You know that sinking feeling, when you walk into your home, and you have been burgled, robbed? A thief had came in the night, into your home, and robbed you of everything? This is how it feels, and the heartache and sense of loss that you feel, when the truth comes out about the relationship with the sociopath.
Worse, is the feeling that you went out for the day, and left the burglar with the keys to your home, so that they could ransack and take what they wanted.
When the relationship ends you feel empty. Just empty inside. Of course you do, your life has been ransacked and robbed. What is worse, is that happened at the time when you were trying to HELP him!!
The sociopath meets you, analyses you, and talks the talk, to see if you have what he wants. He asks plenty of questions, to find out –
- What you have to take
- How easy it would be to take it from you
Remember that the sociopath has to carry out robberies on other people, because their own sack is empty. Even if a sociopath had a million pounds, they would fritter it away on gambling, or drugs, or anything else. Nothing stays in the sociopaths possession for long. The sociopath makes a career living off others. They feed off your energy, your wealth, your social life, your friends and family, your body, everything, and if you have material possessions, they will take those too.
Why should you have something that the sociopath doesn’t have? The sociopath already knows that he has no conscience. Relationships are to him, opportunities and he is an opportunist. Nobody in their right mind would give the keys to their house to a known burglar. That would be stupid. The truth is, you were in a relationship with a burglar. Someone who steals hearts and souls, and everything else that you have to take. When he has taken all that he can, he goes one further by spreading lies about you. Malicious gossip. With the intention of keeping you isolated from people, so that the real truth about him, will not be exposed.
Once you discover the truth about the sociopath. You can never go back. You can never return. Once you know the truth, that this person was even CAPABLE of such depravity, you can never return. Even if you do return in person, you never return again in spirit. Or in love. There is no relationship, without trust.
The sociopath causes the kind of destruction that you witness, when you walk into your home, and everything is turned upside down, when thieves and burglars have been into your home. Only this time, it isn’t just your home that has been ransacked, it is your heart, your life, your entire world has been turned upside down.
You don’t know where to even begin to pick up the pieces and sort out the mess and the carnage that has been created. Your life feels like, it has just been RANSACKED….
Betrayal
The worst feeling is the sense of betrayal. Also stupidity. As you allowed that person into your home. Likely you fell for the victim sob stories. You had no idea that whilst he was asking you questions, that he was assessing you for your worth, and what he could take from you.
Whilst you did all that you could for him, not only does he rob you and bleed you dry, he continues with his hate campaign after the relationship has finished. You will realise that to cover for his own tracks, he is out there, with a smiling charming face, telling everyone that he can how awful YOU are. And if you try to object, YOU are the one that looks crazy.
The sociopath will feed you with false information, telling you how everyone hates you. How nobody likes you and how he met this person x y z and they were saying this about you!! DON’T REACT!!!!
I reacted, as I have written this has happened to me three times in a row. I was in so much pain, I did exactly that, i reacted. it made the situation a whole lot worse, and only reinforced what the sociopath was saying about you, that YOU ARE CRAZY!!
How do you manage to pick up the pieces of your ransacked life, now you are living in a world that is now in pieces?
- You sit, in the silence, and you make a list of positive goals (such as written in the post – healing and recovery)
- You accept that there are some things that you cannot change – instead you focus on what you can change
- Realise that lies and hate campaigns can’t last forever. Don’t fight back, it will only make it worse. Say nothing.
- Stick with people that you trust. Only spend time in their company, people that know you well
- Keep life small at first.
- Try to do one thing each day which will make you smile
- Forgive yourself and love yourself
- Realise that the sociopath has a psychological problem. Right now he has targeted someone else, if he hasn’t yet he has someone else lined up. The sociopath can’t be alone, they always need another life force to live off
- Don’t even bother about revenge. The only people you should get even with, are with those who have helped you.
- You cannot change the past, it has happened. The sociopath is a master manipulator, liar and thief.
- Your world is already turned upside down, don’t allow him to turn more upside down
- If ‘friends’ want to listen to the sociopath, they weren’t really friends…
And with friends like that….. always remember, if they couldn’t be with you when your life was at its worst, they certainly don’t deserve to be in your life when it is at it’s best!! 🙂
Love you, love yourself. Realise that true happiness comes from within. Take step by step approaches to sort out the carnage of your life. Rebuild a little piece at a time. Write a list, and tick off the list as you achieve.
You can do this!! 🙂
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
I started learning how to really love myself again through the exercise of listing all of the things the sociopath said he “loved” about me in the idolization phase. I accepted he was broken and unfixable, but realized that everything he said about me that he loved was true. Even though he didn’t love them the way healthy, non-pathological people love qualities about another. I looked at myself as a possession that he coveted and desired, just like the robbers and theives of your analogy. I pushed the devaluations he spewed at me toward the end to the back of my mind, focused on my best qualities and used those qualities to find the power and strength to cleanup myself and become a better me.
I think that’s a fab idea Paula. Especially true with narcissists.A narcissist only does the idealisation in the beginning, then the love turns to hate (because they hate themselves).
The sociopath is charming and charismatic, right to the very end. Sometimes you leave the relationship thanking them for the experience. They are remarkably clever. Often you have no idea how they feel about you really, until the truth comes out at final discard, and you are subjected to ruining and smear campaigns, then you witness the hatred, which was there all along.
I was with a narcissist type before the charismatic. He did extreme psychological emotional damage. That is why I am pleased I met the charismatic sociopath. Otherwise I would probably still be in the state I was in before I met him.
Funny the way that life turns out though. If we hadn’t gone through those experiences, we wouldn’t be writing what we do today.
I am sure that what we write helps other people. So maybe there is a point to it? …. I do think that is a great idea – esp for the narcissist. With the sociopath he would be telling you fab things to the end. I am sure if I spoke to him now he would say great things to me – but different story behind my back!! 🙂
It was always cyclical. The praise and the shame and blame. Neither ever ended once the cycle of abuse began. Even after leaving him he would tell me he loved me and then in the next instance he would rage at me. I’m sure he would not be honest with how he feels about me if I ever ran into him again. Because of my book and blog I’ve changed the equation a bit. I don’t use my experience as a model, just as an example. Regardless of the pathology and degree of the disorder, narcissist or sociopath, these people cause harm and should not be revered. The catch-22 is that in our quest to bring awareness is that we give them an ego boost. But I accept that. It’s sad how unique and special they think they are. And it’s sad that anyone would find their charm and charisma authentic. It a sense, we are shattering myths. The biggest one is the myth that sociopaths pose any danger to anyone. The only danger posed is the danger we accept, in my opinion. 🙂
Oh. And I understand about the charismatic type. I have a girlfriend who dated one. I have known him since college. I warned her. But she fell for his charm. He’ll smile right in your face as he’s sticking the knife in your back. Sneaky little bastard! Hehe! (And he would NEVER say a bad thing about her even behind her back. Well, at least not to me because he knows what I think of him. They really lose all of their power when we disarm them with our awareness.) 🙂
Would you say that the charismatic-type is easier to spot? For me, even before understanding about Sociopaths and other pathologies, I did not feel comfortable around highly-charismatic people. I knew something was not genuine but could never put my finger on it. Now I can. But the ones who are more covert and less charismatic but still lack a conscience and the ability to empathize are the ones I have trouble identifying without giving it a little time. Just wondering what you have learned or experienced. Sorry for all the comments. 🙂
I’ve only known about this site for a day & I already absolutely love it! Even though my relationship has been ending since April 5, I just made the conscious decision to cease all contact May 10th. I kept listening to the all the lies that got more ridiculous as he got more desperate. He lied to me about so many women so I’m sure he’s started telling lies about me. The good part about that is he has ruined his own reputation by repeated victimizing women at work. My reputation speaks for itself so his lies will only make him look worse and me look better. He did a great job of keeping me isolated, so I can care less what people outside of our workplace think of me. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and it seems as if my situation is a bit different than most. Yes he lied…a lot! Yes he cheated…a lot! Yes he’s manipulative, heartless, shameless, guiltless, and devoid of love or empathy. However, he never stole from me, though I know he has stolen from women in the past. He didn’t use me for money, he spent his money in my household just as much as I did. I know this may sound crazy, but I kind of wish I could say it was about the money or sex. At least there would be something tangible I could say was his reason. Having to accept “just because” is very hard. He did have unlimited access to my apartment, so I’m going to check to make sure he hasn’t stolen anything.
Paula made a great point…he did say a lot of things to me about how wonderful I was. I’m very aware that he’s a liar & sometimes the compliments were strategically placed for his benefit. But I know that the things he said about me were true. I am a gem. I’m a great mother, I take care of business, I make things happen, and I am most definitely strong. This still REALLY sucks, but I’m so grateful that I am not him. I feel such pity for him because he will never know what it feels like to connect on every level with another person. It is the best feeling in the world. Even though our relationship was a fairytale, I felt every experience that came with it. I felt loved & I was happy. I was comfortable without the constant need to try to be someone other than myself. The best part is that my eyes and mind have been opened. Even after being devastated by the realization that this was just an act, I still have a normal capacity to love. I still have in abundance all of the things he lacks. I may be angry and hurt; i may be down and depressed; I may be full of anxiety and suffering, but my circumstances are temporary. With time and counseling I will heal. I will move on with my life.
Hey Veronica, WOW what a comment!!!
No they don’t all steal, like they don’t all cheat. But they are all opportunists. So, for him, it might have been about esteem, the fact that you were higher than him in authority, or that you were successful. they are often attracted to successful women. To be honest, most of the women I have spoken to are fantastic, intelligent, compassionate women., Who have so much going for them. Mine always said he wouldn’t be with someone who was thick. They like the challenge.
They like to play games, and they like to win. So with you being in a position of power – that would be a BIG win!! It sounds like you are moving forward with understanding the way that they work.
You are SO right….. this is the point. They are stuck like that forever, whilst we are free. I too feel the same, its more pity that I feel,. I just feel sorry for him, always having to lie to be something he is not. Just living in a fantasy world. Not having that ability to be genuine honest and feel.
I think that all sociopaths are different. Just as are the rest of society. There are extremes and some are worse than others. I know of some who have never stolen, some who have never been unfaithful, some who are violent, others who are not. They are all different. While they follow similar character traits – in terms of personality, they also have their own individual persona, which is made up of their own life experiences, background and childhood.
I am new to this website and was in a relationship with a sociopath for five years and did not see it.i met him at work and we were both married.he had a weird history with his wife and three kids,and had left them in the past for ten years as he went on and off with another woman.i did not know him then but I missed a lot of red flags.my friends all tried to wean me too. He borrowed money from me,and did not pay it back. He was suppose to buy a car for my mom with 10000 dollars and spent that too. He had to go finance a ten thousand dollar diamond ring for me to forgive him for that,. He always put down his wife as being crazy ,and his kids as being money suckers ,and did a poor me poor me ,about himself. I am 10 yrs younger than him and people in our profession did not understand why I went with him.oh did I mention there was no intercourse or sex! He was in his fifties had had heart surgeries and stents put in so it was a sexless relationship too. But we were close , and friends, and he would tell me he loved me ,. And I was IN LOVE with him ,,,omg!!! Hook,line,and sink. We were going to get married and live together when my little boy was older. Then out of the blue in January this year,,,,GONE ,,, not returning calls ,yelling at me,hanging up on me,not showing up for plans,,,every stupid lie and alibi in the book. No answers for me. I actually had to call his wife who believed him and I were just work friends. She told me he bought a bottle of Viagra ,moved out on her in the middle of the nite and was dating a 60 year old woman who had some money,a good job, and 2 homes. She had spoken to that woman who said he wants to marry her,live with her and that he loves her!!! He showed her fake divorce papers and said his wife is crazy and still thinks she is married!!!!!he has done nothing but deny seeing this woman,he tells me he lives home,when I know he doesn’t .and just lies and denies everything.his wife told me he hasn’t touched her in the last seven years that they are back together.he only kissed and held me,no other intimacy. He also told me he sold the bottle of Viagra for money and that he cannot take Viagra,,,,,he is a heart patient. I have not seen him or talked much to him in the last 2mths because it was all lies he would tell me anyway. He is trying to keep me stringed along. I was DEVASTATED ,my self worth is shot, depression has set in and I go to a lot of therapy . I at 46 was left for a 60 year old UGLY woman. I know that’s mean but she is sooooo I attractive. I guess she I s his next victim.but what’s gonna happen to me? Someone answer pleeeeease and try to help me… I’m not doing well with this.
Hey Cgrey,
How lucky you are that he is NOT your problem anymore. This is nothing to do with you. Or anything that you have done. I am having my website changed and will be putting in a support forum, so it is easier to find lots of other people to talk to.
They suck you in with charisma, charm, and lies a about a brilliant future and a happy life. They have no commitment to anything and life to them is just a game. Because they do not feel the depth of feelings that you or I do, they do not understand the absolute devastation, destruction that you go through. Because they don’t they don’t care.
They simply put on a new mask, and move on elsewhere.
Does this poem make sense to you?
Everything that comes out your mouth is hot and black like treacle,
Never once have you said anything other than anything deceitful.
You’re poisonous and toxic, dangerous and deceptive,
Consuming all around you and so relentlessly receptive.
Swallowing each indiscretion and choking on your fumes,
While all around you are but pawns for your own use.
Stained with the vague idea that you are a ‘person’
In reality I watch as your psychosis gradually worsen.
The only thing I know for sure; your gender and your name,
Behind closed doors and cold surfaces I watch you shift the blame.
The feelings that you say you feel are all just a charade,
Never once have you been genuine, never let down your guard.
But I’m the one whose laughing now, I’m the one that’s real,
I have the ability to love and to care, the ability to feel.
You’ll never be more than a shadow, a watery reflection in the mirror,
And by default I am everything you’re not; I’ll always be the winner.
That poem is so true. YOU are the winnner now. You will heal and you can recover!! And 46 is still young, you are not old….. I now how much it hurts, I hope that you can be part of our forum support group, when it opens. Its nice to meet you and I am sorry that you are in pain.
Can you help clarify – is the abuser’s charm (or lack of), as a method to control and manipulate, the only distinction between a sociopath and narcissist? I understand a sociopath can exhibit narcissistic traits but can the reverse also be true? Somehow growing up I came to believe that sociopaths were serial killers, animal abusers, pedophiles, etc (dangerous) and narcissists were just vain, arrogant, self absorbed. Now after discovering this network of resources I understand they are actual disorders of the mind that can’t be “worked out” like other relationship hurdles or inevitable life events.Such a great feeling to finally see it was NOT my “paranoia and craziness” that caused her to make the devastating and destructive choices she did, over and over, like I she would convince me was to blame every time her lies and deceit were exposed. Thank you all so much for speaking out, I was really starting to feel like this vacancy in my heart was there to stay forever, The isolation and loneliness has caused me to completely shut down and withdraw from everything, and that’s very unlike me to feel this depressed and hopeless after a break up. Thanks to your stories and voices I know now I’m not alone and will make it through this, *eventually* BIG HUGS :)))
Hi JP I look at the sociopaths ‘charm’ a bit like someone who is grooming someone. To get what they want. All sociopaths are narcissists underneath (not all narcissists are sociopaths) – the sociopath is able to wear a mask of deception to lure and deceive.
robbery it was! he came and utterly destroyed my business by taking things to this contact and that contact who would pay him and i would never see a penny. He took my things saying he’s “supporting” my venture and would tell me all kinds of tales when i asked for payment. he totally ruined me and to this day i have not received any money. He was so sincere i totally fell for it thinking yes, this is a guy who wants to see me succeed. He wants to help. boy, was i wrong! so wrong! My money, my job, my friendships … at one point he told me my best friend offered to sleep with him!!! which made me so mad, i stopped talking to her. because i never dreamed that he would lie about this. i didnt know what he was at the time .. now im picking up the pieces.
Cammy
I hope you get it all back together, and I hope it happens fast for you.. I just narrowly avoided such a situation.. I saw it headed in that direction with my business and it scared me half to death.. Again, I hope you get it all settled and you are repaid what is rightfully yours…
He asked so many questions. He answered all my questions with more questions. I’m on the middle of the web.
Something has happened, a light bulb has gone on, maybe it’s reading this site over and over but I have woken up this morning knowing, really knowing he didn’t ever actually love me. One incident has popped into my brain, he was away “working” (he wasn’t he was away shagging) I’d text him to tell him what an awful day I had, then for one reason or another we couldn’t speak on the phone ( OW probably!!) and next day he had completely forgotten my bad day. Small incident but it has made me remember how he never seemed to care about me or my day etc etc. that’s not love is it? I’m reasonably smart, I work in a caring profession, and yet I have been a complete dumbass where this charmer is concerned.
This lightbulb moment is going to make no contact so much easier, he’s not contacting me because he cares about me, he never did when we were together, why would he now, I am forced to accept the game continues and that helps, really helps.
It took me a week of reading this site to block him on social media, my head believed you, my heart has taken a while to catch up. I don’t want to go completely NC as I am still living in the deluded hope I might get my money back but I did well yesterday and didn’t reply and today will be easier.
Now I need to work on the loving myself bit, I need to learn to enjoy my own company, I’m finding that really hard but now know (thanks to you guys) I am incredibly vulnerable to another one while I feel the “need” for that love and company…I’m listening to you and my heart is finally getting there, thank God for that, and for you.
Might just do a little happy dance xxx
Mama Bear…
Little moments like that will all start to make sense, and the dots start to connect big time. But after you realize it was all a lie, and you have been taken for a ride… that need turns into a bit of anger and at times relief… relief that you can let go and bring that love back in for yourself and heal up.
Back in Feb My Father passed, my second parent I sat and watched pass away. I flew back from being in Florida, put my things away and was just sitting by myself. The ex Soc , comes over acting all caring over the phone, walks in, and right away puts her hands down my sweat pants, all she can think about is having sex… I was FLOORED… I was like… ummmmm.. Are you serious? I just lost my Father , watched him die 2 days ago and all you can think about is getting laid??? Hows that for empathy? That one Ill never forget..
Think back to the important situations where someone would put their own needs and desires on that back burner , and really be there for someone else.. You’ll see they fail the task 100% of the time… It will remove any wonder you might have if it was partially you… and giving them the benefit of the doubt will instantly vanish….
Or even just do/say things that add up to being appropriate to the situation. When I was trying to pass a kidney stone, I hadn’t seen my soc for over a week. He showed up at my door while my parents were visiting (having come 6 hrs to help out) and just dropped in. The next day, he invited me to go for a walk at a place where we’d walked before…while I still hadn’t passed the stone. His own father had had kidney stones so, he knew of the associated pain from that experience. Apparently, it wasn’t registering, nor were my comments about how the ER had tried a couple different pain meds and finally had to give me morphine. Meanwhile, I was still taking a couple hydrocodone and a couple motrin to cut the pain to sleep at night, but a walk?? I wasn’t even collecting the mail by myself.
Mine “forgot” and gave little credence to my troubles routinely. He only ever offered his help when he was trying to loop me in, and out of sight was definitely out of mind. On one occasion, I really wanted to talk about what was going on with my work. We made plans to meet halfway between our houses. He’s always on a delay so, this took a bit to meet up. In the meantime, I guess he forgot the purpose because he never asked me about the problem when we actually met. I didn’t mention it because I kept waiting for him to find the appropriate time for us to discuss… it never came. I told him the next day, “Do you realize you never even asked me about what we originally met to discuss?” He didn’t even know what the topic was. He said, “Well, why didn’t you bring it up?” I said, “Not the point, really.” I knew from then on he was my good-time-when-things-are-light-fairweather-friend.
While I am truly sorry that anyone else has felt like I do I’m eternally grateful to you for sharing this with me, I’m getting better for larger parts of the day …hooray to that!!
Finding no contact quite hard but strangely empowering.
Totally get the ” good time when things are right fair weather friend” so not a true partnership that!!
Hugs x