Did you get away from somebody who was treating you badly, only to find further prison walls, that left you feeling just the same as you did when you were in the relationship?
Is that person now getting on with their lives to the full, while you, appear to be still stuck and trapped, sometimes years later? Sitting in the carnage and wreckage of the life that was created, deliberately, by somebody else?
Sociopath Quote
‘I change my “mask” a couple times a day for each person I come in contact with. People cannot really explain or define me as an individual except for ideal or perfect because I pair to them with what they want to see.’
When you look back to the relationship in the past (or if you are still there, perhaps why you are reluctant to leave), you remember the ‘good times’. If you see my last post, hopefully you will understand why this happens. It is the combination of:
- Cognitive dissonance
- Former or current gaslighting
- Trauma Bonding
- (And maybe Stockholm Syndrome)
It can be heartbreaking to understand, that all of those memories, and life events, were created to manipulate you. To use you, and to take what the sociopath could take from you. The person that you were involved with (if indeed he/she is a true Socio/Psychopath) is an empty individual. A person who has no true emotions, he/she mirrors others and put on a mask to be whatever it is that they think you want/need to see. Simply to get what they want from you. It is as simple as that. A clever person, who is able to mirror anybody that they come into contact with, if that is to their convenience. If you miss those ‘good times’ they were faked, to mirror you. Your needs and your likes.
You have to feel sorry for them really. Empty vessels in life, who are nobody.
Not only did they mirror you, enter your world, your dreams and ambitions. They either destroyed, or tarnished them. And now you are left to pick up the pieces of your life.
Remember this person is a liar.
While in the relationship you were kept prisoner. Perhaps it took you a long time to get out. Maybe you are still there, maybe you got out quickly. However you escaped. The truth is that you were kept a prisoner. They called the shots, (even if they allowed you to believe that you were). They owned and controlled you.
Many of you feel disappointed to realise that you still feel like a prisoner in your own life, or struggle to move on, long after the relationship has ended.
What is blocking you from moving forward?
You.
If this person has left your life. If this person has gone. You are free. The only person blocking your pathway towards success within your own life is you.
It is so easy to sit still. To be paralysed by what has happened to you. To look back on the good times, when you were effectively no more than a puppet, controlled by your puppet master. You can be left feeling cut to the floor when the strings have been cut by the master.
You still feel the ‘strings’ of attachment. That were deliberately created by the Sociopath. You still remember the power the control.
You need to set yourself free.
Visualisation techniques to cut the chords that bind you
First thing to do is to do a visualisation technique to cut the chords that bind you. I wrote a post about this five years ago that you can read here .
This is a visualisation technique where you remove emotional attachments and connection to this person. For those people who are not spiritual, perhaps skip this part, if it does not interest you.
Regaining control of your life
If the relationship that you were in, was very emotionally damaging, if you have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), I know that it is not easy to rebuild. Take it step by step.
I want you to be in the present. To make goals and plans for your future. To know that you are going to be safe. That you are safe to make those future plans and now is the time to work towards them. Not tomorrow, next week, or month. This person has taken enough of your time.
I want you to start looking forward, and planning forward. It really is true that we create the world that we want to see. I know that if you are going through a very tough time right now, that can be incredibly difficult to believe. Particularly if you have been battling to rebuild your life for a number of times.
Well, maybe you will never be able to rebuild it as it was. An important part of recovery is to let that go. It is about rebuilding and growth. I even moved house. The truth is sometimes I miss my old home, the more that I reminisce about this, the more I feel sad, upset.
Create the world you want to see
I really want you to look at the above quote. To try to take it in. It is really important.
The more that you spend time thinking – life isn’t fair. The more that life will continue not to be fair.
The more that you focus on what this person did to you. The higher chance that you will remain stuck.
To move forward. I want you to focus on what you can do. How can you rebuild? Loss is incredibly hard, particularly when you have experienced multiple losses, deliberately at the hands of someone else who you loved, and trusted.
That is hopefully gone. Today, is a new day. Today is a blank piece of paper. Make a wish. Go to the cosmic ordering website.
Decide what it is that you want to rebuild first? Do you need a new job? Then ask for that. Be specific. Time frame it. Then start thinking about it. How can you achieve this?
Are you feeling depressed? See a doctor.
If you are emotionally damaged. See a professional therapist. I believe with the right therapist, that you can move mountains in a short space of time, and begin to really undo damage that was done to you. I started counselling and have found it really beneficial.
Were your friendships broken? Well, if they were, those people were not your true friends, as believe me, your real friends would still be there at the end of the storm.
Do you need to move home? Are there too many memories where you live? I would cosmically order one using the website, then start to make plans as to how you can realistically achieve this.
Do you need to make sure that you are safe? Don’t be frightened to report to the police.
Stop living in the confines and the prison of your own mind. You lived that way because it was convenient for someone else. While they were manipulating you, to get what they want from you. You do not need to live in that prison for any longer than you need to.
Start thinking positive. The world needs you. People probably miss you. Pick up the phone and call somebody you haven’t spoken to in a while. They probably have missed you.
Start small, and soon you will be growing big. Give yourself time to heal, time to grieve. You have been through a lot. Be gentle on yourself. It does take some time, particularly when you have to grieve somebody who never existed.
You really can do this. The only thing holding you back now is you.
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2018
Dating a Sociopath 
It’s NOT so much about moving ON…it’s about getting RID of the BS LIES left in ur head.
NO…they are NOT getting on with their lives in FULL while u feel stuck in a drain-hole…they are just snaking on doing what they ALWAYS did…feeling for NO-ONE. They don’t have this miraculous fabulous life behind the scenes…they are just con-artist LONERS – doing the same repetitive thing (as Sam Vaknin puts it …pathological attention-seekers). The DESCRIPTION: anti-social personality does NOT mean non-social & lonely…in fact, FAR from it…they NEED ppl to FEED their delusional EGO…they are VERY busy keeping the delusion up. I recognised one sociopath online & he said being a sociopath is a FULLTIME job…I believed him. BUT, let’s get it into PROSPECTIVE (1 in 25 – ¾’s men)…these ppl are LONERS…absolutely trust NO-ONE themselves…so like to PROVE that fact over & over with everyone they meet. However…realise it is a PERSONALITY disorder…a brain anomaly from what we claim normal – & they did not chose it. Damn SAD some of them maybe rather good looking, charming & even high IQ & educated…BUT, the soul is EMPTY…there is NO emotional IQ…so it makes them half a person OR NOT the person u’d prefer to meet in a romantic sense! Even Sam Vaknin (diagnosed psychopath yet psychologist) claims they are robotic & just information gatherers….yet he maintains a partner that knows what he is. However, there is a difference btw cerebral & somatic controllers.
Their addictive lives are…admire, gather info & gain trust (mimic the person)…deceive (has them feeling in control & powerful)…discard (has them even feeling more in control – esp if you react)…JUST to get their rocks ‘off’…& they are ‘OFF’…so, don’t feel envious of their next victim…just be GLAD the sociopath CIRCUS left ur town. AND DON’T believe U can change them.
There are a very FEW that seek help & try restraint to their impulsivity…which they KNOW does them NO favours…read psychogendered’s blog. They can function legally in this world (some are even lawyers)…they are NOT stupid…yet avoid them if U seek a romantic involvement…coz, to ALL of them…U are just an object.
You are not saying anything I haven’t written hundreds of times over on this blog. I conducted a survey of visitors to the site. Almost 5000 people responded. Of those, the majority of readers were either out and the sociopath was still lurking around. Or they were still in relationship. Or they had suddenly gone awol (and therefore risk of returning).
Am sure there are a lot of lawyers who are psychos. I came across a few when I was in a 4.5 year legal case. For the primary group of people who read this site, from the poll I put out, it is a case of moving on. If it isn’t and the post isn’t relevant. That is fantastic too 🙂
I also think that your passionate point of view is useful too – tbh – my passions with it, were many years ago. Many people have PTSD from their experiences. It isn’t that they can’t let go. It is that what happened to them struggles to let go of them. It is those people I write to.
Can I email you about my problem ?
Hi yes sure, but please don’t make it TOO long. As it can be more difficult to reply if it is really long. email datingasociopath@hotmail.co.uk
AND anything U may have emotional pain or care about….u’r a target….that’s WHY they do well in politics too.
Agreed with the politics too….. lawyers, politicians, even psychiatrists…. depending on the job, depends on damage that can be done.
Sociopaths less likely than psychopaths, simply because sociopaths are more clumsy and more likely to get caught/slip up.
Done everything recommended. But when another person or friends or new accuintances I meet, take me for a ride eg over charge etc in my daily life . I go into a depression e state again. Thinking why why me ?
Is t to written on my for head ,I am soft .
I make small achieve able plans and achieve them but I will never have another relationship or trust another human again. Five years on it still has an impact on my life
First of Adrianne, it isn’t a bad trait to be a nice person. It is about setting yourself healthy boundaries. Loving you. Most important of all, trusting you. I think sometimes we need professional help to undo the broken within. It is more important than this. Your comment, is about the mindset you set yourself. Instead of saying ‘nobody is ever going to do this’ and ‘I deserve better’ ‘I will attract positive people into my life, who are there for my highest good’ You say … ‘when another person does this’. Which can sometimes attract more of the same.
The reason why it can help working with a professional to work with you, is because that person wants nothing from you at all, only to get well. I had to set my life very small. I was lucky in that I managed to get two professionals who helped me. A lot. I did the rest. There are different types of therapies that are available. Gestalt therapy can work with fragmented parts of you, to help you to become whole. CBT and in some senses DBT can help with your thinking processes. Sometimes if you have repeated depression, medication can help. There are lots of things that can help.
I struggle to believe that there would be anyone who had been involved with a real life true Psychopath or Sociopath, who could walk away, pick up their life and just be ok. Simply because of the psychological damage that they do ‘deliberately’ to keep you trapped, contained, a prisoner to them. It is betrayal of the worst kind. Worse, it is more than that, they work hard to alter your perception of life.
Additionally this post is written to those who do not already have a pre-existing health condition. If you do, then of course, that could still be with you. But you would know this, by how you were prior to the relationship.
It is about the MINDSET. HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. It is better to be on your own, than to be around people who do not hold the same value of you, as you do. Also, whether you choose to be around them. If you want to be single. That is fine too.
Fixing you (professionals, and you)
Surrounding yourself with good people (good friends, close family members)
Setting healthy boundaries – learning how to say NO as soon as something feels wrong in your gut
Setting your own goals in life, and working towards them.
Being positive, and if you struggle with this, again maybe professional help, or even medication for a while could help
The biggest thing of them all, is the power of the mind. To BELIEVE that you can make change in your life. If you believe that you will never recover. You never will. If you dwell in the past that is where you will remain.If you believe that you only meet people who are bad for you. You will probably will meet yet more people who are.
When you change your mind set – and sometimes you need professional help to do so with a GOOD therapist. You really do start to heal. Because the answers have to come from within YOU. We are all individuals. We all have our own story. As humans we are complex. Nobody could write a post that would heal and fix you. Or give a magical solution. Because the work has to come from within. You will know the answers within you. Working one to one with someone.
You deserve not to be trapped for the rest of your life, for actions that were done against you. Equally, you deserve to learn to trust again, and it is almost impossible to trust others, if you do not first learn to trust you.
If you tried a therapist and it didn’t work. Then it wasn’t the one for you. But remember that the benefit you get from working with a therapist, is only as good as the work you put in yourself. I know that for me, I would identify something and then the next week until the next session,I would really think about what issues lay within me to fix and heal. I would take that back the following week.
I deserved so much better.
So do you.
Unfortunately it’s time to heal.
Emotional scarring is far worse, or so I was told by my doctor in 2014.
I maybe did somethings that most victims wouldn’t, I went out on dates, but weird as it is,it was almost as if I had a “Sociopath Alert Antenna” stuck on my head, any sign of a control freak and I was off!
Leaving my ex was made slightly easier as he lived in Spain and I moved back here,but it didn’t stop him acting like an utter prat by email and ringing my solicitor ,who luckily sussed him out!
The judge thought him a complete ar*ehole!🤦♀️. At one point I thought she going to award him an Oscar,as his performance was certainly worthy of one 😂
I’m not sure if is the case with anyone else, but I found I went through different emotions in the early days,I could go from a high to an all time low,become paranoid one minute then feel confident another.
As for the mental abuse, I can reel of any lie my ex ever told me or things I was meant to do each day under his control.
I’ve become more assertive,don’t take rubbish any longer.
As I’ve said in a previous,my ex committed suicide a year to the day of our last and final court hearing,and I only felt numbness in hearing that, but somehow I seem to have conditioned my brain to feel nothing regarding him,I didn’t love him in the end,and I question now if I ever did….it was controlled from day 1,I just didn’t see it at the time.
Often we hear of people who’ve not been nice in life and when they die they suddenly become saints…my ex will never be that,he died a sad lonely person, still lying to the end to anyone who cared to listen.
They love no one bar themselves unfortunately.
The parasites who walk this Earth 😞
Hi positive girl,
It’s been a while since I visited your site. Revisiting has shown me how far I’ve come. Gone is the anger etc, it’s taken a while and I am still single, but content. It’s been 12 years, sounds a long time, but with a lifetime of healing to achieve, I’d say that’s not too bad so far. 🙂 I’m now hoping to take the next step, albeit I’m terrified. Abuse of any kind can leave a person with many areas to work on within themselves. Being in the autism spectrum has made certain areas of healing, very difficult to achieve, mine being the social aspect, also education institutions etc. As you’re already aware, being an artist, in itself can be very isolating and although I live and breathe my art, there’s been a restlessness inside for a while now. I want to achieve my dreams and have been looking into an OU course and have read the prospectus and know what direction I want to take what I’ve learned myself so far. I want to do this but am having a battle. Fear and resistance, keeps locking me up, I’ve never really mixed as you know and I had to leave courses in the past, due to drama’s and health related stuff etc. I have this massive fear of stepping out of my comfort zone into this unknown territory.
Yet I want this achievement so much, have so much to offer, even with all my challenges. Can you offer any advice?
Jen. XXX
Hey it is good to hear from you, and that you are doing so well!!
I think the opportunity to do further study sounds brilliant. Open University would enable you to study without as much interaction with others. To be honest these days even normal university, a lot of course content is taught online.
Doing an OU course, sounds perfect in terms of study but not having to have much interaction with others. Are you going to apply? I think you really should, as you won’t know until you do it.
Nikki x
After I wrote to you, I took action. 🙂 I phoned the OU, also careers advice line. I’ve decided that design technology and innovation engineering, is the right course to take everything I’ve done so far, to the next level. I’ve also spoken to the housing to get some help, explained to them, my situation. My welfare rights officer, who won my pip for me, has referred me to the right person to help me. I spoke to her yesterday afternoon. She’s on holiday until June 30th, but will come and see me and help with the application and the disability application etc, when she returns to work.
She will liaise with the welfare rights, so info is accurate. She was very encouraging and the speed with which I was contacted etc, gave an indication of their belief in me, which did wonders for my self esteem. 🙂 Taking action to override my fear, albeit uncomfortable, has left me feeling empowered and raring to go. Writing to you, pushed me to take action, instead of procrastinating and letting that fear, take control. The success for me there, is breaking that barrier within, a barrier erected a long time ago. Thanks Nikki, for everything, this site is a blessing to so many including myself. I’ve never looked back since stumbling across you. 🙂
I have a new FB account and will send you an invite. 🙂 I only have a few people I know on there, so keep an eye out. 🙂 Big hugs your way!
Jen. XXX.
Can’t seem to find you on FB. Can you mail me when you have some spare time, or txt if you still have my no?
Jen. XXX
Jen
Hey Jen try looking for Nik gees
There’s loads of Nik gees. They don’t make it easy do they. 🤔 Here’s a no you can txt me on. 🙂07768 893 634. I can confirm its me then we’ll sort it hopfully. 🙂
I’ll try and do a post soon, I’ve lapsed on that front lately. Been busy here though, when able, I’m mainly in the back garden lately, working on my den. I’m focusing on the front of it ATM. I’ve been trying papercrete and already made leaf no one. I’ve started rendering parts of it too. I still have a way to go, but it’s taking shape now 🙂 Ste’s going to help with the permenant roof soon, can’t wait! It’s taken a while hasn’t it. I’ve nearly finished drawing no 5 too, for the colouring book. 🙂 I’ll post pics on my site soon. 🙂 Hope lifes treating you well. Big hugs your way! 🙂
Jen. XXX
Aragh I can’t find my phone. It is here, and I need to find it today. I am the Nik Gees that has ‘love is the force that reminds us of who we really are’ as a cover photo. Am not sure why you aren’t on my friends list though as I haven’t removed you? Maybe email me your number when I find my phone later will send you a text, for your own safety rather than having your number on a public forum.
Look forward to seeing photos of your progress on your den and catching up! Nikki
SOS I’ve not been on sooner, been on a roll. Looked again no joy doing my head in this! I got a new FB page bago’s bagollox has been deleted due to being hacked. Did you find your phone? Jen. XXX
Right changed my privacy setting on FB for now, you can find me by mail address. Its a new one not, wijnton2012. It’s,
I’m under my proper name. 🙂 XXX
Sent you an email. I can’t find you on facebook. Nikki