When you feel like the Sociopath was the ‘love of your life’… what you really need to know!
I get it, I hear you. Your heart has been broken. The love that you felt in your heart, was used to manipulate, dupe and con. What a twisted turn of reality?
You might be sitting there, thinking ‘but you don’t understand this person WAS the love of my life!’
I hear you protesting, I repeat ‘I do understand’, but like everything when you have been lured into the Sociopaths box of tricks, and theatre of illusion, nothing is ever quite as it seems.
Can you remember when you first met the Sociopath? Can you remember how you felt when you first met? Perhaps this person was reserved, and ‘not quite sure of themselves’, they had been through a bit of a rough time, and maybe had a difficult childhood, or an ex who had treated them badly?
Perhaps you knew, that when something is damaged, all that you have to do is to water it with love? That is how it works right? We have seen battered dogs in a dog’s home, some cannot be rehomed, but many, with love, and care, really can. As the Sociopath assesses you (and YES this is exactly what they do), they are repeating back to you exactly what it is that they think that you wanted to hear.
I too, thought that the Sociopath was the love of my life. To really see the sickening truth, I have needed to go back in time, to go back through history, and to read chat logs, from way back. I needed to read back Facebook chat logs from December 18th 2011, the day after I first met him online.
It is true, that there were some things that we connected on. It is also true that he was lying to me, mirroring me, and assessing me from day one.
Like a predator that hunts its prey, this is all that I was to him.
He took a look at my Facebook profile. It was quite revealing, what would have stood out, was as it was almost Christmas, I was coming up to the 2nd anniversary of my daughter’s death. He scanned my Facebook, then said to me
I see that you had a baby who died on 16th January, what a bizarre coincidence, my baby died on 17th January. (This was a lie)
He could see that my grandmother had died only weeks before meeting him, and also it was clear by my write up on Facebook page, and also what I had written on the dating website, that I was spiritual, so he said
My dearest possession is some rotary beads, they were given to me by my grandmother, they mean so much, but she is dead now. (This again, was a lie)
He probably at this point expected me to go into a dialogue of being devastated about my grandmother’s death. But this didn’t happen. I was traumatised, and still grieving my daughter’s death the year before. Instead I simply replied
Well yes, I loved my grandmother very much, but she was old, and had lived her life, it was time for her to go (she was 94).
He pushed further, not getting further forward saying
So what kind of spirituality, do you do tarot cards?
I affirmed that I did, and quickly moved on.
He asked me three or four times the same question
So, tell me about what you don’t like?
He was now going to tailor make himself to be everything, minus what it was that I didn’t like. He didn’t do too good a job, as my first thought was that I didn’t like liars. I didn’t like people who couldn’t be honest. I told him this.
I then made a fatal error, as he returned to questioning me about my daughter’s death. It was a vulnerable time of the year for me, and I was still traumatised. I didn’t realise that evil such as him existed. It wouldn’t have been something that entered my mind, at the time. So I said that I lived in a nice house, but that I hadn’t moved here for me, I did it for my daughter, to provide her with a nice life. I said how
I would do anything for a child, but I wouldn’t do it for me
Now he knew what it was that I wanted, so he would sell this back to me. Within a very short time, he would, as all Sociopaths, who are the Salesman without the product, would sell to me exactly what he thought that I wanted.
This was despite the fact that it wasn’t his to sell. Sociopaths never let a minor detail like that get in the way. All that they think about is themselves.
He would tell me that his ex was dying of cancer, and that his daughter would have to come to live with us. I had never met her, but he appeared to be such a great father. Of course, he was being everything that my daughter’s father wasn’t. After a lot of ‘fishing’ within a short space of time, he had accurately assessed that what had devastated me, was my daughter dying suddenly at birth, and her father leaving days later.
So, he would fabricate that the mother of his child was dying of cancer, and that his daughter would have to come to live with us. Being a Sociopath he was master of illusion, with fake phone calls to back up the lies, always giving the appearance how great a father he was. He really went to town, and would often wake up in the morning, saying things like
I had the most amazing dream last night, it was me you and my daughter. We were walking along the beach, I know she is going to be so upset, but we will need to keep things positive for her, provide stability and love for her. I can see us all being together as a family. He was selling me what I had lost. The family with my little girl and my partner. As the months passed by he became more elaborate in his ploy to sell me what I wanted. This was despite the fact that he wasn’t seeing his daughter, it was all an illusion.
If I am honest, at the time it freaked me out. I wanted MY daughter, not somebody else’s although of course, I would have done anything to help. I wondered how I would cope, and if I was strong enough, but I would try. I couldn’t believe how unlucky we were being. I spoke to family and friends and tried to reach out for support, we were going to need it. I so felt sorry for his little girl, I hadn’t even spoken to her. I bought her things for my home, things to make and do, and pretty things for the bedroom. I feared how she would adjust. This lie was to continue for months. I asked friends who had children the same age for support. My daughter gave DVD’s for her, my mum was concerned, it was an awfully tragic thing to happen.
It never occurred to me, that this perfect man, was nothing but a lie, and an illusion, selling me a product that neither had nor owned, but that didn’t matter to him.
Each day, he faked this false life, and his false self, to be exactly what I wanted to see.
Why you really HAVEN’T lost the love of your life!!
I want you to understand that the Sociopath is an EMPTY person. They fill themselves up with the hopes, wishes and dreams of other people. You cannot lose what you did not have!
If you don’t believe me, you only have to see them again after they have ‘moved on’ you will see that their likes, hobbies and interests have now changed to fit in with someone else. Now they are mirroring somebody else. They BECOME who the other person wants to see!! Each time they move on, they mould and shape into somebody different. Taking up new hobbies and interests. It doesn’t matter to them, if their new hobbies and interests, are what they objected to in their last relationship. As long as they are mirroring (THEREFORE DOMINATING) somebody else, and living off of their energy (and hopefully finances too) that is all that matters. If they get a roof over their head, free rent, and free everything else, well all the better. Sociopaths know that their time might come to an end at any time, so they might as well make the most of it.
You see, all that he really was, was a mirror image of me. He was mirroring MY PAIN and the MISSING part of me, selling back to me, what I wanted. With a big gleaming smile, and kind eyes, that yelled I AM TRUSTWORTHY.
He loved to tell me what a ‘GOOD’ Person he was. He loved to guage how well his performance was doing, by saying sentences such as
So, do you really love me?
Am I the love of your life?
I have never felt the way that I do about you before, you are the love of my life!
(cough – BULLSHIT)
Let’s face it, his actions were far from good. He was a compulsive pathological liar, and a thief too.
If you are feeling like this person was the love of your life, I want to ask you the question
WHAT DID HE/SHE OFFER YOU, WHICH MAKES THEM THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE?
If I am honest when I answer that question, he was offering me – me!
He did this the whole time that I knew him. In that time, he had
- No real hobbies or interests of his own
- No friends that I met
- No closeness to his family – nobody that I met properly (considering the length of time that we were together)
I WAS HIS LIFESTYLE CHOICE!!! I WAS HIS HOBBY………. Just as his new victim, is his latest hobby.
There was NOTHING about him that was real. He was always a mirror image to me. Always doing what I wanted to do. When I thought about it, he complained about the same thing, with his last exe’s
- She was controlling
- She was psycho and mentally ruined me
- She was violent I was scared of her
- She cheated on me
- She was lazy and didn’t do housework
The only good thing I heard him say was about the mother of his child who he admitted was a good mother.
I am sure that when he was in those relationships, he wasn’t saying the above to them!
Thinking that you have LOST the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE IS JUST AN ILLUSION, that is often fed by them. They will quite happily tell you
- Nobody understands you like I do
- You have lost the love of your life, all through your silly actions and being stubborn
- You will never find somebody like me
- I am going to have a great life, with all that I have learned from you
- THANK YOU, I wish you well, have a nice life, Goodbye
Yes…. I know…. I know that it hurts like hell. After having the mirror image screened to you, for however long, the mirror that was In front of you, crashes and smashes to pieces. You feel lost. That big gaping, empty core soul wound, is now there raw, angry and unhealed.
WHAT IS LOVE?
Love, is to love without condition. It actually isn’t about how somebody else feels about you. It isn’t about what you get in return. It isn’t an investment. LOVE – love is about HOW YOU FEEL! It is what you give, not what you receive.
Maybe it is true, that you loved and gave more than you would have ever done before in your life. Why did you do that? Did you do it, because you IDENTIFIED with this person? Because you felt that CONNECTION?
Why do you think this is? You felt that connection, and identified with him, because he/she was a FRAUD and CON ARTIST!
Yes, that is what they are, con artists, fraudsters and tricksters. Empty vessels who will tell you all that you want to hear, to get exactly what they want. (they move on to do the same thing to the next person).
HOW DO YOU GET OVER THIS? THE PAIN IS SO BAD!
- The hardest step is to forgive YOURSELF. Never mind about forgiving them, this isn’t about them, this is about you! You haven’t done anything wrong, you loved and you gave. Be grateful that you CAN love (they can’t) and you will love again
- As painful as it is, the next step is to do no Contact. If you have things to say, maybe send an email and say goodbye then block him/her
- Steer clear of mutual friends, for some time until you are healed and recovered, or at least got your life back on track. Likely they will try to hang out with your mutual friends, let him/her have them. I am sure that there are people In your life, that didn’t like him/her, spend time with them. These are your TRUE friends
- Write TWO lists – in list one , write what he/she promised – or the illusion you were given, in list two write the reality and what did you gain from this?
- Write another list of ALL of your losses, then LET IT GO
- Know that you WILL heal and recover, but you have to do no contact. This person is not worth your time or effort, they have already stolen enough time.
- KNOW THAT THIS PERSON WILL NOT CHANGE!
- THEY WILL NOT BE THE PERSON YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE – AND ONCE MOVED ON, THEY WILL NEVER AGAIN BE THE PERSON THAT YOU LOVED!
You need to understand that the person that you loved, DID NOT EXIST. They CANT come back to you, as they have now morphed into someone else.
You remember believing in Santa right? How sad it was when you learned he wasn’t real? But I bet you went on to have great Christmas’s afterwards?
I am sorry that you are hurting!!!
For this, sincerely I am sorry. Did you know that heady feeling when there were good times with them, that you can experience this, just by being on your own? Were you in the Sociopaths life? Or were they just in yours? Mine was just in mine, I definitely wasn’t in his life. He didn’t have a life I wished he would get a life, but he didn’t.
Forgive yourself, and allow yourself time to heal and recover. Follow the no contact rule, and heal within. Set yourself some goals and targets to work towards, and keep busy.
I promise you the thought that the Sociopath is the love of your life, is just an illusion, it is an illusion sold by the Sociopath, and if you continue with contact they will sell you this illusion, for as long as you will buy it.
You WILL heal and recover, even if you feel you have lost everything. Believe me, if you had stayed with them you would have incurred further losses. Focus on you, and focus on your healing and recovery. Even if that means some duvet days on the sofa, watching tv, and eating icecream from a tub, or having a beer and watching football on tv, anything. Just take it SLOW, take each day one at a time.
Understand that this is addiction, caused and deliberately created by them.
Please write down ONE long term goal, and this is
Where do you want to be 18 months from now? And work towards that goal!!
You can do this, and I promise that the Sociopath is not the love of your life – unless you are a hollow empty shell too? I bet you are not!
Love yourself, you really are worth it.
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2015
76 thoughts on “When you feel that the Sociopath was the love of your life, the soulmate factor, what you really need to know!”
Another eerily accurate and expertly written piece.
Thank you so much for helping me to understand more clearly how to go through these steps of letting go of the “person” who I loved so much and for the comparison to believing in Santa Clause. It really helped me and I am planning my move away from him early next week…
Well done Amy! ! It doesn’t get better.
I thank you,this really help
Me e a lot.I have been through a nightmare
For 10 years.
He just broke up with me.
He said I was the problem.reading your article is giving me straight.
I will keep the rule,no contact whatsoever.
God Bless You.
Welcome to the site mirella.
Omg I cannot Thankyou enough, this email came at the perfect time, I was crying my heart out about this exact subject. I am in a world of shock and pain.
Sent from my iPad
Hey Irene, I can honestly say that he moves on and puts on a new mask. I thought that I knew him well. I really did. I was shocked and surprised to see how quickly he changed, donning a new mask, and took on somebody else’s persona with different hobbies and interests. At that moment, I saw just how hollow and empty he is. With nothing inside of him, just the mirror image of somebody else. it was fake. That is hard to swallow. BUT it means that he is no longer faking, duping and conning you – he is doing this to somebody else. As they just cause you loss and pain being with them, this can only be a win for you. It allows you time to heal and recover. To find yourself, and find you – but most importantly please think about what it was that he offered that was so attractive, then find those things within yourself!!!
Thank you for a wonderful and absolutely accurate article. It is spooky how the experiences of knowing a sociopath are the same – almost makes you wonder if we are not all talking about the same person! Mine died almost 3 months ago, he was an alcoholic, totally in denial, but died of alcohol poisoning. I maintained contact from a distance, but I’m glad that I had made it clear to him that he was finished with me. I wish I’d backed off completely sooner, because they never believe that you are finished unless you cut away completely. Your evaluation of behaviour is so insightful, the trouble is when you’re wrapped up in their lies it’s so hard to see the truth. They are Masters of deception because it’s their career. I’d known mine for 28 years, I left him originally because I didn’t trust him (my younger self was more realistic) over the years I forgot that. He married and moved to the USA, kept in touch with me, often tracking me down through my parents who hardly knew him. I guess he was keeping me on the boil in case I was of use to him one day. I was. Five years ago, he had to leave the US because (I found out since he died) he’d used, scammed, cheated, lied and stolen from anyone he could. He ran out of people so returned to England. He homed in on me, despite the fact that I’d had no contact with him for years. I was at a very low point in my life, depressed and exhausted. He seemed to offer all the love and joy I needed. As you rightly say, I unconsciously gave him all the information he needed, I see it all now so clearly. I threw my life into the air for him, I devastated my grown up children, I defended him. In three years he almost bankrupted me financially and emotionally. I broke free, thanks to my very strong and loving daughter. My life has been permanently scarred, but I’m free, and he is dead.
Thank you so much for showing so many people that we are not alone. Bless you for your strength and hope you give to others. I may have repeated this story many times, apologies if that is the case, but it helps so much to feel the empathy and understanding of others.
Thank you lana. It is so hard to see the truth when you are in it. What they do and how they do it is nothing but sick and twisted. I needed to go way back and read very early correspondence with a clear head to see the truth. The abuse was there from day one. He never suddenly changed. It was always a con and a scam. Alcoholics are pitiful people. I have watched a few at the end of their life. Full of regret and self pity, their body and their ability even to function their bodily functions shutting down. It’s a degrading slow death. Have a lovely day x
I can only say the hugest Thank You for this wonderful web site and the wonderful people who have contributed to it. It has literally cleared the confusion overnight, have got great comfort in realising I am far from alone, and have got off really lightly in comparison to a lot of people here.
I met him last year in July 2014 at a festival, when he was married, and I did find it a bit weird when he used to call me from home – with his wife in the same room – and be on the phone for 2 hours. This ended when I sent him a photo in a bikini top holding a beer on a boat – I don’t think I’m that attractive, and certainly do not have a big bust – it was more about the boat and the beer for me – but his wife threw the book at him. We had done absolutely nothing at this point – not even kissed.
In May this year, his wife walked out overnight leaving letters for him, the 16yrold daughter at home mid GCSE’s and the 18yroldl son round the corner.
In July he contacted me via Facebook and we started speaking on the phone around early August. From then he was on the phone for up to 2 hours a day, texting etc., wanting to spend every weekend with me ( although it meant me travelling up to him mostly – 2 hours away ) and literally seemed to worship the ground I walked on. He adored me, and I made no bones about how I adored him telling him how beautiful he was and surely someone must have said that to him before.
He was my absolute physical ideal, he cooked, his house was immaculate and I just couldn’t believe my luck. We went away camping with 4 of his close friends and his son and daughter. He drove me around, didn’t let me do anything while I was at his house – he wouldn’t even let me get my own glass of water. Finally, I have met my soul mate – and as he was saying lines such as ‘ when I met you the connection was amazing’ ‘you’re not allowed to change – I love you for you’ ‘Your energy and zest for life are amazing’, he obviously felt the same way.
A couple of weekends ago when I arrived at his place late at night *(- I was very tired but he had called in the morning, and texted afternoon and early evening to still check that I was coming) he had had a row with the 16yr old as she had agreed to babysit her niece and the 4yrold was in his house when he got home – she had not asked his permission and he blew up at her saying it was his house and she should ask his permission before allowing the 4yrold to stay the evening. The mother then came back and there was a big screaming match with her saying ‘Is your grand-daughter getting in your way’!! Anyway, everyone left that night – the 16yrold going to a freinds and we were alone – for the entire weekend. Sat night / Sun morning I had sickness and diarrhoea but it was plain on Sunday that he just wanted me out the house so he could get on with trying to see his daughters. ( they were not answering the phone ) ‘Just have a piece of toast and you’ll feel fine to drive’. I was very weak and In the end he drove me home and got the train back.
The next morning I got a text saying things weren’t great, the 16yrold would not come home, and he had spoken to them and she had said how she felt isolated being left at weekends ( which was not true ) and ignored in the evening ( when he was on the phone) . He felt so emotionally drained that he could not even speak to me or see me at weekends – ( and we had the next 4 weekends booked up – one of them being my birthday ) and please forgive me and stay friends. I phoned him quite a few times in the evening and sent quite a few texts but he would not communicate with me or answer my calls. So from all that contact over 10 weeks, lines such as ‘Where were you 30 years ago’ etc etc. he is now refusing to even speak to me or text me back. That is gut wrenching, – only made better by the stories on this website which have really helped my beyond belief and made me realise it could have been so much worse. He had asked me to move up with him next year ( after about 6 weeks ) – and I can guess who would have been paying for the lion’s share of the property.
I can only say to anyone reading this, take things slowly, don’t throw yourself in, get into bed too quickly or make him the centre of your life – and as the old saying goes – ‘If it seems too good to be true – it probably is’. I hope this helps someone as so many people here have helped me.
As always, you are very thorough and understanding of all that has happened. I cannot thank you enough for healing me. Thank God you started this site when you did in 2013. It was exactly when I needed you. I’m 100% healed now. Sure there’s fleeting moments of MEMORIES of how I USED TO feel. That’s it. Thank you Positivagirl! Xx
Yay!!! It’s so true isn’t it. I think even when I was writing in 2013 I was blind or kidding myself.
I needed to see the proof and the evidence for myself. It really is quite sick what they do.
Who would fake a little girl for a mother of a dead little girl… only a psycho. They are beyond sick.
So pleased to hear you are doing well bunny! !
Best article ever!!!! I so needed this tonight. My ex sp has a new gf ( weeks after saying goodbye to.our 4.5 yr rship).
The thing is I can’t seem to leave him alone! I’m constantly seeking his approval or a text where he sounds happy with me,
This is killing me!!!
SLAA might help you.( Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous ) Doesn’t mean you’re a nymphomaniac!! It’s a group meeting which can really help – meeting people in a similar situation. Google it as soon as you read this.
I want to stay friends with him :(( why????
You are seeking the high and the feel good factor. He doesnt have anything that is not within you..it hurts you as right now he is mirroring somebody else. Not you. Get ready. Go to the mirror and take a deep look at the beauty of you. Please don’t see this as rejection of you. You are whole within. It is time to bring back focus to you. To love you. It was 4.5 years. You need to grieve. Look how quickly he moved onto someone new. She doesn’t have anything you don’t have. She has nothing either he Is just mirroring her. Taking all her attention for his own ego and gain. Start small. Take it one day at a time. You can do this. Make today day one.
Think of it like giving up an addiction. All addictions are tough to break this is no different.
Well it has been a very long time so is understandably quite a wrench.
Why do you need approval from this Git?
Just be kind to yourself and go o SLAA meetings –
you will be amazed I assure you
The Salesman without the product. Oh how I love this description of a narcopath. I have been in sales for over 25 years and this resonated with me in a huge way! A salesman without a product is nothing! You have nothing! This is exactly what they are! Thank you for this analogy. It is so true. And they are all cut from the same shallow, evil cloth, aren’t they?
so good @positivagirl i swear you so perfectly word things we all feel but can’t quite grasp or articulate to speak. so much gratitude for everything you share here. ❤
I have been with this man for 19 years minus 4 years I left him and rented an apartment on my own after I was assaulted by him. I took him to court on a domestic violence issue and was granted to live in the house which was in his name but I contributed to the mortgage and all the other expenses. And of course he was cheating on me and when I found out, it led to the huge argument and assault. I won my case in court and we were not to contact each other. We didn’t for 2 years and then one day he approached me and we began to slowly rekindle our relationship. Two yeas of that he asked me to move back in and of course it was to help with the bills, etc. I caved and moved back in with my granddaughter who I had legal custody of and she was 13 years old at the time. Well, it’s been 2 years since I moved back in and he has shown signs of past behavior and has cheated again. This time, he isn’t going to have me and he hasn’t. He has moved his introvert sister in the mix and her and I do not get along. Of course she can do no wrong. I have told him that this is the end of the line. I put myself on strike as far as washing his cloths and cooking specifically when he returns home from work and cook when I feel like it. I continue to clean the house because my granddaughter and I still live there. I have almost completely shut down. It’s been awful. But I have a 2 year plan to save up as much money as possible and relocate thousands of miles away.. the hardest part is that I still liv here up until that time. He is pleading for me to stay and sometimes he responds that I’m not going anywhere and then gets indignant and blames me for all the negativity in our so called relationship. I have to be honest, it is disturbing and sometimes I think am I seeing things in the correct manner, but in my heart I am positive that he is a sociopath.
i just found out he’s spent thousands on “relationships” with girls on interactive porn sites; visiting prostitutes; sending money to “girlfriends” in the Philippines…how could I be so blind and why am I having such a hard time stopping myself from comparing myself to the prostitutes on the porn sites?
They do this deliberately, to damage your self esteem, this keeps you bound and tied to them. Making them think that they are above who they are.
Really he is the one with damaged low self esteem this is why he has to ‘pay’ for others. Its about attention, the more of it he gets the better it is for him.
You are putting yourself down, because you think that you are not enough. You are enough, he has an addiction, and once that starts you cant stop it…. it won’t get better it will only get worse. He has sank into his world of sex and addiction, like he is in league with the devil himself 😦
Thank you for a life saving site. I only found your writings about a month ago, but just in time to figure out a new sociopath trying to make his way into my life. I left one in June 2008 and remained single since then as it was just too traumatic for me to even consider a new relationship. (found him on a dating site). I have written part of my story on one of your archive posts, the second one from the bottom, relating to dating sites, but not sure if you have seen.
Not sure if I should have posted on a more recent post. I have now changed my email address and name.
I decided to start having a look around on another dating site , also about a month ago. Woe and behold ! As soon as he started mirroring me I almost gagged. My anxiety levels are worse than I thought, a reminder of my last sociopath. I keep coming here to remind myself of the traits of these monsters so that I will not be taken in again.
I must be truthful here, and say, I am toying with him on the dating site presently. I have not given him any details except my first name. It galls me to see how stupid they really are. Once the public have been made aware of their revolting tactics, then they are so exposed and open to ridicule right on back at themselves. I cannot seem to help myself fooling them like I was fooled way back. Revenge is sweet sometimes. I obviously have still not healed. Oley Moley, it is now 7 years after the first one, and I am stilled damaged emotionally.
Hey Barbara, you know that they love to hang out on dating sites. This is a text message I had from my ex on Saturday He is in a new relationship, but is still using dating websites! This was his message…..
Lot has changed since I moved here, I have a problem I think as I cant actually stay loyal for anymore for longer than a day. I don’t know why as I think I have some kind of addiction to not caring about peoples feelings regarding relationships as I just don’t want to be with anyone. But I am monogamous and I am addicted to dating sites. I don’t know why.
As you can see the contradiction in that message, he cant stay loyal, but is monogamous and is addicted to dating sites, but is in a relationship. If that isn’t crazy ….. to me its crazy.
I have also played with my SP on dating sites. Asked him to meet amd never turn up, or get him to send a photo amd say he’s not good lookimg at all. This is all while ww were together’!!! Hed say goodnight to.me on text as he was soooo tired and then sit up till all hours talking to ‘me’ on dating sites!!
I have to break my addiction to him
Haha that is bad….. I did it to another narc ex, I sent him a text, and said that I had got his number from a friend, his narc ego bought into it. He was hopping mad when he knew it was me. I was so tempted to get him to meet up with me, then either a) not show up or b) be sat there, In the location …. but I just didn’t have the heart. WELL DONE for day one. Manage this now in bite size chunks. I will be here and pick up messages. See this as an addiction, like quitting smoking. You will be amazed how quickly you will start to feel better.
Joelene, I did this to my cheating psychopath ex that stayed on dating websites too. I set up fake accounts with all sorts of different types of women, and I would make their personalities either ghetto, snobby, uneducated, or very sexual and no matter what they looked like or acted like, he always would beg these fake women to date him and meet that night. So I would set up fake dates and he would cancel real plans with me only to be stood up. It makes us feel a little better about how they treated us. Lol. I found out in November that he had about ten women he was seeing at the same time as me and he had begged me to get pregnant with him and marry him. He told me I was the only woman he had ever really loved. Then when the other lady contacted me on fb she said he told her all the same things and that when she confronted him about me he said I was a crazy obsessed ex that wouldn’t leave him alone after he had tried to leave me a lot of times. None of this was true, I had a gut instinct it was all a lie and game for him because his words never matched his actions. So I had tried to walk away a million times and he would come to my apartment and bang on my door til I opened it. He recycled me for 3 1/2 years before he was caught. Also since I found out in early December I’ve had no contact and keep him blocked on everything. He did make a fake fb account two weeks ago and wrote me and I blocked that too. He also gaslighted me non stop. 😞
Day 1 nc
Woohoo joelene, remember 60 day challenge. Place the date in your diary. By the time you get there you might feel differently!! 🙂
Hello, thank you for your wonderful posts because they’ve helped me immensely. It’s been about 1.5 years NC and yet I’m still not over him and haven’t completely let go. I know he is with the person I suspected he was pursuing, not while ‘together,’ but while he was telling me that he loved me, had changed, and wanted to fix our relationship. I have times where I am ok and have clarity about who and what he is but…lately I’ve reverted to what-if this, being hurt by how happy he looks with her and his daughter, even envious of what she has and how great she must be because he’s with her and they’re making it work and I just couldn’t. It’s a constant battle between what I know and how he was with me and what I think and how great he must be with her. He lied to me in a huge way from the beginning of our relationship and I never got over it or completely trusted him after that, whereas I know she is not dealing with that lie and he’s been honest with her in that regard. Why do I think that the person who spit on me, hit me, lied to me and called me horrible names has learned from his mistakes and has changed with her? Why can’t I shake the feeling that she’s getting what I wanted and that she’s somehow better that’s why he’s with her and isn’t doing the things he had done to me? Is it normal to take two steps forward and then one back? He’s moved on and is happy and I haven’t.
Hi what makes you think he hasn’t lied to her from the beginning? I know for sure my ex is with someone and he is lying to her. From beginning. Only difference is she is blind to the lie. Whereas you spent the time you were together not trusting she trusts…. therefore can be fully manipulated and controlled. This is if he is a sociopath. They cannot change. The same patterns always repeat. I had often felt sad why had he ruined everything with such lies? There was no need as I really loved him. He did to control me. Because love to them is not about love it’s about power control and dominance bonds 😦
Hello and thank you for your response. He lied to me about being married and having children. He told me that he never told me because he knew I would have a problem with him and he had feelings for me and wanted to see where it could go. I never got over it and couldn’t trust him after that. He told me that his relationship was done but that he didn’t have the finances to move out. I refused to move into a place with him and live together. I told him I wouldn’t do any such thing until he was divorced and wouldn’t introduce him to my family (who all hated him by that point) until he was divorced and had his situation figured out. He told me I wasn’t there for him and was a selfish (fill in the blank with expletives).He didn’t lie to her. She knew he was separated and had children and I know has been with him until his divorce was finalized. Essentially, she’s done all the things I didn’t do-moved in with him, introduced him to her family, met his family etc. I keep thinking that he’s changed and learned from his mistakes with me. I feel like she’s one the prize and has a new and improved him with all the good.
This is exactly the situation I fear as well. What if he doesn’t lie to the new gf? SDhe will be able to be the woman she was at the start because he doesn’t undermine her with lies and confusion. Then he will have the partner he wanted, and it couldn’t be me because he ruined me during the rship!!
What if he stays faithful to her?? When he couldn’t with me! Is it because shes better than me, more alluring, higher value, does he really love her but never loved me!!!
Im trying to think how to out-think these thoughts. I guess I rely on statements like ‘leopards never change their spots’ and that he is a SP and that is a mental instability – he cant just become ‘healthy and normal’.
I also know he wasn’t affectionate and gets moody and distant with me (and his ex wife). If the new gf can put up with that – then she’s simply different to me – not better – just different! I don’t have the nervous disposition to put up with that sort of hot/cold behaviour.
Part of me also tries to think that he is a human being and deserves happiness (wjatever that means for him) and if he finds it with someone else- shouldn’t a part of me be generous and be pleased for him?
At the end of the day being with him caused me 18mths of living in a lie and then 3 years of absolute torment and anxiety. I was becoming mentally unstable (anxious, obsessive, crashing self-esteem, tolerating destructive and abusive behaviour) and now I can try to heal!!
As positive-girl says ; if someone else wants to board that train I guess good for the them. Im pretty sure it will crash again up the track- but this time Im no longer hurtling along to my doom!
Joelene & Annabelle, i wanna hug you both. ❤ that heartbreaking loop of thoughts is so so painful and one of the hardest parts to get through. but those thoughts are just a mix of fear, of not knowing your worth yet, and of things you believe because of all of the times you were triangulated, put down, and treated without out love. no matter how much of a show they put on, the person you dream of isn't there in that illusion you're watching play out.
when it comes to sociopaths, or people in general who are harmful in relationships, they don't stay where there is love, they stay where people around them put up with not being loved. they don't stay in connections that inspire them to create beauty, they stay in connections that allow them to act out pain. they are not loving that new person, they are being barrier to love in that person's life. so as much as fear tries to mess with your heart and head, know that what you will leave behind as you let them go…you're not missing anything you ever wanted, you're being set free to go find it.
@positivagirl, by creating this site, you have created awareness to those feeling lost, abused, dizzy from BS that spaths dish out. To me, that is the ultimate revenge. By helping victims, the power is removed from the spath clan. Here’s to hoping their supply pool dries up and they all shrivel up and die !
I doubt their supply will ever run out, as always there will be someone looking for someone else, to help fulfil their dreams. Not realising that their dreams lie within them. The trap comes, when the Sociopath steals those dreams, and then tries to sell those dreams back, as if they have a product to sell. Victims are then left bereft, losing not only the person they loved, but also somebody who they thought shared their dreams. The longing is the longing for the dream. As long as there are people who are looking for someone else to find the happy within, there will always be Sociopath victims x
I am in a situation where I am forced to spend at least 6 hours a day with the sociopath and recently, the sociopath has changed their personality to extremely loud and confident. Nothing at all like they were before with me. It is hard to witness this but I just ignore it. What is very hard at the moment,is dealing with the difficult situations they put me in. To show me that they are different now and everything i wanted them to be before. They make it look like It was my fault that they weren’t like this, and the people love the sociopath, people who were mutual friends but closer to me, actually seem to be closer to the sociopath now compared to me. I feel as if my life is spiralling out of control, which is exactly what the sociopath wants! How do i cope?! Please help!! 😦
Hey, I am JUST working on a post, with evidence and chat logs, between me, the ex, and the sociopath from 2012, I WAS you, it might take me the rest of today to get together. I hope that it helps you!!
THE ONLY WAY TO COPE IS TO REMOVE YOURSELF!!! I promise you, this will NOT get better. This is me in 2015 and he is STILL now today spreading lies about me, which are the SAME lies he said about his ex – years before. HE IS A PSYCHOPATH, this will NOT get better. I repeat it will NOT get better. What you describe. I have been there, look up ruining smear campaigns and third party abuse, click through the posts here about third party abuse. Find my facebook page at the bottom of this page, I have recently posted posts there about triangulation. this is what he is doing and sicker DELIBERATELY!!!! You really need to know this. He is trying to destroy you and your life.
Amen to THAT. Removing oneself completely is truly the *ONLY* way because they are ALWAYS angling and protecting their egos.
And 2 of the biggest lessons I learned… I’ll quote you: “You cannot lose what you did not have” – and – “Understand that this is addiction, caused and deliberately created by them.”
Truer words were never spoken.
Fantastic Article. Makes complete sense. You really helped to explain the reason I was feeling like I lost the love of my life. Thank you.
I cannot thank you enough for creating this site and opening my eyes to the real game of these emotionless sadistic leeches. I have been involved with my soco for 33 years and married for 24 & still am. This is all new to me. What a hell of a life I’ve had with this man. I have 2 daughters 22 & 20 (I think the older one is a soco as well, very dramatic & manipulative like him, they fight a lot). My family is in constant hell & all these years I have wasted trying to fix him. He has hidden behind mental illness labels like anxiety, ocd, depression, fooled a whole lifetime of mental health pro’s until one recently that took me aside & told me he’s a sociopath. 2 other pro’s have agreed so far. He’s angry about being exposed as a monster & not a helpless victim of a man. I didn’t know what a sociopath was. I feel stupid, had, used but am told by these professionals I am the strongest abused woman they have ever come across. I have been controlled, manipulated, emotionally & physically abused since I met him at 15. He is a liar, a cheater, he is a mental cheater and blames me for everything. He screams abuse so neighbours hear accusations that I am not, that he can’t cope etc etc. In reality I have been reduced to a nothing. I gave up my job 5 yrs ago & can’t get back in the workforce, my independence, my life is to care for them all, I have no money, my car is barely roadworthy. My youngest daughter who is a recluse won’t leave the house. He can’t wait to walk out the door & hang his “legacy” around my neck & watch me drown with all these problems (physical & mental) whilst he continues to chase his next victims & plan his next cruise/holiday. I look back now & I now believe before we married he would purposely plan a break-up (many) so he could go do his own thing whenever he wanted for months at a time & screw as many as he could & then profess how much he loves me, how special I am, what a load of crock. Most of you here are lucky you have only had a short time of abuse. If only I knew this stuff decades ago but I will not stay broken. I will fight to the death.
Hey also look at my Facebook page (link at the bottom) I put posts about trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome 33 years is a long time. He was around my life four years. It has really messed with my mind. It can damage your sense of reality and perception.
There are so many people out there who behave like this. they thrive in this society. Today I met an acquaintance for coffee. She was only there to gain information from me. She didn’t get the ones she wanted, as I deflected her, but it still put a strain on me. I am sitting in front of my computer now, feeling sad, and I don’t know why.
But I am not said, I am drained. Or tired from having to put up defences.
When I broke up with the sociopath I realized how tired I was and it dawned on me (during the relationship I had been oblivious to it) that we had been putting up a silent fight the whole time. I had managed to resist him, but who knows what would have happened, had I stayed with him.
So I believe that now I have no energies left, I immediately get to the bottom of my supply whenever I deal with socios or bordelrine socios or narcissists or manipulative people. On one hand it’s good: they don’t fool me anymore. On the other it’s exhausting, and it feels like I can never truly relax around people. fortunately I do have a couple of real, close friends, and with them nothing of this happens.
Im….. In shock. I thought it was only me that experienced this. I have recently left my boyfriend of 6 years. It started after i misscarried to a previous partner who had left me. He jumped in and i have never felt so loved and cherished. I found out later that he was cheating the entire time, lying constantly, and promicing the world making me feel like a queen when in reality he had no job, contributed nothing, moved in with his kids (who i love) and drank all the time, and made me feel guilty for questioning him. Anyway there is so much more. We have broken up hundreds of times and i truely felt he was my soul mate. I had resigned to the fact that i would never love like that again. I feel like i have been kicked in the chest, its sometimes so painful i can hardly breathe. I know he lies, its compulsive. hes an alcoholic, and now i understand he is a sociopath. Thank you for telling me he is not my soul mate because untill reading this……. I thought he was.
Hi again Positiva! I have just seen your comment now and It makes me a bit worried! I cannot remove myself from the situation as that would mean leaving college which i cannot afford to do! I am stuck in this situation for at least the next two years. My ex does not spread any lies about me but is just covertly indicating that I am the reason they weren’t such a “fun” “bubbly” person before. They also just shove their new victim in my face all the time and show me how much better they’re doing without me. I have visited the facebook page but cannot find a post on triangulation. Could you maybe please post it here? I really do need to be informed about this as I was very confused with the behaviour. I wasn’t sure if this is them being real or if it’s all an act to get back to me. If sociopaths don’t care about us, why do they want to hurt us further even after they have left? Please help again!
So.my sp dumped me after 5 years. Dumped me 6 weeks ago, announces new gf 2 weeks later and today announces they are pregnant with a girl.
So would we all agree hes known.for a few mths.I just hit rock bottom.
Im a mess tonight. So you know my story – 4 yr affair, saw him every single day, (EVERY DAY!) Found out massive lies- name, family, work commitments, divorce, settlement, found him cheating online…. you name it. So he dropped me 6 weeks ago and Ive been trying to deal with it. Badly. Break NC most days but have got to 2 days. (wow how great (not!)
Anyway you may recall I thought he was cheating on me in the end. I found out he went on a date while I was awy 8 weeks ago, and he was taking secret phone calls, hiding phone etc.
Well today I find out he is having a baby. 3 mths pregnant.
I spoke with him today (pretext of something else) to see if he said anything. And not a word!!!!! Hes moving her intio his home (the home I made fckg curtains for!!!) and having a baby! Apparently hes mortified (hes 45 and I know a baby was something he never wanted as he already pays child support) but still!!!!!!
Explains why I was dropped!
Wonderful piece and spot on article! The chord that struck me right to my core was the part stating ‘…seeing them move on and noting how their interests and hobbies have changed to fit and mirror the new person they are with…’ This is a perfect description. I thought I was going insane to see that insult to humanity I wasted the carbon-monoxide from my breath on go from a bible-toting, faux “meek/shy”, “sweet”, considerate, well mannered guy, to robbing innocent people at gun-point with this wreck of a woman he met (and thus deserved) only to come back to me and state he should have stayed with me when his raggedy life with her produced sewer rats, despair, and doom. This guy tried his best to break me in half and he won a few sorry raggedy battles I let him engage me in, but what he failed to realize was I don’t admire ruthlessness. I admire love. And the pain he caused in me taught me to appreciate it even more from the next person and to not feel bad about being disgusted by the very thought of him. He thinks the way I operates makes me a “weak” person for leading a calm life, but yet, he is so downtrodden, he can barely afford tissue paper in his bathroom to wipe his behind. He’s like an unlucky leprechaun. It was like I was in the twilight zone to watch him turn into this really ill say evil person years ago. All I could think was “…who is this…I don’t understand what is happening and what he is saying…this can’t be him…he must be on drugs” And I didn’t believe for the longest time he was the monster he hid from me so well until he forced me to look at his ugly soul for exactly what it was. Partly because I asked for it so he showed me. I suffered greatly. but I got the truth and that was a gift he intended not to give. These people are garbage pail kids. Walking zombies. Once the fog of dismay, confusion, and sadness lifts, trust my statement, I was right there two years ago, you will never-ever want anyone that damaged, vacuous, empty, and disgusting around you again. I spot these lesions of the human race from a mile way when their mask cracks and slips. They are viruses of the human soul, they replicate, destroy, and need a host. I hope one day there will be a cure. It is freeing and empowering to put up a shield to know who you are protecting yourself against. I thank people now I meet in my heart for showing me early on their callous character traits before I trust them as it gives me a heads up and saves precious time in my life as I let them move on. Don’t let these people erode your humanity. your love that you give to the next person is an invaluable gift their dead eyes need not ever deserve to come in contact with ever again.
Wow I needed to read that today. I cant believe that he turned from this loving man who adored me, to someone who cheated and then dropped me like a bomb when one his fb’s became pregnant. Now Im an outcast and he wont respond to me at all.
Excellent post. It is eerie how so many people can tell their story that sounds like they were living your relationship. It is so identical.
These sociopaths and narcissists are so much the same. But when it is your first experience with them…or when it is before you have ever heard the word “narcissist” , outside of mythology, then you can not possibly see the evil that is sleeping right in your bed.
It is very frightening afterwards when you realize how sick and evil they were.
I just now realize that my recent ex is a charismatic sociopath. He’s very handsome, charming, charismatic, and outspoken. He’s 11 years older than me and I thought I can have a “mature” relationship. I thought this guy is THE GUY I’m supposed to be with. I was attracted to him immediately and was swept off my feet. Within a week of dating, he told me he’s starting to fall in love with me. He has a lot of sex drive, and I was all going with the flow. (He would use this against me later on, telling me and others that I have a lot of sex drive, because I would always be down. That I’m a good at sex, which means that I have a lot of experience.) We moved in together within a month!
I told him I’ve never fallen in love before and that he’s the first guy I’ve ever fallen in love with. Very early in the relationship, he started telling me about how his ex-wife cheated on him and how his ex-gf was a nymphomaniac and always sexually attracting other men (and women). He asked me to start cutting off communication with guy friends. He then started to accuse me of staring at other guys, cheating, sexting, and cybersexing. He told me he knew exactly what I was doing, because he has done them before. He confronted like 3 guys who he thought I was cheating with. He accused me of lying every time I try to defend myself. I started to get really confused with the constant gaslighting.
When I started to tell my friends what was happening, he accused me of lying and not telling them the truth. He said I need to see a sex therapist, because I have a sexual dysfunction. I remember one time he got mad at me when I tried adding and talking to his friends on fb. He would tell me that I can only add his family, but not his friends.
At this point, I knew he’s projecting his own experience towards me. I knew he was mentally and verbally abusive, but I was already in love. I thought I could prove myself to him that there was nothing to worry about. I was also pretty isolated at this point.
We got really religious and things got a little better. But then he started using my faith against me. He told me that God isn’t listening or answering my prayers, because I haven’t “truly” confessed and repented for the sins that I have done against him. He kept telling me that I didn’t love him and I won’t be able to love anyone (He’s using against me what I told him earlier that I’ve never fallen in love before). He told me that I’m still lying to my friends and haven’t told them the truth. He told me that I need to get deliverance, because he thinks that I have the spirit of Jezebel in me. He says that sometimes, he would see a face in me that’s completely different.
Oh, I also found out that he installed a hidden camera in my room. He kept telling me he has evidence of what it is exactly that I’m doing. He told me he saw me masturbating in front of my computer listening to metal music. First of all, I have never ever cybersexed, sexted, or cheated in my entire life and would never think of doing that. I have no idea where he gets these “ideas” or “visions” from. Second, I don’t listen to metal music. This is what bogs my mind. He keeps saying he saw me doing this and that in the video, which I have never done. I think he’s delusional. He told me that he thought I was cheating on him that’s why he put the camera there.
Anyway, I walked out one time when he was starting an argument. I tried calling him back afterwards, but he blocked me and has never contacted me since. I am actually grateful to him for doing that, otherwise I would be back in that toxic relationship.
This website has really helped me a lot and my eyes have been opened. I’m still healing from all the mental, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. I feel so much better. All in know is that he’s been really religious and I don’t know if that will help him or not, but I’m praying God will help him.
Thank you for putting this site together. I have more of an immediate issue pressing at this time that has to do with someone I’ve been dating now for about 7 months. I have been researching sociopaths and he really fits the description spot on. A lot has happened in the last few days. He was arrested and charged with some horrible charges. I started questioning everything. Mostly him, but also myself. How could I be so blind? So stupid? I know from reading a little on this site that many of you know what I am currently going through. The problem is, it’s not over. I feel like my life is exploding and I can’t stop it. I have started to have panic attacks and started to shake when I get stressed thinking about everything. On top of a very abrupt halt in my life, I am slowly realizing how many warning signs and red flags there have been in the last 7 months and it’s making me feel worthless, ignorant, blind, stupid, naïve…so many things. I feel like everything is my fault. I let this person into my life and the life of those I love and would never want to endanger. And that’s exactly what happened.
He is in jail, held without bond right now for at least a month. He calls me every night and I am afraid of breaking up with him. On top of dealing with all of those issues, my apartment complex called and evicted my roommate and I because I let him live with us without them knowing – violating my lease. The apartment person was right – this is my fault. I put people in harm’s way. I am responsible for what happened. This thought hurts me so deep. I can barely think about it. I wish I could chalk this up to being manipulated but I feel so responsible. I am not a sociopath and should have felt a bad feeling or KNOWN. Why didn’t I know?
I really need help and direction on what to do in these situations. I am frantically looking for a new apartment, hoping we can move before anything legal is filed and I am blacklisted from renting. What would I do? Can they do that? I know I can’t continue to have any sort of relationship with him but what should I do when he calls? He wants to just tell me everything will be fine and it will go back to “normal” and we will live happily every after. I just start crying because I know that’s not true and I don’t know if he even realizes it. I feel bad for him. I always have. The stories he told of his life made me feel as though he was never loved but still deserves it? I’ve always been taught that EVERYONE deserves love. That is why I feel like the worst person alive right now. I knew he had a minor previous issue with the law. I did not know the whole story. Not even close. I figured no one should be shunned for one mistake…How can I end this and not be afraid of retribution or him hurting himself (which I have personally seen happen)? Should I get legal advice from a lawyer or file something to protect myself? Please help me. I really need to know how to emotionally and practically get through this. I am desperate.
You definitely need a well thought out exit stradegy. One that you will stick to.
This starts with replacing him emotionally.
You have to prepare for that.
You may also need a support group for dependency issues and emotional abuse. You would be incredibly wise to seek emotional support immediately.
I’ve been in your place, was a pushover with a Nightingale complex, like you, and went back and back and back… wasting 13 years of my life being completely miserable, collecting PTSD.
You’ll end up stuck in that hell for years if you don’t cut the cord ASAP.
I can give you more detailed tips later.
Reaching out and being honest with friends and family is a good start. Stop covering for him.
It’s time to be honest with yourself and the people who love you.
Hello miagataaa, thank you for your comment. I agree. Could you give me any information on where or how to find a support group? I have been talking to a therapist but I won’t be able to afford it. You said you could give me details? I’m afraid of hurting him by leaving him and that since he can’t feel he might retaliate? I know that sounds paranoid but I am right now.
Please let me know any resources that can help. thank you again for the emotional support, it makes me feel less lonely.
Day 62 of NC with my whackadoodle, except for blocking the new email addresses and phone numbers he comes up with.
Every day that he breathes, is a day he hurts someone.
Excellently written piece of work positivagirl. You nailed it. Your website is precious to me. Your “18 signs” is what I found first, then I found evidence of multiple women from snooping in his stuff, and the puzzle pieces all started falling into place. Those rapid fire “aha” moments where the times and places and words and actions finally make chronological sense to me.
Never again will whackadoodle be able to swoop in like a rabid vulture and slink away like a slithering snake in my life. He wasted precious time, but I outsmarted him. I win, he loses. I have control now, and he has nothing.
Day 62 of no contact with my whackadoodle, except for blocking the many email addresses and phone numbers he comes up with.
Every day he breathes, is a day he hurts someone.
Never again will he get to swoop in like a rabid vulture and slink away like a slithering snake. Never again will I feel I was spit out of a violent tornado landing on my ass wondering what the hell just happened to me.
This was an expertly written piece positivagirl. Your blog is precious to me. I first found your “18 signs”, then I snooped in his stuff and found the proof I needed of the multiple women and the evilness, then gave him the boot.
I outsmarted him. I win, he loses. I have control now, he has nothing.
My will in protecting me and mine far outweighs his will to destroy me. I am stronger than him.
Love always wins.
Congratulations for 62 days sociopath free living!! 🙂
Your story is similar to mine. How did you outsmart him?
Joelene, I used a voice-activated recorder while I was at work, and snooping in the whackadoodle’s stuff as soon as he left to “go to the store” (ie…talk to another woman). Methodically and thoroughly. I kind of had to act like him as this is out of my character. I think having that blast of truth slammed into my face helped me. Now I know. Now I know what he is and what I’m dealing with. Getting that proof is what I needed to finally make the move to break free. He wasted my time and I’m pissed. There is lots more to say but I’m being careful right now. 🙂
And the more I research about sociopaths the more I realize all the stories are the same. They are warped silly evil people. Like a broken record. And all in the name of hurt and hate. I liken it to constantly living in a soap opera. Over the top lies and stories and constant drama. Most of these 63 days of NC I’ve spent sleeping when I can…I was just so exhausted with all the chaos.
Yes!! Spot on again!! The ONLY way I could know exactly who I was dealing with as well was to act out of my character as you stated and snoop and find out a LOT of lies. It’s funny how all of our experiences on this site are so similar. It’s mind-boggling, but I’m glad people like this are being exposed. The human error that was my sociopath I had the dreadful karma of engaging, I discovered was unfortunately a pimp. I feel undeserved secondhand embarrassment just typing that sentence. Yes ladies and gentlemen, he took his horror of humanity nationwide. His life is a Circus of mistakes complete with Sideshow terror. The rage he wailed against me when I outed him was the nail on the coffin when I discovered the truth. I mean he attenpted to emotionally murder me for showing him HIS own acts he thought he was getting away with and keeping a secret. It took a massive transformation within myself to recover and align myself. And then I politely put the love I had from my heart right back in myself to save for someone who deserves it. Last I heard he was stealing clothes from Walmart and sleeping in his truck. He came to me with crocodile tears, one eyeball dropping tears while the other eyeball was watching for my reaction as he asked if he could sleep at my place because he was homeless predatorily crying and sobbing about how hard life is as he ran out of options using everyone up. He’s like a Warner Bros cartoon. I hung up on him, blocked his number, and subsequently treated myself to a wonderful steakhouse dinner knowing he spent the last of his money on drugs and had no place to go and actually thought I was going to let him shower and sleep at my place. He’s an Adult toddler,l. He’s no longer the love of my life, but now a dummy I choose not to engage that I refuse to cause me further harm. As far as I’m concerned all these scumbags deserve to get back what they put out. I feel horrible for people who have been through the same experience and lost and invested a lot in people like this. It makes me sick and so angry. And the sad thing about these low life’s we’ve all encountered, is that what we discovered about their lives only scratches the surface to their darkness. There’s a lot more and if just want you find makes you sick imagine the feeling of knowing everything about them. Humanity is truly at war in this era and unfortunately I think our experiences represent the battlefield. I do think however, believe this site provides an oasis from the fight and suffering. Thank you positivagirl!!
I had to do some pretty thorough digging too actually. I felt bad doing it but it was what helped me really see that i wasn’t mad,.that my feelings of unease about so many things was spot on!!! He was on 4 separate dating sites, was actively dressed up and dating when I wasn’t in town (he never dressed up aNd after our first year together – when i was taken to a few nice places- after that it was a cafe which was a step up (barely) from McDonald’s)
Most important i found out that his surname was fake (2 years if saying most days ‘i love you John smith’, only to find out (by digging) that it was John Brown. I accepted his.lie (that he never knew how to tell me the truth after a few weeks and knew I’d leave). So i stayed.
2 yrs later again I find out (by chance) that his name wasn’t John!!!! God I was mortified, angry,.crushed…. And pretended I didn’t know so he wouldnt be embarrassed and leave!!! Wtf
Eventually I told him I always knew and it never bothered me – so i lied to cover his lies!!!
Then there were a few weeks of total crap where he treated me like I was sht. Then he said he needed to be alone but please don’t give up.
So i accepted it and have tried to be dignified. 4 weeks later I find out he has a new gf, who he tells people hes.in.love with and she’s 3 mths pregnant
Oh and did I forget to say that i can’t seem to stay nc. He wants me to.leave him alone!! And I can’t!!!
I go 3 days max
Anyway that’s my story and I’m ashamed. Nearly 5 years of lies, teasing me, cold words after an initial period of intense love and happiness.
I’m getting better but I love this site!!!!
It’s the definition. It’s not your fault. Sociopaths create this addiction on purpose. Breaking NC is the definition. It’s all part of the game. Some of us (like me) have done this multiple times. It’s not your fault. It’s the definition.
I’m trying to see it like this. If I break NC, he will get a raging hard-on and will proceed to stick it in the woman of the day. It feeds them. I have cut the food off. Now, I have my own “hard-on” when I wake up each morning. I’m in control now. My futue is bright. I’m all tingly. 🙂
My best advice is for you to go do something BIG. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. Enlist friends, family, or go it alone. I’ve done this before and it was huge. It was the best day of my life. It was symbolic of moving on. I was going forward and very happy. Then I got hoovered again. I’m planning my own something big.
And I think the first order of business is to go get a big steakhouse dinner! LOL!! I loved that AtPeace. I laughed hysterically. 🙂
I love this :))
You do lose the “love of your life” but in a different way than is normally perceived you “lose” the “love of your own life” as they take that from you & replace it with lies & their own emptiness,absorbing your own dreams~shattering them & throwing back the ruins of them at you,that’s the hardest thing to cope with,what was all of our hopes & dreams,the brightest part of what was inside us, sullied trampled on & worthless,they use our inner selves against us
That’s how I see it. Thst i was walking.on eggshells and living in total angst listening to his lies all.the time
It’s hard.but.there are so many good things (just glimpses) without thst feeling over youb
I really thought I was reading about the person I have just parted company with. Everything I am reading here is him. Which is why I read and read as I thought people were talking about the same man. Had we all been dating the same person?
No friends I’d ever met, little family contact, took me over a year to get to meet his family, comes into my life rapidly when I needed help, lured in, with I love yous and flowers, then when my intuition sets in, it’s me who is insecure and paranoid apparently. Something didn’t feel right, but I thought it was me. I continually told my friends it was me, though they had other ideas.
Even the part about how the ex was untidy, controlling etc etc, he said all that, the bit about his sons mother in your article, he said all that. The soul mate, he said that, love of my life, I thought he was.
Breaking down my wall I had up,when we first me, he did that.
Long story short, I uncovered the truth just before Christmas, totally by mistake, I thought I was being paranoid again, but I wasn’t, I found out. Then the man who never said a bad word to me in over three years turned on me.
So many promises broken. I feel so foolish. I still don’t know the full truth as in order to cover up the lies he told, he told more.
There should be a name and shame of these people to warn others, as I know he will do this again.
I’m so sad right now and just don’t know how to move forwards. 😦
Hi little miss sunshine. I am sorry you are hurting right now. Learning the truth can be a shocking process. I know that i struggled with the truth and wanted it to be not true. That would have been easy. When you are in love with someone it can be tough to accept that this person has manipulated and controlled you for their own ends.
Stay strong and take one day at a time. Stick to no contact. Keep moving forward. I am about to publish some posts about how i healed and recovered.
You have survived relationship with him you can heal and fully recover from him too.
I look forward to reading your article. It feels like a dearth. Someone has died who I never got to say goodbye to. Does that make sense?
Not sure if my original comment posted. Not writing it all again just now, but just to say, I thought I was reading about the exact person I have just parted company from. 99% of what the article speaks of is like I’m reading about him. This one has left me broken, totally broken.
Wow…..I thought only I went thru this,that anything is wrong with me.I paid a heavy price for my involvement with the vulture.
No it wasn’t just you, many of us, including me had our lives turned upside down by these psychopathic loons 😦
It would be great if my sociopath wasn’t the one, then I could just move on. I have delt with other mentally disordered men in my life. And when I look back I thank goodness I’m no longer with them. But the difference with him is that I initiated the relationship, and things are very different with him. I see through him. I know when he is lying, I knew from the very first date, the first lie. That he was being dishonest. I knew when he started seeing someone else, I also knew he was using her and that the relationship would end. I even predicted when it would end and was right. The sociopath is my Twin flame. I love him unconditionally. He tried to leave me but he couldn’t because of our soul connection. I’m in his thoughts constantly he can’t escape me and it drives him mad. He knows I’m different. He is still a pain in my butt. But he knows his tricks don’t work on me. We have a child together and I do plan on marrying him one day. He is mentally ill but I can’t help but love him. I already know he is untrustworthy so I would never expect manogamy, that’s just asking for heart break. I basically have no expectations. That way I’m not disappointed. But I don’t put up with his shit either. And I do what I want. He can’t control me. I know on a soul level he loves me. He just doesn’t show it, very often. His love gestures are very generic. If I was just a victim he would have discarded me, a while back. I have nothing he wants. No money, I’m not attractive, I have a lot of children, so there is nothing to gain from me. But yet he is still in my life. And we live in separate countries, so he isn’t even getting sex or food. Go figure
Hi, I have edited your post for your own protection.
Ok, I know quite a lot about twin flames. I know who is mine. We have known each other over 30 years. Always come back in and out of each others lives. We do not hurt each other. Neither do we have the ability to do so. We are very alike, so sometimes this brings challenges, as one is sometimes living something the other has already experienced and gone through. So, I do understand what you are talking about here.
First of all you cannot lose what you do not own. So there is never any loss. There is only different dimensions of time. If this person IS your twinflame well let them go, sort themselves out, as right now they are no good to you. Also, and could be most likely they are not your twin flame. You have a child together, so could be karmic connection, which is quite different, but can also feel that very strong push/pull.
Let me point out some things to you
He lies to you and has done since day one
He cheated on you, started seeing someone else
He disrespects you
He is untrustworthy
You know he will always cheat on you, and you don’t mind this?
Your comment makes me feel sad. If he lives in another country, how did you end up having a child together? You must have seen him for sex at some point? What does he want? Attention, unconditional love. Someone who puts up with his bullshit, and loves him anyway.
It sounds like you have a good heart. That is worth more than it’s weight in gold. It also worries me that you say that you are unattractive and really put yourself down. Why do you feel the need for this person in your life? Do you love him, or do you feel you need him for self esteem, does each time he come back, take away your heartache and make you feel a bit better, only to break your heart all over again.
I don’t believe he is your twin flame. As the vibration within a twin flame can be challenging because you are so alike. From what you describe you two are nowhere near alike. It sounds like you are an abuse victim, and he is an abuser.