Reason to be happy – The relationship is OVER!!! 🙂
Silence can be painful at first. Especially if you have been in a relationship with a disordered person. They are dramatic, selfish, and totally self focused. Every day there is constant drama.
When the sociopath leaves, especially if there is sudden discard, you can feel that sense of silence. This can be painful.
What I want you to remember, is that there is peace in silence.
The pain that you feel is the hurt, leaving your body…. in peace and silence you can heal. Do not be afraid of silence, or let thoughts overwhelm you…. try to keep busy.
Now you have time, so much time, it might feel difficult, and lead you to thoughts of your ex. A good idea is to fill this time, with positive loving things for you. Even if your world has been smashed to the ground.
- What do you want to achieve with YOUR life
- See the beauty outside
- Do you have a bike (even a pushbike) …. that buzz as you ride downhill and feel the wind in your hair
- Writing is good therapy. Get your thoughts out there
- Find others who understand, who have been through the same thing. Talk, talking is healing, and you will heal each other
- Would you like to learn a new skill? – What? What are you waiting for? If you don’t have money – online courses. You can always learn new things for free
- Write lists, and cross things off on your list. Small things you want to achieve, make one long term goal
- Look on the internet for things that make you laugh – comedy – youtube – find humour, even for 20 mins a day
- Indulge yourself, candlelit baths, a nice meal
- No MORE stalling for time, wasting time, going round in circles….. you are free!!!
What is important is that you fill your time with things that make you smile. NOT with thoughts of the sociopath (apart from reading to understand) it is important that you move forward – not backwards.
The most important thing about time – is to stay with the present. Right now. As right now is all that you have control over.
Yes, whilst you might be feeling that ‘space’ in your life.If you were cruelly discarded, you might have thoughts that overwhelm you.
The truth is… you have been let out of your cage. The chains are broken. You are FREE!!!
- Freedom to do what you want
- See who you want
- Live your life your own way
- Not be controlled or dominated
- Not be hurt
- Not be put down
- Make your own dreams and plans, without fear of someone else belittling you, or putting you down
- Freedom to spend your own money, the way that you want
- Make your own plans for the future – do you want to travel? Where would you like to go? WRITE IT DOWN… it can happen!!
- Life is an adventure. There is a whole world out there, now you are FREE to find what you are looking for.
- Freedom is liberating – YOU just need to free your chains from the past – let it go… the best is yet to come!
Live for LOVE not in FEAR
The sociopath is very good exploiting your weaknesses, and your emotions to control you. This works by the sociopath focusing on your fears. You have been living your life in fear.
At first when the relationship ends, you still have fear
- What if he returns
- I am scared, I have lost everything
- Believing the negative things that he has said, how you are worthless
- Fearing the future
- Fearing what his next move will be
- Fearing he is right – where are all the people in your life? …. maybe he is right?
- Focusing on the past and loss – rather than focusing on today, and building a bright new future
Living in love is
- Appreciating all the things you still have in your life. At the very least you are alive, it is beautiful world out there, and you are part of this world.
- Feeling that love in your heart, for all the things that you have. Even if they are small things – if you have good health you CAN get out there. So use your legs, and walk
- Feeling love and compassion for others
- Self love
- Seeing the beauty of the world
Fear is paralysing. Freedom is liberating.
You are so much better without the sociopath in your life. Freedom is just a feeling…. but it is an amazing feeling when you embrace it.
Change can be scary. But it is needed. If someone is not treating you right, or valuing you, that person needs to leave your life, to allow new people into your live who will love and value you.
Peace and silence – time – Freedom – changing our thinking from fear to love…. these can all be scary things when you have been in an abusive relationship. You have been dominated and controlled. You are NOT alone, I for one am right there with you.
You can do this, you can rebuild. You can build a new life. You can have a brighter future than what you have experienced in the past.
You can never change the sociopath – but you CAN change YOU!! 🙂
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26 thoughts on “After the sociopath celebrate what you have gained Peace, time, freedom, and love!!”
I try to find the good, but im so scared. I couldn’t even go to work today. He was really cruel this time around too. He cheated, yet again,but got mad at me,even tho i wanted to work things out. He even changed his number on me. I don’t know what to do,
It’s hard isn’t it. When you love someone. Your love is still there. its the same. You just don’t want them to abuse you anymore.
It’s an impossible situation. As it hurts to leave. It hurts to stay. The only thing that you can do, as painful as it sounds. Is to break contact. It is coming out of the fog of the lies, and the manipulation, and then working on YOU, to find yourself again. I know it is hard, but you really can do it, and it is better than living daily with their abuse, manipulation, lies and deception.
Sociopaths are intelligent beings. They know how to trigger certain reactions in the victims. I dated one for three months, the entire relationship was a lie and yet I loved him because I did not know he had a fiancé in another country or that while he was with me he was seeing other girls. That he was just using me for sex and companionship. I found out 7 weeks later. He too deleted me from fb, skype and stopped calling. When he broke up with me he made it seem as if it was my fault. That I was the one that caused him to leave and cheat, but I wasn’t. It took me 7 long weeks to see how much of a monster he was in disguise.
As women we are more vulnerable and as a result when we meet a guy that we attracted to and feel connected to we would tell him all our inner fears, likes, desires etc. Most men do not do so. A sociopath will tell you of a traumatizing time in his life and get you to emphasize with him. Then he will explain that’s why he does this that way.
I found a post online that says ‘’ when God says no say thank you because he knows best’’. Get back in touch with the old you. They have a great way of isolating you from friends and family so when they leave it is like a drug withdrawal you are always tempted to go back. Appreciate life for what is in front of you see the beauty and indulged yourself into it. You deserve to be happy, you are free, enjoy it. Life is too short to be wasting it away in agony, regrets and what ifs. You are beautiful.
Beautiful comment, thank you Haven 🙂
I recently read the following from another blogger I follow which I have printed and placed on my refrigerator, front and center, so I can see and read it every single day as a reminder of why I am better off without my Pathological Narcissist.
“The best revenge is just moving on and getting over it. Don’t give someone the satisfaction of watching you suffer.”
You know that is great advice! Thank you!!!
“Don’t let anyone rent free space in your head, unless they are a good tenant.”
After I threw my ex Sociopath out of MY house (three weeks ago) because of the years of mental and verbal abuse, (it was physical until I had him arrested – to which he begged me to drop the charges) also because he would not work and lived off me for four years. He went to his brothers 400 miles away, who it has to be said, have the look of dread in their eyes when they sees the sociopath coming their way as they knows it’s their turn to be sponged off! Of course he’s the victim of this wicked woman! But he doesn’t tell them that this wicked woman has been left emotionally and mentally broken on anti depressants and counting the cost to her bank account. He doesn’t tell them that his last words to me was. “look at you – you fat, ugly bitch. Who the hell would want you, i’m off to start a new life and I won’t be looking back.” He even told me he may even go back to his ex. The Ex he drained of cash too. The ex who apparently has a CASTLE in South Africa, is a rich as the Onassis family and the Ex I will never be as good as and am not fit to clean her shoes! This is the ex who RANG me begging me for money as she’d spent all her money on him!!!
Well, of course he managed to look after himself and somehow has ended up working in Poland! (Amazing how he can find work when he HAS to!) He had no contact with me for the first few days (The silent treatment aimed at hurting me) But, true to form he couldn’t help but telephone me to gloat that he has landed on his feet. At first I was shocked and hurt and wondered how he could just move on so quick without even a second thought for me. I tried calling him and tried to get the answer but he just snarled down the phone that he has a new life now! I felt my stomach churn and could feel my heart breaking. I had no contact from him for two more days until two days ago. He called to tell me that he was getting a new phone and would call me to give me the new number because he still loves me.
It was like a light was suddenly switched on in my brain. I knew straight away why he wanted me to have his number. He can’t keep a job and want’s me as a back up position and probably even be expected to pay his air fair back. (as i’ve done so before) Of course it would be ME having to phone him, picking up the cost of the calls along the way. I put the phone down and then took it off the hook. He started calling my mobile and leaving frantic messages demanding to know why my telephone was engaged and who was I with so I blocked his NEW number from my mobile phone. My landline is still off the hook and I know he has had me on repeat dial calling every two minutes only to get the engaged tone. I intend to keep it this way until my number is changed in four days time.
I have to say, I got up yesterday morning feeling GREAT. I put the radio on and danced around the kitchen. I then went and had my hair cut, had a pedicure and went on a clothes shopping spree spending MY money on ME for a change. It felt sooooo good. Now i’m typing this and feeling great that I have ME back and he is running around like a headless chicken wondering what the hell is going on and how could I close the door on him this way. (and for sure he won’t be getting anymore answers from me) Anyway, he “has a new life” now, so he gloated… Get on with it!
Thanks for the advice. It’s just really hard. The first time he cheated, i was hospitalized. …..im a cutter. Since finding out about the second time he cheated, i have to push through the days and not cut again.
Are you BPD ami? Sociopaths and BPD can have quite an explosive relationship.
Bipolar? No. Just clinical depression and anxiety
Hi there! So glad to find out about Facebook group…I am wondering if all of my FB friends will know about my membership with this group or not..I am not sure if I want to disclose my tragedy to all of them, even though I have a handful of them that might know already. I just don’t want to cause worries to my family back in my country of origen, like my siblings and Mother. Thanks so much for such an outstanding work you are doing!
You do gain peace, love, respect, and freedom, you are no longer burdened by all the negative drama. We wete togethet for 24yrs but we were broken up for 3 and thats only because he wad in jail. When we got back together in 10 months he had 3 different women. 2 of them knrw me and was aware we were marrird, so I felt disrespected two times, by him and by her, me and her had an argument, again I left him. Hes back in jail and will be out July 19th next month. I keep on doing the no contact thing. He erote letters and I brung them to the police dept. We have a restaining order, tbis sicks I just wanted him to love me like I loved him, but I know now that will never happen. I will just have to stay strong for my own sanity, because of him I now have anxiety and am taking celexa. On judgement day God will see to it that for once he will be held accountable as thry all will be. Goodluck to every woman and man on tbis site. You eill meet the right person for you…much love, bewildered.
THat is a lot to go through Bewildered and you deserve a medal for sticking with it for 24 years if it was 24 years of sociopathic behaviour.
Yes it was nothing but sociopathic behavior. But all these yrs. I knew someyhing was wrong with him, but didnt know about thos disode until I googled ASPD, anti social personalitu disorder on wikipedia did I realize OMG this is him. Cluster b, very dramatic, erratic, deceitful everuthing was him to a t. I went on a site called lovefraud.com and learned so much and one day while still studying tbis behavior, been doing that for 4 months now I stumbled upon this site, I was so happy to share my life experiences with tons of people who have been rhrough this devastation we thought was a relationship. I have been so traumatized finding out about other woman, other families, the smesr campaign I went through right before he went back to jail, so so much bullsht, but Im tough and mentally strong, but tbis spath gave me anxiety, thank God for celexa, as far as reading these heartbreaking stories where the wife lost thousands of dollars or lost her house and car thats never happened to me cant lose what u dont have, that probably would ha e happened to me had I had them tbings. But he stole something much worse from me, he totally ruined my whole family, our relationship (if u can call it that) whole bunch of stuff hapoened to me that I wasnt expecting. No contact is a beautiful thing and if he comes around I will call the cops and bring out tbat good ole restai.ing order. Im doing well no, I have grieved it was like a death of some one I thought I knew, byt it was the ole Ronald McDonald as u put it, thats brilliant, I crack up everytime I see it. I suppose I will meet mr right someday, not looking right now ,need to find me and Im having fun being free. Peace an love to all on this site.
Good for you….. the amount that they do is stunning. Absolutely shocking that someone would do ONE of the things that they do EVER in their life. But a sociopath appears to be able to do an ongoing list of ruining and carnage. Turning worlds upside down 😦
I have just finished with the divorce after 28 years of abuse. I have understood what I was dealing with for about ten years now. My X wife took everything from me including my money, my house, and worst of all my daughter. But now things are getting a little better each day. I keep reading, keep praying, and everyday I say to myself “I am back Bitch.”
Good for you!! 🙂
I can’t believe what I’m reading here. I’ve been through all that. I broke up 2 months for the 5th time. He was never physically abusive but he played mind games, was very cheap, cheated on me constantly and would look me in the eye and say “you are the most important person in my life and in spite of all the ev idence, I have never cheated on you” I never actually caught him, just saw plenty of signs in his house…..strange hairs, a face cloth in his bath tub when he doesn’t use face cloths, water marks on his night table.
I remember when we started going out he wanted me around every minute of the day but he would play mind games like when I was speaking he would cut me off and say something else and then look at me and say “now what were you saying”? Anybody else ever have that?.
I think I am finally over him. He hasn’t bothered me much this time. because I told him if he sent me any nasty emails like he did in past break-ups, I would go to the police. I still miss him. He convinced me that he loved me more than anything in the world. We did a lot of travelling together, but I always paid my share. Now I’ m alone but I’m feeling great. I realize now that he drained my energy.
I am so grateful for this site. I can relate to everything I read here. 2 months ago, I said to him “who are you? I don’t even know who you are anymore”.
The best of luck to everyone and in time you will get over the louse. I’m almost there. One thing I feel very secure about – I will never go back to him again. I said that before but now, after knowing so much more about spaths, I feel in my heart that I’m almost free.
Hi Regina, welcome to the site. It is good to read that you are feeling your energy lifted. You are right they do suck the life out of you. The peace that you feel without them… can be bliss, just don’t let your mind play tricks and go back…. you are moving in the right direction…. go you!! Sounds like you are valuing you, and your own company and the peace that can bring!!! 🙂
Your blog have helped me more in a few days, than any therapist could ever do for the last 7 years of my life. It truly saved my life!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this blog, for your amazing work. You are a hero and an angel, a great healer of our time.
Being able to read the truth, seeing the truth put in words, are so good therapy. Its so simple, but so powerful! The thoughts I have had about my experiences, is finally being acknowleded and put in order though reading your words. It calmes the chaos in my head, and creates new understanding and a remembering of who I really am, in my core. I can finally feel myself agin, more than I have in as long as I can remember. It is not me its something wrong with, its all them, the mentally disturbed peoples I have had in my life. And this is true, its not my fault at all, its all them! Im so happy I am allowed to say that.
What brought me to this blog, was the difficult breakup of my recent relationship, with a guy who I now know for sure is a sociopath. In a way, I can thank him a lot for all that he did to me though. It have led me to great healing, not only of the wounds caused by our relationship, but I can now understand my feelings and everything I went through the last 7 years, in a whole new light. Its like a circle, finally being closed, and a new chapter is starting in my life.
It all started when I was 19. I was smoking some weed in the summer, and bought it a few times from this guy, who turned out to be a pure psykopath. I dont understand how it happen, but he managed to manipulate and twist my brain so much around, that I ended up living in his house for about 6 weeks. He mooved out of my apartment, sold all my stuff, killed one of my cats, turned me against my parents and broke me down so much I did not even remember how to talk in the end. My brain was kind of damaged, I had huge blackouts of my past. I was like a newborn child, having to learn everything again.
I was saved from that place thanks to a friend and my grandmother who called the police. I should have been in rehab after that, but noone understood what had happen to me, they thougt it was my own fault, that it was me it was something wrong with, and I started to think so too. Struggeling with so much shame and guilt, and feelings of being stupid and worthless.
Many people said that it could never have happen to them. But it can happen to anyone. I also ended up with a lot of huge acne in my face, as a physical responce to all of the intense emotional and physical trauma. And then people belived it was because I was a drug addict, which was really humiliating to me.
After I got out of there the psykopath went all over town, telling horrible and stupid lies about me to everyone I know. Because he was acting so normal and charismatic around people, everyone belived him. I was the crazy person. It totally ruined my life, on all levels.
He treatened to kill me a lot, and I mooved from the town a few weeks later, to hide from him. He is jail now and have been to a mental institution where they lobotomated him with drugs, so im safe now.
It was a long and terrible journey after that, to heal and become myself again. Its the hardest thing ever. Esecially since I had no true support, since noone totally understood what I had been through, not even the 5 different psycologists I had.(They should have had your blog in their curriculum!) I really belived for years, it was something very wrong with me. I had a few relationships in those 7 years, all of them have been with guyes having narsisistic and sociopathic tendencies. But nothing as bad as the psycopath. They actually assisted me in my healing process in some ways. I attracted them into my life, because I needed more healing.
The last two years, I have started to do better. My brain is finally healed from a lot of the issues. For a while I have been able to talk to groups of people without blushing f.eks. I have been in the last parts of my healing process, but it felt like it was going really slow the last months, before I went travelling in december 2012. On that travel, I met the last sociopath I will ever be with.
He was a hardcore sociopath. He has almost all the traits. I did not know about people like this. I only knew a little bit about psykopaths. Well, I could talk about all the shit this guy said and done for days. But I will just give you a short story. You all know how they are anyway… He made me fell in love with him, by mirroring all that I want in a guy. The same spiritual belifes and everything. I belived I had finally met the man of my dreams….haha…I was so naive, and a easy pray for him.
Everything was so amazing between us for a few weeks, until I got sick. That was when he started to break down his mask. He could not handle having to take care of me. I almost died, because he did not want to take me to the hospital. He said he didnt belive in doctors, and arrogantly belived his tea and ranom homeopathic remidies could cure my e-coli. Someone forced him to take me to a doctor in the end, and I got antibiotics. During my recovery, he had no empathy for me at all.
Made me babysit his needy 5 year old child all the time for hours, because he needed some time for himself. I even had do go get food for his child many times, while I could hardly walk. Why I didnt tell him to get the hell away from me after this, I dont understand. I was already so caught up in everything, and also felt so bad for his child. And inbetween all the arguments and he leaving us for hours, he was sometime his old self, that I was in love with. He was playing victim and all those other things, and I was comforting him. I travelled with them for about a month more after that. I never got 100% well again, and he could not handle it at all, it was so much drama, every day. I used all my money, on hotels and stuff for us, and I had to pay for his child all the time.
Then I found out I was pregnant. When I told him, he became happy. Not a normal reaction after all we had been through. He said he had wanted another child for a while. A girl, because he had a boy already. He said so much stupid things. Like he would take the child away from me and go to live in India. After all he said, I think he maybe made me pregnant on purpose behind my back. After a while I got sick with kidney infection because of dehydration, and went to the hospital by myself. My insurance company then got me some tickets to go home. We had been making plans to meet soon after they got back to europe, but it never happened. He was changing between writing me horrible and loving emails. Saing goodbye for good, like 4 times, but still coming back apologising. Dealing with all the stress from him, not understanding anything about what have happened to me the last months, at the same time as being pregnant, have been really hard. Sometimes I wouldnt hear from him for weeks, finally starting to heal a little, and then he could suddenly call and pretend like nothing had happened, breaking me down again.
After a while I started to realise something was not normal at all, and after I ended up at this blog, all my illusions falled away quickly… and Im now back in reality! I have blocked my email, and have established NO contact, and are going to stick with that for now. He doesnt care about the child at all anyway, especially since it is a boy and not the girl he wanted! My child is so much better of without him. He has already ruined his other son. But if my child wants to meet him one day when he gets older, I will of course work something out. But hopefully after I have healed proparly, a good normal man will take the role as his father, and his biological father can serve the role of just a sperm donor…. Its sad, but it could be worse. If I had to coparent with him, I dont know what I would have done.
Luckily I am free now, and have my whole life ahed of me! I finally have access to the last pices inside of me, the basics that will start building the foundations of my new life. I feel so powerful. For the first time in ages, I feel like I dont miss having a man in my life. I want to focus only on myself, and my own healing. I want to focus on creating my new life. I have access to so much more happiness inside me now. I feel so hopeful for the future! It will take more time before I am there compleatly, but I enjoy the ride now. I can see and feel glimpses of the future im heading towards. I am finally ready. Ready to be me and to be free to live my life the best way that I know for me!
Thank you for your help. I am etarnally grateful.
Thank you Sikaia. I wonder from what you write if you have ever been diagnosed with PTSD? (post traumatic stress disorder). It sounds as if you have been through a lot. Try this test and see how you score. http://www.healthyplace.com/psychological-tests/ptsd-test/
Thank you for your comment, and welcome to the site, I hope that you find support here 🙂
Once again, a great article. When the ex-bf left me, I felt so empty and sad, but what it turned out to be was that he was no longer dominating my life, time and energy with his constant, toxic drama and chaos – he was relentless, and became hateful when I got too close to the truth. He did leave me quite drained, however. Up until I found out quite by accident (6 weeks after the fact) that he got married a mere 13 weeks after he broke up with me (at a destination wedding – apparently it takes 12 weeks to get approved to get married in that country) he was still trying to “stay friends” via phone calls at work and emails. There was obviously motives behind trying to maintain a friendship with me, probably so he wouldn’t have to pay back the money he owed me (thankfully, I have managed to recover most of it)
What is really ironic is that he and his new wife, who knew when we broke up because they were already together, lost everything in a really bad flood in my city (I “innocently” texted him late one night, and she responded on his phone – so obviously she doesn’t trust him, either). She seemed pretty pleased with herself, though, that he was cheating on me with her, so obviously they are cut from the same cloth. But then again, who knows what he told her about me.
The point I’m trying to make is that no normal person can ever really understand the sociopath, because most of us have morals and values and we are not wired to use and abuse people.
I have rediscovered that living well is the best revenge. Karma is more of a bitch than I’ll ever be, and it seems he is realizing the whole “what goes around comes around” philosophy since he and the new missus lost everything (it was actually her house, which he moved into within 2 weeks of breaking up with me. I hear it’s now inhabitable. Oh well)
I am getting back to myself, and rediscovering my own hopes and dreams. I have made wonderful new friends (that he never would have fit in with) and am making plans for my future. My eyes sure will be wide open the next time I meet a man, and I doubt I will be so easily mislead. (fingers crossed)
I was deeply grieved while in my relationship with a sociopath. I awalys knew there was something extremely “off” about the man I was involved with. The last year we were together I started to see more and more. I used to cry all the time beucase I was so miserable. I finally left him. He was so mad. I told him I just want to start my life over. He hung up on me. However, about a month or so later I emailed him cause he owed me money and to give him closure which is exactly what he was waiting for. I laid it out for him but I never apologized. 5 months later I couldn’t understand why I kept thinking about him. Just thoughts lingering around in my head, as if there was some unfinished business. So I prayed about it, I asked god to help me understand. The next day “Sociopath” came to mind very strongly. I spend 9 hours straight doing extensive research. Every single thing I read was the man I was with for 3 years. He was a liar and he was very secretive. He figure if things weren’t mentioned than he wasn’t lying. He was friends with ALL KINDS of exes. I knew for a long time he was messing around. I denied, it over and over. He was mean spirited. Now that my eyes are open to understanding the damaged caused by this man, I’m able to stop blaming myself, work on me, and move forward. I wish this for all of you going through this as well. May god bring clarity, peach and comfort from this experience to all of you.
Hi mindful thank you for your story and welcome to the site 🙂 thank you for your comment.