Victim mentality


The one thing that a sociopath is good at is playing victim. When you first meet the sociopath he will tell you stories, about how horrific his ex was, often he will accuse his ex of things that he was guilty of himself. So, if he cheated, he will tell you that she did. He will tell you that his ex was a psycho and how difficult it was. But whatever he tells you, he will be sure to ensure that he paints himself in a good light. He is great at turning on the waterworks and giving a good sob story.

Sometimes this is what throws people off the scent of detecting that the person is a sociopath. Because they seem so weak, so kind and caring. Remember that a sociopath will always tell you what he thinks you want to hear.

He will tell you great tales of how awful his childhood was. All of this is designed for you to pity him, for it is natural human behaviour for us to want to take care of someone that is needy. And this is what the sociopath plays on. And he plays this role well.

A sociopath is extremely intelligent. He is clever, and creative, and without the burden of conscience, he can weave lies, saying whatever he feels like, to deceive and manipulate whoever is his latest victim.

You will be left with the feeling that the sociopath has had a raw deal. You will be manipulated into thinking that you are special to this person, that you wouldn’t do these things, you wouldn’t cheat, you wouldn’t behave in that way, you will treat him better. But this is all part of the manipulation, designed to lure you in and control you. By opening up and disclosing personal information (which you do not realise are lies), it creates a sense of intimacy. What it also does, is create an environment where you will disclose personal information about yourself. Whilst the sociopaths stories of being a victim are false, the ones that you will tell him, will be true. The sociopath now has a list of your weaknesses, information that he can now use to control you, and later he will destroy you with.

When the relationship comes to an end. You will be amazed, that despite all the sociopath has done to you, he still plays victim. Only this time, he would have found a new source of supply to play victim to, to lure in. This time the person that he was a victim of is you. Lies are now told about you, all designed to portray you the real victim in a bad light, and him in a good one. This enables him to lure in new victims, to gain support for his actions against you, and if he tells these tales to people you know, to isolate you from support.

When the lies unravel, you will learn that most of what he said to you, whilst relaying his victims tales, was as fictional as a Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale.

He was never a victim. He was the maker of his own chaos. He will go on to create further chaos in others lives, just as he has created chaos in all of his previous victims lives. You were the last victim, but there will be plenty more in the future.

Copyright © 2013

17 thoughts on “Victim mentality”

  1. Lover this post…every word is true and exactly what I experienced. I was the victim and now he is onto the next victim..He will never find Ms Right..they are all Ms Right Now….and then discards and moves on. Great post!

    1. @Genie
      True that they are all Ms. Right Now. Early in my relationship to the ex-soc, he commented that his mother had said he was going to end up alone. I thought that was very telling and said, “Well she must know something I don’t; I mean, your mother should know you better than most, right?” He didn’t like that.

      I believe he has probably tried to change but the fact remains, he is foolish enough to think that he can get away with the cons he runs, when the reality is, he consistently runs people off because of them… and I guess he always will. Very sad.

      I know I can’t allow him around me/mine ever again. I’d never want to enable or have him believe what he’s done is acceptable so, it’s really the best lesson I can give him. I’m not rejecting him, but I most definitely reject the behavior. So, all I can do is pray for his change and for others in proximity to him to be protected, and for him to be revealed so that change can happen.

  2. I have just come out of a victim mentality relationship and the words above seem to have been written just for me. I thought it was me. That I was not good enough and that I was at fault. He never took responsibility for his actions. I caught him texting his ex wife telling her he had cancer and that he was all alone and scared and that he would soon be coming home to her. When I confronted him, he was angry with me for seeing the texts and blamed me for invading his privacy. We also kept telling everyone who would listen to him that he was sick and had 3 months to live. All to get attention. The thing is with him, he doesn’t want to change. he likes living like this and creates drama when there needn’t be any. If things are good, he will make a plan to derail something. He plays people against each other so that he is always the centre of attention. I have only just discovered that this is a real condition, but you can only help those who want to be helped. He would, for instance, in an argument, blame me for something he has done by saying “I pushed his hand” Never accepting responsibility for his part in the scenario. Now I know that I am not all to blame and that this is real, I have to move on and cut the negativity out of my life. I do love him, but in this case love is not enough.

    1. Hi Annie, yes this is exactly the behaviour type that you describe. When I wrote that, he was still around in my life, I can tell you that it DOESN’T get better. He was contacting his ex, to see if she was still in there. I would urge you to get out, because he will bring nothing but negativity and destruction to your life. Your life will go round in circles, with more and more losses faced. Trying to repair after being with one, can take a considerable amount of time. The point is, you cant help him, worse, is that he cant even help himself. If you go through all of the post from 2013/14 you will probably identify with it all, it was repeated behaviour that would never change.

      1. Thank you. This is what I sent him:-Dear Sam

        I begin this mail with a heavy heart. You can choose to read it – or not. It’s up to you.

        This letter is to tell you that I forgive you. I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for lying to me. I forgive you for making me fall in love with you. I forgive you for making me trust you and let down my guard.

        I know now that it was not your fault. At first I could not understand. It really puzzled me why you were doing the things you were…They say you know too much psychology when you actually understand why people do things instead of being angry with them. That is where I am. I now understand why you do the things you do. You have, and I am 100% certain, a BPD – a borderline personality disorder. I would put money on it to have it diagnosed by a professional. But as you know, I research, research, research – especially when things interest me. And psychology interests me and so did you.

        So, let me put it to you this way: – I don’t know about you but when I fail at something, I question why. What did I do wrong?, did I not try hard enough?, was it my fault?…. and in doing this I got the answers I so desperately needed.

        • No I did nothing wrong
        • I tried very hard
        • No, it was not my fault.

        You see Sam; it has become abundantly clear to me that you are what they call a Professional Victim. It’s a real condition. This is taken from a psychology book: (and I know you probably won’t read it all, but at least I have said it) these are just some of the traits Professional Victims display – and you do all 14…So finally you can tell the truth. You are sick, but not physically, mentally. You can tell everyone that you have BPD Professional Victim Syndrome. And it is real.

        1. You don’t take responsibility
        This is a classic sign of victim behavior. A victim has trouble accepting they contributed to a problem and accepting responsibility for the circumstance that they are in. Instead, they point the finger, or simply ignore their role in perpetuating the problem. They are not overtly saying “I’m a victim”, but instead indirectly sending the message that they’re a martyr.

        Whenever we argue, you won’t take any responsibility. You turn it around and accuse me. I.e. invading your privacy….you turn things around and make as if I did something wrong….sound familiar?

        2. You are frozen in your life
        Victims believe that they are at the mercy of everyone and everything around them. Usually, a victim will not make progress or advance in their life because they perceive that they are powerless. As a result, their life is stagnant. If you were to ask them why, they would respond by giving you a laundry list of reasons why they are stuck. The real sticking point here is that the victim will not usually tell you what they plan to do about their lack of progress in life.

        All you do is talk about wanting to do something with your life… you never go and actually do it….not even flying

        3. You hold onto grudges
        The victim likes to hang onto old grievances. They carry these around like weapons, just in case anyone ever tries to hold them accountable for something. A victim will bring up old memories and events in which they were probably legitimately hurt, but they use them as reasons why they can’t make changes to their attitude, their life, or their circumstances in the present. These hurts and grudges underpin the victim’s hobbled life. .

        4. You have trouble being assertive
        The victim does not truly believe they can control their life, so they struggle to state what they need, desire or deserve. The victim’s life will usually involve repeating patterns of submissiveness and passivity. This pattern is detrimental to self-esteem and personal development. The victim fails to break this pattern and suffers from potential anxiety or depressive disorders.

        5. You feel powerless
        This could be a shadow behavior, meaning that the victim does not outwardly show that they feel powerless. Instead, the victim will try to be manipulative, coercive, and underhanded in getting what they need. You may have dealt with someone experiencing this kind of powerlessness. Usually, the victim is someone that is suspicious of others, feels insecure, and is constantly needing to know the latest gossip.

        6. You don’t trust others
        This issue is not only a problem of not trusting others. This is a problem of the victim not believing they are trustworthy themselves. The victim makes the assumption that other people are exactly like them – untrustworthy.

        7. You don’t know when to say enough is enough
        In relationships, victims have no sense of limits. They don’t know when to say enough is enough.

        8. You get into arguments easily
        The victim has trouble choosing their battles. To them, every battle is a war. To them, they are under attack all the time.

        9. You feel sorry for yourself
        Victims have a habit of pitying themselves. Their mirror reflects a defenceless child that cannot fend for itself. Since other people do not usually show them sympathy or empathy, they try to give it to themselves, only to potentially appear immature to others. This further traps them in the victim role. They may make up scenarios where they tell people they are sick or dying or that they have been abused. They perpetuate self harm.

        10. You constantly compare yourself to others
        The victim usually struggles with the habit of comparing themselves to others negatively. The truth is that we are all lacking in some respect compared to others. No one has it all.

        11. You see life as always lacking
        Even when something good happens, the victim will seek out what’s lacking or what’s missing. The victim will complain about complaining and then complain that they can’t stop complaining. It’s a deadly cycle.

        12. You are a critic
        The victim has a need to put others down and find fault in people. By doing these things, they get a fleeting sense of superiority. Victims make and break promises on a daily basis. They fully intend to keep them but as soon as they feel that little bit of criticism coming on they will break any promise to gain their “control” again

        13. You think you are perfect
        Ironically, when there is a chance that a victim could be caught in an error, they suddenly become perfect. This arrogance and narcissism closes the victim off from having truly trustworthy and cooperative relationships.

        14. You cut people out of their life
        “I’ve had it – they are out of my life for good!” If you’ve heard that statement before and it wasn’t in reference to an actually dangerous or abusive situation, then you’re probably dealing with a victim. Rather, this statement was likely made in reference to everyday behaviors and relationship problems the victim finds challenging. In response to this, their default strategy is to cut people out of their lives. This highly emotional behavior creates chaotic relationships.

        So, I now know that nothing I could do would have made any difference. I gave 100% of my everything. And no one can ever say otherwise. Not even you! At least I now understand and can deal with it.

        I forgive you. But that doesn’t mean that I condone your behavior. I forgive you so that I can move on.

        I wish you well, and I mean you no harm but I am saying goodbye Sam, for real. This relationship is toxic for me. I don’t want to be friends, or to keep in touch. I don’t want to know what is going on with you or your life or your problems.

        I want nothing to do with you.

      2. If he was a sociopath, ANY attention is good, positive or negative. He doesn’t particularly care which one. He would thrive off of your emotions. Just the first line ‘I begin this with a heavy heart’ he would see this as a line back in. To leave you don’t tell them anything, especially not your emotions. No contact at all, is the best way forward.

    2. My sociopathic ex created a lie about having cancer, I caught him in the lie, he put on a tearful front! I even made him pay off his debt, I quickly became the bad guy! I miscarried, I think he got me pregnant to try and secure me. He said his ex had an abortion, I believe this as she probably miscarried too! He got mad at me for telling him I never wanted to try again. Helainted his mom as awful, said she was a drug doer when he was a child and accused an step dad of being physically abusive. He had a temper, and I feared that physical abuse was right around the corner. He was extremely impulsive with spending, I became the bad guy for controlling his money and telling him “No you can’t buy an xbox while on unemployment.” Glad I escaped!!!

      1. I am pleased you escaped too Amy. I am sorry that you went through the experience of miscarriage. But I am pleased that you got away. People who have children with them can be stalked and stuck in hell for almost ever. Stalking legal cases parental alienation never go back there.

  3. The more I learn about it the more I understand that we are just pawns in their sick game. Thank you for the advice. I will heed it indeed.

  4. I really don’t know for sure if mine is playing the victim. But I guess he does because he told me that all of his exes were just “nuts” and either made him go insane or betrayed him (and he had a lot of exes i.e. short time relationships in his twenties- and a lot of women he slept with, including hundrets of prostitues). And I know that one of his buddys hates to hear my name- I once asked him what he told him and he said “nothing”- so why does he hate to hear my name, pretty strange, huh?
    I left him and told him that of course I did not want to be friends with him because he is a antisocial mysogynist, now he is rubbing his new girl into my face via facebook trying to deliberately hurt me.
    I simply blocked him…
    This poor girl. 😦

  5. I’ve just discovered my ex is a raging sociopath who strung me along while starting a new relationship. Now I’m the crazy ex who exposed him to his new gf. I’m to never speak to him again. Having trouble finding closure..also wondering what is it about me that attracted him and how I can avoid this in the future?

  6. What attracts us is kindness and vulnerablatiy .. sociopaths prey on this type of woman..
    When they find something or someone that better suits their needs they move on.. easy as that .
    You did nothing wrong, I’m also coming out of a toxic relationship with a similar man.
    Move on.. change your phone number , block him in every way possible.. it’s the only way .
    Focus on yourself and surround yourself with positive ppl.. 🙏🏻❤️

  7. I’ve got to stop her, it has to end with me. I know the truth, and the truth is the closest I ever came to being abusive was kissing her ass, and treating her like a queen. Unless of course she considers me outing her, and I, as I also confessed my abject complicity to the non-stop, and increasingly deviant sex, but my decision came only after she’d said; “I’ll call you tomorrow at this time.”, within the next 4 days, I sent 4 texts, then according to her I acted irrationally, but according to every psychiatric resource I’ve read, my response actually took longer than most, as on day 5 I began to tell her how I felt about the Houdini she’d pulled, and that I want and deserve an explanation, she didn’t even bother to respond, and of course the whole time I’m observing bau activity online. Finally that evening, I did the ultimatum thing and told her plainly if she didn’t give me some type of indication, I would be contacting her pastor, and I’d never given her reason to question anything I’d said before, as I am a person who wouldn’t have bother saying it, if I didn’t mean what I said. Nothing in return, so I contacted her pastor, her response; block me. I’ve given her well over a year now to do the right thing, and as I am absolutely certain she is a malignant narcissist, with all the covertness, and feigned christianity, and altruism of the nasferatu who lives beneath the chapel, with the integrity of warm jello, and the empathy of a defunct toaster, yet somehow it seems the entire of the church congregation sees her as a helpless waif. I wonder if this would be the case if they got a glimpse at 1 on the numerous videos she sent me of her pleasuring herself, many recorded within hours of her feeding of secondary supply during one of the many services or programs at the church. How is it so many haven’t even as a natural response to time and circumstance connected the dots so obvious, they actually at this point serve as an obstruction of any critical thinkers view of the reality.
    I must stop her, as I was successful after 8 months of finding her current primary source, and it is as I’d expected. It’s no secret that APD/NPD individuals seek out any and all positions, that come with a sense of control, be it real or imaginary, and many of this type flock to become “drug counselors”, and when she first made this desire known to me, I thought it admirable, now as hindsight is always 20/20, it’s clear her objective has always been to have an unquestioned, unlimited, and completely unfettered, inexhaustible source of narcissistic supply under the guise of drug and alcohol counselor. I knew back then “where” she wanted to have the position, and in typical opportunistic sociopath style, she’s got her hooks in a very simple guy, who none I know of would consider attractive, but he has 7 years seniority at the institution she’d said long ago she’s going to have her practice. He doesn’t have a clue, because as I did, he has his head so far up her butt, he can’t hear, nor can he see what’s prodigiously in front of his eyes, and as she chose him not only to have her resume land on top of the pile, but for his homeliness, as he doesn’t want to hear this gorgeous sex freak is going to systematically dismantle his psyche, nor does he question why she is just as anxious as he is to get to the altar, and takes no introspective approach, nor is cognizant that NO 2 people are exactly alike in every dream and desire. So, what can I do, and I have to do something, as I simply refuse to do nothing while what she perpetrated against me, she does even more so against another. I possess an incredible amount of emotional intelligence, and intuit on most if not all conundrums I face. Knowing regardless what mask she’s wearing now, certain things like being a grammar nazi, she enjoys bitterly, as it allows for her to look down on others, and sorry to say, but my “air apparent” from what I’ve seen has no immediate use for proper use of your, or you’re, and I’ve seen him demonstrate this fact, that for most would mean nothing, but for her, I knew immediately, coupled with the devil’s daughter having this insatiable appetite for “pain” supply, and seeing his being chosen was two fold, but he’ll not see it. He’ll not see it in fact until she’s pulling out the last cotter pin, that is inevitably holding up the pinnacle of idealization where she’s placed him, as she has her way with every aspect of his life, and future. I have to do something, and I’ll let you know, just as soon as I figure out exactly what that is…
    If you’d like to see where this goes, you’re welcome to follow me at

  8. Shit… That shocked me. Even I know now she is a sociopath but I never thought she could have done that also. Extreme outrageous lie… OMG… She told me just same, se dam thing that she was a victim. We were in same school and she was one yr senior to me. After completing the school she suddenly found me on fb. And started doing chatting and then finally asked my number… It was like I was getting a girl without any effort. She started talking about all those things that made me think she is needy and hurted and made victim by previous guys… And guess what she told me the fucking outrageous lie which I could never ever thought of being a lie in reality. She said our chemistry teacher seduced her and she finally fall for him… And then sad story by her that he did that to her,like he made many promises of getting married and things like that. I jus realized this thing after reading ur post. I really Thanx u for all of ur efforts and this is a really great work u r doing.. It’s now almost 7yrss, she has done a lot of damage already but m very much honest with me and now I know the reality …and m also an introvert so can’t stand her fairness. But same time I sometimes get a fear of I lose control over me and unwillingly contact her. Bcs she still is in contact with me. Called me today also but I ignored behaved with her the same way she was doing to me I mean very formal like I dnt have any gf-bf relationship with her. I have not told her that I have found her true face, shud I inform her about this Pls let me know about the same… Thanx

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