The sociopath ‘silent treatment’

silence (1)

It can get quite creepy in the room, when you are faced with ‘silence’. The sociopath, after however long of

  • Drama
  • Attention seeking
  • Accusations
  • Lying
  • Bombardment
  • Deception and illusion
  • Often mindless, constant chatter (about nothing at all) – usually about the sociopath
  • Narcisstic rages
  • Ownership and possession

Has suddenly left your life after either you called time on the relationship, or they decided that they were bored, confused, or just wanted to teach you a lesson. Usually they will say

See you around, thanks for everything. I am sure that we will both meet someone else. After all, we wouldn’t have a problem….

That is it. Bingo, they are out of your life. From constant bombardment, there is nothing. Nothing but silence.

This time is the most confusing of all. You have been constantly bombarded, and now nothing. Likely, only the day before the sociopath was declaring love for you.

What is really going on during this period of silence?

Remember that for the sociopath two things are more important than anything

  1. Winning
  2. Being in control

In your mind, if somebody ‘loved’ you, they would fight for you, right? So this silence, cuts like a knife through your heart. The silence is almost deafening. It reinforces what you already knew, that your partner never loved you. In the silence you start to grieve.

What is really happening is that when you end the relationship, or try to establish your own rights,  the sociopath, now sees that they are no longer winning, or being in control. The silent treatment is a way to both get back control (now that they are ignoring you) once again they are ‘winning’.

The reality is this:

  1. The silent treatment is a form of control to hurt and punish you
  2. That the sociopath will (unfortunately) come back (almost always)
  3. It might feel like the sociopath has dropped off a cliff – but he/she hasn’t. Likely they already know (they have assessed you) what your reaction will be to the silent treatment. Once again they are managing to manipulate you through your emotions
  4. It doesn’t mean that you are worthless, or necessarily that he/she has found someone/thing better.  Often it just means that the sociopath is playing the game.

If you are hurting right now, please remember, that if somebody loved you, why would they not care about your feelings? Why would they want you to be hurt? Yes it is normal to take time out after a fight. The sociopath is not taking time out, they are deliberately manipulating you, playing the game to take back control, and win.

The only way out of this vicious cycle (which will repeat for as long as you allow it) is to stop playing the game. Remove yourself. Stop playing. Get out. Stay out. Focus on you.

You cannot change the sociopath and their behaviour towards you,  but you can change you, and your response to their behaviour.

It is not your fault. There is nothing that you did to either deserve or cause this. In fact nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. The behaviour is repeated behaviour because of the way that the sociopath sees the world.  In the sociopaths mind, life is a game. People are objects to be used to achieve their own agenda, and get what they want.

Try to now think of you. its time for YOU to be a winner and for YOU to take back control over your own life.  Use this time to take back control. YOU decide to establish no contact. See the articles in healing and recovery about No contact, how to establish no contact, the benefits of doing so that each day of ‘silence’ you can celebrate your freedom.

You have lost nothing – whilst you were with the sociopath you were losing. You were losing yourself. Now you are free. It might feel strange at first. Just take one day at a time. The sociopath will be back in touch – that is almost certain.

Each day that the sociopath is out of your life, you are winning!!! Because you are winning back you!! No longer are you losing (yourself) so celebrate this freedom. Celebrate the silence.  Focus on you, and focus on healing and recovery. You really ARE worth it 🙂

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479 thoughts on “The sociopath ‘silent treatment’”

  1. I needed this today. I am in the pit of grief; discarded and feeling unwanted. He uses silence to punish me bc he knows I have no family or friends speaking to me either. I feel abandoned and forgotten. He makes me sick!!

    1. Judah…this is me as well. My family doesn’t live anywhere near me…my friends have given up on me because of my constant decision to go back to him over and over again. They have had it! I count the days like crazy! Today is exactly a week since he and I had our final blowout and it doesn’t feel any easier. I have seen his Instagram replies on other girls’ pictures and he leaves them “hearts” and “winks” and “likes,” but not a word to me. I find myself wishing that he would just call or text or say “hey, let’s get together and talk.” Whats worse is I lost my job this week…got fired…mostly because I was probably doing a horrible job not concentrating or doing what I was supposed to be. I should be completely focused on me and finding another job…not getting online to see who he is paying attention to now. I’m sorry for you and your pain…I’m sorry for me and mine too! As much as it is supposed to help to know others are going through this too, it really doesn’t does it?

      1. Well he’s put me thru so much and since I’m use to family abuse I do get stronger each time he’s done this. I’ve been reading this site and others every night after work and its help a lot. Also I can’t really talk about it on here but he did cause a medical prob for me that he doesn’t seem too concerned with. I have strong moments and weak. I can see in his pictures online that his eye have no life in them. I try to remember all the other things he did and talk to people close to me. I’ve been doing okay but these last three days have been bad. Also knowing its coming on a year on August 13 that my dad died and my bday is 23rd. If only someone could get thru to my daughter I think I’d be ok. But alas she has me cut off still.

      2. It does help to know there are others. It reminds us that WE are not the crazy sick one!!

      3. Hello Imsa, I know this sounds easier said than done but you owe it to yourself to stop checking in on him to see what his doing online. You have seen enough proof already that he can move on so freely. His just playing his game. Making himself feel good grooming other potential victims. Getting his high. I know you dont feel like it at the moment but honestly you are better off without them. Find your inner strength to block him. Do not give into rhe temptation to go checking him out. You are hurting yourself and you deserve so much better. Delete or block anything related to him. Remember no contact really is the only way forward (and I know how hard this is). Trust and love yourself. Pat yourself on the back for everyday you get through. Live one day at a time and don’t be too hard on yourself. Every time you feel tempted to check in on him come here instead and talk to us.

        This site has been so inspirational and the support from others is amazing. You are never alone. We are all here for you and we are all experiencing the same trauma and devastation these people leave behind. We get you and also know how hard it is. Stay positive and keep the focus on you and not them. Keep writing. Your doing great despite it probably not feeling like you are. Stay strong. Focus on the here and now. This is the first day of the rest of your life so let’s help making it all the good things you so deserve.

      4. Ditto what SD said 🙂 🙂

        You are not alone here & we truly care for you & your journey through your torment.
        Remember you have done battle with a devilish sociopath & YOU are still you 🙂
        Stay Strong it does get easier, he hasn’t taken your biggest asset, it’s your ability to love & you need to focus that love on the person that deserves it most…YOU 🙂

        Love & Light….were on your team 🙂
        PR xoxo

      5. It’s not easy, it took me 2 years and a half until i could finally understand I cannot change anything, I cannot change him or the way he treats me, I cannot make him love the way I do. Time will heal, just stay focused on you, play a video game, work like crazy at work after you get a job, read, TV, get out and enjoy the summer, everything only to keep your mind busy. Eventually you’ll start thinking less and less about him, and you’ll have a job and the only thing lost, will be the time you put in watching his facebook or your inbox waiting for a sign.

      6. Emma…it took you 2 1/2 years? My God…that seems like such a long time….I am barely making it through this one week! I know everybody is different of course and every heals in their own time, but God 2 years will kills me!

      7. This is why you must only take it one day at a time. Every day, just say not for today. Set yourself say 3 days at a time. Then when you get to the end of the 3 days renew it, before you know it a month would have passed. Make sure that during that time you do things for you. Write lists start making some goals for yourself.

      8. My first wk was rough. Then I had about ten good days. But this wknd has been worse than ever! Things trigger the pain I guess. I’m looking forward to work tomorrow. I do okay during the week days. If I can get up that is.

      9. I was on day 2 of the silent treatment (really day 5, but only 2 days since I decided no contact was best) and I broke down when I saw him at the local gymnasium. It was horrible, all the waterworks and everything came out and now I am just feeling so used and thrown away. I blocked all contact and am trying to be strong. But it is so hard to know that this person never truly saw me as anything but a game. I’m struggling with what kind of person that makes ME for loving someone like that.

      10. Hey vibrant. What you need to realise is that this is NOT personal against you. Neither is it a reflection on you either. He would be like this with everyone (likely the person before, and will be with the person after you)…. nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. Also you wouldn’t have known either – as they are very devious, deceptive and compulsive pathological liars. (even trained psychologists can be fooled by them) as they are just so ‘nice’ and charming. It really is no reflection on you at all. Look at all the smart intelligent commentors on this blog and know that you are with good company!! 🙂 Welcome to the site.

      11. @positivagirl

        That’s such a good, right answer… that sociopath’s behavior is not personal. I had luck to have insight in my ex spath’s email over a year so I saw it in black and white… an array of numerous women to whom he even writes the same poetic quotes, phrases… exact the same as he did to me… I think I would be still in deep fog if I hadn’t got to that insight. I am admiring to all of you who didn’t lurk behind to dig out things and still have these great insights. I can only confirm that it is all absolutely true!

        In Susan Forward’s book “When your lover is a liar”, the “Sociopath” Chapter begins with this story :

        ” A frog was preparing to swim from one bank of a river to the other. Just as he was about to enter the water, a scorpion came by and begged to ride on his back since, of course, the scorpion couldn’t swim.
        “Oh, no!” said the frog. “If I let you ride on my back, I know just what will happen. As soon as we get to the other side and you don’t need me any more, you’ll sting me and I’ll die.”
        “I give you my solemn promise I won’t do that,” the scorpion assured him. “I really need to get to the other side of the river, and I will be very grateful to you.”
        Apprehensive, but taking the scorpion at his word, the frog let the scorpion climb onto his back and swam across the river. The moment they reached dry land, the scorpion sank his tail into the frog and released his venom. As the frog was gasping his last breath, he looked forlornly at the scorpion and asked feebly, “Why did you do that?”
        “Because,” answered the scorpion calmly, “that’s what I do”.

        “This chapter is about scorpions in human form, and continuous, remorseless lying is “what they do”. They lie to the woman they’re with, and to just about everyone else. They cheat repeatedly on the women they’re married to, they steal from the woman they profess their love for. Their greatest thrill, their highest high, is pulling the wool over the eyes of the women who love and trust them, and they do it without a moment of concern for their targets. This chapter is about the one kind of liar you must leave immediately. It is about sociopaths.”

        This book was the first book I bought about this topic, when I found out about my ex boyfriend lying. It was the first time that I heard about sociopaths. It is a very good helpful book.

        As you see how the story depicts the sociopath behavior so well, it is nothing personal, he’s a sociopath, that’s what he does!

      12. Hi Vibrantphoenix,

        What makes us love anyone?
        Our heart & the ability to feel & care for another, no matter how they treat us.
        You are a normal & loving & beautiful person which is what a Sociopath is attracted to.
        As they cannot be like this they take it from you!
        Keep reading, learning & sharing until you move onto healing….which will come soon 🙂

        You will be loved & are loved, for now you just need to love yourself.
        You deserve better, you are worthy & have nothing to be ashamed of.
        Being human is what you are & a Soc is just an illusionist/manipulative/liar…
        You are far better…you are human they are inhuman! IN-HUMAN a monster inside a human costume!

        Be Strong & Brave…You are not alone & we will support you always 🙂

        PR xoxo

      1. I have read everything on this site over and over and over. I should have them memorized by now. They do help! It’s what gets me thru!!!

      2. Hi Pos 🙂

        I hope you are well & moving on with your book etc…?

        I have noticed that a lot of poster’s here have mentioned that the Soc was not their usual type re attraction & I also wondered about this.
        Also that most of them strike when we are particularly vulnerable or have just had something huge happen in our lives…I know this was my experience.
        It would be interesting to find out if ones own self worth etc…led to us falling for the Soc in the first place.

        Or….why do some people stay with a Soc when they know what one is?
        If I had any idea before or during I would have run a mile but, when one openly engages knowing they are with a Soc why stay?

        Just a thought 🙂

        Be Happy & keep up the great posts.

        Love & Light,
        PR xoxo

      3. Hi PR I did cover this quite extensively – I think throughout but especially in earlier posts, where I write about mirroring and the mask of illusion (am trying to think off the top of my head where they would be). The answer is that they follow the same pattern –

        Assessment
        seducing
        gaming
        ruining

        It is at assessment stage where they see if you have what they want – how easy that would be to obtain that from you. Checking to see what your support networks are. If you are vulnerable offering to be your greatest confident and friend and to solve all of your problems. This is where the mirroring comes in – and the gaming starts. That is until they have had enough – or you refuse to give further supply or a better supply comes along from elsewhere.

      4. Thanks Pos, Yes I remember that post & have read it many times 🙂
        I meant more the physical attraction as my Soc was not someone I would normally consider attractive but, his charisma blinded me…he is really not physically attractive at all.
        I am not having a go at his physical appearance as I’m not that superficial but, I would never normally look twice at his type under different circumstances? Weird but true!
        I was just needy at the time & very vulnerable so, I latched on to him & the rest is history!

        PR 🙂

        PS I haven’t done the TV interview yet, postponed by them as they needed camera crew on another story.
        I will let you know etc…what happens.
        I am off to Gestalt therapy tomorrow, wish me luck 🙂

        xoxo

      5. Ah good luck with your gestalt therapy – let me know how you find it. I hope you will find it good. I think that it is (in my mind) one of the most useful forms of therapy. As the counsellor will look at not just what you say but your body language – you should find the counsellor right with you. You have to be present.

        With regard to the not being your usual type, I think again the answer is back to mirroring. We tend (as humans) to like people who are like ourselves. Sociopaths are very good at being exactly who you want them to be, and what you are looking for. Females tend to need to feel the connection – and sociopaths are very good at setting up situations so that there is a faked connection. They are very good at manipulating a relationship so that it ‘appears’ identical to the start of a very serious relationship. Due to this we tend to put the ‘red flags’ to the back of our mind. Thinking that this is something that is very special. Also they have a lot of testosterone – which can feel very attractive.

      6. Yes that is true & I remember him reinforcing over & over to me that I was attractive blah blah & that he said he was also but, I remember thinking that I actually know I’m attractive thanks for saying that but I thought his perception of himself was vain. I never said that to him but, it’s what I thought when he said he was good looking?
        He’s a very cocky, short bald overweight Italian with a huge nose, not attractive at all.
        My daughter & others said what on earth do I see in him & I kept saying don’t judge people on their looks etc…I kept reinforcing him back to my friends & family how great & wonderful he was so, that I didn’t really see he wasn’t….even though I thought it a lot?
        Very powerful control & the sexual attraction became robotic for me like I was in a trance as you have also written about.
        Gee I am so glad it’s over & I am getting onto my own track 🙂

        Thank you x

      7. PR, Speaking of songs that were playing in the background of my You Tube that reminded me of Spath was this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3Qad4AmI0E, Or if the link doesn’t work – “Keep me Hanging on” by Kim Wilde.

        Set me free why don’t cha babe
        Get out of my life why don’t cha babe
        ’cause you don’t really love me
        You just keep me hangin’on

        Why do you keep a comin’ around
        Playing with my heart
        Why don’t cha get out of my life
        And let me make a brand new start
        Let me get over you
        The way you’ve gotten over me yeah

        You say although we broke up
        You still just wanna be friends
        But how can we still be friends
        When seeing you only breaks my heart again

        Get out, get out of my life
        And let me sleep at night
        ‘Cos you don’t really love me
        You just keep me hangin’on

        You say you still care for me
        But your heart and soul needs to be free
        And now that you’ve got your freedom
        You wanna still hold on to me
        You don’t want me for yourself
        So let me find somebody else

        Why don’t cha be a man about it and set me free
        Now you don’t care a thing about me
        You’re just using me – Hey, abusing me
        Get out, get out of my life
        And let me sleep at night
        ‘Cos you don’t really love me
        You just keep me hangin’on
        You don’t really need me
        You just keep me – hangin’on

        I am a New Zealander living in Southern California and for a while I honestly thought it was something to do with the Orange County area I chose to live in and these kinds of guys were some new kind of mutant breed that were closely populated all over this place. But, nope looking at songs from the past, that one originates from the Supremes! and seeing there are people all over the world on this website going through the same thing I am. It makes me beat myself up a little bit less everyday for feeling like I ruined my life with bad decision after bad decision!

      8. I agree. Positiva you have really done something special here….its sad for us, but its nice to have support from people going through the same thing…that can relate to the unexplainable confusion and pain….I really can’t thank you enough for this website.

    2. Hi Judabug, Hello Everyone
      I found this site a few days ago and it has helped a great deal. I met my ‘love of loves’ last summer at a Retreat Center at the peak of my life thus far…I had just moved to California, took a leap with faith, was single for more than a year, happiest I have ever been; I was not looking for or waiting for love.
      He pursued me and won. He is from England and we spent three weeks of bliss together before he went back home…we wrote everyday, I even starting writing a book about our love story (still am writing, though it is not the story I intended). He came to visit me in December and the person I thought I fell in love with was gone. I made excuses for his distance, as did he; claimed family pressures were getting to him, I went to Europe to see him 6 wks later and what a mess..he started with the emotional abuse…always accusing me of sleeping around, went through all my emails (from years back!)…and all the things I shared with him he used to hurt me with (past hurts from childhood, as I trusted him- he even proposed to me in September…oof)…anyway, long story short, he came here in June to live and work with me and he was the most miserable person I ever knew from day 1….of course blamed everything on me….he was so up and down…one min he loved me the next he was saying how he cant wait to get away from me. He called me names, read all my journals (I hid them before he came here though he found them), accused me of wanting my 20 something coworkers..verbal and emotional abuse turned to physical….slapping me in a public restaurant at one point. Though I kept making excuses as I loved him so….the man last summer praised every part of me, told me how beautiful I am, how I transformed him and how meeting me was the most important thing to happen in his life besides being born!
      He left for a retreat a few weeks ago (meditation center; the guy is nuts!!!), put his notice in and made up a story about his mom dying and he needed to go back to london. He did not go back, he went to a retreat (find another victim?) and now he is somewhere in San Fran….I am not sure when he is going back to london as he was not scheduled to return until Sept. 11th (we planned for months for his stay here with me……)….I am having a hard time today….I have not had any contact with him though I am tempted, I do not want him back I just feel so empty and Angry I let someone treat me so horribly…..
      thanks for the encouragement from you all….I have been trolling the site for days.

      1. Hi Luminite13,

        It’s nice to hear your okay & stay strong & positive as we are all on this journey with you 🙂
        Mine was around for 10 years & playing with my heart/head for a long long time.
        As they all follow the same pattern of behavior it starts to overwhelm you but, the support amongst others that understand is crucial to your recovery 🙂

        Have a look at the articles on psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com
        Learn & read as much as you can as it becomes quite fascinating & allows you to gain some power in your knowledge 🙂
        It’s hard but, survivable 🙂

        So stay strong, be brave because,you’ve been touched by the devil
        😦 & the fight take sit’s toll…protect your heart & do the healing recommended..it helps 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      2. I just found this site out of a desperate search online to find something – anything – that would help me, and I am so eternally grateful I found this site, it’s been my lifeline for the past 24 hours and will be for the foreseeable future.

        Luminite, your story sounds similar to mine, at least in the beginning. I also just made a huge life change, picked up and moved to a brand new city for a great job where I knew not one single person, and built an amazing life for myself with great friends, etc. I was the happiest and best version of myself when he came along, 6 months into my new life. We met and immediately fell in love, it was instant and I had never felt that way before. I thought I had found my fairy tale. We did long distance for 2 months and then 3 months in he moved to my city and into my apartment. We were together 8 months total, and then on and off for the past year. I didn’t realize he was a sociopath, or maybe thought it but didn’t want to admit it, until recently. I ignored all red flags – his instant connection with me (I was on a love high), his lack of a career (he was a lifeguard when I met him, 7 years younger than me, and was waiting word about getting into officer school for the Army, needless to say that never transpired) his odd behavior when he drank, and his temper, his incessant lying, and the fact that I allowed him to live rent free while I went to work and he stayed home “looking for a job.” Long story short, he left his email open on my computer one day and I found out that he was on multiple dating websites, had secret email accounts, and would sext and send sexual pics and videos of himself all day long to multiple women (instead of looking for a job). He was a master manipulator, so of course he weaseled his way back in with LIES, overwhelming gestures of love, crying, pleas he would change, etc. Of course he didn’t. After the 2nd time I caught him I kicked him out and he got his own place, but naturally I caught him again. He kept me on his string since then, alternating between grand gestures of love and then terrorizing me with lies, blame (it was all my fault I am crazy), screaming at me, calling me terrible names, being psychical with me – you name it. The highs were so high, and the lows were/are unbearable. I allowed it to happen, and feel foolish and worthless. I am a very strong and independent, a very successful career woman and am also attractive and have a lot going for me – and I let this person into my life and he just bulldozed over me, leaving me a shell of my former self while he goes along his merry way, calling me crazy, psycho, and leaving a wake of destruction behind him, with me having zero coping mechanisms or concept of how to move on. I KNOW I need NC, and made a vow to myself today was the first day of the rest of my life (after he said terrible, horrible, heartless things to be on text last night, placing all blame on me and telling me it was over and he’s done) but I am so addicted to this person and their poison, I am struggling. I can’t talk to my friends about it, they are all sick of hearing his name and I have lost one friend because of him. I do have a therapist and she is helpful, but I need this site in the in-between times because getting through the day is rough.
        Thank you all for listening to my story. There is so much more to the story, as you all can imagine, but just reading through this blog and listening to you all is so very helpful when I feel so desperate.

    3. I am somewhat sociopathic, and I would modify the thoughts given in this article. When I do the “silent treatment” it can be for one of a couple of reasons. The first one is exactly as this article says, it’s a way of re-establishing control when I feel I’ve given too much advantage away by appearing too needy.

      But, you have to keep in mind that sociopaths are inherently and coldly rational. If I assess a situation and decide it’s a loser for me, that I’m not going to get what I want for a reasonable amount of effort, I’ll just cut contact totally with no intention of exerting control. The other person just isn’t worth my time anymore and it would be inefficient to throw more into it.

      Either that or I just got bored. It’s very much easier to for me to cut contact than a fully empathic individual, because I don’t really miss people, and, except insofar as it gets me what I want, I don’t need people to love me or want me (which is where sociopaths differ from true narcissists. I don’t need the worship and admiration of other people, except as a means of getting what I want, and if I feel I’m not going to get what I want from them, I don’t really care what someone feels towards me).

      1. Thank You Aurelius for your honesty. What you have said makes sense to me. I think my ex S broke up with me because he realised that he was not going to get what he wanted without a huge amount of effort and also the honeymoon was over and he was getting bored. A double whammy… i had no hope! He has not contacted me after he realized I was done and had gone NC myself. That was 3 months ago. He hated that i used to beat him at so many things, so i think that he doesn’t want to loose at this one. I dont think he will ever return. Thank god!

      2. to add to my previous comment…maybe the difference with my female sp and others here is the fact that she is female…a very good looking and charming one as well…so perhaps unlike some of the men sp’s she has seemingly an infinite amount of willing men victims in my small town lining up for their shot at her…so no need to reestablish anything with me after she had drained me of all she wanted…maybe it is that the men sp’s return to their victims more often when they lack a new one?

      3. @cash

        I think that’s a good observation about male and female spaths. I was also thinking about some women which I am suspecting they could be spaths… they are always watching for men, cheating their husbands and boyfriends and they like to leave their victims for good. It is so easy to them to seduce men (because they are always in that ‘mode’ and it’s so easy for them to leave them for good, it’s a piece of cake for them. It gives them ‘superior, winner’ feeling. Male sociopaths like to have their ‘pool’ of women, they like to keep their tentacles on them, keep them ‘alive’ so they can drain life from them during a looooong period – it seems the longer they manage to do it, the more they are filled with ‘superior, winner” feeling …. cheating them blind…

      4. I too appreciate the honesty…and it rings very true via my ex female sp…I know I won’t ever hear a word from her again tho she lives right down the road with her new mark…her behavior, not just with me, but others, reminds me of a wild animal who chases its prey down, simply devours the meat and moves on…onward with the hunt…no horizon of “loss” or missing anyone or feeling blue or sentimental ect…just onto the next…she had gotten everything she could out of me and while I thought we were very close, for her, clearly that was meaningless outside the context of the game…that kind of bloodless feeling with her left me marked in a way I have never experienced and has been terrible to go thru. I am still going thru it and hopefully will come out of it alright. I am trying my best anyhow which is all we can do.

      5. For someone with empathy it is almost impossible to fathom how they just move on with no remorse, no feelings what so ever. But they have no empathy. They don’t feel like normal human beings do. My life with him felt so good (apart from red flags) and the memories i have of him are so wonderful. He does not remember those things the same way as he does not have the emotions associated with them to bring them more strongly to focus, therefore i am like a commodity that he just moves on from and doesn’t look back. He can remember that pair of running shoes that he ran the marathon with but there is no emotion towards the shoes for that. and no sense of loss or remorse once he replaces them. We can not fathom that because we have emotions that magnify the memory.

    4. It’s been 24 hours since I’ve ended the relationship. It’s probably the 10th time, but each time I feel empty and alone. This time I blocked my Facebook and seeking psychotherapy. I’m being punished thru the silent treatment, but I know thru past experiences he always return with the same insanity. I really want to move on, however the pain and isolation is devastating. This blog “dating a sociopath” brought new light and hope for me, because I thought it was ME! I’m going to practice No Contact a day at a time. I’m afraid but mostly I’m feeling battered and abuse.

      1. Hey Alisa, you are not alone. We are all here for you. We all understand how this feels and the devastation. Try to take small chunks of time and don’t look too far ahead. As you know he will come back – at some point… so use this time wisely for you. When he does come back this time you will be stronger and not take him back. I know that period of silence can leave you feeling ill ease wondering what comes next….try to bring the focus back on you. You make the decision to block him out of your life. Take back your power.

      2. Alisa, remember you are the only ine who can put things on their right direction. Why you don’t confront all of this as you are the one who wants silence, you are the one who are making no contact, you are the one making a way to your sanity? Give yourself tine, each day you will be stronger. They will never cease the insanity it is you who can cease it.

      3. Hi Alisa 🙂

        Welcome to our great support network & just stay ‘No Contact’ it is hard but, truly the only way to go for healing & honestly it’s the only way to get clear of the Soc hold 😦
        Stay strong, come here for support & talk, vent, laugh, cry etc…we understand & we care so, your never alone here 🙂
        Pos has done a remarkable job here & her wisdom & insight has saved a lot of us so, stick with us…you’ll be okay…be brave 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      4. Pheonix Rising. Thank you so much. My heart and soul is hurting so bad right now. I was treated like nothing, yet I continued to take him back. Going to block his number tonight and it is hard. But I’m with the effort. Just want to stop hurting. It only happens mostly at night.

      5. Hi Balisa 🙂
        I know how hard it is to break the bonds but,I did not have this site until recently so, I implore you to stay ‘No Contact’ or it will be more of the same over & over & you are so much better than that 🙂
        I got caught up for 10 years & I regret the day I met him but, I did & I am glad I am finally free of his lies & gaming & false promises etc…I am finally free & I like it 🙂

        Be Brave as the wee small hours are always the hardest but, it does get easier & you will find peace once again I can promise you that but, you must work hard at it 🙂 & time does heal 🙂 🙂
        PR xoxo

      6. Yes Alisia it will be back n forth. And lots of time. Lots if tears. Lots of anger. Lots of fear. Lots if hoping. Lots of quiet. Lots of regret. Lots of sleepless nights. Lots of reflection. Lots of new friends here. Lots of future endeavors. Lots of future plans. Lots of life ahead!

      7. It’s been several weeks since No Contact and strange as it may seem, I’m feeling good today. I pray that forgiveness come slowly so it gives a since of gratitude. The chaos and confusion had an effect of expectation daily. Whew. I’m savoring the moment. Living in the here and now. Thank you for your support and understanding.

    5. I’m so glad I’m not alone. Thank you for responding. Being tortured and abused by someone you think love you leaves you feeling distrust towards human beings. I have important numbers in my phone. Should I change my phone number?

      1. If you change your phone on most modern phones – you can can change over the info. Alternatively an easier alternative is to block the number. Most modern smart phones allow you to do this. Or there are apps that you can download that will allow you to do this on pretty much any modern smartphone.

      2. Mr No Number, an excellent free app. Put his calls and text to hang up (resist the temptation to put his calls to the voicemail, if you do it you’ll always be curious about what he says or what he write and this is the first step to break the no contact – I have been there- they know how to push the buttons and it’s really hard to not react)

      3. Hi Alias, you are among friends here who understand. Lean on us when you feel yourself slipping. It’s going to be hard but you can do it. You can get your life and sanity back and grow and move on to the happy, healthy, beautiful life you deserve. Xxx

      4. Alisa, this is normal, to feel the urge of contact, the urge to keep asking for any kind of response. No contact will give you the peace and strenght that you need. Self domain!
        My prayers are with you

    6. i hope you talk to someone
      maybe go to a local church or something
      i just went through this with and it was very bazaar for sure
      i think they have some kind of demon in them
      if you need to talk i will be glad to talk
      i had a friend that helped me everyday until i was well again

      1. Hi Ron thanks for your offer of help. However I can’t allow peoples private emails on this site. You are are of course more than welcome to offer support and advice on the site 🙂

  2. I am just asking about this particular post and have to ask…is all this the same when they are the one who ended it? I wasn’t the strong one…they were and told me they were “done with me, that I had “crossed the line” within the last argument (I locked myself in their apartment and wouldn’t let them in…then threatened to hurt myself). Does all this “silent treatment” stuff apply when they leave you? There is no game anymore…he is done with me.

    1. Yes I think so. As he might have said that (if he is a sociopath) because he has alternative source of supply. When that source runs dry – believe me they come back (usually) even if it is just a ‘hi how are you’….. if they can…. and that is how they get their foot in the door. Sociopaths rarely go away. Which is why you have to often put plans in place to get them out of your life (even when they have met someone else)….

    2. Imsa there is an art of “crazy making” that I’ve heard about from my family abuse. UR behavior and trying to lash back out of UR pain is what I have done too. I also learned that mild forms of BPD can come from dysfunctional family or past abuses and our emotions get outta control bc I threatened to end it all before too. I’m not diagnosed w anything other than PTSD – maybe due to my mom having me handcuffed n carried away to a hospital but its something I’m looking into for myself bc if I am them I want to be a better person and change my old behaviors.

      1. We were together 26 years ago, I think I was wiser at that time and run away from him because his jealousy (for hin it is never that he was jealous “it is his reaction because I was a whore..”)turns to a dangerous point…23 years later we reunited again ( I thought that with time comes madurity and now we will have the opportunity to grow at last our love..how wrong I was..) After 3 years inside a hurricane now I began to saw the light again. The last two years have been really difficult, I didn’t understand what is happening and I try everything to make things work (but everything is not enough to Pinnochio). He have left me and returned a lot of times. Every time he returned it was as he is doing me a favor. Three years later I have spend all my savings, he owes me more than $10, 000.00 (it is all written on a legal contract that he signs with a lawyer)He left me a month ago, he is already living with another woman (he called me 3 weeks later, and says that he wants to be my friend, that I’m special to him, that he hopes that I can change and be happy with other men, but that I will never find someone like him…then he says he dont owe me anything that he have paid me already with the time he spends with me, that no one will believe me on a court….then he said that he told everything to his new girlfriend and that she really love him and was looking for a way to help him pay me something, I began to cry I can’t believe the words from this man I have loved so much…he kept texting saying that everything can be better If I saw who I am…that maybe in the future I’ll be the woman he needs…Again, I’m not kidding)
        You asked me if I’m better? YES, I am…I choose to stop allowing him to define me. I choose to “love him” without losing myself and that means, to let him go…It’s not an easy decision, but I know that at the end I will have a reward, regain myself…

    3. Yes it doesn’t matter to him who finished it. At first he gave you the silent treatment, and when at last you are convinced that is over he will return with something as dumb as if you have his “black pants” in your home, or just to check and say “see I knew that you will be fine in no time, are you already flirting?…or “I see you are alone, everyone knows who you are”…or “I can’t be your partner, I don’t trust you, but I don’t know why we can be friends and hang around…even have sex, we had great sex and there’s no reason to stop it…well as long as you don’t have a venereal disease…”
      I’m not kidding, all these words and a lot mora came from his mouth, every time he stop his silence punishment. They NEVER stop and everything gets uglier. The only one who can stop this insanity is you, so PLEASE, MAKE THE BETTER GIFT YOU CAN GIVE TO YOURSELF, WALK AWAY AND DONT LOOK BACK. PROTECT YOURSELF.

      1. Really no more? Bc I keep wondering if this is the final discard. I fought back so hard he changed his number an had me banned from his store. He’s laying low n I haven’t heard from him since I’m the bad one and all.

      2. Oh man the things that come out of their mouths whenever they decide to come back. Pretty much any excuse and or insult they wish. My ex lied the night after he broke up with me (the last time we broke up) and said,”stop talking to me, my gf wont like it.” so i said,”ok” and then the next day he asked if he should throw out my things and i confronted him about the gf and all he had to say was,”i dont have one i only want you, but lets be real, you met a guy and hookd up already?” does that sound familiar to anyone else??

      3. Yes Naomi. Mine always says to leave him and his new gf alone. He’s busy f’ing her and will send me pictures but the. No picture shows up and he’s online looking. So! I know he’s lying n trying to hurt me. But if I talk to someone or go out then I’m the whore. Or I didn’t really love him. I don’t even know where he lives right now and I’m the whore? I spoke to a few of his exes. He broke one girls to to sage saw him have oral wax w a man. And just horrible other things. His pattern is the same w all of his women

      4. I can’t believe he’d say that. Mine was bad too but not like that. He claimed he fucked girls to make sure I wouldn’t “One up” him and kept saying to me (even his last txt was about this) that he has the biggest d*** and that I won’t find bigger and better than him (the only defense he always went back to). Every time we broke up and got back together he treated me worse.The last time, I jokingly asked why he was so suspicious of me and if he thought I was a prostitute or something and he got angry, hung up on me and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. Apparently tht became the new suspicion; ANOTHER thing I had to defend myself against. He said I shouldn’t joke about something I’m capable of (like seriously????!) Were there any outrageous accusations you had to defend yourself against???Thank you for sharing, It feels better to know I’m not alone.=(

      5. Yes Naomi I was always defending myself. If I said something like I saved UR life taking u to the hospital when u has that heart attack he would say “see I I I I. It’s always about u. If u would even look past the end of UR face and not be so selfish”. I would remind him that the word you was also in the comment I made bc it’s really always about HIM.

        If u read my story posted yesterday under telling your stories here u will find a lot if his verbal abuse.

        I couldn’t be nice to my daughters father or my male cousins or friends. He would think I was cheating.

        He fooled me by investing into our home and major purchases but he started getting high at night before going to bed bc he knew I couldn’t stand the smell and would stay away from him. Gosh. Just thinking about all he did now brings such clarity.

  3. P.S. In fact…he has begged me to leave two weeks prior to this. I was the one who asked to work it out…I was the one who called after he cheated and I found the evidence. I don’t understand how he is playing a game…he just wants me gone and wants to move on with his life…it was me that fighting for it.

    1. Imsa. I went thru that w mine. And it is a game. He loves the attention he gets when I breakdown and beg. He likes to escalate it and threaten cops so I feel like I’m the crazy one starting stuff. I dunno if u read my story on the other post but the times before now I went after him begging him to come home and he always did. He hates being alone but I never trusted him. I lived in fear wondering what day he would be gone when I got home from work. He would say he just wasn’t happy. That he has a lot of love for me. Well geez. I have a lot if love for my dogs too!! What does that mean??!!! He says its bc I will not “straighten up” like I did something wrong but never say what it was. UR guy sounds like he’s had someone else behind UR back w all the excuses he’s making. Mine did that too whenever I caught him online. But his excuse for gay n transsexual sites was bc he was supposedly drunk. And he got where he felt he didn’t have to answer for anything bc he’s a grown man. He just wants a nice simple life. What a liar!!

      1. Judah…I understand about the blaming. He said it was because I yelled too much and bitched too much. Then I think back and realize that I did do those things and maybe I did push him away. He even always said that…that I was pushing him away. I always apologized for it and said that I would try to do better but the frustration and hurt and pain get too much and so I yell about something stupid and simply such as him forgetting to turn a light off or the water faucet dripping. So I did bitch a lot and he told me that he didn’t want to take it any more. That is what makes it all so much more difficult, because I feel that if I would have been sweeter…less confrontational…less aggressive, he would have been happy. It was a week ago today that this final thing happened! I apologized over and over and even though he cheated…actually did the deed, he wont forgive me for losing it and snapping and locking myself in his apartment and threatening to cut my wrists. I apologized for doing that..no matter how he is, that wasn’t right of me…I should have been the bigger person. I even sent an apology email trying to explain where I was coming from. He has never responded in any way. I look back and wonder what could possibly be wrong in my head that I would even want him to text or call me…after all…when I was in his bathroom with a knife…he texted me to tell me to cut vertically and not horizontally because that would be sure to do the trick.

      2. They say those things I believe bc they don’t really think we’re going to hurt ourselves and its the evil inside That spews forth. Mine told me to take a video of shooting myself in the head so he could watch. The more violent his comments r the more power he feels like he has and when I fight back he runs n hides. Changes his number. Gives me the silent treatment or worse. So today it’s been 3 wks since coming home to an empty house. I cried the last three days. I miss him. The him that doesn’t exist. We must remember whoever they may be with now will be in our shoes one day in the very near future. I was reminded today that he will always be miserable bc he has no heart inside. An that’s just sad

    2. Imsa …. I swear we are the same person! Isn’t it CRAZY how you end up defending yourself about and against things that you KNOW are the very antithesis of you? In the two months that I’ve been recovering and discovering (mostly through this site and “the other woman”) what he really was, I have come to understand that all of the things I feel and distrust about myself now were specifically and intentionally designed and planted just for me by him. I’m supposed to be questioning if he was really the crazy one.

      I also was the one who kept trying to make things work so, in the end, even though I exposed him & essentially ended our relationship, I ended up feeling so stupid and ashamed for not realizing what was really happening or listening to my friends when they thought something was off about him all along. I fought so hard to get through the silent times, to make him realize that “whatever he was going through” I could help him … there was never anything wrong … he was just reeling me in and playing on my over-sized heart.

      The cycle of crazy never seems to end, even when the relationship is over. You just keep second guessing yourself and who you are and what you can bring to a relationship over and over again. But that’s why I love this site … we’re all here to support & encourage each other to move on and keep moving on with our heads held high.

    1. Judah…I’m so sorry…I know how the crying never seems to stop…or help for that matter! I miss him too. It’s Friday night here (I live in the U.S, Georgia) and it’s lovely out…it’s warm and people are out with their boyfriends and husbands having dinner or planning a fun night or maybe even just sitting in making dinner with some wine, and I’m alone. I want to be getting ready too…taking a shower, getting dressed up and looking pretty for him so we can have a nice night too! My life is slowly passing me by now…soon it will be winter and cold and depressing out. His birthday is coming up and mine is right behind his. I’ll be by myself and I know he wont. I want to wish him a happy birthday, but I’m sure it’s not a good idea…everybody here will tell me its not a good idea too. I’m so consumed, Im actually looking into September when it’s his birthday to try and decide whether I’m going to wish him a happy birthday or not. 3 weeks feels like such a long time and it’s not getting better for you..that is so discouraging. I’m so sorry.

      1. Oh I’m in a way better place than times before. I’ve grown a lot. Just not out of it completely. I do believe in God. Some don’t. But for me I have to believe that God will defend His own.

  4. Judah, I wish it was easier…its only been a week so I know I have a long way to go. Do you find yourself wondering what he thinks of you? I mean that he feels he is just so happy and feeling like he is just so lucky to be rid of you? Everyone keeps telling me “who cares what he thinks” but I find myself continuing to wonder that…asking myself…does he think I am a horrible person. I should think that he is a horrible person and not give a shit. I spend so much time in a day wondering about what he is thinking or what he is doing…going online to see what new comments he has made to that other girl or other girls.

    1. Imsa that’s what has me caught these past three days is wondering if he’s still mad at me. Or if he thinks of me. I do know his cycles well enough that his limited guilt or curiosity or whatever it’s called w him kicks in and he starts wondering about me. He knows I have nobody and avoids any accountability adding to that. But I know he’s not w the girl he left me for bc she went back to her husband of 21 yrs and I’ve seen him on his frequent date site. When it says he’s online or recently that means he’s still looking. Which makes me glad that he’s alone bc that makes him miserable. I also know if he was w someone he would be texting me and throwing if in my face. Pictures n all.

      1. Judahbug & Imsa,

        Everything they do is a game, you are being gamed endlessly even when they leave because the mind games are still on 😦
        You have normal grief feelings, abandonment & wondering what they are thinking is going to do your head in! This is the Sociopath relationship.
        Normal people don’t do this…you should not be doing any of this, you are victims of a callous Sociopath & if you keep up the wanting & needing dependency you will destroy yourself. The Soc’s don’t care, your pain & suffering is their enjoyment, their power. Its an absolute victory for them to torture your soul. You will never have the fairy-tale ending that you want or they promised. We have all been duped, conned, used, abused & kicked to the curb!
        We are victims but, we can stop the victim mentality that the Soc wants us to stay crippled by…We have to rise up & get out from under the control & fight like hell to realise we have battled the devil but, that the good we deserve will triumph. Stop giving the Soc permission to hurt you, take back your control & take back your life 😉 Eventually you will see that that you don’t deserve this treatment & the Soc does not DESERVE YOU!!

        Love & light to you, stop playing the game or it will destroy you 😦
        Remember it is just a game for the Soc & your feelings are never ever considered or cared about…sad 😦 but, TRUE!

        Love & Light to you both…stay strong, be brave…PR 🙂

  5. I am for almost 1 year and half with no contact. I Win! The crazy guy is tormented some else’s.
    Sometimes I stil continue remember him but I think in something I love most, like my kids and I feel so happy to have found myself that I feel the happiest person on earth!

    1. Yay 🙂
      Be happy always 🙂 🙂
      You definitely win & mine is also off tormenting another poor soul so, I continue to send love & light to her to help her in her battle 😦

      Your happiness is making us all happy 🙂
      Thank you
      Love PR xoxo

      1. Pheonix you said something earlier about this that really got me!!!
        I feel incredibly sad for the next person and don’t wish that at all…
        A woman tonight told me a website you can expose them on when anyone does a search of their name…expose your ex it’s called…
        all I can say to all of this WOW!!!! I’m so incredibly sad..just so sad…

  6. Not only have I become obsessed with him, but I now look at every instagram picture of the girl that he seems to be interested in…every “like” or “wink” or “heart” he leaves for her. She of course is younger (much younger) and prettier than I am…full of life and has the whole world in front of her. She looks so happy and fun…of course she is…life hasn’t kicked her around yet and when you work for your daddy’s company…life is sweet! It’s a week today…now 11:33 p.m. here in Atlanta…and it looks like another day is going to go by and no word from him. I got kicked out of his apartment that afternoon with being told that he is done with me and that he hates me. I left with no dignity or pride or self esteem and I’m ashamed of myself and how pathetic i look to him.

    1. Imsa u might consider a counselor for a while. I have one I see weekly. EMDR sessions help a lot for trauma. But as for thinking of the other woman I would remind myself she really got a loser when she getsy guy. He has nothing to offer and will never be happy bc he has no heart or emotions. He is dead inside and that’s sad. We on the otherhand will have a chance at life and happiness once this journey is over. I have my miss him moments but then I think for what? To live in fear of his secret texts n calls? His online sites? How do u know UR guy isn’t hiding his sexual activities on gay and transsexual sites like mine did. Oh he made excuses for it but deep down I knew something was wrong. I don’t wanna live the rest of my life w a guy on a tranny site or wondering what he’s doing when I’m not home. Or when I might come home to an empty house again. 7 times was too many chances!!! and I’m lucky I did not get HIV or aids from him.

      1. no..he is definitely not on any gay sites…thats for sure..not that it could make things any worse…I found the condom wrapper in his garbage…it was definitely a woman, I know, but that certainly doesn’t make it any better of course. I just hate that I am here alone and missing him and wanting to be on a date with the man I called my “one” (he called me that too) and he is out doing whatever…with whomever. I just want to be missed ya know? I want someone (him) to feel like he lost something too…I’m sorry. I know it’s late and I appreciate you getting back to me so quickly. Thank you Judah.

      2. Truthfully imsa u will never know if he’s on gay sites or not. I didn’t until I found a number and called then found his emails from the tranny site. He still denies being on them even w hard printed copies of his profiles!! I guarantee they hide way more than we will ever be capable of handling if we knew all of it. They’re sick!

      3. Mine was a misogynist homophobe who would be openly attracted to trannies. He only jerked off to tranny porn up to 6 times a day. He claimed his doctor told him he needed to. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what strange things mine got up to. It gives me the creeps just thinking about him and his ways. Glad he’s gone!!!! I can’t believe he nearly destroyed me. Turns out I win 🙂

      4. Interesting, Jaq. I think mine had strong homosexual tendencies too. Though he certainly wasn’t open about it – but from some of the rumors I heard and his behavior or appetite for certain intimate situations, I really do suspect.

  7. I’ve decided to believe they are unhappy n miserable too. They fake happiness to hurt us. But they know they r inhuman And don’t like themselves. I choose to believe he is miserable knowing I will be happy one day and he will never be.

    1. I must say that it takes a long while to get over the “dream” that our sociopaths promised us. The dream we strived for was a normal happy family. The facade. Because my dream man I married. We had 3 children, who are remarkably wonderful given the mixed messages and straight out psychoville we lived in.
      Nearly 30 years of it.
      After I finally left there was the massive and predictible smear campaign. 2
      of my 3 children believed it for a year and a half. I did not smear him back, and figured the truth would bear itself out. It did. My children adults now are all in therapy to deal w the loss of the father they thought was real. I am sad sometimes when I am at functions that would be nice to have a husband at my side, but I conveniently forget the hell I endured on the way to social events where he would choose a. Silent rx. Or b screaming and sswearing and slamming his fist on steering wheel while speeding and driving and ignoring my pleas to let me out of the car.
      Obviously there is much more. I can’t say it is easy to get out of this sort of relationship, However for me, I am a bit healthier out. He is niw old and more sick.So, I have him to fake family events, only because he is in a “home” now. He now threatens to sue me, calls and tells me to take him home, gets kicked out of places for going to porn sites (still). All while major milestones are being met in our childrens lives. So I put a brave face on and I do it alone.
      I bring him to events if necessary, but it puts me in bed dt the stress for a day or so.
      Do not marry one of these cluster b personality disordered people. They arr recreational liars and have no empathy. They will destroy your finances…..yup. 30 yrs into it this chump found out all she saved was stolen.
      So at a fairly ripe age, I continue to work w no house anymore, an old car and no credit. I count myself lucky to be out, but the toll on my health has been long and hard work to overcome.
      Learn from me…kick the asshole soulless piece of shit to the curb. It hurts for a long time. But do it before 30 years have passed. Your life is before you. They present you with the meanest lie ever. That they will love you and cherish you and the family you create together until you grow old together. The truth in that is there is no truth in that. It is a big fat lie. Which you and any children you have together will always be sad about. You can move on of course, but the sadness will remain at some level. It is like a death. But it never really ends. You detach, find nrw things. New people. And all of that…it gets easier w time.

      1. Bewildered. I can’t detach. It’s so easy for them. I’m left w nothing but a hole that I fell into. It’s been a bad bad bad bad day for me and im trying so hard to hang on. I am falling into a million pieces at the moment. I need someone to hold me up. This is beyond torture and pain!! Anybody? Anything?? Please?

      2. I am truly sorry for what you’re going through and can relate to some of your experiences. You have everything in you to look at the ruins and discover what’s left, I read the book of Nehemiah and it helped me understand it better. There is nothing that can own or control you other than yourself and what you allow yourself to be subjected to. Your emotions are scattered and all for a reason to be discovered & put back together again like the walls built in Nehemiah, but first you will need to look at the ruins & learn to understand it. Anna Quindlens speech also helped me when she stated, and I quote, “Or what John Lennon wrote before he was gunned down in the driveway of the Dakota: “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.” Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you’d care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast? Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze over Seaside Heights, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water gap or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a cheerio with her thumb and first finger.
        Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Each time you look at your diploma, remember that you are still a student, still learning how to best treasure your connection to others. Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Write a letter. Kiss your Mom. Hug your Dad. Get a life in which you are generous.And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. It is so easy to exist instead of live. I learned to live many years ago.
        Something really, really bad happened to me, something that changed my life in ways that, if I had my druthers, it would never have been changed at all. And what I learned from it is what, today, seems to be the hardest lesson of all. I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the world and to try to give some of it back because I believed in it completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling others what I had learned. And think of life as a terminal illness because if you do you will live it with joy and passion, as it ought to be lived.”

        You have to sometimes and especially at times like these “see the forest for the trees” I’ve recently lost my ex-wife who suffered an aneurysm, we were divorced over 4 years ago. We have 2 children. I was also dating an Anglican female priest soon after our divorce who I met on fb and the fairy tale ended with the double whammy of losing my ex-wife & my fiancé who is a female Anglican priest who at the time played her vicious, sick insensitive game up to & including the time of my ex-wife’s passing. I went through each and every experience described in Martha Stout’s book the Sociopath next door & including the posts on this blog. I have learned much & despite the hardships I’m faced with both financially, loss for loved ones, I find the reason for God keeping me here becomes more clearer moment by moment, day by day & recipe by recipe, one goal I’ve set out has been realized in just over the two months I’ve broken contact is my daughter’s loving hug for the pancakes I’m still struggling with to make, the nicest thing is that she genuinely loves them, not out of pity & if I may say so, they not bad at all, they’re just slightly thicker than the usual ones but my daughter loves them just like that. My pasta dishes are a family favourite my son loves my pasta & hopefully in a year I’d be the Sunday toast when I put myself to cooking the Sunday roast for the family, for a single Dad battling immense odds with unemployment thrown in too, I’m still getting up each morning, making breakfast & loving this journey amidst it all I’ve found out what’s more important in a way I never thought I would.

        I cherish the very words “You’re worth it” and I know we’re all worth much better than the circumstances we find ourselves in, there’s nothing better than walking into a new life…it’s starts by walking away and letting go.

  8. This site has been the best so far. I enjoyed and fully understand what was happening to me now. It has put every year in to content and I am now fuly concerned with my self. I do love myself, and now see this as a learning curve. Thank you so much. Please post me anything which coud be useful to my recovery, I have had 12 long years of it, thought there was no way out, now I’m out I shall stay OUT.

    1. Good for you Karen 🙂
      I am free after 10 years & have found the support here crucial to my recovery 🙂
      Positiva has shared her pain with us & allowed us to share ours which is phenomenal 🙂
      I am loving my freedom & like you love my real self once more.
      Continue to grow & heal as you are not alone, we share your pain, your rebirth & thank you
      for joining us 🙂

      Be Happy, Stay Strong.
      Love & light to you.
      PR xoxo

    2. Good keep going Karen, and we will support you here. 12 years is a long time, so be realistically about the length of time for recovery too. I would suggest the post how to find the person in the mirror (I think its in the healing and recovery section) – as you need to find you again, but you wont be the same person that you were 12 years ago. So, in some senses this is time for a fresh start, and to build a whole new life.

  9. @positivagirl

    Another great post. So true. It’s been a year now since my ex spath discarded me (it was 2nd time) and it is some 9 months that I rejected any communication with him. When I read these previous comments it made me remember that in the early period when he dumped me, I was in that terrible, terrible state just like these previous posters. So I can only say that you keep reading this site and other information about sociopaths, establish no contact, because if you don’t, like one of the previous posters wrote, the sociopath will destroy you. You have to have no contact, so that you can detoxify from poisonous sociopath. That is an essential prerequisite for you to get out of the fog, re gain yourself. All the posts on this site are so well written, it is good to read them many times, over and over again, it will influence your brain and help you. I am doing well, I know I am recovering am happy that I moved away so much from the terrible state I was in. Sometimes, some memory or thought makes me feel bad, but I know it is detoxification and that it will be less and less. I don’t give much importance to it. Just a few days ago I noticed another great step forward: I had a coffee with my friend to whom I always talked about my spath (I was letting it out) … last time we had coffee few days ago… when we parted, I suddenly realized that we haven’t mentioned my spath at all, that I actually forgot! Wow 🙂

    1. It is so true! This is an effort that takes time and strenght, you are recovering the most important thing in your life, yourself, your dignity, your peace.
      As everyday pass I count one by one my blessings -.I don’t have to guess on what humor he wakes today, I don’t have to put my phone on vibration so he doesn’t start a new fight analyzing every phone call or text message that I received, without him I can go to the places I want and smile without bothering of his critic, I don’t have to look to the floor to avoid conflict, I don’t have to search for the seat that look to the wall on the restaurants so he don’t start saying I’m flirting, without him I don’t have to be “perfect” (with his strange changing standards), without him I have money on my wallet, without him I don’t have to get to bed everyday with tears on my eyes, without him I learned to love and respect myself.

    2. Great post…and the idea of “detoxifying” via no contact is so true and important I think…it is vital…I tossed my female sp out 6 weeks ago…it has been hell of course…but this week finally felt the fog lifting in a big way…feeling very strong…it isnt even bothering me that she is living with her 18 year old bf (she is 43!) right down the road from me…have at it kids! not sure why I feel so good this week…but certainly it has to do with the detoxification process…and I realize that whatever insane and sick behavoir that is unfolding now has nothing to do with me and is out of my life…god help her new victims…but I am done and clear…when you detox and have no contact with the virus you begin taking care of yourself…this week I rode 300 km’s on my bike (I am a cyclist)…it felt so damn good to get back to my life and my interests…I was surprised when a few folks I know made comments as to how healthy I looked and one woman said to me “you have the most gorgeous smile…”…I think that was the first compliment I have heard in the 9 months since the sp entered my life and the sheer gratuity and kindness of it made me feel so nice…

      1. Awwwww Cash I’ve heard similar complements since mine left. Has been a rough road but I remind myself of all the BS.

      2. They are experts on putting a blinfold so we are the only ones who can’t see what they really are. My mom says “he was a controlling
        boy when you first met him, 25 years later he is still the same, the only thing that changed is that he is an old boy now” My daughter can’t be near him, she just said “he is a bad guy, a halloween guy”

      3. I ask myself is this a person I would want around my 3 yr old granddaughter? Him as her grandparent? Him as my daughters stepdad? During moments I can’t be strong for myself I think how they both deserve so much more. And I would never want them to end up w someone like him either. Then my own sanity comes back and I continue to fight for myself and stand my ground.

    1. Hi wish!
      I don’t know how far into this you are or not, but mine just left me and I keep hoping that I was the one too! In fact…he would even call me that…his “one.” I know what you are feeling right now and it’s devastating…because you look at that person and wonder how he can say one thing one day and then turn a switch the next…it’s a cycle of crazy that I never thought I would ever be in and it made me do things and act out in a way that I never have before! I have literally snapped and the downward spiral that I was going in would have probably killed me. I did try to end things because of the severe pain I was in just last week….I stopped before it got too far, but I have the horrible scar on my wrist now to show me everyday how close I came. And you know what? This person who said I was his “one” texted me while I had locked myself in his apartment and was threatening to do it and told me how to do it the right way! That’s just horrible isn’t it? Who would ever say that to someone? You wouldn’t…I wouldn’t. It’s going to take everything in your power to walk away…I wasn’t brave enough…he dumped me. Be the brave one…walk away so that at least you have your dignity and pride left. It’s worse if you feel that you have lost all that too. Prayers to you my friend.

  10. This is a tough day for me. I’m just over two months removed from my monster. I was the one who “ended it” by discovering and confronting the woman I suspected he was cheating on me with. Turns out, she got wise to him looooong before I did and dumped his psycho ass within a month. I was with him for almost 9 months and she was actually the one who pointed me to look at the definition of a sociopath/psychopath and realize that nothing about our relationship was ever real. I posted more of my story in the comments of the ruining/smearing post but I don’t think it ever got published, for some reason. Anyway, I haven’t heard a peep from him in 2 months and I suppose it’s because I exposed him but I definitely don’t mind the silence. What I mind is the pervasive, all-consuming, constant fear that he will come back and make good on all those threats to destroy me and to teach me a lesson. A lesson for what?? I know it makes no sense and I don’t deserve it but I cannot stop being afraid. Those threats were how he responded to me discovering that he was cheating. I called the police after 7 or 8 hours of it and that finally made him stop with the threatening texts. Haven’t heard from him and I haven’t contacted him but I can’t stop worrying that the day will come.

    There’s so much more to the story but I’ve read enough of the testimonies here to realize that you all know exactly what I’m talking about. We all could have been dating the same person from the sounds of it. I find that painfully and beautifully heart-breaking. Thank you all for sharing here.

      1. thank you 🙂 I’ve gotten so much comfort from this site just in reading the stories of everyone here. I wish none of us had to hurt and I hate knowing there are so many of out here but it’s so helpful to know you aren’t alone.

  11. Thought I’d share this quote below, my apologies if it’s has been shared but it pretty much kept me in a good reflective, pensive space and I believe the conscience we have makes the difference…

    “Siddhārtha Gautama Bhudda (“Awakened One”)

    “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.”
    You become what you think about or in other words: what you focus on grows in your life and from what you take your focus away from diminishes. This is also the message of the law of attraction, recently very popular by the movie and book“The Secret“.
    It means that the mind is directing our life in the way we manifest the life around us by the thoughts and directions we take with our mind. Since everything we created around us is first created in the mind, it is the tool or the interface between our self and the material world.
    Another quote of Buddha with a similar message here is“He is able who thinks he is able”. This also shows the creative power of the mind and if we are able to consciously use it in that way – avoiding negative thoughts and utilizing empowering thoughts – we use it in a supportive manner.

    1. Thank you for sharing Ashley. I believe that we are what we think and to put positive energy out there. What you put out there is what comes back towards you. I share these beliefs.

  12. I am so sorry for everyones grief, including myself. Im am back together with mine hoping it stays this way, Im happy right now, I can only say I hope this lasts…. Peace an love

    1. Bewildered how many times have u been back n forth? I feel like I backslid today. I got no sleep. Was very upset at my dysfunctional family issue and I saw mine early this morning. I broke down sobbing. Of course he was nice but told me to move on. We argued over a few things that happened recently and he went into work. Then I was faced w more family issues and I am completely drained of every ounce of humanness I have in me!! I feel desperate that I need him back bc of family stuff going on. Yet I also want to give up and run away from the entire world. People I hurt so bad I can’t comprehend my whole world is gone. Family. Friends. Him. And they all blame me like I’m crazy and need locked up. My mom makes up things in her head and actually believes it Nd blames me!! I cannot win for losing and I don’t even know what to think anymore about anything

      1. Hi Judah, I feel like my whole friggin life is just one big backslide, hes in my system for 25 yrs. Sending u hugs and kisses you have been fthrough alot as well. Peace an love…

  13. I cant believe how all these stories hit home. I really need to talk to someone but i am ashamed. I feel i deserve the pain i am in right now. 9 yrs ago, my husband and i were having problems ( i think he was having an affair etc). My brother passed away and 6 mo later my dad. I was at an all time low. Im not trying to make excuses for my behaviour but there has to be a reason that i had the over whelming attraction to the man i had an affair with. I never in my life cheated on anyone. But its like i couldnt control it. My story is a little different since i was never in a complete relationship it was an affair. But this man made me feel so special. I craved him. The sexual attraction was intense. Everything was going good and out of the blue after 1 yr, he tells me he cant have any contact with me because he was going to try to make it work with his girlfriend of 4 yrs ( that he cheated on with sev woman) im certain the only reason he was trying is because he had to get temp full custody of his daughter and needed her help. As soon as the daughter went back to mom that girlfriend was replaced but before that he told her all about me with no regard that i am married with kids. It got very ugly and henever showed anounce of compassion its just iver. Deal with it. He was even mean about it. . He has been married 2x and has 3 kids to 3 diff woman. He never had much contact with the 1st child and only had the 2 nd one day a week ( maybe) and the same with the 3 rd. before one woman is out the door he already has another in the pic. He cheated on the last 3 with me and others. He can be so sweet one time we talk and 2 days later if we talk he will be callus. I met him because my mom did business with him. When he and i had the falling out because of his girlfriends games, we decided to swith companies. In the meantime i learned he didnt have my moms $ and charged her a huge interest rate. I reported him and nothing happened yet. He and i since then started talking etc again. This time around he had alot more rules i had to follow just to be his friend. I didnt want to fall into the same pattern again so i called him and told him nicely and nervously that i couldnt do it and please dont call me. He flipped out and just started yelling like a crazy person and saying hurtful things. Very hateful. Im sorry there is so much to tell. I cant sort thru this on my own. I of course forgave him and he seemed sorry, but within a week we talked and he was callus again.

  14. I just about burst into tears reading this topic. I seriously thought if was just ME who went through this “Silent Treatment” NIGHTMARE! What kind of monster even does this to another human being??? When I was with Mr. Sociopath, that was the worst pain ever!. It was just as you said. I would literally go from one extreme to being made to feel like I was super special to him and he was terrified of losing me with his obscene, irrational jealousy and accusations to the other extreme of absolutely NOTHING!

    He would disappear without warning for a three weeks or a month and this was in the supposed honeymoon period. I would text and text and beg him to come back, apologizing profusely for things that were completely ridiculous and no human should have to say sorry for! Anything I could thing of that I might have done or said wrong, I was crying and asking for forgiveness even though I knew I hadn’t really done anything to hurt or wrong him. Went he left, all of a sudden I would have nothing because everybody else he had already drove away. And what a joke with the crap he was doing behind my back, that I later found out about. I wish I hadn’t been that stupid!

    The “Silent Treatment” was the worst! After all the different forms of abuse, theft, lies and sick things he did to me, I can’t think of any times that were more painful and torturing during these episodes. And I admit, I made myself look like a nutcase and a stalker trying to get him to talk to me and reason with him. Meanwhile, he was sitting there most likely laughing at me, showing his friends and making me into a joke. Now ironically he is in jail, writing that he “misses” me. This website has really made me stronger, though I was reading about sociopaths before. I can see his insincerity so clearly in his letters.. I have been tempted to write to him “ha ha ha” how does it feel to be the one now who is cut off from your freedom, your friends and everything else that ever meant anything to you! But what is the point??? I’m just giving him the attention he wants and showing I still care. So as hard as it is, not to write 100 pages of telling him about all he pain he caused me and reminding him of the bad things he did – it’s redunant – he is a sociopath, he doesn’t care!!! I don’t want him to enjoy one bit of satisfaction of thinking that I still do, and as also said on this website, time to focus on me! Not reopen old wounds and give him power to pour more salt in them!

    1. Ocgirl. Sounds like I wrote UR post! I hope to be glad he’s gone one day. Sometimes I still find myself wanting to beg n plead. He just acts like we r so incompatible that its time to move on. It’s all my fault for not “straightening up”. I was so good to him too. He always said he knew I would do anything for anybody.

      I’ve been grieving for 3 wks now. Pretty hard last few days. Last night I chose my personal closure. I am hoping to have the strength for NC and truly let him go whether I ever hear from him again or not.

      1. Hi Judahbug,
        I grieve too. It’s so painful. This website really is one of the few things that keeps me on track. I have finally put myself on dating sites though I’m not really that interested in anybody who responds to my ad, because I still pine for him and want him, and everybody else seems boring or doesn’t give me the same adrenaline rush. But at least it helps my horribly damaged self esteem at least a little bit. I guess it’s a time thing, we just have to realize that one day all this pain and longing will pass and we will be happy because we are free of these awful excuses for human beings and the sickness they cause us and we are with real people who do love us and don’t try to deliberately hurt us and bring us down because they want to control another person to get themselves off. I pity them, they are just empty and pathetic, unable to ever find real happiness. I know I’m not at the truly “free” point yet, but I feel I’m at least better than before. I’m sure you are too or you wouldn’t be posting on this site:)

  15. Hi OCgirl!

    Yep…me too…I went absolutely crazy…did things I would have never done. Crawled on the fucked floor through the very door he was trying to throw me out of! Locked myself in his apartment and started to cut my wrist! Saying I’m sorry for being so out of control when he was the one who cheated! And I was the forgiving one…was even going to forgive that…him being intimate with another woman…and he still dumps me! Why? Because I was the one who “crossed the line!” Does it make you feel any better that he is in jail? I almost wish mine was too…at least I would know he wasn’t fucking anybody else! I am only a week in…how long has it been for you?

    1. MiHi Judah, I feel like my whole friggin life is just one big backslide, hes in my system for 25 yrs. Sending u hugs and kisses you have been fthrough alot as well. Peace an love…

      1. Mine has been in jail one yr. I spoke to him twice. I think that madw a big difference, no contact for a yyr. Things r great now, ha lets see how long this lasts.

    2. I did the cutting also – I was so distraught, and frustrated I cut the hell out of my leg in attempt to both get his attention back and deal with the internal pain. I even ended up in the hospital over it. He promised me no more “silent treatment”, and then surprise, surprise he doesn’t turn up yet again one night and the phone keeps going to voicemail. No reply to the flat out pathetic begging for any kind of response on the text messages either. I told a friend on yahoo messenger that I felt like killing myself, she ended up calling the cops, the cops came in and looked at my computer messages and next thing I know I’m carted off and made to stay in a hospital overnight. They asked me who they should contact, and me not having in family in the US, only had him as a contact. I didn’t think he would even answer the phone, but he did for that call and came and picked me up the next morning. The sick thing was I so thankful when the nurse told me he was coming to get me and so happy to see him, that I totally forgot that all the pain he caused and his pathetic games were the reason I was in there in the first place!

      And yes I do feel 1000 times better that he is in jail. I tried for months to put him in there myself – both out of revenge for all the lies, time wasted, cheating, credit card and check fraud. One of the most repulsive and humiliating things he ever did to me ever was on this past Valentines Day. Not only did he stand me up, he stole my paypal card that had my rent money on it and went to an Asian Massage parlor and got a “dirty” massage for 2 or 3 hours and then tipped the girl $50 on top of it. Of course “nothing happened” during this massage. This was after we hadn’t been intimate forever, because he had lost interest me. My self esteem was already way down the toilet and I had felt rejected and ugly or something.. He then proceeded to spend the weekend driving all over Orange County on my money, visiting girls he’d been chasing on facebook and reloading his phone minutes the most expensive way possible, he didn’t care, I was paying for it all! $500 later when I go to pay the rent and can’t – that was about the turning point when I had had enough. I called the police and finally reported everything, but it was too late. At this point they didn’t take me seriously and wondered why I had waited so long. They looked at me weird and said at my age, I should know better. I was so angry, because the only thing I had over him were my constant threats to put him in jail and now I had lost that. But, kharma is a bitch, because he couldn’t help but hang himself 2 months later with 1st degree burglary charges while being on formal probation for 2nd degree burglary. I had tried to stop speaking to him, but he had come around a week before, homeless and all his clothes had been stolen while he was sleeping in his car. Apparently he preferred this lifestyle than being with me. I felt pity for him but he felt no pity for me when I lost it at one point and cried over the massage parlor, he just lay in bed and was irritated for me disturbing his sleep. No emotion or remorse whatsoever. When I heard later he was in jail I never felt more elated. After receiving his letter, I burst into tears, but then remembered how he had laughed and mocked me for being so stupid to believe his love letters from jail the first time he was there. He said, well every guy writes that stuff because there is nothing else to do – yeah right”I really love you and want to marry you” and starts laughing – what a jackass!

      I do love it that he is behind bars, I’m going to give all my evidence to the DA and try and get him a longer sentence. As you said he can’t go screw anybody else, I have the time to go look for other guys and not even think of him as an option because he can’t be. And by the time he gets out, should at least be a year before this happens, I hope I am completely over him and with somebody else. I really want to write him with sarcasm – “why did you even write me – shouldn’t this chick, that one and whoever else be who you are writing too. The ones you said were so much hotter and better than me. Oh what they don’t care about you, oh well – Serves you right for never valuing and respecting the girl who was always there for you for five years, and putting these b**ches on a damn pedalstool!” I sound so bitter after rereading this, I hope one day soon I can laugh it all off!

      1. Ocgirl u don’t sound bitter to me at all. Sounds very similar to me. I have no family support either. Mine would rather have me locked up somewhere and they have in the past so I stay away from them. I think I’ve gone downhill this wknd since finding out my only daughter and granddaughter moved their family back to Texas a month ago and everyone knew but me. She wants nothin to do with me Nd I’m suppose to roll over and accept that. All I do is sleep cry avoid life. Nobody cares and I’m to the point where I don’t either. I didn’t even get up today till 1:00 pm my time. I feel like he ruined my life and killed everything about me inside. And nobody gives a damn so why should I. I have my dogs and so far held onto my job. I dunno how. Otherwise I know everyone would be much happier if I was gone. Bc guess what? They already cut me out and I’m already gone to them! So now that I have nothing what’s the point. I just don’t care anymore.

      2. Judahbug, I am very similar, I think we all are on this website in one way or another. I have my three cats, I do ebay for a living, I don’t drive and stay in the house about 90% of the time. I can’t wait until nighttime to take my xanax so I can sleep and escape how lonely I feel and pathetic I feel my life is. I want five years of my life back that he took when I had friends and self confidence. He told me I will never have a family now, it is too late for me. I believed him. I hate waking up, because that is when I feel the worst and think what is the point, my life is already over! I am lucky enough to have a couple of friends who despite, not really understanding why I’m so upset over a piece of crap that I should have been over a long time ago, are there for me as much as they can be. But this situation is also hard because they are also a couple and it reminds me of what I don’t have and I often feel like the third wheel, though they try very hard not to let me feel that way and they want their alone time of course.

        All of this stuff is very humiliating and embarrassing for me to admit, but I’m doing it because I want you and others to know you aren’t the only ones who feel alone or have nobody or nothing to wake up for. I’m sure you have friends and people who do care about you, Mr. Sociopath has just temporarily made you feel this way. That’s what they do. And I’m so grateful for my cats and my fish too, lol, because they all give me a purpose and a reason to get out of bed each morning when I feel sick to my stomach and just plain sad. I’m trying to believe life will get better, that there is a reason we have suffered from these “people” and there are good things in the future to look forward to. I don’t know what yet – but I’m starting to believe there is life out there beyond Mr. Sociopath!

      3. I dunno ocgirl. My daughter n mom n others have already said they don’t want anything to do with me. So if that is love it’s just as sick as my Ps kind of love was. All I care to do us sleep n like u mornings are hardest. I don’t even wanna wake up. I just sleep and if/when I do get up I only wanna sit here and stare at the floor. Other than read this site I don’t care for much more. I’m tired of people telling me to move on, get over it, disengage, find someone else, etc. I’m tired of the abuse I lived from not only him but my family too. I thought I was BPD but I’ve learned that my struggles have all been situational bc of my parents and now my P. so truth is I am normal for the most part. I’m angry hurt upset confused and I feel abandoned by him and my daughter. My mother can stay the hell away from me! She’s worse than my P was which is prob why I was a perfect candidate for him. I wish I had not gone to see him yesterday morning. I know he doesn’t care. That was a waste of time.

  16. I been thinking. He always said I didn’t trust him and accused me of looking at his phone even when I didn’t. That’s just more of his game Nd sickness to make it my fault right? Trust has to be earned and he ruined that along time ago. His leaving wasn’t my fault.

  17. This is where I am at right now as well….no contact month one and no positive contact month two and a half. Everything was wonderful then one day to the next. I know this isn’t love and I need to find that person that I am meant to have that with. This is the fourth time he has walked out with the same excuses in seven years. My fourth time with no contact. My fourth time in a depression where I feel as part of me is missing and yet I know there may be no truth to anything I was ever told. How can you love and miss something that is so bad for you?

    1. Bunny I agree. This is the 7th or 8th time I’ve had him walk away. It’s prob my fault for being so sick and begging him back all those other times. But I don’t know where he is this time. The abandonment is hardest for me. I feel so unwanted by everyone in my life. That’s is what depresses me. I know I will find someone one day but right now I only want someone to talk to Nd I don’t have that. And I’m not saying it has to be a man either. I mean a real friend who cares.

      1. Juduah, have you tried counselling to work through all of the other losses in your life? You say that the abandonment is the hardest I am wondering if this is something that you could work through with a therapist to strengthen you so that you do not go back, as it will only continue the circle of abuse again. You know he will come back at some point, but you deserve so much better!

      2. I do have a counselor who uses EMDR. I has worked thru a lot of what my mom and family had done. I was doing pretty well w my P until the last 4-5 days. His silence gets to me bc that’s what’s daughter does and he knows it. I think finding out she moved here a month ago triggered me and I’ve been so upset. He was the only one who understood how hurtful she was being and I now I feel needy for him again. I see my counselor on Mondays so I’m looking forward to seeing her this week. Although I think I see her Thursday this time. Anyway I don’t expect he will be back so I haven’t been thinking about that. He was pretty adamant he wasn’t happy w me and I need to move on. I’ve been sleeping today to catch up on what i lost so I feel a little better. I just got hit w my mom and everyone again pretty hard yesterday and they can literally destroy anybody. I usually stay away. I deleted all their numbers and will never see them again. My pastor and my counselor all think that’s best too

      3. Gee Judahbug it’s bad enough dealing with a Soc but, you have a lot of toxic people that also come into play.
        It’s incredibly hard but, you must remain strong as you are strong 🙂
        Imagine how great you will eventually feel with all of these losers out of your life 🙂
        You are not alone here but, we all walk our journey alone. Trust in yourself,you are your own best friend (Me,Myself & I ) & surround yourself with positive people that give you strength 😉

        Strive to love yourself, you deserve better & you are worthy 😉

        Love & light xoxo
        PR

      4. Thanks PR. I always have a bad few days after my mom. But I try to have no contact w her. She hasn’t seen me in almost a year. Last time was last August 13 when my dad died. She’s not diagnosed but shes got to be a narcissistic psychopath or the freaking devil himself! I would rather put up w my P than her bc at least there are periods of fake love. Ha! Anyway. I’m sorry I’ve been down this wknd and vented so bad. It’s been very hard

        For anybody else that has trouble w family and parents the book Toxic Parents or Will I Ever be Good Enough is awesome!!

      5. You are free to vent if it helps 🙂
        We are here for you as we all share our experience & find support on here which has been incredible 🙂
        We have each other & anytime you want to vent feel free.
        We care about you so, you are not alone 🙂
        You have friends here & an outlet for your feelings as we don’t know you & do not judge you 🙂

        Be Happy Today/Night….keep moving through & have a look at Oprah’s site & join in the meditation challenge with Deepak Chopra… It’s free & really helps 🙂

        Be kind to youself,
        Love & light to you
        PR xoxo

      6. The best choice is to show love, it is in your deepest, darkest time of despair that love should be the choice, no matter what. I know this won’t ruin you, because you have a conscience and it binds you to choosing love over and above all else.
        I won’t go as far as saying what love can do and it’s measure of bringing us here. The outcome of your bad situation is your decision and choice power over it, we have an underserved reward of grace that was given to us through Christ. It is in your making to do likewise, love them, it’s the best thing you can do for yourself, I hope and pray strength for you and your family, you’re not alone as I am in the midst of similar issues, and being here helps

      7. Thanks Ashleyv. I’m learning to forgive only thru Christ bc I cannot do it alone. In Him I am also letting them go bc they are dangerous to me. As a person I merely grieve of wanting that mother to love me like every other human usually has. I did not have that. But I did get some sleep today and I feel a little better.

      8. Awesome, the days will get better, what helped me is a numbered list of motivations I’ve written down, my first one which usually is a clearing for me and a MUST DO!

        1. Clean up your mental and dental act…

        Which to me means meditate, clear your mind let absolutely nothing negative into it, this is a sacred space to preserve my well being and the dental act is usually the first thing we do, so clean up your mental act each day as natural as the first thing we do each day and take everything as it comes with a clearer perspective, life is not your past, live it renewed each day, I have to as a single Dad each day, learning to cook, finding the peace within myself has helped me tremendously with all that has gone wrong has me a little more
        focused. I like a kid with an adults’ experience knowing what I know, more and more finding joy and laughter more appealing.

        I believe you will be just perfectly fine someday

        🙂

      9. Ashleyv. I have been crying out. Seeking Him. Broken. So broken! On my face before The Lord tonight. Trying to surrender all my family. My daughter. My mom. My ex P. trying to surrender the pain. I know I had to repent my own sins and I have done that. I shouldn’t ever lived w my P especially before marriage. Things I’ve said or done to anyone else I have always apologized for. Their nonforgiveness is not my control. I’m not going to check any profiles ofy ex. No emails. No anything w him or my family. I lay them all at His feet. If my daughter comes back around it will be bc of His will and not my own. I prayed for His comfort and healing bc only He can. I give Darrell and my daughter/family to Him. I want to be in His presence bc that’s where peace lives. So. Now I have publicly confessed I am so unholy compared to Him. But I know He has saved and forgiven me for my part in everything. Amen.

      10. You have unfinished business with your daughter, Mom and your Ex, this is not over, you can fix this, I’m not one to give advice, I’m more of a sharing caring natured person. I think it would be good to get a mediator as a “go-between” you and your loved ones, look at all the good in them and as difficult as it may seem now, what you have inside you for them will outweigh all the bad, commit yourself to that and the pain will slowly dissipate.
        What is it that you want? and if the challenge to renew things between you all is a goal for you, then I’m just that much happier knowing that it’s better to be the warmer one in this, sometimes being right or self destructive has little to do with writing out a good ending, if this was a book you were writing, how would you write that ending is who you really are. We all have desires, longings & seek fulfillment more than we know. How interesting it is when we look at our story how we fit in and want to fit in, my 11 year old daughter makes me feel on top of the world on days when I was all giving up and spent. Write your story, read it out aloud to yourself, then go and live it out and let the serenity prayer take care of the rest

      11. I think the fear of abandonment is one anxiety that they all love to focus on because it is so easy for them to control us that way. It is is the perfect scenario for the sociopaths, where they can both have their cake and eat it too. They get to go cheat, freak us out by disappearing, place the blame on us with their bizarre rationality that we somehow caused it them to leave and they totally have us under their thumb as we sit at home fretting over them. They know we aren’t going anywhere, and as traumatized as we become from this scenario we somehow know eventually they will always come back – usually at the point we still wait for them,we might believe they are coming back because deep down somewhere in their souls they actually do really love us. It is the grand illusion, we don’t realize who we are dealing with and are not properly equipped. In reality, they just quickly exhausted another source they were using, who lucky for them weren’t emotionally invested in Mr. Sociopath, the way we were. Thus that game is over, time to return to the easy prey.

    2. I guess because sociopaths especially charismatic ones, do have their good points. And this is what you miss. It is their destructive behaviour that you are better off without. Unfortunately one does not come without the other. So you have to make a choice – to let go, as the bad is very bad for you. But to accept that – there were also parts that you loved…. but no matter how much love you pour in it will never be enough. You cannot really fix a broken mind, the repeated pattern will always continue. Which will bring further heartache. Maybe this time you won’t let him back?

      1. That is exactly right….they leave you in such a state that there is no way you will be able to move on to a healthy and functional relationship right away. Depending on where you are at with things and how much time you invested that finding your true self can take some time. So meanwhile they do what ever it is that they do when they are away and you sit trying to pick up the pieces, totally confused, heartbroken, and lost. Just when you are getting your life together and starting to forget about them they come back. All new and improved….because you believe in love you take them back. But as I have failed to learn the last three times I took him back….things are only good for a short time and then you are right back where you started.

      2. Bunny I’m trying to understand this coming back thing so I can be prepared. The past 6 times I was always begging pleading Nd found where he left to. This time I dunno where he is. I dunno his number. I don’t hear from him and he doesn’t hear from me like before when I begged him home. Last conversation he was ally about how we r too different And he’s unhappy and I should move on finding someone else. He has a lot of love for me. Whatever the hell that means. I mean I love my dog too right? I’ve heard from one of his exes and she thinks its strange I haven’t heard from him. I figure its bc I know too much and he’s laying low. He knows I still care bc I was so upset at first. Anyway am I being naive to think he won’t be back this time? Then again part of me says to prepare myself bc he will get tired of his online stuff and his cycle is usually 2-4 months. I have other probs to worry about besides this P.

      3. Hey Judahbug,
        If he realises you are finally onto him being a Soc then the game may be over.
        You may never hear from him again hopefully so, just try healing yourself.
        If he does return you won’t care once you gain your power back.

        Love & light to you…you are doing great…keep up the good work, your worth it!

        PR xoxox

      4. I know, Bunny. Each time I somehow managed to actually get myself further back in line than I was before in the OMG so much coveted position to be the number one girl in his life. Yeah, I don’t think that many other girls really cared, they were more interested in what he would do for them. He loved to do their errands and help them out with EVERYTHING! I couldn’t even get a ride to the store to get some food while this chick or that one got a complete day of being taxied around by him. And this was after the first time he got out of jail and BEGGED me, wrote me 100’s of love letters saying how it was just going to be me and him – and screw the rest of the world blah blah blah! Apparently my bitter toxic attitude after such incidents as him stealing from our rent is what would cause him to leave and make his business fall out of his pants with other women. Oh well if I had just kept that mouth of mine shut than we would have had a beautiful life together lol! Ok next delusional fantasy …

      5. That made me chuckle. My “problem” was my mouth too. If I just didn’t call him out on all his crap, we might have worked. lol yeah…me and MY big mouth. Ha!

      6. Well apparently it was even’t just my big mouth that was the problem! I had other severe problems with my character. For example, if I hadn’t left my cash “lying around” in my purse then he wouldn’t have been forced to take it and blow it at the casino and if I hadn’t dropped my credit card in his car then he wouldn’t have had to go use it at an exotic massage parlor to have his “happy ending”. Oh well, I will just have to try and work harder on these apparently unbearable flaws in my behavior. What that poor guy has been through and endured just for me! This a man, definitely worth fighting for before some other lucky woman gets her claws on him …. Taking the mickey out of him right now and laughing at him is definitely therapeutic!

      7. Mine always liked saying “straighten up”. He never would say what he meant. Then when he leaves he says I’m never going to change and we have diff lifestyles. Well yeah. Now that u started smoking pot every day and cheating w other women or getting on transsexual sites. Yrs we are very different. But this afternoon I feel forgotten. Like he really hates me for some reason that he has to go hide out.

      8. Oh absolutely oc I really believe in laughter being incredibly healing. It is so much better than focusing on hatred that only binds the sociopath to you. By laughing at their ludicrous ridiculous behaviour (your comments made me laugh too)…. as realistically that is exactly how it is — really does set you free. As it gives back their behaviour to them – and removes it from you!

      9. It’s my fault for not doing my nails every week. Or missing that spot cleaning the shower. Or only using half a bottle bleach in laundry instead of a whole bottle. How could I do those things?? !!!

  18. I know everybody here says that they always come back…they always call or get in contact again. I hate that I want this, of course, because I know it is best that he doesn’t, but sometimes things are actually “OVER” and the other person does leave you forever. Thing is…I want him back so badly. Even though he cheated…even though I tried to hurt myself…I miss him so much. I just got back from church and thought that would help…it should have. I ended up sitting there between all these strangers with my eyes tearing up thinking how lovely it was when we would go to church together…him putting his arm around me as we prayed to God together. My God what is wrong with me?

    1. He’s created a neediness in you for him, an addiction etc…you will eventually free yourself but, it takes time & a lot of heart break & hard work 😦
      You will be okay, stay strong, believe in yourself,keep busy & try to stop obsessing over the good times & remember how bad he has made you feel.
      If he was a decent person you would not be doing all this stuff & you don’t deserve what he has done but, it is real & damaging.
      Be strong & brave, you are not alone 🙂
      Do something that makes you feel good about yourself, something to take your mind off him if you can?

      PR x

    2. I quote u imsa. I miss mine at church too. And I think this wknd been hard wanting him back bc he always supported me when my family terrorized me. The daughter thing is excruciating and he use to comfort me. It was prob fake at the time an I just didn’t know it. I don’t think he will come back this time. I just need to get thru it

    3. There is nothing wrong with you. You have been emotionally abused. The sociopath deliberately creates addiction to him/her. This is what is happening like a crack addict who needs the next fix, you are waiting for the next fix to feel better. This is why it is hurting so much.

      You need to establish no contact. Even if he has walked from your life, you take the decision to not speak to him, and instead focus on you and your own life. It is painful at first, but as time goes on you will grow in strength. Remember that it is an addiction and having just one more fix will not wean you off of him.

      1. Good words positiva. I see mine as my heroine. I’ve never done drugs but I hear heroine is very damaging and addicting.

      2. Pos in that article u say they continue to contact u offering the drug playing the game. Manipulating u. Mine isn’t contacting me. He walked out and is silent. He says he’s not happy. Changed his number too. So he’s not continuing at this point. Or are these behaviors still fake?

      3. In my case, Judahbug, they were still fake. He went so far as not even having a cell phone so I couldn’t reach him. He blocked me from his facebook and blocked me from emailing him on gmail. Conveniently, he forgot to block me from reaching him on yahoo and those he would answer whenever he felt like it. I would get answers like this “Little update…..I’m moving…July 20…. already recievied transfer notice for probation…starting a new life…got a house all to my self and a job waiting for me..” This was a complete JOKE as usual and how funny 2 days later he is behind bars lol. I should say “oh, didn’t realize you were moving into a jail cell”! 20 days later he is all about missing me. And this time I really had thought he was gone for good, I had gotten some revenge. I made the fake facebook page in his name, sent it out to all his friends and HUMILIATED him as much as I good. I even put a video up of him passing gas in sleep. It’s on You Tube too! Plus I called the police on him over and over. Then him still trying to continue to suck me back in was not a good or even flattering thing anymore, it was almost insulting! I couldn’t even hurt him back, all he thinks is ” I bet she is still desperate and I can con her some more”. I used to get a thrill when he came back, now it’s more depressing when he tries to than when he didn’t. ALL FAKE!

    4. Yes Positiva a right & it’s so hard to listen to what you should do when you are still stuck in fog & can’t see your way out. You will & you will get stronger as we have all been stuck & inch by inch move forward. Take some time out somewhere away from your thoughts if you can? Do you meditate? Go for a walk, exercise,craft??? Just keep busy but don’t be alone with the chattering mind that we all live with when things get crazy.

      Be gentle with yourself as you are nursing a broken heart 😦
      Take care of you, your not alone here 🙂

      Love & light
      PR 🙂

      1. @PR

        Yes, it is inch by inch moving forward and getting better, with hard work. Well said. I get bad moments (today I am so tired physically but also mentally).. and I do get my thoughts back to my ex spath, I realize that I have moments (not whole days thankfully) when I go back to depression stage… but I am over ‘bargaining’, ‘anger’ and ‘denial’ stage…. That is over thankfully. Sociopath really does create addiction and it needs time, no contact to clear yourself from that…

      2. Hi Caerra,

        Yes it does take a lot of time & energy to keep focused on moving albeit in our own time 🙂

        Below are the lyrics of a song by Katie Melua, called Piece by Piece, I thought you might relate to it. It’s really a lovely song but, speaks volumes I think?

        First of all must go
        Your scent upon my pillow
        And then I’ll say goodbye
        To your whispers in my dreams
        And then our lips will part
        In my mind and in my heart
        Cause your kiss
        Went deeper than my skin

        Piece by piece
        Is how I’ll let go of you
        Kiss by kiss
        Will leave my mind one at a time
        One at a time

        First of all must fly
        My dreams of you and I
        There’s no point in holding on to those
        And then our ties will break
        For your and my own sake
        Just remember
        This is what you chose

        Piece by piece
        Is how I’ll let go of you
        Kiss by kiss
        Will leave my mind one at a time
        One at a time

        I’ll shed like skin
        Our memories of lazy days
        And fade away the shadow of your face

        Piece by piece
        Is how I’ll let go of you
        Kiss by kiss
        Will leave my mind one at a time
        One at a time
        One at a time
        One at a time

        Let me know what you think?
        PR 🙂

      3. @PR

        Thank you very much for the song. It is very touching, it actually made me cry 😦 Yes I can relate to every line of that song… Beside getting to know the real sociopath behind, I still loved (now I don’t know who, the illusion..) but have to let it go… even the illusion.. piece by piece …

      4. Yes Caerra,

        I’m glad you liked it but, didn’t mean to make you cry 😦
        It’s a slow process but, remember you have a broken heart so, be gentle with yourself 🙂
        They get right into the fabric of your being & it takes time for that to leave you.
        The experience probably never does fully. It just lessens with time hopefully & we recover our inner self so, the experience makes us realign with our mind/body & soul.
        That’s the best thing to come out of all of this 🙂

        Be brave, strong & guard your heart 🙂
        Love & Light
        PR xoxo

      5. PR,

        Thank you, your comments are always encouraging and move me forward:) It’s ok I guess it still hits me (that the song made me cry)… but it is good to know that I am looking forward not back… I was just googling some books about addictive relationships… I find it good to read more about all this … it makes me occupied and does the gradual distancing, I see it as an experience which moved me to some new insights…..which will, who knows, maybe lead me to that last stage… “acceptance, to let go with love, yes, even the lying sociopath” (huh sounds so unachievable:) Anyway, I am feeling better now! 🙂 My depression cloud has left me:), off to cook some lunch;)

      6. Hi Caerra 🙂

        Your welcome & you will eventually achieve acceptance & dare I say forgive the Sociopath.
        I have forgiven mine as I realise he cannot forgive himself because without empathy he is unable to do this. I forgive him his inability to feel or care as I can.
        Like you learning & understanding the Soc brings us closer to an awareness of ourselves & our own truth 😉
        I am glad I am finally free to think, feel & act with love….no controlling, lies or manipulation,
        feels pretty damn good. I still am dealing with the ugliness of the actions but am no longer
        blaming myself for being duped & compromised.

        You will get to this point, keep healing, be busy, love life…it’s a new beginning, bury the past & release the memory of the Soc.

        Think like a dog ie…If you can’t eat it, play with it, then pee on it & go run around unencumbered in the park!
        Your off the leash, stay off 😉

        Love & Light to you 😉
        PR xoxo

  19. @ ocgirlmelanie

    My ex spath also mentioned once “fear of abandonment”. He mentioned it in a context like why am I so worried where he is, with whom he is … if he doesn’t pick up the phone always?! He said to me … “is it fear of abandonment?” Now I know that all that time I felt that something was wrong, I felt anxiety… and he kept me in fog, lied, was unfaithful, pretended to be honest, and tried to ‘label’ me as some “fear of abandonment” person. Only years after the discard I found out about real him and that my intuition was right. My ex spath is very wordy, he goes regularly to psychiatrist (he justifies it as therapy because of the stress raising an autistic child)… but he actually uses his psychiatrist (a woman, btw) to obtain more information to be better in manipulating. I remember he used words for his father: control freak, “can’t negotiate with the abuser’ etc etc… Now I am reading a lot of these stuff and I see exactly the same phrases he obviously picked up from his psychiatrist.

    1. Caerra.
      That’s so creepy how they do that. They are almost like parrots, they mimic and regurgitate other peoples words and try to use them to do harm. They don’t seem to have one original thought of their own. My ex used to constantly mock me for trying to read up stuff on internet in order to understand him and why we had constant problems. I really feel so foolish now that I actually did believe so many of his absurd excuses for his disappearance acts. It was so obvious, I just didn’t want to see the truth. It would have just killed the romantic fantasy I had about him and at that time I would have felt like the world had ended and I would have nothing. The more I write about him and think about him now, the more I see him as a joke. What was I thinking and how was I that blind and stupid. He didn’t even have that much going for him – except that he was tall, good looking (he seems ugly now) and could be funny. He seemed to be there for me, but really wasn’t, he seemed to understand me but used that to just torture me. Really, the horrible put downs and the atrocious way he treated me – OMG! Why did I tolerate that? And what dude says to his girlfriend that there are a ton of women out there hotter than she is, he lied about everything else, he couldn’t lie about that one!

      1. Hi Ocgirlmelanie,

        I was like you naturally as, we all seem to be similar 🙂
        I was always trying to convince myself & others that he was a great guy even though I suspected otherwise on numerous occasions.
        I so wanted the people that had warned me against him initially to be proven wrong 😦
        Like you I now don’t get what I saw in him at all?
        Once the mask slipped & the illusion disappeared,it was like a science fiction movie where the human form gets ripped off & an ugly creature is underneath the façade.
        They are masters of deceit & thrive on their power to manipulate people so, as we get close to putting it together they throw us off balance with talk/actions etc…no wonder we are left reeling.
        I don’t miss my Soc but, I do object to being targeted & used for someone’s amusement/needs/stimulation etc…I think that’s the worst part of the whole sham!
        Being deliberately set upon to deceive & ultimately destroy another really makes me very angry! In our society if someone deliberately lures or traps an animal for fun we are all horrified yet these Soc’s just move on to continue their destruction which is despicable & evil.

        Having said all this I have however moved into my healing & have separated myself from my involvement with the Soc & I now look at it from a different perspective, like an observer.
        Obviously I am still annoyed/frustrated sometimes angry that so many people here are shattered but, time & support & healing does ease the pain & trauma.
        I just wish none of us had to endure what we have & we wouldn’t have a need to be here talking at all 😦
        Life without the Soc is blissful & empowering & we just have to live through the fallout & we are 🙂

        Power & Love to you.
        PR xoxo

      2. The power will arrive as soon as we take control of our own lifes…
        Remember they aren’t our dictionary, or our thesaurus, they can’t define us.
        Power and true love for everyone!

      3. After 3 weeks of the “silent treatment” he contacted me yesterday with an email and an attachment, the mesagge said “Hi! Hope you are ok. I’m enjoying my life. I just found some of your photos and now I can see you are a narcissist, that is the reason I can’t trust you.” The attachment have some of our photos and a photo with his newest prey on an indecent pose!
        I’m astonished, can a human being can be so cruel? I was in love with a monster?
        I repeated the same words to me as a mantra. ..”Pinnochio doesn’t define you…your words talk about the abundance of your heart…” and made one of the most difficult decisions, to not react…
        I’m grateful with all of you ” knowledge is power”. Thank you!

      4. NoMore. It’s really hurtful the things they do. Mine is still laying low. He’s prob still happy knowing I care about him. He feeds on that. I will let him bc eventually he will starve to death. One day soon!

      5. Hi NOI 🙂

        He’s just testing you to provoke a response & hurt you further what a sicko!
        Don’t worry you have your own power & he’s just a game playing loser.

        Be Brave & Strong & guard your heart as all this gaming/ruining & discard does take it’s toll
        😦
        Remember the poor soul he has now will be slowly driven mad by him & will probably end up on this blog one day???

        Love & Light to you
        PR xoxox

      6. @no more insanity!

        That is great that you did not react. Just today I read this great text on
        http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-your-ex-returns-again-its-an-opportunity-to-do-right-by-you/

        It is about when our ex contact us, that it is actually an opportunity for us to do a big breakthrough, it’s like a gateway from the vicious circle. It is our chance to do right – and that is to refuse to communicate, we chose to stop playing the game. I really felt that, when after a year my ex spath called… although it was terribly painful, I did the right thing… next day I felt better … in a way I felt like I finally got my closure…

      7. Caerra good article. I can’t wait for the day to slam that door in his face! I’ve had someone wanting to go out w me Nd I haven’t bc I had my P. but tonight I’m gonna take a step forward and leave my past life behind! If nothing else I will still have a new friend.

      8. This small step was really, really hard to do, but I remembered what everyone of you have recommended
        I feel my heart sinking when I read his words and saw the pictures, I cry silently, dry my eyes, stop asking myself “why he does that?”, “how I can change his opinion of me?”, deleted the message and continue with my day.
        I want to regain myself (I was lost for so long).
        I don’t know what will happen, but as I said before I’ll not give him again permission to define me.
        I pray everyday for self control for me and for all of you.

      9. Good Girl No More Insanity,

        Thank you for your prayers & we will win against the evil that the Soc creates in our lives.
        They are emotional vampires so, don’t let him make you one of the undead.
        Live life fully, be happy, find your passion…it’s all waiting…it’s just waiting for you to reclaim yourself.
        So SHINE on beautiful one 🙂

        Be Brave, you have us & we have you 🙂

        Take care,
        Love & Light to you 🙂
        PR xoxo

      10. Caerra,
        Thanks a lot for sharing the excellent article! I hope that at last I’m learning my lesson. 😎

      11. @no more insanity!

        Yes it seems like a small step that is crucifying painful to do… but it is a big step…. and it won’t be just one. My ex spath wrote me emails first, to which I did not respond… then he called, then wrote again. So there will be these moments again but you have to look at these events like opportunities that universe is sending you so that you can, by doing painful but right thing, move another step forward on your recovery path. There isn’t any other easier way. Read as much as you can, learning more about sociopaths will make you stronger. When my ex spath called, although I knew the ugly truth about him and knew in my mind and heart that communicating with him again is NO option for me anymore…. it was terrible painful. I asked why was he calling, he said to say hi to see how I was doing… Now when I think about it I spontaneously did the right thing. I didn’t answer his question how I was, I answered with the answer How are you doing? (with a very dull voice) … to which he answered ” I shouldn’t have called, I apologize, bye” … and I said “bye”…. he waited a whole minute in silence to hang up, I waited too… and during that minute my heart was literally screaming his name. But I endured and then he hang up. Just yesterday I read in some text how sociopaths wants you to do what they want, they want you to jump…. and it made me realize that in this little event that happened I didn’t do that he wanted me to do, I didn’t answer his question. I didn’t jump.

        So these are all rites of passage we have to endure… unavoidable steps on our recovery path…

  20. I recently read an article on internet about emotionally unavailable men and love addicts. Why they actually attract each other. They explained it that both of them have the same “fear of abandonment”… Hm… I am now thinking… could it be that I do have something of that … or I was just one of so many victims of a sociopath? Beside the relationship with sociopath, I am mostly very independent person… I think that we actually develop “fear of abandonment” when we get involved with the sociopath because our intuition is (rightfully) telling us that we will be abandoned… and we all know that IS the final stage of being with the sociopath…

  21. you know, when the whole (supposed relationship) really took its last dive, I found this blog and I read it everyday, and it got me through my nights, as I cried, but time has gone by and I found myself reading this blog less and less, and I felt stronger, occasionally I would read and reconfirm my thoughts about (HIM). I had blocked him on facebook, and deleted the like 600 emails from him. Now, why do I find myself unblocking him just to see what he is posting?Because this man never posted anything,EVER. He only had his facebooks for finding his woman and eventually wooing them and promising his wonderful life with them, and sucking out every bit of anything from them, and loveloveloveing them, and when they realised he was such a pathological liar, they would leave, as I did, and he would go about his merry little way. Well anyway. So why am I checking this low life out? I baffle myself. But I did, and guess what I find? On one Facebook he has he is posing flowers, and tea, oh, life is wonderful, and ladee DA, and on the other facebook, he is posting posts for lost children, how some kids are kidnapped and they are looking for them, and he is posting a lot of children in the UK, where he resides. My mind has to wonder,,,,,the last major problem he was having when I spoke with him and tried to help him through was that his 2 daughters were taken by the social services in another country, which of course he was unable to get to them, and then it seems they were lost, and he never could find out what happened to them, and I assume he was just making up some fantasical tragidy that he hoped I would help him out of, but now , months later he is posting lost children stuff on his Facebook, and it makes me want to cry, I feel like that one little glimmer of (OH MY GOD) could it be that the girls are really lost.? And I know I am getting sucked back in. I must not talk to him . Why do I feel this urge to find out, when I know the guys a pathological liar? Im sorry, I know I’ve gone on too long. But, he really took most of my year up with all of his problems, and now , I am just wondering, could any of it have been true, because he told me that I abandoned him.

  22. I do have something to add today…yesterday after holding off as long as I could I called him…I tried to do the no contact thing and held off as long as I could until it was unbearable. He didn’t answer of course, but I left a VM. I simply said that just because he can turn off his heart, I cant and that I wanted him to know that I miss him. It made me feel better at least for a bit. Then…at 1:30 a.m. he texted me to say that he would be happy to text for now. We texted back and forth for a long time…him apologizing and saying he missed me…me saying the same. I can’t tell you how the fix made me feel…just amazing of course! I fucked up…I called and broke the silence and he has reciprocated…but I don’t want it to stop…It’s been so nice texting back and forth all day. Saying sweet things…hearing him say that he wants me back. I know what you are all going to say, and I know, I just needed to tell somebody.

    1. Imsa I don’t judge. I’m maybe even a little jealous. I left a note on my Ps car last night but he still won’t talk to me. I dunno. I’m letting go and letting God heal me. Cut family ties. And his tie. I prayed so long and God answered bc I got a text from my daughter tonight!!! Praise God!!!! I still love my P but I feel strength knowing I got her maybe coming back around.

      1. Hi J…;)
        Stay strong & it’s great your daughter is back in contact.
        Don’t let you obsession with the Soc overshadow this re connection as your daughter is far more important 😉
        We are not here to judge anyone, just to guide & support as only other empaths can do!
        Love & Light,
        PR xoxox

      2. I know you do Jbug 🙂
        My children are what have kept me focused although my Soc did try to undermine my relationship but, I just separated him away from them….I never put him ahead of them & thank god I still have my angels 🙂

        Enjoy your time with yours 😉

        Love PR xoxo

      3. Judah….I know what you mean about jealousy….I was thinking of some of the other stories here that said that their person had called them and kept calling…and mine had not done that. I’m sure my called pushed into texting back. If I wouldn’t have made the initial move, I’m sure he would have went on much, much longer. He was always the stronger one.

    2. Imsa,

      Don’t beat yourself up 🙂
      Just remember we are here whenever you break free???….
      I went backwards & forwards & 10 years later here I am 😦
      So it can be very protracted & while the addiction is fed it’s great then,….you know the rest
      😦
      At least you are well armed, just don’t forget all the ‘RED FLAGS’ & run if it starts to hurt you! Listen to your gut as the Soc is indeed omnipotent & persuasive…be ready!
      Don’t let yourself be pushed to far into the abyss….be brave & strong…fight for yourself!

      Good Luck, we want you to be happy but, we cannot save you 😦
      Protect your heart 😉

      Love & Light
      PR xoxo

      1. Thank you very much guys…I do feel stronger this time….not sure.. it may be a false sense of it..I dont know, but I feel like I do finally have some power back.

      2. P.S. I found a letter I wrote to myself 5 years ago & then let mine back in so, I know how easy it happens 😦
        I wasted 10 years….please don’t waste to long, life is short, too short for wasting on wasters!
        PR x

      3. Thank you PR…I am going to see how this goes. He says his mind is in a different place…he is asking me to come back and I am just keeping it cool…not jumping in. Not being overly casual, but definitely more cool. I hope it’s a long time before I have to write you all again. I want this so much of course, but really scared for me also. Thank you all for listening.

    3. Imsa,
      Just remember you gave him the way back in so, it’s game on again.
      It’s the challenge they love & gaming is the name of the game.
      However you are different, don’t tell him you are aware of his tricks etc…keep the mystery of you to you!
      Remember once you engage with the Soc that you are a player but, this time also an observer who is aware of the game!

      Good Luck, don’t let him destroy you….You are a wonderful,beautiful,caring,compassionate,loyal,trustworthy person….believe in yourself 🙂

      1. Thank you PR….I hope that it will be a long time before I have to write here again…as we all have…we have that deep seeded hope that this time is going to be different, more open, better communication. I will keep checking on you to see how everybody is progressing!

    4. No one will judge you. We all were on the same page one time, dont letting rhe “hope” die.
      Whatever hapoens, Please take care of yourself.

      1. An ex of my soc sent him an email that he f’d up again bc I’m a good person and he won’t find anybody who will put up w him as much as I did.

        I dunno if that’s good or bad for me.

      2. For J’bug & Imsa,

        Fix You lyrics by Coldplay….my guides told me to send this thru to you both 🙂

        “Fix You”

        When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
        When you get what you want, but not what you need
        When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
        Stuck in reverse

        And the tears come streaming down your face
        When you lose something you can’t replace
        When you love someone, but it goes to waste
        Could it be worse?

        Lights will guide you home
        And ignite your bones
        And I will try to fix you

        And high up above or down below
        When you’re too in love to let it go
        But if you never try you’ll never know
        Just what you’re worth

        Lights will guide you home
        And ignite your bones
        And I will try to fix you

        Tears stream down your face
        When you lose something you cannot replace
        Tears stream down your face
        And I…

        Tears stream down your face
        I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
        Tears stream down your face
        And I…

        Lights will guide you home
        And ignite your bones
        And I will try to fix you

        ****

        P.S. J’bug do you like the movie Beaches?
        My guides showed me this for you…not sure why?
        Just asking 🙂

        Let me know
        PR x

      3. Hmm not sure maybe, it’s the Song ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ in regard to your daughter or maybe there is a message in the movie?
        Not sure? it came thru very strong when I was reading your post?
        I will work on the message more 🙂 something to do with the beach??
        Any bells ringing?
        Let me know?

      4. Ahhh I’m sorry 😦
        I pictured the scene with Bette at the grave side so, maybe that was why?
        Anyhow are you okay?
        Sorry if I brought up something painful?
        I can’t help it, I see things sometimes 🙂
        You didn’t get to speak your truth to him?
        PR x

      5. He knew the truth. Still Abusive till he was too ill to be. I missed the last six months if his life bc of being disowned by mom and others. I’m ok though. I let them all go last night. I have never been more free in that area! Now if only I can forget my P. I went out tonight for a first time. I was miserable. Nice guy who likes me a lot but I felt nothing.

      6. It takes time & the sun will shine for you soon 🙂
        I had a feeling you have been putting a lot of pain to rest 🙂
        Maybe that’s why death is coming through…death of a person, relationship etc…your going to be okay that much is clear 🙂
        PR x

      7. Ditto NMI 🙂 we can’t judge because we have all done it 😦
        Just hope she lands a little softer this time?

        @ J’bug….be careful as my Soc had a friend contact me to tell me how my Soc was upset re losing me & I was the best for him etc…these are followers & enablers & sometimes the Soc will use them to get back in…& it worked back then.
        Just a warning 🙂
        PR x

      8. What’s a follower? I thought that when she told me she emailed him bc he will get on his “down” cycle and start second guessing his decisions eventually.

      9. Followers & enablers are people that help the Soc & don’t even realise they are creating a pathway back to you.
        My Soc had his friends call me a couple of times to tell me how upset he was at my loss etc…I am not sure what context your friend falls in. Is she your friend or his or both?
        Anyways don’t listen to others, just listen to yourself as others create doubt & false hope sometimes.

        PR x

      10. She’s his ex before me that hates him so bad she tries to ruin him still. I didn’t believe her when I first met him. I thought she was stalking him and me. He hates her w a passion now but she knows he screwed up w me.

      11. J’bug, she is not your enemy but, she is another victim of the Spaths’ abuse.
        She may unwittingly still be useful to the Soc via her communication with you?
        Remember if she wants to align with you ask yourself why?
        Is it for the camaraderie or is she still stuck in Spath hell.
        Has she moved on? Does she have someone else?
        What is her interest in you?

        maybe she can’t let go either?

      12. She supposedly has someone. They got into physical fights and supposedly broke her ribs. They had cops n drama. But there r things I’m cautious of.

      13. Well I feel very sorry for her after all she also has had the Spath experience & god knows how messed up he left her.
        Still you don’t need her stuff so, probably best to keep away from her etc…no contact is recommended as you need freedom from all conduits of the Spath!

        Be Strong 🙂

      14. J’bug did you read Torture by Triangulation…I posted it on the My Story Your Story section of this blog…have a read if you haven’t?

      15. Yes I read TBT. and he did that to me at first using her. He would never change his number when she called. Yes I lived a nightmare.

      16. psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com did I tell you that one? Loads od great articles 🙂
        Have you seen Paula’s Pontifications?
        Cant’ remember who I’ve told (lol).

      17. I’ve seen awareness but not Paula’s. LOL. U need a PDA or a tablet or laptop or something to keep us all straight!

      18. LOL….I am at work so once again multi tasking…you will love paula’s blog & I have her book
        🙂 she often comments here with Pos etc…very interesting so I hope you find some more clarity or support there 🙂

        PR xoxox

      19. PR,
        There’s a saying on spanish that says, “nadie aprende por cabeza ajena” The literal translation is something like “no one wants to learn from the experience of others” I just hope that we were able to learn from it..

      20. We can listen to others experience,we may not learn but, forewarned is forearmed so perhaps awareness is the key 🙂
        At least it may save someone & one would be worth it don’t you think 🙂

      21. This is true. We all have our own life lessons. The difference with victims/survivors of psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists – well probably any personality disorder – is that the behaviour was all the same. We all experienced the same and hurt the same for roughly the same reasons. But I do agree, if it is not our own lesson…. we probably wouldn’t listen. I like that saying …. it makes a lot of sense to me 🙂

      22. Between intimacy and solitude from here on, the one thing we’ll all take away from this is and would’ve learned is…being responsible for our emotions. I remember seeing a movie once where they gave a vietnam soldier barely an adult say 19 years old a life expectancy of 15 mins from the moment he stepped out of a huey onto the rice fields, I wonder what would be going through my mind at such an experience, the last thing I’d be thinking of and this is almost sure with me, would be the sociopath, maybe difficult to say for others, but depression leaves little survival instincts cause we don’t see a future, perhaps I’d be better off being a sociopath in this situation, I’d probably survive but would hate myself and be rendered unforgiven, needless to mention the power of forgiveness later on, even if we have to do it for ourselves. The other scary thought was the movie Saw, what sociopathy & restribution played out there, who would we prefer to be in the movie if it where real life as it portrayed derangement on a level where our moral fibre & judgement is challenged if thought of in that way, quite profound. Who would you want to be is the question? And who you are right now is puzzling when all these emotions that we are dare I say in control of, I love this spanish saying, thanks for sharing it, I find spanish also quite emotive, hearing it and trying to speak it…

        A buen entendedor, pocas palabras bastan
        To someone with good understanding, only a few words are necessary

      23. That saying is sooo true!!!

        I keep saying if I had found this information last year, it would have been different. I doubt it! I was coming up with every excuse in the book for my spath’s behavior. I am so hard-headed that it took this heart break to learn my lesson. Even if I had read someone else’s story, I needed to live through it myself….

      24. With respect to ashleyv700’s comments about Saw, and who a person would rather be, I think it’s interesting that I never viewed myself, ever, as anything but the victim/good guy or girl in ANY movie, until this experience with the socio. Because of the situations I’ve been challenged with that have tested my own patience, resolve, responses, and thinking, I have questioned my own human positioning in this world. It has not necessarily been a bad thing, although there have been times working through this that I’ve wondered about my own stability, and penchant to abuse (I don’t want to be that person) or neglect. He asked me once why I thought we’d met, to which I responded glibly, “Why not?” I didn’t really know why HE thought we’d met, and in my mind, that was more the pressing question than whatever I might’ve felt about it. I don’t want to mentally stretch too far here, and it could be just a lesson for me, but I sometimes wonder if this (meaning, making me take a harder look at myself) has been the purpose he was meant to serve in my life.

      25. From a relativism perspective hollywood would be losing if the good guys failed to inspire, spaths as much as we don’t need them, they also prove that love is real and it’s within all of us, one doesn’t need to look that far, it’s pretty sound around here… 1 in 25 is still a good ratio, I’m glad I got the opportunity to love & will continue in the process we are

  23. Damn, I really wish I had found this site last year (as I was going through it). My spath did this EXACT thing and I felt exactly how you said. If he loved and missed me so much, how could he do this? That was the biggest red flag that should have sent me running from him. I feel so stupid that this time was the one time that I actually went back to him (the other times he disappeared, he was the one coming back), apologizing, pouring out my heart to him. He was probably there laughing and spending his time with the OW and working on another victim (who he later married BTW).

    All I can say is NEVER AGAIN. I know better now and I know I will never be in such a low place in my life again. If I am, I know I’m worth so much more and to never beg someone to love me. I can now hold my head up high and walk away….but I can’t help but wish I had known then what I know now…..

    1. I got one for u PR. When he first left this time I signed on a date site knowing that’s where he would go. I don’t use it or anything but I can tell he still views me almost every day. He knows its me! I’m not even writing or anything! The ex gf I told u about her last night- well we think he’s keeping tabs on me or he can’t find anyone who will talk to him so he will get lonely and try to come back. I mean HE left but HE keeps lookin at me. She says he prob doesn’t know how sick he is but I think he knows very well.

      1. Hey J’bug,
        The thing with Spath’s is that they don’t care & justify their lies to themselves & others.
        If he continues to stalk you that is because he still considers you a possession & wants to keep track of you.
        He is sick but in his mind he is normal & everyone else is irrelevant 😦
        You just stay focused on You & your healing & stay strong.
        You should be proud of how far you have come & you will put this behind you one day soon
        I hope…..”Wind Beneath My Wings” is playing on the radio right now (spooky)
        Wind Beneath My Wings”

        This has a message for you 🙂

        Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
        It must have been cold there in my shadow,
        to never have sunlight on your face.
        You were content to let me shine, that’s your way.
        You always walked a step behind.

        So I was the one with all the glory,
        while you were the one with all the strength.
        A beautiful face without a name for so long.
        A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

        Did you ever know that you’re my hero,
        and everything I would like to be?
        I can fly higher than an eagle,
        ’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

        It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
        but I’ve got it all here in my heart.
        I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
        I would be nothing without you.

        Did you ever know that you’re my hero?
        You’re everything I wish I could be.
        I could fly higher than an eagle,
        ’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

        Did I ever tell you you’re my hero?
        You’re everything, everything I wish I could be.
        Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
        ’cause you are the wind beneath my wings,
        ’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

        Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
        You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
        Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.

        Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
        Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

        Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
        so high I almost touch the sky.
        Thank you, thank you,
        thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

        It’s from your guardian angels I think? Unless it means something else but, it’s come through twice now when I have read your post to me….you are a hero, so fly 😉

        Love & Light
        PR xxx

      2. Thanks for the song PR. What do u mean it has “”come thru To u the past few times “”?

      3. J’bug,
        I was reading your post yesterday & a vision of the movie came into my mind for no reason & it was the funeral scene in the movie so, as I was reading a comment from you
        I thought it may have meant something to you?
        You then came back with a reply that is was one year since your father passed.

        Today (Australia Time) I was reading your post & this song Wind Beneath your Wings was playing at the same time I was reading your post again so, thought I’d send you the message as it’s really quite beautiful anyway 🙂
        I don’t claim to be a psychic but, I have an ability to see things & if I can relay the message I do. My family history has a lot of (SEERS) in our line, even mentioned in historical documents….who knows, I just say it as I see it.
        I tuned out to a lot of message whilst with my Soc & missed many but, now I know better 🙂
        I hope this helps or at least comforts you somehow….

        Love & Light
        PR xoxo

      4. I was hoping u saw my spath on the beach with the wind knocking him into the water and waves carrying him out to sea where a great white shark named Jaws took a chunk outta him. Yes. That’s it! I see the same thing u do!!

      5. LOL wouldn’t that be divine intervention 🙂

        A shark with a shark how appropriate & sharks have no emotion just black starry eyes & are predators!

        Yep, I like that vision 🙂

        PR xoxo

      6. Ha ha, mine is short & very overweight now so they’s have a great feast 🙂
        Mind you I’d spit him out & eat fish anyday 🙂

      7. Hi Lenore,

        I see visions & hear messages, get feelings from ????
        I nearly died once so, since then I seem to have a heightened awareness when I am in tune with myself 🙂
        I also know first hand that there is more to this life & beyond 🙂
        My Soc blocked a lot of my intuition so,now he’s gone it’s gone ballistic….& I missed so,so many messages. Like neon signs & I still managed to ignore them!!!

        Back to trusting my gut & my instincts finally 🙂

        Love & Light….remember love is the one thing that lasts forever, even after we are gone 🙂
        PR xxx

  24. Hi Everyone…not sure if this will work this time!
    I found this site a few days ago….I have had no contact from or with my Spath in a bit over a week. Somedays are better than others…today is not so good…I have so many questions..it was last summer I met him…so charming, and he pursued me like no other….complemented be galore…gazed at me with ‘predator eyes’ (he would often stare), and I fell hopelessly in love…I was the happiest I have ever been in my life when i met him….and he fed off my happiness…said I transformed him…said I was the most important thing to happen to him besides being born….would go on and on about how beautiful I am….we met at a retreat center and had three weeks of bliss….when he returned to london (I am in California) he wrote me everyday….even proposed to me! he came to visit in december and that is when I had my glimpse of who he really is…..though I just made excuses, as did he, and we went on….six weeks later I went to europe…that is when the abuse started , though I chose to ignore it as I was so in love and he said after he graduates he would move here and we would be married….we spent months planning for this summer, where he got a job to live and work with me…he was Mr.Misery from the moment I picked him up from the airport…..7wks in he put his notice in and went off to some other meditation center, though he told my coworkers he had to go back to london as his mom was really sick (lie) as he did not go back he has probably found another victim. A coworker witnessed his anger (he yelled at her swearing) she asked me how I put up with it…it was the next day he made up the story about his mom.
    All summer he was horrible….name calling, verbal & emotional abuse turned physical (managed to slap me at a public restaurant!) ….why did I tolerate it? how can I lvoe someone who can not love? He was sooooo different than the man I fell in love with…I am so confused…..somedays are better than others, though my Dreams of family and marriage have been shattered…I am 37, no children…he even told me before he left ‘you will never have children, you are too old’…CRUSHED. Once he put me on a pedastal, now he hates me…..there is more and I will post more in time….THANK YOU FOR THIS SITE! It Amazes me how similar these predators are!!!!

    1. he also managed to go through ALL my emails from years past….and read all my journals (I even hid them before he came) and he used this knowledge to hurt me further…he knew all these personal things about me and I knew nothing of him….never even saw a picture of his family….or friends…..I shared more with him than anyone in my life….what cruelty…..

      1. Mine does this consistently. He cannot help himself. He has to read emails, texts anything really. For no reason – well apart from control and paranoia. For a while I couldn’t get into my email (last summer) I had to keep changing my email it happened so much that I forgot what my password was. Then I couldn’t get into facebook either. It’s like being emotionally violated.

  25. I’m really struggling today….and I did a stupid thing…..I unblocked my socio and called him…only to find out that blocked me…. I don’t get it….has anyone else had this experience?? If he were looking for control wouldn’t he want to know that I was calling and just ignore me?? Not block me….to me that means he doesn’t even care to know if I am trying to call…that’s not game playing…he hates me….

      1. Three weeks today..
        I was just feeling so sad today…and he used to be my go to when I felt like this (albeit usually the reason I felt like this)
        I don’t know if he ever tried to contact me as I had him blocked…. But based on what I learned today he probably did not try to contact…
        It just makes me feel like I’m the one who did something wrong… It doesn’t seem fair 😦
        Maybe I did do something wrong…I hate feeling like this.

    1. Yes confused. Mine turned my phone off and then changed his number when I got a new one. He moved to unknown location. Has me banned from his store outta fear of exposure. He won’t block his email but won’t reply if I write. I created a profile early on when he left bc I knew he would get online again. I don’t use it but he is always looking at my picture on there.

      Missing him bad today. Tryin so hard bit to call or go by his store anyway. It’s raining here n I don’t wanna get out so I should be safe and not go.

    2. hmm..maybe he DID try to reach out, discovered he was blocked, and then blocked you in return, anticipating you would unblock him. Weird mind games, I know. But, its an unlikely coincidence that you both blocked each other at the same time.

  26. funny….must be in the ‘air’…I unblocked him a few days ago…just to see if he contacts me….nothing yet….i am so angry and sad today….then i sent a blank email to see if i could ‘catch’ him….nothing yet…I wont reply if he does….not sure why i even care, they dont…it is all a game with them…have to remember they do not Care. Let us try and not contact them, as it gives them POWER

    1. Thanks Everyone….I did not realize how much my self esteem took a hit from this saga with the Spath….once going on and on about how Amazing I am….to pure spitefulness….he was soooooo miserable….always accusing me of nonsense, always negative, horrible man…..then he would put on a charm front around others…..until my coworker saw it….that is when he decided to leave….I ran into a fellow I knew from the retreat center where I met the Spath….he said he heard about it and reminded me of when the Spath got into it with a highly respected person there….Spath told me an entirely different story, now I know my friend was right….he had the most horrible anger rages…throwing stuff, ripping pages out of my books, slapping me….this got worse and worse….name calling, simply awful. I feel awful. Support systems with others who have gone through this are the Best way to recover, for me anyway as I can not really relate to folks who have not experienced this…..all the lies and abuse…..argh. Thanks everyone here!!!! I used to be sooo happy and Sparkling…..hope I can be that way again someday. I feel so used and abused.

      1. L13, I’m right there wu. I feel abandoned and unwanted. Used. Abused. And that’s just a partial list. I know I’m worth more than he will ever be but I can’t sleep or eat much. The ups and downs are killing me. I don’t relate to others either so I try to hide what’s going on inside me and that just makes it worse. I just can’t her past how easy it was for him to walk away cold turkey and never speak to me again.

      2. Hi L13,

        Don’t feel used & abused 😦
        We have all felt like this as do many silent victims of our Soc’s that will never truly understand just what they have come up against i.e.the Soc 😦

        We know better now thanks to Pos & other great sharers of their experience & knowledge 🙂
        Having access to the research from professionals & other’s has given us an insight that not so long ago we didn’t have.

        I am thankful to have found other victims/survivors as I would otherwise have been plagued by self doubt & that feeling of being used/abused/betrayed etc…& what a lonely journey that
        would have been 😦

        I now realize that it’s not personal as the Soc does it to everyone & every relationship they have.
        Nothing is real & they fake everything in order to blend in & not be detected!

        Imagine a lifetime of this 😦

        I cannot imagine never feeling the joy of myself, my love for others, my empathy, my compassion, my pain, my suffering. My most overwhelming mixture of emotions was giving birth & I still to this day relish that feeling, that intensity,that love for another human being 🙂

        If I was just a facade to the world, I cannot even begin to imagine & I don’t want to even try 🙂
        I have known great pain also & what got me through was the knowledge of the great joys I had so, I struggled through the pain back to the joy 🙂 & it was waiting on the other side of the pain 🙂

        Be Brave as hearts do break 😦 but at least we have one 🙂

        Love & Light, it does get better & the up side of this journey is waiting 🙂

        I know this because I am living it with you 🙂

        PR xoxo

  27. The BEST REVENGE: BE HAPPY & LIVE WELL!!! I was depressed yesterday then I realized today…how awful it must be to be a Spath….they are miserable, incapable of love, happiness and joy…that, I feel, is why they try and sap all the happiness and joy out of the ones they claim to ‘love’….misery loves company….they want us miserable…that is why they resort to name calling, emotional & verbal abuse….physical abuse…they want us to suffer as they suffer…..Best REVENGE: B HAPPY! If they contact , let them know how great you are and really wish them the best….I feel so much better today, as I have realized I let this man create craziness, unhappiness, and constant abuse in my life…NO MORE! I feel sooo much lighter and well, even with all the pain he caused me, I know he will be in pain much longer…..I feel bad for him really…..We are the LUCKY ONES! We can Love and Be truly Happy!!!
    Get your revenge and Be Joyful!!!!

    1. L13 I’ve had good and bad days. This evening isn’t the best. Maybe bc it’s going into the wknd. I miss the man i thought he was. Really hurting tonight.

      1. Hi J’bug 🙂
        That message I got re ‘Beaches’ was in fact for me!
        My girlfriend of 22 years passed away that morning when I saw the funeral scene in my mind (about exact time she departed), so the connection was a passing over. Your Dad’s anniversary & my dear friend 😦
        The movie was the key as she has left a daughter alone.
        We met at pre-natal classes & developed a lifelong friendship 🙂
        She never married & raised her beautiful daughter alone & we have shared many a wonderful time together.
        Our journeys as first time mothers & a wonderful friendship between our girls has been a gift 🙂
        I often get messages that don’t make sense at the time but, now I get it 🙂
        It was for me as she valiantly braved her battle with Melanoma….we joined in a huge fundraising effort in June & raised a significant amount to help support her as she also lost her home & possessions in a house fire a few years back & had no insurance 😦

        Why am I telling you all this?
        Because I know it’s so hard dealing with the trauma of a Soc but, it is survivable 🙂
        My girlfriend reached out to me in her last moments to share my pain & that is what I told her 🙂

        Be strong & brave in your battle against the demon.
        Unfortunately these people are a DIS-EASE but, other battles are being fought
        & lost by decent good people & we owe it to them to rise up & live the best life
        we can 🙂

        Love & Light to you 🙂
        PR xoxo

      2. sorry to hear about UR loss PR. I gotta say I love hearing from u tho. Even that sad news cheered me up a little just bc it means I have u out there caring. Now we have a bond of August 13 when someone we know died. It will always be on my mind as my birthday is on the 23rd.

        I was rewarding the post about the silenct treatment and that’s whAts hurting me tonight. I can try and try but he will not respond. I know that’s good but it still hurts. I used to be his “baby forever” now I’m a piece if trash to him. He did view me online again yesterday. So I don’t get it. I think he is a mixture of socio and psychopath. He does have a few feelings. But he has anger and violent tendencies. He’s never hit me but he’s been loud n scary.

        I wish u lived over here. For some reason I feel connected to u. But OMG I hurt tonight!!!

      3. Awww J’bug 😦
        Don’t be so sad please as we are connected by this experience & we have been pulled together for a reason which is to help & support each other 🙂
        You are not alone, nor are you trash!

        You are a wonderful,loving & lovable person:)
        Caring, compassionate, sincere, worthy & trusting 🙂
        Do you know how I know this because, you are like me & all the others here 🙂

        That is what drew the Soc to you because you are everything they are not & never will be 😦
        Remember they are emotional vampires & want you to need them etc…they create this drama because they have nothing inside.

        Empty soulless dead creatures….do not cling to the memory of the good time as it was a fantasy created to lure you in so, he could play & torment you 😦
        It’s not personal it’s just sick really, watching & inflicting pain without remorse 😦

        Don’t let him make you feel less of a person just because he is not a person. He’s a manifestation, an illusionist, a liar & a cheat….Not much going for him at all except You!
        He needed you to make him feel good!
        He surrounds himself with the good & beautiful like you 🙂 & he pulls the strings of your heart because he doesn’t have one….Sad but true!

        You my friend are a priceless possession that he will never own 🙂
        Believe in yourself please 🙂

        Do not let the evil into your life, protect your heart….it does get better I know first hand 🙂

        Love to you & wrap your arms tight around yourself & squeeze (it’s a hug from me all the way from Australia 🙂 but really only a key stroke away 🙂
        PR xoxo

      4. Thanks PR. I has to read that twice. Made me remember all the names he called me when he starts his drama. Someone who does the things he did does not love. I am reminded of a vision I had once a year or so bacK after one of his Incidents. He wasn’t home but I was laying down Awake and I heard footsteps down the hall. I felt an evil presence in the house so I closed my eyes but barely peaked thru. While on was peaking the entire bed was picked up off the floor w me on it and slammed across the room into the wall. Then suddenly the vision stopped! Just abruptly everything was back in place. Several days later when he was apologizing and trying to talk to me he leaned over to kiss me and I know I saw satan himself in his face. I saw that and thought about the vision and I was scared for a few days. I didn’t say anything to him and the evil feeling eventually went away. But I never forgot it.

      5. Funny you should say that J’bug as I used to close my eyes when my Soc was being intimate because his face became a grotesque scary mask & his eyes bored into me.
        It gave me the creeps & he literally sucked the air from my lungs during (you know what 😉
        I actually thought he looked like I imagined the devil would 😦

        I think they are the devils disciples & judging by the others here I’m not alone with that thought….scary but, true!

        Be Brave, I am here always xoxo

      6. For J’bug & anyone else who can relate…. 🙂

        Her face is a tumble,
        her mind is on fire
        You keep telling her you’ll change
        You know you’re a liar
        Once she used to hold you
        just like you her child
        Now she’s in the way of something
        you know you’re going to lose it all
        The things that we do in loves name
        not until she stands strong can you do the same

        Chorus:
        (She knew) She never knew
        you would treat her this way
        (you know) You know that its true
        you tried to break the girl
        We’re ruled by what we deny
        by the things we don’t say
        (You know) You know that its true
        you tried to break the girl

        You tried to possess
        all that moved you at the start
        You tied her to your shadow
        and made her your slave
        Whether this is an end or begin again
        well, it’s in your hands
        Chorus

        Why’d you want to break the girl
        Break the girl
        Why’d you want to break the girl
        Break the girl

        You know you tried to break the girl
        Break the girl
        Why do you want to break the girl

        My favorite singer is Wendy Matthews, she lives here in Australia & is Canadian.
        She has many beautiful songs with great soul & meanings 🙂
        I have met her & she is about to release a new album….I can’t wait as it’s called the Welcome Fire & as I am a Phoenix Rising from the Ashes I know there will be a message in this for me 🙂

        PR xoxo

      7. Thanks for the song PR. I’ve gone from happy to sad and missing him to wanting to smash his socpath face in!! And all bc he ignores me. Why he hates me i don’t understand. But he can’t ignore me if I don’t try I guess.

      8. Ahh J’bug, honey he doesn’t hate you, unfortunately he doesn’t feel anything.
        He cannot be the man he needs to be for you & he never will be 😦

        You deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel like you do right now ;(
        Normal people don’t do this crap…you deserve & will have better if only you would stop looking for him to acknowledge you.
        He loves that you feel like this, he enjoys making you think he hates you.

        You have to stop beating yourself up & believe in the truly great lady that you are & always have been 🙂

        “What Doesn’t Kill You (Stronger)” Kelly Clarkson 🙂

        You know the bed feels warmer
        Sleeping here alone
        You know I dream in colour
        And do the things I want

        You think you got the best of me
        Think you’ve had the last laugh
        Bet you think that everything good is gone
        Think you left me broken down
        Think that I’d come running back
        Baby you don’t know me, cause you’re dead wrong

        What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
        Stand a little taller
        Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
        What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
        Footsteps even lighter
        Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone

        What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
        Just me, myself and I
        What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
        Stand a little taller
        Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone

        You heard that I was starting over with someone new
        They told you I was moving on over you

        You didn’t think that I’d come back
        I’d come back swinging
        You try to break me, but you see

        What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
        Stand a little taller
        Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
        What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
        Footsteps even lighter
        Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone

        What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger
        Just me, myself and I
        What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
        Stand a little taller
        Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone

        Thanks to you I got a new thing started
        Thanks to you I’m not the broken-hearted
        Thanks to you I’m finally thinking about me
        You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
        In the end…

        Please keep doing the healings etc….be brave…I have to go shortly, off home but, I will be back 🙂
        Stay Strong….Wind Beneath My Wings (not a farty kind LOL)

        PR x

    2. Yay You L13 back atcha….
      Love the misery loves companycomment:)
      So true….put on that Superwoman/man costume & fly 🙂
      Life is short & the years pass quickly & even though minutes can seem like a lifetime they also pass….this to shall pass….Be Happy, Love within not without 🙂

      PR xoxo

  28. So very truthful on all accounts and one of the hardest forms of punishment I’ve ever endured. Far too many days and nights have been spent crying, begging, and I am embarrassed to say “freaking out” just in order to get ANY reaction from him. As a former co-dependent person who relied on my interactions in order to feel like I “existed”, this treatment often made me feel like I wanted to die, like I was worthless, like I was completely alone.

    I am SO grateful that I finally managed to learn to put his behavior back on HIM, not allow it to reflect on me at all, learn that this is just a silly/spiteful pattern of behavior. If I hadn’t learned? I’m not really certain that I’d still be here today. It became a life or death, me or him, decision to fight for my life.

    The only thing worse than the silence, was knowing deep down that he would be back. Usually just as I was becoming happier and stronger again.

    1. I’m not sure the silence is always spiteful. I believe it CAN be that and a control measure but, because of the contexts in which I’ve experienced it before, I sometimes feel like he just didn’t have anything to say. Whereas someone with a range of emotions would understand what response is expected of them (whether they will give it or not), I’m not sure someone without that depth will always comprehend what the appropriate response is (apart from a learned “sorry” or tears, maybe).

      Twice, when I have confronted my sociopath with serious matters for discussion, there has been no discussion to follow. He seems to register something is being asked/required of him but, without specific questions, it sincerely appeared as though he had no idea what his responses perhaps should be.

      Twice, in the midst of confrontation, I watched him physically square off and put his back up against a wall (a metaphor reflective of how he was feeling cornered?), and wait for the agony to end. I saw this in his person. His face/mind (the second time) was distracted, as though this was something he was used to sitting through and knew he just had to wait it out, until I was finished. I released him and watched him leave as a trapped animal happy to get away. It was here I knew he wasn’t understanding our interactions the same way I was.

      1. YES! Jusa, this really clicked with me…the lack of response or knowing what to say. There were more than just a few times where he actually said “I dont really know what else to say”. And yes, the blank stares when talking about serious things.

      2. Hey GL 🙂

        Mine would say “I don’t know what you expect me to say?”….
        The silent treatment when he was “missing in action” was from what I know now he was getting “action” elsewhere 😦
        He would always use the lame excuse of “Sorry Darling, I’ve just been so busy with work & other dramas, that I haven’t’ had time to devote the attention to you that you deserve???”
        & “I promise I’ll make it up to you”….my hero!

        He would then say “Ill let YOU (meaning Me!) make it up to me (HIM) totally delusional????
        I would just shake my head & say “hmm we’ll see”….

        PR x

      3. You naughty girl I knew you where there 🙂

        I am very mindful of what I eat etc… 🙂
        Actually I keep a close eye on my health & am in good health 🙂
        My Soc on the other-hand was pre-diabetic & used to eat crap food all the time.
        I tried to help him once & prepared low fat foods, low sugar/carbs etc…I tried to help him!
        Hopefully he’s still eating rubbish & get’s diabetes as it can cause impotencey HA!
        Now that would be F@*king Fantastic! (LOL).

        How’s Judah 😦

        PR x

      4. Judah’s sleeping. He seems to be holding on good. He’s in mamas bed curled up. Not worried about the mean daddy kicking him off the bed!

        My ex had a heart attack last December. Made him be a good boy for 8 months before his dick for brains self came back to life again. He has the nerve to tell me the HA was my fault!!!

      5. Good Judah 🙂

        Ah the old shift the blame game, yep that sounds about right where a Soc is concerned.
        They cannot look within because they’d come up empty 🙂
        Still it would have saved you a lot of bother if he’d died, then you would have grieved normally & moved on with your life…still the Karma bus only swerved, next time it won’t miss!

        PR x

      6. I already vowed I’m not buying funeral flowers for him. The ex bf me vows to pee on his grave. She hates him! I’m not there yet.

      7. Hates a strong word & I really don’t wish harm on him either even though I really don’t like the way he has treated you 😦
        I guess you love the person (the nice guy) & dislike all the bad behavior which seems to outweigh the good in the end.
        I read “Missing Pretend guy”
        http://elissestuart.wordpress.com/2009/03/06/missing-pretend-guy/

        I love the analogy of the ‘imaginary friend’ cause it was a lot like that 🙂

        Love to you & Judah 🙂

        PR xoxo

      8. Yeah I doubt I will ever hate him. She does. She hates w a passion. Although that just seems twisted in itself. So okay. Since I won’t ever hate him I will buy one red rose for his funeral. Make it a carnation. They’re cheaper.

      9. J’bug,

        Time for a joke 🙂

        ‘Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end…’

        ‘This is my cup of care. Oh look it’s empty!’

        PR 🙂

      10. Speaking of turds. Thought for the day:

        A Soc really is a turd bc when we try to get revenge and step on him they spread out into a wider area and make a bigger smelly mess.

      11. Yes they do! but, it’s good to see them for the turds they are isn’t it LOL
        Hard to get off your shoe but, worth the effort to clean your sole/soul 🙂

      12. ROFL. U crack me up!! But really it’s true! U scrape poo off UR shoe and its like its still there!!! U can’t get rid of it! Ever notice that? I dare say I feel a new dictionary word coming on : “sociopoo”

      13. Still wishing he would call PR. I should have the honor of hanging up!

        Please ask the lions and tigers and bears when I will have the privilege of this!!! :)))))

      14. Stay Strong, mine hasn’t bothered because I closed that door & he is off playing his game elsewhere ;(
        I am glad I’m free & I know part of you wants to see he’s still there for you in some shape or form.
        Ultimately though you know that going back would destroy you so, I hope he doesn’t call as you’ve come so far 🙂
        Your missing the fake not the real, it’s just hard to separate fact from fiction (sigh).

        Be Strong, are you sleeping more???

        PR xoxo

      15. I am sleeping more. Waking up easier too. Loving my job. Getting a roommate in 2 days so he can’t move back anyway!!! There r times I start to feel like he’s so far removed from me that it was a long time ago or it wasn’t real and never happened. I can look at his pic now N feel nothing. Not love. Not hate. Just stare at it and try to look for signs of human life in him. Not gonna happen!

        I think I can describe it by saying I miss how “I” felt about HIM. That’s what I wanna feel again. I wanna feel that for someone someday. Not so concerned about how someone else feels about me. Like this guy friend. He likes me. So what. Oops. Did I say that? I mean I like him based in what my head says. But my heart is still not beating. I want to feel what I felt for my ex for someone else one day!

      16. You will feel again but, it takes time for the heart to heal & your heart is healing 🙂
        It says a lot that you can look at a picture & it doesn’t prompt a response, that’s healing 🙂
        Loving your job is great, what do you do again???
        I’m the sole employee at a small family run business & I pretty mush do everything 🙂
        My boss hasn’t come in today & just leaves it up to me 🙂
        Lucky I’m honest & reliable unlike some!

        You just have to keep doing stuff, I am busier than ever & I go to the gym 3 times a week & therapy & socializing etc…its’ great but, exhausting!
        Otherwise the usual day of kids, pets, housework etc…keeps me entertained.

        PR x

      17. I’m a data analyst, report and dashboard designer. Keeps my mind focused.

        Yeah the only response to his picture lately has been me wanting to smash his face in with a brick! Sounds healthy dont ya think?! 🙂

      18. For such smart ladies what the hell were we thinking???
        There is a lot of smart cookies here but, looking for love makes us blind & stupid sometimes!
        I am getting clearer vision & am much smarter know 🙂

      1. Damn I remember like yesterday, the silence…..it was horrible and I remember being in a state of confusion and disbelief. How could someone who professed to care about you so much, do this? A few hours to cool down, okay…a day, two days, three days…a bit much! It drove me crazy and I obsessed with it too much. And like a fool, I texted crazily until he finally texted back that he was just stepping back because I wasn’t giving him space….whatever dude, we barely saw each other at that point (he was spending time with the OW instead).

        The best solution is to erase his number so you won’t contact him again. I know it’s easier said than done, because you want answers dammit. But more than likely you won’t get them. Don’t feel embarrassed by your actions, just hold your head high and walk away now with dignity.

        I now know that I will never go after a man, begging like I did with him. I’m worth too much and if he wants to act like a complete asshole and treat me like that, peace out! Your loss, not mine. I already have an asshole, I don’t need another….

      2. Thanks Lenore. My ex hasn’t spoken since leaving July 19. Granted I begged and fought early on. But it drives me crazy being ignored by his silence. He doesn’t even care enough to act like I existed. I’m hurt today.

      3. Just as a point of clarification… my reply may’ve been a little off-topic to the original thread post, but in my case, I wasn’t referring to extended periods of staying away/non-communication, but silence/no answers during the course of a discussion or conversation. If my soc has left in silence for more than a couple of days, I can trace it back to one of two things: he was with the “wife” I knew nothing about, or I’d asked for a behavior change, given an ultimatum or some other scenario he was actually respecting. I’m familiar with the other form of silent treatment from a different ex, however. :-/

    1. Spathturd
      Definition: Only Faecal matters to a Soc.

      Spathpoop
      Definiton: The ability to talk shit & make people eat it!

      Ahhh The Spatholoy of it all 🙂 we are expert Spathologists, turdologists, poopologists, all regarding Spaths Poo!

      1. Ahhh we are indeed degreed w a bachelor or masters in BMs (bowel movements???).

        BMs = synonym for Soc/Psyc

      2. Your clever 🙂

        I am off to therapy soon 🙂 more delving into my self 🙂
        Self reflection, self awareness, self responsibility, self compassion 🙂
        Yay it’s all about me 🙂

        Have a great night & this is for you 😉

        I loved this and wanted to share it with you…

        Why do I have a variety of friends who are all so different in character?
        How is it possible that I can get along with them all?
        I think that each one helps to bring out a “different” part of me.
        With one of them I am polite.
        With another I joke – with another I can be a bit naughty…
        I can sit down and talk about serious matters with one.
        With another I laugh a lot.
        I listen to one friend’s problems.
        Then I listen to another one’s advice for me.
        My friends are like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
        When completed, they form a treasure box. A treasure of friends!
        They are my friends who understand me better than I understand myself.
        They’re friends who support me through good days and bad.
        Real Age doctors tell us that friends are good for our health.
        Dr. Oz calls them Vitamin F (for Friends) and counts the benefits of friends as essential to our well being.
        Research shows that people in strong social circles have less risk of depression and terminal
        strokes.
        If you enjoy Vitamin F constantly you can be up to 30 years younger than your real age.
        The warmth of friendship stops stress and even in your most intense moments, it decreases the chance of a cardiac arrest or stroke by 50%.
        I’m so happy that I have a stock of Vitamin F!
        In summary, we should value our friends and keep in touch with them.
        We should try to see the funny side of things and laugh together and pray for each other in the tough moments.
        Some of my friends are friends on-line.
        I know I am one of their friends because their names appear on my computer screen often and
        I feel blessed that they care as much for me as I care for them.
        Thank you for being one of my Vitamins!

        Love PR xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

      3. Probably a good idea zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
        It’s 2 pm here in Australia & raining (Spring) & I have a long drive in freeway traffic 😦
        I shall play my music, chill & stay dry hopefully 🙂

        Nighty,nite mmmwah

  29. Not sure how this blog works yet but I am going to re-post this where it looks like the posts are the most recent:

    I just found this site out of a desperate search online to find something – anything – that would help me, and I am so eternally grateful I found this site, it’s been my lifeline for the past 24 hours and will be for the foreseeable future.

    Luminite, your story sounds similar to mine, at least in the beginning. I also just made a huge life change, picked up and moved to a brand new city for a great job where I knew not one single person, and built an amazing life for myself with great friends, etc. I was the happiest and best version of myself when he came along, 6 months into my new life. We met and immediately fell in love, it was instant and I had never felt that way before. I thought I had found my fairy tale. We did long distance for 2 months and then 3 months in he moved to my city and into my apartment. We were together 8 months total, and then on and off for the past year. I didn’t realize he was a sociopath, or maybe thought it but didn’t want to admit it, until recently. I ignored all red flags – his instant connection with me (I was on a love high), his lack of a career (he was a lifeguard when I met him, 7 years younger than me, and was waiting word about getting into officer school for the Army, needless to say that never transpired) his odd behavior when he drank, and his temper, his incessant lying, and the fact that I allowed him to live rent free while I went to work and he stayed home “looking for a job.” Long story short, he left his email open on my computer one day and I found out that he was on multiple dating websites, had secret email accounts, and would sext and send sexual pics and videos of himself all day long to multiple women (instead of looking for a job). He was a master manipulator, so of course he weaseled his way back in with LIES, overwhelming gestures of love, crying, pleas he would change, etc. Of course he didn’t. After the 2nd time I caught him I kicked him out and he got his own place, but naturally I caught him again. He kept me on his string since then, alternating between grand gestures of love and then terrorizing me with lies, blame (it was all my fault I am crazy), screaming at me, calling me terrible names, being psychical with me – you name it. The highs were so high, and the lows were/are unbearable. I allowed it to happen, and feel foolish and worthless. I am a very strong and independent, a very successful career woman and am also attractive and have a lot going for me – and I let this person into my life and he just bulldozed over me, leaving me a shell of my former self while he goes along his merry way, calling me crazy, psycho, and leaving a wake of destruction behind him, with me having zero coping mechanisms or concept of how to move on. I KNOW I need NC, and made a vow to myself today was the first day of the rest of my life (after he said terrible, horrible, heartless things to be on text last night, placing all blame on me and telling me it was over and he’s done) but I am so addicted to this person and their poison, I am struggling. I can’t talk to my friends about it, they are all sick of hearing his name and I have lost one friend because of him. I do have a therapist and she is helpful, but I need this site in the in-between times because getting through the day is rough.
    Thank you all for listening to my story. There is so much more to the story, as you all can imagine, but just reading through this blog and listening to you all is so very helpful when I feel so desperate.

    1. Hi RSAV…I am where you are now as well. Like you, I was an attractive, confident, strong woman, and have now been reduced to a begging, groveling, pathetic person that also gets told its all my fault…the cheating…the lies. I pushed him to cheat on me and treat me that way! I took the blame even…accepted the cheating and forgave him, only for him to leave me again saying that he was never coming back…he loved me, but was never coming back. Maybe if I would have someday changed “my ways” he would, but he is done putting up with my bullshit! I’m like you…I can’t stop crying and feeling so lost and incomplete without him! It’s disgusting! My friends and family are sick of listening and don’t understand of course and even when they do try to talk sense into me…telling me what I really know if I look in from the outside, as soon as I hang up, I’m wishing he would call or text. I have left the most sweet, sincere, beautiful text messages and voice mails, only to continue to get nothing in return except how my behavior is the reason why he is never coming back. He had ads online immediately looking for somebody else and I sit every day and night and just wish that he would come back and love me. He is younger than I as well…yesterday was his birthday and when I texted him to tell him that I was giving him what he really wanted on his birthday…freedom, he texted back “thank you.” It’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but what upsets me so and makes me so mad at myself is that if he texted or called right now and asked to come back, I would let him. Please stay strong…you have a friend here and I will be happy to respond anytime. – L

      1. Oh urrrgghh – remember that horrible painful situation. I had basically worked my ass off to get myself and the Spath boyfriend an apartment, while of course he didn’t contribute a penny!. He proceeded to just go through the money like it was water. At that time I was way naieve and thought he would replace the money and he was working for the same common goal of us having a place together that I was. Then when I was left homeless, and my cats and I were staying with his parents which was a very awkward and uncomfortable situation, he proceeded to find us a guest room in his friends house which was away from the main house but was basically a pit from hell. He stayed there with me for a very short term and made promises he would never leave me blah blah blah and promised his friend we would pay him some money. Well he spent all the money, when the money was gone, so was he – he went home to live with his parents. I was stuck in this horrible embarrassing situation where I had no money to pay his friend and didn’t even have the strength to face him or try and explain.

        I was first completely heart broken and humiliated to be dumped like that and I also had no car or food. I had been so looking forward to us getting a place together and then all of a sudden I was alone with nothing and nobody. I got dumped, the silent treatment galore, but oh he would talk occassionally when he would send me text messages to telling me he had just finished having sex with this other woman we had met at somebodys house which I never even would have thought her to be a threat. I was so depressed and embarrassed I hid in the room for 3 days, because I didn’t want to run into the house owner since I had now had no money for him, I was also starving to death and holding my bladder in until everybody in the house went to sleep because I didn’t want to face anybody, The more I hid, the more I was mortified about showing my face. I felt like such a loser. At that time he really convinced me it was my fault and I believed him. I cried, begged, wrote letters, promised I would change everything that was wrong with me if only he would come back. Meanwhile he was going through all my belongings stored at his parents house, giving them to other girls or selling them or probably trading them for drugs. It was one of the most painful times in my life. Now as I write this I want to strangle him, for treating me in such a horrific way. What a POS! Who can be that rotten to another human being??? Leave me, ignore me and torture me all at the same time! I’m just glad he is out of my life, he has to live with himself forever – good luck to him!

  30. Actually, I have found with the sociopath I was involved in once you break it off, they leave…you will not hear a word from them…mine had used me up completely towards her ends…once done she had already found a new mark before I tossed her out…next day, new guy…no words from her ever…and I know in her life she never returns to anyone…no friends, no family to speak of, no old buddies she stays in contact with…just roams, looking for new targets and when she is finished with them, that’s it…no remorse of course but also no need to ever contact in any sense…

    1. Cash 🙂

      My Soc (male) had so many on the go during my time with him it’s been very disheartening 😦
      I was discarded after 10 years without a bye or leave as the OW contacted me to find out who I was. I thought he was overseas on business but, he was holidaying with her.
      In her email to me she said they’d been together 3 1/2 years & living together 12 months so, blew my mind!!!
      The fact that she knows he’s a Soc & she herself is a Dr of Sociology, ( yep travels the world lecturing & profiling human behaviour), I was gobsmacked literally 😦 😦
      ca laugh now as I had red flags all over & yes tripped on quite a few but, because he had a high ranking job in the fire brigade well, I assumed he only saved people not tortured them!
      Oh well ‘ce la vie’

      Mine even collected Royal Dalton figurines (like his ladies) & his son (aka wing-man) collects predator figurines….yep I got the full blown delusional nut case & his family & he’s a ‘Stonemason’ yep belongs to a secret cult!!!….LOL Lucky me 🙂

      PR xoxo

    2. I’ve been reading all the comments here and can relate to so much of it: the lying, the cheating, the pity-plays, the blaming me and saying if I’d only do such and such (and it always changed again whenever I did do whatever he wanted me to change) things would be better–that he’d make more effort. Mine was 20 years younger than me and lived out of town–perfect set up for him to lie and use me and be the one more wanted. I found out, in the most serendipitous way possible (like the universe really really wanted me to find out), that he had lied to me for more than a year about the kind of work he was doing–I never investigated him or questioned it–it just came to me via someone I met by accident who lived in his city and knew him and worked with him. He did admit to the lie when I confronted him, and so I thought that was it, he wouldn’t do that again. He also told elaborate lies about where he was and what he was doing–though I can’t prove most of it–his stories often conflicted in small details. He lied about his vehicles, saying he had such and such a boat and truck. He lied about who he lived with. He lied about seeing other women. He lied about his education. He told me his father had been cruel to him. He talked about how he’d had mental health issues, how he stopped talking to people when he felt like it, he didn’t keep friends, he could just delete people and I felt SORRY for him, and he used this to manipulate me and he basically used me for three full years, to prop him up emotionally. We saw each other sporadically, but he’d call me every day for months, and then just disappear for a month or so. Always some excuse about having “issues” to sort out or I couldn’t understand what he was going through, and for the last year of our “relationship” (he did say he loved me and missed me and was always telling me he’d see me, but then of course, rarely did) he blamed his very stressful job, blah blah blah. I put up with it all. Why? Maybe because I couldn’t prove all the lies or maybe because he’d beaten me down emotionally and I thought that I couldn’t do better than him. But mostly, I kept waiting for all the promises he made to come to fruition. What ended it? I look back now and see how I fell apart at the end, how I was the one unraveling, how I was the one who yelled all the time out of my pain and frustration and disappointment. He probably laughed about it all. Finally, after one weekend with him, in which he switched on and off like a light bulb, right in front of me, acting hateful and miserable to me, but sweet and coy with people in public, I knew he wasn’t normal. I always knew, I suppose. I got pregnant that weekend, and when I told him, he said he wanted me to have an abortion and that I was ruining his life and that he was going to kill himself. I told him I wouldn’t do what he wanted, ever, that he could disappear forever and I wouldn’t do it. That was the defining moment for me. I stood up to him and he realized that he could no longer control me. He stopped talking to me. I suffered greatly by myself, scared and alone, unable to tell most of my friends that I was pregnant and what he’d done, as they were all sick of him by now. This was last spring. I ended up having a miscarriage, which I told him about, and instead of comforting me (he got what he wanted, after all) he never said he was even sorry. Nothing. No comfort. Was mean and cruel again, and more silent treatment. Finally he told me this August, that he was “finally happy” and that he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, that I was a bad memory that he wanted to forget. I of course let him have it, multiple messages that he probably laughed over or just deleted. It doesn’t really matter. I do feel like many of the people here–that I am a strong woman who fell for this, who wanted to be caring and empathetic, who ended up dissolving in some way emotionally so he could blame it all on me. I should have walked away so much sooner. I remember at the beginning when I was so infatuated with him (very handsome and charming) that I had a flash of insight and it was like a voice that said “you are doomed” and it was correct. I wish I had listened to that voice. Whoever might be reading this, you loved someone that didn’t exist. They can’t hurt you anymore because now you know they aren’t real. You are still the perfect and precious being that you were before the pains of life intruded. You did what you did out of love and hope and commitment and wanting to work things out. All of that says the best things about you. I am missing my child now, more than I will ever miss him. I wonder why it all happened, it seems such a waste. It is not our fault that people like this exist or victimize. I see all the signs but his plays for pity overode it all. And then at the end, I was just hooked and wanted something good to come from it all. I hung on way too long, but I forgive myself. I hope all of you here forgive yourselves too. We only believed in them because we’re decent people. They use that to their advantage and it’s not your fault.

      1. Hi hopeful still.
        I have just read your post. I think that u are practice 1 in a below comment that you responded to me below? Sorry that I have not got back to you sooner. Somehow I missed it.
        Wow. They really know how to get at us don’t they? So sorry that you lost your baby. I know how that feels too. We had been together for almost 8 months, trying to get pregnant for 6 and living together for 5. About a week before we went on holidays the first love bombing was over and the devalue/gaming stage had started for the first time. I was baffled. We went away to Vietnam and in that first week I found out I was pregnant. Finally! When I told him he shut me down, ignored it and turned the conversation to him and how much he missed his girls. That night he told me he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore Nor if he wanted anything to do with our child. We were on holiday. Needless to say the rest of the holiday was horrible. When we got bavk nothing more was said. I was walking on egg shells. He was nasty and then I miscarried. That morning he went for a 20k run and when I asked him to take me to hospital because I couldn’t drive he dropped me off at the door without even stoping the car and drove off. That night he dumped me. I begged him to stay with me, that I would change. The miscarriage was never mentioned again.
        Before the recent break up (a year after the miscarriage) we were on ivf. We did the egg pick up and got 3 embryos. The next day he ditched me for the last time. I ensured it was for the last time. I will NEVER go back.

        I did a embryo transfer last month (yes on my own) but didn’t get pregnant again.

        Why am I telling this? Well because u ask what was the point of it all? I think everyone is different but for me it was that I needed to learn about myself, I’ve been carrying around family wounds my whole life. I am now healing those and learning a much more fulfilling awareness and being. This would not have happened if it were not for the horrible treatment he gave me. This will make me a much stronger, loving, able, giving parent. And now that I am going to do this on my own. It is a godsend.

        I also have been having counciling and one session the pain and loss of the child i miscarried all came out. It was extremely healing.

        Hopefully I will still have a child. I have two more embryos here with him but I also have four in my home state where I was doing ivf with donor sperm before I met him. I am almost 42 but I will not give up.

        Good luck to you, I hope u can find your peace with what happened xxx
        Peace xx

  31. When this “silent treatment ” started for the first time I found myself in total darkness . I never had an experience like that. The deafening silence plunged me into a level of despair I had not gone before . As I cried histerically I thought, how could this man claim to love me so much and abandon me to this HELL! I didn’t understand. Little did I know that it was just the beginning. It would be easy to say , that had I known then what I know now ( three years later) I would have broken the relationship , but I can’t . I loved him that much and I totally realize how sick that sounds. Where was my self respect that I let my self be treated like that?
    He never physically or verbally abused me nor did he ever take from me to the point that I could not buy him a Birthday gift or Christmas gift.
    With me it must have been the sex he was after . There was lots of it but as in any relationship there comes a time when it ebbs of a bit , but not for him. He was relentless to the point were I said that I didn’t want to have just a sexual relationship .
    He even felt me out as to how I felt about anal sex , a subject that had never been talked about in previous relationships. I made it quite clear how I felt and told him that I would never consent to it .
    I believed a lot of our problems were cultural but looking back that wasn’t it at all. The fact I was played in such a horrible way goes bejond my comprehension . I was a tool in his arsenal that he used solay for his cruel entertainment and it is so enormously difficult to come to terms with.
    But I know that it is possible from what I read here. My heart feels so heavy in my chest and I know that I have a long hard road ahead of me.
    I know that some day I will be back , I just don’t know when. One thing I know for sure is that I will never be the same person I was before the DEVIL got a hold of me.
    To all of you out there who feel as I do I wish you peace and feel my arms around you as I give you a HUG.

    1. Hug received 😎
      You will see a better you will resurface after all this close encounter with the “Pinocchio Clan”
      A you that will see clearer…

    2. Awww Ladybug 🙂

      You are not alone & the anal sex thing is another trait, they must have a Socio Handbook that they all follow, they have such similar patterns/routines/communication lines etc…really weird.
      You will be okay & I promise that once the shroud lifts & you start focusing in on yourself & not the experience you will feel better & move forward.
      I had 10 years of the cycle & others have married & had children with these creatures.
      Head up, walk tall & proud…we are survivors of one of the most bizarre personality disorders roaming the earth!

      Love & Light & a big squeezy hag back atcha 😉

      PR xoxo

      1. Hey Phenix,
        Maybe there is a Sociopath College or something were they lern all this stuff. How else could they be so similar . Mine was also very proud of his genitals. He constantly tried to solissit complements . Never gave him any . Let him think I had bigger & better . Must have been some blow .
        Get ready here com’s the HUG!

      2. Hugs backatcha Ladybug 🙂

        Yes, it’s very weird about the same patterns the world over, it’s really quite spooky!
        The genitals show….Yep got that too….yippeedeedodah!!!
        Like you I was thinking “are you serious!” but, his ego couldn’t take it so, i would say “yep biggest & best”…..oops not only Sociopaths lie outrageously!!! 🙂 🙂 (lol)

        Take Care, be strong…the battle is not who wins but, who survives to be the strongest,bestest version of real 🙂

        PR xoxo

      3. Mine says he is the most handsome in his house, that he have a treasure between his legs…and have a tendency of exhibiting himself always with shorts or lycra pants, and in the house always shirtless..know that I think about is weird

      4. Hi Wish,

        Yes my Soc had the hugest EGO that a pole volter couldn’t jump over!
        Always running around naked & displaying himself like a prize turkey!
        Actually he looked like an over stuffed turkey, should have stuck an apple in his mouth & tied his legs together (lol)…OMG, I actually can visualize that & it’s hilarious 🙂 😉

        ‘Do you want stuffing with that & gravy!’ LOL..;)

        Love & Light 😉
        PR xoxo

      5. Lol. Mine was 6,6 and had the manhood the size of about the tiniest worm you could imagine. He would strut around naked, flashing that thing to other girls like it was the size of the Empire State Building! Of course I was never present when this happened because he was trying to cheat! However, guys or girls would be laughing but he had absolutely NO SHAME!!!! Just bizarre!

    3. Ladybug mine is still doing the silent treatment. And he used to ask if i would be with another girl so he could watch. I never did that and never will. Now he’s started telling others he has a girlfriend who is 105 and 5’6″. I assume she never eats or throws it up bc that sounds anorexic to me. But that’s just his lies. He has nobody and is too stupid to know the height weight ratios. Once I heard that I knew he was desperate and I feel freer today. For the first time I woke up today not caring what he was doing or who he was with. There is no hope for his kind. There IS hope for me.

      1. Hi Cash,

        Regardless of their gender/looks etc…they seem to have an endless supply of willing/unsuspecting victims 😦
        We can all do it if that is our agenda, it’s not mine but, Soc’s don’t care & it’s just a game 😦
        Your lady sounds like a Black Widow Spider eeewww, looks aside she’s a Devil!

        Be Strong, she’s someone else’s problem, just focus on you & being happy 🙂
        It’s the best & only revenge 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂

        PR xoxo

    1. GL 🙂
      They don’t come back if you call them out for what they are, unless they think you aren’t sold on the label yourself? Then they may reappear to play some more & have you doubting your judgement & hooking you back via your emotional tie to them….stay strong bella 🙂
      PR x

  32. I am going through the silent treatment from him right now. I never experienced someone like this before. I have been researching and praying this is not the type of person I am dealing with but it is. He lies, cheats, he’s a cop for NYPD at least thats what he says, he has never invited me into his world, we live 4 hrs apart. He played me like a deck of cards and dropped me like no tomorrow but keeps reoccurring into my life. He really got into my head and I need to get him and it’s been a struggle because I was won over by his charm, I can’t believe I fell for this ass wipe. I went through his phone and found text messages from other females he is working and he denies, I found a girl he is texting half naked pictures under his sun visor he said she put them there, he denies the truth! Then goes onto talking about stupid stuff! Thanks for educating me!!!

    1. Mel it does hurt like hell. Silent treatment makes me feel like I never existed. They are sick people tho. Mine was on all kinds of websites talking to women men transsexuals. Posting naked pics of himself etc. scared me to death. I got tested for all STDs when I found out! Be safe girl.

      1. Hey Judabug ,
        How are u doing?
        Hope things are falling in to place with u as I know they have for me. It’s not an easy journey we’re on but we all know we have to go through it before it gets better .
        Oh , I still miss him and all that but after everything we’ve learned about them and how they operate , there is really no way back .
        Mine was at my door again on Friday wanted to bring me my beach chair and a fan I had given him . He did send an email prior to showing up. I didn’t respond to it so he just showed up. I made believe I was not home and called my sister Germany. It was verry upsetting .
        As I saw him leaving , he was by his car , I noticed he had crutches under his arms and my heart just dropped. Found out from my super that his left leg was in a cast . I felt like shit . I wanted to call to him to come back so I could mother him…….
        but I didn’t .
        I visualized his face when he told me that it was his right to watch pornagrophy , something I have detested a of my life. I had never wanted to be with a man who was in to that sort of thing . Yet something inside me knew and I ignored it along with a lot of other things bla bla bla.
        We all know what it is .
        As we continue on our road away from them , there really is no way back . After everything we have learned from Posi and PR . What kind of a relationship would it be with our guard up all the time not that it ever was a real relationship to begin with .we were just fooled in to believing that it was.
        Oh there is one more thing I wanted to let you know . My sister is arriving on Wednesday Oct. 2 . I did’nt see her in 12years . I won’t be here as much . Don’t want you to think that I’m giving u the ” silent treatment ” or that I went back with him. Ha Ha
        Hang in there we are all in this together and that’s what makes it bearable
        Here comes the Hug
        Got it ?

      2. I got ur hug ladyB. I’m doing better. Like u I still miss him but I remind myself of all the things he’s done since day one. I know we can’t take them back and I wouldn’t want him around my granddaughter for sure! I’m finally getting to see her and my daughter. We went shopping all say yesterday and believe it or not I rode the kiddie train!!! LOL she comes to visit and scopes out the house for presents. :-). She’s only 3. Man oh man I’m in trouble!!

        As for my Psyc I still haven’t heard from him. I woke up last night and wanted to tell him how evil he was bc it still hurts that he could walk away wo a word. Been two months now and nothing…like I never existed. But I have people keeping me busy and work is good and I have a roommate. She came from Holland to Texas! It’s been going good. I went back to my church that he took me away from. Started two bowling leagues and finished some house projects he was too stupid to finish. I have fewer bad days. Mostly brief moments now. Still not ready for a relationship w anyone but I’ve been out a few times. Well I’m off to church now. Email me if UR not online here. PR and Soc have my email so we don’t have to put it out here for the Socs to get.

      3. Hi Judah and Ladybug.

        I am where you are both now as well. My ex S has not been in contact pretty much for 3 months (broken up for almost 4). He will not be back. I will never go back and have known this since the day he broke it off for the last time. I think that he knows this too and that is part of why there is only silent treatment. But really he is Silent because he has finished with me (I have also been NC since we broke up except to deal with some legal issues). He knew that i was cottoning on and that i was getting stronger not weaker and that i was not giving him any more money (he earned twice as much as me yet somehow i still ended up broke????) .

        What i miss is the life. We had so much fun. Did so much together. Constantly doing stuff. We would wake up in each others arms and smile and laugh. Enjoying each other day in day out (or so i thought). It still shocks me that one day i thought I had it all and was soooo in love and then the next it was gone with no warning and no explanation.

        But i am glad i am no longer living with the constant red flags and doubt. I was also being played in triangulation with the ex wife. Poor thing, she is still trapped. I am feeling more and more like my old self. I have more and more happy moments, i am starting to really live my life again am enjoying the warming weather and what life and the future has to offer and i have re started the process of having a child (IVF). Dating is still a way off but i have recently met a guy that I found myself interested in… this is a great sign 🙂

        I still have the moments of sadness, but they are only moments, and then i remind myself of all the bad, the lies, the disrespect, and those inhuman treatments i got (such as dropping me off at the hospital when i was miscarrying our baby and driving off without a kiss and then ditching me that night) and i get over it. It hurts (at times) to think that he is currently love bombing someone else and giving her that special look and all that “love” that he used to give me. But then I realize that he will eventually do the rest to her as well. If she is strong like me, she will be discarded completely before too long. but if she is weak like the ex wife (who tried to kill herself and the kids on two occasions when they were together), then she is in for years of torture.

        Something that stands out to me is that many of us speak of revenge, but there is no need. They can never feel love or true happiness or contentment. How horrible. That is karma at play. They will never know the joy of what being human truly means. To truly love. To hold someone in their arms and be overwhelmed with feelings of joy/love/happiness/completeness. They will always be empty. THAT is nothing i would wish on even my worst enemy. Which i guess he and his kind is… therefore we have already won.

        WE have what they want but they can never have. I think that they choose the extremely empathetic people because they have an incredibly jealousy of us. They may at first be attracted and want us because they see what we have and want it. but after a while they realize that we can not teach them, no one ever can and therefore their desire turns to jealousy which turns to a desire to destroy. To hurt. To kill what they can never have. and in my ex’s case, to pretend i never existed in his life.

        My ex always used to say that one of the things he loved the most about me was that i still kept my mothers memory (died 25 years ago -when i was 16) and the feelings i had for her so alive. There was truth in this because he could never understand it. He has nothing but contempt for his mother and family and ex wife and everyone. My overflowing love and grief for my mother would have been like a moth to the flame but for him the flame had no warmth he couldn’t touch it, understand it, have it. So all that was left was to destroy it and when that did not work, to walk away and pretend it never existed.

        These creatures will never know love. Think about that. How horrible that would be. They will never feel full or complete or worthy or anything. They are hollow. empty. dead. There is our revenge. There is karma. But it is not somethign i would wish on anyone. I pity him on one hand and think he is pathetic on the other.

        Ladies. We won.
        Peace.

      4. That’s great It Is Done 🙂

        You are releasing with compassion for the Soc which is really nice 🙂
        They are hollow people & won’t ever have what we have & that is empathy 🙂
        In order for you to move through this episode you have to forgive but, most of all forgive yourself for loving the unlovable.
        You have great love & compassion to give to a deserving person & or child so, keep up your positive healing & free yourself of the past.
        Your future is ahead & though you mourn the loss of this relationship, you have found yourself & you are reborn so, make the most of it & value yourself cause your worth it 🙂

        Love & Light always 🙂

        PR xoxo

  33. p.s. i am not saying that people who stay longer in these abusive relationships are weak… each soc is a little different. With mine, i was more trouble than i was worth and he knew that I had grown more sure, not less, after the last time we broke up. This was not what he expected. He expected me to get more and more malleable but i actually went the opposite. I think this is in part because i am now pretty sure that he is my second Soc and i swore after the last one that i would never loose myself again and when i felt myself start to slide i fought against it. He did not like or want this and saw me as a lost cause. Hence why he will never contact me again.

    1. It Is Done 🙂

      Once they know you are onto them they leave with their tail between their legs like the cowards they truly are.
      Mine does not contact me either, which makes the healing much quicker & easier as it’s not drawn out with more mindless BS.
      I am grateful & I don’t need answers that will only be more lies & I don’t need a Soc ever in my life to prey on my good nature so, be gone & be done with them 🙂

      All will be okay, just stay strong & take your life back into your own truth & power where it belongs 🙂

      PR xoxo

      1. Hi Pos 🙂

        It’s going good but, has made me very aware of generational patterns of abuse & acceptance of it so, has been very confronting.
        I think meeting my Soc, finding you & the rest has led me to an awareness that I would never have found so, as hard & hellish as it’s been it has altered my life for the better 🙂
        I am amazed at my life & resilience & I gain great strength from your blog & other people 🙂
        My therapist said I have had a ‘huge life’ of experience & is blown away by me 🙂
        I think that’s a good thing? LOL 😉

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      2. Yes it is quite confrontational – as you cant hide from it as they observe not only what you say – but how your body language reacts – which is great as this can bring out things that perhaps even you haven’t thought about. Am really glad that it is working out well for you!! You do sound very cheerful which is good to see!!! 🙂

      3. Thanks Pos,

        It’s amazing that our quest for happiness sometimes makes us override the truth so, that we even delude ourselves.
        I have been protecting abusers & accepting unacceptable behavior forever as I learnt to disassociate from a young age. My awareness of my lack of self worth has led me here today & I was victimized but, am learning to trust the process of life & know that my lesson has been a long time coming. Finally long ingrained patterns will be changed for the better & for the future.
        I have learnt a huge life lesson from all of this & my Soc was part of my journey to my higher self 🙂 Next time I hope it doesn’t take so long??? LOL 😉

        I hope you are doing well also 🙂
        Butterflies abound 🙂

        Love PR xoxo

  34. My path is silent to show his new wife “how much” he loves her. Also because I told him I taped our conversations, now he can’t lie and manipulate me to believe how unhappy he is with his new wife. He knows i would tell her.

    1. I bet he HATED that you told him you recorded his conversations – as they hate to lose control. If I told my ex that I had recorded him – he would likely report me to police for breach of privacy – data protection or something like that (or threaten to)…

      1. lol! I actually had hand-written letters from him (about 40 of them ..smothering) as he was out of contact for that long about 7 years ago, courting me, telling me how much he loved me, missed me, wanted to be with me. And upon him telling the OW that I was “making it up” and it was “all a ploy to break them up”, I sent her a giant envelope of every hand written letter he ever wrote me…

        …..oops 🙂

        Yet he still wanted to re-connect with me again, years later, knowing I had openly exposed all his secrets.

        Never underestimate the level of crazy these relationships can bring out in you.

  35. Hey Judabug,
    I see things are looking up for u and I’m truly happy for u . I think having your daughter back in your life is a big help for u as well as a great diversion from the Devil . Be glad that u haven’t heard from him for it would only rip the scab of your heart again . But by now I know how unpredictable they are . It constantly makes u wait for the other shoe to drop.
    Mine called again on Saturday . Wanted to know when he could bring the beach chair and the fan . To save myself further phone calls or texts I answered the phone . I just told him that I didn’t want it and to get rid of it and hung up. He must be wondering what in the hell has gotten in to her since he never saw this side of me .
    Don’t want to worry about him all that much since he’s just not worth it.
    You write about your new roommate
    from Holland ( I have been there many times) and it’s just so funny . The love of my life was from Holland . I was with him for 19 years . He died in 1991 with me by his side . It was very tragic . I wrote about it somewhere here on the site in more detail . Can’t go through that again , still very painful.
    Don’t know how to obtain your e-mail address but I tried. I’m not that knowledgeable about computer stuff . Maybe you could get mine if you already know how to do it. By the way I’m in New York . That’s all for now , got to walk my dog.
    Keep on going Darling
    I’m right there with u
    XOXOXO

      1. Hi POSITIVAGIRL ,
        Yes I will send it again . My request had been for Judahbug ‘s E-mail address to be send to my E-mail address if that is possible. Thanks and greetings

  36. Hey Judahbug,
    I see things are looking up for u and I’m truly happy for u. I think having your daughter and granddaughter back in your life is a big help for you as we’ll as a great diversion from the Devil. And speaking of the Devil , be glad you have not heard from him , because it would tear the newly formed scab right of again . But I know how unpredictable they are . It constantly makes you wait for the other shoe to drop .
    Mine called again on Saturday , wanted to know when he could bring the beach chair and fan. To save myself further phone calls and texts I answered the phone . I just told him that I didn’t want it and to get rid of it and hung up. He must be thinking what in the hell got in to her since he never saw this side of me. Don’t want to worry about him all that much since he is just not worth it.
    You write about your new roommate from Holland , well that is just so funny. The love of my life was also from Holland . I spend 19 years with him. He died in 1991 with me by his side . I wrote a post about it somewhere further up on this site. Can’t go through that again still very painful.
    Don’t know how to obtain your e-mail address but I tried . I’m not that knowledgeable about computer stuff. Maybe you could get mine if you know how to do it. By the way I’m in N.Y.
    That’s all for now , got to walk my dog. She is sitting here with here with her legs crossed .
    Keep on going Darling, I’m right there with you. XO

  37. Hello it is done,
    Thank you for joining us as we are stumbling back to life. It is such a treacherous road . But when you find yourself on the floor there is only one way to go and that’s up .
    It could not have been accomplished without this wonderful site and all the support we have found here .
    Thanks POSITIVAGIRL and all the other lady’s who have shown us the way, even tho we’re not there yet but we are seeing a dot of light in the distance.
    Mine used to say that I had THE most beautiful heart he had ever seen . Was that the reason he tried to destroy it with such vengeance ? I will not let myself feel sorry for him , as I have before , because it interferes with my recovery. Don’t want to think of him as a human being , because he is not . I need to see him as the DEVIL and if that makes me selfish or unkind then so be it . Tough times call for drastic measures when you’re fighting for your sanity.
    Hun , don’t pity him just pity yourself as you are licking your own wounds .
    Remember why you are in this place in the first place.
    Big HUG from me to U. Keep going!

    1. Thanks Ladybug. some days i feel as you do, that he was the devil. I still struggle with getting angry at him though… something i am working on.

      1. Hi It is done 🙂

        Don’t give up on yourself or your dreams of a family, it may not be what you visualized but, you can manifest it in another way.
        Time to take a break & re-invent your life & manifest a better outcome….keep going, you are not alone & I am sorry you are suffering 😦

        Love & Light 🙂

        PR xoxo

  38. hi It is done. thanks so much for your words i was just reading what you wrote 30 sept 1:13
    so good to read that you are much stronger and it helps what you was writing
    that we are the winners cause we have that treasure to know how love feels to be lovingfull people. ES

    1. Thanks Es,
      Like all of us though i still have some bad days. I am working with a therapist and know that i have a lot to fix inside. Unfortunately i found out yesterday that I am not pregnant and suddenly I am very sad again. I dreamed of him last night with a baby and a woman but they were living in the home that i grew up in. In my dream i figured out that he must have got her pregnant before he left me and that is why he just left because i couldn’t give him a baby. It was horrible. The baby in the dream was so real I was warning the mother of what a monster he is.
      It is my first really bad day in over 2 weeks. It does get easier. But sometimes it still hurts. Today it hurts. He got me hooked with the dream of a beautiful family, us in our beautiful home with our beautiful kids. Today it hurts.
      xxx

      1. Good you are with a therapist soon i will have talks too i tought i might need it after everything i went through..i think you are doing good , dreaming about him and the subjects that are hurting you and are important for you is a great sign of giving it place inside yourself.its a healing proces.and dreaming.i hope you feel better today.i wish you strength and there are a lot of beautifull things to discover in life! keep on believing and wishing for all the good you want and deserve! you are worth living the life that makes you happy keep on wishing 🙂 lots of love ES

      2. Good you are with a therapist soon i will have talks too i tought i might need it after everything i went through..i think you are doing good , dreaming about him and the subjects that are hurting you and are important for you is a great sign of giving it place inside yourself.its a healing proces.and dreaming.i hope you feel better today.i wish you strength and there are a lot of beautifull things to discover in life! keep on believing and wishing for all the good you want and deserve! you are worth living the life that makes you happy keep on wishing 🙂 lots of love ES

      3. I understand the baby loss too…I’m going through that now as well (see my comment above). I thought the baby would finally bring something good and beautiful from a relationship that had only hurt me in the end. But it wasn’t to be… I hope you will have the real family you want in time. Peace.

    2. Hi ES 🙂

      I haven’t read all your threads but, I wish you continued strength & support.
      Remember, we are our thoughts so, think kind, worthy, deserving when you think of yourself & you will get through this, we are all testaments to survival 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂

      To inspire you…PR xoxo

      1. Thanks Phoenix Rising yes its totally true ,positive toughts are half the work in the grief proces, lately i,m doing much better this morning i woke up with a new tought with strength.i had to think of my ex but in a different way, my tought was: if he doesn,t see my beauty and worth he is totally not deserving me..that is a better tought waking up than i ever had…so i go in the right direction finally..thanks for your support. i am focussing myself on more strengthfull toughts..the missing starts to be less and less and still i wonder sometimes what will happen when i don,t miss him anymore will he show up? some fear and hope at the same time, wich is a paradox..i wish everyone strength and positive toughts of selfworth and love!.we are all special and worth a lovingfull life with lovingfull friends xx

      2. @ES 🙂

        I am glad you are feeling better & stronger everyday & hold onto those good thoughts.
        If he does come back which is possible then you will be more prepared but, stay NO CONTACT for ever if you can.
        Keep focusing on you as you are worth so much more than the Soc can ever provide!

        Love & continued support & light 🙂
        PR xoxo

  39. Hello all.
    PLEASE READ THIS NEED HELP

    I am very new to all this…but could do with guidance.

    I had a real bad traumatic experience when I was 16, left home and family and moved half way across the country… Obviously I was a mess…

    I only had a set of clothes and was put up in a dingy pub , damp wet , cold, infested…eventually I saw a counsellor and because of my situation , it was all checked the local council put me up and offered me a flat

    I ended up being with a guy (schizophrenic) who beat..me and tried to kill me many of times… My dad was also schizophrenic and he used that line a lot to make me connect and accept what he does… (My dad was a completely different locked up in a mental home somewhere)

    The only reason why I put up with this for 4 years (from 17-21) was because I had absolutely no body, no family no friends but most of all what happened to me at 16… I thought NOTHING was WORST THAN THAT SO STAYED!!

    Eventually the last straw was when he pulled out a knife at my flat and tried to gas the flat…saying “if I can’t have no one one will” a friend came to my rescue charged at him and restrained him but by this time I was battered. I left him that day.

    I got in touch with family and explained what I had gone through…. Obviously my mum was in bits because I had already left home 4/5 years ago from a huge horrific experience.

    I met a few other guys for about 3 years dated them and split like normal as it just did not work.

    Then I was back on track and did a music video… Which is where I met him (THE SOCIOPATH/PYSCOPATH)

    He was not anything I would usually go for but he was funny… For a good 6 months he asked to be my boyfriend but I was like no lets stick to just seeing…plus I was seeing other guys but bit by bit I whittled them down then it was just him.

    After about a year he met my mum, and rest of the close family… I then opened up to him and explained all of my past and why I fled from my home town. This was a huge step but I wanted him to understand me and I did not want to lie.

    He was so charming always did thing for me and my family … Took me on holidays met all my friends I even met couple of his friends everything was good… Until I started getting a little upset when he would turn up ridiculously late always, or he would leave me out in the rain for like an hour when we was suppose to meet or worse not even turn up
    At my house because he had to work late . This happened often

    He told me he had a daughter of 14 years old and that he did not want to be with the mother so they went through the courts and and she fled with the daughter to France. He said he was gutted and it hurt him so much so the understanding person I am I said “when she hits 18 she will come looking for you and and il be with you through it”

    He would come to my friend weddings and reception and events and parties and every one liked him he was so calm, charming and everyone envied me, always saying what a lovely couple we were.

    He worked as a nurse and managed a mental health care home. (THIS IS TRUE) but he is not registered as a nurse??

    He would ignore me for days… ???
    He had every angle covered the excuses were on point…..this happened regularly after about 9 months into the relationship it got worst!

    He said he lived in the country about 1.30hrs from me.
    I had never met his family I had been with him 2.5 YEARS… He said his mum was on anti depressants and his dad try hang him self.. So obviously I was not up for going round their house if this was the case.

    I found a lip gloss in his car and a hair bobble, obviously I was angry and asked but he was sooo calm and just replied “it’s one of my patients” he did not hesditate , flinch or stutter seemed genuine…

    I’d write him letters and text him explaining how upset I was that he never spent 24 hours with me or give me more time or that we never had dinner as I never cooked for him, all we did was eat out because he loved to treat me and make me feel special…but his excuses were that people at work, things had happened or someone did not turn up so he had to cover…

    We started to prepare for a family and looked in to buying my flat.

    A month before we split I found photos on a memory card that I found in his bag because I had a bad feeling something was odd… I would never do this to anyone, but I did it.

    I found a women and a kid that looked like him of about 2 years old? He told me his X was Caucasian But the women wasn’t she was the same race as me… So I was like wait a minute is this another women another child he never told me this, had he been cheating??? Questions went around in my head.

    I confronted him his reply “no that was a link so I said

    ” so is that your other child you never said why you lying u know that’s your child they look like you??”

    He said “I never told you her race because I wanted you to feel like you was special the only one, ok that’s my x the pics are old bout 10 year ago this is all I have of my daughter”

    He got a Little down. So I said right there nothing else to hide that’s it??

    Yes I felt sorry for him that this photos were all he had…

    I spoke to my sister who he also had fooled who just said “I don’t know what it is but he’s a bit odd, something not quiet right”

    Anyway we spoke and moved on from that.

    I quit my job and started trying for a baby, he sent off for my provisional and also the deeds to buy my flat which was returned so everything was happening… He bought a few new things for my flat for the start of a family.

    We had sex a couple times and I ended up going to the docs and getting morning after pill twice as I felt something was not right then Thursday 10th 2013 my sister rang and asked if I could remember the names of any of his family… I said “oh yes” she said check them out on FACEBOOK… I said “he told me no one was on there and iv checked for him before but he wasn’t”.
    Anyway I looked up his sister and BAM she was there… Defiantly his sister she looked exactly like him and I found his mum and dad and another sister.

    I started looking through albums and one album caught my eye it’s said X and Ys wedding and another “BIG BROS WEDDING”

    Album said 2011 may – there was all pictures of him and the same women I saw in the pics a month ago… I was in bits but I met him in 2011 July so there was a few months inbetween…
    Things did not make sense or add up…
    The friends who I had met a few times where also in the albums

    I texted his phone and sent the pics , he said it was a spoof and he had never been married??? I was going crazy with “why you lying I got the proof I can see the photos”
    I checked his sister account again but this time the photos where now hidden???

    He then called back to say it was for visa purposes??? And that he was not actually really married.

    I told him if that’s the case the only way il know the truth is if I ask the women in the photos what the deal is??? He panicked and begged me not to, that I should wait and let him explain.

    Because of his reaction I just messaged her. By this Time (Thursday 10th 2013 in evening) he had turnt up at my door. I put my iPhone on record and thought right he’s prob going to have a reason.

    As soon as I looked at him I new what was coming I tried to hit the stop record button but there was no time….I was in tears.
    He was soooo calm and told me “I’m married I met you couple months after and i have a daughter 2.5 years old the same age as the relationship!!!”

    Wow that hit me!!!

    I was hysterical went mad , punched him in his face a couple times – I started asking all questions and he admited he was leading a double life…. Coming to me then going home he was always horny?? Obviously iv had to get checked.

    The lipgloss I found was his wife and the bobble his daughters.

    He never spent a full 24 hours with me at home because of this, he ignored me for days because he had a completely new life.

    He was so calm when I was kicking off like no emotion no care, he even said “i don’t know why he does this, he’s got issues I’ve worked in the mental health business for over 10 years maybe that’s why I’m the way I am, When i was 16 the same thing happened to me too”

    As soon as he try say he experience the same as me at 16 I punched him again and again and was screaming, he was lying just trying to make me feel sorry make me forget what he had just offloaded in me.

    It was like 4am by know I was totally destroyed…

    I have about 1 hour of recording and wow he sounds emotionless whilst I’m in bits going crazy!!!
    He manipulating me and everything I can hear it and everyone else says he sounds pysco.

    His wife messaged me on Facebook she then called my fone however when I spoke to her she was also pretty calm an not bothered…
    Her response “I can’t imagine how your feeling, you can have him” ??
    I was expecting an argument or something it was like he had done this before??!!!

    She then went in to say “come home” and he said “il explain”

    He then just left and had not contacted me since…

    He new all about my past at 16 and my violent relationship, before I met him I was on track I could see the light at the end of the tunnel…. I trusted him and opened up to him but with all my bad luck from young he has hurt me the most….nothing he said was true everything lies.

    I tried to kill my self a few days later, signed off with depression, booked in with a psychiatrist and am now staying with my sister for a bit…. I am a total mess…. He really got inside my head… I REMEMBER him always saying I should be great ful for things like i owed him all the time.

    It’s only been a week since this happend and I DONT understand a thing. He had not contacted me did I mean nothing ?? I’m such am understanding person I could never do this. He had everyone fooled including my family and friends .. He only lives the next town up the road from my sisters house within his wife and child… Talk about living in the edge… Many of time he would pick me up go for food in the area only to know 10 mins away was his family!!! Soooo close.

    I never thought this would happen to me iv had enough bad things as it was!!! He new me inside out!! Ruined me.

    Not sure what to do!!! At some point I’m going to write about this in detail because I feel people should know.

    If he ever does contact me which I doubt I know I have to be strong and everything I thought was love was a huge lie! That’s the hardest thing to accept as I don’t understand.

    It’s only been a week and it’s all still fresh.

    Advice is needed
    There’s my story

    Thank you

    1. I am so sorry – that I do not have time to respond to you today. I am about to go out. But I didn’t want your comment to sit there waiting when it sounds like you are in need of help and support. I have therefore put your comment as a post. I hope that you will receive support from the community. it sounds like you have been through so very much – this is a testament to your strength. I will post a response tomorrow or later this evening.

    2. Hi broken.
      I am so sad for your pain. Ur story is very hard and sad and I can hear your pain. Just know that this is the hardest part. it will hurt for a little while, overwhelmingly so, but then slowly it will eb.
      What I am sure of though is that as you get through this, with professional help, you will come out of this a much more aware, stronger woman.
      May I suggest doing as much reading on the net, not just on sociopathy but on healing yourself. I started with codependency but that was me. Perhaps looking at PTSD, or even search up specific to your past.
      There is Much happiness out there. Sounds like you have had it pretty tough to start, but with healing u will find what a wonderful world it is. And u can be whole. Just hang in there.
      Peace and love xx

    3. Hi Broken,
      The one I “found” was married and lied about it too. Also like you, when I complained about his behavior, time and treatment of me, his response was basically, if I didn’t like the amount of time given, then “have none”. As though his time is so precious and valuable I should be grateful for ANY attention. Puleez. Soooooo special.

      This is a self-centered person you are dealing with (soc’s are also narcissists) so, he is thinking of him—never you. He has likely gone back to the wife and pumped her full of lies.

      You are way more valuable than the person and disgusting behavior you’ve been exposed to. You don’t say how you found this site, but as you are new, definitely read the articles; it will begin to give you some peace and perspective to understand what you are dealing with. From there, you will begin to find your way and eventually some personal power and confidence. Take care of you.

      1. Hello

        It explained everything to my doctor who after I tried to end my life referred me too a pyscartrist, they said iv been dealing with a sociopath… So looked it up and found this site, I started to believe it was my fault and with depression already I just felt broken. However after reading all this I realise. He really got in my head and messed me up even more than anything. I just got to find myself again but it very very hard. The inly thing with this time is I have a good handful of people helping me and being there. I just can’t believe. I nearly ended my life seriously because of him and his evil ness. It’s only been about a week and I know there is a long way to go but In reading in. To all this psyco stuff and it all make better sense.

      2. There’s must be a proportion that says that as farther the sociopath is more sanity you will find. Take care of yourself, the journey for a better life without lies, deception, ache, jealousy, infidelity, words without meaning, promises without acts will end.
        I hope you the best!

      3. Hi Broken & Low 🙂

        Knowing that you are not alone & that there are others of us out here like you is half the battle. So never give-up, the Soc is not worth you losing the wonderful, beautiful person you are 🙂
        We are here & we understand, we have all been to hell & back but, we are still standing & getting stronger & better all the time.
        You can count on us as we will help & support you as best we can 🙂
        Welcome to the site 🙂

        Love & light 🙂
        PR xoxo

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