and just needed a little time to heal before he was ready to fully commit to me. I would feel bad then for pushing him too soon and agree to give him some space, thinking that’s what was best for the long-term. This went on for about 2 more years. It was a cycle of me getting impatient and wanting more, and telling him we needed to take a break for him to get his shit together. Within a week, he’d always come back telling me he missed me and that he thought a lot about it and was ready to give it a try for real. And for a few weeks after that he would, but then he would slip back into his old ways and the cycle would repeat. He was always giving me just enough to hang on though. He even went so far as to tell me a whole sob story about how he was seeing a therapist to help him get over the divorce and be less selfish so that he could be the man I needed him to be in a relationship. I knew it was stupid, but he was like a drug that I had to keep going back to, even though he kept hurting me over and over.
During this time, their house went up for sale and sold within a week and he told me that was the last step of the divorce and that everything was finalized. I even saw the real estate listing so I knew it was true. I thought everything was finally working out the way he said it would and that we could get our relationship started for real.
I started catching him in a lot of lies after this though. The biggest one being that I had found out that him and his ‘ex-wife’ had bought another house a week after they closed on their first one. I immediately confronted him with all the worst case scenarios running through my head, but he told me it was simply an investment property. That their realtor had a house flipping business on the side and that since they had both moved back in with their parents after the divorce and weren’t doing anything with the money, they went in on one of the houses to flip. This made more sense to me than anything else that was running through my head, so I chose to believe him, but I started having a very uneasy feeling that things weren’t how they said they were. He had an answer for everything though every time I confronted him about one of the lies and made me think I was crazy for thinking there could still be something going on with him and his ‘ex-wife’.Whenever I would catch him in another lie or tell him I was fed up and would leave him if things didn’t get better, he’d always say he would come over after work so we could talk face-to-face. And then when he got here, instead of talking about the issue right away, he’d come in and sit on the couch and start to give me a back rub or a foot rub and ask about my day. He’d make small talk and crack some jokes and then after about 20 minutes of that, he’d bring up the issue and give me a sob story about being stressed at work or something like that, and then promise me that he’d start putting in more effort and tell me everything I wanted to hear. Before I knew it, I was forgiving him and giving him another chance. Every time. Now I see that he was manipulating me to let my guard down first and charm me so I’d be more willing to believe everything he was saying and let it go.
After catching him in so many lies, though, I couldn’t shake the gut feeling I had and couldn’t trust anything he told me at this point. I finally texted his ‘ex-wife’ to ask her myself if they were divorced. I thought she would just confirm everything he had told me and I’d have a little peace of mind, but no. She said that they were 100% together and there was never a time where she thought that they weren’t and demanded to know what was going on, so I told her everything. I was completely devastated and as blindsided as her. How could neither of us have not known or seen it? I couldn’t believe he had gone through such great lengths to carry out all these lies. Had he really convinced her to sell their house and buy a new one just so he could show me the real estate listing and to try to prove to me that the divorce had happened?
I haven’t gotten any kind of explanation from him. He’s been completely ignoring me for the past few days when I try to ask for answers. I understand why though – I’m the other woman and his first priority is obviously going to be to try to talk his way out of it with his wife, but it still hurts like crazy. The rational side of me is glad I’m not the one that was married to him and that I can get a clean break, but at the same time, the side of me that is still head over heels in love with him is hoping he really will get a divorce now that she knows everything and come back to me and things could finally be how I had always imagined at the start of the relationship. I know that sounds so stupid and I’m doing everything I can to talk myself out of that, but I can’t help it. He really was like a drug to me and I’ve never loved anyone so much before, despite all the hurt and bad times.
His wife told me they’re trying to work through it – one side of my brain wants to scream at her for staying, why would you want to stay with a man who has been cheating and lying to you for 3 years? But the other side of my brain knows exactly why she’s saying this. As of right now, I would take him back in a heartbeat if he asked me too, despite everything that’s happened, and I’m the one being ignored right now. I can imagine he’s back to seducing and charming and manipulating her and making it harder for her to see what’s really happening. It’s not fair that he gets to get away with treating people like this, he doesn’t deserve to have this ‘happy life’ and ‘happy marriage’.
How long does it take to get over this? To stop wanting him back even when I know he’s wrong? Will I ever trust or love someone again? Everything just feels so hopeless now.
I am enjoying this site and all of the informative information, but does anyone still post on here? Unless I am overlooking newer posts, it seems as if the newest are dated in 2018.
HI Postivagirl and Bunny, Phoenix, and everyone else, I used to visit here and message, connect on here in 2014, 2015, 2016 etc. I used to post as dragonfly but forgot my old password.
I am free of my controlling ex narc bf as of 2017 and had met a beautiful kind man my soulmate in 2016 as friends then together in 2017 but very sadly for both of us he died of cancer this year. I am trying to cope and carry on without him. he was much older in age than me so I knew I would lose him. We try to communicate from beyond the grave but its hard for me as I miss his physical company physical presence. i’m learning psychic development and spiritual growth, meditation etc to try to handle my grief better and the only way to connect better with him.
I also had a bad time with an ex friend who turned into a sociopath before my eyes after 5 years of friendship, she was jealous of me being happy with my soulmate, I got an ivo against her in 2018 it ended last year in August. It helped her let me go thank god. She did have alcohol and marajuna, ptsd,issues & mental illness: bi polar or schizophrenia that she wouldn’t take medication for long and a few visits to the psych ward when I knew her etc, She was bitter jealous and angry about the 30 years age gap difference between my soulmate and I. He was 30 years older than me but we got on like a house on fire, we were suited to each other even though his wife was in a nursing home with alzheimers, but my soulmate was honest with me from the start and he introduced me to his children and family he never hid me from anyone and he was a true gentleman in every way and the best man i’d ever been with. His wife died 4 months before he did. We went to Ireland together last year just before he got really sick from late stage colon spread to liver cancer late stage 4.
I am grieving and feel empty and lost and sad and disillusioned and I often wish I could follow him to the other world the afterlife. He often visits me in dreams and visions and I talk to him out loud most days on my own and whilst driving. I do have friends and churches and spiritual class but continually feel empty and apathetic without my man, my love by my side in person to share my life with. But I am relieved and happy that his suffering is over. I am happy he’s in heaven with god and his relatives and wife etc.
A couple of also old Men have tried to hit on me since he died. My Bob died 4 1/2 months ago. I didn’t take kindly to the unwanted offers. One maybe a covert narc, sociopath, hes married and looks nearly my soulmate’s age which is 80. He was a distant friend in the local lapidary gem club for 5 years. He seemed jovial and normal, at the club and on club outings etc. He was offering to help me with gardening and fixing my old computer etc. But increased the offers of help after bobs death. Behind his wife’s back, but when I tried to expose him on this and that he was trying to hug me during the lockdown,more than I felt was comfortable, his mask slipped when I tried to expose him and I stopped him from visiting me on his own.
Boy did his emails change, to a different person. No apology for trying to blur the lines or for trying to cross my boundaries. He accused me of false allegations instead and threatened legal action against me if I tell any of his friends in the lapidary club we both attend. Hes nearly 30 years older than me anyway. But cunningly tried to pose as a father figure friend and must have figured he’d try to push his sleazy unwanted affection on me hoping it’d lead to a friends with benefits arrangements and using offers of help around my house after my partner died and using fish and chips meals as a leverage.
What a nasty piece of work, and married too. Turned his wife against me as he must have been afraid i’d tell her. I hate men like this. He was very polite and no flirting while my partner was alive. My partner came to the club with me while he was alive, to keep me company,
We were devoted to each other right up till the end. I saw him take his last breath, heard it leave his body, I was with him while he passed, me and his daughter were by his bed. The world is a dimmer place without him in it. He would have beat the men up who tried to come onto me.
Shame on sociopaths and narcs. I guess we learnt valuable lessons to love ourselves more and not tolerate abusive and toxic controlling behaviour to us and demand respect but run like the wind, never look back, leave them for good once we leave them or they mercifully leave us. They’re charming, funny and charismatic at first when they love bomb and charm us and also toxic and addictive but once the trauma bond is broken, soul ties broken, we can break the chain and gradually heal, enjoy our lives again and mend our broken wings and broken hearts. God will heal us and we need to love ourselves to heal the broken soul wounds that they inflict. (Livvy, Dragonfly)
Blessings to all, stay strong.
Hi,
I don’t know where to turn to for help…
I’m a reasonably intelligent 48yr old man, and have recently been in a relationship with the girl-of-my-dreams.. (Yahdayahdayahda.. it appears!)
We met January 2018, and she became pregnant within a fortnight of us meeting! Not to state the obvious, but I fell sooo very much in love, I was ecstatic! But after 6 weeks, a wobble, a reconciliation… and the cycle continued, never able to spend more than a few days together before the mask slipped etc.. I could go on, but it is all formulaic really.
Ff. to February 2019 (Ava was born Oct ‘18) and I’d seen too much. After snatching Ava off the bed where I lay playing with her, screaming “You Wanted An Abortion!” Then running out the door, I knew at that moment what she was.
But there’s a lil girl, (my lil girl! That I’ve never been given the opportunity to bond with, even in the few brief weeks I spent with her..) and I’m at my wits end here…
I took action through the family court, Jess immediately moved 240 miles away (not random, her family are there) so the courts were transferred. I raised my concerns with Cafcass (court appointed social workers) during their section 7 report.
The report came back not only making Jess out to be supermum, but that I was an alcoholic drug addict (I’m not) with a potentially violent dog (not is he!) and no clue how to look after a bag of potatoes, let alone a child. It recommends I get sent for an psychiatric evaluation, not her, it chastises me for not appearing “happy” when hearing Ava’s doing well ffs! As well as mockingly stating I called her “sociopath”
I don’t know what to do now tbh. I worry for my daughter, but know I can’t fight Jess in the courts. Nor can I work outside the confines of such a system…
Oh, and I shoulda done my research before today, but about a week ago I sent Jess an email, stating she had won. I realise now that was a mistake (and I’m back to physically being sick daily…) and am unsure of the sort of retribution I may face…
They certainly know where to feed. I was married to one for 17 years and just finished a 2 year relationship with another. It’s exhausting. My first experience had me on guard and I saw it in the second even while being drawn in hoping to be wrong. This confusion is crippling at times. Then I think of all the nonsense during the last 20 plus years. Both women accused me of having a disorder as they spun me into their games.
I use to be proud to be a provider and protector of the women I’m with. Now I know it’s something they can smell. Thank goodness that I insisted on a prenuptial with the second woman even though it drove her into a rage. It’s most likely the reason she dropped me. Yet another good reason to have one although my experience in family court with the former wife (14 years of being beat up in court) taught me that lesson.
Some thoughts: NO CONTACT because they are going to use you again and they are showing your messages to others to stir up drama. Get some exercise even if it’s walking. Take vitamins, stay hydrated and avoid bad habits. Don’t bother trying to explain to anyone as they will never comprehend. Make new acquaintances to expand your social circle outside of the contaminated one. Hang in there.
Thank you. Some good advice. You know that you are more at risk of meeting another if you haven’t healed from the damage of the one before. This is what they can sense. What needs healing and fixing. They will offer to be the exact opposite of what you have experienced. To heal. The truth is only you can heal you. When you do, someone like this won’t have any power over you. Or even be interested in marking you for what they need. As you will be gone at the sign of the first red flag.
Also, when acquaintances start acting standoffish it’s a big warning that they are getting ready to burn you. In both cases they told coworkers and family that we had ended it all the while they act as if all is well when you are alone with them. They told everyone that I was violent and stalking them even though they were both violent towards me. The tale is twisted and everyone wants to believe a women out of hand. Then the drama really light up when you call or stop by. You’re completely confused while everyone is treating you as a threat. Teachers, friends, dentists and so on. The police however didn’t seem to be taken in by it.
I was in love with a beautiful, sweet, caring, empathetic, compassionate, charismatic, charming, innocent angel that turned to out never to have been her!
Without getting too bogged down in details, I got sick twice in January this year, and by the beginning of February my girlfriend had left without ever seeing me in person or even having a solid conversation, aside from saying that I had forced her into someone else’s arms. At the time I had just edited and rewritten her resume after she was fired from her job right before Christmas. They took her car and she had no money (except for inheritance not meant to be touched) I let her use my car and she had apparently been using it to explore her next option while still maintaining a veneer of smiles, hugs, and kisses, love, safety, trust family, and the promise of a future.
I havent seen her since but not from lack of trying to convince her to see me or even talk to me. To the point of embarrassment even. The reactions that you describe are likely to be received from from a sociopath if you break the silence and reach out, were so alarmingly dead on that I had chills while I read the words. It would explain so much… I’ve struggled with the confusion following such an abrupt departure, and have not realized until very recently that she never was the person I thought she was.
I dated a person who I’m pretty sure was a sociopath starting at the end of January this year until the beginning of May but then he led me on for two months after our relationship. I remember noticing a lot of red flags on the first date, like he fact that he had moved around a lot and was only 24 (I later found out he lied to me about his age by a year, sociopaths lie about everything, even stupid things!), he described all of his past partners as crazy, was extremely charming, etc. He didn’t really have any friends and I don’t know if anything he told me about himself was true. He asked me to be official with him 2 weeks after our first date and I was doing sex work at the time (this was pre covid) and opened up to him about it and he lost it and told me he had trauma surrounding sex work from a past partner who did it behind his back (which i found out was a lie) and when I told him that maybe we should take thing slow because we had literally just me, he lost it and said I wouldn’t be intentional about staying friends with him and would abandon him like everyone else did. He said he would be able to deal with me doing sex work and really liked me, so we started dating anyways. It was something he never got over, he withheld intimacy from me constantly and when I would comment about it he would say that it was because of his trauma, or his mental health, or that it was because he was feeling mostly asexual and didn’t get any pleasure out of sex (more lies and manipulation). When we were intimate it was super cold, he would only get himself off and I would have to beg him to go down on me or do anything for me. He would lie to me about really stupid things, like he told me on our first date he had put a down payment on a tesla truck but then said he canceled it and then later brought up that he still had the down payment on it. Hanging out with him and communicating with him was emotionally exhausting. He would constantly text me and if I didn’t answer quick enough would get passive aggressive with me. Because of him not being okay with me doing sex work, even though I had to stop a month into our relationship due to covid, we would break up and get back together pretty frequently but he would always ask me to get back together with him, until the last time we broke up. I could tell after we broke up that something was off and that he was probably seeing other people and because we had been hanging out so much and even hooked up after breaking up I wanted to know so that I could cut him out of my life and avoid being led on and getting my feelings hurt further. It was also covid and we never used protection so my life and sexual health were being put in danger. A couple months after we broke up I ended up finding out through social media and then google that he had legally changed his name twice and when I confronted him about it he threatened suicide and told me he had checked himself into a hospital and then later when I met up with him in person for closure told me cops checked up on him at his apartment. A few weeks later I found out through a girl he had been hanging out with and was hanging out with that day that both of these things were lies. They were just ways for him to further manipulate me and feel bad. I also found out through an ex friend of his that was helping him with a business venture he was running on the side that he had invited a girl over the night after we broke up to give him head. My ex partner had bashed this friend to no end and I thought it was really weird and unwarranted and this guy told me that my ex partner gave him really bad vibes and that his customers told him not to work with my ex partner. My ex partner also didn’t pay this person in full for his help. Then I contacted a past partner of my ex I found through instagram and she told me he had gotten called out on a spreadsheet of creatives in one of the cities he lived in for sexual assault, coercion, etc and then I kept uncovering more and more fucked up shit about him from other past partners, etc. I found out he’s a rapist, emotionally and physically abusive, a thief, a pathological liar, among many other things. I found out he was hooking up with multiple people in between us breaking up and getting back together, which for some reason is one of the things that hurts me the most out of all of this that he could just lie to my face and hide things from me like that. He even used a photo of him and I on his tinder profile and when I asked him why he did that he said he just liked how he looked in the photo. He’s so fucking selfish and disgusting. He was also purposely targeting friends of mine to hook up with and one of the people he hooked up with was a mutual friend but I think there are more friends of mine that aren’t telling me the truth. He was always so jealous of me and when I told him I did sex work told me he wasn’t able to make a calculated decision about having unprotected sex with me from the start of us hooking up. I always used protection when I did sex work and found out he never used a condom with anyone he hooked up with so he was a hypocrite on top of everything. He was so emotionally abusive that I felt so confused the whole time we dated. He raped me early on in our relationship too. I ended up compiling a bunch of accounts from people who had interacted with him and called him out on social media but it sucks knowing he’s still out there doing whatever the fuck he wants. He even emailed me a few weeks ago and I stupidly responded and after a while he stopped responding but I can’t stop myself from continuing to email him with proof and questions even though I know it’s unhealthy. I’m in therapy now to deal with my trauma and depression from him and it’s been getting better and better each day but it’s hard not to ruminate on this fucked up person and situation. Any tips for dealing with life post a sociopathic relationship would be much appreciated!
I dated a person who I’m pretty sure was a sociopath or a narcissist starting at the end of January this year until the beginning of May but then he led me on for two months after our relationship. I remember noticing a lot of red flags on the first date, like he fact that he had moved around a lot and was only 24 (he’s actually 25, I later found out he lied to me about his age by a year, sociopaths lie about everything, even stupid things!), he described all of his past partners as crazy, was extremely charming, etc. He asked me to be official with him 2 weeks after our first date and I was doing sex work at the time (this was pre covid) and opened up to him about it and he lost it and told me he had trauma surrounding sex work from a past partner who did it behind his back (which i found out was a lie) and when I told him that maybe we should take thing slow because we had literally just met, he lost it and said I wouldn’t be intentional about staying friends with him and would abandon him like everyone else did. He didn’t really have any friends and I don’t know if anything he told me about himself was true. He said he would be able to deal with me doing sex work and really liked me and already had feelings for me, so we started dating anyways. The sex work was something he never got over. He withheld intimacy from me constantly because of it and when I would comment about it he would say that it was because of his trauma with his past partner, or his mental health, or that it was because he was feeling mostly asexual and didn’t get any pleasure out of sex (more lies). When we were intimate it was super cold, he would only get himself off and I would have to beg him to go down on me or do anything for me. He would lie to me about really stupid things, like he told me on our first date he had put a down payment on a tesla truck but then said he canceled it and then later brought up that he still had the down payment on it. Hanging out with him and communicating with him was emotionally exhausting. He would constantly text me and if I didn’t answer quick enough would get passive aggressive with me. Because of him not being okay with me doing sex work, even though I had to stop doing it a month into our relationship due to covid, we would break up and get back together pretty frequently but he would always ask me to get back together with him, until the last time we broke up. I could tell after we broke up the last time that something was off and that he was probably seeing other people and because we had been hanging out so much and even hooked up after breaking up I wanted to know so that I could cut him out of my life and avoid getting led on and getting my feelings hurt further. It was also covid and we never used protection so my life and sexual health were being put in danger. He always denied he was seeing anyone else and again would lie and say he was feeling mostly asexual or wanted to focus on his career or give me another bullshit lie and constantly gaslit me. A couple months after we broke up I ended up finding out through social media and then google that he had legally changed his name twice and when I confronted him about it he threatened suicide and told me he had checked himself into a hospital and then later when I met up with him in person for closure he changed his story and told me cops checked up on him at his apartment. I found out after through a girl he had been seeing and was hanging out with that day that both of these things were lies. They were just ways for him to further manipulate me and make me feel bad. He also texted my mom and said he was going to call the cops on me because I was supposedly blackmailing him into dating me again. I also found out through a friend that was helping him with a business venture he was running on the side that he had invited a girl over the night after we broke up the last time to give him head. My ex partner had bashed this friend to no end and I thought it was really weird and unwarranted and this guy told me that my ex partner gave him really bad vibes and that his customers told him not to work with my ex partner. My ex partner also didn’t pay this person in full for his help. Then I contacted a past partner of his I found through instagram and she told me he had gotten called out on a spreadsheet of creatives in one of the cities he lived in for sexual assault, coercion, etc and had also been extremely manipulative and coercive with her in their relationship. From there I kept uncovering more and more fucked up shit about him from other past partners, etc. I found out he’s a rapist, a thief, a pathological liar, among many other things. I found out he was hooking up with multiple people in between us breaking up and getting back together, which for some reason is one of the things that hurts me the most out of all of this that he could just lie to my face, withhold intimacy from me and hide things from me like that. He even used a photo of him and I on his tinder profile and when I asked him about why he did that he said he just liked how he looked in the photo. He’s so narcissistic and disgusting. He was also purposely targeting friends of mine and one of the people he hooked up with was a mutual friend but I think there are more friends of mine that aren’t telling me the truth. He was always so jealous of me and when I told him I did sex work told me he wasn’t able to make a calculated decision about having unprotected sex with me from the start of us seeing each other. I always used protection when I did sex work. I found out he never used a condom with anyone he hooked up with. He was so emotionally abusive that I felt so confused the whole time we dated. He raped me early on in our relationship too. I ended up compiling a bunch of accounts from people who had interacted with him and called him out on social media but it sucks knowing he’s still out there doing whatever he wants. I’m in therapy now to deal with my trauma and depression from him and it’s been getting better and better each day but it’s hard not to ruminate on this devastating situation. Any tips for dealing with life post a sociopathic relationship would be much appreciated!
Hi. I know that it is painful for you right now. I want you to know that this is not your fault. I want to say once he Is gone you heal. But that would be a lie. Recovery can take some time. For me it took years. What helped the most was to focus on gratitude. To focus every moment of every day on gratitude. Everything from the bed you sleep in. Water in the tap. Electricity. Food in the shop. Having a car if you have one. This trick works and is the fastest to bring your thinking back to you. It is effective as you start to see your world through your world view lense not your abuser. It works because you are focusing on your life and positive rather than focusing on what he is doing. Remember he is an empty shell if he is happy it is because he is living someone else’s happiness. He is suckjng the life out of someone else. Be grateful he is no longer sucking the life out of you. I promise you will heal and recover. But it takes a lot of work. Of course he worked hard to groom you. Now it is time for you to groom you back. I hope this helps.
Heyoh, sorry this is just a test – I posted a long-ass reply and I just don’t remember if positivagirl moderates comments on here or if I buggered up. 😀 Delete me 😀
Hi Nicholas, yes have just got into my laptop so going through comments now.
ah, so my long reply got lost to the interwebs 😦
I found solace in sites like this, learning that other people had gone through similar situations… and then some people warned me “it’s good to read about sociopaths and try and understand, but you won’t, because your brain works differently – so don’t go reading yourself into a hole”
Guess what I did? 🙂 I read myself into a hole… but, you know, I climbed out eventually because I recognised what was happening. I think even that advice little piece of advice was enough to stop me from going much deeper. So… read yourself into a hole if that’s what you need, just remember there is a time where you have to stop and take steps towards yourself.
It’s been a few years since my narc and I don’t want to make it feel hopeless by saying “yeah healing can take years” but know that’s the same with everything – you carry stuff with you – especially if you don’t learn the lessons. I still give people the benefit of the doubt and allow myself to get emotionally manipulated from time to time – but I am getting better at spotting it, stopping it, and when the need arises, being able to disconnect and walk away.
It’s like the man who rescued the snake from a fire, and every time he tried to grab it and pull it out of the fire it bit him, until he found a stick to save the snake with. An on-looker said “why bother, man? It’s just going to bite you. It did bite you. Several times. Why insist on saving the stupid snake?” and he said “the snake bit me because that’s in its nature – it was just doing what snakes do. I’m a helper, it’s what I do… and I’m not going to let the snake’s nature change my nature.” … Mmmm.
But if I can offer some strong advice about your narc which I hope helps… because yes, it sucks knowing that they’re out there causing damage – but know that they are so proactive in protecting their image that by the time someone like you or I mobilise into ‘exposing them’ and ‘calling them out’, they’ve already infiltrated half of our social circles with their charm and wit, and are already well into painting us as the abusive and crazy partner. Some people will be taken for the ride for a little while, but the truth always prevails, I find… but if you buy into the game and start trying to call them out, you’re falling into a trap that has been pre-set for weeks or months.
The damage the narc can do is not of your concern, you can’t carry that weight – you can’t hold yourself responsible for the safety of others. That’s a testament to who you are as a person that you want to stop the narc from damaging others – it’s the same reason why you put up with him for so long. Chances are he had several people ‘on the go’ when you first dated and you passed all his tests of someone who will put up with his shit. It’s not a bad thing, to be compassionate and empathetic – but you have to recognise when it’s more vice than virtue. In this case, you really can’t worry about the damage the narc is doing to others. That’s their journey. Trying to ‘expose’ the narc or chase them will only do you more damage in the long run – instead just let that hurricane of bullshit buzz off into the distance and focus on your own healing. Again, I can’t stress enough that – it sucks, yes – but what happens to others is their lessons to learn. Even with the best intentions, you sometimes can’t help people, and you have to just trust that in time they will find out for themselves. When you think about it, you probably had people at the start of this relationship telling you this guy is bad news, but you had to learn it for yourself. Same goes for others. The narc is out there, that sucks, but so be it… there are thousands of them – and protecting the world from them is too big of a task and a responsibility to dump on yourself.
Keep going to therapy – it’s so good. Work on yourself (cliche I know, but whatever that means to you, focus on you), Reach out to friends (hopefully you have 1 or 2 that love you enough to hear you repeat the same story over and over while your brain ruminates and tries to process what it has just been through), and also take a break from relationships – right now you are narc-bait, and a perfect candidate for a “knight in shining armour – the one I’ve been waiting for” to swoop in and brain-fuck you to the nth degree, using your trauma as a weapon against you (and from experience that it a shitty, shitty, shitty place to end up).
But… kudos is deserved for recognising what you were dealing with – some people are just like “well that was an arsehole” and move on… my vibe is that you’re an empathetic person but intelligent enough to want to rationalise and understand what the hell just happened (I think that’s a lethal combo when it comes to being narc-bait). The fact you’re aware of what you just went through and the type of person you just dealt with will certainly make things easier, and that’s the first part of healing… and kudos for taking the next steps… reaching out and talking to someone about it.
All the best, you might not see it now, but in the future this is going to shape you into an incredible human being, and one day you’ll look back on yourself, proud as anything and think holy shit… look at me now.
I needed to read this today; reeling from finally seeing clearly the pattern of the signs that I’ve noticed, tracked, and ignored over the last 3 years of marriage. Whilst my guts are upending themselves over the loss of who I thought he was, I can’t help but fear for others in our circle. Thank you for the reminder that all I can, all I should do, is focus on getting myself out ASAP.
Hi all, positiva girl, Cindy, Valerie, phoenix etc.
ive been away from my ex narc since January 2017.
I met a much nicer kind but firm confident man in 2021. Who knows his own mind is very strong in his opinions and decisions etc.
we have a good relationship, friendship and it is so different and better but not as exciting as with the narc but this is much healthier and steadfast and real, compared to the narc.
I’ve come across narcs in my friends circle and they acted like true narcs, hoover, hospitality, love bomb then criticise and discard . One is best friends with my ndis worker now. Go figure? She dies not believe that eventually alvena will likely discard her. But friends take longer to lift the mask. I was friends with alvena for 8 years before she showed any signs of being a narc. When I was with my narc, always was more sympathetic, friendlier with me.
When I met my current healthier long term man, she was friendly at first then gree distant over time and jumped ship onto my worker, friend. I no longer hear from alvena, for 2 years now. She did subtle criticism towards me, but was still hospitable, cooked me dinner etc. This increased when I was broken up with my narc.
A few months after I met my healthy partner, alvena said I wasn’t as smart as I used to be, when my partner and worker were not listening. Go figure? Yet I am wiser and more confident, more discerning than previously.
my ex narc trev, tried to contact me by mutual friends, aquaintences over the past few years. While I wished him well, I will not go back nor meet as friends as I remember what a hold he had on me, trauma bond etc. Plus I am much happier and stronger in myself now. I said through the mutual friend who passed his msg onto me, that I’m very happy and settled in my relationship, but no hard feelings, I wish him happiness, I learnt many lessons about myself and boundaries and self worth, respect, etc from being in relationship for 4 years on and off, with my ex narc. I think he may have posted on here ,he must have found a post I wrote in 2020. They’re very good at finding you after many years.
They usually want you back after you’ve gone no contact and moved on years ago, as mine tried distant contact after 7 years of no virtually no contact. Only a nasty letter from him during covid as he’d heard that I said to a mutual aquaintence that he was angry and controlling behind closed doors. They can’t stand any truths said about their toxic behaviour. Lol.
I hope everyone is going well?
are you still posting on here positiva girl? I hope so. Your posts and anecdotes, advice is inspiring, as indeed everyone’s posts are inspiring and thought provoking and I hope everyone is in a better place by now. I hope you are all healing, from all the hurts that the narcs caused you. I am very grateful 🙏 for my healing. The more months and years go by without the narcs in my life, the better off I am.
best wishes, blessings to all on your journeys to freedom, be good to yourself and i hope you run as far from the narcs as you can. I’ve dodged a few bullets as in crossing paths with narcs as potential friends, aquaintences. Often coverts and 1 very obvious angry, traumatised one.
Dating a Sociopath 
Hi everyone.
Sorry I went MIA. Something got messed up with my email address on here.
Anyway, I’m glad you are doing so well Valerie! That’s how I feel about my narc/sociopath, whatever he is. Even though just a couple of days ago he told me he wanted to make everything better and really sounded very convincing. But I just seem to be over the part where I’m always falling for him or addicted, or even care.
I did meet this new guy on a dating site though and I wanted to tell you girls about it, because even though I’m not looking for anything too serious now, you still never know and I tend to fall for people very quickly, especially when they’re charming.
Has anyone ever dealt with meating someone new and now thinking they might be a sociopath as well? Because the guy I’m seeing seems to be a ladies guy and knows what he’s doing. Charming and making me feel comfortable. And we’ve only been on two dates so far but I really enjoy myself around him. The funny or maybe scary thing is, he has the same last name as my ex and his birthday is one day after my ex’s. Now one might think that’s a bad sign or omen. I don’t know…. but knowing what i know now about how good sociopaths are with people or charming people and how many there actually are I’m almost afraid to end up in the same or similar situation with somebody new…
If you ladies have any thoughts on this I’d love to hear them!
Much love!
Hi KindSpirit! Glad you are back! That is great that you are over yours. See, Cindy? It does happen!
I was worried for a bit that I would fall for the same type. I even went out on a date with a guy who TOLD me he was a sociopath. LOL. I didn’t see him again. Didn’t find him charming. Interesting, yes, but not charming. And I think because I didn’t fall for him immediately I wasn’t good supply.
A few weeks ago I met someone else. We really connected and had a really intense time for a few weeks but we hadn’t met up (we exchanged pictures, texted, phone calls, spent hours ‘with’ each other). We made a date and suddenly he blocked me with no warning. I was super super upset because I really liked him and I was worried. I found his email online and emailed him. He responded and told me that he thought I was out of his league and he knew what he did was ‘dickish’ but he was too chicken to test the waters. I felt shattered. Like I had to apologize for being fabulous ;-). So even though we feel unstable, there are others out there who are more unstable, albeit for different reasons.
One thing I always appreciated about my narc is that he never ever makes me feel defensive or criticizes me about anything. He accepts me completely for who I am. He is totally non judgmental. He does not feel threatened.
I have two more dates this week. Neither seems to be a sociopath. One is very sweet and open. The other a bit of a player already but not over the top.
So be wary but don’t worry that you’ll continue to attract the same types. It might happen for awhile because you are too conditioned, but as you get your bearings it will stop happening. I’d just wait with the guy who has the same last name as your ex (weird). Keep going on dates with him if you are enjoying yourself. Maybe date someone else too, to keep yourself from getting too involved too quickly.
Hey Valerie,
That’s some good advice. Thank you!
And that’s interesting that you weren’t good supply because you didn’t fall for him right away. That might be helpful too in case I do somehow er involved with one again. To just take it easy in thto beginning.
That is strange that he would just block you for that reason. Somebody recently did that to me as well, we had really good conversations but haven’t met in person yet.. and then he just disappeared and even blocked me…
the world is full of weird people haha 😉
And I will try to find some other dateable guys as well. I do get fixated very easily but this time I wanna make sure I’m happy with only myself before I give my everything to someone else. 😉
Thanks for you advice!!
Everyone all right? I’ve come here a few times to confess but never left a comment. He was pretty relentless and I gave in. Then I left him. I realized in a moment of clarity that it would be a train wreck and I didn’t want my life thrown off the rails. So, deep breath. He’s trying to reconcile with the wife who kicked him out years ago for cheating, but he’s cheating with me while trying to reconcile. Hard to get my head around. I think he has narc qualities but mostly straddling the fence for years, scared, bored, too many responsibilities, using people while he sorts himself out. He’s trying (he says) but she’ll never trust him again (I know – she’s been humiliated and he has not changed). Sad. For me it’s easier this time because we’re closer (which is why I checked out – I didn’t want to develop feelings) and ended on a high note. You all might wonder if I feel guilty but in all honesty, while I’ve had a few pangs, I think of him as being single because he lied to me. We hadn’t seen each other for 8 months but it felt like no time had passed. In fact it was better because it was more relaxed since he quit lying to me (once I used his wife’s name he didn’t have much choice; why he didn’t run the other way I don’t know). We’re going on a year of this now. It feels more solid – like I know if I needed him he’d be there. I don’t know if it’s true but it’s what I feel. My friends think I am nuts or lonely or bored but the truth is that I like him even though I know he’s totally wrong for me. Now I have to keep myself from contacting him because I want him back.
Hi Val… I have to laugh because this is some of my own story. His wife had found out he was cheating and said she was done… enters ME, during our relationship he was reconciling with her but lying to me telling me that he was divorcing her. Lol!! I contacted her in 2015 and got the truth. Yes, I want him back too… still love him ( that never seems to go away) sigh 😔. He’s been contacting me lately, saying all the things I want to hear from him, but I know it’s all a lie! Hang in there Val. That to hear from you girl!
Hi Cindy! Thanks for making me laugh ;-). He said they were trying to make it work for the sake of ‘tradition’ and ‘finances.’ It’s all so slimy! Mind-boggling! How did I get involved in something like this??!! He doesn’t even worry that I’ll contact her. Anyway, at least now I know I am not the only person he treats this way. These guys must brain damage us somehow. There’s a topic for positivagirl. How sociopaths brain damage their victims.
I think I need this board to keep me grounded. Otherwise, it is too easy for this all to feel normal when in fact it is ridiculous.
Yes, if we allow it at some point you will just accept it because you love and want them so much!! I’ve never accepted as normal, rather I accepted because it was all I was going to get from him at because I desperately loved and wanted him in my life!! I agree.. it’s crazy but never normal!!
Yep!! And no, you’re not the only one he treats this way… I used to think I was the only one too until speaking with Miss 16 years. It still hurt but I was comforted a little to know it wasn’t just me, but that he lies, deceives and play games with all of us. Yes, if we let them they will do serious mental and emotional damage to us… but we are stronger than that!! We do they have to be so damn charming and loveable?! Well hang in there and don’t get sucked in!
I’m not sure I am stronger than that. It’s easy for someone on the outside (e.g. friends – not people on this board) to ask what I see in him – a friend did that today. But I cannot explain it. Whatever it is, it’s just there. He spent days breaking down my defenses but I guess they weren’t really there to begin with. I thought they were. I think it’s time for a therapist because I really cannot handle this on my own. I need to know what part of ME allows this to happen, and not blame him for all of it.
Yes, I highly recommend a therapist… ask if he/she has experience with narcissists and/or sociopaths. I have a good one, she breaks it down to me so that I understand exactly what’s going on and why I kept going back. Good luck!!
I’m going to make him pay for it.
Lmao!!
Cindy, all good?
I just had a revelation but I don’t know where to find it written about on this board, so I wonder if you have thought about it. I realized that my narc cycles through our relationship creating drama and chaos whenever I present as calm and reasonable. This is usually after he has been stable for awhile – I calm down. He then withdraws. It’s not because he’s uncertain. It’s because he feeds off the drama that withdrawing creates. The flip side of this is that when I am dramatic, he is very, very good at calming me down. That’s because he understands drama. He doesn’t understand its opposite.
Drama (destabilization) = an adrenaline rush for him, which also explains the intensity of the sex – it’s like make up sex after a fight. Always. The whole cycle then starts again. Right now we are at a point where I am calm because he has been present every day for a whole month. I am still happy to spend time with him but as soon as I make a reasonable attempt at sorting out what spending time would look like, he creates chaos and uncertainty. It’s an addiction. He’s a drama queen because he is an adrenaline junkie bored with life.
Anyway, I am in a good place and I hope everything is going well with you!
Hey Val… I’m ok. I’ve finally had enough of that drama! His mask came completely off and what I saw is just disgusting!! I hope you’re good. Yes, when things are calm and good the do something outrageous and or hurtful because they don’t like calm… they are bored. I got tired of being disrespected and treated poorly. Working on me now.
Good for you! I am getting to that point too, not because his mask came off but because somehow I don’t feel that connected anymore. I could take him or leave him.
Yep… that’s where I am now. I can take or leave him but I’d prefer to leave him. At this point he’s only good for sex…. even that isn’t worth the nonsense that comes with it. This fool text me a few days ago with ” we have that connection”. Yeah right… the only connection he has with anyone is whatever he can use them for.
Haha. I like the sound of this. I’ve just started seeing someone else. It’s very early days but it’s the first time I’ve been interested in anyone else, so that’s a good sign. And I feel stable because narc has stopped doing the intermittent reinforcement thing. Ironic – he stops some of the worst narc behavior and I start disengaging. But I cannot end it because every time I do, I go back. I have to wait for him to end it or for it to fade away.
Yep… that’s basically what happened with me. It faded away, I got tired. If he ended it I felt so rejected and would beg him back. They love to be pursued and begged. I’ve finally realized that I’m so much better than to be treated like that!! He’s pathetic and I’m a PRIZE!!!
Yes you are!! I’ve ended it three times but he never has. If I end it, I will second guess myself and go back but if he ends it, I won’t give it a second thought. My weird psychology, I guess. I still think mine is on the spectrum and unable to process much emotional stuff. I’m not angry or anything. Just interested in my own changing reactions to his behavior.
Now I am angry because he’s doing it again. Just when I said that we could end it but we needed to talk about it, he disappears for three days and then doesn’t respond to an email from me. He hasn’t gone one day without contact in a month but just as I began to settle down, he started up again. I am trauma bonded and I think he is having problems with his wife (understandably). But that is not my problem.
Hi Val… how are you? I’m sorry that I’m just replying… a lot going on in my life,some good some not so good. I’m doing well and not communicating with the sociopath. How are things with your guy? You have to know by now that he will always do what he did… that’s apart of who he is. I swear to you that I still love that man but I just got tired!! Life is too short to deal with their bs!!! I’ve been keeping busy working, traveling, journaling and hanging out with friends. It’s helping although I think of him daily still. I’ll be so happy when I can go days without thinking about him.
Hi Cindy! Glad you are mostly doing well. At least I hope you are! Hopefully your memories/attachment will continue to fade. I suspect I will get tired too but I wish it would happen already, just as you wish you could not think about him. Mine has modified his behavior a lot but it’s like he has no intuition at all. If I ask him to do something, he will try to comply, but he doesn’t anticipate. We had a long face to face talk a few days ago. We haven’t talked like that since me met. He knows he’s weird and different. He cannot explain himself, except that time works differently for him. It’s past, he says. He only thinks about what’s coming up. He is oblivious. I made an appt with my therapist for today to figure out why I cannot ditch him 😉
Ugh I feel terrible now. We just ended it by mutual agreement and the sociopath went off to ‘try’ with his wife because he had a ‘good time’ with her for a few weeks. I am fine with it. I think he is doing the right thing.
BUT I alternate between anger at him for getting me into this and anger at myself for allowing it to happen. I feel SO guilty about his wife, even though he does not. As far as he is concerned, if it is over, it never happened. He does not get that lying by omission is just as bad as an outright lie – he thinks if he doesn’t say anything, it didn’t happen. Now I am left holding the bag and struggling with whether or not to tell her. Part of me thinks he wants her to know, which is why he drew me back in even after I knew he was married and trying to reconcile. Part of me thinks that he is petrified that I will tell.
But the bottom line is that I think his wife has a right to know. I just cannot bring myself to tell her because it feels too violent – like I would be dropping a ton of bricks on her head and that I am that ton of bricks. I have no right to do that but then I do not have the right to withhold information that affects her either. I tried to get him to see that he was doing the same thing to his wife that he did to me (lying), but he refused to see the parallels.
I am fine except for this huge thing weighing on me now. I cannot get any help for it. My therapist says to tell her but actually doing that is another story. I cannot bring myself to do it. I do not know where to turn so I am hoping that someone on this board will help!!
Hey Val… trust me when I tell you this: you’re not the first and his wife has knowledge of his prior affairs. They are notorious cheaters AND they are kind of sloppy. I told my ex spath’a wife… it was a different situation though because they were separated ( she lived in another country and because he cheated). If you want to tell her tell her but I would tell you to just walk away and never look back. I went back a few times just for sex. I did something that I’m proud of this week… I told him no! As a result he’s giving me the silent treatment. So sad. I’m ready to walk away now. He’s a waste of time ( minus amazing sex). Do whatever your heart tells you.
Hi Cindy! Thanks for responding and it’s good to hear from you. I am happy you were able to say no! It gives me hope because I’m also anxious that he will resurface. I hope I’ll also be able to say no. At least this time I know it’s impossible to innocently reach out. And I am more convinced than ever that he is a narc.
Yes his wife knows about at least one prior because she kicked him out. I never got the details and so do not know if there has been more than one; he only grudgingly admitted to one previous. But she thinks they’ve been reconciling this whole year. I don’t think she knows he’s a serial cheater because if she did it is unlikely that she’d have wanted to try to reconcile. That pains me.
Morally I feel that everyone has the right to transparency so they can make their own decisions but it took me awhile to see the parallels between my situation with him and hers. I think I thought I was special and then I realized that lying is his way of being in the world. It is not because he needed ME. It is because that is how he is with everyone. That was a big revelation for me.
I know it’s not my problem exactly – not my circus, not my monkeys – but I’ve been wrestling with this for a week. My concern is really doing the right thing so that she has the information she needs to decide whether her marriage is worth trying to save.
I guess there is no answer as to what the right thing is. I can’t exactly contact her and claim to be innocent because the second time around I wasn’t. Maybe that is my burden to bear…
I woke up this morning convinced that he has told his wife about me but he has lied and said we were only involved last year when they were separated, and that I am deluded. He’s done this in case I get in touch with her. I guess the best thing for me to do is nothing but I am just shocked that I am beginning to think the way he does. If I were to tell her, he’s made it so that she will not believe me. I don’t have much evidence – thousands of emails but all from a fake email (though she’d know it was him), details about their lives that I could only know if he had told me, a screen shot of him on a dating site, a few naughty pictures of body parts. That’s about it! I don’t have DNA evidence or anything :-). I don’t have pictures of the two of us together.
The thing is sweetheart – there’s no point. Even if it was worth the effort, for every lie you clarify , theres another lie that kicks you in the gut. They lie!!!! That’s how they got us in! They lied. They mirrored. They were literally your perfect man because they were the reflection of what you wanted.
But they lie.
They then lie to others to get themselves out of strife. They don’t care who goes under the bus.
I’m 2 years out of a 5 year affair. The first 18 mths were so wonderful I spent the next 3.5 yrs thinking I must be going nuts that all these things were not making sense. Forgiving or overlooking the most despicable lies!
Eventually he cheated on me ( was for a long time) and left me for her. They are having a surprise baby soon. Hes 48 she’s 43!! It still hurts and I miss my perfect bf of all those years ago
But back to you. His wife knows he lies! She’ll know he’s lying about you.
Walk away, head up, let that crazy bus drive off. You are worth so much more!!
Stay here and talk often – trust me it helps!!
G
Yes, they lie about the lies. Good point! Thanks!
They lie about EVERYTHING!!!
Hey Cindy how are you doing?
Hi Pos…. not good, but I’m determined. I recently went back to no contact but a couple days ago he emailed me. I didn’t want to open the email so I didn’t. I went to actually delete it but I saw the first sentence and it seemed harmless… he was basically saying he was going to leave me alone but the rest said ” for now… he would contact me soon… thanks for caring about him”. I was livid!!! WTH!! If that wasn’t bad enough I have reason to believe that he’s back with his ex-wife!! So he’s emailing me to tell me that he’s backing off for now ( because most likely he’s back with her) but basically saying to me I still hope that you’re around later when I want to see you!! I was livid!!! I cried myself to sleep with angry tears. How dare he!!! Today I have taken some drastic step to hopefully ensure that I will NEVER have any contact with him!!! I want my life back!! I want to feel good about myself again!! I want peace within! I’m so tired of inner turmoil because of this POS!!!
I am sorry to hear you are still going round the circle Cindy, how long has this been now? You know he can play this game with you forever, right? If you allow him. But it will mean that you will also deny yourself a loving and fulfilling relationship too. You are accepting scraps and settling, when you could have so much more.
Positivagirl…. I took great strides today to end this once and for all. He was already blocked from calling and texting now from email. I know his mother doesn’t approve of me or him seeing me , so I messaged her asking to talk to him and ask him to leave me alone. I am trying…. you of all people know it’s not that easy. I will admit I was weak for him… I could not be strong enough to resist him when he pursued me. Clearly I’m getting stronger now. I think I’ve put a lot things in place to hopefully ensure that he can’t get to me. If he can’t go through the regular channels: call/text/email he won’t go out of his way to contact me. Now is time for healing and rebuilding me.
I know how difficult it is Cindyt it isn’t normal to want to end a relationship with somebody that you love. I am going to be around from now on. I will be posting regularly too. This is a cat and mouse game. You know he lies to his mother and blames it all on you, says that you are the crazy one etc etc. The truth is that the longer you hang around him he can send you crazy. I know that I did almost lose my mind. I thought I was gone for good. I could barely string a sentence together.
This is why this site is so great!! Only people who have gone thru this understand. I frequently feel like I’m going crazy…. I feel like just dying just so I don’t feel this pain, confusion, worthlessnes. I fought back tears most of the day at work ( wasn’t a good day) but I was determined to end this torment and disrespect for me. I don’t care what he tells his mother about me…. I’m actually using her as an ally. I know he’s lied to her about not seeing me since November 2015, I sent her screenshots of him texting and emailing me asking to see me ( so he can’t lie). I’m happy that you will be around. I just learned today that I’m a victim of trauma bounding…. Jesus!!! What else can these people do to us?!!
I had trauma bonding and stockholm syndrome too. It took a really long time to break away. Breaking away physically was one thing. Breaking away psychologically, was quite another.
😢😥. I’m so tired of trying… life shouldn’t be this hard. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same, happy, or whole again. I feel so broken inside. I don’t really know what to do to stop the inner turmoil. I feel crazy most days… I present this pretty picture on the outside but inside is so much turmoil!
Is there anyway that you could get access to a therapist Cindy?
I’ve been in therapy for over a year now. I left her a message asking to come in this week. I’m sure she will reply tomorrow. She works everyday so I’m sure I’ll get in this week.
I found trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome too when I was poking around on the internet trying to figure out why I could not let go. I even told him I was trauma bonded to him but since he doesn’t get emotions, it went right over his head.
Anyway, I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much Cindy, and I cannot believe that email! How twisted! Who thinks like that? (I know who does.) And you are right postivagirl that it’s difficult to leave someone you love. It doesn’t make sense to us normal people. Goes against all of our instincts.
I am now in a different country from mine. At least I think I am. He travels a lot and really could be anywhere. Here’s something amusing: this time last year I was where I am now – even in the same neighborhood. I thought I was 3000 miles away from him. But guess what? I was out with a friend one night for a late dinner and who pops up where I am? Yep. That’s when the worst of it started.
I have to laugh, though more out of despair than anything else.
Five weeks no contact! But done it before for close to 10, so until I get to 10 weeks and beyond, I won’t feel that I’ve accomplished anything.
I’m seriously considering finding another job… the agency is where we met, started seeing each other. It has too many memories. When I’m ok and happy it’s ok, doesn’t bother me… some days it affects me so much to be there… some days I fight back tears especially if I have to go to the floor/department that he used to work in. I think I would heal quicker if I didn’t have that daily reminder.
Cindy, I think about this issue too – reclaiming one’s space. Would you really escape him if you left your job? I would have to move out of my flat to escape the memories of mine. I think it is almost impossible with all of the electronic communications and social media, as well as physical space, to completely escape. Also, if you like your job maybe you should keep it because otherwise you will be letting him take that away from you too.
That said, I am feeling better now that I (think) I am 3000 miles away from him. But I will still have to go back, I will still have to live in the same place, and I will still be at the mercy of online communications. In the end it has to be more of a mental exercise than anything else. Reclaiming psychic as well as physical space.
Yes, I think getting another job will help me to move on…. yes, I will still think of him anywhere that I am BUT the job is where we met, visit each other’s offices, went to lunch daily. Some days it’s too much sadness to be there. Yes, we spent time at my apartment but that not where we met. Where I work has a beautiful rooftop deck…. we used to meet up there to talk out our problems or to have lunch. I can’t even go up there anymore. The problem with being at the job is that’s where we were the happiest together so it hurts when some of those memories come back. Yes I like where I work and I’ve given it a year. I think a new beginning won’t hurt.
Hi Cindy
I changed my job not long after ex socio left me. We used to have daily coffee, and I could see him drive into the car park when he arrived (every day), lots of phone calls, every Cafe was a place we went to , it was just too hard. Also I had stayed in a job that allowed me that flexibility and was not too hard for him to come to. So I changed – same company different area, very busy, totally consuming and no familiar haunts. Its helped a lot.
Having said thst though I have since forced myself to go to every single place I used yo go with him – either on my own or with a gf. Essential to face your demons and see those places as no longer a place you shared some special moments but in reality a place where I was fooled by more lies and fakeness
Gx
Gabrielle… I’m at work now and I just had to go on the floor and department that he worked in. It all reminded me of him… I pictured him at his desk, the halls,etc. It wasn’t too bad today because I’m feeling better but I think I would move past all the pain he’s inflicted on me.
Totally your call but if it’s a career move you were contemplating at some stage (as I was) doing it sooner rather than later isn’t a bad thing. I’m also in govt
Sounds like a good idea, then. I hope you can find something you like just as much.
I work for the US government… I can transfer to another agency.
I’ve said this before… he’s not your typical sociopath, not with me he isn’t. Now that he’s blocked from calling/texting or emailing me I doubt that he will go to any other lengths to get in touch with me. I’m not that important to him and he has other supply. All this time I made sure that he had access to me but now I’m ready to close this chapter so I’ve taken the steps. It hurts but allowing him to keep treating me like trash hurts way more!!
Cindy
My ex Monstrr was similar. He actually blocked me and after nearly 5 years of seeing eachother every day, 20+ texts a day, declarations of love, weekends away, promises of a future…. He just ended it out if the blue, and then blocked me. He’ll respond politely if I contact him ( every few months because I’m weak) but it’s a brief polite exchange and then nothing
Gabrielle…. I know it hurts but try your best to move on. Mine will block me if we get into an argument or something like that. It never last long… in the past year it get less frequent ( the duration in which I’m blocked). It got to the point when I didn’t worry about it because I knew it would last a few days to a couple weeks. He will then email me when he wants to see me… if I reply or don’t he will unblock me then text me. Because HE wanted to see me. You may still hear from you ex but if I were you I would take this time to work on you. Good luck with everything.
Thanks
It’s ok he has moved on (new gf and s surprise (he’s 46 she’s 43) baby on the way). I’ve been blocked on phone for 18mths but he responds to email.
Hes toxic and lies to all he’s a genuine sociopath. I’m better with him out of my life.
You sure are!!
I think I may have had a lucky escape, which I at first deemed unlucky and blamed myself. I can’t 100 percent say if he was a sociopath but I think he could have been..
So we met online. One night before meeting we spoke for 2 hrs, he seemed so inquisitive and keen, wanted to know everything about me.. which I was flattered by.
A few key phrases he used before we had even met:
“It’s like you’re my doppelgänger”
“What’s the catch, how are you single”
“I best get a move on and meet you before you’re stolen off me by someone else”
“I’ve never spoken to someone for so long”
Amidst others..
Finally we met and he was the most charming/confident/energetic person I’ve ever come across.. highly intellectual and centred the conversation around these topics. We went for 2 venues he paid in the first place but said his card had broken in second where I paid. I was quickly seduced and ended up back at his place on the first date (which I never do)…
Continually contacting me afterwards except periods were he would disappear for a number of days, to extent messages wouldn’t go through and then resurface. Continuing to shower the compliments and ask everything about me. Even would send me videos of just him talking..
On a further date things take a slightly darker turn, he asks if it can be in my area, I agree and we meet. Interestingly before all dates he told me that his phone had “ran out of charge” and sometimes this would be for days (leading me to think he has 2 phones)..
He continued to be overall amazingly charming. When I reflect about it he spoke allot but never said many personal details about himself mainly surface comments, about intellectual matters/policy/business topics/quotes. He was always re-directing to me for my opinion/pausing.. with this fixed gaze and smirk throughout.
During the date in contrast to the last date, he made a few derogatory comments about members of society which I challenged him on I.e. About gypsies, mental health and being generally ruthless in business.
During conversation I can best describe it as he wanted me to be intelligent, but he also wanted me to slip up.. he’d put me on the spot asking me to reference laws during debates (which I was able to do) it almost felt like I was having a test.
He’d make some comments which were so inhumane when I reflect but at the time he almost made it out as if he was joking, I.e saying he will do “anything” to get a business deal and that he knows how to “work people to get what he wants” said his mantra was “find a solution or fuck off”. All with a smile may I add and would switch to a jovial tone. He continued to lather the charm on me amidst this. At one point I said something he didn’t agree with and he slightly raised his voice at me and said “don’t say that!”. I’m usually a strong person and he almost made me feel a need to correct myself.
He also during the date asked if I could analyse him and if I knew what he was thinking, I said that I couldn’t in such a busy place. He stared at me during this, very fixed eye contact and smirk. I made a joke saying he’s very confident and he laughed but would not reveal what he was thinking when I then asked. Changing the topic. Body language was super open, not one twitch or arm crossing, no signs of any discomfort or nervousness..
Anyhow it all cultivates in this scene, he asked me to go outside for a cigarette with him which I did, he then says to me (it’s 11pm at this point) “let’s go and get some food” I say “it’s a residential area I don’t think anywhere will be open” he pushes the matter and asked if I was “hungry”. I said I’m not that hungry as I’d eaten earlier, he quizzes me “what was it?” “What time?” Which I answer. In the end after this (upon reflection due to the pressure) I said okay “I’ll just pop to the bathroom and think where to go”. I get back and without warning he had gone!
Best way I can describe it is he didn’t walk out on me on a “nah I don’t like you this is awkward basis”. He walked out on “I’m not getting my way, so screw you basis” he even purposely left the rest of the bill and got the waitress to deliver it to me..
it all felt so humiliating and left me thinking what have I done to deserve this.. he’d had multiple opportunities to say let’s the get the bill and go..
I know I only knew him for around a month, but in a strange way I’ve felt more affected by this than the end of a longer term relationship. I sent a message afterwards asking for an explanation about his behaviour and received no response. The whole scenario made me question what I did that was so offensive, to cause the walk out after how keen he had been all night… but upon reflection I cannot think of anything that warranted it.
I have now concluded I may have had a lucky escape.
I just recently discovered the truth about my husband (soon to be ex). He was lying to me for years. We got married three years ago. We’re both LDS and got married in the temple. Now that I look back, I realize how much he lied to me. He was so manipulative. During the course of our marriage, he could never ever find a job. The only time that he worked was when I got him a job at my place of work. He was always looking and could never find one. I actually felt sorry for him. I thought that maybe he couldn’t find a job because he was Brazilian. I am American, but I met him in Brazil and he came to the U.S. on a fiance visa. Now, I realize that he just used me to get here. He was so lazy, he played video games all day. He never slept and went to bed at like 8AM. He told me that he just had issues with sleep and had been that way his whole life. I just found out a month ago that he was lying to me about being in college. He lied to me for over a year. He would leave the house and pretend to go to school. He even spoke about his teachers, his tests, and told me he was getting Straight A’s in software engineering. I thought that he was so smart. When I questioned him about never doing any homework, he got so upset with me and told me that he did it at night when I was sleeping. He worked well at night supposedly. One time, I saw an email on his computer from a teacher saying they were dropping him because he had not done any work in the class. I confronted him and he got SO mad at me for not trusting him. He acted so concerned that his teacher was mistaken and told me he would go straighten it out with his teacher. He then told me I needed to work on my trust issues and should go to therapy. I literally just CANNOT get over all of the lies he told me. It was three years of marriage and three years of dating before that. All of it was lies. Not to even mention all of the verbal abuse, slamming doors, ignoring me, lack of empathy etc.
It is hard to get over what wasn’t real. As you were in love with a lie. I recall that I felt it was easier to believe the lie, than to believe that I was duped and conned. You were not stupid. As they really are masters at their game. Mine would go to fake jobs, he did not know people in my city, so would leave the house at 6am to go to his fake job. In reality he was sitting in the local library. He really did enjoy the ‘game’ and the fact that he really did not feel conscience to experience guilt, remorse or shame. Makes you wonder what he was doing all night until 8am? (probably online?)
After reading a couple of pages on the site, obviously trying to work out some things, the pain never fully dies, i find the gender role quite disturbing, as it is always a “he”. Another part of the information in how to deal with somebody that has a hidden agenda and lack of remorse is given to mirror the person, well i did that and in the end after 17 years of relationship, three children, i became the raving lunatic or as is put in some pages, narcissistic raging. With this in mind, i would suggest that emulating something that one despises, only creates monsters with which the deceiver can use to their advantage. I lost my three children as i became destitute due to psychological trauma, the social welfare putting the final nail in the coffin. I am of an age that has little hope of returning back to the so called dream in life. Once awakened, one can not forget and the scenario of my children living with their mother that objectifies everything which enhances her bank account and parasitic lifestyle only serves as a message to all that read this. Sociopaths are quite the norm nowadays as money becomes the glue in life. The government allows sociopathic mentality, as it fits very well into the business model of economics and the state skimming off taxes from people is just another form of this despicable behaviour. I thank the heavens for providing me with meditation and the freeing up of the attachment but know my children miss me and they are hurt by my no contact, which was not always so. i have tried previously, to rectify the problem, but it takes two to tango, and when one is without empathy and very intelligent, the odds are stacked against the empath. Thanks for the site, it is a piece of sanity in a very messed up world. Cain still kills Able and there is no end. Good luck to all and remember love is always within the heart.
No it isn’t ‘always he’ only posts from 2013 are he. it is 2017 now, 4 years later, all post have been written gender neutral after the first year when the blog became popular and was read by people other than the sociopath who was a man.
I am really sorry that you lost your children. It is the worst thing for any parent. Heartbreaking 😦 How old are your children?
Hi I wanted to share my story with a sociopath and deceptive narcissist I met 2 years ago and just recently cut off for good. This story is a bit long so bear with me, if you don’t mind. His name is Silas Kamara but when we first met he lied and told me his name was “Kamara Obegenwae”-he lied and said his last name was his first name and he completely fabricated a last name. I would later find out why he did this. I first met him When I was on my way from college class I had stopped to the store and picked up a few items. On my way to the bus stop I passed a guy who I initially thought was Jamaican because he had a really beautiful, tropical sounding accent . I walked to the bus stop and waited here for a few minutes and soon after the ” jamaican” guy came up behind me and asked me what time the bus was coming. I wasn’t really in a talkative mood so I told him I wasn’t sure and left it at that. However the guy started flirting with me, told me how beautiful I looked and asked me where I was on my way to. He and I began to talk more and I found out he was actually from Sierra Leone and we talked about astrology and traveling. I told him my birthday was January 3rd and that I’m a Capricorn and I found out he was a Virgo (Virgo men are my personal favorites and his birthday was September 5th). I already felt chemistry with him and after our bus came we talked and laughed on it like it was just the two of us and he asked could he walk me home. I said yes and I jokingly said he probably just wanted to find out where I live. He playfully said yes he did but little did I know it was actually serious. He walked me to my house we exchanged numbers and he called me when he got home and mentioned that he would be out of town for a couple weeks but as soon as he got back he wanted to take me out on a date. I said okay and we talked more over the next couple days. However on the second day of knowing him he called me that morning and told me that he was ” in love with me “. I laughed and told him he was a charmer but no one falls in love that fast. He restated that he was in love with me and complete seriousness and he told me that the reason why he felt the need to tell me was because he is a “romantic/sentimental type” and he felt he had known me forever. Obviously I didn’t take him seriously but odd behavior what set the tone for the remainder of our relationship. When he got back from his trip we met at the park by my house and talked for 2 hours when he asked can I come back to his house later (he lived in the same neighborhood as me) and he could cook dinner for me. I said okay and later on he returned and we walked to his house. I’m a dominatrix when it comes to kink and role-play so I asked him could I tie him up and he enthusiastically allowed me to do it to him. I pleasured him but I told him earlier that day that I wasn’t comfortable having sex with him just yet. However while he was still tied to the bed he had been so aroused that he said ” how are you going to do this to me?” meaning he felt that I had gotten him so turned on that I somehow owed him sex. I told him no because he also did not have a condom and even if I were going to change my mind I would not want to have sex without a condom because I do not want to get pregnant. I untied him and we made out for a bit and he started to give me a massage but then got on top of me and asked me “why I didn’t why trust him”. I told him it was nothing personal but that I just didn’t feel comfortable without a condom. However he persisted and begged me to let him have sex with me for “just 5 minutes” and he promised he would pull out. However 5 minutes became 20 minutes and he wound up nearly ejaculating inside of me. I was so scared and upset that I told him to take me home right then and there. I realized that what happened to me was not rape but I still felt like I had been coerced and pressured to having sex when I had no intention to do so. However I didn’t feel like I could confide in anyone and for the next two weeks I was so scared of getting pregnant so my period was delayed. Meanwhile Silas found a way to play the victim and ask why I stormed out when he wanted me to spend the night (we had never agreed to that) and he told me I owed him an apology. I told him I was scared so I didn’t owe him anything and he didn’t know how to take no for an answer. Eventually I forgave him but every time we met up he would try to find a way to try to coerce me into having unprotected sex (I never agreed to it again) and afterwards he would accuse me of “acting up” just because I wanted to be responsible with my body. I grew sick of his rude attitude and we stopped talking for a couple months however in January of 2016 we begin talking again and he would arrange to meet his house where we would have sex and he will cook for me afterwards. However I begin to notice this was a consistent pattern And he never would actually take me on dates. When I confronted her about this I asked him was he just using me for sex and if yes just to be honest about it (I have no problem having casual sex but he kept saying how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and felt that if he just wanted sex he should stop saying things like that and be honest.) however he told me the only reason why he hadn’t taken me out was because he had a low income job and had no time for money to take me anywhere special, or so he said. My intuition told me something wasn’t right and after doing some Google searches I found out that not only had he lied about not having a Facebook account, he lied about his name, and he was a novice pastor in his African congregation and ironically often gave sermons on abstinance and chasity (i’m not religious but I thought the hypocrisy was absurd). I also discovered that he frequently went on expensive outings and trips he paid for with various friends (even though he told me he never had money to go anywhere at the time). He lived a complete double life. About a month later Silas called me early in the morning because he ask could I come to his house that day and he said he had something he wanted to talk to me about and it was important. I told him that he could just tell me on the phone, however he said it was “big” and he needed to talk to me as soon as possible. I went to his house later that morning and he had made me a fruit platter and he asked me to come close to him so he could hold me and tell me what he wanted to talk to me about. I was nervous but I figured he was probably going to tell me that he was moving or something. He began by telling me that he’s been struggling with his job and his citizenship and he’s worried about losing his work permit legally and the only way to keep it is if he gets married. I felt a knot form in my stomach and then he proceeded to ask me if I could marry him so that he could legally keep his working visa. I was appalled and angry then I begin to cry and I told him that I felt used, and that what he wanted to do was illegal and that probably didn’t even realized how used and taken advantage of I felt. He quickly began to apologize and told me that he wanted to marry me anyway but he was waiting for the right time to ask in this situation was just the most convenient for him. He began to try to control me and coddle me and because of my vulnerable state we were intimate later (he knew how to push my buttons). However I told him no and I went home angry as I usually did with him. When I got home I began to ask myself why I put up with him when he always makes me so upset. One day a few weeks later while we were walking to his house a family friend who lived nearby had seen us and she called my dad and told him she was worried about me because the guy she saw me with (Silas) was, in her own words, a ” sexual predator and bad news”. She said she knew exactly who he was because he had propositioned her in the past and she also told me later on that she found out that he was under investigation for sexual assault on a woman close to my age and the best thing I could do is stay away from him for my own good. At first I thought it was a case of mistaken identity because Silas has shown me his background report from a work application when I confronted him on what my neighbor had told me about him, but then I thought that to how he had course pressure me into having sex with him the day we met and how he got on top of me and persisted that we do it and I began to have suspicions and worries. However we still maintained contact and he would always persist in asking me to marry him however towards the end of the year (December 2016) he told me that if I didn’t marry him he would find someone else to do it so he could keep his Visa. I told him that I had no intention on marrying him and I only believed in marrying for love. He insisted he loved me but I knew he was being deceptive and manipulative. In February of this year (2017) right before Valentine’s Day he had bought me a ring and formally proposed me with it. Admittedly I was flattered but I still refused his offer and reminded him that what he wanted to do was illegal. After that I didn’t hear from him for an entire month but one night I got a call from him and he was in a car talking and laughing with other people and he said he would call me again when he got home. Later on he revealed to me that he followed through with his plan to marry someone for his Visa and he paid a woman he had ust met the previous week to help him with his marriage scam. I can’t say I was surprised but then he asked could we still meet and have sex and that he still loved me and it was purely a marriage of convenience and that he was planning to divorce her after 10 months. Needless to say I was disgusted and I met up with him just so I could tell him off. He also told me that the woman he “married” already had a boyfriend which turned out to be another lie. She had a son and she looked old enough to be Silas’ mother. He would post pictures and social media the two of them on outings and dates (remember he had still been telling me that he did not have the money to take me out anywhere.) I felt awful because I realized I had merely been used for sex the entire time and while he tried to use me for marriage fraud and he successfully used his new “wife” for his schemes he still would take her to all the places he never took me (the only time we ever spent together was in his bed) and it made me feel awful. I felt like an unpaid prostitute for him all along, and what angered me is that if he only wanted casual sex he could have just been honest with me instead of feeding me lies and decieving me about so many things. He also kept changing his story because at first he said he and the woman were not romantically or sexually involved but then he said they were temporarily have been he changed his story again and said that they weren’t. I no longer believed a word he said. The last time I ever saw him was in July about a month ago he had come to my house crying in his car and apologizing because the woman he “married” would not sign over her assets to him and he was worried about losing his job because she wouldn’t sign all of the property papers. He had the audacity to ask me to sign a lease note one his apartment so he wouldn’t lose the room he rented out. Thoroughly disgusted, I told him I didn’t ever want to see him again and not to ever call me again. I found out that he and the woman are somehow on good terms, he still takes her everywhere and looks after her son, and I believe they now live together in a different County (possibly because his scam began to unravel and he was desperate for it to look legitimate or so he told me). I’m angry and hurt because I feel like I was used yet I gain nothing from it and all the things he should have done for me he does now for the other woman he scammed. I wish he would have never tried to get me emotionally involved because it could have saved me the heartache. If he would have just been about only wanting sex I would have happened to him but instead he played on my emotions and never once apologized for what he put me through. I feel its unfair because it seems like he gets to move on and be happy and do fun things and go on the all outings that he claimed he had no money for and he never paid for his deceit and lies and the marriage scam. He goes to his church and preaches to his congregation yet he has skeletons in his closet. He’s judgmental (he would often judge me for how I dress and say I’m inappropriate and “dress like a whore” right after having sex with me ironically). He would constantly make promises he never kept and pretends he’s so perfect and everyone falls for it. I’m just angry and trying to get over everything I went through with him. It’s hard each day I’m stronger and and make an effort move on.
Hi lioness,
I feel ur sadness and frustration. I just wanted to share something with u for better or for worse. I had a pattern that repeated itself many times over when it came to my choice of woman (I’m a heterosexual male). I kept getting involved with “damsels in distress that somehow became these female killer sharks once they had me worn down and reeled in. I wasn’t ready to move in with last one, so she insisted on “squating at my apartment,” knowing that I as a teacher knowing she had two teenage boys at home, would do what I had to do to get her back home: this included me starting to spend more nights there.
Once there the “if u don’t want to move in I’ll just see other people”
Hints started coming. To make a long story short, unmoved in and she took me complete hostage.
The moral of the story is this: even though she was a manipulative pain In The ass who harangued and coerced me into doing things (including buying her a car), she never held a gun to my head. The only thing I ever needed to do was admit to myself that I would miss the sex badly but would have to get used to life again without her pretty face in it. Thing was, like most hostage situations, the longer u remain captive, the more difficult it is to leave. The answer to that is don’t give these pariahs an inch once they give u that initial knot in ur gut. Cut them off immediately. Attractive or not, get the freak away from them. They will impair u once your hostage. They will confuse u with their lies and I. The end try to convince u it is u that is the bad acted.
So for me, to avoid doing further damage to myself, I had to change my pattern of letting women chose me. I now take the responsibility of chiding them
The thing is with a sociopath, that there are no signs that anything is wrong. On the surface everything appears to be normal. Or more than normal, it can appear to be perfect, heaven, soul mate connection. You would have no idea of the reality as it is done behind the scenes.
Normalcy: “white knight baiting”
“My ex husband is dangerous. men r stalking me. E and my two sons r scared to be in the house alone.” So I start to do sleep overs. her ex let’s himself in at 10pm at night. I’m good with people, but am physically imposing, so I can pull off diplomacy vs. confrontation pretty well. I greet him in the kitchen and ask him if it’s a good idea to be in the house knowing his wife and kids are scared of him. She chastises me for being rude to the father of her kids right infront of them. When I confront her would be stalkers, I find her having coffee with them in a diner the next day in a diner. When I meet the group they all look at me like the weirdo. I find out later she told them I was “controlling.” So, though having an sbusive ex and male stalkers could be a little quesionable, it isn’t necessarily when it comes to a beautiful woman. Those problems could be almost looked at as expected or “normal.” It’s also for a guy who is the lover to take on a protective role (especially when asked) . The part that is confusing is the way she would exploit those “normal” paradigms as a way to cause cognative dissonance in me. I could never be right, and would eventually become ostracized from the crowd we both knew because of her pathology and social humiliations. Once she had me hooked on the idea that I was a good lover,she began the process of dismantling my confidence in bed. Saying stuff like “black guys know how to dominate. It’s too bad u don’t,” I was emotionally destroyed by this sick tramp. Oh yeah, after moving out of my perfectly nice apartment into her home,I discovered it was in forclosure.
BUT, all this pain could’ve been avoided if I had just had enough stamina to pull away from her when she lured me in through sympathy in the beginning when she squared in my apartment because “she was scared to go home.” It never dawned on me (cuz I was getting layed every night..sorry but true) that the fact that she was ruthlessly leaving her sons in an unsafe environment while she slept peacefully at my apartment. And there might be a chance that she was just making it all up to get me to move in with her do she could control and dismantle me emotionally.
I guess if you had moved in, she would have planned for you to pay for her, and then you would have seen the sociopathic side? I know that a lot of victims of female sociopaths say how they use sex to lure their victims.
yeah I haven’t spoken to him since I cut him off over a month ago and of course on fb hes carrying on like nothing happened. Its like he has no conscience.
Hi Val… yes I’m struggling. It’s not so much that I love him, it’s the treatment. I just will never understand how people treat anyone like that… especially the ones who love them and treat them well. I know why the do it, it just hurts.
I don’t understand it either :-(. They are like androids in those science fiction films. They look like humans, talk like humans, but they are not humans!!
Hi everyone, I hope you are all good. I am reaching out because I am suddenly struggling with no contact!! It’s been two months and the only thing I’ve experienced is some online stalking. We are in different countries now and maybe because I think I have a handle on things and the anger has waned and there is never any closure I feel like reaching out. But I am determined NOT to do it this time because it was just as big a mess last time as it was the time before and the time before that. Maybe now I have learned my lesson. But why do I suddenly have this urge??
I just wanted to add that on the upside, my tolerance for assholes is very low these days. Somehow, though, I keep running into them. One guy has been taking me out on and off for two years – we’ve sort of danced around the idea of a relationship but have been friends. A few weeks ago he took me out, called it a ‘date’ and then ignored me for half the night. He seems to need a harem of admirers (another narcissist?) and I called him on it. Got fed up with his behavior, which is too bad because I would have liked to be friends but he can’t seem to get his head around that. I’ve never had problems like this before. I always met people I liked and had good relationships with. That part of my life seems to have ended. Am I attracting assholes now because of one sociopath?
Hi Valerie,
I’ve just read your comment, and what you say resonated strongly with me.
Firstly, you ask if you are attracting the same sort of man because of your attraction to a sociopath. In my opinion, the answer to that is “No” – you are attracting similar types because of the person you are – almost certainly kind, caring, empathic and open.
The difference is that now you are aware of the danger signs and not taken in so easily or without question. Previously, you may well have made excuses for a man (“he’s trying to impress me because he’s nervous” or “we all tell little white lies to impress people sometimes”). Empathic people find it hard to accept someone is “all bad”, they look for reasons and try to exonerate the other person.
Your trust has been abused, you’ve been hurt and disappointed by a sociopath, probably over and over again, little wonder that you are wary about it happening again. If it feels wrong, it is wrong, I believe there is a very high percentage of the population who are narcissistic and sociopathic, years ago it would have been called something else “a womaniser, an egomaniac, a fraud, a liar and a cheat.” You are just tuned in now to the red flags, it will take time to trust again.
When you mentioned a “harem” it made my blood run cold. That is exactly what my last partner wanted. I sent him a song by Sarah Brightman and he was very excited that it was from an album called “Harem”. He joked about it, but I’d only just met him and didn’t realise the significance. Soon after, I realised that he had more than a hundred women friends on Facebook, some he had slept with just once, some he had never met but “dated” online. He was proud that they messaged him, and was angry when I objected to many who commented on our photos with remarks aimed at him, certainly not me.
Today, it’s all over the news about the death of Hugh Hefner, many jokes about his “harem” of Bunny girls. It struck me that it’s a peculiar form of narcissism when a man of 86 seems to believe that a beautiful model of 26 is attracted to him for himself alone. I knew that my ex-partner would have loved to be surrounded by a harem like that, because the narcissist is incapable of real emotion, and only feels brief and fleeting excitement either sexual or through power. They are like film sets – all convincing facade and hollow and empty behind.
I hope you find a decent man to rebuild your trust, Valerie. Trust has to be earned, not demanded, if someone is demanding it, be cautious!
Keep strong, and remember, you are more valuable than any sociopath could ever be.
Hi Lanalana5, Thank you for responding to me!! I’ve had a really rough day! The harem stuff, well, I never met any guy like the one who recently took me out on a date. For two years now he’s been coming onto me (on and off because we don’t live in the same city or even in the same country except for a few months a year) but he’s never actually made a move. When we’re together or communicating he is always mentioning other women. I couldn’t figure out why – does he want me to be like his sister and confide in me? Does he want me to compete with other women? I couldn’t figure it out. But your harem story, well, it sounds sort of like that except that I don’t think this guy has slept with anyone in years. He has this ex-girlfriend who works with him and always, always calls when he and I are together. Then he has to hide the fact that he’s with me even though nothing has happened with me!! We haven’t even kissed. Maybe he’s been using me to get his ex back? But we go for months and months without seeing each other, so I am not the best person if he’s trying to triangulate. I just did not get it at all so I called him on it. Thank goodness I did not get involved with him, right? I am grateful that he did not make a move.
I too have been watching the Hugh Hefner stuff with disgust. I like your film set analogy. I find real life much more interesting than fantasy life. Months ago I put something about preferring reality to fantasy on an online dating profile and my narc (not the harem guy, the guy I originally came to this site about – the one I was missing today! 🙂 ) stalked me on the dating site and messaged me about that line. At the time, he had told me not weeks before that he was reconciling with his wife. So yeah, they live in fantasy land because I guess real life is too boring. They are bored with themselves. They have no inner life. Hugh Hefner was able to make his fantasies come alive but most guys like that cannot.
Thank you again for your comment!
Hi again, Valerie,
I hope you have had a better few days. We all go up and down, it’s natural to want the comfort of loving, the picture these “charmers” paint is compelling, it’s so hard to believe that in the good times it was all lies, all fake, but it was.
Sometimes I think I must have imagined the things he said to me, but he also wrote them on Evernote, so I have the evidence in writing! Reading those notes now, the sudden change in his behaviour to me is incomprehensible. This is why we miss the person we thought we loved, because we struggle to believe that there wasn’t a grain of truth in it. We comfort ourselves by looking for reasons why they change, and even blame ourselves. We have to understand that there was no truth, it was all fake, a mirage.
Thinking about this man who takes you out and talks endlessly of other women, I can only presume that it’s an ego boost for him. My gut instinct tells me that his “ex girlfriend” is nothing of the sort, she’s very much in his life, could even be his wife. He probably gets a kick out of being with you when she calls him, a sort of power trip. Saying that he hasn’t had sex for two years is also a typical technique – it’s designed to lull you into a false sense of security. Your sympathy is roused by the confession, and he seems like the sort of man who appreciates women for themselves not just for sex. Don’t be fooled – it’s probably a calculated lie.
The narcissist in my life liked women in foreign countries, particularly South America where he had business links. He didn’t want someone to have access to him all the time, so he could travel between places picking and choosing. I pitied the women who followed him on Facebook, I don’t know if they all believed that they were special, but he’s a predator and they seemed blind to the fact. I’m not saying that everyone wants a full and committed relationship, but honesty is essential, and he lies to get what he wants. These men play games, they don’t care about the consequences. They erode your self worth, and laugh about it.
We all have to stand strongly on our own sense of right and wrong, my senses are deeply offended by dishonesty, and every time I am tempted to try to “make things right” with someone who has treated me with contempt, I remember that they are the ones who should ask for forgiveness – it won’t ever happen in the case of a sociopath, unless they want something more from you, until there is nothing left.
Everyone has their bad days, Valerie, but something good is just around the corner if you are true to yourself.
Lana x
Hi Lana, Thanks for your comment. I’ve been keeping track of my moods because I cannot believe they are really about the narc. They are about something else – he is just a projection of something else.
The guy who takes me out (harem guy) – I’ve known him for a long time and we have a lot of friends in common. I know his family and all about the ex. It is what he says it is. He’s not involved with anyone. It’s more that he feels the need to pretend. He doesn’t want anything from me other than admiration. Once I called him out, he disappeared – same as narc!
Funny you should say that yours did not want people to have access to him all the time. Narc is like that too. He also travels a lot for work and would disappear during his travels from the very beginning. However, I will give him this: when I told him that I was having anxiety attacks, which is why I dumped him several times, he stayed in touch every single day for a month, including while traveling, until I was okay. He even did it beyond that and I had to tell him he could stop. (That’s the part of him that I loved – he’d comply, calm me down, tolerate my volatility.)
But he suddenly reverted to form and complained that everyone, including me, monitored him. Yet I never knew where he was or what he was doing and never asked because he was usually at work and I wouldn’t contact him outside of work hours, though he did me. He also ALWAYS asked what I was doing, where I was going, if my son was around, etc. So, the things he accused me of, he was doing to me. I didn’t mind because I’m not secretive and I do have an interesting life. But he has nothing to hide EITHER – there were no other women (except his wife – the first half of our relationship he lied to me; the second half was an affair) and I can tell from his sparse public Instagram page that he was truthful about his travels. Harem guy has nothing to hide either. But they both felt the need to turn things up a notch. Why? To pretend to be more complex/important/interesting than me?
I’ll tell you what it is: it is controlling behavior to put me in my place, which boosts their egos. It sounds like that’s what yours was doing too. So thanks again for your comments because they made me realize that both men have control issues!!
Hi Valerie!
Thanks for your reply. I too have questioned over and over my own reactions. I have blamed hormones, upbringing, past experiences and even my own “nature”. I can be sure of one thing – the “narc” has never done that, because he doesn’t believe that he does anything wrong ever, despite a history of multiple broken relationships and having walked out on two sons by different mothers.
I must say, your chap sounds as if he did care about you during that month of your anxiety attack. Of course, in the early weeks of my relationship my narc was incredibly attentive – but in my case it was control. He made me produce a spreadsheet of all my assets, income and personal effects. He insisted I move into his house whilst he was away – it looked like caring, but it was control. I knew that it felt wrong, but I trusted him and even then blamed myself for being too insecure. When I was totally isolated in South Korea with him, his behaviour was bizarrely the opposite of what it had been. I found pages of notes about me in the apartment. They were notes about my childhood, my schooling, my children and previous relationships. Every time we had had conversations on Skype, and he had shown deep interest in my life, he had taken notes. It was a bit chilling. Why did he do that? In order to discover my “core wounds” and believe me, when he had bouts of extreme anger aimed at me for no reason, he was verbally abusive in a way calculated to demolish me. As an old friend once said ” there is method in their madness”. He did this because he thought I couldn’t escape, but I packed my bags and went home under very difficult circumstances – he was shocked. Then set out to utterly destroy me in any way he could.
Empathic people will always look at themselves to find blame.
My experience has destroyed my faith in my own judgment. I’ve always been open, trusting and tried to see the best in others. I hate now that I’m cynical and reluctant to have anyone in my life, even many friends.
I’ve questioned my behaviour; am I needy and demanding? Do I have unrealistic expectations? Am I naive? Am I a failure, as he liked to make me feel? (The total opposite of what he said at the start, when he admired my “intellect and unparalleled wit, my resilience and spirit.”)
As I said, I can guarantee that the narcs will never suffer this self doubt.
Some people comment that many of us here are just angry that a relationship has gone wrong and we feel that we are not to blame so want retribution. I’ve had relationships that ended, I never felt like this about it. I’m prepared to accept my own part in anything that goes wrong, but this is different, it’s destructive in a way that affects your whole emotional balance and the way you see the world.
Hi Lana, No, these are not normal relationships. People who have not been in one will not understand. I learned that very well. Just don’t listen to them. I actually figured out mine was disturbed by watching a TV show about a sociopathic killer. Though mine is not violent, I recognized a lot of things and a light bulb went off in my head. We are not wrong and we are not crazy.
I wouldn’t be surprised if mine took notes on me too. Several times he said things that he could not have known had he not been stalking me/doing his research. Or he would pretend not to know something that he did know. He did brazenly once stalk me after we had split up and he’d told me about his wife. I think he did it again about a month ago. In any case, I didn’t hide anything from him and I did not care what he knew about me. I don’t have any secrets and I wasn’t lying to him or to anyone else.
He did care about me and that was part of the problem. I managed to pierce his defenses. But he didn’t want to care. At first I was confused about his emotional unavailability (really pathological) and hot/cold behavior because I’d never experienced it before. I kept thinking it would resolve but every time we were close and things were calm he’d rock the boat. It got to the point where I’d prepare myself – anticipating the blow up after the closeness. He never deliberately or directly tried to make me feel like a failure, though of course I do feel like I failed in general in terms of the relationship. But I also know that I couldn’t have done anything differently because it was a dynamic.
He only blew up at me twice and both times were over email. Never to my face. But I have to say that both times were scary because he was otherwise so calm. The second time I went all cold and that was the beginning of the end for both of us. You left. Good for you! They did not destroy us.
My judgment took a beating too but there were good things about him and about yours too, otherwise we would not have stayed, right? So do not beat yourself up. These relationships are not entirely pathological. Just the parts that matter to their long term health are really problematic, to say the least. I think time heals, as does interacting with a lot of normal people. I’m glad you escaped. Mine is sort of in a bind because if he pulls any nonsense I am in a position to make a lot of trouble for him.
Thank you Valarie.
Hi Positivagirl, Lana helped me! Ours seem to have some similarities. Still struggling but keeping busy and it’s gotten better over the past few days…
It can really help, to hear someone else who understands your story. Or when you have encountered a similar type. Simply because your experiences can be pretty crazy. It helps that there is someone else who understands what really is quite inexplicable.
Yes, exactly! Especially about seemingly little things and weird behaviors that one has never encountered before.
Hi Valerie, you have helped me too! Thank you for that.
Positivagirl is right about sharing the same experience, I feel that other people, even those closest to me, suspect I might have “over-dramatised” my situation – or contributed to the way I was treated.
When you’ve been made to feel like the “problem” by someone you loved and trusted, made to question your own behaviour, been totally bewildered and baffled because you’ve just been loving and caring and can’t understand what’s happened, it’s easy to accept blame. Empathic people are quick to do this.
“We are both good people” my narc said to me, “and no one can take that away.” The arrogance of that statement from a man who had wrecked many lives and disappointed countless women. His elderly uncle told me about the wreckage he left behind him. (Only after I left.)
Their self assurance is breathtaking, they suffer no remorse, whereas we are left bereft. Thank goodness we can support each other here, the similarities of our experiences are a comfort.
Lana x
Hi Lana, That’s good to know. The thing that struck me about yours was the secrecy and not wanting people to find him, because that was a big feature of my relationship. It’s very controlling, as I said. I actually dumped mine a month after I met him because of that behavior (first of 3 dumps). I set out to find out everything I could even before I knew he was married (last piece of the puzzle). I didn’t find anything worth being so weirdly secretive or distant about, though that continued even after the affair part started. Pretty standard family and professional situation from the outside. I did find it strange that once I had all of the information he didn’t run away. On the contrary, he relaxed and opened up. He even said he felt closer to me. Maybe because he wasn’t lying anymore. But I still do not have answers to so many small things – many odd behaviors.
After I called him out on his lying, he didn’t really apologize. He simply said “all I can do is be the best person I can be going forward.” Once he said “I really am a sweet guy.” Ha! Sounds like yours. They seem to worry about being considered bad apples. Hmmm. I wonder why…
I really think it’s insecurity, as I said in one of my earlier posts to you – that they have to pretend to be something they are not/more than they are, because their egos (real selves) really are quite fragile. The bad boy is the false self and the controlling behaviors happen so we don’t see their fragile selves.
In any case, my friends are all relieved that it’s over, though some suspect that it’s not — they’ve seen it end before over the past year and a half. But they see me as weak, so it’s my fault for letting it happen and then obsessing about it, whether or not he has a personality disorder. They will never understand and nor will your friends. xx
It’s so strange how the similarities keep emerging!
I think your assessment is spot on, fragile egos underneath the confidence and arrogance. Mine once said to me – “all my life I’ve given the impression that I’m intelligent, when really I think I’m a stupid person.” He said revealing things like this when he’d had a few drinks. He was intelligent, but narrow, and sought out creative types. When he first saw me I think he thought I was a dizzy blonde, sweet and gullible. He discovered that I was better read than him, it unsettled him. Despite being a lawyer, he said that my grasp of written English was better than his. In his vulnerable moments (I think I too pierced his armour) he admitted that he sometimes felt vulnerable. I believe because this unsettled him he turned very verbally abusive, in order to get the upper hand, crushing me that way because he could, I suppose I’m sensitive, who isn’t? Especially when you trust someone and believe that you love them.
You’re right about people not being able to understand the need to analyse. The effect of their behaviour is baffling, bewildering, the normal human response is to try to understand and rationalise. Yes, I walked away, almost ran actually, and eventually I went “no contact” – not only with him but also his family members whom I really liked. I felt it was necessary to my peace of mind, I didn’t want to hear about his new conquest, or have to explain events to people who may think they understand, when really you have to be in the thick of it to truly understand. I know that he went to some trouble to try to devalue me to anyone who would listen, even though the facts spoke for themselves.
Your relationship sounds equally complex. The fact is they put on a show to the outside world to make everything appear wonderful and sincere. This makes you look crazy when you drop them. If you start trying to explain to people around you, a lot of it sounds trivial, as you say, small, inexplicable things. Emotional bruises don’t show like black eyes. That’s why I write about it, I can have my say in my blog, and people can decide if I was right or wrong. Because that is the hardest part – that little doubting voice inside which whispers “was it me?”.
Someone said to me only yesterday, “you must have been very hurt to leave such a remote foreign place in the way that you did.”
“No” I replied “I was angry” – and this is true, I was absolutely furious that he could treat me so appallingly when I had thrown my heart and soul into loving him, and had defended him to very cynical and worried family and friends.
Yes, you are right, Valerie, they are little, frightened children underneath, terrified that someone will find them out and reveal their pathetic inner self. You did that, and so did I, and in order to put the walls back up, my narc had to hurl all the vitriol he could find in my direction, in an attempt to floor me and so rebuild himself.
You must do what you feel is right for you, Valerie, do not listen to people who do not truly understand. I have found your analysis revealing and it’s good to know that someone else seeks answers in this maze of enigma….Lana x
Lana, I have to laugh because the more you tell me, the more it sounds like we were with the same person. Mine is very, very left brained. He thought I was a hippie/free love type whereas he is in finance. Weirdly, he also lived in South America for many years. We’re both expats (from different but similar and geographically close countries). But he’s had a very stereotypical upper middle class adult life while I rejected all of that. We both have higher degrees – my degree higher than his but he has two of them. So I’d say we are both very smart/well educated, and that was part of the attraction – that and similar senses of humor.
BUT he could NOT for the life of him understand my writing. He’d say it was “beautiful,” “sweet,” “thoughtful,” etc but he would never respond to it. It was too emotionally complex, too many clauses, too convoluted. He’d focus on one sentence and make it self-referential – he’d say it was like “reading Chinese.” Very strange that he was so intelligent but could not see the bigger picture through the written word.
I wondered about this because he’s very verbal – he just cannot write fluidly – he’s very curt – or understand written communication. He wouldn’t answer even simple written questions (face to face he would). It caused tons of problems because it felt like he was dismissing or willfully ignoring me. I started reading up about Aspergers because often I thought that’s what he had – I still do, partly, except he is maybe a bit too calculating. In any case, one of the signs is a lack of empathy – similar to a narcissist, right? In fact, it’s often difficult to tell the two apart. But I discovered that Aspies have a serious problem with “social language.” They are very literal, do not understand nuance or metaphor, etc. Language does not have the richness for them that it has for people not on the spectrum, and they have particular problems with written language. Sounds a bit like your lawyer saying your grasp of written English was better than his and feeling inadequate for it.
In any case, most of us – once we are adults – are pretty certain of our choices, likes and dislikes, have reasons for taking the paths we have taken, etc. They are missing something – they want what they are not because they have a void – they haven’t made a choice to be the way they are. It’s just how they are. At the same time, what they want scares them. We are braver than they are.
And yes, on the surface mine is just a story of someone who got involved with a married man and got burned. But that’s not what happened at all!! I didn’t even want him to leave his wife!! Certainly not for me. I just wanted a relatively uncomplicated, affectionate, fun relationship but he couldn’t do that because “affection,” “fun” and “uncomplicated” are not in his vocabulary. “Control,” “twisting things,” and “complicating things” are because he is bored and I am not. Narcissists cause chaos. That is what they do.
People think they know what happened because of the surface story. Sigh.
I hope we can both get past our anger and feeling like it was us. It wasn’t. I’m sure we both tried everything.
xx
And just to add that mine did the same thing with the vulnerability. I used to tell him that it was okay to have feelings and to express them, but every time he almost did – every time we got close – he’d violently push me away (not physically but emotionally). He’d cause chaos to get the upper hand. Just like yours. I trusted mine with my life too so it was as good as being hit. That’s why we feel bruised.
This is amazing, Valerie, I cannot tell you the relief I feel, because you are describing the same situation, or one so close as to have incredible similarities.
I’m afraid I “accused” him of being autistic. His 16 year old son has been diagnosed and has been prescribed Ritalin. Several things led me to this conclusion, rightly or wrongly. He has “obsessions” – woodwork, book binding, cycling, sailing, collecting objets trouve, all these passions are short lived. He spends a lot of money pursuing them and the effects (a boat, a workshop, various bicycles) lie languishing and rotting. He is horribly untidy, and his home has piles of things (especially rocks and bits of tree stumps) lying around anywhere, gathering dust. He wanted me to sort and tidy this house when he was away (I have an antiques and interior design background). He told me to throw everything away, including all his clothes if I thought them unsuitable. Of course, I didn’t (we’d only just met) but I did work hard to sort, clean and tidy. His Uncle told me that these enthusiasms don’t last long, and so it was with women, of course he made me believe that I was different.
As for the literary side of things, I completely empathise with your description. I have written poetry since I was a child, I suppose I’m a bit snobbish about poetry, I also keep quiet about it because little rhymes and ditties are not my thing, so many people just don’t get it. To me it is like music, the intricacies of language fascinate me, always have.
He claimed, right from the beginning, that he wanted me to “teach” him about poetry. I was taken aback, he went to a top university, surely he had some background knowledge? Apparently not. He said he’d never understood Shakespeare either. I wrote several poems for him over the course of our short relationship, he couldn’t understand them at all, even though they were straightforward, I explained that he should absorb them and not try to analyse. He couldn’t do it.
Whenever he sent a text, it would be incredibly sloppy, misspelled, sometimes I joked that it was like a cypher I had to unravel! This happened even when we were splitting up and he should have been more thoughtful about language as it was clear he was trying very hard not to “give anything away” – just like a lawyer in fact. The complete opposite of his Love bombing just weeks earlier, as you may imagine.
The other thing that puzzled me was something he said right at the start about music – he sent me songs that he liked and early jazz, but he told me that he never could listen to or understand song lyrics. It was just “music” – the words were lost to him, even in a meaningful song. I looked this up at the time, I suppose it was a red flag of sorts. It’s significance became stronger when added to other aspects of his behaviour that I later discovered.
I have studied psychology, and I sometimes think that I study too much! Bewildering behaviour that affects your life in this way is hard to overlook, I have a craving to comprehend – and I’ve come to a conclusion, his behaviour is dictated by some imbalance, whether that is physical, behavioural or just a personality disorder. He will continue to behave in the same way, despite occasional self exploration, including some diary type entries on Evernote (another enthusiasm that only lasted a couple of weeks) – by mistake he shared with me some notes from years ago which showed that others had complained often about his “lack of consideration” and past girlfriends had even thrown their drinks at him! He couldn’t admit any blame of course, but commented that his life had been “bagunca” which is Portuguese for a mish-mash, he speaks fluent Portuguese, and is adept at languages. In this revealing comment he says that he has never stuck at anything long enough to master it, and that remark covers his personal relationships, although he doesn’t make the connection.
I think he saw in me a person who could get to the core of his troubled inner life, but when I began to expose it, and wish for a response, itwas just too uncomfortable and he realised he preferred to carry on in the same old way. He’s like a little boy in a sweet shop, dipping his hand in every jar, the Internet has made this easy and the whole world is his playground. It is us, the people who care in a deeper way, who end up chewed up and spat out……
Lana xx
Lana, I used to embed song lyrics in my emails, make references to lyrics, and send links. I don’t think he ever got one of them or listened to anything I sent. He also sailed because someone told him he needed a hobby. One of the things in the collections you mention is one of his professional specializations. He has a very left brained daughter with interpersonal problems. There are no people in his Instagram (very sparse), he doesn’t communicate with anyone who comments (so it wasn’t me – he does the same thing to everyone), and all of his pictures focus on the sky. Literally all of them. Even if something else is in the picture, the sky takes up three quarters of it. That is curious to me. Maybe you have some insights. When I told him he was like two different people, he responded that I was not the first to say that. It’s maddening. I did ask him if he was on the spectrum but he did not know what I was talking about. Getting angry is sort of pointless, right? I mean if it is what we think it is, it might be hurtful but it’s a bit out of their control. They simply are not self-aware enough to make any changes and they cannot recognize what it is they need to change. They do not know what empathy is. I think I said above somewhere that they are like humans, but they are not humans. They are androids!!! xx
Believe it or not, I forgot to mention the photography! A friend pointed out to me that photography is a very solitary pursuit, and indeed I spent many times standing silently waiting, in some remote woodland or during a walk, whilst he played around with light and shadows. I also love photography, but it is a selfish way to spend time with someone, ignoring them and expecting them to keep still and silent whilst you follow your “art”.
Interesting about the sky pictures, I can only imagine that ever changing cloudscapes hold an interest, or maybe it’s a sort of yearning for the unknown blue yonder. Often the sky is empty of living things, it is an uninterrupted view, it is, in that way, uncomplicated. Again, that is a sort of obsession or fixation.
Total lack of empathy in letting you down when you were supposed to meet. It’s just completely one-sided. Gratification from a new source of supply, so cold, callous disregard for the previous interest. They treat us like robots! As if we should just accept and “move on” – a popular phrase of my narc. When I pointed out that when you really care about someone, and it all goes wrong, you can’t just “move on” without a care, it’s too painful. They can get their thrill with the next one,without a care; zero remorse, zero conscience.
Yes, you are right about anger being pointless, it was obvious to me that he had not a jot of feeling, how can you argue with that? I pointed out that his lack of response was abnormal, but I doubt he cared or even understood. I only know that we are the lucky ones, yes we can be hurt, but we can feel passion and love of all kinds, something they cannot feel, only imitate, locked into a world where they are constantly searching.
Lana xx
Hi Lana, Yes, it was a really shitty thing to do but at the time I did not know why he had canceled and we hadn’t seen each other in four months. I mentioned it later and he stopped that sort of thing. That he was willing to change made me think that he had no idea what he had done. It simply did not register. He didn’t cut me off or replace me even after he did that. In fact, I cut him off but he reached out a month later. He angers and frustrates me but he doesn’t experience things the way I do. Sure part of that is about empathy but it’s also that he’s just wired completely differently – a robot. My world is a lot more complex, just as you wrote. He once said to me ‘I am not a machine.’ I said, ‘but you act like one!!’ Ha.
He’s a terrible photographer, by the way. Really bad. I think he only does it to say ‘look – I’m not lying! I am where I say I am.” The sky thing, well, it made me think that he should have been an astronaut or a pilot. He’s always seeking an escape and he’s always in planes.
xx
Hi Valerie, you make some very interesting and vital observations in your comments, that completely sum up so many of our shared experiences.
The point about these men being “wired differently”, it’s because of this that we cannot reason with them, explain our feelings, and expect them to be understood properly. I have written small essays (at his request) explaining circumstances, emotions and the reasons why I felt so upset, sidelined, neglected or overlooked. This was obvious to others around us, not just to me. He couldn’t see it at all, blamed me, then would reply to my detailed (and balanced) essay with two words, such as “thank you”. How frustrating is that! He never addressed a single point in anything I wrote or said, he only picked out good phrases that referred to him, or parts where I expressed affection or gratitude.
They cannot change, they don’t want to, they don’t think they need to, so the advice for survival is “walk away”.
Otherwise, you will be embroiled in a constant, frustrating battle to make your viewpoint understood and responded to. It’s never going to happen.
The other important point you highlight is that when you see through this lack of reasoned response to the person underneath, you may like them very much. This is why perhaps, we do battle to get through to them!
If there is a calculated deceit, that is different, and yet, empathic people will try to understand and make the best of it. Until they become totally undermined or worse.
It explains the cat and mouse stories of so many of us, but the underlying message is clear – you cannot reason with, have a balanced debate, rationalise or emotionally educate someone whose mind and character are fixed. You can choose to overlook the bad things and tolerate the frustration – but if it Is bringing you low you should think of yourself. Self-sacrifice has few rewards, except for others.
There could be multiple reasons for the destructive behaviour outlined in posts here – autism, frontal lobe damage, personality disorder or just plain bad people doing bad things because they can.
In the end, we as individuals have to make a stark choice – stand up for ourselves and realise that we can’t “fix” everything and everyone; or get lost, damaged and dreadfully hurt in the struggle.
Everyone wants to be loved but continuous sacrifice without return is NOT LOVE – it is fault on both sides.
I wish everyone here the strength to know what is right, and to find the love that they truly deserve.
Your sense of freedom is amazing, Valerie, I find it inspiring, I am trying hard to be more like that myself!
Lana x
Hi Lana, Yes, in the end we cannot reason with them and we cannot make them understand, no matter what it is that causes them to be the way they are.
Funny that yours only responded to the parts of your writing about him and positive – that’s what mine would do too. I could write pages and get one line back that referred to something about him. On empathy: once I was telling him about a difficult situation at work and he made it totally self-referential. In a weird way. It was an awkward logic. Then he’d say things like ‘I know what it’s like to be hurt,’ as if he was not the one doing the hurting. Erghh. Maddening. But in his way he was trying to empathize. Same as he would try to comply if I asked him to make small changes to his behavior. He’d make an effort for awhile. So yes, there is something like a real human underneath the android stuff but so damaged that it cannot come to the surface. It’s sad.
After that month in which he was in touch every day I began to disengage because I wasn’t getting the intermittent reinforcement anymore. I was almost ready to end it. But then he reverted, I got sucked back in (so I know there is something wrong with the way I respond to him), and it got to the point where I wanted to tell his wife to keep him away from me and on a damned leash. I once wrote him an email ‘please let me go!’. But he wouldn’t until his interests were being served. Again the empathy deficit.
This conversation has been really helpful because while I can see bits of similar situations in some of the other posts, I do think ours are twins!! And that you and I think similarly. Again, we’re not wrong. I am pretty confident about my abilities to read people. And I am like a dog with a bone. I leave no stone unturned and I can be obsessive! 🙂 Taking the mystery out of these situations is how we get closure. I hope we both get there 100% soon!
xx
I couldn’t agree more, Valerie, I sometimes think that I am obsessive in wanting to get to the heart of things.
Something very strange has happened today, a friend showed me his Facebook profile, I have blocked him so I can’t see. I have avoided all conversation about him as I believe it is important to recover. However, sometimes it just gets the better of me and I have a burning curiosity to see if anything has changed. A few days ago he posted on FB a very odd message, it was how he now realised that aspects of his life have been out of his control and yet he must take responsibility for them. Things that have happened to him are not directly his fault, but he is involved in them, therefore he can’t be separated from them. I only read it twice, it was very enigmatic. I had the impression that something has happened to make him change his view of his life. Maybe he has developed an important relationship with his new girlfriend, maybe he has tried to improve for that relationship. I wondered whether my letter about his Narcissistic Personality Disorder and possible autistic tendencies had an impact and he has sought a professional diagnosis.
I want to know more, but, on the other hand, I don’t want to be involved.
If it is true, and I was correct, it gives me no satisfaction. It doesn’t actually undo the emotional harm he did to me.
Getting an answer, of sorts, doesn’t solve all problems.
Perhaps there is an element of fatalism that these men come into our lives, for us to reach a clearer understanding of them and ourselves.
I feel it has drawn a line under my experience, and hopefully, I can view it as a lesson learned.
Lana xx
I would say that he is playing the role for someone in his life. Saying what she wants to hear. It is affirmation he is still the same person.
Interesting that you should write that, Positivagirl, because every time I see something that mine has written or posted it always strikes me that it is designed to send a message. I think about who his audience is – who he is trying to trick or convince. Many times I thought we were getting somewhere but then he’d duck a question or literally leave a conversation so as not to have to engage on that level and about himself. Whatever is hidden and authentic only comes to the surface inadvertently. Nothing is ever deliberately introspective. There is no self-analysis with them. I ended up telling mine that I didn’t think he was capable of feeling badly, though I suppose feeling sorry for himself is what he considers feeling badly!
I have been searching. I wrote a post about this. It had photo of a camera on it, I can’t find it. Either wordpress has deleted it, or it was placed back into draft. I will try to find it for you.
Okay thank you
Hi Lana, I had to search around a bit to find our conversation but I just wanted to check in, find out how you are, and tell you about the next chapter, in case it helps you.
I came back home and after waiting two months, which was six months no contact with him, I sent him an email apologizing for my part because I did a few things I wasn’t proud of. My therapist thought it would be empowering. That is, instead of writing to his wife and spilling the beans, I wrote to him. The email was short, apologetic, kind. No flirting, no enticement, no expectations.
Well what do you know but that he wants to resume our affair. I told you that every time I’d see something from him posted on social media I would just know that it was designed to send a message. Nothing I saw was authentic – or it was authentic in the sense that I could tell that he was just going through the motions. He never commits to anyone. Not to me, not to his wife. My rational mind thought that six months would be enough to get him back on track with her, which is what he said he wanted. But nope. Nothing has changed.
In any case, I am not interested in having an affair anymore. Whether I would want to be with him if he were single is another question, but I think I am a completely different person than I was last year and wouldn’t be interested in him either. We still have a very strong attraction to each other (we saw each other once — it’s been less than two weeks since we resumed contact) but something inside me has changed.
I am in the position of power now because he is waiting on me to agree to resuming the affair. I’ve written an email telling him that I don’t want it. That if he stays in his marriage, he’ll find another affair partner. If he leaves it he is free to contact me but I won’t be in any kind of shallow or fake relationship with him, even as friends. Once again I have expended a lot of brain energy on this but I am sleeping really well and I don’t wake up when his 5:30 a.m. emails arrive anymore.
Hope you’re good. xx
Hi Valerie! I’m fine, thank you. I suddenly thought about you a few days ago, wondering how you were getting on.
I am interested that you say that you are empowered, I would say “be very careful” – feelings can remain dormant, they can jump up and surprise you. It reads as if you do have feelings for him, understandably, and believe that you can call the shots. I’m not sure about that. If he has a track record as a liar and deceiver, he will be good at it, practised. He’s not going to suddenly change. Even if he did leave his wife, enter into a committed relationship with you, could you trust him? Or does he get a kick from the illicit? Would the situation be reversed? Would you be deceived like his wife?
I fully understand your need to contact him and explain a few things. It’s an overwhelming urge for caring people, to put the situation straight, make everything smooth and level. But has he apologised or admitted any fault?
I hope it works out for you, maybe you do have something special between you and that is why you keep being pulled together like magnets.
Strangely, I was reading some notes tonight on Evernote. I wrote them exactly a year ago. It had been J’s idea that we should keep a sort of mutual “diary” of our thoughts, as we were separated before he flew me to Korea to be with him. I was astonished at what I had written. I had no memory of it. I said that I felt that I was a chess piece being pushed around on a board, with other women as pieces all around me. They were static, because he had discarded them. The game was being played with me. I actually used the word “discarded” and said that I was worried the same thing would happen to me. Reading his messages and notes to me, there was no hint of anything that made me feel that way, it was purely little bits of knowledge that I acquired whilst living (at his insistence) in his house, and remarks that his elderly uncle had made to me. Every time, he soothed and reassured me, every time he swore undying love for me, and told me about his vulnerabilities and his need for me, his reliance on me. His fear that I would reject him.
I now believe that he had already found his next target. He was certainly looking. My point is, there was absolutely no way anyone reading what he wrote a year ago could have imagined that. Least of all me. It was only a matter of weeks later that he became the absolute reverse of this “loving and devoted” man. He was monstrously selfish, arrogant & offensive.
I talk a lot in my pieces on Evernote about trust, I confide all the secrets of my heart to explain my insecurities – I make excuses for him, I am clearly convinced that I can make him happy.
I’m telling you this (probably repeating myself!) because time blurs the truth. If I hadn’t written those things at that time, I would never have recalled the full picture now. The human mind is self defensively selective about the information we retain.
In short, I wonder if you are selecting, subconsciously, the bits of your relationship that still appeal and forgetting the manipulation and the deception. This is why I say “be careful” – it is easy to be sucked in again and relive those exhilarating feelings. At those times you are not in control, no matter how much you believe you are.
I hope it works out as you hope, Valerie, I really hope that you are ok. Xx
Hi Lana, I am pretty sure I am okay. I not only do not want to be in an affair anymore. I wouldn’t want to be with him if he were single either because he’s not trustworthy, as you point out, and he’s superficial as well. We have a few things between us – a powerful chemistry, intellectual attraction – but this latest round has shown me once and for all that he lives in limbo land. Six months ago he was a few months into reconciling with his wife and seemed pretty adamant that that was what he wanted. So once again I was surprised when he wanted me back. He didn’t apologize for anything. Nor did he ask me what I had been up to the past six months. I didn’t ask him either. We just picked up right where we left off and caught up a bit when we saw each other. He ‘love bombed’ me for about a week and then started to lighten up (withdraw). He says it’s work stress and he wants to make sure I am okay to get reinvolved, so he doesn’t want to overdo it. But I’m not reacting the way I used to, which would be to demand more, to ask what was wrong, to try to make him be present. I simply don’t care that much anymore.
This time I know that he’s had plenty of time to shit or get off the pot, so to speak, and he hasn’t done either. So no, I won’t get back into an affair and he won’t leave his wife. That’s the way he lives his life. I’ve been very standoffish and refuse to get into long email conversations again. I don’t wake at 5:30 a.m. anymore to his emails, and I respond lightly when he contacts me. I do not need him anymore. I desire him, but I don’t need him. The only thing that worries me is that I’ll want to tell him to his face and he will end up disarming me.
I wanted to point out to you that whatever these guys do has secondary motivations. I read very accurately what I’ve seen on Instagram. I don’t even look at it anymore. He is never present, even when he is in a picture with his wife. I can read his body language. I see what they do and how much time they spend apart. I can also read her pretty well at this point, as I’ve been doing it for awhile now. I had just told my therapist all this before I contacted him and I was right. He’s not fully committed to anyone. You were a chess piece and so am I. The difference is that I am probably the only one in my situation that sees the bigger picture now. His wife doesn’t know about me and he doesn’t know that I can follow both of them on Instagram and so know that he is not happy and never will be. I will never be able to make him happy. No one can. So, he can have his security and I’ll take my freedom. xx
Hi again Lana, Hope you are doing well. I just wanted to give you an update, including my thoughts. It all might help you.
Interestingly, mine won’t leave me alone now that I’ve told him that I don’t want to continue or even be in contact. He is moving in about five months and his ‘excuse’ on the surface is to keep me updated on his job search, even though I’ve told him that my decision does not rest on whether he moves or not.
Last weekend he emailed all weekend from home (unusual). He had received some unwelcome news so I was supportive and friendly, not flirtatious at all. But he suddenly slid into sexual innuendo – maybe he misinterpreted. Still, I didn’t respond. I left the conversation without even a goodbye. That didn’t stop him. Yesterday he contacted me at 6:00 a.m. to tell me where he was with the search, even though I have not asked. He only wrote a few words and I wrote back asking if it meant that I would be moving to X city. I was joking but what I WAS conveying is that he does not see me as a separate person to him. He understood because he laughed.
Because he won’t take no for an answer, I finally realized that ALL of his behavior is oppositional. Last year I was very anxious and it was easy to blame myself for being demanding, needing constant reassurance, etc. This year I am completely calm and content. He doesn’t ruffle my feathers at all. Still, I understand now that if I acquiesce, he withdraws. If I withdraw, he comes after me. And I am not the only one, of course. When he was separated he lived in limbo and hovered around his wife. When she decided she wanted to reconcile, he wanted to have an affair with me (we had already been involved). Last summer he ended our relationship but SO DID I. It was mutual. He creeped me online for the whole six months we were not in contact. Now that I have again backed out and it has been solely my decision, he is in limbo and hovering with me. It’s as if his wife and I are his two arms and he cannot survive without both of us in our proper places (chess pieces!).
He shows so many signs of Asperger syndrome, from having to control his environment to being ‘mind blind,’ not empathetic, misunderstanding social cues, not able to read my writing, very attached to routine, etc. He has narcissistic and sociopathic traits, but is not deliberately manipulative or malignant. He is surprised when I am hurt. He’s more like a little kid who needs the steadiness the ‘adults’ in his life provide in order to navigate the world.
I feel fine. Somewhat amused. We are both weirdly attached to each other. It’s not just the intense chemistry. I think it’s because he thinks I AM him and I allowed that to happen. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he did expect me to move to X city, and I wouldn’t surprise myself if I actually did move. But then I also wouldn’t be surprised if he begged me to move, I moved, and he then completely ignored or turned on me! Maybe you can relate to all of this.
I now know mostly what triggers the oppositional behavior but I don’t know what the mental processes are or how to handle it. Most people want to know what they have in common with someone else. They want to be on the same page about decisions, etc. It is what one would expect of another human being. This is the complete opposite to that! Of course it is very controlling but I think it’s more about himself than about other people.
Hope this gives you a bit more insight into your ex and that whole experience.
xx
Lana, I just saw the second part of your post. Mine also met someone else while I was away last year and dumped me. He canceled a meet up hours before we were to see each other (he was visiting the city where I was at the time). Nothing happened between them – it was an ’emotional’ thing. I think he told her he was going back to his wife, and we patched up our relationship a few months later. I came to understand that this other woman (the wife is another story) was a fantasy. They are fantasists. That’s part of the problem. Who can live up to the fantasies of a fantasist? Who can keep track of the lies? One reason I didn’t mind having in affair is that I knew he wasn’t cheating on me, except with his wife! Ha! He knew that if I found out he cheated on ME, there would be hell to pay. xx
I meant to add, Valerie, that I didn’t set out to “change” this man, I just wanted to understand why he himself changed so dramatically and illogically. He found me, I wasn’t looking for a relationship, he literally walked up to me and captured me. Like you, I’m open and completely honest, he knew absolutely everything about me, he wanted to read my blog, I know he did that straight away. He knew I’d had a difficult few years, that I was emotionally vulnerable, he represented himself as my “protector”. He told many people, even in emails to colleagues that I was his “fiancé”. So when he started to treat me virtually overnight with indifference and irritation, I couldn’t make sense of it. I thought he must have met someone else, when I asked him, quietly and calmly, he went into an utter rage and accused me of paranoia. Now I realise that he had met someone online, the woman he later described to me (only two weeks after I left) with whom he was having “a Wonderful and totally fulfilling relationship”. He hadn’t even met her at this point. He denied absolutely that he ever even thought of anyone else. Clearly untrue.
The madness of being accused in this way of paranoia, when all the time he knew that I was right, is hard to comprehend.
Add to that the vulnerable state I was in when he swept me up, and he should have realised that he might have destroyed me. He didn’t care.
This is what led me to examine his behaviour; of course, he made a misjudgment, I must be resilient, and I’ve got a marvellous (though exasperated) set of family and friends.
This is why your experience is so valuable to me, we just want to understand what motivates these men, they’re not unloveable, but they are almost impossible to live with, they pull you in and then push you away. Or, we leave them, because we can see how inexplicably damaging they are.
Lana xx
Just found out I am dating a sociopath. He has all the characteristics and has been diagnosed as a sociopath too. He’s been to psychologists and neurologists. But it doesn’t change who he is. Today I discovered that I don’t know anything about him. Three years and it was all lie. He even lied about his education, his parents, how he was brought up, and even where he was born. I know nothing of him. And it’s terrifying. But at the same time I miss and love the man I knew, but I know he doesn’t exist.
Hi Yesi,
Thank you for your comment. This is a difficult time. You yearn for the person that they sold to you, but this was a fabrication, and almost certainly had no bearing on who he is.
I recall in the very beginning, I found this poem. It was an accurate reflection of how I felt, and what I saw.
Everything that comes out your mouth is hot and black like treacle,
Never once have you said anything other than anything deceitful.
You’re poisonous and toxic, dangerous and deceptive,
Consuming all around you and so relentlessly receptive.
Swallowing each indiscretion and choking on your fumes,
While all around you are but pawns for your own use.
Stained with the vague idea that you are a ‘person’
In reality I watch as your psychoses gradually worsen.
The only thing I know for sure; your gender and your name,
Behind closed doors and cold surfaces I watch you shift the blame.
The feelings that you say you feel are all just a charade,
Never once have you been genuine, never let down your guard.
But I’m the one whose laughing now, I’m the one that’s real,
I have the ability to love and to care, the ability to feel.
You’ll never be more than a shadow, a watery reflection in the mirror,
And by default I am everything you’re not; I’ll always be the winner.
Hi Positivagirl did you get to read my story? I wanted some feedback from you but I never saw a comment from you
Hi Red Lioness where is your comment? Can you send me a link?
Hi,
I was actually shaking while reading this blog. Not only because I have just been devalued, discarded and to make sure it is over he threw me under the bus by denying who I was to him for over the last 2 years. Called me an old lady and crazy. Maybe I am luckier than most that he did, but I will admit I provoked it. I confronted his other affairs and I did it publicly. Needless to say the last thing a spath wants is a public display. I am totally humiliated to admit this but I am a mental health counselor how could I have fallen so hard. He showed signs of a borderline yet I stayed for 2 years making every effort to use everything in my tool box hoping for change. Apparently I was wrong I was dealing with a spath. All of the stories are the same and the pain excruciating to say the least. He caught me at a very vulnerable time of my life my partner of 15 years died of cancer. Vulnerable being the first operating factor. I am older than him by 15 years another vulnerability. Flattering to say the least. Good looking and built to the extreme. He was so good at his game I cannot even begin to tell you. In the beginning it was mostly sex and I was happy with that. I really wasn’t capable of anything more besides he was in and out of his marriage. Lies of course never was out of his marriage. I continued to see him but the first year I kept a safe distance. It wasn’t good enough for him so he began to use the intermittent form of reward you know the kind of reward you get from a slot machine. I found myself wanting more and more of him. He of course was doing whomever he could in between at least that is what I am told. It was too late for me I was in love and he was on the run. I never chased him its not my m.o. but I put up with just about all imaginable. Until a woman who was chasing him around told some one she was pregnant and about to get an abortion. I knew he was the father and made no bones about confronting it. He denied it but we all know the truth. I guess it doesn’t really matter she is his new supply and I am out, old and worthless to him. The morning before the confrontation he called me to let me know how much I mean to him, what a beautiful woman I am and he cant stand to be away from me. The same evening I went to say Hi to him thinking we were good innocently. His new supply was on her way too in fact we passed one another in the hall. He had just made a pass at another woman and asked for her number. So already hes cheating on the pregnant one . SMH. I am shocked, bewildered, stunned and broken emotionally. I had no idea that he was this man. Angry mean nasty and bordering on aggressive. I went back at him and everyone heard it. The secret was out of the bag he was infuriated and maybe embarrassed he was having an affair with me after all hes the beautiful man. Well at least hes beautiful on the outside and a whole other person in the light. Well here I sit a therapist who has been duped by his many masks. His last mask was the most unforgettable, he actually looked like el toro fire flaring from his nostrils. I stood in front of him looking in his eyes while he was calling me names and I saw a scared man hiding behind his wife, his kids, his new girlf and one in the wings. This is the most amazing crazy painful situation I have ever experienced. I don’t even know where to begin to pick up the pieces of my soul and my stepped on self esteem. One day at a time one minute at a time filling the void, dealing with feelings of inadequacies, battling jealousy, and back to the grief table. My heart goes out to all of you because I am you and I know how much this hurts.
Solataria
Hello, I wanted to share my story too. I´ve never done that before so…here it goes:
I am from Spain. I moved to Vienna when I was 21 and there I was living alone, having a nice job and so on. I joined Tinder because one of my best friends recommended it to me as I was in a new city. There I met G (I´ll name him like that). He is a professional poker player and the first times we met where simply amazing. It seemed he would really understand me and my situation. We kept on meeting for one week then he left to Australia for about two months, he would write me from time to time and then he came back earlier from his trip, he said I was one of the reasons. Of course I was the happiest girl..And there we started our “serious” relationship. He was traveling a lot because of the poker tournaments and I would stay in Vienna working. There were times where he would spend 48 h straight into my apartment and then leave out to a tournament and say nothing to me for weeks. I did not know what kind of relationship this was. The times where he actually stayed in Vienna he was playing online until late at night and he would write me around 3 am if I wanted to go over his place. And I would. Only to find out that he was playing fifa with his flatmates and when he got tired he would come to the room and sleep.
There were numerous times where we had sex in public space (less than 3 minutes by walk from his apartment). I remember saying to him why don´t we just go to your place? We did this more than 5 times outside. Then months pass and he flew to Vegas for two months and he invited me over (obviously I paid everything, flights, hotels…) I would spend one week in there, it was my first time in USA he did not pick me up from the airport neither he dropped me. He smoked plenty of weed up to 10 joints per day. We would have this amazing sex and although things were a little bit unreal I hold on to him.
I flew back to Europe and he came to Spain again to play poker after his trip to Vegas. By that time I knew all of his friends and he knew my family and my friends too. He always talked bad about them and tried to distance me from them. After summer he proposed to moved to Mexico so after half a year (by that time we were for one year together) we moved to Baja California. The moment we arrived there things changed completely. He was not the nice guy I met in Europe, he was an arrogant and lazy guy, to whom I had to cook every single day, I had to clean, I had to go groceries by myself in a country where I was new (and let me tell you not that safe around Tijuana). That time he started to get agressive. He would break a door, he would throw me things and even hit me in the hands. I tried to leave every time but he just did not let me, he would start crying and shouting “please do not leave please!” so I would stay. The next summer we went to Vegas again and I fell into a deep depression. I could not hold it any longer and he knew it, I said I prefered to be at home alone (in Mexico) rather than being in Vegas alone all day with nothing to do (of course he did not want me to work, every time I´d find a job online, that is what I do, freelance, he would say for what they pay me he could mantain me. And he was always against my bosses). He made me stay in Vegas for two months and after that my mental state was pretty bad. I never got to see him, he was always playing (or so he said) and he would leave home around 10am and come back at 2am.
After that we spend the summer again in Spain and he got really jelous even of his brother (because I had a good relationship with him) and he would become super obsessed with how I dressed and who I talked too and what I was posting on social media. In January we moved to another part of MExico (Yucatán) against my will, I was depressed, I kept on telling him I needed to be somehwere around my family and friends and he did not listen. Things there got even worse. He hit me several times and he was NEVER at home. I would come to the point where I would hid in the bathroom, and close the door locked, and he would unlock it with a coin from the outside, and I remember at that moment all I could think was to take the razer and kill myself. Actually there was a time where he opened the door and my first instinct was to ran to the kitchen and take a knife. It was simply not worth it to stay with him anymore, all the fights, the physical abuse, the shouts, the devaluation… One day he left and he was supposed to be back in 10 days but he never came back. HE LEFT ME ALONE IN MEXICO. I had no idea where he was, if he had found somebody else, he did not answer any of my messages, neither my calls on whatsapp and on Skype. Nothing. I lost 15 kilograms in one month. I am 24 and my weight was of 47 kg. With the help of my family I got out of that apartment and flew back to Europe. I wrote him a goodbye email which he never answered and just when I landed to Europe he started writing me where I was, if I was ok. I answred to leave me alone.
After two months of being in Europe, recovering weight and talking with my family he sent me an email. Saying “I left him alone in Mexico” and that “I drained him” that he gave me everything in his life and he forgot about himself. Saying he had depression and a hard attack when he got back home and saw I was not there (when I told him several times I was leaving). After two days of receiving the email I called him and said this relationship had come to an end. He first shouted and then he said he was so happy I was doing great and I developed so fast. By that time he was in Mexico.
THREE DAYS LATER HE WAS KNOCKING THE DOOR OF MY PARENTS HOUSE.
I could not believe my eyes when I saw him in my room. He tried to pull me back, to tell me we could go again and pack my stuff. At that moment I started to have suicidal thoughts again. Lucky my family new all the story, we went to court and had a trial, they got him in jail (twice in a month, he had been in jail for drugs in Miami too). And when he got out of the jail after the trial first thing he did was calling me again.
After that I have been doing therapy, healing and now I am way better. I have to say that I had no contact with him whatsoever but he did wrote my brother and my sister, the first sentence of his message was: “I and only I know what´s best for her…”. Three months have passed today and he keeps on blocking and unblocking me from whatsapp, daily. I did not write him anymore and I did not contact him never again. But I am afraid he will at some point…when he realized he is loosing power. I am not checking him on whatsapp for two weeks now.
Sometimes I wonder if he really is a psychopath..But after writing all the story for the first time. After being in the hospital because he hit me, alone in Mexico, with him not wanting to come with me, after almost killing myself and being abused sexually in a state of mind that was the lowest at that moment. After him stealing all my certificates and hide them from me so I could not work for more than a year (the he would bring them to me back to Spain saying he found them at home THEY WERE NOT THERE I LOOKED AND SEARCHED FOR MONTHS!!!), I think I have my answer in there…
Just because your ex made you fall in love and treated you like you’ve always wanted (virtually everyone does this in the courtship phase, if you didn’t you would be friends) then changed doesn’t make him / her a sociopath, quit looking for justification that nothing was your fault and they were just using you, chances are if you ever dated a sociopath you would never know.
You would always know – once the relationship came to an end. People are not as stupid as you think they are.
Hi Positivagirl here is a copy of what I wrote:
AUGUST 12, 2017 AT 5:26 PM
Hi I wanted to share my story with a sociopath and deceptive narcissist I met 2 years ago and just recently cut off for good. This story is a bit long so bear with me, if you don’t mind. His name is Silas Kamara but when we first met he lied and told me his name was “Kamara Obegenwae”-he lied and said his last name was his first name and he completely fabricated a last name. I would later find out why he did this. I first met him When I was on my way from college class I had stopped to the store and picked up a few items. On my way to the bus stop I passed a guy who I initially thought was Jamaican because he had a really beautiful, tropical sounding accent . I walked to the bus stop and waited here for a few minutes and soon after the ” jamaican” guy came up behind me and asked me what time the bus was coming. I wasn’t really in a talkative mood so I told him I wasn’t sure and left it at that. However the guy started flirting with me, told me how beautiful I looked and asked me where I was on my way to. He and I began to talk more and I found out he was actually from Sierra Leone and we talked about astrology and traveling. I told him my birthday was January 3rd and that I’m a Capricorn and I found out he was a Virgo (Virgo men are my personal favorites and his birthday was September 5th). I already felt chemistry with him and after our bus came we talked and laughed on it like it was just the two of us and he asked could he walk me home. I said yes and I jokingly said he probably just wanted to find out where I live. He playfully said yes he did but little did I know it was actually serious. He walked me to my house we exchanged numbers and he called me when he got home and mentioned that he would be out of town for a couple weeks but as soon as he got back he wanted to take me out on a date. I said okay and we talked more over the next couple days. However on the second day of knowing him he called me that morning and told me that he was ” in love with me “. I laughed and told him he was a charmer but no one falls in love that fast. He restated that he was in love with me and complete seriousness and he told me that the reason why he felt the need to tell me was because he is a “romantic/sentimental type” and he felt he had known me forever. Obviously I didn’t take him seriously but odd behavior what set the tone for the remainder of our relationship. When he got back from his trip we met at the park by my house and talked for 2 hours when he asked can I come back to his house later (he lived in the same neighborhood as me) and he could cook dinner for me. I said okay and later on he returned and we walked to his house. I’m a dominatrix when it comes to kink and role-play so I asked him could I tie him up and he enthusiastically allowed me to do it to him. I pleasured him but I told him earlier that day that I wasn’t comfortable having sex with him just yet. However while he was still tied to the bed he had been so aroused that he said ” how are you going to do this to me?” meaning he felt that I had gotten him so turned on that I somehow owed him sex. I told him no because he also did not have a condom and even if I were going to change my mind I would not want to have sex without a condom because I do not want to get pregnant. I untied him and we made out for a bit and he started to give me a massage but then got on top of me and asked me “why I didn’t why trust him”. I told him it was nothing personal but that I just didn’t feel comfortable without a condom. However he persisted and begged me to let him have sex with me for “just 5 minutes” and he promised he would pull out. However 5 minutes became 20 minutes and he wound up nearly ejaculating inside of me. I was so scared and upset that I told him to take me home right then and there. I realized that what happened to me was not rape but I still felt like I had been coerced and pressured to having sex when I had no intention to do so. However I didn’t feel like I could confide in anyone and for the next two weeks I was so scared of getting pregnant so my period was delayed. Meanwhile Silas found a way to play the victim and ask why I stormed out when he wanted me to spend the night (we had never agreed to that) and he told me I owed him an apology. I told him I was scared so I didn’t owe him anything and he didn’t know how to take no for an answer. Eventually I forgave him but every time we met up he would try to find a way to try to coerce me into having unprotected sex (I never agreed to it again) and afterwards he would accuse me of “acting up” just because I wanted to be responsible with my body. I grew sick of his rude attitude and we stopped talking for a couple months however in January of 2016 we begin talking again and he would arrange to meet his house where we would have sex and he will cook for me afterwards. However I begin to notice this was a consistent pattern And he never would actually take me on dates. When I confronted her about this I asked him was he just using me for sex and if yes just to be honest about it (I have no problem having casual sex but he kept saying how much he loved me and wanted to be with me and felt that if he just wanted sex he should stop saying things like that and be honest.) however he told me the only reason why he hadn’t taken me out was because he had a low income job and had no time for money to take me anywhere special, or so he said. My intuition told me something wasn’t right and after doing some Google searches I found out that not only had he lied about not having a Facebook account, he lied about his name, and he was a novice pastor in his African congregation and ironically often gave sermons on abstinance and chasity (i’m not religious but I thought the hypocrisy was absurd). I also discovered that he frequently went on expensive outings and trips he paid for with various friends (even though he told me he never had money to go anywhere at the time). He lived a complete double life. About a month later Silas called me early in the morning because he ask could I come to his house that day and he said he had something he wanted to talk to me about and it was important. I told him that he could just tell me on the phone, however he said it was “big” and he needed to talk to me as soon as possible. I went to his house later that morning and he had made me a fruit platter and he asked me to come close to him so he could hold me and tell me what he wanted to talk to me about. I was nervous but I figured he was probably going to tell me that he was moving or something. He began by telling me that he’s been struggling with his job and his citizenship and he’s worried about losing his work permit legally and the only way to keep it is if he gets married. I felt a knot form in my stomach and then he proceeded to ask me if I could marry him so that he could legally keep his working visa. I was appalled and angry then I begin to cry and I told him that I felt used, and that what he wanted to do was illegal and that probably didn’t even realized how used and taken advantage of I felt. He quickly began to apologize and told me that he wanted to marry me anyway but he was waiting for the right time to ask in this situation was just the most convenient for him. He began to try to control me and coddle me and because of my vulnerable state we were intimate later (he knew how to push my buttons). However I told him no and I went home angry as I usually did with him. When I got home I began to ask myself why I put up with him when he always makes me so upset. One day a few weeks later while we were walking to his house a family friend who lived nearby had seen us and she called my dad and told him she was worried about me because the guy she saw me with (Silas) was, in her own words, a ” sexual predator and bad news”. She said she knew exactly who he was because he had propositioned her in the past and she also told me later on that she found out that he was under investigation for sexual assault on a woman close to my age and the best thing I could do is stay away from him for my own good. At first I thought it was a case of mistaken identity because Silas has shown me his background report from a work application when I confronted him on what my neighbor had told me about him, but then I thought that to how he had course pressure me into having sex with him the day we met and how he got on top of me and persisted that we do it and I began to have suspicions and worries. However we still maintained contact and he would always persist in asking me to marry him however towards the end of the year (December 2016) he told me that if I didn’t marry him he would find someone else to do it so he could keep his Visa. I told him that I had no intention on marrying him and I only believed in marrying for love. He insisted he loved me but I knew he was being deceptive and manipulative. In February of this year (2017) right before Valentine’s Day he had bought me a ring and formally proposed me with it. Admittedly I was flattered but I still refused his offer and reminded him that what he wanted to do was illegal. After that I didn’t hear from him for an entire month but one night I got a call from him and he was in a car talking and laughing with other people and he said he would call me again when he got home. Later on he revealed to me that he followed through with his plan to marry someone for his Visa and he paid a woman he had ust met the previous week to help him with his marriage scam. I can’t say I was surprised but then he asked could we still meet and have sex and that he still loved me and it was purely a marriage of convenience and that he was planning to divorce her after 10 months. Needless to say I was disgusted and I met up with him just so I could tell him off. He also told me that the woman he “married” already had a boyfriend which turned out to be another lie. She had a son and she looked old enough to be Silas’ mother. He would post pictures and social media the two of them on outings and dates (remember he had still been telling me that he did not have the money to take me out anywhere.) I felt awful because I realized I had merely been used for sex the entire time and while he tried to use me for marriage fraud and he successfully used his new “wife” for his schemes he still would take her to all the places he never took me (the only time we ever spent together was in his bed) and it made me feel awful. I felt like an unpaid prostitute for him all along, and what angered me is that if he only wanted casual sex he could have just been honest with me instead of feeding me lies and decieving me about so many things. He also kept changing his story because at first he said he and the woman were not romantically or sexually involved but then he said they were temporarily have been he changed his story again and said that they weren’t. I no longer believed a word he said. The last time I ever saw him was in July about a month ago he had come to my house crying in his car and apologizing because the woman he “married” would not sign over her assets to him and he was worried about losing his job because she wouldn’t sign all of the property papers. He had the audacity to ask me to sign a lease note one his apartment so he wouldn’t lose the room he rented out. Thoroughly disgusted, I told him I didn’t ever want to see him again and not to ever call me again. I found out that he and the woman are somehow on good terms, he still takes her everywhere and looks after her son, and I believe they now live together in a different County (possibly because his scam began to unravel and he was desperate for it to look legitimate or so he told me). I’m angry and hurt because I feel like I was used yet I gain nothing from it and all the things he should have done for me he does now for the other woman he scammed. I wish he would have never tried to get me emotionally involved because it could have saved me the heartache. If he would have just been about only wanting sex I would have happened to him but instead he played on my emotions and never once apologized for what he put me through. I feel its unfair because it seems like he gets to move on and be happy and do fun things and go on the all outings that he claimed he had no money for and he never paid for his deceit and lies and the marriage scam. He goes to his church and preaches to his congregation yet he has skeletons in his closet. He’s judgmental (he would often judge me for how I dress and say I’m inappropriate and “dress like a whore” right after having sex with me ironically). He would constantly make promises he never kept and pretends he’s so perfect and everyone falls for it. I’m just angry and trying to get over everything I went through with him. It’s hard each day I’m stronger and and make an effort move on.
Please don’t focus on him and what he is doing. This will hold you back. Focus on you. The love has been stripped from you. You sound like a beautiful kind loving person. Start pouring you. Into you. Remember each day that you are away you heal. Keep to no contact.
aww thank you so much Positivagirl 🙂 and I’ll definitely take your advice. I also find that keeping my loved ones close to me and doing things that empower myself as well as practicing self-love help as well. Thank you again and love&hugs ❤ xoxo
Sounds like you have this red lioness. Having a support network around you can help massively. Also knowing what empowers you. It sounds like you really do have this. You just have to do the ‘cold turkey’. Have you ever tried going on a diet or quitting smoking? Anything like that? You need to break the addiction. Otherwise you could be stuck forever. Pulled into the ‘good’ then spat out in a rage.. or your world turned upside down again. One step at a time. One day at a time.
It’s not exactly what happened to me. My now xwife, afte twenty years with me, ran off without me having any clue until she was 150 miles away in the SF Bay Area. Her xhusband had been talking to her on the phone and via snail mail. They are both the same religion and they have children and grandchildren in common. Anyway I couldn’t tell her to stop talking to him but preferred she do it while I’m awake. The a hole used to call at 8:30 pm and I picked up the phone and told him not to call everytime I was falling asleep. He said he wouldn’t but he had other ways. All the communication was supposed to be about their religion and the kids, that’s why I couldn’t stop it.
Anyway the conclusion is that he won her over and she just skipped town and then called me and said she was not coming back.
Definitely go NO CONTACT. Don’t look for him on facebook or anywhere else. Get away and stay as far away from him as you can. You WILL get better and you will never let a psychopath happen to you again. Read “Psychopath Free”. You’ll find your life on every page.
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My ex is trying to come back around after two years. I’ve spent hours in therapy talking about what he did. It’s as if a part of me can’t remember all the bad stuff. I keep replaying the good stuff in my head. When he left me (suddenly, after texting me that morning that he loved me), he said, “I destroy people. That’s what I do.” I said, “Well, you’ve destroyed me.” He said, “This is nothing.” You’d think that would be enough that two years later I would ignore his messages to me. But I want to let him back in. I feel like an addict (thank you for your post ‘Take me to your dealer’) yearning for that drug. I’ve been praying so hard, and talking to my therapist and best friend about it, trying my hardest not to reply. In my mind though, I just want one more kiss. One more hug. To sleep next to him one more time. It’s torture.
Do what you will….but go into it with your eyes wide open!! He will come (and GO) as many times as you will let him. They do NOT change. Not for you…..not for anyone!! And he will DRAIN you every time. You will loose everything. So if you can afford that, (financially and emotionally) just take him back one more time.
You are right, Kate. I tried so many different ways to take mine back. I left him half a dozen times and he appeared to leave me twice, but what I realized is not only do they not change, no matter what sort of relationship it is, but he never really left me. They simply do not go away, ever! And every round of contact is draining because it always ends up in the same place. He tries to get me back where he wants me, I relax a bit because he’s consistent and acting more or less normal, then he starts the silent treatments, approach/avoid, chaos-causing behavior, I blow up and call him every name under the sun, and then I realize that what he wants is the attention. It doesn’t matter what form it takes. As they say, the only way to deal with these types is to completely ignore them, but that’s easier said than done.
My ex is trying to come back around after two years. I’ve spent hours in therapy talking about what he did. It’s as if a part of me can’t remember all the bad stuff. I keep replaying the good stuff in my head. When he left me (suddenly, after texting me that morning that he loved me), he said, “I destroy people. That’s what I do.” I said, “Well, you’ve destroyed me.” He said, “This is nothing.” You’d think that would be enough that two years later I would ignore his messages to me. But I want to let him back in. I feel like an addict (thank you for your post ‘Take me to your dealer’) yearning for that drug. I’ve been praying so hard, and talking to my therapist and best friend about it, trying my hardest not to reply. In my mind though, I just want one more kiss. One more hug. To sleep next to him one more time. It’s torture.
i understand the desire to be with your sociopath again. Please fight it. They lie. A sociopath cannot love – literally. They attach, mirror you to be the person you need, feed off your emotional energy, then move on after exhausting your supply – or they move on because they have found another person they think will excite them more. They manipulate, brainwash, seduce and ultimately destroy. I am struggling with something called “cognitive dissonance”, which is mental stress that is caused by holding two conflicting beliefs. On one hand, my thoughts are “he’s kind, decent and loves me…this has to be a misunderstanding”….but I’ve uncovered big and little lies that were woven in our daily life, his addiction to porn, prostitutes and cheating – as in, I found him on a website to find anonymous sex partners – not decent! And he had begun the devaluing phase of our relationship – the active abuse (sexual and emotional) – when it all became clear to me. When his mask slipped, the red flags became very obvious. Please, for your own sake – your sanity and self-worth – please avoid him. There must be no contact with your sociopath. None. Otherwise he will work his way back in. Don’t allow it – even to ask “why”. The why is, they are not able to have real, healthy relationships because their brains are incapable of the emotional depth it takes to be a good partner or good member of society. Good luck.
Hi Nikki,
I’m really grateful to find your website. I just got out from a toxic relationship which I start to think he is most likely a sociopath after leaving him.
He is a colleague and I just moved to this new place. I was lonely and in need of company and love. He is married. However he kept coming after me telling me how unhappy he is in his marriage. He says that he loves me and he wants to protect me and provide me with everything that I ever wanted. He wants to give me a family. He also told me about all his affairs which amounting up to 7 or 8 because he is unhappy with his marriage. However he is hitting hard on me asking me to marry him and he moved into my house really fast. I was so happy to meet someone who really knows me as we have similar interest. I then sacrifice myself by being his sexual partner (which he is very much addicted and having a big appetite for sex), being his maid, cook, financial advisor and his mum. He lavished me with gifts. He loves to have me worshipping him and being his biggest fan. He did request a divorce from his wife however when I was not around because of work he will travel to ask his wife to stay. I was so insecure because somehow my gut is telling me that he will not have chosen me over his wife and true enough I found out they were together despite him asking a divorce from her. During a confrontation between me and him and his wife, he made a chose to stay with his wife. I was very hurt however the next day he came to me begging me to stay however telling me I’m not to tell his wife. I refuse to be together with him. From time to time he will tell me he misses me and he loves me, asking for sexual favours which I refused. 2 weeks after leaving him, he found a reason and came to my house and rape me. I was left really broken and sad. When I confronted him about his act, he was not remorseful and he told me that I am overthinking things and I should get on with my life. When I asked him what is he trying to achieve by asking me to stay, I realised that he has no plans at all. He will paint a really nice future with me however I also do know he will paint a similar picture with his wife. When I confronted him about it, he says he can go both ways and he has not made up his mind who he wants. I told him I will make the decision for him by leaving him. After the rape, because he saw that I was really hurt he stopped coming after me. But that is because he has a big project at work. At work he is a very competitive person who always loves to win and he is very charming to the bosses. He is very demanding and he wants me all to himself. He is unhappy when I have my own life. He is unhappy because I told him that I will never put him 1st.
I really do hope I can come out from this stronger and you are a big encouragement to me.
Thank you
Bunny
Thank you Bunny. One day at a time. Focus on you. Love you.
Hi Bunny,
It has been two years since you wrote this. I am wondering where that relationship is today. I went through this exact same thing and can relate. I hope you are out of that mess and doing well in life now.
My ex shares so many narc qualities but I’m still really confused if he is just callous or he truly is a sociopath. I would really appreciate someone taking the time to ready my story and give me your thoughts (without judgement please).
When I met him I had just come out of a long term relationship and he seemed really fun an easy to be around. I knew he was seeing other women as he referenced it frequently, was out every weekend in bars and strip clubs and even threw an empty box of condoms at me after the first time we had been intimate. None of this bothered me because all I was in for was casual. It was at the eight month point that I learned he was engaged and shortly getting married and this again didn’t bother me since I was in a string of girls and didn’t see this as long term. I actually found it comforting that I could leave at any point.
Well you all know how it goes, feelings form and all of a sudden you are in this love vortex and have no idea how you got there but it feels wonderful. I stopped asking about his life because it was too painful to hear the details and was with him on and off for six years..
Things about him
– He told me he came from a military background in some type of intelligence unit, so when I asked about his past he often told me he could not say and that he was so used to lying about it that he couldn’t remember what was true
– The stories he would tell me about his military past always involved the bad decisions he had to make and the lives he sacrificed. How he carried this weight around with him (was this evoking pity?) He told me that he used sex with women (other than his wife) to feel better about this lingering guilt.
– He is very charming and witty but he has lots of family and long term friends.
– He owns his own company and has been steadily building it for 5 plus years
– He told me that I was his one true love and constantly showered me with time and affection. This never stopped and I never got any rage or criticizing
– He always talked about when we would eventually get married but I would brush this off or shut him down
– He constantly tried to make me jealous, at first with other girls he was screwing and later with girls that he claimed not to be screwing but were in his life (but never with his wife)
– the only time we ever really fought is when I would end things because I didn’t want to be the other woman but after a couple of months he’d call and catch me at a weak moment and we start off as friends and things would heat up. He would always recount how horrific those months without me were
– My final straw was that in the last 2 years he told me that he had changed, he was done cheating on his wife and that I “didn’t count”. He wasn’t interested in other girls and that I had helped to change him. I had huge trust issues in general but we had a talk and I told him I would not hold him accountable for his past and that we would work on building trust. I found out he had been dating another girl for 5 months. I immediately went no contact. He showed up at my work and I told him that he should never contact me and is dead to me and then blocked him from everything.
The thing is I am not hurt or sad. I feel fooled and angry for trusting this person but I just can’t determine if he is a sociopath or just a pathological cheater/womanizer.
It does not matter what he is. The truth is he is a dirt bag who treated you wrong. Who took your trust and abused it. You can do so much better.
Hey all,
I’m so grateful for this website. It is making so many things clear form and… admittedly… also freak out a bit.
I found the website as I am finally starting to say goodbye to a fling with a psychopath (1 month good, 1 month bad) that was back in August last year (!!!) and I need to find reassurance. Long story, sorry.
I’m a gay man and the person in question was an allegedly bisexual man, highly performing at work and who openly told me about having taken part in group beatings as a teenager. Furthermore, he even uttered the sentence “a hole is a hole” concerning his bisexuality. How could I not have run away instantly? This is my NUMBER ONE question to myself and the thing for which I have to forgive myself. I was weak at the time.
What happened for me to cling onto him was that once, as we were having sex (of course me as the receiver because he would never have allowed me to take control), the condom broke and he ejaculated inside of me. I’m telling myself now that he obviously manipulated it for it to break. After that, he sort of forced me to let him penetrate me without a condom (“just the tip” which he had conveniently lubricated already) and I gave in in the end.
As I had started to notice his suspicious behaviour, I became afraid of him being a promiscuous bastard as all psychopaths are, so I comforted myself by trying to see what he WAS a good person. But he wasn’t. He ridiculed me, made fun of my body, made me feel worthless and yet there I was. Stockholm syndrome if you wish. I had to wait four weeks to get tested and fortunately everything came out negative. After this I was ready to let him go. However, he reappeared and there’s no need to tell how I fell back into the trap… But this time, I wrote to him “goodbye” after he rejected my attempt to see him for the third time.
Well, it turns out now, 5 months later, that he did infect me with something. Warts, to be precise. When I found this out, I wanted to contact him and let him know. Inform in a friendly manner. But obviously, this was a trick for me to feel the rush of receiving an answer from him. Thankfully, someone close to me told me that he would turn it around and say that I gave it to him instead. So I refrained. And I now recur to this forum.
What is crazy as I read this is that I realise that the “crazy” ex-boyfriend whom I broke up with in January last year was a clear psychopath, though with more narcissistic traits. This thought makes it even more frustrating because: why did I fall for an even scarier beast after finally being able to break free from the previous one??
I’ve learnt now at least exactly what to look out for and I’m sure I’ll come out stronger once that devil is completely gone from my body.
I’ve lost all hope in men and see everyone with suspicion now! But that may ultimately be better than naivety.
Thank you reading :-*
I forgot to mention that he probably filmed us during sex too, which is what worries me the most! And I’m aware that I won’t be able to do anything about it…
Hi i am pleased that you found us. It sounds like you might benefit from some time alone to love and cherish you. Bad people are out there. But not everybody is bad.
It has been 2 1/2 years since I ended all contact with my ex-nightmare. His house that we shared was foreclosed on and from what I can tell he has moved an hour and a half’s drive away. Finally, I felt like I was freed of worrying about him turning up where I might be. Boy, was I wrong. At least once a month, he turns up in a local watering hole where I meet friends. I know deep down he does this to continue to have control over me, even if it’s indirectly. The friends he “needs” to visit are my friends and they know not to discuss my life, but they share what he’s up to, and as we’d expect, he’s off to his next victim. Same lines, same story, I’m so glad he’s out of my life, but because of what he did to me, I’m still alone. I’ve told my friends that I don’t want to know anymore, but I feel like this will truly never end and I’ll never be able to have a normal relationship…
You will get there Susan. One day you will wake up and not care anymore. I thought I’d never get there either but I have. I can finally hear from him and not jump to attention and not get angry either. Indifference is your friend!
Thank you, Valerie! I’m so, so much better off, in so many ways. I know that my life, even alone, is better without this twisted person in it. I see what he’s doing. I see that he needs to come back to let everyone know how “great” he’s doing because he knows it will get to me. I’m just so tired of the game, and I just want to be left alone to get on with my life. Moments like what happened this past weekend are much fewer and farther between, and I think our healing is more circular…we revisit the pain and the hurt, but spend less time and feel it less acutely ever time we pass.
Hi Susan Your life alone is definitely better without him in it, and you won’t be alone forever! I agree that the healing is circular and eventually the pain passes. Two steps forward, one step back.
Today is the five year anniversary of my awakening and the end of my relationship with the sociopath. While I’m aware of the date and still feel anger and pain, I’m proud of myself and the life I’ve built. I have a great job that I enjoy and am in a relationship with someone who is willing to help me sort out what still nags at me, and may always. This site has been a huge support in that journey and I’m so grateful for you all! I’ve maintained no contact, and I promise that it helps the healing process to do so. I’m living proof that wherever you are now in your journey, there are better days ahead. Keep pointing yourselves in that direction and believe. Peace and much love to you all!
Hi Susan. Thank you so much for your feedback and to let us know how things are going in your life today. It also hit five years this year that he left my city and I was finally free. It sounds like you have done a lot of work on yourself and to rebuild yourself and life. Well done. Keep smiling and being happy 🙂 your positive message will help others I am sure.
I have switched from reliving the most awful day of my life to celebrating the birth of the person I am today. I remember the night I found this site and realized that I was not alone, and if I can give someone else hope, I would be honored by that!
1 month passed since he left,that pain is still feels strong sometimes.He discarded me before Christmas and right after that,he posted Instagram pictures with his new gf (like a lot of picture). i still remember he said it out without A SINGLE APOLOGIZE/GUILTY and i cried for a whole damn weeks for that.We had a LDR for 4 months and i always remember those promise he made before the discard,and those words that he said like “i miss you,i wont leave you,bla bla bla.
Just a few days ago,he blocked me on Instagram.and that cause a SECOND damage to me.I cant get over it and started to feel useless and it feels like my fault because difference in nationality and religion.After that,i started to search on internet trying to find an answer for myself.Really,i still feel lost and hurt.Today i made a decision to block him on facebook I realize i gotta get rid of this person,pick up the pieces,while collecting information to make myself see clearer(realized that he is actually flirting with the new gf while still date me).Strangely,i keep feeling that i am going to start a new life.I dont know its a good one or a bad one.But i hope i dont do anything that i hurt myself in the future.I am not sure if he is a narcassist but until now,i am still lost and i just need someone to share my story with.
From,lost
After 20 years of being married to a psychopath, and now 35 years DIVORCED and RECOVERED from that nightmare…..I am just now learning that I AM NOT ALONE!!
And NOW……I am just now realizing that my daughter might just be a psychopath too!! She and he are very close and I’m the “Bad Wife/Mom” and I will always LOVE my daughter and 3 grandchildren….but I’m so much better off when I don’t hear from my daughter.
Being an only child, she expects to inherit everything I have…..(NOT gonna happen……I’ve already make the legal changes). But she dangles pictures of the grandchildren in front of me like a carrot just to see if I’m still alive! I don’t know what she has told them, but they are afraid to communicate with me. And I hesitate to try to communicate with them for fear they will suffer consequences….maybe because they might accidentally tell me something the aren’t suppose to divulge.
Psychopaths are LIARS……and will damage even their own children.
You and I might perhaps be around the same age. As all stories on this site, every single one, it appears, affects the readers, pretty much the same ways bc narc/soc/psypaths, create pretty much the same scenarios across ages, genders, time with their “victims”, us the “empaths” or whatever we want to call them/us, as collectively agreed upon terms perhaps bc it IS important and pertinent as more and more are waking up to this “silent killer” bc well, it’s the 21st century now. The whole “atmosphere” of the world these days, feels more and more ominous; more “rumbly”.
I have a similar story with my n/s/p and how it ended as yours…..with he after about the same length time as you and yours, 22 years, 2 daughters, how he took it, unbelievable but yet not, how he took to similar “bad mother/wife” crap. The slow ever increasing inflating of tactics, techniques, etc etc etc, used by these abusers, wreaking the serious turmoil and devastation it/they cause to whomever and how ever many.
I stayed. I have to be held accountable for that.
It is a slow progression. Nevertheless, progression.
Your post is about a year old. I do not know if you will see my post here but if you do, please hit me up (hmu) through email. I would love to connect with you…..
Hi, yes I can see this comment. I do still manage this website, twitter account, facebook. And do write articles here still sometimes.
I was trapped in his box. Waiting. Sometimes he’d take me out to play with. Sometimes he’d scare me. Usually he’d leave me inside to torture me. Sometimes he’d make me feel amazing to keep me on the hook. Sometimes he’d hide and act sick to keep me curious. Sometimes I was scared he’d die.
You’re Beautiful. It’s all in your mind.
Then he’d put me back. Then it was all black.
Hello…I didn’t truly understand what a sociopath was. There were immediate red flags from the very beginning. I had recently gone through a divorce so when I mention the signs (red flags) which to someone who hasn’t delt with a sociopath seem very subtle.
It’s been ten years since I first met him and I guess I started feeling like myself again approximately a 1 1/2 ago. While in it, I felt like someone performed a war tactic on me. I pay very close attention to detail and am a very good judge of character so I was constantly questioning some of the tihings that he told me but I loved him. I was tring to also prove to others around me that I was over my ex-husband and which I was. Also perople around me called me picky. After going through all that I have been through. they can call me whatever. I am going with my gut from now on.
When it was finally over the gaslighting really kicked in. I thought that him staying involved with people in his past was weird but didn’t make any waves about it because he was so convincing that he just cared about people. One of the big things that I noticed was that he also seemed to be attracted to me. You know how you feel when you are with a man and you can feel him checking out another women, well he gave me that feeling around men. Also to me he sometimes had a boyish behavior. My ex was a police officer and could drive really good. The sociopath seem to have night vision probelms. He had so many of the traits. But as I read information, if he was never diagnosed or if he does eventually get tested and they same he isn’t a sociopath, he is not someone that I would want to be with or be around because he is a horrible human being.
Towards the end we disussed getting back together because I loved him so much. Economically I thought it would be feasible because we were both struggling and after all, I thought we were gonna be together for ever. I went to his home unexpectly and he was alread dating another woman. Long story short he told her in front of me that he wanted to be with me but that was because I have a job. I walked out of his house and was thinking to myself that he could do the same thing to me.
Long story short I moved in with him and cried from day one because once I was in the house I realized something was off with this guy. I cried for the entire 8 months I was there but from day one my goal was to get out. Once I moved back home, I googled why would this person stopy answer my phone calls when we first got togehter he smothered me to death with gifts and calls and that when I discovered I had been love bombed. I think after two months in the beginning of the relationship I said I hope he looks at me the way he ws looking at me then but in looking back it was those empty eyes. I realized the horrible things he would tell me were really horrible things that he had done (and for some creepy reason felt that way when he was saying them). I am very intune with my feelings and he was able to get away with it because I wanted it so bad. I read everything I could about sociopaths and could now probable teach a class on it. The maticulous dresser and clean person didn’t exist. Once I moved in, the door was no longer held for me. His kids are two unproductive human beings so I constantly told him that his life didn’t coorelate. He has taken a great deal from me and in looking back I gave him to much information on day one. I was in a very dark place after dating him but I’ve gained a large amount from this experience. The strange thing about a sociopath is that in the end they think you are still in love with them when I was just trying to gather information on his emptiness. I now actually feel sorry for him but from a distance because I couldn’t image not being able to feel all the wonderful things that I feel. What a horrible exist they live. So monters do exist. He always said that he had a wonderful monther. She was a single parent and they grew up in public housing. I think he was probably abused. Anyway, I could write a book about sociopaths but I really wish there was a public annoucement. I received so many gifts and beautiful bouquets that to me in the beginning it was actually creepy. I told my ex-husband I felt like he was breaking his neck to open doors for me…I guess what I was feeling is that it was natural. I do want a man to open doors for me….but his was diffent. Oh and he talked differently. I think a sociopath also gives you too much information because they are lying and they think this makes the lie more believable….it was always weird to me. Well that’s it and I all can say is go with your gut intinct. I apologize for any typos.
PS…I’m a better me because of this…I still cry but what gets me through is I remember that person doesn’t exist and never did 😀
Thanks for sharing your story Kim. They sure are an experience and will break your life so that you have no choice but to fix and heal you.
We wanted love and a relationship. Yet came away with the equivalent of a degree in psychology.
So I not only dated a sociopath, but I married him for 13.5 years.
When we got together he was 29, broke, living in a studio apartment within walking distance to his job (he did have a job).
I was a 38 y/o successful RN with a decent income and a brand new home.
After 6 months of dating he moved in and we got engaged. But the money started pouring out the door. I now realize I was broke the minute he came into my life. He had never seen the kind of money I made before and half of his paychecks went to child support for a child in a previous marriage. I now ask – why I never saw the signs but I was taken by him, and the fun and partnership he brought to my life.
We were married at the one year mark. he worked throughout the first 8 years of our marriage, but he was a minimalist. We had expensive tastes and liked nice vacations, nice electronics and he always wanted to have the newest and the best. He did his M-F 0700-1530 day job, and I did mine, except I also worked 12-24 hours on the weekend to always bring in extra money for the things we liked. He always wanted more, he wanted his own business so he didn’t have to work for anyone else – I think he really just didn’t want to work and wanted someone else to run his business (bar/restaurant). He had no experience and refused to work extra to learn the business.
He was eventually fired by his long time job (hospital security) on my 50th birthday, that’s when I believe his downhill spiral started.
He didn’t invest time into looking for work. He always said he didn’t see anything that sounded interesting. Mind you, at this point I was doing it all and I didn’t care if it was interested or not, he needed an income (we needed an income). He felt like he was contributing because he had an unemployment check coming in, but I had to send most of that to his first ex-wife for child support.
After 7 months of him being lazy, coming to bed at 0300 in the morning after playing on his computer and sitting and watching TV when I got home from work, we decided that maybe if we moved and relocated he would have a fresh attempt at looking for work in another city.
We packed up and moved from Washington state to Arizona. He had never felt what it was like to completely start over, so a big move it was.
He arrived in Arizona 3 months before me and his only task was to locate a job and finish his last two classes for his bachelor degree. I arrived three months later, and because I was a nurse with a Grad degree, I already had a job waiting.
with a month of me arriving to Arizona he took a job setting up retirements. It was a commission only job. Now because we are in a different state his unemployment ran out, and out income just seemed to get worse /tighter. He had a job, but lacked motivation and did not bring in an income. I again was working all week, plus 12-24 hours on the weekend, to keep the rent paid, gas in the cars, food on the table, but he still had expensive tastes and he also would not sacrifice his wants. He always had alcohol and he always wanted to eat in restaurants.
After 8 months of no income he was fired from that job. Again I was doing it all, working, housekeeping, paying the bills and sacrificing and struggling.
he went another 3 months without an income or trying to find work. I finally told him that he had three months to land a steady income or I was heading back to Washington. Message received. He landed a great job in university security.
Now please understand there were a lot of fun times in our marriage, in the early years, great vacations, nice clothes, good friends. But I really got angry, when I had to do it all and he didn’t seem to care.
After he got the university job, things seemed to start getting better, he was working fulltime, I was starting to put money away for a vacation, finally after the dry spell of no vacations for 4 years. Not lets also keep in mind, through all of this he never spent time finishing his last class that he needed for his bachelors in management degree – he had not worked on this last class for 3 years.
But I was convinced that we were going to make it, things were looking up. He wanted a new car and since we had to drive an hour each way to work, we ended up getting new reliable cars and we moved out of the city.
I always found a way to give him everything he wanted, I thought that’s what a successful marriage does, you work hard, and give to each other, and trying and make your partner happy.
then the day came- he left for work as usual, and then there was the horrible knock on the door. It was the police, I opened the door to 14 shotguns in my face and a search warrant. My husband was arrested for 10 counts of child pornography. Now I know what he was always doing on the computer late at night while I slept.
And to make matters worse he was cheating on me with one of my best friends. So long story short, I sacrificed and sacrificed to make him happy and he thanked me by cheating on me and doing something so deplorable as possession and sharing of child porn, of all ages. We are now divorced, he took a plea deal for 12 years in prison. I actually tried to stay friends with him, and I cant honestly tell you why, except that I felt sorry for him. He had a way of making me feel sorry for him. For the next year and half, his letters got more pitiful, meaner, sarcastic and he kept telling me how terrible I was for not visiting, and for not waiting for him. I just could live my future the way I lived my past. always doing it all and always broke.
He is now in prison, laying on a bunk everyday, all day, and I am trying to recover my life. He left me with 60K in collections (that I am slowly cleaning up) and now he is threatening me (extortion). Basically he said in his last letter (I am now refusing his mail) if I give him $50K when he gets out of prison, he will walk away like he never knew me, no questions but if I make the wrong decision, and don’t give him the money he plans on spending the next 10 years in prison, figuring out ways to ruin me, financially, he will finds ways to eat up my retirement, and my house and he wont quit until I am homeless and on the streets just like he will be. His future is terrible (lifetime registered sex offender and life time probation), but he made bad choices, and I cant/wont fix him any longer.
I do know if I need a restraining order or if I will need to move in my future. But I am now done with him. He cant tell me how terrible I am any longer, because he says he deserves a chance to makes this up to me and I will never respect or trust him again.
I feel like god took him out of my life so I have a second chance to start over, and now I have to stop wondering why I was not enough for him.
Hi Pat, thank you so much for your comment. I read it all, and could relate to so much of what you say. I can really empathise with how you are feeling right now. I even understand why, after all he did you felt sorry for him, and that you kept in contact with him in prison.
I think your determination of who he is, is not far off the mark. I see signs of sociopathic behaviour. What you are describing now, about the threats towards you, is also classic behaviour.
BREATH….. you can do this. This man likely worked hard on brainwashing you, which would have gone on for a very long time. It can be difficult, and confusing to move away swiftly from emotional abuse.
I would advise you to look into the topics of trauma bonding and stockholm syndrome.
I want you to remember, that YOU have the power here. He is locked up in Jail, and will be there for a considerable time. You now have an opportunity to rebuild your life. I don’t think that he should be sending you malicious, threatening communication from Jail. I would take this further. It is now time for you to reclaim your life.
I know that it might be tempting to look back to the good times, and for the brain to filter out the bad. But this man has taken so much of your life, and he would continue to control you from a prison cell if you allow it.
NO MORE.
You can really do this. You have your qualifications and your career to fall back on. Please cut communication with him. And take action to ensure that his communication towards you, is also cut.
At first this might be painful, as this man has groomed you for a considerable period of time. But it will be so worth it. It doesn’t matter how many years he had taken from you, what matters now is taking your own life back.
Read back through this blog from the beginning. Starting in 2013, the posts are quite healing, my own work was in homeless sector, i wrote this to help other people, while he was still around in my life. I know when I finally did break free, posts on this site, did help me.
I wish you so much health, recovery and healing. It wasn’t that you were not enough for him. He is disordered. He always has been. He always will be. Nothing will ever change that. I promise you, one day when you are fully free away from his threats, control and grooming, that you will look back and wonder how the hell that ever happened.
Also, I wanted to tell you that you are an incredible woman. I too lived in a stunning brand new house when I met him. I also had a degree and a professional career. I let it all go. You didn’t. I cleared the debts, and am now trying to rebuild my life. I admire you, that you kept going, and you still have those stable foundations in your life.
Time to rebuild with the foundations that you have in your life. It will be the best thing that you have ever done. Also, you will have wisdom that you did not have before, and spiritual growth, it has been a horrible journey. But you are free….. you can really do this.
Thank you so much for the kind words, support and most importantly for sharing and listening. I will take your advice on all. I think my tenaciousness for survival came from my 21 years of time spent in the US Air Force, there is no quitting there, only courage and confidence.
I have stopped his mail from delivery, and blocked the prison phone number, he is on his own now, every day is progress and rebuilding. I just wished I had recognized this all sooner. But I will succeed. I believe that God does not give you what you cant handle.
thank you again, I will be following all your work here and learning from everyone.
Keep going Pat. It is one day at a time you are incredibly strong and brave. You might not know it but the hardest part is over. You have done the right thing by blocking him from further contact.
Hello everyone,
I have been posting here a while ago, when i broke up with my ex sociopath. I had been with him for two years almost until I realized what was going on and then it took me a bit to get out of the relationship.
Anyway, after 1.5 years I just met someone again who seems to be a great fit for me and who I’d consider dating. There were few people I had sex with or was casually dating throughout but this is the first guy that seems to have a lot in common with me and that I would consider having something more serious with.
However, I would really appreciate some input or opinions on this!
I have only known this person for 1.5 weeks.
After the initial few days of pink glasses I am now worried that he might be another narc or sociopath in disguise as things seem to be almost „too good to be true“, just by the amount of things we agree on and the values we share and how attracted we already are to each other.
So here‘s the rundown:
I was on a dating site and matched with a guy who mentioned one of my picture with a „plant based“ clothing item, hence I asked is he plant based too. He said no he loves meat, but his friend who he is just visiting also is plantbased and very muscular. So since he was supposedly leaving town the next day anyway he gave me his friend‘s contact. He said he is a doctor and English/African heritage.
I was intrigued and started messaging with his friend, who is the guy in question. The next morning we talked on the phone for 2 hours and another hour in the evening, also texting all day. Both of us telling each other things how we see the world and what’s important to us and we always agreed! Now I don’t have a lot of information on my dating profile, so I don’t think there’s a way for someone to study me like that online. We agreed on meeting that week. So after texting a lot for 6 days we finally meet up. I was nervous but lost most of the nerves when we were together and it just felt natural. After our small date out in the public we went home to his place where we talked and I did end up staying the night and we did have sex. However he apologized the next day, saying he hopes I didn’t feel rushed or forced, which I didn’t. Two days later I saw him again and we spent more time together eating out and going to the park, him coming over and having sex again. He also was pretty open about where he came from/what he does. His family is a wealthy family from Africa, he is about to be a doctor and he has 4 job offers. He gives me compliments and tells me I’m funny all the time. We laugh a lot, we are very open with each other, he is talking about possible future trips together. He said he is very picky with women and his dad told him he wouldn’t find one because he is so picky. He said friends always try to set him up with someone and he usually doesn’t like it but that his friend did a good job with connecting us.
Now Because I’ve been scorned in the past and felt uneasy about the risk of getting involved with another sociopath I felt the urge to do a background check on him.
Everything he said is true, except when I asked him for his last name he had told me his middle name. Also his age comes up as 3 years older than he said he is and his birthday also varies by a few days. Now i don’t know how accurate the background checks are and why he would lie about small things like that in the first place when everything else he said is clearly true!
I do want to take things slow now to make sure I’m not falling head over heels, missing any possible signs.
He says he is a very patient person, that his last girlfriend was over jealous and some of his girlfriends would get upset because he didn’t tell them what to do or what not to wear and because he wasn’t controlling like other guys. Of course this is only one side of the story and could also not be true..
the way we met each other was so random and yet so perfect because everything seems to match between us. But now I am wondering if he could’ve set up the whole thing himself and „introduced me to himself“ with the disguise of being his friend from out of town?
Obviously I haven’t known him for very long and I need to take more time with this and just take things slow. I generally have a good feeling when I’m with him, I don’t feel pressured into anything even though some things are moving fast. I am planning to hold off a little bit with more sex for now and see what he says.
There are a few more details but this post is so long already and I really would love to hear what you guys think! Am I a Little over worried or would you see red flags in this? How should I proceed with this and how can I find out the truth about his name/birthdate without telling I did a background check?
I love the support of this thread so much and once again am grateful for anybody who reads this and shares their opinion or advice!
Much love,
K
My boyfriend is a sociopath
Hi Vickie does he have a diagnosis or is this something you identify with? Are you thinking about leaving?
I am convinced that my precious daughter, at 13, was dating a sociopath. I am afraid that she has deep scars from this and I am making her (against her will) see a counselor beginning next week. I have shared this blog with her to see if she can simply gain some insight. Being a former educator with additional counseling classes, I knew something “just was not right” from the beginning! “John” checked out great on paper, straight A’s, honors classes, etc., but I could tell immediately that he was like a chameleon, conforming to whoever he was with. He told me “all the right things” and quickly had “Betty” in love…hook, line, and sinker! I was very leery of him, but ignored my intuition (sadly). I asked about talking to his mother and maybe meeting her for lunch one day, and he quickly said… oh you do not want to meet my mom, she is a psyco atheist (knowing we were strong in our faith in God. I simply said I was not judgemental, which threw him off track, but he insisted on not giving me her number making one excuse after another. Convincing myself that maybe the mom just didn’t know about the relationship, I just chalked it up to being a teen (he is 15) and excused this “lie”! After “Betty” told him that she had anxiety at night, he quickly offered to leave their phones on facetime all night, so that my daughter could reach out to him if she needed anything during the night or was worried about anything (her hero) However, when she wanted to spend the night with friends, he would remind her that she could not sleep without being on facetime w him and she would tell me she just wanted to stay home. Once the social butterfly, Betty was trapped and felt like nothing but him made her happy. I would try and try to talk to her, but it was like talking to a tree!!! Once he had her wrapped, he started cheating on her, he would say he was sorry, he loved her more than anything, remind her that only he made her happy and that she could not live without him. She would take him back, he would continue to lie, fain illness for sympathy, said his stepdad beat him. etc. Basically, anything to get her back (he even had me feeling sorry for him). He cheated on her 3 times, sending nudes to other girls and telling them all of the same things he said to betty! She would always take him back and forget the bad focusing on how happy he made her on a day to day basis. He got her a necklace with his name on it and made her promise to never take it off! He said he never got any Christmas or Birthday gifts and of course we made up for that by spending over 500 between the 2 days!!! Finally I got a chance to meet with the mom, she was concerned that they were moving and wanted to let me know. She told me that “John” had been talking to another girl sometimes at night (some nights he would “accidentally” fall asleep and I knew that was a lie! She wondered if he and Ally had broken up…I told her about the cheating and some of the “lies” that I suspected. She said she was not an atheist, his step dad was literally nothing but good to John even though Owen hated him, He literally got over 1000.00 worth of presents and so many other lies. She said it was all “attention seeking” behavior since she and his dad split up. I told her he needed counseling, she and the dad really needed to gain control back but that he is forbidden to talk to my daughter, or a restraining order will be placed. On top of all of this, I found out that they had sex on many occasions without me knowing and that he had a “porn Problem” Needless to say, as a mom, I am crushed to know that my daughter has been through all of this at such an early age, I can’t take it back, but hopefully we can MOVE ON!!!! How does a person do this kind of thing and at such an early age!!! I am still filled with anger, but trying to take it day by day. I am thinking of seeing a counselor too. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for letting them date and not putting an end to it sooner!
Hi Alexa, how old is he? A diagnosis wouldn’t be given to someone prior to the age of 18. Although they could be diagnosed with conduct disorder. How old is your daughter now? Maybe you seeing a counsellor could be beneficial to work through how you are feeling. What has happened is not your fault, although it is a normal parental response to feel that it is. I couldn’t say whether he is a sociopath, as I don’t know him and he is young.
She is 13 and he is 15.
He definitely has tendencies/characteristics as described in your blog and I did not know that people could actually be labeled a sociopath. He def has attention seeking behavior and I hope he gets help.
Moderator – can i please take my name on the above off the post, I didn’t know it would be shown publically, please? Call me Dorabella instead, or anything, thank you.
Am so sorry it has taken me so long. As I am on my phone I couldn’t amend your name like I would have liked. I have deleted your comment.
My abuser is not a diagnosed sociopath but just from reading the comments and reading the traits of a sociopath; I am almost certain he is one. I’ve been with my abuser for 4 and a half years. We were friends for 5 years prior. He began pursuing me whilst I was already in a commited relationship. During our relationship, I was naive and thought that this man was the one for me. He seemed too perfect. He began telling me of his horrible ex gfs and how they all cheated on him. However in the beginning of the relationship he still kept in contact with his “horrible ex gf”. I was uncomfortable with it but kept assuring myself that is was harmless until she started attacking me on social media. It was then that he decided to cut all contact with her, or so I thought. My relationship was filled with so much physical and mental abuse, it started at least 9 months into the relationship. In the beginning he was sorry and said he would seek counseling….I believed him. However, he never seeked couseling. His excuse was that his job would find out. He worked in law enforcement…part time. He did not want to pursue a full time position because he enjoyed the freedom of a part time position. After much persistance from me, he finally pursued a full time position; 3 years later. As the years gone by and more abuse came, he began telling me that he will no longer seek counseling because he felt like it didn’t work. So my only option was to accept him for who he is and to take the beating. All of our arguments began because I found out that he’s been keeping secrets from me and his inability to be faithful to me. He cheated on my physically 2x in our 4 year relationship. Two week prior to our breakup, I found an SD card that was filled with porn and countless of pictures of his “horrible ex gfs.” His excuse was that I wasn’t fulfilling his needs. He broke the SD card and said it was his last time to ever hurt me like that. He had these files saved during our entire relationship! A week after that incident, more pictures began to resurface. He had another file saved somewhere! I remember crying…alot..during our whole relationship…and he felt no remorse..no empathy. Not one “I’m sorry”, instead he told me that I didn’t deserve him or he was oblivious to the fact that I was crying inconsolably. Our entire relationship he gaslighted me. One example; when I found the pictures, he made me believe that it might have resurfaced after he deleted it? Like the phone glitched. That phone is synced to other devices and he was able to retrieve the pictures via Google Images. I didn’t find this out until after we broke up when I had confided in my friend about it. He made me feel stupid all the time, telling me that I’m getting older and my memory is horrible. Or he would say something and completely deny ever saying it even if I had proof. He even had multiple of email accounts; plenty were used to have another identity on social media and engage in pornographic sites. I did not know this until the day we broke things off. During our relationship he made me lose all contact with my friends..my family. His excuse was that he wanted to keep me all to himself. During our last argument he began punching my head while we were driving after he attempted to bump me with my own vehicle. It was then that I finally had had enough. The police got involved and he’s been in jail ever since. I refuse to be a part of his case because I do not want to see him.
This guy broke me…mentally, emotionally. My confidence is at an all time low. I am now taking therapy and it’s helping. Even though he was so horrible, it is taking so much willpower not to run back. Thank goodness for my family and friends for reminding me of what an asshole he was, and thank goodness for forums like this.
Hi
Sorry if this story appears twice. I don’t think the first one went through properly.
I am not to sure if my ex is a narcissist or has some other kind of personality disorder. I have been reading up about covert narcissists. I didn’t think anything of it while we were friends or together. He just seemed normal. Although I did notice how passive aggressive he was, he was 2 faced, victim mentality and he easily removed people from his life. He seemed to have high expectations of people and high standards.
Some of this stories were concerning. One including a twin swap where he pretended to be his twin and almost had sex with his twins partner. His twin was having a shower and was oblivious to it. He did it as a joke. I couldn’t listen to the rest of the story so I walked out of the room.
This is the story of our break up.
I was with my boyfriend for 6 months. We worked together for a year previously. So we knew each other quite well as we sat next to each other. We hung out after hours. Spoke every night and on weekends and messaging all the time. He lost his job and moved a 2 hour drive away. We got together. The long distance didn’t bother either of us and we saw each other most weekends.
Everything was going so wonderfully. I really felt like I had met the one. I met his family 6 weeks in and he met mine 4 months in (my parents travel a lot). He always mentioned about me moving in with him. His mum and roommate made comments about me moving in as well. He made comments in front of my mum about me moving in too. So I finally agreed.
He was so excited and a mutual friend even commented about how excited he seemed to be. I met some of his extended family, more comments from his mum about me moving and his uncle telling us to enjoy our time together before kids came along.
All was going well. I went to get boxes and started to pack my house up. I resigned from my job. He started to spiral into depression and anxiety. Keeping me in the loop the whole time. He seemed to get better. (He has depression and anxiety and had some bad relationships in the past apparently). A week later he spiralled again. He could barely talk to me. He kept apologising. I confirmed that he still wanted me to move in with him, he said yes. 12 hours later he told me that the move was f***ing with his head. I was great with it and told him that I didn’t have to move etc. i asked if he still wanted to be with me and he said that he did and just needed time. I was lucky enough to be able to get my job back (which I ended up leaving anyway cause it was toxic). He said that he has to stop talking about it. I asked if I could call him that night; which I did. I suggested taking it slower and he said yes. He wasn’t very engaging.
The following weekend he came over. He was like a zombie. We went out to a cafe for lunch and came home. When we were driving he sent a text to someone with a love heart and kissing emoji. He saw that I saw it. He said that it was a friend “A” and him and “A” were messing around the night before telling each other they loved each other. I didn’t even question it further.
I grabbed his hand and he grabbed mine. He asked if he could ask me something. I said yes. He asked if it was ok if he took a step back. I agreed as I just wanted him to get better. I cried a bit. He grabbed his phone and opened it up when I saw photos he created in a photoshop app that said his initials loves initials I didn’t recognise. And another one saying “I love you”. It didn’t even register to me. he eventually left. Without the dog I was looking after over the past 5 months. Just said that I will still see him as his dog will still be there.
I made those desperate, typical “I still want to be with you” phone calls. We still communicated. We tried to have a friendship. The whole time I was trying to work out what I had seen. It made no sense to me. 4 days after our break up, he added a woman with those initials to Instagram, 2 weeks later to Facebook.
During this time also, we had some intimate phone calls. I ended up asking if he saw a future with me. Long silence, where I laughed and said that he can say no. He then told me that he was cheated on, stolen from and used. Gave me a run down of his ex’s. Said that he could do more stuff when single. I asked if he preferred to be single, he said yes. I told him that it’s a shame I couldn’t change his mind.
5 weeks after the break up, he came and collected his dog. He gave me a couple of amazing cuddles that lasted a couple of minutes each and gave me a kiss on the lips when he left.
I went into depression and anxiety. We contacted each other a couple of times. He asked me for a couple of favours. That was about it.
I went overseas for a holiday a month after seeing him the last time. He was still looking at my Instagram stories. While I was over there, he had tagged her in a post on Instagram. This was 2 months after our break up and no other interactions had occurred that I saw, her profile is private. So I asked him about the text that I saw. He said that it was nothing, honestly. Just his godfathers daughter going through a hard time. 5 days later he blocked me on Instagram. A week after that he blocked me from facebook. I asked about the blocking and he said that he was told by the doctor to distance himself from social media. Right……I went into No contact. A month later he changed his relationship status to single. He also removed a good friend of ours from Facebook. I also noticed that I was unblocked on Facebook but not Instagram. So he has gone to check my profile or something. You can still unblock someone if they have deactivated their account (which I did).
I admit that I dragged it out. I am not good at confrontation and I didn’t want to upset him and accuse him of something. I also wanted to hold onto a friendship….crazy of me.
I held all these feelings in. I felt bad for asking that question about the text.
I had been writing an email. Last week I finally sent it. It wasn’t nasty. Just told him how I felt during that break up and telling him how inappropriate it was to tell me about his cold feet the way he did. I got a lot off my chest. I also thanked him for letting me into his world. I also told him about the pictures I saw. I have since been sleeping amazingly. I don’t expect a response. It would be nice to get answers but he won’t give those to me.
2 days after I sent the email, he deleted mutual friends that we worked with off Facebook and unfollowed them on Instagram. Guessing he read it.
I have started to see a therapist. I felt used. I also feel stupid for my behaviour after the break up. That I didn’t ask about the things I saw sooner. Also, if he was with someone else, I feel ashamed of my behaviour of having those intimate moments with him.
I just found out that the guy I’ve been seeing for the past 3 years has been living a double life – he’s married and I was unknowingly the other woman.
We started off as co-workers and there was instant chemistry between us. He was charismatic and charming and I was completely drawn to him. We would talk all day at work through our IM system (7-8 hours) and then another hour before bed every night. Admittedly, when this started, I knew he was engaged, but even against my best judgment, we continued our emotional affair. Everything between us just clicked and I thought he was my soulmate. He knew more about me and understood me better than anyone ever had, and he would tell me the same. I had never loved someone so deeply before. Eventually things became physical and he told me he would call off the engagement, that I was his perfect match and that he wanted to be with me. There was always a sob story about why he couldn’t though. First he said he tried to call it off with her, but that he had a panic attack. And then he had another one the next morning. I felt bad and didn’t want to add to his stress, so I backed off with asking and believed that he would do it on his own time. Then he said he talked to his parents about it and they threatened to disown him if he called it off. All the while he was promising me that he was working on it though and that it would happen. Well that never happened. A week before the wedding he told me he couldn’t go through with calling it off and I was completely heartbroken and told him it was over – I couldn’t continue having an affair if he was a married man. The night before the wedding though, I had countless texts from him:
“Calling off a wedding is a dick move, whereas a divorce is ‘We tried, it didn’t work’. I know I shouldn’t care what people think, but I do, so I think this is what’s best for the long-term. I’m telling you right now that you’re not going to lose me forever like you think you will. Just because I’m handcuffed and have to go through with this doesn’t mean I want to and doesn’t mean I don’t love you more than anything in the world. A marriage where all I can think about is another girl isn’t one I can see myself being happy with. I promise you I’m going to make this right. I love you too much to wonder “what if” for the rest of my life and care about you too much to see you unhappy. It kills me that you’re having one second of sadness because of me, but if you let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.”
Do you know how hard it is to walk away from someone that’s saying that to you? He knew exactly all the right things to say. So when he got back from his honeymoon and he said he would be filing for divorce soon, I believed him and we started up again. And as far as I knew from that point on, the divorce was underway. Not only was he telling me it was, but I was seeing details about it with my own two eyes. He showed up to work one day with his entire closet in the backseat of his car saying that he had moved out and would be staying with his parents for the time being. He started showing up to work about 10-15 minutes later every day after that and blamed it on the new commute. I would even see him leave work and make a right towards his parents house instead of the left he used to take. I had no reason to believe he was lying to me.
Things between us were a little weirder than they had been before though. He wasn’t coming over as often, he had stopped sending me all the cute texts that he used to, and he still didn’t want to tell people at work about us or introduce me to his friends or family, even though he had met mine. I would get fed up and tell him that I was tired of being some big secret, that I wanted a normal relationship. He’d blame it on the fact that he was affected by the divorce more than he thought he would be and just needed a little time to heal before he was ready to fully commit to me. I would feel bad then for pushing him too soon and agree to give him some space, thinking that’s what was best for the long-term. This went on for about 2 more years. It was a cycle of me getting impatient and wanting more, and telling him we needed to take a break for him to get his shit together. Within a week, he’d always come back telling me he missed me and that he thought a lot about it and was ready to give it a try for real. And for a few weeks after that he would, but then he would slip back into his old ways and the cycle would repeat. He was always giving me just enough to hang on though. He even went so far as to tell me a whole sob story about how he was seeing a therapist to help him get over the divorce and be less selfish so that he could be the man I needed him to be in a relationship. I knew it was stupid, but he was like a drug that I had to keep going back to, even though he kept hurting me over and over.
During this time, their house went up for sale and sold within a week and he told me that was the last step of the divorce and that everything was finalized. I even saw the real estate listing so I knew it was true. I thought everything was finally working out the way he said it would and that we could get our relationship started for real.
I started catching him in a lot of lies after this though. The biggest one being that I had found out that him and his ‘ex-wife’ had bought another house a week after they closed on their first one. I immediately confronted him with all the worst case scenarios running through my head, but he told me it was simply an investment property. That their realtor had a house flipping business on the side and that since they had both moved back in with their parents after the divorce and weren’t doing anything with the money, they went in on one of the houses to flip. This made more sense to me than anything else that was running through my head, so I chose to believe him, but I started having a very uneasy feeling that things weren’t how they said they were. He had an answer for everything though every time I confronted him about one of the lies and made me think I was crazy for thinking there could still be something going on with him and his ‘ex-wife’.Whenever I would catch him in another lie or tell him I was fed up and would leave him if things didn’t get better, he’d always say he would come over after work so we could talk face-to-face. And then when he got here, instead of talking about the issue right away, he’d come in and sit on the couch and start to give me a back rub or a foot rub and ask about my day. He’d make small talk and crack some jokes and then after about 20 minutes of that, he’d bring up the issue and give me a sob story about being stressed at work or something like that, and then promise me that he’d start putting in more effort and tell me everything I wanted to hear. Before I knew it, I was forgiving him and giving him another chance. Every time. Now I see that he was manipulating me to let my guard down first and charm me so I’d be more willing to believe everything he was saying and let it go.
After catching him in so many lies, though, I couldn’t shake the gut feeling I had and couldn’t trust anything he told me at this point. I finally texted his ‘ex-wife’ to ask her myself if they were divorced. I thought she would just confirm everything he had told me and I’d have a little peace of mind, but no. She said that they were 100% together and there was never a time where she thought that they weren’t and demanded to know what was going on, so I told her everything. I was completely devastated and as blindsided as her. How could neither of us have not known or seen it? I couldn’t believe he had gone through such great lengths to carry out all these lies. Had he really convinced her to sell their house and buy a new one just so he could show me the real estate listing and to try to prove to me that the divorce had happened?
I haven’t gotten any kind of explanation from him. He’s been completely ignoring me for the past few days when I try to ask for answers. I understand why though – I’m the other woman and his first priority is obviously going to be to try to talk his way out of it with his wife, but it still hurts like crazy. The rational side of me is glad I’m not the one that was married to him and that I can get a clean break, but at the same time, the side of me that is still head over heels in love with him is hoping he really will get a divorce now that she knows everything and come back to me and things could finally be how I had always imagined at the start of the relationship. I know that sounds so stupid and I’m doing everything I can to talk myself out of that, but I can’t help it. He really was like a drug to me and I’ve never loved anyone so much before, despite all the hurt and bad times.
His wife told me they’re trying to work through it – one side of my brain wants to scream at her for staying, why would you want to stay with a man who has been cheating and lying to you for 3 years? But the other side of my brain knows exactly why she’s saying this. As of right now, I would take him back in a heartbeat if he asked me too, despite everything that’s happened, and I’m the one being ignored right now. I can imagine he’s back to seducing and charming and manipulating her and making it harder for her to see what’s really happening. It’s not fair that he gets to get away with treating people like this, he doesn’t deserve to have this ‘happy life’ and ‘happy marriage’.
How long does it take to get over this? To stop wanting him back even when I know he’s wrong? Will I ever trust or love someone again? Everything just feels so hopeless now.
I am enjoying this site and all of the informative information, but does anyone still post on here? Unless I am overlooking newer posts, it seems as if the newest are dated in 2018.
Hi, I haven’t posted for sometime. But I plan to write again soon.
HI Postivagirl and Bunny, Phoenix, and everyone else, I used to visit here and message, connect on here in 2014, 2015, 2016 etc. I used to post as dragonfly but forgot my old password.
I am free of my controlling ex narc bf as of 2017 and had met a beautiful kind man my soulmate in 2016 as friends then together in 2017 but very sadly for both of us he died of cancer this year. I am trying to cope and carry on without him. he was much older in age than me so I knew I would lose him. We try to communicate from beyond the grave but its hard for me as I miss his physical company physical presence. i’m learning psychic development and spiritual growth, meditation etc to try to handle my grief better and the only way to connect better with him.
I also had a bad time with an ex friend who turned into a sociopath before my eyes after 5 years of friendship, she was jealous of me being happy with my soulmate, I got an ivo against her in 2018 it ended last year in August. It helped her let me go thank god. She did have alcohol and marajuna, ptsd,issues & mental illness: bi polar or schizophrenia that she wouldn’t take medication for long and a few visits to the psych ward when I knew her etc, She was bitter jealous and angry about the 30 years age gap difference between my soulmate and I. He was 30 years older than me but we got on like a house on fire, we were suited to each other even though his wife was in a nursing home with alzheimers, but my soulmate was honest with me from the start and he introduced me to his children and family he never hid me from anyone and he was a true gentleman in every way and the best man i’d ever been with. His wife died 4 months before he did. We went to Ireland together last year just before he got really sick from late stage colon spread to liver cancer late stage 4.
I am grieving and feel empty and lost and sad and disillusioned and I often wish I could follow him to the other world the afterlife. He often visits me in dreams and visions and I talk to him out loud most days on my own and whilst driving. I do have friends and churches and spiritual class but continually feel empty and apathetic without my man, my love by my side in person to share my life with. But I am relieved and happy that his suffering is over. I am happy he’s in heaven with god and his relatives and wife etc.
A couple of also old Men have tried to hit on me since he died. My Bob died 4 1/2 months ago. I didn’t take kindly to the unwanted offers. One maybe a covert narc, sociopath, hes married and looks nearly my soulmate’s age which is 80. He was a distant friend in the local lapidary gem club for 5 years. He seemed jovial and normal, at the club and on club outings etc. He was offering to help me with gardening and fixing my old computer etc. But increased the offers of help after bobs death. Behind his wife’s back, but when I tried to expose him on this and that he was trying to hug me during the lockdown,more than I felt was comfortable, his mask slipped when I tried to expose him and I stopped him from visiting me on his own.
Boy did his emails change, to a different person. No apology for trying to blur the lines or for trying to cross my boundaries. He accused me of false allegations instead and threatened legal action against me if I tell any of his friends in the lapidary club we both attend. Hes nearly 30 years older than me anyway. But cunningly tried to pose as a father figure friend and must have figured he’d try to push his sleazy unwanted affection on me hoping it’d lead to a friends with benefits arrangements and using offers of help around my house after my partner died and using fish and chips meals as a leverage.
What a nasty piece of work, and married too. Turned his wife against me as he must have been afraid i’d tell her. I hate men like this. He was very polite and no flirting while my partner was alive. My partner came to the club with me while he was alive, to keep me company,
We were devoted to each other right up till the end. I saw him take his last breath, heard it leave his body, I was with him while he passed, me and his daughter were by his bed. The world is a dimmer place without him in it. He would have beat the men up who tried to come onto me.
Shame on sociopaths and narcs. I guess we learnt valuable lessons to love ourselves more and not tolerate abusive and toxic controlling behaviour to us and demand respect but run like the wind, never look back, leave them for good once we leave them or they mercifully leave us. They’re charming, funny and charismatic at first when they love bomb and charm us and also toxic and addictive but once the trauma bond is broken, soul ties broken, we can break the chain and gradually heal, enjoy our lives again and mend our broken wings and broken hearts. God will heal us and we need to love ourselves to heal the broken soul wounds that they inflict. (Livvy, Dragonfly)
Blessings to all, stay strong.
Hi,
I don’t know where to turn to for help…
I’m a reasonably intelligent 48yr old man, and have recently been in a relationship with the girl-of-my-dreams.. (Yahdayahdayahda.. it appears!)
We met January 2018, and she became pregnant within a fortnight of us meeting! Not to state the obvious, but I fell sooo very much in love, I was ecstatic! But after 6 weeks, a wobble, a reconciliation… and the cycle continued, never able to spend more than a few days together before the mask slipped etc.. I could go on, but it is all formulaic really.
Ff. to February 2019 (Ava was born Oct ‘18) and I’d seen too much. After snatching Ava off the bed where I lay playing with her, screaming “You Wanted An Abortion!” Then running out the door, I knew at that moment what she was.
But there’s a lil girl, (my lil girl! That I’ve never been given the opportunity to bond with, even in the few brief weeks I spent with her..) and I’m at my wits end here…
I took action through the family court, Jess immediately moved 240 miles away (not random, her family are there) so the courts were transferred. I raised my concerns with Cafcass (court appointed social workers) during their section 7 report.
The report came back not only making Jess out to be supermum, but that I was an alcoholic drug addict (I’m not) with a potentially violent dog (not is he!) and no clue how to look after a bag of potatoes, let alone a child. It recommends I get sent for an psychiatric evaluation, not her, it chastises me for not appearing “happy” when hearing Ava’s doing well ffs! As well as mockingly stating I called her “sociopath”
I don’t know what to do now tbh. I worry for my daughter, but know I can’t fight Jess in the courts. Nor can I work outside the confines of such a system…
Oh, and I shoulda done my research before today, but about a week ago I sent Jess an email, stating she had won. I realise now that was a mistake (and I’m back to physically being sick daily…) and am unsure of the sort of retribution I may face…
They certainly know where to feed. I was married to one for 17 years and just finished a 2 year relationship with another. It’s exhausting. My first experience had me on guard and I saw it in the second even while being drawn in hoping to be wrong. This confusion is crippling at times. Then I think of all the nonsense during the last 20 plus years. Both women accused me of having a disorder as they spun me into their games.
I use to be proud to be a provider and protector of the women I’m with. Now I know it’s something they can smell. Thank goodness that I insisted on a prenuptial with the second woman even though it drove her into a rage. It’s most likely the reason she dropped me. Yet another good reason to have one although my experience in family court with the former wife (14 years of being beat up in court) taught me that lesson.
Some thoughts: NO CONTACT because they are going to use you again and they are showing your messages to others to stir up drama. Get some exercise even if it’s walking. Take vitamins, stay hydrated and avoid bad habits. Don’t bother trying to explain to anyone as they will never comprehend. Make new acquaintances to expand your social circle outside of the contaminated one. Hang in there.
Thank you. Some good advice. You know that you are more at risk of meeting another if you haven’t healed from the damage of the one before. This is what they can sense. What needs healing and fixing. They will offer to be the exact opposite of what you have experienced. To heal. The truth is only you can heal you. When you do, someone like this won’t have any power over you. Or even be interested in marking you for what they need. As you will be gone at the sign of the first red flag.
Very good advice!
Also, when acquaintances start acting standoffish it’s a big warning that they are getting ready to burn you. In both cases they told coworkers and family that we had ended it all the while they act as if all is well when you are alone with them. They told everyone that I was violent and stalking them even though they were both violent towards me. The tale is twisted and everyone wants to believe a women out of hand. Then the drama really light up when you call or stop by. You’re completely confused while everyone is treating you as a threat. Teachers, friends, dentists and so on. The police however didn’t seem to be taken in by it.
Yes 💯
Very well described.
Positivagirl thank you for providing this website
I was in love with a beautiful, sweet, caring, empathetic, compassionate, charismatic, charming, innocent angel that turned to out never to have been her!
Without getting too bogged down in details, I got sick twice in January this year, and by the beginning of February my girlfriend had left without ever seeing me in person or even having a solid conversation, aside from saying that I had forced her into someone else’s arms. At the time I had just edited and rewritten her resume after she was fired from her job right before Christmas. They took her car and she had no money (except for inheritance not meant to be touched) I let her use my car and she had apparently been using it to explore her next option while still maintaining a veneer of smiles, hugs, and kisses, love, safety, trust family, and the promise of a future.
I havent seen her since but not from lack of trying to convince her to see me or even talk to me. To the point of embarrassment even. The reactions that you describe are likely to be received from from a sociopath if you break the silence and reach out, were so alarmingly dead on that I had chills while I read the words. It would explain so much… I’ve struggled with the confusion following such an abrupt departure, and have not realized until very recently that she never was the person I thought she was.
How are you doing today? I hope that you are well.
I dated a person who I’m pretty sure was a sociopath starting at the end of January this year until the beginning of May but then he led me on for two months after our relationship. I remember noticing a lot of red flags on the first date, like he fact that he had moved around a lot and was only 24 (I later found out he lied to me about his age by a year, sociopaths lie about everything, even stupid things!), he described all of his past partners as crazy, was extremely charming, etc. He didn’t really have any friends and I don’t know if anything he told me about himself was true. He asked me to be official with him 2 weeks after our first date and I was doing sex work at the time (this was pre covid) and opened up to him about it and he lost it and told me he had trauma surrounding sex work from a past partner who did it behind his back (which i found out was a lie) and when I told him that maybe we should take thing slow because we had literally just me, he lost it and said I wouldn’t be intentional about staying friends with him and would abandon him like everyone else did. He said he would be able to deal with me doing sex work and really liked me, so we started dating anyways. It was something he never got over, he withheld intimacy from me constantly and when I would comment about it he would say that it was because of his trauma, or his mental health, or that it was because he was feeling mostly asexual and didn’t get any pleasure out of sex (more lies and manipulation). When we were intimate it was super cold, he would only get himself off and I would have to beg him to go down on me or do anything for me. He would lie to me about really stupid things, like he told me on our first date he had put a down payment on a tesla truck but then said he canceled it and then later brought up that he still had the down payment on it. Hanging out with him and communicating with him was emotionally exhausting. He would constantly text me and if I didn’t answer quick enough would get passive aggressive with me. Because of him not being okay with me doing sex work, even though I had to stop a month into our relationship due to covid, we would break up and get back together pretty frequently but he would always ask me to get back together with him, until the last time we broke up. I could tell after we broke up that something was off and that he was probably seeing other people and because we had been hanging out so much and even hooked up after breaking up I wanted to know so that I could cut him out of my life and avoid being led on and getting my feelings hurt further. It was also covid and we never used protection so my life and sexual health were being put in danger. A couple months after we broke up I ended up finding out through social media and then google that he had legally changed his name twice and when I confronted him about it he threatened suicide and told me he had checked himself into a hospital and then later when I met up with him in person for closure told me cops checked up on him at his apartment. A few weeks later I found out through a girl he had been hanging out with and was hanging out with that day that both of these things were lies. They were just ways for him to further manipulate me and feel bad. I also found out through an ex friend of his that was helping him with a business venture he was running on the side that he had invited a girl over the night after we broke up to give him head. My ex partner had bashed this friend to no end and I thought it was really weird and unwarranted and this guy told me that my ex partner gave him really bad vibes and that his customers told him not to work with my ex partner. My ex partner also didn’t pay this person in full for his help. Then I contacted a past partner of my ex I found through instagram and she told me he had gotten called out on a spreadsheet of creatives in one of the cities he lived in for sexual assault, coercion, etc and then I kept uncovering more and more fucked up shit about him from other past partners, etc. I found out he’s a rapist, emotionally and physically abusive, a thief, a pathological liar, among many other things. I found out he was hooking up with multiple people in between us breaking up and getting back together, which for some reason is one of the things that hurts me the most out of all of this that he could just lie to my face and hide things from me like that. He even used a photo of him and I on his tinder profile and when I asked him why he did that he said he just liked how he looked in the photo. He’s so fucking selfish and disgusting. He was also purposely targeting friends of mine to hook up with and one of the people he hooked up with was a mutual friend but I think there are more friends of mine that aren’t telling me the truth. He was always so jealous of me and when I told him I did sex work told me he wasn’t able to make a calculated decision about having unprotected sex with me from the start of us hooking up. I always used protection when I did sex work and found out he never used a condom with anyone he hooked up with so he was a hypocrite on top of everything. He was so emotionally abusive that I felt so confused the whole time we dated. He raped me early on in our relationship too. I ended up compiling a bunch of accounts from people who had interacted with him and called him out on social media but it sucks knowing he’s still out there doing whatever the fuck he wants. He even emailed me a few weeks ago and I stupidly responded and after a while he stopped responding but I can’t stop myself from continuing to email him with proof and questions even though I know it’s unhealthy. I’m in therapy now to deal with my trauma and depression from him and it’s been getting better and better each day but it’s hard not to ruminate on this fucked up person and situation. Any tips for dealing with life post a sociopathic relationship would be much appreciated!
I dated a person who I’m pretty sure was a sociopath or a narcissist starting at the end of January this year until the beginning of May but then he led me on for two months after our relationship. I remember noticing a lot of red flags on the first date, like he fact that he had moved around a lot and was only 24 (he’s actually 25, I later found out he lied to me about his age by a year, sociopaths lie about everything, even stupid things!), he described all of his past partners as crazy, was extremely charming, etc. He asked me to be official with him 2 weeks after our first date and I was doing sex work at the time (this was pre covid) and opened up to him about it and he lost it and told me he had trauma surrounding sex work from a past partner who did it behind his back (which i found out was a lie) and when I told him that maybe we should take thing slow because we had literally just met, he lost it and said I wouldn’t be intentional about staying friends with him and would abandon him like everyone else did. He didn’t really have any friends and I don’t know if anything he told me about himself was true. He said he would be able to deal with me doing sex work and really liked me and already had feelings for me, so we started dating anyways. The sex work was something he never got over. He withheld intimacy from me constantly because of it and when I would comment about it he would say that it was because of his trauma with his past partner, or his mental health, or that it was because he was feeling mostly asexual and didn’t get any pleasure out of sex (more lies). When we were intimate it was super cold, he would only get himself off and I would have to beg him to go down on me or do anything for me. He would lie to me about really stupid things, like he told me on our first date he had put a down payment on a tesla truck but then said he canceled it and then later brought up that he still had the down payment on it. Hanging out with him and communicating with him was emotionally exhausting. He would constantly text me and if I didn’t answer quick enough would get passive aggressive with me. Because of him not being okay with me doing sex work, even though I had to stop doing it a month into our relationship due to covid, we would break up and get back together pretty frequently but he would always ask me to get back together with him, until the last time we broke up. I could tell after we broke up the last time that something was off and that he was probably seeing other people and because we had been hanging out so much and even hooked up after breaking up I wanted to know so that I could cut him out of my life and avoid getting led on and getting my feelings hurt further. It was also covid and we never used protection so my life and sexual health were being put in danger. He always denied he was seeing anyone else and again would lie and say he was feeling mostly asexual or wanted to focus on his career or give me another bullshit lie and constantly gaslit me. A couple months after we broke up I ended up finding out through social media and then google that he had legally changed his name twice and when I confronted him about it he threatened suicide and told me he had checked himself into a hospital and then later when I met up with him in person for closure he changed his story and told me cops checked up on him at his apartment. I found out after through a girl he had been seeing and was hanging out with that day that both of these things were lies. They were just ways for him to further manipulate me and make me feel bad. He also texted my mom and said he was going to call the cops on me because I was supposedly blackmailing him into dating me again. I also found out through a friend that was helping him with a business venture he was running on the side that he had invited a girl over the night after we broke up the last time to give him head. My ex partner had bashed this friend to no end and I thought it was really weird and unwarranted and this guy told me that my ex partner gave him really bad vibes and that his customers told him not to work with my ex partner. My ex partner also didn’t pay this person in full for his help. Then I contacted a past partner of his I found through instagram and she told me he had gotten called out on a spreadsheet of creatives in one of the cities he lived in for sexual assault, coercion, etc and had also been extremely manipulative and coercive with her in their relationship. From there I kept uncovering more and more fucked up shit about him from other past partners, etc. I found out he’s a rapist, a thief, a pathological liar, among many other things. I found out he was hooking up with multiple people in between us breaking up and getting back together, which for some reason is one of the things that hurts me the most out of all of this that he could just lie to my face, withhold intimacy from me and hide things from me like that. He even used a photo of him and I on his tinder profile and when I asked him about why he did that he said he just liked how he looked in the photo. He’s so narcissistic and disgusting. He was also purposely targeting friends of mine and one of the people he hooked up with was a mutual friend but I think there are more friends of mine that aren’t telling me the truth. He was always so jealous of me and when I told him I did sex work told me he wasn’t able to make a calculated decision about having unprotected sex with me from the start of us seeing each other. I always used protection when I did sex work. I found out he never used a condom with anyone he hooked up with. He was so emotionally abusive that I felt so confused the whole time we dated. He raped me early on in our relationship too. I ended up compiling a bunch of accounts from people who had interacted with him and called him out on social media but it sucks knowing he’s still out there doing whatever he wants. I’m in therapy now to deal with my trauma and depression from him and it’s been getting better and better each day but it’s hard not to ruminate on this devastating situation. Any tips for dealing with life post a sociopathic relationship would be much appreciated!
Hi. I know that it is painful for you right now. I want you to know that this is not your fault. I want to say once he Is gone you heal. But that would be a lie. Recovery can take some time. For me it took years. What helped the most was to focus on gratitude. To focus every moment of every day on gratitude. Everything from the bed you sleep in. Water in the tap. Electricity. Food in the shop. Having a car if you have one. This trick works and is the fastest to bring your thinking back to you. It is effective as you start to see your world through your world view lense not your abuser. It works because you are focusing on your life and positive rather than focusing on what he is doing. Remember he is an empty shell if he is happy it is because he is living someone else’s happiness. He is suckjng the life out of someone else. Be grateful he is no longer sucking the life out of you. I promise you will heal and recover. But it takes a lot of work. Of course he worked hard to groom you. Now it is time for you to groom you back. I hope this helps.
Heyoh, sorry this is just a test – I posted a long-ass reply and I just don’t remember if positivagirl moderates comments on here or if I buggered up. 😀 Delete me 😀
Hi Nicholas, yes have just got into my laptop so going through comments now.
ah, so my long reply got lost to the interwebs 😦
I found solace in sites like this, learning that other people had gone through similar situations… and then some people warned me “it’s good to read about sociopaths and try and understand, but you won’t, because your brain works differently – so don’t go reading yourself into a hole”
Guess what I did? 🙂 I read myself into a hole… but, you know, I climbed out eventually because I recognised what was happening. I think even that advice little piece of advice was enough to stop me from going much deeper. So… read yourself into a hole if that’s what you need, just remember there is a time where you have to stop and take steps towards yourself.
It’s been a few years since my narc and I don’t want to make it feel hopeless by saying “yeah healing can take years” but know that’s the same with everything – you carry stuff with you – especially if you don’t learn the lessons. I still give people the benefit of the doubt and allow myself to get emotionally manipulated from time to time – but I am getting better at spotting it, stopping it, and when the need arises, being able to disconnect and walk away.
It’s like the man who rescued the snake from a fire, and every time he tried to grab it and pull it out of the fire it bit him, until he found a stick to save the snake with. An on-looker said “why bother, man? It’s just going to bite you. It did bite you. Several times. Why insist on saving the stupid snake?” and he said “the snake bit me because that’s in its nature – it was just doing what snakes do. I’m a helper, it’s what I do… and I’m not going to let the snake’s nature change my nature.” … Mmmm.
But if I can offer some strong advice about your narc which I hope helps… because yes, it sucks knowing that they’re out there causing damage – but know that they are so proactive in protecting their image that by the time someone like you or I mobilise into ‘exposing them’ and ‘calling them out’, they’ve already infiltrated half of our social circles with their charm and wit, and are already well into painting us as the abusive and crazy partner. Some people will be taken for the ride for a little while, but the truth always prevails, I find… but if you buy into the game and start trying to call them out, you’re falling into a trap that has been pre-set for weeks or months.
The damage the narc can do is not of your concern, you can’t carry that weight – you can’t hold yourself responsible for the safety of others. That’s a testament to who you are as a person that you want to stop the narc from damaging others – it’s the same reason why you put up with him for so long. Chances are he had several people ‘on the go’ when you first dated and you passed all his tests of someone who will put up with his shit. It’s not a bad thing, to be compassionate and empathetic – but you have to recognise when it’s more vice than virtue. In this case, you really can’t worry about the damage the narc is doing to others. That’s their journey. Trying to ‘expose’ the narc or chase them will only do you more damage in the long run – instead just let that hurricane of bullshit buzz off into the distance and focus on your own healing. Again, I can’t stress enough that – it sucks, yes – but what happens to others is their lessons to learn. Even with the best intentions, you sometimes can’t help people, and you have to just trust that in time they will find out for themselves. When you think about it, you probably had people at the start of this relationship telling you this guy is bad news, but you had to learn it for yourself. Same goes for others. The narc is out there, that sucks, but so be it… there are thousands of them – and protecting the world from them is too big of a task and a responsibility to dump on yourself.
Keep going to therapy – it’s so good. Work on yourself (cliche I know, but whatever that means to you, focus on you), Reach out to friends (hopefully you have 1 or 2 that love you enough to hear you repeat the same story over and over while your brain ruminates and tries to process what it has just been through), and also take a break from relationships – right now you are narc-bait, and a perfect candidate for a “knight in shining armour – the one I’ve been waiting for” to swoop in and brain-fuck you to the nth degree, using your trauma as a weapon against you (and from experience that it a shitty, shitty, shitty place to end up).
But… kudos is deserved for recognising what you were dealing with – some people are just like “well that was an arsehole” and move on… my vibe is that you’re an empathetic person but intelligent enough to want to rationalise and understand what the hell just happened (I think that’s a lethal combo when it comes to being narc-bait). The fact you’re aware of what you just went through and the type of person you just dealt with will certainly make things easier, and that’s the first part of healing… and kudos for taking the next steps… reaching out and talking to someone about it.
All the best, you might not see it now, but in the future this is going to shape you into an incredible human being, and one day you’ll look back on yourself, proud as anything and think holy shit… look at me now.
I needed to read this today; reeling from finally seeing clearly the pattern of the signs that I’ve noticed, tracked, and ignored over the last 3 years of marriage. Whilst my guts are upending themselves over the loss of who I thought he was, I can’t help but fear for others in our circle. Thank you for the reminder that all I can, all I should do, is focus on getting myself out ASAP.
Hi all, positiva girl, Cindy, Valerie, phoenix etc.
ive been away from my ex narc since January 2017.
I met a much nicer kind but firm confident man in 2021. Who knows his own mind is very strong in his opinions and decisions etc.
we have a good relationship, friendship and it is so different and better but not as exciting as with the narc but this is much healthier and steadfast and real, compared to the narc.
I’ve come across narcs in my friends circle and they acted like true narcs, hoover, hospitality, love bomb then criticise and discard . One is best friends with my ndis worker now. Go figure? She dies not believe that eventually alvena will likely discard her. But friends take longer to lift the mask. I was friends with alvena for 8 years before she showed any signs of being a narc. When I was with my narc, always was more sympathetic, friendlier with me.
When I met my current healthier long term man, she was friendly at first then gree distant over time and jumped ship onto my worker, friend. I no longer hear from alvena, for 2 years now. She did subtle criticism towards me, but was still hospitable, cooked me dinner etc. This increased when I was broken up with my narc.
A few months after I met my healthy partner, alvena said I wasn’t as smart as I used to be, when my partner and worker were not listening. Go figure? Yet I am wiser and more confident, more discerning than previously.
my ex narc trev, tried to contact me by mutual friends, aquaintences over the past few years. While I wished him well, I will not go back nor meet as friends as I remember what a hold he had on me, trauma bond etc. Plus I am much happier and stronger in myself now. I said through the mutual friend who passed his msg onto me, that I’m very happy and settled in my relationship, but no hard feelings, I wish him happiness, I learnt many lessons about myself and boundaries and self worth, respect, etc from being in relationship for 4 years on and off, with my ex narc. I think he may have posted on here ,he must have found a post I wrote in 2020. They’re very good at finding you after many years.
They usually want you back after you’ve gone no contact and moved on years ago, as mine tried distant contact after 7 years of no virtually no contact. Only a nasty letter from him during covid as he’d heard that I said to a mutual aquaintence that he was angry and controlling behind closed doors. They can’t stand any truths said about their toxic behaviour. Lol.
I hope everyone is going well?
are you still posting on here positiva girl? I hope so. Your posts and anecdotes, advice is inspiring, as indeed everyone’s posts are inspiring and thought provoking and I hope everyone is in a better place by now. I hope you are all healing, from all the hurts that the narcs caused you. I am very grateful 🙏 for my healing. The more months and years go by without the narcs in my life, the better off I am.
best wishes, blessings to all on your journeys to freedom, be good to yourself and i hope you run as far from the narcs as you can. I’ve dodged a few bullets as in crossing paths with narcs as potential friends, aquaintences. Often coverts and 1 very obvious angry, traumatised one.
blessings all, take care, cheers, bear 🐻 hugs xx