Is the sociopath being ‘nice’, are you confused?
So, you have read lots of things on the net, and possibly books about sociopaths. You are still in a relationship with one, and you are just ‘not quite sure if your partner is or not?’, how can you tell?
As soon as you make up your mind that you are dating a psychopathic loon, he changes, and has kind eyes, and a smile. Is kind, caring, thoughtful. So, you question yourself and you wonder if perhaps you have got it wrong?
Just as you were about to pack your bags (or his), he is back to his old charming self. In fact, more so. He is back into seducing mode. The rage has gone, he is trying to win you back, so that you are dependent on him.
Other people wonder, why do you stay? (this causes isolation from friends), after all you were complaining about his behaviour last week.
Perhaps you start reading this, and as you do, and start to assert yourself, he suddenly changes into Mr Perfect again. What you are left with, is confusion.
You feel confused, because you feel you are with two people. One whom you love, one who makes you happy, and another who is selfish, self absorbed, self centred, who will make your life, simply an extension of his.
When going through the hearts and flowers stage, after an awful spell, when you were set to leave, it is likely that you are going back to stage 2 –
Seducing…..
Remember the code of the sociopath, it is ALWAYS the same (they repeat behaviour over and over).
- Assessment
- Seducing
- Gaming
- Ruining
The sociopath has already assessed that you are not happy, and that you are likely to leave. Which would mean that he is about to lose his source of supply. So, he resorts back to seducing mode…. to keep you captive.
What can you do to discover the truth?
If you are in confusion, and you identify with so many posts on this page, but are confused, is this person actually a sociopath, as right now they are being, nice, kind, helpful, thoughtful….. one thing will test whether this person is a sociopath.
Underneath the calm facade of the sociopath mask, is an angry narcissistic person, a person who is desperate for control. A person who sees you as part of himself. He can quite easily switch back to seducing mode, to lure you back in, if he feels that his prey is about to escape. After all, a sociopath never wants to lose source for supply, not before he has another willing victim lined up.
What you need to do is the following.
TEST HIM!
If he is acting really reasonable, kind, calm, loving, seducing, hearts and flowers – test him. Say something to him which takes away his control over you. Assert your rights, demand your freedom and your independence.
This can be ANYTHING which is for YOU, that DOESN’T include him.
The sociopath has narcissistic rages, which it cannot stop, or contain, when he feels that he is losing control. Remember that to the sociopath two things are more important than anything –
1. Winning
2. Control
IMPORTANT – This is NOT advisable for those involved with sociopaths who are violent!! If you are in a violent relationship – seek advice from a women’s aid project in your area, to leave safely. Never place yourself in danger. The ONLY advice for those in relationships with someone who is physically abusive, is to get out, but to leave in a way that is safe, and planned.
Witnessing the mask slipping
If the sociopath feels that he does not have total control over you, you will witness very quickly, the narcissist rage occur. You will see that the kind, helpful, caring, thoughtful person (that you had been telling him he wasn’t) will vanish, and in his place, will be a man who is angry, who becomes desperate for control. He will do and say anything to re-establish control over you and your life. His reaction will be very intense. This is the REAL character. This is real person, without the mask.
It really is quite that simple. If you are thinking, perhaps you have it wrong? Maybe, I was wrong? Yes, he has done bad things in the past, but he is just so nice and charming NOW – if you are thinking, maybe it was just a blip. Test him.
Confusion is simply a state of mind. Often the sociopath will do acts which deliberately confuse you. This can make you feel that that you are to blame. Nobody stays in confusion forever. So, take back the control, and test him.
In a NORMAL HEALTHY relationship, your partner will be happy for you to have a life of your own. In a normal healthy relationship, your partner will encourage you to grow. In a healthy relationship your partner will encourage career progression and be happy for you to see friends and family and anything else which helps you to grow. A healthy partner will not feel threatened by external influences in your life.
- A healthy relationship loves, but does not stifle
- It cares, but does not contain
- It offers freedom, but not restriction
- Is honest, and not deceptive
- Is supportive and not disruptive
If the person reacts, in a normal way, perhaps a bit of jealousy, perhaps this person isn’t a sociopath. But if you witness a full narcissistic rage, you will see exactly the person that you had witnessed before. You will be surprised to witness again the one which caused you confusion. Remember that this is the real person. This is the person inside, behind the charismatic mask. The person on the outside, the charisma, the charm, the kindness, caring, is really just an illusion.
If you are with a sociopath, who is being on his best behaviour and trying to lure you back into the relationship. If you are experiencing confusion, not really knowing is he/isn’t he? do the simple test. Press his buttons and see how he reacts. If the person is a sociopath, quickly you will witness the narcissistic rage – and you will witness the sociopath behind the charismatic mask.
Dating a Sociopath 
Hi All
Im new to this and currently cant figure out if, indeed, my boyf is a true Spath. Whilst he holds a few of the attributes mentioned, he is, in fact, a successful business owner with big goals and dreams and never takes anything from me financially.
It all started approx 8 months into our relationship – he had been loving, attentive, caring, kind, generous etc told me he he’s never met anyone like me, told me he loved me every single day etc. Then I found messages on his phone to other girls. Some asked him about me (they had seen us together or heard about us) and he would say things like ‘She means nothing to me’ or ‘no we’re not really serious, I dont like her much anyway’ and he even asked one girl (who i later found out was an ex) to meet up with him again! meanwhile in reality he had MOVED in with me and appeared to be besotted and happy and I naturally thought he was the best thing since sliced bread.
After confronting him about the messages he tried to play them down at first then eventually apologised and I forgave. fast forward another 2 years and he regularly would text/email girls behind my back saying how unhappy he was etc but to my face he was making big plans with me, wanting to start a future, I think he was just looking for them to massage his ego. Then the pointless lies come, he has no time for me, he would shout and swear and be verbally abusive and if I got upset he would say it was my own fault for ‘provoking him’ to his outbursts etc. He became very cold towards me, stopped showing affection, never wanted to have sex, and when I tried to talk about out problems he would dismiss them and say I was making a big deal out of nothing. During any argument he would tell me how I do nothing for him, how I just like to fight and cause problems, how I think im so wonderful but im not, etc and I genuinely used to think I was going crazy. Where was the loving man I first met?
After 3 years of feeling like I was aconstantly walking on eggshells, I decided to leave for my own sanity. I was absolutely heartbroken but I knew I had done nothing wrong and , in fact, spent most of my time trying to fix all the things that he had caused. I cut off all contact, changed my number etc however for the last 4 months he has found other ways to contact me and says he wants me back and that he’ll change and he now realises how selfish he’d been.
So, I dont know if hes just been young and now hes matured a bit, or, if indeed he is a Spath and I should run for the hills. Any help much appreciated!
run
I know it may be to late to post, but I think you have a stalker
Yes run and don’t look back!!!
leave and don’t look back! Straight sociopath…
he sounds exactly like my ex….i echo that…. run…… i didn’t… I have just escaped for the third and final time…. it only gets worse plus the more you go back to them the more control they think they have over you…
Yes Faith..I let the sociopath back one time and he ripped my back screen door in a rage a month later because I questioned dating sites messages. He disappeared for the night and the next day he was arrested for fighting police, public intoxication and other charges. I filed a protective order and he calls from jail and violates the order and writes. No contact is my mainstay now because he crazy.
Because they don’t particularly care about rules 😦 even being in jail does not stop them.
Everythink you read is so much the same as your own personal experience.. It is so “text book” If only we were educated before we met them.
I have been through this…and he ran away from my life…how is that
It depends on the connection that you have Pat. If there was little connection to you, ie they were just using you, for say housing and money, they move on when they get that elsewhere, without looking back.
What you might find is that if he hasn’t destroyed you, then he could be keeping his options open in case he wants to come back for more at a later date. Make sure that there is no room for him to come back for more, block him at every entrance – don’t ever let him back.
Positivagirl is exactly right here (as usual). 💖
We have to be strong, love ourselves and see our own value and never let them back.