When you feel like the Sociopath was the ‘love of your life’… what you really need to know!
I get it, I hear you. Your heart has been broken. The love that you felt in your heart, was used to manipulate, dupe and con. What a twisted turn of reality?
You might be sitting there, thinking ‘but you don’t understand this person WAS the love of my life!’
I hear you protesting, I repeat ‘I do understand’, but like everything when you have been lured into the Sociopaths box of tricks, and theatre of illusion, nothing is ever quite as it seems.
Can you remember when you first met the Sociopath? Can you remember how you felt when you first met? Perhaps this person was reserved, and ‘not quite sure of themselves’, they had been through a bit of a rough time, and maybe had a difficult childhood, or an ex who had treated them badly?
Perhaps you knew, that when something is damaged, all that you have to do is to water it with love? That is how it works right? We have seen battered dogs in a dog’s home, some cannot be rehomed, but many, with love, and care, really can. As the Sociopath assesses you (and YES this is exactly what they do), they are repeating back to you exactly what it is that they think that you wanted to hear.
I too, thought that the Sociopath was the love of my life. To really see the sickening truth, I have needed to go back in time, to go back through history, and to read chat logs, from way back. I needed to read back Facebook chat logs from December 18th 2011, the day after I first met him online.
It is true, that there were some things that we connected on. It is also true that he was lying to me, mirroring me, and assessing me from day one.
Like a predator that hunts its prey, this is all that I was to him.
He took a look at my Facebook profile. It was quite revealing, what would have stood out, was as it was almost Christmas, I was coming up to the 2nd anniversary of my daughter’s death. He scanned my Facebook, then said to me
I see that you had a baby who died on 16th January, what a bizarre coincidence, my baby died on 17th January. (This was a lie)
He could see that my grandmother had died only weeks before meeting him, and also it was clear by my write up on Facebook page, and also what I had written on the dating website, that I was spiritual, so he said
My dearest possession is some rotary beads, they were given to me by my grandmother, they mean so much, but she is dead now. (This again, was a lie)
He probably at this point expected me to go into a dialogue of being devastated about my grandmother’s death. But this didn’t happen. I was traumatised, and still grieving my daughter’s death the year before. Instead I simply replied
Well yes, I loved my grandmother very much, but she was old, and had lived her life, it was time for her to go (she was 94).
He pushed further, not getting further forward saying
So what kind of spirituality, do you do tarot cards?
I affirmed that I did, and quickly moved on.
He asked me three or four times the same question
So, tell me about what you don’t like?
He was now going to tailor make himself to be everything, minus what it was that I didn’t like. He didn’t do too good a job, as my first thought was that I didn’t like liars. I didn’t like people who couldn’t be honest. I told him this.
I then made a fatal error, as he returned to questioning me about my daughter’s death. It was a vulnerable time of the year for me, and I was still traumatised. I didn’t realise that evil such as him existed. It wouldn’t have been something that entered my mind, at the time. So I said that I lived in a nice house, but that I hadn’t moved here for me, I did it for my daughter, to provide her with a nice life. I said how
I would do anything for a child, but I wouldn’t do it for me
Now he knew what it was that I wanted, so he would sell this back to me. Within a very short time, he would, as all Sociopaths, who are the Salesman without the product, would sell to me exactly what he thought that I wanted.
This was despite the fact that it wasn’t his to sell. Sociopaths never let a minor detail like that get in the way. All that they think about is themselves.
He would tell me that his ex was dying of cancer, and that his daughter would have to come to live with us. I had never met her, but he appeared to be such a great father. Of course, he was being everything that my daughter’s father wasn’t. After a lot of ‘fishing’ within a short space of time, he had accurately assessed that what had devastated me, was my daughter dying suddenly at birth, and her father leaving days later.
So, he would fabricate that the mother of his child was dying of cancer, and that his daughter would have to come to live with us. Being a Sociopath he was master of illusion, with fake phone calls to back up the lies, always giving the appearance how great a father he was. He really went to town, and would often wake up in the morning, saying things like
I had the most amazing dream last night, it was me you and my daughter. We were walking along the beach, I know she is going to be so upset, but we will need to keep things positive for her, provide stability and love for her. I can see us all being together as a family. He was selling me what I had lost. The family with my little girl and my partner. As the months passed by he became more elaborate in his ploy to sell me what I wanted. This was despite the fact that he wasn’t seeing his daughter, it was all an illusion.
If I am honest, at the time it freaked me out. I wanted MY daughter, not somebody else’s although of course, I would have done anything to help. I wondered how I would cope, and if I was strong enough, but I would try. I couldn’t believe how unlucky we were being. I spoke to family and friends and tried to reach out for support, we were going to need it. I so felt sorry for his little girl, I hadn’t even spoken to her. I bought her things for my home, things to make and do, and pretty things for the bedroom. I feared how she would adjust. This lie was to continue for months. I asked friends who had children the same age for support. My daughter gave DVD’s for her, my mum was concerned, it was an awfully tragic thing to happen.
It never occurred to me, that this perfect man, was nothing but a lie, and an illusion, selling me a product that neither had nor owned, but that didn’t matter to him.
Each day, he faked this false life, and his false self, to be exactly what I wanted to see.
Why you really HAVEN’T lost the love of your life!!
I want you to understand that the Sociopath is an EMPTY person. They fill themselves up with the hopes, wishes and dreams of other people. You cannot lose what you did not have!
If you don’t believe me, you only have to see them again after they have ‘moved on’ you will see that their likes, hobbies and interests have now changed to fit in with someone else. Now they are mirroring somebody else. They BECOME who the other person wants to see!! Each time they move on, they mould and shape into somebody different. Taking up new hobbies and interests. It doesn’t matter to them, if their new hobbies and interests, are what they objected to in their last relationship. As long as they are mirroring (THEREFORE DOMINATING) somebody else, and living off of their energy (and hopefully finances too) that is all that matters. If they get a roof over their head, free rent, and free everything else, well all the better. Sociopaths know that their time might come to an end at any time, so they might as well make the most of it.
You see, all that he really was, was a mirror image of me. He was mirroring MY PAIN and the MISSING part of me, selling back to me, what I wanted. With a big gleaming smile, and kind eyes, that yelled I AM TRUSTWORTHY.
He loved to tell me what a ‘GOOD’ Person he was. He loved to guage how well his performance was doing, by saying sentences such as
So, do you really love me?
Am I the love of your life?
I have never felt the way that I do about you before, you are the love of my life!
(cough – BULLSHIT)
Let’s face it, his actions were far from good. He was a compulsive pathological liar, and a thief too.
If you are feeling like this person was the love of your life, I want to ask you the question
WHAT DID HE/SHE OFFER YOU, WHICH MAKES THEM THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE?
If I am honest when I answer that question, he was offering me – me!
He did this the whole time that I knew him. In that time, he had
- No real hobbies or interests of his own
- No friends that I met
- No closeness to his family – nobody that I met properly (considering the length of time that we were together)
I WAS HIS LIFESTYLE CHOICE!!! I WAS HIS HOBBY………. Just as his new victim, is his latest hobby.
There was NOTHING about him that was real. He was always a mirror image to me. Always doing what I wanted to do. When I thought about it, he complained about the same thing, with his last exe’s
- She was controlling
- She was psycho and mentally ruined me
- She was violent I was scared of her
- She cheated on me
- She was lazy and didn’t do housework
The only good thing I heard him say was about the mother of his child who he admitted was a good mother.
I am sure that when he was in those relationships, he wasn’t saying the above to them!
Thinking that you have LOST the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE IS JUST AN ILLUSION, that is often fed by them. They will quite happily tell you
- Nobody understands you like I do
- You have lost the love of your life, all through your silly actions and being stubborn
- You will never find somebody like me
- I am going to have a great life, with all that I have learned from you
- THANK YOU, I wish you well, have a nice life, Goodbye
Yes…. I know…. I know that it hurts like hell. After having the mirror image screened to you, for however long, the mirror that was In front of you, crashes and smashes to pieces. You feel lost. That big gaping, empty core soul wound, is now there raw, angry and unhealed.
WHAT IS LOVE?
Love, is to love without condition. It actually isn’t about how somebody else feels about you. It isn’t about what you get in return. It isn’t an investment. LOVE – love is about HOW YOU FEEL! It is what you give, not what you receive.
Maybe it is true, that you loved and gave more than you would have ever done before in your life. Why did you do that? Did you do it, because you IDENTIFIED with this person? Because you felt that CONNECTION?
Why do you think this is? You felt that connection, and identified with him, because he/she was a FRAUD and CON ARTIST!
Yes, that is what they are, con artists, fraudsters and tricksters. Empty vessels who will tell you all that you want to hear, to get exactly what they want. (they move on to do the same thing to the next person).
HOW DO YOU GET OVER THIS? THE PAIN IS SO BAD!
- The hardest step is to forgive YOURSELF. Never mind about forgiving them, this isn’t about them, this is about you! You haven’t done anything wrong, you loved and you gave. Be grateful that you CAN love (they can’t) and you will love again
- As painful as it is, the next step is to do no Contact. If you have things to say, maybe send an email and say goodbye then block him/her
- Steer clear of mutual friends, for some time until you are healed and recovered, or at least got your life back on track. Likely they will try to hang out with your mutual friends, let him/her have them. I am sure that there are people In your life, that didn’t like him/her, spend time with them. These are your TRUE friends
- Write TWO lists – in list one , write what he/she promised – or the illusion you were given, in list two write the reality and what did you gain from this?
- Write another list of ALL of your losses, then LET IT GO
- Know that you WILL heal and recover, but you have to do no contact. This person is not worth your time or effort, they have already stolen enough time.
- KNOW THAT THIS PERSON WILL NOT CHANGE!
- THEY WILL NOT BE THE PERSON YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE – AND ONCE MOVED ON, THEY WILL NEVER AGAIN BE THE PERSON THAT YOU LOVED!
You need to understand that the person that you loved, DID NOT EXIST. They CANT come back to you, as they have now morphed into someone else.
You remember believing in Santa right? How sad it was when you learned he wasn’t real? But I bet you went on to have great Christmas’s afterwards?
I am sorry that you are hurting!!!
For this, sincerely I am sorry. Did you know that heady feeling when there were good times with them, that you can experience this, just by being on your own? Were you in the Sociopaths life? Or were they just in yours? Mine was just in mine, I definitely wasn’t in his life. He didn’t have a life I wished he would get a life, but he didn’t.
Forgive yourself, and allow yourself time to heal and recover. Follow the no contact rule, and heal within. Set yourself some goals and targets to work towards, and keep busy.
I promise you the thought that the Sociopath is the love of your life, is just an illusion, it is an illusion sold by the Sociopath, and if you continue with contact they will sell you this illusion, for as long as you will buy it.
You WILL heal and recover, even if you feel you have lost everything. Believe me, if you had stayed with them you would have incurred further losses. Focus on you, and focus on your healing and recovery. Even if that means some duvet days on the sofa, watching tv, and eating icecream from a tub, or having a beer and watching football on tv, anything. Just take it SLOW, take each day one at a time.
Understand that this is addiction, caused and deliberately created by them.
Please write down ONE long term goal, and this is
Where do you want to be 18 months from now? And work towards that goal!!
You can do this, and I promise that the Sociopath is not the love of your life – unless you are a hollow empty shell too? I bet you are not!
Love yourself, you really are worth it.
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2015