Seducing and love bombing


The most important thing to a sociopath is control. The need to control. Without control they are nothing. When you meet a sociopath, once he has assessed you, if he decides, that you have what he wants. You will then experience love bombing.

What is love bombing?

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Love bombing is so called because of the constant bombardment of communication from the sociopath. This can take many forms. Excessive texting, constant comments on your social network page, emails, telephone calls, or just literally bombarding you verbally in face to face communication. He might overwhelm you with gifts and will constantly flatter you. It feels overwhelming, you are swept off your feet.

At first you will not perceive this as bombardment. You will initially be flattered that he is paying so much attention to you. He will leave you small love notes, send you sweet texts, it is like something from a movie. That’s because it is like that, its more fiction than reality.

Already he has assessed you, and he is now mirroring you, so he is reflecting back to you exactly what you want to hear. But he wants control over you. He wouldn’t have your full attention or control, if you were busy doing other things.

This is an important manipulation tool for a sociopath, love bombing does the following things.

  • It doesn’t give you time to think about what is really happening
  • It doesn’t give you time to spend with others
  • It isolates you
  • It gives a false impression of the sociopath, within a short space of time
  • It moves the relationship forward very quickly (often before you are ready)

Moving the relationship forward quickly

slow down

Love bombing is effective, as it moves the relationship forward very quickly. You might spend 10 hours talking on a telephone conversation. Or might receive constant text messages during the day. Numerous emails, or Facebook contact.

This is mind control. The message that you receive is:

  • He is really keen on me
  • He is really like me, we have so many common interests
  • You have known him for far longer than you actually have

It blinds you to reality

It is important for the sociopath to move the relationship forward very quickly. If he didn’t you might notice that there is a lack of friends from his past. You might notice that he doesn’t actually have a job. You might notice that he doesn’t actually earn what he says he does.

His motive, is always control. By love bombing you, he effectively, in a very short space of time, has control over you. Ownership. He isolates you from other people. You can, within a very short space of time, feel that you have been with someone for 3 years, or that have that feeling that you have known this person all of your life. This gives you the false impression that this man is your soul mate. Someone special, that you do not want to let go of. It feels good.

Feel good factor

Having all this attention, will feel good. In your mind, you reason that this is the right person. This is special. This is my soul mate.  We rarely want to let go of that ‘feel good’ feeling. And not forgetting that a sociopath will often target someone who has needs, perhaps they are lonely. And he walks in and fulfills this part more than well.

Within a short period of time, he will be staying at your place regularly. Your friends and family might raise an eyebrow at how quickly this has progressed. But you reassure them, thinking, ‘they do not know how this feels, it feels so absolutely RIGHT’.

Moving in

It won’t be long and he will have moved in with you. Perhaps he was about to lose his place, or the person he was living with is difficult, and he isn’t happy. He is staying at yours so often, you think why not? You love his company…. he has became all the company you keep. And now, he has you exactly where he wants you. He has moved into your house. Now he has what he really wants, control.

Words © datingasociopath.com

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65 thoughts on “Seducing and love bombing

  1. Wow.

    I’ve never heard of this before. Love bombing.

    All these years, I just thought we always had this intense connection. This crazy passion for one another. (We have been on and off for the better part of a decade). I always thought I was special because we could have conversations on the phone for 7 hours at a time. I always thought that he just couldn’t get enough of me when he would email, email, email, and call to hear my voice. I am so incredibly confused. To have this picture completely distorted now. Maybe thats what I needed?

    This recent time that he worked his way back into my life, I remember telling my friends and parents “Nothing has ever felt so right”, regardless of our volatile past and how “not right” everything looked and sounded on paper. I found myself justifying away the most insane/intense scenarios, because it felt so right. And, obviously everything I have experienced in the past hasn’t been right or felt this way, so this must be it! I must adjust my standards, morals, understanding to fit this new life, because it FEELS RIGHT. How could it not be?

    Oh, it could not be alright…

    I went through all of our old emails. It feels like a lifetime of what we went through in a few short months. And I couldnt believe the timeline of how things escalated. I couldnt believe that within a month of us reconnecting, he was staying over, moving his things in, stopping by my place when I wasnt there, etc. I didnt see this as a problem. I remember thinking to myself, “Wow this is the only person I feel comfortable living with before marriage! This must be so right”

    How was I so wrong….How was I so fooled? Its the strangest feeling, to feel that everything has been a total and complete lie.

    1. yes this is what they do. I witnessed this and saw it first hand without being blinded by ‘love’ I split with my ex and we stayed friends for almost a year after splitting. During that time I saw his behaviour not being clouded by emotions.

      A lot of this blog was written whilst he was trying to seduce me. Lure me back. He almost did at Christmas. Someone advised me to ‘test him’ I did, and he failed.

      But — also if someone has been in your life for 10 years that IS a connection!!! Don’t you think? We had a real genuine connection about lots of things. And always will. Without him, lots of things wouldn’t have happened which has changed my lifepath.

      But we could be twin flames. But the sad thing is that in this lifetime, he has a disordered brain which causes destruction to my life. So he cant be a partner to me. he is too destructive.

      Sometimes it doesn’t matter whether you have the greatest connection in the world.it is how the person makes you feel, and whether you are both capable of building a lasting relationship. Sometimes not…. and that is why you have to walk away and focus on you.

      I am not a great fan of saying that sociopaths are monsters….. they have a problem in their brain. They are predators – they hunt you down, and own you. Possess you….. and even if they try their hardest (mine did) they CANT change!!!

      1. I believe that we have agreed (our souls) to heal something for each other. Look for what this is for you. Relationships change form , they never end. The universe supports Love. The ego is a lie. You are going to be Heavenly happy…Only Love is real . None of us are separate. No hurry, no worry. I wish all the BEST outcome. Look for all of the beauty it is every where ! xoxoxo

      2. This perspective is one of the most “in-line” with what I have experienced of any I’ve ever read… thanks for putting it in words so well.

      3. thank you… i’ve just left one… and suspect I may have just walked into another!! hahaha Shall we ask ourselves why we attract this kind of personality?

      4. THIS is the most….just the most sensible, fair, balanced and reasonable thing I’ve ever seen written about sociopaths. You’re not dehumanizing, you’re not claiming that a true connection with one is impossible, but rather acknowledging that the sociopathic traits are simply to destructive for sustaining a healthy relationship. seriously, bravo! I’ve had a similar experience….even now, my ex will try to win his way back in, or act out in various ways to try an exert influence and control. But we’ve remained friends, and when I have to reassert to him sometimes that: “dude,you’ll likely always be a part of my life, but I’m not going THERE with you on account of I cant be playing house with a big ol’ sociopath”…he laughs, gives a touché, and that’s that!

    2. Wow sounds like my scenario except he always wanted me staying at his house, that is most likely because I live in an apt. and he has a big house, he also has all the control at his place. I have been away from him for 3 weeks now and have blocked his e-mails and that really helps. We had been dating off and on for over 8 years, enough is enough and no one that is older dates that long. Good bye to him.

  2. This description is exactly what I went through with a guy I met in a chat room. He wanted to meet after only chatting for 3 weeks, and he was VERY charming, and intelligent. I never thought I could be fooled so quickly and easily. I thought I was too smart for that, and I’d be able to see through the charm. But, I was SO wrong!

    The “relationship” lasted about six months, and was entirely online. His first private message to me was his full “name” and rank in the Army (claimed he was retired). He appeared to give a lot of personal details about himself, and made himself out to be very rich. He kept talking about money, and what he could do with it–even though I told him I was not interested in his money.

    As he talked about his upbringing, and early life, and all the things he was interested in, it seemed we were perfect for each other–we had so much in common.

    He was very romantic. He even went so far as to tell me he was writing a song for me. But even though I (eventually) thought I loved him, and he loved me; I knew there was something wrong. Something that just did not fit. Maybe I was just wary that I was getting so emotionally attached so quickly. I’m not sure. I just remember thinking something was not right, but I could not put my finger on it.

    We’d started chatting in the middle of December 2012, and by the end of March 2013, I had serious thoughts about marrying this man! That’s how ‘in love’ I felt. I now realize it was because he’d spent those first few months focusing entirely on ME. We chatted every single night, for at least an hour, and sometimes as long as 4 hours.

    On February 10th, during one of our chats, he had to rush off because “a neighbors’ house was on fire.” That was a Sunday night (early Monday morning for him, as his time zone was 2 hours ahead of mine), and he returned on Monday night. He claimed he’d saved this woman from her burning home, then went back inside to search for her cat (unsuccessfully) and he’d received severe burns on his cheek, hands, arms, and feet (said he’d been barefoot). He was at the hospital overnight, but convinced doctors to let him go home the next morning (he said he did not want to miss any chats with me). From then, until late March, he was “confined” in his home because the bandages on his feet and hands did not allow him to drive. But, if his hands were burned and bandaged, how was he TYPING???

    Then, on February 13th, he asked if I’d be his valentine, and spend the day chatting with him on the 14th, to which I agreed. After that, we ended up regularly chatting for an hour or two during “lunch” time, in addition to our late-night chats.

    So, of course, being bombarded by his charm on a regular basis, every day for 3 and a half months, I fell head-over-heels for him–even though I hadn’t even MET him yet!

    Then, in early April, something changed. He claimed he re-enlisted in the Army–at age 56!–to work at the Pentagon. He said he wanted to bring me to Washington DC, put me up in the Ritz Carlton hotel so we could date and get to know each other.

    Literally 3 days after he started “working at the Pentagon,” he was sent on a “temporary duty assignment” to South Korea, and then a variety of Middle Eastern nations, for different reasons. He would be completely out of contact for a week at a time, then would come back to claim he’d been ‘under cover’ or under some sort of communication-block. We had tentative plans to meet around May 20th at the Nashville, TN airport, where he would then fly me to D.C. (claimed he was a pilot). Of course, he did not return from his “overseas deployment” until May 30th–so we ended up missing our connection.

    You would think I’d have been able to find some sort of proof he’d actually been in the military, or worked at the Pentagon; but there was nothing. No record of him enlisting, or receiving orders (he said he’d been able to skip a grade, jumping from Major to full-bird Colonel when he re-enlisted), or of anyone skipping a grade. That would have made news on either the Pentagon website or the Army website. But NOTHING was reported.

    He explained that lack of info as being due to his career as a Green Beret, and the Special Ops Command wiping all records of his existence from the Internet. Blah blah blah.

    He made a LOT of grand promises, but nothing ever came to fruition. Then, during one chat, he admitted that the name I knew him by was not his real name! That’s when things really began to unravel for me. His charm began wearing off! I could THINK again!

    That’s when I realized he’d never proven anything he’d told me, and he’d never revealed any true personal details (not even the city where he lived!), while I’d given him my home address, and 2 phone numbers! I even bought a cell phone JUST so he could call me at any time, and I’d have the phone with me. But, of course, he never called.

    And, yes, I saved our chats, just in case. So, I was able to go back and read all of them, and see–without being under his spell–all our conversations. That’s when I recognized that the entire relationship was bogus–based on lies from the very beginning.

    Then, I started thinking: If he was so rich, and so lonely, why didn’t he hire a professional match-maker? Based on how he described his riches, he could easily afford it.

    So, yes, I did dump him. But, wow, what an emotional roller-coaster those 6 months were for me! I’d never been so emotional, confused, and off-balance before in my entire life. I had not thought it possible to feel so much from mere online chats.

    Don’t think it can’t happen to you, too! My IQ is 130. While I don’t qualify for Mensa, I’m not exactly a blithering idiot either. But sociopaths are VERY talented charmers.

    1. Thank you for your story Catherine. Wow… the thing is that the bigger the lie, the more likely we are to believe it. Especially when we have no background to go on. Have you seen the catfish video from Dr Phil? A lot of people who have been caught in this way, were even shown false photographs of the person that they fell in love with. Total fantasists. I am sorry that you went through this. I hope that you are doing ok now. Welcome to the site 🙂

    2. Thanks Catherine for sharing that. Wow sounds identical to my experience. And even the city where this guy is based. Could literally be the person.

      1. I’m not surprised, Sam. I bet, even before I figured him out and dumped him, he was likely starting a new ‘romance’ with someone else. He had me believing he was working for the CIA and was in places like Afghanistan and North Korea on “missions,” claiming he’d be offline for ’10 days at a time.’ He was likely chatting someone else up while ‘on vacation’ from chatting with me.

        Funny thing, though; when I called him out on his lies, he actually accused me of not being online when he was on his supposed ‘missions,’ which revealed to me he hadn’t actually been on any ‘missions.’

        I could never get him to reveal his specific location during any of our chats. He did claim, though, that he’d purchased a Cessna private jet for $17 million (vs the regular starting price of $22 million Cessna has the plane selling for on their website), so he could fly faster between W. VA & his ‘second home’ in Lake Tahoe, closer to his ‘family’ (his ex-wife, and their two grown kids).

        He also claimed he’d saved one of his W. Virginia neighbors, an old woman, from her burning home; resulting in severe burns to his hands and feet (they’d been bare, when he ‘saw’ the home on fire from his house and rushed out to help). He claimed there was a thick blanket of snow on the ground, at the time. Yet, his typing speed had never suffered from his hands being bandaged for the burns.

        When I searched the news for a story about a home burning down, I could not find a single story about a home burning down, where it had snowed. Not even a story about some guy saving a woman from her burning home.

        At one point, in May of 2013, we’d planned to meet at the Nashville airport, as I had visited with my sister there and was returning home (to Colorado). He’d promised to take me on his plane, fly me to Washington D.C. (where he claimed he’d started working at the Pentagon in the Security department), and set me up at the Ritz Carlton hotel so we could ‘date’ in person for a few weeks to get to know one another. But, of course, he never showed up at he airport. When I arrived home, he claimed his ‘mission’ had run long and he couldn’t make it.

        See how easy it is for him to cover his failures? But it was all bogus, none of it was true. It was all just manufactured lies. Remember that when you’re chatting with strangers online. What they tell you may just be a fantasy of theirs.

        Experiences like this are a good lesson in chatting online; it teaches us not to reveal too much of our own personal information to these fakers, since they could turn out to be scammers and take us for all our money; or worse, a psychopath–some of whom use the Internet to find their next rape or murder (or both) victims.

        Now for a real freak-out: Earlier this year, two years after I broke it off with my sociopath (as of June 8, 2013), a jet has begun doing ‘flybys’ over my home. Not often, just every few weeks or so. One time, I was on my back deck and saw it. The jet–appearing to be the same model “Tom” (not his real name) purchased–flew very low over my home, then increased its elevation and banked right (northward) before disappearing into the clouds.

        Maybe he’s paying a real pilot to freak me out–or he actually has a jet–I don’t know. But this is what I get for giving a stranger my home address. Beware!

    3. I was checking something on the Internet, when I came across this article and your comment. I had goosebumbs all over my arms and neck and my heart began to beat faster. This is the exact thing that happened to me last year. Only difference is that it lasted twice as long, I´ve lost a dear friend and almost failed my exams at college. The crazy thing is that I had a weird feeling about him from the beginning, I just knew that something was wrong. A few months later I found out that he sent me pics from a different guy and that he was “unhappily” married. I was stupid enough to hope that one day there will be room for me in his fucked up life, but there wasn´t.
      He used to say that I´m a cold-hearted bitch, because I couldn´t put up with his shit for any longer. He destroyed my ability to trust any human being again and so much more inside of me.
      In a sick-twisted way I´m glad that I´m not the only one who experienced something like this…makes me feel a little better about myself. I can´t believe that I fell for a liar and believed that he loves me.

    4. Despite being gay, all of your comments I relate to so well. Thanks to the internet we wouldn’t have all connected and hopefully gained insight into it all.

      New lover gets ew job supposedly. Won’t see me during the week because the new job is so stressful. Then Friday night comes and he has “happy hour” for 24 hours telling me he had to bond with new “colleages”. Liar, liat, pants on fire!

      1. They sure are academy-award winning actors who play the part of Mr/Ms. Right so well but they sure do leave a person traumatized and super gun-shy after being so taken by their performance, then suddenly dumped out the blue and from left field. They lack character but certainly are characters playing the role. 😦

  3. Well I’m not sure how to sum up my experience into a short story but I’ll try. I met this man while at work in a factory and let me tell ya I thought it was love at 1st site. He was so good looking and so darn charming that I was nervous talking to him. One night while on lunch he conned me into not returning to work and instead going to a local bar. (I bought all night) this became a regular habit until we didn’t have a job anymore. After less than a month, he was living with me. I already had 2 children and both my girls loved him. I became pregnant but I miscarried, and he was the most supportive man I have ever met. We were married a couple yrs later and I remember my Step Mother asking me if I was sure I wanted to do this, that I may grow to resent him. ( He never held a job, I was always the breadwinner.) After having another miscarriage, I became pregnant again. There was nothing more that we wanted but to share the love of a child. After our son was born, at 7 1/2 wks I received a call at work. He said he dropped the baby. Our son had lost more than half of the blood supply to his brain. The authorities removed our son the day he was being released because they had enough evidence to say he shook our baby. I was blinded again by all the lies and charm of my husband so I supported him in the story of the baby being dropped. Thousands of dollars and 10 1/2 months later, we got our son back, but after careful thinking and seeing all the destructive behaviors my husband was displaying, I knew it was possible he hurt him. See, my husband loved to drink, do drugs and chronically lie to me where he was. But he had this way if making me feel like I was over reacting and making me feel like he lived me soooooo much he would never hurt me, or our baby. We lived like this for almost a decade and had another child. All the while he didn’t work, did drugs, cheated and stole from me. One day it just kind of hit me. What in the world am I doing with this man? ALL the horrible things he’s done to us, even at one point I watched a video of him using my debit card at an ATM when he maintained it was stolen… What in the world is wrong with me? I told him to leave one day and meant it. I drove him to bus station, (I paid for his one way ticket) and he never returned. It was so hard but I am so proud. My children have nothing to do with him and it’s for the best. My son has a developmental and mental disability but makes progress all the time. His Phychiatrist said something that concerns me though. He has. 50/50 chance of growing up to be a Sociopath. Hmmm…. Like his Father. I am doing all I can to prevent that.

  4. I am a keen motorcyclist and my love bombing started with my sociopath when after knowing her for only a week she purchased all the items of clothing she needed to go with me on the bike to the tune of £300+, after knowing her 4 weeks she put up £1000 cash for me to put a deposit on a new bike, she was spending five nights week with me and couldnt get enough of me, then she decided it was ok to go and sleep with her ex for a weekend, expected me to agree to her going to parties with her ex and staying over with him so she “could have a drink” and not drive.
    I went into hospital for an operation and needed a bit of after care, she was nowhere to be seen and the day i came out of hospital she disappeared only to find out that she had gone to an all night party.
    Eleven months later after i had ended the realtionship if you can call it that i was having weekly counseling and did so for the next six months.
    Its a year now and i still have problems coping with what happened.
    John

    1. I was married for over 20 years to a sociopath. It drained me on so many levels I am sure listing them would take away from my point.
      After my divorce, I was introduced to a woman. Divorced 15 years to a low life. She has a 26 year old challenged daughter who will be with her for life (package deal) and is not in the best financial condition, although she represents her desire to be secure.
      The chemistry was instant, and even though we both know newly divorced men do not make the best partners, she professed love to me well before I was ready to go there. Openly told me she thought she was going to be hurt by me, but didn’t care (????) and insisted I be with her (sleep at her house) at least 4 nights a week.

      I found that she became very uncomfortable if I did not meet or exceed her efforts to meet my every need. In the bedroom it felt like it was just too over the top accommodating with me, and I got the feeling (first time ever) that this might be an act. So, I backed off, told her I needed to step back, and within a matter of weeks, she had a new partner staying at her house. “Surprise!!!”

      Judging by the car he drives, I’d say he needed a place to live. He is also remodeling her home………

      As uneasy as I felt, I had feelings for this woman, and was hurt even though I stepped back. However, I suppose I should be grateful I didn’t lower my standards, or ignore my instincts.

  5. Hi all! I work for Discovery Studios out in LA and we are working on a new TV series helping women who have been conned by their loved ones. We have great private investigators working with us and giving their services for free to see women get closure. For more info, email dana [underscore] lillie [at] discovery [dot] com. Thanks so much!

  6. Sadly, this has happened to me twice. I now feel stupid that I didn’t see it for what it was the second time. It isn’t normal for a guy to bombard you with contact, keep you from spending time with friends and living your life. That isn’t healthy.The last guy that did this ended up being very jealous, controlling, and abusive. It was a nightmare I didn’t want to believe was real and I had a very hard time ending it completely. Both times I needed help ending the relationship.

    1. Hi christi, yes getting out of a relationship like this isn’t easy. The intensity that they hunt you down, if they don’t want to let you go – can make it difficult to leave. You are not stupid though, it is just that they are better at being deceptive. It is good that you can trust, that you have the ability to love and feel. The issue is THEIR issue. Not yours.

    2. I hear you, sister!

      I think a lot of people live out patterns in their lives. I’m one of them, myself; fell for the same type of fellow TWICE–only to discover within a few years into each relationship that the guy was cheating on me.

      The first guy had initially been a friend. Over a span of 2 years, he became a fiance; but within a few months of our wedding, he revealed that he had a girlfriend on the side. When he refused to leave her, I realized he’d just been using me, and never loved me; so I left him.

      I forced myself to take a break; and swore off men, to get over him hurting me and try to prevent it from happening again.

      But even after 8 years, I still ended up in the same pattern. While serving in the military overseas, I met two other military members, who were friends. I ended up becoming friends with both, as well; after warning them that I was not interested in romance with either.

      A year later, I married one of them! Two and a half years later, I walked in on him making out with another woman. And, again, he would not give up his girlfriend, either; so again, I had to leave him. That time, it was a divorce. I am only thankful that I was not able to have children, because that would have hurt them, as well.

      Since then (20 years ago), I have not even dated anyone–at least not in the ‘real’ world. I simply don’t trust men anymore (to tell the truth), nor do I believe they have the capacity to love women. Instead, they’ve been corrupted by the various forms of pornography to believe that women are merely things, and not human beings; which allows them to lie to us, feign interest, then use us for their own ends (whatever those ‘ends’ are, even abuse).

      Every experience I have–like with the online sociopath I ‘entertained’ (w/conversation, not shows) for six months a couple of years ago–reinforces my viewpoint. I think the worst part is how stupid I feel afterward, knowing I’ve yet again been lied to, and fooled.

      Now, I don’t ever expect to get married again, even though, sometimes, I feel extremely lonely; but I don’t even want friendship with a man anymore (for fear of where it will lead).

      I don’t know whether you can start over; but for me, I just had to say, “ENOUGH,” and resign myself to being alone. I’ve chosen to focus on other aspects of my life, instead.

  7. Very late reply. I don’t know if the one I’m getting over is a sociopath or a narcissist or just …? I don’t know. Funny thing: when I first met him a friend was explaining love bombing to me and trying to warn me away from another guy. And I was all “That guy has never done any of that, but… this guy you don’t know about is doing exactly that”. Our communication was everything I ever hoped for, daily mental stimulation, we fed off one another and kept building higher. Daily communication turned to 100+ a day texts. Pics from around town, love words, discussions about whatever topic the other was contemplating. I remember one weekend I complained that I felt I’d never heard from him. So he counted… he’s sent me 429 texts over the weekend. “Haha… you’re right. I usually do that much in one day! So yeah, apparently I have been quiet” … he was the one that began talks of marriage. It never went so far though. 9 months… and he quit his job. His new job left him with no vacation time and essentially living out of his car traveling the country. Quoting it wasn’t fair to me to wait… he’d be better as my best friend… he ended it. 100+ messages a day to one email a week and he refuses to discuss anything emotional. Totally screwed up.

    1. Shahana, I’ve put a longer reply below. It will take time to recover, but you WILL get there. Try and remember that his pain is a thousand times worse than yours, for he cannot feel love, cannot settle with one person and will be this way probably for the rest of his days. You were with a narcissist, Sweetheart…You must never go back for the same thing will happen, over and over.

      The hole in your heart they leave is massive, but it WILL heal over with time, even if it leaves a scar..and it will…

      Remember, you were chosen because you are kind and loving…and also remember that everything YOU did, you did in truth. That way, you get to keep the lovely memories, which, at first, shatter into a thousand pieces, leaving you feeling utterly used and abused.

      It is life-changing, but it opens your heart to the pain within others…for they are in great pain. Sadly, you cannot help them, they won’t let you…they will just fool you all over again and leave you in the same way.

      So, you take GOOD care of YOU, always..and heal in your own time, in your own way…but know that you WILL heal. Learn to trust again, that’s vital, for your trust is blown apart for a while. Research Narcissism and in coming to understand it, you will be able to let go, and also to spot other broken people more easily, the signs they give out, etc….

      You will get better, truly, you will.
      Lizzie

      1. Narcissists are different to Sociopaths Lizzie. Sociopaths operate using both sides of the brain. They have zero conscience. It doesn’t exist within them. They are very charismatic, charming and manipulative. A narcissist is very different to a Sociopath. A sociopath can be a pleasurable experience, a narcissist you know its hell but your self esteem is so low, you want it to work to feel better and like you did before. With the sociopath you incur losses, horrific losses, they take over every area of your life like a virus.

        While all Sociopaths are also Narcissists – all Narcissists are not Sociopaths. I only write about Sociopathy here, although I do touch on Narcissism as this is part of their persona, it is just that part is often hidden, unless they are showing off, or having a narc rage.

      2. Lizzie,

        Wow thank you for the ” everything you did you did in truth, that way you get to keep the lovely memories” statement…. For I have many with my sociopath husband. We’ve been together for almost 7 years, engaged 2, and married 1. His mask is beginning to fall off and I am left wondering how could I have been so dumb! But I do love this person, prob always will, that’s just me… I can’t hate. How do we as the victims pick up the broken pieces? I seriously don’t think I remember what it was like to be in a “normal” relationship. I feel like someone else, I’ve changed, but I know I’m the same person. This may sound crazy but… Is there a way for the sociopath to take you to the dark side with them? To kinda desensitize you? I’m numb and so afraid of the furture, the process of divorcing him, rebuilding my life. I’m so thankful I found this site…. Thanks to all

      3. This is the most comforting thing I’ve read. I’m heartbroken and having a really hard time getting over all this from my last relationship. So, thank you…

  8. Good article, but, this is Narcissism at work. The Narcissist HAS to control, because they cannot cope with the world any other way. You find your way back by having compassion for them, for they are very broken people, who turned off their hearts often when very young to cope with the trauma they themselves went through. Often, they are not bad people, but they do bad things and they’ve been doing those bad things for so long that they can’t find a way out and are terrified of letting go of their control. I’d not wish NPD on my worst enemy, nor the pain that’s caused in the fallout from it….

    I’ve come to learn so very much since I found out what was going on, not only about the man I so loved, but also about someone else in my life and tracing it back to my own mother now too, which explains why I run towards people that others run away from…because broken people are home to me..or were…for I’m now free…

    BUT, without this man falling into my life I’d never have come to understand so very much, about him, about others, about myself…and for that I will always be grateful to him. I do not hate him. I hate what he did, but I will never hate him…and it’s vitally important, I feel, for those with this condition to feel that someone loves them, even though they don’t understand what love is, for so many people turn around and call them terrible names due to what they do..and so their self-image, already so blown apart, becomes even more dark inside and the circle of destruction continues….

    They are not evil people. They are broken people. To love them, you have to have uncondtional love, almost a maternal/paternal role in their life….rather than a partner, for they rarely are able to remain with just one partner, needing The Love Of Many, or rather, The Adoration Of Many, to convince them that they ARE lovable…for despite their often vast egos, they are actually terribly nervous wrecks inside…

    A very complicated and very sad condition….

    I will always hold this man in my heart and grieve for the loss of him, alongside grieving for him….for I also know his agony and I wish I could take that pain away for him, for all folks who have this terrible disorder.

    Find compassion and also, take back your memories, for remember, everything YOU did and said was absolutely true at that time…and whilst they unlocked something in you which was never going to be fulfilled, you knew, just for a short while, real joy, even though they had planned to remove that joy so abruptly, so ‘out of the blue’ from the very first day….

    It is almost as if they are trying to tell others how they themselves felt as children, how bit by bit they closed down their hearts, unable to bear anymore pain…a pain that was indescribable..and that pain is what they inflict upon you….

    Compassion and Understanding is the way back to Sanity, to Love, to YOU, alongside knowing you were chosen because you are kind and loving and giving…so, be proud of yourself as well as loving yourself again.

      1. Man this site is awesome. I identify with so much and now I feel like I am not alone. Thanks to all that share. It helps me weed out the good in it all, the bad and the ugly. I too of course have been duped for over 14 years now. I am waiting for God to show me how to get completely out through divorce. As of now I am just in the regrouping process. God is definitely moving me forward and I know HE will show me all that I need to do and all that I need not do. This is so amazing that I am here writing this right now. I am a survivor!! It feels great!! I am looking forward to a new start and I now have my degree in Sociopathogy!!! I couldn’t relate, understand or grow OUT of this experience if I’d never gone THROUGH IT, personally. I am BETTER because if it, and what I have been through will NOT be in vain. Believe that! Everyone be encouraged and hopeful that this too .. shall pass. God bless!

    1. In response to this comment. I DO have unconditional love. The result is that a sociopath (not narcissist) WILL destroy your life. Unconditional love won’t help them, it will only destroy you.

    2. My god this is so beautifully written. Nearly brings tears to my eyes. You hit the nail on the head. I am so sad for my guy. I am strong and he is not. I can love and empathize and he really cannot. I have a future that I think he just isn’t capable of. I want nothing but happiness for him, but I can’t drag him into the light.

      1. Please don’t feel sad for him Darcy as I am sure he doesn’t feel sad for you. If he is a sociopath, he would be quite happy living his life exactly as it is. Even though he is very good at playing victim, and that he might change. Don’t feel sad for him, as he doesn’t want to change, even if he says he does. And people, he doesn’t have same value on people either. The sociopath enjoys change. Think of you!!

  9. Wow, thanks for this article.
    My story is sad, yet thankfully the “relationship” lasted only 2 months.
    In a nutshell, I looked up some old college alumni back in 2010 on Facebook. I messaged this guy I was in class with, and knew for a few years back in the late 90’s. He wrote a flirty message back that I blew off (I’m married), but would “like” and leave flirty comments on some of my statuses and photos over the last 5 years. I just blew it off.
    Cut to this summer, with another parent dying and feeling vulnerable, I reached out to him on FB when I saw him post about a college peer dying. We talked for hours that night..and the next, and the next. The messaging and texting was out of control. About a month in, he starts dropping the I.L.Y.s. I was on cloud 9, even though I knew it wasn’t right.
    The discard started about 3 weeks ago, and when questioned he basically gaslighted me. I don’t know if he cooled off because he realized I wouldn’t travel the 200 miles to see him, or leave my husband. Most likely he found better prey.
    The final straw was when my father died nearly 2 weeks ago, and he was M.I.A. Some friend. Of course all the conversations turned to fights because he wouldn’t fess up. The last fight was this past week, he ended up blocking me on FB, but has since un-blocked. I should probably block him.
    I learned of his situation slowly over these past 2 months, as he was selective with parceling out info. about himself. He’s divorced and jobless for almost 3 years, completely broke and living on his mom’s couch. He has a history with gang violence. Loves a good fistfight, and is an alcoholic.
    Does this sound like a sociopath or a narcissist?
    Either way, at age 38 I learned an important lesson; always trust your gut.
    Hoping I can stay No Contact if he tries to get in touch. 20 years is a long time to know someone.

      1. Remember, it’s pathologic not necessarily purposeful in the way an empath would think. I hope you have healed and forgiven. It’s the only way to getting over them.

    1. What were you doing allowing this to go on when you are married?

      Sometimes, I wonder if the sociopaths/narcissists are egged on by their victims. Feeding the lion…

    2. That is a sad story, Duped.

      But, may I ask why you went looking for ‘old college alumni’ and contacted this guy when you’re married? It tells me there might be something missing from your marriage.

      It’s one thing to ‘catch up’ on how old college friends are doing, but allowing it to steal time away from your primary love (your husband) can only lead to disaster and heartache, for both you and your husband.

      I highly recommend you talk to a marriage counselor, your religious leader, or a trusted friend about this; and ask how you can recharge your marriage so you do not fall prey to temptation again.

      And, if you’re a Christian, please read 1st Corinthians chapter 7, on Christian marriage. There is great advice in that chapter.

      I hope experience is a good teacher. There is nothing sadder than losing something or someone of great value for the sake of a fleeting interest in something or someone new.

      1. This is not uncommon. This woman just confessed her soul and she was chastised harshly as if other broken individuals ( not married) are not messed up too. Marriages can be broken from the beginning or should have never taken place. There are so many scenarios so be gentle to this soul

  10. I am very worried about my brother who thinks he has hit the lottery with a woman who has been love bombing him going on 9 months now. She moved in with him and put pictures of them as a couple all over his (their house). She takes care of his kids (her 4 kids live with their baby daddy’s). She posts pics of wedding rings on facebook. I have never seen a woman so over the top. She is nit nice to anyone but him. I have stayed out of it. My question is if this is a love bomb situation how long will it last? Thanks PJ

  11. Wow! Now I am totally confused. I thought as you said he was “into me” he would send texts every hour on the hour, or if not call. We spoke non stop until our first argument then he slowly drifted away when I pointed out his faults and not only mine. He also came to my apt and stayed w me Friday to Sunday. He made one comment I very quickly shut him up over referring to my body being the way he liked in a pic. Saying “I should always be in shape like that” that triggered many insecurities in me. But after that he never mentioned anything insulting again. Even though he did mention women regularly to see me react then when I reacted he called me crazy or psycho. He down played any of his faults and merely tried to blame me for everything. Are these sociopath traits? Bc I am debating getting back w him and am completely frightened now.

    1. Danielle do yourself a huge favor and just stop trying to rationalize his behavior. You will waste many hours, days, even years of YOUR precious life. I would re-read some of the above response….. they are from people who have been there done that as am myself . I married my sociopath thinking he would change. He was always pushing for the marriage so I gave in out of exhaustion (yes they will suck you dry of everything you value). Things are a bit less crazy due to counseling but the genuine closeness is absent.

  12. @ Positivagirl–Thank you so much! I plan on chiming in when felt lead to do so . This is a good way to learn, heal and move on. I enjoy the comments and know I without a doubt that I was lead here for a PURPOSE.

  13. I spent so long telling myself that he changed. That after those first couple wonderful, loving months, something happened to change him from this wonderful, attentive man, into a manipulative, controlling monster. And now… now I can’t pretend anymore, and… fuck.

    1. It can be confusing as you hope that they will ‘return to normal’ the truth is, that this wonderful person was the fake, the mirror of the wonder that is YOU….. then the mirror becomes twisted and reflected back to you, in a distorted way.

      Don’t hanker after what is fake…. as that was the reflection of YOU not your abuser, your abuser was reflecting YOU

  14. So much insight gained into my (late) son’s relationship, of which he managed to break free six months prior to his death. He withdrew from the sociopath/narcissist, who could just not cope with being dumped. I get the impression “If it’s not me, then it will be nobody ever”.

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