As I am female and hetrosexual, most of my post are written using the context of ‘he’ although as many male readers understand what I write can equally apply to female sociopaths.
Today I wanted to write a post about female sociopaths.
What is the difference between male and female sociopaths?
Honestly? The most obvious answer is SOCIETY. That is the biggest difference. Historically, men were expected to pay for everything. So, for the female sociopath life was relatively easy. Which is probably why most respected pieces of work, say that there are less female sociopaths than male.
But lets look at this from a realistic point of view. From a historical point of view and from the role of men and women historically in society. Historically:
- The man went to work and supported the woman
- The man was the provider
- The woman was known to be more manipulative and emotional than the man
This is a role reversal from men in society and what the expectations are of them. Men are supposed to be the breadwinners, to keep their woman.
If you look at it like that, female sociopaths have had it relatively easy. They are protected by society, and old fashioned values and what is expected from men and women in a relationship. Imagine that for a woman, her source of supply that she needs is a roof over her head, and money?
It is relatively easy to win that from a man. Nobody would bat an eyelid at it. After all, she is doing what keeps a man happy. Offering him sex, using him for his money. Getting free food and free accommodation. She is set up for life and has a free meal ticket.
Reverse this situation. The man moves in with a woman, fakes his credentials, and ultimately the woman ends up paying for the man. This is more horrifying to society than what the female counterpart is doing. But is it really?
What do female sociopaths do?
- All sociopaths have a high sex drive – so she will use sex as a tool to lure the man in
- She will play victim to her past
- She will be looking for a rescuer (to pay for her)
- She will offer a bright and amazing future to her male counterpart
The sad truth is, both parties can be happy. A man sees it as his role to provide for his partner, or at least many have been brain trained historically that this is the right thing to do. The gaslighting, can just be viewed as ‘female manipulation’. Men are grateful to have a woman that constantly demands sex. And the male counterpart feels that he has a ‘trophy wife’ on his arm. After all they are so charismatic, and get on with everyone, so popular, everyone else wants her….. men love to have something which is seen as ‘special’, something that other people want.
So, where does it all go wrong, with the female counterpart, and why is not reported as much?
It goes wrong when the female counterpart runs off with someone else. Or after she has the children kicks the man out, keeping the house and children and everything in the house. If she is really lucky if she has done her homework well, she will also get maintenance payments from the man.
But nobody objects to this, after all this is what the man is supposed to do?
This is the main difference between male and female sociopaths. Society is what makes it different. Expectations within society of the male and female role. Of seeing the male as the provider, and the woman as nurturer, after all, we know that sociopaths can be very charismatic. And can play the role of ‘nurturer’ and ‘carer’ very well indeed.
The male feels that he has nobody to talk to about this. After all. He has been played, financially it has cost him a lot. And his ‘perfect woman’ is now off doing her own thing. Society encourages this.
If the male is upset and hurt, the female sociopath will use this against the male, he is the bitter ex. He should get over it.
It is more shocking when a woman has been conned by a male sociopath, as society sees it as unnatural. Afterall the man should be paying for the woman, treating her as a princess.
The female sociopath relies heavily on sex as a seduction and offering the trophy wife status to the male. Which males, wanting to impress buy….
There is little difference between the male and female types. This is why I write about sociopaths in general, and for ease of writing I use the word he. It is simply easier to write.
What do you think? Are there any males reading this? Do you agree with this? Or am I totally wrong?
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
I agree with you. My mother is a sociopath and has used and abused my father for her obsession with money (she has no access to money now after secretly blowing everything my father had saved for retirement, but he still supports her and buys things for her). Another societal blindness concerning female sociopaths, is that the woman can charm with a smile and a sweet high voice and say the guy is the problem and no one would bat an eyelash. If a man reports abuse, he is the one looked at with accusing eyes too. People need to become aware of male discrimination.
I agree absolutely. When I set up my page on facebook, i was surprised at how many male likes I had. I really do think that female sociopaths are more tolerated by society in fact historically it was even encouraged.
I have just been duped by one. started dating 6 years ago.within a couple months moved in together and got engaged. I tried to move slow, but she was in a hurry-made me feel I had to do that stuff. I must admit, it felt ok though because we were “soulemates” couldn’t believe how much alike we were. use to kid around saying “sure we aren’t long, lost twins?” during those years she was working on her geology degree and masters. she was not working when we met. I have am gainfully employed ad have been for decades. at th end of sirts year her 20-something year old son moved in. s for sure sociopath. I had no idea. we agreed he had to follow some basic rules and get some sort of job. he constantly broke our rules and never get a job. it was putting a wedge between us and I would tell her so. he needs to start supporting himself, etc. she did very little. it made me feel like I did not matter,etc. hooking up with me also gave her access to private/semi private surf spots, great surfboards, hob-nob with major players in the surf world. it also gave her access to horses(her addiction) and some of the greatest ranches and people in that industry. she eventually had to get a job-teaching at a private school. didn’t get paid much. certainly not enough for her continuous spending. she paid rent for herself and son, I paid for everything else, including buying all the food and cooking 99.9% of the meals. after a couple years I confronted about all this, stating that I felt I was being used-that she couldn’t afford to take care of herself and son without me. I was ready to call it quits, but she convinced me otherwise, and my parents and friends said hang in there, it will get better.
it didn’t change much at all. she would want something, put some money towards it then I would end up paying for most , or all of it. I was being the “good provider”. she would always tell me what a good man I was.
intimacy part took a hit, in part due to differences with her son and it became pretty one sided. she would get her’s but not a lot of returning the favor on her part. it became mechanical at best. still, I hung in there with hopes that once she finished her schooling she would get a good paying job(she quit the private school one after about 3 years) which would help even things out financially and we could then concentrate on getting the kid out on his own.(doubt that will ever happen now)
she got her masters awarded in july. took off for herannual vistit to Australia to visit parents,etc. she sent me an email stating she was not coming back. that’s it. it was devastating to say the least. right when the light at end of tunnel was getting brighter-bam. it gets turned off. of course she left behind her son, and a pile of bills for me.
she gave several reasons for doing this, but the underlying one is she doesn’t want to work and she doesn’t want to pay back the massive student loan debt she has accrued. she says she wants a 50/50 financial commitment, intimacy , etc. the exact stuff I had been talking to her about a couple years ago.
I wondered what kind of person does this? being her son is a sociopath I wondered if it might be hereditary-so I started perusing the’net. found out that she tooi is one and our relationship fit the classic pattern of target, lure, rushed romance/engagement, . once hooked, the manipulation began. it was all about what she wanted and as provider , I subconciously bought into that.. the pastyera I had been dealing with a back/nerve problem which really curtailed most activities I/we were involved in. didn’t stop her at all. in fact she would call me old and get mad at me-tell lies to thers as to why I was not at such and such event. “he doesn’t want to go” “he doesn’t want to be with me” how about I can barely walk and am in pain. I can’t go! I felt at times she thought I was faking it.so began the degredation of my name by her. and finally,once she got all she could out of me(her meal ticket for 6 years while she earned her two degrees) she was gone….no discussion, no warning, just an e-mail from Australia.
of course she is already set her sights on a new target. won’t he be surprised when her 27 year old lands in his lap like he did mine….
Hi thought welcome to the site the only thing that stands out to me – is the mechanical sex – one thing I know about sociopaths is that they do have a high testosterone….. (even female sociopaths) – they love sex as this gives both control over someone and ownership and winning. Things that are important to a sociopath. Are you sure that she is a sociopath? Sociopaths LOVE sex…. even if sometimes it is inappropriate….. their sex drive is rarely waning….. they are compulsive pathological liars and at the end you realise that everything was a lie and a mask of deception. Nothing was true evertyhing was fantasy……
I was in a same sex relationship for 21, going on 22 years next month, witha sociopath. The emotional devastation has been enourmous and I almost lost my life because of the stress, anxiety and panic he created in my life.
In the early stages of our relationship he was needy and played the victim to get my sympathy. Once I was snared he he began whittling away at my life, piece by piece. He started by using my clothes, then my new car, then he lost his job and I worked two to pay the bills. When he did go back to work he was a waiter, a waiter with a taste for the nicer things in life.
He outed me to my family, something I asked him not to do, I just now realized that was a way of controlling me. In doing that he could isolate me from them and have further control.
Eventually his grip worsened and he began to act out violently when he did not get his way. First he locked himself in a closet and made holes in the wall with a chefs knife, just before that he broke apart a piece of furniture and hit himself with pieces of wood.
I worked in mental health and addictions treatment and he was seen by my medical director, they said he was dissociative, a nice word for psychosis. He worsened as the years went on and isolated me more and more, he would sabotage any attempts to make our life better. It became so bad that I had to ask him for simple things I needed. Even when I had money it was gone, I later found secret bank accounts, he was funneling my money into his own account and not paying the bills.
In the last eight years my life went nowhere. It was a constant struggle of fear, depression and he blamed me for all that was wrong because he was never responsible for anything. I became afraid of him, afraid he would kill me, he had said it many times, now I was thinking he could and would do it to protect himself.
In the end my total dependence on him is what got rid of him, I had nothing left to give. But even with him gone the stress that I had been under left me physically sick. On a morning in February I drove myself to the hospital, I was having trouble breathing. When the doctor stood over me and asked if I had advance directives I told him no. He said,”in that case do you want me to resusitate if I need to?” I was in respiratory failure. After several days I was seen by a psychiatrist, I was told I had suffered a complete emotional breakdown and was suffering from severe PTSD.
He has left the state, but I still fear his revenge and am scared that those people he had in his secret double life night harm me for him. It was hard for me to admit that but with the help of a domestic violence advocate and a very good psychologist I was able to see the danger I am in now. We have not completely ruled out moving away and becoming lost, even getting a new social security card for protection.
It has all been like a bad dream, a very scary bad dream with no ending. It will take years for me to be “normal” again. I am most saddened by the my loss of trust. I am a very empahtic, king big hearted person and was cruelly taken by a con, a predator. I am angry at the time he wasted, my life wasted by an unstable maniac. One night he sttod over me when I was ill yelling, “die mother fucker die, repeatedly as he punched hiles in the wall. That night is burned into my psyche forever. I don’t know that I will ever be the same, I don’t know that I will ever trust again. I don’t know if I will ever love again either.
I was 33 when I met him, he 28. I am now 53 and am facing disability. I have been homeless. He said before he left, last summer in a rage, “when I leave you I am leaving you with nothing.” He did, even my beloved dogs are gone.
Hi Drewe, I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond. How harsh it is when somebody cruelly rips away your world, and then leaves you with nothing it is so hard to rebuild your life. Do you have friends and family around you for support? Or was that taken away from you too? I am sorry to hear your story, and will add it to the my story page. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. There are millions of people who have been through the same thing. If nothing else, despite he left you dependent on him, you can at least have peace of mind now. There is no more abuse. From this, there are can only bring healing this is not a reflection on you, or your self worth. I understand PTSD. I was diagnosed severe chronic which took me years to come out of the other side of trauma. That alone can be difficult to cope with.
well, we had sex a lot in the beginning, but even then there were some red flags. i’m guessing something happened to her when young. it was pretty much one sided as well. all for her , very little for me. she lies to everbody-especially her parents. she would be on phone with mom and lie about what was happening with her son. can’t tell ya how many times i wanted to take the phone from her and tell her mom what was really going on. she manipulated everybody. she told me as a young girl she learned how to manipulate her dad to get what ever she wanted.
told me she married her ex only because he had horses. aslo said he tried to have sex with her in the shower one time and she whacked him in the head with a 2×4 and knocked him out. she hits the sociopath checklist pretty right on. she told me all kinds of stuff that i am finding out are not true. she doesn’t want to work, just play all day. she wants deep pockets to take care of her and her son. her parents use to ave money and she thought she would get some, but it’s all but gone. she is in mid fifities and looking for somebody- probably that has horses , a ranch and some $ .itthe whole thing leaves you wondering how much, if any of it was real…i mean we were deeply in love(supposedly) and just a year into our reltionship when her son dropped in. we had plans, dreams, intense feelings,etc. when we agrred about what to do with her son, but she wouldn’t follow through and et him do whatever, it really felt at that point that what i felt, said or suggested to her about him did not matter. how could that be? we were soulmates. joined together like siamese twins. we are suppose to work together, not apart.it really mkae you wonder how much, if any of it, was real…
Drew, you will recover. I too am gay and lived with my ex for 11 miserable years. Instead of being sober and leaving her, I became a drug addict and drunk to cope. I lost everything. Money, jobs and was homeless. My self esteem-gone. She cheated constantly. I added it up to over 40 men (yes men).
Your story broke my heart. I know your letter is several months old. I hope your feeling better now. You have to be because hes gone.
This article is totally true. In my case she painted this great picture of marriage and kids and all of our future together. It made me feel like my money was hers and i didn’t mind at all because we were a partnership. I think it’s incredible easy for a girl (especially a very attractive one) to play a guy because of what you said. It is seen as the social norm still today in some ways for the guy to earn the money and the women to stay at home. Though in my case I did notice she wasn’t even doing normal things like washing clothes or cleaning or cooking much though I didn’t mind as i think the man should do equal stuff as well even if I was working many more hours. And yes i suppose they work on your ego. They give you lots of compliments, sex and are so charming you are proud of them walking down the street with you. Even if when you look bad things were never really right at the time. I think the problem for Sociopaths is even know they are clever in some way they get cocky. They think we are all stupid and there lies will keep working for ever. For instance my gf pretending to go to work one night and had me pick her up. She was a waitress and I noticed her shirt was clean and didn’t smell of food etc. She had been out in sexy clothes (hidden in her bag) and got changed just when she wanted me to get her. When we got home she didn’t even try and hide the clothes just left the bag in the living room with a receipt for a restaurant etc they are not as clever as they think and think we will beleive any lie they say. I’m sure there are lots more female sociopaths then people realise but they can hide so much more. The emotional torture they inflict is equally bad i think!
Rob,
My former SP also didn’t like to cook or clean and thought it was below her. She also failed at her job but blamed it on the organization not her own shortcomings. She also said she wanted to be a role model for her niece and nephew but she showed them lies. She said she was staying with a gf but the whole time she was staying with one of boyfriends. The kids saw it and to put things in perspective she had the niece and nephew over and didn’t even cook for them.
One issue that should be considered and compensated for: Only women’s bodies are put through the process of being pregnant and giving birth. There’s episiotomies, abdominal surgery, and a host of sometimes short term, sometimes long term, problems. (Simultaneously, having children and the mother/child bond is the greatest gift there is, in my opinion.)
And so, while I agree there’s female sociopaths, (most created by generational dysfunction involving childhood sexual abuse and alcoholism – the abuse could have happened to a parent or a grandparent, who then is a generally bad parent themselves -> raises the next generation of low empathy, low remorse people), until men can get pregnant and give birth, some extra care for women should be part of the system.
I also call for heavy fines for perjury (it’s a sociopath’s lies that start the destruction), and a return to alienation of affection laws – that an adulterer should have to pay financial consequences for behaving in ways that obliterate the children’s stable and secure 2 biological parent family.
The mess we’re in today, is a lag time effect of the elimination of alienation of affection laws in the early 1970s (among some other things contributing to the break down and disincentives for loving intact families) – something accomplished by the mostly male legislatures of that time.
Children of divorce are more likely to become narcissistic and sociopathological – they must dissociate from their feelings to survive the traumas of their childhoods. Their survival mechanism of dissociating from their empathy and remorse, then gels into life long brain damage, if they do not get treatment to repair their neural pathways, young.
They also learn that their lying and betraying parent prospers under our current system, (while their honest and faithful parent is destroyed by the bad parent), so why bother being good. Trace it back to the root of the problems….connect the dots (something Steve Jobs was big on)…to understand how to turn this tanker around. Otherwise, we’re going to have a sociopath eat sociopath world.
Note: While I understand how sociopaths are created, they still must be held swiftly, certainly, and harshly accountable for the continuation of death and destruction they perpetrate on others.
Especially since there are hundreds of thousands of children, equally abused / neglected, who specifically choose to not imitate their abusers, in their own adult lives….who specifically choose to embrace good morals, while they work extremely hard to heal from the destruction their bad parent heaped on them.
They exist and are the true heros.
We need to incentivize more to do the same, and we need to hold those lying and cheating parents accountable, so the children can experience it doesn’t pay to destroy one’s spouse, and therefore family.
Wow!!! Abigail, what a fantastic reply!!! Thank you. This also brings up I believe too.
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That does fit absolutely with my last sociopath ex. His father drank and cheated repeatedly on the mother. The father later died, he has contempt for his mother, but seems to look at his father in a hero state (whilst acknowledging that this behaviour was wrong).
You are right, that there needs to be far more punishment for those who lie in court. also intervention for women.
I love this, thank you for posting. Your observations are what I noticed too. Especially in relation to childhood. I think that lying becomes like a safety blanket, where they feel in control, because quite simply for most of their lives they have felt out of control. The only way to have control, is to have control over others.
Thank you for taking the time to offer such a well thought out reply, i really do appreciate it!! 🙂 It is the best comment, I have seen on this blog! Thank you!
Both yours and Abigail’s responses are fantastic and enlightening. This makes so much sense to me. My ex has 6 sons and 2 daughters from his first wife (she passed away). He treated her badly and has a long criminal record for fraud (I didn’t find out til afterwards). He is still involved with fraud with unemployment, federal and state taxes (he appears to be getting away with it, though I have reported him). He refuses to work. My ex’s father ran out on him when he was a baby. He has one brother and 2 sisters and all of these children had a different father. I recently found out that my ex’s mother had issues with alcohol and was a hoe (his cousin told me this, the mother is dead as well). My ex’s oldest son has distanced himself from the family and is doing very well. The second has alcohol issues, the third has drug issues, the fourth passed away last fall (but had a lot of anger), the fifth is just like his father, and the sixth is only 8. The fifth son hates his father, he is 17, and it hurts him deeply to be compared to his father, and yet he exhibits the exact same behaviors. I have feared for awhile that he was going to end up a sociopath. Abigail’s explanation above has definitely helped me to understand why this boy is the way he is. He was trying to take control because he was spiraling out of control. It also gave me clarity as to why my ex is a sociopath…I knew it was a deep seated anger and now I see how it all ties together. I tried to get him (the 17 year old) into counseling and he went twice and then refused to go anymore. It’s sad really, how one man can devastate the lives of so many and get away with it. I agree with everything the both of you have said and Abigail…I wish you could get lawmakers to see what you see…then these sociopaths would be held accountable. To the both of you…thanks…
Abigail, this is right on the money.. It helps to clarify my situation. I have looked to early child hood problems to understand my girlfriend and am absolutely certain that the problem lies there. Her mother seems to have a hypnotic effect on her and when ever she’s around it’s as if she has mind control over my girlfriend.. It’s not as if her mothers life is anything to emulate as she is basically homeless and penniless and relies on what her children or the male partners of her daughters can provide.. I have tried to explain this to my girlfriend with no success at all. I am certain that on the course she is on her outcome will be much the same.. We are separated now and have a 4 year old daughter which makes no contact an impossibility. I have provided a home, car and of course money since she will not work. There needs to be better laws that hold people accountable for adultery. We are separated because of her affairs and the law currently holds me completely responsible for her.. Your explanation really helped understand the situation I’m in and confirm many suspicions I have.. I am currently doing my best to dislodge myself from my ex girlfriend but I must admit it has been a difficult year.. I know without a doubt I will accomplish this in a healthy and permanent way but from all the reading I’ve recently done on the subject I know it is no easy task. I believe it is a job of getting the heart and mind to work unison to accomplish this.. Thanks again for the post. There should be a lot more women sociopath specific writing I would appreciate this. Thanks.
Yes my son and I are victims of Parental Alienation. I fear for his future greatly. He hates his birth mother (me), but he has no real concept of WHY. In my situation this is the result of continued domestic abuse long long after the relationship ended. The father continues his control and violence over me by using our son as a weapon and tool of war and retribution. We are going onto our fifth year of separation, 3 nearly total lack of any contact – apart from my annual postal birthday and xmas gifts – each being received but unacknowledged.
Yes a bit off topic but thank you for highlighting this growing problem. Parental Alienation is child abuse, pure and simple.
I ask a friend who has know the father of my son since he was 19 and he is now 53. I did message and ask my friend in his opinion did he think the father of my child was a sociopath?
His immediate and swift response: YES.
I am so sorry Cat, losing your children, is the most painful experience that any mother can ever go through. I read a good book about this years ago, but I cannot remember the name for it, perhaps do a google search? I think I bought it on Amazon, I cant remember what it was called.
Thank you for your kind words; I have a female doctor whose child died in an accident at age 9 and she said that my situation was worse, because I get no closure, the grief doesn’t go away with time, it just gets worse. A few others have said that same to me.
Cat
Took me 18 months to realize that my girl friend was a sociopath. Working on getting out of it right now. She has two kids from her exhusband who love me dearly and whom i love. The biggest sign for me right away was that her stories always seemed to change. If i asked her the same question four times it was four different replies. And when i called her out it was scary, she acted like she couldn’t remember what i was talking about. For example she’d say i checked out a new church today and loved it, on Sunday. On Tuesday she’d say ugh, i’m such a heathen i haven’t been to church in 6 months. The most hurtful part was every fight was my fault! Even if you have proof, it’s ALWAYS, your fault. They refuse to not win and will never back down. And they will make you feel terrible. She is constantly telling me, obviously you don’t know my heart!! And if i’d only love God i wouldn’t worry about such “petty” stuff. My feelings and emotions are always petty or bullsh**. She totally has the sociopathic stare, to a T!! I just realized that. The other thing is the constant need for male facebook attention. Friends with every exboyfriend even though they were cheating douche bags. The two huge things to me are a) things that bother me are my issue, not hers to change. and b) the giant divide of who she is and how she is with how she wants people to see her. She is constantly telling me, i’m not a liar i don’t lie and i’m not a slut. She posts Christian messages while posting bikini pictures from 10 years ago. The sex thing is HUGE, constantly telling me how lucky i am that we have sex often and how her male friends only get sex once a month. She repeats this often. She knows i am an excellent reader of people and the more i’ve started to catch her and be on to her the more aggressive and crazy she’s getting. Pushing me away and then claiming i’m not coming around because i’m selfish. She matches the exact male description you posted. She takes zero ownership and accountability even over inconsequential stuff. The best part is when they wrong or hurt you, a normal person just apologizes, but a sociopath gets mad and attacks. The empathy and guilt just aren’t wired. She is a product of a sordid childhood in which both parents were into some very bad stuff. I have zero doubt she was abused but how or to what level i don’t know. For any other dudes dating a sociopath, it’s okay to walk away. It’s not easy because you want to protect someone who’s been damaged, but you deserve to be happy to. And there’s zero happiness in dating a sociopath.
I thought i had replied to you Joseph? i must have bugs….
So you are still with her? The most crazy time with the sociopath – is when you are trying to leave the relationship. they rarely go quietly. You are quite right now they use god and religion, it is really quite crazy, I do need to re-write posts to make it gender neutral, as it really does apply to both sexes.
I expect you will find it difficult leaving the children? You know that she will say that you can’t see them? Most likely anyway. She will do anything to control and to win. That is the most important thing.
it does sound like a match for sociopathic behaviour. When are you planning to leave? Do be aware that the worst of the crazy behaviour will come out then.
Done, friday night. I left town. lol. Exactly as expected she TRIPPED, called me every name in the book. Said the whole thing was i lie & that i was abandoning her and her kids and you should be fighting for what you love, not leave. Total Rage! “They accuse you of what they are guilty of” – So true. Saturday afternoon, accused me of cheating. I laughed out loud. Sent me three emails to break down how what i said wasn’t true and there must be something else, surely it COULDN’T be her! lol. I got home and hour ago to find literally everything i’d ever given her thrown on my doorstep. I’d draw pictures with her kid and he’d put them on his wall, she ripped them all down and they were on my doorstep too. Along with the roses she’d hung to dry. Yikes. Sent me a text to revisit something we talked about last night. Bibles quotes all over the place…
She didn’t return the ear rings though, so i’m assuming that’s for a later date.
Oh well done Joseph!!!! ….. expect the daily barrage of texts…. accusing you of everything. How are you feeling now?
Joseph if you haven’t already report all of your cards as lost or stolen and transfer all of your money to a new account!!! Trust me!
Dude – you should call up her ex-husband. That would be a hell of a great couple of beers as you find out the “other side” of the story. I had beers with only one of my ex’s live-ins. The latest has been there for over a year, which proves to me he just 1) really needs a place to sleep at night, or 2) he’s a fucking idiot.
I bet the exhusband lets you see the kids when they are with him. Talk about a good way to exact revenge on her!
I know This is 2 years old but if you read this I hope you’re doing better. It took me 15 years to wake up. You explained what I went through exactly. Godspeed
Hi,
It is nice to see some writing on female sociopaths, albeit it would be nice to see more. I was in a relationship with a girl for the last six years who I now know is a sociopath. I am a normal guy and very much believe in an equal partnership, financially and emotionally. In otherwords I do not have loads of money and I never dated golddiggers. What I offered was a strong and loving family, a lack of baggage, and zero trust issues. It made me the perfect target for a girl who was extremely attractive, younger, and coming out of what she described as an abusive relationship where she was cheated on and betrayed. So far I don’t think anyone would see this as outrageous a situation and as I would learn her ability to use societys views on the female more often being the victim to cheating men etc was exceptional. It took myself and my family a year or two before the initial lies started to counterdict each other. She had lied about her past education, work, travel, and general upbringing. Finally she admitted to me she had been a stripper, but had stopped when we began dating. I loved her, I wanted to believe her, and most of all I thought she could change with help (as at this point we were well into all the signs that have been described on this site and I was flopping between insanity and love, I was so incredibly confused at why she would attack me and accuse me of things I had never done, like cheating). I loved her and so I decided I understood, she was embarrassed of her past and felt she needed to exagerate or I would not love her, if I knew who she “really” was. We set the slate clean and prepared to move forward with honesty – it wasnt an ideal situation, but hell, what is I told myself…and I really care about this girl, we have an incredible connection, its worth the fight. I became determined with my help she could find something she loved (she was working as a bartender and host, or so I thought). What ensued was another several years of lies, manipulation, and a temultuous relationship that turned me into at times a monster I never thought I was capable of becoming. I broke up with her a dozen times over these years, but was unable to stay away. Yes, she did use sex to manipulate me to get back together, but I truly loved her (or at least the side of her she had created for me, if I am understanding properly). When finally I was able to break things off on advice of very worried friends, family, and even my GP doctor who I arranged for her to start seeing and after a year had zero doubt she was a sociopath (and who went so far as to suggest this to me when re-subscribing me anxiety medication – risky on his part but he’s known me since I was a kid), that is when things really got bad. I am still unsure of the true extent of the lies and betrayal over six years. She certainly had not stopped stripping for all or periods of it and I found this out when she texted me to tell me she was doing so. I went to the club she said she was at and found her in a private room lapdancing a guy with her top off…it was the worst moment of my life, she was on drugs, laughed and gave me the finger. Why that was not the end and why I am still a year later pushing from grieve stage to grief stage without acceptance, I am just starting to understand – sort if. I tried to “safe” her after that, even knowing she had a new boyfriend. She played me so well, telling me what I wanted to hear, sleeping with me just often enough. Afterall, I broke up with her, broke her heart, this was all my fault she said. My value weakened and her respect for me deteriorated as I became more depressed and easier for her to manipulate (I think at times just another client so to speak). This is not a girl who looks like a stripper or acts as one, she is everyone would agree naturally beautiful and equally as charismatic. The final blow came three months ago…I was a complete mess despite therapy and medications, even regular exercise…I was lonely and god I missed this “person” I was in love with. She came to me and said she was still madly in love with me, was a mess and confused, and I invited her to move back in to the small condo I had just purchased (having given up the loft we had been renting), i’d help her get back on her feet, we’d make a final go of it…two weeks later she had moved in with an extremely wealthy guy and his five year old son, they just bought a new house in the wealthiest neighbourhoods in the city, and commute by private jet between places around the world (all so I am told via her friends and photos on social networks – from which I am luckily blocked). She gave up the lease on her place, changed her phone number, and I suspect has easily convinced her friends I am crazy and obsessed with her (who knows what else), as I did most certainly send a flurry of messages since that time, ranging from anger to begging. I get gossip regularly it seems how she had been cheating in me with dozens of guys over the years…I think for me this is the hardest now, I met many of the guys she is rumoured to have cheated with, several many many times. The club scene wasnt my world, it was hers. The only contact I have had with her since this is an email, which I begged her to send me many times and finally threatened to tell her new BF she had been with me when they had started dating – it told me in no kind words it was over and I should move on…an attempt at closure for me, which insanely has not worked. I am a smart guy who dated very good looking and intelligent girls all my life, and I am still confused how this has happened to me and why I cannot seem to move on? I am insanely embarrassed and lonely, it is rather pathetic and I long for the stage of acceptance, unsure it will ever come.
Hi Zippy, thank you for taking the time to write to me. It sounds like you have been through quite a lot in those six years!!! It is also difficult to come to terms that you had been dating someone who is really, not the person that she made herself out to be.
The continuing to hurt you through social networking is very common for male victims of female sociopaths, as they write how much better they are doing without you, with someone who is richer, more successful, or whatever else it is that they think will press your buttons.
It is sad, but to them this is just a game. Her new partner is also a victim to her game. Lying about you, saying that you are obsessed with her, is all part of her strategy and no doubt she is playing victim of all YOU did to her, making you doubt yourself, and think that you are the bad guy. Your not.
Sociopaths are disordered people. Their brain thinks differently, they see life as a game, and others as players in their game. If they are not winning and getting what they want with you, they will find someone else to play the game with.
The ONLY way to really heal and recover, is to go NO contact.
Which means, block her number, block her social media, block email. Mutual friends are negative for you. It wont help you to build self esteem.
Know that you are not the only one.There is nothing to be embarrassed about, it is just that they are more skilled at hiding, being predatory, and being manipulative than you are at looking for it, or as you loved her you probably didn’t want it to be true either.
Each time she hurts you, it means that you are still in the game for her to be able to. The only way to truly start healing, is to block contact, and focus on you. You CAN do it…..just take back your power for YOU!! 🙂
Thanks I appreciate your advice.
I just got out of a relationship with a female sociopath. She was just as you described to a T. She came in my life like a whirlwind of sex, seduction, beauty and desire but with a sad past. Cheating ex boyfriends, college pregnancy, strict parents that misunderstand her. She conned me out of some money and then stole my credit card and ran up some charges. Then just as fast as she came she was gone. Of course it was my fault that the relationship was over. I tried to talk to her, tried to get her back but was met with a cold shell of the person that she used to be. She tried to disappear however I have filed a police report for the credit card fraud and theft. Hopefully the police can finally get her off the streets and save her next victim whom I hear is an overweight doctor that she keeps going back to.
Good luck with that, you might not get money back from her, but your credit card company might give it back. My bank gave me money back that he stole from me.
well the bank gave me the money back already however she is facing theft, identity theft, debit/credit card fraud, computer fraud, receiving stolen property and handling stolen property. She ordered things from an online company on her cell phone. They fully cooperated with me and gave me all the details plus the IP address. I’m an IT guy so it wasn’t hard to follow her digital trail. I traced the IP address to a tower about a block away from where she works. Then just a few days ago her most recent ex contacted me and told me everything I didn’t know about it and is willing to testify against her. Apparently she tried to steal a large sum of money from him too however his bank flagged it as fraud and stopped the purchase.
Great post and right on. Helps in my current situation. Thanks
Hello,
I could’ve sworn I posted this earlier, but anyway, I’m a male who is about five months past extracting myself from a relationship with a female who demonstrated sociopathic behavior, if not an outright sociopath. We weren’t married (although I was making plans to ask her this summer) but had lived together for over a year, and dated for four before that, each living on our own. Back in March, I found out she has been seeing another man on the side, for “hooking up” while I travelled for work (an occasional necessity for my job). Sometimes she even made plans to see him and lied to me, saying she was with family or friends. How do I know all this? I accidentally saw one of his text messages one saturday, when she left her phone out in front of me. I looked at it expecting it to be her girl friend, who we expected over, and who frequently got lost on the way to our place. I confronted her, wanting to know who he was, and she lied, saying he was some weird guy friend from college. Her friend showed up, and they went out together, but unconvinced, I went through her old cell phone and found a year’s worth of dirty messages and plans between the two of them. I tried to give her a chance to come clean, but she continued lying, until I presented her with the evidence. To be clear, before any of this occurred, I trusted her entirely and HAD NO CLUE THIS WAS HAPPENING! She confessed to seeing this other man on and off, for most of our relationship. She said she liked the attention. I threw her out at that point, even though she was crying and begging me not to end things. How could I not? She had be lying to me for almost six years.
Five months later, I’ve cut off all communication with her. Her phone number is blocked, as is her email addresses. I can’t help thinking that the last six years of my life was a lie. My friends have told me not to look at it that way. That she likely loved me when she was with me, but I can’t wrap my head around that. We frequently had problems, usually stemming from our sex life, and would fight about it. They tended to involve her inability to get aroused or lack of needing sex very often. I had blamed myself, since this was also my first serious, adult relationship (I had dated a few women before her, but they never lead to anything serious), and would eventually assume I needed to be more patient. Now I realize it was that she was being fulfilled elsewhere. That also leads me to wonder, if she just wanted to be some guy’s “sport fuck” (please pardon my language), why lead me on with the pretense of a real relationship? There were plenty of times where she could’ve got out, clean! I would’ve never suspected! I paid most of the bills, bought most of the food, and owned most of our furniture. I also lavished her with nice gifts, and like I said, was planning to ask her to marry me this summer. Boy do I feel like a damned fool…
Hi McC thank you for your comment. I am sure that you wrote here yesterday, I seem to be having problems with comments here, I found a lot in spam yesterday 😦 I don’t know how that is happening. It is good that you have blocked off communication with her, this will allow healing and focus on you and your life. Although the hurt and pain remains, that you put all that time and effort into someone who was not being honest with you. I know that hurts. Its usually best (no matter how hard it is) to focus on you and not the sociopath!! Then you will be the winner, as you have the ability to love and to feel…..
After reading some of your entries, and also some other stuff concerning sociopaths, I actually feel a bit better. I felt like I was crazy, as I was the only one who seemed to think she was a sociopath. Friends and family told me that she was just a girl with issues and needed to get her head sorted out.
I still find it very difficult to get back out and meet people. I was never great at meeting women to begin with, but am extremely skittish now. I’ve been out with friends who will try to encourage me to talk to a girl who may or may not have shown some interest in me, but I usually make an excuse not to. I guess that’s what I need to work on now.
Hi McC Just wanted to say I have pretty much exactly the same story as you its pretty horrific what they can do! I even found out the same way as you through txts on her phone it came as such a shock. We had only moved out into a flat together 3 months before. Stupidly I paid for pretty much everything and all bills were in my name. I even got all furniture and stuff she wanted for flat even things like expensive hair straighteners top make up kitchen tuff she wanted etc. Its crazy how they can get you to spend all your money on them and I barely thought about it Id never do that normally! She got away with things because she was younger and had a low paid job which she kept changing! I also chucked her out when I found out she was cheating on me with some guy she had met like one week before in a new job. She pretended to go to work met up with him wearing all sexy clothes then even got me to pick her up outside work with her uniform back on. I found everything out 100% and she still just kept lying so mental! I even showed her the txts id read and she had some weird story about it was someone at work trying to cause trouble! And she kept deleting messages on her new phone saying it was broken! When I chucked her out (after coming back to the flat because I thought she had him round but she lied saying it was a gf) she laughed at me and gave me the most evil stare in the world and walked off with this guy she had just met I heard she moved in with him seriously like they met a few days before! She had been going on for months about marriage and babies how much she loved me had a holiday booked we were buying clothes for it few days before these people are so crazy. Days after she txt saying she wanted all the stuff id bought her back and she had rang the police and they would give me a criminal record if I didn’t give it back lol and she wanted the £100 she had paid towards the holiday (id lost about £500 on it plus had to pay for our flat and numerous contracts ie cable tv) I got no apology or nothing I think she thinks im in the wrong for chucking her out haha! Its been over 3 months no contact for me now im way better still not feeling like seeing anyone new I really thought this was my soul mate its so sick what they do! Its quite hard to accept the person we loved and wanted forever didn’t even exist just a fraud! Its easy for us to feel like a fool but we have to understand if someone keeps telling us how much they love and want us you tend to believe it I didn’t even really know what a sociopath was before. They cant love anyone you have to pity who she is with now it will happen to them 100% hope your doing ok anyway
THis reassembles to what I went through. She went to work in a distant community and give me calls, Skype, texts, e-mails and all every day. Then, I started noticing that contacts became less frequent and less engaging, yet there was always that “hearth warming love” message there. One night, she called me. I could hear she was in the tub having bath. Water was audible on my cell. Then I heard someone coughing behind. A man. Then he started talking. I couldn’t understand what he was saying but he was pretty close to the receiver. I asked explanations. She replied that the water is getting cold in the tub and she has to get out. And she hung up. What are you thinking? Later, when I challenged her, she said the lines were crossed. Then she said I was hearing voices all my own. I never knew who was in her bed that night. SHe never accepted any wrong doing. She said I am obsessed and jealous and have to seek some therapy. Another day, she said, she never “changed her story” on this. I stick to what I said for months and accepted that I am giving her a “second chance” to be with me. That made her nuts… She was calling her sisters and talking about all these bs, that I am overly jealous and so what. But never told the true story. I placed a recorded under the table to record her lies whilst I was out working.
Folks. These people can destroy your life. Be very careful. This is not a game. If you are man, like me, don’t get captured with the sex. If sex is too good, beware. What I understand from these posts here, sex is generally good with these vampires. Watch yourself. Know well with who you are dealing and disappear from their picture. Postivagirl… I AGREE ALMOST EVERYTHING YOU WRITE. You are a big support with this community..
Thank you Dguy 🙂
Great article! I’ve (unfortunately) dated 2 female sociopaths and wanted to add something to the discussion they both had in common and that was their work. They both worked for get rich scheme “pyramid” companies as recruiters using their feminine charm to their advantage. They didn’t care or see anything wrong with what they were doing just the personal gain for themselves. They thrived on this gain and the more people they’d con the bigger this gain was. They both loved it. When I brought my reservations about their work to their attention neither could understand and quickly passed the blame to the people that were being ripped off. It was pretty ridiculous. Thank God I caught the red flags at the time and got out. It was later when I put 2 and 2 together and figured out they were sociopaths.
Hi Rich, thanks for your comment and welcome to the site 🙂
Ugh, my brother keeps falling for sociopathic girls. I’m pretty sure he’s a sociopath-magnet. They always seem to have some sort of problem they need a nice guy to fix for them. He has a big heart and falls for it hook, line, and sinker every time. The relationships never last very long before he figures out they’re full of crap, but the aftermaths end up lasting longer than the actual relationship did. When he finally wises-up and calls it off (often after they’ve gotten what they want from him, or figured out that he’s not loaded financially), they get crazy. Two girls in particular sent him countless harassing messages/notes, showed up at his house at all hours of the night ringing his doorbell and driving off, left photographs of themselves in his mailbox and used blocked phone numbers to call him or his work multiple times – often accusing him of stalking them, when in actuality they were clearly stalking him. The first time this happened he did all the wrong things; responding to messages thinking the girl needed help or to try to explain that he wasn’t whatever they accused him of. Naturally, every time he responded it only made the whole ordeal last longer and fed the sociopaths ammunition.
He’s a bit wiser now about not caving in to these attention ploys and not responding to them, but I worry because he keeps falling for this type of girl and it’s keeping him from meeting someone nice and normal. I’ve had countless conversations with him urging him to figure out why he’s attracted to the “damsel-in-distress” type, but so far no such luck. It’s like his normal radar is backwards. He distrusts normal girls and falls for the sociopaths. This has happened to him so many times now that he’s pretty suspicious and cynical of every girl. It’s sad, but sometimes I think maybe it’s better. At least it will keep him safe from all the heartache and stress this has caused him over the years.
Put it this way…I am at peace..in harmony. Yet knowing how much better it could be with a Queen…not desperation…true knowing.
female sociopaths also use motherhood a lot. like “oh i gave birth, I am mother, I have to do it for /because of my kid.” Just went they say “I am mother”, they forget to add: “I am mother with half million house, home cleaner and full time baby sitter”, and they play victims, and even poor secretary who can hardly survive on her salary, has to let them go first and get what they want.
i am glad i found your site however i feel relieved and disheartened at the same time! relieved in a way that i am not alone and others have gone through almost the same verbatim, disheartened that i should have known this the first time around, but reconciled and has forgiven her because i honestly believed she loved and cared for me and showed me enough change in her that i was finally convinced to move forward. we have been together on & off for 3 years – i met her after several months of breaking up with her ex boyfriend that was abusive and controlling that met her, took her in, helped in her weakest moment after her divorce, helped her with her daughter etc. she fell for him and lasted in a volatile relationship for 5 years and continued to spill to mine. her ex boyfriend is not only a person of culture that controls women but looks at women as not equal. he took her self-esteem, confidence and most of all her heart — he is a classic male sociopath! not knowing, i fell for her myself, gave her a commitment diamond ring to show her that i am here for her and her daughter. she has her own job and wants to be independent so it never dawn on me or felt she was relying on me. she’s painted her ex boyfriend as abusive, OCD, bi-polar, stole her car, stole her money in her account, left her and her daughter with no car and no money – she had to call her dad to get her out of his condo when he wasn’t around, borrowed and was able to get a car to get around – she painted herself a victim and blamed her ex for everything. i was blinded to all of the signs and gave her the benefit, but she pretty much mimicked what he has done, has abandonment issues, anxiety disorder from childhood etc – her ex continued communication with her and she allowed him to see their mutual dog and i struggled with this but allowed it. he calls her multiple times, call her names, comes over her condo barged in because she wasn’t answering his call to his surprise i was there when he just opened the door and went inside to take their dog – i was able to deter him from doing anything else but was smart enough just to call the police. police came, they interviewed her, saw the 27 missed calls, read the string of nasty text messages and emails etc – finally convinced her to file charges which she was hesitant to do because in the past, they had a domestic violence incident as well. police had a warrant for him, he didn’t return the dog but she decided to go to his condo and wait for him instead of the police doing their job without my knowledge while we are in a resort with our friends and family. come to find out, she got the dog back and later found that she end up cheating on me that day and she slept with him then came back to the resort like nothing happened. i didn’t know what happened until several months have passed and i had a gut feeling one day–made a surprised visit to her place, and saw her and her ex boyfriend getting into her car. i followed them and they went to a restaurant – i confronted both of them, she was wearing my commitment ring, she was angry that i followed them and blamed me — her ex boyfriend said they are just going for friendly drink and there’s nothing going with them — through all this, i told her i caught her red-handed, she denied, i told her it’s over and give me back the ring, she threatened me to call the police on me if i insisted and proceeded to walk away from me and went with her ex boyfriend. she disappeared the entire weekend and didn’t hear from her until monday. fast forward, we broke up and with no contact for 6-months. she went back to him, he wanted her to move in but she finally convinced herself he’s not right for her and her daughter so ultimately broke up with him again finally. during this time, he still had a criminal charge over him by her, i was suppose to show up for court, spoke to the prosecutor but case was place on hold. i guess, he convinced her to write a letter to the prosecutor that they were back together and that it was a mistake, even though the charges can’t be dropped or ever removed, the case is still open. she made contact with me and we started talking again. met her one night and was convinced she still cared and loved me – she told me everything and had remorse for what she had done and asked for forgiveness. we got back together and was fairly solid for close to one year then i decided to propose to her. i asked her dad for her hand, i proposed and she accepted. it’s been four months with no incident and no contact with her ex but i had some run-in with him and she had run-in’s with other people that he had painted her as the villain and he was the victim. then came anonymous emails send to her and cc’d to me regarding old emails my now fiance sent to him while we were broken up for 6-months that she wanted to marry him, he’s the love of her life etc. i was petrified with these emails of deep love and i had to continually prove myself to her. i know this was in the past and i wasn’t perfect either we’ve done stupid things in those moments….obviously, it was meant to stir-up the pot, and i confronted her with the emails and turned around and blamed me for listening to her ex, letting him ruin our relationship, and again i was insecure. then recently, i had a sitdown with him and two days later, another anonymous email came containing email communication between my fiance and a so-called friend of hers from outside the US that frequently visits the US. it was emails before we met, during us dating the first time, during her going back to her ex, and up to us reconciling then it stopped just ten months ago. she’s having an emotional affair with another man, which i call cheating – and had intimate words to each other such as “i have real feelings for you, i opened my heart, i thought we had a connection, i am still interested…..” even though this man is married and at that time she was in a relationship. the email was sent to her and cc’d me on it again. we ended up talking about it, she denied that there was anything going on, she said it was harmless, she thought he was her friend, she didn’t meet him the last time he was here because she decided not to for me, and turned around the situation back at me that i have done the same, which was not true but started to blame me for it. she did say the emails are inappropriate and hurtful re-reading them from almost a year ago – but has nothing to do with her and i. she said yes to me and have been always faithful to me and never cheated. she never said sorry or apologetic in any way – and told me that i am letting the anonymous email (obviously from her ex) – because i have resources to track sources and alias etc to ruin our family and our relationship again. we were suppose to marry each other and she chose me over anyone else. i told her for four months, i know you have not done anything yet prior to that i told her she was having an emotional affair. i contacted the other man, he text’d me back with information, and called him the following day with her in the room. the man said one thing, that she knew he was married and he didn’t know she was single etc….bottom line, they were both consistent that there was no physical or sexual contact between them and they went out on one date before i met her 3 years ago with no contact. either way, they both admitted that it was emotional via email but they finally stopped 10 months ago. my fiance continued to deny having any relationship with this man and that’s all i want to hear — for her to take responsibility and show remorse. i can’t trust her any longer and appalled by her cheating on me again — i feel like a disposal and a supply chain as you mention in your blog. she lives with me for almost a year, she had major surgery that i supported her on and been there at her side, took care of “our/her” daughter and started our new family — we even started our own business so she can quit her job, and have more flexibility and make our own money for ourselves. so far the business is building momentum and we as a family made it happen. we are proud of that then this happened. i feel helpless, guilty and feel that it was the past and i know what that email was meant to do but i can’t just ignore that she might be a female sociopath, and she will never change. i don’t want to live the rest of my life looking behind my back and doubting her. i told her it’s over and i will give her back the engagement band she gave me too when we got engaged (which was the ultimate sign that she has made the ultimate commitment to our relationship), started our own business, moved in to my house (all these she was reluctant before and the first time around) — she’s always with me to make sure i feel that she’s there for us, she acted as if we are married and a family. she’s told me and others that i am her best friend and partner in life (i felt the same way….) — but i can’t ignore what had happened and i don’t want the illusion of her really being part of my life long-term. we both have trust issues with each other and it’s sad to say that now! after i told her we are over, she showed me that she wants to work on our relationship, move forward but her actions doesn’t match the words, she start to call me names, blame me for letting past emails ruin our family, she told me that she chose me, she said yes, and it’s not good enough for me. i don’t know what else to say but it’s good to write it down and get it off my chest. i am not one just to give up but i think this time around i need to just walk away. of course, i can’t write my entire 3 year story – but i can honestly say, she’s been there for me as well emotionally through good and bad times, but i can say to her that i it wasn’t equal contribution but i never minded that. all i want is for us to continue building our relationship and family until this recent event. i don’t know ultimately what i need to do, but i am afraid, i will end up broken!
Do you really think that she is good for you? Or even that she is in a position to be in a relationship with anyone? If her ex is a sociopath they are very convincing and very manipulative and persuasive. They can do severe psychological damage. Sometimes – some victims find it easier to return for yet another round of lies. It can take quite some time to break free. I would think that even if he wasn’t on the scene that it is unlikely that she would be in a position to be in a relationship with anyone until she has fully healed and recovered. I know that you are hurting right now from what you write. But do you not think that perhaps it would be good to focus on you? On healing and recovering you? And then you can decide what to do with a clear head?
thank you for your response..from what i described, is my fiance displays female sociopath behavior or she’s mimicked her past relationship? i believed her that she was on her way to recovery in the last 4-months since we got engaged, until this recent anonymous email opened up old wounds for me — you are right, not sure if she’s healed and perhaps after me, she’ll move on to another person and display the same behaviors — i hope not for the 9 year old sake. she picked up our 9 year old from school, she was sad and looked upset, angry that this is happening, and composed ourselves because we had an important client call the we needed to be part of. she made dinner, did laundry that i usually do because i work from home and tidy up our living room — took a long walk around our neighborhood etc. she’s in our room and have not decided to leave and go back to her condo. she has this fight and flight mentality prior to us reconciling and made significant mental changes and got help to make the change. she’s not giving up from what i can tell but we are not discussing anything right now. i thinking and typing at the same time so i apologize in advance about my observations and thoughts. our 9 year old is here with us until tonight, and she will be back with her dad tomorrow after school. is she just staying here because our 9 year old is still here? or she’s really making a effort to show her not just giving up? doubts and trust issues relating to me, yes! i want to heal and recover but also afraid to give up…..i can’t stop these thoughts in my head.
Hi, I think you need to make the decision how this is making you feel? From what you are writing it looks as if this is not making you feel too happy. Maybe you need to set yourself a timeframe how long you are going to do this for? For your own peace of mind and sanity. If she has came and gone a few times now, how many times can you go over the same thing? And would you even be able to trust her now after everything that has happened? As without trust you really have nothing.
I agree 110% regarding trusting. We talked calmly this morning without incident about what had transpired and she was affectionate however, in a matter of minutes I mentioned that her/I need to rebuild our trust and how to we go about doing so….i suggested to her let’s remove our passcodes from our phone (i have given her my passcode because i don’t have nothing to hide but changed the code because of what had happened) — she didn’t want to give her passcode and proceeded that i always had it (false statement) and went off because i know she tried to get in my phone last night and i didn’t say anything about it. i guess she’s been harboring this and told me to lead by example! she got angry and started with the vicious cycle of lecturing me why i changed my passcode, i told her the reason why i changed it and i know she’s just looking for anything to use against me to make herself feel better and turn this around towards me and play the victim of “that’s why i don’t trust men….” it seemed to me very predictable and coincide for sure from what i read in your blogs. she’ll bad mouth me and make sure we know that i am the one to blame. i told her that i am not renewing the lease on the house (she still has a condo herself that she didn’t want to let go because she wants her independence and so-called space at times). prior to the incident last week, we were planning to move to a larger home with a pool again in the same community and already had the new lease signed, but put it on hold because i don’t want to get stuck with a house that i don’t need. i have own a condo that i am renting out that i can move back into if needed. she started with her name calling and verbal tirade as usual and i was hoping that she doesn’t. it’s been like this and after being more aware of the signs, she’s not going to make it easy for me to walk away because she’s setting it up in her mind, that I abandoned her and our 9 year old and come up with other stories to make me look bad. it’s sad but true so the answer to your question is i am having movers coming mid-next week vacate the house i live in and for her to turn in the engagement diamond ring this weekend. any suggestions on how to handle the situation and to break off from it without her destroying my property and making a scene like that last time.
…and she always says this about herself, “i am a good person and forgiving. i am independent and works hard for my daughter”. while she went on with her tirades, she blamed me that she has shown me that she’s me with and chose me. she doesn’t go out anymore, she doesn’t spend much, she feels like she doesn’t have her independence anymore, she goes to work, home, me and daughter…” i told her that we got engaged and you wanted to start our family, i reminded her that’s what families do! it was your choice that you can’t trust yourself enough then you resent me that i did this to her?
I’ve been duped by a female sociopath as you all know. Ptsd. The works.
I agree. The female sociopath doesn’t use physical aggression she attacks without warning by proxy and or indirectly.
Sex is a tool to her.
Damaging your reputation by planting the seeds of doubt in people around you the preferred method.
Society expects men to be strong. The female SP uses the Akido principle. She doesn’t meet force with force she undermines you subtly.
She will sleep with your friend if it presented her an opportunity. Then it would be your fault. You made her do it.
how do I get rid of a sociopath? the only thing that seems to get rid of her is when I am broke but I dont want to hurt the kids. she thinks i am lying about everything because she lies, she has stolen all my friends, she calls them all kinds of names an wont allow me to see them but when I do I hear that she has sex with them behind my back, which in my youth I would have been able to handle but since i am a grown ass man i try not to let it get to me, she bitches at me for smoking tobacco and then lets me provide and use while getting cigarettes and money from other men, tells people that the kids need things and takes hand outs that me and the kids never see, my mom has reciepts for 5 years of us buying everything yet she is still convincing people that she needs money,
tells me she cant get a job when I know damn good and well my friend has been offering her one for 6 months, spends everyones money including her late fathers on god knows what and used to hit me and everything in the house till I snapped and hit her. now she just emotionally abuses us and trys to get me to hit her so I will got to jail and she will look the victim. what do I do, I want whats best for the kids but at the same time I dont want her raising them to be little sociopaths themselves. I ask her if I can just leave, why she wont just let me leave and give her the house is beyond me other then she wants me hurt or in prison because she is mad that i no longer fall for her games….
when I do say I am going to leave her the house and send her money she calls me the n word. repeatly again I think trying to make me hit her. she is a white female in a small town so on top of it. for two years they have had me in a class and are repeating things they hear me say on the street and are acting like I am the one abusing her…. yet they refuse to make her take even an evaluation. can I sue? is it illegal to simply run away from marriage and kids and probation because the women is a sociopath? no, but it is legal for her to hit me and when I do the same put me on lockdown by the police and try to get a bunch of people to kill me? I am white/native btw, she doesnt allow me to go to church, or sing in the shower, sleep in my own bed, or have any friends, she holds the kids over me and my moms head and even had my own friends threatening me. I at one point was afraid to sleep in my own house because I thought she was going to slit my throat or worse have one of my former friends do it,
she does things like tell me to tell them they cant do something in our home and then turns around and tells them on the street that she had nothing to do with it and that I am a jerk, she has cost me over 4 jobs in 5 years. she lives in my house for free, yet I am not allowed to touch her cigarette butts, she drives my truck to go see her boyfriend yet she wont let me touch hers without threatening me with cops. she is abusive to animals. which scares me, she is mentally abusive to my kids which scares me, she is also extreamely manipulative and has always had a “male bestfriend” that if anything happens between us she runs too and says its my faults, thus resulting in the whole town thinking I am crazy and that I want her. which I do not… I cant get her out of my house and like I said two years of this class because one day I hit her back and the class lady believes her too and says I am minimizing…which I dont, I admit that I did snap and hit her. I drove around two and a half hours waiting on them to pick me up when it happened because I am non violent, to put it in perspective, I could have been long gone considering it takes 4 minutes to leave town, I drove around the city limits because I had nowhere else to go and when the picked me up I had my head held down. yet when she put her hands on me she bawled and I dropped the charges(two years before I got put on probation for hitting her back, she hit me at least 17 times before that happened) I tell people this and they dont believe me….what do I do???
I know of at least 25 times she has cheated and at least 5 people including my brother. whom now hates her too, I graduated the sixth grade so I am simply not at all able to fully understand why she acts this way. if I am nice it worse, when I do what she wants she cheats when I am at work and doesnt do house work and then tells people she does and that I dont. when I started recording her abusive behavior she started flipping that too…. told people I hit her even though I was only recording her yell at me….I have pushed her away from me and she usually falls because she isnt very big….it makes me feel bad, it only happens when she is in my face yelling at me and calling me the nword.
Hi Clint, thank you for your comment. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. You sound desperate for help. I am hearing you. We all understand on this site what is going on with you and how you can be made out to be the victim. It sounds from what you write that the thing that keeps you there is your children (I did read that right that you have children together?) – this is NOT going to get better.
First thing, you do need to know is that this will not get better. You have to get out. I know that you are concerned for your childrens safety I would recommend social services involvement if they are not already involved. But I would imagine that as you now have a history of violence and that she is a prolific liar, that you fear that you will lose access to your children?
I can see from the desperation in what you write, that you are in a space where you cannot think of what to do and are feeling desperate and trapped in your situation.
What I would recommend, would be to remove yourself from the situation. Yes things might get worse for a while – but they would eventually get better. Remember that the sociopath uses love and fear to control you. It sounds that she is doing this very well. You cannot change her, but you can change you, and your responses to her.
You say that your brother hates her – so you have one person who is willing to listen to you? This is all that you need – ONE person. You don’t need a whole heap of people to start the healing and recovery process for you. Can you leave and go to stay with your brother.
If she is a sociopath (and it sounds like she might be) she won’t particularly like the responsibility of being a single parent. Hopefully in time you could arrange access to your children. As right now she has total control over you – and your life.
To stop this control you have to stop allowing her to control you. Leave – stay with one person that you trust. Get out of the situation. When you do you will find that you will start to think with a clearer head.
This will also force her to think too. As no doubt she has some form of supply from you. Additionally she treats you like this – because she can!!
Sociopaths love games. They are empty inside so love to play games. STOP playing the game with her. Remove yourself from the situation.
I appreciate that this is tough as you have children, and your fear leaving them in her care – but it is all that you can do at least for now.
This will give you headspace to think. Away from her can you then gain support of people who you trust? It doesn’t matter if she has 100 people and you have one – as long as that one person will listen to you and is on your side.
Take it one day at a time. When you go to leave – it is likely that her behaviour will escalate towards you, and it might feel like living in a nightmare for a while. But this cannot continue forever. It is a storm that you will go through and this is better than continually being played as a toy.
Can you do this? Do you have one person that you can stay with? It sounds to me what you are desperately in need of right now is peace of mind. A chance to rebuild you. You sound in a desperately abusive situation. Write here – and read here too I have written posts about many things that you write about so you don’t feel so alone with this – we do understand.
No doubt the lies, smear campaigns against you will begin. But let that go, allow her to get on with it, she will eventually hang herself with her lies.
You cannot change her – but you can change you. Please do this, for your own sanity.
Also keep records of dates/times/ everything that she does. As in your confusion you might find it difficult to remember and you know that she will lie about you. Keep records.
I have known more than one Female Sociopath. Most of them appear to be normal…but when you investigate into their past history, most were Molested as children or have come from unstable or mentally ill familys who neglected them. Both wealthy and poor. Not saying this is what caused them to become Sociopths but it’s pretty coincidental.
Not sure where to put this but anyone in the UK there is a drama on tonight (Tuesday 01 October) on Sky Living at 9pm called the Psychopath next door about a female psychopath I have know idea how good or realistic it will be, hopefully it will not try and show a psychopath as an axe murderer anyway!
Seem to be loads on UK tv (or is it just me as I notice it) recently… or at least in the last year. I don’t have living though… 😦
Yeah there is a fair amount on maybe we notice more now though I guess its an interesting topic for people. Its just a shame most stuff is so unrealistic! Umm Ill have a look if its on youtube later and send a link and say if I think its any good!
It was quite good actually it really did remind me of my ex made me feel a bit sick but made me think how amazing it is Ill never see her again! The actress in it Anna Friel was so cold and calculated in it just causing people problems for no reason worth a watch!
How to go over this emotional tragedy? Here what I want to know: why we are addicted to them? Why they magnetize us? To heal, I think we have to do more than NC. We have to shift ourself into another level.. Not that all victims can do unfortunately…
Hi Dguy I did write about addiction. They deliberately create dependency and addiction to them. https://datingasociopath.com/2013/06/04/the-relationship-with-the-sociopath-is-over-so-why-cant-you-let-go-take-me-to-your-drug-dealer/
By doing absolutely NO Contact you will heal at a faster rate. It is like addiction to anything (think cigarettes) – yes you might get the odd pang. But by reading as much as you can – this will also empower you.
Thanks +girl. Reading your blogs help a lot. I was addicted to cigarettes for over than 22 years and quit with the help of patches. I was addicted to gambling for 2 years, I left the city I was living, found a job somewhere else. I was living sane and addiction-free in the last ten years only until I met her. Do I need “something”, other than NC, to get rid of this sociopath addiction. Speed of healing seems long. Addictive behaviour kills the fundamental rules of NC…
Ha – now if you can quit nicotine. YOU CAN quit her!!! Ok….. you know how once you quit you can do it again. It is an addiction (they do this deliberately – create addiction to them)…. SO if you can quit smoking…… see it the same way – it is just an addiction and one that you can quit. When you see it as an addiction – no contact makes so much more sense. Those pangs that pain…. see it as withdrawal from nicotine – you KNOW that it will go away…. and it will with this too….. you can do this!!!
Hi Dguy,
First, let me say I’m not a psychologist! But, I am and plan to continue in-depth study of this phenomenon. So, take my assessments for what they’re worth to you.
From what I’ve experienced myself, and observed of the experiences of others, there generally seems to be some deficit (or a belief thereof) within ourselves. I’d encourage you to look inward, especially given your history of addictions. You are right that no contact is treating only the symptom in this case. Is therapy something you’re considering?
With respect to the “why” of the actual addictive behavior of going back repeatedly, it reminds me of something more of a compulsion—especially since, many times when the victim is wanting to re-establish contact or return, it is after knowing deeper darkness and hurt than they might’ve only suspected previously when earlier in the relationships. Are we wanting to “go back to the scene” to try to get it right this time? If so, this is a problem with us as logic already is screaming that the soc isn’t changeable (while he/she is also simultaneously literally screaming that we are the ones at fault and in need of “fixing”).
Therefore, this cycle is not helpful and not a place where we will find core answers to help heal. I believe that answers will come from introspection and, therefore trigger the paradigm shifts. For those with children with soc’s, there is a whole other aspect of management—of self, of soc, of children—even post-healing, that is very complex.
Yes, I see a therapist. Read lots of material, keep myself busy as much as I can. On the other hand, I cannot focus on my work, on my friends, on my diet, on my exercises. Thursday, I run my car into a concrete column in the parking lot, damaged the door or $2,000. I am worried. There is no “logic” in going back to the scene, but a voice inside keeps saying “I should.” Another voice says almost in the same time that if I go back, I will be totally ruined and humiliated. What a weird feeling!! Eh? I like your wording “introspection”, yes it should be some sort of behavioural or mental shift that complements NC strategy. Thanks for your input jusagul..
That definitely sounds like compulsion. When they get to the point of being distracting enough to disrupt your day-to-day (and wallet!) it’s something a therapist needs to help through. I don’t know if there is a component of depression to your scenario or not (?) that is also fueling your distraction, but there was to mine. Getting help with that aspect helped me better focus in the directions I prefer than in those where I feel compelled (if that makes sense). I’m also studying evil/good as relates to this topic. I suspect the soc’s are of different varieties/degrees. But with a particularly “bad” one, it wouldn’t surprise me if there weren’t psychic methods at play. I don’t know how you feel about the quality/nature of your soc, but you may know whether they are purposely hoping to do you harm or not.
i dated a woman who is absolutely a sociopath. after seeing her contradictions and her body language proved that she was lying, she started telling lies about everything, because she knew i could catch her body language. so, she then wanted to confuse me. example of this was like this..i asked her if she had a shower and she said no. i leaned over to smell her, and i said yes you did have a shower and she said yes i did. i said why lie over this? she had no answer she thought it was a fun thing to do she said. i realized that the woman was lying about small stuff so the big stuff in the body language would be hidden. anyway after actually doing some serious private investigating myself i found out it was worse than i thought. drugs or prostitution according to the gps and i had to get away from this person who claimed to be a new bible believing woman which was so far from the truth but it was the cover story that she was growing and would not be able to be perfect and had faults still. it was all lies all the time. thankfully i had some people give me hints about what was really going on and after 4 or 5 people ended up saying the same stuff about her it led me to do my own private detective work. anyway to make a long story short, i realized that this person really believed their own lies. i think her mind either splintered when it needed to avoid being caught or it just told itself to believe it as reality. she would say stuff like “this is my truth” she would not say it is the truth but she would say it is her truth. bazaar and more bazaar as time went on. her comments were so bazaar over time i knew i was dealing with a sociopath. when i was finally tired of trying to catch her and show her to her face i caught her then it was done. she would go into these bazaar long stories and i would finally say, you know i do not believe anything you are saying. this deflated her big time. when she finally saw i believed nothing she was saying then she knew it was done. she still tried to play some games to see if i would be duped back into her lies but it never worked once i saw through her for what she was. even to this day i think she wonders if i will believe her lies one more time enough to get back in the door. i wont but i know through the grapevine she thinks she can trick me once again. she will try again i have no doubt about it but it wont work.
Absolutely – all the characteristics are here, and it’s funny (or, I suppose, not so funny) to nod my head and think ‘yep, tick, tick, tick’.
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for around 12 months now. It started off lovely, we became very close very quickly, the sex was fantastic and life was pretty good. We loved each other. But then I noticed as a few months went by, she became more and more obsessively jealous about my friends who happen to be female. Old friends that I’d known for years, university friends, ones who were married and the like. Nothing wrong with a bit of jealousy – I’d always figured she was maybe lacking confidence in herself – and it’s completely normal to feel a bit threatened by personal relationships, but then it just turned into her downright accusing me of flirting and cheating with them – to the point of telling me that either I removed them out of my life or she would leave. I couldn’t ‘like’ a status or pic on Facebook without an inquisition.
Facebook is a massive thing to her. She’s accused me of ‘hiding’ things from her and going on the chat to talk to other women (none of it’s true). I was given a list of the female friends I have on there and asked to explain each of them. I’m 100% sure she’s hiding things from me – she seems to know about all the settings and things I’ve never even heard of before. If I go home straight after work (we don’t live together) she accuses me of seeing other women and demands to know which route home I’ve taken. Then the arguments – EVERYTHING is always my fault. She’s told me who I can and cannot talk to about our relationship, and she is never to blame for anything; when presented with the evidence she simply shouts ‘you’re not listening to me’ and says that I’m impossible to reason with when ‘I’m being like that’. We’ve broken up too many times to remember, but always get back together. Usually with more rules to tie me down. It’s perfectly fine for her to have male friends (who she says, are all gay) I’ve never met and spend time with them. Complete double standards.
It’s hard. I keep thinking ‘when she’s lovely, she’s really lovely’ and ‘I just need to be careful what I say and manage her’. I suppose I keep hoping that things will get better, but reading through similar stories on here, that doesn’t look to be the case.
That’s the hardest bit SimonB, you kind of want the lovely bit the whole time. When we are together it is great but the bits when we aren’t are what cause the most stress. Trust gets broken again and again, but you think maybe it is you, and your own thinking gets called into question even though you’ve always had common sense and level headed thinking. You know what you have to do. She keeps telling me I am too sensitive and I need to be less sensitive. Nice way to turn it around. If you always trusted your judgement you have to believe it, it is just that she has shattered that sure feeling I had. I did the whole MBTI (Briggs Myer test) test last month and I got ENFJ (the teacher) and she came out with EFSP (The party animal) with 88% feeling. Most traits of the EFSP are what people have talked about here about sociopaths. Strange, or maybe not!
Absolutely, Dave – I’ve had perfectly fine, normal and happy relationships in the past – but with this one, I did start questioning myself. I’ve asked friends and family about it and they’ve all said it just sounds crazy. Whenever I meet up with friends they ask ‘what’s the latest installment of goings-on’? And then can’t believe that I’m still with her. I recently had a death in the family, and she accused me of ‘using that against her’. It’s insane.
I have recently just fully realized that I have dated a sociopath for the least 6 years.. I’m glad to see, although it’s unfortunate to see, that others have been down the same road.. I began researching behavior disorders, and the woman I have been dating on and off for 6 years fits 2 categories to the T: histrionic personality disorder and a sociopath. A little background of myself – I had gone through a rough divorce and had actually started seeing this woman before my divorce was official. I have a 9 year old daughter. She has 3 kids – two boys from the same father and an older girl from a guy she had dated in college (he was never a part of her daughter’s life). She is a very petite and very sexy woman – you would never know she had three kids. From the beginning, the sex was phenomenal. She has a very very high sex drive and that part of our relationship was awesome. Throughout the 6 years I have known her, she has moved 5 times. She has had probably 6 or 7 jobs.. I am a teacher and have lived in the same spot and have had the same job throughout. She was new to the area and moved here to be closer to her parents. Our relationship started out great. We got along great and just like others have posted, I had thought I had found my soul-mate. We moved rather quickly, and I ended up spending a lot of nights at her house. It didn’t take long for her to state that she wasn’t going to date forever, and that we should get engaged, married, and be one big happy family. It was during this time, however and luckily I guess, that I began to see that our parenting styles varied. Quite frankly, I didn’t like how she handled things at home… and with me having a daughter, it wasn’t going to work. I would bring up certain parenting issues, and she would have no part of constructive criticism at all – and moreover, she would fire back at me at things that she thought I did wrong.. I could go on with individual examples all day long, but I wont do that. This one is important, however, as I read that stealing is a sign of being a sociopath also. I had an ear infection and had gone to the doc and got some prescription meds.. I am a bad pill taker and had forgotten to take them for a couple of days. When I did went to take, they were gone. Not only were the pills gone, but a $100 bill was taken off of the counter as well. So that got me thinking to look in my safe, and low and behold two diamond rings which belonged to my grandmother that were going to my daughter one day, several very expensive coins, my dad’s fraternity pin, my camera, and a journal that I had been writing in to give to my daughter one day, were also gone. I filed a police report, and although never proven, the investigator said he is/was 99% sure it was her who took my stuff. We were not dating at the time – one of our many ‘off’ periods. It was all stuff that was personal to me. My ex wife, who we are friends by this time, voluntarily talked to the investigator and cleared her name completely. My sociopathic gf, however, never cooperated and never spoke with the investigator – red flag. All told, the $ amount of the items stolen was over $18,000. She manipulates every situation. She twists everything around where most everything would be my fault in the end. She dresses very inappropriately, she can be very ‘naughty’ so to speak, and she definitely uses that to her advantage. She has created over and over scenarios where she is going to end up the poor little victim. Always. Since she is so petite and pretty, it is easy for her to con people into seeing things her way. She knows what to say and how to say it. Most people who meet her will like her initially. She does not have close friends from her past at all. In 6 yrs, I have never met anyone from her past, and I have never heard her talk about any of them. She has gone through friends since I’ve known her – several. My friends and co-workers have seen this behavior and have warned me and told me etc… I always gave her the benefit of the doubt – and the sex, I guess, would lure me back in. She has cheated, she has lied, she has manipulated, and she has stolen from me. This came to an end for sure a couple weeks before Christmas this year. We had gone out on a Friday night and had a great night. Although we did not have sex that night, she kissed me and told me she loved me over and over. The next night, after we had been texting all day, she went out with some ‘new friends’ she had just met not long before (new friends that she can manipulate and play the victim to). I showed up where she was without being invited – which was weird all in itself – and she acted as though she didn’t want me there at all. She was obviously there to see somebody else. So of course I was furious and then it became all about me getting upset rather than what she had done in the 1st place. I got no explanation, no apology, no nothing.. what I did get was my phone being blocked and my fb acct blocked – I guess so I could quit asking how she could go from Friday night telling me she loved me etc… to what happened Saturday night. Anyway, so here I am now. I’ve read the answers to how to ‘get over’ this and move on and not seeing her is the answer. Unfortunately I coach high school soccer, and her son plays on my team and her daughter plays on the HS girls team. Hard to escape her. She flaunts her figure when she picks up her kids and does whatever it takes to get a reaction from me. What’s more is that the only reason her kids even play soccer is because of me – I encouraged each of them to play early on in our relationship.. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I’m glad I found this site – as I will continue to read more. Thanks..
Hi Ted welcome to the site. You might also be interested in a recent post from a male victim that I posted.
I find this post interesting. What you have experienced with the stealing when the relationship was ‘over’ was what I also experienced many times over. I think It is similar to a psychopath that takes a trophy from its victim (like a piece of jewellery). I also think it is the sociopaths way of saying to you that they knew it was there they could have taken it when with you but didn’t. Well now it’s over, they have no conscience and will take it. They owe you nothing. In fact in their mind you owe them
They like to hurt ruin and destroy once it’s over. Taking something like this is perfect as they literally take a piece of you that can never be replaced (this happened to me too).
It is then that you realise just how sick they are. I think you are on the right tracks with regards to sociopathy as the biggest sign is no conscience. No guilt no remorse and no shame. She will never admit to the lie. Protecting the lie is more important than anything.
Am sorry you have been through this. I know how much it hurts 😦 even today every time I think of those stolen possessions I feel angry and sad about it. It was things that could never be replaced this is what the sociopath does they steal you. When they can’t have you they steal personal things belonging to you. Sick huh? 😦
Thanks for responding.. yes she has stolen not only personal possessions that cannot be replaced, she has definitely stolen some of ‘me’. I have met someone else, and we obviously are in the very beginning stages of a relationship maybe, but I’m not sure how to move forward exactly. This woman is, from what I see and from what others have said, the exact opposite of spath. The problem is, I apparently was very much attracted to parts of the spath that obviously kept me lured into her ongoing traps and games.. I’m not sure how to process that and move on at this point.
I’ve continued reading other blogs and posts and articles concerning sociopathy. What I’m trying to figure out more than anything now is why I let myself fall into this ‘victim of sociopathy’ category in the 1st place. I consider myself, and others do too, a very logical, rational, understanding, and reasonable person. After all, I teach middle school kids, and I have to have all of those qualities to survive on a daily basis! LOL! On probably a hundred occasions, if not more, I would come to work after spath and I would have an argument or a disagreement about something, and I would talk the issue over with my co-workers (3 women who I’ve worked with for 9 yrs – all married and we are very close). I never put spin on it, as I wanted honest feedback. If they ever thought I was out of line, they would certainly tell me. Spath would get so mad at me for doing this, for she thought our issues would have to stay between us. I get that to a certain point. What I wanted was clarification, validation, and mostly a different perspective. Spath did not have friends close enough to do this… I would tell her I thought it might do her good because it would show that she was not being ‘right’… Most of these instances were times when I thought she was doing something inappropriate or disrespectful to me – which she was 99% of the time. Things that she did were not the normal acceptable things that normal people do in normal relationships! And the funny thing is, she always found a way to twist and turn and manipulate the scenario to where I would give her the benefit of the doubt. The make-up sex was always phenomenal and the promises were flying again and we’d start back at square one until she decided to something inappropriate or disrespectful again…the cycle. And no, she never had any remorse, any shame, any conscience, and certainly no empathy. Ever.
It’s still crazy for me to think that over the course of 6 yrs and her wanting to marry me over and over – and getting mad at me for not marrying her, that she could literally flip a switch and go from loving me and wanting to marry me and I’m all that – to not wanting to have anything to do with me, not loving me, and even seeing other people. It wouldn’t even bother her if we were to be in the same restaurant but not be together. This has happened a few times. It doesn’t bother her one bit. I find that nuts. It bothers me – I don’t want to be there. Like I’ve said before, I coach her son on the hs soccer team, and it doesn’t bother her at all to see me there when she picks him up from practice.. I would think ‘normal’ would be her doing what she could to stay away (like having he and his sister a ride home after practice) if nothing more than she knows it makes me uncomfortable.. but like you said her objective now is to destroy me, and I see that…
All this is baffling to me.. I could tell soooooo many different stories and maybe I will in bits and pieces. It would do me good I think to share and maybe somebody reading can relate and be helped out! Thanks for reading….. more later
If she is a sociopath you can never be sure what exactly is real. The sociopath will mirror you and be whoever you want them to be. … It is only afterwards that you discover who they truly are. Really Todd she stole things that can never be replaced she won’t give them back as she has no conscience. The truth is that if she has no conscience she is literally capable of anything at any time.
I too have been duped by a female sociopath. I have always kept women at a distance (trust/commitment issue) and it was like she immediately picked up on how gratifying it would be for her if she could “cure” me.
She is 36, seven years older than me, and she immediately began pressuring me towards a serious relationship due to wanting children. She was amazingly beautiful, knew just what to say, and I found myself for the 1st time in my life actually daydreaming about spending my life together with someone in the most meaningful of ways. Others mentioned gifts, etc., she was very generous and thoughtful on the surface, yet there were flags I chose not to see such as she was very OCD and judgmental. I eventually would find out she was on 6-7 dating sites and maintaining active romantic conversations with 4-5 guys at a time, even though we were physically together 4-5 days a week. THe first time I dumped her after she had a crazy episode, she called me 30 times a day for almost 6 months. Did I mention I am a police officer? Yet I was foolish enough to take her back because she played up the role of the victim and was so convincing I started to believe I hadn’t given her a fair chance.
Long story short, we dated casually and I eventually found myself again ready to commit, only to have her tell me she had a boyfriend who she met before I was willing to be official (she is a master of blaming others). She chose him over me, yet was still telling me that she was in love with me and it was only because I broke her heart that she was with this guy and she had to play it out before giving me a second chance. I can’t stress this enough, I am a professional BULLSHIT detector, I spend all day watching body language for cues of deception. THIS WOMAN IS THE MOST CONVINCING LIAR I HAVE EVER SEEN. She was able to repeatedly get me to give her chance after chance because she identified my fatal flaw that I have always pushed women away only because I so desperately craved a true love connection, and I was scared I’d get hurt. Well mission accomplished. I don’t even feel like I’m competent enough to do my job anymore.
I wrote her a 3 page love letter that is probably the only time I have ever let anyone see the inside of my soul, and foolishly we tried to put the past behind us and make it work. Even now I think she is perfect for me, that’s how convincing these sociopaths can be. Well our last chance ended with her inviting me out to meet her friends on her birthday, I was roped into buying her $118 dinner, gave her a pair of Tiffany earrings, then she went out to the club with her friends while I went home to sleep due to an early shift. I knew she’d be drunk so I got up in the middle of the night to go pick her up and walked into the club to find her making out with a “friend” who had come by our dinner table earlier to wish her a happy birthday. And yes, she was wearing my earrings. She to this day claims that I did not see her kiss anyone and she has painted me as a crazy, obsessive, controlling monster, which she easily convinces people of because of the stigma of police officers.
If anyone else has had something like this happen I wish you well. It’s pretty fresh, so at this point I can’t see myself ever trusting anyone enough to risk this type of pain again. Im trying to realize this quote: “The magic is within you. No need to protect yourself from being duped again; because someone else’s dishonesty is ALWAYS about them, not you. Have gratitude for the life system that gave you the opportunity to see this person’s limitations so you can evaluate their appropriateness in your life..”
I’m just not there yet. Maybe someday.
I sympathize. I pride myself in being an accurate judge of people, yet lie after lie after lie I, too, would take her back. The best identifier of a sociopath is her lack of conscience because her only evaluation of success is did she get want she wants regardless of the wasteland of hurt souls she leaves behind.
In response to the question “Do you agree with this?”… there are some correct assessments in your blog, however it’s only part of the picture *and* it is incorrect to assume money is the primary concern for female sociopaths. In fact, a female sociopath can very well not care about money because money is not her problem. Think rather in terms of using her charms to obtain a variety of things such as guilt-free self-indulgence, ready outlets for her narcissism, aggrandized sense of self through feeling all-powerful over men in particular (if heterosexual).
For instance, I’ve known a female sociopath, keeping me and other men simultaneously thinking we were exclusive, spend money like there was no tomorrow, including on her men, but her “thing” was wielding her power over us and playing “chicken” with which one of us would be willing to pick up the inevitable collapse of her finances. Having ‘backup men’ was her ultimate thrill.
Yes …. But you were still spending money like there was no tomorrow!! If she didn’t want this she wouldn’t have allowed this!!
No… SHE was spending money like there was no tomorrow, on me and other men (granted, to my knowledge, mostly on me). I told her…”I don’t need a $6,000 4 day trip to Vegas and you (her) really can’t reasonably afford it!” Of course, I had to accompany her there to satisfy her. The first morning after arrival there, I booked a plane back home, alone, because of her cheating ways. Later, I learned she had booked a flight for another boyfriend she had been cheating on me with (that’s why I left) that same morning, and he arrived that same afternoon, taking off work instantly!
See, for her, it was all about assessing her powers over men, not the money. btw, she has a degree in Psychology.
I thank you for writing this article, however, I do take one issue with what was said in regards to all sociopaths have a high sex drive. I believe this to be in error, not all sociopaths do have a sex drive. Some act as if they do but are actually asexual (having no sexual orientation) and are aromantic (meaning no romantic feelings / arousal), everything to them is an act and they play that role to a hilt. In other words, they can appears to be highly sexualized but it’s just a tool in their arsenal to get what they want, when they want, however they want it, let alone, to what extent possible. We already know the, “why” they want it, it’s nothing more than manipulation and control.
Granted, it’s true some do have a high sex drive but you simply can’t use a one size fits all in the regard to sociopathy, let alone psychopathy.
Psychopaths can be A sexual, I agree.
I agree, In college I read a lot about sociopaths due to my major, mostly about males and crimes. Didn’t read much about female sociopaths until I was in relationship with one, which ended horribly.
I agree, I read a lot about sociopaths in college due to my major. Never thought I would fall victim to a female one, until it was too late.
My 20 year old son involved with what may be a sociopath. The main thing we see is compulsive lieing, to the point where it seems even she believes her lies. She is also in constant crisis and in need of him to savd her. He has dropped out of school and moved away to be with her. We do not support him financially but always call and visit. He hs become increasingly isolated as well.
I am sick with worry about his future. I have exposed most of her lies but he keeps on making exc for her. I do not know what to do except keep the lines of communication open. When we see each other or talk he keeps the conversation neutral and refuses to answer basic questions that involve her.
Any advice is appreciated!
It is difficult to know, just by lying. Lots of personality types also lie (it can be common in BPD and those types can be very needy too) only with that group their neediness is genuine. With sociopaths it is faked.