It can get quite creepy in the room, when you are faced with ‘silence’. The sociopath, after however long of
- Drama
- Attention seeking
- Accusations
- Lying
- Bombardment
- Deception and illusion
- Often mindless, constant chatter (about nothing at all) – usually about the sociopath
- Narcisstic rages
- Ownership and possession
Has suddenly left your life after either you called time on the relationship, or they decided that they were bored, confused, or just wanted to teach you a lesson. Usually they will say
See you around, thanks for everything. I am sure that we will both meet someone else. After all, we wouldn’t have a problem….
That is it. Bingo, they are out of your life. From constant bombardment, there is nothing. Nothing but silence.
This time is the most confusing of all. You have been constantly bombarded, and now nothing. Likely, only the day before the sociopath was declaring love for you.
What is really going on during this period of silence?
Remember that for the sociopath two things are more important than anything
- Winning
- Being in control
In your mind, if somebody ‘loved’ you, they would fight for you, right? So this silence, cuts like a knife through your heart. The silence is almost deafening. It reinforces what you already knew, that your partner never loved you. In the silence you start to grieve.
What is really happening is that when you end the relationship, or try to establish your own rights, the sociopath, now sees that they are no longer winning, or being in control. The silent treatment is a way to both get back control (now that they are ignoring you) once again they are ‘winning’.
The reality is this:
- The silent treatment is a form of control to hurt and punish you
- That the sociopath will (unfortunately) come back (almost always)
- It might feel like the sociopath has dropped off a cliff – but he/she hasn’t. Likely they already know (they have assessed you) what your reaction will be to the silent treatment. Once again they are managing to manipulate you through your emotions
- It doesn’t mean that you are worthless, or necessarily that he/she has found someone/thing better. Often it just means that the sociopath is playing the game.
If you are hurting right now, please remember, that if somebody loved you, why would they not care about your feelings? Why would they want you to be hurt? Yes it is normal to take time out after a fight. The sociopath is not taking time out, they are deliberately manipulating you, playing the game to take back control, and win.
The only way out of this vicious cycle (which will repeat for as long as you allow it) is to stop playing the game. Remove yourself. Stop playing. Get out. Stay out. Focus on you.
You cannot change the sociopath and their behaviour towards you, but you can change you, and your response to their behaviour.
It is not your fault. There is nothing that you did to either deserve or cause this. In fact nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. The behaviour is repeated behaviour because of the way that the sociopath sees the world. In the sociopaths mind, life is a game. People are objects to be used to achieve their own agenda, and get what they want.
Try to now think of you. its time for YOU to be a winner and for YOU to take back control over your own life. Use this time to take back control. YOU decide to establish no contact. See the articles in healing and recovery about No contact, how to establish no contact, the benefits of doing so that each day of ‘silence’ you can celebrate your freedom.
You have lost nothing – whilst you were with the sociopath you were losing. You were losing yourself. Now you are free. It might feel strange at first. Just take one day at a time. The sociopath will be back in touch – that is almost certain.
Each day that the sociopath is out of your life, you are winning!!! Because you are winning back you!! No longer are you losing (yourself) so celebrate this freedom. Celebrate the silence. Focus on you, and focus on healing and recovery. You really ARE worth it 🙂
All rights reserved Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
Thank you all….It sooooo odd that all their traits are the same as one another…..Each story I read, they all have the same outline. They are empty, they cant feel emotion! obviously I wanted revenge but after hearing all these comments, he is not worth it…He just want that reaction to assess and to strike harder….like they have no care so nothing for them to loose.
Im still in the early stages….I am greatful im getting help and listening to others is comforting because your not alone.
A lot of ppl will never understand because they was never in it. I mean 1 of my friends was like ”how did you not know he was married? or have a child’
Simple answer ”he engaged with my family, had believable reasons when not with me, I see him enough to not question”
Still she don’t understand which frustrates me!!!! She probably thinks I should have noticed – that’s easier said than done, when your planning a baby and get the deeds sent through to buy your flat???
These sociopaths/pyscopaths engage with the strong and kind and break them to little to nothing.
That’s their life vicious cycle-how shit is that….extremely!
this is a lesson and I will look out for the signs in future… obviously trusting in the future will take time. I know I! have a lot to deal with but with help from others that believe in you, I WILL OVERCOME THIS
You are overcoming it. Stay focused, stay strong. Don’t worry about the opinions of others, you are the only one who have made a travel to “hell” and you are the only one who can recall what it is. What it is important is to find your way to a better place, far far away of “Pinocchio” land.
Thank you all for advice on all of this … It’s reassuring to know I’m not to blame… And also it helps as he emailed the other day with “we need to talk let me explain” there is absolutely nothing to explain!!! I was close to reply with anger but I didn’t in the end I left it but it was really hard, i wanted to tell him “f you”
I did not reply I will not play into his game… Like I said I’m now receiving help and no matter how upset and hurt and overwhelmed I am with the situation… HE IS NOT WORTH IT. Compulsive liar and never to blame, that ain’t love… I feel weak but no mater how long it takes I know for sure I do not wnt to return to this cycle… It’s like rock bottom!!! ( no body want to be here)
No. you are not to blame. Did you sign up to be lied to? Did you sign up for a life of being deceived and cheated on?
No…. its not your fault.
I can recognize that 2 men I have had relationships with are clearly sociopaths. I have been seperated from my husband for 10 years but he wont willingly give me a divorce. I question myself as to if he is a sociopath as well. Most of the time I dont think that he is, and I do know that he is passive aggressive. But then I dont know of any steadfast information about them not having co-occuring disorders. He appears Mr Normal and never causes a problem for anyone (on the surface). He is a workaholic and creature of habit. He does not like change at all. However, he seems to find joy in my feeling stuck. He acts real honest, unless it is to his benefit. He will never give you what you want or need. He does the silent treatment. He instills fear by telling you the bad that will happen with any change. He has colluded with my adult daughter in doing things such as messing up my bank account and keeping me off balance. I have come to believe that my daughter, age 25 is a sociopath, but do not understand how she has gotten to be this way. Is there a passive aggressive sociopath?
Perfectly stated testimony. I felt as I was writing your story and experience. Thank you for being so real and outspoken!
Talking to other ppl makes u sound krazy. You arent and it isnt love punish them by not looking for them and lie about everything dont ever show them emotion look happy say confusing things dont let ur moral compass make u tell the truth lie for no reason bcz this is not a real person ur talking to a mastermind manipulator ur playing chess… My sociopath husband of 2 kids is calling my phone right now and ive educated myself enuff that its barely affecting me i see it was all a lie so all the energy i put trying to prevent his cheating seeking plastic surgery feeling like crap about myself in every area….. Im healing faster im happy again i have scars but i know it wasnt me.. And i am brining awareness about these soul suckers. Hes not my husband he demonposessed
Keep going may!
Brokenandlow,
Sending you a hug free!!
Thank you all for advice on all of this … It’s reassuring to know I’m not to blame… And also it helps as he emailed the other day with “we need to talk let me explain” there is absolutely nothing to explain!!! I was close to reply with anger but I didn’t in the end I left it but it was really hard, unwanted to tell him “f you”
I did not reply I will not play into his game… Like I said I’m now receiving help and no matter how upset and hurt and overwhelmed I am with the situation… HE IS NOT WORTH IT. Compulsive liar and never to blame, that ain’t love… I feel weak but no mater how long it takes I know for sure I do not wnt to return to this cycle… It’s like rock bottom!!! ( no body want to be here)
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your insights and this blog with the world. I married a sociopath. Even though my life was hell for 6 years while living with him and his daughter, I was too afraid for my life to leave. Finally, it was he who chose to get divorced. I took the opportunity and ran with it. Looking back now it appears that he found another victim about 6 months before deciding to discuss divorce. Thank God he found her it made getting out much easier for me, not that the divorce process was easy or painless. Believe me he made it chaotic, crazy and very hurtful. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I so appreciate everything you have posted here. Reading your articles has really helped put more of the puzzle pieces in their rightful places. Blessings to you.
Hi Shamanhealer 🙂
Welcome to our wonderful network of support & understanding that was all started by Pos 🙂
You will find a lot of understanding here & I have a feeling judging by your name that you will bring a lot of love & light with you 🙂
You are not alone & we appreciate your presence here 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
This help me understand alot I’m Hurting because he treated me poorly and put the blame on me for his poor actions and being afraid for losing him and wasting time I accept him back into my life and he came back to only use me once again than in a blink of a eye disappear giving me the silent treatment like I don’t even exist or deserve a explanation like just a piece of crap and anybody else is worthy of his time but me. It’s been 3 weeks going on almost a month. I’ve been feeling good than go back to feeling confusion and anger and heart break and worthless it’s the worst feeling especially since from childhood I been abandon alot by people I loved and for this to happen just opens up the wound once again and bringing more pain . Even though I understand now why things happen I still live in a sense of denial that this is happening to me . I start to feel like any other woman he will treat better than me and he just didn’t want me It hurts . I feel like I’m left questioning everything with no closure of why ? Why would he come over to see me be all nice act concern about my life to only use me and go on about his life giving me the silent treatment it hurts I will never fully understand but I know I have to move on I just hate that I still love him and wish he would be here even though I know he isn’t a good person and is toxic. It’s just sucks I feel defeated and like he won .
Hi Cynthia—I just read your post here and I have felt EXACTLY like you have—that I’m the only one he treated bad, that the other woman he treats better, he tried to blame me, he disappeared regularly and would come back with some pity play to reel me in, that everyone else was worth his time but not me, that I wanted to know why, no closure. I AM SO SORRY YOU FEEL THIS WAY but as I’ve learned, our feelings are not fact, they are responses to situations and events. You are worthy, you are not less than anyone else, HE IS. He is a manipulator and liar and user. I don’t even have to know the specifics to know that he is the one who is wrong here—you should not be made to feel this way, your feelings do matter. He’s not the important one, you are. If he can’t see it, then he’s not worth your time. I know it’s so hard, because they get you in this cycle where they build you up with lies and promises and then disappear, but you are not to blame for this. I spent three years letting the sp in my life do this to me, but now that I found out for sure what he was doing behind my back and I have had No Contact, I am finally feeling better, like myself, and free. I hope you can stop interacting with him completely because as hard as it seems, it’s the only way to escape their incredible cruelty. You don’t deserve to feel this way and it’s not your fault!!
Cynthia, turst that he won’t treat any other woman any differently…I too had/have this with my female SP…thinking that she was having a great relationship with someone and treating them better…but of course she isn’t…and he didn’t “win” anything…this is a entirely losing game sp’s play…without feelings, life is a dead game…and in that sene they are the walking dead…
Like 😄
Hi Cynthia,
What u just wrote could have been me four months ago. Identical. I feel your pain. I know your pain. It does get easier though I still have bad days. But they are few and more like bad hours rather than days. The hardest part is the lack of understanding why? What happened? Even though now I fully believe he is a sociopath, when I have those bad hours I have to go through all his sociopathic behaviours in our relationahip to reemphasise the what and why. As that is the only answer I will ever get. I too was abandoned young multiple times by family and friends so its hard not to think the issue is mine, but it’s not. It was him. My issue was choosing the wrong man. Emotionally unavailable like my dad and sister.
My advice? Keep reading all about it till you’re sick of it. Look at healing your inner wounds. The ones from your past. Read up on that. I started reading about codependency – it was an eye opener.
Peace
Xx
This was a very helpful article for me. I can’t believe other people have gone through this, I feel like the only one. And, I didn’t even know people like this existed until I recently rekindled a relationship with my high school sweet heart. I was on the rebound from a husband I’d had for 18 years and was very lonely. My old bf contacted me on facebook and we fell into this torid affair which was fun at first! He showed me such a good time, did everything I wanted to do, said all the right things. But I started noticing some weird things like he let me pay for too much and he never thanked me. He never really asked but I felt strangely indebted to him. like I owed him certain things. He just went on as if my paying was perfectly normal. I also noticed that he often didn’t seem to have normal responses to things, he was paranoid about the government and suspicious of everybody. He believed that everything was a conspiracy and that he had some kind of special powers to talk to dead people. His ideas about life were bizarre and he talked in circles. He also had rage toward his ex-girlfriend, another old friend of mine. ONe time he got jealous over someone who had flirted with me and he over-reacted, berated me for facts about it. He browbeat me until I told him who it was and all the details. I felt like he was going to blow! I got scared and left and he got in his car and followed me around. I finally called him on my cell and got him to leave me alone, but by the time I got home…I WAS MISSING HIM!!! WTH?? I was doubled over in pain from regret over having left him and we got back together immediately. I don’t know how, but my brain seemed to have dropped out of my head and onto the floor. He wanted me to close my facebook account and unfriend his old gf, but I refused and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He started cussing me, calling me horrible names, threatening me, sending me vile and vicious texts and emails. Then he said he was going to contact my children and tell them terrible things about me and spread rumors all over facebook. He and a few of his “sycophants” began cyber-bullying me and had a whole rant dedicated to innuendo about me and his ex girlfriend. (Now, keep in mind, we are in our 50’s…) Anyway, during all this, I’ve had to: get my phone number changed, fill out a police report, have my brother stand up to him for me, block him on facebook, twitter and email, and my daughter has had to ask him to leave her alone. Now, here’s the kicker: I miss him. I feel empty and like a loser without him. I cannot figure out what has happened to me and where my self-esteem has gone. But I think he’s seeing someone else because all of a sudden all the ranting has stopped and – I MISS IT. Oh my gosh. This article was a godsend. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone, that what I’m feeling and doing is not unique, and that there is life after a sociopath. Thank you.
I’m not going to lie. I am really confused right now and trying to work my ex out…
I confronted and exposed him about his numerous cases of infidelity throughout our 5 years together and 3 years of marriage. Naturally he was livid. Not that I found out, but that I confronted some of the women he was with – go figure. I then found out that he has been in a 15 month relationship with a woman who has just given birth to his baby (imagine, I gave birth in early this year and she gave birth last month – so that explains where you were when I was pregnant)… after all the revelations and confrontations from some of the other women’s partners to him, he changed his number… somehow I was able to obtain it. When i rang him to ask why he did this to me (if only I read this site before I would have saved myself time asking because it wasn’t like I was going to get the real truth) he was beyond livid at how did I obtain his new number. At no point of his sociopathic rant and rambling of a conversation did he express remorse, guilt or shame at his betrayal of my trust. No he was incensed that I (his WIFE) had his new number and wanted to know how I got it. After me pointing out what he had done, his response was “Oh I’m the bad guy, I’m the bad guy” (well duh!!)… Anyway needless to say, he has changed his number again. I have no interest in finding out what it is.
But my question is, is his changing his number a form of Silent Treatment (bare in mind he has my number and could contact me whenever – which he hasn’t – but I have no way of contacting him regarding our child) or is his changing of his number just his way of running away and cutting me/us completely out of his life? Please note I am using this time of ST as a form of NC as I do have contact details of the other woman, but I wouldn’t dream of contacting her even though I’m filing for divorce…
Oh the woman who he just had the baby with. Who he was ‘cheating on’ too. She took him back…
Hi IWillRise 🙂
Yes you will rise 🙂 🙂
He doesn’t like being found out & they are cowards so, avoidance is their game.
They like to be in control so, yes he can ring you but, he does not want you calling him!
He is a real loser & I am so sorry he has put you & your child through all this, it should be a happy time not a nightmare 😦 so,so sorry 😦 😦
Still you will Rise 🙂 & you & your child are now free of the monster.
It takes time & the damage they do is horrendous but, you must remember it’s a reflection of him, not you & you have seen the full Sociopath take flight 😦
Good for you for having the guts to confront other women, that takes courage & bravery so, you already possess a great deal of power 🙂
My Soc was revealed to me after 10 years, by the OW who he had gaslighted etc…he had been living with her for 12 months & seeing her for 3 1/2 years when she discovered me.
It’s such a saga but, I just wanted to let you know that the OW in my story also decided to stay & it’s called ‘torture by triangulation’.
The Soc makes the OW feel like she’s won him!! They lie & manipulate & promise that she is the ‘one’ ha! One of many ;( 😦
Oh what a prize they have inherited from us (not) but, they will walk the same road poor loves 😦 it can take years & then they are dumped & left reeling as we already know.
I am doing really well but, am older, no kids with the Soc (thank goodness) & was living independently regardless of him so, I have picked up the pieces, done therapy, meds (just a little mood enhancer) & heaps of great support & lots of champagne & chocolate, exercise etc…the healing’s are great & worthwhile so, follow Pos’s advice when your up to it as it’s such a process. I am 8 months down the track of NC & off to Bali with girlfriends next week:)
EAT/PRAY/LOVE 🙂 🙂
You are not alone, just keep reading & learning & sharing & never doubt that you are wonderful, that’s what attracts these losers.
They want to be us because, they are empty really…just voids to be avoided.
Take care of you & your baby 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
PR – thank you for your response… yes I know the OW thinks she’s the cat that has got the cream, but wait when that cream sours!
Very interesting this ‘torture by triangulation’.
While I am angry/jealous that he is making a ‘life’ with this woman, creating memories with her and their newborn and not me (believe me when I say I am reading the post on when a soc moves on to get me through these feelings), I know my daughter and I are better off without him – just hurts. But yes I Will Rise…
Enjoy Bali!
IWR xx
His changing his number is a form of control. He knows your number and can call it when he wants. It’s again about them knowing all about your life yet keeping their own life private.
Also, if you cant contact you can’t ask him for money or to pay financially. .
What a nightmare situation. How are you feeling in yourself?
HI PG… To be honest, I feel exhausted. At times relieved, at times scared, at times sad, in despair, fearful and excited for the future. I ask the questions ‘why me’, ‘what did I/we do to deserve this treatment’ but then I hold onto the fact that a) he has done it before and will do it again b) this is not a reflection on me or my daughter. I feel a sense of jealousy. Not that I want him back but that this girl is creating memories (however unreal they are on his part) with her and their baby, as if my baby means nothing to him…
To be honest I do not want anything from him apart from a divorce. In the time since our daughter has been born, he has not so much as bought her a pair of socks, or nappies or toys (in fact when I asked him for some money to buy her toys, he asked me what does she need toys for?!)
I’m glad I’m finally out of it – I get solace in that I ended the relationship at least a month before all these bombshells happened. But naturally during that month he was saying the words of reconciliation, but his actions were otherwise. He was/is a nasty piece of work. I literally put my life on hold for him. To the point where I now do not know where to start in terms of setting goals for me and my daughter’s life.
I’m having counselling which is helping. I know I wasn’t at fault, i just need to believe and accept that…
x
Ok now im peed off… so heard from one of mother’s of my exes kid (does that make sense? my exes daughters mum) who was hounding me last week cos she couldn’t get through to him, she was literally breaking down (and they haven’t been together in 14 years)…
Anyway she messaged me to say they’ve heard from him (she was beyond happy) and it peed me off. 1) we’re not friends so I don’t want to know and 2) so you (ex the soc) can contact your first daughter but not me your wife who you have an 8-and-a-half-month old-baby daughter with!!
Why am I so bothered?? i know he is a nasty piece of work, who abandons their child? 3 weeks and no word from him! i know he is toxic but our daughter is innocent…
just feel he has this control over us all…. im actually angry (dare i say jealous) that one of his children has heard from him but he hasn’t contacted to see how his baby girl is…
That must hurt!!
You have married a man had a child, and thought created a family. Yes, ok, everyone has a past. But how old is his daughter with his ex? If they split 14 years ago?
Or did he bail out on her when his daughter was a baby too?
He bailed out on her when she was a baby – surprise surprise. The daughter is 14 years old and lives overseas. Seriously he has kids all over the place (I only found this out 3 weeks ago) needless to say he doesn’t provide for any of them… oh except for the new current one… don’t know for how long though… probably this is the one that he will change for – look! There’s a pink pig flying outside! ;o)
Yep they love to give the illusion they are about to make a full recovery 🙂 🙂
Hi I Will Rise 🙂
The Soc is playing with your emotions & just using ‘torture by triangulation’ re the OW’s even the contact with the past OW.
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/
have a look at this site, another great tool for awareness/knowledge 🙂
The other OW was just like you 14 years ago but, the difference is you have knowledge & that is POWER 🙂
I am off to Bali 🙂 😉 so, be brave & strong & look after you & your child 🙂
Your Soc is not worthy of you or your love, you & your baby are 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
THANK YOU! I’ve been writing in my journal how I have been feeling today, was like 1 step forward and 2 steps back… The good thing is I know what triggered it so time to do some eliminating of people connected to him.
Have fun in Bali xxx
Yay YOU….I Will Rise….keep rising 🙂 I am proud of you 🙂
I will have a brilliant time & be thinking of you all here so, be good & be happy 🙂
PR xoxo
I will rise try audio journalling too. It can be really useful. As you hear emotion in your voice. It can help to reclaim you. Apps like evernote are good and password protected.
Shock horror! Guess who rang me? Yep you guessed right the stupid soc… naturally acting as if nothing is wrong but telling me that his OW has got some letters in the post – LIKE I CARE! PG and PR I kept the conversation incredibly short and told him I am busy and I have no time to talk to him. I can’t (but then again I can) believe the audacity of him (and her lol)… I’m sure he was meant to withold his number but it wasn’t but I tell you I have NO plans to ring him. I am going to exercise this NC and get on with me life. What a rollecoaster of events and emotions. I need to be in control of this…
x
Oh no, you can bet he DIDN’T mean to withold the number. HE wanted you to have it. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised is there was NO LETTERS being waited for.
Sounds sick? Yep these are sociopath games. What he is saying
– Here is my number
– Remember me
– How are you doing?
– What is your state of mind (assessment)
– What are you doing?
– Why haven’t you contacted me? Do you have my number?
He didn’t see that there was anything wrong calling you, after all, he doesn’t care about anything.
WELL DONE YOU for not displaying emotion!! I hope you treated him like a business connection. Be a blank canvas, display no emotion. DELETE his number
I know you said this would happen but the audacity and the boldness! Yep number is deleted. I will not be pulled down to their levels….
it will though…. as now it will mull over in your mind. its like breaking no contact (he has) – which can trigger the addiction (dependent on how long you have been free). So expect feelings to rise that perhaps you thought were buried.
This was deliberate on his part (remember the acts that they do to create dependency and addiction). So stay strong and don’t be disheartened if this sets you back a step or two.
Additionally, what you also have to remember is that a sociopath wouldn’t contact you for letters for his new partner. He wouldn’t do this. In his mind whilst with the new one he is occupied. He only does anything if it has a benefit for him.
Go careful…. as he could be trying to get his foot back in the door. remember that they love to plant seeds of thought into your mind – they are master manipulators and deceivers.
You know compared to how I felt yesterday, what it confirmed to me is that I am better off without him and this ST and my subsequent NC was making me create scenrios (sp) where I was questioning my own sanity and getting angry at the way he was treating us and especially our daughter. What the conversation did was say to me ‘I can do this, we are better off without him’ …
TBH I always asked myself how would I feel/what would I say should he ring me, and I was actually speechless when he rang because I didn’t think he would ring. Can I point out at no point did he ask after our daughter…
I know for a fact that I do NOT want him back. I will stay strong. I know it burnt him that I didn’t ask any questions (apart from asking who he was talking about regarding the OW’s name – he couldn’t tell me his wife what the OW was/is to him – I just wanted to see how he would label her)…
While I should be shocked I am not, because as you have explained he has done this before. He has an ulterior motive… Knowledge truly is power and knowing what I know now especially from your posts, it gives me the tools to see and act upon his actions…
@positivagirl
Yes that’s so true. I haven’t been writing lately as I have been ‘few steps back’, kind of sank back to depression… Now when I sent those emails which exposed him… I feel like only now my real ‘no contact’ has begun. All this time I was lingering with this ‘exposing him’ seed in my mind and it was ‘a contact’. Now, when that is done, I feel that there is nothing else to do regarding him in future and … I don’t know, maybe because I have some health issues worsened (not anything too serious thankfully but still) so I just feel without will, lethargic, I stopped doing yoga etc… and I know I have to start again. Although, I do all my other obligations (work etc) so I didn’t sank too much hopefully. I just need to discipline myself and work on myself again… I have been reading all your comments though and it helps me keep moving on… I am also saddened because I think my closest family member (older sister) is a sociopath… and I feel threatened because she lost her job a year ago (everything fits, lack of long term goals, lying, superficial charm, manipulative) and I think she will stay without a roof over her head soon… hope she won’t move in my place… at least you can break up with a sociopath, but what to do with a sociopath as your closest family member?
I will Rise…wow, he sounds like a winner! You are right, he has no remorse whatsoever…these people just don’t…that too has been so hard for me via my ex sp: that she doesn’t have the slightest remorse for the terrible things she has done, is doing and how terrible that makes me feel and has affected me deeply…in fact, she enjoys the torment. Here I am seeing a therapist, going on anti depressants for the first time in my life, really struggling…and she is just swanning and flitting around my small town with guy after guy and living it up. He most likely gets off on the torment as well. His changing his number was a way of covering tracks as it sounds like a few folks are on to him and his game. I would change your own number and not worry about him as a parent…let the court decide whether he can be in your child’s life or not. Hopefully not…but be sure to take him to the proverbial cleaners btw…..
I have learned no contact is the only way to go no matter what the circumstance.
Hi Cash – tbh, he doesn’t want contact – among the many revelations was finding out how many kids he does have (a football team) and he does not provide financial assistance to any one of them. The OW is only getting the illusion of him. Ironically enough when I spoke to her, everything she told me about him was exactly what he told me when we first met. Only difference is he changed the names of his ‘characters’… You seriously couldn’t make it up if you tried.
I just want a divorce and a clean break from him. Whatever he wanted from me and my family he has got, so good luck to him. He will NEVER change and it must literally suck to be him.
As they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so we have to see ourselves as survivors and feel sorry for those who know what’s going on and chose to stay. Says alot about them and their self image.
Cash the mere fact that we are on sites like these sharing our stories shows we are strong and will get over this! It takes a bigger person to talk about it and look at it in retrospect.
xx
Rise…I think his not having contact with your daughter would be a godsend actually…and you are right, we will get over this…you seem to have a very good attitude and are dealing well with it…I myself know it has been hard to actually fully accept the fact that this wasn’t “me”…and our nature when so rejected is to blame ourselves or think of something we should or shouldnt have done, said…whatever…the problem with these people is good intentions, kindness, love, respect are all taken as weapons to be used by them to destroy and manipulate…it is so sad and sick…I wish you nothing but the best Rise and of course you didnt deserve any of this…
@Cash, yes definitely a blessing that he has no contact with her. It would be detrimental to me and her. Thank God she is at a young age that this saga is not affecting her – well I hope it’s not… I know he will not go the legal route as a) he doesn’t want to spend money, b) he HATES being told what to do and being made to look inferior and c) he doesn’t see or provide for his other kids so why would he do that for our daughter.
No doubt he is blaming me for everything and painting me to be the wicked witch of the east – if it means freedom then I am cool with that. His family was in on it too – so I feel they’re all rotten. But you can’t expect an apple tree to bear pears hey?
Keep strong. No matter how long it took us to get out, what matters is we’re out right? And yes I do question myself and think what did I do wrong, but I know I emotionally and spiritually killed myself to make him love me, only to know that this is him and his wicked ways.
x
I always think that what I did wrong was thinking that “with me everything will be different”. His “curriculum vitae” talks about who he really is an I decided to believe his words not his actions or his history
Ditto NMI 🙂
We all get consumed with their words not their actions as my Soc was a known womaniser & cheat yet, I gave him the benefit of the doubt as usual & chose to judge him for myself & past history had already taught me that when it comes to men my judgement is poor (oops I did it again! 😉 oh well, still I had to go this road to really ‘get it’.
The worst part was, I had assumed his integrity was his own, not a reflection of mine.
I didn’t know what a Sociopath truly was is a romantic sense so, it’s good to know that my own integrity & trust is still intact & I just have to remember to trust my own instincts & not assume they are another’s…i.e..my moral coding belongs to me & even I’m not perfect but, at least I have a basic sense of right & wrong when it comes to hurting others whereas the Soc doesn’t care one iota!
We all must remember that our own selves’ whilst not perfect, do not have an agenda that it predetermined by selfish needs & that we basically are good decent people that the Soc’s need to covet us for all our foibles but, mainly our strengths 🙂
We enter partnerships to thrive & grow together not, to destroy & abandon 😦 alas this is the Soc’s prime objective, take, use & move on & on & on….endless gaming forever.
Hell of an existence really 😦
I was listening to ‘Feel’ by Robbie Williams & it always makes me think of a Sociopath,
the line about preparing to leave before he falls in love, makes me wonder if the Soc is on an eternal quest to feel anything ever????
So they leave before they arrive so to speak, they are never really there to begin with.
“Feel”
Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I’ve been given
I sit and talk to God
And he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language
I don’t understand
I just wanna feel
Real love feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
I don’t wanna die
But I ain’t keen on living either
Before I fall in love
I’m preparing to leave her
Scare myself to death
That’s why I keep on running
Before I’ve arrived
I can see myself coming
I just wanna feel
Real love feel the home that I live in
Cos I got too much life
Running through my veins
Going to waste
And I need to feel
Real love and the love ever after
I can not get enough
I just wanna feel
Real love feel the home that I live in
I got too much love
Running through my veins
To go to waste
I just wanna feel
Real love and the love ever after
There’s a hole in my soul
You can see it in my face
It’s a real big place
Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living
Not sure I understand
This role I’ve been given
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand
I pity the Soc more now as I cannot imagine never feeling pure joy & happiness…such a waste really….I’d much rather cry when I’m sad than to sit emotionless & I’d rather feel overwhelming joy when a baby is born, & truly feel my heart swell with love when I see the people I care for most in the world happy :)….
Soc’s can’t, & that’s a terrible shame for them but, not us 🙂
As sad as they have made us all, at least we do ‘FEEL’ 🙂 & that’s the proof that they haven’t destroyed us, even sadness is a sign life… 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
That’s so true, as a friend said to me, “I prefered to be you than he, I prefered to be able to love, to be able to cherish to be able of being loved, than unable to feel anything”.
Right now I’m on a point where I want to put all the tears, the suffering and deception on good use with how I do my work and on my personal life (I will trust my instincts, I wouldn’t plea to be loved again, I would speak my mind and I will trust the actions not the words) I don’t know what life have to me, but I have a better
me to offer for the life with all my scars, but with my smile intact. The pathway has been really difficult, and I’m very grateful. I can say I love him without any doubt or fear, he will never be able to say this about anybody, as an spanish poem says “pasaras por la vida sin saber que pasaste” (it’s something like “you will live your life without knowing you live it”) Blessings and strenght to all of you, keep strong, a better way is just a step away.
@No More Insanity… I can definitely vouch for that. I thought irrespective of his previous relationships where according to him the women were in te wrong, I thought I would be the one where everything is different. How wrong was I?! The extent to which he has tried to humiliate me is nothing short of wicked… We’re talking purposely missing a flight to go to the Caribbean for my family’s reunion purely because he ‘didn’t want to and didn’t have any money’… bare in mind I paid for his flight so that was £800 down the drain…
My ex did this too. He knew it drove me absolutely crazy when he’d ignore me. And would make me end up forgetting whatever it was I was mad about and would start basically begging him to come back and saying I’m sorry. That happened every time he gave me the silent treatment. He completely had me figured out.
There is a great song by Liza Minelly that describes all of us ” Sorry I said “
@Ladybug
I also posted in some of the earlier comments about that song. Yes it’s exactly about us… huh 😦 We have to fight not to stay psychologically trapped by a sociopath trauma, like Lisa in this song.
Hi PR 🙂
That is a great observation about the “Feel” song. I think that’s very true! They already know their pattern of behavior “Before I fall in love
I’m preparing to leave her” and “Before I’ve arrived
I can see myself coming” … and some of them (like my ex) know there is something wrong with them so some of them are kind of thinking about it (like Robbie in this song)
Now when I look back I can totally relate to the lines “Come and hold my hand
I wanna contact the living” … The first romantic ‘move’ my ex spath did with me was when we lay on the beach one beside other… and then in one moment he put his hand over mine… I did not respond and the next day he repeated it… then I did and held his hand… he then said “Now..I’m happy” It was really so nice … who would ever think that he was actually such a pervert, liar, cheater and pathological deceiver. So yes I didn’t know then that to him it was “come and hold my hand, I wanna contact the living”. How can a normal person at all know about the existence of these kind of people before they stung you and you struggle for your life afterwards? Huh. But this song is also sociopathic ‘explanation’ and making things about them look better than they really are (another sociopathic deception) because it’s not really that he “wants to contact the living”, actually it is “I want to destroy and abandon the living” because that is what they do. Like someone else recently wrote some comment how her ex spath wrote her a letter where he ‘explained’ their break up making it appear how they want it to appear (my ex spath did that too), it’s all about control. Everything they do is an attempt to brain wash and control, as is, in the end, this song also….make them ‘explain’ themselves the way that sounds better than it really is… They give you a bit of truth to make it convincing so that you don’t see the well hidden psychological influence (false image) they are simultaneously sticking in your head.
Hope you are having great vacation time, look forward to hear from you when you come back 🙂 !
When the sociopath contacts you after months of silent treatment and you are strong enough to ignore him, how do you know that it’s over? Will they give up once you take back control by being the one to dish out the silent treatment?
You just carry on ignoring Patz.
I use blocker for my phone. (I have an android) you can download the app) that way they can’t reach you. And you are not put under the pressure of ignoring.
Just keep going. But a blocker app on your phone and let him call message to his hearts content there.
I need to change email accounts. My spath has hacked my account. How do I do that?
On Sun, Nov 17, 2013 at 3:43 PM, Dating a Sociopath wrote:
> positivagirl commented: “You just carry on ignoring Patz. I use > blocker for my phone. (I have an android) you can download the app) that > way they can’t reach you. And you are not put under the pressure of > ignoring. Just keep going. But a blocker app on your phone and let him ” >
Amazing such a important site.
My sp discarded me and then got engaged. She’s been quiet and hasn’t tried to contact me. You think she will come back again? I was actually prematurely discarded (in my opinion) as one night it came to a head…and she kicked me out of her bed when another guy showed up and I was asked to leave and he just took my spot in her bed. Been about 2 months…She’s now engaged to him. Did I lose her for good?
LB if she is a sociopath – you haven’t said why you think she is? Why would you want her back?
I met this professional woman online in February 2013 and during the first month I didn’t ask her to be in a relationship with me. She liked me as well during that time but she didn’t pursue me either. We spent some weekends together but never actually became an exclusive couple. We eventually went our separate ways and dated others. In April 2013 I came back into her life and we started going out but she said had been seeing a guy for two months but she said she loved me and had always loved me.
Eventually, she asked this other guy for her house key back and told him she wanted to see other people. This was right after her and I went to Philly together for 5 days. However, according to her she did not tell him specifically that he reason for the breakup was me. She had always said that she had never left one man for another man and she didn’t want to start now. So she never actually stopped seeing this other guy and she continued to see me as well.
Over the next three months she and I traveled extensively taking trips out of state, hotels, bed and breakfasts, Eastern Shore, DC on the 4th of July, Atlantic City…etc and having the BEST times every time She was mostly honest with me about still seeing him and which I hated knowing but I accepted. I always when she was going to see him again which is why she told me but I guess I’d rather know than just pretend it wasn’t happening. But I still hated it.
Anyway, during these months, she spent more time with me than him for but it still bothered me that she wouldn’t commit to me. She always lied to him when she was with me…..and as hurtful as it is to admit…she would always post our trips on her Facebook page but I was never tagged or even shown in photos. Her photos consisted of things such as the hotel we were at, sunsets, the restaurants we went to…shows we attended…a landmark…the food/wineglasses at our table……etc…but never once was I shown on FB with her. I have many photos of us together on these vacations but out of respect I didn’t post them on FB either. I let her control the situation. She said she was just trying to spare his feelings and I accepted it because I was hoping that I would eventually be with her forever. That was probably one of the most hurtful aspects of this relationship. Knowing I was being hidden away like she was cheating on a husband or boyfriend. She said she was very confused and often questioned why I didn’t grab her back in February when I had the chance.
When she went out with him though she would post it on Facebook and also tag him which made me feel awful to know she would do that with him but not me. She claimed it was because people assumed they were still dating. She would also disappear for days and not respond to texts or VMs I left…and then once in a while I’d get a text that says “I love you more than you know”. That’s it. Then I’d be ignored again while she’s out having a good time and rubbing my nose in it on Facebook. This was extremely hurtful as well. She always managed to call me days later like everything was okay and always had some kind of excuse.
This woman initially bombarded me with words that made me feel awesome. She said she loved this other guy too but her love for me was different – with me she had such passion. She was IN love with me versus just loving the other guy. She built me up. She said if the other guy left or dated someone else it wouldn’t be a huge deal…but if I were to leave or date someone else it would destroy her. She made me feel so special…and she was so much fun…and I found her to the most beautiful woman in the world. Not a woman alive could make me feel as special as she did. There’s no question I would be there for her forever. Looking back though, I feel I was more addicted to this woman than in love with her.
Anyway, there was always so much drama which went on for months…it took its toll on me…I lost over 40 lbs. That’s a lot of weight for a guy to lose going from 211 down to a low of 169. I don’t know why I couldn’t just leave. It’s like she literally had a spell on me.
So…about two months ago I take her out to eat…we have drinks…we’re having a great time. We go back to her place and it’s around midnight…still having a great time. We’re having some wine, eating some food…in bed…barely dressed…it’s literally the best time of my life to be honest…and then there’s a bang on the door and it’s him. He yelled inside that he knew I was there (my car was out front). I knew she wouldn’t just allow him to stand outside and bang on the door so I opened the door…and to make a long story short…she asked ME to leave and he stayed!! I was completely disgusted; totally devastated. He basically just took my spot in bed. I was totally numb and in a fog. This girl said I meant so much to her. She unfriended me on all social media sites then never called me again. I tried contacting her and was successful sometimes. She says that she unfriended me on all social media sites because she doesn’t want to hurt me anymore by me seeing pictures of him and her together. There’s no remorse though at all. She said she’s going to try to worek it out with this guy. My entire life has been affected. I go to sleep thinking of her. I dream about her. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of her. Why do I feel like this after being treated like this?
I know I managed to upset her a lot when we were together because I was always questioning her when things didn’t make sense. Seemed I took her out of her comfort zone. Seems I should consider myself lucky that she went with this guy and left me alone…but does anyone think she will leave me alone forever? It’s almost like I WANT her to come back. How sick am I??
I kind of figured maybe I was the transitional victim of a sociopath. Sociopaths use some people to satisfy their temporary needs in between long term victims. She always said she loved me but she never actually demonstrated her love to me. Aside from a few dinners at the beginning, she never spent a dime on me. She also never showed remorse or guilt about anything that happened between us. You think she just tried to destroy me emotionally for fun?
Is this just a confused woman who found herself in a love triangle and maybe wanted her cake and eat it too…or is she truly a sociopath? She never talked bad about her exes…she was never EVER rude and she never raised her voice..not even once. Very soft spoken…very good looking and very charming. Lots of people (Male and female) simply adore her. She’s very high on herself as well which I know is a narcissistic trait.
I used to be a healthy guy, but now I’m in therapy…on sleep medication, anxiety medication and something else prescribed to calm my nerves. I’m still a mess.
The last time I spoke with her she said she loved me and would always love me. BTW…she’s just got engaged to this guy and they’re getting married next month.
So…I really can’t bear to have her back in my life…but I do still pine for her. She really did a number on my head. I’m just wondering if she will come back.
The question is, do you want her to come back? Or do you want her to treat you badly? As sociopaths even on their best behaviour, cant help treating people badly, esp when they think they are losing control.
No…I don’t want her to come back…but I’m scared that if she wants to come back I may let her. I pine for this woman…and I hope she never reaches out to me again…but I hear they do come back. Is it most of the time, some of the times, almost always? I’ve been NC for 2 months…hard as hell but it’s getting easier but I think of her everyday. The idealization was awesome….and the devaluation sucked….but I think I was discarded prematurely based on what happened the last night when I got kicked out. I also never got to see her mask completely fall which makes it harder to get over her.
@LB
Her behavior sounds very sociopathic. After he discarded me, my ex spath also signed his mail to me “All my love always”… Yes they “love” you as they also “love” some 1000 other women/men. Typical sociopathic bullshit. Also, the way that she made you sick, that is also a symptom of being abused by sociopath. Stick to no contact… there is no other way. Remember that you only know about this one guy, but with sociopaths, there are tonnes of other things that you don’t know, she probably repeats her behavior all the time – more men in her life, then she kicks some out, and then same same scenario again and again…
i think i have the answer for you… try one of these ideas
go to church..take a class…join the gym..make a new hobby..get on a chat site on the computer…take a week off of work…force yourself to go for a drive…build something…sell everything and start fresh…find you another female friend just to talk to…create a blog…help others less fortunate
update, i experienced the sp silent treatment for 3 months now and about 2 weeks ago i was totally free,,, take it as a blessing,, now if she knocked on my door i would just laugh at her and tell her i would pray for her and her kids
usually it takes 2 to 3 months to get something like this behind you is what i have read and experienced.. so people who are wondering it took about 3 months and i feel like i am totally free again…its almost like, what in the world was i thinking,,the lies, abuse and gaslighting was so bad why did i waste one minute on her? why? well i know why she found my weak spot trying to help her grow spiritually was her ace in the hole..she can seek god on her own is my only response to her if she shows up again.. goodbye crazy sociopath and thank god i am free
Thank you Ron. It’s been over 2 months and I’m
In therapy trying to get back to my old healthy self.
It’s a been a month since I left the apartment I shared with my ex. He went out didn’t tell me where he was going, became verbally abusive and said heartbreaking things. As soon as he went out I left. Haven’t heard from him since. I’m heartbroken. Yes there were signs.. But I really thought we loved each other. How can he just forget that. How could he be so cruel. I know I am better off without him honestly I do, I know God has a bigger plan. I feel a lot better than when this first happened. I just can’t believe I have not heard from him. Silence hurts more I think than his behavior and words. I’m just dropped like a hot potato. It’s so so hurtful. Maybe this is the way I’m finally able to move on is in silence. I’ve been with him for 3 years on and off. This time it’s off for good.
Hi Ashley
I know how it feels. Reading your comment was like reading my experience. Silence does make the loudest noise. Hold tight. Know that God is in control and you will get through this. I promise you. It hurts. I’m still hurting and mine happened in October. Can you imagine he’s my husband. We have a baby girl together and he has made no contact regarding her?! That kills me.
But I know I’m stronger than him and better off without him. They add nothing but destruction to our lives. We don’t need or deserve that.
Be strong. God is a healer. With time you will heal.
Iwillrise thank you for your kind response. I’m so sorry you’re going through the same. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to have a child together and this happen, heartbreaking. But you are right. God has a plan for all of us. Our relationships ended to protect us. It’s so hard realizing and accepting that they are now a stranger- like we never knew them. It really is like a death. You sound like such a strong woman. You will get through this as well.
@Ashley. I don’t feel strong. Tbh everyday is a struggle. It doesn’t help that he had another baby with another woman (who he is currently with) and has abandoned our baby (who is coming up to 10 months) but is playing happy families with this woman and their two-month-old baby. So he was was being unfaithful to me, while I was pregnant he was with another woman and this woman had a baby in October. Needless to say the woman believes or wants to believe his lies. She puts out pictures of their happy home life (my fault for looking). So it pains me that we have been abandoned and he has ‘chosen’ them and not us.
But I know we are better off without him. You are better off without your ex.
We have to believe that everyday we will get stronger. We have to reclaim this Silent Treatment and turn it around into No Contact. For me, I have his new number (oh yeah, he changed his number after I confronted him about his infidelities) but I REFUSE to ring him. I won’t give him that satisfaction.
No matter how unbearable it gets I will just draw strength from God and this website and ride it through.
Things can only get better x
Iwillrise..
I cannot believe that. That’s horrible. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And think pregnancy is supposed to be a time you are most connected to the person you love. I like to think God performed a miracle getting me to leave him, and he certainly did for you too. He knew your ex would not treat you and your daughter right. You and her have your whole lives ahead of you. And you will find someone who loves both of you, genuinely. I’m in the same boat as you, I found my ex on Instagram ( 37 and posting retarded pictures – really)??. Why I searched I don’t know!!! Curiosity! So I feel your annoyance and pain. It’s all a front to make themselves feel better. They don’t have happy lives. They are miserable and always will be. You are very strong and very smart, your daughter is very lucky to have such a loving mother. It’s hard giving advice when I feel upset like you, but I believe in my heart things will get better. Having no closure with them, being in this silence- is god’s path for our healing. And when they come back around, which you know they will- we’ll be strong enough to continue moving on without them.
I’m going through the “silent treatment” stage right now.
After a two year crazy relationship full of ups and downs, I finally called it off after the 6th, yes 6th time I caught her cheating.
She has since moved states and left rather suddenly with a quick, “it was fun, have a great life” I feel completely shattered. I know deep down I am so much better off, but knowing someone I cared so deeply for and gave up so many things for can just not care to have contact with me kills me.
Everyday I try and find a silly reason to text or call her, but I stop myself. My New Years Resolution is to make this year all about me. Focus on myself and finding that fun loving person I used to be.
Welcome to the site Jamie 🙂
When we first met he asked me if i had ever suffered an eating disorder…i hadn’t he was profiling me…two of his past girlfriends had suffered the last one being a drug addict. He was looking for his next victim….
I can really relate to this site and i’m learning a lot from the experience now. I struggled to come to terms with what had actually happened. I fell for the superficial charm. Things got very intense very fast: meeting the parents in the space of days after intimacy, little things like holding my hand, meeting the 7yr old son (son lives with the ex) I thought was a big thing considering we had only just got together, invited to family BBQ where i met more family, friends etc everything seemed to happen at such speed and he seemed to be taking thing serious, i was drawn to him. The constant compliments from him; nice hair, smile, hands list just goes on even commenting on my bag and clothes etc he seemed besotted, felt like there was an instant connection between us, constant texting and emails 24/7 for months. Wanting to see me all the time. I felt like I had met my soul mate..
Then things got a little odd he went cold, i asked him if everything was alright with us and he said yes we are just ‘friends’, thats when the confusion set in, things were very up and down until then completely dropped me out of the blue, he started posting pics with lots of random girls. I thought maybe he is just a womaniser. A few weeks later i run into his mum (who apparently adored me unlike any other gf he had ever had) then lo and behold i hear from him again, we hook up again as if nothing had happened when i start questioning he starts calling me ‘mental’ ‘unstable’ I was completely thrown off by this and then he gives me the silent treatment and i’m left wondering whats going on, he then apologises and says he had a lot going on at work – i was amazed and relieved to get a sorry as i generally started thinking maybe i was wrong to think we were more than friends, maybe the problem is me.
We then spend a few more days together and he turns distant again but invites me to another family BBQ, then completely silent for 6 months – not a single word! I was left very confused and wanting closure so i tried to contact him various times throughout with no response – making myself feel desperado in the process…not good!! THEN i message him last week and he finally replies, super nice and he suggests catching up for coffee – to which i agree…then he starts constant messaging into the night and starts getting very flirty and wanting me to send him a pic of myself! I didn’t respond. The next day relieved we were back on talking terms i text and tried to laugh off the request of a rude pic to which he replies ‘no was i just being a pissed up tw**’ then back to silent treatment – i confronted him via text a couple of days later to ask why the silent treatment and he replied ‘playing it safe’ ‘your madness’ branding me insane, then started personally attacking me. What I don’t understand is that he suggested catching up – which i so desperately wanted – wanting closure. He drunk text me once before the 6 month silent treatment telling me he loved me but found it hard to talk?! But then stating we were friends nothing more.
Since reading the signs theres a lot i can now identify. Things that I thought odd but didn’t think too much of or question…love of masks!! ..and he had drawings of ‘the joker’ from batman on his bedroom wall. The smirk – seriously now know what that meant – he was already done with me. I thought it was infatuation! The mixed signals and the projection – random outbursts, followed by silent treatment and last but not least being in a position of authority – they thrive in them sorts of work environments. I feel its easier in letting go now and i can finally move on with my life.
This site has been so helpful in identifying sp similarities. My SP is a national union rep who loves to fight and win. I have been with him for 8 years and we have a house together (which I had to put in my name because he claimed bankruptcy), which has infuriated him ever since because his name isn’t on the title. He is a massive partier and drinker but always takes it easy if he has a busy day at work the next day. My job is a regular 9-5, Monday to Friday type of job and he and 2 of his children have no consideration for me having to get up for work and play blasting music until 4 – 5 in the morning. It all came to a head last weekend when he was out of town and his son had an all night party until 6:00 in the morning (I didn’t confront him or go to his basement apartment), on the Sunday we had words. Of course his dad (my SP) totally sides with him.
The son actually moved out through the week and my SP has given me the silent treatment ever since. We are in agreement to sell the house (but it may take some time as the homes in my area tend to take a while to sell). In the meantime it is like torture living here. As soon as I get home from work, he goes out and has been sleeping in the basement apartment (that his son just moved out of). The parties have been numerous and extreme over the years so this was inevitable. I know I am going to miss him tremendously, but he would never stand up for me or have my opinions respected. He has completely controlled our entire relationship. I changed jobs to be closer to him and then bought an expensive house. He was generous when we first started seeing each other but it was all lies and deception, he was actually broke and claiming bankruptcy and I didn’t know it. I am now much worse off financially, but I still have hope and know that I will rebuild. We had some exciting times and wonderful trips at the beginning, but we’ve done nothing but fight and argue for the past few years, so it really needs to end. My family and friends are all about an hours drive away (wish I had never left).
Totally depressed right now but hopeful.
Welcome to the site!! Being a union rep appears to be a common thing for many who are working to do. One I was with had done this. I think pr ex also did so.
Must be tough being trapped financially with them. Can you sell The house for less than its worth to secure a sale? Or is that not possible?
Yes Pos, mine is a union rep & also sits in management. He is known at work as a scab & only became a rep to protect his other scab mates etc…he plays both ends against each other. This is such Soc behaviour that I wish I’d known about but, alas here I am 😉
I used to ask him about sitting on both sides as I found that very contradictory etc…he always ‘fobbed’ me off or ignored me.
You know, Soc’s are scabs in everyway, sores that if left untreated just fester away. Time for some Positiva balm I think 🙂
@Live & Learn, you will never be free of him unless you go No Contact & do this forever or he will haunt you for the rest of your life.
Good luck & welcome here 🙂
You deserve so much better & if you finally sell & break free, you will feel fantastic again but, it is a long hard road out & we will help you as best we can. As Pos has illuminated our way, she will also light yours 🙂
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo
I’m Getting the Silent treatment for no reason at all i have no idea why and it hurts like hell he always did this when i confronted him with the truth of cheating or whatever he was doing wrong or if I said something he didnt like he’ll give me the silent treatment for weeks. Yesterday he texted me to chat and i talked to him i hadnt seen him in weeks its like he withholding himself from me its very odd. He told me he was going home i asked him where he was at? why he didnt come see me he ignored my text than i texted him once again saying why he ignoring me than moments later he says he was over his boys house and could i come out now? I told him yeah i can i heard nothing so i text him and asked if he was coming ? no reply than i text him saying oh wow this is ashame you just dont wanna see me and he never replied its been Day 2 of silent treatment i did absoluely nothing wrong this is cruel and bizzare he is punishing me for no damn reason i have no idea why i put up with this crap i have had enough. Its like he will put anyone and anything before me now when he use to want to be with me now he devaluing me like i am a lump of nothing i come last i dont even come last im just nothing at all and it hurts 😦 he plays this push and pull game and it drives me insane i want to text him again but i dont wanna be ignored bad enough im being ignored for no reason its mental torture im being ignored because i wanna spend time with him Lol are you serious? Please tell me whats going on and what should i do i know he is a sociopath everything points to him being this way He usually disappear than reappears this time i feel he is gone for good? Im obsessing and cant focus I cant understand why he treats me like this.
Hey he will show back up. If he hasn’t done final ruining he will be back. … They always do so enjoy the peace and remember that there is healing in the silence. If it’s hurting your healing. Maybe you don’t want to heal from him.
@Cynthia, you know why, because he know that with his silent treatment he would bring confusion on you and he will win more control and power…turn his silent treatment on your no contact and run for your life far away from his abuse
Things better with time. Its been 6 weeks since we last had contact. I have no urge what so ever to contact him again after the abusive stuff he said to me and I am pretty confident that I will never hear from him again either 🙂 so peace at long last! I’m so glad l found this site when I did as it really did help me to identify what was actually happening and reassured me that I’m not the crazy one. This site has really helped me to heal and moved on. Thank you 🙂 x
Thank you and welcome to the site Honey Girl.
Thanks all. @ Cynthia, the silent treatment is like being in a cage, it’s hurtful and they decide when to let you out. In my case I think we’re finished so he’ll never let me out, there’s nothing in it for him. For me, having an argument with his son seems to have been the final straw, but I had had enough and I’m glad his son is gone. My SP is furious, you can actually feel the rage oozing out of him. He hasn’t been home much and has been drinking constantly so I haven’t had to deal with him much. I feel very lonely and have been visiting friends and my daughter on weekends. I feel homeless even though I’m not. Selling the house is going to take a while so this is like a long cancerous death. I know the no contact is the way to go but it’s hard. I have good days and bad days, on the bad days I have trouble letting go, I remember the good times we’ve had (although they’ve been less and less) and I keep trying to find logic and reason where none exists, it’s futile and I know it, I’ve been educating myself by reading these sites, yet still I wish I could figure out a way to fix our relationship. I pray for the strength to let go and stop feeling sad.
think the last guy i was dating was also one! Met him on a dating site online, met up quite a few times, started sleeping with him, thought all was good, then on a social network saw him following me with different name, then mate said he messaged her on the dating site under a differnet name,, i had closed mine when i started dating him.. i set up a pseudo a/c & behold he msgd me too, not knowing it was me.. Turned out he had at least 4 different a/c.. well I had it out with him, he deleted all the a/c ( so he said).. Started over knew his real name by this stage. Then we had a disagreement cause he kept going silent on me, as if he wanted me to chase him.. he has communication prob so he said.. we meet up have good times, then he disappears off the social networks, deletes me, blocks me whatever..comes back a few months later by messaging me, asking why i went off him.. wtf like! he disappeared stopped contacting me again.. Dont hear from him in 6 months, then get wanna meet up again for coffee.. silly me does.. this ongoesfor few months, no physical contact btwn us though.. turns out he had went back to his wife in between times.. So I start seeing him again, blah blah slept with him a few times, he tells me i need to tell my exhub that im mates with, that hes around again.. I do that, he meets up we go out we have a bit of fun.. Then bang silence again, when i text i get one word answers.. then gets to be when i text takes hours to answer, same old pattern as before, yet hes online 24/7.. So I took the bull this time & deleted him.. No contact as yet that was 3 weeks ago & damn sure I aint letting him mess with my head againthis time, if he tries to get back.. Guess he is a sociopath who was jkust looking for someone to stopgap, til someone better comes around!
oh & to add to the above, when he was online 24/7 though I dont know who he private chats too, I could see the content of what he was liking in newsfeed & was mostly another females, photos, comments etc.. Then she was liking all his stuff, I’m not an overly jealous woman, but think in this instance i certainly had reason..
Hurts hurts & still hurts but hopefully, the hurt will subside, just dont know if I will ever trust another male again!
“The sociopath will be back, that much is certain.” Right on point there. After ADMITTING I was right about her stealing money from me and cheating on me as well as straight up lying about how she felt about me 6 months ago before I ended it (but also stating that it was “the past” and I should “get past it”), I blocked her on this new phone and two weeks later, she actually tries to call me! (Apparently the first time someone tries to call you when you use the Metro Block, their number shows up as a missed call.) She is blocked, I did not call back, but it did take a lot of willpower not to return her call and not to unblock. They certainly have us pegged, don’t they? 😦
Yep, they are like clockwork!!! 🙂
Ohh so it is the “silent treatment” that I had everytime I tried to confront him. And unfortunately, it works really well on me. It makes me feel guilty and empty at the same time, so when he came back, I could not resist to accept him, again. This pattern repeats during our relationship, and now, after we broke up and he dissapeared, I feel like I am waiting for him to come back like he used to do (i’m having that silent treatment at the moment). I realized that taking him back everytime is just stupid, but I just can’t ignore him. From now on, I will blocked all of his account in my socmeds,whatsapp,etc. Thank you very much! This article really helps! 👍👍👍
Yes it’s hard cara as you have your life on hold. But you can change this by making the decision that you no longer want to talk to him!!
how do I join this site as I have found it to be much like what I have been going through with my own family & relationships and would like to make a profile and share with others but unable to see how I get started ….. thanks! 🙂 Mark
Hi mark you can comment now. Your comments will go through.
I very recently walked away from my spath after finding out from the other woman that he was cheating again – after giving him a second chance.
After spending a lot of time discussing the stories and lies he told each of us we confronted him which of course left him for the first time feeling humiliated and out of control. Immediately after this was met with threats. Although I have messaged him since which was mainly out of anger from me but also trying to gage what level he was at with the threats I have gone N C for the last few days. I refuse to give in and contact him because I know he thinks I will but because he is giving me the silent treatment as well whenever i’m alone with my thoughts i’m struggling with this feeling of being addicted to him and needing some kind of attention. It’s crazy because it sickens me how he treated myself and the other woman yet i’m checking my blocked folder to see if any messages have come through. How long can this feeling last for?!
Thank you for all the articles on here. It’s been a life saver.
I was dating a doctor level school psychologist for 2 years. I learned about his cheating I had his text messages sent to my email address. After a month I read the text messages and I was done. I confronted him about the cheating and he immediately ignored me. I said to him you know my mom died this summer I am grieving and this is what your doing. He then said ” your the one who keeps bringing up your dead mother and using her as an excuse for everything. I was so hurt that he said that. Now keep in mind he is a psychologist and I am a social worker. We both work in a profession we teach people not to behave this way. He was cheating the whole time we was together it is sad. Once caught he ignored me, now he had blocked me out completely and cut me off. I honesty feel sorry for him. Also he has a twin brother they both do the samething. We live in New Jersey.
Hey its scary how they get into professions where they are meant to be helping people. I know one who did this and had numerous ones who wrote email saying they were one…. this must hurt. You will heal from this.
What’s scary is mine is famous and uses social media to pick up girls. The one he left me for is half his age and she won’t be able to handle him.
Hi Shea – I’ve just re-read my messages on this thread from 2013 and boy I am so glad I am no longer under my ex’s control. That same woman who thought she won the prize rang me last week asking how to get rid of him. I sent her packing!
Just be happy you are no longer under your SOC’s control!
x
Reblogged this on My Journey Towards the Light and commented:
AHhhhhhHHHhhhh….the SILENT treatment!
Mine freaked out when I kicked her out. She fled to another state, I found drugs in her stuff when she was away… She had been ignoring me but when I sent her pics of her drugs she immediately started texting. LOL. She came back and made no effort to get her drugs out of my house. I told her that I;d donate all her crap to goodwill if she didn’t get it… She came right away then… Shes now ignoring me… LOL. I led her on by texting her nice things then now Im IGNORING HER. HAHA. May she just enjoy the pain! Im in control!
This site was really quite cathartic for me, a true eye opener. I dealt with an eerily similar experince per all of the other bloggers writing and the information given in this webiste…a man who appeared in my life, professed his love the day that he met me, bombarded me with texts, calls, wanting to see me every day. He would reference his future including me as his future wife. I was taken away by his charm and his passion, something that lacked in all of my other previous relationships. He had a sad story of divorce and he felt broken until he met me. Until wham! He disappeeared. After a month of dating he disappeared. From professing his love to disappearing. I thought what if he died? What if hes in the hospital, or jail? For months I was torchered by the silence. I slowly resumed my life, dating again, I was happy, then..wham! He resurfaces. Apologizes profusely, has a long story of how he was internally tortured for leaving me so abruptly that he did so because I was the first he fell so deeply in love with following his divorce, that he got scared. Blind trust, I trusted him again. For two weeks I was bombardedby texts and calls wanting to get into my inner circle of family and friends..my friends told me, proceed with caution…until Wham..he did it again. He disappeared. In the age of social media one can track a presence online. He certainly isn’t dead and he is certainly alive and well. As a nurse I reflected on his behaviour and shamed myself for my naviety. He met the criteria according to the DSM 5, avoidant personality disorder, aka sociopath. Upon researching, I found this website. Thank you, because it reaffirmed that I am not mad. That hearing from him the day before he vanishes that he loves me to nothing is not something unusual for the sociopath, I was just his victim. This site gave me clarity in that A) I am definately not alone, and that B) they walk amongst us. This is not a situation of a girl simply getting jilted by a lover, my case is the gold standard of sociopath cases. The first time he left I was hurt, insulted, now this time understanding his clear pathological illness I still think he is disgusting but there is clarity and understanding in his behaviour. There will not be a third time that I accept him into my life, that I can guarantee you. If as the sociopath routinely appears, I will do as he has done and ignore all contact. Ice.
But i want him back!
What is it that you want back? If he was really a sociopath/psychopath you only want you back. If this person is with someone else he now has a new mask and is mirroring someone else. He doesn’t exist. That is the saddest part of all having to grieve someone who did not exist.
They never really go away! Mine will discard brutally and then follow me the same night or contact me dozens of times by every means necessary if he thinks I’m in his city. They are parasites so the best option is no contact ever again or play their game once you no longer have any feelings left.
Also some additional good advice I read a few years back is if you can’t go no contact and must still speak to him/her, play them at their own game and lie and tell them exactly the opposite of what’s true..I’ve had big fun playing this game!!! LOL
Their goal ultimately is to turn you into their likeness.
Their goal is to make you into their likeness.
Do not become like them, then they win.
Very true.