Sociopaths are opportunists, and will cease an opportunity whenever they get the chance. If their motive from you is money, when they meet you, they will try to the following con trick
- Tell you that they are financially stable, perhaps have ‘temporarily’ fallen on bad times
- Offer you a false business background, which portrays them in a good light
- Reflect good morals and values – so that you think that this person is ‘trustworthy’
- Will lead you to believe that they will be in your life for the ‘long duration’
By telling you the above, a false sense of intimacy is created. You receive the following messages
- This person is just like me
- This person has the same morals as me
- This person is trustworthy
- I am going to be with this person for a long time
- This person will not let me down
The sociopath actually makes you feel like he is doing YOU a favour, by having this opportunity, and in the long term you will ultimately both be happy. You feel like it is a JOINT decision. He is that persuasive.
It is just a trick. A con. By leading you to believe that you are investing in someone who is:
- In love with you
- Financially sound
- Trustworthy
- Stable
- Here for the long term
You begin to see things as a TEAM. The sociopath is very good at persuading you to see your relationship as a team relationship. You are therefore led to believe that if he is in trouble, or needs help, then you should help him (afterall, this is a partnership), he will send you messages, so that you believe that this is morally right like telling you
- Stories of his past – how responsible he was – how he paid for his ex
- How he can make this much money….
- How he can create a beautiful future together for you both, if only…… you……
- Offering false credentials
There is always an emphasis on WE, the way that he does it, you do not think that you are lending HIM the money – you feel that you are paying for a life for both of you.
The sociopath has you believe that your money is OUR money. You are lured into thinking that you are in a very long term relationship, where you share money. If you have been in a long term relationship previously, the relationship with the sociopath – mirrors this. It feels the same, so you are lured into it.
EXCEPT……
Whilst you are putting in real hard money, all the sociopath is putting in is an illusion – ‘words’ and false empty promises, that will never come to fruition. It can be a while after before you start to object.
When you do object, YOU are made to feel like you are causing problems in the relationship. As time rolls on you wait for the return of money, there will be more
- Stalling for time
- Delays
- Excuses
You become more anxious. The reality is starting to hit you. But you don’t want it to be true. This can’t be happening to you.
The ‘true love’ that you were involved with suddenly starts to look very different indeed. The truth begins to unravel. You ask for the money back, there is more stalling for time.
You see, you were conned and tricked, into thinking that you were in a REAL relationship. One that is loving, caring and sharing. You were duped as the sociopath mirrors the true love connection. You thought he was going to be there for the long haul, when the truth was, he was there until your source for supply ran out.
As he pushes the relationship forward fast, he creates a false sense of intimacy and trust, of a relationship that has been built over time. He uses words, and false empty promises as his down deposit, and a false sense of morality, to build trust and a false connection.
Whilst you were thinking of soulmates, marriage, love, and happy ever after, unity, teamwork and sharing. He was thinking only of himself, and his own needs.
The sociopath doesn’t think long term. He can’t think that far ahead, he thinks only of now, and ceases opportunities whenever they arise. Unfortunately, you were an opportunity, a financial opportunity. The sociopath isn’t in the relationship for ‘love’ at least not how they have sold it to you.
Afterwards you are left stunned. Not only has this ‘perfect’ relationship ended, you are also left, in debt, or with thousands of your money gone. Sometimes they steal possessions too.
You might contact them to get your money back. Rather than say ‘no’. They simply will continue with the lie, and do more:
- Stalling for time
- Excuses
If you try to get it back. They will threaten YOU. Report you to the authorities for harassing them. Will tell people how you are crazy and you won’t let go. At the same time, they will allow you to believe that they will give you the money back….. sometime.
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
Very true. Mine bragged about his million $ home, his two jobs, his expensive hobbies. how he isn’t going anywhere, then it came out he’s thousands of dollars in debt & trying to get money off his parents, & wanted me to move in – most likely to save him some $ I have a new home & he talked marriage without the “pre-nuptial contract” because he didn’t believe in them.
You had a lucky escape Denise!! Phew!!… 🙂
Mine was so clever, I believed everything and even married him. We’re separated now my savings are gone. He won’t work, takes welfare benefits and looks for future victims. I now email one whom he professed to love, when she wanted her money back he threatened her. It’s too late for me, but there must be a way of stopping him. As soon as I told him my life savings had gone (after I paid for everything and he didn’t have to work) he made big problems to split us up. He blames ME for the split. Now I worry about the eventual divorce. He might have me paying him maintenance because I know he won’t work and might not have fooled another woman that he ‘loves’ her.
Aragh Kathleen the pattern is identical. Person I was with did exactly the same. Same pattern of behaviour . He wouldn’t work lives on welfare benefits. When my money ran out he created a scene left, when i asked for my money back he called police on me too
Also Kathleen if you tried to warn his latest victim, he would only lie, and would make you out to be either crazy, or someone who is still obsessed with him, which makes him look like a greater catch than he actually is!! Whatever you say, she wouldn’t listen, and likely it could backfire on you!
I tried to warn my recently kicked-out-of-my-life s’path, Joe’s, girlfriend, Nancy, about the kind of man he is. Normally I wouldn’t have bothered, but she has a very good idea of what kind of person he is, because he was cheating behind his “real” girlfriend, Sharon’s, back with Nancy, me, and who knows how many other women. I at least knew about Sharon, (his excuse was that she had “issues with intimacy”), but Nancy was clueless about her. When I found out that he, despite telling me I was the “only woman he was involved with,” was also involved with Nancy (she was posting photos of him on her Facebook, calling him her “honey” and saying they had been a couple for *4 years*), I sent Sharon’s daughter an anonymous note about it, SHE sent Nancy a Facebook message informing her that her “boyfriend was in fact taken, and both Nancy and Sharon dumped Joe that same night. Of course, Joe talked Nancy into letting him back in, and he told me that he and I couldn’t be intimate anymore because he had “met someone who wanted a relationship with him” (of course, you know the WHOLE REASON I did this was because I wanted him for myself!!!), but we could still be “buddies” (we’ve known each other since 2004), and talk over text and the phone. I said OK, but when he started flirting with me over text, and then getting mad at ME when I told him to quit it, I told him all I wanted was to forget he ever existed in my life, and I also broke it to him who it was that had squealed on him and his cheating to Sharon (via her daughter). That was 2 months ago ,and we haven’t communicated since.
Of course, I have been keeping tabs on both Joe and Nancy via Facebook ever since I figured out that she was the woman he was referring to. I finally sent her a message through FB, telling her who I was, and my entire history with Joe. Her responses lead me to believe that she, deep down, KNOWS that he is no good, in spite of however he is sweettalking her (he actually went to his mother and “raised up his right hand” telling her that he doesn’t want to be a dog anymore, and he wants to settle down and marry Nancy – OMFG!!!!!!!!!). She told me that she is “not a stronge or brave woman” and that really throws up the red flags for me, because I know that HE knows it, and that is why he is targetting her. She won’t give him the hellstorm that I gave him – she’ll sit quietly withher hands folded and ankles crossed and take whatever he dishes out to her.
I finally had to cut off the conversation, because I’ve given her all the information I can (including some very informative links). If she continues to let him stay in her life, than IMO she deserves what she gets. I’ve known him twice as long as she has. I also DON’T CARE if he tries to portray me as crazy or obsessed with him for telling her. If she believes him, ratherthan me, all I can say to her if she marries him and then finds out he has’nt changed is – I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BETTER YOU THAN ME!!!!!!!!!
Wow this is SO scary. The nutso I met a few months ago did exactly the same. “I love you” within weeks, saying he was in a great financial place in life to have a family, that I could trust him to be there for us, that he’s stable, that he wanted to start a family with me and be together… forever. LOL. When the time came for him to contribute the $ he promised… excuses galore: 2 family members suddenly were in the hospital. Oh, and then he was at a friend funeral. SO busy he could not deposit the money it seems! And so on… and no money in sight. That’s how I realized it was all a lie… but after reading your awesome blog I can see why several things over the few months I was in contact with him never made any sense. I’m shocked that they all act the same with the same excuses… when they don’t even know each other. How can it be? I would love to see some research on it. I just got away from him in the past few weeks and am still in shock. But at the same time SO relieved now that I realized the craziness. Thank you for your blog!
I think the reason that they act the same, and do the same things, is because they are following patterns of behaviour. As they go onto default setting in their brain, it makes them behave in a similar way. It is theraputic to know that it isn’t just you, its not that you are stupid, it is just the way that their brain works.
Thank you positiva! Do you think it would be possible for you to write a post on why there aren’t any laws set up (it seems, in any country) to protect people from sociopathic behaviors and actions? I really feel like filing a lawsuit, but it doesn’t seem we have grounds to ask besides maybe ‘tort crimes’ or ’emotional distress’ (based on their promises, etc.) It seems to me it would be laughed by judges and dismissed as a ‘broken heart’ issue or so… which isn’t my case at all – I never even fell in love with the S. I just think these people should pay for what they cause us.
I think that Sociopaths are so expert in what they do, that they often avoid contact with the law (although come very close lots of times) when they do, they usually lie to the police or blame you! …. people end up thinking its easier to just walk away. Sociopaths love DRAMA, and if they can land you into trouble they will. Legal against a sociopath is a minefield (ask people who have children and then fight custody battles)…. not an easy one.
Thanks you are probably right. Better to walk away. So annoying/sad they usually don’t get what they deserve and go on targeting other innocent women.
I was made to feel bad because I had savings, that in the end I wouldnt spend/lend to him. He would want to buy things because he saw my savings as his, I worked hard for these and I wasnt prepared to keep dipping into them for him but this was towards the end, fortunately even though I lost 2k he didnt con me out of everything. I still had a lot of control and on reflection he hated it. He constantly promised me he would pay back what he owed, drop some money off when passing my house when he got back on his feet!! It was a lie again, and I fell for that only because I like to think the better of people and he just might pay me back, but then he got a second phone on contract, and had the sack from his job. I know what he owes is not coming my way. I have completely stopped contact with him now, and life is beginning to get onto an even path. Only just though the bailiffs were knocking on my door just over a week ago for money he owes. And I since found out they could have come in and taken my belongings to pay for his debts. he did contact them, but didnt give his new address unbelievable, he must have lied to them, anyway the bailiffs have his new address now as I gave it to them. This could have caused a reaction from him, it still might do but I am not going to let a liar, a violent conman and a cheat take anymore from me.
Haha, this is funny. My dad constantly tells me that his P isn’t broke and isn’t a gold digger, because she offers him money when he takes her places, etc. He never takes it, of course… BECAUSE THERE ISN’T ANY, I’m sure! She’s trying to make herself look stable and financially “healthy”, and it’s working. I know better, though, and I’m waiting for the shit to hit the fan…
Is there anywhere online or otherwise to post stories/warnings of people like this, so that others might not fall victim to financial ruin from these people? Just to make it public, my sociopath/financial manipulator’s name is Ken Corben! Lives in Venice, CA. Ladies, be warned!! Stay away. He’s ice cold and will take everything he can, lie, make you think you’re crazy and leave you dumb-founded!
I did see a site somewhere Cmoney – do a google search. Welcome to the site. Am sorry to hear that you have been a victim to a financial con man too 😦
I remember the ex constantly talking about pooling “our” money together, at first I was like ah, ok, good idea, think about the future. Responsible right? She said she had 90g in the bank, made some good money in the past. She brought this up so many times, Ive been smart with my money, I run my own business so I have to be. I have some saved and thought this was a smart idea.. Until I really started listening. Things just didnt add up. In one of her many “slips” she just happened to say she sees me as in investment in her future.. I thought right away, thats a weird way to view a human being that you have Love for.. Like a piece of property you can sell later for profit? … Then came the time for her to buy a new car, she found one that was right, and bought it.. Well, what I didnt know was it was more than she wanted to spend, and she got 10G from her parents… with 90G sitting in the bank? right…………………………………………. more lies.. Either way, if you have the 90, use your own money, dont take from others, and if you didnt have it to begin with? dont lie and tell people you do…. I see the lies just spin outward like a pebble in a pond. And hit everyone.
Oh oh, I’m just living that!
I remember when mine ‘knew he had me’ and then went weird on me, he had always pulled pity stories about how he had money troubles, and he knew i had recently come into a nest egg. There were a few times he said “if only I had some spare cash I would be able to see more of you, he had cut down his texting at that point and had me worrying what was wrong.
He then started the classic lines of ” I don’t have any credit on my phone, and won’t be able to call you for a while” I was so addicted to him that I gave him money for his phone, but the way he accepted it without being embarassed felt off to me., in fact it felt off to me that he was forthcoming about money worries anyway (not a normal way to impress soeone you’re chasing is it?)
He had also said once that he didn’t want to cause me any bother or trouble with my failing marriage because it would ruin my finances,,which came right out of the blue in the midst of a totally irrelevant conversation, I remember sitting there thinking where the hell did that come from??, and when I replied that my finances would always be stable, he smirked to himself,,,,,,,,that smirk I will never forget!
I think initially it was that nest egg that attracted him to me. I then had some money going missing from my credit card,so i changed all the numbers and blocked cards for all my accounts, after that and around the same time,he seemed to distance himself,,,and that was was when I found he was seeing, or at least starting out with the woman I had suspected,,,,she too had recently come into a nest egg???
Just too many likenesses here on this site,I still can’t come to terms with the things he did to me, and how low and stupid I have been.
He molested my daughter. I got a kick out order and restraining order. a few years before I was aware of what he did I had asked him that we have an amicable separation. I asked him to find an apartment. but he told me to leave — and it was MY home!
my ex husband had the chutzpah to complain in court that I was invading HIS PRIVACY when I discovered this July that he stole another $70K from a line of credit after separation. Since I kicked him out 3 yrs ago, he took a total of $127,000.00
He won’t give me my religious divorce unless I let him have 1/2 million dollars. Yet he dates another woman in the community. She has been warned but she is too emeshed and when I told her my daughter is willing to tell her what happened, she told me she doesn’t want to listen to her and I “should tell the truth” !!
am too emotional to share more of my story. I am so enraged. Stage one?
Hi DBM welcome to the site. I am sorry to read that you are going through this. It is quite stunning that the sociopath can literally bend and twist the truth to suit their own needs and requirements. Look forward to hearing the rest of your story. I am just sorry to read all that you have been through (and are going through).
thank you for your support. The blog is excellent and a kindness to others who are in so much pain. I have found it has been helping me gain greater detachment and lessening the shame already. God Bless.
Damn and to think I was planning a wedding………..and I had lost my soulmate these post are so on point its as if she was right there
Hi all, this site is just brilliant, so glad I found it!
My question is: any ideas how I might get money back from a sociopath? I am prepared to ‘play’ him if I have to, though I am wanting to go full no contact to heal from the devastation he has wrought. I’m torn between just doing my best to move on after all he has done and a burning desire to get my money back (about $100k). I now see that I was used, just totally and utterly used, to support him and his son.
He has promised me the money back (so has his lawyer who is also a friend) but then he contacts me saying he will not give me an update on the ‘deal’ that is going to produce this money unless I meet him in person. I know he will use this carrot to leverage as much as he can and hook me back in. I also know that if by any miracle this deal comes off he will drag out paying me back for as long as possible.
Do I play him and pretend there’s a chance if reconciliation just to get the money back? I am a single mother with one daughter who’s been experiencing mental health difficulties for the past year meaning I’ve been unable to work so I don’t have any income. Any thoughts please?
Hi rab,
Welcome to the site. I am so sorry that you have been duped and conned into losing so much money.
Sadly the truth is he has no intentions of giving you the money back. If he did. He would.
I want to remind you of this, that he has no conscience none at a’ll. He cares about nobody but himself. If he was going to give you the money back, he would. Really.
He wi’ll get further delight from keeping you hanging on a string and as for the lawyer friend he is either an accomplice or he is deluded and fooled too. Probably the latter.
Read the post about sociopaths and stalling for time. This is all that he is doing.
I am not telling you this to hurt you. Disconnecting from him will give you at least chance to heal recover and to get your mental health back on track. You deserve this.
The other option is to keep him around in the wild hope that he will pay you back. This simply continues to offer him control to pull your strings all that will happen is that you will lose more.
You have already lost enough and yes if you keep him around you could lose more.
Realistically he took 100k from you as a single mum leaving you with nothing. When was he thinking about you?
Please try to take care of you, I think you already know this?
You were right Positiva. It’s almost a year later and still nothing. He’s still pulling the strings and saying I’m going to be paid at any moment and he’s enlisted the help of others in this too. It’s so hard to admit to myself I will never get that money back. We did reconcile for a few months and I did end up losing more. I also know I am not the only one this has happened to. Living with one’s mistakes is hard.
Hi, I’m new to the site, but not new to any of this type of b.s! My heart goes out to all of you because I know exactly what it feels like. My “boyfriend” has took me for close to 20K and I hang on only because I thought inwould actually get it back. Similar to Rab, I gave in on several occasions honestlyh thinking he would make good on the situation. I need to focus on letting go.
You know you will never get it back saying he will repay is more control.
GirlFriday, unfortunately positiva is completely right. All he did was use the promise of the money to continue to treat me like absolute crap and rub his new women in my face, find out what he could about my life and so on. He kept giving me definite dates and then making up utter lies as to why it hadn’t been paid (the transfer was complicated for tax reasons, there was a delay with his private banker, he was out of the country blah blah blah) and so it went on. Or, he would say that he wasn’t paying me now as I hadn’t been nice to him or whatever, it was just more of the same total headf*ckery and games. He also often used to say that he didn’t owe me a cent (even though I had a letter from his lawyer stipulating that he owed me $90k – and I spent more after that – not worth the paper it was written on). Said that things he paid for when he was trying to woo me or woo me back to him, such as a couple of trips away was what he had contributed to the relationship so me paying his bills etc when we were living together was recompense for those things. Um, no, there was never any agreement I was paying him back for these things! It’s like buying someone a birthday present and then saying that’s a trade off for money they owe you. Just more douchery of the highest order. So, GirlFriday, save yourself … you won’t be getting it back and anything he says is a lie just to keep you in his life.
Cannot believe how accurate this is. Con men are financial and relationship frauders. They one I knew worked in finance too and was a scheming liar. He tricked all but who could prove it. Pretended his ex was bleeding him dry. He loved to con clients at the bank. To him that was winning. He was so tight With cash. He’d play the kind martyr when it suited but a heartless man beneath all. Would say any lie that he’d think you’d like to decieve you. My brother said beware the travelling sales man type and he was right
Often times, it isn’t only men who are sociopaths. I seem to attract these types like moths to a flame and I promise …. I’m not a sociopath myself!
I dated a man who was indeed diagnosed as a true sociopath by the authorities once they had him behind bars and believe me ….. after dating that nut for just over 2 years, I didn’t know what had hit me by the end of it all. The manipulation and control were masterful …. his promises and indeed his entire life story was one big LIE. This guy was extremely dangerous and I am lucky to have escaped this ‘relationship’ with my life. He had been married THREE times and I would’ve been wife #4. He had tons of debt and was underemployed. He lived in a house he couldn’t afford and would buy cars and motorcycles on a whim whenever he felt like it, only to have them eventually repossessed for non payment on the loans. By the end of the relationship, I HATED this individual for his weaknesses and shallowness and look back and say, thank goodness I never married him and thank goodness I got away. He was a life, soul and blood sucker.
However, I wanted to leave a comment to say that I am dealing with another sociopath in my life: my own daughter. I have 4 children (although I now tell everyone that I have 3 because this particular daughter is out of my life for good). For years, everyone has been telling me that DeeDee is manipulative, controlling, a liar and a drug addict. She has been living a parasitic lifestyle for YEARS, moving in on new men that she meets literally within days of meeting them. Sometimes the men let her live with them for months, sometimes the ‘relationship’ burns out real fast as the smarter men wise up and kick her to the curb after a few weeks of sex. DeeDee is highly promiscuous and will use sex to get what she wants. She is certainly not above prostituting herself for a roof over her head, just as long as she doesn’t have to part with any of her money or pay rent. DeeDee HATES to pay rent. She hasn’t paid rent for the past 3 years or so, instead she has been living with me up until a couple of weeks ago, when I locked her out of my home for the LAST time.
DeeDee is 28 years old and is college educated with a specific skill set and could earn excellent money …. instead she is under employed with no desire to improve her skill set, gain certifications or move up in her profession. Since she was born, she has only paid rent for ONE year of her life, which followed the first time I had to distance myself from her after she stole over $5000 from me and was forced to have to pay her own rent or be evicted.
DeeDee ruined Thanksgiving this year with her years long drug addiction. She smokes medical grade, highly potent marijuana daily and has a prescription pill addiction. She lies about having a sore back and gets her opiates from a ‘pain management clinic’. At Thanksgiving, she almost dropped a friend’s baby because she was high. The argument that followed was horrendous as DeeDee, high on opiates, was forced to pack a couple of suitcases and get out of the house. It took her hours to pack the cases as she moves at a glacier pace. Once I got her out of the house I refused to let her back in because we all feared for our lives. DeeDee collects knives.
My daughter, who is very beautiful, trades on her looks and ensnares a very specific type of man: one who is under/unemployed, has no money/job/education/prospects, and one who has usually had a damaged childhood. This means that DeeDee can control the man without impunity. Smarter men catch on to DeeDee’s game and kick her to the curb, escaping with big sighs of relief. The unlucky men get caught up in her web and are unable to find the means with which to get rid of her. DeeDee has to be the one to decide when the ‘relationship’ is over, which usually entails her moving on to another misfit man for supply.
Naturally, DeeDee was able to extract more money from me during the past couple of years that I put up with her crap, and so owes me even more money than the original $5000 that she ripped off from me. I will never get that money back. Despite never paying me any rent, DeeDee was always broke because of her drug habit. I should’ve been stronger with her than I was but she is a master manipulator and she conned me again and again. I could never resist her charm, beauty or funny personality.
However, I know what DeeDee is and I know that there is no fixing her. She is a user and an emotional abuser, always sucking the life out of her latest friend/victim/lover. I wonder where I went wrong and how did I fail her but then I remember that she was born this way. Having already been heavily involved with a true sociopath, I know that these types are beyond redemption. They do not think beyond tomorrow and they are impulsive, indulgent, irrational and self destructive people. DeeDee is all about the drama 24/7/365 …it never ends. She LOVES drama and loves sucking other people in. I truly believe that DeeDee is brain damaged and that the drugs have just made things infinitely worse. She refuses therapy, counselling, rehab. She will not quit her drug use. Right now, she has moved in with another insufficient man who himself is still living at home with his mother despite being 30 years old. DeeDee does not pay rent (as usual) and cleans the house while on her drug fueled binges as a way of making herself indispensable. These types are ALWAYS looking for an angle, a weakness to exploit, a way to manipulate, ANYTHING to get what they want.
I liken DeeDee to a snake: primitive and driven purely by greed, selfishness and victimization. Distance is the ONLY solution along with ZERO contact. The only thing you can do for yourself and your sanity is to recognize the sociopath and then separate yourself even if that sociopath is your own flesh and blood.
Currently 30 days no contact with my ex-sociopath. Reading these post are astonishing, seriously. I thought I was losing my noodle over this parasite. Utterly stunned by his selfish behavior and emotional abuse. Thank Goodness he did not get my money. I work hard for what I have and did not have the “right” to my financial stability. Though he did not get my money, I feel raped of my vulnerability and common sense. Being away from him helps to clear the fog and fresh the “view” of his ways. I’ve never been treated with so disrespected in my life. Made to feel less than or not enough to satisfy his every wish or desire. I wont allow myself to hate him. That’s giving him WAY more energy than he deserves. I rather just feel indifferent.. don’t wish bad or god. Just don’t wish that creature nothing at all. I’ve taken my power back, I’m finally feeling back in control