Sociopath Test

Is the sociopath being ‘nice’, are you confused?

So, you have read lots of things on the net, and possibly books about sociopaths. You are still in a relationship with one, and you are just ‘not quite sure if your partner is or not?’, how can you tell?

As soon as you make up your mind that you are dating a psychopathic loon, he changes, and has kind eyes, and a smile. Is kind, caring, thoughtful. So, you question yourself and you wonder if perhaps you have got it wrong?

Just as you were about to pack your bags (or his), he is back to his old charming self. In fact, more so. He is back into seducing mode. The rage has gone, he is trying to win you back, so that you are dependent on him.

Other people wonder, why do you stay? (this causes isolation from friends), after all you were complaining about his behaviour last week.

Perhaps you start reading this, and as you do, and start to assert yourself, he suddenly changes into Mr Perfect again. What you are left with, is confusion.



You feel confused, because you feel you are with  two people. One whom you love, one who makes you happy, and another who is selfish, self absorbed, self  centred, who will make your life, simply an extension of his.

When going through the hearts and flowers stage, after an awful spell, when you were set to leave,  it is likely that you are going back to stage 2 –


Remember the code of the sociopath, it is ALWAYS the same (they repeat behaviour over and over).

  • Assessment
  • Seducing
  • Gaming
  • Ruining

The sociopath has already  assessed that you are not happy, and that you are likely to leave. Which would mean that he is about to lose his source of supply. So, he resorts back to seducing mode…. to keep you captive.

What can you do to discover the truth?

If you are in confusion, and you identify with so many posts on this page, but are confused, is this person actually a sociopath, as right now they are being, nice, kind, helpful, thoughtful….. one thing will test whether this person is a sociopath.

Underneath the calm facade of the sociopath mask, is an angry narcissistic person, a person who is desperate for control. A person who sees you as part of himself. He can quite easily switch back to seducing mode, to lure you back in, if he feels that his prey is about to escape. After all, a sociopath never wants to lose source for supply, not before he has another willing victim lined up.

What you need to do is the following.


If he is acting really reasonable, kind, calm, loving, seducing, hearts and flowers –   test him. Say something to him which takes away his control over you. Assert your rights, demand your freedom and your independence.

This can be ANYTHING which is for YOU, that DOESN’T include him.

The sociopath has narcissistic rages, which it cannot stop, or contain, when he feels that he is losing control. Remember that to the sociopath two things are more important than anything –

1. Winning

2. Control

IMPORTANT – This is NOT advisable for those involved with sociopaths who are violent!! If you are in a violent relationship – seek advice from a women’s aid project in your area, to leave safely. Never place yourself in danger. The ONLY advice for those in relationships with someone who is physically abusive, is to get out, but to leave in a way that is safe, and planned.

Witnessing the mask slipping

If the sociopath feels that he does not have total control over you, you will witness very quickly, the narcissist rage occur. You will see that the kind, helpful, caring, thoughtful person (that you had been telling him he wasn’t) will vanish, and in his place, will be a man who is angry, who becomes desperate for control. He will do and say anything to re-establish control over you and your life. His reaction will be very intense. This is the REAL character. This is real person, without the mask.

It really is quite that simple. If you are thinking, perhaps you have it wrong? Maybe, I was wrong? Yes, he has done bad things in the past, but he is just so nice and charming NOW – if you are thinking, maybe it was just a blip. Test him.

Confusion is simply a state of mind. Often the sociopath will do acts which deliberately confuse you. This can make you feel that that you are to blame. Nobody stays in confusion forever. So, take back the control, and test him.

In a NORMAL HEALTHY relationship, your partner will be happy for you to have a life of your own. In a normal healthy relationship, your partner will encourage you to grow.  In a healthy relationship your partner will encourage career progression and be happy for you to see friends and family and anything else which helps you to grow. A healthy partner will not feel threatened by external influences in your life.

  • A healthy relationship loves, but does not stifle
  • It cares, but does not contain
  • It offers freedom, but not restriction
  • Is honest, and not deceptive
  • Is supportive and not disruptive

If the person reacts, in a normal way, perhaps a bit of jealousy, perhaps this person isn’t a sociopath. But if you witness a full narcissistic rage, you will see exactly the person that you had witnessed before. You will be surprised to witness again the one which caused you confusion. Remember that this is the real person. This is the person inside, behind the charismatic mask. The person on the outside, the charisma, the charm, the kindness, caring, is really just an illusion.

If you are with a sociopath, who is being on his best behaviour and trying to lure you back into the relationship. If you are experiencing confusion, not really knowing is he/isn’t he? do the simple test. Press his buttons and see how he reacts. If the person is a sociopath, quickly you will witness the narcissistic rage – and you will witness the sociopath behind the charismatic mask.

Copyright 2013

193 thoughts on “Sociopath Test”

  1. I’m truly amazed at the information I read on here and the connection with my story. I have learned so much about the working of the sociopath. I received an email with a response post. I new for a long time something was very wrong with my sociopaths family. Two sons, both equally as dangerous, manipulative, angry, irresponsible and narcissistic.

    I often wondered how this could happen in the same family; it never occurred to me that the pathology was genetic. While there is a life experience component the major trait is genetic. This explains a lot about my ex’s family. I have done training on how personalities attract.
    The antisocial gravitates towards a borderline personality. I often said my ex’s father was antisocial and his stepmother borderline.

    His father abused his mother, I’m convinced today that both boys witnessed that abuse. I was told by Bobs aunt’s that his mother was badly abused by the father. I am sure this can account for some of the life experience piece. Bobs stepmother told me about times Bobs father would lose his temper, punch hole in the wall, this was Bobs behavior. I’m now certain that Bobs father is a sociopath.

    Bobs stepmother wasted no time in getting Bob and his brother out of the house, planning before she married Bob’s father. Bobs brother richard told me that she wanted no part of he or Bob. I sensed for many years her plan was to keep the children from the first born away from the family. That is exactly what she did. Bob had an irrational view of his parents, he idolized his father and stepmother. At first I thought it was because he wanted the close familial relationship that had been ripped from him, later I began to see the idolatry, it was misplaced and sick. His dad had a hold over him, a very sick hold and was the last person that he needed to be idolizing.

    I mentioned in a post, either here or on my blog that it was never truly over until one of the couple died. In Bob’s case this was his mother. She died violently at the hands of another sociopathic abuser. Her death was presented to Bob as an auto accident by his father, in reality she died from internal injuries after having been beaten by her then husband.

    The familial connection, the familial operating structure, the familial secret keeping and distortion is so strong that it cannot be described as mere dysfunction, it goes much deeper.

    1. Family dysfunction in childhood does play a big part in it I believe Drewe.

      As a child they likely witnessed lies – and also that the ‘good’ parent the victim had the raw deal. Whilst the bad parent – the abuser seemed to get off scot free and enjoyed his life.

      Which taught the child what? The ‘good’ parent was therefore forced to lie to cover for the ‘abusing’ parent. And the child grows up thinking that this is normal behaviour and the way to behave in a relationship.

      If you want a healthy relationship – try to pick someone who has either a) worked through their issues from childhood or b) who have parents with happy healthy relationships

      1. We are not parasites. A lot of us are quite intelligent and more rational than normal people. I personally find that a lot of what’s wrong with the way society is moving is do to normal people, like the fact that having a clutz moment and tripping or falling or doing something stupid that results in a bit of pain is a reason to ruin similar activities for people who possess common sense.

        But I digress.

        Personally, I can truly care about someone very deeply. I have people I am close to. Do I still lie to them? Yes. But I do my best to keep the deceit minimal in both frequency and severity. I see the world differently and I don’t always understand people’s reactions and emotions.

        I live by a code rooted in religion to help me differentiate between good and bad because the line in the sand is sometimes blurred by the waves so to speak. But by using this code I can help minimalize my negative impact on those I am close to. I am very forgiving but also very vengeful to those who consistently refuse to treat me respectfully when I have done the same to them. Again, I give many chances and I let others make the choice of how our interactions will be. I am descreet and subtle in my vengeance. I am not violent and very even tempered but I will defend my values and beliefs and those I’m close to with complete resolve unless in the case of beliefs, sufficient and concrete evidence is given to contradict my position.

        To summarize: we are not all the same and we are different from psychopaths. Please do not catagorize us as the same

      2. Hi sociopath,

        I quite often say how everyone is different. Just as the population as a whole is different, so are sociopaths. I think that sociopaths can indeed manage their behaviour by having a code of conduct to live to. It sounds like this is what you are doing. However, lying to people is a sign of disrespect. I am sure that you are also controlling too, and this can be destructive.

  2. I tried this test Tuesday, wish I would have read this article first. It warns against trying this if the sociopath is violent, He pretty much beat me to a pulp, thank God the neighbour called the police (first time anyone has done this for me) He is now charged and he has a restraining order to stay away from me.

    1. I am sorry that you have been through this lost :(… This is why it is not recommended for someone who is violent. In those circumstances you need to go through legal channels as you have done, keeping yourself safe is always No1 priority!

      1. Hi. Sorry, I’m very new to this! Thank you positiveagirl for starting such a great blog!! But I just have to say that “a sociopath” doesn’t seen like a typical sociopath. I do believe there is merit to everything he is explaining, and I greatly appreciate the insight he is taking the time to show us! I agree with him that not all sociopaths are “trying” to be deceitful when they lie, etc. I guess I just wanted to thank that person for trying to help us understand, rather than insinuation related tionships are doomed and to RUN. I have a very good friend who I’m trying to help, and I’m trying to determine if hes is a sociopath, or a pathological addicted liar. Do sociopaths tend to have very addictive personalities?? I can relate to almost all the things being said, so I fear he is a sociopath. But I’m not running. I want to help him make the most of this condition because is hope someone would be there for me….

  3. I have been in a relationship with a sociopath for 15+ years. I have lost everything that I ever had. Anytime I ever had money, he helped spend it. He cheated off and on throughout our relationship and because I was so dependent on him, I stayed. He never physically harmed me, but there are times now that I question my own sanity. He has invoked a profound anger in me and a bitterness that is hard to shake. I am an attractive woman and the women that he always chose to pursue were much less than what am in the appearance department. I always felt that he would choose these women to give them some sense that he was wonderful and saving them or allowing them to have the attention of a man. Over the years when we would have our times of disconnection he always did just enough to keep me coming back. I moved out in March because of another woman and I have been miserably living with my grown daughters and granddaughter. He told me many times that I didn’t have to worry about my things that were stacked in the spare bedroom…they were fine. I left them up until yesterday when he said more mean things to me than I could stand. I drove to his house (I am using his truck, because I have no car) and started unloading the room… he never once came in to see if I needed anything or any help. When he did talk to me, he had no emotion whatsoever regarding the fact that 15 years was coming to an end and that I was actually taking my things from his house. I am in a position because we lived in an 1800 sq ft home that I don’t know where to put all the things that I had. Again, I lose….I have to get rid of things.
    I have found that many of the traits he possesses are so emotionally damaging to those around him and all the while he is convincing that it is all for the other person. He steals, lies, cheats, twists the truth, and has angry outbursts when he is confronted with the way he treats others. If he doesn’t like the conversation and the content, he states: “This conversation is over”…. He is a control freak, if he wants something, he will find a way to get it, but once he does, he will never take care of it. He has crazy ideas that he is going to start businesses and that he is going to make his own way financially, (and probably could) but never follows through or puts anything into motion. He is constantly starting new projects and rarely finishes them….He avoids opening his mail, avoids paying bills, has not filed income tax in the entire 15 years I have known him, has not managed to pay the property tax on his home this year…and quite frankly I believe that he is waiting for the death of his parents to see if he will get anything out of that. Everything is a big show for him….has to impress others, or try to and likes to toot his own horn. Eventually everything that he does, fails. I am going to seek counseling to try my best to get back on my feet again… At this point, I am devastated, lost and not sure where to turn for anything. It would be so easy to let him put his arms around me and make me feel that false sense of security again because I have done it for so long. When that is all you have because you have done it for so many years, it just feels right and where you are supposed to be. I want so badly to expose him, and I try to ward off others when he tries sucking them into his web. I have met a couple of the other women and actually gotten them to see him for what he is, but often times it has been at the expense of my own emotions. Anyone in this type of a relationship….get out….get professional help, and don’t look back. Never look back even if there were some really sweet moments. They were not REAL.

    1. thank you. I feel like some of your words are my own. But I am 10 years and 2 kids in and I know NONE of it feels real and I’ve been saying it for years that I wanna get out… for a while I’ve been saying I will wait till my kids get a little older. but omg. your story makes me want to RUN. smh

      1. Run. I am divorcing after 21 torturous years to someone I now recognize is a sociopath. I recognized too late the damage it has done to my children. I was getting divorced ten years in and I was convinced to try Marriage counseling as a solution because of my children. I should have focused on getting them away from him. I don’t want to rehash every hurt as I am moving past that but if you are sure that he is what he is, prepare yourself and run.

      2. Thank u Elsa. He just hid a box cutter inside on my bra drawer.
        Smh I am ready to move on its just I cant believe I believed a LIE for so long… Let aline loved a sociopath/bipolar hateful person. It has changed me in ways that I never imagined. I guess it sorta woke me/shook me up to the ugliness of the world. God bless you and thank u

      3. Don’t wait for your kids to get older!! I tried that, thinking they needed a father, only to find out that he had been molesting them for years, and they were too scared to tell me, because he had threatened to kill them.
        My daughters finally began begging me to make him go away when they were 5 and 7. Now, 3 years later, we’re still dealing with the awful consequences…nightmares, self-injury, PTSD… if you wait til your kids are older, you will most likely regret it for a long time!! Kids are fairly good at concealing the damage and doing what they have to do to survive, but then when they’re safe, everything starts coming to the surface.

    2. Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing your experiences – they were my experiences too! I felt so empowered listening to your story – we have been separated for almost 7 months and somedays you do want those ‘love bombing’ moments but remember they are not real or genuine! Counselling has been an enormous help to me and the support of my family and friends.
      As I prepare for the birth of my child – which he has no interest in at all (he has moved on to his next victim who like you mentioned is plainer and slightly desperate) I take a deep breath and know that my son will NEVER see that behaviour as ‘normal’! Keep strong my friend

    3. Wow Karen you were ?married to a true sociopath, my eyes open up after 10 yrs married. They are parasites, you try to make thing work, but they drain you on all levels..

    4. Holy heck! I feel like I’m reading about MY life with MY husband, pretty much word for word! I’m beginning to think he really is a sociopath..

    5. I hope that at this writing, things have come together for you. I want you to know how your story has helped me see things much clearer in my own circumstances. Hopefully, I have your courage to finally change my things in my life.

    6. OMG! I said so much of these exact same words to my counselor only yesterday. I have lost myself… I left two months ago only to find myself paralyzed with grief… and almost ready to go back to the monster I know than the darkness… I’m so lost and yet still, I find a letter on an old email sent just last week where he’s telling some girl that I’M the sociopath!!!

      I don’t even know how to begin to heal… I’ve lost everything that makes me me…

      I’m glad I found this post

    7. Wow your story just gave me chills. I’m going through the samething right now. I’ve been with my bf for almost a year. I could count more unhappy memories than good ones. I’ve tried leaving him numerous times but each time I’m ready to walk away he wheels me back in with his charming ways and false promises. He has cheated on me multiple of times, physically hit me, mentally scared me with all the name calling , he is constantly lying. He even went to the extend to falsify a story about his Dad passing away. He convince me to take out a Mercedes car under my name. I have loaned him several loans which he still hasn’t payed back, bailed him out from jail, he lives with me yet he has only payed rent once since he has been living here. Before him I was very dependent. Was able to do things on my own. I knew If I ever had a bf it was not because I needed him but because I wanted him. Now I can’t even say that. I feel so codependent to him. He has become a drug to me, I’m so addicted too him that I rather not go through the painful withdrawals that I rather stay in this disfuntional relationship. It makes me sick to my stomach who I have become.

      1. I must say. Looking at a lot of the stories being posted on here, and being a sociopath I can’t only give my perspectives. I find most of these stories to pique curiosity in me. And when it comes to my way of thinking. Some advice I might give would be to try and make sociopaths your involved with look at problems with a logical process. I’ve found that logic is one of the most significant forces behind my decision making and interactions with others. The other thing is, NEVER try to control a sociopath and don’t look at us as broken. For us it’s almost like being a family dog. We are accepted as one of the pack but we know we are diferent and some things we just can’t understand. It can be very frustrating knowing you don’t fit in but living every day of your life pretending that you do. As for control, try to show the sociopath how a mutually respectful relationship can benefit them in ways abusive relationships can’t.

      2. Yes I have moved towards that one. However the need for control is still always there. And jealousy. With regard to logic I guess I did that, as I wrote a blog about it. I switch off emotions totally when psycho side comes out and never reward it. But of course there is no learning and the same pattern repeats. If only sociopaths realised you don’t need to own and possess someone. You don’t need to control. If someone loves you they will stay with you. If you make their lives miserable they won’t. Often you press your own self destruct button and cause problems that really do not need to be there. This is frustrating. The only way to stop a sociopath on a destructive mission is to mirror back their own behaviour. The game isn’t so fun when your no longer winning and you cant control a constantly moving target.

      3. Again. Your wrong. And you will continue to be wrong as long as you keep speaking in absolutes. Eh “there is no learning” , “it will always be …. Way” I find that really offensive honestly. It’s the EXACT same thing as saying “black people will always join gangs” or “Jews don’t know how not to be cheap” those kinds of statements are false and offensive and I’ve said that 3 y times now.
        Sociopaths can be very intelligent and can learn things faster than most people in certain aspects.
        And seeing as you yourself are not a sociopath, you don’t have any credentials to tell people what all sociopaths are like.
        I’ve been trying to help you see a more accurate way of viewing a sociopath so I will try once more.
        The most accurate analogy I can use is that sociopaths are lone wolves. We are pack orientated but separate from the rest. And we can be like wild animals at times.
        Some are more wild than not. But many are like those wolves who raised that baby human that they found in the wild who they brought into the pack. They weren’t interested in destruction, but cohabitation.

        You are nearly spot on with one thing though. Power. Sociopaths have an obsession with power. But not in the way you may think. We’re not evil scientists. We are more just trying to be able to control our own destiny and secure our every advantage.
        That is probably where most sociopaths get the bad rep from. Like a wolf, they will more or less follow the person in charge unless they feel that person is doing an inadequate job.

      4. I don’t agree. The patterns still repeat. Yes you can live to a code of conduct…. But see you lose control of something you don’t want to lose control of and the fireworks fly. Sociopaths ARE intelligent they are not held back by emotions their brain works fast. I would say they are more intelligent than average people. Sociopaths need control for one reason … They need control over you as they strive to have control over themselves. Underneath most sociopath is an insecure person.

      5. Not really insecure so much as curiosity towards others behaviour. And fireworks flying, I guess it depends on what you include in that metaphor. A lot of sociopaths take pride in their intelligence and most don’t act violently, but with subtlety. And for many of us. When we seek to control or manipulate, it’s more seen as a challenge to keep us occupied. I was very lucky to grow up with a loving family. We still had problems but respect was always drilled into my head. I am only 20 and I have learnt to control the darker temptations to manipulate and only manipulate if the damage that might be caused would only be minor, as in the person might be mad for a day tops. And if the rewards significantly outweigh the bad. The only other time I manipulate is when someone gets 3 strikes. Everyone I meet I am polite to and offer the hand of friendship 3 times and if each time that person is disrespectful towards me without ever showing any desire to be at least civil towards me. then I see it as them willingly entering a battle of politics and wits.
        But I do believe in treating people well. Mostly because I see every potential friend as someone I may need to have on my side some day in the future. So I build up favours. I’m not selfish with my possessions. I have some extra cash I will offer to buy my friend lunch or something.

        But. I do have a sense of superiority in my abilities over others that I know is not wholly justified. But that’s something I cant really change

    8. Dear Karen,

      I feel for you and all the other people who have shared their stories on this website. I cannot begin to imagine how hard it must have been for you to leave him after 15 years together. My own relationship with a sociopath only lasted 6 months but was so devestating I would’ve lost my mind if I’d spent one more day with her. Which is why I admire your strength. I truly believe that letting yourself see past the illusion and into their true personality is the hardest thing and you’ve already done that.
      All the best to you on your way to recovery.
      My one also used the phrase “this conversation is over” repeatedly, what the hell was I thinking

    9. You, like many others situations I’m reading here; seem to be stupid and without common sense.

      You would stay in these situations; why? No other reason then stupidity and lack of willpower.

      Many of you deserve the terrible treatment you choose to stay with and endure with simply because you continue to tolerate it. Where is your rational thinking? Yet sociopaths are the loons. Good riddance.

      You are your own masters, you choose your own destiny.
      Why blame your partner for the shitty scenarios you all choose to continue to be a part of, regardless if they are in the wrong or not.


      1. Well, there is you showing your ignorance. People dont choose to stay with psychos. Its just very difficult to get rid of them. Bit like a turd that wont flush.

        You cant get rid of them, as they attach like leeches holding on for dear life for whatever they can get as they dont have the ability to create it for themselves so they steal it from others. Often, and including stealing their sanity.

  4. I was married to a sociopath for 20 yrs. Was very young when we met and vulnerable to his humor, charms, gifts, etc. The abuse started as soon as we married. We had 3 children while he built his business as a psychologist. He Filed for divorce without notice while all our kids were teenagers. After our divorce was finalized, he chose how much he would pay for child support, leaving me without sufficient funds to support our children; I had to get a second job to pay for our bills while he sued me to lower support payments (lied about his earnings and was making over $250,00/yr). Cashed-in our sons’ college funds to buy himself a house. Then, was informed he was a homosexual, had told our children 2 yrs after our divorce and made them promise not to tell me. Several yrs ago, he lost his license due to sexual misconduct with clients. Was told that his sexual escapades occurred throughout most of our marriage. Our dgt became suicidal, and one of our sons now has mental health issues. All of these events have taken quite a toll on me, to say the least. But, I persevered, have a good career, and put my children first and tried to shield them from their father’s behavior.

    My kids are now all in their 20’s. Two of them idolize their father; my youngest son has basically ceased contact with me, for no logical reason. He seduces them with money, gifts, etc. He has shown no remorse for the harm he caused our family, clients, employees, etc. My question is, do I tell my children about his past behavior, or just wait until they ask (if ever). No one who knows about my ex can understand why my children want a relationship with him. And, I have been judged quite harshly for staying married to him, although I was unaware of his behavior until after the divorce.

    Any comments, feedback, would much appreciated.

    1. OMG. 1st of all I am so sorry for all that you went through! I am happy however that you established your independence. (Good for you) As far as telling the children… I would just simply show the children this post. If they love you and honor you as their mother then hopefully no matter how much they praise their dad they will see you as more than “just mom” You are a real woman with feeling and shouldn’t be made to feel like less because of all that you had to endure trying to keep your family together… DESPITE all of his bullshyt. It’s sad that these people exist but they are out there. And if I were you, I’d start SPEAKING OUT way more about it because your story is helping me and I am sure it will help countless others. Think of it this way… would you ever want any of your children or ppl that you love to end up with someone like your ex?

  5. Him/Her maybe? It always astounds me how women scream sexism until being sexists suit thier needs. I am in a relationship with a woman whom I would desribe as above. It is difficult for men to come away from these things because “big boys aren’t supposed to cry”.

    Reading through this article hammers home the idea that only men are the problem and women are always the victims – even when the problem stems from them – ‘men gotta (sic) be nice’.

    1. It doesn’t hammer the idea that only men are the problem. I don’t get paid for this!! This was my personal blog that I only started in Feb, I had no idea that it would be so popular, or that men would visit my site. I was writing as I observed the behaviour, and the ones I write about are HE!! When I realised that it was popular, and that guys had also read this blog, I wrote the article where i made it quite clear that it could apply to either sex, really the only difference is society and expectations in society. Men are also more seduced by sex than women. Since then, articles are written gender neutral, which is difficult to write – and not as easy to read!! …. I am sure that if you can recognise the person that you are with who is female from this post, then it isn’t too far talking about men!! I have more than 90 posts – which are between 1000 – 2500 words long. One day, when I put this into a book (which I have started to do) it is being changed to gender neutral. It is a very big task…. if you read recent posts you will see that they are written as far as I can, gender neutral. recent posts – (look at the front page) – its gender neutral, the post you are commenting on was one of the earlier posts!

    2. This post was written by a woman, I’m sure that you can find one written from a male perspective. This was and is her experience as are all of the responses. Gender has no place here, even though more often times this is a male disorder. This isn’t sexist it is her account of her life. This has no place for personal feelings towards the author. You have a choice to read or to not read. When reading ones account it is always gender neutral.

      1. Quote from BPD: Gender has no place here, even though more often times this is a male disorder.”
        -> Thank you for proving my point!

  6. Very interesting. I do find it somewhat offensive, however, that the article automatically assumes that the male in the relationship is the sociopath. I’m a man, and I’m starting to think that my wife is a sociopath. She has violent rages where she throws things around, or throws them at me, hitting, screaming at the top of her lungs and cursing in her native language (not English). One time, she managed to punch me in the nose, causing a massive nose bleed. I had two black eyes for the next two weeks. She often threatens to hurt herself. She’s quick to anger, and slow to calm down, especially during her worst episodes. Often I can get her to calm down with the promise of an expensive purse (Gucci, Louis Vuitton or Burberry). Or if I promise to send $1,000 to her parents, which has been happening a lot lately. She has her own circle of friends, but I find that I don’t have any friends outside of work. She doesn’t like my family, and after my Aunt visited recently, she told me she doesn’t want to have any more visitors from my family. We are in the process of moving, and will be visiting my family for two weeks until we settle in to our new home located in another part of the country. She doesn’t like that we will be visiting them, and complains about it regularly. A few times it has sent her into a violent rage, where she referred to my Mom as a b***h several times.

    When she’s not angry, she can be very sweet and playful. She has a really sweet smile. That’s what I fell in love with.

    I’m in the military, so I can’t really discuss this with any of my co-workers. In the military, someone who shows that they have an unstable family life will not go very far, because it’s assumed that they are unable to lead troops.

    I’m not too sure how I can get out of this situation. I’ve been considering divorce, but I would be the first person in my family to get one. My wedding vows included the line “‘Till death do us part”, which has me wondering if suicide might be the answer. She’s ruining my life, my career and my relationship with friends and family. I don’t see any other way out of this…..

    1. I would not worry about being the first in your family to be divorced. The longer you spend with someone like this the harder it is to leave. Would you want her to be a mother to your children? What would she treat them like? You have to think about your future. As far as the military goes she sounds like she could cause trouble if you have a clearance.

  7. I stumbled onto this blog by accident. I am amazed by how these experiences mirror my own. I left a crippling relationship three years ago. I moved into a small unfinished fixer upper house that I had purchased years ago. I have been doing a lot of the work myself and it has been a lifesaver. I still miss that poisoned relationship at times, But I’m working hard at getting over it.

  8. Wow this article is amazing the father of my daughter has this condition hes controlling and gets jealous of every guy/man I know including my dad and family members, I left him a couple Weeks ago and hes playing Mr nice again. So my family hardly belive me they think im being mean to him. At this point I cant be with him anymore its to much but im concerned about my daughter would he hurt her? Should I request a restraining order? hes very responsible when it comes to her but he always puts her as an excuse to talk to me but I dont fall for that anymore.

  9. My experience with children involved…his not mine…his daughter he treats with kid gloves. He is so nice and sweet to his daughter that it is sickening. With his boys he tries to show them that he’s really “cool”….he is NOT! He doesn’t want his family to know how sick he is and at times has even told me to stay away from his family. He knows I will share his ugly truth. I must say…get whatever you can either in writing or pictures…document everything and date it. Good luck, I was diagnosed with PTSD because of 16 years with him. Get out…don’t look back!

  10. ohh my god!!!!after reading all your stories i feel totally lost and sad…because he’s completely changed my way of life.I’ve been married for the past 2 years and once even got a black eye which was shut for 15 days!!! I wanted to leave then but he kept me coming back…i tried your test unknowingly and he threw huge suitcases towards me and banged my head on the wall.This marriage was against my parents will and i dont know how to go back.I’m extremely hurt and have too muster up the courage to stand on my feet again.

    1. This is why I say that it is not recommended for someone who is violent. Now that you know the truth you need to get out safely. Do you have people around you for support? Someone who can help you to leave safely?

      If he is violent – do not play games. Do not let him know that you are leaving or where you are going. Make sure that you have things that are important to you. So that you do not need to return (birth certs, passport, mobile phone, access to bank accounts) as soon as you leave cancel joint bank accounts. Go careful with internet or phone anything that he could track you to see where you are going.

      Getting out safe is the most important. If you do not have support if you have been isolated from everyone, look up if there is a local domestic violence project in your area. If he has been violent towards you, this will not change. Please get out safely.

  11. Grammy. My problem is my grand daughter she is quick to anger, and manupliate, I thought is was just me because she was hurt because no one else would take her in because she was pregnant. Well she met a great man and they were married about a month ago, she is trying to control his life the way she has been doing to me. She keeps inviting his best friend over when her husband is at work, and flirts openly with him in front of her mother in law. The other night the friend fell asleep and she had her husband go to bed and she sat all night by the friend. I am so ashamed, she seems to justify her behavior. I did not realize she was so bad. I always felt her bad behavior was because she lost her father to brain cancer when she was six, he was my son. I just am at a loss. I did tell her if she was unhappy in her marriage to leave, I rented the house for them, but he says in the house because she can not hold a job, and according to her it never her fault. Heart sick.

    1. Hi sally, no doubt you feel a sense of responsibilty and also sadness thatb your granddaughter is like this. Especially since the loss of your son many years ago. However only she can be responsible for her behaviour. Ok her father died when she was young. But she shouldn’t use this to justify her behaviour.

      Also this is not your fault. It sounds as of you care deeply about her. And her actions have caused you to feel shame and hurt. Remember that we are all responsible for ourselves in life. You cannot be responsible for her. Many of us have had rough childhoods and do not use this as an excuse for treating others badly. If she feels this way perhaps she would benefit from counselling. You know it’s ok to love her but to not love her behaviour. Seperate the two things. If you can. You do not say how young she is? Do you think that this is perhaps a sense of immaturity?. If it all goes wrong because of her actions. Remind her that it is her own actions that have caused this and perhaps she needs to resolve it.

      Sometimes you have to distance yourself from someone. Make it clear whilst you love her. You find her behaviour disrespectful. Bear in mind nothing you can do will change her or her behaviour you can only change your reactions towards her behaviour.

  12. It still blows my mind to read of other people’s experiences and understand that this type of psychiatric pathology exists. I was shocked to discover the details of my ex-husbands manipulation, lies, and alternate lives. The best policy by far is “no contact”. Despite his maneuvering via the legal system to continue to play a role in my life, I have been much clearer with my thought pattern and plan of action in my life. Best of luck to all!

  13. My friends and family didnt like him and saw him as a liar and parasite. . I felt sorry for him and excused his behaviour and drinking due to his sad life stories and the trauma he went through when his wife and child were killed by a drunk driver . Thought it strange tho he drank and drove esp with me in the car . He always questioned me if I was with another man and accused me of lying . He told me I was the love of his life and wanted to marry me . He said noone would love me like he did and if i left him i would end up old and lonely .After 4 yrs of me not giving in to marry him he found someone else behind my back – an exnun would u believe ! As soon as she said yes to marry him his “love’ for me completely stopped – he didnt want anything to do with me – he just went from hot to cold instantly . Still never believed he was a sociopath until I found out his wife and child were not killed and are alive ! He told that story many times and cried each time – OMG – what a good liar . So many other things he said were more than likely lies too . My friend who had known sociopaths picked it when she met him, why didnt I listen ! I wrote his new wife a letter , which she read – hope she sees through him and is saved years of unhappiness .

    1. Hi Pauline welcome to the site. Your ex sounds like mine. Who would fake someone’s death?) Guess they do whatever they want as they have no conscience so why not go to town?

      1. My daughters sociopathic ex-boyfriend faked having terminal cancer. I got suspicious when she told me he never had surgery, chemo or radiation. Then he started making trips to Mexico and wouldn’t take her. He said he was going for alternative Cancer treatments, yet he took his single buddy with him and they stayed at a 5 star resort. He is pathetic, and thank god she initiated no contact a few weeks ago. He is 46 she is 25.

  14. My husband of 9 yrs exactly now the new victim is wealthy and also married.I m in eureka ca. RUSSELL ll mark Thomas. Hers. Christie Ann peters she’s forging PitBull bites his cert service dog. Federal crime. And I did brake free I told him “I have no more respect for him don’t touch me again. Blew. Up.

  15. Run rabbit run run run. – that’s what I’ve done. Or rather he couldn’t find a job in our town in SA and had to go 1,100Km to find work. I point blank refused to leave Town, My excuse- I have grandchildren and am NOT leaving. That was 2010.
    I had a nervous breakdown in 2008 after living abroad with him for three and a half years. He abused me for most of our time together, mentally and physically. He is a big man with hands like spades. I had broken ribs. Blue swollen eyes, blue jaws. He spied on my phone, knew all I was doing and going, he down graded my looks and my personality, my clothes. He spiked my drinks.
    Then one day I bought a book. Read it and hid it away and then I started very innocently , to do the same to him. Cold and calculating and mean, and I enjoyed every minute of it.
    When he made remarks. I turned on him, what his face and big neck looks like, his fat drooping ass. His big ball of a tummy.

    He, I could see was amused. I kept on with it and soon he stopped it. When he hit me again – I slipped into a mad rage. I had a nervous breakdown on the plane on my way back home. (Had to come back my father of 90 got ill). He still said we all (my family) made it up, its a lie.
    When I got home I went to see a Dr and was sent to a Gov Hosp for a month, I was litterally locked up in there. He followed when he heard and wanted to take over my bank acc’s and bond. Lied to my psychiatrist, he so good at lying and manupilated the poor young inexperienced woman Doctor, and she believed all his lies. Sic ,,
    Then he came home for good from overseas, then the drinking got worse. Started to abuse me again
    I turned on him. I did the same. I hit him I pushed him I scratched him. Scarred his face. I was so aggressive, couldn’t stop myself. He was so scared of me then, when I move closer to him when he yelled at me, he begged me not to come close and hit him. . And that made me felt Good. Sorry NOT the right thing to DO. But I wanted to pay him back for the misery heart ache abuse and all he did to me!!!
    Today, 3 years later, I am a happy woman, I made lots of friends, have a friend, he is a lovely person and what a pleasure to be with a person who has the same personality every day. Always the same good caring loving person.
    How did I see this website. I bought the Longevity edition IX 2013, magazine. The article “The Pathology of Sociopathy – The Wolf among the Sheep was excellent describing THEM !!
    “In Martha Stout’s book -(she is a clinical instructor at Harvard Medical School) – The Sociopath Next Door – she describes them as people lacking in guilt and remorse in relation to other people’s rights. — someone with little’ if no, conscience. For the sociopath, people are pieces on a chessboard, objects strategically moved as means to an end for sexual, financial or social gain; they give little regard to the effects or aftermath of their actions.
    Sociopaths learn from an early age to mimic normal emotional responses. It is this crefully crafted, chamelion-like nature that makes them the perfect boyfriend, the loyal friend, and the primary reason why it is so difficult to disegage from a sociopath: they’re an untouchable breed of radiant.
    My wish for you all, leave them as soon as possible. May this help you to recover after your ordeals, and to love yourself again, like I do now!, and be a happy person again.
    Eli. God bless

  16. Such horrific stories and I could add a few, I was married to a sociopath for 20 years I really believed I was the crazy one after a strange chain of events I had a window of opportunity to get him to leave. I could never leave him as he threatened I would never see the kids and be destitute as it was I was pretty socially isolated and had no access to bank accounts. I have tried to be amicable but known deep down I should have totally severed the cord there and then but have now. Masie above is right and certainly the best advice I would give to. Breaking all contact has given me full closure on all the crappy abusive events of the past and he can no longer show up at the door with his nice guy win you over smile. Although I am concerned for my 18 year old and 15 year old daughter. As it is my 18 year old has endured abuse physical and mental from him. It was actually her who raised it to me that he was a sociopath. I had spent so many years trying to make him happy and protect the kids from his anger outburst and just get through the day with the help of alcohol that I couldn’t see the trees for the forest. She takes or leaves him, but my 15yr old just has a beautiful personality and cant see the bad in anybody, and I am deeply concerned that she will be his next victim although she is not blind to his faults or the abuse I have suffered. I am treating both the girls as adults and allowing them to sort their own relationship with their dad as they see fit. They both have mobiles to communicate with him. I don’t think he cares about them at all but will need to be seen to do the right thing, although hasn’t seen much of them at the moment he is being totally charming to her at the end of the day he is her father but I am concerned. If he mistreats her I really don’t think I can be held accountable for my actions. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    1. As someone who co-parents with a person who has several (okay, all) traits of a NS, it’s very difficult to try and “protect” your children. If you keep them from the NS, to protect them from the abusive behavior, your keeping them from said parent. If you let them be with the NS, you didn’t “protect” them from their abuse. Either way you lose. I think it depends on the age of the child and what they witnessed first hand. Sometimes the children have to learn first hand, the difference between your house and a NS house, no matter how much you try to protect them from it. I had a very high attorney bill, obviously the court didn’t care either. Best wishes.

    2. Hi titanium, welcome to the site!! 🙂

      Must be tough for you, that you have broken contact, but then having the concerns and the worries for your daughters. Sociopaths are selfish and think only of themselves. It think they see their children as their own possessions. I expect you know this. As your daughters are getting older. They will make decisions for themselves. And if you stopped them from seeing their father, he would only turn this around on you.

      1. No I don’t really know to much about sociopaths. It was clear from honeymoon 20yrs ago that my husband was a very difficult man to please and keep happy and I couldn’t do anything right with out meals been thrown at walls or doors kicked. It’s only now things have become crystal clear and the realization that he was a sociopath with high intelligence, the king of manipulation and charm used to his advantage from people he could get something from, that I have real closure on our relationship and confident in the fact that I am not crazy. Yes I was aware that courts aren’t really interested and as my daughter 15 needs to make her own choices at least my head is in a good space now to monitor things. I didn’t mention I had a 13 year old boy but it is the only thing I allow my husband to txt me over what time he picks him up. It was near impossible to even set this up but was quite clear that my husband deals with me over him or provides me with a parenting plan. He has complied but my sons relation ship very different with his dad than my middle child. He treats his son more as a friend and best buddy talking about all sports. So thanks for the advice. So is it good or bad that he see the kids as possessions? because he was never that interested in the middle child or even son when they where born it was all about the eldest. I was shut out not let in emotionally at all he convinced her I didn’t love her. He was always so over the top with her and she became quite a difficult attention seeking child and she does have some odd personality traits as she got older her dad and her used to gang up against me and he used to always agree with everything she said it was a real double whammy, the other 2 are fine but then he just wasn’t in their life as much as infants/kids. He wasn’t interested in them much. It was the eldest that pointed out her dads sociopathic behaviour because she could identify with some traits so am not concerned about her, just the middle one. Also for the record my eldest knows it was all wrong siding with him but easier to be on the winning team with her dad and we have an excellent relationship now she knows I love her and has been a real tower of strength to me. She to has had counselling.

  17. Also I my 15year old is aware that other houses were not like ours used to be and that other dads weren’t like theirs. They never understood why I never left. so do have insight and guess this is reassuring that he will not manipulate her.

  18. Wow…my husband meets all of these criteria!! I’M DONE!!! …and we just got married July 17th….OF THIS YEAR!!! 5 1/2 months and this behavior came with a vengenance, little things happenned in the past but I shrugged it off, but not now…gotta get out

  19. My ex-husband was a classic sociopath. I know that now and suspect his father is also a sociopath. I was targeted because I had access to something he wanted and a great job. Now I am on an invalids benefit, because his maniputlation and abuse drestroyed my career and my health. His father’s lawyer basically saw that I got as little as possible out of the marital split. I got something, but lost what really mattered to me. My friends had tried to warn me, but I had also had a sociopathic boss as well who was exploiting me too. I finally escaped after he threatened to murder my grandmother, he had already made two attempts on my life after my career went down the gutter.

    I have PTSD from childhood abuse as a ward of the state, and this has lead me to be targetted repeatedly by sociopaths.

    I met a Pastor called Brent Jones (Christ Our Redeemer Anglican Church, Okalahoma City, OK, United States) at a PTSD site. I am a compassionate Christian and felt for him as he told a story of how his mother had been abusive towards him etc (probably lies now me thinks, as she took him to the hospital). Over a period of 4 days he had gone from lovesongs and a promise of marriage latter in the year after we had gotten to know each other better, to telling me I was ‘a bit off’ an unfriending me. I’ve had some othe majar trauma recently and this rollercoaster E-relationship left me very raw. My only guess is that he was bored as he was sick and housebound, and when he couldn’t get any advantage from a relationship with me (He wanted to move country, and get disability benefits here), he moved on to his next victim. The worst part of this is he had me apologising to him repeatedly and trying to contact him.

    I’m generally a ‘strong’ person and don’t like being duped. I don’t know if naming him here and his parish will help anyone. But I can’t bear that another Christian woman would be hurt by him.

    1. Hi Elizabeth, welcome to the site…. if you copy and paste this post onto the you will get support from others too.

      I am really pleased to see you here, as I saw you on the PTSD group and was alarmed by your post.

      My thoughts when you said that he had said you were ‘a bit off’…. rang alarm bells. He has said that he also has PTSD yet he called you off? That sounded alarm bells for me. Welcome to the site!! 🙂

  20. I am currently dating a sociopath yet again….. He lies about any and everything but mostly to benefit himself. He has no remorse for the pain or problems he causes me. He will even say he’s been crying and will try to fake cry but no tears…. He’s currently begging me for one more chance which I will not give him thanks to these posts. He says he’s going to commit suicide and has no reason to live without me. Now he’s rushing to start therapy because I said he needs to get some help. He’s happy and sweet and very lovable and fun to be around until I begin to doubt his lies. He then becomes full of rage and will not stop trying to convince me that he’s telling the truth. He will go to any extent to make me believe him until he is finally pushed against a wall and the truth is obvious. The bigger problem is this, I seem to attract and be attracted to these type of people. When we first meet it is intoxicating we are so much in love. Then I start to see the lies, jealousy and anger. I am an strong person, gainfully employed in the medical field , a very good mother…. I am also very sweet and caring. I have a problem with wanting to help everyone and believing that everyone is generally good until proven other wise. I really don’t want to change that…but I really want a long term healthy relationship. I want to really be loved by someone with the ability to love me in every sense of the word. As we know sociopaths are not capable of this…. So what do I do?

    1. Hi Kimberly,

      Welcome to the site. They love to throw on the waterworks display. I guess you need to ask yourself, why are you attracted to people like this? Is it because they sell you back exactly what you are looking for, by mirroring you, offering you everything that you think is missing in your life? If so, you can change this, by fulfilling those things for yourself, and being happy within yourself. Then you might not want to be with someone like this.

    2. I’ve just very recently learned that I have been a magnet for them, too. It’s so astonishing to actually realize this. I would question my perceptions about his behavior, but I craved the closeness so much I ignored my own warning signals and let it all slide until a very unfortunate event in which he lured me into believing him, even after I was almost positive he had lied to me!!! And almost positive he had stolen from me. But no, I go ahead and let him USE me. I wanted to trust him and believe in him to pay me back, but $300 turned into $600 and he never did help with things he previously said he would contribute to, so I’m out a good $1,000 and missing things from my home!!! He got arrested for trespassing at a casino and having a warrant for theft!! I was shocked so I went to go talk to his dad and that’s when I learned the REAL TRUTH. Most of what he ever told me were LIES. And I was intimate with him. I CAN’T believe anything now!! I think he got released a couple days ago, but I need to be careful and strong because part of me WANTS to still be with him…talk to him…get my money back etc. They can be very alluring, and comforting, but none of it is really TRUE. It’s so hard for a loving, trusting, nice, honest, compassionate and caring person to IMAGINE people exist for the sole purpose to LIE AND DECEIVE and get all they possibly can out of you, ONE OF THEIR MANY VICTIMS all in the false name of LOVE:-(

  21. Wow!!! Reading these posts is like reading about my life! I met my husband 5 years ago and married him a 1 1/2 yrs ago. He wooed me and made me feel like the most amazing woman in the world. He was very intense about his love for me and said he was always going to be there for me. But……when he didn’t like something or didn’t get his way he would lose his temper and fly into fits of rage. He would throw things, punch holes in the wall, yell and scream. The list goes on and on. He threatened suicide several times to gain control. He never held a job for more than 4 or 5 months. As a result I have lost all my savings and my house. The latest incident was 6 weeks ago in which I woke up and took control. He was arrested and remains in jail. I am an educated intelligent woman that fell for the master manipulation of a sociopath. They are so skilled it is mind boggling. I have started my life over again but I am safe and have started my journey to recovery. His charm and intense passion makes it confusing and difficult to move on but it is necessary to do in order for me to find happiness and contentment in my life. Thanks for making me feel like I am not alone!

    1. I SOOOOOOOOOOO agree with you, dear!! I’ve been slowly coming to realize this brand of person in life and how victims are chosen. Sad thing is my first love was one of them. It took me a good 10 years to finally see the dangerous and plotting steps taken by him that kept escalating from choking me, violence, intimidation, property damage, wreckless driving and finally bringing a gun into my house and me and my good friend had both had dreams of him killing me and our two babies. He would get crazy mad and cause me and my 7yr old fear and panic. He finally moved on to some other unsuspecting victim and soon his family could see his pattern of using women!! It went on and on and he would STILL try to come back to me and have sex and that’s when I had the experience that he was evil. He didn’t care about our kids. He just cared about getting sex from me. It was beyond disgusting. He was SICK. Now, I’ve spent the last three years realizing my eldest is alot like him and she hooked up with ANOTHER ONE, so they are on the same unrealistic page, always using people, lying, all for the sake of self-gratification, doing whatever they want and not caring who they take from or the effects of their actions. It’s been excruciating to me because I have 3 granddaughters seeing these bad behaviors from them: fighting, yelling, cursing, etc. But they PRETEND on the OUTSIDE and it’s just enough to keep the kids:-( I want there to be HOPE for my daughter to see the light and WANT TO CHANGE, but all her life she’s never thought she had a problem and despises counselors…she’ll just lie to them. I HONESTLY CAN’T BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY SAY ANYMORE! All I can do is try to protect myself from their deceitful ways and be as much of a loving and good influence to my grandkids as I can as I see them REGULARLY!!! But often they try to use them as leverage if they don’t get their way. It’s deplorable to use kids as ransom. You want to see them…well I need money or they don’t need to see you…I’m extremely disappointed that the daughter I did my best to raise is like this and she’s always tried to blame me for her actions. Well, I know better, now. I used to feel so guilty, but I am not the one without a CONSCIENCE!!!!!!!! To see the effects of their atrocious behavior on my grandkids feels like a dagger to my heart and I try to show them and have talks with them about doing the right thing, but they see them lie all the time and steal. I used to be afraid that if I did or said anything, she wouldn’t let me see them. One time CPS was involved because of a fight and she thought I called them and wouldn’t let me see them for over 4 months…I barely survived, knowing I couldn’t be there for them, the calm in their storm. It was devastating for them, too. It’s all true. They only care about themselves, kids are pawns, use anyone you can, milk them dry, lie, cheat, steal, disregard the law and authority, no remorse or empathy or true love for anyone, but THEMSELVES and boy, can they ever pitch a fit, an almighty RAGE, anytime you get to questioning their motives, intentions or degree of truthfulness. They DON’T want anyone to know ANYTHING about THEIR business!!! If you’re telling the truth, you shouldn’t have to HIDE. CONTROL FREAKS/MASTER MANIPULATORS…..I used to think she was just an awfully STRONG-WILLED child, that I had damaged her somehow, how could I make it up to her/fix life for her. I was given the blame by her father’s family. It was because I didn’t know how to control her. I was too weak/stupid. Guess what? IT RUNS IN YOUR FAMILY, NOT MINE, boy do I want to cuss right here, but I won’t:-D. I’ve always done EVERYTHING I possibly could for her to help her heal, but she would always refuse and just blame her behavior on the fact that I picked such a loser as her father. We were such a good example, well, I only let HIM stay with US, while I paid all the bills, for 1 year. When I was still pregnant with her sister, I saw the increasing use of force by him as a RED FLAG to get him out before my unborn child got hurt by him. He only retaliated for the LAST time when she was about 3 months because he got forced to pay child support. That’s when he chased me down, with them in my car, on our way to school because HE WAS ENRAGED. I was so afraid, I drove to his parents house close by for safety. Thank God, that was THE END of his TIRADE and we were safe. But to have been suckered by another SOCIOPATH was like the end of the line for me. I understand it, now, FINALLY. Now, I have to build up my strength to RESIST their ploys and strengthen MY weaknesses because that is the scent they pick up on like bloodhounds!!! AMEN

  22. I was for out of a 3 year off and on relationship with my ex-boyfriend he’s in his early forties I’m in my early twenties. We met in church, he was charming, funny, romantic and caring…or so I thought. He acts like he really loves God, but I’m confused why he would be mistreating me I he really loved God.My family didn’t like him from the start. Mainly because he kept playing games with me saying one day he loved me and that I’m the one. A day later or after a stupid argument we had he would say that ” I think we need to just end it.” He had bought me an engagement ring four times when he didn’t have money to get it and still have any left over to pay bills or have money for gas. He accused me of lying to him, being sneaky or deceptive, saying that he needed a godly Christian woman. The only reason I felt like I couldn’t be fully honest with him was because how he reacted was unpredictable. Most of the time he would over react to something that didn’t need to be reacted that way too. He would have violent outbursts is what I mean. Quite a few times when we got back together(we were in a long distance relationship, so he would drive down to pick me up and bring me to his place), I would get in the car, I would be hesitant to say anything. Once we opened up more and felt a bit more comfortable with each other, he would start to talk about the future with me again. Next you know…I began to shake, my whole body was quivering with fear. He would ask “are you cold, I have a jacket in the back.” I tried my best to play it off and say no I’m not cold. I was scared to tell him that I was afraid of him, because of how he’s acted out. Recently he cut off all communication with me for no logical explanation except the fact that he couldn’t stay just friends with me, that it was too hard for him. How would talk about his ex-girlfriends in the past at how “crazy” they were. I feel like it was just the opposite. I think he benefitted from me more because he loved having sex with me more than anything and a lot if time while we were lying next to each other in bed, he said “right now you feel more like a woman more than any other time we spend together.” He was very manipulative, controlling, arrogant, self-center and all the other traits a sociopath has. I could go on about what else has gone on between me and him. But I think everyone gets the idea. Help, I still feel like I want him back at times. Why should I miss someone who has screwed me over for the past three years and probably isn’t even shedding a single tear over me, causing me emotional damage, causing me to second myself and my self worth, and causing my family constant pain and worry for my safety?! 😦
    I mean he doesn’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, he goes to church and participates in a church prayer group every week, is there a chance at all that he really did love and care about, that maybe he doesn’t realize that he’s a sociopath?!
    PS: He was my first love.

  23. Wow! You are such a prick Mr. or Ms/Mrs. Author. First of all, sociopaths each have their own code that they live by, we are not all concerned primarily with winning and control nor do we all wish to ruin people. Sociopaths are not cut black and white but scaled on a spectrum of severity. We don’t understand how normal people think in every situation and we enjoy learning about it. The only reason we lie constantly is to avoid persecution based on biased opinions. Sociopathy is not genetic either. So family has nothing to do with it, unlike psychopathy which is genetic. I will admit that you made a few true points. But saying “all sociopaths do ….” Is like saying every mexican is part of a cartel or that every American is stupid compared to the rest of the world. It simply isn’t true.

    1. Thanks for calling me a prick. I am female. I don’t even have one.

      But anyway. You say that sociopaths have a code of conduct. This isn’t true. Many have no idea that they are sociopaths. It really depends where your head is at. With regards to childhood. Psychopaths are born that way, sociopaths are made that way. In my experience anyway. I don’t know whether its true that you lie to avoid persecution, that is a bit ridiculous. You lie to manipulate con and deceive, and because – just being yourself, isn’t good enough. Everybody is infallible if only sociopaths could realise that. nobody is perfect, if sociopaths stopped trying to fake being perfect, things might be a bit easier – I think. But maybe I am wrong?

    2. hi sociopath
      thank you for sharing your perspective 🙂
      I think you are very lucky and blessed with your lovely family and you already have an awareness you are a sociopath.
      peraonally i belive awareness is mosthave awareness live with soicopath. good on you!
      I sense that a person with sociopath feel emptiness or missing something in his or her life so they try to do what they feel good. that’s what I felt from my experiences.
      anyway I believe that a person with sociopath needs to stay with people who truly loves him or her otherwise easily get lost. I assume it’s never easy to live as a sociopath but you can live with if you aware and remember your loved one all the time. do not lose your hope. your loved one support you all the time! all the best

  24. i found out july,, 2013 that myhusband had a double life.we have been together almost 8 yeears now. he has always had anger issues and never accepted any blame. Ifelt he was jealous that my troubled children needed my help and took up too much of my emotional energy. he made me believe that because I didn’t want to marry again, that I didn’t love him; so I married him and I resented him for it because it didn’t make our relationship any better. I talked him into talking to a therapist about his anger issues; he did, things got better but i felt no true intimacy between us and every time we had sex a day or two later, he would find some reason to holler at me. I gave up, quit having sex until i felt he earned my love. 2 years went by with both of us in counseling to make our marriage better; then one day a woman brings me a letter stating that she’s sure he never thought I would find out but that he was cheating on me for 4 years and lying to her. I was devastated as I believed we were getting better it was because he was calling this woman at least 3 times a day and seeing her every chance he got. He quit calling her and I guess then she decides I should know. It has been difficult for him to be truthful and truth always came after a screaming match and proof of his lies. I was diagnosed with cancer a month later and had surgery and chemo. He has been there for me and has tried to showhis love and regret; but because I still feel he is not being truthful totally I can’t get beyond it and wonder if he is a sociopath or just a louse and do I want a man that is capable of such cunning and evil actions and what can I do now, still feeling lousy after chemo and not knowing if this cancer is really gone or will return. I feel devastated and at his mercy.

    1. Hi Kathleen, I am sorry to read what you have been through. Being diagnosed with Cancer must be frightening and traumatic to go through. No doubt you do not want the additional burden of someone who is behaving like a child supporting you. I can’t say whether or not he is a sociopath. What is important is to trust yourself, and your own feelings. How do you feel about yourself when you are with him? There are a few things. Firstly that he has tried through counselling to get some help. And he tried to call it off with the other woman. It is really hard to be able to give an opinion on someone without meeting them, You have to ask the question, how does he make you feel about you? Do you feel good or bad with him? Do you feel energised or drained? Does he make your life better or worse? I think those are the important questions to ask. Labels are not particularly helpful as everyone is different (even sociopaths) some have a heart and some do not. Some want to change, some have no insight, some manage their behaviour, some have no interest in doing so, they are all different, so what is important is how you feel about you.

  25. I was married to a sociopath that used religion as his cover. He charmed people to make them believe he was kind and loving. His FLAWS…alcohol, porn, fathering a child before we were married and did not claim until the state FOUND him and living with his NEW girlfriend (from his church) that I had no idea about. When I asked his family for help…..1 brother knew his behavior and the rest…chose NOT to help. When he found that I asked for help….he wrote them all a letter and told them…she has mental issues and.pray for her. Sad to say….I have lost my son because he has manipulated him and my son sees me as the enemy. Yes….I got divorced….he married his church sweetheart that is 13 years younger….both are now on their 3rd marriage. He has lied, cheated and done whatever possible to TRY and keep the facade. Best part his true colors have come out and he is being seen for what he really is. I have been to therapy and it took me along time to understand….none of this is a reflection on me….like my whole marriage….IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM and because of his illness…..he doesn’t even realize the fool that he has made of himself.

    1. Hi Suaan, welcome to the site. Sounds like a very painful situation to go through. If they have no idea who they are – they don’t care. I think it can also be very painful when someone hides behind religion, particularly if they use religion to abuse you. This can make you question so many things in life. It can be very painful.

  26. This is exactly why I wrote my book under a pen name. It is my proof. I don’t know what he will do if he ever finds out. I’m not sure he is capable of violence, but his anger has scared me a couple of times. He was starting to accuse me of needing prozac, but after educating myself with this website, I just laugh at him when he tries to gaslight me.

  27. Many people in the world today don’t really know what a sociopath is in comparison to a psychopath. So given that they don’t distinguish that much, save for a handful who do the research. Most people wouldnt hire a sociopath. And the reason for my outrage is the callous way you branded all sociopaths as all being manipulative and destructive. So if that isn’t what you beleive to be true then you should edit it to say that some can be this way some can be that way.

      1. That’s because a lot of sociopaths have learned to temper their impulses. Most often the reason are for personal gain. But so is everything anybody does. People all do things for themselves to some degree. Doing good to others for example, makes that person feel good about themselves. If it didn’t I don’t think many people would do nice things for each other.
        I do many good things I’d like to think. I once saw a homeless man going through the garbage at DQ and drinking the leftover drinks people threw away. I went inside and bought a bottle of water for myself and a bottle of water for the homeless man. It wasn’t an attempt to manipulate anything.
        The fact is that a lot of sociopaths have realized that it’s more beneficial to, as I say “not be a dick” because you can get further in life that way.
        What I want is to try and help the world realize that sociopathy is not evil and it’s not good. It is what we make of it. Just like any other person. It’s the choices we make that define us as well as the reasons.
        Frankly I see it as a gift at times when I can switch off any feelings during an arguement and look at it purely from a logical perspective and see the faults in both myself and others. Other times it is like a curse when I can’t fit in because something sad has happened and I can’t feel like other people do unless the event is very significant

        Every funeral I have been to I have never cried. Even at my grandfather’s. But the day my dog died at 7 from liver failure… He was the closest thing to a brother I had and it tore me a part more than anyone else in my family.

        So please. Don’t condemn sociopaths. Raise awareness of what to look for in those who may unstable. But also please help raise awareness that many sociopaths can be good as well.

  28. I just want to thank Positive girl for this site/ blog.
    Sometimes you don’t have as much support as you need especially if you have a small family (where the members may have too many problems of their own) and more superficial acquaintances than true friends. To read all of these posts is so helpful and am very grateful 🙂
    Hope you keep it going. All the best

  29. Dear Positivagirl,

    Thank you and I’m sorry for what you have gone through and may still be going through.
    You are such a wonderful person for all you have done for so many who need it so badly. Like me (
    I want you to know that the difference between all the videos I have seen and the information I have read out there and your blog is that you actually don’t leave the person (who was unlucky enough to meet the creep) feeling depressed and hopeless (like so much info that is out there and is a fact ) but offers no hopeful thoughts or ways of moving forward in a positive way (like you do).
    For this alone I can not thank you enough !!
    I just watched one of the videos and am left feeling pretty down besides the personal issues I’m faced with. I don’t want to feel as if we are screwed and that these types will rise to the top because they have no emotions like us “normal people”. I still feel confused and horrified that I stumbled on such a person.
    Well anyway, keep writing (you are an excellent writer) and I will keep reading and recovering!
    Wish we could all fight back, I feel so angry

    1. Thank you Elise. Take one day at a time. If it ever feels overwhelming try to think small. Don’t forget to reward yourself. Thank you for your kind comments.

  30. OMG! thank you (yes think small, one problem at a time)
    I got so lucky finding your blog and reading all the comments helps so very much!

    1. There are some wonderful people who come to this blog Elise. You are not alone, thousands of people come to this site every single day. I know it’s hard, and so painful. But it will get better faster the more that you focus on pouring love into you. Open the curtains that he left behind, and let the sunshine flood in. Don’t delay healing because you fear he will be back in touch, they often (not always but often show back up) so try to focus on you.

  31. Hi and I have to thank you again for being here
    It is so nice and so rare to talk about this (I still feel embarrassed bc I should have known better) I have all the verbally abusive books, toxic parents (yeah that is where I grew up) and I read them all and thought I knew better. Didn’t realize there are even worse creeps out there(he showed me 3 guns when we were making out in his bedroom/ never went any further thank the lord!).
    So far he had said some verbal put downs ( I noticed but was speechless) sewn through the hugs and kisses (ugh) I don’t date much so it felt amazing (plus the one night dates that I did have very rarely were so awful, you know he even asked me /now I remember). This is the 3 rd time we have ignored each other or he has ignored me. I told myself 3 times and you’re out. Wish I said once. My struggle is missing affection and attention I admit:(
    I know he is a monster, yet I miss him. I did tell my sister and she said “you like monsters” I feel crummy

  32. I didn’t forget what you said. I am trying to focus on me. Just had some other depressing stuff (pet passed, job loss, family member sick) at the same time while dealing with this creep

    1. Life is so tough sometimes, just as you are coping with one thing more is piled on top. I think this sometimes is where it can feel difficult. Iimagine holding water and more and more water is added, it wouldnt be too long before you felt weighed down, and had to put the water down, or your arms would hurt. This is how I see stress. Just make sure at least once a week you treat yourself in some way, to make yourself feel special. It doesn’t have to be financial if you don’t have the money. Whatever makes you feel good. Even if it is just one hour a week of you time.

  33. Yes, this site is very helpful. Especially when the spath is being nice. I have to read to remind myself….This site makes me stronger.

    1. Thank you Natalie. I think the post ‘sociopath and the confusion of kindness’ displays my thoughts (find using search) about this when they are being nice. Is dId write quite a few articles about this as its important one I think. Absolutely.

  34. i have been dating and living with a sociopath for the last four years he has no conscience and no soul is addicted to sex, lies all the time and uses people and yet im still wanting him so sick

  35. Addicted,
    I know exactly how you’re feeling. I had the same situation with mine. He lived with me and paid nothing. I loaned him money so he could get on his feet and help out, but he never did and never paid back. He talked me into buying a boat (which sank because he lost interest). Every time I wanted to leave, I had an anxiety attack. My head said go, but I actually got sick to my stomach. This website has given me the strength to deal with the craziness. The problem I have now is thinking I could navigate through his behavior without getting sucked in again, but maybe I’m fooling myself. In time, it will be played out and we will be fine…I hope! I’m so scared that I may run into another. The scars run deep.

  36. Patterns of conduct. Right on! I witnessed the slip this weekend when the sociopath got lucky to have his two daughters with him for father’s day. Usually, he systematically showers them with money and gifts. He plays Daddy Warbucks and they eat it up It’s sickening to see, because what they really want is something he can’t give. . t’s so important to him that he took them to NYC and gave them $100 each to bargain at the street markets. When his shy thirteen year-old couldn’t do it, she said she was bored, the fireworks started. He abruptly took her money away and gave it to her younger sister and said, “Go home to your fake father.” I never witnessed such cruelty, but when I tried to intervene, he told me it was none of my business and to stay out of it. Before she left the car, he told her not to text him with an apology because it won’t fly. His mask slipped. Of course, she didn’t understand. She doesn’t know that her father is a sociopath. The future book, Dating a Sociopath is just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe just a section….because children of sociopaths need help too.

    1. I hope you are not going to call a book dating a sociopath that’s the name of my book. Which is why my website is called Dating a sociopath I have the isbn registered

  37. Relax….I have no intentions of writing another book. I just think your book should cover more than dating a sociopath. Sorry for the confusion.

    1. Aragh I am embarrassed now I read it wrong. SORRY I thought you said your future book dating a sociopath…. I am still in healing zone. Right now am at the stage where going backwards before any of it happened is going forwards. I think there really really is a need for a book about having children with a sociopath. As my work would only touch upon it. I write more in terms of outline traits and healing and recovery. Sorry I misunderstood.

  38. Yikes…now I’m alarmed. I would never steal the name dating a sociopath. I was referring to YOUR book, which I thought you were in the process of writing from your blog. I am definitely not qualified to comment on sociopath behavior, as you are! You do have a section for female sociopaths. I’m not sure if you mention sociopath parents is all.

    1. I know… My fault sorry. I read it wrong. The more I write here the harder I find it to get it into book as it gets bigger and bigger. I have written a post on parenting but not too much. There is so much court procedures, using children as a weapon against you controlling you through your children I know that this can be massively painful. I am truly sorry for getting it wrong.

  39. No problem…I’m still trying to heal, too and yes, going backward is painful but essential to going forward. I’m still not out of the woods, but I know the path….thanks to you!

  40. I am a sociopath and find myself at times being unkind and manipulative to my husband; the man I love the most. I am so terribly insecure and have low self esteem. I find so many (irrational) things to be a threat . It is exhausting wearing a mask everyday to appear “normal” to everyone. I go to a counsellor and am also on some anti-anxiety meds. I HATE being this way and NOBODY understands. When I’m alone I find myself very sad and talk to myself a lot. I am also a very kind and giving person. I know this sounds confusing…welcome to my life. I wish there was someone I could talk to (another sociopath) who lives with these unwanted demons every single day. You really have to be one to understand one. I wish I was mentally healthy – for me and the people I love.

  41. Am I the only person on this site that cannot find this test everyone speaks of on this site at all. I know the self diagnosing tests, but you folks are speaking of a test I can give him…where’s “that” test at?

  42. I am a sociopath that just exited a relationship with another sociopath. I thought dating another sociopath was the only way to have chance at a seemingly normal relationship, for either of us. Unfortunately, her move to discard was quicker than I anticipated. As a sociopath, I have trouble even being attracted to empaths because I know I will manipulate them, I will hurt them, and in the end, I will harm myself and my reputation. I want to know how to recover my heart. Both of us were able to unlock each other’s empathy and keep each other’s emotions in check. She has already found another guy to do this with, but I refuse to start even thinking of dating someone else because 1) I do not know another female sociopath that can keep up with me right now and 2) I find the idea that dating someone just to heal is a waste of both their time and mine. She has already strung another guy along through this (in a matter of less than a week) and has moved on from him.

    Also, no contact is impossible as we are in the same (small) church and she may be pregnant. We’re still waiting to find that out. For once, I do not have control of the situation, and this is cause me psychological distress.

    What do I do to get my heart back and to regain control of MY life? I do not even have that anymore. I was a sociopath that was played by a better one.

    1. What I don’t understand about this is you ask how do you heal your heart? Why don’t you just move on and meet someone new? You probably hate she has moved onto someone new, but am confused why you haven’t tried to ruin this relationship as you would see her as yours belonging to you.

      1. Because I would rather this not turn into a public relations battle on social media, as she definitely would make it. Besides, in the end I gain nothing from it. She would not come back to me were I to ruin her relationship. The only way possible for that would be if the current guy screws up and I’m there to fix things. While Im watching for that opportunity, it will not present itself anytime soon enough to deal with all of the current situation.

  43. Also, I cannot heal my heart at the moment as she still has control over it. This is likely to continue until I know she is not pregnant, and for an indefinite amount of time if she is.

  44. All I can say is, that’s the hazards of the game. If you are a casualty of your own game, I don’t know what more you could expect. True love and devotion can hardly come from a shallow agreement, no?

    Is your heart really hurt, or is your ego just bruised? If you’re just upset that she left first/at all, I’d say it’s not the end of the world. If she got to you and then played you, maybe you have a hope for something real with someone else. Maybe self-examination could reveal you don’t hate empaths at all as much as you have distaste for naivete. An smart empath could jack you up too…

    1. I have met a few smart empaths, and I have respect for them, but none the less I despise the way they see those that are like myself as subhuman.

      My heart is hurt, but that can take car of itself. It is the fact that I no longer have control of it or the situation that eats at me like maggots.

      1. Well, we can’t have control over everything in life—natural disasters, noisy neighborhoods, the stock market. You seem to be saying that playing the game badly reflects poorly on your self-image, making this an ego issue.

        Can you consider a scenario where you are in not in control that turns out positively? I’m an observer of people. Something funny and ironic I’ve observed about some people is that, while they’re observing my behavior, I’m also observing theirs. In the case of the sociopath, this is why their tests may backfire. Nobody with a mind wants to be second-guessed, tested, anticipated… and, when that happens and it’s recognized, it is considered disingenuous, mistrustful behavior.

        I say all that to make this point: what IF control is not always the best option? What if you give someone suspect the benefit of the doubt, and they realize they don’t deserve it, and it changes who they want to be because they want to see themselves the way you do?

        What if you swing for the fences, and actually hit the unobtainable, incalculable mark simply because you let go and tried? People of this practice often refer to it as faith. It’s ironic because, a person can have faith in him/herself without being in total control.

        I don’t think you’re subhuman because you’re a sociopath. I think you may be cold and hard to get intimate and close to because of your tenacity for methodical calculation, and your unwillingness to (or just inability to see the benefit of) roll with it, including your current situation.

        Are you really less than because you are not in control of this situation and have to now wait it out? Maybe your ego can take it. Maybe once you survive it, you’ll find the incident was less than the energy you gave it.

        I would’ve spoken to you differently if you’d opened up and shared with me what this has done to your heart. Maybe she saw an unwillingness to open up as a weakness, if that happened during your relationship. Frankly, most will be more interested in your heart than your ego.

  45. In reguard to control, you speak in terms unrelated to what I said. I do not seek to control the world, her, or even all aspects of the situation. These are nice secondary features, but the downfall of many. Control of oneself is of a higher priority than anything, because if you have control of yourself, no one else does. Right now, she sits in that position. I want to be back there. I never tried to control her, the desire was never there.

    So you ask what this has done to my heart? It has taken it away, and I do not know how to get it back.

    1. Don’t take me too literally… with respect to my comments about control, they were merely examples. Self-sufficiency can be a benefit, true. To the extreme, it can also be a hindrance. That was really my point.

      If you gave her your heart and she isn’t reciprocating, as we sometimes do with someone we decide to trust, you have to come to terms with it. A loss of your self-sufficiency does make you vulnerable, but as I’ve said, that’s not necessarily bad. It offers you an opportunity to survey your own anxieties, fears, and worries. When someone hurts us and we feel flattened, it has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves. “What happened?” “What did I do?” As I mentioned, does it really have to make you less than because she opted for this end?

      This might be foreign to you, but maybe you could try talking to a friend. It’s good to hear perspective and get support from someone who knows you better than a typist behind a computer screen. You will be okay. You seem confident in yourself and that’s a positive thing. But it’s okay to also be vulnerable.

  46. I am concerned I am married to a sociopath.

    The thing that concerns me is his very hot and cold nature. He will be so mean for a month or however long then when I’m broken down and crying he’s the sweetest person for a while. He’s being very kind and sweet right now but a part of me knows to be careful because I know this can’t last.

    My friends all think he is just the most charming individual. When I tell them the things he says they’re shocked because “that’s just not like him”. He gets along with most everyone. I guess that’s why I’m confused. If he gets along with everyone then why am I so hard to get along with?

    My family says I seem different than I did a few years ago. That I seem like I’m sad all the time. That I’m not the happy go lucky positive person I was. I don’t know if it’s because I live far from my family and I need and love them or if it’s the town I’m in or my husband…

    Somethings gotta give.

  47. Identification of cyclical behaviour is an integral key in breaking patterns; this article is somewhat informative in identifying and altering such behaviours in prelude to their recognition from outside parties.

    Thank you for your assistance – we are few and greatly misunderstood; we also greatly misunderstand the many; these are our tribulations in interactivity. I believe that assimilation of the behaviours of the many; the active mimicry of the average, is key in the sociopath’s successful integration into society.

    To all who share a “not-normal” or “not-average” (and hence “above average”) emotional experience range: you are obviously here because you recognize you are different from most. You are either beginning to see, or are tired of seeing that others do not perceive you as you wish to be perceived. Yes, this is YOUR fault, but NO, its not too late. You can always consciously alter your actions, mannerisms, and idiosyncrasies to mimic those with whom you associate. It is certainly not easy, but the payoff is worth the difficulty.

    Stay vigilant, brothers and sisters. If not for you, youd be no better than the dim glimmer in the judgemental eyes so far beneath you.

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