It can be difficult either being in the relationship with the sociopath, or leaving them. They are masters of manipulation and control. Sociopaths will burn your life to the ground, if you hang around with them for long enough.

It can take some time to rebuild your life, rebuilding your social networks. Or even trusting someone again. Additionally you might find it difficult to explain to those close to you (if you have anybody left) how you are feeling.

Facebook can be great, but it uses your personal information, and maybe you want to stay anonymous. Please use this page, and the comments, to drop by to say hi. How are you feeling today? How is your day going? On a scale of 1-10 how are things going for you?

Comments come to this site, all over the site, but as a reader you wouldn’t see this. So that you know you are NOT alone, drop by and say hi. Know that you are NOT alone, there are thousands of people every day reading this site. Say hi, and support each other.

375 thoughts on “STOP BY AND SAY HI!!”

  1. Now I know why no contact is so important. We spoke today and he started to speak to me in a dismissive tone, so I told him not to. I hung up not long after and he bombarded me with 14 long texts about how I’m not a nice person, then ends it with even when I’m not being nice he thinks I’m lovely.

    I’m totally dumbfounded.

    1. This is my SP when I’m confronting him. (Say no more I wish u the best smfh I guess you were lying to them cuz I can’t prove it but I guess you want one too I must say the same things you’re saying to me I love you and I’m not letting you go so there)

    2. I can’t figure out how to write my own comment. But My socio is suppose to be leaving…hasn’t paid a bill…ever, through promise after promise. I guess that was his supply, how he dubbed me…live for free. He had been gone 1 whole day…but his bag is here. Haven’t heard from him and now he is ringing my phone over and over…I haven’t answered. He has the key to my house and left me with no key. I feel angry, with myself too and surprisingly sad. Not sure how the next few days with pan out.

      1. Ugh they do this, make promise after promise, stringing you along. So they can live off you (sometimes bankrupting you) for free. They do this deliberately, and enjoy doing so too. I am sorry that you are feeling sad. I can say that this behaviour will NOT get better. So…. he took off doing his own thing?

      2. Yes, doing his own thing. We got in an argument (I finally voiced my opinion)about bills and that he would have to leave if he does not contribute etc. He continued to promise the money for the over due electric bill. I gave him a time days, to pay or get out. He would lie about everything and string me along…like you said. After he left that day, he would call and insist that he was getting paid for a (make believe) job and he would have the money. I said “There is no job, there is no money and you need to go” with that and some prayer, I haven’t seen him!! He did come by to get his bag today, which is all he really owns. He came while I was at work which I am not happy about, but he left the key that he stole months ago… off my key chain I just found a few days ago with no key. I am now just angry…and feel bad for the next girl he victimizes! I wish I could send out an all points bulletin or something! Loser! lol

  2. I wrote him a letter the other night, 6 pages of brutal honesty. I got a reply saying he was broken and that he doesn’t know what he’s got till its gone, that he felt sick and couldn’t finish reading the letter and that he buries his head in the sand and doesn’t know if he’s made the right decision. I then saw him at work and couldn’t help but message to say despite all this I hope he’s ok. He replied saying he was going home this weekend and he hopes I’m ok. I told him to take time and clear his head and digest the letter. Why did I give in and text??? He messaged me again saying he’s glad I did but I deleted his number and the message and didn’t reply. I’m away this weekend and where I’m staying has no signal. Can’t wait to be disconnected from the world. I wish I’d never spoken to him and shock, he still can’t bring my stuff to me. Why do they have this ability to play with our minds so much? I’m so thankful for this website x

  3. I uncovered the truth about my ex through finally putting the pieces all together. I am an empath, which makes me more vulnerable to manipulation. She was a master at false charm, until the mask of kindness fell off. I’m struggling now.

  4. Welcome Jr. I agree with yiu. The kinder we are, the more sucked in we are. You’re in the right place now x

    1. CM- yep I am new here too,also had a ten year relationship but am a bit further down the path to enlightenment as it ended October 2015. I finally took over the full title to our house last week as he was desperate to get rid of his past life to start the new one with whom I discovered the wedding is planned. He really has moved swiftly with this one. As soon as the transfer of the house was completed I expected him to tell me about his impending nuptials, at least to stick two fingers up to me. But he could not bring himself to say “wedding” instead referring to “plans and arrangements moving along” he is afraid I will in some way scupper his chances. Although another innocent is involved I can’t bring myself to feel very sorry for her yet, and in any case would I have believed someone if they had told me to run a mile when I first started seeing this guy?
      My point is that up till now I have had to deal with him as the house was going through, but finally I no longer have to. I have told him we won’t be friends and won’t see each other again, blocked his number, his email and on all social media. Luckily he has also moved to France which helps enormously.
      The thing this site has helped with is a) diagnosing the type of person I was dealing with b) reinforcing what I need to be telling myself “It’s not me it’s definately HIM!” C) every time I slip into trying to understand his behaviour from the perspective of a normal person and apply the same though processes and motivations the articles here help cut through that fruitless pondering.
      So use this site, and cut yourself off completely and irrevocably from this person, they have no right to know what is happening in your fabulous life!

  5. Hello I’m new to this site, my relationship of 10 years ended 2 weeks ago but I haven’t had any closure. I didn’t realise I’d been dating a sociopath until the relationship ended and actually reading about sociopaths, I could be reading about my ex exactly, it’s him to a tee. I’m now having to come to terms with this although I am heartbroken, he has treated me so so badly that I do know I couldn’t possibly deserve such treatment. I haven’t even had an end of relationship conversation after 10 years. I found him out in yet more lies and now he’s just gone. Anyone else had anything similar? I don’t believe I’ll ever hear from him again and it hurts to think he won’t be missing me like I’ve missed him and all the good times we had abc there were many although I do know it was all false. I always had an idea he wasn’t genuine but I thought it was just my lack of confidence and I didn’t know what a sociopath was. I need hope for the future, thanks everyone

    1. Hi CM the same thing happened to me. From about xmas time I started to try and gain some power back in the situation and then he started to back off. 4 weeks ago I confronted him diplomatically (to try and avoid another tantrum) about his behaviour and haven’t heard from him since – no closure – nothing. Its agony because you have so many unanswered questions in your mind and your heart is hurting like hell. This last week has been bad and I almost contacted him but thankfully didn’t. My own silence in the situation is also my power because he would have expected me to dig him out like all the previous times. I know if I contacted him I would be giving him the power back and it would make me feel hollow and low. Part of me still wants to talk to him to try and get answers but I know it will either be met with silence or abuse. I wont do that. I can see your post was 4 weeks ago so I hope you have started to heal 🙂

    2. This is exactly the point I am at now CM. Pain is so incredibly acute. After 19 year, he has treated me and my family, who all thought we were the perfect couple, so very cruelly. So many lies and deep deception. I see you are a year and a bit on now. How are things? Please tell me the pain gets better. x

  6. I’m really happy to have found this website. I’ve recently ended a relationship with a sociopath. I still battle myself with the thought of “maybe he is just misunderstood” “maybe all of these crazy stories are true and he has no one else to believe him”. I come to this website to reassure myself that he is a sociopath so I can continue with no contact.
    Only problem is we have a little girl. She is 5 months old now, I left when she was 2 months, and saw him twice since leaving (he is 4 hours away from us). I left because I continued to have bad feelings about him going back to his ex wife, him loosing interest, going back to drinking and going out, I just didn’t want my little girl growing up with a sociopath father, or to grow up how his other children had grown up. Shortly after I left, he moved back in with his ex wife to “be close to the kids”, shortly after that his ex wife posts that she is pregnant and they are having another child. He continued to tell me that it is not his, but continues living there and making trips to a local college town (I’m assuming to meet someone new)… Does anyone else have a child with a sociopath? How did you deal with no contact? I highly doubt he will come after us or take us to court for any custody or visitation. But it is a battle for me…..

    1. Hi ArtsyMama, I know I’m just a stranger from the interwebshere, but I want to write that I think it is good that you are keeping your child away from a toxic person and also, that if he is anything like other sociopath dads I know of, I strongly suggest you go and get full custody on legal documents just to add a little more control. He may very well fight you later.
      If he is like others I know, he will blindside you.
      I don’t mean to frighten you but I’ve seen it happen. In fact, it is happening right now to someone close to me and he didn’t want anything to do with his child for years (she’s 6 now) and suddenly started dragging her through court. She has had to go twice already in a year and he’s trying again currently.
      He has tried to turn everyone against her too. managed to with a few, including the mother of another child he has…both of these women were friends and the kids were close, now they hate each other….mainly because of him.

      I wish you and your daughter well. Be strong! 💗

      1. Thank you so much for replying. Also thank you for the advice. I’m proud of myself for staying strong and continuing the no contact. Every once in awhile I wonder if he misses us, if maybe he just made a lot of mistakes, if what he says is really the truth and not just a bunch of lies. But I’ve got to the point where my intuition, anger, and love for my daughter have taken over and I know better. Ive gone over every “amazing” memory as they have come up and after thinking about every detail, everything was for his benifit and for himself. Everything. Even trips to the grocery store. Thank you again for your advice and response.

  7. So grateful to have found this site. I’ve just left a guy who I know know is a sociopath. Have maintained no contact for almost 2wks now & it’s been the best thing I could’ve done. Having had time to distance myself from him & really reflect on my time with him & realising the true extent in which he was psychologically abusing me has been overwhelming.

    In recent months, I felt as if I was going completely insane, constantly trying to work out why he could be so horrible & downright nasty to me – trying to belittle me, mock me, name-calling, abusive unprovoked messages, a complete disregard for how he was hurting my feelings, treating me like a piece of shit on his shoe, but NEVER showing any remorse, apologising, admittance that he was wrong etc, always instead choosing to deflect and try to justify his horrible behaviour by some how affiliating the blame with me. It was soul destroying and a complete headf*ck.

    I sent him a ‘final’ goodbye message about 2 wks ago after a barrage of abusive messages and finally saying ‘enough is enough’ & ofcourse this provoked even more abusive messages in response. Vile and hate-filled messages putting me down & trying to get at me for everything under the sun. I’ve ignored them & plan on ignoring him if he attempts to contact me again.

    Phew! In a strange sort of way, I feel relieved now. The anxiety I had constantly trying to work him out and hoping he’d suddenly ‘change’ back to the person I thought he was has now gone as I now realise what he ‘is’ & that he can’t change. SO much from the past now makes sense, even more subtle things that indicated he didn’t truly love or care about me.

    Once his mask started slipping, that was it, he was constantly on the warpath trying to belittle me for absolutely everything.

    Glad I ‘escaped’.

    Onwards and upwards now!

  8. I am feeling broken and lonely today. On a scale from 1-10? 2.5….barely.

    I keep breaking no contact. No replies from him, of course.
    I feel stupid and worthless.
    He is already seeking others (I see on his Facebook) while he keeps my beloved dog’s ashes and making me fight for my home.
    My appointment with local support is on Monday, and we are faxing documents to a lawyer for my application to legal aid. (Canada) and they don’t have funding for property cases so I have to beg them too. Has to be a very special circumstance for them to help me, could take 3+ weeks to find out if I even am accepted.

    I’ve been working with the women’s support since a week after he discarded me (6 weeks ago tomorrow) Thankfully I went there straight away because if I had have waited, this would be so much worse.


    1. …I’ve been telling them (my support) everything and sending them screenshots of his ruining campaign (contacting my family telling them I hate them, not to trust me, that I’ve “gone mad” that I’m keeping HIS things from him. That I won’t talk to him!…)
      I’ve been sharing everything with my support all this time.

      1. Not jointly no, I purchased the house with my money that I sent to him through a bank transfer because of my extreme social anxiety he went and did all the signing of documents. I should not have trusted him….alas….

        Thankfully I have a lot of proof that it is my home … I’ll know more tomorrow how it is going with that.
        I did manage to get my dog’s ashes back (much heartbreaking work for that !) so I’ve been much calmer lately and with support, I’m feeling confident in getting the house in my name.
        I’ve given him until End of July to arrange to get his belongings that are still here, I told him this past week that since he refuses to respectfully deal with me himself, he will have to take me to court to get anything back. This is after much begging & pleading for us to end this peacefully and respectful…and him replying over and over with rage and abuse, blaming and gas lighting…he has been threatening court since the first week…not wanting to be peaceful with me for 2 months and when I finally wrote that he has to take me to court now, he actually called me a spiteful B***H!
        It is maddening….I cannot comprehend his thinking or behaviours at all.

  9. Hi Freyja
    I’m like you – kept breaking nc. Now I think he’s blocked me which is humiliating but probably for the best.
    Get the support you need and ger a therapist if you need. Its a very hard road alone

    1. Thanks Joelene ❤
      I am still having problems keeping no contact.
      Same time, I am building a support circle around me. Starting to get out a little more. He took the only car too so I've been working to buy another and asked a neighbor who is mechanical if he would test drive for me because I don't know what to watch for…he said he would. So nice. I live on rented land and I waved down the landlady one day and told her what was happening and she has been so supportive, telling me she has a soft spot for women like me and how she understands and she's the one who introduced me to the mechanic neighbor. She also making sure my lawn gets mowed and going to help me haul off debris (Sociopath and I were renovating this together and there's a lot of debris).

      Also, I did get accepted for legal aid ! That is very relieving for me & I am much calmer these days now that I got my dog's ashes back and seeing 2 women's violence counsellors (they've both been helping me together) every week. I've never reached out before in my life and I'm glad now that I have.

      Still…I haven't been able to stop thinking about him, crying, having vivid dreams and breaking no contact. The dreams are really messing with me…I had another last night.

      Hoping you are feeling well today, it's so nice that we have this site to come to.

  10. Hi,
    My girlfriend was contacted by her x-boyfriend who is an introverted narcissist. He’s gotten into her head over the past three weeks and she’s thinking about breaking up with me. He then started hurting himself, cutting, I believe to take total control of the situation. Can you give me links to any articles or references that show just what an introverted narcissist will do to gain control and win back their victims? Have you ever heard of this kind of behavior? I’m meeting with her tomorrow to discuss this…
    Thank you so much for your time and input.

  11. Hi. Extremely glad to have found this site as I recognise now that sharing this is helpful for my healing and it is my hope that this story will be of help to others too….
    It is nearly 4 weeks since I parted company with “p.v” (psycho vampire). I only use this abbreviation at present as it hurts to type his name. I met him approx 16 months ago (shortly after coming out of a disastrous relationship so I was vulnerable) and we hit it off straight away. I felt an immediate connection on many levels. We had so much in common and he felt it too. Everything that I liked, he liked – music, food etc. We seemed to compliment each other perfectly. He said I was the female version of him – like twin souls. The previous relationship before p.v was not sociopathic/narcissistic but it had left me in a state of “need” on an emotional and physical level. P.v didn’t know this but somehow must have picked up on it. Before we met in the flesh he was texting me several times a day. After we met and things had “taken off” he began to text me at least every half hour – day in & day out. If I didn’t text back within his given time frame he became anxious – “where are you?”, “are you ok?”.
    At first the intensity seemed ultra-romantic and was very intoxicating especially after the previous emotionally lacking relationship. I really thought this kind of deep (apparent) connection was what I had been waiting for all my life. Despite this, the “nagging little voice” was there from the beginning. On our first date I found out he had no real friends. Said to me that “friends always let you down” so he didn’t bother with them. Only one week after we met the tantrums started. The first tantrum was over me going to a gig with a male friend which had been planned for months before. I asked him to join us several times but he kept giving an excuse. Despite this gesture he proceeded to have a text tantrum on the night of the gig because he assumed that we were really “more than friends”. I ended up having to call him at 1AM in the morning when I got home to placate him. He was very apologetic at this stage over the tantrums blaming it on “his stress” (his stress being that his mother is in a care home with Alzheimers).
    I guess as the relationship was so young and we were “soul mates and deeply in love” I glossed over so many warning signs. What I thought was a one off tantrum became a regular occurence. Every 4 -6 weeks like clockwork there would be one. If a male friend text me there was a tantrum (for the rest of the relationship I had my phone on silent whilst p.v was with me through fear of a male friend texting me). If I wasn’t cuddling him enough in bed there was a tantrum. If I didn’t sound pleased enough to be talking to him when he called me there was a tantrum. These episodes invariably involved him storming out of the flat to go home (thankfully we lived apart) then coming wandering back about an hour later blaming the outburst on his “evil ex’s” and how he had been mistreated in the past. As time went on the tantrums became more acidic. About 6 months into the relationship he ceased apologising for the episodes and instead the “red mist” used to come down. This meant that instead of the apologies I started to get abuse on email and text accusing me of being “hollow”, “shallow”, “heartless”. He used to say stuff like “I cant stand you” and “I hate you” yet previous to that I was the love of his life and he “had never met anyone like me”. Now I am not of a fiery nature in these situations and I would do my best to display logic and reasoning to him in a diplomatic fashion. But whilst the red mist was present I may as well have being speaking in another language. His responses bore no relation to anything I had previously said to him. It was like another personality overtook him completely (I am therefore wondering if there is something more than narc/sociopath going on here – it was more akin to “possession”). After the red mist lifted (usually around 2 – 3 days) and I was able to talk to him sensibly he just seemed to brush it off as “one of those things”. Seemed utterly incapable of demonstrating any remorse or empathy. All that mattered was his emotional pain.
    In conjunction with the tantrums and the “red mists” something else quite odd started to happen. For the first few months of the relationship he was very happy to visit my friends and family and do the social stuff. Everyone liked him and thought he was perfect for me. He was good at turning on the charm when required. However after a while he began to sabotage any social arrangements that were made. He either “wasn’t feeling sociable” or was suddenly beset with inexplicable illnesses that manifested from nowhere. Whether it was a visit to see friends or a lunch planned with my family he suddenly became desperately ill and couldn’t possibly make it so I used to go on my own. In the time I knew him I had bought 3 lots of gig tickets – all for bands that he particularly wanted to see but on each occasion he was ill or too skint or too stressed (one of them was on my birthday and once again I ended up going on my own). I think in retrospect that this was another control mechanism or a need to disrupt so he had energy focused back on him.
    Over time I realised that his work life was also a shambles. Never kept down a job for too long. In the time I knew him he was a caretaker at two schools but seemed to run into issues with authority and couldn’t handle being told what to do. In the beginning I thought he was just unlucky and had some bad bosses but now I see it differently. This was also echoed in our relationship as any attempt on my part to diplomatically address issues with his behaviour was interpreted as me “having a go at him” and would result in another tantrum/sulk. After only a short time in this relationship I had a constant feeling of treading on eggshells. His energy was edgy and unsettled even when there was no obvious reason for it being so. As time wore on and I saw the side of him that was his true self I could see an underlying hatred of humanity (which he admitted) and a deeply troubled soul. In the rare occasions when he expressed his inner state he told me he hated himself yet as soon as he was out of the “red mist” he used to say that he “rocked” and thought he was “awesome”. He used to draw much of the time he was at mine and looking back at his pictures now I see that about 90% of them are drawings of himself.
    The whole thing came to a head on Christmas Day just gone. We drove to see his Mum in her care home Xmas morning then we were due at my Mums house Xmas evening and then at my dads Boxing day (both sets of parents were looking forward to seeing us and had bought extra food in etc and had bought him presents). As I drove to my mums Xmas afternoon the demonic black mood started from nowhere and with the reason that he “didn’t feel sociable” and was stressed. I ended up driving him back to my flat so he didn’t have to “be sociable”. I left him there and drove back to my Mums where the abusive texts and emails started once more accusing me of being utter lowlife and abandoning him in his hour of need because according to p.v it was the last Xmas his Mother would ever be around and he was so upset . This by the way, is the same mother that he wished dead on several occassions because the money that was “rightfully his” ie his inheritance, was instead having to pay for her care home. After this last drama my family disowned him and said he wasn’t welcome at theirs anymore. Fast forward to two weeks later and early January this year. I had decided to give it one last shot despite the odds being stacked against me somewhat. Went to see p.v mid January and told him (diplomatically) what had happened with my parents and the general upset he had caused everyone only to be met with “I dont give a f*ck what they think of me”. Enough said. Anyway the relationship limped on. I told him that we would now only see each other every other weekend in the hope that this would improve the relationship and the tantrums were less likely to manifest because our time was more precious. Also told him that he seriosuly needed to seek stress therapy or he would implode. He agreed at the time and said he would seek help but never did – just said it was only beacuse of his Mum that he was stressed and had tantrums – yeah right! From this point on ie when I began to draw a line he seemed to change. Oddly enough there were no tantrums as such from this point but instead he started to devalue the time we were meant to have together. Although we now only had every other weekend together he started to allow other things to encroach on it. 6 months prior to this he was obsessive about seeing me but now I was last on his list. He became oblivious to the need to have quality time together and I could feel us drifting apart. He would allow anything and everything to sabotage our weekends yet showed no understanding (or care) for the pain it was causing. I believe this was because I drew a line in the sand after the Xmas episode and started to reclaim power in the relationship so this for him was a perceived restriction or threat to his vampiric energy supply so he began to back off. In 3 months we had only two full weekends together – all the others were sabotaged altogether or cut short. I had continually tried to adress it but once again it was met with I “was having ago at him” and he would sulk.
    The story ended 4 weeks ago. He was meant to be at mine but once again he sabotaged it and didn’t turn up. He texted me with an excuse and I responded (in a calm manner) that we needed to talk as I was frightened that we were drfting apart. He never responded. END OF. I didn’t try and placate him this time or dig him out. Two weeks ago I sent his stuff back in a box with no note – no words for him to feed off (I knew the silence would piss him off). So here I am. I am just coming to terms with what he really is. I realise now that his mother had a similar disorder and made his dads life hell. Maybe it was in the genes or perhaps they are just “born”. Four weeks ago I was keen that I didn’t want to cast a “label” on him and wanted to be objective as far as I could be – which was damn hard given the total lack of closure. However after everything I have read on this site (and others) the truth is undeniably staring me in the face. Its hard to take yet somehow sets me free at the same time. I am still up and down and bounce from sadness (I still miss him at times – or perhaps I miss the persona he projected to me?) to outright anger.
    Wishing you all much Light on your healing journey x

  12. We can’t comprehend them b/c they are bat shit crazy. They are truly wired differently than normal people and it took many readings of this column before it really sank in.

  13. One of the most dificult feelings to me are, that I totally betrayed my self, by allowing him to treat me so, so bad. Now I’m trying really hard to rebuild my self. But is going to be a long proccess.

    1. I understand that you feel that way Blue, BUT it wasn’t that you allowed it. He was an illusionist, a manipulator and a game player. You didn’t allow it, you were tricked. Please remember this. What happened, is NOT your fault.

  14. My ex messaged me not that long ago asking for me back and said we had made a mistake. I said we could talk in a few weeks after what had mainly caused our break up had passed, he agreed and said that was a good idea. After he agreed I didn’t reply as I didn’t want a convo there and then, we would of gone round in circles due to the event which had caused so many issues still coming up.
    I found out a few days later he had asked another woman on a date…
    So this was our conversation after telling him I was aware of this:
    Me:Hey, you messaged me saying you wanted to talk. What you up too….
    Oh wait! Actually I know what you’re up too. Hope you’re enjoying your date! Good Luck and I wish you all the best for the future ☺ x
    Him: When I messaged you you said you didn’t want to talk! And by the way you worded your message sounded like you would be unable to get over the fact that I am going out for a “rave” or to a friends wedding so I did meet someone today for coffee. Not sure how you know this but not going to lie to you either! I wish you all the best too Zoe! Wish things could have been different X
    Me: No what I said was that we should wait until both had passed to give us the best chance at working things out which at the time you agreed with. But hey if I’m not worth waiting for 3 weeks to have a chat then it’s better to know now. Thanks x
    The fact that you didn’t want to even talk then and the fact that you didn’t reply when i text agreeing that we could wait until after showed to me that you don’t really care! I explained how shit I was feeling and how much i was missing you and you didn’t seem that bothered. Also the fact you brought up me going to a rave annoyed me as what has that got to do with anything! I would have waited a life time for you if I thought you was half as upset I was but you didn’t try! X

    After that I didn’t reply to him as it was gonna go on forever but that last one hurt! He joined a dating site only 1 week after we split up and chatted to other girls. He put on his profile he’d never been on a site like it before… I found him on the same one 1 yr into our relationship. He told a woman he was talking too that he’d been single 3 months, it had only been 1. He took coke and ecstacy for 10 yrs and I really think it’s had a big impact on his mind!

    1. Oh my gosh!!!!! This was what happened with my ex. He had moved to another state because of family complications. He had just become so distant, and it drove me crazy. I bought him a plane ticket, but things were getting worse. We decided that we’d be on a break. I found out he had been using tinder, and he explained that “A break is defined as we’re single but we may work things out” and I was so torn up over that comment. He was supposed to see me in 3 weeks, and he couldn’t promise me that he’d stop talking to other girls. I was so disgusted.

  15. I don’t appreciate that this site is attacking men primarily. The text on every page uses, “him,” “he,” and “his.”

    I am a man and I just got devastated by a female sociopath.

    1. Ive see comments like yours a lot here, Justin and I don’t think anyone here means to single out men. Just so happens that most of the victims posting are people dealing with male sociopaths. Positiva, the site owner/writer (and no I’m not speaking for her at all, I’m new here too) , but I’ve seen her reply to say that her newer postings are trying to be gender neutral but it’s not easy to write that way all the time (for anyone) and she is sharing her personal views and stories as someone affected by a male.
      I know that all victims/survivors of relationships with these soul-sucking-sociopaths, male and female, are welcome to post their stories here. Including you.

      With that said, I am sorry you’ve been devastated and hope you continue reading and sharing here…this site is full of accepting and friendly people who all understand what we have been through. Coming here has helped me so much!
      Wishing you well ❤

      1. Thank you Freyja – 2013 postings are what brings people to the site. Those are always written about he – as he was still around and stalking me 🙂

  16. Over Easter he made the grand gesture to come and tell me he wanted it to work while I was away with my family. I was weak and flattered and gave in. His efforts lasted a week and then it went back to how it was, me fighting for his attention and him turning around and manipulating me. Why was I so stupid? He’s not capable of emotions and I knew this. He told me he loved me time after time and I hate I believed him

  17. I just discovered this site and it’s all sinking in. I am not sure where to start. Where can I post my story ? I am in denial I believe and I definitely breaking the no contact. Today I cried on a scale up to 10 I am probably at 0 😦

  18. Having read some of these deeply saddening messages I understand that I have been in a relationship with a sociopath. For seven years my family friends and work circle have been fooled with what appeared to be a loving caring gentle man. No money was taken or anything like this and nothing appeared to be unkind. It doesnt make sense. However I found out this weekend that he was married and had been for forty years and has two other women besides his wife in his life. All this has been going on whilst I thought he was in the army and thats why he had to leave and come back. His lies all seemed plausible. My work is in mental health. I am deeply shocked and ashamed I had not seen anything.

    He told me he had PTSD and disappeared for a while. He also went to see a therapist with me to help him with his supposed PTSD. Incredible. I am in a state of shock and feel like I have been in a terrible car crash. Why would he do such a thing. and what could he possibly have gained?

    How does one ever get over something like this?

    1. After reading your post, he’s definitely a sociopath. Many (well the smart ones) are masters at obfuscation. Perhaps he though it was an irresistible challenge to pit his wits and against and dominate a professional.
      As for his stories, you should know that true sociopaths can’t get PTSD, although it’s a common cover story in the event their behavior exposes them.
      As for getting over such an experience? I’ve no awnsers for that. I’m sorry.

  19. Nargis
    Whilst I wasn’t with my bf for 7 years: I was with him for nearly 5. Like you I wasn’t tricked out of money or anything, but he told me he loved me several times a day every day. We saw each other for coffee or just to see each other every single day for 4 years. We whispered vows in a church, we promised to always be together, we were working on it. Then I find out he lied about his name!!! I was calling him by a fake name every day for 4.5 years!!!! Then I found out his wife was still involved, he was online dating, he was real life dating, he eventually left, no explanation and now has me blocked from all contact.
    It tore my heart out
    But like your man, mine Waa a Sociopathic Narcissist. There are no reasons that will ever make sense to us. It’s taken me 7 mths but I am pleased to say I can see a light at the end of all this. You will too xxxx

  20. Ask a Sociopath?
    I doubt many people have the opportunity to ask one in any honest context.
    Perhaps you’re curious, or looking for some catharsis denied you by another. Ask whatever you want, trust me it won’t hurt my feelings.

  21. Feeling a bit weak today. No contact since he blocked me and hung up on me ( 2 mths ago). Makes me sad that I pushed him to that action but 4.5 years of seeing him every day and promises of marriage etc and saying I love you many times a day. Ending up by text and a quick 5 mins in a car was too hard for me – even knowing he was online dating and had met someone and had lied about his name (and many things) over the years together. Most days I’m relieved but today I feel weak and sad

  22. Hi Jolene, people are still here reading  I haven’t posted for a while – doing a lot of deep inner work and healing the distant past. I understand how you feel with the way it ended. So many words left unsaid, no closure, the anger, frustration, rejection. Its crap. The psychopath (“maladaptive narcissist” accordingly to my counsellor) I was with did the same. My gut instinct says its because to communicate like a normal human with me and give some kind of closure means too much inner self-reflection on his part. It means he has to face the hollow, empty being he is inside and accept that his own actions are creating his pain . Its just too much for him and I have come to understand this now. You have to find your own closure – do what you need to draw a line under it. Its not easy but you can find it. Much love to you x

    1. I think you received inaccurate advice. A person born like this has no concept of guilt or pain. To us it’s a completely ailen concept. To a sociopath or one on that scale is nothing more than weighing cost vs benifit. To one like this concepts like closure and catharsis are meaningless. They cut ties and leave without another thought for the sake of utility, nothing less and nothing more. This is point of view is viewed as monstrous to non sociopaths and psychopaths alike. Just keep in mind these people are born like this, it’s no diffrent than any other inherited condition like downs syndrome or autism.
      Although a sociopath wouldn’t care for empathy regardless, in face we wouldn’t even recognize it unless we knew what to look for.
      I hope that helps.

  23. Thank you for your comments. I have seen that each person is different and can display traits from other conditions according to the individual. This one checked on nearly every criteria on the Hare psychopath list yet could also display some sociopathic & BPD traits. In essence labels are only labels. The crux of it is their behavior and the way it impacts others and themselves – hence us sharing on this site 🙂

  24. Hey Joelene…..sorry I haven’t been reading blog but I will get caught up with reading posts soon…..
    I hope you well, last I had read you were making progress with NC, I’ve just made it 1-year on June 26 and halalula….I can’t believe it…….What a difference a year makes……I will get caught up and post again, but I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have made it without this site….so a special thanks and a big hug n kiss to Positiva and all of you 😘😘

  25. Thankyou jeansxx
    Yes I’m going well. Been nc since April and had a small setback late may when I called him on a private number as I’m blocked..and he hung up on me when I said it’s me!!
    I Waa so hurt. Anyway I haven’t tried again and I won’t. I’m accepting things!! It’s hard. But I love that whole days go by now and I haven’t thought of him – whoda thunk it 🙂
    It’s my birthday soon and it saddens and upsets me that fir the first time in 5 years I won’t hear from him. But I remind myself that last bday he bought me nice presents but treated me like shit! It was awful. Now I kniw he was dating the new me by that stage.
    So I’ll focus on me and my famiky and my wonderful life, and kniw thst every gift I ger this year is genuine!!

  26. I’ve been dating a sociopath for the 2nd time around for about 3 months now. Today he openly admitted to me his disorder. He ignores my calls and messages a lot yet when we’re together he shows some uncharacteristic things of a sociopath. I know that he definitely is based on his past relationships but he treats me insanely different comparatively. I did not understand why, could it be because when we first dated I’d taken his virginity? That attemp at our relationship hadn’t ended because of him, but rather me cheating. Never had he betrayed me and He values me equally to his family, whom he doesn’t allow many people to meet. Is it possible for a sociopath to actually value or love someone this way? Oddly he goes out of his way for me. A high-functioning sociopath who has compassion?

    1. I’m sorry, but my ex was the same exact way. They are incapable of feeling love for anybody. He likes to feel in control. Most sociopaths are narcissist so that ultimate act of betrayal you did probably broke down his ego and drove him crazy. When you came back around, you’re feeding his ego and once again, he feels like he won.

  27. Hi everyone… I have just read this whole blog and every single reply & comment. You have no idea….well, obviously you all do…how bad I need this.
    I have frantically searching for some sort of support group or chat board that dealt with healing from a relationship with a soc. My story is long and sad, as everyone elses. I am not sure if I should post here or under “share your story.” I just know I need to tell it & I need help & support desperately. Part of me feels like nobody cares or would want to hear it much less respond but I see the bonds formed on here & I am so hoping to be a part of. It has been almost a year since I left my soc…who has been in and out of my life for almost 23 years. I just realized his diagnosis.
    I am broken. I need help. Most of the time I want to die. My faith in God has kept me from taking a dirt nap. I don’t even know where to start…….????

  28. I feel so stupid, his sister told me early on that he was diagnosed as a narcissist AND sociopath and he admitted to it when I brought it up but I overlooked that and stayed with him for about 6 1/2 months 😦

  29. I had a bad weekend with my SP. I was feeling great, going NC for two weeks, started my new job (after he turned everything I had upside down), and I got a text from an unknown number. It was clearly him, telling me that I was harassing his mom (she is wonderful and we said we would stay friends, and both our birthdays were during my no contact, so we exchanged a couple messages). He said the most horrible hurtful things and I started texting back as well. He said that his main goal in life for the last three years was getting away from me, that I have so many awful qualities but he also thinks I’m a full-fledged psychopath. Everyone who knows him hates me. He called me fat and stupid (multiple different ways), he said he was trying to avoid me but I thought it was romantic to chase him………none of this makes sense to me. In the last three years we were together all the time, and did multiple vacations with families and friends. We even moved in together last year….I’m not sure how I forced him to be with me. All my suspicions were confirmed that he is indeed a sociopath after this conversation. Everything he said was a lie, I think so that he can brag to his new target that I’m obsessed with him…I am not. I think he is extremely mad that his mom and some of his family members have reached out to me to make sure I’m doing well….As I was talking to him, I realized he was a completely different person from the one I fell in love with. After receiving so much hate, I told him that I still didn’t want to speak to him and I hope that he found happiness. He told me he hopes I get AIDS…..and I blocked him. AGAIN!

    1. You know he is jealous. Right? He likes to keep control and for his life to be separated and compartmentalised. You speaking to his mother is out of his control. Oh the fury. Yes absolutely… using you as supply to the new target how amazing he is and you cant get over him or let him go. You are right.

      The reason he was so different was because he was mirroring someone else.

      They are so immature and childish… who, other than a child says ‘i hope you get aids?’… i mean, come on.

      1. Wow, I never really put together the jealously thing, but that makes sense. I’m sure every time I speak to his mom or someone in his family asks how I am doing it enrages him. He definitely doesn’t want me letting his mom know exactly how he treated me….makes sense that he wants us not to have a relationship. I think I will respond to her if she talks to me, but I won’t start conversations. It’s asking for too much trouble. She is a wonderful lady, and I don’t think she knows that her mentioning me is making him go into rages like this towards me :/

        As far as his new personality, that totally makes me cringe!! But it also reminds me of when we broke up, he actually broke up with me saying he wasn’t ready for the commitment. This is before I knew what he was. I was crying and asked if he still loved me, he was crying too and said he does still love me. That was two months ago. When he was texting me all this stuff about me forcing him to be with him the last three years, I said it’s so confusing because when we broke up you said you still loved me. He said I was “playing the crazy card” and that never happened… That’s when I really thought that he’s just rewriting history to make a good story for his new target….and the AIDS comment….so nuts!! I blocked him after that one!! It’s like talking to someone who has no idea how to communicate or maintain relationships, which I guess is what he is…

        More and more glad to be rid of him every day.

  30. My boyfriend claims that he has been told by a few psychologists that he depicts clear signs of a pathological sociopath. We have been together for the past four years and for the last one and a half years, I have been going through a bit. I am too much in love with this guy and he tells me to stay away from him for my own good because he claims to know that he is hurting me, yet can’t do anything about it. I need help.

  31. Hello everyone
    So I’ve been separated from sp for.12 mths (anniversary in 3 weeks). Hes got a new gf (he cheated on me with her for the last few mths of our 5 yr rship) but he was also dating online for the last 2 yrs of our rship.
    I’ve been nc for 5 mths and I can see progress.
    But God it’s hard. I miss him. I miss what I thought we had. I hate thinking another woman is walking into his house, making him happy, being there for him. My life is less stressful and anxious these days, but I miss who I thought he was.
    I was so anxious the last few years knowing he was lying so much, but these days I feel sort of dead inside!
    Please help

    1. Hi Jolene. Something that helped me was understanding that the psychopath is a victim to his own patterns and that him being with another woman was not a personal thing against me. I know he was with her within 10 days of us splitting up (if not earlier). After being with him for 16 months and hearing the stories of his past I realise he is trapped in the same compulsive cycle and has no ability to recognise nor address any of the patterns that he is controlled by. Cant hold a job down for more than 9 months at a time so he is obsessive about having a partner to feed from (his “supply”). He always moves in with women as fast as possible after meeting them (approx 6 weeks with the latest woman) because he can not hold a job down or go without sex/attention/someone to stroke his ego. He is governed by perpetual cycles. They find a woman, they live from them, drain them and destroy the relationship when they are not getting what they need and then find a new woman while they are still with the current one so they don’t have to go without supply. He did the same to women before me, will do the same to the woman he’s with now and then the women he will meet after her. Its a compulsive illness. I know their behaviour can vary but reading posts on here and listening to my counsellor, the majority of them have compulsive patterns and they are beholden to them. Possibly also when you say that you miss what you thought you had and what you thought he was if you do some very deep searching you may find that its not him that you miss deep down – its the relationship itself, the closeness, intimacy, companionship etc. Realising this helped me to distance myself from his ghost (I felt very haunted by him) and know that I would meet someone a lot better one day, a relationship that held the same level of emotional intensity and intimacy but one that didn’t come with all the toxic trimmings. Big hug to you x

  32. A girl from work i got on well with came up to me one day and told me her 10 year relationship with her partner was over, I gave her some words of comfort and never thought much more about it, some weeks later we stated talking more and agreed to meet up for a political meeting, she told me she could go for a few hours, once she arrived i was told she was out for the day. We ended up going for a drink, not long after she was full on, on me, kissing, fondling me in the bar etc This is something i wouldnt normally do but it had been a while since i was shown this much affection, she asked me if i would have asked her out, i said no as it was too soon after her break-up. At closing time i walked her to her bus, we kissed and cuddled all the way and arrange to meet the following week, she came home with me that night and that was the start of a 4 month relationship full of what i thought was love, every time we were together she told me she loved me, she had a fantastic time, i was perfect and things like, i wish i’d met you 10 years ago – I eventually fell in love with this woman.. during our short time together, i would be told, sorry isnt a word which means anything, some fellow co-workers were trashed, she told me how bad her ex was with money and was incapable of completing household tasks, also stories of how bad her childhood was, she even told me a story about when she was young and one of her friends was abused by a molester, i had know reason to believe any of these things were lies, as i said, i’d fell for her big time.

    We done lots of things normal people do, movies, day trips, nights out/in etc, life was great with her, her sexual appetite was full on as well.

    Within about 4 weeks she wanted me to meet her 10yo kid (she also has two boys in their late 20’s – she wanted to make the meet a double date with her friend and partner, i said that wasnt a good idea, anyways i went that day, i was to pretend i was at her house to do a few odd-jobs, she would come onto me in her kitchen, i would say, don’t as her kids could walk in – afterwards i had dinner with her and her kid, i stayed a few hours and then went home, that was the first and last time i was at her home, our relationship was to be kept a secret so she could get her ex to sign over the house, the fact is i never got to meet any of her friends,

    All through this relationship as i mentioned, she was telling me how much she loved me, she would come to my house, the relationship wasnt a secret to my friends and family, it was a secret in her world though – only a co-worker friend of hers knew about us, i get on well as a friend with this girl too.

    We were suppose to meet up at mine the following week, i had the flu so cancelled, the next we were to go to a co-workers wedding reception, this was a Saturday, she was going on holiday on the Sunday, at first she had change dates to go then changed her mind stating her daughter wanted to see a friend who was only going to be at the holiday park a few day, i never thought much of this as her daughter came first… the thing is, a few months earlier, she wanted me to go with them, again i said this was too soon to bring me into her daughters life..I’m thinking now, she didnt want anyone at work to know about us – I’m quite popular, wouldnt put her in a good light if it all came out what she done to me.

    After the holiday, i called her as i usually did, we were speaking as normal when i said, what do you want to go out for your birthday next week, her reply was NOPE, I want us to be friends, i said what? then she went on a rant about calling all the time, never listening to her and i was like all the rest… everything esle is a blank after that..

    In work the following day, she came up to me asking if i was ok, admittedly i was dry, that night i done the stupid text thing, i don’t think things will be the same etc, obviously i wasnt meaning any of this, my emotions were all over the place, she texted me saying.
    she didnt want to lose my friendship and said she cared about me, that was all to change..

    Again i said stupid things like eventually we won’t talk at all etc, remember this only a few days since i got the break-up news had passed, when i got home, i was removed (not blocked) from a social media site, when i texted her, she said, well this is what you want…

    My angry texts changed to soppy ones, i had fell in love with this woman, at work i approached her, it was if i was talking to someone with no feelings while my heart was breaking.. that night i sent her a text saying how she helped me to love again and how we might meet in another life etc

    The following day i got a text at work about how sickly sweet my text was and how she wasnt hurting and telling me we would never get back together, she said she couldnt sleep that night thinking about my text and called me that night..

    I started saying i was sorry, she went into another rant about me getting her flowers, me being full on because i’d decorated my house in 15 hours, and how i went ahead and done things like book a table for her birthday which is something you do, she then said we could be friends but there would be no phone calls, texts etc so i went from being this perfect guy who she was forever telling me she loved to basically nothing..

    I was really hurting at work and at home, i decided to call a female friend, her first words were you’ve been love-bombed, since then i’ve read and read about sociopaths & narcissists..

    At work for the first few weeks were hell – i done my best by saying good morning, last week i had the courage to ask if she was still getting hassle from her ex, she went on about him being this and that and how she was changing her phone, i dont know why she mentioned changing her phone, maybe for my benefit, i’ve not called or texted since she said not to and dont intend too..

    I was going to become more distant at work this week but i’ve got so many unanswered questions – I did tell her on our last call, she should add love to one of the words she doesnt like along with sorry… she ranted about telling me she told me from the beginning she didnt want a serious relationship (not true) i said why come full on after one date and tell me she loved me, again i got a silly answer about her being tactile..

    Yes i’ve been loved bombed and now feel like an idiot, yes i’m looking for answers which i’ll never get, i’m 57 and shes 49, cant believe i fell for this. At work today i really wanted to tell someone, i’ve told my some of my own friends and family but certain things keep messing my mind up, yes i’ve been though worse and will get over this, i have told my friend, if she starts a smear campaign against me i wont stop until someone listens..

    I doubt she will though as our relationship was a secret work – i honestly wanted to tell a manager today, luckily i called my friend, she said don’t go down that road.

    For 3 years i got on well with this woman who has crushed my heart, the relationship was great but now i know i’ve been used by someone who has no feelings –

    Sorry if this letter seems all over the place, thats where my heads at just now, tomorrow is another day they say, this woman will be at work and i’m there to trying to be as normal as can be, i think of the good times but know deep down the pre-planned ending could have destroyed me.

    After 4 weeks i’m not hurting as i was, it only takes something small to remind me of her, i try to switch on to the last phone calls which showed this woman up in a different light, i was through worse when my ex of 22 years done me over like a turkey, my kids got me through that as i brought them up on my own after she left, i found out what my ex done it took me a year and a half to get over her, even though she was messing around and left me practically penniless, this time its the unanswered questions, yeah i know i wont get answers, i know this woman will feed off my energy, all i want to do is to tell her exactly what i think of her but cant as we work together, yes i have days of hurt, yes i have good days, what i havent got, is her out of my head.

  33. Hello Joelene…I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner, I’ve been in a lil funk myself…..its been over 14months since I’ve talked to my SP and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him…..I realize now that I was completely unconditionally head over heals in love with him……it was real for me but what I fell in love with was just a fictitious lie, no man will ever conpare to him because he wasn’t real….I am having so much trouble meeting someone that even meets up or compares to the fake man I fell in love with…of course he loved everything I loved of course he wanted to do everything I wanted to do of course he had same interests and loved same food, music, movies, so perfect, so complete, he would talk about our future like he wanted the same things I did but it was all a big fat lie….he made me feel so special, so beautiful, so sexy, until he didn’t anymore until he was done with me and he ripped my heart out he was able to turn my insides out….I’m so afraid I will never be attracted to another man the way I was attracted to him, ever….but I am staying hopeful, hopeful that the memories will continue to fade and not hurt so much as each day passes…I’m doing so many new and adventurous things, I am meeting new people and I continue to take one day at a time….some have pointed out that there are positive take aways from my nightmare and I try to focus more on the good times rather than the bad but somedays are harder than others, but this experience has made me stronger in many ways and I don’t ignore the red flags anymore that’s for sure….Joelene, I’m sending you happy thoughts and prayers….take care of yourself do something special for u…what really worked was that I set goals for no contact and once I reached that goal I rewarded myself with something special or an adventure and I continued this every week and every month my next big goal is 2-years NC….
    Xoxo Jean

  34. Jean so fantastic to hear from you thankyou!!! You and I are like peas in a pod.its just on 12 mths for since he ended it- just done! Then I limped along breaking nc and pathetically begging him until he blocked me 5 mths ago. I agree nc is the only way and I dread ever running into him.but I’m also really grieving lately – really sad about the loss of my best friend.
    Like you though – all lies. After 5 years together not even his name was true!! He lied about his business, his ex, his finances, his child, his whereabouts. He dated online the entire last 2 years we were together, yet telling me loved me every day and promising we had a future.
    I grieve over someone who doesn’t exist. I am trying to rebuild my marriage but of course he can’t compare to the sp perfect lie!
    Thanks Jean xx

  35. Thankyou Avalon
    I’ve been doing so well just seem to be in a hole at the moment. Knowing thst he literally can’t help himself from moving from one woman to another really does help. I agree with you that I miss feeling that intimacy and closeness.
    Thankyou x

    1. You are welcome 🙂 I found that too – you feel like you’re doing well and then you feel rubbish again. My own healing path takes the pattern of feeling like one step back and then two forwards. When you have a dark day it feels like you’re a bit stuck and its hard to remember how far you’ve come. I have found if I have a bad phase its followed by a good one where I heal even further. I made a decision in the aftermath of the psychopath that this would not just be about getting over a traumatic relationship – it would be a platform for deep healing and transformation. I was determined that the power he appeared to take from me would be restored 10-fold and would be the basis for my rebirth. Its been 5 months since we parted and I’m still in the thick of it to a certain extent but I am addressing, exploring and healing all of my emotional patterns from childhood that perpetuated the abuse from the psychopath (its called “Shadow work” if anyone is interested) . Its heavy going but the resultant freedom, empowerment and peace that arises from doing this work is worth the pain ten times over. Much Love to all on here and may you all heal and find your wings X

    1. On you tube look up Teal Swan – “How to Heal the Emotional body”. This is a good start and shows you what to expect in Shadow work. I have been following a lot of her stuff in the wake of the psychopath and it has really helped me turn this whole thing around 🙂

  36. Hello to all you ladies that have been through this awful ordeal. I was in an 8 year relationship and have been split for a year ..and yes it has been painful. Reading all the comments my experiences were exactly the same even though I was with the sp for 8years and thought he truly loved I now feel I was living with somebody that I never knew.. It was about 2years into the relationship I realised something was wrong with the constant Lieing gambling not really wanting to work which led to major arguments. He lied about his family he told me his parents were dead but they are very much a life, never wanting to have contact with his 5 children. Gambling getting me into massive debt not knowing which way to turn and not being able to confide in my family as I was so ashamed…also the violence which I had to keep from my children..I stupidly thought he would never cheat on me but yes he did twice that I know off .looking back now over the 8years and recalling lots of situations I think he was at it all the time..after the second affair I couldn’t cope with any of it anymore he moved out insisting he wasn’t seeing her but he is still with her only a few miles from where we lived which isn’t ideal…it was heart breaking my world fell apart and as you all well know it’s very hard to accept what he had done, left me in debt but he can just walk away with not an ounce of shame remorse embarrassment. He carrys on as if he’s done nothing wrong expecting people to still want to be his buddy !!!!!. It’s not been easy but I have finally turned a corner I have got my head straight with help from friends and family and realised that although I did feel jealous of this other women I’m not anymore ,I hate to say it I feel a little sorry for her as he will be doing exactly the same to her as he did to me whether it be this year next year,he has already taken her car and he will drain her off everything until she has nothing and I am the lucky one im FREE FROM THIS MONSTER…I have just started a relationship and I can’t tell you how happy I am ,I had forgotten what it was like to be with a normal person,no lies no cheating, he’s honest loyal and hot and the sex is great !!! So ladies there is happiness after a sp ….hope this helps a little….KB

  37. I have looked all over the internet learning about sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths, or anti social personality and have found that my husband that I have been married to for eighteen years has all of the symptoms of a narcissist but I know just from two days away from him he would never let me leave freely without making sure I would be scared of everything for the rest of my life because he would go out of his way to keep control of me even to denying me a divorce and acting as though he is doing me a favor by doing so.

    1. Hi T (have amended your name for your protection). This site is about sociopathy, but I understand Narcissism well also. Eighteen years is a long time to be involved with someone that is self centred, and self motivated. Being with a narcissist is draining, exhausting.

      I understand about trying to leave and struggling with this,as they won’t let you go. Sociopaths and Psychopaths are classic in their patterning of this, unless they don’t want you. I would imagine if you have been with him 18 years that you are part of his identity. Do you have children together? Or a business, that ties you? Have you tried to leave before?

  38. I fell into a deep depression right after breaking up w male sociopath, just bc it brought up a lot of feelings of I’m not good enough from prior relationships.

    Thankfully, we were only together for 2 months. His mask began to fall off pretty quickly. I would catch him in inconsistencies. He wouldn’t divulge much about himself so therefore
    was very boring conversationally. He morphed into a male version of me by liking activities I enjoyed. I felt like something was off with him after approximately one month. I only met 2
    of his friends who were very superficial.

    He stalked me post breakup for 2 weeks until I went NC and blocked him from my phone. Nothing is more unattractive than desperation and drama.

    I never friended him on FB. Healing day by day ……

  39. I broke, I looked at his new, well not new, girls page… a beautiful happy family Christmas pic. So damn hard. It’s been five weeks since I discovered he had another girlfriend, family, for over a year of our four year relationship. He was going through a divorce for the first at least two years. I blocked, I’d gone no contact… I’d been ‘okay.’ I know it was wrong to look. I tried to talk myself out of it, but I had to peak… I thought I could handle it. I can rationalize and realize how I don’t deserve to be treated like that. But it still hurts….I hurts my soul. I want to be strong again… not this dependent, vulnerable shell. He’s a parasite…I know what he did was wrong and I know I don’t want it back. So why does it hurt so deep?

    Trying to see that the ‘positive’ in the relationship was really from me, was my hopes, my light that was shining. Day by day… back to square one… I will find strength, I will find peace. I am worth it.

  40. I was with someone who sad i love u to me and then the very next day he wanted to be friends..He came across as person who was so like me and i liked him for that but truth is-He was sociopath…never met his family,he has no friends,he has no morals and no respect to wards woman,I spent a lot of money on him and a lot of time.He cheated on me with 4 girls an i took him back and this was all done at the same work place.i m depressed and i thank U fr saving my life as if i wudnt have come to this site.I would have gone crazy or would have hurt myself further.It was very disrespecting to be with him.I am so glad its over and I am moving on now but it hurts to know in a worlds like ours where love has lost its meaning ,sociopaths are making finding true love even more impossible.


  42. I just poured my heart out into this box and when I went to create my avatar it all disappeared. Ugh. Not sure if I have the energy to say it again and the tears have stopped for the moment.

    Suffice it to say much of what I’ve read on here is like reading a story I could have written myself. I see so many topics that I’m going to need to read in the next little while to make sure I don’t let him back into my head or my home. I’m afraid he hasn’t left my heart yet but I will work on that.

    One thing I haven’t seen covered here yet is why can’t there be a cure? What happens to the sp when there is no one left to use? I’ve read enough to be pretty sure I can’t fix him no matter how much I want to. The sp is still a human being. I wonder if I would be doing him a kindness to press charges for the theft I can prove. Is there no help for them? Sigh.

    So glad I stumbled across this website although I wish I didn’t need it.

    1. Follow your heart, whatever you do, don’t not do that to save his feelings. If he is a sociopath he doesn’t have any. you are right he cannot and will not change, he doesn’t even have the capacity to change (if a sociopath).

  43. I want to thank you for this info. At first i suspected he was just sure of himself, somewhat arrogant , manly, wanting to be the provider, showing how confident . Then the lies and I had this feeling he had secrets. More lies and could NEVER say he was sorry. Why hurt me? I was 100% honest , hard worker, spent all my money..and then frail and sick with illness.. He was not there to buy food or cook. Never. Then all the rest. Narc, lier, spends on him self, won’t go places or plan..i was really ill for 2 years he hardly lifted a finger, would not go to doctor with me or ask about tests etc. I said to my self when /ifi get better and do not die my life is going to change. I want to live it to the fullest because i thought i would die. i got better and wanted to plan trips and travel and go out once in awhile.. never would go or plan..confronted him and he showed no remorse over the lies. I made him move to the spare apartment , 2 weeks now, and he still has not come to say he was sorry. Trying to blame me and make me feel bad AGAIN. God i am so confused. I almost said he could come back to the house and we can just be house mates. I have to remember, no contact. I will be moving but I spent all my savings when sick (he managed finances poor and for him self) and waiting for welfare to help me with apt. god! I feel so stupid believing he was a good man only to realize that he was not when I was sick, for 2 YEARS! and he never shopped or cooked food.
    Thank for your in depth writing. Now to move on. i spent too much of my time on this man 9 years! i am the sucker. i am kind and forgiving and i was lied to. he had no intension of forever, to love honor and cherish..

  44. It has been a year and 4 months no contact. I am finally at a point where the thoughts of him are less and less now which is great. The only thing I am struggling with is getting back out there to date again. I feel like my friends think something is wrong with me for being celibat (SP?) for this long. I just have no desire to date at this time. I wonder if I ever will, that is what has me worried. LOL!

    1. Well done Zena, for keeping going. Don’t push yourself to date. First focus on you. Build good friendships. Rebuild your self esteem and self confidence. They can do considerable damage. I have been working on myself and first time in my life I have remained single, why? I think a big part of it was because he conditioned me to leave. Another part of it, is that I now have peace and really do not want drama in my life. Take it small. Start with friends first, learning to trust, being around people you trust, loving you. Building your life and repairing damage done to you. You deserve the very best, so give yourself the very best.

  45. hi been in a relationship for 22 years, best friend and lover but always living on his own. I work as social worker specialising in mental health but didnt see this one coming. I recognised now that when he was cruel there was another lady, now he is with my best friend which took me five months to realise as she is as bad as him with power control deceit and most of all manipulation. I am now 56 and she is 40. I have been behind him supporting while 5 DIC, alcoholism, aggravated robbery, no food, money or friends and i saw him as person with no friends and addictions of pills, alcohol and cannabis. I moved to another town and he followed me, where we were living in backpackers. but the comment he made was “I love mental”. She is also the supplier of drugs, and alcoholic. She is the manager and he stays there as a builder, because of his history with the law is reliant on her for survival. apparently two of my friends. I understand logically the situation as she is into power and control and has got rid of all females that she is threatened with. and he needs her for home and job. but the words of I love you, nothing is happening, lets move into a flat and be friends which I know wouldn’t happen, Get a life, dont care about you but I do love you the next day. and threatening to kill me then total opposite. Thank you for this page but emotionally having trouble moving on as so hurt from the many faces , and the lack of feelings,cold brutal replies , put downs and then the I love you. emotional roller coaster. I have lost everything I possess keeping him out of trouble and supporting him and I know that each day is a new day but the pain of deceit with no emotion is pretty hard to bear. I am a kind caring amazing lady but the brutality and quickness of it all with still lets be friends always here for you is incomprehensible. Unfortunately I have a car that is under his name which I cant afford to pay off immediately so still have him on phone, and wish I could stop all communication as hard to pick up phone as know I have to keep contact number for him till I have paid it. 17 calls in a month. I know he has moved on but having difficulty psychologically with number still on phone, even though still only a number that links us. and I still miss him knowing full well that he has found a supplier for all his needs. He is such a charmer, liar, manipulator and recognise this but my heart hasnt comprehend it or dealt with it yet. any advice out there please

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