STOP BY AND SAY HI!!


It can be difficult either being in the relationship with the sociopath, or leaving them. They are masters of manipulation and control. Sociopaths will burn your life to the ground, if you hang around with them for long enough.

It can take some time to rebuild your life, rebuilding your social networks. Or even trusting someone again. Additionally you might find it difficult to explain to those close to you (if you have anybody left) how you are feeling.

Facebook can be great, but it uses your personal information, and maybe you want to stay anonymous. Please use this page, and the comments, to drop by to say hi. How are you feeling today? How is your day going? On a scale of 1-10 how are things going for you?

Comments come to this site, all over the site, but as a reader you wouldn’t see this. So that you know you are NOT alone, drop by and say hi. Know that you are NOT alone, there are thousands of people every day reading this site. Say hi, and support each other.

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369 thoughts on “STOP BY AND SAY HI!!”

  1. Can anyone suggest a great book for a young (18) girl who did not realize her first relationship was with a budding sociopath. She probably does not believe he is capable of not truly loving her – as she has said – but mom, I know what we had was real.

    1. It was real to her. They present the false illusion ask her to read as much as she can. It can really miss with your mind. It isn’t her fault those experiences were real. They were real to her and for the sociopath it was the best he could give

  2. And…. fail. So I texted him, he responds- curt and clearly annoyed, Why wouldn’t he be though!!! OK start again tomorrow. Im currently reading about ‘acceptance’ – I’ll let you know what it says in terms of our situations.

    But as a question – I accidentally came across some emails from him from January last year – so loving and so attentive and sweet. Granted I found out that he was on a dating site the whole time he wrote those to me – but still its like a different person. The contact the last 12 mths has been so different – cold, blunt, sometimes outright rude!

    Oh boy why cant I just get that he was an Xsshole, I was used, he has changed, it is OVER!

    Ugh

      1. I got back and read his garbage too. After reading daily about sociopaths, it all makes sense. I tag each email, text or message to what he was doing at that particular time. If I was trying to stay away, he’d send ‘I miss my friend. You know you’re the only friend I have”.
        I have taken the advice and gone the No Contact road. IF I post something on FB, I customize who sees it…NONE of his “associates” that can go to him and report. So, I get an email from him last night that says, “I’m worried about you. PLEASE LET ME KNOW YOU’RE OK”. I’m not responding. The ONLY thing he is “worried” about is that he has lost control. You are welcome to repost this if it will help anyone.

    1. The contradictions cause the toxic aftermath. the moment you are detaching he will be on you with charm & pseudo remorse.
      My lingering narcissist has a partner now, i feel safe she went all over his FB to punish me for leaving, he wanted to brush his behaviour aside, I’m guessing she was a backup, he always has backups. Not sure she suits his image she is very plain.

      He boomeranged back after a six month silence, with a new situation in tow.
      I manage him through politeness and not reacting. Totally confuses him, Stick to your own standards, don’t get drawn into reacting, arguing or apologising or defending. Just agree, agree more, talk about grocery shopping or the weather agree some more, make sure your responses are not immediate or amusing. This weaning process is about you seeing how bland they are if you stay mundane too.

    2. Hi jolene.
      feeling your pain. Your so brave to com here and admit your weakness to him. I can only explain it a certain way. Like a bullimic making themselves sick and knowing they are doing something wrong yet having NO control. 😦

  3. Joelene,

    I don’t think it’s unusual to slip as you did in texting him. I slipped a number times until I finally was able to stop myself. It’s a process. I find it almost impossible to think of my S in negative ways. My memories are the happy ones and find it difficult to think of her negatively. What are S’s created in us is Cognitive Dissonance, conflicting realities for the same thing. There are some great articles on the web on it. This was done through their mastery of deception, lies, lack of guilt, etc. I miss my S terribly. It was so wonderful in many ways. I realize I can’t change how I feel so I allow myself to have the feelings for her with knowing that I just can’t be in a relationship with her. It would be detrimental to my well being. It does help. It is very similar to a death, as if someone you loved very much suddenly without warning died. The pain does lessen over time.
    Do you have someone you can call when you get the urge to contact or respond to your S. Someone to remind you of what he did to you. Also I found it helps my when I’m tempted to make contact is to go on the web and read articles on sociopaths. It helps me to remember the negative side. You’ll be fine in time.

    1. Thankyou Dave
      Yes that my trouble – despite exhaustive journalling of all the bad stuff (as it happened) that i can reread, I still come back to the very few good feelings I got from him. It really is an addiction!!!
      I don’t realky have anyone to talk to about it as he realky was a jerk amd noone has much sympathy for why im so obsessed with this!!
      I like your idea if thinking the good person has died – in reality he never existed I guess. I’ll try amd think of it that way.
      Thankyou

    2. I do the same Joelene….read to reinforce what has been done to us. Each article or sign of a sociopath reminds me of something he did or said to me. Each one puts another nail in that coffin.
      Good luck to you on your path.

  4. Hi Joelene,
    Hope you are doing well today and still on NC path….
    Everyday, I think of my SP and its been over 4months of no contact….I like what Dave said about how it feels like a death, losing a loved one, that has been a big part of my healing process….I had to bury away every picture, every letter, I deleted all texts and emails, tried to block every which way of social media I can….I’ve found by trying not to do or go anywhere that is too painful of a reminder of him has helped out a great deal….before I found this website I began researching and reading about ways to get over him I found this article “10 steps to heal a broken heart” on Dailymail.co.uk….I have taken each step to heart and even started to see a life coach to help with ways to self meditate and cope during my healing process…..
    I wish I could say that I only have good memories but the bad ones were so traumatizing…..
    Some of my worst memories started in the very beginning and continued until the end, when he was angry(mainly because I would expose a lie and he would pull out every card to hide it or turn the situation around on me) he would curse me out and say the cruelest, the most terrible, hurtful things, things that would devistate me, bring me to my knees and wanting to end my life just to make the pain and hurt go away, everything he said he couldn’t take back, I never could forgave him or could get over his cruelty …..and like clock work 3-days later he would call , text, email or show up at my place and apologize profusely until I would take him back, he would tell me he didn’t mean all of the things he said he just said them because he was angry and he would say he was so sorry and that he loved me and couldn’t live without me and then it would start again a week or 2 later….I should have ended it the very first time he was so cruel and cursed me out……but it was like an addiction, I would be so low and depressed, until he would contact me, I would wait and check everyday, and once again I would be on a happy high because I didn’t think I could live without him and he was back…… …he was so adimate on me not discovering who he really was, he was so afraid I wouldn’t like him for who he really was and what he didn’t have, maybe he’s right….but I had a right to know who he really was to make my own decision if he was the right man for me and to be around my young son….I learned the hard way, he wasn’t……
    But I know there was a reason he was in our lives, there were positive things I have discovered about myself and what I would want from a healthy relationship for myself and my son. And maybe someday I will have just the beautiful memories of my SP to look back on….
    Take care,
    Jeansxoxo

  5. Thanks Jeans for reaching out
    Im not doing so great. Keep breaking NC. I’m thinking of going to an AA meeting (no SLAA in my area) but I did join SLAA online. They suggested I go to an AA meeting also (I don’t drink much at all) but its a way of going through the steps and hearing how others deal with addictive behaviour. Ugh I cant believe its come to this. I feel ashamed I cant handle this despite knowing what a complete schmuck he was and how much I wanted to end it myself over the years!!!
    He used to text me every morning!!!! Without fail for nearly 5 years. I cant believe how much I miss that. He said he would continue to do that once or twice a the first few days- he stopped (its now 5 weeks).He responds if I text him, but wont text me first now. Its simply killing me!! I want him back, I want he core friendship and contact back!!! That’s my heart talking.

    Head says – FFS!!! You journalled for 3 years how he was playing online, he was lying about his name!!!! his life, his work- everything!!!! He treated my like sh&t . I even journalled that spending an hour with him a day was sucking the life out of me and my self esteem! So why am I so crazy about getting his attention!!!!!

    Ugh sorry guys

    J

    1. Joelene, I know how you feel. I am so broken and missing my fiancé. NC for 5 weeks. But I know she was never the person I thought she was. In the last few weeks I started going out with someone I already knew and liked-respected and while it doesn’t completely feel that void, it is nice to have someone of the opposite sex that you are attracted to and vise-versa.

    2. Hi Joelene,
      That’s exactly how I felt, he was sucking the life out of me why did I miss him so much…..? I knew he wasn’t right for me, I knew that together we were volitle…Our relationship became a twisted nightmare, extremely abusive, a classic case of domestic violence and I still wanted him back….what was it about him that I wanted so bad? He wasn’t drop dead gorgeous, when I met him he was probably 50-60lbs over weight, he wouldn’t smile because his 2-front teeth were damaged from an injury, he was almost blind and almost always needed to wear his glasses, he had jacked up toe nails, no car, no place to live,no money only made minimum wage at a part time job, terrible credit, bad debt with wage garnishments, a criminal record, was a gang member, had been to prison and rehab for drugs and alcohol, possibly the father of a 4-year old son he denied……eeeehhh!! Oh man that’s a mouth full, and none of this was disclosed to me when we first met and started dating………he portrayed himself to be quite the opposite, said he had 2-jobs one he was a manager at, his phone, his computer, IPad, the car he drove, his apartment and furniture belonged to a girl he was using before I came along..
      Slowly but surely I discovered the truth about everything, about who he really was but I can honestly say I still loved him I still wanted him back….there was an insane attraction, I thought I can help him, change him, fix him, give him love, attention, affection and a family that he never had, if I really loved him none of the material things should matter as long as we have each other and are in love…I have never been so in love or attracted to any man ever like I was to him, with all of his flaws, with him being stripped down to nothing, I still wanted him, I would still take him back, I didn’t think I could live without him,.I never thought I would be where I am at today, staying strong at NC for 4-months…..fortunatly for me I was suspicious of his behavior snd towards the end I was persistent and found out he was seeing someone else and supposedly she was his fiancé and she was pregnant, he would have never told me, I had to find out on my own and of course he denied it, denied everything, we had one last final devistating blow out and this final straw, I had to cut the ties forever…but the sad thing is, as long as I let him he would have continued to let me buy and pay for a car he couldn’t afford, let me pay for the car insurance, let me buy him food, give him money and gifts…..
      I don’t know if your relationship was this intense but I know you mentioned he was on dating sites and that you are suspicious that he is seeing someone else, are you able to verify your suspicions? Would that help get over him if you knew the reason he is being short and rude is because he is seeing someone else? And I think it’s a great idea to reach out for help and I beleive it is kind of like an AAA addiction….And beleive me I tried to get help everywhere I could and NO ONE really wanted to get involved or help…I insisted that my SP get help and he started to talk to a counselor but stopped going, I was seeing someone I really didn’t like all she would say is that I should stop seeing him without resolving or explaining anything, I wanted us to both go to counseling together and he agreed and but never showed up….I finally found a life coach, she has a spiritual background, positive thinking positive attraction, relaxation, self meditating, I would recommend finding someone like that and it’s gonna take a lot of work, dedication and time…..
      I know I’m rambling and I suppose journaling too!!!!!
      But I hope this helps to know you aren’t alone…
      Have a goodnight..
      Jeans

      1. Hi Jeans
        Thank you so much. Yes our rship was intense – real love, talk of marriage etc. That was the first 18mths. Next 3 years were full of similar words (mostly instigated by me) but they felt empty when he said it. Then there were the incredible lies – his name , his marriage, his worksooooo many!!!!

        I spoke with him today – asked why he isn’t keeping in touch and why he sounds so cold. He said he’s trying to cut ties and its odd being in daily contact etc. I said we shared so much, we were best friends, we even exchanged secret vows in a church for Ch$$t sake!!!

        So we agreed that contact has to slow down/stop. He obviously wants it to stop/.Im dying a thousand deaths!!!! How can he just not be in my life anymore??? How can I have been so fkg stupid not to call him out on his behaviour years ago instead of letting myself sink deeper and deeper. Now m so deep I cant get out.

        Ok so starting today – 60 days of daily messages on here. NC restart tomorrow.

  6. I’m not sure if it’s a man thing or a heartless SP thing but my SP told me when I asked him at the very end why he had led me on, led me to beleive he loved me and wanted to change his life for the better for us and why was he still intimate/slept with me when he clearly had a new girlfriend/fiancé who was pregnant, he said well after all he was a man with man needs???? What?? And that I was a concenting adult??? Oh my Gxx!!! I never concented to having sex with a man who was involved with another women who clearly didn’t know about me, who is your fiancé pregnant with your child …..!!!!! Is that just pathetic and low or what??? I was such a stupid fool…..
    Joelene, I loved him so much I really did….I died 100X’s too…I am still so hurt and angry but every day is getting better I promise……don’t call him that’s what he wants….doesn’t sound like he respects you, doesn’t appreciate you or what you had…you’ve exposed him and now he can easily throw you away…I’m not an expert that’s just my opinion….start your 60 days tomorrow 🙂

  7. And I do like what Mike said about seeing and talking to someone else….I also have tried to see other people and no it doesn’t quite fill the void…..For me, it would be nice to be able to have someone of the opposite sex to talk to and spend time with but I’m just not ready or I haven’t met the right person who can give me time and space without getting to serious and rushing into a relationship right away…..I suppose I just need more time….

  8. Can anyone please provide clarification on this question ? If a sociopath is unable to feel emotions, then why would they display anger and / or aggression when caught out lying ? This is baffling me.

    To all those struggling to detox from sp poison, my heart is with you. I pray you find inner strength to go through withdrawal and no contact. NC works. It did for me, and it gets easier as time goes by. Make a list of all the things you used to enjoy doing, before the sp shook your world upside down. Make small steps each day to reintroduce these pleasures. When you find your thoughts drifting toward sp, find your inner strength to think of anything else, but not so. It takes training and discipline to change a bad habit. I used to get waves of emptiness and loneliness for a months after I left him. I took up my sport again. Joined a movie club. Worked more hours at work and used the extra income to redo my home. I painted him away. Nothing left that reminds me of him. Threw out any gifts he had given me. Also purposely did things he hated doing, and smiled while I did them. It’s a bugger of a journey, but you grow and learn. I will recognize a slithering sp if one ever tries to come into my life again. Thanks to previous bad sp encounter, I now have the skills to deal with them, before they fck up my life again.
    Hang in there and treat yourselves well and kindly. You don’t need sp poison !!

  9. So I’ve been thinking a lot about my SP these past few days and I spent the evening reading all of the great posts from positivia……I want to say Thank You for reaching out to me with your post about thinking my SP was the love of my life and I do remember back to the beginning when we first met and how he listened intently to my every word, his questions and comments, he was studying me and in a few short weeks knew everything about me, my weaknesses, my likes, dislikes…He knew exactly the words to say, the way he looked at me, he charmed me right off my feet, by telling me everything I longed to hear he would tell me, I was the most beautiful women in the world(ha I am not) that he wanted to marry me and even though I could no longer have children, we could try to artificially inseminate and that he wanted to be there to take care of me for the rest of my life…he even charmed my young son by giving him lots and lots of attention by playing games being interested in the same sports or teams he liked….
    ..God, what a fool I was…
    Tonight, I am reflecting on my behavior and my reaction to him as I found out about his multiple lies…..everything was a gut wrenching lie……everything….I remember fighting him for my car keys back, fighting to get my phone back, fighting for my apartment keys back, and every time we fought he took his share of the rent money and left, my reactions by packing up his stuff every time and returning it to his sisters, how angry I would become, I was so hurt, frustrated, sometimes scared, I can describe the way I felt on many occasions was like a rat in a cage fighting to get out….Like my only choice was to fight back, argue back,scream so loud to be heard(even though I don’t think he ever heard me or cared) or I would cry in hysterics not believing or understanding what just happened, no matter what I said or did it would never change over and over again, most often I would just shut down in fear of causing a major fight but this wasn’t exceptable either for some reason this made him angrier…I would often think I am that crazy person….why was I acting that way, why did I let him get to me and break me down so bad ……..Mostly, all because I would speak up and confront him about the truth…..it became so bad that I lost all trust and faith in him that I would dig up and investigate his lies and confront him just so I could see if for once, just once he would tell me the truth but he would rather break up with me and cause world war 3 than ever tell me the truth…….so at the very end he was totally exposed to me, he tossed me and my son aside like we were garbage and he had the nerve to tell me if I wasn’t on a truth crusade mission we would still be together……

    1. I felt the same way. After a workshop for women victim of violence, we were asked to draw how we felt living with our exes. I drew myself has the face of Edward Munch’s scream painting, under a glass bell. I was desperate to be heard, I was trying desperately to make him understand my limits, feelings and needs, in vain. I lived with him for 16 years, we seperated two years ago and I’m still recovering. It’s hard to see ourselves in the mirror and be proud of ourselves after becoming hysterical, crazy of not being heard and recognized. I’m still hurt. Life with him was a battle, and even if he’s out of my life now, I still feel that I didn’t fully recovered. I don’t trust easily, I lost friends who didn’t believed me, I spent so much time in depression, and with psychologists to try to get over it. Still suffering from it,you’re not alone.

  10. I have been trying to escape permanently from him for 10 years. I am having the most difficult time in my life accepting reality even when it is right in front of me. I force myself to read all I can about what he is, I go no contact for months even a year, yet the pull back to him is so intense I fail each time. I have somehow blocked out what I have been through in order to survive. I go back and relive the trauma over and over again. I have gone to so many therapists pleading for help. No one understands what I try to explain.I have no friends or family anymore. I have a little girl. His. I have not allowed him to see her in 3 years. I was never financially able to get legal custody and live in fear that he will come after me one day for ‘his rights.’ I don’t want to give up on myself because of my little girl. I thought because of her I could overcome this. Each time I relive this I lose more and more of myself. I am terrified of losing our lives to this nightmare because I cannot just conquer this. I truly do not know how. Thank you for being here.

  11. So turns out my SP dumped me 6 weeks ago and I can’t stop breaking Nc (as you know)

    thought he was cheating. Hes been online dating sites constantly for 2 years.

    Turns out he has a new gf. She’s 3 mths pregnant!!

    I’m gutted!!!

    1. Joelene……I am so sorry and I know exactly how you feel….,that was my reaction when I found out my SP had a new girlfriend and she was pregnant….why couldn’t he just come straight out and tell me instead of leading me on?
      I even confronted my SP because I heard through mutual friends that he had a new fiancé, he denied it, he would tell me how could he possibly have the time for me, his job, his classes and have a new girlfriend too….he would insist he did not have the time or energy for someone else hahaha but for at least 4or 5 months he had time and he got her pregnant..,,so after I found out about his lies and deceit it was so much easier to keep the no contact………because now there was someone new involved someone he was doing the same bs too and she would have to deal with him for the rest of her child’s life, no contact was a clear obvious choice who am I kidding……
      Joelene I’m so sorry if I was there with you I’d give u a big hug and we’d eat ice cream and watch a movie or something…..
      This will pass I promise be strong !!! You are worth it ….

      1. We were together a rocky very on/off 2-1/2 years, we even attempted to live together, a big giant mistake because I was stuck in a lease with no help from him for a year…..My SP relationship because of my personality had more negative more detrimental than good I’m afraid😁 it was so toxic but so addicting, next week will be 5 months no contact, don’t get me wrong I think about him everyday but it doesn’t hurt as much… It does get better…..

  12. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!! I made 5-months NC……Wow but I realize the holidays are so tough without my SP, I spent the past couple years with him and all the years prior with my family who I don’t see much of anymore…..it’s so sad really……
    I know I need to be strong but it’s just sad and lonely……

    1. Remember it’s all about perception. I know that it can feel lonely as it’s the holidays if you are on your own. Can feel like you are the only person on your own. Your not. For us in uk it’s just a day. Spoil yourself. Watch good TV. Eat something nice and make plans for your future. Now that you have the luxury to spend time on you. It isn’t a space forever but it does make deep changes within. Me the other side I would say it’s absolutely worth it. You learn to be independent to think for yourself and do your own thing. Sometimes we need to go through darkness to come out into the light the other side. I promise eventually…it really is worth it. Happy holidays x

  13. This site is getting me through things. I was with my SP for almost 2 years. It started as an affair, he appeared to be everything I needed from a partner, I now see he was mirroring me. I ended up leaving my husband for 8 months and he let me do it, all the time telling me he needed to wait til the right time to leave. He was intense, texting 40 times a day. Hour long daily phone calls. But when I asked him about stuff that didn’t seem right, he’d get very defensive, angry and bring it back to me. He told me mutual friends had said bad things about me. He broke it off several times only to come back a day or two later, saying how sorry he was, that I was the love of his life. Whenever I questioned him, he’d tell me a secret like his gran was seriously ill, he had bipolar, he’d had a breakdown years ago, so I’d stay – think he was letting me in – that we’d make it.!
    I finally had the strength to end it end of March, because he was being cold, distant, degrading me sexually. He let me. I now know why his wife was pregnant. He lied about it. Told me they hadn’t been sleeping together in fact were on verge of splitting up. He said the baby was due in Jan, that his wife was very poorly, I found out the baby was due Nov 11th – 8 weeks before, he was going to say the baby was premature.
    I told his wife everything in the end. She wasn’t surprised, he’d done this before, she’d left him, he gambled and got sacked from a job. She is another victim who now has a tie to him.

    Since finding this site I’ve been no contact. Some days I’m ok, other days I cry with so much pain. I just feel shell shocked – everything was a lie. Right from the beginning.

  14. Hi your story is so similar to mine
    4.5 yr affair, so many lies, he was cheating, he called it off a few times but.I went begging back. Now he’s called it off for good and barely tolerates me. I.had no.idea why but since found out he has got a girl pregnant! I’m shattered. He.doesn’t know I.know. It’s so hard. I keep breaking nc but.not as much
    This site is a godsend!

  15. thanks Joelene, it is. I was my birthday yesterday and I thought of last year, he sent flowers to my work, he came and took me out for dinner, all just days after he’d called it off and came back.

    When I find myself longing for him (which is fairly often even though I know he’s a moron!) I tell myself out loud if I can that it wasn’t real, that I am remembering someone who didn’t exist.

    The new baby is hard, as he spoke to me about us having a family, he told me recently that every night at tea time he imagined us cooking together in our own flat. His wife was around 35 weeks pregnant then! I see new babies and I get a pang in my heart. I suppose it’s longing, hurt and if I’m honest also a bit of jealously that he has something new and wonderful to look forward to and I’m left in the wreckage of what he did.

    I don’t know if his wife will leave, before I was NC he told me she’d said that he could stay for the birth, then he said xmas or easter – so I don’t know. I really pray she has the strength to leave him, to realise that her life will forever be full of hurt and doubt with him.

    I have been NC now for 10 days, and each time I see something that I would have shared with him, I take out my phone and read the stories and advice on here and it keeps me strong.

    XXX

  16. Yep exactly the same. My.birthday was 2 mths before we split up – around the time his fling got pregnant!!! We talked future, marriage the lot.over 4 years. He was.online dating for 2 of those years!

  17. I can’t stop reading this site because it explains my ex-fiancé perfectly. Also, I feel the same way described by others that no one around me seems to understand. I feel broken and damaged and lost. I cry over nothing randomly. He was my soul mate, my best friend, the love of my life. I adored him and would do anything to make him happy. I am trying to get through this. Our relationship ended on November 10th. He became increasingly emotionally, verbally and physically abusive and he broke me. He owes me money that he refuses to pay me back. I can see his posts on dating sites and want to warn everyone of what he is and what he will do to them.

    1. Lori, please stop looking at anything he post online. It only upsets you. Just keep telling yourself that he’s looking for another victim and will put them through exactly the same thing he did to you. I have gone no contact for a couple of weeks now. Stopped posting on social media sites unless I customize who sees it. Don’t let anyone that he knows see anything they can report to him. Since I’ve done that, I just got an email from him about how worried he is about me and to respond that I’m ok. I hope he holds his breath! Lol
      Stay strong!

  18. This site is a godsend as so many have said, and seeing all the stories and the similarities shows that we are not alone. I was so much weaker than many of you here, I couldn’t stand to have no contact with my SP – although I had cut off contact in the past, sometimes for years, when he lived in the US. As I have said before, he died in July, I think in the end his lies had defeated him and he had nowhere to hide from truth. The trouble is, I still think about things that happened, things he said, things I believed. I’m angry with him and I’m angry with myself. I began writing a blog almost two years ago when I left him because of his alcoholism, I wanted to understand his behaviour and my own. I only discovered the Sociopathic mind after I had left, and then things fell into place. He ticked every box on the list of symptoms. In a way it was worse for me, because I realised that it wasn’t just the alcohol, and that he had used me purely for his own gain. He would have done that whether he was an alcoholic or not. I had known him, and believed that I loved him for 28 years. That is a long time to be deceived. What I am trying to say is that anyone who knows they are being lied to and believes that this person will change, is deluded in a way that is dangerous to their well being, peace of mind and future. How I wish that I had been stronger and less vain many years ago. Today, every day, I am suffering the repercussions of my misplaced feelings for him. Please think of yourself if you believe that your partner is a sociopath – they will ALWAYS only think of themselves, no matter how you protest, reason, get upset or try to put things right. I hope that you don’t mind Positivagirl if I mention the name of my site here – it’s sexwineandlies.com – I think it shows how I was deluded even after I pulled the plug on him, even after I knew what a web of lies his whole life had been. It also shows that his influence persists even after death – I write things straight away when they are in my heart, I know, from reading other stories here, that we can all slip backwards sometimes, but with the help of this site, we can be strong through knowledge and understanding. Good Luck to all. X

    1. Hi, I’m also weaker than most I’m afraid that I can’t go.nc for long 😦 thankyou for youR story though.it was really insightful. I will look at your blog too

  19. I have a very long story to share. First some background information. I’m currently 18 enrolled in my first semester at college. I was salutatorian of my class and received free tuition to a top public state university. When I was a child I was diagnosed with OCD and have been in therapy and on medication since middle school. I’m looking to be either a pharmacist or doctor and am currently receiving straight As. But…there’s a catch I have recently broken up with, who after reading this site, is definately a sociopath. I met him my junior year of high school, we both worked at a grocery store. I didn’t know much about him besides he was a “player” in that he had had numerous girlfriends (none lasting long) and girls were constantly fighting over him. Oh and he had gotten a girl pregnant (they weren’t even dating at the time), but she had had a miscarriage. (I later found out even after she became pregnant the continued to hook up with other girls (imagine telling that story to his kid). One of my friends who had a brief relationship with him in middle school recalled a time they were in a store and he pulled down his pants and asked if she was ready (when questioning him about this he refused to discuss it). Knowing all this you’d wonder why the hell I would talk to him. Well a) I had low self-esteem b) I wasn’t used to any kind of male attention and I guess craved it (most guy resented my intelligence plus I’m inherently shy) c) we had common interests (it all started with Pokemon). The second-half of my junior year I spent texting him 24/7. We became good friends. Except we never saw each other outside of work. When he got a new girlfriend he’d disappear for awhile, but come back. At times he would be flirtatious with me and after months convinced me to send him nudes. I feigned interest in some card game he played just so I could spend time with him at school, him teaching it to me. The first time I saw him outside of school or work was when us and a mutual friend went to see a movie. After the movie ended he tried to finger me in the backseat of her car, before out friend yelled at him mentioning some other girl (who I had seen him with, but wasn’t aware that they were officially dating (I learned this much later)). That night he told me he cried and was scared I wouldn’t talk to him anymore. I comforted him and continued to talk to him (flirtatiously). Finally later I confronted him about this girl and whether they were dating (he never mentioned her). I told him I liked him and he said that he couldn’t date me right now, but we could continue to talk and maybe sometime in the future we could (maybe & we’ll see is his primary vocabulary). At that point I was pretty angry and downloaded tinder and started sexting random guys. Eventually, my mom found out I was sending nudes and banned me from talking to him and took my phone away for a week. I remember sitting outside buildings and starting to walk home from school on a main road because I did’t know when my ride would show up (walking down that main road I was crying-all the times I’ve cried the past couple years seem to be his fault). After that I didn’t talk to him and met another guy who I dated for seven months. This guy was extremely nice and I remain friends with him to this day. I ended the relationship partly because I was bored and partly because you know who came back into my life. One day at work he began bagging for me again and I struck up a casual conversation (prior to this I had ignored him at all costs). He texted me a couple days later asking if I still hated him (he always used to ask that–pity party?). We began talking again and he sent me a long message about how much he had liked me and how he always hoped I would talk to him again. Then get this..he went on to say how sorry he felt for hurting someone so naive and how “he let go of the wheel when driving” when he though of how he had hurt me (I saved this message and reading it now I laugh at the bullshit of it). It didn’t take long for me to leave my boyfriend for him. I remember how much I had to fight with my mom to be allowed on that first date. On the first date he held my hand and we kissed (actually it was a “hangout”). We hung out once or twice a week. In this time his crazy depressed ex-gf (who I now resemble currently) sent me a long message warning me about how selfish he was and how if you impede on his happiness he’ll stop caring and how she loved him and he left it at that and how he hoped I wasn’t fucked over. Now he responded by saying “well she broke up with me for her ex” (whether this is the truth remains unknown). I did’t put much thought into the message and we continued to see each other. I remember our first real date which was the only time he ever posted a picture of me on social media (snapchat story) or made our relationship public. None of my friends and parents liked him, in fact they hated him. Now fast forward a couple months. Five days before my 18th birthday he took my virginity (which I don’t consider a big deal, but worth mentioning). I remember talking to him once about how he couldn’t have a relationship without sex eventually because he’d end up cheating on the person (manipulative much?). About a month after that my family went on a one week trip to Florida. About a month after that I learned that during that time he had cheated on me with his crazy ex (I learned this through rumors from the girl). He confessed to it and started crying. I forgave him (although I did break up with him for a brief period of time, but I went back to him because I was so dependent at that point). Quite frankly, I thought she’d be that last person for him to cheat on me with (he never said anything good about her). He actually keeps in touch with most of his exes…Once we were back together I went to prom without him because he didn’t seem to keen on going (I mean multiple of his exes were there). Another thing he always did was promise me gifts and never follow through (not that I needed gifts I had more money than him because I was a better saver), but I hated being promised things and never given them (eventually he took me out to dinner to make up for this, but somehow I ended up paying a portion). He never paid, we always split the costs which didn’t bother me. What did bother me was sometimes I ended up paying more. At my graduation after giving my speech I met up with him, but his ex showed up and she started throwing a crying fit. He ended up leaving to go comfort her and hug her. So now whenever I see graduation pictures instead of thinking about My speech and MY accomplishments I remember him. We continued to date throughout the summer and we went to one of my favorite places (which is now tainted by his memory). I was too scared to confess my love to him, but did it in a roundabout way without actually saying it. This happened after a fight in which I told him “You’re not a good person!” (he stormed out of the room, boy was he angry). But the fight ended with him driving to my house and saying I love you. The rest of the summer was some of the best times of our relationship. I went to Florida again and when I came back he was so affectionate we saw each other five days in a row (that never happened). Now that I think about it it was probably because he couldn’t be out cheating on me (he just had a cyst removed from his ass and couldn’t walk well). When it was time for me to leave for college he cried then I cried. Now I question whether the crying was even real. The plan was for him to see me every Friday and sleep over (it was an hour drive each way). This went good for about a month, but things started heading south. Things became tense and when he couldn’t make it on a Friday he could never commit to a different day. I redownloaded tinder…I’m not sure why I didn’t plan on cheating, but a part of me wanted to see how desirable I was (by the way this is a terrible way to judge your desirability). I met a guy who was from my hometown who wanted to hang out the same day. I thought nothing of it because it was midday and we had just met. I didn’t know what this whole Netflix and chill thing meant (why can’t people just be clear they want sex). We went out to lunch then up to his room where he started to get physical. Part of me was curious. Part of me was angry at my boyfriend. Part of me was so uncomfortable in the situation I didn’t want to try and get out (I focused on the former when recounting this story to my boyfriend a day or two later). So we ended up hooking up. When I told my boyfriend he forgave me, but not before hearing the other guy’s side and almost believing him when he started fabricating lies about me doing pot and such (that is not me). In fact, I still worry about this cheating (somewhat) incident. Before dating him I was never a cheater or liar…it was almost as if the longer I dated him the more I became like him (at least within the relationship). The day after I told my boyfriend he complained to his best girl (SPACE (that shouldn’t be here)) friend. He’s always claimed they’re friends and how he’d never date her because she’s a terrible cheater and girlfriend (two of a kind?). Yet they’re communication seems too affectionate. After that he was very attentive for a little bit. But then things started heading south again and he decided to shave off his beard (he loved his beard I still don’t know why he did it…possibly for another girl?). I told him his face looked fatter without it and after that it was like I was dead to him. He ignored me and even after claiming he forgave me treated me terribly. These past couple months prior to me breaking up with him have been the worst time of my life. He repeatedly canceled on me last minute saying he was “too tired.” Turns out he was sleeping over this “best girl friend’s” house. That’s what he told me when I found out he wasn’t at home sleeping. He never used to sleep over there that I know of. It became like a weekly thing. He wouldn’t sleep over my dorm anymore. He started disappearing in the middle of important conversations and giving me one word answers. I became depressed. I’ve lost 5-10 pounds, stopped showering daily, and sleep to escape. I became obsessed with checking my phone for messages and would sleep just in hopes that when I woke up there would be a message there. I’d have to try so hard to get together with him even for a few minutes. He cut dates short to hang out with that other girl (even though he claims she called him after our date ended). He mentioned once or twice about not sure if a relationship was what he needed right now. Yet when I demanded that I see him once a week and we talk consistently at least fifteen minutes a day he kept saying “I’m trying to be better.” But it never got better. I kept waiting telling him I stuck around because I thought we were worth fighting for. He never really tried to end it…he pushed me to the point I had to. I started having suicidal thoughts. He posted a picture of another girl titled “sleepy baby” I confronted him and he told me it wasn’t meant to be affectionate and that he was a lesbian. What really killed me was out of nowhere he started being nice to me and getting physical. I told him I would see him, but I didn’t want sex that I wasn’t a booty call. He wore me down for two hours until I agreed to it (he probably took me stopping to care as a challenge). He spent the next few days being lovey dovey, but still disappearing. I wasn’t relieved that things were somewhat normal I was disgusted. I have no self-esteem or self-worth left. I let him use me after I told myself I wouldn’t. Around the time he started being nice to me he posted something along the lines of “thanks for treating me like shit.” He said it was about an old guy friend, but I bet it was another girl. Another girl probably treated him poorly so he went back toward me to spite her. The lovey dovey stopped because he claimed it wasn’t working. I had been telling him for awhile that I was depressed and he was not sympathetic. He would send a sad emoji or a one word answer. I mean I understand not wanting to be around a depressed person, but that’s not usually who I am. Besides, at this time my parents and EX-boyfriend were more supportive of me than him. I told him my depression was due to trying to adjust to college (which hasn’t been easy I’m not the best at making friends), but the truth of the matter is the root of the problem was him. He made me depressed, he made my OCD (which had been much better) skyrocket. He was withdrawing from my life and I was going through withdrawal. He told me he couldn’t see me this past week. I lost it I told him to get out of my life. But then I apologized. He told me he wasn’t sure if he could do this anymore. I was an emotional basket case. I missed my first class ever (this was also due to locking myself out of my room) and the second class I went to I basically struggled to hold back tears the entire time. My mom drove up to see me and convinced me I had to leave him (which she had done once before, the first time I broke up with him, but because she typed and sent the message I just ended up going back). She said if I didn’t leave him I’d end up just falling deeper and deeper into depression. These past few months have been tough on my parents, my mom cries to see me this way. My mom told me he was a psychopath and that I needed to end it. I finally sent him a break up text that night. I blocked him on all social media. It’s been four days and I haven’t contacted him. It’s not easy I haven’t been able to focus on schoolwork (even though finals are a week away). I’m not nearly as sad as before though…the real break-up had been gradual. Now I’m somewhat relieved. My biggest fear is becoming like him. I cheated one other time on him when things started getting really bad. I felt the need to replace the affection that was lost. Yet, I couldn’t in those moments bring myself to break up with him. My friends and family who I have confided in assure me that a cheater and a liar is not inherently who I am and that with time and effort I can become the person who I once was again. I have sought therapy at school. However, the interviewer on the phone upset me. After sharing about my depression, history of OCD, and break-up with a compulsive liar and cheater (who not until researching have I learned fits the traits of a sociopath) he told me “welcome to adulthood” (aka get over yourself). I’m sorry, but if I could get over myself I wouldn’t be seeking help. I no longer value myself or anything else. I care almost about nothing besides my schoolwork which has even lost priority. I am trying to be strong and regain confidence in myself. So even when a friend sends me a picture of my ex standing in that girl friend’s bedroom at 4am entitled “dedicated a dance to me” I know it’s not worth my tears. I can’t let someone without a conscience ruin the future I have worked so hard for. I have always wanted to cure people, but right now I need to cure myself.

    1. Hi Taylor,

      I just read your message, I don’t know you, but your story reminds me so much of myself almost as if I wrote it. I’m a bit older than you, (24) now, but when I met my ex boyfriend who was also a sociopath I had just turned 18. If you want to know what happened to me you can read the story I just posted which is an update of what has been going on…. I’ll put it at the end of this message. However, what I want to tell you is that I know its hard, its so hard, I was like you motivated, straight A student, kind of lonely, but still happy, and once I met him it just suddenly became like everything else didn’t matter. I actually met him at a study abroad program in Cairo, and upon meeting him I left my university at Berkeley, and transferred and moved half way across the world for him. I managed to keep up my grades but I knew I was destroying my future, and as our relationship progressed I started to fail classes and just not even care to wake up to go to class. I was a really smart girl, I graduated high school when I was 15, and worked full time after for a while and went to college at 17, here I am, 24, and I didn’t finish my degree yet, and sadly, its because I spent all my college years focusing on a relationship that now is like a complete waste of my life. Your mom is right, it will only get worse and worse if you stay by his side. I stayed with my ex as friends after we split and believe me you go through the same pain as if you are together. The longest period I haven’t been able to speak to him since I first known him has been about 5 months, and during that 5 months I accomplished more than I did in 6 years. It took about a couple months to start moving on but once I did I started to love myself again and meet new people, but of course he came back into my life when he realized I had gone so long without feeling the need to talk to him and just came in destroyed it by making me think he still loved me and put me back to stage one again, and its a constant cycle….it doesn’t stop. Its like a game to him, he just needs to know he has you. He also use to keep contact with all his ex’s just like yours and every new girlfriend he gets, even when he comes back to me he keeps in contact with them on and off. I know how destroying they can be, and believe me I know what you mean by no one understanding, no one will understand unless they have been through the same thing. They just think we are obsessed and we need to move on and get over it. The reason we can’t move on is because they don’t give us any closure, not at all. The last time I moved on which was what I was telling you about I was able to a little bit because I forced him to give me closure by bombarding him with emails and forcing him to reply, when he replied it was very nasty and rude but at least it was ended and I ended it on the note that he admitted everything was a lie, which helped me move on, but so sneakily he came back in saying that what he said in the email was a lie and the truth is he loves me, which put me back to the beginning again. Until now I am in this constant circle with him, and although now I know he is a sociopath and as much as I knew he is lying to me I just can’t say no when he asks to see me, its too difficult. Just like you I lost my virginity to him which makes it even harder and he was my first real love, I never actually had a real boyfriend before or after him. I would always compare everyone after him to him, and even when I do try to move on and accept he comes back into my life and its my fault I let him. So if you were to take my advice which I knew its hard because I can’t even take my own advice! Its to focus on your school and if you do want to talk to him, try to force him to admit he doesn’t like you by catching him in his lying moments, if he is going to continue to lie to you and not admit it, just try to stay away, you have a huge life ahead of you and I swear it only gets worse, if I would have backed out years ago when I was going to I would have been much better off, when I think about how devastating it was when we broke up a long time on and off while I was 19 it was nothing compared to now at least I had a future in school to look forward to, now I don’t, and even though I am still working on completing my degree I’m so disappointed in myself that I fucked up this bad and took this long, and moved to another country for a guy who doesn’t give a shit and was just using me.

      Here is my post if you want to read my story, I hope it helps you, and if you need anything anytime just let me know I’m here for you Taylor.

      Oh and the part where you said you go to bed hoping that you’ll wake up to find a message from him and go days without showering, you had no idea how much I related to that, I use to do the same thing, and still do when he disappears, he pulls a disappearing act almost every few months at least with no explanation and comes back as if nothing happened.

      Love,
      Sarah

      My ex boyfriend is definitely a Charismatic sociopath. The funny thing is that I read this blog last year when I was going through the smear campaigns and bombarding stage, I was shocked at this behavior so I finally gave in to what I heard from a mutual friend telling me he is a sociopath and looked into it and found this blog. There were a lot of things written here that match his personality, such as the lying, saying nice things that are too good to be true, faking sickness to get pity from people, always craving attention and saying I love you sometimes saying just to reassure himself that I do. There was one time he asked me, “do you love me” so I asked why are you asking me that? I tell you I love you at least a billion times, so he said, no I just need to hear it from you that you really do. I thought that was so weird given that my love for him was obvious at the time and we were deep into our relationship. I dated him for almost 6 years. We were friends for 1 full year before we dated and even as friends it was as if we were dating, however he never was willing to commit as my boyfriend until I required him to and told him he can’t have the best of both worlds, the friends and the sex it has to be one or the other, so he chose to date me. It was rough for the first few months as he wasn’t reliable, and he would only show up if he was jealous of me being with other people. however, he managed to by the end of our relationship isolate me from all my friends, and like you said they do it so subtly you don’t even realize, they make you think its YOUR decision.

      Anyways to get back to my point, when I came across this blog last year, I was at a horrible place. I had been with him for 4 years including 1 year as friends before that, and we broke up because of forced reasons from his family and mine as we both got into a heroin addiction problem, and upon getting clean and families intervening we decided to break up, however, we still stayed close friends seeing each other very frequently. Therefore we still acted as a couple just wasn’t labeled as one. What then happened was lies and manipulation. I’ve been lied to by him before many times, there’s too much history to say it all here, but some of the major lies from him while we were dating were him lying about having had sex with all his ex girlfriends, when at the time we first met I was 18, and I was still a virgin then, sex to me was something very important, as I wanted my first time to be with someone I truly care about and am committed too, he would keep telling me these lies even before he knew I was a virgin, and when he found out I was that love bombarding started with all the nice things and acting like hes committed and so forth, then when I still wouldn’t sleep with him, he pulled his first disappearing act, the first of MANY to come. These disappearing phases would last anywhere between 1 week to 4 months max, in which he will block me off everything so there is no way to possibly contact him, and when he decides to re appear he will always have some stupid excuse of why he couldn’t talk. The first time it happened I was really confused, like what did I do, did he break up with me? I had no idea what was going on because he didn’t say anything, so I asked a mutual friend to get involved to see whats going on. He then contacted me and pretended we were still together saw me a few times and disappeared again. I then sent him a message saying that I assume we are broken up, and that he doesn’t want to talk to me. He was very cold in his reply, saying something like he never liked me anyways. A few months went by before we spoke again, however, when we did we became friends for about a year. He continued to try to sleep with me, which I wouldn’t allow him to, and later didn’t until we started dating. a couple months after that he was very high and he told me that he wanted to say something to me, and turns out what he wanted to tell me is that he was a virgin and he lied about it. He thought I would be happy, but I was so devastated I felt like everything was a lie, all these stories he told me about these girls he had sexual relations with, and him knowing how important losing my virginity was to me and he just lied. I told him that I wish he had said the truth because at least I would have known that I made that decision because I wanted to not because I was lied to.

      The reason I bring this up is because this was the first time I found out so much of what he told me was a lie. I did find out a year after meeting that he lied about his age, and where he was from, and some lies about his parents, and how they treat him. When I found out and confronted him he would never admit it but just settle that I found out the truth and sometimes continue to lie about it but I would tell him its not worth it because I know whats going on. When we started getting serious say about the third year of dating or so, the lies seemed to stop, and the only weird thing that was going on was that he would always message random girls on Facebook and lie and say he has cancer to get them to feel bad for him. He would also message old friends (girls) and tell them that we are not on good terms and are breaking up soon and he wants to see her. When I confronted him about this, he told me “I have a problem, OK, I just like attention and yes sometimes I do and say sick things to get, but who cares, I’m not going to see her its all fake, I like messing with people’s heads” I thought that was so weird. But I told myself, I love him, and if this is his only flaw at least he admits and I’ll deal with it, and I didn’t get mad later when I would find out he would talk to random girls online telling myself that as long as its not in person who cares, this is a part of who he is and he finds it entertaining. He also use to admit that he loves lying to people he will never see again about his profession and age, and sometimes faking that he is a blind man when he rides a cab, just weird shit like that.

      Anyways sorry to get off point but back to when I came across this blog last year, we were at the point like I said where we were broken up because of us both getting sober but staying good friends, and we also kept on sexual relations with each other, and both weren’t seeing anyone else. I did try to date someone for a while but he pulled the jealous card and always would say bad things about the guy to put him down and every time he would know I’m going to see him he would ask to see me, to deviate my attention sometimes even ask if he could join, just so I would see him instead. I thought it was odd because I told him if he wanted to get back together I’m fine with that but we can’t be friends and ask me not to see other people. He would always reassure me yeah we are just friends see who you want its OK, but then every time make it impossible for me to date.

      When I saw this is how he acted I took it under the impression that he still loves me but doesn’t want to admit it so I backed off other guys and stayed committed to him. During this time we were still in college and it was our last year. Now I know he used me throughout his college years to write his papers for him and do his work as he was never good in that area and was getting D’s or F’s in most of his classes before I came along. once he figured out I’m good at writing essays he took advantage of that and would always be so nice and sweet before he would ask if I could “help” him with his papers. I didn’t mind as he was my boyfriend and I cared about him so I thought I was helping. I never ever thought he was using me. Now looking back I guess the reason he stayed close to me after we broke up is so I could help him with his school work. That is why after he graduated he started to slowly drift away, I realized he was drifting away so I ask him if he was seeing someone else and he would constantly deny it, every time we would hang out his phone would ring non stop and he would tell me its his band mate, later I found out it was a girl, he then said yes its a girl, she manages my band, then I found out she wasn’t his band manager and she talks to him as if they are together so I asked if they are together he told me no, she just thinks we are, he would also call her crazy, and ugly, and say very nasty things about her. During this time I didn’t see much of him, now I know its because he didn’t need me for anything but then I was devastated because I had spent 5 years with someone who is treating me like a worthless shit but in front of my face he keeps pretending he loves me, I was so confused. Now I realize that he was a charismatic sociopath as he would never be evil in my face, always be so sweet and kind in person, but always disappear and ignore.

      What brought me to this site was when I finally got a message for his current girlfriend at the time asking me to back off, telling me that he had said all these nasty things about me, such as I’m the girl who ruined his life and introduced him to drugs and I won’t leave him alone and I always try to lure him back in, always blaming his relapses on me even if I didn’t see him at the time. He also told her that he never loved me all this weird stuff. At the time I thought she was just saying that because she saw me as a threat and wanted me to be out of the picture, however, when I would confront him and tell him if you don’t like her then why are you with her he would always tell me, yea I’m planning on breaking up with her soon you’ll see, there is just so and so I need to do first always making excuses and stalling. After about 6 months of him being with her and me fighting with him about it because I had sensed he was lying to me about not liking her as he was always with her and always msging and talking to her, so I told him to be honest but don’t keep playing this game. He was using me at the time and actually having sex with me at the same time he was still sleeping with her, but telling me that they are not together. Constantly lying. When he finally got put on the spot by his girlfriend at the time and she told him to chose either her or me, that when I experienced the real sociopath in him, however, he could NEVER say it in my face. That’s why I seemed to think he was just pressured as he would always claim, but now I realize like you said he is a charismatic sociopath and they don’t do rude things in person. The things he said, omg, I couldn’t believe myself that someone human could even say all those things and fake all those emotions.

      Here is a glimpse of what he said in the nasty email he sent me with his girlfriend last year, just to give a brief explanation, out of the 5 years we were together, only 1 year was while we were using heroin, we met clean, and we started our relationship without drugs, the drugs came after the fourth year of dating and stopped afterwards, we stayed friends while sober for a year before he met his new girlfriend, he relapsed a few times but it had nothing to do with me, he would just call me every time he would relapse because he knew I was the only one who would talk to him while under the influence and maybe get high with him on occasion. So here is a glimpse of his nasty message accusing me, of everything he did, blaming his cheating on me suppsoedly seducing him or forcing him to in exchange for drugs, when the truth is I never did drugs with him during that time, and when we did sleep together it was after him trying to be nice for days and begging me to believe him that he still loves me, it is exactly a perfect example of what you said of smear campaigns and abuse:

      Email:

      what do u want an apology. Im sorry it has to end this way to know you were a good friend, yes you were there when i needed u – to think about my decision, i did – tell you clearly and alone that i want u out of my life. I told you before and again i say please just leave me alone. Sarah you are a part of a life i want to put behind me. I always kept u around because i knew you’d be my in it was not the nicest thing to do and i didn’t consider your feelings as a human but i was never thinking straight while under the influence and could think of nothing else but using. I thought i needed it but im so glad this time that it really hit me. Now that i have the best of the people who love me around

      I have nothing to say to you because i have covered everything in this email i answered all the stuff you wrote you have a clear answer and crystal clear feelings about my decision and how i feel about you. u mean nothing to me, ur kisses meant nothing to me, sex meant nothing to me.. and if felt terrible ur emails mean nothing to me, just taking up space. your words mean nothing your sadness means nothing your desperation means nothing our entire relationship meant only one thing ‘herion

      You’re being over dramatic although I shouldn’t have called you ur still over the top. i got weak to the idea of H something you understand. I don’t even remember when i spoke to you or for how long just that i needed u for h/ I for sure shouldn’t have slept with you, not that you can call that sleeping. I’ve had cigarettes that lasted longer. I didn’t really wanna do anything with you. but just left you to do your thing because you threatened many times not to give me anything/ i don’t blame you completely, i take blame I shouldn’t have done a lot of things but im trying to stop all those things that pushed me and you’re not helping you’re an obstical and if you really cared and wanted me to b happy like u said then you’d let me live my life and stop bothering me everyday

      I’m not wasting anymore of my life on your insecurities. You have to realize that i don’t want you now like i never wanted u before.. i felt pity for you when you were crying your eyes out asking me to date you. i did just to shut you up.. that was a favo a big one, now pay me back by getting out of my life

      I don’t know what u want from me but whatever it is i CANT give it to you because i DON wanna. being manipulative and u try to lure me back in any way, trying to kiss me, still making up lies when u know myanne is around but alone you realize that you don’t really remember u are trying to do anything you can just to hold onto something that is nothing but a memory now.

      Ive tried being rude nice strict honest a liar calm aggressive nothing i do makes it sink in. So i hope this time you really do have enough pride to walk away because now that it is all out in the open there is no reason for you to reply to say the same things over or defend yourself. What is done is done. Just like our relationship even if we did have something and there was a connection and all the other crap that came out of my mouth that has all gone now. Yes you cared about me a great deal and that’s cool but if you wanted to go you could’ve but you stayed round waiting for me loving me unconditionally like u say that’s not my fault they are your decisions.

      Everything must come to an end sometime this is ours I hope you can move on like i have and become as happy as i am now that i have everything i need and want in one place.

      I will not reply to anything more. I have nothing more to say.

      You call myanne a bitch and a whore you know zilch about her. She used you yes but she made it quite clear what she wanted from you and made it clear when it was over. You cant seem to get that into your head thinking there is something more you can do to try and break us up. If you think she is an idiot for wanting me in her life, why do you want me or why did you want me in yours. Thats rhetorical by the way

      You call her ugly but that’s just because you know that no matter what you do you’ll never look half as beautiful as her she has an amazing smile a sweet scent that keeps me strong and a beautiful shining personality that drives everyone mad

      I’m now with the girl that everyone else wants not the girl who everyone is trying to get away from

      I’m curious to know your opinion if you think his actions signify he is in fact a sociopath because I am more than sure he is.

      To summarize what happened up until now as this was a year ago, about 4 months went by without him contacting me and I kept to the no contact rule as I was reading this blog then, then he called me and asked to meet me in person to apologize. By the way during the time this email was sent I would beg to meet him in person because I wanted to hear it face to face and he would never agree it would be hard enough for him to say it over the phone even though he did but not as harsh as the email.

      Anyways stupidly I agreed to meet him, which I couldn’t believe I did because after this email and all the nasty things that were said, which were much more that I showed above, I was disgusted by him, but part of me was still longing for that nice guy that I loved and fell in love with for years. and he put that mask on when I saw him, claiming that he didn’t even know the emails were sent and that his girlfriend sent it behind his back, which is complete bullshit because there is too much detail in there for her to send it, also I asked him well how about what you said over the phone, he told me that it was on speaker phone and his girlfriend forced him to say it. I told him I didn’t believe it, and even if that’s the case if he respected me he would never agree to say these things whether forced or not, and he would stand up for me not accuse me of all these nasty things to make himself look better, then when he got put on the spot he said I know I’m sorry I don’t want to talk about it, I’m just stupid I can’t believe I did that to you, please forgive me, your the only person who truly cares about me and I fucked that up so bad and then he started the water works. I didn’t believe him, especially since he was still with his girlfriend at the the time and I asked him to leave her if he doesn’t like her. He kept making excuses again, anyways this time I stuck to my word because I didn’t want to go through the humiliation of last time, and I told him I wouldn’t talk to him until he proves either he loves her and wants to be with her or he breaks up with her. Anyways he ended up breaking up with her a couple weeks later then calling me saying see I broke up with her lets meet and so forth, Stupid me I met him and also slept with him, and we seemed to be good for about 3 months, until I found out he was still talking to her every now and then repeating the same story again of I don’t like her and so forth but he is pushy and manipulative and so on. To cut it short he ended up disappearing and then getting back together with her for a couple months. until recently he called me because he said they broke up, I found out she broke up with him because she found out he was cheating on her with me before, and since he knows I know that he admitted that yea she broke up with him but its a relief and he never loved her anyways she is just very pushy and she doesn’t let him break up with her, more bullshit. So the reason I am here today is because I just saw him yesterday and he fed me all the bullshit of he really cares and so on and he wants to change and he will prove it this time, and I know you will say I’m stupid but as much as I know its a lie, why can’t I help but see him, and not just see him but WANT to see him! HELP MEEEE! I don’t want to go through the heartbreak I went through before but I also don’t want to lose someone I thought was my best friend for 6 years and I feel knows everything about me and is so easy to talk to he just makes me feel comfortable when I’m around him and he’s the only person who truly understands me and my family and I can talk to openly, and as much as I know its fake and pretend part of me tells me its real and he just has a problem but deep down he really does care about me since he keeps coming back to me, and even when he was with his ex girlfriend he would always try to talk to me, but then the other half of me says well if he really loved you he would have never said all those nasty things, even if his girlfriend wrote the email she must have heard it from somewhere!

  20. Hi,

    I am in the middle of going thru a divorced and my soon to be ex is def a sociopath. Reading others peoples story is very helpful…I feel like I am the one who wrote the stories since I had the same mishaps. I have taken control I do nt speak to him at all and when he tries to change things up since we have three kids I stay firm and answer back no or yes answers….I have been doing more reading in how to handle this with kids. Question tomorrow is his weekend with kids, he gets them every other weekend….so he decided to take a part time job on his weekends on Fridays from 5-12 i told him u figure it out with kids (this is nothing to do with kids I am being firm with him)….he doesnt want the kids at his place but wants to pick them up at 12 am which is not happening…I asked my 14 yr daughter to ask him where is mom bringing us tomorrow…he is not giving her any answer…what should I do I dont want to reach out to him and I dont like getting my 14 yr in middle.

    Thanks,

    Renee

  21. I split with my fiancé in April this year I ended it because I had enough of the verbal abuse and he started to become physically abusive ! I have had a mental battle with myself daily since we split he did the usual bombard of texts calls letters I’ve alway had the thought will he change especially since he has now met someone new!! he says that he has changed sorry for how he treated me that he was under a lot of stress along with other excuses but he is only nice in his replies for a short time (2 messages) he gets abusive puts me down name calling when he doesn’t get what he wants !!!!! The girl he with now who is ready to settle down with is all a show he just moved onto a new poor defensive woman because he can’t help himself unfortunately I slept with him last week gutted I did that but it’s enough for me to see he not changed he still contacting me asking to be friends!! How he behaved since we broke up is exactly what he was like with his ex before me !!!! I’ve blocked him now and decided to see a counsellor to help me get over this because o know he will try to get back in contact he can’t help himself
    Wish I had seen this site earlier would of helped me move on and see him for what he is really is a lot sooner !!!!
    He is everything you say on here and I know he will never change but I have to come terms with that just takes time xxx

  22. Hi… My first time posting… I think I am in denial…

    I don’t even know where to start, but last night bf of 6 months accused me AGAIN of cheating on him.. this time with my manager, all because I was telling my friend a story which involved my boss and the story I told was different to the story I told him – and the reason was because the story had lots of layers and i just couldn’t be bothered to give all the background information … so I’m a liar and a cheat by all accounts… This is the third time he has accused me of cheating/behaving inappropriately. And he was very dramatic – we were out… He stood up asked for our hotel room key and walked off and then send text messages threatening to drive home. I left my friend, we argued, he couldnt tell me what the different stories were, My friend said she didnt think i had said anything wrong at all… We fell asleep then all night he was holding me, wouldnt let go, cuddling me tight…

    And then i get the text messages tonight again…

    I don’t want to be in denial i want to be strong and face the truth – but there is that thing in the back of my head saying what if i am wrong… what if he isn’t a narcissist/sociopath…

    But everything rings so true…

    He sends me mixed messages all the time 2 weeks ago he ended our relationship saying he had to sort his life out.. then every 2-3 days he is messaging me again.

    I’m so confused.

    1. Hi Emma,

      The false accusations of you cheating – usually start within a couple of months after seeing Mr or Mrs perfect. You are stunned, how could this happen? You want to prove that you are not like the ones who had hurt him before? Or how could he think this of you? So you try harder.

      Two things are going on here, either or both could be true.

      1. He is cheating and is accusing you of what he is doing himself

      2. He is showing overt control, and getting off on your need to defend yourself. He is getting off on seeing your distress. He acts insecure, but he knows damn well that you are not cheating, its all part of the game that they play.

      I can tell you this, after going through this for YEARS, that it does not get better it only gets worse. Next comes the

      – Monitoring your texts, social media
      – Falsely accusing you
      – Interfering in your relationships with others

      The longer that it goes on, the smaller that you feel, and the smaller that your world becomes. You spend your time trying to make him happy, but the truth is he will never be happy, it will always be something else, then something else, then something else again…..

      Being in denial is a normal part – we want back, that person that we saw in the beginning, the loving kind person who saw us in such a ‘good’ light…. now you are being seen in a bad light.

      This is what they do. At first, they reflect back to you, the REAL you…. later they reflect back to you, their own twisted sense of reality.

      1. Hi Emma, she is so right….My X-SP use to turn and twist things around on me with in the first couple months, I should have faced the signs and ran like hell….He would become enranged if I would question about a girl that he was still involved with when he first started seeing me he would start awful fights, call me terrible names, break it off with me and then like clock work call me or start texting me within 2-3days…
        The truth I found out later was that he was still involved with her living with her, using her car, she was supporting him and at first he hid from her that he was seeing me….He did the same thing to me years later and I began no contact when I found out he was seeing someone else and he got her pregnant…..the turmoil the nightmare that I lived through, thinking it was all my fault what if I’m wrong? I wasn’t wrong, a little digging and perseverance proved that I was 100% right about everything……I was in such denial that I almost lost everything, I was isolated from friends and family, almost lost my job, my home, my sanity and he would just stand over me shoving my face in the ground with his hand out continuely taking and wanting more….nothing I mean nothing I did made him happy ……
        Your story seems so similar to the beginning of my relationship, before to much time is invested I would end it and begin NC…
        This week with be 6months NC and not a day goes by that I don’t think of my SP……..my light is that someday he will be nothing but a faint memory…..

  23. I have now been 3-months no contact. We dated 2 1/2 yrs. she was having an affair that I caught her in…I had suspected others but she always denied. I hurt, I miss her. I think about her because of Christmas. I try to convince myself I never really knew her. I didn’t. I am so embarrassed & hurt but still I would like to see her and talk to her. But I mustn’t.

  24. I have now been near 3-months no contact. We dated 2 1/2 yrs. she was having an affair that I caught her in…I had suspected others but she always denied. I hurt, I miss her. I think about her because of Christmas. I try to convince myself I never really knew her. I didn’t. I am so embarrassed & hurt but still I would like to see her and talk to her. But I mustn’t.

  25. Christmas time has been very tough for me this year too!!!! I lost my mother last year and with everything going on with my SP, I did not get a chance to morn the loss of my mother….immediately after her passing is when our relationship took a devistating turn for the worse, a complete nightmare…not even days after her funeral I had to get a restraining order against him…we tried for months to resolve our issues, he was so sorry, he was going to get help, it was all lies, everything he ever told me was a lie…..These past couple weeks, my grief along with my heart breaking has been excruciating pain, I am so angry and everyday I get to put on a fake smile, act like everything is perfect while I face my co-workers that knew what he was doing behind my back and of course he told them that I was completely crazy, talk about embarrassment…Today, I don’t feel like breaking no contact but I think about him everyday, I wonder if he thinks about me, ever! Is he over me? Does he miss me as much as I miss him? What would he say to me if we ran into each other? Is he sorry?

    1. Big hugs to you Jean and merry Christmas!! I met the Sociopath in my life, weeks after my grandmother who was like my mother died. I didn’t have time to grief either. You know he became like a bandaid – a constant distraction so that i didn’t grieve. When we split, it hit me hard. Not just the loss of him, but also the death of my grandmother, (who died weeks before Christmas and always loved this time of the year). It hit me like a sledgehammer.

      I suddenly realised I hadn’t grieved at all.

      You know what Jeans…. what an asshole. What a selfish asshole. Putting you through this at a time when you needed love and support. He told people I was crazy too. So much so I almost started to believe it myself.

      You ask does he miss you, he doesn’t see people like you do! This is no reflection on you at all. he is like this with everybody. He only misses something if he is going without that is all it is about. Being over you isn’t the same as you see either, as he was never into either, he cant be, unless it is for himself. If he ran into you, he might say hi and try to move back in, if life isn’t working out for him.

      BUT you don’t want or need this in your life. I know the temptation to put back on the band aid that makes you avoid the loss and pain of your mother. That when you were with him, you didn’t have to deal with grief, and that can be far more painful. Grief, is something that we go through, not to. Avoidance doesn’t heal, it just delays.

      This guy is a prize asshole. He really is. The worst of the worst and the lowest of the low. He doesn’t deserve you. The right man cannot get in, if the wrong man is in the way. Right now, the right person is YOU.

      What are your plans for Christmas? Are you spending it with anybody? Merry Christmas to you!!! Sending lots of healing love and light to you x

  26. I cant agree more here. They simply are not the same as other people. They look and sound normal but they are aliens in human disguise!
    They are incapable of true love, true remorse, true compassion!
    They stumble along, inevitably using and hurting people! Then the people they lie to – professing love- get smashed against the rocks. They look, shrug their shoulders and literally don’t give it another thought.
    They rationalise it as ‘its for the best’

    My ex sp has moved on with lightening speed introducing his gf to his family 3 mths after he ended our 4.5 year relationship.

    I’m struggling a lot and working hard!!! I can’t seem to stick.to.nc

    But im up to 5 days (longest ever:) so I’ll try to out do my personal best 🙂

    1. Hi, today is hard. It makes me think of last year. All those false promises of a future together. I had no idea he’d been lying since the beginning, about everything, every little thing. I think that’s the worst thing isn’t it, when you realise nothing was real. It’s the cruelest thing I’ve ever experienced.
      And he doesn’t care, he’s living his perfect life. How is it he gets a future, and I feel like said above, like I’ve been smashed against rocks and left for dead.

      Merry Christmas everyone, stay strong xxx

      1. Hi jelly fish merry Christmas. The loss of him is a gain. Please give the gift of yourself for Christmas. Don’t punish yourself or treat yourself badly. Eat well. Sending you big hugs. It does get better. Merry Christmas x

      2. Oh jelly i completely understand. This time last year we headed away for a weekend together and it was so.much less affectionate than other weekend trips – Byt waa still ok. This year – not even a text! We.used to sneak out and meet every day!!!! Even christmas day!! Today was christmas day – no text, no catch up and he spent every minute with the family he said he hated with a new gf!!
        The contrast is extreme and tears my skin raw!!!

    1. My X made all her connections through Facebook. She still communicated online and met (she said as friends) with ever guy she had dated. She used social networking to boost her own ego as well as a means to communicate. That was her undoing because I actually think some of the previous guys thought they were still dating her. They posted pictures on their unbidden pages with her. When I confronted her she admitted to hooking up with one. I think this was throughout the entirety of our relationship and I believe through the later years of her marriage. I just want to know the entire truth because I deserve to know. I invested time money and emotion in making life plans then this. She is a joke. I can’t believe people are so cleaver at hiding this.

  27. Thanks again Positiva for your healing love and light and Merry Xmas to everyone….This year has been tough but I tried to be the best host I could I kept myself busy with cooking, baking and did get to spend it with my kids….I feel that because of this site and the support from all of you I have been able to reach out for help, meet new friends and new acquaintances at work….suprisingly by focusing on me, my needs, my wants and my well being other opportunities have been opening up for me….
    Your right positivia, with the wrong people out of my life it makes room for the right people…….tomorrow is 6months no contact and and a year since my mother died……I deeply miss my mom and
    Believe me not a day goes by that I don’t think of my SP and the excruciating pain that I had gone through…..I will probably always be tramatized by his cruelty, the fact that he lied to me about every single aspect of his life and how was he able to move on so easily…..
    Joelene, I know the feeling of being beaten against the rocks and left for dead……
    I suppose this life experience has made me stronger, more aware and signs to look for and avoid when talking to someone new or going out on potential dates…..
    I am building a protective shield around myself and am becoming stronger everyday…..I hope in another 6months to be able to look back at everything and he will just be a faint memory…….
    Positivia, you are a blessing, an angel and I am eternally grateful because you did save my life…….
    XoXo Jeans

  28. Long story short, currently divorcing sociopath, he refuses any consent order, even the one agreed after 18 months of mediation. This is stopping me from moving on with my life. Uses contact with the children to control me eg constantly demands contact dates are changed (I now always refuse) and then tells everyone, including my solicitor (which costs me a fortune) that I am stopping him seeing the children, followed by threats to take me to court. Latest game is not turning up for contact with the children because I wouldn’t swap days and now trying to ask if I will allow contact (on his set day) this coming weekend. I feel inclined to ignore txt and give no reply as it is hisset contact, so don’t want to be drawn in to replying. What can I do re consent order and child contact?

    1. Samantha…..Unfortunatly for the kids, there has to be some communication, unless you can get a complete restraining order….don’t deny his days but keep a journal of the days and times he doesn’t take the kids or is late picking up or dropping off…..you can also keep inappropriate messages in case you ever need to use any of this as evidence…..keep it professional to just communication relating to the kids no extra drama at all…..What I had to do is get set days by court order and then any requests such as vacations, extra days or time on my weekends had to be given to me via written notice 30days in advance, we even had them sent certified mail so there was no denying that he received letters……..I would say I had to do this for about 16years, my daughter is now 20….but believe me it kept the peace, for the most part……
      I know your hurting and this is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through but in the end the kids are the ones that suffer…..
      Take care of yourself, you are the most important person right now….if mom is good then your kids will be 😊

      1. How do I ever move on with my life and get him to agree a consent order? Currently he won’t agree to sell the house or let me buy him out. I am having to pay the mortgage all bills with no help, but can’t have a lodger or my partner move in without his consent, as his name is still on the mortgage and deeds. Can’t even walk away with nothing because he refuses to take my name off the mortgage or pay it himself, if I move out and give him the house.

  29. Ugh!
    Hi everyone.
    So I’m going ok.seem to get to 10 Days nc but then I contact him. He is polite and not as curt as he was. But enough is enough! I need to get myself together.
    He said we’d stay friends but I needed his specific area of business help today and he said he’d think of someone who might help.
    Ass!!! Didn’t even offer to help.
    I know that the ‘friends’ line was another lie, and that any contact holds me back. But gosh it’s so hard!!
    Anyway, just hadn’t confess the broken Nc.
    I’ll start day 1 tomorrow 😦

    1. @Joelene…a funny brought to you by way of my ex monster….. Several times during our time seeing each other, I’d mentioned to him that he should meet me at the park and walk with me. He was always busy…working. He doesn’t have a job…only a couple of gigs a week as a musician. The other time is spent on the computer doing who knows what. But, today, I get an email from him to please meet him at the park. He needs to start exercising. Bwhahahhahaahahha!!! He said I didn’t have to talk to him. He wants me to show him how to use his new FitBit. I wonder what woman bought that for him….cause, honey, he doesn’t have two nickels to rub together. Bwahahaha. Crazy stuff! No response.
      Hang in there!

      1. Joelene…..No Response is so good, I’m so happy for you….if he’s on computer all the time Fitbit is sooooo easy he just wants an excuse to see you…..stick with it girl, if you can make it to about 3-months that’s usually when they get the hint they don’t have you anymore……..
        Sending strong thoughts your way…….
        Xoxo jeans

  30. Start today!!!!!
    It’s hard it’s tough but you have to stay strong….If you ended on good terms and friendship is even in your vocabulary with him than that’s a positive sign and good terms to leave it on and begin NC again….I remember you had said that he moved on, let him go…..
    He isn’t the one for you, as hard as that is to believe and hear….concentrate on you, take care of you, be healthy and happy for you….it takes time believe me, but it will be worth it…
    Xoxo

  31. I’m somewhere in between my last two stages of grief… I have good days and days of clarity and bad days with a crushed heart. I know it’s temporary but the pain is so very real. I’m learning to go thru it and not around it now. I feel like I am growing up for first time really. It’s not easy when I see all the destruction behind me and I have 2 children to raise. However, I know I can do it. It is not impossible and it is one day at a time.

  32. Why did he end it!!! That keeps going around and around my head!!!! It was fine right up until Tue say he pulled the rug!!!!

    Please help me understand why

    1. Stick with it girl, believe me I know my SP was so convincing and every time I took him back and not even 2-weeks later he would start same bs all over again…….
      I am going on 7months no contact and I can honestly say that not a day goes by that I don’t think about him…..Geeez, I was so in love with him but it is getting easier…..I’ve had to do some major soul searching and healing, almost completely changed my life around….I was the type that would do for everyone 1st before me and now I’m taking back my life. I’m doing healthy things for me, I’m doing what I like and want for a change and I’m actually really starting to enjoy my new life…..I do not and will no longer tolerate the BS and I can recongize it a mile away now…..And my soul searching has been no joke, I had to take my healing seriously, reach out for help, I continue to do extensive research and really work on myself everyday…..
      Sending loving, healing thoughts your way, Joelene….
      Are u in the states?
      Jeansxoxo

      1. Thankyiu jeans
        I’m in Australia. He has never tried to get back with me in all the times he ended it. I didn’t even ask if we could patch it this time.
        I just feel like I deserve an answer as to why

      2. Wow, Austrailia is kind of too far to offer to go out for coffee and give you a big hug?
        Which part are you asking why to?
        In my case, I do have a lot of why’s too but I kind of did my own investigating and from our relationship, his previous relationship and the one he is in now it’s clear to me that he was just using me….And he would have said or did what ever he had to do to use me just like he did prior to me and after me….bottom line he needed money, a car and a place to live….he had low self esteem, he was an insecure addict who used his some what good looks and masculinity to seduce me, manipulate and bully me…..and when I completely exposed him and he could no longer manipulate me he threw me out like a piece of garbage….I may never ever know why? Did he mean any of those things he said(horrible and good) did he love me? And the sad reality that I have to face is no it was all a big fat fake lie and that’s just heart breaking and sad but I have to stay strong, we have to stay strong!!!! Together !!!!!

      3. You give me strength and inspiration 🙂 my ex sp used me also but only in ways that I volunteered for (sewing, paperwork etc). I do know he kept his previous rship limping along so she would help him with paperwork etc too.
        I’ve restarted nc and up to day 2

      4. That’s a great start….again😊Keep it going…..I wrote my self a letter with goals if I made no contact for a month I would reward myself and I’m almost at 7……my big one will be a trip to Hawaii of I can make it 1year….even if I have to go by myself I’m going…..Have a goodnight, Joelene…Tomorrow is day 3 😊

      5. Well I broke nc. long story he said he should have ended it 2 yrs ago and I should move on. Closure I guess

      6. Well, you should still go to Hawaii. Because now you know it’s well and truly over. With my ex, he’s just opening the door enough to make me feel hopeful. But there is no hope. We need to nurture ourselves and know that we are better than those jerks. Not just know, but believe.

      7. Hello Never again, I’m the one that wants to go to Hawaii and I’m still at NC and in a few days I will be at 7months……
        What a rush and a heartbreak at the same time to hear from your SP after all this time…..if I were you and I know it’s hard but resist the urge to respond but it’s nice to know he’s sorry if he truly is let that be your last memory of him……and give yourself time and maybe someday you will be in a better place with your marriage whether you stay married or not do for you first and everything else will work out……
        Joelene, what happened ? He said what? He said he should have ended it 2years ago snd you should move on!!!! Okay start NC again tomorrow…..you can do this you will be much happier I promise …..

    2. I’m AUSSIE too! And YEP…there are HEAPS of the PSYCHO bastards around…be vigilant! BEST NEWS…they ALL behave the SAME & U have had a front seat at the lecture…don’t forget what U were taught. Emotional brainwashing & gaslighting can be one of the worst things U could find urself caught up in….there is NO law against it & sociopaths know that….all because U are willing to TRUST possibly a lil too quickly…possibly coz ur job expects it of U…possibly coz the ppl u’ve known before were quite trustworthy. Then along comes the arrogant (even gd-looking, work successful) SOCIOPATH!!!! BUT he’s a pathological LIAR & just can’t help himself. GO delve into his history, if he hasn’t hidden it so well. ALL women are just C**T…they are misogynists…as a WOMAN, U are seen as a pelt on a belt…DON’T go there! There are good men…make it ur mission to find them…not be HUNTED by defective predators.

  33. I’m reaching out b/c my sp contacted me again (it’s been 2 1/2 years no contact). First he texted a few days ago and then emailed yesterday and today. We live in different states. I was in MI, he’s in MO, but I recently moved to CA. He was in MI and wanted to see me. He doesn’t know that I moved and it’s too recent to show up in public records. He kept me unbalanced through the entire 4 yrs we were together and never told me he was living with his ex wife (who he moved back in with right after his fiance died from breast cancer). Long story short, his email was poignant (bringing up memories of when we were kids and how he went back to the old neighborhood and our school was gone), said he went to a funeral (didn’t say who died), and said “I’m sorry” but didn’t say sorry for what. Then went on to say he was sad I haven’t responded to him. I’m back with my husband, but I’m in a bad marriage (it’s a marriage of economics for us both), and I still love S., but know that he’s classic sociopath. I mean, how could he just contact me as if nothing had happened? I’m confused and wondering if I should do a one on one with you. I need to stay strong, but in my dreams I think maybe he’s changed and misses me. I know from your posts that this is impossible, but my heart is hurting again. I wish he hadn’t contacted me. I don’t have the strength to block him permanently from phone and email. I always felt he would contact me someday, but I wasn’t prepared for it being now.

  34. I just read all these comments, and they’re reminding me of why I left. The lie that I discovered, about him living with his ex wife, was the ultimate betrayal. I still feel so stupid for going to Kansas City and paying for a hotel and looking for work there and thinking we had a future. And him making excuses for not inviting me to his house. What an idiot I was. As one of the posters said, an angel and the devil in one person — the highs were high and the lows were devastating and more frequent than the highs. I clearly am not over him, tho, and wonder if I ever will be.

  35. Thank you for your comment. I need the positive reinforcement. I’m so distrustful of him that I wonder if there even was a funeral or did he make that up to try to lure me into feeling sorry for him (which he was really good at doing) and meeting up with him. He was always a victim. Still is, saying how sad he is that I won’t respond, how allegorical it is for his life, blah blah blah. Trying to turn the tables on me and make me feel bad for not communicating when he’s the one who lied to me (about a number of things) and then never answered my emails when all I wanted were answers. But as Positiva said, they lie about everything. Nothing that comes out of their mouths is ever the truth, and my guy was sooo smart. I’m smart too, but my mind doesn’t work in the twisted way his does so I was always at a disadvantage. Glad that I have a place to write this where people understand, b/c my friends/family could never understand why I stayed with him for so long (4 years of long distance torture) or how I could love him.

    1. TRUST UR INSTINCTS HERE! Stay strong…coz sociopaths DON’T change! Just picture him as the soulless lonely EVIL person (he is) behind a computer one day…snickering how long it may take for U to bite! Knowing ur kind nature…testing if U maybe alone. DON’T get caught up into their EVIL game. Just picture him as the sad LOST individual he is…with a mental disability U are NOT responsible for & certainly can’t heal. If U want to respond…I advise U do so…but, KEEP it in a private document & NEVER send it. Look back at it in time…& U will notice how quickly he stonewalled U once again…it’s what they do. Just realise he possibly sent out heaps of txts that very SAME day to MANY past women when he’s really at a LOSS. Normal respectful ppl don’t do that.

      1. Thank you for the reminder. He has been calling almost daily for the past 3 weeks. Never leaves a message. I don’t answer, but haven’t blocked him. I know I need to do that. I have a trial coming up in May for an auto accident I was involved in (not my fault, and my insurance co. is taking it to trial) the last day I saw him, nearly 3 years ago. I honestly believe he’s calling to see if his name has come into this somehow. He was always so paranoid about everything. In a way, I like that he’s calling and I’m not responding b/c it makes me feel good to know the show is finally on the other foot. However, I’m more than a little nervous that he may show up at the courthouse. I need to be on guard.

      2. I hope that you are feeling better. Was sorry to read on FB that you’ve been ill and in hospital. I’m afraid to post on FB in case the sp in on there and would obviously see my name. I know. Now I’m the one who sounds paranoid. But he is definitely a troll.

      3. Strangely, I don’t block either…I like to see if they come back – BUT, I won’t respond. If they were abusive…I would…but, I’d also contact police to keep tabs. Sociopaths are very sneeky & PLAY to not abuse the LAW…but, U know their GAME. They want to know if U’ve moved on in life…so, I suggest U do…happily!

    2. Seriously? 3yrs and he has never come back until a court case? I smile on U friend…I bet U KNOW what he’s up to. Learn something from a SOCIOPATH….look after urself FIRST! Even if U have a HEART…U have to be sensible. Take care.

  36. OMG! Thank You so MUCH for this website! Why didn’t I google anything about this matter before? I just found out that I broke up with a sociopath and reading all this inclusive your comments… oh man… it’s all there… indeed it even sounds like a script. I’m just happy and relieved to know that I am not alone and there is someone out there that I can relate with… I don’t know about my previous relationships… I think I had it all… from a narcissist to a sociopath (last one)… but I have been struggling for years with nasty relationships 😦 Even the father of my son… And it seems so hard to explain to the world even to friends what you go through… There are so many twisted and subtil small things they seem to do… gosh. I think this last relationship was an eye opening to me… pfew… I am already doing some cognitive and behavioural therapy… it’s helping a lot but I think I still have lots of work to do… and I just realized that I really need to work on my self-love and learning how to be alone and enjoy myself… I think only then I will be able to stop being a victim of this kind of destructive love… 😦

  37. Hello.
    I’ve found this website and shared my emotional rape story back then. It’s been 1.5 year since we broke up. And I am still not ok. There are reasons behind this. First, I was contacted him at my weak times. We’re living in different cities so I don’t have any chance to see him but a few months ago, he came to visit his hometown which I currently live. Before that, his sister reached me and we’ve met. I just wanted to show her that I am not crazy or anything and her brother is a cruel sociopath and she should protect herself alsı. But things turned differently. She said, he wants to be with me again, even he’s thinking about proposing me. I never believed this. But I was not strong enough to say no to see him, 10 days after this conversation, he came and reached me. And we’ve met. He was finely dressed and had a gift for me. A custom made symthsonian notebook. (I like to write and read a lot) I felt cold, anxious and empty. And thought it’s nice that I survived from him.

    But after that evening, I’ve started to thinking about him a lot, and our contact continued. We’ve met 4 times at that 2 weeks. Nothing sexual happened. Only nonsense conversations about our past relationship. Whatever. As you can see, I’ve drowned myself at that dangerous place again. After he gone went back, he reached me multiple times. But not in a special way. He tried to ‘confess’ things like ‘girls are just a game to me. ı found myself researching about sexdolls ı guess ı have a problem but it’s fine. i’m sure i’ll have a secret agenda in every relationship ı’ll have’ etc. First I reacted calmly. But then, it caught my mind. And I told him that I have to block him and never contact him again cause I feel vulnarable, get exicted when he writes and it’s a huge problem.

    After a while I’ve started to feel depressed, very very depressed. (I’m 2nd type bipolar on medicaton) I’ve thought about suicide a lot. But then decided to seek help. Changed my pshyciatrist, started a new set of medication, an nowadays still trying to cope with life.

    What am I seeking here.
    First, I am so terrified about to see him with someone new. But still stalking him.
    It’s exhausting. Second, I still miss him i guess. And don’t want to feel this way anymore.

    I’m %100 percent sure that he is a sociopath. And I wwant to survive.
    Please give me some advice about letting go or something that helps with this.

    I am in a bad phsiycal and mental shape right now. He destroyed all the good in and about me. And I miss myself more than i miss him.

    Everyday, I am starting from the beggining. But it doesn’t seem that I’m getting better.
    I’m determmined about NC (finally) but it’s not easy. I wanna write him hateful e-mails, I wanna reach his family and friend about who he really is. But I know these are useless and bad idead for me.

    Pelase give me some strenght to hang on!

    -selin

  38. Thank you for this website. I have read a lot of it. Some pages more than once. It’s very helpful for analyzing what I saw.

    I think I too may have dated a sociopath. She was married. She didn’t talk about that when we first met (online). Then as we were talking about meeting up she mentioned it but said she wasn’t happy. She definitely needed to see me to explore our connection.

    It was a very fast connection and she did show a lot of the mirroring we hear so much about. So many of our goals and dreams matched. That happened before we met the first time. And everything was good. She was charismatic and larger than life in her field. At least she talked about it. She had many signs of success, but I don’t know if she was quite as successful as she made out.

    It was like soulmates — love and soulmates and futures were discussed a lot. I do remember at one point questioning how quick it was going and how serious it had gotten. But I didn’t think on it. I just said it feels right, go with it.

    Eventually the husband found out and took her phone from her for several days (or so she says) and blocked me from her Facebook. We still found ways to talk for a few weeks after that. She told me she definitely wanted to leave him. We worked on a plan out as she said she was scared of him because he had been violent to others (one of her older children and one of her ex-boyfriends before they married). She supposedly had a place set to move into and a plan to have friends with her 24 hours a day until things cooled down.

    Well a week ago we were working on those detailed plans to get her out of the marriage. The next day she told me she needed time after her and I had a minor disagreement the prior night. Next thing I know she is posting on Facebook about a trip she was taking with her husband last weekend and how fun it was going to be (I used a different account to see as I was blocked).

    I called her out on it in some messages and she stopped responding. We haven’t talked all week.

    I am shocked, but less upset now than before (during the relationship I would get upset when she would tell me she wanted to be with me and then stop communicating with me and show loyalty to her husband).

    Her and I did message briefly today and she said “it just wasn’t our time” and she was “too tired” to leave her husband.

    A little money wasted on plans and gifts, but not a ton. And a lot less than others have lost. I guess I am luck.

    Is it usual for things to end so softly? She seems to be on to her own thing. And I am on to mine. I am back to day to day and working on my future plans I had before I met her. Not much has changed there.

    Missing my great friend (at least I thought she was). But she is just gone. There is a void and I am just kinda surprised by it all. I mean I am OK. I am just surprised. And there were a lot of unfinished plans.

    Anyone else had this experience?

  39. you’ve shone light into the darkness of my despair. love to join u on the journey back to the light on yr new blog – details?
    I too now need to focus on me and not the betrayal
    thank you

    1. Hi Ann, I am staying here for now. I am here working on posts. But have almost writers…. well I cant stop writing I have so much to say! … is there anything you would like me to write about?

  40. The love bombing is not obvious, he was childlike and seemed emotionally naive.
    imy situation was perfectly paced, a slow subtle seduction. I was comfortable he was extremely patient.
    I can now confirm I was not exclusive, he has overlaps in all of his whole relationship history.
    It must weigh them down remembering these vast catalogues of lies, tell the truth you don’t need to waste limited energy remembering. intelligent or stupid ?

  41. I’ve often wondered the same thing? How could he remember all those lies and remember the story development in all of them. He has a wierd obsession with soap operas and you could ask him ‘whos this character’ and he’d say ‘oh that’s so and so, she married x but had a baby to y, and then the baby developed xxx condition and was adopted by z”. He was like a catalogue of soap drama storylines. Maybe I was a storyline in his? And he has an uncanny knack for keeping up!!

    Also what you said about overlapping. His brother never left a gf without having the next one already underway. My ex sp would make fun of this and make fund how the brother pretender to be a big family man at the beginning of each new rship. Low and behold, he does the exact same thing!!! For all his anger at his brothers hypocrisy!! He was exactly the same!

  42. Hi Positivegirl & everyone !

    I love your down to earth forum /support group “keeping it real”, which seems to be the only friend I have at this point ! Poitvagirl ,your amazing Post nail these disgusting gremlins ,who walk into our light then steal it for their own w/ice cold dirty hands ! The facts and truths you post here are Helping me to heal . Helping me to hold my head up ! I want to say thank you all , I am so grateful for your presence !

    Here i am,Facing the pain head on & The cold slap in the face, wakeup call & the reality of just what I have sunk to , low as I can go! For the last few months I am finally making an effort to look up ,straining forward ! There is beauty still ; now I can look up at the sky & just be grateful that I am standing ! From these ashes I will get my fire back ! From way up there, It was a long way down to the bottom of the barrel, I found myself unable to crawl out of. A very lonely place .Now, I will get past this ptsd since after crashing then not able to deal with the burn; At times, it’s 1 step up & 2 steps back,yet now there is at least Movement . For months on end,I was unable to get out of bed . No one gets it ! But here YOU absolutely do ; The betrayals, the smear campaigns, leaving me in ruins, the sociopath’s wrath bc of self exposure of the Mess he created ,as I was the only witness. There is no limit or ending ,only circles of the most earth shattering deceit, lies and misery at our expense ; unbelievable, to the point of exhausting, unbearable excruciating painful emotional injuries; The Slimy Baracuda moves moved on like a locomotive speeding down the track leaving his train wrecks behind, nevertheless w/o blinking an eye ,seems like years ago ; I’m sitting here, still with the fallout that hit like an atomic bomb,exploding in my mind,it destroyed me mentally !

    It’s been 2.5 years now since the initial beginning of the End ;Once they are done with you,it is The End ! keeping us around, for it is only our will for their use just in case; Believe me they do not make a turn around or come back .Their Lies belong to them only ,keeping his super hero-ego/perfect stellar image pillar model of themselves, never to be disclosed… Once we are onto them ,calculated lies follow in which they have told about us to their family and friends, the deadly lies will only continue to be supported , building reinforced walls of the same – with NO bridges to return ! keeping the division of walls of steel between the one he destroyed & the ones who are on his fave list intact .The sociopath’s Allies,Our Demise ! We are only now trash , known as ‘The Crazies’.. old Chapter finished . New chapter in progress!

    I am now finally moving toward the light , not a moment too soon ,needless to say ! Hahaha…These jerks will eat your soul out,burp, Fart!!! Turn all the way around, don another mask ,echoes to his new subjects,the very words and statements spoken to him from my heart to his ! The truth of the matter is The sociopaths steal our feelings, emotions, beautiful thoughts, passages ,we have placed our patent on ,then echo what belongs with us ,to his other romantic involvements, probably simultaneously as he is also a warm body in our lives as well..
    As a matter of fact , he and i were texting one night while I was working and I mentioned to him , i said , “you know what ? I am noticing that You are only echoing what I say right back to me in your replies! what I write to you ,it’s like you are copying & pasting the same words right back to me ! Shit ! No thought or feelings of his own whatsoever ! just bounces my thoughtful words right back ! He even admitted it in so many words .how did he say it ? It was something like ,”all the love you have for me is returned right back to you” !!! That’s their thing , always evasive ,always elusive . Never really clear;keeping us in the dark with vagueness; Always placing a thread of truth in their responses and the ‘character assassination’ statements about us with a great big bald face lie attached, making their lies seem actually real .. I can never understand the way their brains are hardwired to think and do in such twisted messes … horrible repulsive creatures they are ! Instead of fixing problems between us,their strategy works for them perfectly! discard the old and find a brand new shiny goddess girl that doesn’t require such burdensome neediness & answers due to the siciopaths crazy-making schemes having no rhyme or meaning in the first place …

    all I feel now is hate and Hate is only an emotion that is fine-lined right next to the strongest emotion ever , ‘love’ . Too close for comfort ,the 2 are way too paralell ! .. How I hate every cell in his being now ! I just pray for him every day and the prayer is that God will fight my battles for me, against him ,until this warfare in my soul has ended and my exit is only about never turning around, never looking back ..The Freedom can only be the best thing ever ! So far,I have been NC since December 28th ..he broke our new years eve date after stonewalling me right before and during Christmas holidays ,which I am sure he never planned to keep our new years eve date in the first place to cause more ‘shattering’ of a beautiful occasion paramount of ‘all about togetherness’ . Just to show me in a tragic expression how much I meant nothing to him; hahaha..Then,just laugh at me as he and the skank whore,who is half his age ,schedule her flight and make detailed plans for their holiday togetherness . Good ! Away with Him ! He brought it on himself! Hahaha

    I am still here !It didn’t kill me! I am stronger than I know! The scars on my soul are there . But it’s much better than the lacerations he placed on my soul in those same Ole childhood wounds ,cutting them wide open! Im feeling & Healing ! The tears that are flowing so freely down my face are only decluttering ,detoxifying the garbage he placed on me,carrying away all the waste & debri of the arsenal he used to try and destroy me with ! Tuff titty for him , I am still here & I am coming back to life to live my NEW dreams! The dreams he instilled in me were only rubbish resulting in masses of destruction! The thing that is causing the pain will be the same thing that will let freedom Ring ,removing the wrecking emotional ball and chain he left behind there in his place. Good riddance little boy, you are the one who has the napoleon complex!

    1. Hi and welcome to the site melinda!! 🙂 How well you write! 🙂 I am sorry that you are crying But i also understand the need to get the toxins of evil out of your system. As isn’t that what they are? I am pleased that you are coming back to life, yay well done you!! 🙂 Also well done for NC since Dec 28th!! He is so last year…… no place for him in this one!! 🙂

  43. He’s brought my inner demons back, the ones I fought so long to get rid of and I’ll never be able to forgive him for that. I want to message him and get my anger out but I know he won’t care. I thought I was strong and fine and then it hits you and it really fucking hurts. What did I do to deserve this?

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