Learn to spot the red flags in dating!
I am going to use a blog post that I found yesterday as an example. This has inspired me to write this post. If you have been reading this blog, hopefully you should by now have learned the classic signs for spotting a sociopath.
Read the following blog post, what signs can you see? Where are the red flags?
I will highlight the red flag warning signs in red (my comments are in black bold).
So now, here I am, a swinging bachelorette in the big city. It’s funny, it seemed the moment I updated my “current city” on Facebook, I got a rush of messages from guys I have known over the years. Mostly guys I had flirtatious relationships with that never got off the ground. As people get older and meeting people gets harder, I find people are often searching their pasts to see who might be worth a do-over. One of these searchers was a guy I dated for several hot & heavy months one summer a decade ago. My connection with this guy was deep but cut short because I moved away for school. He contacted me on Facebook and asked me to have a drink with him, I thought, why not?
The nice thing about a “do-over” is that the chemistry is already established. I could tell from our short phone conversation that he was still as witty and charming as ever (1. my first red flag, sociopaths are witty and charming). Would the attraction still be there? His profile picture looks much the same as I remember him, but I hadn’t seen this guy in like 10 years… I do remember, a few years ago, seeing him on TSN on the “World Series of Poker” he was winning, which didn’t surprise me, he had always been a pretty serious poker player.(2. My second red flag, a lot of sociopaths are poker players, it is the ideal profession for them) What did surprise me, however, was that he appeared to be losing his hair a little… well, I guess it happens to the best of us. Anyhow, I agreed to have a drink with him.
The date went really well. We chatted like old friends and flirted like past lovers. Everything was still there it seemed (except his hairline). When he kissed me at the end of the night I felt weak (3. Sociopath’s are sexually charimatic)… I forgot how good he was at that. Everything was perfect except for one glaring problem: his life is in the exact same place now as it was 10 years go (4. Lack of life plan) when I left for school. When we first met, he was working on his degree while bartending at the restaurant that I served at. Since that time, he graduated university and pursued career as a professional poker player.(5. Takes the easy option in life) Remember that day I saw him playing on TSN? He didn’t win the World Series that year but he did come in 3rd, taking home a healthy 30,000.00 prize.(6. This is an obvious lie – as 3rd place world poker is 10 x this amount) After this he proceeded to quit his job as a bartender and pursue a full-time job gambling.(7. who but a sociopath does this? – lack of life plan and parasidic lifestyle). He learned the hard way, however, that gambling is not necessary the most lucrative career and, over the next few years, dwindled his winnings down to….nothing. 30k, gone, just like that. So now, he’s back slinging highballs at the local pub, “re-evaluating” what he’s going to do now.(8. saying what she want’ to hear, and victim mentality) “Let’s do this again really soon.” The Gambler said to me after he kissed me.
Would we be doing it again?? My first thought was no.(Trust your instincts!) I would like, at some point, to get married and have a family, or, at the very least, find a partner to spend my life with. (if you tell him this, he will sell this to you) I have spent the last 10 years of my life dating men that are inappropriate for this role. It’s not that I’m incapable of making smarter choices, it’s just that I wasn’t really thinking long-term until this point in my life. The Gambler is a fantastic guy, whom I have an undeniable connection with,(how is this connection possible, when you haven’t seen each other for 10 years? another red flag) however, I am having a really hard looking past the way he has lived his life.(trust your instincts) I feel terribly guilty (why?) even saying that out loud because it makes me feel judgmental. I know that how remorseful he is about the decisions he’s made and I feel bad for him in that respect(because he has played victim to you) but still, I have to think about my life. It’s hard because I know how difficult it is to meet good people who you connect with these days, (this is exactly what the sociopath plays on) and I do genuinely still have feeling for this person, but there are a lot of red flags in the air for me right now. (the red flags you were sensing were for a reason!!)…
Often we see the red flags right in the beginning. But, we ignore them, or kid ourselves that maybe it will be ok.
If you ever wondered ‘how did it happen?’, I think that this post is a good example of how it can happen.
I can’t say for sure that this person IS a sociopath. But, I would bet £100 that he is. All the classic signs are there. Even if you HAVEN’T been involved with a sociopath, read about them, read about character traits, educated yourself, to prevent yourself from becoming the next victim.
- Sociopaths LOOK normal
- Dress normal
- Are intelligent
- Funny witty charismatic and charming
You cannot discover a sociopath by the way that they look. It is about looking deeper. Look at their past. Look at what they have been doing in their life. Research the signs, how responsible they are? We often will ignore red flags, and continue, for ‘something to do, for now’…. not realising that the sociopath has the ability to lure you in.
Learn to trust your gut instincts. Your gut instincts are warning you RED FLAG, RED FLAG!!!
Learn to TRUST YOURSELF.
6 thoughts on “Learn to spot the red flags! Case study!”
wow.. just thank you, thank you thank you!.
Just discovered this post & it is AWESOME template — all of it !! It truly is like a script — astonishing– I’m laughing – I’m that woman– and he was THAT guy. Sheesh.
Pos, there are hidden gems here, I’ve got to do a post review so I don’t miss anything going into 2014 — I want to be armed & ready for love & any counterfeits that may try to sneak in
I hope to get it into book so it’s easily found El. Am working on it there are over 150 posts. Yes I saw this and saw red flag red flag…
I dated a high-functioning sociopath and he was anything BUT charming and charismatic. He was the embodiment of nervous (to the point of slight perspiration on his brow), awkward, pensive, quiet, sexually inappropriate and seemed to lack the basic social filters most of us have when introducing ourselves to others for the first time and on a first date. I thought his social awkwardness (and sexual inappropriateness) was because he was an IT nerd, with little experience dating women, but I was sadly, sadly mistaken. He wanted exclusivity at the one month mark of dating. On EXACTLY the one month mark of getting that exclusivity, he told me he was in love with me (I told him I wasn’t there yet). Asked me to marry him a week before the 3 month mark of our first meeting, which happened to coincide with him moving his business out of state. I thought the premature proposal was due to him moving to Utah where he had just bought a home. Now I realize that it was to isolate me, under the pretense of beginning a life together, in order to have me under his watchful eye, have unrestricted access to my computer activity through his ISP, and to begin siphoning the personal information he needed to gain from me so he could use that information to control me emotionally, financially, and sexually. Much to his chagrin, I packed my car and left a little over 1 month after arriving there. I had never experienced such a radical shift in attitude and behavior as I did upon moving in with this man. I’ve never experienced anything before like it or anyone like him. He was the strangest human being I have ever encountered, but that wasn’t obvious until I lived in his home for a few days…and that was ALL it took to see him for who he was. A few days of living in his home was all it took to understand that something was very, very wrong with him.
Great comments as well
I fell hook line and sinker first with the flirtation and then with the line, I want you for a best friend. I choose my friends carefully and we are friends for life. Financially he took my bank account, retirement account and all my emotions.
They are beyond mentally ill. It doesn’t matter how they got to be psychopaths. If you are dealing with an adult and he does an “about face” , appearing to change his personality almost, that means his mask has slipped and your are seeing the beginnings of the ugly real him. Run for your life ! One thing I learned was that even if you leave them, you can be hoovered, in other words contacted by them in sneaky ways YEARS after the nightmare is long over . I had one even stalk me . There is NO love involved. It is ALL about you being their possession, and in their sick minds, you are not “behaving well” when you don’t do exactly what they want their possession to do. They will eventually get what God and Karma dish out to them. You don’t need to pay the price (and that price may be your life) for them. They will pay it one day.
One thing that helps – Do not if you ever run into them, smile and look happy around them. Look confident and in full control of yourself (not vulnerable or receptive), but do NOT make ANY eye contact, or if you do, do NOT show anything, but a boring, neutral facial expression. If he tries to engage you in any way, make it clear for him to see that you are surrounded by other people. That gives you a line of protection. If you see yourself as he sees you, as a prey item to a predator, you will know what to do. Do NOT let him physically isolate you even for a moment.
The man who butchered me emotionally eventually became a physical threat and it happened suddenly and out of nowhere. They are filled with rage. It doesn’t matter why. By the time they are adults, their personalities cannot be changed. Psychopaths have severe personality disorders. There is NOT ONE documented case of a psychopath changing his personality. If it looks like it, it is an act (putting the mask on) to catch his prey again.
The bottom line is that they do not care about anyone except themselves. One day, you will feel safe and comfortable again and you will learn that what people present to you has very little to do with what is inside, and what is inside is what is real to them. Unfortunately, it is not until we demonstrate how much we love them that , that is when they change on us and we discover the truth about who they are. Once that happens, we are inevitably emotionally harmed because we are left in a position of , accept emotional abuse or leave them, both of which are extremely painful. I must say that I have never felt such a high level of emotional pain, because I was in love with a man who had been consistently wonderful until he became literally overnight the worst monster out there. I didn’t recognize him after that. I no longer hate him, but I don’t forgive him. I don’t believe it is my place to forgive him.
As you will see on all the forums on this topic, NO CONTACT is the ONLY answer and it is not about just moving on, but more importantly about your physical safety. Without physical safety, you cannot be happy, and your happiness is the only thing that should really matter to you. Keep that in mind especially if you are too kind, or too generous, or too caring. None of these are good qualities if you are targeted by a thief , parasite, or predator, and as much as you don’t want to hear that, if you learn enough about him, you will find out that the psychopath is without any exception, all three – a thief, a parasite, and a predator, and you to him, are just one more prey item. This is not an exaggeration. That is what I used to think when I started reading these forums. They all seemed to be exaggerations. They were not. CREATE new boundaries WITH EVERYONE. Do not let people into your world who are strangers. Strangers are literally that, strangers.
Do not be afraid to drop anyone who makes you uncomfortable especially if that same person used to always be good to you. You are responsible to and for YOU, not the stranger in front of you who used to be your best most trusted friend in the world. This is a VERY painful pill to swallow, but it is the only way to confidently and permanently escape, when you KNOW with all your heat that YOU will NEVER, EVER interact with the predator again as long as you live (and maybe thererafter too!).
There are billions of people in the world. Why should YOU be the unfortunate one to get stuck with a cruel creep ? You are better than that ! You are smart, beautiful, and happy and no cruel creep will have access to you once you detect him. Let happiness surround you in everything you do. Spend time with really good people and laugh at everything you can. Spend time with people who make you laugh and watch funny movies and do anything that makes you laugh. Become a laughing child again, and be that laughing child forever. It will make you feel happy every day. It is a priceless gift and the secret to health, happiness, and longevity:)