It is always shocking to the victim who has been in a relationship with a sociopath, when you are ultimately ‘discarded’ leaving you feeling worthless.
You can be left questioning the following:
- What did I do wrong?
- Why did he stop loving me?
- Why did I deserve this?
- I want answers
- Why has this happened?
The first stage can feel heady, and like you are floating on air. The sociopath idealises you. Bombards you with affection. Tells you that you are perfect. Makes out that you are the person that he has waited all of his life for.Tells you that you are the love of his life. He mirrors back to you:
- What you need
- What you want
- What you think is missing in your life
- Who you would like to be
- The best side of you
It is the idealisation stage (the seduction) which lures you in. Idealising you, makes you feel good. In your own mind you are being given the message:
- He likes me for who I really am (who you perceive yourself to be)
- He sees my good qualities
- He will encourage personal growth
- He is just like me
- I like this person
This creates a false bonding to the sociopath, because it is based upon manipulation and deception.
Once the sociopath has you hooked to the feel good factor, and you are emotionally involved with him, once he has used you for what he wants, you will notice a shift in the behaviour towards you. This is negative attention and words, which will knock you off balance, and take away your own personal power.
He will say now often the opposite of what he said in the initial stages, which will leave you feeling confused.
- He now puts down your personal beliefs
- Will make you question things that are important to you
- Will make comments about how you look
- Will make comments about your personal connections and who you are close to
- Will often say the opposite of what was said in the idealisation stage, leaving you confused
- Will minimise and invalidate whatever is important to you
When the sociopath is in the discarding stage, he is already making plans for exit. He likely has a new source of supply lined up. Everything is behind the scenes, for he is the master strategist and manipulator.
The message you are left with is
- This is my fault
- I am not good enough
- I have done something wrong
- I am confused
After the full blown love affair that has swept you off your feet, to the discarding stage, where you are belittled, put down, made to feel small, made to feel that everything was your fault, were blamed, were accused to deflect from their behaviour, suddenly without warning the sociopath will discard you.
This can be incredibly painful to experience. You are treated as if you are worthless, that you mean nothing. The cut you dead attitude, from the full on seducing stage, can feel dramatic and cruel. Perhaps you had felt that when the devaluing was happening that things would return to how they were in the earlier idealisation stage of the relationship?
It is now that the truth starts to emerge. When you really see the true person come through. Now in the final stage of discard, when the sociopath has a new source of supply you are discarded like last weeks newspaper.
The way that the sociopath cuts you dead at the end is heartbreaking as you search for answers. You call but they blank your calls, or put down the phone. If they do pick up they rant on the phone, and then cut you off mid conversation. You are now nothing to them, and if they do speak to you, it will often be just to tell you how great their life is now. How their new person is nothing like you. How much happier they are without you.
You are left stunned, and often believe the lies that are being told to you. Yes, that is right lies. As that is all that it is. Just as the sociopath lied in the beginning – and the middle he now lies at the end. Both to you (about you) and likely to others about you.
The messages that you receive at the end are
- This is my fault
- I am worthless
- I was used
- Everything was a lie
- Nothing was real
And this is the point where, without answers from the sociopath, you search for answers online. Or wherever you can find answers. You are heartbroken, as you think that you will never hear from this person again.
Will you hear from the sociopath again?
Most likely, yes. The sociopath is also a Narcissist and looks for narcissistic supply. He often leaves a relationship with sudden discard, no explanation, and leaving things ‘open’ with one foot in the door, so that he can return, should and when he needs to. Sometimes it might be a year before you hear from them again. Sometimes much less time. It really depends on when he needs additional supply. As rarely can he be on his own. He always needs someone else to give him whatever it is that he needs.
Likely he will return, full of further empty promises. Which will be no more than the empty promises that he sold you in the beginning. And he will return (if you allow him to) back to the cycle of:
But you should not take him back. Things will not get better and he will not change.
You can never change anybody else, and you certainly cannot change the sociopath. But you can change you. It is now time for you to take care of you. To love yourself. To focus your energy on yourself.
Words © datingasociopath.com