The sociopath uses a number of tools to manipulate.
If you spend too long around the sociopath, once Mr nice, and Mr Helpful, and Mr Wonderful wears off, once he has his slippers firmly under your table, hand in the fridge, and the warm half of your bed, a totally different character begins to appear. To cope with this, you need mental agility,for the sociopath is the master game player. And what he intends to do is play a game with your life. You will be left feeling absolutely confused.
What is deflection? Deflection takes focus away from the accusation. To use an example, if you had concerns that your partner was cheating, perhaps you have evidence that has convinced you that he is having an affair? You confront your partner, holding the evidence, you are fairly sure that now you ‘have him?’… Or so you think!!
Evidence, means little with the sociopath as the sociopath who will do and say anything to
Protect the lie!
An example of this, unrelated to dating, is that I worked for a long time with homeless in a hostel. Often, when there had been an incident the night before, as soon as staff got in the next morning, the person who was the most obvious suspect would come to the office, and declare information about what had happened the night before. Giving his witness statement, or making a complaint about the noise etc. Feeding you this misleading information would (for the inexperienced person), lead you on a false trail. To think that this person couldn’t be responsible, as they were the one who came to you and reported it in the first place This is called deflection.
He knew that we would receive complaints from others, which would later be pinpointed on him. So, coming to see us first, to give us false information, would stall for time, and (he hoped) get him off being evicted. It would take our attention elsewhere.
This is what the sociopath does. Have you ever watched a murder mystery film? Where it is said that the least obvious suspect is often the one who did it? Sociopaths operate using the same analogy. Perhaps many murder mystery writers are also sociopaths? Who knows? And so, if you gain evidence that the sociopath has been doing something behind your back, they will either:
If he has already worked out that he is about to be found out
He would come to you, before you confront him. He will feed you false information, which will invalidate your evidence. This would make you doubt your evidence. You would doubt your own mind, and what you had heard or seen. Instead of confronting, you would delay, or be confused, or be reassured that your concerns or worries were nothing.
If you have ever falsely accused him, he will use this as ‘evidence’ of how you ‘get things wrong’
Alternatively, if he had no idea that you had found out
He will have to think fast. To give himself more time, he will immediately:
– Stall for time, by using distraction, and change the subject. Or say ‘what about…’ something someone else has done, or say you always accuse me, and get things wrong, Remember when…… (and repeat back to you something totally irrelevant)
– Or lie further to protect the lie. (See also catching a sociopath in the lie)
The outcome will be that you will be confused. You might know abs0lutely that this person is lying to you. But he will never admit to lies, even with evidence shown to him. He protects the lie with his life. And when caught in the lie will either deflect attention elsewhere, distract, or lie further. You will be confused, and perhaps because you do not want it to be true (you are hurt), you yet again give him another chance.
This is how sociopaths get away with things, for such a long time, often even when you have evidence of what they have done.
It is because of this, that other people cannot understand, “why did you stay with it so long?” or “You knew, you had that evidence, why didn’t you leave then?” but the sociopath is clever, cunning and manipulative. He/she will do all that he can to dissuade you that you have it wrong. That you are misinformed. Not wanting to be hurt (if you love this person), you can still feel suspicious, but also relieved that perhaps you have it wrong. People close to you, who you have discussed your evidence with, then think that you stupid, and foolish for continuing to stay with this person. After all, have you not seen enough?
But the sociopath is the master of manipulation and control. He will never admit to a lie, for if he did, he would lose control. He experiences ‘dupers delight’ and enjoys conning you. The longer that he can con you for, the longer that he can use you for, and the more benefit for him.
A sociopath will always make plans behind your back, have an exit strategy, and an alternative source of supply prior to leaving you. If you have fulfilled his needs. If you catch him out, prior to him planning this exit, he will do all that he can to protect his asset (you). This could be misconstrued as ‘love’ and ‘care’ and wanting to fight for your relationship. But this is again, an illusion, as it is merely the sociopath mirroring, deflecting, distracting and lying, to keep his target and source for supply, for as long as he possibly can.
- Be wary if the sociopath comes to you volunteering information (he might be deflecting you)
- Is he answering the question – or deflecting?
- Have you received a satisfactory answer – or have you just been lied to, and deceived further?
Pay attention, as the sociopath is the master manipulator and will do everything to protect the lie.
Words © datingasociopath.com
22 thoughts on “Deflection, manipulation, and twisting words”
So true, I could never get a straight answer to a question and if I caught him out in a lie, he would just laugh, smile and totally ignore what I said like it didn’t happen. If I cornered him by repeating it, he would jut shout a lot of nonsense until I didn’t ask anymore. I, like others can’t believe I put up with it for so long. He’s back ling with his mother now butI know he’d come straight back if i let him.
When I first started seeing my SOC #3, we were out in a bar with some other co-workers & he had just recently started working with us so we asked him if he knew any of the other gays in the office. When we asked if he knew one particularly feminine boy he said, ‘I know who he is but I don’t know him.’ Well that Monday one of my coworkers saw me talking to SOC #3 & took me aside afterward & told me to watch out for that new guy (SOC#3), because one of the feminine boy’s roommates had told him that the new guy was dating the feminine one (the one he supposedly didn’t know!) So on my next break I asked why he didn’t tell me about his romance with the feminine guy & he gave me that shark eyed look & said, “I never kiss and tell!” I was crazy-made! I asked how he could ‘not know him’ if they were in fact DATING, not to mention KISSING!! Then he changed his demeanor & started ‘acting’ really upset saying, “what did he say? He’s lying! He likes to cause trouble! I am going to HR! & all sorts of other things. I informed him that his extreme defensive reaction (according to my communication class) indicates guilt of some kind. He just kept raving about how he was going to HR…I convinced him not to, since he was new to the company he shouldn’t be making such waves-HR doesn’t want to know who he messed with! I told him right then I had already been with 2 other lying con men & told him to lose my number. Like the article says above, he didn’t want to lose the game so he texted me that he wanted to come over after work and clear up the story. “This outta be good” I thought. He came over that night & used the PITY PLAY to try to weasel his way out of this OBVIOUS lie. First he said, “I don’t normally tell people I just met this-but I was sexually abused as a child by my brother…The feminine guy was talking at work about how he was training to be a massage therapist & my back was hurting so I asked him if I could get a back massage. He had me over to his house & I took my shirt off & he started to massage it & it was BAD…then he started talking to me forcefully like my brother used 2 & it took me back to my child abuse memories & I grabbed my clothes and went to the door..he TRIED to kiss me & I said, “NO” then ran out of there…Then he deflected by saying, ‘I TOLD U I DIDN’T KNOW HIM BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO HAVE TO RELIVE THAT CHILDHOOD ABUSE AGAIN>>>THANKS ALOT FOR MAKING ME RELIVE IT!- I was shocked that he was the one lying yet tried to make it out like I was the bad guy! I didn’t believe a word of that story either because it didn’t make sense how he lied about knowing him. At worst I would have thought when we asked him if we knew the guy he could have warned us that the guy was a rapist! but he just stuck with the same LIE story! Well I kept seeing him and more & more things started happening that didn’t add up. A few tunes I would tell him that I didn’t believe that massage story & told him I would give him ONE MORE CHANCE to tell me what REALLY happened. He said, “I told U the truth..it’s not gonna change!” I knew the story was fake and several other lies surfaced after it so finally I got 2 the point where I had enough..& said I was through with him. He then showed up at my door and said, ‘FINE-now is your chance! Ask me anything U want to know. I have NOTHING to lose..so I said, “OK, lets start with the feminine guy story..he proceeded to say, “Fine, I went over to his place and let him blow me.” I asked what he did for him & he said (grandiose) “NOTHING-he was lucky to get to do that!” So I said, “WRONG! There is no way U would do nothing for him knowing that U would see him the next day at work & usually such encounters involve reciprocation, then he changed his story to, “He blew me, I blew him…he was bad at it!” I was mortified that he crazy made me for so long, especially after when we first met I told him SPECIFICALLY that I did NOT like it when someone hides an UGLY truth then keeps it going for a year THEN confesses to it! It seemed to be a thrill seeking game for him! It took so much time and effort when the truth would be MUCH more believable!
Can u please contact me, im going through the same thing with my 4 year relationship and its killing me
Sure tiffiny…How do I contact you?
Me too, though my relationship just started. After a month, I’m exhausted. I think he’s very dramatic. 1st he would not stop talking about his ex wife and this woman named Teresa he slept with at work. Then, he quit that because he almost lost me and he charmed me to get me back, of course. Next, he became very irritable towards me 1 day for no reason, accusing me of a number of things. He apologized and blamed it on caffeine withdrawal.. Last, and I’ve had it here, he went for drinks and dinner with Teresa and a couple of colleagues but he never told me he was with her until after I knew something was wrong and we had a fight. He used deflection instantly. He uses deflection a lot. After that night he didn’t contact me for over a day and he’s never done that before. He’s not consistent, he hides her in his life, keeps birthday balloons she gave him from over a month ago, and refers to her as his contact at work instead of Teresa. I asked, “do you mean Teresa?” Only then did he respond, “.. yes.” I don’t trust him. I also don’t know what to do with him anymore.
The evidence is there, you DONT TRUST HIM and you don’t trust him for a reason. Listen to yourself, listen to your own judgement, listen to what your inner self is telling you. You are exhausted, its been going on for a month? Please get out of this relationship, before it causes more harm and damage to you.
has anyone dealt with a family member who is a sociopath? how did you handle it?
Good Evening, I was shocked when, recently, I learned through a common knowledge, that my ex-husband had deceived me more than once during our life while he was telling me the opposite. My ex husband was always a big flirty with lots of girls around him, his “friends” are ALWAYS very clearly, women, only women. I always found it weird because friendship is not gender issue but hooked atoms. During our life, it has always done a lot of blame on everything, played a lot of my guilt. I finally understood that I had to deal with a narcissistic pervert. BUT … .The worst did not stop there …
Contrary to what I imagined. I learned this knowledge (see above) he attended a forum of “seduction methods” and under what pseudonym … .I went to check it out because since our separation, I only have problems with (he is still trying to manipulate me, or we have a child together, so I try every means to understand his psychology to protect me).
And there, as his posts parade, I fall from the clouds, more and more low … i learn he has a double life. he speaks many langages he spoke not the master of all, he knows very technical and new terms for handling (all in five-year relationship still …) I learn that he had several side of our family relationships and even several girls at the same time … .J’apprends he embarked on the practice of technical ‘hard’ seductive women / girls … .As if these girls n ‘were that of the flesh, the laboratory rat to refine his techniques dredges (whose purpose is to “sleep” or even an acquaintance “superior” in highly developed techniques drag). And I, in these years, he destroyed, feel guilty, destroyed by his reproaches …
Like what I “lacked confidence in him”, etc … I wanted to get some feedback as I had I struggling to words on this revelation and I feel about everything. It’s strange because I’m not a girl “beast”, I have experience in life and human relations. But I think I should be a kind of “challenge” Supreme for him. In fact, I was happy couple and (relatively) when one has known and he sought to get rid of my couple. But I’m thinking that I could not imagine me a second to get me “trap” by a man like that …. For me, it is clear that he is sick. Moreover, it runs in cycles. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it is wrong.
Suddenly he thinks he has found a great woman to share a relationship, suddenly he can not help but to look elsewhere … It is “uncontrollable” home. Not to mention that it is a very smart man. I am confused because I do not really know yet how to protect myself totally to him and his repeated attempts to manipulate me for everything and anything (always for others, including myself, we do as he wants … . Especially, we have a child and I have to work with him and my personal life it’s always a little known …
( traduction ) …
HI Anna, thank you for you comment. You are still in the relationship? Do you want to leave him?
Hello , Positivagirl ,
No we are not anymore together it as been 2 years now , i am done with him on any level exept , we have a child together and so , i do still ear from him . I think it is the worst that we still have to talk because of it …
thank you so much for this site it has openend my eyes more and more each days…
man this is so true,happen to me too. even with the evidence of the lies he would lie further,he even dumped me as if I was provoking yet another useless fight…to return later evidently.
they are real creeps…mine was also physically abusive,verbally the whole package.
now we are over and he blocked me before I got to do it on social media and my friends too,as if he’s the poor victim.
I just have a lot of troubles understanding…I feel robbed of my own judgement,lived of me too for 3 years.
So basically you didn’t explain anything… You just complained about what I can only assume is your ex . This was definitely written by a bitter woman. This is what you call a “period” piece. You didn’t explain personality traits or how to get them the help they need. And PS how do we know you’re not the sociopath ? According to you they round up and feed you a bunch of incorrect information, to make them look like a victim? Don’t let your personal life interfere with your work.
This is a series on the Bag of Tricks these CLUSTER B’s (sociopath, narcissist psychopath) monsters USE!
The whole article revolves around the male sex with “He” and “Mr.” as if it’s only men who are sociopaths haha… I bet this is written by a feminist 😀
No. But if you use your brain you might realise that this post was written in 2013. I was being stalked and harassed and was writing this site TO him. A man.
Later posts are all written gender neutral. So it was accurate as it was written by a woman who was traumatised and writing TO the person that was abusing her. A sociopath man. It just so happened that lots of people identified with it.
I think maybe he was just too lazy or not aware enough to have the sense to just read through it and change all the he’s to she’s .
Yes, I’ll admit my doing this wasn’t easy. I did have to slow down a bit and re read ignoring all he’s and remembering in my case which is dealing with a she.
Honestly the old adage is still true…fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I think a lot of the problem with dating anyone is that we jump in too fast. It doesn’t matter if he’s a smooth talker or charming or witty, you have to learn to look out for your own interests at all times.
The problem for me is that I hear a lot of “if you love him” but if he is lying to you, deceiving you, using you what is there to love? Anyone who refuses to acknowledge wrong or who seeks to blame others for their actions is dying a slow death and will never change, never grow and you will be the one jumping through hoops in the relationship when it takes two – can there even be love in a one-sided relationship with the sociopath?
If you’ve “invested” years with such a person it’s not too late to leave him and you don’t need to waste time feeling sad or depressed. Leaving such an individual is cause for celebration and a smile. Just chalk it up to experience and move on as quickly as you can – keep the lessons you leaned but don’t look back otherwise. No it’s not as easily done as it sounds but…yes it is. It’s just a matter of changing your mind and directing your thoughts elsewhere. Practice makes perfect.
I’ve known 2 psychopaths and one sociopath in my lifetime and they were all the same guy, playing the same stupid game of “what do I need to tell this trick so I can get what I want from her”. They always think that they are so smart when in reality they are the stupidest people in the world because they squander their time on worthless pursuits and bring ruin to everything they touch. The last one was fairly recent and to be honest I played cat and mouse with him until he got angry and then started to be petty and vindictive but even then he was predictable, calling me every few days even though I ignored him like he had the plague (when most normal men would have stopped calling after the second call or left a voicemail wanting to TALK). When I finally answered the phone, he asked me a few simple questions about a storage space…..he told me he payed his bill and I asked him how he paid it…he replied “over the phone”. ..I said well you should have asked them these questions when you paid your bill,,,then he said, well that’s all I wanted and as an AFTERTHOUGHT he says “how are you doing otherwise”?”.
Do you see the stupidity and childish game playing? These males are perpetual children stuck in adult bodies. Everything they do is calculated…he wanted me to believe three things:
1. He doesn’t really care about me.
2. He’ll call me whenever he feels like it.
2. He’s in control and if he can’t get what he really wants from me (which he didn’t and that’s why he is angry) he’s going to find some way to use me, demean me or humiliate me, even if it means just calling every few days and asking for useless info (which I didn’t give him.)
I let him have a piece of my mind and laid his whole game plan bare and told him NEVER to contact me again. He was so egotistical and smug and PHONY – he acted surprised but I know he was also seething inside – seething because I am celibate and have been for 20 years and refused to sleep with him even though he tried every trick in the book to persuade me that I “needed” to have relations with him. No respect for my values or my faith. I doubt seriously if he’s ever valued anything or anyone other than himself in his entire life.
These creatures are so nasty and selfish but we don’t ever have to be their victims or put up with their foolishness. We are women and WE DO THE CHOOSING, NOT THEM. When the first red flag rears it’s warning head get out of there!
Don’t misunderstand me…this psychopath cares for no one but himself. But he certainly cared that I ignored him and refused to give in to his demands. I didn’t care how he felt about it either, he isn’t entitled to my body or ANYTHING I have and he is not the only fish in the sea and I didn’t stay celibate all of these years to give myself to some trifling little boy who has no self control and is trying to play grown up.
We have to learn to cultivate certain attitudes. We don’t have to give in to pressure from anyone and when you are dating any man, take your time and never give them what they want. Get to know them. Trust me, if they are psycho it will show very early – just as it did with the psycho I just described who tried to get me to go to a hotel with him the first week that he met me and asked me to pay for it too!
THEY ARE NOT DESERVING OF YOUR EMPATHY, NO YOU CANNOT FIX HIM SO DON’T TRY. WORK ON YOU, TAKE CARE OF YOU.
The bible calls these despicable people “reprobate” and says that they are FILLED WITH ALL MANNER OF UNRIGHTEOUSNESS. and says to “turn away from them”. They have resisted the call on their lives from God and chosen evil on every occasion until their conscience becomes seared with a hot iron and they no longer have the power to choose or discern right from wrong. Their moral compass is DEAD. You can never, ever trust such a person, they are wholly selfish and will indulge in all kinds of evil and will drag you down with them because they are deliberately trying to destroy you. God has given them over to their sin because they have proven themselves to be wicked and God does not force Himself on anyone. The sociopath loves his sin, he takes great pleasure in harming people! Now if God has pronounced them worthless and abandoned them, should we not also? Are we smarter than God?
They are also promiscuous and sleep with multiple countless women – most times within the same time period. they also watch a lot of pornography and when the thrill of the newest learned perversion is gone, who knows what depths of depravity they will sink to and try to coerce YOU into doing. They love their evil and don’t think anything is wrong with them, they will always blame you. They have to put you down and demean you to keep you where they want you because deep down they KNOW you are too good for them and they know you don’t need them. They need YOU.
Trust me when I tell you, they are getting old ( this guy was 55) and worn out. Things are going to start catching up to them (as they do with us all). All of that wickedness just digs the black empty hole inside them deeper and deeper until they finally fall into their own ditch. Don’t let them take you with them.
Refuse to be a victim.
1. “How could you do this to me?” Meaning: How could you discover the truth behind my back? I thought I had adequately conned you. You ought to be ashamed to betray our fantasy.
2. “Why do you want to hurt me?” Meaning: I will try to use your compassion to induce further guilt about your not trusting me and the fantasy to blame you for the breakup/fight. I will project my motivations onto you so that you are distracted by questioning your own morality.
3. “I did it to protect myself.” Meaning: I’m unprepared to lie elaborately, so I will spin half truths and perform the victim role now that you’ve cornered me. I only did what I did because I was victimized first.
4. “Are you ever wrong? Have you ever been abusive to anyone?” Meaning: You cannot deny my abuse, perhaps I’m the one who told you about it, but now I will shift focus from my relevant deviant behaviors and play upon your high conscientiousness to have you wondering if you even a right to pass moral judgment upon me. If I can make you focus on times you’ve ever mistreated people, I can get you to see how we aren’t much different from each other, really.
“You just can’t accept me as I am!” Meaning: Rather than focus on my deceptive manipulations or the offense I’ve just committed, I again use your compassionate nature to convince you to think that you’re boundary setting or judgement of my behavior is in fact a cold rejection of me. If you were really a good person(not what you thinking ;)), you’d allow me to hurt you and others without protest.
This is brilliant. Thank you!!
My husband and his parents are like this.I ignore my husband and have absolutely nothing at all to do with his parents!They are all very nutty.