Don’t let the sociopath fill the vacancy advertised in your life
You might think that once you have met one sociopath who has destroyed your world, that this was unfortunate. You might reason, that you never met anybody like this previously, so why would you meet someone like him again?
You learn all that you can about Sociopaths, narcissists, and personality disorders in general. You take a mental note and tell yourself that you will be observant and wary the next time. This will never happen to you again.
If you reach out to be with somebody else, before you have healed, you will be prime target to meet another one.
Sociopaths are different, some will target someone who is a challenge, others prefer easy prey. Someone who has had their heart broken, that is not really healed, who has previously been isolated and abused. Think about it:
- You are lonely
- You have had your self esteem damaged by emotional abuse
- You find it difficult to trust
- You want the pain of the past to go away
- You want to move on
- You want to settle down and just have a ‘normal’ relationship.
- You want to fix the ‘damaged’ parts of you and your life
- Easiest of all, is that your life is already broken and damaged, you have already been isolated from people. Half of his job is already done
Along comes Mr sociopath. Who LOOKS normal, who ACTS normal. Who will show you morality and everything that you are looking for. It can feel quite a relief, that your bad luck from the past is now over, and that you have now met someone who is normal
Remember that in the beginning, the sociopath didn’t look like someone who had any kind of mental health problem. In fact this is one of the most confusing things, and it is why you were left so confused. Why you stayed with it so long. You remember the
normality in the beginning. You look back to the early days and think ‘how could this have happened?’ and ‘when did things go so wrong?’.
The point is that there never was a point when things were good. The part where they seemed good, was when the sociopath was mirroring you to be the perfect man, to be everything that you wanted him to be. You were being ‘groomed’.
You are now probably thinking, ‘but I have learned so much about the behaviour of sociopaths, this couldn’t happen to me again?’.
The truth is that it actually could, and additionally, that you are more at risk of meeting a second if you have already met one, and you are not fully healed. The reason for this, is because you have been damaged, your life has been damaged. This makes the socicioaths job easier.
Say for example your ex sociopath was cheating or unfaithful, it is quite normal and natural in the beginning of a relationship, to say what you ‘don’t want’ in terms of a relationship, and what you will ‘not put up with’ in the future. By talking about your ex, and what you went through, you are giving a future sociopath vital information to groom you with.
He will listen with feigned empathy to what you have been through before and will tell you things like:
- That is awful,I have always been faithful to all of my exes.
- I was with someone for 20 years, we would still be together, if she hadn’t cheated on me.
- I was devastated when my ex cheated on me
- I have never cheated
- Morally this is wrong
Can you see? What he is now doing, is mirroring you. He is repeating back to you
- What you want to hear
- What you believe to be right
- What your morals are
- This is someone who is like me
- This is someone who shares the same values and morals as me
- This is someone who would do the same as I would
- This is someone who genuinely likes me
- This is someone who understands what I have been through
- He is so unlike my ex
So, therefore it is important not to go into another relationship too soon, once you have been in one abusive relationship. It is important to take time out, to heal yourself and to work on recovery (see https://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/15/how-to-recover-from-dating-a-sociopath/)
You need to take as long as you can. When you do feel ready for another relationship, make sure that you do the following:
- Don’t talk too soon about what has happened in the past, until you have verified that he is who he says he is
- Make sure that your own life is together and you do not need to be in a relationship
- DONT BRAG!!! – Don’t brag about what you have etc, this can make you an advertisement to a sociopath
- Actions speak louder than words, make sure you verify that what he is saying, is true
- Meet people from his background, and be very suspicious and aware if there are none. This is especially true, if he has moved from another city.
- If the relationship is moving forward too fast, stop, check, how real is this?
- Move at your own pace
- Do not present yourself as a victim, either by reference to the past, or talking about how you feel today. A sociopath will spot this a mile off. If you feel like a victim still, if you are still hurting – DO NOT DATE – Spend time on yourself.
Nothing can stop this happening again, but it can happen. And it is more likely to happen, if you date again before you are ready. Before you are healed from the past. You might be keen to meet someone else to ‘get over’ your ex and to ‘heal’ and ‘move on’ from the past. But this is a mistake.
Nobody else can make you happy. The secret of true happiness comes from within you. Only you can make you happy.
So – when is the right time to date again?
- When you feel happy in yourself
- When you have repaired all of the damage done to your life by the sociopath ex
- When you do not need to be in a relationship to take away past pain
- When you are so happy with your life, that you do not want or need to be with anyone.
If you have no needs to be fulfilled by someone else. The sociopath will not be able to step in and offer you what you need. He will not be able to fulfil the ‘vacancy’ gap that you are advertising.
Learn to love yourself!!
Words © datingasociopath.com
9 thoughts on “Reduce the risk of meeting another sociopath!”
Cultivate healthy friendships (platonic) with other men, and build that trust. It has been almost a year since I ended the relationship with a sociopath. I have been very cautious, and have refrained from dating. I have a very close male friend who has been very supportive (no he is not a sociopath).
he even said to me that we had to give it some time, so we didnt rush,and to see what we where like and all that time he just used me,.3 years on and off… maybe he has been reading pages like this to see how he could fool me… who knows …
I won’t let them win, evil people, I will take the advice but I want to date and have a relationship with a woman, I will pay attention but I’m not burying my head in the sand.
Good attitude, Thomas! I feel the same: do not let them win! There are good people out there, not just evil. The advice on this site is great, but it should not prevent anyone who’s been hurt to still seek new relationships, esp. since there are no set rules for proper dating anymore. I wish you luck in finding someone special!
The test is to say no to things, it’s not about being disagreeable. Sociopaths have no tolerance for no and you’ll see a passive aggressive pattern emerge.
The lesson I have learned from my sociopath ex GF is the need to protect myself. Sociopaths have behavioral red flags – but like many others I just didn’t know these people even existed until it was too late.
It is a brutal life lesson to become involved with on, it will cost you one way or another.
Now, I hope I won’t get caught again, after all this reading, leading to sites like this to grasp what happened to me. But to be sure, I need to work on the sort of boundaries that halt and ward off these callous people.
Sociopaths are lazy and look for most vulnerable targets, they are always scanning for those more susceptible to seduction and control manipulation.
This has forced me to grasp concept of boundaries – I lack them – it means understanding that there is a point where I finish before any other person starts. I can love a partner/ like a friend, but they are a separate entity, never an extension of me, never someone to complete me, we are two people who are communicating and sharing effectively and respectfully.
I haven’t figured it all out yet, it is very big learning curve.
I have a question. Can I sociopath love his mother. I was involved with one and he seemed to genuinely care about his mom. When she died he flipped.
The sociopath I dated also seemed to genuinely care about his mother, too.
Question: How long in knowing a sociopath does it take for the red flags to appear typically? So sociopaths appear normal at first. Is three months the general rule of thumb? Also, thank you for this site. It has been very helpful in the process of getting my life back.