There have been a few readers recently who have made comments about being friends with a sociopath. If this is you, or if you have found this site, by thinking this, perhaps this post is for you.
Can you be friends with a sociopath?
Before I move on with this post, I want you to ask yourself HONESTLY WHY do you want to be friends with the sociopath?
Is it because:
- You enjoyed the Sociopath company?
- You accept that they are a sociopath, now that you know who they are – they can’t do the same to you?
- You hope that one day they will change
- Being friends is better than nothing
- You are scared of them, and their threats, being friends is better than them doing further damage to you?
- You share children or business with them?
- You want to ‘appease’ them?
- You hope that one day, they will learn their lessons and sort themselves out?
Whatever your reasons for wanting friendship with this individual who is
- Hell bent on causing destruction and carnage, wherever they go…..
Let me tell you. All that FRIENDSHIP with this kind of individual will bring, is FURTHER LOSS
Perhaps you are rich, perhaps life is still ‘ok’. Perhaps you have been SO isolated, that the sociopath is all that you have, and so you settle for the scraps that are thrown towards you?
let me tell you, that you are worth so much more than this.
How sociopaths see ‘friendship’
Sociopaths do not have friendships, what they have is ‘associates’ people who they use, to help with their own deception. Do you not think that you being friends with the sociopath, is a great alibi for them to tell the tale that:
- They are not the bad person that you say they are
- That you are the obsessed one – you won’t leave them alone
- That you are mentally damaged
- That they are ‘good’ and ‘great’ …. look my ex is still ‘friends’ with me
- They care about
- That share common grounds or interests
- They want to see the best for
- They enjoy spending time with
I am not saying that sociopaths do not enjoy spending time with their associates. I am sure that they do. I am sure that they appreciate having another individual to do things with, after all, they burn bridges so often, and fuck things up so regularly, that they appreciate having someone to do things with, someone that they can share interests with. You might think, that you, being someone who knows who they are, would be a good companion? You couldn’t be more wrong.
Sure, sociopaths can have people who are associates who give them what they want. I knew the sociopath in my life for FOUR YEARS. In that time, only friends he had were those who:
- Gave him a place to stay and listened to his bullshit (until he had enough and moved out)
- Gave him lifts to work
- Sold him weed
- Were work colleagues (I met them once)
Sociopaths do not have normal friendships they do not understand the concept of friendship. They are not that way inclined, always it is WHAT IS IN IT FOR ME?
I have never met anybody who had ZERO friendships aside from the sociopath
The divide and conquer rule
Sociopaths, unlike other normal people, need to keep people separate, and keep people apart. They do this to keep in control, and later they can use those separated people to prove their point about the lies that they tell. Often they will tell the same tales of woe to each person, but this will be personalised, dependent on who is listening. By keeping people separate, and making sure that they do not meet each other, the sociopath is able to weave their web of lies and deceit, and keep people deceived.
Of course, if that person is ever needed to ‘prove’ or ‘verify’ their lies, they are of course at hand. Although it is unlikely that you would ever meet them.
I knew the sociopath for 4 years. In that time, I didn’t really meet anybody that he knew. Although he did hang on to people that I knew.
The sociopath will take parts of each persons life, and adapt them as his/her own. By keeping people divided, they ultimately remain in control.
Why you cannot be ‘friends’ with a sociopath after you have been in a relationship with them
You really CANNOT be friends with a sociopath. it simply will not work. I know that you might argue with me, and say that perhaps you have ‘things in common’ or there are ‘things that you like about them’. This does not matter, the point is, how sociopaths see ‘friendships’. I would argue that they do not have friendships, they only have associates.
Sociopaths will NOT suddenly make a full recovery, and be a different person. Who they are, is part of their personality. it is ingrained, a pattern that repeats in the brain. They are hardwired this way. If they pretend that they aren’t, this is a lie, perhaps one that they subliminally believe, but it is a lie, even if it is a lie that they also tell themselves.
You cannot be friends with a sociopath, because they will always bring further loss to your life. Having them in your life you:
- Give them knowledge about you (that can be later used against you)
- Stop yourselves from meeting someone who is ‘right’ for you (sociopaths don’t like anybody else trampling on their sentimental property, whether they are with you or not!
- Enable the sociopath, to use YOU further for their own ends (and they will)
- Will continue being lied and disrespected
Please don’t think that because you are ‘friends’ that you will be treated better. You won’t be. Sociopaths use people. They use people for their own ends. Which is quite sickening, and the only thing guaranteed is that you will suffer:
- Further loss
- Be prevented from moving on with your own life
Even if you have children together, you still can’t be ‘friends’. Since when did you have a friend that you didn’t trust? For sure, you cannot and will never be able to trust the sociopath.
I do not believe that there are any exceptions to this rule. You cannot trust a sociopath. You cannot believe a word that they say, and it wont be long before they will stab you in the back.
At the end of the day they do not deserve your friendship. You deserve to treat YOU as your own best friend. You deserve to love YOU. You deserve to pour love and energy into YOU. Each day, pour love and energy into you. Let go of the sociopath. I mean really let go. Even if you have children, only have contact for the children, NOT you (if you have to) but you take care of that liaison, see it as a business proposition.
If you don’t have children, walk away and never have anything to do with them ever again. Only by doing this, by loving you, will you begin to find yourself, and your life again. Then the quality of your life will improve.
You CANNOT be friends with a sociopath, as they are lying, cheating, snakes in the grass, and they WILL stab you in the back, whenever it is convenient for them.
They would use your friendship, to further their aims. Like for example, they might tell you that you are friends, but then tell new supply or other associates that you are a stalker, increasing their ‘fake popularity’. Believe me you deserve so much better.
Letting go of the sociopath, forever, is the best gift of life that you can give to yourself.
Let go, and never ever look back. Please don’t ever be deluded that you can be friends with a sociopath, because truthfully, you really cant. Not ever. Unless to you, friendship is a snake that will stab you in the back, not a case of if…. but when….
Copyright datingasociopath.com 2015, All rights reserved.
108 thoughts on “Please do not think ‘can I be friends with the sociopath?’”
My ex tried to steal very personal items of mine she denied it but she had them only through the divorce attorney did she return them .I know her previous BF before me accused her of strealing from him some personal items . I noticed all through our relationship she accused people of always stealing from Her along with the always. Being the victim as usual .It just seams theft is a trait of a sociopath in some way or another
Stealing from victims is a trait of sociopaths. Especially near the end of the scam – They take personal irreplaceable and valuable items simply to ruin the person they were in a “relationship” with. Sometimes they take important documents like Passports, birth certificates, and social security cards.
WOW! Your story is very similar to mine. My ex girlfriend tol me that she wanted somebody from Brazil to take some money from here (Brazil) and take to her to the US. She told me that she met a woman at her church and that that woman told her that she knew a man who could smuggle the money for her. Then she deposited 150.000 in his ban account and that the gay disappeared with her money. He lived in Brazil and was going to take the money to her. But I think this is another of her lies. Who knows?
Everything they say is lies. I’d say about .09% is true of the words coming out of their mouths.
Social media & dating sites are paradise for sociopaths. I have one who copies my posts, my profile picture style is all mirrored.
My baptism into the world of narcissists was via online dating. They are so successful here, not as successful in real life or three dimensional settings. With no way of checking the bs and their ability to lie so convincingly you only see the idealised version they present. Then there will be silences, discards, control of your wardrobe, thoughts, finally leading to psychotic rage and vanishing.
Although they will reappear with a new girlfriend, but they really miss you and other bollocks …
knew guy that lied about age and profile on a christen dating site. he provesaid that he is not a Christian man. liar.
Oh my Spath got all my childhood memories, pic I can never replace from my other 2 children that were not his but from a previous marriage. He even took my previous wedding picture books and a 16x 20 wedding pose. Things they didn’t have I say!
After living with and dating a sociopath for the past 3.5 years I am finally leaving him next week. I am actually moving out of State because I know if I remain within a 50 mile radius I won’t be strong enough to make that final break. He is very good at manipulating my emotions and has done everything possible to harm me (cheating. pathological and chronic lying, drug and alcohol abuse, gross manipulation, threatening my life, physical assault etc.)
This post in regard to not trying to remain friends with a sociopath was very helpful to me since I am the type to try to “hold on” to the perceived “good points” of the person. I know I need to focus my energy on myself so I can rebuild my life and rediscover the “Amy” that I lost so long ago when I first met him. What really stood out for me is how he kept everything and everyone separate. During the entire time I was with him, I only met one of his friends. I only met his kids a few times two years ago and then he put a stop to this and told them terrible and untrue things about me. You are so right that he needed to keep everyone separate in order to maintain control.
Thank you for writing this post. When I leave I will use every power in my being to never go back and to never contact him again.
Amy! SO happy you are making the getaway!!! CONGRATULATIONS! – Everything you described is basic to every sociopath. That is what they do. They do not love, like, care for or have nay compassion for anyone. They actually have an abnormal brain the region for these emotions doesn’t function. They never change – they only lie and manipulate and use. They hijack the lives of amazing people of strong ethics, people who invest in relationships and fight for love. They need good people to hold up their world constructed of lies. They never maintain relationships of any kind. They are incapable. Any contact with them leads to further destruction. You’ll need to go No Contact – we all did. Do you know about that? We cut them form email, and all contact by blocking their number in our phones, blocking them on Facebook and all social media. Never respond to any message they do get through to us and never send them a message. Don’t look at images of them on line or keep up with what damage they’re doing to others – they will make it look like they’re having a great life with an amazing woman IMMEDIATELY after we leave. – They are not – it’s another victim who fell for them as we did and will be torn apart as well. — All the best to you!!!! You are AWESOME!!!
Thank you so much for your huge bode of confidence. I will need it since I have tried to do this before and always ended up back with him. I have gone back and forth for three years (it took me about the first 6 months to start to understand what was going on.) What makes it so hard for me is sometimes he is nice and acts like he loves me and so I hang on to those crumbs. This time, however, I have much more resolve and I know in my heart he will never change.
I do have one question though for everyone. Did living with or dating the sociopath in your lives bring out the worst in you? I found that during the 3.5 years I was with John he would hurt me SO much (much more than the norm) that I found myself doing retaliatory things (like throw out his favorite shirt etc.) My rage as a result of all his lies, cheating, manipulation just got to be so much because I stayed with him for too long. I have begun to see a counselor and again I am leaving John for good next week.
I didn’t do bad things to him… I was too afraid of him.. we were together only 10 months (married) and then I asked him to leave because I saw the truth.— I did become negative about other people like he was… I started agreeing with him about people in the way he talked about them behind their back. I found life becoming darker in general. Even my home reflected his darkness, dingy, frumpy, just different – it all changed as soon as he was gone! — PLEASE leave the man you are with. Don’t delay and don’t let him know. Just disappear and block him on all social media, your cell, email everywhere. Sending you wisdom, protection and courage!
When I leave I will never tell him where I have gone and I will block his emails etc. I am not on social media so that he can never find me.
yes…you are right
Jennifer thank you. I agree with you 100%. My ex of 5 yrs discarded me and has moved in with his new love. I took so much crap he’s a raging alcoholic and a batterer. I found myself making excuses and covering up for him. I would go to work covered in bruises.
I thought he loved me but he didn’t. He left with her then came back to me a month later. In a fit of rage I told him what I thought about him. He’s a mooch, cheater, liar and he hits women. After I told him all this he left and never came back. He just slapped me with a restraining order. His new gf also served me a restraining order.
I feel certain that he will never contact me again. How can he break his own stay away order.
He will do to her what he’s done to me. I tried to warn her but I’m only the scorned x.
He gave bill collectors my phone number. Turns out he was living off these cards. Up to his neck in debt. I’m lucky that he dumped me. Now he’s living with her.
Even if a sociopath wants to Change, slap them and say no. Tell them that they are worthless shit and needs to be wiped out from the face of the Earth. They are nothing but worthless piece of shit. They all should just fucking die. They don’t need help. They need urgent death.
Amy, we are birds of a feather. After my ordeal with the “monster”, I got a restraining order and realized at the same time that he had been stalking me for over a year when I’d tried so many times to stay away from him. I guess because I knew him, I didn’t consider it stalking…that is, until that’s what the judge called it. The light bulb went off. About 3 months after the order, I wanted an apology. I needed to hear that he knew that the things he had accused me of weren’t true and that he knew he was wrong in the way he treated me. I attempted to contact through email and only got more of the same. I started studying, reading everything I could find about a sociopath. It has been so much help! I, too, know I need to be at least 50 miles away from him…and had been trying to do that for a long time. I was looking to buy a house that far away because I knew he would never use his gas to come around. Unfortunately, in the market I’m in, housing has gotten very expensive and I’ve not been able to find anything. The bad part is that he lives 2 miles or less from me and we go to a lot of the same places…he’s a musician.
The “smear” campaign is on and I’m the crazy one. I must be off my meds according to him. That’s ok. I know I am the good one…the one he picked to take advantage of because of my good character. And, I’m sure you must be the same.
Stay strong. Life goes on.
Thanks so much for your comment/response. I am sorry you can’t move further away since I know in my heart living too close to John will unfortunately make it THAT much harder for me to cut off all contact. I also understand and have been through “the smear” campaign. It is just so painful and I am glad you know that you are a good person and that once again this is just another part of his socio pathology. It has taken me a lot of time to become indifferent in regard to how John treats me. It has also taken me almost 3 years to truly realize he does not have any depth of emotion since he was so good at mirroring true emotion
I don’t feel love or hate just indifference and this is how I know I am ready and will be able to leave.
Hang in there and I am grateful for this site!
@ Sherri J. and Amy, Theeeey aaaall do this kind of thing. Sociopaths are identical and predictable. The best way out is to look at everything from their point of view – from their very limited and small minds. That’s exactly correct: They select good people who can prop us their lies – until. Everything they do before, during and after is about control and maintaining their fake world.
I am a “sociopath” and I think stalking is one of the most heinous crimes there is. I am really pissed that you say that we “are identical and predictable. The best way out is to look at everything from their point of view – from their very limited and small minds.” By continually dumping on us, you are demonstrating a small mind of your own.
Run as fast as you can !!
In response to your question as to whether or not anyone, after living with a spath, became like them, yes I did. After every abusive bullshit bingo, way over the top emotional drama, gas-lighting, total control & manipulation, evasiveness & lies, being the Taurus/Italian that I am, I fought like a warrior in defense against what I now realize was the “Devil in Disguise”. I turned myself inside-out! He hates me now for seeing himself in reflection. That’s okay with me~keeps him away and he more than likely has moved on to his next victim. After evicting him from my home almost 9 months ago with no contact since, I am finally just now starting to be back to me!
I have surrounded myself in “normal” relationships without “dating”. I have taken on again various interests I neglected during my relationship with the spath. I am finally enjoying and appreciating normalicy!
I do have weak moments because of the trauma that I endured during our relationship of 2 yrs.(had known him for 8 yrs. prior as what I thought was a “friend”) and the “hold” he somehow still seems to have on me. I have come to the realization, he probably always will have that hold on me emotionally, as he made sure to guarantee that in every way. I believe I will never have closure and have resolved not to need it anymore.
Through this website, I have gained the strength and considerable knowledge to let go and move on. It does take time, tho!
Be strong, be patient and best regards!
Amy that’s awesome. It also took me 3.5 years in a relationship before I decided to leave. This site helped me a lot, but also after months of trying to avoid seeking therapy I did finally and it truly helped me to cut ties and begin to put my life on track. I have more confidence and self love then I did almost 6 months ago when I was on this site pouring out my heart going back and forth over what I should do. I feel free. I have a few bad days, but I would rather have the bad days then the constant chaos and drama I dealt with regularly. Peace and blessings to everyone in a relationship with a Socio or trying to get out of one. It isn’t easy, but once you have had enough you will leave and not return.
I know this post is from a while back but I couldn’t help but connect with you. When you said “you had bad days but would prefer it over the chaos and constant drama” I can relate more than ever. It’s so true. The emotions are different too. The sad days are just simply sad, maybe cry, feel sorry for yourself kind of days but the emotional lows from dating a sociopath are exhausting and really wear on you over time.Thanks for sharing 🙂
Taylor are u in uk?
Hi positivagirl 🙂 I’m not from the UK. Why were you asking?
Do you know i dont know taylor..i just looked at your comment. I really dont know why i asked that. Sorry. It might have been to do with treatment options available?
I dated a sociopath for about 3 months, during this time I went through the normal cycle. Love bombing, mirroring, triangulation, gaslighting, all of it. Which only happened because of a perfect storm, I needed to get over somebody from before, and I always get too attached, and want to (like yourself) see the best in somebody and hang in there until the bitter end.
I could get into a lot of what happened, but that is all irrelevant, we know how crazy or abusive or terrible they are and this is about healing. Personally, I hope I’m a little past the whole hate stage, then again I know it will come up… I’m only human.
I never met any of her family, I met her ex multiple times when she dropped off her kids (which I also met multiple times as that was how she displayed being a good person). And later after we broke up and I tried to get back with her, she made sure I didn’t see him again. However, I never met her parents once, I saw her step dad (who she’s hated and said was the bane of her existence) just once because he worked at a near by Walmart; I never talked to him. And one time there was a death of an older “associate” that she knew when she was a kid so I went there with her for support. She told me that her mom and brother would show up later and she immediately became anxious, because in hindsight I now know she didn’t want me to meet them specifically for this reason. So we left very early before they even had a chance to get there.
Unfortunately I work with her on more of a limited basis, and recently she said she is pregnant and it is my baby (she did show me a pregnancy strip that I bought for her and watched her use so I know she is pregnant). The only question is whether it is mine — which I truly believe it is — but she will not let me in or stay with me during this time, she has yet to see a doctor to my knowledge and generally pretends that she is not pregnant while she still uses other people as a fuel source, and keeps me on the outside, unaware of what is going on, and constantly on edge of what is happening.
The only light at the end of the tunnel (if you can say that) is she already has two kids and wants to give this child up for adoption. As a result I’m kind of in limbo until the child is born and I know what I want to do as I’m 31 (she’s 23, and this is her third kid in as many years) and this is my first child.
So to answer your question, how does she make me act during all of this? Did she turn me into a worse person? Yes, of course. But I’m a man, and I’m not going to consciously hurt a woman physically so I never attacked her that way, but what did happen was I became depressed and anxious. A miserable person to be around… and I hate drama, and I hate to put my problems onto others, and that’s what I did.
However, to get over this I constantly read these forums and seeing how I can’t hate to get over somebody, I have to relate and have closure. Something I can’t have with her, so I do the nest best thing… and I only figured this out yesterday and it made me feel a million times better and hopefully it lasts, but that’s forgive.
She never wanted to be like this, if she had control over it, she wouldn’t do this. I still need no contact (because I want to be happy and I will never get that from her), but it’s an issue of control, and I can’t have somebody else controlling hate in my heart. I honestly believe that she found me because a.) She did find me attractive (there are much more desperate or gross people out there [not to say that I am, I feel I am good looking and kind enough] that she could go for and use, and hasn’t). And b.) She was envious of me, who I am, what I represent, and my life.
I know she used me, and that was her intention all along. But she doesn’t have feelings like you or I. She sees them as a weakness, and in a lot of ways they are, I mean we can experience love and joy and they can’t, but there’s also a flip side they will never understand… pain, loss, and true sadness. And it’s only after feeling these feelings that we can appreciate love. Which a lot of the time is false or short lived anyway… after all the only time I ever truly loved somebody was when they were a sociopath, which is sad and hopeless.
However, we do have these emotions, so if the time arrives, and we are ready, we can use them. This is the only good thing about having emotions and guilt and love, is eventually we at least have the ability to experience it.
And I say this to all sociopaths out there that have come out of their shell and been brave and decent enough to be honest on here. You are cursed… but so are we. You may feel like you don’t have control, but neither do we. It’s an illusion, it’s all relative. We all want what we can’t have.
The big difference (and I think this is where you get especially jealous, and I don’t blame you) is that we have the ability, the possibility of change. However, sadly, it’s very hard to change, and usually we don’t. If anything ironically it takes something like a strong encounter from a sociopath to make that change.
I unfortunately will always love my abuser, as she is the mother of my child, and she was my only true love (a fake love that I only felt for myself), and in that, in turn, is the tragedy. You cannot love, and I love those I can’t love. It’s a messed up world, but in the end — at least for myself and hopefully others on here that have been through this emotional abuse — we move on, and try to be better people, hope for the best, learn from our mistakes, and try and be better people. Which isn’t a guarantee… but we’ll try.
You hit on a key thing! They are envious of us! What they never got… what they cant be…
Amy, I just got over a year relationship with a socialpath and everything you had described happened to me too especially when the relationship was a FWB one. Thanks to your comments it has confirmed me to walk away and never contact her again because it only hurts you in the end. It’s hard for me too becasue I always look for the good in all people and ignore the bad but that maybe isn’t a good idea. So both of us have to be strong and move on. There are always like you and me better fish in the sea. We curtainly don’t have to settle for menally ill people who had treated us wrong.
I know the drill! My first , and last experience with a true clinically sociopath woman. I was unaware of the warning signs. I would have done anything for her lying, sick ass! Glad I found this out sooner then later. I would have married the sick, child molesting bitch! I’m a very strong tough man. I allowed her to bring me to my knees, literally over night! My head was so messed up and I was so confused, because I honestly did nothing except for to be my own decent and honorable, high integrity self. She is a nurse! That’s the sad part, if you know what I mean.That experience changed the whole rest of my life as far as trust and believing in females. Evil and sick mind! She belongs in an in statutory for me mentally ill! She told me I needed a shrunk, so I saw several of them. They ALL told me that she was a sociopath! That there was NOTHING wrong with me !! It’s been a year now. I am over her lies and heartless deception, but I probably will NEVER trust another female ! And more then likely, die alone ! That’s ok with me Susan!!!
Oh Alan, I’m so sorry you had your life hijacked by a female sociopath. I had my life briefly hijacked by a guy from the Netherlands… They’re identical no matter male or female. And all of us fall for them so deeply so quickly. Sociopaths are experts at this. You’re not alone!! You will trust again. It helps to learn the traits of sociopaths and look at it all through their eyes. It wasn’t a real relationship – purely a crime. — It’s sickening, but a saving grace that in actuality – it wasn’t personal. Sociopaths look for amazing people of integrity, loyalty, and morals to borrow to maintain their sick lives.
I know what you mean. I feel the same about men, although logically it’s impossible they are all sociopaths. Imagine you even went for medical help! Thank goodness you gave enough information for them to tell you that you were dealing with a sociopath. They really are evil/vile (anagram!).
Alan if you do that you are cheating yourself and letting her win. Go to counseling and get healed. Don’t let her control the rest of your life. There is someone for you.
I was engaged to a sp and called off my wedding a day before. Alan I want to be real with you. Yes we were lied too, used and deceived and used but guess what, we have to bare some of the responsibility as well. Like myself there was something inside me telling me something wasn’t right and family and friends tried to tell me and after the lies and character flaws started to be revealed, I stayed like a fool and I knew he wasn’t the one. You see there is always a warning. Never ignore things in your next relationship and certainly don’t hurt people by getting involved with them when you know how you feel right now. You will be just like she was. You are not a sociopath so why would you let this sick person set the tone for your future relationships. Why would you give one person that much power, that’s sad. My wedding was suppose to be Dec 5th last year and I’m already excited about the man God has for me. It is not God’s will for you too be alone and die alone. Get help, get healed, take your power back, but the first step is to forgive yourself and a counselor can help you with this step. My brother is a counselor and he helped me.Forgive yourself for not listening to your own warnings and for not listening to others. Put your game face on buddy and go find your wife but only when you’re healed.
I have gone through all the same. It is very hard to forgive yourself for not listening to my own warnings, my parents warnings, and my friends warnings. I had no idea what I was up against. I had no idea this was a type of person. I was sweet, naive, and shy. I kept seeing the red flags but said I made my bed now I have to lay in ti , so I tried and tried. Left him many times, only to be brought back with his crying and telling me things will be different. Even to the point of one time I left and went to my parents house, he called me up in the middle of the night to tell me he was going to end his life because he couldn’t be with me! He would take all the pills he had(was injured on painkillers). My parents told me dont go…I didnt want to have that on my head. So I went and after a college lecture(his talking sessions) he gets me to come back. Do you know right after I agreed he went into the fridge and got lemon juice drank it and stuck his finger down his throat to throw it all up! Why I didnt leave then is a mystery. Dummy me. I marry him have a child, who he has been trying for years to keep away from me. Fought in court spend thousands. Hes been brainwashed. I’m the crazy one! I made his father spend all his college money going to court. I’m the greedy one wanting child support! My son was living with me from birth to 9 years old and then he did the ultimate…made my son lie for him and say I hit him. Got me arrested, no evidence so they lowered it to harassment, because they believed my son. Whew! Now my son has been living with him and is 18 years old he has distanced me from his life because of what he has been told over the years. Not directly(very smart) but in little comments here and there. All lies! Now its I made his father (and I) spend thousand in court that was supposed to be for his college…huh! Another lie concocted up. My son is cold and we rarely see each other. Makes me so sad and angry, he is making him into one of them! He wont talk about anything. I pray a lot. God has gotten me through all the other stuff he has thrown at me. Now I’m waiting for God’s karma, like Job.
Wow the sociopath man I was with was just as evil and deceptive
Alan, I also feel I will never trust, have a relationship with or sleep with another man again! However, after reading what you wrote I know there are trustworthy women out there as I am one of them. Obviously there are trustworthy men out there to. We all need to be a little more careful who we get involved with before we fall in to deep! Take care x
I feel the same way Alan. I cant trust and don’t want to go through heartache anymore. I’m so much happier without him. He is evil! I did meet another guy, oh he had to run him out of town! He didn’t want me to be with anyone! He could have girlfriends, which I used to laugh at when he would pull up an drop my son off. You have to deal with it now! The new guy was younger, loved my kids, we had no fights, no lectures but….their were lies not the kind that sociopaths do. He had his own issues and chose drugs(I had no idea he was doing) over me. We had the marriage license and all. I loved him very much so my heart crumbled this time. Now I wont let anyone in. I do my own thing and I am in charge of my life. I don’t want to deal with another mans problems/issues. So it can be man or woman-sociopaths will be who they are. I call them “its” They are not human nor should they have a title of mother or father.
Sorry I meant mom or dad.
Truth. I have been on this roller coaster ride fforever. At the end of the day he will convince you to enter into another romantic relationship with him which, will only last as long as it takes him to find a younger, richer more gullible partner who is is interested in taking care of him. Don’t waste your life on this sort. The longer you’re associated with a creep like this the harder it will be to let go.
I am a parent to a step daughter who fits this description to the “T ” . It doesn’t matter how good of a person you are , you can not change them . Your intentions for a positive outcome do not exist when dealing with a sociopath . Literally every point this author has made , I have experienced it on every level for 15 years . If you have a choice in the matter don’t walk away … Run .
Roller Coaster ride is so right! Masters at manipulation due to believing their own lies. Using and taking from others even using their own children as pity plays. The one I encountered had a very sick child and believe used that to play on others heart strings along with his culture NA which is a popular path being followed today . Unfortunately you cannot trust anything they say or do. Key to remember is words & actions going together. That is the tell all.
Excellent post. I have tried to stay “friends” with my ex husband, for the sake of the kids, and because I felt sorry for him. But he as undermined me at every turn. He will act as though he is doing things in my best interest, or in the best interest of our children, but in the end he only does what benefits him, even if it hurts tbe children.
He talks about me behind my back to his patents and the kids. He says I imagine things and I cannot tell reality from delusion.
He has financially ruined me and works with the help of his parents to undermine all attempts I make to get financially stable and to be able to be independent of them.
The worst thing you EVER want to do is to go to family therapy with a narcissist or a psychopath. They tell outragious lies about how you do not perceive things normally.
Last week he told the therapist that because I am an artist and can see depth in a painting which is flat in reality….that I see reality as flat.
Therfore I cannot perceive how close someone is to me. When I say that a family member was screaming 2 inches from my face….so close I could smell their breath…..that person was actually 6 feet away….and I cannot tell whether they are in my face or 6 feet away…
He based this whole thing on a conversation we had about a painting ( which never happened) and how I supposedly thought the painting was actually 3 dimensional in reality and I did not understand that it was just a 2 dimensional piece of paper with paint on it.
This lie was so absurd, but he kept hoing and reinforcing the images and the details and did so with complete dominating conviction , that people started to believe that it made sense that I really can’t tell how far things are from me because he said I see everything as flat.
It is utterly ridiculous but yet they convince other intelligent people that you are out of touch with reality… Omg
I know the feeling. They make others believe them. I cant understand how they do it so well and on professionals! He has been to the same thing to my son. God help us all!
Today I missed her very much and I wrote this:
Hi! May the Lord bless you! I know we had some misunderstandings but I really hope that everything goes well in your life.
I know from my own experiences that we have to go through many trials (God takes us to the desert to make us a better person, sometimes even through the fire, sometimes he even breaks us to pieces to remold us as he wants.) You’ve been involved with the christian life for 2 years, I have for 35 years. But I am not better than you! Jesus died for me and he died for you too. We are going to the same place. Maybe we are going to live for 35 or 40 years more , who knows.
Our lives here are very short:
Psa 103:15 As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth.
Psa 103:16 For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more.
If we never meet here on this planet I hope to meet you one day in heaven.
Hi. James, who has at times dominated your discussions, and I are good friends. This works nicely as we are both “sociopaths.” We don’t hope to change each other. We love the way we are. We can happily “use” each other when this is possible. No problem for either one. We understand each other. I must say, the way you “nons” are so obsessed with us is giving me a swelled head.
Positivagirl, thank you forever for this site that’s all about US! You, me, and everyone else in here who are empowered to rid our lives of these cancerous elements.
Kindly please remove this non entity piece of nothingness that’s infiltersted this site. As always these elements bring it back to themselves, and dignifying their scratchings for attention with an answer is confirming to them that their sole purpose for breathing is to feel significant.
Well, look how much you and similar blogs talk about us. If that isn’t obsession, what is it?
Thanks Jennifer it’s funny you mentioned theft of documents I found this envelope of birth certificates and social security card of her ex so I mailed them to him because I knew he stilled lived there . When my ex Finnaly ended me she had stolen those exact same items and my passport I never got them back she denied it but they were clearly secure and she knew exactly where they were so I know it was her now I just say how typical and predictable of her .
Wow! It’s amazing isn’t it?! That is really great you mailed them back!! : ) Sociopaths are soooo predictable and identical. They don’t all take every target as far – there is though a cycle that they all follow whether someone is ensnared by them for 5 day for 50 years. The ones that are in “relationships” always end with a theft and certainly with money owed. The marriages have the most financial damage – loans can be taken out online by a spouse – there’s possible ID theft.. Lot’s to protect from – especially if someone marries someone from another country. — I say change passwords on everything and get a new cell number always.
I agree Jennifer change everything they know about you .I was married 7 years to my ex sociopath so she knew everything .She always wanted to be involved in every everything and was 5 feet from me for 10 years .She tried to frame me criminally and I will admit financially divested me .But I have a good relationship with my family and they helped me recover thank God for family and friends and proffesional help!!
Yes, indeed! In my case I didn’t use any professional help, but certainly had family and friends. — And actually gained a best friend in one of his other targets – going through it with her made all the difference.
I wonder if there are more sociopath men vs women or if that statistic is known
I’ve read there are more male sociopaths… not sure why more men would be born without the region of the brain functioning that registers like, love, care, concern or compassion than women — or if it’s more that male sociopaths are recognized for what they are more frequently than female sociopaths. – And how are the totals estimated…? Not many sociopaths volunteer for a census or register anywhere as sociopaths. LoL! Wish they did.
I agree but that will never happen since WE are the ones with the problem! HA!
Such a great column. A true friend could never treat someone with the contempt that he demonstrated toward me.
The only way to k ow if your with a sociopath is to have experienced it in the past and look at there past history .Although they are masters of the truth and pot on the charm there are always holes to view and questions .My family had my ex pegged soon she was hiding stuff and a Fake but like most I would not listen uuugggg !
I wanted so bad to friends with my ex thinking I could change her or at least get a answer that I already knew being that she was a sociopath .crazy thinking I know
@Fooled…I did the same. I had heard that he wanted to talk to me, see me. There’s a restraining order in place and I sure knew I didn’t want to see him. I did foolishly think that maybe he had realized that the things he had accused me of weren’t true and that he knew he was wrong to treat me so badly. HA! I sent him an email saying that if he had something to say to just say it. He stated that he “never intentionally hurt” me and that he was sorry. The next email was accusations again. THAT’S when I realized he will never change. I started reading everything I could find about sociopaths. It all makes sense now. I have gone to no contact. He is sending me emails that he is worried about me, to just please talk to him. The ONLY thing he is worried about is losing control of me.
Don’t feel “crazy”. It’s just part of the process. We, as good people, want to believe that they will come to their senses and realize what they had.
You are not alone.
Thanks Sherri for the kind words ! It’s so real to hear of accusations and restraint orders etc I was criminally investigated on false made up lies and charges .Luckily a great attorney and good police work all proved she was a liar .Then one day I get a call wanting to talk with excuses and more Bs must have been someone else etc etc .Just like I should. Say ok honey come on back. It was a very difficult time for me and took proffesional help and my family. To pull me through it all !people without a support network can easily end up in terrible shape !
Thanks to this site I dont feel crazy anymore there is a name for it and others have gone through what I have! I have a stack of emails which go from calling me “Babe” to “Bitch” in a matter of(5) seconds(That’s why I made my name that) It was so confusing. This man who professed to love me can do all these mean and sick things to me.
i tried to be friends with my ex sociopath even when i broke up with him and especially after his final brutal discard. You can imagine how much he enjoyed playing wih that. i didnt start learning about socopaths till after. I’ve always had a hard time with breakups but this one is the worst. He has not hoovered but did a great job with the smear & distortion campaign.
I feel cheated that i didn’t get much love bombing in the beginning or hoovering at the end! lol I’m an older woman so its not much comfort to say I’ll be smarter ‘next time’.
It feels like he hates me, used me, never loved me and that he did find a younger, prettier, more gullible new supply. Now, I feel like the whole world sees me the same way he does. Its been very hard trying to make a few new friends and start over building a new life. i keep thinking if i had more value/worth in HIS eyes, then he’d have left with at least some fake decency, ya know to keep his options open. (I know how lame this sounds)
I need help with a good way to look at this because he did leave me shattered with very few pieces of my life left to even pick up.
I think everyone’s experience is slightly different. Mine love bombed me like crazy. But only hoovered me casually. I found out later because he had moved on to fresh prey. He liked women who weren’t too intelligent and weren’t too strong. I was neither of those things.
I too felt that the world was viewing me the same way he was acting towards me. It’s hard to internalize that someone you loved so much, who loved you, now HATES you. It messes with your feelings of self worth. AND THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT.
He even vocalized to me in a fight that he was drawn to me at first because I was so confident, competent, fun, and well-liked. And that he got off on tearing that down and destroying that. Because HE himself lacked confidence. How dare I being a woman be more successful than him? Have an easy time talking to people when he could barely look people in the eye? He HATED that he was not that himself so he hated me for it.
THAT’S WHAT MADE ME REALIZE THAT I WAS OKAY. I know who I am. I know that I’m a good, kind, giving person. He can’t take that away from me. I will never stop being a loving person who helps others. He can’t take that away from me.
And believe me, I gave him chance after chance to “be nice” again and make things right by me. He never even tried. But you know what? I’M SO BETTER OFF AND SO ARE YOU.
I realized something the other day. when I was in the middle of things with him, I was a basket case. I would get ready for work in the morning and my hands would be shaking so bad I almost couldn’t put on my makeup. I would have panic attacks constantly. NOW? I’m not a basket case all the time. I’M OK.
I’m sad, and feel used and abused……….but I’m just going to keep trying to take it one more day, one more day.
You are right they like women with low self esteem that will give them what they want.
I moved, found a great church and they are my new family. I know its not for everyone. Its hard to get over the brainwashing, I know how it makes you feel. I laugh at the new bait. What an idiot he will do the same thing to her too! Laughter is the best medicine.
I have – had – a friend, we used to chat online. Things were happening to me that I felt really sad about, and needed for her to be my friend and listen, and be there. But I didn’t recieve any empathy at all, just a quick “I’m sorry you feel sad”, and then, it was back to what SHE wanted to talk about. I of course expressed my disappointment to her, and what I thought about it. She was very apologetic, and no end on how she didn’t mean it etc. she seemed authentic there and like it was a misunderstanding. Yeah, right.
I kept watching her and kept my distance a bit, her lack of empathy towards me really made me notice. It happened again, of course. I often recieved short, unemotional, unsupportive answers or reactions, to whenever I needed more like support and as listening ear. Or just some empathy and compassion, I recieved coldness and logically formed answers.
The last thing that made it, happened recently. Same, again, I needed to talk a little bit, I was sad, and I mean just a little talk. I came to her saying I’m so sad, this happened.. She immediately tells me, that I have PTSD! That I should go get help! I have to say, that I’m very healthy, I’ve just had a lot on my plate recently. She doesn’t even know me well enough either. Oh yeah, from being sad to having PTSD. That’s really whacked. The lack of empathy is screaming. I don’t know and never known anyone that would’ve said and done like that. The basic, human listening empathy… Like, oh, I’m so sorry for you, I’m sure it’ll settle. But no. Who the… Burps out you have PTSD?!
Her response, when I face her with her non response, was that I accuse and blame her, and that she’s forgiven me, when I snapped on her last time, but this is it and goodbye kinda. Telling me that I’m wrong and hurt her for saying it.
She further tells me that she has PTSD, that it looked like hers, so that’s why she said it. Duh… Whacked is what it is.
She’s lost many friends and never managed to keep any, and said how people has hurt her a lot all the time. She’s been heavily abused in her childhood.( not judging) she lives with a guy she puts up being abused with. I’ve talked to her about it, she doesn’t want to leave, for the sake of her son, that’s by the way autistic. She’s had many miscarriages. She’s come on as very friendly, and like someone that wants to help others, with her abilities. She claims many has gotten help, although her psychic readings (she’s spiritual so am I) never came true, when she read me, rather she tried to impose upon me what wasn’t true. Insisting it was when I even had the facts before the readings I knew it wasn’t.
She seemed like having empathy and compassion in the beginning, but obviously..
She’s been lying to me too, even though it might seem like not so much, lies neither the less. She said she was a vegetarian, but she suddenly wasn’t. ( oh and she tried to force me not being a vegan), she said she didn’t smoke, but she did. So forth.
The spiritual implications of that we shall not even talk of…
She’s used force on me a lot where I’ve had to stand my ground strongly. Where she’s held to that she knew what was best for me. That was concerning me being vegan, and me not accepting her e.t spirit guides coming to me giving me implants or according to her, removing those she claimed I had. I strictly told her no, and that I don’t want anything to do with beings, whoever they were, that couldn’t identify, and state in front of me they were from the light. Her response was more force.
She then told me they, the e.t beings of hers, ( which she said were reptilian and the greys, saying not all are evil) didn’t want anything to do with me, since I was too much trouble, and they couldn’t handle me. I thought there you go, beings of light, huh!
She’s said countless of time show they’re taking her and create new markings on her body, that she’s showing proudly, each day. I told her beings of light won’t touch a hair on you. She says it’s fine, they’re her friends, yet complaining they do things forcefully…
Some of you might not understand or relate to this due to other beliefs or non beliefs and that’s fine 🙂 I do think though the owner of this page will understand.
I think I need to talk to you, the owner of this site if you like, reading you’re a light worker, I am too, there are some things I would like to discuss of various things and things I ponder and a few issues. PIf you would like to get back to me I’d be grateful please.
But anyway, I wonder, can this x friend be a narcissist? Or, a sociopath / psychopath?
Light to you all
Thanks so much for taking time to write this blog. I’m 38 and never encountered someone like this until 3 years ago. Longest and worst 3 years of my life. I’m an empath and was still pretty naive about people but one thing is true. Real friends aren’t sociopaths
Mine ruined me…The smear campagine was so bad and unbelievable.people I have known for years sided with him.did not even ask me…I had to move away from the area….Now due to my mom and dad ageing … My daughters house burned to the ground….and my grandson…just missing him….I had to move back to this cold hearted town.. we worked together I worked hard for my employer even though my employer watched this man stalk me harass me and abused me he was addicted to meth amphetamines I’m driving customers back and forth to the river at the end of the season my boss fired him. And all that did was make things ten times worse for me to the point where I ended up quitting and as soon as I moved away they hired him back. Not just him but these people changed Who I am I’m a weak person now I don’t want to I don’t need him I don’t contact him but he still stops me and says me everyday cause my fone 60 times we both work for the park Service I just work at a different outfitter and he smears me to the park Service and people just think he is the greatest thing in the entire world and I just don’t know how to handle all this. I know I’m not supposed to live in the past but my mind just can’t wrap around the fact that this grown man pulled his penis out on the gravel bar in front of 7 crew members and a river full of people talking about how big his penis was and how I just couldn’t handle it and nobody said anything to me or stood up for me or warned me I just don’t understand. And now he’s doing the same thing I just don’t understand this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do the no contact part that’s easy because my pain from him in the middle of the use and abuse and no word from him which everybody at work so I’m all over that now I’m just being the villain and everybody elses eyes and I don’t know how to handle it it makes me sick falling into a depression. I’m stuck on it’s not fair and I need to get over then I don’t know how to and I’m okay alone I like being alone in fact I couldn’t imagine ever dating another man again he just ruined me. I didn’t know people like this existed he’s not only a narcissist he’s a sociopath every other word out of his mouth is a lie I’m a good person I work hard and take care of my family I’m good to people and I’m the villain it hurts so bad it just hurts so bad I’m not saying I’m suicidal I’m just saying I wish I could go to sleep for a year or push a button and on my mind be clear and I not think about everything. What scares me the most is the fact that I am so incredibly comfortable being so incredibly alone none of them like going public anymore. I don’t want to sound so horrible I mean it’s not all bad your web site your blog has helped me a lot I never understood the smear campaign thing I never could understand the immense lies that he told about me until I read your article so thank you we just lost and alone.
Stay strong and being single is not so bad although now that I have healed I would like to date again myself but this time I’ll be very careful.
I feel the same as you…
I don’t think i want another relationship at all. I feel as though trusting someone again would be extremely difficult, as I would doubt everything that was ever said to me by a male in a romantic relationship again. Just the thought of hearing a man tell me they love me makes my skin crawl right now. It is sad. Maybe one day. But I, too, like you, can’t see it.
I feel the same. I have been single over a year now. But… I don’t see this as a bad thing at all. What has changed perhaps is before maybe I would have dated just in case to see if it worked out. Today I don’t want to take the risk on another lesson. I am open for a blessing to come into my life but honestly I couldn’t take another lesson. Psychologically I couldn’t take it I am happier on my own.
Ladies, it’s easy to find out if somebody is not a sociopath. Just look up the tell tail signs for being attracted to somebody. They show genuine emotions. Women will bite their lips, fidget, play with their hair, laugh at jokes, be nervous.
Men will act more confidently, stand up, also act nervous and smile and be courteous.
I know now that she was a sociopath because she just casually came up to me one day and asked me to stop out with her friends. She never showed any of these emotions, she didn’t smile, she didn’t get giddy. And I promise you people act like this when they’re interested (they’re guarded don’t get me wrong), but if somebody comes on too strong, just back off and say no, stop it before it starts.
I know falling in love or finding somebody who is normal or potentially boring isn’t as fun or intense. People want to love hard, and feel deep passion, but that also comes with the added bonus of the pain we all feel.
And nobody wants to be alone… I’m single right now and it sucks. But I also know I have to heal myself and be at my best before I want to introduce anybody otherwise it will all end the same way.
That’s the only control we have over them, is to be happy, and to move on. That’s it… that’s the only way to get them back. They want us to feel this way, and when we don’t, I promise you, it drives them crazy. They want to love too, they just can’t. So they take it out on us because they think we can love, but the kind of love we want is the kind of love they fake give us… and that is the tragedy on both sides.
But you have to have hope, sooner or later you’ll be able to trust again, and give into it. Don’t let them win. You’re better people because of this, and I know deep down in my heart even though it won’t be as great as that first month or two when I was with my abuser, I will find somebody that I love and care about and appreciates me… because I deserve that, and so do you.
Awwww….Brian~You sound so sweet!
Where are you located and how old are you?
(Just so you know, I DO get nervous and giddy even if it doesn’t appear so with those kinds of questions which is how we can all be behind the screen of a computer.)
I really needed to read the reply you replied.
Gives a girl some HOPE!
True, it did happen to me. I didn’t feel ‘I love you’ meant anything and wouldn’t say it back to my new bf. It took a long time to say it and mean it. Then he betrayed me too but he was not a spath. Drugs this time, more powerful than my love.
i so agree with you. I am so guarded now. I don’t think i can let my guard down. I don’t want to chance being hurt again. Too much to go through. These guys are evil spawns. I really feel as though it is just going to get worse in society. Relationships are just too risky these days. I feel for my children, i truly do. I have daughters who are 12/13 and I don’t want to be negative in my talks with them about relationships, but be damned if I am going to watch them go down the same road I have been down.
For me I am past having children now. I have been through a lot. I want to focus on rebuilding my site and my work here. Be focused I probably couldn’t do that with a man. It is probably good for you to take some time out. Be single because you want to be focus on healing and getting rid of all the toxic vibes of him. Ugh
Yes, you have been through alot. More than most. You are so strong though. I admire your strength and determination. Your site is saving lives every day! You must continue and focus on this site. You have an audience of people who are hurting deeply because of selfish human beings. This audience needs you! I speak from my heart, I truly thought I was going to not make it in this world because of the immense amount of pain and suffering I was going through, all because of a sociopath who conned me. BUT your website saved my life!!!
I have found myself these past few days practicing gratitude like you are. It does help! One hour at a time for me right now. but I feel as thought I am doing ok. 9 months out and no contact. Whew….I don’t think i will ever hear from him again. This is a blessing.
Let me know how you get on with gratitude as I would be interested in hearing other people’s view of whether it has worked for them.
Yes it is a blessing…. it is time for the sun to shine for you!!
There’s a old saying time heals old wounds .with that said after all I have been through i will say time has healed me but also made me wiser on my personal choices guarded and protective of me !!
Gratitude is the knowledge to realize you could be dead or dead or totally homeless from this nitemare so even the little things are important a meal a home family even something as simple as a pair of shoes remember a sociopath hates you they want total distruction they care nothing of you what you have they want to steal some how they have failed to take it all be grateful you have anything left and build from that !
Thing is sometimes we can get lost focusing on what we have lost. Truth is we don’t realise how much we still have until we focus on gratitude.
I find it’s interesting where you write that aside from the sociopath, you don’t know anybody who have ZERO friendships.
Well, meet me. I’m not a sociopath, but I have “ZERO friendships”.
I don’t know if it is me or other people (if it’s a choice or not). I really don’t. I’ve asked myself this now and then but ultimately always walk away with no answer.
I read what you wrote about how sociopaths have “associates” and how they view friendships as “What’s in it for me?” I agree that this is how the sociopath views relationships–indeed–but I tend to think they are honestly just an exaggerated form of how most ‘normal’ people feel.
Part of the reason, I feel, that I myself don’t have friends is because everyone, to me, seems to only want friendship when there’s something in it for them. I rarely meet anyone who is genuine–even people who tell themselves they are genuine really are not. Everyone only wants friends because of what they can get out of the other person. That is why my friendship is worthless to most people (I don’t give people the pseudo-compliments and happiness that they desire; it is much easier for them to find this elsewhere/to get it elsewhere, out of somebody else).
Your writing about sociopaths is interesting, but it’s important for people to remember that it’s written off the basis of one person’s experience with one (or two, or even only just a few) people. It’s not a representation of all sociopaths. And ‘sociopath’ is itself, not really a concretely-defined term.
Nonetheless, thanks for sharing your story. I find it interesting and you have some valuable insights.
I wanted to ask though, what happened to earlier friendships? Did you not make friends in school? Is there a reason that you choose to be on your own? Sociopaths are different. It ISN’T that they are introverted, shy, or fearful of people. They just burn people, use them, then skip town and move on. Well not always skip town, but they move on. If people from their past talked they would see patterns. Being sociopathic is very different for having another reason for choosing a solitary life.
Anonymous~I SO agree but was too embarrassed to type what you did so THANK YOU!
I have ALways had limited friendships for various reasons but the main one being~Whoever is my “friend” at any given time gets ALL of me.
ALL my attention.
ALL my help.
ALL my fun.
ALL of ME.
So looking at THAT~I am selfish I guess. (?)
My OTHER reason is~If I get ANY more “friends” like I already have, I don’t WANT THEM!
My socio left me 6 weeks ago after being with him for 5.5 years.
I have a VERY TIGHT BFF and a sister who I employ (meaning NOTHING other than the fact that I see her every single day for 5 hours and we don’t exchange ONE WORD is that time!)
I even live only 2 miles from her and her negative energy forced me to stop car pooling with her.
I’m the 1 that basically set up (in MY own MIND) the “silent treatment” with her.
Everyday that I’d come to work and say something, ANYthing, I’d get a grunt from her as a reply IF THAT!(?)
Granted, she’s a full blown alcoholic and can’t seem to converse with anyone without a drink but come on!~I’m her sister!!!
She wasn’t “there” for me during my mom’s battle and death with cancer 2 years ago.
WHY should she be there when my Socio left me?
In those few weeks of him leaving, my cat 17 year old cat almost died and she STILL refused to be “there” for me.
My BFF has given me the silent treatment also (I’ll explain a bit later) and she STILL isn’t “there” for me.(?)
I KNOW!~She’s got a disease which I’m all too familiar with as I quit drinking 24 years ago ON MY OWN cause I had the “disease” too but I can ONLY give her enough excuses to where I can’t anymore.
And as much as I say “I won’t let her silence bother me”, of COURSE it does!
I NEED her (SOMEone!)
I’ve lost 10 pounds in those few weeks and find it VERY difficult, if not IMPOSSIBLE, to make decisions on my OWN.
(Yes, I need some MAJOR paid help!) 🙂
Not only does she have the disease of alcoholism, I DO see many traits of her being a Sociopath too but I don’t feel it’s my “right” to label others at this time.
ONE is ENOUGH! LOL!!
Move to my BFF.
I guess that’s a KARMA call for SURE.
I reconnected with her 33 years after we lost contact and life was GREAT!
If we were gay, we’d have been a couple for sure.
UNTIL, the day, our music died.
Enter~an online profile who was soon to be my beau of 5.5 years 6 MONTHS after the BFF connection.
SO, as I described earlier, I’m NOT a good “friend” cause I can’t “share” me and she went through a LOT of things that I’m sure she would have wanted me there for more than just the 80% I sent her way cause I was with my beau. 😦
She LISTENED to the manymanymany break-ups we had in those 5.5 years as she did with the most recent THE END but with NO input.
She NEVER called or took my calls or texts when my cat got sick and she KNOWS, I rather lose a LOT of other people before I lose him!
So, I’ve been ALONE for the last 6 weeks with one trauma into another (even if it was ONLY a trauma in MY MIND!) and I have NEVER been more alone if that makes sense.
The other people I had was my brother (who committed suicide 5 years ago this past May) and my Mom (who died of pancreatic can 2 years ago this August.)
Then again, I KNOW I really NEEDED to be alone.
Not only to give ALL my attention to my 17 year old cat (who, by the way, after $1,200 in tests has proven he is more healthy than ME but who actually TOOK ME ON as far as symptoms!
He started eating less, going to the bathroom less and why I didn’t think of it sooner is that when animals “feel” their owners feelings, they mimic that behavior.
So, he’s been mad, depressed, anxious, lonely and everything ELSE I’ve been feeling.
He WAS/IS the silver lining in ALL of this!~
It cost a few bucks but I can be at peace that he’s not going ANYwhere anytime soon!
As far as the BFF and sister~I guess they can treat me any way they want to and I can only HOPE that Karma goes back to them at some future point.
Exactly. Finally someone making sense here. Sociopaths tend to recognize people’s fake behaviour better and they use it more efficiently for their own gain. To me that seems to be pretty much the only difference in the ways that they operate. They’re rarely blinded by such emotions as caring for others or remorse etc. Sociopaths might manipulate and lie to others a lot but after all they’re definitely more honest in their interactions, considering that even ‘normal’ people are selfish and eventually out there only for themselves. I think they’re a purer manifestation of how humans really are.
I used to be a genuine friend until I started smoking pot back in high school. I was introduced to allot more “friends” than I thought could be possible. They used me for material possessions and changed my outlook on life. I’ve been going crazy trying to scrape to gather my degree and right all of the wrong doing that my last friend had convinced me was the right move to make. He is a psychopath and has made threats that he can send evil energy to hurt my family and me. I’m an empath who’s been in recovery from this negative individual after I saw who he truly was. This guy warped my head and when I was losing all of my friends and forgetting what it meant to be a good friend; I never stopped to think about why my friends had left me. This site has made his actions towards me all make sense. He said we are psychic bonded twins and can kill and hurt my family. I want to know if there’s is anything that I can do to stop him from tormenting my thoughts and if he can actually do anything with his “powers.” I live in fear 24/7 and have insulated myself to a point where suicude looks like the only option but I can’t bare to have that on my family’s conscience. I have hurt too many people by remaining friends with him for this long and am too scared to talk to anyone. Every time I start the scheduling process to seek help my thoughts get hazy and I start to feel very sick. I’ve been sober for one year and don’t understand why he still controls my mind. Please help me defeat his power and not hurt anyone else again. I miss being a positive and happy support to my family
This might be a little late for this topic, but after landing on this post I still a bit curious about the ‘why not’ part.
I could be wrong here, but I understood that people with an anti social disorder are mainly characterised by their lack of emotional empathy and then are quite different depending on where they land on the spectrum. (a bit like how people with higher levels of empathy are quite diverse too)
Wouldn’t that mean if you have an acquaintance that is a ‘sociopath’ that while he (or she) might less invested in the relationship, he doesn’t necessarily will be interested in, well, screwing you over. Just because he cares less if he does, it doesn’t automatically mean he will eventually seek it out in personal relationships?
I think it is the lack of conscience. They don’t care. They might fake that they care. Also it isn’t only lack of empathy it is the limited range of emotions and emoti0nal connection, although they can mimic, mirror and copy well. Part of who they are is to have control over others. They need to have control over someone, really it matters not who that person is, other than it is someone who they have control over. They do, sadly from what I have seen, mimic same behaviour patterns (see the post – can a sociopath change).
Hi Everyone… I’ve been here before. I was madly in love with a sociopath who lied, used and deceived me for a better part of a year. Initially there wasn’t the usually discard, we still communicated and saw each other. Once I started searching into his life and found out all the lies and exposed him he started the discard. He would go a month or 2 without communicating with me. He would eventually reply and it would last for a couple weeks. In May he stated that he wanted a friendship… The friendship was just like the relationship… Lies, deceit, would ignore texts and calls until it suited him. He said he won’t be berated because he couldn’t reply immediately and cut off all contact again. It’s been over a month and I’m hurt and confused AGAIN!! Nope, you can’t be friends with them.
I started dating MINE in 1/11 and I had him diagnosed by 1/12.
I DID keep taking him back.
He finally left me 6/16.
(There IS a GOD!)
I JUST realized that I really am NOT The Sociopath Whisperer.
(Yeah, I’m a LITTLE slow and a LOT stubborn!)
Several things really hit me about this article. They keep everyone separate. And there is no point trying to be friends for any reason because the relationship with them is about constant loss.
I always knew my spath was off. And I ignored all the warnings because it felt so good to have someone pay that much attention to me and fawn all over me. I had ended a long term marriage and was lonely. He seemed to smell that like a shark smells blood in the water.
Even in the beginning a very good male friend of mine told me flat out “He’s a predator. Stay away from him.” Other people could sense it who knew him.
Slowly he started to discard me. And I knew what he was doing. I knew he was purposely trying to hurt me and destroy me if he could. And I really tried and tried, even though I knew it was useless. But I had enough confidence in my own perceptions and behaviors that he couldn’t get me with the crazy making. “YOU are the crazy one! Look what you did to me! Look what you said to me!” It never worked on me. He discarded me, yet would blast me that “This is what YOU wanted! I never wanted this!” There was never a point to arguing with him. He was always the victim and I was always the one who had wronged him.
It was hard for me to disentangle because I had fallen for him so hard. What he was wasn’t “real” but the feelings I had had definitely were and it hurt.
We work together and I tried to stay on good terms with him to appease him, and hold out hope with a little part of my heart that he would be nice again. But he never did. If I was nice, he was mean. If I had nothing to do with him, he was even worse. There was no winning. No middle of the road. No civility. “Friendship” with him is just allowing the door open just enough for him to come back and play his games again. And his games are never nice.
Loss, loss, loss. Loss of my mental stability. I isolated from family and friends because I was so depressed. I stopped cleaning my house. I started falling apart at work.
I managed to investigate things about him though. Found out he had several “girlfriends” he kept very distant. None of us have ever met his family or friends. He’s not on social media and bullies all his “gf’s” to not have any part of social media. Every aspect of his life is kept separate. Work, family, friends, hobbies, where he lives, what vehicle he drives………….
I’m doing NC and even though I know what he is, and I know this was all a game, I’m still struggling and clawing my way back to peace and a healthy life.
Hi jude yes you are right. Any interaction with them will only bring further loss.
I’m a person with moderate sociopath traits and you’re all weak, whiny wusses. Don’t want to get used? Grow a brain first. Everyone’s out there for themselves after all, learn to take a better care of yourself and not to be emotionally dependent on people around you.
I think you are weak. Why you always need constant source of supply to support yourself. You are the weakest neediest person alive. Nothing fills the empty space that lies within you.
Haha what? Are you talking to yourself? Sure, cause I created a blog where I can whine about my experiences and get sympathy from others. Poor me! The victim!
You are the one visiting.. And commenting. What does that say? Most of this blog was written 2013 14
Hmm very interesting. Everyone one of us is weak in one way or another.
Our true strength comes from understanding our weaknesses and being able overcome them.
Pointing out other people weaknesses is just a sad way to hide our own.
But who are we hiding from?
Brilliant. 🙌 You said it in a much shorter, nicer way lol
Everyone freaking out over a sociopath is just undereducated, thinking they’ve experienced one because someone was a jerk. Which is exactly what normal people are! The Holocaust anyone? Any tragedies? Yea. That was every ” normal nice person!” Where was the sociopath? Not jumping on the bandwagon with ignorant people all joining together to you know, do the right thing, like killing Jews and locking Mexican children!! They’re stealing a lipstick, getting a lover and climbing the career ladder mind his/her own business. IF you had education you would know that a sociopath does feel emotion, and they do bond with a few, they do not abuse nonstop, they’re busy getting what they want in the world. You are insignificant sorry. No we don’t feel for you but we can feel love and emotion. We don’t wake up and morph into a predator every morning. Nah we drink some coffee and run it like a boss. That’s your surgeon and soldier and lawyer etc. We are the ones who can handle emergencies when you guys are being obnoxiously hysterical instead of thinking, Thank us. We know right from wrong, most live by a code – think Dexter. We don’t cry and fuss if you’re gone, but we don’t treat you like garbage. That’s a narcissist, borderline personality disorder, sadism, and psycopath to consider. We are a psychopath’ cousin, which means our brains changed because we were put through so much abuse and trauma that we had to shut off our feelings to survive. Can we be scary? Believe it. Genius IQ and 30 zig zags ahead of you. Can we be mean? When pushed too hard – the meanest. Ah but so can normal people. Every day. Nasty people who get amped up to go after a “kind” throughout history. Uh yes we’re better than you, at worst the same. Your tantrums don’t bother us either, yea they’re tantrums. I have a 10 year old that I have raised alone that knows how to waltz, knows Louis Armstrong and the Beatles and Frank Sinatra etc. He is so empathetic , the most tender and delicate child I’ve ever met. Strong soul, heart of pure gold. He believes in women’s rights and every night he goes to bed smiling. I have 1 friend, I don’t want any others 1 is plenty. She and I have been a team for each other 7 years now, I have never once wronged her and never will. My career helps others. So shut up. People talk without knowing anything and to any sociopath with their superior intelligence you look like sheep to us. We look at you guys and shake our heads. Sad. People are given their life to grow and educate themselves, what a sad waste of life this planet is. So yes, you could be lying in front of me dying, I don’t care, I want a piece of gum. Because we don’t have empathy for you. For a reason. Get your facts straight. Sociopaths are very rare, 0.5% for women and 3 % for men. Calm the hell down you didn’t deal with a sociopath maybe one of you did. ONE. No you got with tools, Mama’s boys, losers, skanks, criminals, narcissists, and addicts. That was your stupid choice. The awesome part about us is that we went through way more than others could imagine to literally change our brain, and we got hard. People come out of garbage relationships and slap a label on it and just can’t get over it. Instead of always pointing the finger examine yourselfs. Many scientists agree there’s a growing problem that neurotypicals can’t handle the wrong in themselves and therefore must find a scapegoat. It’s so pathetically weak. So mass murders happen, war, killings, genocides, idiots chanting to build a wall against Mexicans, because you’re better right???? And lastly going “he’s a psychopath!! She was a sociopath! Yes that’s what it is! Those evil people who prey on us poor innocent little lambs! Yes I’ll call it a sociopath and cry for myself being a victim!” Grow up. I’d rather hang with the Mexicans. They at least don’t whine for themselves incessantly like spoiled children. People suck, life is hard, and you need more education and less talking. Put that up in your memory box. Unless next time to get mangled by a car you could just tell the sociopath surgeon saving you how much you hate sociopaths. We’ll go grab a coffee and you can lay there and think about who you are. Who are you really? What all do you do? What all have you done wrong? What all did you just realize you don’t know? Now the lights in you are going out, was life worth it???? Were you maybe really whiny about nothing? Maybe it wasn’t so bad? Crap, you died as an empty person with ignorant thoughts doing crappy stuff supporting crappy things, knowing nothing and blaming it on others. Hm. ….Good luck you hideous… … Hideous individuals.
Ur write-up seems impressive…so STRONG to adversity…so willing to push PAST emotions & get a job done…but U fail to mention ONE impt part…A SOCIOPATH enters relationships (ANY relationships – work or personal) with FULL INTENTION of DECEIT…even to HURT innocent people that have NEVER done them wrong – with PURE intent – fuelled by HATRED (WHY?…I have NO IDEA except JEALOUSY coz they CAN’T feel much else) – & it offers their weak EGO some sense of delusional POWER over others.
And ur basis for this HATRED is ur incessant NEED for MONEY & POWER to PROVE urselves…a very SAD SELFISH LONELY EGO indeed.
YES…there ARE some ppl in the medical field who are simply there for MONEY & PRESTIGE…but the ONES that ARE MEMORABLE & MOST ADMIRED by other STAFF & PATIENTS…are the genuine CARERS on even the simplist of things (also VERY SKILLED & HIGH IQs – & unlike sociopaths ALSO have very HIGH emotional IQs with ETHICS) – that NO-ONE FORGETS on crossing their PATH…sadly, it would seem…U are NOT one of them….but U can still do a JOB, I suppose.
And that’s WHY U are at this site, isn’t it?…trying to BOAST BS! When a really successful surgeon – wouldn’t have to bother.
And final point – ALL sociopaths, psychopaths are Narcissists…there’s a spectrum to how little connection they have to the FEELING part of brain (the amygdala)…it goes from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (altho often society encouraged – I doubt can be changed)…to Malignant Narc (altho I believe that is entering a true Sociopath)…to Sociopath (that cleverly keeps themselves out of jail)…to pure Psychopath, murderer & even serial killer (that will end up in jail). Known as the Anti-Social spectrum…not coz they can’t socalise – THAT they ARE VERY GOOD AT – but their social interaction is just ‘OFF’.
They are ALL apart of HIGH conflict personalities that include Borderline PD, Bipolar PD, Histrionic PD, even schizophrenia…but ALL those can be medically (if not talk therapy) helped if the patient willing (& wanting relationships)…where SOCIOPATHY – PSYCHOPATHY – CAN’T…as it’s hard-wired…seriously missing something at the pre-cortex level of brain – preventing connection from feeling to the frontal lobes of reasoning…so NO medical drug can help or talk therapy.
The others have a ‘feeling’ part of their brain (an active amygdala) but their outside thinking is hindering them…where sociopaths/psychopaths just DON’T have ANY feeling as they can’t connect to their amygdala or its just not functional…but MAY convince themselves they DO FEEL coz they have learnt to mimick since teenage yrs…NOT out of spite but they felt they needed to…until they FULLY realise into adulthood by 29yo…they just DON’T FEEL compared to others….& the IDEA of ANY sort of happiness deludes them…even ANGERS them seeing others appear happy…& so has them sense an incessant COMMON need to feel SUPERIOR, by continuing to manipulate others thru deception. Their emotional level is stuck in their childhood teenage yrs….& NEVER develops…even tho their intellectual level may exceed expectations.
So don’t step into their SPIDER-WEB altho U won’t see it at first…but U WILL have GUT-FEEL (that I KNOW if U have FEELING – and BELIEVE it is ur BEST protection)…so, I say TRUST it…no curiosity…no benefits-of-the doubt…just BACK away with courtesy (as ur dealing with a psycho)…& don’t look back.
I think if you have one sociopath trait. You need to die.
How do Ijoin this group or other sociopath dating recovery support groups?