At the beginning of every relationship, there are dreams. Before you meet the person, you have a dream of your ideal person, what they will look like, what things you would like to do with your ideal partner. You dream of stability, a happy family life.
In a normal healthy relationship, you talk together about your future plans and dreams. In the beginning everybody is on their best behaviour. Between 6 and 12 weeks, your true self starts to be shown. The average relationship lasts between 6 to 12 weeks. Usually by 12 weeks, you discover whether you are compatible, in your needs, your wants and plans for the future. Also how fast you want these things to happen.
Sometimes you discover that actually you didn’t have as much in common as you previously thought. Maybe there are something’s which you cannot compromise. If things are compatible, then the relationship continues to a long term relationship. If you decide that you are too different, or want different things, or maybe even at different times, then you decide to split and go your separate ways.
In the relationship with the Sociopath, things are not like this. From the very beginning you are being manipulated, and conned. You will not be aware of it. The Sociopath is mirroring the early start of a relationship, where you are both on your best behaviour. So, for you, in the very beginning, everything is just as it should be. After all, everybody puts on their very best behaviour in the very early weeks.
Whereas in a normal healthy relationship, those first few weeks, are spent talking about your past, your current situation, and discussing hopes and plans for the future. Both are being honest, and you know that the relationship can go either way, and you won’t know until you have got further into the relationship. It’s an exciting time, learning about each other.
In a Sociopath relationship, something very different is happening. You are being open and honest, and talking about things that you want. You discuss what is happening currently in your life, what happened in the past, what you don’t want again, and what your hopes and dreams for the future are. The Sociopath however, is listening earnestly to what you say, assessing, deciding whether (if you tell him that you have the source of supply that he is looking for) he plans to move the relationship further, and to seduce you.
When the Sociopath is in seducing mode, he comes on very strong, even his body language is in very heavy seducing mode. There is a lack of respect for your personal space. You, the victim take this as a compliment. You tell yourself that this person must REALLY like me! You are flattered, that he has made his decision about you so swiftly. Then it goes further, the Sociopath will then mirror you, and start to sell you dreams for the future.
By actively listening to you, he is now in a position to be able to manipulate you, with the information that you gave him. He is therefore able to sell you back exactly what you have been looking for. It feels almost too good to be true. Not only is the man that you have been waiting to meet all of your life, in front of you, being everything that you wanted him to be, but also, he seems to be very keen on you!
But of course, you still do not know whether this will fizzle out, after all the average relationship lasts around 6-12 weeks, so you know, that things could go wrong at any time. So you keep your cool, and are reserved, although you have to admit that you are now being swept off your feet. This is moving so fast, and feels a whirlwind romance.
Time passes, and as you are heading past the 6 weeks and moving towards the 12 weeks you start to relax, this feels real. This feels like the romance of a lifetime. It won’t occur to you that everything that you are being told is a lie and that you are being manipulated.
Why it is difficult to get over the sociopath relationship – and how your mind can play tricks!
The sociopath continues to sell you your dreams, and you start to feel that you are living in a fairy tale. Sure there were things that seemed slightly off key, or not right, but you put those thoughts to the back of your mind. This feels too good. We want to hold onto that ‘feel good feeling’. You feel so happy.
Now you are falling in love, with not only the sociopath. But also YOUR OWN DREAMS!!! The sociopath armed with charisma, is able to sell you what it is that you truly want and desire.
But the sad fact is that these are just words. The words have no bearing on reality, or what the sociopath actually has to offer you. They are just words designed to seduce you.
The relationship moves forward and starts to become more serious after 12 weeks. Many sociopaths however are keen for the dating process to be over as swiftly as possible and some may offer to marry you within a very short space of time, or at least get engaged. They don’t want you to get cold feet and change your mind. After all, it is quite hard work playing Mr nice guy and selling you your dreams all of the time. For those that do not get married, it is highly likely that marriage or engagement will be discussed.
You are being offered and sold
- Love
- Security
- A long term future
- A happy stable relationship
- With someone who is just like you
- Who thinks like you
- Who has what you want
- Most importantly who is offering your dreams
The importance of dreams and why the abuse of your dreams can be psychologically damaging
However our life has been, we all have dreams. As a child we have dreams. Many things shape and create our dreams in life:
- Our sense of morality
- How we have been raised
- What we have seen and witnessed in childhood
- Influence of friends/family and those close to us
- What we perceive as ‘perfection’ or our ‘ideal’
- Our expectations of what we think is of value, or what we think we are truly worth
All of these influences shape us, and are a vehicle for our dreams. We carry these dreams in our heart and one day we hope to fulfil them.
The sociopath is, as we have already established:
- Without empathy
- Is selfish
- Does not experience remorse, guilt or shame
- Has a lack of life plan or long term goals
- Is very opportunistic
The Sociopath will then sell back to you your dreams. Before you met the Sociopath, you were patiently going through life. Your dreams were still intact and a part of you. You didn’t know if your dreams would ever happen, but they were the light that kept you going and gave you hope for the future. If a relationship ended, you could ration and reason, that it was because the person was not right for you. You could tell yourself, that it was the wrong person. You wanted different things. You thought differently, lots of reasons. You part company – but your dreams remain intact, you have hope for the future.
This Sociopath trick is akin to emotional rape. By selling you your dreams, he is deliberately abusing you. This, can cause long term psychological damage
Why can it cause psychological damage?
When you have given someone else your dreams, your hopes, your dreams for the future, this is given with trust. You do not expect to meet somebody who is just like you, and certainly not somebody who will deliberately manipulate you, with the very things that you hold close to your heart. The Sociopath presents back to you, those dreams, as (false) plans for the future. This could be anything, but more likely it will be a number of things
- Stable relationship
- Marriage and children
- Finances
- To travel the world
- Music the arts
- Meeting ‘the one’
- Financial security
These are a examples, but it could be one of a number of things, whatever YOUR dreams are. Often it has been a process of very painful learning to know what you want. Sometimes those dreams have been a part of you, for a very long time and are part of the fabric of, or the essence of the inner you.
It can be hard to let go of your dreams, when you have carried them for a lifetime. You have given your dreams to the Sociopath, who sold those dreams back to you, as promises for the future. Your dreams now seem tarnished.
After the break up, you are left feeling confused. Your mind feels in a fog. This person seemed so ‘right’ and now everything is going wrong. Also, and additionally BECAUSE this relationship seemed so right and so perfect –
- You gave more than you otherwise would
- You shared more than you otherwise would
- You gave away your heart and soul
THERE IS NOW EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT
Many victims (me included) say how because this relationship felt ‘so’ right, that they gave everything that they had to this person. How often they shared more than they had, leaving them in debt. Many found that they were paying (so say temporarily) until the Sociopath found his feet. You didn’t mind too much, after all, soon he would be financially stable, as he told you, and he would pay you back. You are a team, and you think that this is going to work long term.
It is only further down the road of the relationship that you realise that everything that the Sociopath says is just ‘words’…. but these words were your dreams. You gave your dreams away to the Sociopath. They are the dreams that have lay always deep within your heart.
Now that the relationship is over. There is silence. You remember the dreams that lay in your heart that always gave you hope, but – your dreams are now attached to the Sociopath. The Sociopath has played a mirror image of you, and you feel that you have lost a part of you.
THIS is why it is so difficult to get over the relationship with the Sociopath. He has used your dreams to manipulate and abuse you. And it is our dreams in life that create ambition. It is our dreams that give us hope. It is our dreams that keep us going, and motivate us. Without them, we can feel empty inside.
You can feel like the Sociopath has stolen a part of you. When you think of your dreams, you think of the Sociopath, he is now linked to the most inner part of you.
You now start to go through the 5 stages of grief and the healing process. But often, you will think of those dreams, and you will feel sad. Or you might feel anger. However you feel, the experience with the Sociopath will affect you deeply, and it does have the potential to be long term psychologically damaging.
To avoid long term psychological damage you need to
- Talk – access counselling or therapy if you need to. Or talk to someone that you trust
- Realise that your dreams, were your dreams before you met the Sociopath and they are still your dreams today.
- That the relationship that you had with the Sociopath was FAKE you haven’t yet experienced the real thing, with someone who is truly compatible with you
- That the Sociopath was ONLY a mirror image of you
- You can never lose what you did not have in the first place
- You still have you, and you still have those dreams
- Take some time to find you again. To heal and recover
- Catch up with OLD friends, family, old interests, this will help you to recover your dreams.
- Remember that when you feel this way, sometimes you need to go backwards before you can move forwards
If that nagging thought comes into your head that you have lost you, or lost a part of yourself. Pull back, and look at this again. Nobody can ever steal you. You are whole and complete and just perfect as you, to recover that part of you, you need to go back over old ground to remember where your dreams came from, to remember once again who you are!
Love yourself, you’re worth it!!
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
Build up.
Build up what?
From rubbles.
Nothing is ever in rubbles. For we are whole and intact. It is just an illusion of the mind to think otherwise! 🙂
How do you get over the feelings of not being good enough and being the messed up one they continued to tell you that you were? Mine told me I was a slut and a whore with a personality disorder. I know this is projection but it still is emotionally damaging especially since they make you feel so badly about yourself you start to believe them
Funny that I was also told I was a slut and a whore with mental issues. Truth is he is …
Reblogged this on Narcissist Sinners like my Sinner-in-law.
Thank you for your article. It is so very true… you are right… Funny, what a coincidence, that picture of the angel… my ex sociopath took a pic of me touching the hand of such angel on one graveyard in around Boston some years ago… and when you say that we gave our hearts and souls… Some years ago I sent my ex sociopath boyfriend email with a link on a you tube song Your my heart your my soul… with rose icon etc:) … years after I found out that he forwarded that email to his sister mocking about it. I was shocked when I saw that, couldn’t believe my eyes.I was so clueless…. you are so right about this connection with our dreams, the damage… it is SO hard…:(
It has been two years now ,that he finally was so awful to me that he just couldn’t go on anymore in our relationship. I was so caught up in him that I lost sight of all my dreams and just became someone on the defense all the time. We started couples therapy together and he would just blow up and make all kinds of excuses why I was so f’d up. He was about to be exposed by the therapist and got out. He is with a new victim now, they are the new amazing couple, it’s all over face book.
I am still feeling angry and didn’t know why and I feel like something is missing. After reading this I realized that it is my dreams of a happy healthy relationship that has been missing (stolen) from me. That dream of a kind man in my life to grow old with. That is all I wanted.
Thanks for reminding me that his new relationship will end up just as mine did. Now I can only hope that she figures it out and has the strength to get out while she still has her dreams!
I will rebuild!
Thanks
Thank you too JLB!!
You are right, things will be wonderful with her – until his starts with his farcical self (which you know he will do) do NOT feel jealous of the new relationship. Honestly REALLY there is NOTHING to feel jealous of.
You are FREE…. whilst she is JUST going into the lions den, only to be spit out later when he needs new source for supply!!
What you just wrote sounds like what I could have written exactly. He made sure he quickly married the next one so she couldn’t escape.
It’s true. The sociopath isn’t going to be any different with someone else, because it’s what’s inside of them that they carry, that’s the problem. Mine called me the slu t whore names and told me he KNEW he was going to make some woman so happy because he felt he had evolved. Fast forward four years and I ran into him and he was a total crack head and tried to pick up on me, until he realized it was me and not some random woman. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days and seemed crazy to the point of scary. I on the other hand am doing great, but no thanks to him. Anyway, while a regular person might excel in a new relationship because it’s the right match, a disordered person wont. It’s only a matter of time. You will have better luck.
Your reply gives me hope that it will get better for me and further makes me determined to get my dreams back because they are mine. My sociopath has a new love and that’s all I hear about that and how much he talks so bad about me but I try not to let it get to me. I really feel bad for whoever he crosses path with next. This is a horrible thing to go through. Thanks for your encouraging words lets me know to keep on fighting I will get back to myself!!!
You know he is just ruining someone elses life.. happy new year katrina
So insightful, thank you for posting, my favourite sentence, and the one I will think of this week is; “You can never lose what you did not have in the first place”
This is true. My ex used to say this to me. ‘You never had me anyway – I had you’……
Yes. Nice man. 😉
Help me find a way out somebody
Hi emma how can i help?
“You can not loose what you did not have in the first place”. This is so true I have been with an alcoholic sociopath he has been so horrible to me. Words can’t describe. We were together for 6 years. I tried to break up many times. At times he was very good at expressing love. What I thought was love. He is so addicted to women God knows what he says to them all. Between his emotional affairs which I can’t count also cheated sexually with his ex that has damaged me so bad. His anger lying and manipulation has just gotten out of control. I have finally broken it off. He is continually before the big break up trying to find or talking to another woman. As of now I came to this site because I know I have to go through a grieving process. I do feel so emotionally raped although I know who and what he is. Through the years he had an affair with his ex wife several times. And I found out he continually talked to her. So no I can not loose what I did not have in the first place. One thing about him is he Always Says I just want to be loved I need love. He does not know what love is. I gave him my all iam a very loyal person and I don’t give up. The last year I just could not stand the things he did anymore it was sickening. I wanted to distance myself. I knew I had to leave him. I just feel sick inside I just want to go through the grieving process and be who I once was
“You can not loose what you did not have in the first place”. This is so true I have been with an alcoholic sociopath he has been so horrible to me. Words can’t describe. We were together for 6 years. I tried to break up many times. At times he was very good at expressing love. What I thought was love. He is so addicted to women God knows what he says to them all. Between his emotional affairs which I can’t count also cheated sexually with his ex that has damaged me so bad. His anger lying and manipulation has just gotten out of control. I have finally broken it off. He is continually before the big break up trying to find or talking to another woman. As of now I came to this site because I know I have to go through a grieving process. I do feel so emotionally raped although I know who and what he is. Through the years he had an affair with his ex wife several times. And I found out he continually talked to her. So no I can not loose what I did not have in the first place. One thing about him is he Always Says I just want to be loved I need love. He does not know what love is. I gave him my all iam a very loyal person and I don’t give up. The last year I just could not stand the things he did anymore it was sickening. I wanted to distance myself. I knew I had to leave him. I just feel sick inside I just want to go through the grieving process and be who I once was I’m so glad I found this site I live alone with my two children I’m 45 and no family members around. Which makes things more depressing
Thank you for sharing this!! I have been told for years (we have been divorced for 2 years and off and on since 2009) that it never worked because it was my fault..I had a near death experience, was care lifted, in ICU, traumatic brain injury, coma..then not even a month after being released for rehabilitation (he refused to take me to) beat me in the head and said no one cared that I even survived my accident and if I told anyone he would leave me for dead..I have lost my friends, my family and I are no longer close because I no longer have dreams. Together we have a 4 year old and he gets her for visitation every other weekend, so I have to continuosly see him when he gets our daughter. He is always bragging how his new woman..his best friend and him never fight, he can tell her anything..how they have such a great relationship…BUT I have NO one..I sit inside my house and the computer is the only socialization I have..I feel very down graded. I have no dreams and I just am so angry because I dont understand how he can be so happy?? I was the good person in this relationship..he wasnt..he never paid a bill..I was the only one who worked..I even paid for our wedding..BUT I am alone..all my dreams are gone..so again!! THANK YOU for writing this and helping me feel like I am not all alone!! Thank you..
Aw Karrie, I want to send you a hug. No you are not alone. My daughter died at full term pregnancy. I was left so massively traumatised. Her father kicked me in the back and then left days after leaving the hospital. I then spent 3 years with cognitive processing in my brain not working properly. Then met two psychos after him!! – during that time I lost my life too. I have a facebook support group https://www.facebook.com/groups/107915642744016/ please join us
HUGS!!! HUGS!!! I am so thrilled you even replied..THANK YOU!!! I will definitely join your group!!
🙂
Hugs not drugs . Lol remember ladies : There are 3 sides to every story . His side, your side and the truth .
Im sorry..I forgot to include the fact that he never took me for rehab because I was faking it and my accident was not that serious..but I was care-lifted, in ICU..ect..and he said I faked it..he likes to tell everyone and had me believing that the reason he couldn’t give me my dreams because I was the crazy one…and even now he tells people it was all my fault and I was at one point even embarrassed to go outside to check my mail (wouldn’t shower but maybe once a week, would stay in my PJ’s day after day, lost my job, but before we started dating I was actually trying to model for women my age, who was tone from lifting weights and healthy lifestyle..so I went from one extreme to the complete opposite)…I am MUCH better than that now…but I still have BAD effects, no social life, no self-esteem…so I still suffer and his abuse is continuous…please keep sharing, you have been a great help..!!!
I can really empathise with you. I went through similar with the first guy after my daughter died. It was hell. And worse was that I was (as I am sure you were) so vulnerable. I couldn’t defend myself. He also told people that i was crazy (I wasn’t I was traumatised and grieving), it was hell. I can relate to where you are. I promise, that I have came out the other side, stronger and wiser. I know someone who had cancer and her husband told everyone she didn’t and that she was faking it. The lengths that some of these people go to is so low that it sickens me, and my heart sinks for humanity 😦
I’ve dated a Sociopath for 11 years father if my 2 children & a Sociopath “stalker for 5 years! He has a 5 year restraining order against him. But that doesn’t stop nor does the law by me thy are corrupt & side with him! I have no family for support !I’ve Ben severely traumatized my life thus far @ 43 .I met someone online & for 7months only talking on line but I’ve become attached to him & my fear once again he may be bad! Being alone & getting thru life alone! I just can’t tell. I see signs red flags! Bt I’m either paranoid or I’m ignoring them! Any suggestions, greatly appreciated
LISA! Oh my Gosh. I am in the exact boat you were. I too have no family, no support and no where to go. For me, I have no real friends that I can trust. They all just tell me what I want to hear which has gotten me absolutely NO WHERE but in the arms of the sociopath for whom I hate on a whole nother level and am TIRED of living angry everyday trying to accept that this is what it is. he will never be different or a decent human being no matyer wat i do or say. I WANT OUT! I feel so lost in this world. I’m a good person. I make and have made some really foolish mistakes but I learn from them… well all but this one. I’ve never been treated this way… like I’m not even human. And to top it off he is Hispanic. (and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR POINTING THAT OUT BUT I’VE SEEN TOO MANY FRIENDS and MY OWN DAUGHTER get treated the same way. I’m just glad she’s finally free of him my past relationships have always been pretty healthy. So I didn’t teach or show her that it is in any w acceptable to be treated any less than how she would want to be treated). My first and LAST one though! His heritage just doesn’t mesh with mine… forget the sociopath part for a second. Anyways, I’m rambling or venting rather but it feels good to get it off my chest.
So, if you or anyone has any additional advice, ideas ect. Please share. Thanks for letting me vent. Lisa, and every good girl who has been or in the middle of being blindsided by a sociopath… I hope all is well and LISA! Oh my Gosh. I am in the exact boat you were. I too have no family, no support and no where to go. For me, I have no real friends that I can trust. They all just tell me what I want to hear which has gotten me absolutely NO WHERE but in the arms of the sociopath for whom I hate on a whole nother level and am TIRED of living angry everyday trying to accept that this is what it is. he will never be different or a decent human being no matyer wat i do or say. I WANT OUT! I feel so lost in this world. I’m a good person. I make and have made some really foolish mistakes but I learn from them… well all but this one. I’ve never been treated this way… like I’m not even human. And to top it off he is Hispanic. (and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR POINTING THAT OUT BUT I’VE SEEN TOO MANY FRIENDS and MY OWN DAUGHTER get treated the same way. I’m just glad she’s finally free of him my past relationships have always been pretty healthy. So I didn’t teach or show her that it is in any w acceptable to be treated any less than how she would want to be treated). My first and LAST one though! Our heritages clash if you know what I mean.
Lisa, I hope whatever decision you made with the Internet guy that has brought you a little happiness that we all deserve.
WOW I feel sooooo stupid. I just got a new phone and am learning all the ropes… and just hit the clipboard icon after selecting it all to copy and paste.
So, sorry about the redundant novel. How embarrassing!
As a bloke, and a man who loves his wife of 34 years so very much, I feel so sad for ladies who have been abused like this. I so hope the man you want and deserve comes along and gives you the desires of your heart.
That is lovely of you to say Kevin. Thank you!! 🙂
This made me smile on a terrible day & your post is 3 years old!… 🙂
BRAVO!!
This article really spoke to me. I married my 2nd narc back in October thinking the relationship was finally my dreams come true. First narc I was married to for 22 years and I almost went to the mental hospital because of him. After the marriage to the 2nd narc, it only took 3 months for the tide to change and I saw that he would treat me like crap, just like the first. After 6 months and him saying the same exact words that the first told me “Everything has been all your fault”, I told him to get out of my house. After some hurtful texts he sent me over the next several months, he is trying to be “the good Christian guy” and sending me mother’s day card and today I got a birthday card from him. My mind begins to get so confused and I of course still have dreams deep in my heart that just maybe he is now sincere. But I know my heart would never trust him again. We never even consummated our marriage. I was afraid that was because of ME! But I remembered that there was something I told him and I now believe he used that as part of the whole plan. People that have not met a narc face to face simply do not understand!!! I only have a couple of friends and my family is so small. It is so hard to even think about what tomorrow holds.
I am sorry to hear that you have been through this twice Susan. I know it is hard to understand why you could deserve this, not just once but twice in your life 😦 and you don’t. It happened to me, more than once. The lesson I learned was to ensure that I was fully recovered before dating again. They seem to be able to smell vulnerability a mile off.
Don’t buy it though, those images in your head, of the fairytale that you were sold that never happened. It never will!!! You know this in your heart. I am sorry that you are hurting, but it won’t change. You cannot change him, but you can change you!!!
Thank you for your reply. I have been reading through some of your other posts and they are more right on than anything else I have read. I know that I must love myself and find myself again and learn from all of this so that I never ever have to go through this pain again. I wish there was a Co dependent anonymous group here, but there isn’t. It is really hard for me to grasp the “love myself” part because of being a Christian from an early age. I am 52 and when I was growing up in school and church, we were taught about putting God first and then others and love your neighbor as yourself. I just have always felt that loving yourself is selfish and egotistical.
thanks again!
Here is a link to a co-dependency group http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Codependency/support-group
No, loving yourself is not selfish or egotistical. I used to think that too. But it is not true.
By loving yourself, you become whole, you radiate light, love and positivity, which radiates that light onto others.
Being whole, and happy, you are then in a position to love others, i say this from 27 years working with homeless people. I always did the best work when I loved myself.
If you place all of your emotions into someone else, what do you have left if that person does not give back to you? Or if that person lets you down? There is no reserve left to take care of you. If you put all of your love and energy into one person – only that one person gets your energy. If you put your love and energy into you – everyone around you benefits from that love.
Thank you so much. I really needed all of this and your articles this evening after I received that card in the mail this afternoon. I have not responded to his texts or anything since April 26 and I almost sent him a text this evening, thinking just maybe he did miss me and realize what all he had done and that maybe I over reacted. But I found this through FB and it jerked me back to reality. I needed that!
Well maybe you were meant to find me. Try daily strength,. they have some fantastic support forums there, read what I write here. I write a lot about healing and recovery, and if you read the comments here you will see that you are not alone there are more victims than predators….. there are so many of us. I can highly recommend daily strength support forums. I haven’t used co-dependency one, but I have for other support groups.
Getting support from others —WILL be better than going to him for support, he will only knock you down further, and you deserve so much better than that! You are still young and have the rest of your life – you could only be halfway through might as well be happy!! 🙂
Yes, I know coming here is what I needed today and I have already put this in my Favs to come back to again and again. And I went to daily strength and signed up! I have one fantastic friend who is really helping me and going to Alanon as the steps are all the same for those groups including Co Dependent Anonymous. Thanks for all the comments, your words are healing to me. Yes, this is the first day of the rest of my life!
It is indeed!!! And just
1. Take it one day at a time. Stay with the present today. It is all you have control over. You cannot change the past, the future hasn’t happened, and by making today beautiful you have more chance of tomorrow being beautiful too.
2. Try to do ONE thing tomorrow which makes you smile.Do that every day. Even if it is as simple as a short walk, and to appreciate how beautiful the world is, nature, the sky, the wildlife – anything.
3.Write 3 lists. 1. What was good about the relationship 2. Why you are so much better without him 3. What you want out of life, and what you want to achieve – be specific. Then make yourself 5 short term goals, and one long term goal. Make plans how you are going to achieve those goals.
– Write a list of EVERYTHING in your life that you love, that makes you happy that you are proud of, that you have achieved. Everything that is beautiful about you.
There is a start…… to loving you, and finding the beauty within you!! 🙂
You’re right. You were never really in a relationship at all. You just thought you were. He was probably shopping for new victims the whole time.
The question here is why is it that sociopaths find pleasure tricking us into thinking they like us? There’s more to it than just sex, money, or power.
Agreed.
Is it possible that they tell you they are commit suicide to make you feel sorry for them? Because it just happened to me.
Yes sociopaths can do this. But so can non sociopaths. Best thing to do in that situation is the call the police and say that someone is threatening suicide. Remove yourself from the situation.
Yes, he is a sociopath. He is playing mind games with me, he said he jumped off of the bridge but then thought that life was too good (I’m not gonna write the same exact words). If he actually would have jumped off a bridge he wouldnt be alive or would be at the hospital. He said jumped off the bridge-suicide, but life is too good-mind game.
So he is just messing with my head. I don’t have a word to describe how low he is to say this things.
Oh they are SO ridiculous. If he does that. Just say I am calling the police. I am not trained to deal with this. Put the phone down. He is being manipulative and controlling. So, if he wants to do that let the police deal with it.
Mine did the same thing, twice when I tried to break it off . She once admitted she fantasized about suicide since she was a child.. being 49 now Im pretty sure that will never stop with her. Suicidal Idealization I think its called.. Extremely disturbing. When she told me that it sent a cold shock through my soul. And considering she has numerous guns in the house and a cabinet full of “medical” mixtures including fatal plus ..it made it that much more terrifying..
Oh yeah I should at least say that to scare him. The problem is that I am not in that country anymore, I am back in my home town. I told that to his sister, but I think she knows it’s not real. She told me “I don’t know what to think, I think you should block him.”. So I can’t call the police myself from here.
Ah then block him and go No contact. He isn’t your responsibility. If you know his family (if he is still in contact) maybe send them an email to say that you are blocking contact, and he is threatening suicide. He is just doing this to manipulate you!! 😦
Having just read this was frightening, it fits to the letter who I was with, how I behaved towards him and my experience of thinking I am crazy.
It describes exactly what happened to me …; , i’m just 4 weeks out of such a relationship.. and still very hurt …
Wow, thank you for this website and comments. It really has put a lot of things into perspective for me. Things that have turned my head to mush in the battle between my heart and head!
3 weeks out of the relationship, he still hasnt realised its over, he still thinks its a game. Worse is we work in the same place, and I can already see his manipulative tactics in trying to turn others against me. He succeeded in the past. People think he’s such a nice guy, victim in life from “bad” childhood, that he tells everyone about, his excuse for any failures/bad behaviours. 3.5 years with him and only met his mother twice. But managed to find out his childhood wasnt as bad as he made out. Lies upon lies. He can easily look someone straight in the eye and lie. I think he actually gets pleasure from it. Ive also seen him play one colleague off another and laugh at his achievement. He verbally abused me so many times when he was drunk (only time he showed his real true colours) and always blamed me or made out it was “just the drink”. Things he would say was so off the wall crazy, if I told anyone they wouldnt believe me to look at him. Nor did I, at first. Sure he could be so sweet and caring. He broke me down emotionally bit by bit, with insults, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, isolation and mind games. I always knew when he came out with things that were so untrue about me, to me, thats what he is really telling everyone else. He actually believes his own lies.
The sad thing about all this is that he never really got to know me. He was always so caught up in keeping face, suiting himself, mind games for control that he never really gave us a chance. Because deep down, at times when he truly let me in, we were actually beautiful together.
I think sociopaths live in fear all the time. Fear of being hurt. They dont trust anyone and so they see people as just pawns to be used for their own pleasure. If anyone is nice to them, they must control them and make them pay for all their own insecurities and resentment in life. For how dare nice people be so trusting and happy! they must be stupid!! the fear of true intimacy, honesty and truthfullness frightens the crap out of them I think. Because they see it as relinquishing control of themselves. But they will never change no matter how much you try to love them and show them that it doesnt have to be that way. They will only use your openheartness for their own gain, disrespect you for being so “stupid” and resent you because they secretly wish they were like you.
This has been my experience. And it still hurts like crazy. I still have very strong feelings for him and miss him terribily. Seeing him in work every day doesnt help. But Im trying to listen to my head, because ive given him all the chances in world and listened to many empty promises. But I know now he will never change.
Hi Jennifer, welcome to the site. You know I do agree with you about the insecurity. Sociopaths I have met are insecure and sometimes live in fear – so they control others with fear – and sometimes with offering love….all the while they constantly press the self destruct button for what they really want. Which is to be loved and accepted for who they truly are.
How did you deal with working with your ex? I am in the same situation… I got him s job and it was the biggest mistake of my life. It would be so much easier to move on if I didn’t have to work with him every day. Often people say “he is such a nice guy” but he’s really not nice. It frustrates me beyond belief. I go through phases of being angry and then sad.
What do you do when he played on your desire to have a child, kept you hanging on, did the d&d and now it’s too late? Some dreams can get stolen 😦
I know…. cecelia, it is a wicked thing to do. How old are you? It might not be too late. I think this is something that a lot of women experience. I know personally just how heartbreaking it can be. But – you know a lot of women have babies in their 40s these days and thing work out well.
I’m 46 and busy digging myself out of a P-shaped hole. I have accepted that motherhood is not to be.
An amazing song especially upon watching the video,Its hilarious when she knocks prince charming on his azz ,is katy perrys “wide awake”. Its a must watch for us victims.
Yes I like that too Janey I think I have it on here somewhere – really good video for coming out of the relationship with sociopath
hahaha….I laughed when I read that the victims take sociopaths heavy initial seducing as a compliment…because we do! its so funny
It really breaks my heart to read all of the things women have been through and almost makes me grateful to know that i have gotten out of the relationship before things got too hectic. i am a seventeen year old girl who has been in a relationship with a sociopath for two years. i always question whether or not he is a narcissist because after emailing Dr Sam Vaknin the author of malignant self love on my concerns he replied that he is not a diagnostician and cannot ensure me that he has npd. however my ex has told me that he knows that he is a sociopath and a narcissist once i began to ask him questions. he lacks empathy for those around him and has even said that he was not made for love. his goals are rather strange, he aims to isolate himself from society. he is very intelligent and also handsome, the relationship we had is my dream. he told me that he is attatched to me and breaking up is difficult for him. i believe that at this point i have the foggy mind. the fact that he has never sworn me and never ‘intentionally’ hurt me nor cheated on me which makes me second guess everything.our relationship was intense, i have realised that he knows everything about me where as i know the bare minimum about him. is it wrong that i would like to base my entire life on this experience, i want to become a phsychiatrist so that i can better understand him and cope with his behaviour. i want to understand why these people do what they do, and i want to help them because i feel that it isnt their fault. i want to reach out to those who actually seek help and i want to help victims too. i ofcourse need to first find the strength to be emotionally stable without him, even though he was by my side i honestly felt alone at times. i did give him my heart and my time,he has stolen my peace of mind. but is it strange to try to find the positives out of this situation, i have deep love for him and i accept his flaws. i know i cant change who he is. but i do want to change myself so that i can cope with him. he has become my passion and ambition in a sense. i am not over him, and i dont want to accept that our relationship was an illusion because to me it felt so real. for the first time i was real with someone and trusted someone with all my heart. i still want to be with him although i know i wont be happy. last night he told me that if he found a good enough reason he would kill me, i told him that its weird that i love you so much and even after he told me that i am not scared of him. the no contact rule is really difficult for me to obide by. he is my best friend. this is only going to get harder, everything reminds me of him. yes, he is linked to the most inner part of me. when i think of him it really does hurt, that really sucks when he is all i ever think about. i know that i am young and that i still have alot to learn, but my experience with him has shaped my life and i want it to be for the betterment of both me and him as well as those suffering in relationships which are abusive. am i heading in the right direction? or should i reasses my way of thinking? your response will be much appreciated
I t should be noted if it hasn’t already been that this is true regardless of the gender of the sociopath … I relate to this as I am getting over from a sudden divorce from a woman sociopath – I am a man and I was not the sociopath – she on the other hand exhibited most if not all of the symptoms and was in fact diagnosed with border line personality disorder. Just remember it isn’t always the man.
Thank you for this article. I am going through a breakup with a socio at present and only realised a week after the split that he was a full blown socio – nearly every possible trait. You can be so oblivious when in love. Your story above is exactly what I’ve gone through – he sold me my dream (marriage, kids, house in the country etc) and then out of nowhere lost interest and had zero empathy. I originally blamed it on work related stress, but looking back now I was obviously no longer his power source. It is comforting to know that I’m not alone, although I hate to think of others going through the same thing. I gave everything, only to realise it was all fake. And now he ridiculously wants to be ‘friends’ (which isn’t going to happen, not falling for that again!). I’m now working on building myself back up again which is hard work! Good luck to everyone else going through this
Thank you ang and welcome to the site!! 🙂
Everything to the tee. Ugh
I want to thank whomever created this post for it is truly a life saver. Unlike most people I was in a relationship for 7-8 months or so (were bestfriends what seemed like forever) and I thank God I had come across this and realized that the man I thought was my soulmate was in fact a narcissistic concious-lacking sociopath. All the signs were there charming, witty and I should’ve known there was a psychological interruption in his thinking process. As I remember many times asking if he had felt bad for making me feel a certain way or lying to me(So much so that I even contemplated suicide) and he replied no. His blank stare when something shocking happened, everyone would react besides him or he would purposely fact overreact. I should’ve known he had emotional raped me and always would test if I still loved him pretending he was cheating ,lying about going with other girls whilst he was at home.creating a perfect future lie and using words like “when we have kids” or “that’s what our kids will look like” so deceiving. Even when I openly said I wanted to kill myself the only thing he thought of is that “people are going to think it was my fault” which it would’ve been as a result of verbal mental and physical abuse. Only now that I realized that the only reason he tried to stop me from suiciding or running away is to save his own reputation from people finding out what heartless person he really was. I hope I can speak to this person one last time without emotions I don’t want to break.He had steered me away from God and today I’m telling him my final goodbyes. Wish me luck guys and here’s to finding ourselves without people who suck the life out of us!!
I’m trying to get out of a man’s clutches. I did twice months ago. Now it’s been over 8 months and he is still toying with me. Why is it so hard to completely block him now? He’s like a bad drug that I have to have. He’s been the only constant thing in my life this year. Even though, depressing me to the point that I almost admitted myself. I’m on an emotional roller coaster and I want to get off. I want my strong, confident, vibrant self, back! I’ve deleted him and put him in spam. It doesn’t work. I know his number and I constantly check spam. Were you able to say goodbye? After reading about sociopaths, I texted him today and played into his madness. It didn’t help me gain anything except more sadness for him because he can’t help the way he is. I want to know why? What happened to him to make hime this way? Tramatic childhood? My heart breaks for his soul. I am Christian. I have the gift of discernment. I should have stayed strong and kept listening. The first 2 pictures he sent me show the lost soul within him. Now I don’t want to stop praying for him! I would never allow him around my children so what is the point of me hanging on?
He’s a distraction from my life that I’m not happy in. But this is making me even more depressed. Any insight?
“He’s been the only constant thing in my life this year. Even though, depressing me to the point that I almost admitted myself. I’m on an emotional roller coaster and I want to get off. I want my strong, confident, vibrant self, back! I’ve deleted him and put him in spam. It doesn’t work. I know his number and I constantly check spam. Were you able to say goodbye? After reading about sociopaths, I texted him today and played into his madness. It didn’t help me gain anything except more sadness for him because he can’t help the way he is. I want to know why? What happened to him to make hime this way? Tramatic childhood? My heart breaks for….” yes he is a sociopath now you know and you still want to call himand save him to your own detriment. save yourself…look into codependants and figure out your own participation in this relationship dynamic to break the cycle. im in the same boat. save yourself
Hi Kat, you say that he has been the only constant thing this year. But you know that the only reason for this, is because he MAKES it that way? Right?
He turns your world upside down. He creates chaos and drama. The only reason that he seems the only one that is constant, is because he is behind the scenes causing problems so that you are DEPENDENT on him to RESCUE YOU.
Don’t feel sorry for him. He knows and likes the way that he is. He thinks he is superior, and is better at hiding than you are at finding, and even if he could change, he probably wouldn’t.
You cannot change his life, and his background. But you can change your NOW, and your future. You know that as long as you remain in contact with him this lunacy will continue and he will continue to appear to be the most constant thing in your life.
Have a think about that… just how crazy is that? ….
I feel emotionally raped as well. The worse thing is that you are blinded by love and when you fall out of love with them when you realise that they were a sociopath you can see all the signs there
Yes I know. I read back through old chat logs from the very beginning seeing with fresh eyes made me feel physically sick
I can’t believe this at all, this has happened to me, and I don’t believe it. All the stories above I can see and relate to. But the description of how the sociopath works and starts the relationship is identical. I can’t stop crying, 5 weeks ago I never knew what sociopath was. I still can’t believe it. I fell like no one believes me. I need to stay strong to make sure that he doesn’t win. I feel so sad. I need to get myself together. He tried to turn family members against me and he did with several friends. this is evil, I feel like I am in a horror movie. This page is helpful as it means I am not alone, but I am sorry for everyone because I know what you sociopathic partners have done to you and it is EVIL. Im still in shock, he has hurt me so much and to read that these people don’t care about what they do hurts so much. Im exhausted, sorry Im not making sense. Im sorry to all of you who have been hurt, I feel your pain and its not fair xxxx
I am sorry you have also had to experience this Stephen. It does get better. It’s numbness and disbelief at first
Reblogged this on Narc Bait Diary – Ex Files.
Hey i m trying gt away frm sicopathic boyfriend i need help 😦
How can we help rose?
This guy i know is sicopath i dnt knw tht bfre ! I feel fr hm! He took all m frndz away i feel so alone! Whneva i tel hm go he doesnt i mean hez stuck pl help m i feel vry depressed i need talk to smeone 😦
Hi rose. You might think that as he has taken your friends that you would have nothing more to lose? You would be wrong if you thought that.
Lots of stories here. I rarely find stories about female psychopaths. My ex gf was one. I am a very soft hearted and open guy. I have loads of dreams. Im an artist, so all my life ive been dreaming about doing my music, singing, photographies, travelling etc. She mirrored all my dreams and all my passions and hobbies. I absolutely believed she was sent by god. I dont believe in god but she was so perfect that i actually started believing in miracles! A person ive been dreaming about all my life. To be fair, not even dreaming, because i just couldnt expect anyone this perfect to come along. I live abroad alone for many years, suffer from depressesion all my life due to abuse in childhood. She was the first good thing to ever happen to me. She made me wanna life. And i told her all this….. however, after a while i realised she is lying a lot, but i wanted to built trust in a relationship…. shortly after that she dumped me on valentines day. Never talked to me afterwards. Just said its all my fault. I told her im leaving the country. She didnt give a damn, just insulted me and said she doesnt care about breaking my ‘naive heart’ and made fun of me ‘oh you poor boy, had such a bad life, and now you suffer from me. Heartbreak is normal, so youre not the only one experiencing it’.
There are a few, type female sociopath in the search box D
Reblogged this on My Journey Towards the Light and commented:
Chapter ONE of my Bible to Healing 😦
Time, positive quotes and daily reminders that whatever things look like, he isn’t happy. He will never change and he won’t love someone else the way I wanted him to love me. He’s an illusion not a person. He will never own a house or nice car he’s allll fake. When he has money he will quickly blue it all and have nothing. He’s now become physically violent and beaten up not only me, another woman and his own brother. He’s out of control and will eventually self destruct. I need to remind myself daily that he’s a monster. But me, I’m OK! We’re all going to be OK because we’re good on the inside. Remember who broke us can not fix us. Our hearts will mend.
I, myself, have recently gotten out of a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath. I’m 19. I have crippling anxiety, abandonment issues, and insecurities up the ass, so you can see why I was the perfect victim. The relationship started the way any other relationship started until I found out he had a drug issue (cocaine) and I tried to help him, and then I found out at that time that he was diagnosed as a narcissist and socio but I overlooked that. I helped him pay off some of his debt, about 1k within the first two months, and gave him money on several occasions. We moved pass that, and I thought the issues were over. He became distant, and he would make me feel crazy. I found messages of him talking about drugs, talking to other women, a tinder account, etc. he ALWAYS had an excuse and he ALWAYS played the victim. He knew that he would win me over, and I’d forgive him. i witnessed him almost have an overdose, and it basically scarred me for life. All of a sudden, my life was flipped upside down when I found out he was moving to a different state. He swore that we’d make it work and that he’d come home to me. When he moved, he became distant and would get drunk every night. I would worry and try to get ahold of him, and he would call me irrational and make me feel as if I was crazy, clingy, etc. I’ve never cried so much in my life. One day, I built up the courage to say that I was over it and we needed a break. He admitted that he had been talking to other girls already, and that reeled me back in and made me emotional. How could someone do that? We had been together for 6 1/2 months and he had absolutely no respect for me? I was hurt, and I let him have the satisfaction of knowing it. I poured my heart & soul out to him. He became more distant until I built up the courage to tell him I was done with everything, and then he tried sweet talking me. I had bought him a plane ticket so he was supposed to be coming to see me, and he kept telling me don’t make any rash decisions before he comes, and that he wants to work on things with me. Eventually, I had support from a good friend of mine that was the little push I needed to tell him that I didn’t want him coming to see me. It still hurts. His last words to me were basically “Ok bye” and made me wanna snap. I’m trying not to let him phase me. I don’t know where to turn to, nobody understands. I’m so glad I found this website.
Hi nina. Welcome to the site. You might also want to copy and paste your story to the ‘share your story’ part as lots of people follow it and can also offer advice.
I am sorry that you are hurting. I can feel the pain as i read what you wrote. I know it hurts, but this isn’t you. Thing is they get bored and move on and then use someone else. I am sorry that you have been hurt. Pleased you have friends to support you. Am also pleased that you found us…. you are so much better off without him.
Hi there.I just broke up from such a relationship but im 8weeks pregnant. I also have 2 children from the previous marriage. He knows about the pregnancy and uses it to stick around. what can i do? I live in a small town and people are so judgemental and not helpful. He threatened to do harm to my children if i dare have an abortion. So depressing.
I’m seeing a sociopath who is 64 year old woman and I just broke up with her for the second time after she accused me of always cheating, having sex with ever body, jealous and ties my time up so no one else can. Yes and she did steal my dreams. I’ve never been through anything quite like this. I’m depressed and I do cry off and on. I was so in love with her. She always wanted to much from me. When I bought her flowers on Thanksgiving she said they were ugly! I bought her a friendship ring wasn’t big enough. I felt my true feeling melt away. She loves to guide you about everything! I’m a self employed contractor for 30 years, she doesn’t trust me at all. She has had me shaking at time from her ranting. I’m a mess and I thought I was emotional strong! What happened to me! I dealt with a lot of oppsticles in my life but nothing like this! Her past really was sad drunk and abusive parents . I know she lies I listen good! I try to maintain a healthy relationship but has gotten way out of hand! She says it me! She want to move out into the wood somewhere to be isolated from everyone! Help!!! I’m all broken up at my age 57!
This happened to me, I had 10 months with my boyfriend who I never doubted loved me very much and when we were together things were perfect in every way! Unfortunately he saw his ex wife at least 5-6 days a week, helping in the evenings with the kids bedtime, trips out at weekends, mending leaky pipes, cutting the lawn, sofa sleep overs! He always said it was about the kids but eventually I came to realise it was less about co-parenting and more about codependency! I think to each other they represented the parental figures they never had growing up! There was no romance there but there was an incredibly unhealthy dependence on one another. Unfortunately their ‘relationship’ left little room for ours. Eventually the constant comprising of my values wore me down, I’d sit in a state of anxiety the days I didn’t see him because I’d know he’d be with her, I had no self esteem left! So three weeks ago I walked away, it was the hardest thing I had ever done and I’d like to say it’s easier now but I think my road to recovery has some miles left yet! I know logically one day my heart will let go and the pain will ease but until then I take one day at a time.