It might seem like a great idea to warn your sociopaths ex about who he/she is really involved with. This is once again you trying to be ‘nice’.
Remember that the sociopath will always exploit your need to do the right thing, to be nice and good, against you.
What will really happen if you try to warn their new partner
- The sociopath will make you out to be crazy, obsessed and not able to let go
- This will (in the new partners eyes) make him/her seem like a good catch (after all if you can’t let go – he/she has to be great right?)
- The sociopath will have followed the same pattern with the latest victim as with you. Already the sociopath would have assessed – and is now seducing. The sociopath would be grooming the new victim, mirroring back to them the image of ‘perfect person’, the new victim will not want to let this go, no matter what you say. As the sociopath seems so ‘right’ for them, they will only be convinced that you were the wrong person, and they are the right one.
- Warning the new person, will only create a deeper bond between them
- The new person wouldn’t WANT it to be true and wouldn’t believe you anyway
- You are merely giving the sociopath further ammunition against you, to prove just how crazy you are.
The outcome?
Whilst you are trying to do the ‘right’ thing. And trying to prevent the sociopath from hurting someone else. Also, likely partly revenge (why should he/she be happy and you not) and I know the pain of discard hurts – but truly the only outcome would be that you would look crazy, irrational, obsessed. Of course (according to the sociopath) this is why he/she had to leave you.
The sociopath will likely say how controlling YOU were. You contacting the new partner will reinforce this.
The sociopath is a compulsive pathological liar. A person who lies easier than telling the truth. The sociopath enjoys the game of life, and others are merely players in the game. Stop playing the game with the sociopath.
Save yourself further heartache. Focus on YOU and not on the sociopath. Yes you know who this person really is, and you want to stop someone else’s life being ruined like yours has been. Realistically the outcome will only bring further negativity towards you. It will only cause you further heartache and pain. It will make you feel worse.
What to do when you feel a burning desire to reveal all
- Write down your feelings on paper. This will ‘let it out’ – write a letter but never send
- Know that you can only be responsible for you, and your own life. Take care of you
- Try to do something today to make YOU happy. Just one thing. Try to do this every day.
Ultimately know that
- The new person isn’t better than you (no matter what the sociopath says)
- The sociopath WILL treat the new person the same way that you were (and probably worse)
- You cannot change anyone else, or anybody else’s life or destiny, you can only save you
- Realise that you are repeating a negative pattern of behaviour – trying to fix and save others – before fixing YOU
- Bring your focus back to you, and your life
- Know – that in the end the truth WILL come out. Let it go, you know that the sociopath will eventually hang themselves
- The outcome with the new person, will be the same as it was for you. The sociopath will always repeat the same pattern of behaviour.
Remember the lesson that you have learned. You cannot change anybody else, but you can change you. So, if you do get the burning desire to contact the new partner and tell the truth, STOP…. instead write to yourself. Write a letter as if you were writing to them, let it out and let it go…
Love yourself instead… your worth it!! 🙂
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
Luckily it was just a supposed friendship with the sociopath , and we only went on one date never kissed or anything. As much as I wanted to I just couldn’t. I would regret it and tell myself next time I’m going to kiss her. SO GLAD I never did
Love this comment!! My sentiments exactly. And when I think about who I thought that person was, knowing that person never existed in him, my tears dry fast. Nothing worse than being in love with an asshole and being blind about it. Nothing better than waking up enlightened knowing you can see clearly that you realized you dumped a clown and are happy about it.
The next victim was most likely cheating with your sociopath behind your back and therefore deserves what is coming to them!
The book “the sociopath next door” says that you SHOULD out the sociopath before he harms others. So now, I don’t know what to do.
I do know my bf did not tell his new gf about his current wife. Doesn’t she deserve to know he’s married?
Outing him or her, will only keep you in the game with them. They are expert liars and will use this as an opportunity to discredit/ruin/harm/embarrass/humiliate you. How can you out a pathological liar, when they are better at the game? I found Mirroring techniques of them to them, and being more clever, worked better than outing them.
I also disagree. Sociopath / narcissist cannot stand when you out them. In my case the new girlfriend has no clue what she’s in for. But I have four of his exes to verify everything I have to say about him and two of them live in our hometown. Honestly if he doesn’t want to believe me that’s your choice but I wish someone had told me about him would have saved me two years of heartache and 5 months of therapy
I think you have a moral obligation to do so if you can do it without putting yourself in harms way or becoming entangled. Even if they don’t believe you upfront, once they start seeing signs your comments might help them nip it in the bud before they are completely conned. This ‘let it go’ crap is pop psychology at its worst.
I warned the new target and left a lot out that I blocked out, she knows he is a “handful” but loves him. She is going to learn the hard way like I did, I had many warnings and denied them. They know how to suck you in. She did mention to me that she thinks she will be talking to me again. She seems like a great person but like they do he is using her .
I was warned by the ex too. I didn’t want to believe her. We only believe what we want to. Sometimes a comforting lie, is better than the harsh reality of truth.
I think all targets, victims, and survivors deserve to know what they’re dealing with. The biggest problem in dealing with relationships and the people involved is that they believe(and rightfully so) that what they have is private, intimate, and just between the 2 involved. As it should be, but when dealing with narcs, it never is. I think the more victims learn to trust their gut instincts and when posed the question of infidelity in their relationship, they should be peaked to take a look at the additional buzz toward their relationship. We all know with narcs what’s done in the dark tends to stay there if no one looks.
I’ve seen people get upset when being told that their significant other has been spotted cheating and feel like those people should mind their business, and deep down I think they know what’s happening and being told is a blow to their ego regarding what they believed is a good relationship. It hurts to know and find out that the one you gave your everything to is splitting that with someone else.
I think the best thing is to out the narc, but do it in a way where you have facts and not just hearsay. Bring the proof and let the narc take the heat, but also let your friend know you will be there to support them. Make sure you’ll be there with more than just your shoulder and some Kleenex, help that friend figure a way out.
If we don’t warn people then we are enabling narcs to get away with it again. It’s not about us, it’s not about the narc.. it’s about the fact that it has to stop! NOBODY warned us, so we weren’t even given the chance to know what we would have done different. I agree it should be done anonymously since there is no way to not have a consequence come back on us and there is less of a chance for the narc to explain it away
This website is about socio and psychopathy. Not narcissism. The information is accurate for dealing with one.
I am unsure why you are writing about narcs when the website is clearly about sociopathy which is very different to narcissism.