You know that the ending with a sociopath is almost always painful. Often they will discard without warning. They had been planning their escape behind your back, and it often comes as a shock to your system. To your face, they were most likely smiling at you with kind eyes, often (if they are charismatic) right to the very end, behind your back was another story.
After sudden discard, you are left with a lot of emotions, and questions, which you might find difficult to process without answers, or understanding of what has happened and why.
It might be tempting to pick up the phone, call or text the sociopath, or to send an email. Just to ask for clarification, to take that searing pain away inside of you. DON’T!!! DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT!!!
The sad truth, is that if you do this, you will only face more pain. Remember that the sociopath does not feel ‘love‘ in the same way that you do. Whilst you might be heartbroken, it is likely that they have just moved on with their life, as if nothing had happened. Leaving you feeling absolutely worthless, and heartbroken.
You might feel this way as you read this post. You might be blaming yourself, and wondering if there was anything that you could have done differently? The sad truth is no. There was nothing that you could have done which would have changed a thing. It might have dragged on for a longer period of time. Ultimately, the outcome would have been the same, or perhaps worse, as you might have experienced further loss or damage.
The sociopath is a compulsive pathological liar. Someone who is deceptive and manipulative who will say and do anything that they can to get what they want. They will do this for as long as they are getting their own way. They will leave you feeling discarded, worthless, and like you have had the life sucked out of you. Likely you have been drained, physically, emotionally, and often financially too. You are left feeling like an empty shell.
Why breaking no contact is a BAD idea!!
It might be impulsive, or you might think, that perhaps the sociopath has now calmed down, and would be prepared to talk to you. You might not want to let the relationship go, and want to talk to him, to beg or to plead with him, to work things out. Anything to get rid of the pain in your heart. You must just miss him, and want to be ‘friends’.
Breaking no contact, and making contact with the sociopath is a really bad idea. Why? …
It is a bad idea, because:
- You give control back to the sociopath
- You face further rejection, and heartache, undoing all your good progress
- You will never get an honest answer from the sociopath (he couldn’t tell the truth when you were with him, why would he start now?)
- If he does speak, he is likely to a) tell you how great life is without you b) say thank you for helping him on his way c) he has met someone else d) put you down e) use this opportunity to manipulate and use you further.
It simply WOULDN’T happen that the sociopath would pick up the call, or respond and say that they loved you or missed you, and that Mr Perfect you were sold in the beginning would re-appear.
He wouldn’t because he is selfish. He only thinks of his own needs. Due to this, if he felt that he NEEDED you (they don’t love in the same way), he would call YOU!
Sociopaths are not backwards in coming forwards. Believe me, he isn’t sat there breaking his heart hoping that you would call. If he wanted to talk to you, he would. He would pick up the phone and call you.
If he does pick up the phone, or respond to an email it will only bring further pain. It will set you back to day one, square one of healing
Remember, that the sociopath is SELFISH…. if he calls it is because it is convenient to him. Not because he cares about you and how you are feeling. Likely he has created another life behind your back, whilst keeping you prisoner and under his control.
That is just the way that they are.
What are the benefits of No Contact?
It might feel like you are having your teeth pulled with no pain relief. Establishing and keeping No contact, can (at first) be painful. However, it is the best and most effective thing to do. Here is why:
- You give yourself time to heal
- Without the sociopath in your life, you will do things for you
- You are no longer manipulated or controlled
- There is peace in silence
- You can move forward – bring others into your life
- You take back control over you
- It offers you respect for yourself
Get your feelings out!
It is important to get your feelings out. But NOT to the sociopath, it’s pointless. After all they will only lie further and manipulate. This can subsequently lead to feelings of depression, anxiety and low self worth. My top 5 tips for getting your feelings out without breaking contact.
1. Write an email, but DO NOT press send. Instead save in draft.
2. Talk to someone that you trust, a close friend or family member
3. Seek out others who have been through the same thing. Victim support forums can be really useful. Talk to others who understand, and can help you to see the light with reality. They also will understand, after all they have dated ‘crazy’ too.
4. Keep a journal, so you can track your recovery
5. Do some exercise. Exercise can be good for the soul. It releases endorphins in your brain, and is good for that feel good factor. Physical excercise is good, running, cycling, any sport really is good.
6. Be realistic about time. The longer that you were together, the longer it is going to take for you to heal. Be mindful of this. Don’t break contact because it has been a month, and you are still hurting. It IS important to do SOMETHING! This does NOT include making contact with your ex!!
7. If you are really struggling, write three lists – List One – All the reasons that you miss this person – List Two – All the reasons this person is bad for you, all the character traits you hate, and that hurt you List Three – a list of short term goals for the future.
Whatever you do, do not speak to the sociopath. All that you do is give him further information about you which will be likely be either used against you, or you will be manipulated with. Whatever, the outcome will be to set back your recovery again to day one. Nothing will change. The sociopath is NOT sat at home hoping that you will call him. He isn’t like that. He is selfish. If he wanted to speak to you, he would, and likely if he did, it would be because he WANTED SOMETHING!! (you know I am right!!)
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