The relationship to the sociopath, is based on games – not love!
You might look back on the relationship, and think, how did that happen? How did my life change so drastically from just being with one person?
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Isolation often occurs being in a relationship with a sociopath. You might wonder how it happened? Also, and probably more importantly, while you realise that it DID happen, you of course want it to avoid it happening again in the future. Rebuilding your life, after the carnage that was created is difficult enough.
How the sociopath captures you
Remember that the most important thing to the sociopath is CONTROL. Without control, they are unable to manipulate you, to get you to do what they want. Other people in your life, are seen as threats to their very existence. Also remember the way that the sociopath lured you in.
- Playing victim
- Acting as a hero
- Being everything you want
- Selling you something that you think you need
- Being your very best friend
- Mirroring you, and being just like you
To be able to do this effectively, the sociopath works hard, and does ground work. I won’t cover this in detail here, as I have written about it in detail on other posts, but they follow the same pattern
- Ask lots of questions to find out what you want
- Snoop for personal information about you, looking at your social networking sites, speaking to friends about you (In a friendly, caring way) checking their responses to questions
Assessing your support network
When the sociopath meets your friends, they will be doing exactly the same as what they were doing when they met you.
- Asking questions (the interview stage)
- Registering responses to questions, what is said, body language, reactions to questions
This gives the sociopath a lot of information
- The friends loyalty to the victim
- What the friend thinks of the victim
- Obtains personal information about the friend, that he can later use, in conversation with you, to put you off him/her
- Later, at the end of the relationship, he can return to these very friends that he isolated you from, and selling them back information about you, in the smear campaign stage
An example of this, was with the last sociopath, I had taken him to meet a couple of friends. These people were friends that I have known for a long time, the male was a friend of 20 years. I could see him doing his sales pitch. He was gaining their trust by:
- Telling them information that he already knew about me (leading them to believe that he knew me very well, and could therefore be trusted as my partner)
- Complimenting my friends, and complimenting me
- Interesting stories about himself and his background which matched their interests
Everything was going well. A friend of mine is a professional astrologer. So, she asked what his date of birth was?
She looked him up, and her face fell, she went silent for a minute as she drew out his birth chart on the screen. We were both sat in anticipation, waiting, after all –
- From my point of view I had met my perfect match
- From his point of view – he had met his perfect victim, and didn’t want to be detected
She said simply,
I can see that you have a lot of anger. You become very angry
She mixed the sentence up, with other positive things. But that sentence stood out. I thought perhaps her chart was wrong. I immediately defended him:
Oh no, he is not like that at all. I have never seen him angry. He is a really positive person, really upbeat and great company.
I had to admit to myself I had never seen that part of his personality, in fact he was so much the opposite of this, he was happy, cheerful, charming. I struggled to believe that anger existed within him. (she later revealed that his birth chart showed that he was a very dishonest person, manipulative and deceptive and to go careful)
Testing your support network
He obviously felt uncomfortable (fear of exposure), the atmosphere changed and suddenly from nowhere, he made a comment to my friends (made out as a joke)
It’s like living with Hitler living with her!
I was quite stunned by this comment, as the truth was I had been paying for everything the last few months. He paid for nothing and was living off me (a fact that my friends at this point didn’t know).
The room went silent, it was quite uncomfortable for a moment. I watched him observe my friends reactions. Just for a short time, his mask had slipped. He wanted to go home shortly after this. In the car on the way home, I wasn’t too impressed by what he had said. It had no reflection on how things had been with us.
On the way home, he said negative things about my friends. This led me to believe that they didn’t see the good relationship that we had together. They obviously couldn’t see it. And for my friend to say that he was angry (when I didn’t see it), how could they have my interests at heart? I felt confused.
Over the seventeen months that I was with him, I watched him repeat this behaviour again and again, with different people.
With another friend at her boyfriends birthday, when we had only been dating 3 weeks, he blurted out after I had introduced them for the first time:
I am going to marry her!!
My friend looked at him, alarmed, and again, I felt embarrassed. Saying this, achieved a number of things:
- Humiliated me – making me look stupid
- Forced my friend to both acknowledge him, and to give a reaction
- Made my friend wonder what had happened to me, maybe I had changed?
Over the course of our relationship, he constantly made comments to people. Which would make my friends feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. It made us as a team, and it looked as often he would repeat information that I had said, that I was sometimes disloyal to them. I felt like he was attached to me like a limpet. I guess he was. I was his new source for supply.
Sociopaths are smooth and slick, confident, because they have repeated this behaviour many times over.
The effect of what he was doing, was slow. But it was deliberate. Examples of other controlling behaviour to give an image to the outside world were:
- To constantly write over the top ‘loving’ messages over my Facebook wall
- Despite he was sat in the same room as me, if I didn’t comment (as I wouldn’t it was too embarrassing), he would say ‘you are ashamed of me’ or ‘why are you hiding me’ making you feel guilt
- Being overly loving in public
- Saying really nice things about me, to people that he knew that I had a disagreement with, to test their reaction
When he wrote on my Facebook wall, over the top loving and gushing (I felt embarrassed), he would complain if I didn’t respond back with equal gushing of love. (Despite being sat in the same room as me). I know that some friends at this point blocked my wall on Facebook, they didn’t want to read it. Why would they?
This was a deliberate act on his part, to give an image to the outside world –
- How happy we were
- How much he loved me
- How caring he was
- That if HE was fake and phoney – well perhaps I was too?
You see, by deliberately engineering this façade to the outside world, other people were fooled. Isolating you, offers full control over you and your life, and makes it easy to use you for source of supply.
It also achieved something else, long term. It meant that he could later engineer an easy escape, with little detection of being exposed. After all, nobody else had seen him be horrible to you, he was kind, caring, helpful, and he was so in love with you. Or at least this was the reflection he gave to the outside world.
Two things are important to the sociopath
- Control
- Winning
Whilst at the same time avoiding his two biggest fears
- Being exposed
- Losing control
Creating dependence and isolating you
You might have, isolated yourself further from friends, after being hurt, when he tells you things like:
- I asked your friend to call you and they never did, am disappointed, they would
- I asked them to come over for dinner, and they didn’t (he would be deliberately fake when asking)
- They never call you anymore, you always have to call them
- They don’t care about you
- Have you noticed, how they always spend time with other friends and never invite you anymore
- Worse, I think your friend fancies me – or I find your friend attractive
- To mutual friends, behind your back, they will confide in them, they they are concerned about you, or you have erratic behaviour, they really don’t know what to do to help you?
Telling you negative things about your friends, about their thoughts about you, or creating/engineering events which will hurt you, will isolate you, and create a false sense of dependence on the sociopath.
The sociopath will notice who are the genuine people in your life and who are not. They will quickly learn who are the people who will stick by you. Those who were not close friends, or failed his test, he will later take as his own, to use as third party abuse against you.
Causing isolation from your inner circle
Your inner circle of people are more difficult to isolate you from. (usually long term friends, or family). To isolate you from those people, he tries a different tact. He will do something outrageous, hurtful to you, so that they do not like him anymore. Which would mean that mutual visits with him, would be difficult, forcing you to make the choice between him – and those close to you.
Being in love, being manipulated, you will often choose him. After all, you know that your close people will always be there. You hope that you will be able to change their mind about him, at a later date. When things improve.
But this improvement will never come. it will be more stalling for time, so that he can use you some more, until, at the end he has used you all up.
The sociopath does not experience true emotions and feelings. The words ‘love’ mean simply ownership and control. And dating, is just a game, to use you for whatever they want.
The sociopath will play the game for as long as there is a reward for him. As long as he is getting what he wants. Even if he has become attached to you (while they do not love in the usual sense, they can become attached to supply), he will move on to another victim, when the source for supply is running dry.
The relationship is always about the sociopath, and their needs.You were only a source to be used. But don’t think that when he moves on, he will be having a happy relationship with someone else. Likely he will say that he has changed, and someone else will benefit from all that you taught him – and thank you!! This isn’t true. He has simply moved onto another victim, it is not a case of if, but when, that he will ruin the new victims life too.
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Dating a Sociopath 
Love this one… So very true…
My “sociopath” told EVERYONE in my life how he was going to marry me, how he had finally found “the one,” and how happy he was. He put on a QUITE the show when we were around people, always being helpful, kind, caring, sweet & FUN. But his behavior behind closed doors was the opposite. He would be one way towards everyone else while we were out & the minute we got in the car to leave, I got the 3rd degree (or the silent treatment) for being too “flirty” or too “loud.” He always belittled, talked down, and tried to hurt me by pointing out my bad behaviors around other people. I know now that this was his way of making me not want to be around other people… From his distorted view, I was the enemy. But he wouldn’t show that in front of other people. He was too much of a chicken-shiott to show his true behaviors to them. I thought I was going crazy, that I was MAKING him be that way to me. I know now that the fun, happy person he was around others was not him, it was him wearing that “mask.” What a pathetic, angry, loser he is. I truly only feel pity for him now.
Yes me too!! They are proper space rangers and head merchants that is for sure. Isn’t it funny how they are all so similar, we could be dating the same person!! 🙂 Pity is a good emotion to feel. That is how I feel. I don’t hate him. Not at all. But I do feel sorry for him. I don’t envy his new girlfriend either. I feel sorry for her. As I know the truth of the man behind the mask! – they don’t care about anyone but themselves.
It is funny, we truly could have all been with the same person… Exactly the same story like a broken record… Over and over and over… But unlike positivagirl.. I sometimes hate him;) LOL! Pitty, always. Sad for loosing my dear friend of 20 years to him (he employs him because I begged him to in the beginning and now he LOVES him).
Ah I know. Its hurtful isn’t it? The sense of betrayal feels like a double betrayal!
OMG – mine said we were going to marry too within the first 4-6 weeks. He’d found “the one.” Amazing!!! I’m so hurt over my breakup but I keep reading and reading and see the same patterns. My SP slipped up and told me that someone (possibly a therapist) had said he was a sociopath. I didn’t even know the definition and then started doing research quietly. He said the only thing is he has a conscience where the SP’s normally don’t. I wonder if that’s even true…. who knows because they are liars.
“He put on a QUITE the show when we were around people, always being helpful, kind, caring, sweet & FUN. But his behavior behind closed doors was the opposite. He would be one way towards everyone else while we were out & the minute we got in the car to leave, I got the 3rd degree”. EXACTLY TRUE MANY TIMES WHEN WE WENT OUT. I never talked to anyone when I was with him it was always him. Not sure why I was so quiet but possibly due to his controlling manners. HE CALLED ME CRAZY when I MANY TIMES DEFENDED MYSELF OF HIS COMPLETE UNTRUE ACCUSATIONS AND BLAME. It was me who the public and his followers had the perception that was the crazy one. I’m the one that’s nuts in at least one of the places we go to as of today. I’m still going there because I am not going to stop because we’re not together. I’ve found out from others that some other people shy from him as well due to his aura. Thanks to this site and your post, yes…. I see the MASK. Although, do miss what we didn’t have… Beyonce’s song said it the best “BEST THING I NEVER HAD!”
I am having a hard time with this… my only relief is looking at my children ages 18, 16 and 6 (now). We’ve had heart to heart talks about him and they saw things even I didn’t see or maybe I would have justified for him. ALTHOUGH MY HEART IS BROKEN, JOB IS LOST, FINANCES IN SHAMBLES AND MY HOUSE MORTGAGE IN JEOPARDY NOW, I know that I have to thank God that this has ended and taking off the rose colored glasses. THANK YOU SOMUCH FOR POSTING ABOVE, IT IS A DUPLICATION OF MY RELATIONSHIP!!! I don’t wish this on any one else but your post gives me support and strength. Thanks.
I understand what you experienced as I did the mistake to date one sociopath who really maked me believe he was a victim of his ex wife, and when young from his father . And exactly like your ex did arround other people I got the same treatment, always belittled me and saying I was a flirty person and here he got the excuse to star drinking and getting verbally abusive, in the beginning I thought it was a trauma for his chilhood abuse but then I notice this behaviour was in cycles, at least twice a month was the abuse after the 2nd year of dating as he was very angry I was not moving to his home. All this time I was helping as much as I could to pay for some of the utilities and contribute to make his home a living place. It’s very painful to face the cold truth and I feel like a fool to allowed him to c0ntrol me like that. Even my daughter told me that something was wrong with him, but I was blind. But now I’m determined to cut the ties with this parasite.
Hi Alexandra, thank you. Don’t feel like a fool. Sociopaths are great actors. They are the master illusionist. They will do everything to lie and to protect the lie and have a mask of deception. Even if you did discover the truth, he would have lied further to protect the lie. So this is not your fault. There is nothing that you could have done. Heck they even pass lie detectors!!!
Jane: Lucky you hate him! Wish I was there, I’m still yearning for him to walk through the door and kiss me, hold me like he once did – – instead of walk through with anger and disgust as his supply source was ending and he was setting up for the next source. Of course, it was due to our arguments over thepetty idiocies he often brought to the table but that too was all me when I constantly defended myself. So lucky you hate him but there’s a thin line.
i read a lot that i recognise its very scary to face the truth and i am still in a not believing state of mind with so many questions how could this happen was everything a lie? i also had the same story of being a victim of an abusive ex and a victim of an abusive father..that could be true but not an excuse to abuse a woman..i wish everyone strength who has experience abuse from a sociopath and thanks so much for the sharing and information we must stay strong together and help eachother cause familly and friends who have not been in this experience don,t understand what it does to you and how it breaks you.i am still angry but i hope soon i feel nothing anymore so i know i left it behind me.
i recognise so much and it is scary to face the truth and to understand that he is a sociopath i am still in the not believing state of mind. i have so much anger in me and feel so heart broken he made me more and more insecure by mentioning everytime my insecurities.He also said his ex was destroying his life and that she has been abusive to him he said as a child his father was abusive to him. there have been patterns of every 3 months he broke up with me as a thunder lightning by a sunshiny day
He closed every way of communication no answers, no explanation, nothing and left me with all the confusion and pain and made me more vulnarable. he is talking bad about me to his familly and friends that i am a stalker and that i am crazy.There has been a while that i had doubt about myself. is there something wrong with me why he breaks up?
I wish everyone here a lot of strength and we must help eachother cause many people who haven,t been abused by a sociopath don,t understand.in how much pain and confusion we are.
i wish everyone love and strength to get through this.
They kind of make you crazy stalkers because mine just denied it (cheating) and then said “sorry IF I did something that hurt you” and that was it – no further discussion, nothing. When the mask comes down, it’s shocking and unsettling. This person you thought you loved is just a cold stranger now. I get scared thinking of him and how callously he ignores me because I caught him and called him out and showed my anger to him. He generally dates girls who he can boss around. Not me!
I have some questions to try and figure out if I’m dating a sociopath and really how dangerous it is and I need to know how to get away if so can someone email me
If you’re even questioning it, leave! Most of us had no clue until the rug was pulled right out from under us! I thought for YEARS that I had met me soul mate, a best friend. And he turned out to be a lying, cheating, deceptive, manipulative, narcissist and sociopath. I am still in shock at this discovery – his charm and humor won me over.
My rug was pulled out at a million mph
Never been with a sociopath before. I’ve been called one before, but I’ve never been with one. I think sociopaths are interesting creatures. Apparently, they see people as constantly moving in their own interest, and are willing to do almost anything to anyone to get what they want. Also, the fact that some of you guys are commenting about your boyfriends here shows that you’re not over the relationship. If you were over the relationship, you wouldn’t be on this blog reading about sociopaths. I don’t have an opinion on this particular group of people considering I’ve never dated or been “harmed” by a sociopath.
What people are dealing with here are emotional battle wounds, not that they are not over the perpetrator, but that they are making themselves whole again. Yes these people are fascinating creatures and be glad you have not been involved with one. They do use people as chess pieces that get moved around a perpetual chess board. The outer circle are their personal pawns, the inner circle are their higher ranking pieces that must be protected for their bigger moves, especially when their are trying to dethrone the queen.
You have nailed it, with these people, what they want they will get! They can be patient when it comes to destroying someone. Much like in chess, they are usually two moves ahead of their victim. Much of the time the queen (their victim) is too busy left defending herself against the constant assaults from the other pieces on the board. They have an uncanny way of making everyone around them believe it is their victim’s fault. The victims are always damned if they do or damned if they don’t, there is no winning. The victims are always the ones left on the outside looking in, discarded like yesterdays trash and put to the curb!
Btw, I am on this blog because I am truly fascinated with the inner workers of these creatures. I am glad for blogs like these so that victims do have a place to go for healing and making themselves whole.
Have just seen this, wow what a great response. So very true!!
CL,
Thank you so much for your brilliant post. This is EXACTLY what happened to me and your description made me feel less alone and “dethroned”. Not that I would ever wish this discarding on anyone else, but your post changed my perspective and made me see it as more planned than spontaneous – they set you up – lavish you with praise, love, attention, convincing you that you are just like them, making you feel sorry for them , sympathize for them, and, just when they know they have you in their grasp, they are already 2 steps head onto their next conquest/victim. It is so sick and perhaps they do know their twisted actions before they make them,
Au contraire. Some of us are not pining over some nutcase ex. These people out here invested themselves in relationships and then really went through hell. This may be a good place to vent about it, and provide some help to others reading. That doesn’t mean they’re not over their ex. I am only here because of a stalker who once dated my spouse, and I am researching the nature of a sociopath. Most of these websites are pretty accurate, as the stalker I’m referring to is a controlling guy who thrives on manipulation. He controls others with fear, guilt, and is quite an illusionist, preying on those who appear to be broken or vulnerable. He likes to fly into someone’s life, appearing (or offering to be) everything his lover needs, and to always be there. Sounds comforting on the surface, but a shrewdly manipulative gesture to get his prey winging towards his net. I’ve never been involved with a sociopath, nor am I one. Just trying to get insight into how they operate, to discover the solution to making a stalker disappear. (Yes, filed police reports, got a lawyer and everything already). If any of you are with a sociopath, end the relationship and stop kidding yourself that he will change. Sociopaths study you to learn your weak spots, needs, fears, desires…Sociopaths do NOT feel true love, despite all that MUSH they lay on thick. They lack remorse and empathy. They do NOT care if they hurt others, and there is NO TREATMENT OR CURE. (Check the DSM on that if you need clinical proof).
It’s so funny how so many of us leave comments that begin with “mine”. Anyway – “Mine” had the balls to propose to me on a stage after a fashion show in front of God and everybody. He was still married to another woman. Actually, he is still married to her and it’s been years. Every friend I ever had was there watching. At this point in my life, having been with him going on six years and still idiotically trying, I can honestly say I don’t have any friends with the exception of 1 person, who aren’t his friends “first”. We’ve split up a few times within six years, and each time, they all frolicked over to his “side” and I was left with no friends, no family, no money, and nothing. Period.
Hey E, sending you a hug. I can absolutely relate. The way that they isolate you, humiliate you, control you – you are left with nothing at all. No friends, no life often no finances – many people lose their home and jobs too…. then the sociopath has absolute control. they deliberately create dependence on them – so that you have dependence like a drug addict. You are not an idiot you just met the master magician who is great at playing the game. the ONLY way out is No Contact – NONE at all. I know that this is hard when you feel that he is all that you have left — but if you keep him there – he will always be all that you have. If you let him go. It might just be you – but it will push you to meet new people — and he won’t be able to ruin it for you.
Wow. I am dumbstruck how much this resemble my own experience. This is a real eye opener on the devistating experience I had with a man I thought was my soul mate. Now almost a year since the brake up I so refuse to see myself a victim( since it mean him being a victor). Thank you for sharing your experience since it shed light on some nagging questions I still had.
Let’s keep something in mind here… dysfunction attracts dysfunction. Sometimes the “victim” is just as much perpetrator. Scapegoating is an easy way to shift the blame for an unhealthy relationship. Arm – chair analysis, by self – described “experts”, and vindictively taking someone else’s personal inventory are a defense mechanism that borders on the offensive. One unqualified persons “sociopath” diagnosis is no more valid than another’s “borderline” determination, or “victimization” complex. It’s very vain and shallow to think you’ve “got someone figured out”. I recognize the need for self-justification and “licking of the wounds”, so to speak. Sometimes the person in the mirror is just as much a “sociopath”, and the other person is NO LESS a “victim”.
Really, that is interesting.
So…. where does this analogy sit when the perpetrator deliberately targets an already vulnerable or grieving person?
“Sometimes the ‘victim’ is just as much perpetrator.” Then they’re not a victim. Or, you’re engaging in victim-blaming.
Delgado’s whole post sounds as though written by someone who has a reason to be threatened by the notion of sociopaths/narcissists and other abusers being exposed and challenged. Wonder why that is…?
A victim is just that, a victim, they have been targeted and were manipulated, they did not make a conscious choice, armed with the full facts. I think that over time, to survive, some victims can continue to stay in survival mode, keeping people at arms length, but this is part of sociopath brain washing I believe, space from them, over time, we all return back to ourselves, albeit a far stronger version of ourselves, than we were before.
I am a victim of a socialpath & The saddest part is i gave up a career i built &loved & also have a child with him,This has completly turned my life upside down! this man is deplorable &uses woman because he cannot be a respinsible adult &gets fired from jobs every 3 months because of his arrogant narcissistic attitude that he is superior over everyone,I have been used for my car,Home abused,Neighbors being cursed out,Family that cant stand him,Lies after lies i caught him him,And found out after suspecting he had a gambling problem& his daily weed smoking was far worse than i could imagine,He would come off nice around family & friends but say such disgusting things that left me embarrassed to bring him around anyone after he literally embarrassed me in front of a client,I have never been so hurt & disgusted by a person in my life..I refuse to allow him back,I was abandoned at 4 months pregnant by him & it became a revolving door with us because i would kick him out for not being responsible with bills & not respecting my home..I’m rebuilding my life slowly,But it’s hard & will never be the same emotionally after what i have gone thru,This man was watching me on fbk i’m convinced & was plotting this the whole time i think..i have a beautiful daughter & i do believe he loves her to the capacity that he is able but he is verbally & emotionally abusive too me & i have cut all contact now..if you are a victim watch for the red flags & don’t be scared to ask around for exes to get info bfre you fall in Love with these sick men..they prey on a womans heart & leave you in pieces like it’s a birth right..it’s beyond pathetic & sad
I am currently recovering from a break-up with a narcissist who I met through Facebook but who also works where I work :(. I feel like I have gone through hell and back, even though our relationship only lasted 4-5 months, he was kind and charming at first but as I got to know him more and felt more close and attached to him, the less he would talk to me and would start to withdraw emotionally and communication-wise. I believe he targeted me because he saw a victim (I also have a narcissistic father) and because of this, I have struggled wid having a co-dependent, people-pleasing nature. Because I see him at work, he ignores me completely, his eyes are so cold, cruel and distant tat at times I feel like nothing had even happened between us, its a strange situation to be in. Anyways, wid the help of friends, my higher self, God and a friendly Buddhist monk named Ajahn Brahm (hes on youtube), I feel stronger, better, and less co-dependent than I ever had been. I am living my life with complete and utter freedom, away from the controlling grasp and clutches of narcissistic people in my life (father,ex,friends,family,strangers on the street). I believe this break-up was the mirror I needed to reflect the harsh truth which was that I was the abuser, I needed the mirror to showcase my self-sadistic abuse which I was subjecting myself towards. People, look deep within yourself because how people treat us is how we allow others to treat us and how we treat ourselves, we need to love ourselves first and foremost, we must have self-respect and believe we deserve it from everyone, to be assertive with our needs and have them met, to not blame ourselves when things go wrong or when an argument happens. This is what I have learnt and I feel free to live my life as me because I love and I shall always love myself unconditionally. Peace to all.