Have you ever wondered why did the person I was with cheat so much? Has this person any clue how much their actions have hurt me or destroyed me?
Not all sociopaths are unfaithful. But a large proportion of sociopaths are. Simply being unfaithful, is not part of the criteria for sociopathy, in fact it’s not even in the DSM checklist. But many sociopaths are unfaithful, why is this?
Why do sociopaths cheat?
- Boredom
- Poor impulse control
- Lack of guilt
- Lack of empathy
- To boost narcissistic ego
- Lacking in emotional connection
- Opportunistic
- Additional source for supply
The sociopath rarely cheats because he has met the love of his life. He cheats, because the opportunity is presented to him. The sociopath will take on the persona of people that he is around, so being close to other people, gives new dimensions to his own personality.
Quite simply, the sociopath cheats, because he can. Without guilt or remorse, there is no reason not to. He doesn’t particularly make long term plans, and tends to act within the moment, if an opportunity arises.
Remember that the sociopath does not have the same moral compass as non-sociopathic people. Other people learn that cheating is bad, as it hurts people. It causes pain. The sociopath doesn’t learn from past mistakes and will repeat the same behaviour over and over.
The reason that some sociopaths will cheat repeatedly is:
- Doesn’t learn from past mistakes
- Lack of guilt, remorse, shame or empathy
- Boredom factor, and sometimes for dupers delight and the joy of conning
- Are self-serving, motived and centred
Betrayal is one of the worst feelings in the world. You have been betrayed, you feel stabbed in the back. You can ask yourself the following questions
- Did he ever love me?
- Why?
- Was I not good enough?
It can really impact on your confidence, and self-esteem. You need to know the reasons why he probably DIDN’T choose to cheat
- It’s not personal to hurt you
- It’s not because the other person is better than you
- It is not because you are worthless
It is simply because the sociopath is an opportunist with poor impulse control
Why do some sociopaths cheat and others do not?
Sociopaths are like everybody else in the human population. Whilst they follow similar patterns of behaviour, they are all different. Every human being (including sociopaths) will be affected by their own environment and how they were raised.
You might ask the question, but if they do not learn from past behaviour how are they all different? Each adult human being is affected by the following:
- Childhood
- Environmental factors
- Genetics
- Current circumstances
- Previous life events
This includes sociopaths too. So, for example if a person who grew up to either be a sociopath or with sociopathic traits, if in childhood the father was always unfaithful to the mother and this had a profound developmental impact on the sociopaths childhood family life, and therefore developmental learning, he might display the following behaviour (not all, it could be any of the following), dependent on the personality of the sociopath (as I said all are different) – although they follow similar patterns of behaviour, they can be different also, you could find that the any of the following is possible:
- Lack of respect for women
- Sadistic thoughts about sex
- A sexual (common with psychopaths)
- Or could equally (with or without the above traits) be absolutely faithful to one person, and feel strongly against infidelity
How to recover when you have experienced the betrayal of infidelity
When you first discover that your sociopathic partner has cheated, it can be devastatingly heart wrenching. The sociopath is a liar and deceptive and to your face will do anything to protect the lie. Often the usual signs of infidelity will be absent. This is because the sociopath is used to being deceptive and lying, and feels more comfortable with the lie than the truth. The sociopath also feels no guilt remorse or shame. So will continue to lie, and unless you are smart, will not be caught out (unless he wants you to find out about it).
This can make the betrayal feel more acute, as just when you are coming close to finding you the truth, the sociopath will lie further to distract you, confuse you, or worse still, accuse you of having an affair to cover for himself. The sociopath is a master of words, and a master of illusion. He suffers with a poor boredom threshold. He also enjoys conning and duping people and getting away with it. This gives the sociopath great pleasure.
It is likely that when the truth comes out that the sociopath will blame you (nothing is ever their fault). Making you feel even worse. Many people uncover not just one affair, but a multitude of people that the sociopath was having affairs with
For good recovery
- Get out of the relationship and establish No Contact
- Realise that this is not your fault, the sociopath would have cheated before and will cheat again
- Despite what the sociopath says to you, there is nothing that you could have done to prevent it
- Understand that not all men cheat, not even all sociopaths cheat, but those that do, will continue to repeat this behaviour
- If the sociopath makes promises that this will not happen again, this is a lie, understand it will happen again
- Focus on the tips outlined in the section of recovery and healing
- If you can book to see a good therapist for counselling – do NOT attempt couples counselling with the sociopath, he cannot and will not change, believing that he can will only bring more pain for the future
- Surround yourself with good people, who really do love and value you
- Take it one day at a time
- Don’t focus on the past, and the betrayal, it will emotionally destroy you, let it go
- Don’t compare yourself to someone else. Remember it is NOT because the other person is better than you, in anyway, the fault is with the sociopath not you
- A sociopath who cheats and betrays will always do so
- Remember nothing you do will change him, you can only change yourself!
- Love yourself!!
Dating a Sociopath 
What about a sociopath does not allow them to change? That is such a hard concept to understand. He (my ex of only days, which makes things extremely painful for me at this time) sounded like he wanted to…when you look at them while they are saying that they will prove to you and stop doing what they are doing, they seem genuine. Why can’t they change? Why isn’t there something that can be done through therapy or even medication?
I wish I could fully understand the answers to these questions. My divorce just went through from a 20+ year marriage to a sociopath who left me for another woman. He went through therapy, and it made him worse. I have to keep reminding myself that the person I thought he was never existed. I know it seems impossible, but do your best to move forward and put this behind you. Maybe some day there will be a successful cure or treatment. The best revenge is living well, and that’s what you deserve.
Nice comment. Thank you Lisa. How did you cope with 20 years of lies, deception, carnage, manipulation and control? You deserve a medal!
Lisa I thought I had it bad being with mine for 9 yrs. How does a sociopath get married? So much to a sociopath it could drive you insane. Julie
Ive been married 23yrs and together for 30yrs with a sociopath. She has just left me for a man 14yrs her senior. Denied anything about an affair intil i found photos of them that came up on my fb feed. 30 yrs of continuous lies, decent, secret credit cards and on and on. Her new man has money and this is what drives her. She could never hold onto a job. Hated working. Loved spending. We had 4 beautiful kids together and they had to put up with her bullshit as well. She use to say yes im the problem but i cant fix it. I truly loved this woman even though she treated me like shit. I was hardworking, honest, loving and 100% faithful. It didnt matter. She has just moved onto her next host. These people simply dont love anyone but themselves. Its just a game to them. So if you suspect your partner is a sociopath, get out as they will NEVER CHANGE !
You are right Brett. They never change.
My ex told me that he had changed, and I believed him, only because I had seen changes in him. Compared to what he was when we first got together, and when we broke up, he was completely different. Knowing what I know now, he didn’t really change, he just shifted some things while remaining the same person. In the end, we broke up over something trivial and stupid. But it was proof to me that under it all, he could not change. He changed the little things that he THOUGHT would make it seem like he actually had. However, the last fight showed me that he would never make decisions based on anyone other than himself. Even though he stated he wanted to change and I’m sure he really did, he just can’t. He can’t start caring or feeling anymore than I can stop caring and feeling. Proof. I started demanding proof of his actions. Prove that he loved me. Prove that he’d change. When you stop listening to the words and paying attention to his actions, then you will see there is nothing more to their change than words.
They never really change. Just put on a new mask. Thing is that in their own mind they do believe that they are ‘changing’ as it is a new day (lack of planning) – and they think that they can be different this time. However it is rarely successful and they repeat the same pattern of behaviour – over and over – and once they start slipping and they get away with it (after building your trust by grooming you) they then get dupers delight from conning you a second time. They are selfish it is always all about them. Compulsive pathological liars. Care about nobody but themselves.
I did the same thing with mine, and his words meant nothing and his actions showed it all….
Dear I,
They do not have enough emotional depth to want to change, let alone care about the way they are making you feel. My Ex-Soc changes only when it suits her agenda. To the exterior world it looks like she is “straightening up.” Her dialogue to outside world is “Yes..I’m not drinking.” (This isn’t because she wishes to quit..its because her rich mother has threatened to kick her out…it’s about free rent). She is trying to get of her (and probably ruin) 11 year old son to join her & her 14 yr. old son in living under her mother’s roof. Why? becasue this adds insurance to her mother not kicking her out (if her kids weren’t there she would be gone)…AKA free rent.
WHy didn’t she move back in with her mom when her husband kicked her out? Because her father was alive and would not have put up with her bullshit.
Instead she abandoned her children to move in with some “stud” she met at rehab. Nice woman indeed.
Again they only modify their behavior to get what they want. It has nothing to do with a change in theri character. Trust me, your ex-soc will screw around on you the second he or she gets the oppotunity. The only thing they change is their mask.
I
Mine would look me right in the eyes and swear his undying love to me and said he was going to change so he didn’t loose me. I swear to you I could hear him laughing inside himself. He loved the drama and the game if he could just conn me one more time he would glow as I cried. He would walk out the door and then steep back in and look at me once more and then leave. This went on for 9 years and I’m sad to say it’s still going on. I’m back here again for help. Mine won’t let me go. He shows up when ever he feels like it. I am now installing camera outside so I know when he is here. Like Posit said could we change and start being liars? I couldn’t even do it for a day. A Sociopath can’t be honest not even for a day……
I wonder why they can’t change too! They lie, deny, blame others. It stopped for a while – then more evidence appeared. It’s all a game I think. They might behave for a while…but then boredom sets in and they have to go looking elsewhere….
I found the most disturbing stuff and when I confronted him – I just wanted him to admit it. But I got 3 weeks worth of denials and blaming psychotic neighbours, etc. But I knew the truth. When he realised that – I got another story – He did it for a mate!! It doesn’t seem to matter how much you ask for the truth to begin with! They will still beg for your forgiveness, etc. AND IT’S NEVER THEIR FAULT!!!!
https://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/13/can-a-sociopath-change/
OMG it is like I wrote your post…these people are insidious!
I notice that my boyfriend has moments of empathy. It’s about a week every month he becomes empathetic, apologetic, and what I like to say is “himself.” It was in one of these moments that he explained to me that he believes he is a sociopath. That there is an auto-pilot that takes over him, and he has no control. He cries to me in these moments of empathy. He feels terrible for his words and actions against me. But the clock ticks down, and it isn’t a subtle change. It’s drastic. I know exactly when he is back to being a sociopath. He goes from a smile to a blank, vacant look. he wants to change, he just is incapable. We have discussed medication, but we both disagree with that plan of action. We have been talking about getting him a therapist, as I have essentially been his therapist. Without proper training on my end, I don’t know quite how to amend his disposition.
Hi taryn,
Pleased don’t be fooled by those moments of empathy. Normal people do not have empathy once a week. Often when you see this with those types of abusers, they will tell you what you want to hear often enough to keep you hanging in there. This is the hook. Yes they can fake it. This can be confusing if you love somebody. As for the ‘he wants to change’ he tells you this as he thinks this is what you want to hear. It keeps you hanging on ready for that magical moment when there is change. Again telling you what they want you to hear. As for the getting him a therapist. This again keeps you hanging on. It is in his brain. His brain is wired differently.
I’m late reading this, but I wanted to say that sociopaths do not have the ability to change, their brain structure is different from ours which means no cure. In a sense they are mentally retarded . Psychiatrists will essentially tell you to run fast and don’t look back when you are involved with one, there just isn’t any hope. Our job is to make sure not to get involved with another one, my ex put on match dot com that he wanted a woman with a “good heart”. I bet he did along with all his lies. It is truly breathtaking to realize what I lived with for 20 years , I really could never see it until he was out of my home, my night terrors have ceased since he left , that itself is frightening. Take care everyone and be careful out there ~
He might not have actually been a sociopath then. Girls are very quick to label every guy that cheats on the sociopath because it makes her feel better about her self. But it’s not always the case.
Been dating a sociopath for 6 years. He really says its his demons and he needs my love and help to change him. I’m so in love with him….I really need some advice. If they want to change….is it even possible?
Hi Hurt, and welcome to the site. I am going to be honest with you, and am sorry if this hurts. Sociopaths might strive for change, for a while – but they are opportunistic, devious and manipulative. All research has shown that there cannot be lasting change. You cannot teach someone empathy and the range of human emotions,, they either feel it, or they don’t. This is why no amount of love will change, because you cannot give him those emotions, nobody can.
I need some help
Mine grew up watching his father always having affairs. He even got one pregnant.( Step brother) His mother was strong and a bit violent. Then my BF was married for 25 years had an affair and got caught. Then he met me . After 7 years I thought I was loosing my mind and I google everything he did to me and I saw Sociopath and this site. I now know I’m not crazy, but it’s still hard to let go ;( bit I will keep working at it. Thank god for this site 😉
Its not. My ex of 2 years seemed like a great girl. Told me everything I wanted to hear. And even when I doubted her, she always had some encouraging words or something that drove away the doubt. Sociopaths are good. VERY GOOD at what they do. They are impossible to read and dupe even the most clever and perceptive people. I would say to move on to better things. But as every situation is different I can’t tell you what to do. The only way you’ll ever know the truth from them is if you discover it yourself.
Matthew,
This is true and I have. Even when I know the truth he says I’m crazy and I think to much. He will never admit the truth….NEVER…
They can’t change because little by little they have chosen evil over good, themselves over selflessness and given into their human desires rather than chosing moral obligation. Little by little they turn their back on God and eventually they are almost pure evil. They are evil, plain and simple. They are the wolves in sheep’s clothing. I promise. They “can” change, but it would take a miracle from God. Just walk away and be thankful you have seen the light
Excellent comment
Exactly.
After nearly 18 months of yo yo “breaking free” only to get lured back in (I`m book smart and man stupid)I ran into wife no:3 and realized we were finishing off each others sentences.i had spent 12 years knowing that something was wrong and red flags waving almost on a daily basis.he hadn`t even bothered to change the story lines and went from wife to wife using the same lines.i looked up sociopath and found this blog.thank you so much.i read it everyday and have FINALLY realized that no contact is the only way to really be free.i already feel stronger and have started to have “no tears ” days.Ironically wife no:3 and myself have become pretty good friends and swap war stories which are identical in many ways.she tells me the same about wives 1 & 2.i have accepted the fact that no:5 is sure to follow and at some point in the future she`ll be telling me what he has accused me of.does it hurt?indescribably so but I can say that I don`t fall apart thinking about it.i have acceped that in order to go forward I have to accept that to him I was a chapter but to me he was the whole book.i am down to 112lbs and have IBS from the stress.i would have died for him but refuse to die because of him……..I WILL survive.
Yeah – I am pretty book smart too! Mine had the most amazing pheromones that drew me in. It has taken me a few years to realise what he is. But once I started looking at the red flags – so many of them fitted to a (capital) T! They are fantastic lovers to begin with – (great sex – breakfast in bed) and a lot of fun. He had nothing when we got together. (And nor did I being a recently single with 3 kids) He now has his licence back, a car and a job. (Thanks to my support. efforts, nagging?)
But the stories about “we will have so much more if we live together and you take control of my income…” because he earns twice what I do – yet he is broke… have begun to scare me. I have been working for a year and have NEVER been late!! He does not always get to work on time and I admit his neighbours don’t help his situation. I reached breaking point, so has his boss. He’s a subcontractor and yes his boss is an ass. But hey – look who we are dealing with!
I am saving – even with what he owes me! (and still paying solicitors costs, etc) I am so thankful I never let him move in. Even recently – trying to break up – while his life is going to hell (not my fault) he wanted to move into my garage. I was firm and said no (Tonight between 10 and 11pm – there are 10 logs on my mobile from him – and at least 5 on landline!) We have already agreed that tomorrow is the last breakfast “date” – he knows there will be no contact for at least a month after this. And he has agreed to it.
Him being a sociopath – it will be hard to not respond to the frequent texts and calls I will receive – but I am GOING TO BE FIRM!! If THERE IS ONE THING I HAVE LEARNT FROM ALL THIS RESEARCH – IT IS THE ONLY WAY! It is sad as he says he loves me so much and I know he has changed and improved and come so far (for me). But – hey – sometimes that just ain’t enough. He has done his dash with his lies. I knew what he had done – and asked for 3 weeks for the truth. Denials all the way – blaming the neighbours, then came up with the fact that he did it for a mate! Too late, Babe – I literally BEGGED for the truth initially. You should have given it to me straight away. (Cause I KNEW!)
The funny thing about sociopaths? They want YOU to be honest! Though they cannot do anything but lie!!
They are so convincing – but I know I am so over it now – and have told him I will be a cranky bitch for breakfast. He just hopes to woo me I suppose with breakfasts like he used to do for me. But I am done! TOMORROW IS THE END!
I hope you stick to your plan, it sounds like youve seen the light, good for you! the sex just isnt worth it!! Know what you mean about the pheromones though! Sanity is worth far more!
I have to thank you for writing these articles. It’s like I just went over my entire relationship with you and this was written for me. I am in tears right now typing this to you I feel so relieved to have this information and feedback. It is so clear and kind and helpful. I am honestly lost for words at how grateful I am for your writings. I have been so completely devastated and lost and in the darkest place. I feel sane and clear and supported and validated and so much better.
Bless your heart you are helping so many people who have been so mind f***ked.
I am infinitely grateful to you,
Emily
I have to thank you for writing these articles. It’s like I just went over my entire relationship with you and this was written for me. I am in tears right now typing this to you I feel so relieved to have this information and feedback. It is so clear and kind and helpful. I am honestly lost for words at how grateful I am for your writings. I have been so completely devastated and lost and in the darkest place. I feel sane and clear and supported and validated and so much better.
Bless your heart you are helping so many people who have been so mind f***ked.
I am infinitely grateful,
Emily
Thank you for your kind words Emily and welcome to the site!! 🙂
I don’t even know where to begin. This is truly such a blessing to find such a truthful site. Everything you say is so clear and helps with my healing. I am so beyond thrilled to the point it’s like I’d love to meet you in person and just squeeze you for you kind and genuine postings. It means the world to me as I am in such an awful place and could never understand why things never added up. I get it now. I feel sorry and sad for him as I was left with no other option but to get out. Reading and understanding and learning what he really IS rather than who I met and who he never WAS is such a relief. I thought I had the PERFECT Prince Charming. I really did. I could never understand why things were spiraling out of control, I got a grip and found that this is not just a temporary time in his life, he has a sickening disease that controls his mind. So scary, I am relieved to be living and not under his spell. I do feel sad for him because even though he really didn’t have feelings, just words, I did and I do love him. It is so so sad. I thank you beyond thank you for this whole site, it is helping in healing and dealing!!! THANK YOU from the bottom of my broken but soon to be happy again heart!!!! 🙂
What a lovely comment. I am so sorry that you are hurting so much, but glad that you found us, and welcome to the site. The truth will really help to set you free, as likely you were manipulated and deceived throughout the relationship. Welcome to the site Corrine 🙂
I have just gotten out of a relationship with a woman that I believe is a full-blown sociopath. I guess I was lonely, which she obviously picked up on. I don’t have trouble meeting women, but was still in a semi wounded state over a divorce. I truly do not know what I was thinking. These are a few of things that happened with EH righ tin the beginning:
1. She announced to me the second night I met her that she scares men, told me that I would fall in love with her and that I had better not “delve” or be overly sensitive because she just “says stuff and does stuff” sometimes. I told her I didn’t want to see her anymore.
2. She texed me that week repeatedly and I gave in. She took me to her house & announced to me before the evening was over that she had an affair with her father in Law, and that it was his fault and not hers.
3. The second week she announced to me that she was capable of hitting a man and told me how she had helped her x-husband beat up a young, 23 yr. old employee (who I’ll call R.) of his at their house. She let it slip out while drunk on wine that she would never fool around on her husband. To illustrate this she said there was a young co-worker she fantasized about everynight, and he tried to pick her up a few times when she was drunk after she had “harmlessly flirted with him.” But she didn’t ever really give in. I asked what the employee’s name was. She said R.I then asked her if she thought that maybe the difficulty between her husband and R. was the attraction between the two of you. She said she didn’t do anything wrong and that it was her husbands fault for ignornig her too much.
4. Over the next year her behavior/moods would flucuate between nice-bizarre-bitchy-and cruel. Her cruelty and callousness is what hurt the worst. Her first attacks on me left me shocked and wounded. She just would say that it was my problem and that I was too sensitive. She is parasitic. She lives off her mother, and though she like bragging about what a great breeder she is (4 kids all beautiful like her), it never dawns on her that they are supported by the state and her mother.
5. I started feeling intimidated & expiencing Erectile dysfunction. She said that’s no problem. She’ll just bring over “big Jake” (her dildo) and show me how it’s done.
6. She became enraged about weird things. I was given some awards for service in the military. She said they were stupid. She didn’t talk to me for a week when I deposited a check for $9000 from work.
7. . I could go on, and I’m sure you’r e wondering why I didn’t get out. I tried. I literally could not take the kaos. My health started suffering. I started to break up with her, but she would keep coming back and seduce me. Sometimes I felt like her energy was more male or animal like. By the time a year had gone by I was so confused and weakened I couldn’t think straight. She came back again one last time. SHe lured me in. Then started coming to my house dressed up in sexy outfits. HAve sex with me, then tell me some far fetched tale about some long trip she had to take that day for some reason or another and that she wouldn’t be home till late. Then there were a few allnighters. WHen I finally started confronting her she would become enraged.
After a year I feel broken inside in ways I can’t even describe. I need help and I don’t even know what advice to ask for. I know I’m a guy and ther eare mostly woman on here. But I need advice.
Please help me
Hi Broken,
Welcome to the site. There are a lot of people who visit here who are also male and victims of female sociopaths (and male victims of male sociopoaths).
I know that you feel broken inside, this is because she is taken all of you and your energy. BUT you are still whole inside of you. The quickest way of recovery is to first of all establish no contact. Have no further contact with her at all.
This post explains
https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/establish-no-contact/
And this post explains what to do if you are finding no contact difficult.
https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/establish-no-contact/how-to-get-your-feelings-out-without-breaking-no-contact/
Also remember that this is NO reflection of you, or of you as a man. It doesn’t mean that you are weak or that there is anything wrong with you. You might benefit from seeing a therapist if you feel that you can afford this, to talk things through about what has happened to you. You can recover from this. The fastest way to do this is to establish no contact.
I read both posts and relate to both. The second post inparticular, was bone chilling to read. I have set myself up for this with this woman by trying to contact her after a crisis. But they were crisis that she would calmly cause and then lashout at me for reacting to them. I can tell you there were countless nights when I felt like I was ready to have a nervous breakdown.
One time she came to my apartment (never a phone call before hand) with a hand-written resume & cover letter. Both needed alot of work and I told her this tactfully because I truly think she has a learning disability. Or maybe the disability is that she doesn’t even care enough to express herself in writing when it matters. Either way, I’m a teacher and work with kids with special needs and figured we’d work on it. She became annoyed with me when I kept asking her more quesitons (about her work history/experience & education). Suddenly I felt like she felt she was doing me the favor. I got freaking mad when she fell asleep and told her she was out of line and that I had better things to do than let her “allow me to help her.” The mask came off, and I gotta admit, her eyes sent chills down my spine.
She said things I can’t repeat and slammed out of my apartment. 2 days She twisted it and said “I was at falt and that she was getting ready to thank me before I yelled at her.”
My whole life just fell apart after living with a man for 7 years…the mental abuse started early..I caught him cheating and as I sat on the sofa for 3 days straight crying..no sleep and still can’t eat..while he’s cooking and sleeping and getting angry is unthinkable to me..I can’t emaigen after him being my whole life that he shows no remorse or guilt for ripping my heart out….he moved me away from family and friends and i don’t work so iv been home alone for years just waiting for him to get home everyday..I have no place to go and can’t efford my home without him…is it really possible this whole relationship wasn’t real?? And he never loved me? He’s always been a compulsive lier (which is an understatement) and steels from everyone..has no regard for peoples feelings but always did everything for me and always seemed to love me very much…is he even going to miss me if i leave? while all I want to do is give up…
I wish I could give you a hug
My ex cheated multiple times throughout our time together. Even while we were getting married. Has had at least 2 kids with other women during that time. I now know he never loved me. The sad thing is even though the current OW has experienced the same lies and deceit that I did, she’s staying (more power to her) and is now taking digs at me when all I’ve been is civil. I just hate being in this situation. I just want it to be over. Doesn’t help that he’s changed his number when all I want to do is divorce him and move on
What a horrible hurtful situation to be in. Do you have children with him too?
This is gonna be long..I met my boyfriend at work..i was married and lonely..he picked up on it..he was funny very understanding charming generous..I fell for him …it was so exciting and new..he said he had a girlfriend who he eas living with for 8 years..never married and no kids…unbelieable right..I thought I found my prince charming..we had an affair for 1 year..I’m talking very intence we met once a week and had incrediable sex..amazing..then I had a heart attack died and came back to life..then everybody found out husband family friends..I told no one. Before my heart attack..I’m guessing because of guilt and knowing it was wrong…but I loved him and he loved me so he said ..i seperated from my husband and moved into a apartment by my self..he wanted to move in but I didn’t think we should untiil i divorced..he also moved out of his house that he owned w his girlfriend..in w a friend so he said..but I never knew where he lived until later ..then he got his own apt..which he wanted me to move in..but couldnt until my lease was up..anways im shorten this story..but I finally moved in..and left after 1 month..went back to my husband..who kept in contact w me weekly telling me he still loves me and forgives me..and telling me tis man is going to cheat on you..and he was right..the boyfriend had an affair w another women the whole time we were together..i did see many red flags but he had many reasons for his absence w me..busy work and he is a recovering alcoholic..AA came first so he said..countless meetings..he never drank w me ..until I left…I left him and moved w husband..all he said was goodluck..and went in the bedroom and called this other woman to come over the next day .after all my stuff was out..then the women he had the affair w org was out of the picture..cuz he broke up w her when I moved in..but picked up another woman the one he called when I said I was leaving..who is w now with and going to marry..which he sent me a text message to tell me that.but when I left he told me not to call him or tell anybody about our relationship..or he will press charges against me for stalking..see I didn’t find out about all these woman until I left..that hurt so bad.to think this man kept telling me how in love he was w me..but my gut was telling me something is wrong..and everybody else telling me he won’t be there for you not like your husband who stood by you thru everything I did to him…bottom line is this man never owned a home or lived w his girlfriend who i never met..but lived w this old women he was living off until he got his own apt..who died a month before I moved in w him..i comforted him cuz he he told me she was a good friend he use to work w..but found out he was her boy toy..cuz she had money..and she took care of him in everyway…i found out after I left..I was sick thinking of all the times he said he had to go over and help her…I was with this fool 4 years before I left..I’m just sick thinking of all these woman he slept w while we were together..when I finally confronted him he said it was my fault cuz I wouldn’t divorce my husband..no apolgy..no remorse..just tell me he’s never been happier..and do not contact him..but will text me..once in while to say have a nice day..I don’t respond..its been 8 months since I left and it still hurts ..I know I left him but I knew something didn’t seem right. The whole time I was w him he kept his phone in his pocket..w him all the time..I know it was a flag..but he said he didnt want to miss a call from his AA buddies….why do I still care for this fool..and his ex girlfriend the one he had an affair w ..when he was w me ..we’ve become very close friends..many stories..he took her for a lot of money.he broke up w her on the phone and told her never to contact him..she came over to his apt and demanded all the money she gave him..I wasnt home at the time…but he told me a ex girlfriend showed up and was acting crazy..but not to worry cuz she never meant anything to him..can u belive this piece of shit..and yes i know I’ve been a fool. Who thought I found the most amazing lover ever..the kindest most compassionet person ever..
Did you not think of his girlfriend he had been living with 8 years? Did you have no empathy for her? Or your husband? You did this for a year? How? I would feel bad. I would have too much respect for myself not to have respect for someone else. If someone had an ex in background I wouldn’t go there. Your husband still loved you and you went back to him. You say his affair was with his ex he was living with for 8/9 years? I hope you don’t think I am harsh bit you both sound as bad as each other. There are people here genuine victims who have been lied to and cheated on….
my socio cheated multiple times during our time together. (we lived together 1 yr) and i’m assuming many more times i never knew about, but suspected. i think in his mind he was being ‘slick’ by getting away with it… he went as far as to say this once when we discussed cheating. i think he actually said ‘yeah i’d be too slick to get caught… but of course i would never do that’. so being ‘slick’ was probably his way of performing ‘dupers delight’. i caught him red handed on 3 occasions, the 3rd one being the final straw and i kicked him out. what always struck me where a few key reactions he displayed upon being caught;
1. pathological denial / lying – despite cold, hard facts (the mannerisms of this charade i learnt to recognize well after the first 2 times, extreme defensiveness, grand hand gestures, crazy faces, and reptilian stares… and of course narc rages)
2. always stating that the guy was always ‘so nice and interested in him’ and thus impossibly alluring (hello asshole, i was nice and interested in you too, until you deteriorated into a callous, philandering monster)
3. always placed the blame on me by either eluding to me putting pressure on him in general (i.e. calling him out on his bullshit) or the methods i used to expose him deemed me ‘untrustworthy’ (i found out all 3 times by checking his cell phone)
4. would initiate a break up as if i was in the wrong for calling him out saying ‘how could i ever trust you again after you constantly going through my phone’ etc. you’d think i was the one out there screwing half the planet.
the most prominent feature of all of the above was his complete inability to accept responsibility for any of his actions. sure, he was sorry for about 3 days, but then i was expected to forgive and forget as if nothing happened… until the next time. was like being on a treadmill of never ending confusion and self denial. i kept trying to figure out what i was doing wrong and why he kept stepping out on me. it go to the point that if he went out without me (which was a lot) i knew almost certainly he would cheat or at least give it a try. when we were out together, i was suddenly non existent in the setting. and he gave the term ‘wandering eyes’ a whole new meaning. only to deny it all of course. he would lock onto a target in the room with those psycho eyes and i knew he would have a crack at making contact. it drove me insane… i was labelled paranoid, insecure, crazy, jealous etc. all the while these things WERE actually going on. heck, there were a few times when i saw numbers getting exchanged literally right under my nose. even in the first month of dating.
how i managed to put up with this and keep going with him will never make any sense to me, but i did and let me tell you, i paid for it dearly.
socios are just the worst type of con artists out there. they will layer lies upon lies nd blame shift to the point where it all just becomes so confusing, you really do start to question your own sanity… sometimes i still so and it sucks.
be careful, if you see the red flags, run for dear life. i wish i had many months ago.
I really liked #2 and #4. Absolutely no sense of integrity. So disrespectful to be behaving that way right in front of you, and feeling justified about it. #4 is just the height of irony, but how they are. *You* are untrustworthy for finding your partner so suspect as to have to check their phone for untrustworthy behavior—that WAS justified! Mystifying, aren’t they?
mind boggling yes. always finding ways to deflect blame and make you feel like a delusional freak. it broke me down to the point of depression… which gave him another reason to pick on me. they destabilize, break you down, make you feel crazy and then use it as a veil to continue their covert and malicious behavior…its the ultimate manipulation, one that i’m happy to have learnt and avoid these days. evil personified.
My ex gf exactly…
Separate work separate friends secrets all to prevent getting caught. I went through her phone and found all sorts of garbage. Of course she said it wa only messages.
oh yeah, forgot to mention – he always said after the make up ‘but i do love you’. hollow words from a hollow shell of a soul… with a very handsome exterior.
Yeah, they are not good at knowing when things don’t line up or make contextual sense. Mine held the line on saying he “loved me” via text. I remember saying it to him during an intimate moment though and his response was, “Awwww…”, then, “Why do you say those mean things all the time then?” Kind of like, “Oh, that’s sweet, puppy,” followed by, “You should never do anything wrong then.” Funny how they completely fail to understand it’s THEIR behaviors that trigger OUR negative responses. Don’t do stupid stuff, you won’t be called out! But, I knew in that moment that we weren’t feeling the same thing. Depressing, but better to know the truth about where a person’s head is at.
Jusagurl,
You are so right on about that….I will take so much then I start cussing at him, he looks at me with this look and say’s ACT LIKE A LADY, STOP using those bad words! I will tell him THEN STOP all your BS n drama and start telling the truth. Then I will have nothing to cuss at you about!
Yes they love the ‘i love you’ word…. three little words that fix everything (so they think)
Mine will tx me I LOVE YOU over and over again but saying he has to end it. Because I think all these bad things of him that are not true. Just to start calling me a few hours later saying he can’t live without me. He does this a couple times a week to me…
Ugh it is like they are born with the same manual Julie. Same language same words same actions.
It’s really so hard to believe that people like this are really out there. This was my first sociopath, I didn’t even know what I was in for. I do think they go for very honest people because they don’t want to be lied to. Funny isn’t that…Positivagirl
I have been with him for 9 years and he knows my family, and they think he is wonderful! I have never meet anyone from his side ever!
Really good description of the inner thoughts of a psychopath.. But it’s not just men. My ex fits the clinical definition of a psychopath. She saw herself as above society’s “rules”, lacked empathy for others, and was a amazingly good a deception.
My write-up explains more (http://dhillr.wordpress.com/2013/11/18/an-in-depth-divorce-story-lessons-learned-2/). .. Psychopath is dealt with under the section “My view of the divorce”
jusagurl – spot on. it is THEIR constant disrespectful behavior that incites anger in us. and when expressed to them, it becomes us applying ‘pressure’ or ‘stressing them out’. they are like little kids in rebellion. he always used this as an excuse for cheating. i.e. that my nagging / pressuring drove him to seek validation elswhere. meanwhile keep in mind i am cooking for him, cleaning for him, ironing his clothes, running his errands, you name it, i did it.
well the reality is that if he hadn’t treated me like shit on a daily basis (sometimes hourly) – there wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place. i’ve had many relationships prior to him and the things that happened were just so way out of line with past experience. he never quite seemed to understand this. i literally begged him for respect and emotional acknowledgement… he found that quite amusing i imagine… for the most part i got this message in one way or another – ‘why would i treat you with respect or dignity when all you are to me is a place to dump my shit, we do things my way and any diversion from that you will suffer for’. he was a monstrous child in a mans body, absolute, total abuser. crushed me.
njncguy – i know socios are often times women too. in my case this was a gay relationship… they come in all shapes and sizes. same shit, different disguise.
YOU are so right! I always told mine , he was like a 2 yr old. If I catch him lying (which he always was) he would say I was crazy and then he would make me pay one way or the other. He would say he was on his way over and he would never show up or even call and then turn his ph off..
also a note on the texting thing – my socio was always so willing to express him self via text but the minute we were face to face, he couldn’t cope. would literally fidget, look at his phone and barely acknowledge a thing i said. the phone was his way spewing words he didn’t mean… because in the flesh, he wouldn’t be able to feign the emotional charade very well. i think a lot of them do this. the phone is like weapon that hides their physical lack of emotional depth. he once told me that if i wanted to talk about anything – i had a 30 minute limit (of which he would last about 5). thinking back on it, just plain madness.
So true dear, all emotion is always in written form, eyes lacking in any kind of emotion whatsoever, a good thing to look out for in a kind soul are “smiling eyes” spaths eyes never match their insincere words. Also before entering into new relationships make sure you read up on what make makes for a great partner, sounds simple but we often ignore initial signals.
I dated a person who was ridiculously intense, and when it ended, it took my by surprise. She was a skilled cheater though. She had broken with her ex a few months before getting together with me (though she later admitted that they will still friends with benefits till we got together.) She said she didn’t want to tell her ex about us because her ex was leaving the country in a few months for graduate studies and she didn’t want to hurt her. Here I thought she was being kind. Anyway, the ex would text regularly and our shared Sociopath (S) would gripe about how needy the ex is, but still respond affectionately, which bothered me because she was still leading the poor ex on and giving hope. She would always reationalize that she was being kind and didn’t want to hurt the ex. At the same time, she would put down the ex.
A month she was getting a lot of calls from across the country from a friend of her ex. The calls were almost daily and once I read the ending lines on an email from this girl briefly (which S switched on her laptop to show me something), and it was emotionally very intimate. She brushed it off by saying that they got close as friends a few months ago, and that her ex would get jealous of how close they were getting, but she would brush it off as her being crazy and paranoid. I asked her point blank weeks later when the phonecalls and continued (she would always tell me about them, and they would text often), and she kept saying it was nothing, and that I asked too many questions.
While our first month was all sweet (not so much in retrospect), and she seemed so committed and honest, the following months were confusing with her behaviour swinging from hot to cold. After a few months, she left the country for her post-grad studies, we decided to end the relationship but continue as friends. Yet she would text we with her proclamations of affections, and ask me if I felt the same. On my end, I was trying to be warm and friendly trying to set the boundaries because I was tired of the push and pull, and really just wanted a functional friendship. She was sending me emails about how much I meant to her, and how she wants to be in my life, how she could open up to me in a way she couldn’t to anyone else. I was again being warm but not matching her high level of emoitonality. Then she became cold and terse. Here I thought we were two people who respected each other and she just became someone I didn’t recognize. So I stopped responding and deleted her from Facebook. From a mutual friend, I learned that she had moved on the the girl who was calling her all the time- within a few weeks of us not talking. Her ex apparently got very hurt and angry and cut both of them off.
It’s crazy that she was at some point stringing all three of us along without cheating in the most obvious sense. It allowed to to justify that she was not cheating at all. I’m glad to be out but it pains me to look back and see that a lot of things were lies. Our connection was a lie, and that she was ‘connecting’ with others the whole time. That once I wasn’t responding the way she wanted me to, that she could be so cold and hurtful. It’s been 4 months now and I’m still working on firgiving and moving on. This website has been very helpful in that process, and for that I’m grateful.
Hello everyone. After 8 years I have just recently realized that I’m in a relationship with a cheating sociopath. For so many years I have battled with this until I began to question my sanity and now I finally have an answer for it. But what’s next for me? How do I move on? We have a 2 year old together how can I possibly co-parent with this man? I’m so lost but I’m so grateful I’ve found you guys. Any suggestions or testimonies I’d be happy to hear.
Samsue,
That is the same reason I got here, is I started thinking I was slowly going insane. I have 9 yrs but no kids with him. I am not sure what to tell you being you do have a child together. But I’m sure other’s can help you that have dealt with that. I want to give you a hug and tell you your not alone! Huggggggggggggg
Thank you very much for this precious knowledge. Maybe at some point I can have the strength to tell my horrid experience.
Cat,
Just remember this we all have the same horrible stories, this is why were all here together (thank god for this site) we all have had a sociopath and we have been hurt , lied, to some cheated on. Telling your story is a start of healing and it’s nothing we all haven’t heard before…Hugssssssss
Finding this site saved me from wasting any more time or emotions on someone so not deserving. I met a man who seemed so perfect and normal. We had so much in common and he just seemed to get me. We literally spent everyday together and I thought I had found my soul mate. I remember the first time that I realized things were off. I found $15 missing from my wallet. Being as I left my purse in his room, I knew that he had took it. I couldn’t process why he had. He always paid when we went out and was financially generous. I just remember thinking, after all the money he’s spent on me why would he steal $15 dollars? It made absolutely no sense. Things just got worse from there. He flew into a rage one day because I was talking to my mother on the phone. That’s the first time I ever felt scared of him and I’ve never been scared of any man my entire life. He seemed suddenly so unstable and I didn’t know what he would do next. It got to the point where I would wait til he was using the bathroom or in a different aisle in the store and then I would use my phone. I remember thinking, how am I letting someone intimidate me this way. I’ve always thought of myself as a strong person. Anyway, to shorten it up some, it was a cycle, things would be ok and then he’d lose it. He never hit me but he tried intimidating me, punching the bed next to me, throwing a remote control at me. I slowly started to see that he lied about everything, even things that made no sense to lie about. Somehow I came to the conclusion that something was very off and I stumbled onto this site. I started reading and the more I read the more I realized that every story/blog was very much describing the things that were going on. I think the hardest thing has been realizing that despite the fact that my feelings were genuine and real, nothing on his end was. Also realizing that I won’t ever really have full closure is hard. I ended things with him, so of course he’s trying to keep me on his hook but everyday I have gone without seeing him or talking to him, I feel a little more like the person I was before I met him. When I start to waver and think about answering his texts or calls, I come here and it give me renewed strength. I never thought I’d be in this position, it really is like recovering.
Hi thank you for sharing your story. Welcome to the site!!! it can be hard at first, as you come to terms with losing the fairtale that they first created, it is like bereavement and a loss. But abuse is abuse, and you don’t deserve to be abused. You are quite right, you need to get away to have no contact, when you do, the more you let go, the more you grow.
I would like to say that this article was very well written, the stated causality and logical deductions are apt and very likely accurate, however I feel that you are overlooking something quite significant.
One of the biggest reasons a sociopath will refrain from cheating or may indeed stop cheating is if and when he (or she) believes that being unfaithful is detrimental or harmful to themselves.
If I am bored and want the challenge of seducing a new woman, I will do so, regardless of who it may hurt, but if doing so hurts ME, by causing my life to be less plesant or easy (for example, because my spouse will leave me), I may alter my behavior in order to save myself the discomfort or difficulty of making my own lunches and cleaning my own house.
Hi I quite agree. Not all sociopaths are unfaithul. Some are, some aren’t. I think you are right, sociopaths do what is in their own best interests. Most of the time anyway.
I think mine didn’t cheat because he was afraid of catching something, had nothing to do with hurting me or my feelings, OR THAT HE LOVED ME,. He only cared about HIMSELF!
Positivagirl,
I know you have talk about this before, My Socio has 3 kids, yes he uses them as a drama for sure, but it does seem that he does love them. Could it be that he really does? Is it possible. He talks to them every night if he is not with them and they say good night n I love you , he will say it twice to each one. He seems so real at those moment’s…He does a lot with them and for them. Will I think he does anyways.
So when I finally threw mine out he had three women.. he moved in with one of them. Are you telling me he can all the sudden stop cheating after being a cheater for thirty yrs in order to make this woman happy?
No. Why would he stop? He loves to deceieve he can do this and will as he has no conscience he doesnt feel bad for his actions.
My S cheated multiple times. Most but not all of them with men. She denied all. She accused me being paranoid. She suggested me to seek a professional help to get over, instead of being suspicious and jealous. For her, that was MY problem, Few months before she broke up with me, (she was living in another city 1000 km away), I found she was living with her hockey teammate, a woman 20 years younger than her. Few weeks later of this finding, I read her profile in an online dating site self-declaring as a lesbian. So don’t assume that they will cheat with opposite sex. They have more options than that. If you want to save your sanity, just get the hell out of there. I tell ya!
I’m not sure if my partner is a sociopath, but he does seem to have alot of sociopathic traits so I’m worried he is. When we first got together, things appeared to be really good and then I found out he was still with his supposed ex, I should of walked away then but didn’t. Then he told me, a couple of months later, that the ex has just found out she is pregnant. He said it was unplanned on his side and that she was five months gone but had only just found out. A few weeks later, he took us on a really amazing holiday and on the plane, he loved me for the first time and while we were away, he said he wanted to marry me and how happy he was. After we had been back about 3 weeks, I woke up to messages from his ex saying he only ended the relationship a week before we went away, had slept with her the morning we went away, planned the baby with her, had known the whole time that she was pregnant, not until 5 months as he had said, she was even staying at his house to look after his dog while we were away. He slept with her that morning before collecting me to go to the airport, without even bathing and had sex with me a few hours later. She sent me messages from before he broke up with her, graphic photos he had sent her, the lot. This was 3 days before Xmas. This has completely destroyed me but because I’m an idiot and led by my emotions, I still stayed. We even got engaged nye. Ridiculous, I know. A few weeks later, the baby was born and desite promising me he loved me and he would never hurt me again. Two days later, he completely shut me off, behaved cold and when I told him I loved him, just replied “I know you so” it was so heartbreaking and after being so intense and the shock of a few weeks earlier, I felt so broken that I left, went off and cut my wrists with a cut throat razor and wanted to die. The police found me and took me to hospital and for 10 days, I didn’t hear from him, I didn’t attempt to contact him either, I sold my engagement ring and accepted the fact he had left me for his ex and had not cared whether I was even alive. Then he rings and says he can’t stop thinking about me and us and he is sorry and he didn’t get back with her, he still wanted to get married and lives me. We got back together and 2 weeks later, he breaks my eye socket. My head was bleeding and I was concussed for over a week and my eye was such a mess. Then I start getting messages every day from the ex saying I’m a psycho and she’s glad I slit my wrists, that he doesn’t love me, he got back with her, slept with her and it appears he went back to his family and made I beat him, I’m crazy, total lies. I think he even used the fact he didn’t care if I was successful in the suicide attempt (which I regret and am ashamed of) as a way to prove to her that he loved her. I couldn’t even reply to the endless texts as I didn’t want her to stop his access to the baby, I just took it like everything else. He insists it’s lies and he didn’t get back with her or sleep with her and I can’t take anymore. We are living together, engaged, he promises he will never hurt me again and that he loves me more than anything, he said he is bending over backwards to make it work, he’s sorry every day, yet I still feel like he has forgotten everything and I’m scared he will do it again. He has little empathy for others and I’m scared now that these few times he has appeared to be sorry, is infact fake. I love him and I know I’m stupid for allowing this to go on but I live in hope that he will live up to the promises he constantly makes me. Is he a sociopath? Is it guaranteed to happen again? Why does he do this?
Oh GIA,
I am concerned for your safety and your emotional well-being. Whether he’s a sociopath or not, he is a consummate liar, and he’s proven this to you repeatedly. He slept with you the same day he lied to a woman who’s having his baby, while she sat home taking care of his needs. I know you don’t want this for yourself. He is just using everyone around him. Don’t listen to the words. They are designed to make you think whatever he wants and not rooted in truth. His truth is whatever he needs to do that day (or even hour) to get what he wants. You are with a very selfish, abusive man. Please take care of yourself… you don’t want a future like this, with lies, other women’s babies popping up, physical trauma, hospital visits, emotional scars, and potentially future financial damage, as they don’t leave anything they have access to alone.
Most cheaters in our experience have psychopathic tendencies you can read more online about the dangers and issues you might be facing on our website or specialist charity sites like Paladin..
Need guidance been married almost 24 years my spouse cheated on me for 3 years said it was over but my gut told me otherwise another 3 years went by still same lies, caught him with her only talking and he said each time it was only friendship when I asked him to stop seeing her and he said he would. I did nag at him constantly asking him if he was seeing her and each time the answer was no. I knew something was going as he wouldn’t answer his phones which is what he would do in the 3 yrs of the friendship yrs and stop during lunch to see her periodically. I caught them maybe once a year. Because of all the mistrust I bought a tracking device. This past thursday he was off went to the dentist and I checked it after 2 to see where he was. He was in a town he didnt tell me he was going to. I called for an hour and half no anwser. Finally when he was almost home he says he saw I called. My device said he got tacos went to a walmart parking lot sat there for 40 minutes took off went to a park and ride then down the road turned on a back road was there 15 minutes went back to the park and ride. I didnt tell him I saw all this initially I just asked him if he was in that town and he said no. I asked if he ate lunch and he said he didnt have lunch . we argued for hours. Finally that night I pulled our phone records and there was the call to get tacos I confronted him and he had a glaze look and finally after several threats of just be honest he confessed. I told him I cant live in a marriage of lies sneeks or cheating. He said he wasnt with anyone that he took a drive. who in their right mind sits in a walmart parking lot eats their taco goes to a park and ride unless you are meeting someone. I love him but not sure Iif I can ever trust him and if I want to stay. I have no family all dead but dont want our kids to be involved inthis nightmare. He says he didnt tell me because he is tired of all the questions and doesnt like it too bad. I have been faithful yes I didnt tell him about the device so now he says he cant trust me. He says he wants to be married to me and he comes home everynight which is what he said during the affair which means nothing to me. So confused hurt help
Do you think your boyfriend or husband is cheating on you? Let the country’s best female PIs help you get to the bottom of it. We are shooting a new TV pilot for and are looking to help. Please email dana_lillie@discovery.com for further details.
And the perfect example of a ‘celebrity’ sociopath: John Rzeznik ! I should write a book on the shit this guy has done to people over the last 30 years. Nobody would believe me.
I have been with a sociopath for 30 years, I fought to keep him alive and not hurt our children while I suffered in silence. Everyone always thought he was such a great guy and that we were the ideal couple. little did they know he was a couple with many women over the years. I am 53 years old and have finally gotten to a point where I realize one of us is going to die and it’s not going to be me. When I finally realized it was killing me trying to keep him alive I decided it was time to go. I was recently diagnosed with cancer and while i was recovering he was looking for a woman on craigs list, hitting on my gardner and talking to his last girlfriend. He lost his 3rd job in 4 yrs is broke has no vehicle and no phone see i was supporting him while he was doing all this! Well no more he went back to last girlfriend. Good luck honey you basically just took on a sick teenager.I am sad, feel defeated,asked myself like other women what’s wrong with me? Im Heart broken for my children and grandchildten.but even they have said enough is enough mom, it’s your turn! 🙂
You know he will be back. He might have wanted her… But he needed you. I am sorry you are hurting and think you deserve a medal for tolerating 30 years of his abuse.
I hope you are wrong positive girl! He has gone off the grid as he would say. I heard he is out traveling the states with girlfriend, taking her to all the places I wanted to go. He will not speak to children or grandchildren has been silent for 16 days. Actually I kind of hope he does call because your site has helped me so much and I was so tired when I threw him out that I’m looking forward to telling him to go f#&* himself and hang up:)
I’m not a native English speaker, so if my English wax very wrong, forgive me. How can I know he is a sociopath? He had been so nice to me. He was married, so I knew I was doing wrong thing. But just meeting with him and talking with him.., I wanted to believe it was ok.
He told me about his life. He started working when he was 14, but now he is paying everything for his family. Those story made me like him more.
Then he wanted to do more with me. But he always asked me it was up to me. I knew he didn’t want to have any responsibility. One day we almost across the line, but he suddenly stopped in the middle of that. He told me he would called me later, then one week passed. We are working at the same place. He didn’t see my eyes, avoiding me and ignoring me. Then I asked him what was wrong. He said this wouldn’t work out because he was too busy. I’m fine with that but he almost yelled to me when he explained the reason. Still he is avoiding me at work. But end is end. Why? He is like a different person to me. First I thought I got dumped. But his attitude is so cold and now I feel he had a problem. Other people wrote he would be back and lied again. But I don’t think he would. Because he is acting like I don’t exist there. I can’t breathe sometimes. But he doesn’t feel anything. Please tell me what I should do.
Hello, today is November 3, 2015, and I just discovered this site. I am compelled to write because I am in pain and agony. I have been with my husband 22 years. We have no children; he has two grown sons from his first marriage. My husband is a life long opioid addict. He has gone from a full-blown, uncontrollable addict who lied, stole and cheated to get money for drugs to an opioid dependent addict whose medications are managed by a medical pain specialist. Nonetheless, he will die without Methadone. That is a fact. What brings me to this point today is that I finally caught him with his ex-girlfriend last Friday night (October 30, 2015). She is married with 3 children. Her husband I have been fully aware of this so-called “emotional affair” between the two of them for years but both of us had hoped they would grow out of it. Neither did because both are sociopaths. As background, while I believed my husband loved me and that I loved him, I grew so distant from him because of the financial hardship and daily difficulties of supporting an addict who barely works. He is always onto the next best thing in his career. Of course, no job ever lasts long. He is completely financially dependent upon me. He has taken money from this ex-girlfriend for years and last Friday night she even admitted to me that she’s given him thousands of dollars over the years. He is a loser, a sociopath, an evil man. What caused this most recent rift is that the ex-girlfriend texted him two weeks ago and I saw it on his cell phone. We argued. He promised that he would block her number and never have contact with her again. Well, since we are always in an “arguing” state to one degree or another, when I got home from work last Friday evening he was dressing to go out. I suspected he was going to meet her and, sure enough, I located them together at his favorite haunt. I know his habits inside and out. I confronted him and he said to me, “What the hell are you doing following me?” I slapped him very hard. The ex-girlfriend captured it on her cell phone. I was in a rage over the hurt and betrayal. I know that I’m better than that and should have maintained control but I simply could not walk away. Consequently, he drove away, went home, got there before me. We argued all night long. Now I have not spoken with him for four days. I sent him a text wherein I poured out my heart, telling him how much he had hurt me and calling him a lying, cheating sociopath. He has not responded. He lives in the basement of our townhouse (which I own). We are avoiding one another. I am fearful of filing for divorce because he will counter-file for support. I am weighing my options now. But it literally is only a matter of minutes before he asks me for money. He has always maintained that because I treat him like dirt and am non-intimate that he only talks to his ex-girlfriend for validation. By the way, I found lubricating gel in his auto the day he went to see her. Please help me. I need everyone to tell me what an evil person this man is and to give me the strength I need to go forward with the divorce. Thank you.
When you say he lives in basement of house you own. Has he been living off of you for 22 years? You know why she recorded it on the phone? It’s because he has already told her what a terrible life he is having with you. Neither being honest with either of you. Ugh you treat him like dirt? No doubt he does behaviours and actions which hack you off so you respond “rightfully” then it’s your fault for responding to his bad behaviour?? You know what he is. But fear is holding you back. Write a list of those fears then you can set a plan to overcome them..
That is a scary person. I would do the divorce if i were you since it sounds like he is draining you of money regardless. The cost is worth it to get him out of your life? Im so sorry you are going through this, it must take serious emotional strength to deal with him
Just got out of a 2 year relationship….when i first net him i knew something was off…couldnt figure it out. 3 months in i found out he had a girlfriend..also was getting calls from another gal but of course said she was crazy and wouldnt leave him alone. He broke up with the girlfriend and said im sorry a million times…i took him back. Still felt something was off…so we continued to argue..i was told i was crazy and use my imagination too much. Blah blah…he was cheating for 9 months that time. Always running back to exes…looking for new ones on dating websites…went on forever it felt. He still says hes “changed”…but i like u guys realize that he never will. Its sad to fall in love with someone…believe that u can help them out and keep getting betrayed lied to and cheated on. I pray for the next women he does this to. Its horrible…and im sorry you all had to go thru it as well.
My horrible experience with this Sociopath is crazy. I never knew these people exist. I was in a relationship with my best friend for 2 years and known him for 7 years. I didnt see any of the signs until 2 days ago. Everything became clear to me at this point. I found out that a day after Valentines day he had a 4 month old baby that he never told me about. Fed me the I want to marry you so bad act. But acting totally different. I thought alot was wrong with me because he mentally abused me. I thought this was my soul mate that we would be so much better. But he lies alot about everything, he cheats and even uses his kids as a cruntch to do his dirt. These type of people dont care about anything. Since I have found out about the ki d its been 3 days and still haven’t heard a peep out of him .its like hello do you understand how unfaithful and unfair you have been to me.
Hey I am so sorry that you are going through this. How devastating. Particularly someone that you have known for so long too. It is the betrayal and the lack of care or consideration for your feelings, that leaves you feeling so shitty. Like he treats you like you are worthless. YOU are not – HE IS behaves like he is worthless…. its a crappy way to treat anybody I am sorry that this has happened to you.
This thing is not gender spacific age anyone can be one.This animal does not desciminate.I belive they become one at a very young age snd are product on enviroment and predisposed by genetics.
Yes. https://datingasociopath.com/sociopath-character-traits/female-sociopath/
If you are in this situation run for your f***ing life
It gets worse and worse. They are puppetering you with your emotions
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN i cannot stress this enough
The worst part is that people dont understand the extent of the sociopaths behavior because the list of deception goes on forever
Gas lighting
Exactly. Run, go no contact, change your phone no and email , file for divorce and never look back. I was married to one for over 20 years. 2 decades full of lies, betrayals and cheating. When I was finally discarded for a young co worker he met during his nightshifts as a cop, I thought my world shattered. Little did I know that it was the start of my new life. After a few months of grieving over him, I finally got my senses together. I hired a good attorney and I put an end to it. Now,3 years later I have healed, recovered and I am at peace. So happy and grateful for that little minion he met at work. There is only one solution. And that is end it. Thank God for good divorce attorneys.
I feel exactly the same kaya50 nearly 20 years I put up with a lying cheating sociopath and I am currently trying to divorce him. I’ve never felt so happier in my life I no longer have to worry about his next step as his new unfortunate girlfriend has the pleasure of that. He still continues to lie and I heard he has already tried to cheat on her. A big party is going to happen when the divorce papers arrive. He taught me what I want in life and I found strength I never knew I had so I thank him because I know I’m the better person with morals
I can’t tell you enough how happy I am to have found this site and how much it has helped me.
My mind is blown at how accurately this ALL describes my ex and how I am feeling.
My ex was cheating and lying since the day we met. After six months, and him moving in with me, my gut instinct and soul just knew things were not right. So I investigated. I was not prepared for the amount and the extent of which I found. He had been talking to AT LEAST 12 different women at the same time. All with the last 2 months. And had 3 of them in my house, some while his young children were there ( I was out of town working). When I presented him with the hard evidence (texts emails etc) he smiled and denied profusely. Then made it out to be my fault and my issue. Would also say those girls were just crazy and blame them as well. I know other girls have been victimized by him and I just want to reach out to them and the ones that don’t know. I don’t ever want to see him do this to another person again. It was so toxic and disgusting I wanted to die. I was in shock that a human could be so cruel.
Thank you to everyone that has posted here. While it’s so hard to read I know now I am not alone.
Hi welcome to the site no you are not alone.
yoou r not alone. your story is just like mine. how can they be so horrible?
Are sociopaths often sex addicts too? Can they be? Pls answer.
Hi lola, yes absolutely they can be too. They are self serving, have no guilt remorse or shame.
Hi ive been reading a lot of these since last year and i just had the courage to leave for good june of this year, i really cant figure out what kind of a person he is, the story goes, we are childhood lovers, i am 3yrs older than him, he was 16 and i am 19 when i got our first born, i was so clueless of this kind of situation, i always think of things he would get better when he aged a bit, coz like what ive told u, he was only 16 that time. So from then on im living with a womanizer and it get worst year by year, we had our 2nd child too for i am always positive that he would change, but eventually nothing has change. So for 14yrs of being together, he had countless girls behind me, he impregnated one 2010. I get frustrated and scream at him and put down him. Its always like that, he would act very apologetic and doesnt want to leave me. Its a cycle for 14yrs. Last straw was 2013 he became a meth addict, he stopped seeing girls and i thought this is it, hes tired of womanizing! But it only shifted, he was so controlling, has a delusional jealousy and paranoia, he used to voice record me when he would go out and he would accuse me of having an affair to anyone he thinks of. I cannot stressed out all the dirty stuff and shameful stuff he had done to me. Since i am more of the security of my kids, i decided to leave him, but i was diagnosed of depression and suicidal so i have to go to my doctor for prescription meds tried AD for a couple of mos and stopped it coz i know i can handle the situation. Right now im a bit okay, enjoyig my life and days with my kids, a lot of realization ive learned. By the way my ex is with ow now, whos also for me a sociopath, shes so jealous of me and saying i am her threat, my ex would message me from time to time though, and so often to message our kids. My question what is he? Personality;multiple women behind me, no remorse he has been physically abusive and emotionally abusive. But he is really good on apologizing that i was hook all the time lastyear. But rightnow im strong and love myself more, sometimes im feeling bad coz i think of us. But because of this help reads i am more focus on myself and my kids. The ow is now pregnant and their life was hell aswell. Forgive me too for i feel good for the girl. Why because shes so bitchy with me when i really dont intrude her. Thank you!
Oh strong!! What a horrible, painful situation for you and your children. Do you mind if i ask do you have any other support apart from him, or has he isolated you? I hear your pain. I really think it sounds like you need additional support to help you through. You can make it. But it wont be easy. 14 years is a long time. Likely he is as dependent on you as you are him. But to stop this you need to break the cycle. I think you might struggle without additional support.
Hi positivagirl! Happy new year to all of u, yes i have a lot of support from my family, to be honest, being with an abusive relationship was like you bein an addict. Addicted to the abuse, i was once like that, i know for a fact that he wont change but i always fall for him. Its a 2year struggle for me, and came 2016 4th quarter ive seen my worth, and i can finally say i am recovering, he still texts me however i dont have that feeling of excitement or hopeful, i am better off alone, i dont need him in my life and im never going back, i thought i wont get past it, i thought i will be forever in love with him and the abuse, but today i am not, ive dealt with a lot of pains from removing him to my life, it was very very hard that like what ive said i was suicidal and ran to the doctor coz i will really kill myself. Now realizing things it really made me wreck the relationship, but i am very very happy with my life now. I can really say i broke the cycle. Again always always seek for support, especially good reads like this. It helped me to be in my sanity i swear. I dont do therapy and didnt have to take my antidepressant. I dont fake things, i am back to myself. Guys hang on to ur recovery coz it will come to u, i didnt lost contact with him. I made my self strong that he wont and he cannot manipulate me. And i did. Thank you and my support are wih you all.
Happy new year!!
I’m so happy there are boards out there like this one. I’m not sure if anyone is still around on here, but I’m finally at the point that I’m able to share and am so happy to be able to share with others who might understand a little better.
My life was shattered into pieces. About a year and a half ago I met this amazing guy. We started off as friends because when we had originally met we were both seeing other people. He was actually engaged at that time (she cheated). We both eventually became single and from there started an amazing relationship. He was so sweet and kind and wanted to give me the world. He was my fairly tale, everything a girl could ever ask for. He went out of his way to do whatever he could to see me every single day, would tell me how he couldn’t imagine life without me and everyday if we weren’t together in person we were chatting on the computer or phone until late at night getting to know each other so deeply. I had never felt this way before and he very obviously felt the same. It was such a instant and easy connection. He had mentioned that since the moment he met me he knew it was so obvious why nothing worked out before, the pain was all worth it. My fairy tale guy was utterly amazing … for about three months. That’s when his true colors started to show. Things were different and I would find myself fighting so hard to get them back to the way they were, even telling him that. Until recently I didn’t even understand what a sociopath really was. Looking back I feel so stupid and weak for letting him get away with the way he treated me. I fought so hard for that fairy tale man and now I realize the guy I met was never really who he truly was anyway. Everything was always my fault, he always found a way to turn things back on me and to blame them on me. Even when I caught him in one of the THOUSANDS of lies he told it was my fault because of some other reason he would make up. He has even told me that I’ve hurt him more than before (which would be his fiance cheating on him) and always held over my head and reminded me that he changed his life for me, that he could have fought for that relationship but didn’t because of me. Disclaimer- I never once asked him to leave her for me, we had never even had a conversation remotely close to that. While he and I were both in relationships that ended at different times we were strictly just friends. This always had me second guessing myself and doing more and more to prove to him just how much I loved him. He was the first to say he loved me only after about two months, but it took me a lot longer because I was scared of rushing things too fast, that made him angry. There were so many times I knew I should have walked away but it was like I was addicted, addicted to the pain and hurt which makes me even more sad. I loved him so much and put up with so much and went through so much that I couldn’t just lose him. I knew that guy that I fist met would come back someday because he loved me, but he never did. He would do absolutely everything to push me away just to reel me right back in when he saw that I was drifting. I now realize what a mentally abusive relationship I was in. Its truly disgusting. The day came where I told him we needed to meet up and talk. To be honest, even at that point I wasn’t ready to let go, even if the abuse was the only problem, trying to convince myself of that, I still had hope for our relationship. No, that wasn’t the subject of our talk. My world, my body, my heart was crushed into tiny pieces when I found out and was accused by a distant acquaintance of having an affair. He was married. Him and his fiance had never broken up she had never cheated. We had been dating while they were engaged, when they got married and now for at least 8 months after that. I was mortified. He did such a great job and went above and beyond to cover his tracks every time. I feel so completely dumb for not seeing the signs. I even called him out for texting me during his entire honeymoon telling me how bad he wanted to marry me and have my children etc. (he was supposed to be on a business trip at the time because he did travel for work). Again, you have no idea how stupid I felt. I completely broke down to him and how he played me like a fool. Everything he had ever said to me was a lie. He admitted everything and that was that, said he would give me space and I told him that she deserves to know and he said he’d tell her. I will admit the next two days I did text him, heartbroken, scared, miserable, feeling at my lowest point- I was truly sick. He responded saying that it was always real for him that he loves me more than anything and he would do what ever it takes. I just don’t believe it. I don’t believe any of it anymore. I told him to give me space and leave me alone, for the good of my own health. Its been two months since I last spoke to him. The first two weeks were the hardest but after I texted him those few messages the day after our talk, I let go. I never thought I would be able to feel this good without him. I wont lie, I’m no where near 100% but I’m doing so much better now than I ever was with him. He hasn’t said a word to his wife and is still pretending to be happily married, and I know I wasn’t the only one because for a short time I caught him cheating on me too with another girl. Once he realized I was done with him I got text, and then a few more after that over the two months. I haven’t responded to any of them and it feels so good to have my power back to not respond, even if sometimes I want to. When we talked that day he claimed he was getting help and didn’t know what was wrong with him and how he feels like a crazy person. His texts are still a mixture of I love you more than anything and manipulation to make me feel bad and to come running back to him with an open ear to hear everything that he has to say (which will all be lies). I’m so proud of myself to be at a place where at least I can recognize that now. I’m still struggling and feel terrible knowing that on the other end there’s another female that may be trapped in his sociopathic ways. I’m ready to start getting help. I’m letting go of him and getting stronger but that doesn’t mean that hasn’t messed me up in so many ways. I apologize for the length of this, but to know that I’m gaining my strength back that some man knew and was happy to take away from me, it means the world.
Hi yes there are. Copy and paste on the share your story page.
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Why is this directed towards only guys? There are plenty of women I have dated exactly described in this. Do counseling doesn’t work huh? Damn.
Because you are replying to a post written 6 years ago when I was ‘dating a sociopath’ I would write to him rather than argue. He was a male sociopath. As the site grew the posts by the end of that year became gender neutral.
I am a year and a half out of what I think to be a sociopathic relationship. I still wonder if he is a sociopath. When I was dating him and I went to a therapist my therapist introduced me to the idea that he might be a sociopath. He was very charming, did the love bombing very interested in himself etc. I fell in love quickly and he conveniently arranged it so I would move in with him pretty much immediately and start paying him rent. After a couple months he begged me to pay more. I relationship was mostly long distant even though when I met him he had said he was going to be around and find someone to run the business far away for him. We were together for four years it was very turbulent because I felt like I was always trying to get him to understand my point of you why things hurt me etc. another red flag of a sociopath. He would do things that just would throw me for a loop and made me feel like he didn’t care at all and of course I would just go into a frenzy. He told me that I was too much drama and had high anxiety. I started taking it to depressants because I felt there must be something wrong with myself. Then he finally did hire someone to run his business, but I was very skeptical of her. He told me the last thing I should be worried about was a married devoted religious woman. Again I tried to call my nerves and went to a therapist to try to work on myself. Things were unraveling between us but I didn’t want to let go. I always wanted to believe it was going to be the way it was in the beginning. Then one day he was down to visit helping me with things and I just had a gut feeling that things were off. I actually straight up asked him if he was having an affair. He laughed and said yeah every day. The following day he was running to the store and I truthfully stumbled upon his iPad. I looked through it. There were naked pictures of the girl that ran his business for him, in his shower. She was married. There were lots of emails back-and-forth between them because he just put on a vacation and he was stating to her how much she loved her and missed her. He had been sending me the same exact verbatim emails. There were pictures of other girls but I don’t know what to think of that if they were old ones or white. This was literally the first time in four years that I had looked at his personal iPad or phone. They run a thing is that he was always telling me I needed to be open and honest. He was a broken record about that and I always felt that he had tapped my phone or something. He would know about random little things, like if I lied to him about going out for drinks with a friend because he hated alcohol. It turned out he had tapped my phone for the past few years and been reading everything that I had said or done. Truthfully I had not always said the nicest things but I had never cheated on him and I had never stopped loving him, I had maybe vented to friends and said some bad things. That day I called him and said you need to get all your stuff and get out of my house. He of course laughed and denied an affair. I said I looked through your iPad. He said hold on I’ll be right there. With in the next few minutes all of his passwords changed and all of the business accounts social media accounts emails that I had set up for him. He had found time to stop and change everything and showed up at my house about a half hour later. I was so angry I just yelled at him and cried and locked him out and wouldn’t talk to him. He truly broke my heart. That night I threaten to send the naked pictures of her to her husband and he threatened me if I did.
It’s been one and a half years and I never saw him again. He emailed and called a few times and tried to start a friendship with me but I really couldn’t. The girl kept working for him and apparently now she is pregnant with his baby. So I guess her marriage fell apart or she left him or whatever. So I guess I still wonder was it true love between them or is he a sociopath? Was my constant criticism and anxiety driving him away and he just cheated on me? I still wonder this after all this time. Of course because when it happened I was just so stubborn and I wouldn’t even talk to him and I just cut him off. That’s what they say to do but I’m not sure no contact really did much for me.
I am now with someone who is so good to me and I cherish it but I don’t have the same love with him. I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to feel that way about another human being again. In some ways I feel like I’ve become more of the critical one now taking on the exes role. I guess I just never had any closure.
I would love any insight from anyone. Thank you
OMg , I m so SHOCKED to read these stories . I just discovered my husband is a socio path after reading theses stories . For years I had seen stuff on his cell phone and he would say it’s nothing . I m madly in love with him still After 30 years of marriage . 2 years ago I was diagnosed with a sexual disease after long suffering which Totally shocked me , than I saw some messages on his cell phone which from a man I got suspicious and called the no and a women answered I was so upset I just took my and drove randomly when he woke up I told and be gave me some story and he change his cell no and he went back we lived in different parts of the world for sometime . Than after few moths he took me to Paris for our anniversary . But when I came back with him his phone has broken I put his what’s app on my phone and saw random girls on it ( now with true names) one messaged u do t have time too busy with your wife I pretended to talk to her as my husband and she sent me a video of dancing breasts , I was so disgusted and shocked when I showed he said she someone after him . Made me promises finished his what’s App . But I was still suspicious so I put a spy app in his phone and noticed a random no that calls him 20 times a day also he deletes some calls , when I finally asked he said that’s secret service officer’s no who helps him ,meanwhile I discovered his old phone that had same. no also messages to her about her birthday and gifts . I was totally shocked I took lot of sleeping pills and fell to the ground . He back said sorry and gave me his saying you keep this I will not do it again meanwhile I hired a private detector who found out everything about that who was married also got her cell phone log out apparently she was also calling his driver and masseur to get the messages across . I was heartbroken shattered lost 20 pounds my kids forced me to go back to them , I. The. Ea while he refused to a knowledge anything blamed me instead I lost my mind and started. Breaking things in the house . The kids told him they will. Not see his face if he does this again . I went back didn’t talk to him for 3 months he came said sorry to me went to therapist with me ,stayed there for 2 months and went ba k to his country which is also our second home . In the holiday time kids forced me to there with them he was very nice to me . Took me for a holly pilgrimage and promised that he won’t do anytime like that agIn . I came and went back to America . Than on our this anniversary he said we will meet in Europe and he told me to co e back with him but I said no after the trip I will go back to kids and come in December and spend 6 months with him but some how when I was doing my ticket it was coming cheaper if came after Europe to where he was , so I did that and kelp it as a surprise for him . After the trip while going back to airport he asked me what’s your terminal I said same as yours I m going back with you for a week , I saw his face change colour I said aren’t you happy he said yes yes I m . Any ways when we reached home I saw restless as is he trying to look for stuff when he went in the washroom. I put my ha d under the mattress saw empty viagara packets I didn’t say anything . Than after sometimes they were gone than I dug deep and saw a hidden. Cell phone . He was cheating g on me with the same women who sent him naked breast. Video now he is swearing on parents that he will not do it again I m again so devastated feel humiliated degraded low self esteem . Don’t know what to do . I have 5 grown up kids have never worked in my life . Most of I love a lot he is the only man in my life sometimes feel like ending my life : do t know what to do.
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