It can be difficult either being in the relationship with the sociopath, or leaving them. They are masters of manipulation and control. Sociopaths will burn your life to the ground, if you hang around with them for long enough.
It can take some time to rebuild your life, rebuilding your social networks. Or even trusting someone again. Additionally you might find it difficult to explain to those close to you (if you have anybody left) how you are feeling.
Facebook can be great, but it uses your personal information, and maybe you want to stay anonymous. Please use this page, and the comments, to drop by to say hi. How are you feeling today? How is your day going? On a scale of 1-10 how are things going for you?
Comments come to this site, all over the site, but as a reader you wouldn’t see this. So that you know you are NOT alone, drop by and say hi. Know that you are NOT alone, there are thousands of people every day reading this site. Say hi, and support each other.
375 thoughts on “STOP BY AND SAY HI!!”
I have split yet again from my sociopathic ex.
I believed him Everytime and I feel very foolish.
The turning point though was the third time he tried to strangle me, I put up with the lies because I knew everything was a lie.
He had access to all my social media and emails, proudly telling me he could even see my whattsapp messages.
I’m now trying to rebuild my life and forget about the last 5 years
Hey Shazper, your comment, did alarm me when you say that you have split with him ‘yet again’ and that this time he tried to strangle you.
I don’t want to frighten you. I cannot diagnose the person that you were with. But if you were with someone who is psychopathic in nature, and he has got to the point of potential strangulation, you REALLY do need to take this seriously. People like this, can have an inner rage, and lose control – they have no guilt, remorse, or shame for their actions. A violent one (not all are) is a VERY dangerous one. I can promise you, that this will NOT get better over time. It will only get worse. Please do not return, what other support networks do you have available to you? Family, friends, access to DV support in your area?
I am delighted at discovering this site. I have spent the past 5 months trying to recover from a breakup, trying to figure out what went wrong, asking for an explanation from my ex. Even directly asking for closure. Only for the support of good friends I think i would have lost my mind. Now, finally, I understand that I was dating a sociopath. It is proving very painful (frightening actually) to read this site, having to face up to the fact that even the few things I clung to as being true, were not. That the whole relationship was a lie from start to finish. I have always kept a journal and when I read it back after the breakup I could find no good memories. But I’m going to keep on reading so that I never make this mistake again.
I am sorry Carole, coming to terms with the truth after being lied to can be very painful.
I have turned the tables. I am a pretty well adjusted woman who ended it with a man I’m convinced is a sociopath. Now I call him when I feel horny and use him for casual sex. I will never say “I love you,” and don’t care about his “poor me” b.s. He’s great in bed and my friends tell me I’m looking wonderful. It’s nice to be in control.
GO CAREFUL Edi, please as if this person is a real true Sociopath, they ALWAYS bring destruction to your life. It is not a game you can play.
Thank you for your concerns. My eyes are wide open. I am very careful and will not fall into his tangled web.
As a person who played the dance for years, many of them knowing he was a sociopath, the sociopath only ALLOWS you to think you are in control. They are always in control. If it is a real sociopath.
I am a single mother of five. I have recently reacquainted with an old friend, just before my divorce. She is now my roommate, I discovered after just about a month of living with her that she is a sociopath, She tried to turn my adopted daughter against me and she is making my life very difficult. I am just looking for support as I begin this journey. We are 7 months into a three lease. The manipulation and the daily maintenance of this is almost unbearable. If it weren’t for my faith in God, I don’t know how I would make it. If anyone has any suggestions on how to make this easier, I would really appreciate the advice.
Hi brook and welcome. Is there anyway that you can look for somewhere else to live? Or is this financially not possible?
So I was in a relationship with a guy which went on and off for a couple of times with breaks as long as 2 months and everytime the relationship resumed it was like same as before, same love, same craziness and constant love bombing used to begin right after some sorries and acknowledgement of a little wrong doing. I feel i was so much lost in the smoke of what he made me believe about him and how crazily we connected and how well he understood me. For some time, I started feeling resentment for my family as to why they don’t understand me as well as him. Yeah, he was that good at faking it, but such a sad realization it is. Everytime I tried to get too close or ask for long term commitment he used to start demeaning me and he challenged and mocked pretty much all aspects of my life- my career, looks, friends and even family. It feels as if he knew me too well, and after such a hard break up and sudden lack of empathy, it feels as if he stole something so precious from me. I feel lost, I feel disoriented and a I feel deeply hurt as the person I fell madly in love with never existed. He broke up with me at a very difficult time and leaving scars which will go on with me for life. One thing is that you get your heart badly broken by someone you loved and other is that you start questioning yourself as to how could you put your faith in such a monster. How did you fail to see who he was whilst lying cozily in his arms. How? And why me? Why did he pick me for his pleasures and then threw me off when I started asking for something real. Yes I am totally lost right now, this website helps but is he really that vain? What makes him happy? Why did he went for all that drama? I am still not able to go through that no contact thing? I don’t text him and nor does he but the texting is still open, don’t have the courage to block it yet..
Hi, I hear your pain, confusion, in your comment. I am so sorry that you have been left feeling this way. What happened, is not your fault. You did not do anything to deserve this. Neither are you stupid for not detecting who he really was.
They are better at hiding, than you were at seeking out the behaviour. Likely because you had never experienced it before.
He picked you, because you were warm, kind, generous, all of the traits I want you to love about you. He picked you for all of the things that make you very special.
Please don’t let your experiences with this person make you doubt yourself. Or make you feel that you are less than you really are. He was the expert at this…. and will continue to be so. I am sorry that you are hurting, each day away from him, you will heal.
Hi….I really don’t know where to begin with this!
In September 2014 I finally left my Sociopath. I returned to Britain,and he remained in Spain where we both lived.
It wasn’t plain sailing, his endless need to still try and control via vile emails sometimes 12 per day.
I went legal in the end, and it took just over 2 years,going to a 3rd and final court hearing,because of his endless stalling,lying,and ignoring legal documents. Finally the judge deemed in my favour,she was granted a divorce,finances were sorted,and he was ordered to pay half my legal costs,as to his timewasting…at that point they’d reached £16000!
I’ve got on with my life,met someone else, and never had anymore contact with my ex.
This week,exactly a year to the day of the final court hearing….he’s found dead in his apartment in Spain.
Forensics sealed his apartment off,and via his daughter she’s told me today he was cremated there,and his wish was that no one attend,and this friend was to collect his ashes.
He’s left everything to his daughter,and a letter to be opened after his death…she’s yet to receive this,as she’s here in the UK.
My ex knew some nasty people,was totally vindictive and every trait running as to a sociopath.
His last words to me last year was…that he never wanted to set eyes on me ever again,
To me,he played his games to the end,and I think he committed suicide….my fear now is, will he seek revenge on me,via someone else.
I was told as I’d basically won and hed lost, he was livid with me.
I might add, I’d suppressed my feelings whilst the legal situation was going on,as not to antagonise the situation any more,… and when it was finally over…I told him exactly how I felt,listed numerous lies he’d ever told me, some so terrible I can’t repeat them 😡.
He never replied,as he couldn’t deny any of it.
I’ve read that sociopaths hate being found out,and now I’m paranoid that something might happen to me,now he’s dead…via retribution.
I was his 3rd wife,but was told I’d hurt him more than any other person by leaving…I left because I couldn’t take his abuse any longer,but obviously he didn’t see that.
Maybe I’m just being paranoid,and I’d been perfectly fine until his daughter told me of his death.
I don’t feel emotional in the sense of his passing,more a numbness.
Anyone else had this experience….and is it normal for the victim to feel these thoughts after the death of their abuser 😐
where is my post?
Which post? It should be there.
Hello, this is my first time here. You got a good site going here!
I’d like to make you aware of a link from the Guardian UK newspaper, the chilling story of a guy who cut his wife’s parachute harness in an attempt to murder her. He’s definitely the kind described on this site, so check it out.
Unfortunately, the wife even now is not psychologically free of him, making excuses for him and so on. All-too-typical victim loyalty.
Thank you John. I will have a look. I am in the UK too. I know of the story. Yet he seemed such a normal nice man….
How can we avoid unwittingly becoming involved with a sociopathic personality type? If we are able to understand and identify what makes a person a sociopath, yet the person hides it so well and seemed so normal and nice, how do we stop attracting them? Some are relentless in their desire to harness a genuinely nice, loving person. They could simply be a nice person truly in love with you. How would you know? Sooner or later, the sociopath will begin to demonstrate their true nature and by then, we could be trapped in the relationship. In my experience, it’s really difficult to break up with a sociopath because they are the kind of person who will fly into a rage the minute we exercise our innate control over our own life, and announce that the relationship can go no further. They can make it almost impossible for us to leave them through manipulation, intimidation, bullying, abuse, holding us captive, and sadly through threatening to become – or becoming violent. One of the most frustrating things is that sociopaths are attracted to those they can manipulate and it’s such a subtle thing, this manipulation, that we hardly notice it for what it is – it masquerades as though we are simply coming to a compromise. So, we heal our wounds, rebuild our self-confidence, and glue the pieces of our lives back together, feel content, strong and independent as we once did before. We study and learn not only how to identify sociopaths but also how to identify qualities in our own selves that attract sociopaths, so that we can make some adjustments and attain the necessary skills that can protect us emotionally and physically from them. Then one day, another sociopath enters our lives to try to lay claim to us and control us. We think we have all of the skills required to protect ourselves from this kind of personality type, but in reality, none of those tools work with a real sociopath. By the time we are confronted with their true colors, escape seems to be the only word that applies in the situation. I left the last relationship 10 years ago and have not dated since. I’m not sure if I can ever date again, despite my longing for companionship. I’d much rather be alone than in a relationship that sucks the soul out of me and diminishes me. Ideally, in stead of fault-finding, finger-pointing, and tearing each other apart, the world would be a better place if we could all help and encourage one another to be the best possible human being we can be. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you all.
Hi Nancy, this is an excellent comment. I share your thoughts. You ask, ‘how can you stop attracting one?’
I absolutely agree with what you say, that to leave one, can be very very difficult, as you asserting control over your own life, will see them fly into a rage. So, the question is, how to avoid getting into the situation in the first place?
I think the most important thing is to be stable and well within you. When you have worked on your inner child, and any past traumas, you will be at a place of peace and calm within you. You won’t need to be with anyone else for your own happiness. You will be responsible for your own happiness, and also you will be happy being alone. This part is very important.
Sociopaths and psychopaths can spot those that are held together, and can see the flaws within someone. They can see the weaknesses. The important part is to have none psychologically.
By being strong and healed within. I mean truly healed, not bandaged together you won’t be looking for something in someone else. Or, you may look for love, as most people do. But you won’t accept love at any price.
When you care about you, are happy within you, you would notice the energy pull from the sociopath. They can’t keep the mask up. Not for a very long period of time. Soon it will slip, and they will have to test you. to test your loyalty, to test how willing you will be to give them what they want/need.
I recall the first time that i was ‘tested’ it was related to me being online. He made up a story about his ex and her online useage with other men, and claimed insecurity.
The truth is, when you are stable and well, you won’t tolerate these things in other people in a one to one relationship. Once this first red flag occurs, you know it is time to bail.
Also people are not perfect. Sociopaths display the soul mate persona, the perfect person for you. But this does not exist. The real man, will have flaws.
Likely time with the sociopath will be just you and that person. Lots of words, but nothing is verified. Sociopaths keep their lives private and compartmentalised. While appearing to be ‘open’ and ‘sharing’ with you, likely you won’t meet other people from their past/background. This is another red flag. When you are unable to verify the truth, then keep an open mind.
The truth it is how you value you. About you placing a high value on you, and not tolerating anything other than this.
Relationships, normal relationships go through a process. In the beginning IS the honeymoon period, you are so pleased to meet each other. But you will see doubts from both parties, as you decide whether to take the relationship further. WIth a sociopath you will not witness any doubts on their part. They will be very sure about you. With no doubts, this is because it is fake. I would anticipate that within the first 4-6 weeks, that someone would express doubts, simply because we as humans are not perfect, but the sociopath will appear to be devoid of doubt. They will place you on a pedestal and you will stay on the pedestal. There will be no doubts, because it is FAKE.
Look also, at how they are with people that you know. Are they grooming them? Do you see a different persona depending on who the friend/family member is that you are introducing?
Check for isolation. A relationship, a healthy one should encourage and accept others into your life. A sociopath will want one to one time with you. You can feel this energy and influence on you.
Is the person JUST LIKE YOU? Do they tell you what you want to hear? Do they try to isolate you from others? Do you feel manipulated (to spend money or do things that you might not otherwise do? Thinking that these are your ideas?)
How present are you in YOUR life? Is this new person merging into your life, or becoming your life? Are they in YOUR life, or are you also in theirs. With Sociopaths it is common for them to be in your life, but for you to never be in theirs. This is a HUGE red flag, and one that likely will not change.
Do they say things that just don’t ‘add up’ do you hear things that you doubt the truth of? How does this person respond when you challenge what you think to be lies? Sociopaths are pathological liars, both in terms of words, and behaviour. They can make up a whole new life simply to mirror and obtain you. This is again why connection to people in their world is important. BUT check, how long has this person been in their life? Any childhood friends? As sociopaths can also use others as monkeys to prove their dishonesty, they can go to elaborate lengths to do so.
1. Hold back, and take things slow
2. Make sure you are healed and whole, and able to be responsible for your own inner happiness
3. Don’t make it so easy
4. Verify the background and try not to get too involved until you have.
5. Assert control over your own life, and see how the person responds.
6. Are they TOO perfect? Does this person express NO doubts about you two? It is normal when things are going very well, for someone to pullback, as they feel that they are about to fall in love – and so they take time and assess to protect themselves from getting hurt. Sociopaths do not do this, as they don’t need to. They don’t get hurt.
7. Do they have life goals of their own, that they share with you openly? Sociopaths are very secretive and can make YOU their life goal.
8. Does this person play the victim, if so, are these verified things that they are victim to? Or are they just sociopath words?
9. Does the person ,mirror your experiences? In the beginning this can be normal, as you look for common ground. Much later it is normal to display our differences and individuality (4-6 weeks later)
I hope this helps. Remember that if you are good within you, you will naturally want to walk away from anything that you sense is not good for you.
I thought (and still do) that I was a kind caring person,until I met my now ex…if I go back to the first time I met him,he was really caring ,looked after me etc etc,everything my 1st husband wasn’t…My friends all thought him wonderful,saying I’d struck gold!
It’s such a gradual process you just don’t see it,as firstly they’re buying you gifts,flowers and doing everything for you…you just presume they’re caring..
Fast forward…they propose,you say yes,and still for a while it’s fairly ok,then they start downing your friends,ringing to check on you when you’re out of their sight. Then belittling you in front of people.
Then they go into mega control,convincing you of things that never happened (gaslighting),introducing rules you have to abide by,or face the consequences!
Yes they mimic normal people’s emotions,I found this totally bizarre that my ex could cry at something that he knew he should do,but they were crocodile tears.
My long legal battle finally ended,just as the judge ruled the divorce,he committed suicide a year later to the day….did I shed tears…NO…and even now,all I think is,,he did that to get the last word so to speak.
I think Sociopaths are just genuinely unhappy people…they’ve lived a life of lies.
I hope you’re happy now Nancy…god bless you 😘I wish you all the best xxx
Hi is this site currently active?
Id like to interact with fellow survivors X
Hi it is. To see most recent comments where they are. Look at the comments section. Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas to you as well.
I wish you all a Happy 2019, and hopefully anyone on here who has suffered at the hands of a Sociopath ,you are rebuilding your life now.
As some of you may be aware,I left my ex in September 2014.
Maybe if I’d of known what was to happen then,I may of thought twice!
Guess I was ignorant as to how a Sociopath reacts once you leave them, but I fought back through a long legal battle,finally winning it in February 2017…
Yes I’ve lost a lot,but they were only materialistic things.
My ex then committed suicide exactly a year to the day of court hearing…I felt nothing in hearing that!
Everything was left to his daughter,the only child he remained in contact with,after he chose to eliminate his other children from his life by telling despicable lies about them,which I’ve since learnt were totally disgusting!
His daughter and I were very close,but after her inheritance she’s chosen to ignore me and apparently her 2 brothers who received nothing from his will.
Anyway I’m getting on with my life,I’m now in a non controlling relationship,and happy.
So basically what I’m trying to say is, you can find happiness again.
I wish you all well. 🥰😘X
I am so sorry this is so late. Wishing you a very happy new year.
Thank you so much for this site. I’m male, and most (all?) of the material on this site assumes the innocent person is female and the sociopath is male, so maybe statistically that’s the more common case, and I have to rearrange it a bit in my head, reverse the genders, but this site has been helpful and I’m very grateful. I certainly relate emotionally the different sections and to most of the comments. It’s helped me not quite lose hope.
I just need to know I’m not alone. Because that’s the way I frequently feel. I damaged the most important relationship in my life, and am trying to repair it, which I know will take time
I feel like my life is gray and colorless now, and that I will never feel that kind of excitement, that kind of joy again… Even though I know now it was all fake. Knowing it’s all like an addiction doesn’t really help, but hearing other voices from people who have been harmed by these people is important, and I’m so grateful to you for this site.
Hi Bobby, the only posts that refer to ‘he’ are the ones from early 2013. Which is when I started the site. After that all posts were gender neutral and some were about female sociopaths. In the comments also there are male victims too.
That ‘excitement’ was her mirroring you. She was just being a reflection of you, and being who she thought you wanted to see.
Being with someone else, she would be a mirror image of who they are, and what they want to see. They are like chameleons and change depending on who they are facing.
You are not alone. And you haven’t damaged the most important relationship in your life, if she was abusive. As abuse isn’t love.
Have you ever thought of therapy? It can help to speed up the healing and recovery time. Or you can spend some considerable time, continuing to look at life through her world view lense. Not yours. Believe me, you haven’t lost anything, You have gained. You have gained your freedom, as they do not change and the outcome would always be the same.
I apologize for making it sound as if your site was in one way or another gender-centered, the dominant feeling I felt was one of gratitude. Too, I think I was conflating some of the comments with the text of the site.
And yes, therapy is always an option. I was in therapy throughout this joyful-then-nightmarish experience.
And I’m afraid the relationship I was referring to was with my long-term partner, not the sociopath I was seeing. The situation is complex; she had a fling also (we each knew about the other’s activities). Hers went awry as well, just not as severely.
Thank you very much for your kind words. And of course your wonderful website. I’ll chip in if I feel I have anything useful to add.
Most gratefully yours, Bobby
You don’t need to apologize to me. Therapy might be useful to help with building self esteem. You say you get creative as an outlet. That can be good. Don’t ever feel you need to apologize for being you 🙂
I live in New York. Everyone I know has at least a couple therapist/psychologist friends. You can’t hardly throw a dinner party without therapists showing up. You practically trip over them walking on the street. But the actual fact is, for all its vaunted benefits, therapy let me down profoundly during this experience.
I engaged fully — why pay money like that if you’re not going to do the deal? It was an excellent, trained, highly ethical therapist, so it wasn’t that. It was that, throughout the entire experience, therapy did what it was supposed to do: it helped me understand motivations, it gave me insight into my particular psychology, it made me more at peace with my life and my choices.
But this was precisely what I did not need. I in fact needed to be made less at peace with my life, with my choices. I needed to be awakened. Attention toward my psychology should have been shelved in favor of remedial training in common sense. I needed to consider all the possible consequences of my choices and feelings, about which I was completely and utterly honest. This apparently fell outside the purview of good therapy.
I very nearly threw my life away following that sexy, riveting sociopath, that monster, and therapy was oblivious. In fact, I was, if anything, encouraged. Therapists generally love shepherding the opening up of new sides of one’s personality. But in this case I not only imperiled and permanently altered, possibly for the worse, the one relationship in my life that was giving me genuine love, I very nearly followed the monster over a cliff. In my “joy” and “thrill of discovery” at all my personality’s marvelous new sides. Trust will come with difficulty now. Do I even have enough time left in my life to learn to trust again? The price of this is very high.
I didn’t need good, kind, non-directive counseling. I desperately needed directives. Loud, opinionated ones.
And yes, of course, I realize you cannot tell someone wildly in love to stop or change — but what matter is this? This doesn’t abrogate responsibility, particularly for a process which is ostensibly looking out for the patient’s best interests.
This exposed for me what I now feel is a critical flaw in therapeutic practice. One which I’ve discussed repeatedly with my therapist friends. You have to listen to your patient. Your only understanding of his/her world, other than your own experience and understanding of the world you know (which is as often as not set aside in order to conform to “good, ethical practices”) comes from what your patient tells you, well-cultivated and groomed delusions or not. This is a crippling disadvantage. You have no “operatives” who can clue you in on what’s actually happening. It’s a purely subjective world. And, under the guise of “good practices,” you are constrained and cannot give the patient what he/she sometimes, certainly in my case, might desperately need.
I was made more comfortable with my active destruction of my own life, and I paid handsomely for the privilege.
How can I possibly feel safe within the therapeutic process now? What other, new, critical factors in my life will be ignored by the therapeutic process in favor of making me more comfortable with my psychology and helping me explore these marvelous new facets of my personality?
Ironic, but I have no trust left now.
No thank you, alas, I very seriously doubt I’ll be seeking out therapy again.
There are different styles of therapeutic approach. Different therapists. It would depend what the impact has been on you. Therapy can be useful if you have been severely gaslighted and abused. And are unable to reconnect with self and your own sense of reality (as the sociopath brainwashed you with their reality). Many victims are left feeling disorientated. Types of therapy that can be affective is psychotherapy (as that works on your childhood) as sociopaths target your weaknesses. Many inner weaknesses come from childhood (whether we acknowledge or admit to this or not). Another that can be affective is gestalt therapy. As this is a challenging type of therapy it challenges not only what you say, but also body language etc. So If you say one thing. But your body language says another, this would be picked up and challenged. Both of those therapies also work by allowing you to make your own decisions and conclusions. By enabling your psyche to look at yourself in another way. But In a safe environment. We don’t all resonate with therapists in the same way. As a therapist brings one thing to session with them ‘themself’. So I would say perhaps you didn’t gel with the person you saw as it sounds like you would want a more challenging type of therapist. Rather than one who simply practices safe space.
There was a tiny voice telling me not to be so definite when I talked about not to considering therapy again, but apparently I was on a soapbox.
Gestalt therapy actually sounds interesting. Never say never, you dope (strictly to myself, I mean).
Thank you for being a bit tenacious. Your return serve managed to open my mind just the tiniest little bit — which with me is some trick. 🙂
Gratefully yours, Bobby
Hi… Why can’t I make comments on the sociopath sin bin?
I’m 2 weeks into a split with my partner of 19 years. Absolutely devastated, but now realise he is a sociopath. Worked away for most of those years and I knew he had other women, we got over each one and worked at being together at the weekends etc. He retired last year, and unbeknown to me, he has kept this pretence of wanting the home and family which we have built, but all the time, travelling abroad to be with his last conquest abroad. I simply cannot believe what has happened. How could I be so stupid? I caught him out when I tried to contact him unannounced. I gave him the chance to come back, as I loved him so very much, but he chose her and walked away from everything we’ve got here. He is exactly what you describe on here. But never mean, very generous, guilt money I now know. Now I find myself in a sea of nothingness, hardly any friends because all my free time was given to him for the last 19 years. We’ve had financial things to sort out in the last 2 weeks, and when I had to contact him at the weekend he was already ensconced with her…..so very hard to accept after all this time. I truly hope that this does get better. I now have a mountain to climb, moving home, keeping it all together for my family and being financially independent. I want to cry 24/7 but I know that won’t help. I have to work and function. Please tell me it gets better……
Please help… I need to be able to talk to someone face to face to help me get out of my horrendous sociapathic relationship. I have no friends and all ties to my family have been cut. I have no job and am made to feel guilty when I leave my flat.
I’m not strong enough to do this on my own.
Hey I am so sorry, I hadn’t connected with these comments for a long time, and yours was missed. How are you doing today?