How to get your feelings out, without breaking No Contact!
You know that the ending with a sociopath is almost always painful. Often they will discard without warning. They had been planning their escape behind your back, and it often comes as a shock to your system. To your face, they were most likely smiling at you with kind eyes, often (if they are charismatic) right to the very end, behind your back was another story.
After sudden discard, you are left with a lot of emotions, and questions, which you might find difficult to process without answers, or understanding of what has happened and why.
It might be tempting to pick up the phone, call or text the sociopath, or to send an email. Just to ask for clarification, to take that searing pain away inside of you. DON’T!!! DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT!!!
The sad truth, is that if you do this, you will only face more pain. Remember that the sociopath does not feel ‘love‘ in the same way that you do. Whilst you might be heartbroken, it is likely that they have just moved on with their life, as if nothing had happened. Leaving you feeling absolutely worthless, and heartbroken.
You might feel this way as you read this post. You might be blaming yourself, and wondering if there was anything that you could have done differently? The sad truth is no. There was nothing that you could have done which would have changed a thing. It might have dragged on for a longer period of time. Ultimately, the outcome would have been the same, or perhaps worse, as you might have experienced further loss or damage.
The sociopath is a compulsive pathological liar. Someone who is deceptive and manipulative who will say and do anything that they can to get what they want. They will do this for as long as they are getting their own way. They will leave you feeling discarded, worthless, and like you have had the life sucked out of you. Likely you have been drained, physically, emotionally, and often financially too. You are left feeling like an empty shell.
Why breaking no contact is a BAD idea!!
It might be impulsive, or you might think, that perhaps the sociopath has now calmed down, and would be prepared to talk to you. You might not want to let the relationship go, and want to talk to him, to beg or to plead with him, to work things out. Anything to get rid of the pain in your heart. You must just miss him, and want to be ‘friends’.
Breaking no contact, and making contact with the sociopath is a really bad idea. Why? …
It is a bad idea, because:
- You give control back to the sociopath
- You face further rejection, and heartache, undoing all your good progress
- You will never get an honest answer from the sociopath (he couldn’t tell the truth when you were with him, why would he start now?)
- If he does speak, he is likely to a) tell you how great life is without you b) say thank you for helping him on his way c) he has met someone else d) put you down e) use this opportunity to manipulate and use you further.
It simply WOULDN’T happen that the sociopath would pick up the call, or respond and say that they loved you or missed you, and that Mr Perfect you were sold in the beginning would re-appear.
Why not?
He wouldn’t because he is selfish. He only thinks of his own needs. Due to this, if he felt that he NEEDED you (they don’t love in the same way), he would call YOU!
Sociopaths are not backwards in coming forwards. Believe me, he isn’t sat there breaking his heart hoping that you would call. If he wanted to talk to you, he would. He would pick up the phone and call you.
If he does pick up the phone, or respond to an email it will only bring further pain. It will set you back to day one, square one of healing 
Remember, that the sociopath is SELFISH…. if he calls it is because it is convenient to him. Not because he cares about you and how you are feeling. Likely he has created another life behind your back, whilst keeping you prisoner and under his control.
That is just the way that they are.
What are the benefits of No Contact?
It might feel like you are having your teeth pulled with no pain relief. Establishing and keeping No contact, can (at first) be painful. However, it is the best and most effective thing to do. Here is why:
- You give yourself time to heal
- Without the sociopath in your life, you will do things for you
- You are no longer manipulated or controlled
- There is peace in silence
- You can move forward – bring others into your life
- You take back control over you
- It offers you respect for yourself
Get your feelings out!
It is important to get your feelings out. But NOT to the sociopath, it’s pointless. After all they will only lie further and manipulate. This can subsequently lead to feelings of depression, anxiety and low self worth. My top 5 tips for getting your feelings out without breaking contact.
1. Write an email, but DO NOT press send. Instead save in draft.
2. Talk to someone that you trust, a close friend or family member
3. Seek out others who have been through the same thing. Victim support forums can be really useful. Talk to others who understand, and can help you to see the light with reality. They also will understand, after all they have dated ‘crazy’ too.
4. Keep a journal, so you can track your recovery
5. Do some exercise. Exercise can be good for the soul. It releases endorphins in your brain, and is good for that feel good factor. Physical excercise is good, running, cycling, any sport really is good.
6. Be realistic about time. The longer that you were together, the longer it is going to take for you to heal. Be mindful of this. Don’t break contact because it has been a month, and you are still hurting. It IS important to do SOMETHING! This does NOT include making contact with your ex!!
7. If you are really struggling, write three lists – List One – All the reasons that you miss this person – List Two – All the reasons this person is bad for you, all the character traits you hate, and that hurt you List Three – a list of short term goals for the future.
Whatever you do, do not speak to the sociopath. All that you do is give him further information about you which will be likely be either used against you, or you will be manipulated with. Whatever, the outcome will be to set back your recovery again to day one. Nothing will change. The sociopath is NOT sat at home hoping that you will call him. He isn’t like that. He is selfish. If he wanted to speak to you, he would, and likely if he did, it would be because he WANTED SOMETHING!! (you know I am right!!)
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Dating a Sociopath 
Very good advice. Another way to look at this is to think of the toxic relationship as an addiction. Just like quitting any other addiction, at first every fiber of your being will urge you to run back. But every time you run back, you will only spiral down further. You have to go against your gut feeling to return and allow yourself to go through withdrawal to get to the other side.
Oh definitely, I often described it as like quitting smoking. it is tough at first, but it gets easier over time. That pain you feel is the weakness leaving your body – and as you say the toxins too 🙂
you know, recent studies have shown that break ups are sensed in the same part of the brain receptors as cocaine withdrawals. so that, paired with a sociopath can be quite a terrible thing to experience.
That is interesting Amanda, I hadn’t heard of that before.
very realistic comparation
You’re spot on about the addiction! I went from occasional binge drinker to full-blown addict in rehab, while trying to deal with the abuse from the ex. I was able to stop the drinking 2 years ago, but not the addiction to the toxic relationship. A few months ago I finally saw the similarities between what the ex was doing to me and what the booze did, and that’s how I was able to get out. The first thing I did when I decided to ditch him was get back in touch with my rehab centre for counselling. I knew I’d need to reinforce the same skills I’m using to stay sober, to stay away from the ex, as well as avoid turning back to the booze to cope with the emotions involved. My rehab centre works with both substance addicts and abused women. I told my therapist what I’d learned about addiction and toxic relationships and she thought it was a great comparison! She says she’s going to use the connection in future to help other women like me who have trouble breaking their addiction to toxic substances – and relationships.
That is right on for me. I have been in this insanity for five years. Every time I would end it. I would allow him to manipulate me right back and my spirit was completely broken before I finally was done. It has been hands down the most toxic and damaging relationship I have had. I just couldn’t accept that I had been involved with a man of that caliber. I was smarter then this. So I thought. He won’t leave me alone. I just keep praying the serenity prayer and reminding myself of the misery that he is. Thank God for websites like the ones that have helped me and saved my life. Like this one. I had really been in a very dark place.
Hi Jen welcome to the site. Are you split now? How long for? I hope you find good support here.
That is right on for me. I have been in this insanity for five years. Every time I would end it. I would allow him to manipulate me right back and my spirit was completely broken before I finally was done. It has been hands down the most toxic and damaging relationship I have had. I just couldn’t accept that I had been involved with a man of that caliber. I was smarter then this. So I thought. He won’t leave me alone. I just keep praying the serenity prayer and reminding myself of the misery that he is. Thank God for websites like the ones that have helped me and saved my life. Like this one. I had really been in a very dark place.
The pain in withdrawal actually is coming back into contact with the original vulnerability you were trying to block out by using the addictive substance. You’re no longer masking the pain, which usually comes from long before, sometimes as far back as early childhood.
Not always. Sociopaths can target people who are temporarily weak and vulnerable. This could be due to an incident which traumatises them, or a death which leaves them grieving. Ordinarily they might not be this way. But the sociopath exploits those weaknesses to control.
In those circumstances, it is not related to childhood, but to the incident that has happened, that somebody is recovering from. This is not the victims fault. But the sociopath for being an opportunist, and exploiting that vulnerability for his or her own reward and profit.
Exactly what happened to me. My nephew was dying of spinal meningitis and soon they had to cut off his legs and his arms to try to save him. He didn’t make it and it hit the family very hard as he was only four. She swooped in to “help” as we grieved and I let her stay. At points of my sadness she said to me “people die, get over it”. So cruel and heartless. I broke up with her through text as I found that it was impossible to do face to face since she wouldn’t have that. She sucked me back in for another 2 and half years with promises of change and that she really loved me all the fake shit they say to lure you back to them.
I am sorry for what happened to you with your nephew Allison. What an awful thing to happen 😦
I can really empathise. I met the sociopaths in my life, after my daughter died, and I was left traumatised, with severe PTSD. It is truly wicked what some people do. All that I can say is that they literally have no conscience. It is all about them, and what they can get from you! 😦
I am recently liberated from an abusive relationship with a sociopathic woman. and you guys are right. empower yourself by doing other things and realize that this person LACKS NORMAL EMOTIONAL. EMPATHY FOR not only themselves but the whole world. they will never be that loving caring compassionate person that you need in your life without some type of life changing trama.i too started drinking more than usual but im going to the doctors next to get a blood scan and a psychological evaluation to see if i can get any type state funding for developing a ligitimate inflamitory disease alchoholic hepititus c this disease is a direct result of enourmous unwarented stress in dealing with this individuals lack of consideration and empathy for human life . she just couldn,t and wouldn,t offer any resolution to her cutting off and shutting me down mentally . so, it was so edifying to find out though that this sickness is a legitimate desease which strips one of basic human morality and compassion . now.im finally free and understand the truth. she has the worst kind of issue known to mankind. emotionally dead. what a lonely existance.but she,s already working on her next victim on SOCIAL MEDIA i will secretly give warnings on these sights so that peolpe are aware of the devaststion that this sociopathic person is capable of . thankyou guys , pay attention to each other ,we need each other so badly. stay intouch . heres my email if anyone wants to correspond and share (davidahicks278@yahoo.com)
Hello – I sent you an email too talk about your expereince and hope to get more info on mine.
Hi Evan I haven’t seen your email? I will check again. Apologies if you haven’t had a reply.
Interesting.. in other words, the withdrawal feelings has more to do with the deep rooted pain we had prior to this toxic relationship then that’s coming to surface and not from our toxic partner?
Yes, absolutely I believe so. Like a deep soul core wound. Often this is a message that you have been sent in childhood, a message that you send about yourself. The sociopath provides a band aid for a while over that wound. Which makes you feel amazing. Then of course they use that against you, and cause horrific pain. pain like perhaps you have never felt before. It is the mirror image, remember?
That’s why I used the words “usually” and “sometimes” in my statement “usually comes from long before, sometimes as far back as early childhood”.
I do agree that they exploit weaknesses, and the people I have met along the road of healing and recovery, did become stronger than the women that they were prior to meeting the sociopath. The sociopath will, force you to examine yourself. Your weaknesses. Most importantly will teach you to trust yourself, to love yourself. To put your own needs first, and to not expect anyone else to ‘fix’ you, or bring a miracle cure – at least that is what I think the lesson should be? There are some circumstances, when, it is my personal belief, that are not appropriate for such life lessons. That is my own personal belief, and I cannot say whether that view is right or wrong.
I think what these relationships do is rip to the surface whatever wounds you have unresolved, whether they be longstanding or relatively new or both, so you are forced to face them. Some people crumble and break down. Others finally start healing since there is no other choice. I think it can go either way. But the relationship serves to bring the crisis to the forefront demanding attention.
I do agree with you!! 🙂 I see it this way too. Which is why it is better to fully heal, recover, and learn the lessons of the relationship. Rather than trying to heal with someone new, as you could risk meeting another one.
PN- I agree with you. I realized after my sociopath relationship that I need to love & respect myself if I don’t no one will. I was looking for other people to do it for me after my divorce but the wounds were thee well before I got divorced. I was ripe for the picking and he swooped in and 4 years later I’m writing to you on this site. I had not idea what hit me. I have had no contact for almost 2 months before this he still had a bunch of his things still at my house. He had something delivered to my house last week, I sent him a text, very short telling him to pick up his stuff at my neighbors and to change the address. I want to think it was a mistake but then I wonder if it was a calculated move to test the waters and see if he could talk to me. It’s been 8 months since he moved out on his own he is probably in financial trouble. No matter how much he makes he will always spend more. I am working on healing myself, trying to love myself which is foreign to me. One day at a time, everyday without the sociopath is closer to peace in our lives. Remember we mean nothing- they are “friends” to no one.
Great comment abbina. It is hard to comprehend that they would send mail to your address accidently. But they have little else in their life so can spend time plotting and scheming how to get their own way. I guess you will never know, but do think that you handled it in the right way.
Positivagirl. I’m still struggling everyday. It was work supplies he had delivered to my house, that was the only reason I thought it might have been deliberate. When I found this site I realized they do nothing by accident. He fits a lot of what is described on this site. He was a charismatic sociopath so I never saw it coming. I was not happy in my relationship my health was suffering, stomach problems, chronic hives. I never thought to ask him to leave, I was dependent on him emotionally. I am starting to get my life back but it is slow. I always think things happen in our lives that shape who we become, we need to learn from our life experiences. I am an adult child of an alcoholic, I’ve been in counseling on and off for years, I thought I was doing good until…my ex husband and now my ex boyfriend. I realized I am still picking the same personality in my partners- my ex husband was a narcissistic and my boyfriend was a sociopath. Alcoholics are narcissists. I’m almost 50 I’m just realizing I don’t love or respect myself. I am working on loving myself it’s a work in progress, I’m determined. Your site has helped me to understand this personality disorder better and is helping me to move forward thank you so much.
My last ex was also a charismatic sociopath. the mask of charisma can have you so confused. Their cheerful banter the way that they groom you to own you and possess you. They create dependency deliberately by what they do. I am glad that you are starting to get your life back. The more that you focus on you and your life the easier this transition will be. If you find you are still picking the same types as partners perhaps you are not allowing yourself long enough on your own to heal and recover? … At least that is what happened to me. Not being fully healed allowed me to be wide open to meeting another one.
Totally feel this. I forgot to do the things that make ME happy and be myself instead of living my life for someone else. I realize I am better off and more successful and fulfilled than she will ever be. Just getting rid of the icky residue of the feelings that I am left with.
im new this just happened to me in the last 9 months she shut down without any type of warning and she wouldn,t say a word . it was like death all over again. but THANK God for the truth. she has a horrible desease and im praying for her but. im taking the steps to healing . do you , i didn.t understand this because i was emotionally dependant on her. dont ever do this again realize that , dont depend on anyone emotionally . its a bit dishearting but it puts you in a very protective place. im about to do a good workout. put on some comfortable clothes and head to the beach
yes it is usually a repeat cycle to get you to realize that there is something you need to work on from your childhood or some other part of your life. i agree 100%
Spoken Straight to the Core. I would like to add that while some may crumble and break down…that may just be part of their process and we should all hope that they then, can continue in their healing process. Ultimately, no matter the path we take to healing, so long as we keep forging forward, is all that matters. I say this on the heels of seeing the guy who hurt me spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. He almost broke me completely. And I am a strong woman. It wasn’t until he physically “practiced” his ju jitsu, while we were “making love”, that I FINALLY was able to make the break. Alive. And now I am trying to stay so focused on not just Surviving ( I did that already) but THRIVING. I have studied and researched and SUD (substance abuse disorder) and IPV (intimate partner violence) are Closely related. SO whether it was your abusive sociopath who also abused substance…alcohol, ice, whatever…or if it was you maybe drinking too much or trying this or that other way (at 115 pounds, I was drinking 6-8+ beers a night, for Years…and I was not overweight!) …just to numb the pain…doesn’t matter. only thing matters is that you get safe and get straight. Take Extreme Self Care. Breathe. Put all your focus on getting yourself Healthy, in every sense of the word…and if you have kids, them too. But TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF> Make it a priority. Eat well, stop or cut back drinking or whatever substance. take a hot bath, a long shower. shave your dam legs. Put a small fragrant flower behind your ear. Start touching base with your friends that you have become isolated from (that was part of his/her plan, to isolate you} The ones who REALLY love you and who matters…they been WAITING for you. Trust me. They just didn’t know how to deal with this, but they been waiting for you…and they will love on you and just be so grateful that you are safe and moving towards healing. All that being said. I saw my ex for the first time in 6 months. It was from afar, but I know he communicated to the person in his car something about me because as I drove past, she turned slowly to look at me. Neither one of them was smiling and all I could think was of all the studies I’ve read and books and blogs and forums and all I could think was “Lord, I hope she gets out before he kills her”, He almost killed me and studies show, it only escalates. He has so far, been dodging going to jail for what he did to me. It’s given him time to snag another. No doubt, he’s told her all the lies he told me…how I am the wicked one and he’s the victim. But that doesn’t take away the fact that because he is able to stall the court system, meantime, someone else has been targeted. Selfishly…I am able to say…although I did “allow him a victory” in that I drank a couple beers (when I have pretty much knocked that shit off)…I am not sitting here pinning about him having sex with someone else. But I do feel helpless in stopping more harm from him, to undoubtedly, another innocent beautiful person. But I am not going to break my No Contact by “trying to warn her”. I can pray that she’s smarter than me! How Else? IF there was a way to Lawfully, STOP these sociopaths, dead in their tracks…I mean, afterall. I think they all wish they was dead, anyhow. really. they are not happy humans, obviously. they cannot even understand God’s Love. and I guess that’s why the rest of us don’t have free reign to annihalate them off the face off this earth. HENCE< just focus on getting Away(surviving) that association and then Thriving. Leave it behind and move in a positive forward progression. It's a matter of ReWiring our brains. Think on Good.
Me Again! I figured I should lay out some real Practical Ways to take Extreme Self Care. Cuz when I was first told this, I had no Idea How…after all I been thru, after years of just reacting to the insanity, being Spun out from the roller coaster merry-go-round, the gaslighting, the lies the blah blah blah Bull Shit….I had lost all concept of what it really meant to take care of myself, besides making sure I was pleasing to HIM, much less, what I really needed.
SO. FIRST> GO to the doctor. Get a papsmear, mammogram, physical, full blood work…see the dentist, the eye doc. If you have been keeping up on this…then GOOD! IF not, then make that appointment. I know it’s hard sometimes just to make a phone call…it’s hard to know when you will be able to go. I am saying do all this AFTER you GET OUT and have gotten to a safe place. OR…if you are still stuck, if you can, then can! but Start taking care of your body.
If you are maybe drinking too much or whatevers…and you know if you are…try slowing down. or stop. and instead, get into eating Whole Real Food. If you are reading this, you are on a computer and you are resourseful. Google. Roam around. Look about you.
nurture your being, come strong,
and share with other’s. or just one other.
just keep paying things forward. breed love.
Great comment, thank you! 🙂
I dated a sociopath very briefly after knowing him for a year. Totally ignored all the warning signs, but I in a very vulnerable state at the time (SHOCKING that he took advantage of this lol). He was a charismatic sociopath though, and was always telling me how I am a QUEEN and so intelligent and deserved the world and blah blah blah. After he completely conned and ROBBED me of $$, he even got in contact with me months later and apologized for being wrong. Of course I told him I didn’t believe he had the ability to feel remorse but thanks for faking it, and he goes “Lol you’re so ridiculous.” But didn’t DENY being unable to feel remorse.
Anyway, I got sucked into “Well maybe we can be friends, he doesn’t even live in the same city as me anymore” but I have realized that this is VERY dangerous thinking because he obviously is just keeping me on the back burner until he needs to use and abuse me again. He is just so damn charming that it’s like I have amnesia as soon as he starts talking. I am so glad I came across this website to give me a reality check.
Hey Brittany, nice to meet you! yes, it sounds like he was keeping you on the backburner, stalling for time so you didn’t move onto someone else.
They always want to keep a source of supply on reserve – just in case. You know, if you go back the pattern simply repeats. Like you say they don’t experience or feel remorse guilt or shame. So they just chance it to see if you are going to go through the same thing again. For some reason – they get a high from conning you twice… often the pattern repeats twice as fast the next time around. If its not you, it will be someone else….. wouldn’t you rather it be someone else and not you? 🙂
That second paragraph is totally me too. We live across the country. But for a year we kept starting to talk again. Every time I knew it was a bad idea but every time I did it anyway. And this last time completely blew up in my face, it’s so bad now that he enlisted this lady with a long criminal record for things like assault and harassment, to start harassing me. No contact is forced now because if I contact him at all he’ll call the police. They’ve been calling the police on me for ridiculous things, trying to get me locked up in the psych ward. I went back to him again and again for a year because he is so charming and I’d fall back in love with him every time. He is insanely charming and I believed everything. This is so recent I still don’t want to believe that it’s true but I’ve known for a year he is a sociopath. I just always talking myself out of it and made excuses for him. This is so incredibly hard, I feel like he has me brainwashed. I’m glad I found this site. No one understands unless they’ve been with one. My friends just don’t get it, they’d just say stay away from him, he’s a jerk! They don’t understand.
We understand too well. I think, it is rare for anyone to post a comment that I can’t relate to.
How awful to go through that. You know…. take back your power and your control. See it as an addiction. Realise that craving an addiction, is not the same as love.
I loved smoking….. yet I would have died for a cigarette when I tried to quit, my body was screaming out for it…
See him the same. Use visualisation. Whatever you like. Replace the image of him in your head with something like…. a snake with a forked tongue who would kill you…. or a cigarette, with smoke that breaths CANCER… whatever visualisation works for you.
It should help your mind to stop playing tricks on you, as this is what he is poison.
Thank you so much for your web site, it gives me strength. I have ben involved with mine for 4 years, he has always had other relationships, my fault apparently. My father died 2 years ago and it has been very difficult. I dont believe that this would have lasted if I was not so vulnerable at the time. I have found that the only way I can maintain the no contact thing is to make him hate me. I told him exactly what I thought of him, including that he was a sociopath, he was raging angry at me, but he has kept him away. I know he will contact me in the future, but I will be strong enough to not respond by then I hope. I hate resorting to raging myself, and hurting someone I really loved, but I have been trying to break up and remain friends for months now, he is always back in bed within the week.
He has already found his new source, but still insists I am the love of his life.
I am ashamed of my anger, but it may be the only way to keep him at bay long enough for me to heal.
I thank you all so much for keeping tho site going, its so important.
good luck and lots of support to everyone on here. We can do it.
Hey Stephanie
I have behaved exactly like you. I became so angry at him and wrote him such horrible and nasty things as I wanted him to leave me alone. It hurts me so much that I reacted that way towards the man I have loved and still love, but the pain he caused me was too much. I left him 7 weeks ago after catching him with a prostitute, his reaction to this was going online and creating several online profiles on dating sites, while I spent nights crying awake tossing and turning. He finally told me he is a sex addict and has been sleeping with prostitutes long before he met me, we were together for 4 years, on and off. I am 43 and he is 47. So he robbed me 4 beautiful years of my life. I am still suffering so much and don’t know when I will be able to love and trust anyone else but I am trying day by day, no contact helps me though I miss him so much. But it is better like this as finally I have some peace, life with him was full of pain, anxiety, ow, lies, rejection etc. I deserve much better and my kids deserve a happy mother not the woman he had turned me into as I couldn’t keep up with his escapades, deceit and lies.
I wish you well and keep strong.
We can do it
Ditto for me Yes, we can do it!!!
Dear positivagirl
I feel sick to my stomach tonight. After going no contact for almost 2 months I caved last night, despite my gut telling me I really shouldn’t go there. All the reasons you give above for not contacting have hit me. I feel gutted. It was the anniversary of the night we met last year and he had always said he’d return to the place where we met. I was curious as to if he would and went to see. He was there! Although the 2 months without him had been hard, it feels much worse now. We sat and chatted and several hours later came away thinking what ON EARTH was that all about! Summarized:
Said I never understood or appreciated the depth of his love for me and that I had treated him like a toy (and that no man on earth would ever love me as he did)
I didn’t respect him ( because I had maintained no contact till now)
Said he was there last night for him, not for me and he would return every year regardless of what situation he was in!? As he would return on my birthday…because HE needed that.
When I asked he said he was back online (I knew this) and had met two women …… Told me one is a British woman in a difficult marriage with 7 children …..she just needs someone to talk to (as he does) and that it’s purely ‘friendship’. I said she might not see it that way and his ever selfish response was he made it clear that’s what HE wanted (which I don’t believe). It hurt me as his face lit up when he was talking about her. Both are taking a huge risk as he’s a national of a very conservative Islamic state and they have met together in public! (He’s divorced with 4 kids.)
The other woman had flown into town en route home to the UK for Christmas…says she’s 15 years his senior. Said he spent the evening talking about us and our failed relationship all evening (but without denigrating me!)…(again I doubt he’d discuss his ‘love’ for me with a new target) and she apparently said I didn’t deserve him;that his was the kind of love every woman is looking for! He also said he never touched her!
He asked me several times if I had met anyone. I told him I didn’t and couldn’t operate like that, but he only seemed interested in the fact I hadn’t met anyone.
When we were parting, I went to hug him and he pulled back. That hurt. Said he would always love me but spiritually now from a distance. Because of my behaviour in the relationship, he felt ‘scared’ that I would just up and leave anytime. I reminded him that my lack of trust stemmed form finding him back online dating 6 months ago, but he accused me of only focusing on that part of him.
After another hour in the car park and before we parted, he held me tightly for ages and said goodbye. I stupidly, caught up in the moment, said maybe we could try and make it work again….I’m so in love with this twisted human…..he shook his head and just said he wanted no more drama (the creator of all our drama!!) and just see what the future brings.
We both drove away. I felt so confused and once again confused and feeling empty by what had just happened. Incidentally, he was shocked at the fact that I’d moved apartment (I don’t know why). Today, I feel stupid but also emotionally drained and really low about what happened last night, as is still don’t understand all the contradictory information that came from him. I know he’s off meeting the OW tonight and that hurts. The thing is I’m well educated, and my friends say in a league above him, though I’d never compare myself to anyone like that. But I hate the fact he’s now cosying up with a woman with 7 children while still professing I’m the only true love he’s ever known and I’m sitting at home on the sofa crying as I type. Just wish I had a shoulder to cry on and I’d never met him. Love and hugs to everyone here x
First thing that sprung to mind when he said he had talked all night about you – without putting you down, I thought – oh he is talking to her about you playing victim.
Second thing that sprung to mind was – are these women like this? Sounds convenient. Oh there are two (to make you jealous) but 0h there is no chance of permanency – one has 7 children …. (the chances of) and the other was just going through town (just in case you change your mind) he is still available he is saying.
He might not be with anyone. Remember that they tell lies? …. if he was really cosying up with someone else why did he come to meet you?
Sorry to hear that you are feeling down 😦 that is no good….. Did you agree to meet there on your anniversary? I find it odd that if you did…. you both showed up…. sociopaths are quite loyal in their disloyal kind of way….
Thanks positivagirl for your insights. Yes, I felt the stories about the two women were definitely designed to make me jealous, though I think they may be true. The usual mind games then….he’s saying hes still available but he can’t be with me even though supposedly I am the only woman he’s ever truly fallen in love with. “I can love you spiritually from a distance ( but still need to check what time you are on Whatsapp every day.. to know you are fine!? )” he said.
My thoughts on him discussing our relationship all evening was to tell her how I just ended things and cut all contact with him….he was presenting himself as the victim…a real pity play. I still think this is a lie (that he discussed us at length with a prospective target). He’s just letting me know his thoughts on it.
We hadn’t arranged to meet. Early on in the ‘fairy tale’ stage I had suggested we return to the spot we had met on our first anniversary. I mentioned it several times in the course of the relationship. I suppose I just wanted to see if a) he’d remember the date and b) if he’d show up even though we had been no contact for 6 weeks and he was back online dating. Honestly, I was shocked to see him….I really didn’t think he’d show up. But he made it clear – he was there for him he said, not anything to do with me. (?) I asked him what he’d have done if I hadn’t shown up and he said he’d have driven to my apartment and looked to see if my car was there and know that I was fine….would never knock on the for or bother me. (He’s very obsessive) that’s when he asked me if I’d moved and was shocked when I said yes.
I’m not sure what you mean by the last sentence…’sociopaths are quite loyal in their disloyal kind of way’ . Can you please explain.
Anyway, I turned a corner today…I deleted Whatsapp from my phone…no more snooping on me. I feel better from doing such a small thing.
Thank you again positivagirl for this site and to everyone here…I visit it every evening and it gives me strength and hope. I hope 2014 is a better one for all of us. Have a peaceful and happy Christmas. Lots of love x
Cee
Yes…when there was contact my ex was more than thrilled to tell me, “How great she was doing without me.” Like a fool I tried harder to make things right. She went on a campaign of emotional terror. I’ve never seen anyone I’ve hated more.
Ah they love to do this broken. to tell you how great they are doing without you. How they have met someone new who is amazing. how life is so much better than it was with you – because of course it was all your fault.
I sometimes wonder if they operate on robot default. They all say the same things! 🙂
It has to be a demon program in them….all have the same modus operandi
I’m actually working on a restraining order on him with the local women’s shelter. I’m going there today to see if it’s even possible to get one. I’m really nervous and had to write out our whole relationship. And that made me see all the little things I never saw before that were his ways of controlling me and having power. I was blind to it all because I was so in love. I’m hoping if I can get the RO it will give me some power back and will assure I will never ever contact him again. And that he cannot contact me to guilt me back.
This is great news Erin, you should receive support for you from the shelter. I am pleased that you have this support. They can help you with the order, and also support you through. There is likely nothing you will tell them that they haven;t heard before. I am really pleased that you getting support.
I’m just worried I won’t be able to get a restraining order. He has emotionally abused me but not much physical. But he does have a history of violence with his exes. So we’ll see. He just flipped so bad this week I am scared of what will happen when he comes to town next month.
I am sure that if you are receiving support and they are helping you to obtain one that they will know what to put for the order. I would hope so!! 🙂
Day 2 of no contact. I met the therapist today for the first time. Since I had planned what I wanted to work on and already worked through the related childhood triggering experiences a few weeks ago, it wasn’t so hard. The truths she will undoubtedly have to share with me about myself will be harder.
No contact is harder. Knowing he has probably already deleted my # is painful. Realizing it gave me more something to do than it did him is equally painful. I am glad it is the weekend. The therapist failed to ask if I was taking anything. If it weren’t for my son, I’d take several Xanax and sleep the whole weekend. These are things I never say out loud. Guess it goes to show the point I’m at.
Hey Jusagirl. WELL DONE for 2 days No contact!!! Remember this is addiction. So take it one day at a time. Otherwise you might be tempted for a quick fix when your body is screaming out….. small chunks of time …. I am so pleased that you have started therapy, I hope that you have a good therapist. Live for those sessions, they are for you. You will find yourself strengthening as you keep to no contact. You have to let go so that you can GROW. Sociopaths are so controlling. Now it is time for you to gain back your strength for you. You are not losing anything at all losing him…. after all, you cannot lose what you never had!! 🙂
Thank you for your support. I’m just feeling overwhelmed. I didn’t uncover some basic key things about my childhood/upbringing until just a few weeks ago (and as a result of the soc experience). I’m just wondering how I will ever sort through this if I haven’t even started really sorting/confronting my past until now. “Work in progress” just feels like such an understatement.
Well then this is a blessing. For if you didn’t know those things you could never fix them. Maybe he has given you more than you realise. Now it’s time to focus on you!! Your worth your energy.
I broke up with my S on 28th October. He sent me a few Whatsapp messages the first and third week, but I didn’t reply. I have not deleted him or blocked him yet because to be honest I don’t feel ready and I fear how he might react….eg turn up on my doorstep. Fast forward to this weekend and I went away with three good friends. I didn’t check my phone over the two days and when I got back a text and Whatsapp were waiting for me saying how he didn’t want to intrude but he hadn’t seen me online for 2 days (Whatsapp) and was worried about me! I didn’t respond. My sister contacted me today to say he also got in touch with her (I live overseas, several thousand kilometres from home) so I was shocked. He told her the same thing (how worried he was about me) and also that she was like a sister to him and if she knew the meaning of real love she would understand why he was writing to her, (despite the fact that we have split up). What on earth is he playing at? I’m moving flat this week, so hopefully I’ll be too much effort for him to try and pursue after that. I’m wondering if anyone here has had a similar experience? And so the saga continues….just when you think he might have moved on, up he pops again. Positivagirl and everyone here, this is my ‘go to ‘ website at the end of every day. It helps more than you can ever know. Thank you all so very much. Hugs x
Sorry, Positivagirl, can you change my name to just Cee in my previous posting .I’m concerned he may find this….he’s very techno savvy and has already used spyware on my cellphone and hacked my emails. Thank you in advance
What was your name before? And how long back are we talking? My computer is having probs so am accessing this through my phone. I would have to go through every comment and change each one by hand.
Ah I think I see cee. No problem. It’s still in pending?
Done 🙂
Thank you…yes..1 Dec post and still pending 🙂
I thought I had changed it. I will have to go back through, thank you Cee 🙂
Help! I moved apartment at the weekend, thinking fresh start, page 1 of S-free life. I split up with him on 28th October, and though he has texted me (and my sister) several times….one week ago was the latest, and turned up on my door step 3 weeks ago, I have resisted the urge to respond in any way. However, the emotions I have felt since I moved are so unexpected. I feel I miss him now more than ever. I keep wondering has he met someone new and will I ever hear from him again. I thought this would be easy……why are my new surroundings making me feel like I’m taking a step backward emotionally? Has anyone else felt like this?
Cee, yes I have felt this! Please stay strong. I moved out of the home I shared with my S about a month ago.
As soon as I unpacked and took in my new surroundings, I just wanted to share everything with him and I needed him to be there for me. I felt empty and at a loss. He came and dropped some things off for me but I stayed neutral in front of him. I have him no physical contact at all.
I made him feel like I needed him to go so I could ‘crack on’. So as I was ‘happily’ saying goodbye and thank you, he burst in to tears and held me so tight for so long, I almost cried. But didn’t. Not until he was gone.
It had been a long time coming this move. So I thought I was emotionally prepared for my new life away from him, but after he left, all I could think about was his sadness and the way he clung to me. Then followed his texts of sad faces and broken hearts. I fell for it.
The fact that he made me think he was hurting, as I was, killed me and he tricked me in to opening my new home up to him. The following weekend, we arranged to hang out as ‘friends’. He bought his tools around and did a few bits for me in the house, even though I didn’t ask him to. Mr Perfect was back! It ended up with him in my bed and then he would leave soon afterward. I was trapped, again. Tricked and used. I needed the contact from him and the reassurance that it was real, us, his feelings but the contact from him throughout the week was minimal.. But each weekend, he came over and was perfect again and again we would end up in bed.
This continued until last Friday when I returned to his house for the first time since my move. Within hours, his controlling temper tantrums started as I was trying to order him what he had asked for for his dinner, shortly after I helped him with his washing and some house work.
I confronted him and he abused me and yelled at me and basically told me how shit I was and how disgusted I was to disrespect him in his own house. I told him that if he could still think that of me after all that I had literally just done to help, that he had issues. I told him he was a sociopath and needed help. I left and drove home, not hearing from him since.
I almost called him last night, but stopped myself. It’s been almost a week and every day I wake up, I feel different from the day before. Sometimes up, sometimes down.
Today I feel proud that I have maintained no contact and proud that I fought the strong urges I had to communicate with him yesterday. But who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow.. But I look forward to waking up no matter what, to add another day to my time accumulating with no contact.
It’s a feeling of accomplishment I haven’t felt for years and it feels amazing. Be kind to yourself. Keep up the good work xx stay silent xx
Thanks Festilla for sharing and for your words of support. I completely understand how you feel and how easy it is to let them in again….and the minimal contact once they’re back in…..and to get your head around that everything they say/do is just a ploy to get what they want from you.
My friends have been great, but they don’ t really ‘get’ the extent of the emotional addiction and pain. It feels lonely too…new surroundings but old feelings. Like you I go through a range of emotions on a daily basis…anger, sadness, emptiness. My emotional self has really a lot of catching up to do with my cognitive self. Our 1 year anniversary of meeting is coming up on 21st December…I’m dreading it for many reasons. I hope you have managed to maintain no contact since you posted… Let me know how you are getting on. You stay strong too. Hugs from here x
I’ve just come to the realization my very recently now ex is a charismatic sociopath…. and I don’t know if I can do this. This is hardest thing of my life. All’s I think about is suicide and to top it all off I’m 30 weeks pregnant with his baby.
No one truly understands how I feel.
I need help 😦
Hi Janelle, Please don’t take your life. You have so much to live for. When the father of my baby took off, refused to speak a word to me, for 3 months of pregnancy I was so heartbroken. I felt so alone. I wondered how i could do it. It was such a struggle through…. I did finally get my head around it. I became so focused, and then she died at the end of pregnancy. Focus on your baby. Your baby will bring you more unconditional love, and joy and growth in every area of your life, than he could ever give you. It sounds mean, but I wish he died and not my daughter…. you have so much to live for. I do get how it can feel. You are pregnant, hormonal and might feel isolated. You do have so much to look forward to…. really looking back – he was nothing and my daughter was everything. i wish she were here today.
I can sympathize with you. I have a daughter( 2) from an ongoing on again/ off again 8 year relationship with a spath. I made the mistake of contacting him one month ago & was immediately snowed by him. He promised to be a good father to our daughter who he has never even met & to come see her. He never showed. Please be strong for your baby.
Ok i have made the big mistake of breaking no contact. i thought i was strong enough to handle it! i was wrong!
After 3 months of not seeing this person, i actually was doing really good and even had total forgiveness for their actions and behavior. i knew it was all a lie and all a predator victim setup. The first lunch was easy, i was at an emotional distance, while she was crying her fake pity party. The 2nd lunch was also great and i was in total control and had no expectations for this person, but she was putting thoughts into my mind. After the 3rd outing trying to be friends to this person, it all broke apart, i lost it! The contradictions and lies and confusion all started again. She can not stop lying and because i wrote everything down when dealing with her, because i had no trust, i caught her when she tried to gas light. i noticed her voice had even changed over the last 3 months. she forgot her persona it seems. i even told her she had a different voice. she spoke better english than before like a different person. she was using broken english before to trick and deceive. now the english was clear and we actually had normal conversations. normal in the sense of me being able to understand her completely. before she would pretend to not understand or when i caught her lying she would say she meant something else. she would complain that it was a spanish/english problem when i caught her telling lies. she is very good at lying. anyway i lost my equalibrium for 3 days but now i am back to normal only because i have called some old friends to re train my brain to new things. i know now the first 2 dates were to implant thoughts and then the 3rd date was to try and break me down to her will and allow her to do wrong and for me to just say ok. the truth and her truth never meet and she expects others to say that it is fine and let her do her thing. she is actually insane from a logical point of view but emotionally she hooked me in before i knew her background and her insane way of life. it is a control grid she is trying on many people. i would rather be in a ditch than be around her. her view of reality is skewed and i will not be gaslighted and i will not go near her again. she did not change. i thought she may have but no way she just started where she left off and took no blame. she even showed more concern for her car damage then when i had an injury. never asked how i was doing at all. her love is money and stuff and could care less about another person unless they give her money or security. people to her are objects to be used and abused. after 1 year of dealing with her i am finally free! i had to change jobs but it was worth it. making less money but living in peace. the silence is scary at times but in those times i read others experiences on here. these people really do exist sad to say!
And I am sorry, this happen to you, I am so sick of liars. Whatever happen to honesty? I just really don’t understand?
Laugh if you’d like, I have to see my ex weekly, when I do have to speak to him, I see the flames of hell in his eyes, horns coming out of his balding head, and I know every word is a lie because his tongue is split, he truly is demonic. So with this mental image of him every week, I have no problem telling him no, and not believing a damn thing he says, and praying to God my children are safe with the poor decision making skills he has. It has taken me years to get to this point, but visualization does work.
So I just sent the message to declare do not contact, after a month of divorce and 3 years of drama, worry, headache and now heartache. I was doing well until his infidelity was confirmed by an outside party. But I should feel relieved to be standing my ground and not taking anymore mess. But I feel the anticipation for the smear to begin. Kinda nerve racking. But I know that any of my family and true friends that he tries to talk to will just shut him down. That leaves him with his “friends” that don’t even know me. He kept me so isolated from anyone he talked to or he was “friends” with. So what does it matter what he says about me? Right?
His response to my do not contact message? He says I’m not allowed to contact his friends or family in any way. Let’s see what his family says about that. I don’t think he has a leg to stand on. He’s not close with any of them and no one can trust him. All of them have said that they don’t want to lose contact with me and my kids. If anything, I may keep my distance to spare his family members any discomfort. Not sure what the future holds regarding that.
12 days of no contact here and I am doing everything I can think of not to break it. I want so much for him to give me closure to say he is sorry for the way he discarded me and crushed my heart. I received a text message last night from a gmail email address at 11 pm saying “HI ___, Have a nice day!” I have a feeling it was him with some made up email. He last survivor told me he likes to do that. He discarded me and is now living with a girl who has 4 children. Told me how happy he was and in love with her, how she does everything for him. That he will marry her within the next year. That she sees things in him that I didnt. Its hard enough to hear these things and to walk through this pain. If he is so happy with her shouldnt he just go on and leave me be? Before he told me how happy he was, he sucked me back in for a week saying how he didnt like it there, she misrepresented herself and he was stuck with her because he had no where else to go and he would move back in with me if my son would be ok with it. My son would not and I wouldnt do that to my son. As soon as he realized that wasnt going to happen, she was THE ONE and I was “a mistake”.
I was so angry I sent her copys all of our emails and text messages. Bad idea, she was angry with him at first but he of course talked his way out of it. It was my fault and I was just jealous and trying to break them up. She saw the text where he said he was stuck with her, but she chose to believe I was crazy and he is a keeper.
Two weeks after that I sent him an email to offer for him to pick up his things. He responded by again telling me things werent good over there, he would move back in in a heartbeat if my son would be ok with it and how he loved what we had.. I responded by saying I wasnt doing that well over here and I also loved what we had. 10 mins later he started sending me the emails about how happy they were etc.
I know with my head he isnt who he was. But my heart hurts still. I would never bring him back here, because I love my son more than anything and although he is only 12 he dislikes this spath for of course making me cry. I just hope it gets easier soon because I feel like a fool for falling for this SP and for not being able to get him out of my mind and to stop feeling like maybe we can be friends………………..
No contact is hard. It is even harder when your trying to wrap your mind around the hurricane (SP) that just ran through your life and emotions with such destruction. We still have feelings of love for the SP. The SP is the one who is not able to love. They use and abuse and will continue as long as we allow it. You are in control when you have no contact. As soon as you give in the insanity resumes. He has shown you who he truly is. Believe him. It can get worse. You and your son deserve better. He may be 12 but he is taking and digesting everything he is experiencing. He will handle things in his life by the way he sees you handle things in yours. Let you guys heal and remember God loves you and your son. He wants the best for you and if you reach out he can help you heal. God is in the healing business and he will make you a stronger women. Be good to yourself.
Oh god…..why is it so hard…..we didn’t even have good sex….last night I was going through some old pictures to take to a potluck of old friends next week. there were some pictures of stuff that I loved and wanted to bring with me when suddenly had the opportunity flee in the middle of the night …so yeah when he got really mad and ugly I just forgot material objects….they probably don’t even exist anymore from rough treatment….but I want them back right now like a junky wants drugs…..or I just don’t want him to have them and or I want control back….which I never really had ever….I feel like a maniac///thank god I have doctor appointment soon. Also glad I had this no contact and why to read….
Me and my SP have a child together. How does the no contact rule work with that? No he hasn’t seen the baby and I wont dare waste my time planning a trip to the jail he is located at, My thing is what am I going to do when he gets out and has back time child support to pay? Trust me, I have all his info and can contact him anyway I want. But for the record, I knew it would be a waste of time before I even found this website.
I am once again back to square 1. Have to do no contact. i let him lead me on again. he went to a clinic to supposedly work on himself so that we could be together. after week 3 i asked him if i could come and visit him and he said that the visiting hours were only in the evenings. i don’t have a car so travelling would have been difficult for me. My gut told me that something was dodgy. i called the clinic and found out that visiting hours on a weekend was from 2 – 8 pm. i asked to speak to him and they told me he had been discharged over a week ago. During that week that he was supposedly at the clinic, he told me such lies. How he had fallen asleep during hypnotherapy, how he had overslept and missed breakfast, how his wife (the one he was supposedly leaving) barely brought his son to see him. what he had learnt on the particular day in therapy.
i was so angry to find out that this had all been another lie. That instead of him leaving the clinic to start a new life with me, he had indeed left the clinic and gone back to his wife, meanwhile pretending daily that once he left it would be to be with me. He messaged me everyday while he was at clinic, telling me how much he loved me and wanted a life with me.
so on 22 June, his wife and i had it out via text. She claimed that he said he had no contact with me, that i was the one running after him and that i was relentless. i told her that he was still contacting me every day. She said that he said i had no proof. I was so bloody enraged that i thought, to hell with you and sent her snap shots of the comms that he had with me. that shut her up but i was so angry that i kept messaging her. She told me to leave him alone, to stop contacting him and answering him back she made it very clear that she was not letting go of him.
where was he during all of this you might ask….. well, he was right there with her. he put his phone off to avoid my confrontation.
later that night he messaged me to ask what the hell was going on, lied and said he was still in the clinic etc. i was so angry i sent those snapshots to her as well and told him that i had. Then there was silence on his part. yesterday, i went to see a psychologist, the same one he had been seeing while at the clinic. She told me that while there he and his wife were going for counselling. that he had made it seem as if he and i were over and that it was his decision. that when he left it was with the full intention of starting over with his wife. She was surprised to hear that he had never stopped messaging me.
so now i have someone to help me. No contact was what she advised. As if i did not know that this was the next step.
I left the psychologist feeling so raw, so broken and hurt. i sent him a message telling him that i knew all of the above, how it had hurt me that both his wife and the psych were the ones to tell me the truth.
he responded : i have not gone for counselling with her, i have never said that you and i were finished. your assumptions are wrong, i still love you very much, despite what has happened between us.
I was gobsmacked. now he is even saying the psych is lying.
anyway, i have gone back to no contact. Though i have been checking to see if he is online and he has been at very strange times of the morning. At one am and then for a while and then again when i looked at 4am. seems he has found a replacement and is possibly messaging her the same things he did to me at that stage. the i love you, cant sleep cos i wish you were in my arms. Missing you so much etc…
Right now i am so jealous, even though i read the above and know that i should not be. i keep asking myself why i was not enough for him. why i was never good enough. Why could he not love me. why could he not choose me.
He is not good enough for you that is what the universe is trying to tell you. Get back up , go nc and begin again
Been no contact since Saturday, the first two days were very difficult and i could not stop thinking of him, what was he doing, who is he with, who is he now bestowing his attention on. yesterday was a bit easier, i was very busy at work and then made plans to go out for supper with my brother and nephew, by the time i got home i was so tired and i just got into bed. The trick for me is going to be surrounding myself with family and friends in the evenings, because that is when i am most vulnerable…. only until i am strong enough to be on my own, because the true test is to be on my own and not give in to the temptation. he has not contacted me either, which plays on me, but i also realise that that is his game. He uses his Whatsapp status to send me indirect messages, currently all about assumptions and jumping to conclusions. i played back yesterday by posting one of my own… but that is still contact so i have stopped. Part of me still wants him back,,, the part that he has made reliant on him.. the other part of me wants to be free.
This video helped me to move past an affair I had with a spath. http://youtu.be/awY1MRlMKMc
I’d watch it and know that was essentially him and him laughing at me was enough to move on. Especially the part at 3 minutes. When you want to make contact watch this over and over very loudly.
Thanks for sharing Lee, I will check it out!!
WOW I have this song on my site, and recently put again on the Facebook page, but I had never seen the video before!!! Thank you!!!!
OMG…..that is them!!!
After 15 months of no contact and and order of protection that expired on Jan 30. I got this message from him via Facebook.” I am not going to bother u but if you have any intention of letting me have more of my things let me know. ” It’s a trap. I did not respond and blocked him.
Well done for not responding to him!!
Looking back at my post from April 2014 and where I am today. I just want to thank each and everyone of you. Before I found my way here I was so lost, broken and felt like I would never be ok again. Today I have my life back, I did for my son and I the best thing I could have, no contact works! So hard to do at the time but its necessary in order for you to heal.
He and his new “perfect” partner did contact me a few months after. I went to the police department and filed a harassment report on her. I just blocked him since I had no proof the police would accept for him calling from blocked numbers. I heard he has moved to Florida. I feel bad for his next victim but I can’t save the world.
If your here for the first time, please stay and keep reading. It works and I’m proof there is life after a SP.
Thank you again, all of you!!!!?
I am 3 months out I post on another site, but read here all the time as well! I think the anger is subsiding and all my research and putting things together is helping me get over it.
I can even make jokes. They are so sick.
Eeeeeew.
I was in such pain though.
Do you have any advice for those like me who happen to have children with the sociopath? I wish I could go no contact, but I can’t. I feel like I will NEVER be able to heal 💔.
I really appreciate this website. Thank you.
This is the 5th time I have ended my relationship with my sociopath boyfriend. It will be the final one. He was a master at “discard”. He had a sexual addiction that he promised each time he would address and stop. Each time he wanted out, all he did was leave his email open or his phone unlocked so I could see the messages confirming his hookups, knowing I would end it. Every time he left, he always came back. And I opened the door. Like a cat you feed that keeps coming back for more food, that you feel sorry for because it looks so hungry. He was the perfect pathalogical liar and would lie in the face of facts being presented to his face. I recall having something sitting on the counter and asking where it was, to which he replied, “I threw it away”. I began going through the garbage looking for it, after dumping the garbage on the kitchen floor, sifting through everything, he said it was in the outside dumpters. Even though it was raining, I went out and went through that as well. Finally, he said he had taken it to his mother’s house. Unbelievable. The last straw came when he said he was going to the gym and a few days later, I looked on his Dash Cam in the car while he was busy, only to find the 2 hours spent at the gym were really spent driving in rush hour traffic to a sleazy motel you rent by the hour for some hookkup sex. It is really helpful to write this. So if you think you are the only one ashamed to admit what you tolerated, don’t be – and this wasn’t even the worst thing he did.
Thank you for sharing bob. They really can make you feel like nothing I know.
Worse is they get sick pleasure from duping and conning too.
So he is calling me again, and sending me messages about how I wanted to end this relationship. He blame everything on me, that I am imagining things, accusing him and assuming things that he never did. In fact, he had just admitted to me few days ago about all those lies and how he has been flirting and chasing another girl. Now he said i was too sensitive and both of them has nothing more than friend. (A plus point, the girl he was flirting with and secretly date with has a boyfriend too, and yet they still do that.) All he said to me is ‘He want me, and he is used to have me.’ i know he just need something from me, until he get another girl. But I am very confused, and nostalgia, sometimes feeling like wanted answer his call and listen to what he has to say. Please give me some advice..
Go careful confused, that it isn’t a case that ‘he doesn’t want you but he doesn’t want anybody else to have you’.
My SP ex finally left the house, never paid me my money, didn’t pay rent and almost left me homeless after I have to beg the real estate not to evicted me, found out everything he said since day 1 was a lie and lie until the last day, broke my heart, made me think I was in the wrong and rejected me when I just wanted a hug. I love him so much, oh well the person I thought he was and he left me empty, alone. He knew he was my first relationship[ since my divorce and took advantage of me economically and emotionally, never loved me… even tho he said he did. He knew I didn’t have any family here and still did all those things to me. He has left me devastated and broken. I’m so grateful to have so many friends and they all have helped me but I can’t deal with this and I feel bad to take their time….I miss him so much. He hasn’t contact me and I don’t think he will, but its so bad because I do want him to contact me. I kept thinking when I get sad that I didn’t lost a good person while he did, but it is hard. I’m trying so hard to do everything to get him out of my heart and head but I’m so devastated, he chose the perfect target. I only can think is why me? I don’t think I’m a bad person to deserve this 😦
Dear Nat, am sorry that you are hurting 😦 It is such a horrible place to be. The feeling of betrayal, and also that someone that you love, could treat you in that way. I don’t know if he will contact you again, they often do just show back up. I hope not, as I do know that they won’t change.
I am so glad that I found this blog because at least I know that I am not alone. I have broken up with him so many times in two years. Every time he uses empty promises and love bombing to make me go back to him. All my friends told me not to see him again when I first found out that he was lying, but I didn’t listen. I distanced myself from my friends because I didn’t want to listen to the truth. I believed that one day he may change. But I was wrong, a sociopath will never change, at least not for me. All I have left now is a broken heart. I broke up with him today again, and I hope this will be the final break-up. I feel so depressed and mentally drained, and I don’t know who I can talk to.
Hi Kimia, and welcome to the site.
I understand, it can be tough to talk to someone else. How do we say, yes you were right, and i was wrong? How do we know that we will be strong enough to leave this time. How much we wish that this person that we love, was normal, and not abusive. how we wish that the good that we saw, was real, and not part of the game. How very broken and an empty shell we feel when we try to leave, but are left with our brains washed, and our perception of the world, looking at the world through THEIR world view lense, and not yours.
It can feel like what have you won at all? Let me tell you something, the longer you stay, the longer you delay your healing.
Maybe at first dont speak to people about it, until you are sure. Well, I didn’t I think, because they told me, warned me, I didn’t listen. And others he had smeared me to, and because I had been so abused that I could barely speak anyway.
You can do this. One day at a time. Just one day and focus on today and focus on gratitude. That helps with undoing the mind control and the brainwashing.
How long were you together and do you have children? I am sorry that you are hurting.