The sociopath will always accuse YOU of what they are guilty of themself

Did you feel like you were going crazy? You were losing your mind? This is all part of the sociopath’s crazy making behaviour.

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The sociopath will always accuse you of doing the very thing that they are guilty of themselves. They do this to deflect the attention from them.

Examples of this are

  • Accusing you of cheating
  • Accusing you of being dishonest or lying
  • Accusing you of talking about them
  • Accusing you of doing whatever it is that they are guilty of themselves

The sociopath has a bizarre ability to be able to make YOU feel guilty and feel like you have defend yourself… for things that he has done.

You see the sociopath, is actually fairly intelligent. He knows that whilst you are busy defending yourself, and proving your innocence, you will be confused, and will forget about the real issue, the truth that you are close to uncovering about the sociopath.

Bullshit Bingo

It’s all a game to the sociopath. Life is a game. With little inside themselves they spend most of their life playing stupid mind games.

Accusing you of things that they have done themselves, is something that they will do over and over again. The result for you, the victim is

  • Feeling confused
  • Feeling violated
  • Feeling misunderstood
  • Feeling unheard
  • Feeling guilty
  • Likely he will also say ‘everyone thinks, or says….’ – so you feel isolated too

Afterwards, after wasted hours, protesting your innocence, you think

How did that happen?

The truth is right there, you are relieved that the constant questions and accusations have stopped. There is peace again.

Once again, the sociopath has managed to manipulate the situation, and deflect blame back onto you. You have spent another few hours of your time, stressed, anxious and defending your corner.

You feel that yet again there was yet another problem that didn’t need to be there. Some other issue, that didn’t need to be there.

But for the sociopath, it isn’t like that. He is playing a game. Playing a game with your mind and your heart. There are two things that are important to the sociopath

  • Winning
  • Control

If you were to catch him out in a lie, he would neither win, or be in control. So he will do anything that he can do, to win the game, and control the game.

That is all that it is.

The sociopath probably doesn’t even realise the effect that this has on you. After all, he never thinks about your needs, and this is in terms of both good and bad things. He, like always is thinking about himself, not about you, your welfare or your needs.

It is all just a game. A stupid, mindless game. That could continue for the rest of your life if you let it.

Isn’t it time to move forward? To stop playing the stupid game with the sociopath, who could play forever. If you let him. The sociopath doesn’t feel too much,  but he does feel satisfaction from

  • Winning
  • Being in control

Maybe right now it is time to stop playing the game. To finish the game. Stop playing. It is now time to focus on you. On your needs and your welfare. After all when you were with the sociopath, so much of your time and energy was wasted, defending yourself, and playing pointless mind games, nobody was taking care of your needs.

Endless stress and endless drama. that is the relationship with the sociopath. There comes a time, when the only thing to do, is to put in place no contact rules, stick to them, and focus on you, and loving yourself and creating your own beautiful world. A world where there isn’t someone constantly trying to pull you apart.

You deserve so much better🙂

Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013

391 thoughts on “The sociopath will always accuse YOU of what they are guilty of themself”

  1. I so wish I’d of known of this condition many years ago.It would of saved me 15 years of hurt and pain.The only way to heal is NO CONTACT.Believe me,you can think that you have that and them try to talk to them after several months and that it will be ok or different and you will soon see that they will never change.
    I tried because we have kids and it was a huge mistake.They do not give a crap about the kids,Its all about them and you are the crazy one to them.You then find yourself asking yourself WTH did I do that for.And so the healing process begins again.
    And it is a horrible process.The pain you feel is almost unbearable and you feel so many different emotions.Please men or women…..keep the NO CONTACT and start to live again.If they have left the kids then so be it.The kids ARE better of with this sick person in their lives. Mine have suffered so much.Its not worth if they are court ordered to buy their clothes or whatever.Do it yourself and stay away from them.
    I still shake my head on a daily basis thinking OMG I just cant believe this person is so
    far gone.He was once my world but I know I was never really his.
    And of course I’m the sick one and the cheater and everything else and yo9 can argue with them until your head is going to explode but it does no good.
    I had proof of it and he still said I was crazy.
    So now I start over and will not contact him for anything at all.
    It doesn’t matter what your going thru they do not care.
    They have no empathy and no remorse.
    I know I will never get the apology that I so much want and if I did it wouldn’t be truthful.
    I’ve lost 15 years that I will never get back.
    Every year I said I won’t put up with this for another year and he told me it’s going to be different and it only got worse.
    Now I have to forgive myself and think of my kids and go on and that is exactly what I am going to do.
    I refuse to let this sick bastard steal anymore of my life.
    This is all truth….please keep the NO CONTACT!!!!!

    1. Wow I really cant believe I’ve stumbled across this article today you see I’ve been with a man for two years he’s is aspergers ocd sad and multiple personality disorder all of the above is like reading my life no wonder my head feels shot thankyou so much for posting

    2. I wish it would have been that easy for me. This is one sociopath that wanted his child. Used my son to get to me. He hates when its ‘calm’ and going good. Has to create something that brings us back to talking or to court so he can see me. I have spent thousands in court for 15 yrs. Now my son thinks its all me because he has been so brainwashed to think I am the one destroying his life. How do I get him to listen he just turned 18. He has been living with his father since he was 10 yrs old only because he got my son to lie for him and say I hit him. The kid didnt know any better. I got arrested and so it spiraled down from there. more to this but its so much to type.

    3. how about 33 years and 2 daughters later? i got an uncontested divorce, i had to, i was always being accused of things i didnt do or that i am not, example,, he told me i hurt other people, thats the opposite of how i am, and thats the tip of the iceberg. unbelievable, my children and the man who REALLY loves me are the ones who saved my life, now he can yell at himself forever, its over, the only contact anymore is he gives our youngest oe 200 a week to pay for bills and food, and since i was always about spending less, its really not that hard and its OVER. FOREVER.

    4. I am so sorry you are going through this. Male or FEMALE, as in my case, narcopaths, narcissistic sociopaths are a horrific lot to work with and leave a devastating trail of destruction in their wake. It’s a scorched earth policy for them. Leave no bridge intact. Burn everything to the ground. And make it look like your spouse did it. Then cry to the crowd and put on an Academy Award performance knowing that no one else will dare come against you. Probably like you, my narcopath has in a few months destroyed everything in my life as punishment for speaking up and agreeing with the doctors that she needed a mild depressant and an evaluation for stress. She literally took everything from me–at that moment- went to the courts and claimed abuse and without one shred of evidence or witnesses and though I had actual evidence of physical abuse and witnesses, the court sided with her. Of course. She is supposed to be the one with the brain tumor (nothing funny at all, that is sad) yet she took my health by this chronic stress, took all the money, documents and means of everyday survival. Has left left me thousands in debt, unable to work due to the court actions, doing her best to annihilate me as a person and obliterate my reputation and take the small vestige of remaining friends I have left. I realize this site seems to be dominated by female voices crying out against the men who abused them but I hope I might speak from the standpoint of the male victim. I completely understand what you are going through and I am so sorry. It should not happen to decent people who only wanted to love and be loved and to help another fellow human being but this is the sad reality for many of us and will be for most of our children given we live in a narcissistic sociopathic world where our children are educated to be just that.

      I thought I would share with you what I had written to one of my remaining Christian friends and a prayer partner yesterday living in another country and going through the similar things we have experienced… Here it is:

      Thank you for your kind message. I am glad your son goes back to school but I am sad that you will feel more lonely….. perhaps we can write each other more often?

      I don’t think my wife can help herself being the way she is. I believe she is or has become demon possessed. She shows all the signs of being a narcissistic sociopath….you can try looking up the words narcissist and sociopath and then put the traits together and you will have a good idea of what I am dealing with….

      She was badly damaged as a child. So much of this is not her fault but she is not making good choices or surrendering her will to God either… so I am no longer convinced she is saved. I make many mistakes and commit sins but I try not to and I am so convicted about them that I must go before God and confess my sins and ask for His strength to continue to do the right thing…. I think you may probably know how that is. However, this is something she seems to be unable to do as I have witnessed.

      I think she recognized my goodness (as an empath) and value in the beginning but I think her plan and God’s plan for bringing us together were far different…. She thinks she is in control and when I called her out lovingly on her sinful behavior one afternoon she was gone within minutes. It’s all about her in her mind and I am disposable. So, of course friends and church members and others despise me and disrespect me. But God has a plan in this. I just can’t see it all yet but I trust one of the things is my wife’s need for true salvation and conversion and for me to have a better straighter walk with God.

      We have no children. This was supposed to be our honeymoon year and we were only together 4 months and 3 weeks when she walked out and turned everyone she could against me. I am not perfect and I know marriage can be hard especially the first year. But I tried to be ever mindful and loving of her as Christ loved the church. And supportive of her medical condition and needs attending over 3 dozen appointments together and several trips to the emergency room for her seizures and headaches. I do know how women think and am usually quite good at understanding and meeting their needs. The majority of my lifelong friends have been women as you well know. But not this time. And this was the most important woman and relationship for me to succeed. I really wanted to be there for her and be the most loving and devoted husband ever. So my heart is deeply grieved at my failure.

      There are no children. She was 41 and never married before according to her. But that is not proving out to be the complete truth. Many things have come out that show she was not completely honest about herself or life in almost every way. Yet, GOD has a plan. Please pray for me to have strength and to not give up either. But please pray for her heart to soften and for her to love Christ and God, even more than me. That is all that is important as we come to the End of the Age.

      Her mental attitude has changed to the point where she is allowed to run free still but she has absolutely no regard for the welfare of others and rarely hides her contempt of other people these days. As far as I know, her family protects her and will not speak the truth to the authorities or the doctors because they are too ashamed to admit her condition. Not to mention the dynamics in families with multiple narcissistic personalities present. So they have court orders forbidding me to see her. Husbands have few rights in this country. She needs to be hospitalized and assessed for her mental/psychological behavior but no one can force it. And she won’t go willingly. And to ensure her freedom and to keep me from telling the truth to the authorities and the doctors, she went to court and told the magistrates (judges) she was in fear for her life. There were no witnesses. No evidence. Nothing. Because she was never abused. And the judge looked right at me and said I believe her and I don’t like you (you call your witnesses brother and sister, because they were from church) so I am giving her her request and you will go to jail if you try to see her, contact her or approach her in the next 3 years. Which also means I cannot work in any of my given fields in this country.

      So there you go. That is the truth I am governed by. So, you can see, it is too difficult or too costly for people to remain my friends and her friends never got a chance to know me in 4 months and she made sure we never got together with her friends. She avoids the church and “our friends” because they know the truth and know how I was with her and how I treated her, day and night, in public and in private. So she goes out to her old friends in the world who have tattoos, do drugs, and attend rock concerts and have nothing to do with God or church. And they believe her. And her stories about me. And how she was abused by me.

      They don’t know how bad her brain tumor is or all the changes she has been through. They don’t live with her 24/7 so they only see her facade (or false self). They do not see how she is in private or the rage or anger she has. Neither so the doctors. So although the doctors know me and seem to like and be sympathetic to me, the law prevents them from truly listening to me or acting on my knowledge or recommendations. The courts and law are very anti-Christian and I do not hide the fact I am Christian and many (not all) judges and police officers have embraced evil and money and selfishness so they protect her and allow her, and help her to destroy me. The three friends I have left can clearly see this. Meanwhile her friends think I am the bad person and so they wait in places to ambush me, hurt me, and they continue to spread false lies and gossip about me. . . because she is so believable. She believes these things about me (or the demon in her does) so she can even pass lie detector tests.

      Of course people judge me and believe her. Who would want to believe that someone could be so evil they would falsely accuse, try to anihilate or destroy their own husband or want to see him dead. Nobody does that for no reason, right? So they assume I am guilty and treat me that way whether it is the truth or not. And most certainly many Christian people do not understand when I tell them that I felt led to be there for her and treat her like a wife should be treated not because of the way she was treating me.. Why would God call you to something and then have things work out so poorly, right?. After all a good God only allows good things to happen when you are in His Will, right? So, meanwhile, the church turns its head to this evil and pretends not to see so that they don’t get dirty hands or have problems with others. Yet didn’t Jesus do that! Didn’t he go to the lost and hurting and dying in society and the friendless? Didn’t he even choose to make some of those “undesirables” His disciples.

      And the more I try to protest or defend myself, the guiltier I appear to be. I know you say you can imagine the pain. I am not trying to be a martyr here but perhaps you can get a better idea of my pain. Still, I know God has a plan. And I know I need to pursue the truth, and defend myself, while at the same time doing my best to protect my wife (as I am trying to protect myself from her) and not cause her any unnecessary harm. That is what we are called to do as Christians right? So this is my dilemma but it also my challenge and the privilege God has bestowed upon me.
      I hope this allows you to understand me better. I do not understand my situation of why I am in it. I just know I am and that I am called to be like Christ in my actions.

      For those of you who do not share my Christian faith, I mean no disrespect to you or your beliefs. I am merely living by the belief I have and that I need to do my best to be faithful to.I realize the smart thing to do is to let her have her way and have no contact and to not “poke the bear” so to speak. This is something I cannot do; to just ignore it and not speak out. It is wrong. It will always be wrong. Evil is evil. And there can be no compromise on this issue. We are taught to speak the truth in love. And that is what I plan to do. I do not want to cause her more hurt but enough is enough and someone needs to stand up and stop the “body count”. I’m sorry that defending myself and others will cause her narcissistic injury but I must weigh that against the cost of the other lives she is continuing to destroy. I do not suggest you do this. But if you would, pray for me. Pray I would do this ethically, morally and legally but that I would be successful in this. Pray she gets the help she needs. And if you would be so kind please pray for her salvation.

      1. that was me dealing with my now ex. hes one way to others but he ALWAYS hated me.and after 33 years of living with that Jeykll/hyde person, i ended it with an uncontested divorce, he told so many lies to our oldest daughter, accused me of adultery, stealing his money, etc, and im not like that at all./ i never knew much about him at all before i married him, i know he was dropped on his head in the Army. from a zip line, and did lots of acid in high school and sold it too. and was abused in his fathers house, i dont know how orwhy, i just knew it had to be over, i have the paid off house and the paid off car. and its much more peaceful in this house, i didnt ask much for money when i left him because its the only security he thinks he has in the world, its his obsession, money. im Christiann too, and sometimes I wonder if something didnt jump inside of him the night in the 70s when he and his friends were in a cornfield playing with a Ouija board. just divorce her , recover and be more careful next time, i know i am.i have moved on and will be with the Real Man that really loves me, ive known him 20 YEARS. and hes decent. just start all over again, and pray for strength, GOD will give it to you.

      2. Please watch (on you tube) priscilla shrirer’s sermon releasing your grasp.Watch it again and again. Watch Tony Evans”s sermon on his teachings àbout Elijah and how Satan holds you hostage(this one is so powerful) this is on may 1 2016.may God show you and let’s you hear things and see things the way He does with these sermons.Please watch and may the Holy spirit guide you. I amalso in the midst of such a relationship and I have kids as well, we shall be going on a relationship therapy and I pray That God leads us to someone of His own choosing, but in that journey I just want to more so trust God and release everything to Him, He will show me and my children a way out at the right moment and the right place. May God give you the strength to release your grasp and to be silent in the midst of this all, only be not silent to God and as you do this, watch Him work, you will be amazed…glory and honour be to God in Jesus name I pray Amen.

    5. Thank you! I was going through the same thing once who I trully thought she was a best friend. All the time she wasn’t a Godly person. I believe she might be Lucifer daugther.

  2. This post is so on target. You can even see how this works in the political arena. The Second Life sociopath trolls my photo groups on Flickr. So naturally she accuses me of being the troll. I recently got an email from a contact who wanted to know if I was really trolling her. It seems she is sending email to my contacts with accusing me of trolling her. The thing is that I never think of her until I hear one of these lies. I try to explain to people that when she tells them these things she’s using them to stalk me. But she is so convincing and so good at using our gender stereotypes about the ‘helplessness’ of women to her advantage that most people wonder why I’m harassing such a nice lady. I suppose I’m lucky that my reputation is strong enough that those who have been a contact for awhile ask me about her lies.

  3. And they are adept at convincing your loved ones that you are to blame….crazy….a liar….trying to “destroy them”…..I learned all those lessons. Too late, of course, but learned nonetheless.

      1. Loser won and took all four of my children with him. I was a young, innocent girl who trusted a man more than I ever trusted anybody. He took that from me. That’s hard to recover from and it’s not the only thing he took from me. He also took my health…as in gave me an incurable STD.

  4. yea another great post! when i was getting texts from my ex sociopath i sent them all to his new girlfriend lol we exchanged a few messages and the things he was telling her was exactly what he used to say to me, like, where would i find time to cheat im either with you or at work, exact same and she found texts to other women on his phone so hes already targeting new supply! they just continue their cycle eww so glad to be away from the mess and these blogs are life savers! xxx

  5. Eventually I have found out what kind of relationship I have been in ..I have been acussed of the most insane things which where not true . all to find out her lies have been exposed that she was doing all those things herself . she has turned all my friends against me . even the church believe her . I’m labelled as a narcasist but she is one …I cut her out but a month later she tells me she is pregnant with my child …not even knowing if its mine . she is now using this to control me . I have offered to pay for medical aid all her scans etc which she turns down but tells everyone I won’t pay a cent . its destroying me …I have now blocked her but it seems to make everyone think all her accusations are true that I won’t contribute ..I’m so sick of her games . the nicer I be to her the worse she gets to me . do I just keep cutting her out and handle this in court if the child is mine . its destroying me trying to reason with her .I wish Carrie would read this . I emailed her the link …Lol …made things worse. Thanks for a great site ….so so true. Until u live with one u won’t understand how insane it can be .

    1. Yes make this about the child ross. Say you don’t want to be in a relationship with her. You have doubts about paternity and would of course be happy to pay child support and support child as a father if dna shows you are the father. I am sorry you are going through this.

  6. Thanks for the quick response . at least I now know I’m not the crazy one . she made me doubt myself ..after reading this I understand that it was her game to avoid the truth coming out . if I confronted her with the truth she could not handle it and would automatically attack me by accusing me of something …confronting with the truth was the worst thing I could do ..I was going to accept her games and play along just to be there when child comes but I realized I will loose my mind if I put up with her games one more day . pos girl …does a spath believe there own lies ? Example …she accuses me of lying , cheating ,plannng on kidnapping the child and so on ….which I’m not doing …does she believe I’m really doing those things or does she know she is making it up to hide the fact she is doing things behind my back ?

  7. I am a week into no contact I miss her very much but I don’t miss the constant systematic toxic abuse.
    In 5 years she never once said she loved me.If I asked why she’d say normal people don’t seek compliments.
    I got shouted at for no reason bullied and manipulated horrible horrible time and I was blamed for everything.
    Now I find she cheated hundreds of times and I was faithful.what an idiot I was and she cleared my bank too always saying I will pay you back. Seldom happened.I am a fool what the hell happened how did I get sucked in ?

      1. So true I have written it off not worth the stress.
        I would say to her you look nice today her reply why am I ugly the rest of the time.
        If you say I’m ugly then your cheating.
        I Then have to grovel saying I wasn’t a cheat having done nothing wrong very confusing.
        When I tried to kiss her on the cheek to say goodnight I got a karate blow.
        I left forever.
        So devastating I couldn’t help but drive past her place another day late at night there was her new lover.
        Poor man but god it hurt to realise I’ve been completely used.

      2. It is really difficult. It isn’t so much that you are hankering after that person. it is how much crap you put up with from her. The lying, stealing, the crazy head space that was so abusive. Then she swans off, with someone else, like….

        You went through all of that…. for??? What?…. That is the kick in the teeth. However, he has no prize – he just has YOUR old problems!!! He took her off of your hands, and this is a good thing.

    1. Oh man “constant systematic toxic abuse” that’s the best way to describe the last year of my life. All the gifts bought for me were just compensation for the lies and cheating. He couldn’t show love so be bought me nice things. I’d rather exchange all of the gifts for a compassionate connection to a man.

  8. Sorry to go on but I feel very raw at the moment. She said before I left I could visit her for sex once a week as long as I didn’t speak and left straight after. No chance then she said I could watch her do it with another man to learn how to do it properly. Pure toxic

  9. Thanks so much just so nice to be able to tell someone thanks for listening.I will miss one of her family she was a lovely person but she never grew up with her. Her other daughter was so selfish I couldn’t believe it.now I see why.
    I feel so confused like I’ve been an alcoholic who has finally stopped drinking. Every thing was a lie and I was used that’s what’s hurting me most

  10. Another question how can you do really good things for someone (I helped save her cousin from harm ) I was a lawyer until she cost me my job. The day after any good I did was forgotten
    She told me only a week ago her life was never so low as with me and she wished she was with her friend.Who has lots of money but he’s nearly 90 and I’m 50 years younger!
    Yet she looks stunning and men go weak at the knees when she talks but I know the real her she feels no love she never cries I think I was just a possession that she needed but doesn’t anymore
    What sort of sickos are they?
    I’d never heard of a socialpath till a week ago

    1. How long were you together for Bob? I really feel for you, when your job, your career and your reputation has also been damaged. They do that deliberately as often this isn’t something that they have. I know it feels so unfair? You have been kind to someone, done nothing wrong to her? This doesn’t work with the normal law of karma/cause and effect? Does it?

      We think (or I did) treat people right and they will do the same to you? Maybe it won’t work out? But… you don’t expect someone to use you, then kick you in the teeth after you gave them everything, and make out that THEY are the victim left lying in the road! (cos you know that she will be telling her new victim this, don’t you?)

  11. That will really hurt as I honestly tried my very best in fact I tried too hard. 5 years wasted. By the end I was given days of silent treatment told I am thick have a mental disability and am a coward.
    I used to pray to god that she would be nice and I stopped speaking so I wouldn’t upset her.
    I was a prisoner in fact I am scared of her when she gets angry which can happen anytime it was horrible.
    Don’t think I will ever trust again.

    1. Bob, what is important, is to just take time for you now. I experienced very similar to you. I was also his prisoner, He controlled my thoughts, my life, isolated me. I kept giving and giving…. his life kept growing, and my world grew smaller.

      We split a year ago finally. for good. He came back into my life a few times. (you will notice this blog started 3 years ago). You know when you prayed to God Bob, your prayers were answered. Do you feel like she has everything and you are wiped with nothing? …. this is an illusion, I believe your prayers were answered, and she was removed from you. To protect you. I know, reality is a very hard place. If you want to understand this blog, start at the beginning in 2013. (on the left) Go through, read comments from other people. Know that you are not alone. YOU WILL HEAL, it does take time. I am not going to say to you that healing is overnight. She was around for 5 years.

      Do you have any other support? Friends/Family? People around you? Or did she manage to tarnish everything so that it was just you and her? While she had a secret life behind your back?

  12. Thanks. I wasn’t allowed to see my friends she said I was going to cheat.If I was sent shopping I had to hand the phone to a shop worker to prove I was telling the truth.
    Then she would smell my clothes saying they smelt of perfume. Drove me mad.
    going to read the whole blog need to get my head round it. I now think she sold sex although shed never admit it I once found lots of money which she lied about.

    1. Yes I went through similar. I stopped seeing my friends. I had friends I had seen all the time since 1993. First time I stopped seeing them was when I met him. I know it is humiliating and degrading and you keep doing more to keep them happy. But it is never enough and they demand more and more. Unless you are left brain dead and empty often with an empty life and empty bank account too. You will process this bob. You will heal. It’s just going to take some time

  13. Oh and should say thanks for listening.I am very grateful and I am very sorry it happened to you too.I hope you have recovered.
    For me this is bizarre I’d never heard of socialpath behaviour and since looking on the Web I have learnt so much in a short space of time
    Her nice daughter gave me a xmas which I have just reread it said she hoped I found happiness after all I did for her mum. A sweet kid.perhaps god was listening after all

    1. They bombard you Bob, are there in your airspace every second of every day. Either demanding attention, hoovering you in, or spitting you out, or accusing you of things you didn’t do so that you feel the need to defend yourself😦 You won’t feel like this forever. What support network do you have Bob?

  14. My support work dissolved I realise I have become an emotional prisoner but because it is done slowly and you love the person you don’t notice until it’s too late that’s what’s happened to me.
    At present can’t listen to music, songs set off really painful memories.
    She used music to create an atmosphere part of her seduction techniques. Her favourite being I found love in a hopeless place.
    Makes me sick even thinking about it. I am going to take ages to get over this not sure I will ever trust a woman again.
    She seemed so genuine the tale of her cheating abusive ex husband ….wonder if any of it was true?
    I was taken in gave her sympathy looked after her!!
    That and the thousands she conned me out of I am an idiot.

    1. I heard about mines exes he said the same about them too. I spoke to both, one by email the other on the phone, a few times. Both said the same, I didn’t listen. I know it probably doesn’t make you feel any better, but I went through much the same as you, different, but the same. I can say that a year down the line, after split, I do get angry about it. just how anybody could be so sick, cruel, depraved and do the behaviour that they do? ….It is the way that they are. You will heal, if it gets really tough, please talk to your doctor also, you don’t have to deal with this alone. What you have experienced is abuse. In the UK it comes under new cohersive control laws. This is what she has done to you. Don’t underestimate it. You are not weak, you were not gullible, she was a master con artist. I am sorry to hear that you are suffering.I can say, that it does get better.

  15. Thanks you are very kind .taking each day as it comes feel like hiding away but then they win I suppose. So glad I’ve found information about these people they really are nasty yet appear angels.She told me she was religious her favourite bible quote :’men are put on this earth to look after women”
    not sure anymore

  16. She said she emigrated lied on forms she used to laugh about it but I never found out bizarre really think she was my age

  17. I haven’t got clue her real age she came from Africa I took everything at face value it was impossible to check I tried

  18. What do I do when the sociopath and I have three kids together and he is using them as weapons against me and starting to treat them the way he has treated me ? Now he has taken me to court for contempt and I’ve had to pay thousands of dollars in attorney fees and he is trying to get more time with the kids and the courts are granting it to him because he is playing the good dad and in the mean time he is abusing them emotionally? I feel like I’m losing and the kids are the ones suffering .

    1. Hi Angie, this is awful. Are your children being open about his emotional abuse? I mean are they saying this verbally? Or is this a feeling that you are getting? What do you mean by emotional abuse?

    2. OMG!!^^^^ thats what happened to me!! only I have one child with him. It has cost me thousands over 15 yrs in court. He played the good dad too. He still is and blames me for everything and tells that to my son drilling it into his head. He has heard all lies. He is 18 now and still thinks its me . I want to try to get him to read a few of these warning signs to see if it sounds familiar to him. He is a prisoner just like I was and just doesnt know it. How do i\I get my son back??

  19. I just started reading this last night . I have been crying uncontrollably all day today. To be honest i read this about a year or so ago.. but i went back. I shouldn’t have. I was stronger then. I have lost all my jobs. He has mooched off me for 4 years. He cheated on me. He does EVERY THING that this and every other sociopath blog site says he does. I have no money. I am 33. I left my beautiful husband for this psycho. Im crushed. Tormented. Anguished. Will i ever recover??????

    1. Hi Julianne, yes of course you can heal and recover. First of all you have to fix you. Look deep within you for the answers. it sounds as if you have deep regrets about leaving your husband for this man?

      But, there were likely problems in the relationship, or you were feeling unfulfilled or you wouldn’t have left. Maybe you could think about that? How much of your life have you spent on your own? How do you feel about being single and spending time on your own?

    2. I did the same stupid thing. Thinking the grass was greener on the other side. Only I cant go back, there is no back with my good husband he is no longer with us. I am still dealing with the monster I fell for. Tormented yes that’s a word I would use.

  20. “Accusations, control..” Spot on! Last year I was dating a guy for a few months. The first month he seemed like a great guy but starting from the second month (after we had agreed to be exclusive) his behavior changed dramatically: Wanting to see me every time I had free time, being jealous about my friends (both male and female), calling me ridiculous when I went out with my female friends on a Saturday evening instead of being with him (even though we had seen each other three times that week), replying negatively when I told a positive story of my life, texting me mean things when he was drunk, accusing me when he lost his credit card and when he couldn’t extend his visa etc. And this one time when I had just come home from work and was feeling tired and hence preferred to stay at home that evening, he had suspicion that I’m mad at him (simply because I said I’m too tired to go out that night.) He then accused me that I’m lying and asked me, with a very serious tone, to just tell the truth. What the heck are you supposed to say when you are honest but are accused of lying?!😀 My red flag signals should also have beeped when he called his mom a bitch and his sister a whore.

    I ended it in the end of the second month, when I had had enough and he wasn’t changing his behavior. Around the end of the second month we both had moved to different states due to work so I decided that a fb message can do it as the distance was now quite distinctive. I was honest and straightforward in my message but also polite and calm. The next day he sent me 37 fb messages ranting how this is a wrong decision to make, that I’m immature and all in all just insulting me. The day after that he wrote me “whoa, I was drunk yesterday” but didn’t apologize. I blocked him on fb a week later because he really started scaring me and because during that week the only thing he wrote me was ”I won’t have time for you when you answer me.” It’s been 5 months now and I’m starting to get back to my feet. I also blocked his phone number and e-mail address because he kept trying to contact me a month after the break-up – writing that this no-contact for a month was a good thing (Um dude, I broke up with you a month ago ending with “please do not keep contacting me.”) He also tried to convince me to get back together, by writing “I need a strong and independent woman like you.” Well, at least this thing has taught me what kind of boundaries I’ll have in the future with men, what kind of behavior I won’t accept, to always always listen to my gut and that I can live a happy and fulfilling life as a single Love and courage to you all❤

  21. I wish it were all that easy…no contact. For 2 1/2 years he forced me into being with him. He followed me every where. For the last 18 months I have attempted the no contact rule. This monster does not give up. He leaves dozens of roses at my door in my mailbox. He sits outside my house and waits for me to get home. I have left two gyms to get away from him. I left s job and he doesn’t know where I work now because he stalked me at work. The one time he threatened me I filed a police report and applied for a protective order but was not granted. I have cameras on my house and have him recorded looking in my bedroom window. Guess what the cops don’t care. Their question has he physically hurt you? No he hasn’t. So their reply is until he does there is nothing they can do. Tell me to enjoy the roses and the gifts. I’ve finally realized this is my battle and no one else’s I’m in it on my own. No one believes this could continue for 18 months if I wasn’t doing something to “ask” for it. He has successfully made me look like the crazy one. The total time I have known him is almost 4 years and it’s been emotional rape most of the time. My parents are old and sick my plan after they pass is to move to another state probably and change my identity. It’s really sad that a person can do this to another and the law does not do anything for this type of abuse. The total rejection I have given him is driving him mad and he is determined to make me pay. My hope is some day (wish it were now) there was more awareness of this sick mind and how they affect the people they focus on and we didn’t look like the crazy ones. I wish there was a law in place for people harrassing you with gifts. There is a law in the UK but not in Texas. It’s not considered stalking/harrassment unless they have physically harmed you or threatened.

    1. Ann absolutely I empathise with you. I experienced the same too. the post ‘how to get even with one’ was written after a lengthened time, when actually trying to do no contact was impossible. He made my life hell. He would show up at my doorstep shouting yelling, accusing me of all kinds of things. You can get an injunction order for them to keep away from you. BUT – I found that they don’t care about the law and if pushed they will set YOU up if you try to report them. The fact that you are thinking of moving state and changing your identity is sad. When nothing else worked I prayed, oddly enough he did move on. I think he has even left my city!!🙂

    2. Wow, you sound like me too. The stalking and the gifts in the beginning…But when it doesnt work does he get angry and call you names?Just thank God you have no children. He is on your property you have a right to defend your property, just sayin

  22. Hey im a guy and its my wife who is like that to me. So all u man haters here. It takes two to tango. And im sick of men been pointed at. Fuck use all. So dont act all oh poor me. Caus use fuckers are the same and doing this as ur lil mind game of ur own. Use all telling urselves that u are right and don’t do shit.caus u do. Us guys can be cunts but we are cunts caus use make us be. The end

    1. Not a man hater you are responding to a post that was written about ‘he’ as it was written 3 years ago. later posts were written gender neutral. I am sorry but sociopathy is often male, females are often diagnosed BPD or Histrionic…. i am not saying that is right or wrong, but this is what the statistics show.

  23. I dont know of any problem,i hadnt seen sister in law in 3 years,she was suggesting that i said or done somebookthing relating to facebook i dont have facebook i dontin gossip to and fro from the in laws never have but they have dobe me they have turned on me and i dont know wy brother in law threw me out of house im gobsmacked whos been lying un famiky abd bkamed me

  24. I have been in a relationship with what appears to be a well together person for 15 years. I am a male, she has cheated on more than one occasion with numerous apologies, i feel so lost sometimes no one truly understands me because she is so good at using her tears, when i say i need my divorce people say give her another try but i know the pain, i know the lack of empathy but she convinces everyone even me at times that I’m being cold and heartless. We are separated we have five (5) children together which i mostly raised because she was studying and working. This was a challenge for me because I grew up in a home where men are supposed to be the stronger provider but my wife got a break and I always said i would never block a woman from progress. Well it destroyed a lot of me. My five children 4 boys and my 1 princess at the hand of a selfish mother who’s desire is to come out a victor in a battle where she deserves no charity yet charity is given. My Christian background hinders me from hating her so when she manipulates everyone it hurts yet i still care for her. In short, this article is her! and i am devastated it was my Councillor that told me to read up on Sociopaths and i stumbled upon this one. But sometimes she is so convincing plus i hate not being around my kids i feel like trying but its like i already know it won’t change anything it will just give her a victory.

    1. How I love the line about the tears. My ex is so good at that. Turning the water works on just a the right moment. He a big guy so they see it as, ‘wow, this guy really must hurt’, ‘he is in such pain for him to cry!’ That is such bull!
      This is how he stole my son away from me. He even fooled the forensic eval. He convinced my son at age 9 that mommy is no good and that I hit him. The kid had no choice but to agree with whatever he said. He has such a fear of him its terrible..He fears what his father “might” do if he gets angry at him. I can talk til I’m blue in the face and tell my son he isn’t going to do anything to you, but he still wont stand up to him. Although now I see why because it was just like what I went through trying to have a conversation with my ex.
      I don’t know how to get my son to believe me, now he is 18. We have gone through a lot during the 15 yrs., in and out of court. Thousands and thousands of dollars wasted left me busted. Now he has a new agenda: blame mom, now that you want to go to college, how am I going to pay for it because your mom made me use all my money on lawyers. That is so ridiculous. Its because of him! My son wont hear me out.
      Engaging my son in all the court issues when he was not supposed to discuss any of it with him, has made him angry at me. I havent seen him in a while because his father told him to block my number so I dont make him sad and upset. Bah!. He is very confused. It hurts me to see this in my son. I love my son and never ever let go. Thats why I had to fight so hard to be in his life.
      How does he deal with his father being a sociopath with out getting just like him. He does show signs…..I’m so upset right now. I had to go on meds just to cope with him, been on them for years. He uses that against me too…

  25. This blog post is also very helpful to me, thank you Positiva.
    The narcissistic rage post and this one…
    The truth hurts a lot but this is who he is. I cannot wait until it is finally over for good.
    💗 To everyone!

  26. I wish it would have been that easy for me. This is one sociopath that wanted his child. Used my son to get to me. He hates when its ‘calm’ and going good. Has to create something that brings us back to talking or to court so he can see me. I have spent thousands in court for 15 yrs. Now my son thinks its all me because he has been so brainwashed to think I am the one destroying his life. How do I get him to listen he just turned 18. He has been living with his father since he was 10 yrs old only because he got my son to lie for him and say I hit him. The kid didnt know any better. I got arrested and so it spiraled down from there. more to this but its so much to type.

  27. This is happening to me from 8 years. I didnt know i am in relationship with a sociopath. Thank you for your article

  28. I am so glad I stumbled upon this site. I’m living this now with a man. The last 2 months have been hell…even when I have hard evidence he’s a liar, cheater, control freak..I’m accused of lying, cheating, acting crazy, stalking, bringing drama to his life.
    Now I’m starting to see the pattern & know this guy won’t change.

    1. Hi drea, I hate to say it, but no he won’t change. Although he might fake that he can, he will, is going to, is getting counselling, he will do ‘anything’….. if he is a sociopath he is also a liar, a pathological liar, and that won’t change.

    2. If I may offer some advice…
      And I might be wrong but..
      Keep your head up and be proud of who you are. Don’t try and call him out..don’t try to defend yourself to others..the more you try the worse it gets..the people that really know you will be there no matter what is said durning the Smear Campaign.. When they say the victim suffers alone it’s correct..and its hard…lonely… Frustrating… Painful…but does you no good to defend yourself..keep up with this group….they listen and understand but being a victim of a narcissist psycopath I think can’t be understood by anyone but the ones who have been there. Do me a favor and walk with your head up where ever you go….its important to not lose that about yourself. I lost that I can’t go anywhere anymore without keeping my head down because I’m so broken I’m getting better but I lost that Pride I used to have them myself and I would do anything to have that back.

  29. Twenty years of this! When we sat for three hours in silence one night after I asked him if he could say One nice thing about me… And he couldn’t do it, I began to see the truth of it all. I’d lost friends… Suffered physical abuse….mental Abuse….and somehow it was all my fault. We were upper / middle class with two children and I could not understand what had gone so wrong. My married girlfriends were far less”perfect ” than me…yet I could never do enough to make him happy. Several weeks later I told him I wanted a divorce… That I was doing him a favor and freeing him from the terrible person he claimed me to be. He was angry at first, and then tried all the old charming ways that worked in the past . I did not fall for it. Free at Last! Free at Last!

    1. Wow Amy you are amazing!!! Many wouldn’t have had the courage and strength that you have shown. To stand up for yourself, and to continue to walk and keep going, when he tried to charm and hoover you back in. I am so happy for you. Freedom…. is a wonderful feeling, the further that you get away from them, the bigger the sense of freedom becomes.

    2. AMEN, try it for 33 YEARS. i divorced him, so he can pursue his real only love, money. plus he commited adultery on me and that hurt me very much, cuz i didnt do that, im not like that. yay you. you will recover, i did.

  30. 1000000% accurate, I just walked away from 9 years of being with a very manipulating, controlling sociopath myself; best decision of my life. It’s only been 4 1/2 months, but I have become such a different person without living under a boulder of confusion, fear, self-hate, etc. My parents are also sociopaths, I never understood them or their narssistic ways but irreguardless I refuse to uphold the cycle… this generation will be changed; my children deserve better, and they always will. God is so good in all that he does, I just thank him for the clarity he has given me in these recent months.

  31. can just friends, like one you grew up with cause the same problems? 2 guys, 1 inflicting problems on the other. I thought it was too weird, but, maybe I’m not so bad after all. Will they go as far as ruining your name to get what they want?

  32. My heart is shattered right now. My boyfriend of 14 years on the 9th September – yes 14 years accuses me of switching my phone off, meeting men in my car in the basement, ect. The list is endless. My soul focus is my son to extend I don’t even see my brother and Mom because he has a problem with that. My work e-mails and personal e-mail are on my phone and he reads them. He goes through my phone and I honestly don’t mind as I have nothing to hind, but it’s just the blatant invasion of privacy that really gets to me. Not to mention he’s bugging my phone. So, he literally listens to my whole day and throws my conversations in my face. He’s ALWAYS on his phone. I am not even lying – always chatting on what’s app and facebook. He looks at other people’s / women profiles and tilts his phone when he does this and I just look the other way. He calls me a cheat, a whore, trash, ect.

    He cheated a few times and I always forgave him. I always stayed home even before my son was born I was never an outgoing person like to clubs ect. I’d always be at home.

    I’m just torn because my son loves his Dad and he can be so loving at times. He hates that I work with males but I do nothing. Will it ever end… It’s always been this way just not this bad.

  33. Wow. And I thought I was going crazy. This article has made me realize that:

    1) I am not alone and
    2) what steps I need to start to resolve the situation.

    In fact, after reading this, I have done more research and things are becoming clearer. My situation is my wife who is the person acting as described as a sociopath and my research finding states that most cases are male but when its a female they are another level up.

    I have been strong enough to put up with this, by thinking it will get better but it just gets worse. It seems to engulfing her. Does it get worse over time?

    I have had to work away a few times and the abuse I get is unbelievable. I get masses of abusive texts, get called in the middle of the night on FaceTime and she demands that I turn on all the lights and show her every part of the hotel rooms. I then stood up to this and refused to put up with her behavior but that made it worse.

    I was then accused of being gay because I had a gay person who works for me and she told the kids on more than three occasions that I was leaving them for a man. This is totally unacceptable and makes the kids sad. I sit down with them and tell them that it is not true and how much I love them. Works for a while until she then tells them I am leaving them for another family.

    Ironic as it was her who had an affair and left the family home for a few months. Why did I accept her back !!! I guess I have the dream of a family life forever.

    I am strong and am going to walk away and have “no contact” but I have a few major issues.

    Firstly the kids who should not have to go through what their parents are going through so change is needed. But I know she will make every effort in her power to make me look bad to them.

    Secondly her ability to stalk me. She does this for hours every day. She will 100% get involved in whatever I do in the future.

    Thirdly, while there is no choice, when I make the break how will her condition become worse. I would expect it to as it seems to be getting worse every month for the past five years.

    One final question. Do sociopaths get better? I would expect not but I want to know this for the kids future safety when they will stay with her and their own future behavior.

    Thanks for the article. I feel sorry for everyone who has to put up with people like this and I think there should be some sort of law to protect people when they leave a partner ensuring no slanderous and sociopath behavior is allowed to continue. But then apparently they are, according to my research, very convincing to other people that they are perfectly fine and its their partner who is the lying cheating person, not them

    1. They never change and cannot be helped because they see nothing wrong with what they are doing.They will use everyone they possibly can and twist their minds to make you look like the bad one.They will frustrate you so much and if you finally cannot take it and text them or curse at them then they will have proof that you are the one with the problems or anger issues.People end up seeing a different side of you and it is one that was created by the sociopath.If they cannot get to you they will as my ex wife has use your children against you.Our daughter has been bullied for two years and police have been involved and she has anxiety but my ex wife will stop and talk to the bully and her parents while our child is there or sit with them at the Figure Skating arena and it hurts my daughter and she feels like she is the problem.She has even been told to leave the bully and her friends alone by my ex.This is all to get a response from me and that is the only way she can get to me and she knows it.But it has been going on 5 years now and it is starting to backfire on her because I have always been honest and been there for our daughter and while her mother has constantly lied to her our daughter has seen a lot of the truth and has asked to live with me full time now instead of 50% of the time.It seems like for ever but like I tell people is my ex will have a lot of explaining to do when my daughter is a little older because she knows the truth and has caught her cheating on me when I was recovering from having my Colon removed due to cancer.She tries to buy my daughter and thinks that makes up for all her lies and troubles she has caused.I just love my daughter and I am there when she needs me and our daughter knows that.

      1. It seems that a lot of people, like myself, are more worried about our kids.

        Has anyone been given legal advice on how to record the behavior of the person in question to specifically deter their future behavior and also to show the kids that we were not to blame when they are old enough to understand?

        I have started to keep all the abusive and ‘crazy’ texts and emails I have received from her and all my calm and respectful communication I have sent to her to ensure that if she attempts to turn my boys against me, I can show them the details.

        Also, I would expect that Slander should be a major concern should they lie about any untrue things.

        The problem with all the above is……… that I expect that it makes them even more calculating

      2. It is difficult. If you can not react. As they know exactly how to press your buttons to cause as much pain as possible. It almost seems as if one thing doesnt work they try another to hurt you and make you look bad. I thought of setting up a blog writing to your child. But keep it non disclosal of who you are talking about. Say how you are feeling. When she is older you can tell her about your site

  34. I went to court after all her lying she tried to get full custody of my daughter and a child lawyer was brought in and my daughter was interviewed and they found out the truth.If I had done even a fraction of what she has done I would not be seeing my daughter unless it was a supervised visit.I have a lot of discussions on text and I had to play her game because I could not have a conversation without being taped so I done the same thing.The only reason I done this and I stopped soon after is for when the accusations about me were being told the I had something that showed that this innocent person had another side to her.I have had enough of living like I have to watch every move or anything I say anymore and I have more than enough to show who she really is so I CHOOSE to enjoy my time with my daughter now and I dont play her game.Who wants to life like this? Thay dont want you to be happy and that is the goal to ruin you mentally like they already are.If these sociopaths used their energy for other things they would probably accomplish a lot more.

  35. If each comment had a tick box I’d probably have ticked about 99% of what my sociopath ex has done and how low I have felt over the years. Constantly defending my name, blaming me stuff I didn’t do. Three years ago I kicked him out he tried coming back several times and I had the usual broken promises but I could take no more of his lies I am currently going through the the smear campaign how I abused him and harassed him etc. I’d like to know if the ex’s have moved on to a new victim did they repeat history ? Reason I asked is I’m wondering if he will do the same to her and then people will start to realise all his lies as he is doing dragging my name through the mud I’ve heard sociopaths never change and at the moment he is with her all the time( somethink I asked for) and he defends her which he never did with me (as she thinks I’m the physco and slated my name too) and he is playing the perfect dad and boyfriend

    1. The one i was with got worse each relationship. He was awful to me. Also the one before me (she emailed me) and one before that (we spoke on the phone when we were together and she said what he was like to her). I don’t know where he is now… or what he is doing. I cant see that he changed (see post can a sociopath change).

  36. This is similar to what a scammer by the name of Lyn John does to try to convince people on facebook that she is a victim after she was caught out lying and scamming. She tries to act like she doesn’t care and that the things that were proven against her are lies and that the people saying these things are “narcissists”. She plays the “ignore” and “no contact” game not because she is innocent but because she is a lying manipulative cow that has a masters degree in con artistry. And its also the ONLY tactic she has left which basically saving her from having to prove herself to the people on facebook. These are games that are used by specialist liars which all you guys still haven’t encountered yet. She continuously posts things about narcissists to keep people thinking that she is the victim and to keep her on top and to have that control but it will only last for so long until she gets cornered and will have no choice but to admit the truth. The truth that she is a lying two faced scamming con artist.

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