Is the sociopath being ‘nice’, are you confused?
So, you have read lots of things on the net, and possibly books about sociopaths. You are still in a relationship with one, and you are just ‘not quite sure if your partner is or not?’, how can you tell?
As soon as you make up your mind that you are dating a psychopathic loon, he changes, and has kind eyes, and a smile. Is kind, caring, thoughtful. So, you question yourself and you wonder if perhaps you have got it wrong?
Just as you were about to pack your bags (or his), he is back to his old charming self. In fact, more so. He is back into seducing mode. The rage has gone, he is trying to win you back, so that you are dependent on him.
Other people wonder, why do you stay? (this causes isolation from friends), after all you were complaining about his behaviour last week.
Perhaps you start reading this, and as you do, and start to assert yourself, he suddenly changes into Mr Perfect again. What you are left with, is confusion.
You feel confused, because you feel you are with two people. One whom you love, one who makes you happy, and another who is selfish, self absorbed, self centred, who will make your life, simply an extension of his.
When going through the hearts and flowers stage, after an awful spell, when you were set to leave, it is likely that you are going back to stage 2 –
Remember the code of the sociopath, it is ALWAYS the same (they repeat behaviour over and over).
The sociopath has already assessed that you are not happy, and that you are likely to leave. Which would mean that he is about to lose his source of supply. So, he resorts back to seducing mode…. to keep you captive.
What can you do to discover the truth?
If you are in confusion, and you identify with so many posts on this page, but are confused, is this person actually a sociopath, as right now they are being, nice, kind, helpful, thoughtful….. one thing will test whether this person is a sociopath.
Underneath the calm facade of the sociopath mask, is an angry narcissistic person, a person who is desperate for control. A person who sees you as part of himself. He can quite easily switch back to seducing mode, to lure you back in, if he feels that his prey is about to escape. After all, a sociopath never wants to lose source for supply, not before he has another willing victim lined up.
What you need to do is the following.
If he is acting really reasonable, kind, calm, loving, seducing, hearts and flowers – test him. Say something to him which takes away his control over you. Assert your rights, demand your freedom and your independence.
This can be ANYTHING which is for YOU, that DOESN’T include him.
The sociopath has narcissistic rages, which it cannot stop, or contain, when he feels that he is losing control. Remember that to the sociopath two things are more important than anything –
IMPORTANT – This is NOT advisable for those involved with sociopaths who are violent!! If you are in a violent relationship – seek advice from a women’s aid project in your area, to leave safely. Never place yourself in danger. The ONLY advice for those in relationships with someone who is physically abusive, is to get out, but to leave in a way that is safe, and planned.
Witnessing the mask slipping
If the sociopath feels that he does not have total control over you, you will witness very quickly, the narcissist rage occur. You will see that the kind, helpful, caring, thoughtful person (that you had been telling him he wasn’t) will vanish, and in his place, will be a man who is angry, who becomes desperate for control. He will do and say anything to re-establish control over you and your life. His reaction will be very intense. This is the REAL character. This is real person, without the mask.
It really is quite that simple. If you are thinking, perhaps you have it wrong? Maybe, I was wrong? Yes, he has done bad things in the past, but he is just so nice and charming NOW – if you are thinking, maybe it was just a blip. Test him.
Confusion is simply a state of mind. Often the sociopath will do acts which deliberately confuse you. This can make you feel that that you are to blame. Nobody stays in confusion forever. So, take back the control, and test him.
In a NORMAL HEALTHY relationship, your partner will be happy for you to have a life of your own. In a normal healthy relationship, your partner will encourage you to grow. In a healthy relationship your partner will encourage career progression and be happy for you to see friends and family and anything else which helps you to grow. A healthy partner will not feel threatened by external influences in your life.
- A healthy relationship loves, but does not stifle
- It cares, but does not contain
- It offers freedom, but not restriction
- Is honest, and not deceptive
- Is supportive and not disruptive
If the person reacts, in a normal way, perhaps a bit of jealousy, perhaps this person isn’t a sociopath. But if you witness a full narcissistic rage, you will see exactly the person that you had witnessed before. You will be surprised to witness again the one which caused you confusion. Remember that this is the real person. This is the person inside, behind the charismatic mask. The person on the outside, the charisma, the charm, the kindness, caring, is really just an illusion.
If you are with a sociopath, who is being on his best behaviour and trying to lure you back into the relationship. If you are experiencing confusion, not really knowing is he/isn’t he? do the simple test. Press his buttons and see how he reacts. If the person is a sociopath, quickly you will witness the narcissistic rage – and you will witness the sociopath behind the charismatic mask.
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
193 thoughts on “Sociopath Test”
I love reading all these comments, it’s a pity I didnt come across this site before I ended it so therefore I won’t be given the chance to test him. I don’t have a choice now because he’s blocked me and I’m not going go attempt to contact him! One of the last conversations went something like this (cutting it short) him to me ‘aren’t you talking to me? (Out of the blue we had said bye at least four times and had gone about 3 weeks without contact he had moved on in around three or so weeks after last sleeping with me) I replied ‘why wouldn’t I be talking to you? Apparently he had tried texting me ‘to see how you are’ but I had changed my number. After a few txt of him saying ‘remember when we did this, remember when we did that? I was waiting for you to come back from America, when you left you said to have a think about stuff and to let you know what I wanted, it was us but I never knew if u got back safe or not!’ (The night before he had hit someone for dancing with me, and I was sat in that flight in floods of tears because head called me a dirty little tramp just the night b4 for dancing with this guy, now here he was telling me he loved me not less than 12 hours later!) the day after I got back from America is when I found out about the new girl, no wonder I didn’t hear a thing off him those two weeks I was away, he was buttering up some other poor girl) I said ‘no you were not waiting for me I know u and u would have contacted me all day everyday if u had wanted to know how I was so much!’
When we first met online and was just in the talking stage, I went away on holiday the day after, for a week and it didn’t stop the messages coming in thick and fast then, what was so different now? Someone better, a new challenge that’s whst was different! I was getting boring, he had got me hooked yes I had finished it but it didn’t mean I wanted to I just knew he didn’t really want me! there was nothing left to fight or pretend for anymore. Anyway he then goes on to say ‘Im just gonna throw it out there, I still fancy the arse off you if there’s any chance of us I want to really make us work’ and he threw me his number. I said ‘i would love to but considering you moved on in less than two weeks I can’t forgive you or believe a word you say it will never work’ he then actually replied….’what have I done?’ He seriously asked me that question!!!!! ‘How do you know it won’t work? (Is this guy for real??) I said ‘I don’t trust you and never will again, so just go back to your girlfriend’ he said ‘it’s a sham, I haven’t spoken to her in three days!’ I said ‘finish it then, cause your doing to her what you did to me, using and abusing’ he said ‘I will finish it’ the next day I see him in the car with her! a week later I get another message ‘I’m single!’ If there’s any chance of us I feel ready for a new chapter in my life without any drama’ I said ‘with you there will always be drama and again I can’t forgive you I’ll never trust you, you wouldn’t forgive me and besides I’m now seeing someone’ his reply ‘ok fair enough’ then in a separate message not a second later ‘your seeing someone?’ Me ‘yeah I am’ ‘ok I’m gonna go now cause I can feel myself getting wound up, I’ll block and delete everything of you, enjoy your fella I hope he does it for you,now it’s all about me f girls what’s the point if you can’t have who you want? Cheers I thought u were different!’ I said ‘after everything you put me through and what you did to me, you can’t expect me to sit in my bedroom and be heartbroken forever, that’s not fair a part of me will always love you’ he then asked me ‘honestly do u still want me?’ I can’t help but be honest and my reply is one I’ll always regret….’yes I do but it’s done it’ll never work’ he then said ‘ok there you go then we wanna be together but can’t, enjoy your fella. And that was it I was blocked in everything. The following week I found a note on my car wishing me a happy birthday and that he can’t stop thinking of me. I drove passed him the next day (not sure if he saw me but he looked at me he was in his car but it was dark so not sure he actually saw me or not) if he did he went the opposite way and I havent seen or heard ANYTHING since.
I hope I got my test answered in all that long ass story though, he lied about wanting me again, when he knew he had lost control he turned a bit nasty and felt sorry for himself by saying ‘you have moved on and you’ll be happy and I’ll be forgotten’ fat chance of me ever forgetting him though, I wish I could!!!
What does everyone else think? Did I get my answer there? Or was it just a young lad being a young lad? My story gets even more ridiculous see, I’m 29 (28 when we met) he was 23 (24 when we were seeing each other) with two very young kids. One day I will find this laughable, I really should have known better!
he is absolutely sociopath. I had exactly same experience. I was so surprised when i read your story since i felt as if there are identically same guy i met.
I’m still hurt and difficult to get over from the experience. the best way is run away from him as faras you can.
you can’t change him whatever you do.
I could recommend books ‘victim of love’
if you really can’t avoid contacting him read ‘who is pushing your button’ to remind that you have to have control.
however I’m warning you never ever go back to him otherwise you can’t get out of from the deep desperate nightmare confusion.
No you were right to move on. And they don’t get any better with age. I’m having my own experiences with a 38/39 year old. And it’s all too familiar.
Okay so, my boyfriend of one and a half years and I just broke up a week ago because of a fight. Now before I go into the reasoning, here’s a little backstory: I’m 19 years old, he’s 20. We met in university and happened to travel on the same route. I was beyond ecstatic because I was a naive 18 year old who was thrilled that an older guy was interested in me. For about two months things were perfect. He was sweet, charming and always there for me. Then came the changes…he began telling me who I could hang out with and who I couldn’t. He hated my classmates for some weird reason and would never let me hang out with them. At first I was okay with it but as time passed I hardly had any friends and was an alien to my own class. Whenever I would argue back he’d yell at me saying that I always made things about me, that I was selfish and would never think about his feelings no matter how hard I tried. I became desperate and tried to show him that I did care but no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough. Every time I would make a mistake in public or disobey him, he would pinch my sides so hard until I apologized. He told me I was worthless and that girls like me were unlovable. I was told that I was a mistake. He often called me a slut even though my contact with boys was very rare and sometimes in extreme anger he would choke me. As a punishment he would bite me until my whole body was left in pain. He gave me hickeys forcefully and would throw a tantrum if I denied him. He had unprotected sex with me whenever he wanted and if I ever said “no” he’d complain about the fact that I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. He would yell at me if I answered the phone sounding happy and God forbid I accidentally missed the call, he’d yell even more asking me if I was deaf. Even when I was out with my family he’d call asking me to show proof of what I was doing. It became stifling and every time I pointed out the fact that what he said did hurt me, he’d tell me it was my fault that he was like that with me. Because I disobeyed him, I deserved it. We broke up once around July because I couldn’t take it any longer and in August we got back together because he promised that he was a changed man, that was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I’ve always had anxiety attacks and he was the cause of majority of them but he always told me I was overreacting. He told me he didn’t care if I cried or died so I slowly stopped showing feelings in front of him. Now I don’t feel like doing anything, I feel depressed and I’ve messed up my exams. I don’t know what to do…my situation at home sucks because my dad is an alcoholic and every time my ex and I would fight he’d tell me it was all my fault. I don’t even know if it was my fault. I never stopped him from doing anything and sacrificed my friends for him. He knew what I was doing all the time and the only reason we broke u was because he said i was untrustworthy and got my mom involved in the situation. It was based on an assumption. I felt like I was the crazy one and that my feelings were wrong although I’ve been told that he was the insane one. So yeah this is pretty much my story.
It’s actually quite insane how similar our situations are. They almost seem like the same person, I’ve heard ppl say that a lot about them and that’s the only way that I was really able to accept that he was in fact a narcissist or sociopath, because their behavior is almost the same. I was in extreme denial for such a long time. Things don’t ever change unless you take the initiative to do so, and that was super hard for me because he was really all that I had. I did the same things, I had given up all contact with my friends and my family because at the time I had thought that he was just hurt in the past and rlly insecure so I wanted to do what I could to make him feel safe and comfortable. For so long he had me literally convinced that it was me being the one who was in the wrong and like i was constantly fucking up so had completely destroyed our relationship for times that i had been lets just say, had not been very kind with my words. I held onto the guilt and regret until it had completely consumed me, I had become extremely depressed and obsessive over him wondering why I couldn’t have been different, kinder, more compassionate. it was out of my element to act that way because I am actually kind , opeminded and an empathetic person to a fault at times. Took me a while to realize that he had me fucking ENTIRELY brainwashed. When I had told him I suffered from anxiety in the beginning, he would tell me that I was faking it. He’d do things to upset me and it took me not until months after the relationship ended for me to realize how deliberate and thought out those tactics were, and disturbingly done with the intent of breaking me down because he knows that it would, and trust me, it did. I legit thought that I was going crazy. He had replaced any thoughts that were mine and had created them to be his own. Programmed me into his little robot or puppet. I have been through a lot of death and heartache in my past, so when he had left it was really hard on me because I was already broken and i just couldn’t handle any more heartache! i REFUSED to give up on him and our relationship because I had thought he was truly the love of my life and I just was not willing to let him go, and I went to any and every extent to make him want me. He didnt love me though, he loved his a over me and he loved that I was his property. Every time it was ME apologizing even for things I hadn’t done. But still made me admit it was and painted a whole picture of me being scum, dumb, a slutwhore you name it. He went from awful names to saying he loved me. Hed get angry and lose it tonthe point of throwing me into dressers and doors and then leave and shortly after he would try and succeed to have sex with me. Which is a very confusing thing for someone who is so damaged and trying to hold on to any good thing or “love” we had left. He would blow up my phone and get angry accusing me of doing something wrong if i had missed his call, god forbid i did i wouldn’t hear the end of it and had me always apologizing and so much anxiety to be perfect in his eyes. He went from blowing me up every minute of the day to ignoring me for weeks as a “punishment”. hes does the same also about having to take a picture to prove who i was with even if it was just my family. Nothing i could do was never enough either. He had me move in with him across the states away from family and friends and it was nothing short from a complete and absolute nightmare to say the least but i wont get into detail about that because its just too much to even say right now. He had broken up with me and said he didnt love me anymore, but since then he has “given me numerous chances” to be with him again but im nothing but a “fuck up” even though he know i love him to the point i would have done anything in this world to please him, when i had told him that if he doesnt love me anymore to just be straight up and honest with me, he will say that he does love me and he WILL NOT let me move on. He will love bomb me and then if i do soemthing to upset him he will ignore me for day, sometimes days turning into weeks. Then when he decides to come back and if he finds out that i was speaking to another guy he will punish me because in his eyes i am supposed to be obsessed with only him and i am supposed to be alone and lonely and faithful to him even though we arent dating and can fucking ghost me for weeks on end. He still thinks after doing that that i’m his property and is entitled to be the only soul i have in my life. It gets strange though, when he ignores me, he will reach out to me pretending to be someone else, and tries to dirty talk me and tries to get me to send him nudes,pretending to be someone else. at first i would just fuck with him because i know that it is him, he thinks i am entirely stupid. Now i can see through the bullshit. He will ignore me for WEEKS and not respond to my msges or calls but can message me RELENTLESSLY from random numbers trying to test me and my faithfulness and to be honest, it almost seems like he gets off on dirty talking me pretending to be someone else!! Its crazy how he can believe that i dont know that its him, and what angers me is that he know what he is doing , knows how hurt and worried I am that j haven’t heard from him cuz like i said went from NONSTOP calls and texts to NOTHING. seems like its just a game and he gets off on my misery. Definitely suffer from ocd and c-ptsd. Seeing a counselor and taking medication because I needed to take back control over my life and my mental and emotional health had become extremely bad. Seeing how he can put so much effort into playing to be someone else hit me hard about the way that he ACTUALLY feels about me, because if he loved me he wouldn’t treat me like a toy, a game. And he SURELY would not try to COMPLETELY manipulate me and show no remorse or responsibility for trying to trick and manipulate me, let alone admit his ways. Hes selfish, destructive and just flat out is not all there in the head, he doesnt believe what he is doing is wrong because i am his property, he doesnt care that he has crippled me with such bad depression that i felt so trapped i was unable to leave my room or go anywhere because it got that bad for me. For so long i waited for him to gjve me permission to move on because i felt if i did try to, i would be giving up on us and our love cus we just been through so much together and im not one to give up on someone i love. When i had started medication and therapy I realized that even though he couldn’t take responsibility for his actions and show me the love that i deserve , I HAD TO TAKE RESPONSIBILTY and make the decision that I would be the one who would empower myself and LOVE MYSELF and not settle for this treatment for even another second!!! No more guilt thinking he can change and could care when he isn’t capable of change or caring, but I am. It will always be the same shit show with him because in the end, the only person that he ever cared abiut was his fucking self . I dont blame myself anymore because any time I had been “out of line” it was simply me standing up and protecting myself. Dont be afraid to ask for help and please, give yourself the one gift of setting yourself free and giving yourself permission to love yourself you do deserve it and always have had and I’ sorry I let someone make me believe otherwise. Give the world you were willing to give him, to yourself. It wont be easy and it will take time but you deserve to be loved and to know your WORTH and you deserve to have someone who treats you the same. I’m so sorry that we had to endure what we had but once we take control we are the master of our own destiny and most importantly even when we feel all alone know that there are SO many people who are living the exact same thing and we are living proof that in time, things can get better and life goes on. Give yourself endless patience because its not going to be easy or completely great all the time, some days will be worse than others. But one thing is for certain ,YOU are in control of who you let surround you and what you give your attention to. You are worthy of having a beautiful life!!! you just have to get up, and fight like hell. Go to school, get a job, join a sport, make some art, drink some tea, do some yoga, take care of yourself!!!!do whatever you need to ensure you distract and love yourself in a way that they never could. Take the time to heal and get to know yourself again. Cuz remember you can grow and love, but they are forever cursed for the fact they are unable to grow OR love, they can try but they will never attain it. We got this!!!! Much love!!!💘🙊🙈🙉👼🙏💅💅💅
Ahhh spoke too soon when I said I hadn’t seen or heard for a couple weeks just saw his car! Yes his car….not him his car and I’m an absolute mess! He’s literally round the corner at his moms and I’m here sobbing while my 6 year old niece is eating her tea. What the hell have I become? This is not normal.
Aw diggs, its better out than in. Tears are healing. I know that this hurts right now. It must be so tough to be so close to where his mother lives.
I know that you are hurting, but try to stay strong this, if you can get through this day, you can get through another day too!! 🙂
I have never experienced anything like this in my life and I don’t know which way to turn. After a very very loving 9 year relationship with my ex fiancé my one and only real relationship I have never really had my heartbroken, let alone by someone like him. It’s hard, I found him so attractive, the best looking guy who’s EVER looked twice at me and I thought I had hit the jackpot. Until he steered me down a path I knew was wrong and dropping hints to colour my hair because I would look ‘hot’. AND guess what muggings here coloured her naturally blonde hair and is now in the process of getting it back to blonde from a dark dark brown. Don’t get me wrong it looked nice nit why did I do that for HIM and not for me? My hair was my pride and joy and its now so badly damaged from stripping and colouring I had to have a fair bit cut off. I was desperate after it ended to try and get me back. I have always been blonde or medium blonde and I did whatever made him happy :0( I know I’m going off on all types of subjects but today I’m having a very messed up day. If you do get a chance positive I would love to see what you think of my comment on ‘the test page’ I mention him playing the victim and feeling sorry for himself then being angry to asking me if I still want him etc the last time we spoke. Thank you so much in advance
My ex-sociopath’s nick-name from me was Dr. Jekel / Mr. Hide. He was and is exactly the person described above…to the T!!!!! It took me 5 years, a black eye and an order of protection to realize how INSANE HE was and how I helped him continue in his insanity. But I am free & sane!!!! I am victorious
You go girl!!
I called my ex Dr jeckell and used to mentally cry that Mr Hyde had returned.
Sorry that just really made me sob so I figured comment….
Thank god for this website!
My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago. I’ve only found this website today and I feel such a whilwind of emotions but mostly I’m glad to know I’m not insane and there’s a way to regain my life.
I guess I figured out on some level that a person who seems to have 2 personalities can only have one true one and wanted to see which one it was. This was my version of the “test”, if I may call it that, as I only read this article 3 minutes ago.
That day I told my now ex she’d hurt my feelings by saying a certain thing and all I wanted is acknowledgement, like any normal person would do, even if they don’t mean to hurt you and it’s a misunderstanding, some sort of clarification like “I’m sorry this came out wrong, I didn’t mean to hurt you, it was just a joke”. This was all I wanted to hear, but instead I got a bunch of accusations of not being able to see the humour and that I needed to grow up. I informed her she’d hurt my feelings, whether intentionally or not, it’s not about her now. She read the message but didn’t reply until the following morning and the reply was “sorry I was too busy at work and couldn’t reply” then proceeded like nothing happened about something totally unrelated. I was still quite upset but didn’t want to bring back the argument. At the same time I didn’t feel like letting go as I was still hurt so I guess I was a bit cold the next couple of days trying to figure things out.
In the meantime she was being super cheerful and light and fun and the complete opposite of her usual self. I kept thinking that maybe we were just not meant to be and I couldn’t give her what she wanted so I still wanted to have some sort of a serious talk to clear the air and maybe have a better understanding of each other’s needs.
So that one evening I asked if she could tell me what made a good partner in a relationship. I wasn’t surprised when her answer was all about her expectations of what I should be and not what she can give me or what we can mutually do for each other, I’m saying I wasn’t surprised because I knew she was quite a selfish person but I kept making excuses for her in my head telling myself it was all due to her difiicult childhood and an abusive mother (haha, classic!). So I did point out that I sort of expected to hear a more overall answer not just one sided about what I must be and she said I had barely talked to her for a couple of days and now was asking weird questions and that it wasn’t nice of me so she was going to bed, so I replied that I felt we needed to know each other better if we were still having such misunderstandings and one can make a comment that feels like a slap on the face to the other. She acted like she genuinely did not know what I was talking about and asked “Did I make such a comment?” and that was something that had only happened 2-3 days prior. I was in shock I didn’t know whether she was playing a game or actually my feelings mean so little she would forget our fight so quickly and easily. I replied with a dry “Yes.” and we didn’t speak more that evening.
We were both working and weren’t living together so would spend all our time texting and chatting on the phone when not physically together. This may not seem like a serious relationship to some but I had developed serious feeling for her over a few months and even let location prevail over other perks when choosing between 2 job offers, I picked the one closer to where she lived. So the next day was a Tuesday and we were going to chat in the evening as we both had work in the morning. We didn’t normally see each other unless one of us was off (99% of the time it was me spending my days off at hers and that led to me not having seen any of my friends for months but that’s a whole other story) so that evening I happened to be too busy until it got late and she went to bed. I explained it and she seemed to understand, no negative feelings expressed and the following morning she asked how the situation resolved and even complimented me so it didn’t seem like an issue.
We assumed we would speak that night, it must’ve been around 5 p.m. when she asked if I wanted to talk and I said that sure and that I’d be available at 9-ish. To which she immediately replied something like “Ah, never mind then”. I did want to talk as I missed her voice and was confused as I knew she wasn’t working that evening but thought maybe she had other plans and I asked why and did she want to talk or not because I did but not now (I was at work) and that is when the rage came out. And when I say rage I mean RAGE. She told me I didn’t seem interested, I’d chosen “chores” over talking to her the night before (weren’t chores but somewhat of an emergency and she seemed understanding the night before), that I clearly didn’t care about her. The rest of the evening I spent foolishly trying to work things out, apologising and telling her I cared, the next morning started with me saying all she did was make me cry because the more upset I seemed to get the night before the more she seemed to enjoy herself. I told her I wished she knew how to give and accept unconditional love (not proud of that one, shouldn’t have said it) The word “love” acted like a drop of blood to a shark. We’d never said to each other “I love you” so what she heard revealed to her that she had control and could play with me a bit more. For a minute she acted all soft and said she wanted to get past this. I thought it meant she was open for discussion and I asked her what “feeling important” that she always talked about meant to her because I frankly felt I was doing quite a lot already. She told me to stop acting stupid and that it didn’t suit me. Asked in a sarcastically concerned manner if she was my first girlfriend because I didn’t seem to know anything about women etc. it went on and on. It reminded me of being beaten to death, not that it’s ever happened to me, thankfully, but I felt like I was in tears confessing my feelings to someone and already down on the ground completely destroyed I’d look up at the face of my tormentor only to see their victorious smile before they deliver the last blow. Sorry for being so dramatic but I felt physical pain and did not see her willing to compromise and say let’s not hurt each other, let’s treat each other with respect. She would say things like “How many times do I have to apologise?” and I’m not very proud of reacting to that but I did reply “Once would have been enough” because I was emotional and I knew she hadn’t apologised EVER (I even read back through our messages thinking maybe I missed one in the heat of the argument and ran a word search, sorry for being so meticulous but emotions make us do crazy things) to which I believe she replied “Ok, you win” and I proceeded explaining that there are no winners or losers in a relationship… I felt like I was talking to a toddler having a tantrum, or like talking to a wall or a tree, remember one of the things I said was “I just want you to admit that my feelings are as important as your ones” and telling her that she treated me the way she would’ve never let anyone treat her, I wasn’t even allowed to talk about how I felt. Every time I’d speak of my hurt feelings it was considered “critisism” and if she was so bad why don’t I go find someone else. I said that too was hurtful to hear because for me personally to say that to someone would’ve meant I didn’t care about the person any more. It went on for ages.
We did not come to an understanding. She said I had my priorities in the wrong order because I had to go to a class that evening instead of coming to hers to “show her she was important”. I reminded her that it was about two people trying to work things out not about me showing anything and 4 hours of fighting was exhausting enough. Having said that I must admit I was questioning my decision and knew that if she’d said “please come over let’s talk I want to see you I miss you” I would’ve done anything for her. But she said “I’m going to call you now, make yourself available to talk” and I said I was on my way to class as I had already missed half of it because we just talked on the phone an hour before that and got cut off, the I had to get ready and was running 45 minutes late. She then said “Well you could’ve missed the whole thing”. I sat on the train on my way to class crying my eyes out but she made no attempt to make me feel wanted, I was scared by that stage as she shouted at me on the phone in a voice that didn’t sound like her. I was crushed and I could feel it would’ve been the last step in destroying me, having me drop all my plans and come over to her doorstep like a guilty dog even though she’d never apologised for all the bad things she’d said or done. Once again she made it look like it was my own fault, the last thing she said was that I’d always failed to demonstrate to her that she was important to me, which was so painful to hear after all the things I’d done for her, things I sacrificed and all the insults I let slide.
Sorry about the essay and thank you to those who read to the end. I needed to vent and I’m feeling better now.
Hi Unevie, I wanted to say welcome to the site!! I didn’t want to ignore you, its late here in the UK, but I will try to come back to your comment tomorrow!!
Thank you, positivagirl.
I didn’t think I would remember it in such great detail after a few months and I have moved one since the break up and started seeing people, but I keep wondering what I did wrong as in what made her think she could treat me the way she did and trust me it was bad and I never would’ve let anyone talk to me like that not even people I’ve been in relationships with so I keep wondering what is wrong with me. Of course it didn’t happen overnight and at first she was more careful, didn’t seem like a monster, just unattractively arrogant at times and maybe possessing a vivid imagination as her stories of how everyone dreamed of jumping into bed with her didn’t seem real (I am not a jealous person, for me it was just a laugh). I have a long way to go in self healing and your website will help me so thank you once again.
“sorry I was too busy at work and couldn’t reply” then proceeded like nothing happened about something totally unrelated….
THE above comment taken from your text went through me like a ton of bricks. Heard it a thousand times.. never a word, an apologize, always plays the victim. Never a kind word, it’s always about THEIR needs and wants. In 5 yrs together, this man has gotten thousands of back/full body massages from me. How many have I gotten? maybe 2.
One night I gave him a full body massage and when I asked him to at least caress me, he said “I couldn’t possibly find the energy.” Sick, right?
Thank you for sharing. You are brave and strong.
I am breaking my ties with him today. It makes me sick to think I have gotten back with him about 20 times. He just kept feeding me those breadcrumbs… and I followed the trail. But not anymore!
I wish you the best my friend. Stay strong and know your worth.
Yes, just act like it hadn’t happened. Move onto the next topic. They enjoy doing this, this is mind control at it’s finest. Yes, exactly it IS always about their needs and wants. It never changes and it won’t get better. To expect change, is to expect him to be a different man. This isn’t going to happen. I also went back LOTS of times. Over and over. I know that the pattern will only repeat, over and over. It is difficult at first to move away, due to the brainwashing and that they can continue to play the game with you. Be aware that the threats might start if they don’t want you to leave. Which can be hell to go through, trying to discredit you, and pull down your name. But be strong. You can do this. You can move forward.
I’ve brought this up a while ago, but I’ll say it again here: It’s very upsetting as a man having been abused in a relationship with a female Narcissist to continuously read He when referring to the one with a marked pathological spectrum. This reinforces a stereotype that is terribly damaging.
I sympathize with ALL victims of sociopaths, narcissists, histrionic PD… Yet your litmus tests above are substantially based in gender bias. Let me explain:
* A healthy relationship loves, but does not stifle – but what happens when the alleged ‘stifling’ is a defense mechanism of the victim of an N who claims to be exclusive but can’t lead herself to missing out on all past, present and future ‘opportunities’ she encounters?
* It cares, but does not contain – again, when the caring is only one-sided, that’s how you recognize the Personality Disorder. Containing a N is impossible! That’s a good test right there!
* It offers freedom, but not restriction – again. Freedom to do what? …to enhance her career, to care for and parent her children, to have ‘clean’ fun, to visit her family, to see friends that don’t have any interest in getting her in the sack or over the kitchen counter? SURE! But to deceptively hold on to and visit with prior intimate male relationships, and constantly entice new ones? MAYBE NOT. You can recognize the N when everything she does is about empowering her IMAGE to everyone that can be of use to her, regardless of how that may affect her prior commitments. And you can test it by asking her to stop cheating on you. Either she will lie about it, or [try to] ignore you, or turn into a Fire Breathing Dragon, but NEVER will she be reassuring (because that runs against her grain).
* Is honest, and not deceptive – watch carefully her actions, in opposition to her words. Boldfaced lies, evasion, humorous responses to core questions, manipulation are the weapons used by Ns.
* Is supportive and not disruptive – that would make sense if it means supporting healthy activities. If her usual is to go to bars without you, maybe you should be disruptive. Then again, better to run from the relationship altogether.
See, positvagirl, I would have a whole different list of litmus tests if consideration was given as to include female narcissists!
Hi there are quite a few posts here from perspective of a female sociopath. To be honest it is easier to write in gender terms. It can equally apply to both. Earlier posts were he. Some were amended to read he/she or they. But, i think it reads easier when it is one gender. I won’t be going back to change them all. I am sure that somene could change the gender in their head when reading? I would hope so. There are quite a few posts that are gender in terms of female sociopath specific, and also comments from guys. Most later posts are gender neutral – sometimes it does come in though simply it is easier to write he than they…
If you read the title of the blog. It is called dating a SOCIOPATH. Not dating a narcissist. They are very different. So iI wouldn’t write about female narcissists, i don’t write about male narcissists either?
I have a universal test to recognize when you are in a relationship that may be with a person with PD (personality disorder): After the initial courtship period when everything seemed so incredibly great no matter what you did together or apart, if it declines *rapidly* into bringing out the worst in you: fears of what s/he could be doing, waiting for his/her every phone call or text to reassure you, discovery of lies and his/her subsequent response is wholly unsatisfactory, or… take note of this… you start to feel paralyzed, to feel powerless to rectify the new course your relationship has taken so quickly, far removed from all the passion and wonderful feelings of the beginning… you know there’s a major problem and it may very well be that you are with a PD. Your sudden emotional decline may very well be your self-protection sensors trying to tell you something!
If I am honest, i think that most people have ‘issues’. Of some kind or another. I don’t know too many people who don’t have issues. Those who say that they have none, usually have the most. As they might be totally out of charge with their issues. Realistically if we were perfect, would we be here on this earth plane? I don’t think so (of course this is from a spiritual not a scientific perspective). Again, bringing out the worst in you, what does this teach you? It can teach you a lot about yourself. There are many people who go through life, and expect someone else to be ‘the one’ and fulfill all of their needs. I think that this is partially due to upbringing and unrealistic expectations.
I also think that it is quite normal for a relationship to be full on passion in the beginning and then to wain. This happens too. In normal healthy relationships. Defence mechanisms, is an important one. I was a fan of psychoanalytic theory, I can see the relation that childhood has to play. It is true, that for many victims of sociopaths, their partners came from dysfunctional family backgrounds, this has a big impact, on who the person is, and who they become.
positivagirl – I said: “*rapid* decline”, which is very different – the opposite really – of “waning”, suggesting instead a gradual change.
I explained what was meant by “Bringing out the worst in you” and it had nothing to do with someone else “fulfilling all of their needs”, but hardship reactions to lies, cheating, deceit… can’t that make you not at your best… bring out the worst? Maybe YOU are perfect and you are immovable, stoic and always on even keel regardless of what you are being subjected to. But most people don’t have a great time given those kind of offenses. I think the Devastating Sorrow written all over these pages from so many victims definitely suggests they have been hurting. Some people recoil, others get angry.But either way, us victims are not displaying our best when so harmed.
Well, I think that is because on the whole, most of the people who come here, ARE in pain and are looking for answers and also closure. That is why. I think that we all go through that, we cannot go through pain without it changing us. Sometimes I wonder if this is the purpose of pain? To change us?
I am unsure what your point is?
My points are this:
(1) Classification of PD (personality disorder) is a technicality of interest mainly to psychiatrists, who have established various PDs share same or similar characteristics, and employ a Spectrum Chart to arrive at the closest analysis of the PD. In layman’s terms, S (Sociopath) and N (Narcissist) share in common: Lack of Empathy, Deceit, Self-Gratification, etc…
(2) It is crucial to understand that everyone possesses attributes of PD – i.e. who hasn’t told a fib, or wanted that best piece of the pie, or ignored someone in distress? – the difference between ‘normal’ people and PD people is the intensity of that characteristic.
(3) Because relationships and people are so varied, you cannot possibly make a short list of characteristics of a “NORMAL HEALTHY” relationship, especially when your focus is gender-biased from the start. A universal barometer will be hard to establish.
(4) PDs can be incredibly savvy, clever, creative and original in the way they ‘graft’ themselves onto victims. This leads me to the conclusion it’s best to have a means to identify this damaging relationship ASAP. The means/tool/instrument I am suggesting as a universal gauge: Measure the DIFFERENTIAL (in satisfaction in relationship) and SPEED (how long has it taken to go from A+ to C-) of the decline.
In my case, I had a 31 month relationship with a woman at times I thought (towards the end of relationship) was Sociopathic, other times Narcissist, or Borderline, or even at times a lesser PD of Histrionic. The thing is, when I look back, I see how our relationship was created: I was a very susceptible target at the time and she played up so well our instantaneous Greatest Love. 7 weeks into it, she was back with her ex for 4 days before she decided to choose me again. That was the start of a rapid decline, whereas trust had been broken but never repaired. In our case, she was utterly unable to apologize or to take responsibility, and of course would repeat same transgressions after that. My point is her way of deceiving (to nourish her Narcissistic Needs) was customized to her personality and mine. Yet if I had been told about the idea of SPEED of decline in conjunction with the DIFFERENTIAL of feelings, I could have closed out the relationship 7 weeks into it rather than the torturous 29 months that followed, questioning myself, trying to be what she demanded, etc…
Beautifully well said
Is your comment in reply to me victim of love?
I am a sociopath, and I must say this test would never work on me. We’re not “desperate” for control, we just do control things. This test has been done to me before, though likely not because they read this site. It’s a common thing to pop up from time to time. That’s the key, an occasional juggling of the reins is okay with me, because I’m winning the war. That’s my outlook. I’ve become a much more successful sociopath over the years. In my teens, I’d just be dumbfounded that people would be hurt by things I say and do. Each time that happened, I improved my ability to blend in a little more. Actually, easy success as a sociopath is kind of preventative of achieving greater heights overall. The more successful I am at manipulation, the less I care to work on it. Websites like yours are good for me to read to stay sharp. I haven’t had any revelations from reading the “spot a psychopath” articles but it keeps me thinking about what others are looking for, or what clues may tip them off as to who I really am. I can devote time to that because I really enjoy it. Obviously, with the narcissistic element of our condition, we take a keen interest and fascination with reading about ourselves. Most importantly though, it’s the game that holds my interest. All of these sites are about the game and how to win it. That really is my life, a series of games. It’s not a bad life; we really don’t need sympathy for not being able to “love” as you do. The lack of love doesn’t give us any bad feelings at all. Also, we’re calculating and fearless. Our “greatest fear” is not being found out (hence the anecdotes of bragging post-reveal), we don’t have fears at all. It is a high stakes game, though. Often our livelihood and quality of life depend on winning. You’ve no idea the deviousness we’re really capable of.
I would say that you have fear of losing control (control doesn’t bother normal people so they don’t need or want it in their life no big deal) I would say that as only time you saw mask slip and narc rage is when you suspected about to lose control and you do anything to keep control and keep winning. And not so much a fear, but it can make your game more difficult. Fear of exposure. Again this keeps with the need for control. You think your winning? Lol your not though as you get to live a superficial life. You have no ‘real’ relationships it’s Just empty and hollow. You don’t know how to just ‘be’. I think we have the much better deal. I wouldn’t like to be a liar to impress people. It’s quite sad.
At least in the context of relationships, the mask has never slipped so far. I don’t fear losing control, I am in control. I equate my control over my relationships as to how one controls a vehicle. I probably “fear” losing control in a relationship as much as you fear a steering wheel jerking out of your hands and send you plummeting off a cliff. Not likely to happen. If someone who is not a sociopath were to live like a sociopath, then yes, it may be unsatisfying and superficial. Your greater emotional depth allows you to call my life superficial, but my personal depth is all I will ever know, so the shallowness of it all will never weigh on me. My psyche is “fooled” into being satisfied with a life you call shallow. However, as is often lamented, we can certainly do the same to you. Fool you into being very happy with something that is quite superficial. You don’t have to feel sad for us; we don’t feel sad for you. We know how to use you. You could do the same to us. We are a particular breed, just use what you know about us to determine what we’re good for. For instance, if you have an acquaintance who is a sociopath, use them to determine if emotion is clouding your judgement about some important decision you have to make. Seeing through emotions is something we love to do, and would give you the honest truth just for the asking. If you know a sociopath, you should keep one around to root out others. We’re not especially loyal to each other. There is no psychopath code we follow. I’d dive right in to a request to analyze a relationship to determine whether someone is a sociopath. I’d love it, that is a great game. We don’t feel bad for being used like that; it’s what we thrive on. One caveat: You probably should not use a sociopath you were previously romantically involved for anything.
Your seeing this too simplistic. I did to him what he did to me. Maybe worse as he might never see his child again. He only had the power to affect superficial relationships in my life and even that was temporary. Sociopaths fuck themselves up. Which to me seems pretty stupid. And yes we can use you too.
No, what I’m saying is we understand you much better than you understand us. For instance, I doubt he cares if he sees his child again. If you understood us, you’d see we don’t fuck ourselves up. We quite simply don’t care about the things we don’t care about. I don’t know your story with him. I hit articles on here from google, but I like the way you present them. I’ll have to search for an origin post of yours. You only understand us as we relate to you. That’s why you think it’s sad that we have to lie. That’s why you think superficial is unsatisfying, because it would be to you. Not us.
See my last comment. He didn’t want to not be with me. But his previous actions made it too difficult. One day you might do a number on someone who really does mean something to you. In terms of real value for you.
Your story is intriguing, and I like you. I think I’m going to have to get a little more background on you and him via your early blog posts. I will say, that if he is a sociopath, think objectively, and you’ll know the “real value” he held for you. If he really wants you like other people want people, then perhaps psychopathy is a misdiagnosis. I bet your readers gave you shit for giving him that second chance. I have done numbers, but I don’t think I could ever connect deeply enough with another person for it to cause me regret. We’re really not like you. We’re animals. I don’t feel sad for mama antelopes that have to watch their slower, weaker babies get culled by lionesses. That’s the only way lions can survive. On another note, happy St. Patrick’s Day! It’s a great holiday for us addiction-prone party animals.
Yes it closed my site. I wanted to know…. What if? What if he knew and I knew? What if we had enough common interests could he manage his impulses? I needed to know to see from a different viewpoint. I am glad that I did as I learned a lot. One of the things was that he did treat me different second time around. If sociopaths can love … I think it’s the closest he would get to it. His games didn’t bother me too much, as often they would backfire. He tried so hard. But patterns always repeat even if what’s seen on the outside is different. The fact that blog posts written two years earlier (I think, sociopath mind control how it works and it’s effects on you, and the sociopath exit strategy) were so accurate. Shows how patterns will keep repeating. Weird thing is. Second time I had to read my own blog posts to see the truth. I think that is because second time I did have emotions so could be sucked in. First time events happened day by day. I would always forget yesterday’s events due to trauma. Second time I stored those events and they built up over time. Which I guess is how a normal person would be. I don’t think its possible to manipulate someone with a traumatised brain without emotional connection. I wish I could write it but I can never seem to do it justice. I remember him wailing clutching his daughters photo as his ex was dying of cancer. I looked at him and thought that’s a bit convenient. He said I was heartless. So he has to go one further so the fake phone calls in front of me started. And then he got on a roll….. This all happened first time. I was never emotionally connecting to him though. Not the first time so he couldn’t ever take ownership then. If anything I found his behaviour fascinating. Reminded me of clients I worked with with long term drug problems. Thinking back they were probably sociopaths too.
His value of me was money. Even that is quite funny really. So he spent most of 2014 paying out. First time. Hotels flowers he put so much effort and time money in. A legal case was due to end…..it was meant to be a big pay out. Last minute at the end after a 4 year legal case it changed. Pay award dropped to virtually nothing and I invested most of it into an asset within hours lol…. From that point he didn’t really have money. But I was glad he was there for Christmas. Then I said he had to leave. I think he is happy with his life right now… But I also think he will never forget meeting me.
Yeah, maybe so. I could fake love better than Don Juan De Marco could mean it; if the patterns were there, you were probably right about what he is. I don’t think fighting back or pulling one over on psychopaths is advisable, though. The best thing for you to do is the antelope thing and run. It’s like that saying, ‘When you fight with a pig, you both get dirty, but the pig likes it.’
hi Iam1, this is the first time a i’ve had a chance to ask the opinion of a guy like you, I’ve been married for 20 yrs to a good man, unfortunately i got bored and started wondering out of my marriage, I’m an attractive tall skinny blonde never had to work a day in my life even though i’m a college graduate with a masters degree, so it was always easy for me to meet people, specially men, until i met “the one” at the gym, he was charming and gave me all his undivided attention, would text me and call me all day, told me we were soul mates, he was married too, he made me feel so different then anyone i ever met, i have a very strong personality and I am a bit narcissistic, so it takes a lot to move me, but this guy did it, a few weeks later he talked to me about some of his personal life telling me he was not into his wife anymore then he was asking me very personal questions about my marriage with special interest in my sex life which i confessed to him it was very deteriorated since he had shared with me,next thing u know when he felt more comfortable with me he he would make very negative comments about my marriage and trying to convince me that my husband was a horrible human being and how my life had sucked for the past 20 years, that it wasn’t until i met him that i was starting to be happy for the first time and at first i believed some of it, i really did feel a very strong connection or like he would say “we’ve met in a past life our souls are connected for ever”, next thing u know i was starting to feel miserable certain days when he wouldn’t call me or texted me since we talked for at least 4 hrs a day and texted 100 times, 4 months later he finally kissed me and 8 months later we ended up having sex in a park at midnight, after that he would never stop talking about all the things he wanted to do with me and to me, the conversations got super sexual like he would get off by just talking about it on the phone, because it never happened again, even though i went on short weekend trips with friends and asked him to come with me, he never did. But the phone sex got a lot more intense which didn’t seem right after a year went by without real physical encounters except for coffee once in a while, then he would be cold with me tell me remarks about my skin or nails or any parts of my body to bring me down which really didn’t really get to me but they were weird, then telling me all my friends were bad, i started having anxiety attacks, i was so confused, started fighting with my husband like never before, his purpose was for me to break up my marriage and be on my own, i fell for him so i started getting emotional but he didn’t show any compassion whatsoever he was most interested in letting me know he was right, another thing i thought was weird is how he would repeat to me how women hit on him all the time and how he would always get compliments of being so successful and beautiful, not to mention his car 100 times which was a very expensive one, he would be jealous when a guy tried to hit on me in front of him but not jealous normal but in a way to make sure i was aware that women hit on him just as much, he would try to make me feel old dumb and ugly and then bring me up again, i got addicted to the guy i totally fell for him, but it felt like i was being drained, everything was always when he could talk regardless i had a family too, i came to a point so low that i started going to therapy, my marriage was collapsing and my kids were acting up since i was paying no attention to any of them, as soon as my therapist heard my story she said i was dealing with a sociopath and that i should run the other way, what do u think? i dumped him really harshly this weekend and i feel very bad, did i make a huge mistake in letting my soulmate go? or did I just save me from the worst emotional disaster? i would love some input if u have the time, thnx
Ha, yeah you should keep running the other way. It sounds like he is one, but the “hookup culture” has got normal-brained d-bags stealing from our playbook, so it can be tough to tell. He’s sloppy. When we’re perfect, you shouldn’t know you’re being drained. Too bad about the deterioration of your marriage, though. Since you don’t work, you probably have no skills. You are the one who should be taking a note from us. Can’t let your provider get away.
Flying down to break up with my sociopath boyfriend on our 5yr anniversary. This website has helped me find clarity. Took me a long time to get here. Everything described is him and I’m just not sure what route to take Do I tell him I know about the other first or do I tell the other woman about me or about the lies or idk
Hi Christine, you could tell the other woman. But it would likely achieve little. For a start, he would use this to show how desirable he is, and that you are obsessed with his great wonderful self. She would think that she had a greater prize than she actually had. Secondly he would also use this to make out that you are crazy. I would save the airfare, book a trip for you, and just block him out of your life.
NOOOO. I wasted 5 years on my sociopath too. The last year in denial, thinking I could navigate his lies and manipulation. He will only try to twist your words and pull you back in. In the end, I texted him…I”m done! He beat his head against the wall trying to get me to explain, but I stayed firm. It give me a certain satisfaction that I left him confused.
Before you start testing your man..just know that he does not like to be tested. Any sign of apprehension makes us feel like it is a waste of time and we will act differently. These days, if a guy can spend a day not being sexual then its cool.
This article/blog is really interesting to me. I would like to present another side(I think. I haven’t read all of the responses.). I was conned 10 years ago by a woman who I let move in with me after 6 months. I was starting a new business with investments from my friends and family and she said that she could be the office administrator. Everything seemed great. One week before I was to open she thought I needed a break. She suggested my best friend and I go to Vegas and relax and be less stressed when the Grand Opening happened. I tried to say no but she called my friend and convinced him that it was a good idea. So we went Friday afternoon. I called Sat and Sunday but didn’t get a response. In fact Sunday her phone was dead. When we arrived to my house it was empty and so was the bank account. Also missing were computers from the office. I called her Mother and ask what happened and if she was ok? I was told that she had told her that I was a drug addict. I’m not sure what this had to do with stealing over $10,000 worth of money and things but I explained that that was impossible because I had to take multiple test for the business insurance and could easily go now and take another. I remembered her saying to me that she was afraid to go into parking structures because she had been jumped once. I now believed that she had probably done this before and someone tracked her down. I told this to her mother and said I wouldn’t waste my time or energy to ever contact her again. I had to get my business going. So that’s what I did and made more money and bought more things. I have been in the exercise therapy business for 22 years now and have helped about 7,000 people to live a pain free life. Most were told they need surgery and 95% of the time they never get it. Now flash forward to last year. I finally found my true love. I was engaged for the first time ever. She, her family and friends all said this was the greatest thing that ever happened to her. She received an email from the thief but disguised. Details only she could have known. Telling my fiance that I was a sociopath and narcissist and bipolar and gay and that I would hurt her child and pets. This was really creepy to me but didn’t put much thought into it. If it’s not true why defend? My friends and family were not so kind. They spoke with my fiance about what had happened. Things went down hill from there and no matter what did I could not save the relationship. Now I have been a single guy(meaning not married) and have dated my fair share of women. I am friends with probably about 70% of them so they also find this disturbing. I have never cheated on a woman because my Mother did that and it destroyed our family. I never lie because I find it silly and I don’t understand how people live with all that stress. I have never physically abused a woman and I fact have helped abused women find a safe place to stay. I never ask for money from women and in fact spend too much.(my savings is now double after our split for example. I say these things because those are some of the traits of a sociopath. My fiance is keeping my grandma’s ring and surfboards and clothes etc. She calls me a sociopath, narcissist and bipolar and gay. Although 4 hours after calling me those things she asked to meet me. Isn’t that the definition of Bipolar? She now formed a group on FB with just her friends.But a few angry women can’t diminish all of the work that I have done and loving friends that I have. Unfortunately we have friends in common so they have told me things. I have since told them that I don’t want to know. Anyway I guess I just wanted to vent and say that people should not throw words about a mental illness around so loosely. It is insulting to those who truly have the disease. Mental illness is a disease. Would you just go around and say people have cancer? I understand that people get hurt in relationships but it is just as easy to just say “We just aren’t right for each other” and remain civil. It always feels better to be kind and if you really think someone has mental illness maybe you could help them. Don’t put yourself in danger but you loved someone once and it is an illness. I’m not saying I am perfect but I believe love and kindness will eventually win! Blessings to all!
I just wanted to add that I have raised my 27yo son who is now a chef at Wolfgang Puck’s. He has never been spanked and is one of the nicest people you could ever meet. I think this is relevant in the face of the accusations.
Well I found a socio-embracer. He’s right, I have no kinship for him and I am at oods with his kind. Just because I will never feel the consequence does not mean I should actively cause harm. I equate this to eating, I could eat an entire pizza and have more enjoyment, but half a pizza would satisfy me as well. Over-indulgence should be tempered by will power. Any sociopath that agrees will fight their nature.
I live on a small island in the north atlantic, there are only about 5000 people on my island. me and my boyfriend live on the same island, but are not from the same town. My point is everyone knows everyone here. We have been together for 3 years now, and 2 and a half of those years have been a nightmare. He calls me names, talks bad about me to his family (who hate me), and all his friends who all hate me (apparently ive stolen their drinking buddy from them). he lies to everyone that i follow him around like a lamb, when all im trying to do is get away from him. if im away from him too long he acuses me of cheating. Nothing i ever do is good enough for him, not the food i make, how i clean the house and so on, i have tried to leave him so many times that i have lost count, but i aleays go back… i know how he is, but i just can’t seem to make it stick. and his drinking has gotten way out of hand, and on christmas eve he shoved me down his drive way because i got angry with him for getting drunk and thretening to leave him if his drinking didn’t stop soon. He wont let me leave, he has thretend to make sure i loose my son if i do and i dont know what to do anymore 😥 im so miserable. ive lost almost all my friends because of his behaviour, and my mother doesnt understand when i say that he wont let me leave. I would love any advice on how to tackle this situation he fits all the criteria above it’s because of him ive found this site.. All the things ibe mentioned are only a few things he has done ii would be typing for a week or more if i mentioned everything.
Hi Guys, so I really need some help here.
I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. When i look back at our relationship there are signs that he is a sociopath, actually he kind of meets the profile perfectly. We met at university; he lavished me with gifts, pushed for commitment very early. He always paid at dates, he literally would never let me pay. Although then borrowed large amounts of money from me in private. Within a month he was calling me drunk, accusing me of being with someone else, saying he could here them, which was just untrue.
He was always over committal making lavish statements, like ‘you are the one’, although i just thought he was really cheesy!
He always forced me to go out with him & his freinds. Saying it was rude not too, even though i felt it was kind off odd so early on.
So now we have been in a relationship for 10 years and my gut instinct is saying something is wrong. When we have arguments his only concern is winning. He will literally change the story to suit whatever is convenient, if i catch him out, he completely changes direction and refuses to stay on topic. It’s like we have completely different recollections of our lives we live together, i literally feel like i am losing my mind.
He never cries, the main emotion i see in him is anger, but he is generally pretty consistent (unless we are arguing). I often ask him why he never cries and he says most men don’t cry. He admits he is able of compartmentalise his emotion in a part of his brain. He says he thinks he learnt to do this because he had an abusive mother.
So over the last two years, i have not been mentally well. Something tells me i am not happy, often i feel depressed. Worst of all i have been experiencing odd health issues, such as mood swings, memory loss, hazy mind, paranoia, slurred speech. I literally thought someone was poisoning me and voiced this to my partner.
My partner however downplays this all. He says i have always been like this, and its just old age & he barely notices it. He loves me for who i am. This concerns me as surely the person who loves you this much would push me into getting professional help?
So to cut a long story short. After i had a bit of a breakdown, I told him I think he may be a sociopath. We had a very rational talk though this all. I asked him if he wanted me to read him the symptoms, to which he declined. He rationalised very well saying that if he was this person then why would he be so loving to our dog or encourage me to go out with my freinds. But also admitted that alot of these characteristics do sound like him, so he understand where i am coming from. Please note, this is following me saying i was going to move-out (so i dont know if this was an act to pull me back)
‘We’ concluded that maybe it was an issue with me. But I cant understand why he would stay with someone accusing him of these things or atleast not push me to get help. It just does’nt seem normal. He tells me its because he loves me unconditionally.
So now i don’t know if its him or me. I really don’t talk to anyone about our relationship, i am so dependant on him for support and advice.
It sounds like a typical Sociopath…and its funny how you mention that ‘we concluded that the problem was with you’!!! that’s very typical of a sociopath as its never their fault but always the other persons. The guy I dated, he did that every single time and the only time he admitted what he did was wrong was when I said it…and that (I only know now) was to repeat what I said because as a sociopath he knew that’s what I wanted to hear and he has to admit to it, to win and to get what he wanted!!! Most Sociopath show extreme behaviours…and the feeling of confusion is normal. I only dated this guy for 10 months and I was a changed person. I felt lost and even my friends saw a difference in me as I always complained about his behaviour but I couldn’t leave him. He was like an addiction…this is what they do, they play with your mind. Even till now I still think was he really a sociopath, or am I still imagining it. But I tell you now hun, you have spent 10 years with him…his only concern as you mentioned is ‘winning’ and also controlling. he will do anything to get you to stay…because you give him what he needs but he gives you nothing in return…apart from his charm! The charm is not real…leave him. Shut that door on him…and find someone who loves you for who you are and is happy to win/lose at time. Sociopaths can never to loving…they’re not capable of it as too self-absorbed.
I cant believe what I’m reading above – its sounds like the exact same guy I been dating for nearly a year and I really hope he’s gone from my life forever. I met this guy last year (2015) in March, he randomly came up to me and got my number. He was very attractive and we started chatting on whatsapp and agreed to meet up. He wasn’t my usual type but his charm and talk was so smooth that I fell for it hard. He was emotionally open, told me everything about his past, how his ex had hurt him a lot and how he’s always been the ‘good guy’ who meets the wrong girls…etc. Usually I always have my guard high and above…but with him my heart skipped a beat – I felt like he was everything I wanted in a man. He was attentive, caring, kind, would remember every single detail I told him, would text me non-stop all day, be the first one to text me ‘morning’, call me in evening and he was putting in all the hard work into his words. We worked close by so started meeting everyday for lunch and even after work for drinks/dinner. This went on for 4 weeks and I felt this was the first time I have known someone for such a short time but felt so deeply for them…until we slept together (no sex just foreplay) and the next day he turned horrible, very cold, one liner messages, playing the busy and just not bothered. He kept saying he cant meet me for lunch, was unwell (would even send me pictures of medication to prove he was sick), or busy after work because he had family issues – he was full of excused. So i thought its a typical guy thing – got what he wanted n now doing a runner. I was heart broken and really upset so I stopped contacting him.
The minute he realised I was walking away, he came back with a blast, being all kind, caring, considerate and apologising…said he had lotsof family issues and poor health but now better. So this was all in one week (the mood swings). Soon we were back on track again, his charm was back and I started spending more time with him and even going back to his after work. But I started seeing girlie things in his apartment like earrings, hair straighteners – when asked he would say its my sisters. Would swear on his mother, God and throw things around and even binned them at one point saying he doesn’t care who they belong to as this person means nothing to them. When I didn’t want to be physical with him, his charm would be at its extreme and I usually would give in but feel increasingly guilty after. when I told him, he had no reaction at all. His behaviour started to change again, he went cold. Would take hours to reply to my messages, but if I didn’t reply to his message he would get very aggressive on text and start sending about 3-4 messages and even call. He started saying he was busy helping a ‘friend’ move, had family problems and so on. So I started to walk away again. By now it was July and he told me he was going on holiday with his friends. Before he went on his trip he said ‘I know you been upset with me and I’ve hurt you, but I want you and need you in my life and don’t want to lose you. when I come back im going to change things between us, we will spend more time together etc’. I said okay. While he was away he was in contact regularly, including sending his morning messages. He came back and I didn’t hear anything from him until three days later when he messaged me saying he was in hospital and cant see him as hes very sick. I asked if I could come see him, he said when he gets home. I went to see him, he had got a present from his trip and was back to his full on charm. He wouldn’t show me any pictures…and I was convinced that he had gone on the trip with a girl (and I was also convinced that this was the same girl whose stuff I had found in his apartment).
Now in August, I meet him and he starts saying his ex wants to get back with him. I said okay, he should do what is right and by then I knew his ex was his GF! Few days later I got 33 missed calls from him in one day, asking me to not tell anything to his ‘ex’ if she calls. I said I don’t want to be part of his game and to leave me alone and never contact me. I did my own investigation via facebook (he didn’t have an account but I found the girl as I had her phone number and had seen her name,/picture) n instagram and found out that he had a gf along. So he had been lying and cheating…also it was her he went on a holiday with. So a pathological liar..!!!
So two weeks went by I didn’t hear anything from him, till one day he calls me n says I want to tell you something, please meet me. Silly me agreed to meet him. He started crying non-stop very loudly and started saying how he was in a wrong relationship with his ‘ex’ and always wanted to tell me about her but couldn’t…I should forgive him. He misses me and wants me back. I said NO! we met again in few weeks – same story him apologising, being sympatric and asking for forgiveness and how he will make things change. He chased n chased for 4 months – remembering every detail i mentioned, contacting me all the time even when i didn’t reply, saying how hes changed, its more his actions now than words, he feels terrible for what he did, time will make things better…eventually I gave in and thought everybody deserves a second chance. He helped me move into my new flat, he introduced me to his friends, we started spending weekends together but I started seeing this crazy side in him – he would tell me how he was very controlling, n his ex was only allowed to speak to certain people and soon I might need to do same as ‘not everyone is good for you’. He had this opinion that everyone was wrong and always doing him wrong but he never saw what he did bad. When the topic of I couldn’t trust him came up because when I met him he was cheating on his gf with me…he would go crazy and say ‘ you don’t know what she did to me, she cheated on me first’…he would call her all names like sl*t, sl*g etc but then say he could make things work with her. He would say he could destroy someone if they hurt him and no one knows what someone is capable off. I was actually scared of him…but then he would turn charming and caring again. Making me tea, shoulder massages, picking n dropping me home. I thought I was going crazy, I couldn’t work him out…The hot/cold behaviour started again…everytime I pulled away he pulled me back in…
Till one day three weeks into this ‘new relationship’ I woke up to see whatsapp (he knew I never checked my phone at night) and noticed that his profile pic was changed to him n ex. I got very upset, sent him a message saying not to contact me and blocked him from everywhere. We had spent a whole weekend together (got physical etc) and within less than 12 hours this happened…at 3am! I messaged him at 7am when I saw the pic. Within half hour of my message the pic changed…and he called me ragging…saying I was being stupid, and it was his friends who did that…I should understand him, he would be silly to do that, why would he want to lose me after all that, I need to give him a yes or no answer now if I want to stay with him…he was shouting badly and saying hes not going to apologise to me this time as its not his fault. I said guys don’t change another guys profile pic at 3am, either it was you because you trying to win her back, fell a sleep and I wasn’t meant to see it OR it was her (he doesn’t have a pin on phone) while you were with her. I said I cant talk as im upset and at work. I later asked to see him (this was test because by now I had worked him out) and he said it was too cold and he was at the gym but he can call me and see me the following day. I replied ok…and just blocked him from all contacts. Since then he has called me from private number…few times but I think he’s gone…but I do have a feeling either he has a new victim, back with the ex (she was 20 n him 32, im 32)…or just playing quiet. I do know he will be back when he gets bored…he has a very addictive personality and hates to lose.
Sorry for my long message – but what do you think? Sociopath or a typical guy? I have never dated anyone like this before…he lied about everything…even to once saying his cat had died and he needed emotional support. next time I went to his apartment, the cat was there…and when I asked he said he got an identical one because he was missing it too much!!!!
OMG this is my life. I’m so so sorry your going through this to. I married mine and also met him when he was married to his ex, I just feel like throwing up right now. I posted my story it’s a living Hell! I can’t believe what he did to me, my daughters and the animals.
Help!!! I’m living on a horror movie. I can’t even find a place to begin, it’s been years worth of control and the minute I called him out and then filed for divorce his rage and borderline illegal activities began.
After I wrote him about a divorce he tried to sell the house without me knowing, I find out by a moving and storage flyer in the mail, I quickly called the realtor and it was pulled off the market. Next he had some new friends come in with their phones video taping me pretty much doing nothing except waking from the basement to my daughters bedroom, they also tapped the police when they came because I called them.
Next he took my dogs. After that when he was served two days later he took the car while I was gone for 15-20 at BK getting food and Kinneys. Then on Dec 13th he called the SPCA on me, mind you him and his friend were flipping her water at night, I didn’t figure it out until they knocked at the door, anyways the SPCA was so mad they sent the papers to my lawyer. My horse is perfectly healthy and I’ve never had any issues with any of my animals the entire time we lived here. The he tried to freeze me out by locking the door to the computer room where the heat control was. Then he tried sucking the well dry by running the jaquzzi tub for 3 nights straight. I kept papers on all this. He also is having an affair, it’s been going on for quite sometime. OMG this is unreal to me. Two years ago he filed for divorce he was taping me constantly. I ended up with scabies which he told the dr pretty much no it’s not and I had BV, I never had BV no where in my health records! He wanted to try couples counciling but I realized he was using it as a tactical move not to help us.
If I didn’t do what he wanted he would not talk to me or leave to hang out at a local gas station and or disappear for hours. He even left the girls and I for 5 hours while camping to apparently get a new battery for his car which he didn’t do. I should have seen all this because he did similar things to his ex wife. He is a complete slob but makes it all pretty and sweet in the beginning of relationships then comes the other side of him.
This is just a very brief description of everything go he has done to me, my daughters and the animals. The laws in NY State are terrible and I’m going to try and fight for a change because they DO NOT protect victims!
I’m sorry it’s not car, he took the cat, so sad I feel the need to fix this.
Hey maria. Will go back through your comment and come back to you. I am here
I totally get the hell nightmare. Let me read your comment to see where you are at x
Hi Maria, sounds like you’re living in a nightmare. does your family know about all the things hes done? It’s always wise to let at least one person know all the details and also I would suggest you keep a log of everything that happens, date/time and give it to your lawyers. Take pictures or videos where you can. Also, cut him out…by changing locks but don’t over do it because it may drive him mad.
My sociopath, I haven’t heard from him in 2 weeks today. I don’t know if I will or if he’s playing the silent treatment because last I spoke to him he was annoyed that I had blocked him without hearing his side of the story (about his profile pic being changed to him n his ex at 3am was done by his mates!!!! not him or her -. it was a sunday night). Since ive seen on his whatsapp that hes been lashing out with his mates…he’s still blocked but he has always found his ways of getting in touch. I’ve actually really started to miss him. Its the mental stimulation thing…when im alone I cant stop thinking about him and how we used to meet up, his sweet comments etc. I constantly check my phone in the hope he will call – do you think it be wise to unblock him? My gut says its a bad move…the guy is a cheat and lie. With him its always same lie…he needs to get his car fixed, has to do food shopping, going gym and seeing his mates. But im not stupid…I have an elephants memory and do not forget details so when he tells me stories they don’t match up.
I hate this feeling…
Hey first of all i am hearing you and secondly i believe you.
Can you get him out of your home? Change locks? Is he on joint tenancy or ownership with you?
Pretty sure I’m married to a sociopath with kids. All signs point to it. U don’t know what to do…I’m scared.
Hi Nina, I am sorry that you are feeling scared. What makes you think that you are married to a sociopath?
I did this and he really threw a fit every single time. He once even raged as I told him that I would like to visit a buddhist monastery for some extended period of time to find some inner peace for myself. Oh and he also stated that I if I’ll go there I will find another man.
He also got mad whenever he said “I love you” and as an answer I told him what he did that hurt me (implying that if he really loved me he would not have done certain hurtful and really heartbreaking things).
Then he often shouted: “You should respect me!” or “What have I done wrong, right now I haven’t done anything, I just wanted to be nice!”
I was on here a year ago so confused after mine just up and left me again for no reason after 7 years of marriage I was searching for answers and I was told I was placed in this state of confusion as a tactic but I wanted to know will he ever come back and every site I read it said they always come back I was relieved but y? All that pain all the questions all the self blame…I begged I cried I pleaded with him we are married u can’t just quit he blocked me, changed his number and moved like I was a complete stranger bc I had decided to focus on my kids n not him. In June I attempted to serve him with divorce papers n yes just like I was warned he came back. He was the good version, sober not hitting me and working for once I wanted so bad to make it work. He had been cheating on me the prior 6 months with a girl ik and I just had to show her I was the one he loved. After 2 months I was pregnant he said he was happy he continued to be nice but still tried to make me jealous I didnt move him back in but everything was always about how great he was how perfect his body was how good his job was him him him and he made me quit my bartending Job bc only whores bartend so I did. I ended up miscarrying the baby at 14 weeks. I went to the hospital alone on Friday they told me the baby was dead and that if I did not naturally deliver by Monday I would have a DNC I was devastated I cried all night he knew where I was, drove right past the hospital to get to my house n never stopped in. He was at my home ,well our home, he no longer lived at playing playstation with his friend as I sobbed he said oh well we can have another. The next day I went into labor I was in severe pain and he advised he was going to the gym…I said I’m in labor miscarry ing our child u can’t leave me here alone my husband’s friend agreed n he reluctantly stayed but helped in no way as I was curled up on the bathroom floor vomiting bc I was in so much pain. That saturday night I screamed all night bleeding on the bathroom floor n he slept so peacefully by Sunday afternoon and once again he tried to leave to go to church but stayed with some convincing and I could no longer take the pain I couldn’t even dial 911 he had to. when the ambulance came he waited in the house I assumed he would get his friend to drive him to the Hospital but nope, hours later I delivered a tiny baby boy and I had to keep this information concealed bc the hospital advised fetus b4 20 weeks r medical waste and would be disposed as such. I told the nurse I may had flushed the baby n I wanted to go home but I wrapped him up in a towel to show my husband the reality of the life I had lost after carrying him for so long but he was not phased. I buried the baby and named him for closure. My husband was not around for that either. He was totally unaffected. My neighbor later told me that when he asked my husband y he wasn’t at the hospital he explained they would provide transportation home and he had no reason to although his friend had enough sense to pick me up. Friday he went skydiving took off work for that but couldn’t take off to b with me. He left his phone in the car while he went and I can’t believe that 2 days after our baby died he had met a girl and had been texting her to go out ever since. I called her she said he never said he was married or that he lost a baby how sick. When he caught me in his phone he lied saying she was a family friend n we were going to double date with her bf. All lies but he says he never lies now bc he is changed. I 4gave him and that was October. For thanksgiving I cooked him a separate dinner for his house, he paid the house payment 2x since I quit my job. Christmas came and he got me nothing but later handed me 100$ so $ wasn’t the issue I could tell things were changing he kept saying i didn’t support his goals of being a personal trainer or quitting his current job n I dont bc I want him to b successful…January came and I caught him showing up at the same girls work from the miscarriage week knowing he was wrong bc he lied about where he was he turned it around on me saying I’m too jealous but that was so wrong of him. 2 weeks later he picked a fight with me acted the same abusive person as b4 said he would murder me n throw me in a ditch if I didn’t take him to work. I dropped him off 10 mins later I get a text blaming me 4 his actions stating he wants a divorce. A week later he asked me to dinner I went then again he picked a fight with me. I checked his voicemail and the girl he cheated on me last year with was on cm. I called to tell him I’m pregnant again n to ask y was he with a girl he had sex with he told me to mind my business we were through to have an abortion that he is getting a divorce and he don’t care if I’m pregnant n don’t have a job he isn’t paying any bills. I was confused again but this is the cycle. Romance, get back in, lies cheating abuse, leave with no explanation n cause confusion but only after he had the girl lined up. I feel so stupid but thank God I didn’t tell anyone we were back together I posted a few pics but never said anything too specific bc everyone else says he is a sociopath. Ik it too but so hard to comprehend how a person can literally not care in a blink of an eye and how he can say he is a Christian, attends church 2x a week to make himself look like a great person then tell ur pregnant wife ur leaving n get an abortion. He likes to text me saying if I see u or anyone of my friends sees u we r calling the police like I’m stalking him but honestly I’m his wife I have a right to see exactly who he is with. But there is no point he is going to do this till I leave n he will run back when I do but I will never forget how he slept while I was in labor how he wanted to leave me home in pain how he didn’t show up to hospital how he still lies and cheats how he can’t change how being married means nothing n finding out that I’m pregnant again meant nothing. These ppl will definitely try to come back always but u have to let them go they don’t care about anyone. He has all new friends bc he screwed the ones from 2 yes ago over he is a chameleon and morphs into new identities. He is charming n women love him he has a perfect body to suck ppl in he can sing play guitar he is talented he seeks attention and power. He is abusive but hides it well, manipulative tells everyone I’m crazy when I try to seek the truth. Ppl don’t see him for himself at 1st but once they figure it out he removes them. It’s so insane that we were fine 2 weeks ago to being totally removed from his life but as soon as I serve him divorce papers again he will try to come back so I wrote this a reminder to myself to never forget what he is and that is a true sociopath.
Print it off Penny and go back and read it whenever you feel weak.
Im pretty sure the man I have been seeing for the past 5 years. We met at a local gym where I hired him for personal training. Our relationship was purely platonic for at least two years. I was married with two young chirldren he was single but dating.
My husband and I had been married for 13 uears when my affair began. This man had met and married a woman within 9 months of meeting her I take full responsibility for my actions but I was absolutely seduced. What I did was so out of character for me but I couldn’t stop. I would break it off so many times from the awful guilt I felt but within days he would pull me back in. My husband discovered what was going on after a year. It was a horrible time during which I had no communication with the other man. Then a couple of weeks later the door bell rings and he’s on my porch! He waited for my husband to leave for work and then then drove up. He couldn’t live without me, blah, blah, blah. He got me a prepaid cell phone so that we could keep in touch. My husband and I eventually separated and I continued my relationship with the other man. It continued to be a secret however because he was still married and I also didn’t want my kids to deal with the stress of another man when they already had so much to deal with. Eventually, he got a divorce. He swears to this day his wife didn’t know about us but I know in my heart she did. Ive always felt like he was hiding something. That he lies even when he doesn’t have to. I was always questioning his wearabouts which annoyed him. I remember him telling me once, if there’s no proof than it never happened. I can’t remember what that was in reference to but it stuck with me.
One. night I surprised him at his house and he had woman over. She was fully dressed but He was in his underwear. I flipped of course and he tried to say that they were just friends. Total bullshit and I knew it. So I contacted this woman with no ill will. It simply to find out what the real story was so that I could move on. She was lovely and and I found out that they had been seeing ea bother for a month. She knew nothing about me except that he had told her we had a brief affair but he had broken it off and I was having trouble getting over it. We talked for a long time comparing notes so to speak. I told her she was free to date him if she chose but she said she was ending it. I wish that I had been as strong as her. When he realized he had been caught he raged. I was actually afraid even though he has never layed a hand on me. After a while he convinced me to meet with him where he admitted he fucked up and he would do whatever he had to do to make it up to me. So for the next year he literally told me where he was every hour of the day.
Then he got sick. His kidneys had failed. How do I leav someone who has no family. No one to help him. So I stayed. Continued out secret relationship for two more years. During this time I would fall apart several times due to the stress of still being a lier to my friends, family and children. Wanting to be free but not being able to leave.
So, after a very risky surgery he has functionof one kidney and has been starting to feel like himself a little again and I feel the mistrust coming back. He’s lying about where he is and what he does. Most recently I was staying at his place and the brush I keep there was missing. He is bald so …he had no explanation but I’m the crazy one. Then maybe an hour later wereinhis room and he was looking for a shirt to wear. We were looking in his shirt drawer together when I pull out a woman’s sweater. He literally tried to put it on saying it was his. He actually tried putting it on!…he couldn’t get the sleeves past his elbow! If it wasn’t my life I would have laughed because it was clearly a woman’s piece of clothing. His explanation was that the laundromat must have accidentally put it with his clothes. He moved 5 months ago to an apartment that has its own washer and dryer so he admits it must have been there for a longtime. Bullshit I know. Then he pulls the you don’t believe me. I have never given you a reason to distrust me. So suddenly I am the bad guy. Every time we have an argument he says I’m trying to make an excuse to leave and I say I don’t need an excuse. You give me plenty of reason. But every time we breakup I know I’ll be back. I can’t seem to stop the cycle.
I think I am in a similar situation. I met someone online and we began talking as if we had known each other for years. He would send me pictures and videos of his siblings and parents and compare how similar our families were. He wanted to be texting every day all day and would call me or face time me several times throughout the day. I saw a few red flags when I would be too busy to answer and would get passive aggressive/short text messages from him. After only a few weeks of knowing each other, he asked me to be his girlfriend. His charm and charisma made me excited that he wanted to be exclusive. A few nights later he was telling me things like “its freaking me out how similar we are.” “I really think you are the one” “I have never ever felt like this about a girl before”. It was weirdly flattering because everything up to that point had been pretty good (minus the few red flags). A few weeks into us being official though, everything changed. He would only call me when I hadn’t answered his texts for a few hours. He started to be extremely shady about his activities after work.. but would then play the victim if I ever second guessed him on anything. He made an offensive joke and when I reacted by saying “I don’t understand the joke.. it seems rude” instead of apologizing , he accused me of “not having a sense of humor” and lashed out by saying he was done with the conversation. He now goes almost an entire day ignoring me sometimes, but when I tell him I have to take an exam and can’t text for an hour.. he answers by saying “k” instead of saying encouraging things. Does this sound like a sociopath?
Okay, I just have to write this out because, like many of you I’m sure, I feel like an absolute crazy person debating whether or not the person I was with for over three years and best friend of seven years really could have been a lying horrible human being the entire time with me, a fairly intelligent woman, never noticing until the end. We met in school, and we talked and always had an attraction to each other for several years, but one of us was always in a relationship – he had cheated on his girlfriends with others, but I wouldn’t allow that. He always seemed kind of sketchy, but we always had this weird connection. Finally, after we had graduated both of us were finally in a place where we could be together. We were ecstatic. The first year of our relationship seemed to be like magic, but to be honest, I lived out of town for the majority of it – so who knows what was going on behind my back. After being together for a year we moved in together, and that’s when things got confusing. Before I go into details, I will tell you this – he told me he was a diagnosed Schizophrenic. He said that in High-School he started having delusions and hearing voices, and his mother was so worried about him that she dragged him into a psychiatrists office, and a few months later he got his diagnosis and had been heavily medicated for a long time. He hated his medication, however, and had stopped taking it, but he seemed to be functioning just fine. He never had a delusion that I saw and didn’t really show any symptoms of schizophrenia (I know this because I did a ridiculous amount of research). Anyway, when we moved in together I kept catching him in small, insignificant lies. It made me uncomfortable, but I never really said anything about it. He also never worked to get a job and allowed me to pay for his existence. I created his resume, I put it in, I scheduled his interviews, etc. I paid for his rent all but two months that we lived together. Eventually, I found out that he had been cheating on me with this girl, who I’ll call Lisa. He had known Lisa for a long, long time and I knew he had always liked her. I wasn’t really shocked he had been talking to her. I packed up my things and tried to leave and he absolutely fell apart – or at least it SEEMED that way. He begged me to stay, that he needed me, that he was so sorry. I stayed. A few months later I found out they were still talking and that he had blocked me and my closest friends from seeing his statuses and stories on social media, so I tried to leave again. He came back at me telling me his schizophrenia had gotten horrible and unbearable, that he was so depressed he didn’t know what to do, and that’s why he had been cheating on me. Me, being the idiot in this situation, believed him. To my knowledge, he hadn’t done anything before, so I said I was so sorry that he was hurting so badly, and that I would do anything I could to stand by his side while he attempted to get better. He moved back to our hometown to be with his parents and told me he had gotten into therapy and was on medication. During this time he didn’t allow us to officially date but stayed close with me and my family, and we still acted as if we were together. Long story short, I was freaking out that he was cheating on me down there, especially since we weren’t “technically” together, and he kept saying that of course, he wasn’t. He gave me this whole monologue about how I was “his one”, and then not three days later slept with a girl with THE SAME NAME AS ME. I forgave him for that too, because I was under his spell. He eventually “got better” and moved back in with me, and it was the same ordeal. He was angry when I tried to discuss his mental health. Threw chairs across the apartment and punched holes in nearly every door. I found out he was sleeping with a co-worker for months and lied about having to go out of town on the weekends to see her. I found out and confronted him. The same story although seemingly nothing had changed about him. His schizophrenia was back, he was depressed, he didn’t know what he was doing, he thought it was a delusion, and he said he had no intention of getting help this time. He wouldn’t move home and leave his job (that I found for him). In fear of him hurting himself and his well being, I went to his mother and father to tell them that he was struggling with his schizophrenia and depression again. They had NO IDEA what I was talking about. He never went to the psychiatrist, he was too young to go alone at the time he said he had gotten diagnosed, and he never went when he had come home to “get better” the year before. There was no psychiatrist. There was no medication. Every time I caught him in his little game of lying and cheating he just used his fake mental illness to get me to feel bad for him. Also, I found out from his close friends who had finally had enough of him, that he had been cheating on me the entire time. He had been sending naked photos of women to them to hold for him, and have them send them back when I wasn’t around. He had slept with seven other women the two years we were living together. He played such a good game. I was so convinced we were happy and in love. I provided for him in every way – monetarily, emotionally (which I guess he didn’t really need), I found his jobs, I cleaned, I cooked. He just took and took and slept with whoever he wanted. I debate whether or not he is actually an sp, but I know his new girlfriend. And I know he is already cheating on her, and lying to her about going to jail and his mental health. It hurts my heart so deeply that I can’t save this girl the same fate. It’s so difficult to have to question every person who walks into your life – I don’t wish it on anyone.
You cannot save this girl Bailey. Although it is normal human emotions to want to do so. Just as you would not have listened, likely she would not either. You cannot change or fix him – but you can change, heal and fix you.
What happens after you’ve pushed all the buttons? After you let one thing slide after another after the other only to find yourself in over your head and childishly spewing out all realizations as he remains very poised and operative over text messages (some sort of indication he has had experience coaxing out the devil for legal battles or settlement purposes?) Who knows…you never know with this breed. When it’s easy to be the “listener” and never the triumphed, trumpeter boastfully proclaiming yourself as an exhausted and exhuberant pioneer in everything (aka hoodwinking)…text messages…the new/old, quill feathered ink to pulp has quite the way of having you examine your silence in person as compared to their electronic silence through your lengthy expression. His “you are horrible and delusional” and “rot in hell” after volumes of text calling him out, pleading…hoping he will finally admit wrongdoing (since you are in no way legally binded and Thank God you had the clarity and gumption to avoid that) could be compared to idle hands with the devil on your left laughing in your ear just as tragically as the words spoken in person after the organic shit-stain face being caught with hand in the cookie jar…”I have a large social circle including fraternity brothers, military brothers, business partners, sailing “community” blah, blah, blah so people contact me all the time…she was just out sailing wondering if I was going which is something you wouldn’t know anything about (because I am wayyy far below him). Then…”I would never be with someone who the “club” knows sleeps around” while back tracking and saying he wasn’t referring to the woman when asked specifically a few days…hell, maybe even a week later without any accusations or hostility (though that was it for me…done…but not specifically…not consciously). After a tirade of my one sided text messages very lengthy and his reponse always soft and caring …conversation proved otherwise letting me know via heated conversation that men like “him” who are educated and are of higher socioeconomic “status” simply are on the lookout for something better living a double lifestyle where their acts go largely unnoticed by their brethren…encouraged even…using women for sex…but he isn’t that way…hmm…actually…he never even stated that…I just suspected that men grow out of that, eventually. Not so! Then…after button pushing…he “never had any interest…she is overweight” then…”she never had any interest in me”. All across the board and had not for button pushing, would not have ever had the chance to watch these calm, collected monsters weild their game hoping you would forget their statements when reading over text because we are not the first “crazy” they’ve come across in their lengthy years of lying and cheating and know exactly how to push the envelope while we, the pawn allow these concrete and permanent phrases blind us from remembering entire conversations. Genius, right? Not so much…berate and badger their sorry asses but keep your distance…they will sweet talk forever if too close…expose them for the rotten waste of space in your life when they’re living in your house for free because not only do they see you as far below them you are now nothing in their eyes… mirror them precisely, play their game and spoon feed it back. Found evidence of mine going to jail for domestic violence….buy a gun…cut ties and blow a hole through the locked door if you ever hear them trying to get in…rats always try and get in. Or, do none of the above…cut ties on the very first unease in conversation and save yourself the heartache. And remember, it’s always when you have been through the hardest experiences in life and are just barely seeing the sun begin to rise with a heart full of hope and on the more peaceful end of detemination that your world spins a bit faster keeping pace with the light…if you’re keeping pace, it’s for a reason…never spin too fast…slow down and let the sun finally rise…you’ve been through hell and back alone and in alone there is much comfort.
I spent 6 years in hell. The criticisms, the judgments and the hurtful words made that today I have no more confidence in me, no more esteem. I will not go through the details because I think that those who have lived with a sociopath have had almost the same experience. I finally had the courage to ask for a divorce. His first response was that he respects my decision but does not approve it. I was devastated because I realized how much he controlled me. I was really decided, and he came all the time with arguments to show that I was making the wrong decision. He sent me articles describing “the anxiety of the relationships”, and therefore that I had the symptoms and that he has a clear conscience since reading the article. After my recquest for divorce he dramatically changed. He has become kind, helps me with housework. He tells me that he understood his mistakes and realized that he really loves me, and that he will change. One part of me does not believe in what he says, and another really wants to believe it. Today I really live in confusion, I am sometimes wondering if he is really sociopath or if I am just creating some movies in my mind. I know deep inside that I do not want to be with him anymore, even if there is a child in the middle. But I do not know how to get out of this situation or where to start now that he’s become a perfect gentleman again.
Nadie, abuse is abuse. If you feel abused you are. I know that you say that he is now being a perfect gentleman again. But the truth is, an abuser will repeat their behaviour, over and over again. It won’t change. Look at the post ‘confusion of kindness’.
positivagirl, You are right! I decide to get some help. It’s not easy, but I thinking the hardest part was to accept that I was in an abusive relationship and to ask for help.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for only 5months and feels a lot longer , we have had amazing times and very very low I’ve even wanted a break. We met at my work where I gave him my name on a reciept and he didn’t realise although asked for it! He came in looking for me and I wasn’t working it was all very sweet.
He messaged me after seeing my name eventually and it was lovely so so nice. Soon he wanted to fly to see me ( I was impressed and shocked we hardly knew each other it was a big deal for one date ) he came here and it was just lovely he done everything right he was charming, manners everything. Little niggles happened that I was confused by he got very distant if I didn’t kiss him, and was full on with asking if I would do a long distance relationship, but anyway it was amazing.
He fly home as it was Christmas and little did I know when I had a girls night with my best friend he messaged her saying he wanted to surprise me, he was being lovely to her about me making me sound amazing how he has never felt like this. She told me of course because she said we don’t know him enough but we thought wa amazing. Before we knew it he showed up in my work on Boxing Day with flowers, chocolates and presents !! Everyone knew about him everyone was asking even customers it was like a movie but it was also bizarrely brilliant and a lot. He met my family this time it felt too soon but natural? I couldn’t not invite him to the bells for new year but my family thought he was hilarious , charming and positive.
Soon it was time to leave and he travels with his career through sport. We were getting on amazing!!!! He was very full on it was crazy but I felt special and seen all the good, I flew to see him for his birthday only a few weeks later ! It was amazing, romantic but some things happened, he seemed weird about me going out myself whilst he worked ( just to see tourist stuff) he laughed and said if u get lost it’s not my fault I said. and we agreed to meet and get food soon only we mistakenly met at wrong cafes and I waited for about 40 mins and started feeling anxious he wasn’t answering my calls he was eating… he answered and was angry and said you can meet me in an hour I’ve spent this much money on food I felt upset I didn’t speak the countries language … he is 20 I am 19. He met me eventually and could tell I was upset but he said your being weird isn’t go I’ll get you later I’m good on my own but I was lost I had to follow him. Anyway this got dismissed eventually and I treated him to big birthday meal and gifts he loved.
He told me he was falling for me which I was shocked it was so early and I couldn’t say it back just yet but he knows I’m shy like that. I said I was feeling like I was ready to fall for him cause it was true but he seemed annoyed he said it first? soon I was home and things were so good! But he started saying I wasn’t talking enough, he was comparing me to all his “friends who are girls” saying he talks to them more than me and it’s ridiculous but I swear we spoke a lot, made me feel rubbish, he hated me being out with friends and even calls if I didn’t FaceTime he got mad but when I said it was abit much said I should be lucky to have someone wanting to call me, and that girls would kill for him like em ok?
Anyway I felt really bad and still try very hard with communication but if I miss calls he ignores me for like so so long it’s horrible. He said he was having 3 girls staying in his hotel room he knew them they were friends from home I felt I’ll, it was too much maybe I was jealous but when I tried to explain he wouldn’t like it if I was doing that with guys he said yes it’s different your a girl with 3 guys that’s not ok?! Whatttt?
Anyway all that seems to be tiny bit better but is it because I’m giving it to it? He also had issues with my doing my uni work and said I didn’t make time for him when it was exams time and I did . He owes me money which I’ve brought up 5 times as it’s a lot of money because his card didn’t work when he was here, he always finds an excuse and says fine can you send me my clothes in post? It makes me feel he’s not giving it back and will end it by wanting his stuff back maybe I’m being silly I just don’t know .
He’s very scheduled and organised and it’s as if if I don’t fit into it I get blanked. Or when things go wrong he’s like ah I was going to buy you flight tickets . I don’t know
I love him and am not sure if I’m being silly but his attitude to situations are awful I’ve never met someone like to an extend of this .
Any advice ? Thank you