The three words ‘I love you’ are meant to be special, intimate. To the sociopath ‘I love you’ means something entirely different.
When you first meet the sociopath, he spends a lot of time, listening, reflecting, mirroring.
- Listening to what you say (to discover what your needs and wants are)
- Reflecting (Offering you back what you need and want)
- Mirroring (mirroring your body language, repeating back to you what you are saying, ‘active’ listening skills)
Love is a really important game to the sociopath in dating. Without love the sociopath loses their power.
A sociopath will constantly say ‘I love you’….. what this actually means is ‘do you love me’…. he is constantly checking whether you love him. He needs you to love him, as when you do, you are rendered ‘weak’
You are fooled into thinking this is a genuine love connection. The sociopath mirrors all of the reactions that people do when they are genuinely in love.
- Wants to spend all of their time with you
- Appears interested in you and your interests
- Appears to share similar interests, goals, and morals
- Tells you constantly that they love you
- Showers you with attention and flattery
- Fakes that they will help you to fulfil your dreams
- Is very helpful and useful
With this belief that you have met someone who seems so perfect for you, you feel safe to let down your guard, and fall subsequently in love with the sociopath.
If you have been in a relationship with a sociopath, you will notice that they constantly say ‘I love you’, this leads you to feel some sense of responsibility for the sociopath, and that you should love them back. This is part of the manipulation and control.
The sociopath constantly checks what you are feeling about them, and if you are in love with them. When you are in love, you are rendered ‘weak’. This is in reality how the sociopath sees you.
There is a saying ‘crazy in love’ and being in love, can be a temporary form of ‘madness’ where we can lose ourselves in the moment of ‘love’.
Love is important to most humans, especially women. We all have the need to love, and to be loved.
The sociopath abuses this. This is what can leave victims feeling both confused, and lacking in belief that the person they are in love with is actually a sociopath after all your partner was so:
- ‘Loving and caring’
- Helpful
- Focused on you (giving you the illusion that they were as into you as you were them’
- Moralistic
The person behind the mask is rarely seen. If you imagine the Wizard of Oz….. you are lured in and left spell bound by what you see in front of the curtain….. but when Dorothy pulled back the curtain, she saw a very different person operating the machine.
This is exactly what the sociopath does. He uses LOVE and fakes love, to
- Get you to fall in love
- So that (if you are in love) you feel a responsibility for him, and are weak
- Manipulate you
Because the sociopath has no conscience, he doesn’t care whether this causes you pain. The sociopath thrives to
- Be in control
- To win
Duping others, conning, and winning, obtaining what he wants by deception can give the ultimate high (see also sociopath’s dupers delight and the joy of conning someone). They suffer from boredom, and are not restricted by either
- Moral compass, responsibility for anyone else
- Emotions and feelings for anyone else except themselves
Whilst you are going headlong into the relationship with the sociopath, losing your head and falling in love, the sociopath will fake that he is in love. He will fake this so very well, that it will feel like a soul mate connection.
Why victims stay in the relationship with the sociopath
The reason why victims stay with the sociopath, is because of the poker effect. Once the mask begins to slip, the victim has fallen in love with the ‘illusion’ that the sociopath has sold to the victim. Everybody needs ‘closure’ but there can be no closure with the sociopath. You are in love with simply an illusion. The sociopath will give you back niceness, kindness, and fake love again, to lengthen his time with you. This is simply because the sociopath does not want to lose source for supply. This is all that you are to the sociopath, ‘a source for supply’.
This reminds me of the fairy tale of The Emperors New Clothes, where the Emperor is conned that his invisible clothes are made from silk and gold. He walks proudly in his new outfit, despite that he had doubts, he did not listen to himself. Allowed himself to listen to the swindlers, rather than his own intuition, his pride did not want to see the truth, until a child shouts from the crowd ‘that man is not wearing any clothes’
We are too often deluded in the search for love. We do not want it to be true, that we have met someone who has used us, and conned us, and that we were foolish to believe the lies that were told to us. That the lies opened our hearts, and we willingly let somebody use and abuse us. That nothing was true.
We do not want to appear foolish. We want what we have believed to be the truth. The sociopath can get further ‘dupers delight’, if the truth is uncovered, and he manages to convince you that he does actually ‘love you’, and you then stay for an extended period of time.
A sociopath cannot love in the traditional way that you are sold LOVE. Love to the sociopath means three things:
- Control
- Ownership
- Source for supply
The sociopath would never admit this to you. It can be so hurtful, that you do not want to admit this truth to yourself. The sociopath, when the truth starts to be uncovered, will continue to sell you the lie, and even go to further lengths to prove that his lies are true.
Your weakness, is not only that you are in love (which is why the sociopath constantly checks that you are in love with them), but also pride. Once you know the truth, and understand and accept this, that it is NOT you. That what you experienced was not real. You had simply been played as part of the biggest illusion on earth, you can start to let go.
To let go, you need to accept the truth, to establish no contact. To put into place a recovery plan.
See also How to heal and recover from dating a sociopath
The sociopath does not and cannot experience love. Unless love to you, means ownership and control?
Ownership and control, is sadly, not love.
Words copyright © datingasociopath.com 2013
Dating a Sociopath 
And I rest my point.
Good. We have the same ppint then
Sociopaths can love. It is a fact. It may not be the most healthy love, but it is love. A sociopath is not always trying to trick you, and you saying that they are is cruel and discriminatory . Sociopaths lack empathy, not emotion. A sociopath is still human.
Hahahaha Hahaha Hahaha! You are destructive, self seeking, emotionless, heartless idiots! Run along. 😉
In response to Penny’s response to Morvana’s comment. And they call us psycho/sociopaths the heartless ones?! Wow! That was the most heartless and uneducated reply I’ve seen! Are you sure you’re not a socio Penny?
Oh, ouch!
Agreed,
This is coming from a sociopath.
38 white male
Yes I agree with you, they love rather intensely. Yet if you are in love with a sociopath the best advice I can give is to keep your distance, accept them for who they are, and work on yourself and loving yourself. A lot of the times people with loving caring nature’s are drawn to sociopaths, especially masochists or martyrs because they feel heroic in their suffering and abuse, but both the sociopath and masochist are killing each other cannot be healthy together. When we are drawn to these kinds of people we normally suffer from lack of self esteem and worth. It’s best to learn from the important lesson the sociopath taught you, what wasn’t unconditional love and that you deserve to love yourself, something that the sociopath is incapable of because they rarely can unconditionally love and if they do they are terrified of this emotion because they feel like they are the ones being used and controlled. Treat the sociopath with empathy and respect when you see them but also keep your distance from them don’t get too close and focus on yourself most importantly.
MRI’s prove differently.
Thank you for this, it was actually more upsetting reading articles like this this which convinced me that the deception and games were much much more than in reality they turned out to be. Nothing is black and white and mental disorders like this have an enormous sliding scale. (conscious awareness and intelligence… high or low functioning every human is different) I needed the chaos in my life to distract me from cancer. I let him back in when it suited me too. (I was addicted to the love bombing stage… I would leave just to reset the clock because I knew I would get the good stuff again after a break) I could take out my rollercoaster emotions around the cancer on him because he wasnt affected or terrified by them as most men would be. We used each other.
I used to think this Lucy, i used to think, and perhaps in some senses it was true, that it was a great distraction from grieving the death of my daughter. Highly charismatic and charming. I had lots of fun, and laughed a lot. But this is looking back with rose coloured glasses. In reality, it took me years to recover. Also in reality, would never know the amount of damage that is caused to you, until the truth slowly comes out. A lot of the truth will never come out. They destroy lives, deliberately, for fun. While smiling to your face, and being your greatest support system. So you think. Anything else is just an illusion. See how fast they move onto someone else, to see how genuine their love bombing and love was for you. This particular post was written in 2013, he was still around, would be until January 2016. I do agree they have no fear. So can cope with situations perhaps others can’t they can walk pathways with you, that perhaps others would run from. He walked through a legal case surrounding death of my daughter with me. For that, I am grateful. I don’t look back with anything bad, but it is what it is. They use people. For their own manipulative gain. That is all it is, if it wasn’t you, it would be someone else. I don’t think anybody needs constant chaos in their lives, it causes anxiety, panic attacks, and for some also PTSD. These affects can take years to recover from. This is just my view. i am 4 years free, 3 years totally free. I used to think we used each other, but really, my life didn’t need the additional stress, and it took me a long time in therapy to see this.
I’m also a sociopath and I godda say just because I don’t feel empathy for my girlfriend or have remorse when I hurt her unintentionally doesn’t mean I don’t love her yes i do hurt peoples feelings but it’s usually not intentional it’s simply because i don’t understand how my actions or words could possibly hurt someone’s feelings because i don’t experience those negative feelings so how can i sit back and think hmmmm that might make them cry when it wouldn’t make me cry? It’s not that i want the people in my life to be upset or hurt and it’s not that I don’t care that i hurt their feelings it’s just that i don’t think it will because it wouldn’t hurt me I want my friends girlfriend And family to be happy not hurt is that not love? Wanting the other person to be happy just because I want them to be happy so they make me happy doesn’t mean it’s not real love my point is I love my girlfriend very intensely and do what I can to make her happy I just don’t understand how my actions or words could possibly hurt her feelings because the same thing wouldn’t hurt mine and no I don’t feel guilty or feel her pain when she cry’s but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her it’s just not in a way that most people would understand and that’s why you people don’t think we can love because you simply don’t understand the way we love because you’re brains are just wired definitely than ours there for you just don’t get it
Surely this should be gender neutral? Not all sociopaths are men.
We know this….
Im high functioning sociopath and feel something for my gf. I dont wanna lose her and I care about her. Still im very manipulate etc.. Is that love?
What does she give you that you want? What benefit is there for you being with her?
Anyway u are. So stop being morally outraged. Thanks.
sociopaths can indeed fall seriously in-love and it does complicate things more then you can even imagine.
Would you like to explain?
Skycap doesn’t seem to have replied to your inquiries on how socios/psychos falling in love can make things complicated. (Or at least I haven’t seen it yet) I am a psychopath (socios are from nurture, psychos are born this way – this webmd explains that more: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/sociopath-psychopath-difference.) For me, when one of us falls in love it complicates things because it’s intense and you don’t want to let go of it. It makes it harder to make rational decisions at times, because although we lack empathy, we DO CARE how our actions affect someone we love. With that being said, if the person we love hurts us, I don’t know about others, but I go into a “survival mode” of some sorts where I flip a switch, so to speak, forcing myself to not care about that person anymore. So yes, it’s complicated. And that’s only one person’s views on why it is. I’m sure there’s more.
Hello, haven’t seen you for a while. Must be years. Or it seems like it. But do you only care, if it is affecting YOU…
@positivagirl yes, it’s been a bit since I’ve last commented, hasn’t it? I’ve missed you too!!! I always read the comments and your blogs that I get email notifications about. I comment when I feel inclined. And it has been years since this blog has started, but the comments have definitely been an interesting follow since then.
To answer, of course I care if it affects more than just me. When I love someone, it’s an intense obsession, so you could say I care very much. I will not put myself in harms way or anything, though, if that’s what you mean.
Can I ask how falling in love makes things complicated? Does it have the ability to open up other emotions? Or is it a conflicted of interests so to speak?
Can you explain how falling in love makes things complicated? Does it have the ability to open new emotions? Or is it a conflicted of interest?
When a sociopath keeps telling you that you love him and that he’s known for awhile, what does that mean? What is he saying? I care about him a lot, but I don’t think its love.
He is telling you that you love him?
Along with what @crimegeek19 said … Yes, there is a higherachy of humans. Anyone who does not recognize this is living in ignorance bliss. I’m not saying it is right or that it is wrong, but it is so. Wouldn’t you agree that a person who doesn’t make decisions based on their own emotions is a better leader? I actually pity those who have been led by their heart to such obviously horrible decisions. So in many ways, yes, being able to act without emotion makes one superior to others.
No I think you need empathy for others to be a good leader. I expect you think that Donald Trump would be a good leader?
God no. 😂 He’s most definitely got psychopathic traits, and may even be one, but he gets on my last nerve. Most other psychopaths get on my nerves though. When it comes to politics, I really don’t care who’s in charge as long as it doesn’t directly affect my every day living.
Interesting perspective. The strongest leader is not one void of emotion to make decisions. Hes the one who knows emotion all to well, yet is still able to make the tough decision. One with out emotion is an un evolved precursor of human kind. As every other, excuse me, most humans grow from experiences, so should our leaders. Superior? Jesus….
I agree. To consider ones self superior because you are able to act without emotion – but not take into account that you can very much feel yourself and have operated as such unceasingly your whole life without a second thought of others… doesnt seem wise.
How can you act unselfishly with a complete lack of practise and understanding in empathy. Because the world doesmt revolve around any one person you cant lead selfishly. Empathy teaches so much as well.
…The reason empaths bang their heads on walls after hours of trying to explain things to a sociopath with a blank stare. They really dont understand a lot.
It’s pretty nïave and grandious to think a lack of experience in something makes someone superior.
I agree a great leader is someone who can do well with the whole pie 🙂
Hitler was a psychopath with no emotion. Did he make a good leader?
Respectfully, Hitler’s personality profile is most definitely NOT a psychopath; psychopaths are not racist in the least. Psychopaths are wholly and entirely predatory and they do not see race, gender, religion, etc. or the other social hierarchies with which narcissists (like Hitler, who was a malignant narcissist) are obsessed (and I do mean obsessed in the literal sense, and Hitler’s extreme scapegoating of the Jews should illustrate that point for you so that it makes sense).
Psychopaths are predators; they see opportunities, they see wealth, they see power, and they get bored ridiculously easy…I mean they have a level of boredom that most of us would never be able to comprehend. You can call a psychopath a lot of things, but one thing that is wildly inaccurate is that they could ever be racist. Their brain simply does not function in that fashion.
Psychopaths see others as a competitor-predator or prey….quite simply…and they do not give a damn what race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation anyone is, all they care about is greed, power, and alleviating their extreme boredom. Psychopaths don’t even have a true sexual orientation. They’ll screw anything or anyone that intrigues or arouses them, even a tree (yes, it’s a rather odd paraphilia if you care to Google it).
You’re (unknowingly) insulting psychopaths when you compare them to narcissists.
That means people are disposable to the sociopath and they are just wasting their time allowing themselves to live a lie and never know when they are going to abandoned. This is BS once again. Manipulation to try and convince others you “think” you are superior because you get away with lying your way through life. Why not channel this characteristic into something more beneficial rather than break hearts and leave a trail of misery.
Agreed I am so broken hearted and my stomach feels so queezy.
Sometimes emotions are based on prior experience.. and history repeats itself.
Oh god no, I can’t stand any of the candidates, especially Donald Trump! But I do feel a leader who can make sound and rational decisions with everyone’s well-being in mind, and not just matters of how it will make themselves or others feel, but truly what is the most practical and best solution, is the best all around.
Isn’t Donald Trump the type of person to rule without empathy? What is the difference?
The difference is he’s an idiot. He’s famous for his tv shows, that doesn’t make him a fit for presidency.
He is an idiot but I would say that all narcissist are. Not that this site is about narcissism psychos hide their intentions better and keep their true self’s hidden narcissist just say it.
I do agree doesn’t make him fit for presidency. He is going to flip if he doesn’t get in 🙂 he doesn’t lose.
Yes I really don’t care who wins, since I don’t care for any of the candidates, but I am hoping he doesn’t win.
I… I think I’m a sociopath. I relate to all of those things exact the using part .. I love my boyfriend, he’s my world. but I do do all of those things quite a bit, always have to tell him how much I love him and always HAVE to know how he feels about me. Can I ” cure ” this ?
https://datingasociopath.com/2013/03/13/can-a-sociopath-change/
How sad. Ive just experienced all this for the first time. I didnt think sociopaths were able to love?
I don’t think their definition of love is the same as ours frost. They only know what they know. There are also different types, and varying degrees. You can have a disempathetic sociopath, they can have empathy and care for those in a close social group.
Disempathetic sociopath, again this all blown up in my face recenlty haven’t heard that yet. She literally is the poster child for socoiopath, it saddens me beyond belief to have to come to grips with this. Then to read that everything was high as. It’s overwhelming after 9 years. I’m spinning in circles… I guess there isn’t much of a point in understanding.
Hey this is normal where you are right now. Stay with it. Keep going. It is confusing (look up the fog of confusion). It gets better, as you separate and detach from them more.
I’ve raised her son since he was 2, only father he’s known. I’d imagine I don’t have a choice but say goodbye for him, at least for now?
I don’t know what the answer is. Always do whatever is in the best interests of the child.
I don’t believe I can any longer. As sad as that is. Thank you for taking the time.
Regards
@paul kress – on your rant about psychopaths having children – I agree! This is EXACTLY why I don’t want children. My boyfriend wants to get married and have kids so badly. I have put it off and will continue to. I’ve weighed the options of adopting an older child that will be out of the house for college within a few years; that’s honestly the closest desire I’ve had to having children, and even then I would probably tire of it. However, I know myself well enough to know that having a child, or even adopting one, would most likely be the wrong decision for both myself and the child. I will most likely use this as my excuse for breaking up with my boyfriend one day. He wants children, and I do not – simple.
Wow….I am an intelligent women and I cannot believe my bf of more than 3 years is a sociopath. I stumbled onto sociopath by googling his behavior. So nothing about this relationship has been real? We have a business venture we started together so should I buy him out and just end this now? This is unbelievable.
How long have you been in the business together, and how much has he financially contributed towards the business? What makes you think he is a sociopath?
Hello Lilbit,
i to had the holyshit experience when reading about Sociopaths. everything was not just accurate it was like it was written about her. this is sad but i allowed it for nine years. my insides were in constant turmoil. im still trying to put my head around the relationship not being real.. Was there really nothing, nothing at all?
Hello Lilbit….message to self… funny to see this post after almost 4 years. I finally left my bf last November and have turned the corner on this relationship. The hardest part was to comprehend someone who could pretend, fake, lie so well and just not care about anything but their well being. I am not crazy, just made the mistake of falling in love with someone who did not deserve my so very loving self. I researched everywhere trying to understand why he is this way and it seems genetics and-or his upbringing. Not a choice for him; a victim of circumstances. Maybe I’m way off but I know I can’t give anymore of myself to this toxic situation or I will become sick. I tried to move the relationship to business partners but realized that would not work either. So I am doing what needs to be done and moving forward with the business on my own….i hurt, but living in Westworld is not an option.
Ok, this is mostly true, but we are capable of loving/caring about others in our own way even if we lack empathy. We might not know how to genuinely understand how to love or care. Having some sort of “control” over someone is sometimes are only way of knowing we can trust an individual with our “true identity” (at least for me it is). My best friend who I consider my brother, knows who/how I really am on all aspects of my being and he accepts me for me 100% even though he’s cautious with most of my intentions and the things I say, he tries to understand. He’s thhe only person that I consider family who’s never told me that I “need” to change who I am for whatever reason. That’s the kind of validation that I needed to realize that I can care about someone merely becauase he accepts the fact that I’m a sociopath.
This is really helpful. Thank you. Esp as you say “having control is only way can trust them with your true identity”. I hadnt thought of it like that. I wrote post recently when post is most hidden is where there is least connection to you. This would make sense. I was the only one who knew his true identity. So do you try to control your best friend?
I am in love with a sociopath. I know leaving him and never looking back is what is best for me, but that is not the type of person I am. It pains me that someone is incapable of feeling love. It saddens me that you can’t help it and there is nothing that can be done. I want to help but I do not know how or if I should, but I don’t want someone to face this alone. Any advice?
I can relate. My biggest regret so far is falling for a S/P, loving someone who can’t and won’t love u back.
Yes, that was the hardest part. Even when you escape and they find a new victim, your mind can play tricks. But they are very good at their game. Its really sad.
We can love when we chose to. If we chose to love someone, they’ve got to be pretty damn special, it’s not just anyone we give our vulnerability to. You make us socio- and psychopaths (me) look like we are incapable of love, and that is just not the case.
What do you mean, if you choose to?
Love isnt something that you switch on and off like a light switch.
@positivagirl everyone has a point at the beginning of a relationship where they make a choice to let themselves either fall for the person or move on. It IS a choice. After that, the vulnerability that goes along with that love is a scary thing for anyone. A psychopath is rationally minded and is not going to allow themselves to fall for someone unless they REALLY want to. Socios are a little more unstable, they might, but I know a psychopath would think things through very thoroughly before getting involved emotionally with someone. So yes, we can love. We just are more careful about WHO and WHEN we love, because it’s not just anyone we’ll give that vulnerable openness to. Think of it as someone who’s been broken hearted several times, they are not going to easily just give up their heart to anyone again. I hope I’ve put it into laymen’s terms for you. ❤
I am in love with a sociopath. I know leaving him and never looking back is what is best for me, but that is not the type of person I am. It pains me that someone is incapable of feeling love. It saddens me that you can’t help it and there is nothing that can be done. I want to help but I do not know how or if I should, but I don’t want someone to face this alone. Any advice?
What do you mean you don’t want anyone to face this alone? Sociopaths are always alone but never. They will be in yours. You cant help them. They dont want help. But they will pretend they do if it enables them a chance to deceive.
@jayson thank you! Finally someone else that is commenting from our side of the story. I was feeling like it was 1 vs 1,000 here.
I think there are lots that comment from psychopaths opinion on this site. Ok, it is more the victim, but there has always been socios and psychos who have either posted, or written me emails. I have even had psychiatrists, and psychologists writing to me, confessing to being psychos…. mind you – they could be fantasising, as we know the psycho loves to lie…. and pretend…. who knows? 🙂
Yes, I have to say all of your comments interest me intensely. I like hearing both sides of this scenario.
I’m a sociopath, and I never expect anyone to say “I love you” or want them to, this is because I won’t say it back. This is bs.
Hence my point of Socios being unstable.
Would a sociopath say that you should love someone because they make your life better? My boyfriend says that’s what love is to him. He also confessed to me that he is a sociopath.
He sounds an honest one which is unusual does he have a diagnosis?
Both my boyfriend and myself are Functioning Sociopaths. We are completely capable of love and we love one another with everything we have. We see one another’s faults and still choose to love. We just don’t have empathy for other people.
I think would be more than that may. What about jealousy? Lies, deceit, being able to read the other but also wanting to read the other?
Love…. well i guess in that sense neither of you would know any different. You cant hurt what doesn’t have the capacity to feel.
Are you seriouse.. All the things this describes is someone who loves them. Care, share same interests, spoils you, tells you he loves you everyday cause holy crap, maybe he does, and that’s why he puts so much effort into you. This is crap. And the three star rating shows it. Can’t believe you would betray the points in love and turn it into he is a sociopath. Unbelievable. Ladies if a guy says he loves you, wants the same dreams, doesn’t mean he is mirroring, maybe cause he got to know you and your dreams and ambitions he found out become his as well cause he wants to share them with you. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t have his own. This is a slap to the word called love. And all I can say is after reading what you are saying to girls is real love is a guy who doesn’t care about your dreams, doesn’t care about you, hates your interests, doesn’t want to spend their time with you, and doesn’t want to say I love you everyday to tell you he loves you, so if you beleive this go find a guy that doesn’t care about you or anything about you, so you can spend forever earning his acceptance
Well said. The author of this blog needs to clarify more what is wrong with the sociopath and what red flags to identify. Too many descriptions mentioned are characteristics of caring relationships where one has genuine interest.
I already have. There are 209 articles on this website.
My sociopath loves me. In his own way. Who am I to gauge someones love for me? Because it dosen’t fit the “standard”? You cannot force your idea of love onto anyone, then get upset when they don’t meet your made up expectations… He’s confessed his issues. I’ve accepted them. He loves me for still loving him. He loves me as much as he hates me. He’s obsessed with me. He worries about me. He gets violent, then deeply depressed. He slips and lets me see the gravity of the thought of me leaving. I belong to him. Only him. “Do it. See what happens..” He won’t cheat. They have morals. Not everyone is cut from the same cloth. He knows adulterous behaviour will force my hand. He has all that he needs. A pet. A plaything. A whipping post. An outlet. A willing, doting, participant. He knows he won’t find anyone else to accept him wholeheartedly as I do. He’s afraid to lose my comfort. He’s afraid I have so much power. He forces me to submit. So he feels in control. I happily oblige. I love his wicked sinful ways. I love watching him toy with other people. I love watching the grin slide across his face. I love reading his eyes, his mind, he loves knowing he dosen’t have to hide or fake around me. Its dark, deep and twisted. I would never dream of leaving. I might let the thought flash across my face. But he knows. He knows I’ll never leave. He loves his games, and loves me even more for wanting to play.
He will still fuck you up Rose. Unless you are clear from them, life …is difficult..don’t get me wrong, they do have some good points. One i was with was great fun, made me laugh, we went on some crazy adventures together as he didn’t care. For a while he was my best friend. Or so i thought. Truth is you will have no idea of the truth. Until it is over
They are pathological liars and the best actors/actresses in the world.. when they are getting what they want.
My husband never gets caught in lies with me however he is aggressive and abusive also i find myself lying/ and getting caught about little things like for instance did you take my change to buy cigarettes (mind you I’m the only one working) but stupid as it is i will lie and say no just avoid the fight. He on the other hand never is caught lien but i have no idea what he does outside this house, because I never leave. I work from home, take care of my kids at home and I do not know any of the people he does outside this house. In fact I know no one after being married to him 11 years. He has me convinced that i am not emotional at all( which I believe because i hate him for physically sexually and mentally abusing me for 10 years, accusing me of cheating when i never leave the house and treating me like a whore in the bedroom(which is what i mean by sexual abuse) So i am cold and I do not love him anymore, but still I wonder by things he says did I cause our marriage to go on this way is it me or is it him. Are sociopaths so convincing you can start to think you are the sociopath that desperately needs the them to survive?
He doesnt love you more for wanting to play. He doesnt care about that. He plays the game with everyone. If it wasnt you would be somebody else. Only problem is you are only one person. Often they grow tired of the same person unless rewards are high. Over time it becomes exhausting. He only allows you to believe you have power. You have no idea of the truth behind the lie.
Hello, for what its worth, I used to feel the same way=that i’d become the most important thing in his life and become so essential to him that he wouldn’t abandon me. It would be a corrective experience so healing that he’d want to get better. NOPE. HE dumped me like a sack of potatoes and moved on way before we broke up. He has devastated me. He controlled me, tracked my emails, calls and texts, and he tape recorded me. He paid someone to follow me all day and he lied about everything. He told me how gross I was and he said I was worthless and should just kill myself. I am more alone than ever. It is an empty void inside me right now.
Mine did and said the same to me. My life has been destroyed. Lost everything and I am suicidal daily
Please seek help if you are feeling suicidal. Also do a search on here for suicide or suicidal. I think I wrote a few posts about it. In December 2014, he said that he would kill me, I tried to take my life. I could take no more. I am lucky to be alive today. Although I did not feel lucky for the 18 months that followed. If you are feeling that way then call a suicide helpline and talk. Just talk about how you are feeling. I promise you that it can get better. I am that person who was also there. I can assure you that today, I am very very glad I am not dead. I am happy to be alive. If I can do it, you can too!!
It’s always put to use for something beneficial 😉
For YOUR benefit.
A lot of times to their benefit also. It makes them stronger and they learn life lessons. You don’t always have to hurt someone to benefit from a situation. It can be a win-win.
Which is why I learn from OTHER’s experiences and mine as well so as not to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and over expecting different outcomes.
This was in response to @ahighfunctioner and @crimegeek19
He said he was diagnosed with anti social behavior when he was a teenager.
He totally messed me up but I’m thankful for the lesson well learned. It’s sad he’s the father of my children, but now I can let my children know to try to watch out for people like this and to just focus on you is your best choice in life not unless a person is respectful and understand, that’s love. Rather than control and ownership, now it makes sense that only a psyco will look at people as objects.
One of 3 women he’s ever loved. Should i believe him?
No not if he is a sociopath, they are pathological liars.
I survived mine!,He told me i would kill myself eventually too. He was abusive.In prison for it now!Still healing.Yes valuable lessons: Pure Evil does exist,also so does the Lord,he answered my prayers!!!
The people getting on here saying that this information is inaccurate are either 1. In a relationship with a sociopath who they are too in love with to see/accept the truth OR 2. People who have never been in a relationship with a sociopath…. this info is spot on and it describes every sociopath I’ve ever dated and my friends ex lovers as well…. thats the problem, people on the outside looking in always want to throw in “Well atleast he….” or “you should be happy that she…..” when the victim is clearly suffering…. that’s why you can’t even take these monsters to relationship counseling most of the time because they know exactly what to do and say to make themSELVES look like the one who is being attacked leaving the victim in a position to believe that he or she deserves the treatment being given and should be grateful. Believe me, I’ve been there. There is nothing normal or OK about being in a relationship with a person who says they love you but makes you feel terrible at the same time. Take the information in this post and absorb every word while doing further research as well…. and once you get out do NOT look back
Hi all, I had this happen to me online. I met up with him and the relationship lasted two years. Luckily I didn’t end up marring him like some unfortunate people on here!
He swept me off my feet, going from a person I wouldn’t normally give a second glance to, to totally and utterly falling in love with!
He was controlling right from the start bit this got worse and worse.
He told me right at the beginning that he has never loved, and doesn’t know what love is, and that he only married his wife as they were both getting older and wanted children. He stayed with her to keep a “family ” together for his three children, because he wanted them to have a happy childhood as he had! He said he loved sex and slept with women when he could and it was just sex!
Looking at pictures of him with his family/friends, you can see there is no connection, no feeling……his hands are always clenched when he is standing as part of a group with their arms around each other, never touching anyone (where possible)….all so obvious now looking back!
Saying all that, and knowing very early on in the relationship that there was something definitely not right about him, I still miss him 😦
Still think of the good times, I really did believe he was my soul mate, loved him with all my heart and constantly told him so! When he was insecure I constantly reassured him, comforted him etc…….it is so hard to think that all that was a lie, all one massive act! Hr still texts occasionally, chats sometimes……always ending in a negative manner.
He used to call me a psyco when he was acting out one of his rages……I wonder now if he had been diagnosed and knew what he was? I wish someone could answer that question for me?
I 100% know he’s a psycopath, I know our relationship and his feelings were an act, I know when he contacts me occasionally now that it’s also a part of his act, but still I find myself felling happy for a few minutes!
I’m not a needy person, never have been, always been strong and independent, outgoing, confident etc.
I know that I will eventually find my soul mate, but still, I can’t get him out of my head 😦
Hey Meee, what makes you think he is a psychopath?
Because of his behaviour and reading all about psycopaths online! He just suddenly stopped wanting so much contact but still contacted me daily …. on his terms. Watching my movements online, creating profiles on dating sites to talk to me to find out what I was saying to other men (this was all after he told me he no longer wanted to be with me) then the texts lessened to two/three times a week, now it’s once every couple of weeks!
He is keeping you hanging on a string Meeee. I don’t want to say this to you, to hurt you. As I know how much it hurts, to love someone who is not worthy of you. Never will be. But please take heart, he will not give to anybody….. and you could give everything to somebody who give their all to you. Anything less, is a sacrifice, that is far less than what you deserve. The right man, cannot get in, if the wrong man, is in the way.
I know you are soooo right! My head is telling me that all the time. I have conversations with myself, I tell myself hes never had feelings for me, used me, I remind myself how he’d been mentally abusive at times, controlling, rude etc.,and still when he texts or sends me a picture of himself it brings tears to my eyes, makes me so sad 😦
I find myself still interested in him, in what he’s doing in everyday life etc.
This article is complete bs, wanna know why? Sociopathy doesn’t mean that the person is only interested in what he wants. It means that you feel shallow or little emotion. In no way, shape, or form does that make them act only in self interest. They are actually capable of loving in a normal context. They go to great lengths to make people fall in love with them because they want to function like a normal human being.
They strive to love. They constantly struggle with who they are. Yes, some are mega selfish and only like to toy with people, but that’s not sociopathic behavior. That is a psychopath.
So note to writer: either your just mad about a personal issue or you didn’t do your research. Both mean that your giving the wrong information and misinforming your audience.
Thank you and AMEN! Finally.
Oh come on…
You do have sociopath and psychopath mixed up, you really do. Here are some excerpts from WebMD stating the difference:
“A key difference between a psychopath and a sociopath is whether he (or she) has a conscience, the little voice inside that lets us know when we’re doing something wrong, says L. Michael Tompkins, EdD. He’s a psychologist at the Sacramento County Mental Health Treatment Center.
A psychopath doesn’t have a conscience. If he lies to you so he can steal your money, he won’t feel any moral qualms, though he may pretend to. He may observe others and then act the way they do so he’s not ‘found out,’ Tompkins says.
A sociopath typically has a conscience, but it’s weak. He may know that taking your money is wrong, and he might feel some guilt or remorse, but that won’t stop his behavior.
Both lack empathy, the ability to stand in someone else’s shoes and understand how they feel. But a psychopath has less regard for others, says Aaron Kipnis, PhD, author of The Midas Complex. Someone with this personality type sees others as objects he can use for his own benefit.
It’s not easy to spot a psychopath. They can be intelligent, charming, and good at mimicking emotions. They may pretend to be interested in you, but in reality, they probably don’t care.
‘They’re skilled actors whose sole mission is to manipulate people for personal gain,’ Tompkins says.
Sociopaths are less able to play along. They make it plain that they’re not interested in anyone but themselves. They often blame others and have excuses for their behavior.
Brain Differences:
Recent research suggests a psychopath’s brain is not like other people’s. It may have physical differences that make it hard for the person to identify with someone else’s distress.
The differences can even change basic body functions. For example, when most people see blood or violence in a movie, their hearts beat faster, their breathing quickens, and their palms get sweaty.
A psychopath has the opposite reaction. He gets calmer. Kipnis says that quality helps psychopaths be fearless and engage in risky behavior.
‘They don’t fear the consequences of their actions,’ he says.”
Hope that helps.
Last one in my life likely a psychopath. Isn’t it true that there is no real definition. Nobody can agree.
Yes, we all agree as to what a psycopath is, but we are all different in the way we choose to react to them!
My ex is a psycopath and also narcissistic. …it’s been the hardest thing to come to terms with! I loved him with all of my heart and she’d soo many tears when he ended our relationship. …..he didn’t let go completely, he pushed me away, I cried and cried (silently ) he contacted me via text every single day for almost a year, I held on to that, that’s how I got through my days! Then the contact got less and less…..I’m now in a much better place, he only contacts and has the odd conversation with me every 4/6 weeks and STILL I chat back to him, he still tries to control me, he’s definitely texting other women……I have soo much pride (normally) yet I still put up with him and altho I don’t contact him first I just can’t make myself block him from my phone 😦
He’s as cold as ice, gives me nothing but still I feel like I want to talk to him, keep that small amount of contact!
Sad but true 😦
Jane lots of people are like this. I would say a higher amount of people, than the numbers who stick religiously to no contact. TBH those that bang on about no contact, I often think this is because it was enforced due to abandonment, as you have witnessed, they don’t leave…. unless they choose to.
Yes, but the general advice is no contact, but I’m finding this very difficult!
Although saying that, I am slowly getting better, I just reply to his texts now, I am never first to contact hI’m.
I have also noticed that he makes contact after a few weeks, texts for a few hrs, then nothing. ….if I continue the conversation after that or the next morning, then I just get a text with the word “busy”….and that’s it, he will not text again till 3/4 weeks later! I think it’s the control thing, that he wants or needs.
Thank you. Reading this made me angry as hell. I’ve been with my bf for over a year and he is a sociopath… And hates it. He would love to feel more, and to be capable of biting his tongue a bit more. Although emotions aren’t his strong point, he wants to cry, a good person so acts according to a moral system he has created for himself, mostly based on logic and on how certain actions/words could hurt others, even though he doesn’t quite get why. I’ve always been open to all he’s points of views, he has never faked emotion, which I know because at first the lack of was hard for me to grasp. But then I would tell him what I felt and why, and that he was in no way obligated to feel something just because I’d like him to. Also he DOES have emotions, they just come out for different reasons. He doesn’t give a shit when he sees someone cry, but the first time he made me cry he paniqued, because he didn’t know how to react, it freaked him out that for the first time someone crying affected him intensely. Sometimes hell come off as cold, but hell show me love in the most surprising unexpected ways, and his rational and logic are so beautiful, they open a whole new perspective on almost everything. Just think about this: he doesn’t have that much empathy, but he CHOOSES to be good and respectful to others. Not because he feels bad or good from it, so technically acting as such is in no way a payoff for him. He CHOOSES to go against his own nature at tries to bring good to others. That to me is beautiful. He is afflicted by a mental issue he does not control, that part is not he’s fault. But he has his own rules, and he respects them. A sociopath is CAPABLE of manipulating, but they are still ppl with their own personality, and aren’t always all cold and cunning. And btw sociopaths ARE capable of some empathy towards some ppl, that’s what differentiates them from psychopaths. This article is just judgemental.
Believe me. He thinks only of himself. You have been with him for only a year. On the outside they are everything you describe. It is what goes on behind the scenes you would have absolutely no idea about. This particular article was written at the time of an actual event. Not retrospectively. I like you thought he cared about me. Truth was sociopaths care only about themselves. Anything else is an illusion. You would have no idea what they are up to behind your back. For example I bought a bike after he took mine. He would come out bike riding with me. I couldn’t understand why the tyres on the new bike always went down. All the time in the garage the tyres would be flat. I thought it was a fault with my bike. We split January 2015. I moved home last summer and had tyres pumped up. Strange thing… My tyres have not gone down. Not once. He was obviously doing it so that I had dependency on him. So that I would only go out on my bike with him. I had no idea as to me he would be lovely kind and caring (see confusion of kindness post). But the reality would be very different. You see it is not what you do see with the sociopath that is the problem. It Is what you don’t see.
You are clearly not dating a sociopath
this isn’t true. sure, I lack empathy toward people but that doesn’t mean I dont genuinely love my girlfriend. we have emotions. we just lack empathy and the need to socialize. whoever wrote this article has obviously no idea what a sociopath is. we have feelings and emotions.
No, this is soo very true! My ex is a psycopath, and this is exactly as it was!
He told me almost from the start that he has NEVER loved anyone, not even his wife who he had 3 children with!
Yes they are like robots.
You two are failing to keep in mind that a sociopath and a psychopath are two different things. Web MD says:
“A psychopath doesn’t have a conscience. If he lies to you so he can steal your money, he won’t feel any moral qualms, though he may pretend to. He may observe others and then act the way they do so he’s not “found out,” Tompkins says.
A sociopath typically has a conscience, but it’s weak. He may know that taking your money is wrong, and he might feel some guilt or remorse, but that won’t stop his behavior.
Both lack empathy, the ability to stand in someone else’s shoes and understand how they feel. But a psychopath has less regard for others, says Aaron Kipnis, PhD, author of The Midas Complex. Someone with this personality type sees others as objects he can use for his own benefit.
Both lack empathy, the ability to stand in someone else’s shoes and understand how they feel. But a psychopath has less regard for others, says Aaron Kipnis, PhD, author of The Midas Complex. Someone with this personality type sees others as objects he can use for his own benefit.“
This article also speaks of the difference of a psyxhopath’s brain. A sociopath is not born with this difference. A socio’s lack of empathy is grown from a hard situation they went through. A psychopath will have always been this way, no matter what.
So, what are you saying? That a sociopath will change? As I don’t believe that they will. While the sociopath might have became psychopathic tendencies by previous trauma, or life events, once changed, there is no evidence that there can ever be a change back. Does it become habit, learned behaviour? Or is the trail behind so great it is too difficult to be any other way? I don’t think regardless of what caused it, that there could be any change, as how could any therapist help someone so highly manipulative, deceptive and a compulsive pathological liar? With a lack of long term goals… it doesn’t matter – the outcome for the person on the receiving end – is the same. Outcome is always the same.
What I’m saying is, you’re giving a lot of credit to sociopaths. They’re usually not as stable or able to make such intricate and complicated plans. They’re more in the moment. Yes, they’ll hurt you as they live in the moment, but they’re not doing it on purpose usually. Psychopaths, on the other hand, usually have a well made plan laid out and follow through. Most vulnerable people are the same and it usually is easy to follow the same plan with each one.
You sound put out, do you think you are superior to the sociopath?
I’m simply stating facts dear. 😉
It wasn’t important. Only to your ego 😕
It was an important reminder for you because you seem to get socio- and psychopaths confused often. I’m just helping. 💜
Outcome is the same or similar for the victim. Not good.
However, the intention is different. The intention you’re describing is a psychopath’s. And yet, you always call them sociopaths. Just something I’ve noticed in the time that I’ve been following your blog. Just thought it was appropriate to finally bring it up. Wasn’t trying to hit a sore spot with you, I just wanted to bring it to your attention.
I am thinking about what you are saying. What is the difference in terms of intent?
Is your intention always to harm other people? Or to mess up their lives? Or does it just work out like that? Could you not use your abilities for good? As you do have abilities. Speed of thought. Not being held back or hampered by emotions. Why could you not use that for good? Why use it to cause destruction? This is something I always wondered.
I agree, the outcome is always the same for the unfotunate person on the receiving end!
After disguard one day when my ex and i were talking about what he had done and how he had treated me (rare occasion) he told me, “it’s all part of the game”! That’s how he explained his actions!
Yep!! ‘Sometimes’ they are honest.
Just to be clear some sociopaths do have planned goals, they are the ambitious high functioning type. Then there are those who’s only desire is to do nothing, they have the impulsive disorganized, low functioning tendencies. And although it’s an extremely rare occurance, sociopaths can actual get “better”, that is become more sensitive, but they need to first of all want to, which is rare initself, and then they need to be surrounded by ppl who accept them as they are, but don’t nurture or accept bad behavior. Even then it isn’t a given, because that person that accepts them has to be very strong mentally and be able to actually form a real bond with the socio, which again rare. If you can’t awaken the bit of empathy they DO and/or they don’t want to change there’s no way. Also need to add that mostly, they will sense empathy for some ppl, ppl that they have a bond with, but will probably never sense empathy for others.
I think I forgot to add the link to that article
Send link..
I keep putting it in the website link area but it’s not posting. I’ll just place in the comment: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/sociopath-psychopath-difference
Thanks for sharing. Good explanation.
I don’t understand why a romantic relationship is important to a sociopath. If it’s all about power and control to them, can’t they get that need met in other relationships? Why would they seek out that specific kind of dynamic? I guess I’m asking what’s the point if they feel “nothing”? They must feel something otherwise wouldn’t every relationship, romantic or not, feel the same?
Because it is far easier to manipulate somebody who is in love. And invested. This is why they often ask ‘do you love me?’ ‘am I the love of your life?’ .. it is checking to see that you are still in there. Not all manipulate through romance. Big time psychos can be viewed in high positions of power. Where they can do vast amount of damage. If there is chaos and confusion there is usually one at the helm.
That’s really messed up but it makes sense. It’s really hard for me to understand people like this. I have a hard time fully grasping why they do the things that they do because I don’t have a manipulative bone in my body. I’m a very upfront person. I have good instincts though and can usually tell when someone doesn’t have good intentions. Once I see that, it’s so easy to cut that person out of my life and move on. I had to do that recently with someone I thought was my “friend”. Thank you all for taking the time to explain it more to me. 😊
They play on your honesty too. By accusing you of being dishonest. Or by deliberately playing victim to a made up story In the past. So you feel that you want to prove that you are not like the person that hurt them in the past. Usually they will be fully in your life. But you will never be in theirs.
Because they enjoy ruining people’s lives and using them. They are usually sex addicts too. Creepy stuff
Yes they do enjoy causing destruction and ruin behind smiling eyes.
Building your trust and then breaching that trust. Or leaving you trapped so you have no choice but to depend on them is important to them.
Because you can get more out of a romantic relationship. The other person is deeply involved rather than just a friendship. They love you so they’re going to do anything for you.
What I said it is easier for you to manipulate someone who is ‘in love’ and ‘invested’.