It can be difficult either being in the relationship with the sociopath, or leaving them. They are masters of manipulation and control. Sociopaths will burn your life to the ground, if you hang around with them for long enough.

It can take some time to rebuild your life, rebuilding your social networks. Or even trusting someone again. Additionally you might find it difficult to explain to those close to you (if you have anybody left) how you are feeling.

Facebook can be great, but it uses your personal information, and maybe you want to stay anonymous. Please use this page, and the comments, to drop by to say hi. How are you feeling today? How is your day going? On a scale of 1-10 how are things going for you?

Comments come to this site, all over the site, but as a reader you wouldn’t see this. So that you know you are NOT alone, drop by and say hi. Know that you are NOT alone, there are thousands of people every day reading this site. Say hi, and support each other.

371 thoughts on “STOP BY AND SAY HI!!”

  1. I am still in shock and disbelief about my sociopath man that I fell completely head over heals in love with………I lived in a complete nightmare for over 2-years, I almost completely lost everything and wanted to end my life…
    I can’t not believe that someone can be so evil and heartless…..I truly wanted to believe that he loved me, that we were soulmates, that I was the most beautiful women in the world to him and that I was his world….I was in complete denial, completely blind to the truth….All he wanted was to use me, give him a place to live, a car, money and all he did was take, he gave nothing back at all…..and when I would question the truth about a story or situation that didn’t make sense or that I thought was a lie he would call me crazy, insecure, if I would push any issue he would become out of control angry, verbally and physically abusive….He cursed me out and called me the worst names you could imagine….it wasn’t until the final beating that I finally had enough but this time I was confronting him on the truth regarding the fact that he has a new fiancé whom is pregnant supposedly with his child while still seeing me at the same time, letting me buy him a car, pay for his car insurance, give him money, buy him things, pay for our dinner dates and excursions….wow, I feel like a complete stupid fool….and not sure I can recover from the deep pain, sadness and humility….
    I see now that my story is familiar and this website describes my life exactly for the past couple of years but my biggest question right now is should this new girlfriend/fiancé/victim who is 1/2 my age and carrying his child be told the truth about the sociopath that she is planning on brining a child into this world with?

    1. Hi jean, I am presuming from what you have said that you have only recently split? I understand the pain of betrayal, like being stabbed in the knife and the back at the same time. I promise you this, you will heal and recover. No matter how bad it is. Once I thought I would never recover, I did….. and you will too. It is a process. The first stage, is shock and disbelieve. Now is the time to go NO CONTACT have no contact with him. Remember she has a life of hell ahead of her, trapped with a child. He wont treat her better, likely worse. I also suffered huge financial losses too. Do you have support around you, people that understand? x

      1. Hello,
        I do have some support, but most of my co-workers, friends and family gave up on me….they mostly think that I’m pathetic and it should have been so easy to dump him and walk away….I have tried the no contact at least 40’s(no joke) I had to even get a restraining order a few months back and we were still in contact for 10months…until this last final blow out….
        But everyday, I look to see if there is an email or if he has tried to reach out to me….since he’s been blocked a million times, he would email or reach out through co-workers or our acquaintances…..he would act concerned for me, worried, say he missed me, loved me so much and could not live without me in his life….he has never blocked me, but his time I’m pretty sure Ithat I am blocked… maybe it’s more devistating because he has moved on and we are really over this time for good!
        I started talking with a positive life coach and she has helped tremendously….
        And from what I’m reading, I need to take back my life and do things for me(which is hard cuz I’ve always put everyone else’s needs first). I am trying to reward myself each week that I make it with no contact….but I am sad and lonely. Even though our relationship was extremely unhealthy and deteriorating, I have never been more attracted to a man, intense passion, when it was good it was the best feelings I have ever felt, like a high on life…I was more motivated and alive…until I wasn’t……
        Part of my deep sadness comes from him being so remorseful and sorry at times he would beg for my forgiveness, I would think that I actually made a break through that he wanted to and could change and not more than a week would go by and he would start the cycle all over again….I began to see the patterns, familiar body language, facial expressions, his stories and lies never added up never made sense, until I just stopped believing him all together and when everything came crashing down in the end, every suspicion, every red flag, every uneasy instinct that I had was correct…..
        I was absolutely correct in my accusations, if I was so victoriously right why do I feel so devastated and emoty inside?
        Sounds like you don’t think I or anyone should let his new victim know that he is a sociopath? And I should probably not try to explain my side of the nightmare to his family and our mutual friends whom he has told that I am a complete psycho crazy person? I so much want to give my side, clear my name in a way but probably should have no contact with them as well?
        I really appreciate your feedback and am so grateful and happy to have found this website…….

    2. I used to wonder how women could get sucked in by sociopaths until I got sucked in by one. I am so fortunate I caught on VERY quickly (probably because I read a lot of Ann Rule books and also studied mental health pathologies to help me spot people that should be avoided.)

      In spite of all my knowledge I still got sucked in. Thank God, only for a short time, but that was only fortunate timing, where a bunch of REALLY questionable stuff happened in just a very short time. He’d have been able to string me along for YEARS if those things hadn’t happened in rapid-fire succession, faster than he could make up lies and excuses. (He is a good manipulator but really lousy at at-libbing lies. I think he’s just not very smart.

      When I found out he had a live-in girlfriend he’d been hiding from me, I was so devastated. I had thought he was the answer to 17 years of prayers for a man who would love me as I am. Turned out all I was to him was free labor and and an ego boost. When he would pull up outside my house I’d come bounding out to greet him like a Golden Retriever whose master had come home. That HAD to be a rush! I’m ordinarily very strong, smart, and independent so he probably viewed me as a particularly gratifying conquest. He had me almost literally eating out of his hand.

      It’s only by the grace of God that I didn’t get hurt as badly as you and the others here. And other women are even less fortunate — they are killed by their sociopaths. Mine just played me for a fool and got me to clean rental units for him for free, reporting back to him with smiles and kisses about how beautiful the place looked when I was done scrubbing. (Thank God for the gift of chastity or it would have been much, much worse!)

      Having been sucked in by one of these scuzbuckets, now I have much more empathy for women who become totally trapped for years on end. If not for totally serendipitous events and how he handled them, he could have had me going for years. It was THERE that my prayers were really answered, because I prayed about the relationship every single day, sometimes for an hour on end while I was out picking berries or cleaning the rental units.

      What I want more than anything else is for him to hurt as much as I do, but I know that’s impossible. He’s capable of suffering physical pain, but not emotional pain. That’s just how sociopaths are.

      1. Hello Granny,
        And I always thought I was a strong woman but after living through this nightmare and being completely head over heels in love with my sociopath, I can see now why women who are completely beaten and/or hospitalized always seem to go back to that boyfriend or spouse…I was that woman…..
        I was verbally and physically abused, borderline sexual(anything to please him) until the last time we fought he beat me up pretty bad, I had a concussion, bruises and I didn’t press charges…..
        I am so grateful for this website and my recent support from a life coach and new friends in my life, I honestly didn’t think I would make it another day….Xanax would have been the perfect solution but know that I would have taken the whole bottle just to make he pain go away…..
        Take care it does get easier, I’m living proof
        Xoxo Jeans

      2. They can suffer pain, when it strikes their ego. I believe in karma as well and these people will always just be an empty shell of a human being, they will never end up well. I posted my story under 1-1 private consultation, I condensed it a bit because there was more to his manipulation. He would manipulate me into doing things I would never do but thank God it was long distance and we never actually slept together because I would have if we wee near, considering how infatuated I was. Like you, I picked up on his lies quickly so it was short lived. We were lucky in that sense. They have the power to suck you in without you even realizing what’s happening, they drive you crazy to the breaking point.

      3. I think J would feel pain if one of his cars, motorcycles, fireplaces, or stained glass windows was seriously damaged. If he got to choose secretly (so he could amintain his reputation as a Nice Guy)’ I think he would rather lose one of his daughters than one of his cars, motorcycles, fireplaces, or stained glass windows.

      4. How sad. But then people are possessions to them too. Mine had little value for possessions. One year I bought him a camera for Christmas. I didn’t even have a camera myself. He sold it at cash converters within a week and said “I just don’t have the same value for possessions as you do”.

    3. Hello Zelda,
      I had a friend recently point out that I may be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder..I knew that I was deeply depressed, I was sick to my stomach, I couldn’t eat or sleep, I would cry and have panic attacks almost everyday but I had no idea that it may be post traumatic stress…..
      I am still in shock from the verbal and physical abuse, I can not believe that someone can be so heartless and cruel, pure evil…He hurt me so bad so deep, I wanted to end my life just to make the pain go away….
      Thru prayer positive things began to happen,
      I was fortunate to have found this website and began researching, I realized that I am not alone, I was able to reach out for help…I met a wonderful life coach and new friends who have been great support.. I still think of him everyday but my pain is less and less…I am angry, I am hurt but with therapy and time I hope to forgive him and not carry hatred for him in my heart…I can honestly say that I truly loved my sociopath…..
      Take care of yourself,
      Xoxo Jeans

    4. I escaped a extremely violent sociopath and now am trying to rebuild my life. I have met a genuine kind man who is helping me but everything you say is just what I experienced and I am so glad that you didn’t experience the violence I did

  2. Hope you have all had a good weekend. Life is in a much better space for me today. I went to a festival, without the socio in tow, I had fun, amazing highs, just by being without any other dramas or tantrums, or worrying what the socio thought, or having to give someone else my undivided attention. Instead, I was giving my own life attention. Life is a lot better this way. It is true freedom. Something that cannot be understated. It does get better I promise you. If your entire life was taken from you – maybe this will be for the best. Those that are meant to be in your life, will still be there. Those that were meant to not be there, will be gone. Which leaves life a lot more stressfree. Without the socio drama, life is calm and peaceful. You can experience real joy, not the type that is manufactured by the sociopath, moulded and shaped by them, Centre focus on them. Instead I enjoyed lots of things, and people, life had variety and life is growing again. Life will never grow with a sociopath. It is a dark world, even if they give the illusion that it isn’t it is really dark – misery loves company – if your heart is broken, give it time. See it as a bereavement. One that you can, and will heal and recover from. However, if you refuse to go no contact,and keep in contact, this will only prolong the pain. Things will never improve with a sociopath even if they lead you to believe that they will. Even if they want it to. It won’t and can’t as they repeat same patterns over and over. Always will do. Now is the time to focus on you, and your own life. When you start to do that, you realise just how much energy was given to the sociopath – its a lot, leaving a lot for you. Which brings benefits for you. Being with the sociopath just brings benefits for their lives, always it Is about them. For them, focused on them. Now is the time to bring back the focus to you, and your life.

    Remember – they will get karma, not if…. but when….

    If they are with someone new – they will be the same with them, as with you. THey might seem different, as they are mirroring someone else, being them. not you – but their need to destroy, own, conquer, and win the race (that you hadn’t even entered) – will be all that matters. Stupid I know, but is the way that they operate.

    1. Well said!

      I wake up in the morning freshly in shock over having what I thought was the love of my life blow up like popping a balloon. I lay there and want everything he pretended to be to actually be real, for the things that got through to me what I was dealing with to just be misunderstandings, etc. But I come to sites like this and read again what sociopaths really are and remind myself that I was in love with a fictitious character, not a real person. For all the reality I might as well have been in love with Mr. Darcy or Han Solo. I try to treat it all as a fantasy I immersed myself in, the feeling of being so loved and accepted and cherished.

      I was sucked in and betrayed and used, and that’s humiliating, but it’s not a bad reflection on me. It just shows that I have the capacity to love and trust and to truly, deeply give of myself.

      I also made a playlist of songs — my “Stay Strong” list, including Sunny Came Home and Independence Day (there’s something VERY satisfying about belting out a song about a woman who got fed up with the **** and torched the house) and Goodbye Earl. Donna Summer’s “I Will Survive.” I refuse to listen to any sad, wistful songs at all. They’re all of the “Up yours, loser!” variety.

      Yeah, I still end up laying on the couch crying or staring at the wall in abject misery, but the music, these sites, sympathetic friends, and reminding myself that I’ve survived worse than THIS loser really help.

      That, and Xanax!

      1. It is tough, I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time. It is hard, missing the person that you thought they were. Realising that the rest was some fictional fairy tale just to get what they wanted. That they turned off like a tap, when it no longer suited them or their needs. I am sorry you are hurting.

      2. Oh I feel like I finally found people who may be able to help!! I have been in a rship with a man for 4.5 years and found out 2 years ago he was lying about things, and then recently he was lying about everything!!! Im so desperate for someone to talk to about it.

  3. About a month ago, my sociopath ex ended things during a fight about why she was always lying and abusing me emotionally. She had threatened suicide if i left her but on the day of the fight, she decided that she was done with me and told me it was over and that i pushed her to this and she refused to speak to me ever again. She even treated my parents like dirt. We are in school together and sit next to each other, so you can see that i cannot do full no contact. She now has began dropping hints that the entire relationship was a mistake and that she wishes we never had it. I have to watch her move on and treat her new person so well and be all kind and loving and i am starting to feel its my fault that she left. Maybe she is not sociopath (even though all the signs are there) and maybe it is my fault. It is very hard and i know she still tries to have control and make me uncomfortable in the most subtle ways, i don’t know how to deal with this. I am not doing as bad anymore and am really working on myself but being forced to watch her move on is killing me! 😦

  4. Hi
    I’ve just realized my bf of one year is exact this and threw him out at the weekend. We have broke up tens of times because of his behavior, and always get back together I just hope this time I have the strength to stay away.
    I know he’s got this personality disorder, and he’s tried to make my family hate me, so that he can isolate me. But I do miss him. I can’t get my head around the fact that he probably never loved me, more of a love rival. He was a charmer and fell for it. I’m embarrassed, sad and lonely. How could I miss someone who just wanted to feed from me, and our relationship wasn’t real almost like an illusion. As sociopaths do not have love emotion he probably never loved me. He’s blocked me now after I threw him out as he trued to manipulate me again. I don’t know why I feel sad and I miss him. I should want more from a relationship. It’s horrible x

    1. Hi Sam welcome to the site!! Yes they see everything in life as a competition. You miss him as he cut you off from life supply. He has no power you are the strong one here as u can survive alone!!.

    2. yeah, it’s the insane business of missing J (or rather missing the man J pretended to be) that drives me craziest. My heart still skips a beat when I hear a motorcycle or car come down the alley where I live, because I became so conditioned to associate that sound with the amazing good times J and I had together.

      I actually tried a couple of times to talk to him and give him a chance to really be sorry and ready to repent, but he (thank God!) remained firm in justifying his behavior, and that was what finally moved me from “That S.O.B is at least going to do the home repairs he said he was gonna get around to after we got his rental units fixed up” to yelling at him to get out of my life and STAY OUT and evidently he got the message because on his way out he grabbed the expensive power saw he had been keeping here pending one repair he had promised.

      I can’t block his phone calls with the phone service I have, so he is still on my contacts list but he is way at the bottom under the name “Weinerhead.” That was if he tries to call I can reject the call. I doubt that he will try it though. From things I have heard I was a trophy to him, a chance to bring a smart, capable, independent woman around to meet his friends instead of the women one of his former tenants told me he usually was seen with: “A different one every time I saw him, and half of them crackheads.”

      Fortunately I am getting a lot of support from the pastor at the second church J brought me to, and the wife of a friend he had met there. She was the one who pointed out that I was just a trophy to him.

      Sorry for rambling. This is only the second morning since I dumped him that I haven’t needed a xanax to keep myself from shaking and crying.

  5. Yes that is true!!! He cannot survive alone as he is 37 and will not live alone and still lives with his parents! Even tho he has access to his own place, he still chooses to stay at his parents every night of the week. 🙊

  6. I just left my sociopathic boyfriend of 6 months, 5 days ago.. I miss him. I only just realized in the last 5 days that he IS a sociopath and that he probably has BPD-borderline personality disorder- which after researching now I see there is not much difference between the two. My heart is mangled. He put hands on me, which I have never had a boyfriend do to me before. He completely fucked my mind and manipulated me to no end. I am left with WHY. And how? I know he is crazy I know that I am the sane one. Yet my mind still goes in confusing circles of trying to understand and reason. Thankfully he wasn’t successful in isolating me because I have 3 amazing siblings who support me and knew he was bad from the start. I wish I would have been smarter. Even though I have a great support system I feel so fucking alone, empty, as if I have completely lost who I am. I wish more than anything he would have just left me the fuck alone the first time I found out his lies but decided to forgive and forget.. I can not forget our memories now.. The amazing ones that felt so real it almost felt surreal. And even the bad ones, which also felt so real they were surreal… If that even makes sense. I feel I am losing my mind. I have been heartbroken before, a few times. And this… THIS is something different entirely. I had no idea heartbreak could get this bad. I could sit here and tell the details of this relationship but it would probably just sound like all the others on here. I’m not sure why I am even posting this. I am now couch surfing.. Trying to find a place to call my own while also trying to find a job (because he made sure I didn’t work nor have my own money) feeling the lowest I think I have ever felt in my 25 years of living. Not sure what I am looking for. Maybe some REAL understanding from people who have been in this similar situation…

    1. hey Jes,

      i know just how you feel, it’s heartbreak like nothin’ you ever could’ve imagined. and i know exactly what you mean about the stuff that felt amazing and surreal. so many of us speak of how we felt the most beautiful energy we’ve ever felt in these connections, and then they become the darkest most horrible people we’ve ever known. i feel like that’s the part that makes it all so confusing and hard to heal from… angels and devils in the same connection.

      i don’t quite know how to explain it in words that don’t sound crazy, but i believe there is a spiritual reason beyond what we can understand for why we go through this. like some bigger energy draws us to these horrible people to put us face to face with all of our worst fears and take us through hell and back, and it’s all with the purpose to get us to shed all of the layers of who we are not. and when we are stripped of everything we thought we were and feel like there is nothing left, we have no choice but to seek deeper within ourselves to discover who we are truly meant to be… no matter how lost i feel, there is always this belief somewhere in me that once we make it through to the other side of this dark place, we’re going to find a version of who we are that is so so much better than who we ever thought we could be.

      someone once told me this… “hold on to the message, not the messenger.”

      what if letting go of that horrible person doesn’t mean i have to let go of the beautiful things i felt. what if those beautiful things are actually part of some bigger connection guiding me through all of this? i’m not quite through the other side yet, but i try to keep my faith in the journey, and trust that the best “me” is waiting, and that those moments of amazing and surreal, were only tiny glimpses of the kind of love i’ll find with the soul that’s meant for my soul. and when it’s with that soul, there wont be any devils mixed with the angels, and there wont be any doubt.

      i promise you’re not alone, and yup we understand ❤

      1. That’s a great response 🙂 Im with you girls- I literally cant stop thinking about how good it used to be (before the lies unravelled) and I cant sleep or think or function. I haven’t ended it yet I just don’t know what to do

  7. I’m 100% positive my girlfriend is a sociopath. It’s the inability to empathize with my pain, the zero apology protocol for anything she does, the blame game where my errors are always discussed as paramount to hers. It’s the mirroring, the coincidences to charm me. The cheating. The denying my feelings and relating to create her on version.
    She is a sociopath.

    However I love her. we dated for 6 months broke up for a year and started sleeping together 2 weeks ago. Things moved very fast. She’s still talking to one of the guys she cheated on me with. I don’t trust her, but I think she’s amazing. I can never distinguish reality from her suggestions and charm and lies and or manipulation, or if I’m just being. Paranoid. I think she’s amazing. We get a lot amazing we do everything together. I want to marry her. But she scares me. she compartmentalizes. I can’t tell if she doesn’t give a shit, or if it’s a protective mechanism. I want to believe she’s a good girl.

    No problems yet. Except that she’s talkin with the guy she cheated on me with (professionally, in real estate work, and she met him when she was an escort.) and she said she’s been talking to some guy overseas but she can’t tell him we’re tougher cause she doesn’t want to damage his career cause he was up for promotion next week and he works with her brother in law. And I’m like who the fuck cares. Anyway. It’s probably gonna end bad.

    1. Hi Michael….
      I know about the amazing part of a sociopath and I wanted to marry mine….I thought he was my soul mate and that I was head over heals madly in love with him…..I still love him….
      I took him back over and over again, everything you’ve described happened to me until the final straw I would have taken him back or at least kept sleeping with him and let him keep draining me dry emotionally, physically and financially but I found out he started seeing someone else and had gotten her pregnant….And this he tried to hide and deny because I had recently bought him a car, paid for his insurance and was still helping him out…I’m not sure how long he would have let me do this until he told the truth, maybe never….but every time I would expose his lies or get close to the truth he would turn it around on me tell me I was crazy, he become so angry and violent…the last time he physically beat me up to keep me from finding out or seeing his new girlfriends things in my/his car…..I guess all I’m saying is that you take her back and everything is good but be prepared for when it’s not…..I think the more I distrusted my sociopath the more our relationship suffered…it got to the point that I had no faith, no trust, I didn’t believe in him and for both that’s a terrible basis for a healthy relationship…..good luck maybe if you both truly love each other you need to clear the air in s healthy way, counseling, hard work and time…..your happy future together is worth at least that……
      Xoxo Jeans

    2. Every time you are tempted to so much as have contact with her, come back here and read and re-read every post. Every moment you spend on a socio is a moment you could have spent with somebody who really deserves your time, even if that person is just you.

  8. Hi! We have spoken before over the years. Under the name kadeedenise. I was dating a man who was diagnosed with aspd. I was his safe zone- once we broke up and he knew I knew his identity. He ended up going to prison for a year. During that year I finally was able to stick to my no contact. He never actually had the chance to hurt me as bad as he could have. It was a whirlwind for a few months- back a couple years ago. Then he vanished- and talked me out of several thousand dollars- but never stole from me like he did so many others. After he manipulated himself back into my life- it was like he confided in me. And I became stuck in this life with him- while
    He screwed over so many others. I am very close with his mom. And his entire family. I know he cares about me in the only way that he can. I am in a committed relationship- and have an 8 week old baby girl now. As well as two older boys from a previous relationship. He recently was released from prison- and decided to live the right way for a while. Working an honest job. Staying away from drugs, etc. I saw him once when I went to visit his mother- it was our first contact in over a year. Before I met my current boyfriend- I would visit him in jail- but when he was transferred to prison- I disappeared. It was just easier that way. The pain and hurt I used to feel because of him is a distant memory. This website helped me so much. When his mom first explained his diagnosis I had no idea what to believe – it took a long time to believe it. I had seen him show so much emotion. But I know what and who he is now. And even though he treats me differently than he does others- I still can be manipulated by him. Our first encounter was when I brought my new baby to visit his mom- and he showed up. It was quick and a nice visit. But several weeks later- he tracked me down and showed up uninvited to my home- strung out on drugs and trying to manipulate and lie to me. I see straight through him now- mostly thanks to this website. I am so glad I got out when I did. I don’t know what is worse- the pain when you’re in the fog. Or being on the other side and really knowing how screwed up he truly is. He tried to live right and just can’t do it. He has mentioned before how hard it is To be inside his mind. And even when he wants to do right- his impulsiveness and need to control situations gets him in trouble. Sad thing is- he is so intelligent. A smart sociopath is dangerous. He could convince anyone the sky was green… He is handsome and funny. And all of those great sociopath traits. But he is empty inside. We hoped he would continue to live the right way- but we all knew he would get bored. And he is now on the war path. He loves to commit crimes and get over on others. It’s very sad. I truly loved him. Even with his mental illness. I unconditionally loved him- even when he confessed to so many terrible things. But I fear he will never let me go because I showed him a different type of love and always was there for him- without enabling him. It is so sad to me that people live this way. It is an amazing thing to be able to love. And feel. Even the pain I’ve felt- i would rather feel that than nothing at all. I know so many people hurt from the damage a sociopath can do- I was there, for years. And it’s unfair that the way I passionately loved him- I can’t seem to feel for anyone else. Even in his worst days- I deeply loved him. But I’m smart enough to let him go. Because he has done so many terrible things to people- and is capable of anything. I just don’t think you ever really get over the trauma they put you through. The mind control and manipulation is hard to wrap your head around and explain- I’m glad you are able to do it so well and help others. You saved me by teaching me enough to save myself. For those stuck in the fog… It gets easier. I have learned not to explain his diagnosis and what it means- because unless you’ve lived it… You just wouldn’t understand!

  9. Howdy positiva and other readers;

    Hope you’re doing well positiva, you are right I would probably never leave a comment on Facebook since my friends and family would see my “dirty laundry”. Heaven forbid I’d still be struggling with getting past my ex. There is no end of judgement that comes with that sort of talk.

    My last run in with my SP was only a month ago! After he broke 14 months of no-contact last March I patiently played along and gathered as much information from him as possible as he came and went from my life doing his little SP dance. I then printed it all off and packaged it up and had it delivered it to his new woman. Within 5 minutes I was getting all sorts of nasty texts from him including threats to kill himself. (Don’t worry, he didn’t…like there was any chance a narcissist would hurt himself.) I can’t say this was right or wrong, but I can say I had my reasons, which were at first, just vengeful, but as I learned the truth about HER situations, I really couldn’t handle thinking she really had no clue what he was doing. To those who say she must have known…you have NO idea how good they are at hiding it (at least in the beginning).

    So, back on no-contact now for the past month or so and I am hoping he lasts a full 15 months maybe this time before being stupid enough to try to contact me again. 😉

    Wishing you all peace and quiet!


    1. Good afternoon Blue……
      No contact is going good for me because my SP has moved on and supposedly has a fiancé half my age who is pregnant with his child…..I debated in the beginning exposing him to her and warn her but only ssw it going badly for me and my family….I truly believe in karma and I know his road ahead will not be easy…
      I limit my social media and contact with mutual acquaintances, some people just thrive on the dirty laundry and place judgement without even knowing the truth……I try to stay away from places that I may run into him and her because the pain is still fresh and I know in the long run my life is much better off without him in it…..
      So for now all is quiet around here too,
      Jeans xoxo

      1. Aw Jeans that’s a hard spot to be in. You are very fortunate that he isn’t trying to contact you though. Sometimes not even a new family will keep them from trying to maintain the strings they have around your heart.

      2. Because my SP uses his church-going as part of his deception, I am trying to get church discipline practiced He is a wolf in the fold and the church has a responsibility to protect lost sheep.

        His home church is pastored by a man who was the pastor in a small church I attended for a couple of years before he transferred here. I sent him an email detailing J’s behavior and how he is utterly unrepentant, including pointing out that somehow he never brings MALE friends to church. I am waiting for a response. As I pointed out to Pastor M, if cast out from one church J will no doubt bring women to other churches, but that Pastor M’s responsibility is to the vulnerable women who trustingly walk through the doors at his church.

        Last Sunday I told the pastor of my new home church — that J had brought me to — about all of this, in the context of wanting our next Sunday school topic to be how to respond in a Scriptural way to painful experiences. I found out this week that the Sunday I was out of town following the break up, J showed up at that church with his live in girlfriend! My friend I met at that church said it was all she could do not to blow up at him. I am going to talk to that pastor about telling J not to darken their doorstep unless and until he repents and demonstrates a changed life. That is my church home and they need to focus on nurturing me and remaining a place where my new friend and I can worship in emotional and spiritual safety.

      1. Ohhh yes he was, but my cease and desist letter sent in Dec 2013 was meant as a serious directive and it had serious consequences.

        The truth, which came out very very slowly and took a fair bit of coaxing and coercion on my part, was that he was already living “happily” with the mother of his 5th child when he thought for some reason that trying to seduce me again would be a good idea. He was mistaken.

        I really pity her, she is stuck with him for life now through that child, but I am SO very glad that it is not me! If I had stuck with him and put up with his garbage that would have been my life. No thank you!

  10. Hi I’m new to all this blogging, I’ve recently learned that i too was dating a sociopath, who I met online last September, he was all charming at first saying he had an amazing job, and he travelled a lot round the country with his work, a month into knowing him he asks me to lend him money to fix his car, which I did as he said he would pay me back asap, (obviously he didn’t) so things were going ok, I kept asking for the money back and he kept making excuses, weeks passed and he said he was asking for more as he was skint all the time due to his wages being paid wrong, so I transferred more into his bank, he never seemed to have any money, every time I saw him I had to pay for everything etc, I thought things were getting serious and asked if he was going to introduce me to his friends and family, he kept stalling, and even now I haven’t met them and never will now, I then found out he lied about most things he told me and I still stood by him, one day he called me saying he was in prison and that he was sorry for not telling me, so I stood by him sending him money every week and visiting him, any way the story goes on, but I found out on, Monday that he is a major con artist who charms women into getting money from them, he makes a living out it and has had many victims, me included, I feel violated, hurt and completely destroyed, I’ve lost hundreds and hundreds of pounds, but why am I feeling sorry for him ? He has totally ruined my life xx

    1. Hi Lisa, your story is so similar to mine (I found a copy of it elsewhere the other day and will put it up), Same thing met him online, lied about everything. Had me paying for everything. Only difference in my story is that I was in middle of legal case which was estimated to be worth a LOT of money so he hung on and was nice to me for that. I am sorry that you are hurting and that you have also experienced this. Are you still in contact with him?

      Do you know the biggest thing you need to do is to learn to forgive yourself. it isn’t your fault that this happened to you. Neither does it mean that you are stupid. It is no reflection on you at all. He has poor impulse control, and is an opportunist. Mine was exactly the same.

      He will go on and do the same thing to the next person. I lost thousands, literally thousands. In my case, it was slightly different in that I was traumatised, and it got me through that, so it was worth the money.

      It is still early days, and also a sense of bereavement as you come to terms with the truth that the man that you were in love with, wasn’t the man that you were with. if you go back through the articles from 2013, when I started writing this site, you will probably find a lot of posts that share your thoughts and feelings, as I was there too. As were many others (some of the posts have hundreds of comments).

      Welcome to the site 🙂

      1. Hi thank you for your understanding reply, I’ve not heard anything from him since last Saturday, when he called my house phone begging me for money, saying he was desperate and crying, but I didn’t back down and decided to get the police involved and that’s when they told me I’m not and won’t be the last person he’s done this to, it’s been difficult this week as I’ve now got to try and move forward, but part of me wants to contact him to ask him why he did this, it’s going to be a long road but I won’t give in to him, the police said that he might try and use his charm to get me back as I was a source of income for him, I just wish the feelings would quickly disappear and to not hurt anymore, I’m finding great comfort in this site as I now know I’m not alone and knowing that I’m not over reacting to what happened, I’m going through a roller coaster of emotions, upset, anger, frustration, but deep down its the abandonment and being left high and dry. I’m just in limbo right now and just hope my weakness doesn’t get the better of me xx

      2. Hey lisa, I had this situation too in the summer of 2012. I was heartbroken, and devastated. I loved this man. They said he was a parasite. Police have more history of him than you do. I want you to know that this really is no reflection on you. As it happened to me, and many other people. It means that you are a good, kind person, not a worthless one. I want you to know this.

        No you are not overreacting. it is painful, shocking, heartbreaking to go through and healing and recovery, takes time. it is hard to explain to people who haven’t been there, as they do not understand why you stayed if it was so bad, and why you are upset if it was so bad. But they are master deceivers and illusionists that play with your mind. Read the post ‘sociopath mind control, how it works and its affects on you’….. it can take a while to undo the brain washing but I promise you, how you feel today, you won’t feel forever But you have to cut contact to stop the pain.

    2. As for the friends/Family, I don’t think I met anyone in his world really in the time that I knew him. Not really. There was just me and him. When I did meet people, the odd occasion – he would create it so that I couldn’t see them again. He kept his life very separate. Quite sad really when I think about that. How they do not trust anybody – as they know that they are not trustworthy.

  11. I’m glad I found this website. After dropping out of college for various of reasons (one of them being because of the sociopath partner), alienating all of my friends among other things for the last five years (I’m 23), I finally kicked him out of my life.

    When I was rightfully upset with him for lying or ditching me or standing me up on a date or something, he’d guilt trip ME for being rightfully upset. He wouldn’t talk to me for
    days until I apologized. I lost so much because of him and on a level, knew he waslike this. Everyone told me to leave him or ignore him, but I never could.

    And now, I don’t know how to get my life on track and do anything. I was so used to him being in my life with nothing else but my cat. When I went out with friends, he’d get angry, spam me with phone calls when I was at my parents’. Anything outside of my cat and basic isolation, I’m now alone. When I was diagnosed with uterine cancer last year, he get angry at ME for the stress and “how dare I talk about myself” and when his “daughter” (ex gf’s daughter, he “adopted” her) died, he’d use it as an excuse to party. For the last five years. He confessed to me when he was drunk that he didn’t actually care, he was glad his ex was suffering and that he didn’t have the small bit of responsibility to babysit.

    He treats the girl he likes, like shit and an object. He’s mad she has a boyfriend and stands up to him and got mad.

    Idk. I’m stuck and angry and want to talk to him again but I know that’s not right. I’m in therapy from a suicide attempt and I don’t even know how to rebuild my life. I keep stopping everything for him because he’d get mad for doing stuff while he went and did it. My social skills are very poor and I’m already shy. Idk how to interact with my co-workers and am sure I can’t mend my former relationships at this point.

    This is barely scraping the frosting. Ugh.

    Thanks for this website.

    1. Hi c welcome to the site!! It can take courage to reach out to people. Start with those closest like family, to build your self esteem. Do you have old friends on facebook? May be try with your oldest closest friend and say hi. Even if you havent seen them for a while. But build a support network of family around you first (if your family is supportive) remember it might take time. Take it small. Step by step. One day at a time. Make it a goal to reach out to old friends one at a time to build confidence. You can do this. I promise as more of the old comes in your abuser will be smaller and more insignicant. Also talk to people online about what has happened to you. So that you understand what has happened to you. Keep in touch x

      1. Thanks!

        Yeah, I have a few people but we’re all do different. An ex of mine from high school texted me awhile back but this ex doesn’t live in town but a mutual does, and I’ve recently met a few people but have barely even any social skills left but I’m trying. He’s tried calling me a lot, and admittedly, I’ve picked up a few times but I’ve been trying to distance myself from him more and more frequently. I barely respond to his calling me and wanting me to go to his place, I do respond to his messages on Steam and I’m partially glad he’s trying to “punish” me by ignoring me again.

        I’ll be going back to school in the spring, and I’m already registered for classes and signed up to live in the dorms, so that’s a step I guess?

  12. Red flags where there, but I was lonely and feared being alone. I wish I never met this creepy dirty old man. I met him online dating, he lied about his name, where he lived and his age. He said he was 55, but I think he’s 58, thats’ after I got to know him. From the beginning I knew there was something about him, I got that gut feeling. I thought to myself, I’ll go to dinner and be polite and I won’t see him again. I’ve being on dates before and you know you won’t see the guy again, which is dating, as once you get to know if you want to spend time with them after the initial first date. But it was our first date and and he was in awe of me, I thought, its too good to be true. He’s seems nice I’ll give him a go. I regret it now, he moved too fast, at this time I was having problems with my younger adult children. I was vulnerable and he took advantage of me. He tried to sleep with me on the second date.

    It was a long distance relationship, I didn’t want it, but he talked me into it, and I wished I said No. I never met his friends or family, he never invited me to his home town, he came to my place. I think he is living a double life and wanted to keep me away. I was his secret. It ended in a callous text and he hasn’t contacted me at all. I’ve never met a man like this in my life and after reading the traits of a sociopath he is all the 18, it made me realise I’m not crazy, he’s the crazy one. He used to say to me, you have trauma, and you don’t have to tell me, which i didn’t, by this time I knew it was going to end, it had to, as his lies where catching up with him. He lied about his job too, he said he owned his own business, which is not true, its government funded organisation. Who lies about their job seriously. I’m a lecturer/high school teacher and next year I’m doing a Masters in Arts -majoring in writing, I hope to get my book published next year. I was honest and upfront about my children and oldest son is Downs Syndrome and he lives with me, I’m his full time carer (he’s 23). Nothing but honesty.

    But he lied about his job and life.

    I think he doesn’t even have children, he’s a pathological liar. I have being seeing a therapist, and she said he’s a pathological liar, predator and creepy and she told me to have no contact with him. He has put fear into me, my university is in his home town and he’s afraid I’ll expose him.

    But I won’t. I have better things to do then waste my energy on him. my first priority is my son and my career and living a happy life after the abuse from the sociopath. I’ve learnt a lot, but it was painful, but I’m at the end of my healing and your posts have being very helpful, thank you much. That I’m not alone and there are a lot crazies out there. I wouldn’t want any one going through what I went through, I believe Karma and the universe will get him.

    He has being doing this for a long time, you would think when they get older they somehow stop and settle down. But he won’t he thinks he’s god gift to women, and he’s just a average looking old man, He has his web and all his prey are stuck in the web, but he has lost me, because I used truth to expose the man he is. I felt foolish, but now I’ll will do better without him in my life. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but God rescued me from his evil and vile ways.

  13. I just want to let you know, that this site being here really helps me! Even when I think I’m good about everything, I get my bad days, and this site is right there for me! No one understands what it’s like to have sociopaths coming at you like vultures, this really gives me the support the people in my life don’t. Thank you!

  14. Hi here after my breakup one week ago
    Ashamed to say I have years of experience working in mental health and still got caught out. It wasn’t until I started to think that I was going mad and constantly doubting myself that I realised, it wasn’t me at fault
    I’ve had 2 years of broken promises and lies, manipulated every minute of every day by text and lengthy phone calls. I feel stupid x

    1. Hey Kim, don’t feel stupid. I sometimes wonder whether they see this as a challenge, to be with someone who works in the field. This happened to me too. I think when you do, two things happen 1. You think you can heal and fix 2 Their behaviour is almost ‘normalised’ as you see it every days. I am sorry that you are hurting, you can make recovery, all that they do is destroy your life.

      1. Positovagirl, I know what you mean about wanting to “fix” them. The man J pretended to be was so real to me, and I want that man to be real so much. I want for the fake J to be trapped inside the socio J, wanting to get out and live the life Fake J pretended we were going to have together.

        One thing I recently learned about Real J is that he is a laughingstock at the soup kitchen. He told me he volunteered there, and I knew he ate there a lot but I figured it was his frugality and friendliness meeting. But the volunteer director craxked up at the idea of J volunteering there. The volunteer director referred to J as “a real piece of work” and said he goes there to pick up women!

        This jibes with what J’s former tenant (J owns nine rental properties) told me about how he would show up “with a different girl every day, half of them crackheads” and most of them in their 20s (J is 60) and spending an inordinate amount of time in the garage “doing whatever they were doing.”

        I keep reminding myself of this — how J goes to the soup kitchen to pick up women who are young and living difficult lives, taking them to his nicest rental property to show off the property and the BMW and the Harley-Davidson, then getting sexual favors from them. THAT man is so utterly revolting, and I keep THAT man, cheating on his live-in girfriend with women he picks up at the soup kitchen, at the forefront of my mind. There is no possible innocent explanation for that behavior. Thank God I practice Christian chastity, so I never had sex with J. But just remembering the long hugs and the fleeting kisses from J creeps me out.

        Every day I am able to let go more and more of the fantasy J because the revulsion from the real J is wiping it away.

  15. I feel like I’ll move 5 steps forward and then 10 back. I have posted on here and on your post of the documentary. My ex and I broke up a month ago and have had strict no contact for 3 weeks.(deleted my email, changed my number, I even moved 2 hours away to a new town, got a new job, I have no social networks) As it’s been hard for me as far as being depressed and having anxiety, flashbacks, nightmares of when he beat me,missing him, and constantly questioning my sanity and whether or not I made the right decision. All of that has been hard. But I have not contacted him nor has it been that tempting(strangely, probably because he was even more cruel to me when I left him)Then I had a pretty good few days where I went without crying. And then out nowhere more flashbacks not just of the bad but of all the amazing memories we had before the true colors came out. And I miss him. God I miss him so fucking much. I just had the realization that I really meant absolutely nothing to him. I am one of many women his “ex” wife told me. What we shared or what I thought we shared, was absolutely fake. After living with him and him treating me so well and opening up to me and allowing me to open up to him about things I’ve never really opened up to anyone about and him looking in my eyes every morning and telling me how in love he is with me.. It all felt so real. I have never loved like this before. I don’t know what’s worse: him switching so abruptly to looking in my eyes with so much love to the very next day choking me out on our bed with a blackness and hate towards me in his eyes, or knowing that ALL of the love I thought was there from him was fake? I can’t even wrap my head around either. And so I am left empty. Positivity and good days come and then it’s like another Stab in my heart Out of nowhere . Why? Why? Why is he like this? Why didn’t I trust my first gut instinct?why didn’t he just leave me alone? Why am I so weak? I feel like I need to talk to a professional. I don’t feel okay. I never knew someone could cause another person this much pain. I am not okay…

  16. Hi all
    My relationship is still going. We see each other every day its been 4 years now. I feel the end is near though abd hes puplink away. I also know he’s been on dating sites the last 18mths and i found out he lied about so many things.
    He knows i found out some untruths (we both pretended that it was a mistake on hispart) but he doesn’t know I know it all! So what do I do? How do I walk away and how do I stop being so obsessed!

  17. Hi Joelene-
    My socio finally admitted that he is a liar, that he is sick and that’s how he will always be ….He acted like this is normal everyday behavior and if I loved him I would have accepted his lies and not always be on a truth seeking crusade….The final straw was when I found out on my own that he had a fiancé and she was pregnant with his child……he hid this from me so that I would let him keep my car and I would continue to make payments and pay car insurance…..
    I was so in love and obsessed with him, I would try so hard to ignore the truth and pretend that everything was okay But things always blew up out of control even when I wasn’t inquiring sometimes I think his own guilt would get the best of him or he would try so hard to cover his tracks he didn’t keep track of his own lies…….but at the very least I deserved the truth…..
    No contact has been the hardest thing but I’m coming up on 3-months, once you’ve had enough and make a decision to leave him the most important is no contact….This website has helped me out so much I still can’t believe how almost every story is similar to my own hell of a roller coaster that I have lived for over 2-years.,,.,.you are the most important you need to take care of you first….

    1. One thing Jeans, he doesn’t have guilt. He doesn’t feel guilt. If he pretends that he does, this is a manipulation tactic. That must have been so painful to discover that he had a fiancé and a child. Wow, especially when he had a car from you. The amount of people that they play is just shocking.

  18. Thanks positive girl
    Yes I have children and a life. Totally neglected everything for him. Tonight hes just exploded at me for blowing up his phone. I admit I text more than.him but we are talking 3 texts and one call in 3 hours!
    He.just told me I’m just like jane’ (his ex wife! Who we trash talk a lot! Ouch!!) hes angry but still said ‘i love you!’ now.feel.awful!!! I dont want it to end but I definitely can’t cope if he ends it thinking badly of me!!!

    1. Thing is, if he is a sociopath, he will ALWAYS think and talk badly about you. My ex talked badly about all of his exes and none he is friends with!! Even the one that I think he did love, he said that she cheated on him (she didn’t he did). They always think badly and talk badly about former partners.

  19. I’ve come back…found this site a month ago and realised that many others have experienced what I’ve been through the last 2 years. I broke up with my socio…he’s been promising that the family home will be sold for the past 12 months, then excuses, reasons not to. I doubt now that his wife even knows that he isn’t going back to her
    I managed 4 days before he lured me back. 2 weeks later he is showering me with constant arguments and abuse
    I’m isolated as given up my friends for him

    1. What’s hard is that you can’t “not-do.” “Don’t talk to him.” “Don’t have contact with him.” “Don’t see him.” You need things to DO, not things to not-do.

      DO develop a system to outsmart yourself, to keep yourself from going back to somebody who will only hurt you again and again. If you can’t imagine forever without him, imagine TODAY without him. What can you do today to bring joy or satisfaction to yourself or other people?

      For me, it’s working on my home repairs, restoration, and renovation. I can’t not-call J. But I CAN scrape paint off the old siding and trim above my mudroom. I CAN set up a consult with my son-in-law’s dad to look over some of the areas and get his advice on how to deal with areas of rot. I CAN buy the gutters and downspouts I’m gonna put up. And once I start doing the things I CAN do, I’m not-calling J.

      Another thing that really helps me is to remind myself of who J really is. I have a list in my mind of everything that J would have to do in order to prove to me that he is changed and no longer a scumbucket, and that I would want an AA sponsor to be the one to contact me and present me with evidence that J had done all those things (which I know darned well that J will never do unless Jesus Himself bowls J over and does a total Road to Damascas on him).

      In some ways it’s like the trick they teach in AA — If you want to know if it’s okay to have that drink, put your sobriety chip under your tongue. If it melts, you can have the drink. If J makes amends to the people he hurt before he even met me, if he gets his life in order in ways that can be measured and proven, if he shows REAL repentance, then I will CONSIDER allowing communication. Of course, J will do all of that the day an AA chip melts under a recovering alcoholic’s tongue It’s a crutch. But it works for me.

  20. Need advice please
    OK short version 🙂
    – In a relationship with my sp. Unbelievable words of love, commitment, promises to talk honesty,seeing each other every day for coffee or a hug, or hang out, calling as well, tonnes of texts. All every day. Married by promising to each other in a private moment. All wonderful
    – Two years later – I find out he lied about his name and many other things, Had some arguments. It ended several times, only for a few days.
    – then things were never the same. A few months ago I found out he joined dating sites after our last big fight and I set up a fake profile and he was actively pursuing coffee and sending his photo. Ive also found out more lies (big and small)
    – Here we are at 4.5 years and Im a mess. No self confidence, too scared to raise anything with him, obsessing over his every word. what was meant, what wasn’t said, why would he do or say this or that? Its horrible.

    My desperate plea for your help
    – How do I stop blaming myself for the change from loving to dstant? Should I have handled it better? How can I go back to that?
    – How do I end this without incurring an unreturnable wrath from him? Do I ever want this back? If I do – he wont come if I blame him
    – How do I let go and stop thinking of how it was??

    Thank you xxx

    1. Jolene, it breaks my heart to hear what you’ve gone through.

      You have been immersed in lies for 4.5 years, and you can’t unlearn those lies overnight. Be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. You need time to grieve and to heal.

      Surround yourself as much as you can with supportive people. Run, don’t walk, away from sp as fast as you can safely extricate yourself. If you need the help of a battered women’s support organization, get it. Get to NO CONTACT as fast as you can.

      You are addicted to your sp. He fed directly into the pleasure centers of your brain when he made you feel so special and loved. Hold the ugly truth about him before you and set things up so that when you are tempted to take him back — or indeed to have contact of any type — that you are reminded of why he is poison.

      Breaking an addiction is tough. Try to take it day by day — minute by minute if necessary. Fill your time as much as possible with things that are good for you: work, play, the love of friends and family.

      The fact that you’re here shows that your eyes are opened and you are ready to take the steps necessary to take your life back. You can do this!

  21. I have been reading on your site and it seems to help. I am Mike. I am a 51 year old college professor. I have been married once and divorced for 7 years. I just ended a 2 1/2 year relationship with a women, who is very upstanding in her community. She lived two-hours away so I mostly saw her on weekends.

    Given that the entire time I dated her I always thought she was a little bit of a “gold-digger” but I never thought a sociopath till the last few weeks. Throughout our relationship she always wanted me to buy her stuff. And i did. It was continuous and nearly obnoxious on her part wanting me to buy her clothing, jewelry, furniture, Christmas gifts for her kids etc…in the beginning I always did. As our relationship progressed I became more guarded with money and tried to curb her appetite for stuff. I knew this was not normal but I marked up that she understood love though gifts.

    For the last 6-months I knew something was wrong. In march I had took her to Florida (she never spend a dime) for a week vacation. We went shopping at the malls and I bought her purses, shoes etc. The night we returned home I caught her up 3AM messaging on facebook. He told me she connected with an old high school friend who is now a medical doctor. This guy is 4-times divorced and currently single. I questioned her, she said it was nothing and I honestly I trusted her and paid little attention.

    She had been married once and was a year divorced when we met. She always told me she had never been untrue to her husband or to a partner. She was very sexual too. She had the strongest sex drive of any women I have been with since I have been divorced. She would wear me out. There was only one night that spent with her that we did not have sex and she was severely ill then with a stomach virus. She often boasted that she had to have sex on a biweekly basis from someone. That too I never really thought about.

    I completely trusted this lady until she told me she needed time to herself. Then while we were split it came to me like a revelation…look on facebook and find the Doctor. I finally remembered his name and on his Facebook page he had pictures of them, places they were going etc (when he flew in to town) which was every couple weeks. I was sick. I knew the Doctor lived 800 miles and I never had any idea. But there it was. She was still contacting me regular and she want to reconcile. I gave her the chance and we met and she threw herself on me begged me to take her back. And I did. She confessed to everything with him that I could validate. They were partying and having sex. He was sending her flowers and showering her with gifts and money. But now she want me. Said that know one would ever love as much as I did. I took her back. She even said she wanted to uproot from her town and come to mine to live with me. She also wanted an engagement ring (and a big one at that).

    I agreed to give her a chance, told her no contact with the Doctor. It was good for about a week then I saw one of the ladies from her office who swore me to secrecy and she told me I was a fool to marry this lady or get or a ring or anything because she was opening boasting about the entire ordeal to the office. She told them she had me and the Doctor hooked and she was trying to decide what was best for her. She also told me that everyone in the office was aware that she was also having a relationship with a local high school teacher who she often interfaced with. This was plausible as they often travelled out of town together.

    I immediately called her and ask her if she was having second thoughts about us. She said yes. I told her I was finished. that was 10-days ago and she has contacted me once and I did not reply. The lady from the office also told me the Doctor had scheduled her a flight to come to his house for the weekend just after this.

    She told me when she confessed to having an affair that the Doctor had no idea she was dating anyone. Even though she had “in a relationship” on facebook.

    I think of the last 2 1/2 years and I have no doubt this lady is a sociopath. If I think of things from that perspective I feel confident that this lady had been unfaithful before. Just many many things she would say to me were so crazily sociopathic. It was always about her. I do know hew husband of 20+ years is left broke. Nothing. She had very little because she spent everything on clothing and shoes…

    I am so hurt so lost so confused that I was involved with her. We were planning to spend our lives together….I am happy that I did loose much money, but I am very hurt that I have lost my trust, self-esteem, and knowing what a lie this woman lives. I have not contacted her in 10 days and I hurt so bad. I miss her. But I am not sure I even know her. I can give you dozens of examples of stuff that now tell me I was being used from the start.

    1. I should also say that in my marriage my X is an alcoholic. Every day drinker. After the divorce I was very depressed and went through two years of counciling. I was diagnosed as codependent so that may explain why I have a high thresh-hold for BS. I am very hurt lost and am struggling.

      1. Hi mac
        I feel your pain. My sp ex just broke off with melast night. Im crushed even though I knew he was on dating sites for 2 years and I was in Angst and obsession the last 3. We were together 4.5 yrs.
        I’m so upset I can’t imagine life without him even though I know he was lying from day one!!! His name, his marriage, so.many personal things. I feel so stupid aNd so so broken. I keep reminding myself that I was seriously anxious the last 2 years amd very unsettled the year before. So I wasn’t truly happy. Our contact waa getting less and less each week and he seemed irritated by really what am I going to miss??? Anxiety? Worry? The feeling I was being used? The knowledge I was being lied to my face every day???
        I’ll get through but God what a lesson

      2. I often repeat the words of Edna St. Vincent Milay:

        Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
        What the swift mind beholds at every turn.

      3. Joelene, I was going to comment on your question will it ever be the same? But I just read your sp and you just broke it off….
        I was going to say No I don’t think it could ever be the same, at least in my case I never trusted him again I lost faith in him…..
        Sounds like you’ve been dealing with your sp for a very long time but you will get through this…..I honestly can’t believe I’m saying this because I never thought I would be where I am today…..I had to actually get rid of anything that reminded me of him, try not to do anything that reminded me of our times together, I had to morn him, it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do but once I made that decision to not take the abuse anymore I was able to look back and realize what was happening to me , how truly blind I was, I had to take back my life. You need to take care of yourself you are the most important person right now and as much as it hurts do no contact you have to do it and reward yourself for no contact accomplishments……do the things you love, treat yourself….
        You are truly worth it….

      4. Hello Mike/Mac…..
        I am so sorry you are hurt lost and struggling………be strong and have faith you will feel better, I know it doesn’t feel like it now but you will…….I was in complete turmoil for 2-1/2 years and I hurt so bad I thought I couldn’t make it another day and I just wanted to die so the pain would go away….I just celebrated my 3rd month of no contact, and actually completed 1yr of a 3yr restraining order against my sp(yes, I still had contact with him after my restraining order went into effect). I was head over heals completely in love with him, I thought he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with, I probably took him back no joke 40x’s I only wanted him could not imagine ever being with anyone else ever again……:I was blind to the obvious truth about him, he lied about everything and I mean everything, he is a fictitious social media fraud, a complete dirtbag, he manipulates vulnerable women, he uses anyone he can, he is an alcoholic, with a violent temper, all the red flags were right in front of my face, until I almost hit rock bottom, almost lost everything because of him and all he did was kick me while I was down and replaced me with someone 1/2 my age…….I am actually suffering from PTSD and have been seeing a life coach 2-3 X’s a month……and I can honestly say that I have started to feel better and slowly get over him… has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life and I actually had to mentally morn him and get rid of anything that reminded me of him, I try to not do familiar things that would remind me of our times together……
        Take care of yourself, you are the most Important person right now……reward yourself for no contact accomplishments, do things for yourself that you love…..treat yourself….

    2. I think all of us look back on the signs that we just overlooked and want to smack ourselves upside the head for not seeing what was actually going on. I find myself going over everything J said and did when we were together, and all the things that just seemed moderately odd at the time now make perfect sense, and I wonder why I couldn’t see the pattern. But that’s like watching a Penn & Teller show and blaming yourself that you didn’t see how they did the tricks. Sociopaths put just as much practice into perfecting their evil arts as P&T put into their act.

      Socios really are like magicians in that they’re masters of manipulating your expectations, directing your attention where they want it to be, and using all the little loopholes in human perception. It’s a shame they don’t use their powers for good.

      1. ❤ yup. i'm pretty sure i make a wish for the world to change and become this way every day of my life

  22. I’m having a SNAFU in the healing process. J introduced me to a couple at church, and I became friends with them, though the husband is starting to creep me out. When I told them about how J had betrayed me, the wife immediately went into Support Mode and has been wonderful. The husband SEEMED to be in Support Mode, but as time goes on it’s clear he’s still buddies with J and he’s starting to show signs of trouble.

    Today I was going to have dinner with the husband and wife (Let’s call them Bob and Carol). Carol called to tell me that Bob was walking to my place from the supermarket because it was closer to the market than their house. I went driving to the market to pick Bob up but didn’t see him anywhere and there’s really only one route from the market to my house.

    When I got to the market I called Bob and asked where he was. He said he was right in front of the Domino’s Pizza. I said to wait there and I’d come get him. He said, “Give me five minutes.” I figured he wanted to go into the gas station next door and use the bathroom.

    The Domino’s Pizza parking lot is right next to the house J is fixing up to move into. It’s a constant smack in the face to me because I have to drive past it for just about every errand I run, and he’s getting it all painted nicely and it’s hard not to feel as if he’s doing all this painting to rub it in that it’s HIS house and not OUR house.

    At any rate, Bob didn’t come from the direction of the Domino’s or the gas station. He came from the direction of J’s house! The guy who was doing yard work outside J’s house came to the fence and called to Bob, who went over and talked to him until I honked the horn. I’d come to pick Bob up, not to sit in the car while he had a chat with one of J’s friends.

    I asked Bob if he’d been visiting J, and he said no, the guy was there doing work on his own. Bob said he’d not seen J for two weeks. Made sense, since the last time I knew of that J and Bob had both been to church at the same time was about two weeks ago.

    Well, while we were eating dinner at the restaurant, Bob started talking about J and about how today J told him that he’d not be coming to our church for a while ….

    “You told me you hadn’t seen him for two weeks.”

    Bob tried to weasel out of it by acting as if I was interrogating him.

    Now I really feel for Carol. She’s let me know that she is fed up with her husband still being friends with J after what he did to me and to his live-in girlfriend, and how J jerked them around about the car they’d been trying to buy from him. (Turns out, BTW, that the cars he’s selling aren’t registered in his name and he jerks people around because once he has a buyer he needs to arrange for the signature of the guy whose name the car is registered in!)

    And frankly, it’s tough for me because I really like Carol but I want to shake Bob and ask him why the (I$#OIU$#OIU$# he’s associating with somebody like J. And Bob still talks about J like he’s a nice guy, dismisses what J did to me as “You guys had a falling out,” says he doesn’t know what’s going on and isn’t going to take sides.

    He KNOWS that J has been living with another woman for over a year. He KNOWS that J and I were romantically involved and that J had me believing that he was the answer to 17 years of prayer for a good Christian man to settle down with. So he KNOWS that J was playing me. The “I don’t know” and “I don’t want to take sides” is being a weasel.

    Sigh. Carol is one of my major emotional supports right now. I don’t want to put any distance there. But it’s hard to have a friendship with Carol when Bob is practically gloating about hanging out with J. And more and more, Bob is picking up J’s behaviors. Poor Carol!

    1. It’s known as the ” Bro Code” !!!! My sociopath and I had a mutual friend who said he was both of our friends and didn’t want to get take sides and get involved but he was….he was so involved, he was feeding my sp information of where I went, who I went with, how I was doing and so on……our mutual friend knew that my sp verbally and physically abused me and he still kept close ties with him all while pretending to be my friend….he even knew that my sp was seeing someone else, actually she is his fiancé and she was pregnant while he continued to see me and use me….,,and this Guy never said a word to me …..I was made out to be the biggest fool…..
      I see this mutual friend almost everyday and believe me he is not my friend and he actually disgusts me…….

  23. Thanks jeans
    Today hes been texting and friendly and despite tellimg me yesterday that the end (of our nearly 5 yr rship) wasnt because if me, hes not saying i love you even though he said he would! I don’t want to look weak but I don’t him to stop sayibg that every day! I’m worried hell get out of the habit of loving me :(( but I guess saying it eveey day didnt stop him lying to me every day too! God im sad

  24. All of the forums say “never ever expect closure from a sociopath”. Well, I got closure. Here is a super-expogated version of what I did (yes, I *kind of* broke the No Contact rule – just read it).

    I left him only a week ago. He was obsessed with Craigslist and sex, so I went on there and answered his latest ad, pretending I did not know it was him. I sent a photo of myself straight up (looking happy of course!) So he would pretend to be someone else (which he did).

    I then proceeded to pour my heart out about my “psycho ex” while letting him think I was falling for his online moves and flattery.. He had to read it all.. I said EVERYTHING I wanted to say, and then, in my final email, I signed off using my pet name so HE WOULD KNOW I KNEW IT WAS HIM THE WHOLE TIME.

    All he wrote back was “b***”. Sweet.

    I got closure. And I won. Twice. The first time I won was when I ran out that door last weekend, and didn’t look back.

  25. Before J entered my life, I was happy. I had been on my own for 17 years and had adjusted to the idea of not having a man in my life and enjoying the freedom. Then J came along and seemed to be the answer to 17 years of prayer for a good Christian man to grow old with. He even respected the Christian chastity — which is what really made him the first boyfriend I’d had in 17 years.

    When I found out yeah, he could respect the Christian chastity because he had a live-in girlfriend he was banging and he was getting something else on the side from women he picked up at the soup kitchen, I was floored. And I kicked his sorry butt to the curb.

    But I’m having such a hard time going back to being happy. A dormant dream was awakened, and he was SO cruel for doing that to me. No back to where I was ten years ago, lonely and waiting for somebody to love. I want him to spend every day and every night kicking himself for having been such a POS that he lost a woman like me, not coming to CHURCH with the live-in-lay to GLOAT that he still has somebody and I’m alone again.

    In some ways that’s what hurts the most. He still has her, and rumor is he has another girlfriend on the side. The live-in is sad and broken, but he’s getting what he wants out of her and that’s all he cares about. AND he’s got another piece of arm candy.

    HE is the one who should be alone and crying. I should be dating a good man and looking forward to a life of love

    I was HAPPY before I met him. And to him, this was all a game.

    Why do such loathsome people seem to get everything they want out of life, and their victims get ****? (Rhetorical question. I know there’s no answer.)

  26. I’ve been free of my sociopathic girlfriend for 3 months and am finally feeling happy again. Would I trade the experience? I would not! It was both the most pleasurable and most painful experience I’ve ever had. The relationship was magic. Every thing was wonderful. I am aware of mirroring though I think we really did have somethings in common which made her task easier. I was fortunate that she was not dangerous in any way, at least of what Iknow. She did cyber stalk me relentlessly in the four times or so that I broke up with her. To be honest I really didn’t want her to stop! I was so uncontrollably drawn to her, like the mythological sirens. I repeatedly allowed her to draw me in and manipulate me back into the relationship. Even though I confronted her directly on my concerns, I allowed her to divert me from myself.

    Maybe my abuse was mild but it was psychologically confusing. A relationship that seemed so perfect and at the same time something was so wrong. I never had any concrete proof but something was going on behind my back. I even think there might of been a possibility that she was some kind of call girl. When I met her I actually thought she was to much of a “goody two shoe” for me. One thing strange, is early on I would say to people that I couldn’t read her. I believe when we meet people we typically are able to read them though it is at an unconscious level. It is when we can’t read a person that it becomes conscious. I didn’t realize it was a warning sign.

    We are our own worst enemy when dealing with a sociopath. Our desires, needs, addiction allows us to rationalize what in our gut tells us is so wrong. I fortunately had persons close to me to help me to stay strong or get back on the wagon when I slipped. One person is my ex wife, she used her AA methods to help me beat my addiction. It really takes a lot of support to beat this. In regard to the no contact, it is to protect us from ourselves and ultimately from the harm a sociopath will do. It’s not the sociopath that we are trying to keep away from us, it is us we are trying to keep away from the sociopath for the sociopath is our drug and we want it bad.

    I really had some tremendous personal growth from this experience though it was painful. I actually thank her. Again I was fortunate that she wasn’t violent.

    To anyone attempting to get out of a relationship with a sociopath I highly suggest having a good support system. Treat it like an addiction. You’re addicted! It’s not the sociopath that is the issue it’s you! Listen to your gut it knows.


    1. Joelene,

      One part of the AA approach is for the person who is attempting to stop drinking is to have a sponsor. The sponsor is a person that you contact when having moments of weakness. For my situation it was wanting to respond to a phone call, text, etc. My ex wife was my sponsor and I would call her and let her know that I was feeling weak and wanting to respond or contact my girlfriend. She would remind me of all the complaints and strange things that I mentioned that were happening in the relationship. I would then come to my senses. It really worked. I would not have been able to do it on my own.

      Sociopaths are powerful and it takes all the help we can get to break free of ourselves, our desire for what they offer. What they offer is most likely at a big price. I always considered myself as a strong and sensible person. I was putty in the hands of my sociopath girlfriend. I somewhat abandoned the important things in my life to some degree. Luckily I was sensible enough to maintain enough of a degree of sensibility.

      I read your story and you’re on the path to healing. He may attempt to pull you back in just to get his jollies.

      It was a mix of ecstasy and great frustration during our relationship. The good was so good!! I was obsessed with her. I really believe that we knew what we were doing and made the choice to allow ourselves to be lied to, cheated on, etc. I received a lot in return. I look back and I’m not upset at my former because I did get a lot for what I sacrificed. When it was over it was time to pay the piper. I did have a lot of pain and sadness. It is like giving up a drug. The relationship was a great high which I chose to have. My pain progressively decreased. I still have some, though it is tolerable. I held on to it for a while because it almost felt like we were still together. I guess it’s important to hold on for a while. It’s a process that does take time but it will get better. Your heart and your instincts, intuition will come together and you will realize that you are better off without him.

      You’ll be fine soon.

  27. I just found out he has a gf and says I love you to her. He ended our 4.5 yr relationship and said he loved me two weeks ago!!!
    God im dying here!!!!
    Could you be my sponsor??? Pls

    1. Remind yourself that she is boarding the same roller coaster from Hell that you just got off. Your wounds are still very raw, and grieving and healing takes time. Be kind to yourself. You have experienced a kind of death — the death of dreams and the death of the man that he was pretending to be. It’s gonna hurt but that will fade.

    2. Hi Joelene you know that he doesn’t have the capacity to love. What love means to him is very different to what it means to you. Love to him is about power ownership and control. Life to him is a game. What he means is either a) a lie or b) I’ve what you have to offer me or c) trying to get the other person to fall in love with him which will render them weak and compliant and under his control. It’s not normal love. They can’t love in that way. Always it is about what they can get. They take and take until there is nothing left to take.

  28. It is very painful. They’re so good at deception it’s hard to see them as the terrible heartless person that they are. It helped me to make a list of ten things that she did that were hurtful to me. This helped to integrate the two,sides of her into one. She wasn’t the sweet , loving person she tried to portray. She is a nasty, lying, cheating, despicable person that doesn’t deserve my time or my pain. The seemingly nice things they say and do feel very real but they’re not. Your heart doesn’t know that yet. It eventually will. It will be painful for a while. There is no way of getting around it. You’ve experienced a loss and no matter what it hurts. Allow yourself to have the sadness. It will lessen. As nasty as he is there is a part of you that really wants him. It was another level of sadness when my former stopped cyberstalking me. The more you accept responsibility for your part in the relationship the easier it will get to let go. Hope this is helpful.

  29. Being in love is actually an altered state of consciousness, like an adiction or even a psychosis. When we break away from the sociopath, we are fighting against our own brains.

    One thing that really has been helping me is learning more about my sociopath and the crappy things he has done to other people and the way other people who know him see him. Nobody was gonna say anything in front of him but once we parted ways I found out that even people at his home church find him creepy. And this week he got arrested. I don’t know what for, but neighbors said the cops came to his hiuse and hauled him off. So it’s bringing home that I dodged a bullet with him.

    I also must admit that I am almost fisappointed now when I go to places he frequents (for reasons that have nothing to do with him) because I imagine myself saying, “So, I see you made bail!” in front of people. Let him know I know what a pathetic life he really is living and how fortunate I am not to be involved with him.

    Ultimately the goal is to be indifferent to him and all of his affairs, but gleefully waiting for his life to implode so I can watch is far better than the crying all day that I used to do.

  30. Joelene-
    You will get through this it is so hard and painful I know….In a week, I will have had no contact for 4 months……and it hasn’t been easy…..To this day I can say that no matter what hell my sociopath put me thru I was madly in love with him and as Dave describes it, it was a complete addiction and I was purposely blind to the lies and deception because I didn’t want to lose the High that I was on when things were good….When it was good it was an amazing high a rush I wanted to feel for the rest of my life… over 2-1/2 year ordeal I can honestly say has bits and pieces similar to every sociopatthic story I have read on this site…Between our many break ups I wanted to and thought I was going to die, that only getting back together with my sociopath would be the way to mend my broken heart and every single time the vicious cycle would start again and again….I do partly blame myself thinking that me, my love was strong enough to change him, help him and that no matter what our never dying love would prevail….wow what a fool I was the entire time he said he was equally in love with me and he wanted to change to be a better man, He was wooing someone else who he in such a short 4months is supoossed toget married to and very soon she will have his baby…..not a day goes by that I don’t think about him, but the pain grows less and less everyday…..
    I have to think of him as dead and morn him, because in reality the man I believed him to be is dead……….
    The truth is if it wasn’t for this website, friends that care about me and help from a life coach, I would have never gotten through this alone….I tried to overcome my sadness alone, shut.myself away, I would miss work, miss doing things I loved and I was the one suffering while he carried on persueing other women so that he could live off of and manipulate them with no regard for the pain that he had put me through with his abuse, his lies and how he would twist reality to make me confused and so afraid of losing his precious love……that wasn’t really real in the first place………
    Best of wishes and thanks to everyone willing to listen and help on this site…..

    1. I think it’s tough as you are not the sociopath. I know I loved the one in my life. I didn’t just switch off my emotions. I wish I could have. They both heaven and he’ll. Sometimes I look back and remember the heaven while I forget the hell.

  31. Hi positiva. I wanted to thank you for your honest feedback during our discussion the other day. My awareness of what I do and say has been refined and elevated by our conversation, and even though there are those who will say that can only be a short term effect, I feel as though I have taken a step forward. There are other mitigating issues I am facing in my life (issues borne completely from my own actions) that will help to drive these moments home, so I think at I will see some longer-term change as well. Certainly I feel humbler, when you are faced with the truth that you are indeed to a level manipulative, dishonest and selfish it is absolutely a humbling experience. As long ago as last June I made sure that my health insurance had a level of cover for psychological services, and today made two bookings for different meetings for tomorrow to get the ball rolling. It is my intention to continue to follow your blog, I am sure that it will provide more insight the more I read. Thanks again.

    1. Hi everybody, if it make you feel beter (or less worse) I was in the ‘circle’ Seducing, Gaming, Ruining, for 38 times within a period of 2,5 years…. I have my own company, still work as a model and I’m certainly not ‘stupid’….. I tell you this because I know that one of the hardest parts in the recovery, is, that you’re inner circle does not understand what you’re going trough and why you are being soooo stupid to make the same mistake over and over again (that’s why, at some point I even started lying to my friends)…. some friends (if you have anyone left after the S has successfully isolated you) will leave you for it….
      I found professional help, and luckily most off my friends hang in there with me.
      It will get beter over time, like every other brake-up. Nice reading material is “Men who hate woman & the woman who love them” and “When you’re lover is a liar” both from Susan Forward. It helped me, maybe it helps you too.
      Remember that you’re very worthy!! sociopaths need ‘adoration’ from the rest of the world to make them feel alive. He picked you because you’re good looking, witty and smart. Actually… you are so great that you even made him look succesfull!!
      And now it is YOU-TIME!!
      The pain and hurt will come and go in waves but will go quiet at some point….
      Take care!!!

      1. Thanks Anna I haven’t read that. You are quite right about your friends. I think the hardest part is the conditioning you are conditioned to believe nobody else wants you. Nobody likes you. Which is rubbish you had a life before them why wouldn’t you have a life now? I picked up the phone and called an old friend last night and laughed. Yes laughed wtf was I doing? At that point I knew I was going to be ok. I was going to be happier than I ever was with him 🙂

  32. Hi all am not sure if am on the right post here but just need some advice pls .

    My ex S contacted me few days ago after 7 months well he did ring 4 months ago but I never answered so anyway other day he messaged me saying can we talk one day? Then an hour later saying I want to apologise. Then an hour later saying will you ever ? I’ve not replyed but I am really curious to what he wants. Am not sure if he’s still with his NS who he shipped over to another country with him to start all over as I exploited him and this is what he does he moves from country to country a lot . Does anyone have any insight to this please . I just feel if he wanted to apologise why hasn’t he and also how does he think an apology would justify all he’s done ? I blocked him on everything but I deactivated my WhatsApp account then reactivated it and apparently this unblocks people who you originally had been blocked X

    1. hey Faith,

      yup, a-men to what @Dave says.

      @positivagirl answers this question perfectly perfect all of the time, so for sure take in her words.

      i feel like your own gut feeling is telling you the truth already in what you say here….

      “I just feel if he wanted to apologise why hasn’t he and also how does he think an apology would justify all he’s done ?”

      see you already know in your heart what the answer is.

      if he truly genuinely wanted to apologize, he would’ve done it long ago when it was what you needed. he’s contacting you now because it’s on his timing, and is about him needing something for him. whatever supply he was draining has been cut off in some way and he’s in desperation mode because he can’t stand to be alone without anyone to get attention from, toy with, and act out misery on…or if he’s still with someone else, he needs to pull another person back in to triangulate them, so he’s going back into his old list of victims, which you’re on, and trying to lure you back in to play the game. there is no goodness in his intentions.

      and you’re perfectly right, there isn’t anything he could say that could possibly ever justify the things he’s done, so there is nothing for you in anything he could possibly say. whatever he’s doing, it’s for him, there is no other motivation for a sociopath. if he had truly evolved in some way, and truly grasped an understanding of the things he had done in your life, he would know that you deserved to never hear from him again, and he’d leave you be to move on and find happiness.

    2. Hi faith, unfortunately they do this. If he is a sociopath.. they get in contact see how you are. Maybe things aren’t working out with the person that he is with. Maybe they have had a row. Unlikely they have split as they usually source another supply before leaving.

      My advice would be not to respond as it only brings further pain. Even if you did respond you only go back round the circle again. So it begins again. I know this is tough when you love someone and are trying to heal..

  33. As difficult as it is, keep the no contact! S don’t change nor do they sincerely apologize. He wants something from you. S are like a drug. A little taste and you’ll be hooked again. “Can we talk?” was my Ss best ploy which I fell for a number of times before I finally learned. All it took was to hear her voice or see her and I was putty in her hand. No good will come of it.

  34. Sweet pea and save thank you so much for your reply means so much I keep thinking is he hoovering me or did I get him wrong and he’s changed now for someone else but I know he was cheating on her from day one so ….your right dave I’ll hear his voice and i will be back in there and yes sweet pea triangulation and playing those games again I fine this for 7 months after we split but not knowing a thing then . Hurts so much doesn’t it as right now I still miss that person I knew and wish with all my heart that person I knew was real . Thank you again it hurts but am not gonna reply to him cos really when I think about it I don’t know who this despicable creature is . I hope you are both doing well and moving on cos we do have beautiful lives something they will never have …which is sad! Thank you X

    1. @Faith big hug to you. that hurt and confusion you feel, most people that come here totally understand just what that hurt and confusion is like. Dave is right, look for support, come back here and read her posts, read through comments, get clarity on what you’ve been through…it helps so much with the confusion… understanding just how much you’ve been manipulated, and understanding just how deliberate sociopaths are in the harmful things they do, it will help you be gentle with yourself as you untangle from his manipulative energy and heal your heart. you’ll see that you’re not alone and you’ll see that what sociopaths do is so far from love, and that you deserve so so much better. ❤

  35. Sweet pea your absolutely right if he genuinely wanted to apologise it would of been months ago and also like you say he would leave me be now to love on not dredge it all up again , so your right he’s not grasped anything of the pain he caused me and still is . Still thinking of himself even if he’s seen the light , he still wouldn’t of contacted . Thanks again x

  36. Great Faith I’m glad that you’re taking care of yourself by sticking to the no contact. It is very sad that they will never have a nice life. I do have compassion for mine. She didn’t choose to be a sociopath. It could have been any of us under the conditions they experienced. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do to help her. I do miss her a lot even though it wasn’t real. My heart hasn’t quite realized that yet.

    I needed to involve a number of people to help me through my situation. This forum seems to be a great place for support. Keep strong.

  37. I am doing better. 4 years (!) later, I am healed 90%.
    It is possible. It really is. There is hope, so please let’s not give up!! Do not give up! You are gonna heal and emerge happier and stronger.

    My ex was of the most dangerous kind. The mask slipped only once (luckily, it was enough for me to initiate the process of breaking up with him) and what I saw then was Evil. He really could have been a cult leader, may be he was, to his “friends”.

    One of the reasons I was able to set myself free was because of this site, of books, of internet pages. We are not alone, like Positiva says. We have each other, us monster slayers 🙂

    What he has left still is a hole in my heart. But even that is filling up… I put myself back were I belong, at the centre of my life. I have people around me now who treat me well, who like me, who are happy for me, who care. It’s a first!

    Meditation also works for me, to fill the hole.

    In the end, from all of the pain, from all of the excruciating pain, I gained a compass: now I know which way to go. My vision is not clouded anymore. I know whom to avoid, whom to trust. I am mine 🙂

  38. Thank you all so much for replying its so nice to talk to people who are going through the same thing (even though I wish you wasn’t going through this) I feel I’ve come a long way since we split as its been a year now but he kept me hanging on for 7 months after when I found out about all the others I didn’t want to know but they do have a way of convincing you .

    He messaged again before saying you can show this to whoever but I want you to know that I bloody lived you and you will always have a place in my heart , I know you’ll never forgive and I know why and am so sorry , I just want you to know you are a special girl and I wish you the best x Then another saying I always wanted you very anyone else to carry my babies . Then another saying take care , I won’t contact again x

    The last messages he sent me before I knew all I sent them to her but I think your right he will still be with her and others there’s always a few . I won’t reply but I just wanted to see what he had to say and I know not getting back will bother him cos he knows he’s lost .

    Just wondering his messages tonight is he still trying to drag me in here or really wanting to apologise ??

    Your right Dave its the coming to terms with it being all lies , I still haven’t I think am
    still kinda blocking that to protect myself until am stronger to bare it . Stay strong !

    Sweet Pea thank you I will keep reading it does help and also knowing am not alone .
    Thank you and big hugs to you also .

    Positivagirl your right I would never heal and just keep going round in circles . I know after two months of the OW moving over there to be with him she was back home as they were not getting on but I think she is back there now . But I believe he will always be looking for more and never find it . Thank you , I love your site .

    Misa so happy for you that your life is all coming together again , you must feel so proud . Meditation this is what I need to try ….any good apps please ?

    1. stay strong Faith ❤

      there's this quote… "When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to say."

      that quote is never more true than with a sociopath. they don't change. and i gotta say the "I won't contact again" message is like a universal sociopath go-to lol. they ALL send that same message when you're not responding. it's super manipulative i promise. the translation for the "i won't contact you again" message…."you're ignoring me which means i don't have control over you right now, and so i'm trying to bait you into responding by playing on your fear of losing me for good. and just in case, i'm also pretending to be respectful of your space if ever try to use these messages as evidence that i harassed you at some point."

      the things he's saying to you are the very things he learned from knowing you that you would love to hear at some point. but it's just empty words with no other intention than to manipulate you back into a trap. think back to how he has treated you…if he loved you, then he would have treated you with love. whether the other girl is still there or not doesn't matter. he still treated you how he treated you, and as hard as it is for those of us who feel love to grasp, they truly just don't feel what we feel… as good as they are at pretending to feel it, they just don't :\

      i know it's so so hard, but healing comes from slowly learning to change your focus from him, to you. when you start to focus on who you want to be instead of who he is or isn't, you start to realize your worth, like truly realize it in your bones, and the things he does matter less and less because you'll feel it in your soul that anything he was in your life falls so short of what you deserve ❤

    1. Can you do me a favour? Not contact him for 60 days. Put it in your diary. Take it one day at a time during those 60 days you will be amazed how much better you will feel for it. How quickly your power comes back. Use this time to focus on you

  39. Cam anyone point me to the posts pls on understanding why they act this way? I can’t get my head around how someone can be thst cruel!!

    1. Search lack of conscience guilt remorse or shame..or go to the archives and start the blog from 2013 from the very beginning and go through. It feels cruel because you are thinking what you had was real. They fake for as long as it was beneficial to them.

  40. Sweet pea and positivagirl thank you x oh yes that quote I’ve just realised he has said this to me before when I wasn’t responding it did scare me as I was in the thick of it all then and I didn’t know what was going on or who he really was I still lived him desperately . Also the line about saying I always wanted you over anyone else to carry my babies he knew this would really get to me and maybe would respond either nicely or nasty but either way he would think he will get something back from me , as we were trying for a baby and as am older now and also have a medical condition I have found out about (same time I found out all about his seedy life) I may not be able to have them now, he knows this .

    I know like you say if he ever loved me he wouldn’t of done all he has , even saying you will always have a special place in my heart ha… I think what happened to that place then when you was lying, cheating, humiliating, deceiving and manipulating me when we were together were was that special place for me then , you didn’t have one then so your sure as hell have not got one for me now , especially when I did exploit to our work place and his family all what he is .
    I know all this about him but see his face in my head and think of the good times , its so hard for me to let go completely at the moment it still hurts someone I gave my all to could do this to me . I guess am still in the fog a bit , I really can’t wait for the day when he means nothing to me . I will try harder to focus on me I need to so I can feel like me again and I want that so much(the old me back ) thank you replying and listening means so much to me ❤❤

  41. Thankyou positiva girl

    I’ve emailed you to see if I couLD get some one on one support. plus I guess I’ll focus on writing here every day for 60 days. Is thst ok?

  42. Hi all
    Thanks for being so understanding. Im not sure how ‘SP’ my ex SP was, he didn’t fit all criteria. Can I explain a bit of the story and see what others think?

    He is a hard worker and I never supported him with anything financial. We dated for 4.5 yrs and even whispered vows in a church we visited. We saw each other every day without fail – coffee, hugs, lunch, dinner.. Went on weekends away, called each other several times a day, texted maybe 20 times a day. I loved it!!

    He wasn’t overly romantic- very rugged type- so its not like I was swept off my feet or ‘mirrored’ per se. But the first 18 mths or so was loving and physically affectionate and wonderful. Around the 2 year mark I found out he lied about his estranged marriage (not so estranged) and then found out his surname was different to what I thought for 2.5 yrs! Huge fight. I ended it, immediately wanted him back, he said no you deserve better- I had to eventually beg him back.

    There was no remorse or attempt to atone this – and the next few mths degenerated. I just couldn’t get over it – his nameFFS! Which explained why I was never introduced to anyone (we were keeping it a secret while separations and divorces finalised). Fast forward a few mths and I get suspicious overhidden phones etc and I find him on a dating site! I confronted him (saying a gf saw him), he said he was simply searching to make sure I wasn’t there. Again he ended it saying I deserved better, I begged him back. A few mths later a huge argument – again I begged back.

    That was 18mths ago and since then I have put up with so much to keep the peace and keep him! I have since found out that his first name (what I called him by during whispers of love, what we wrote vows to in our romantic moments, what I said during sex, ever Christmas and birthday card ) was also a lie. I was suspicious and really dug, and found it, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want him to leave me! How f$$ked up is that.

    Evebtually I wanted to try and show him that I knew him better than he thought so I told him but joked and said most men use middle names so its no big deal. He said the same as he did with his surname debacle – that he couldn’t say the truth after the initial lie (because we met online) as he thought Id leave! But as with the surname – no remorse or apology!!

    A bit more digging on my part and after 4.5 years I find out a whole litany of lies. He’s on several dating sites, he was never actually married (despite detailed descriptions of proposal and ceremony!), was often doing a driving job at night when he was texting me from his lounge, often didn’t have his daughter on nights he said he did, had financially settled with ex despite telling me he was negotiating. All the gifts I ever bought him I found in a drawer unopened, his wife knew about me and had details of my name and address!, all sorts of things.

    Eventually he was going to enormous lengths to hide his phone, I was tracking him on his dating sites (constant), and Im pretty sure he was spending overnight trips and dates with someone while he told me he was with daughter.

    So after 4.5 years, Im totally addicted- agonising over every text, analysing every statement to match against the truth, it was soul destroying. I was doing weirder and weirder sex things to please his strange tastes, and he was like a cold fish to me- Last 18mths NO affection, wouldn’t even touch me, barely pecked my cheek every day. Never asked me anything about my life, no talk of future, But still said I love you 2-3 times per day and still we caught up EVERY DAY!

    Then 4 weeks ago- he says he needs space, he may need to move for work, too much stress, goodbye. And that’s it. Basically NC since then, except I keep truing to maintain contact.

    So whats your opinion please – a SP? Narcissitic ?

    Was it me???

  43. Joelene……
    I’m not sure the exact diagnosis but he is defiantly a SP to continue to lie even though you’ve confronted him, is he married or not does he have a daughter or not? Is he seeing other women or is he exclusive with you? All of these questions you have a right to know the truth….Is he intimate with other women? Is he using protection? For health reasons you need the truth… tell you he loves you while he is playing on your emotions, and now he needs space is wrong and abuse……the fighting and you begging for him back, he knows he’s got you, so why should he be sorry or remorseful? My SP would always turn my truth seeking around of me, displace it, and call me crazy…I must be crazy to believe that or think that about him, even though I had cold heart facts and proof..My SP was also very distant towards the end barely held me, barely kiss me, barely talk, he became very cold, he said he needed to get his life together so he could be a better man for my son and I, I found out he had a fiancé and she was pregnant, oh but he still loved me and if I wasn’t on a truth seeking crusade we would still be together…once I exposed him and stood up for myself and made it harder and harder for him to come back into my life when he knew I couldn’t be manipulated, used, and abused by him he was on the hunt for someone else to replace me, it took him only a few short months to find a new victim and obviously get her pregnant…..
    I’m sorry you are going through this, I’m sorry there are cold-hearted people out there, I do believe you loved him and in my opinion he is a very big jerk and a SP and you deserve better…..
    Have a good day,

      1. Yep I’ll try again – NC day 2 and Im losing my mind!! I just want to text him to see if he texts back and if he’s friendly. He occasionally texts back but if I call he’s snappy and short, and if I try to say should I still have hope (he told me never to give up), he just completely ignores me 😦

        UGH trying hard not to text!!!

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