The three words ‘I love you’ are meant to be special, intimate. To the sociopath ‘I love you’ means something entirely different.

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When you first meet the sociopath, he spends a lot of time, listening, reflecting, mirroring.

  • Listening to what you say (to discover what your needs and wants are)
  • Reflecting (Offering you back what you need and want)
  • Mirroring (mirroring your body language, repeating back to you what you are saying, ‘active’ listening skills)

Love is a really important game to the sociopath in dating. Without love the sociopath loses their power.

A sociopath will constantly say ‘I love you’….. what this actually means is ‘do you love me’…. he is constantly checking whether you love him. He needs you to love him, as when you do, you are rendered ‘weak’

You are fooled into thinking this is a genuine love connection. The sociopath mirrors all of the reactions that people do when they are genuinely in love.

  • Wants to spend all of their time with you
  • Appears interested in you and your interests
  • Appears to share similar interests, goals, and morals
  • Tells you constantly that they love you
  • Showers you with attention and flattery
  • Fakes that they will help you to fulfil your dreams
  • Is very helpful and useful

With this belief that you have met someone who seems so perfect for you, you feel safe to let down your guard, and fall subsequently in love with the sociopath.

If you have been in a relationship with a sociopath, you will notice that they constantly say ‘I love you’, this leads you to feel some sense of responsibility for the sociopath, and that you should love them back. This is part of the manipulation and control.

The sociopath constantly checks what you are feeling about them, and if you are in love with them. When you are in love, you are rendered ‘weak’. This is in reality how the sociopath sees you.

There is a saying ‘crazy in love’ and being in love, can be a temporary form of ‘madness’ where we can lose ourselves in the moment of ‘love’.

Love is  important to most humans, especially women. We all have the need to love, and to be loved.

The sociopath abuses this. This is what can leave victims feeling both confused, and lacking in belief that the person they are in love with is actually a sociopath after all your partner was so:

  • ‘Loving and caring’
  • Helpful
  • Focused on you (giving you the illusion that they were as into you as you were them’
  • Moralistic

The person behind the mask is rarely seen. If you imagine the Wizard of Oz….. you are lured in and left spell bound by what you see in front of the curtain….. but when Dorothy pulled back the curtain, she saw a very different person operating the machine.

This is exactly what the sociopath does. He uses LOVE and fakes love, to

  • Get you to fall in love
  • So that (if you are in love) you feel a responsibility for him, and are weak
  • Manipulate you

Because the sociopath has no conscience, he doesn’t care whether this causes you pain. The sociopath thrives to

  • Be in control
  • To win

Duping others, conning, and winning, obtaining what he wants by deception can give the ultimate high (see also sociopath’s dupers delight and the joy of conning someone). They suffer from boredom, and are not restricted by either

  • Moral compass, responsibility for anyone else
  • Emotions and feelings for anyone else except themselves

Whilst you are going headlong into the relationship with the sociopath, losing your head and falling in love, the sociopath will fake that he is in love. He will fake this so very well, that it will feel like a soul mate connection.

Why victims stay in the relationship with the sociopath

The reason why victims stay with the sociopath, is because of the poker effect. Once the mask begins to slip, the victim has fallen in love with the ‘illusion’ that the sociopath has sold to the victim. Everybody needs ‘closure’ but there can be no closure with the sociopath. You are in love with simply an illusion. The sociopath will give you back niceness, kindness, and fake love again, to lengthen his time with you. This is simply because the sociopath does not want to lose source for supply. This is all that you are to the sociopath, ‘a source for supply’.

This reminds me of the fairy tale of The Emperors New Clothes, where the Emperor is conned that his invisible clothes are made from silk and gold. He walks proudly in his new outfit, despite that he had doubts, he did not listen to himself. Allowed himself to listen to the swindlers, rather than his own intuition, his pride did not want to see the truth, until a child shouts from the crowd ‘that man is not wearing any clothes’

We are too often deluded in the search for love. We do not want it to be true, that we have met someone who has used us, and conned us, and that we were foolish to believe the lies that were told to us. That the lies opened our hearts, and we willingly let somebody use and abuse us. That nothing was true.

We do not want to appear foolish. We want what we have believed to be the truth. The sociopath can get further ‘dupers delight’, if the truth is uncovered, and he manages to convince you that he does actually ‘love you’, and you then stay for an extended period of time.

A sociopath cannot love in the traditional way that you are sold LOVE.  Love to the sociopath means three things:

  • Control
  • Ownership
  • Source for supply

The sociopath would never admit this to you. It can be so hurtful, that you do not want to admit this truth to yourself. The sociopath, when the truth starts to be uncovered, will continue to sell you the lie, and even go to further lengths to prove that his lies are true.

Your weakness, is not only that you are in love (which is why the sociopath constantly checks that you are in love with them), but also pride. Once you know the truth, and understand and accept this, that it is NOT you. That what you experienced was not real. You had simply been played as part of the biggest illusion on earth, you can start to let go.

To let go, you need to accept the truth, to establish no contact. To put into place a recovery plan.

See also How to heal and recover from dating a sociopath

and The No Contact Rule

The sociopath does not and cannot experience love. Unless love to you, means ownership and control?

Ownership and control, is sadly, not love.

Words copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013

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  1. A High Functioner says:

    And I rest my point.

  2. Sociopathic Male says:

    Surely this should be gender neutral? Not all sociopaths are men.

  3. Skycap says:

    sociopaths can indeed fall seriously in-love and it does complicate things more then you can even imagine.

  4. Stephanie says:

    When a sociopath keeps telling you that you love him and that he’s known for awhile, what does that mean? What is he saying? I care about him a lot, but I don’t think its love.

  5. A High Functioner says:

    Along with what @crimegeek19 said … Yes, there is a higherachy of humans. Anyone who does not recognize this is living in ignorance bliss. I’m not saying it is right or that it is wrong, but it is so. Wouldn’t you agree that a person who doesn’t make decisions based on their own emotions is a better leader? I actually pity those who have been led by their heart to such obviously horrible decisions. So in many ways, yes, being able to act without emotion makes one superior to others.

    • positivagirl says:

      No I think you need empathy for others to be a good leader. I expect you think that Donald Trump would be a good leader?

    • frost bitten says:

      Interesting perspective. The strongest leader is not one void of emotion to make decisions. Hes the one who knows emotion all to well, yet is still able to make the tough decision. One with out emotion is an un evolved precursor of human kind. As every other, excuse me, most humans grow from experiences, so should our leaders. Superior? Jesus….

  6. A High Functioner says:

    Oh god no, I can’t stand any of the candidates, especially Donald Trump! But I do feel a leader who can make sound and rational decisions with everyone’s well-being in mind, and not just matters of how it will make themselves or others feel, but truly what is the most practical and best solution, is the best all around.

    • positivagirl says:

      Isn’t Donald Trump the type of person to rule without empathy? What is the difference?

      • A High Functioner says:

        The difference is he’s an idiot. He’s famous for his tv shows, that doesn’t make him a fit for presidency.

      • positivagirl says:

        He is an idiot but I would say that all narcissist are. Not that this site is about narcissism psychos hide their intentions better and keep their true self’s hidden narcissist just say it.

      • positivagirl says:

        I do agree doesn’t make him fit for presidency. He is going to flip if he doesn’t get in:) he doesn’t lose.

      • A High Functioner says:

        Yes I really don’t care who wins, since I don’t care for any of the candidates, but I am hoping he doesn’t win.

  7. Ted says:

    I… I think I’m a sociopath. I relate to all of those things exact the using part .. I love my boyfriend, he’s my world. but I do do all of those things quite a bit, always have to tell him how much I love him and always HAVE to know how he feels about me. Can I ” cure ” this ?

    • frost bitten says:

      How sad. Ive just experienced all this for the first time. I didnt think sociopaths were able to love?

      • positivagirl says:

        I don’t think their definition of love is the same as ours frost. They only know what they know. There are also different types, and varying degrees. You can have a disempathetic sociopath, they can have empathy and care for those in a close social group.

      • Frost bitten says:

        Disempathetic sociopath, again this all blown up in my face recenlty haven’t heard that yet. She literally is the poster child for socoiopath, it saddens me beyond belief to have to come to grips with this. Then to read that everything was high as. It’s overwhelming after 9 years. I’m spinning in circles… I guess there isn’t much of a point in understanding.

      • positivagirl says:

        Hey this is normal where you are right now. Stay with it. Keep going. It is confusing (look up the fog of confusion). It gets better, as you separate and detach from them more.

      • Frost bitten says:

        I’ve raised her son since he was 2, only father he’s known. I’d imagine I don’t have a choice but say goodbye for him, at least for now?

      • positivagirl says:

        I don’t know what the answer is. Always do whatever is in the best interests of the child.

      • Frost bitten says:

        I don’t believe I can any longer. As sad as that is. Thank you for taking the time.

        Regards

  8. Psychopath's Opinion says:

    @paul kress – on your rant about psychopaths having children – I agree! This is EXACTLY why I don’t want children. My boyfriend wants to get married and have kids so badly. I have put it off and will continue to. I’ve weighed the options of adopting an older child that will be out of the house for college within a few years; that’s honestly the closest desire I’ve had to having children, and even then I would probably tire of it. However, I know myself well enough to know that having a child, or even adopting one, would most likely be the wrong decision for both myself and the child. I will most likely use this as my excuse for breaking up with my boyfriend one day. He wants children, and I do not – simple.

  9. Lilbit says:

    Wow….I am an intelligent women and I cannot believe my bf of more than 3 years is a sociopath. I stumbled onto sociopath by googling his behavior. So nothing about this relationship has been real? We have a business venture we started together so should I buy him out and just end this now? This is unbelievable.

    • positivagirl says:

      How long have you been in the business together, and how much has he financially contributed towards the business? What makes you think he is a sociopath?

    • frost bitten says:

      Hello Lilbit,

      i to had the holyshit experience when reading about Sociopaths. everything was not just accurate it was like it was written about her. this is sad but i allowed it for nine years. my insides were in constant turmoil. im still trying to put my head around the relationship not being real.. Was there really nothing, nothing at all?

  10. Jayson says:

    Ok, this is mostly true, but we are capable of loving/caring about others in our own way even if we lack empathy. We might not know how to genuinely understand how to love or care. Having some sort of “control” over someone is sometimes are only way of knowing we can trust an individual with our “true identity” (at least for me it is). My best friend who I consider my brother, knows who/how I really am on all aspects of my being and he accepts me for me 100% even though he’s cautious with most of my intentions and the things I say, he tries to understand. He’s thhe only person that I consider family who’s never told me that I “need” to change who I am for whatever reason. That’s the kind of validation that I needed to realize that I can care about someone merely becauase he accepts the fact that I’m a sociopath.

    • positivagirl says:

      This is really helpful. Thank you. Esp as you say “having control is only way can trust them with your true identity”. I hadnt thought of it like that. I wrote post recently when post is most hidden is where there is least connection to you. This would make sense. I was the only one who knew his true identity. So do you try to control your best friend?

  11. Psychopath's Opinion says:

    @jayson thank you! Finally someone else that is commenting from our side of the story. I was feeling like it was 1 vs 1,000 here.

    • positivagirl says:

      I think there are lots that comment from psychopaths opinion on this site. Ok, it is more the victim, but there has always been socios and psychos who have either posted, or written me emails. I have even had psychiatrists, and psychologists writing to me, confessing to being psychos…. mind you – they could be fantasising, as we know the psycho loves to lie…. and pretend…. who knows?:)

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