I know, this probably seems like a very obvious post. Sociopaths are the least trustworthy people in society. They would screw over their grandmother if they thought their was something in it for them (and then blame the good guy) getting some sick pleasure out of it.
Truth does not exist for sociopaths
Trust does not exist for sociopaths
Knowing this, the sociopath will do all that they can to gain your trust. To groom you (a bit like a paedophile grooms its victims). They will be all that they can be, as helpful as they can be, and will seem like your best friend, and the answer to all of your prayers. They listen intently to everything that you say. Watch your body language carefully, and all of your interactions.
Everything is going along very very smoothly. At least it is, when the sociopath wants something from you, and you are being source for supply. However, when source for supply is coming to an end, they will suddenly change persona. Will deliberately engineer situations to cause stress. It is quite ridiculous really.
My last sociopath had been out of my life for quite a while. I had been focusing on my own life. Working hard. Not really thought about him too much, I had been too busy. A couple of weekends ago, we had contact, and decided to go to a festival. (I know, I know)…. of course, that weekend he actually spent some money woo… which lasted a day, and therefore meant that I felt responsible for him financially until he was paid. (how do they do that?)
To show just how much he had ‘changed’ he went on and on about how he was fine going out with me, and wasn’t his usually obsessive, possessive self (previously, I couldn’t use the loo or go to the bar, without him being attached to my side). This time, he was cool. And we had fun(well sociopaths can be good fun – at least until the negative crazy side shows).
During the next week or so, he lived a great life. Ate good food (all at my expense as he had no money), and couldn’t be more helpful. The day before his payday he deliberately engineered an argument, to cause stress and tension.
Then the mask slipped…. I was suddenly back in a nightmare. I had stupidly left my computer downstairs whilst I took a shower. He was around…. so, of course he had gone into my things.
I don’t know why I had been so absolutely deluded, that during our time apart, that he would change. I hadn’t known that he had done this. The irony, was that morning I wrote the post about sociopaths and their use of social networking. I was writing in past tense about hacking computers, phones etc etc…. not knowing that this was exactly what he had been doing. He went home and I went into town, and of course he read my post.
After this, a different man was in front of me. The smiling charming man had vanished. In his place was a psychotic crazy loon. His facial features had changed. The colour had changed in his face, his face was tight with tension. Of course, he knows, what I know, as he has read my blog. And me being me, I say what I think. So I told him that he looked like a pscyho loon, and that he was almost scaring me. His eyes were on stalks. I knew that look, and I knew that despite all of my knowledge, when he was like that, pretty much anything could happen. This was again time for the narcissistic rage.
It has been really hot here in the Uk over the last week. So the french doors were open into the garden. He knew this, and started yelling at the top of his voice so that the neighbours could hear. Next came the raging. it was clear that he had been into my computer and reading my personal information. As he was ranting things that he could never have known, unless he had hacked my personal information (but that doesn’t matter in sociopath world). He was on a mission.
Do you know how I felt during this time?
Each of those pegs reflected a part of me. A part of my life. A part of my world. And bit by bit, he was hammering me into the ground. I started to feel drained, weak, exhausted. He went home that night. I went to bed. Next morning he was back, I hadn’t got up early, but clearly he had, as he was outside the house, shouting, yelling and throwing stones through the window. He was back for round 8. I didn’t have the energy to fight.
There, was another person in front of me. The mask was now gone. Truthfully, he had had to tolerate being around me for a week or so, just to eat. I could see he was bored. I was busy…. but he had to tolerate it, just to get what he wanted …. free things.
Now, to get out of the situation. He was threatening me. Shouting and yelling, hammering me into place. So I had no strength left to fight back. There were constant accusations of things that I hadn’t done. Someone wrote on my Page for this blog on Facebook that not all guys are bad, so he wrote back, that I had a good man thank you very much!! …. (seriously he did)
The lunatic had definitely left the asylum again. I felt tense, I felt stressed, I felt in danger (he isn’t physically violent), but in danger for what he was going to do to me, and my life.
He threatened to contact people. The threats kept coming and coming. He knows that the person that I was with before him, was an absolute psycho who I met when I was grieving my daughter, and traumatised with severe chronic PTSD. So I yelled at him – STOP… STOP…. you are behaving like (the ex guys name) STOP…. you are triggering me. I felt traumatised. I felt like I was once again behind a glass wall. I went still, stared into space.
He stopped. Which just goes to show, that sociopaths CAN choose what they are doing. Even in narcissistic rage. He knew that by mirroring me, he had helped to pull me out of the trauma that I was stuck in, for which no therapy had worked when I met him. And this, was something that he was proud of. He always took pride that for all his bad things, he wasn’t as bad a psycho as the last one. (who would have taken great pleasure in seeing me in pain).
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see me in pain. It was more that he wanted to be seen as the good guy and not as bad as the last one. He left and went home after another day of drama. Which was almost constant. And the phone calls were relentless.
I felt sad that I had forgotten, that whilst I can love unconditionally some people are so crazy, they can’t help themselves. I felt sad that he had once again used me as source of supply, then engineered a fight and tried to emotionally destroy me to get out, once he didn’t need the source of supply.
I could only laugh when he said
Yes, but you don’t understand, the last week or so, I didn’t have any money or food, but now I do, I can be in my own place. I don’t need to be here.
I had to admire his honesty. He had just put me through hell, and I was feeling broken. Why not just walk out the door? I guess the sociopath needs to ‘kill’ metaphorically, what they are using as source of supply, before they can just walk. Or maybe, he genuinely believed that I was doing something against him.
It did make me think of one thing. Fortunately I understand sociopathic behaviour, so I was able to see it for what it was. What he was doing was EMOTIONAL ABUSE. I told him so. Of course he did the whole
- Everybody says
- It’s all you
- I am going to ruin you/destroy you
- I am going to contact x y z
- I am going to report you
- You won’t get rid of me
You know, all of the usual. I wanted to write this post today, just to say, that if you do have a temporary relapse –
- NOTHING will change – the sociopath CANNOT change
- Anything that the sociopath learns about you WILL be used against you
- You will go back to DAY ONE of recovery (like smoking when you have quit)
- That more carnage will be brought into your life
I think the most important thing that I learned from this was, that the sociopath who wrote to me and said – we can CHOOSE to be like it (destructive) – was telling the truth. As when I was broken, and warned him that he was triggering my PTSD. He DID stop. He continued later, but he did stop, and it wasn’t as relentless and mentally abusive as before.
So, Sociopaths CAN choose to be the way that they are. They CAN choose to stop. Just that most of the time they won’t. As –
- Winning
- Being in control
Is more important. The sociopath has to win, and has to be in control. At all times. Even when they are in the wrong, they still have to win, and be in control. Nothing is ever their fault, and when you are being accused of something that you hadn’t done, and being relentlessly pursued, after being groomed – you can feel like you are having a nervous breakdown. The sick things that he threatened to do, were once again quite unbelievable.
One thing that did interest me, was how his facial features changed again. I know, just by looking at his face when he is on psycho meltdown. His eyes are on stalks and are cold, hard and staring, the colour almost drains from his face, and his face looks tense. You can feel the tension in the air. It IS scary.
This is how it really is, being with a sociopath. No matter what they say, they won’t change. They have this deep desire to be in control. To own and possess you.
If you fail and you relapse. Don’t give yourself a hard time about it, or beat yourself up. Just get back up the next day, and start the No contact again. I wanted to write this, so that those who are thinking about it, know the reality NOTHING WILL CHANGE – in fact, after the peace and silence – it can feel worse, once you are being mentally berated. It DOES feel like being hammered into a hole, and it is so draining. I felt exhausted, and did feel like I was losing my mind.
He left, and went home….. it is now 12.25am as I write this. It’s been hot this last week, I sit writing this my garden lit up by candlelight, sat at my table in the garden. I feel peace. I feel serene. I feel calm. The sociopath always – after a short time, brings carnage into your life, threats of smear campaigns, tension, drama, negativity. You will hate yourself whilst with the sociopath. There might be silence once the sociopath is gone, but it is a peace within.
Nobody else can make you happy but you. Happiness is always an inside job. Follow your heart, and follow your dreams. Be yourself. You will NEVER be yourself when when the sociopath, just who the sociopath moulds you into. The relationship with a sociopath is an abusive relationship. Because of their desire to control and to win. You are worth more than being someone else’s puppet. Find the beauty within you. And if you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up about it…. we all do it.
If you have just came out of the relationship – forgive yourself. You can never change the sociopath, or anyone else. But you CAN change you!
Expecting normality from the sociopath…. is really…. like trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole! You won’t achieve it…. instead you will feel like you are being hammered into a hole. Never lose your identity for anyone. Never change who you are for anyone. Be yourself. Love yourself – your worth it!! 🙂
Dating a Sociopath 
I’ve decided to try and open up my sociopathic mind to you all. So here goes.
Humans, by nature, have a herd mentality. Most people follow trends, in one form or another. Non aggressive, and striving to get along with each other. Not unlike a herd of sheep.
Enter the sociopath. A natural born predator, with a desire to outsmart, or outmaneuver, any opponent it comes across. Not participating in the “herd” mentality, because the herd is it’s prey. More along the lines of a lone wolf.
Now, in some rare instance, you have sociopaths like myself, which I KNOW there have to be more than me out there. I’m not unique in this mindset, and it would be illogical to think that. Predator by nature, with a desire to control that urge and instinct. Where do we fit in? There’s only two places that a sociopath can fit. Wolf or Guard Dog. The “Guard Dogs” are just as much a hunter as a regular sociopath, but we have a different prey. Other sociopaths. The ones that refuse to follow the rules and never exercise self control. We’re not part of the herd, living on the outside and never really being “normal”.
Anyway, it’s an interesting concept to think about. I know some of you won’t believe it, and some of you will be way to eager to believe that sociopaths can be “good”.
Even though it contrasts with the principle of not following the herd mentality, i completely agree most of this, as i myself show most (if not all of the symptoms of it, even though i do not believe it to be a disease). Now from what i have found i don’t think that just because people have confidence, and see most others as a problem or a competition or just to be deceiving, that its a bad thing or even that they have something wrong with them. I think its just one way of life, many people live with different mentality’s to life and some are worse then others and some are more bizarre or just viewed as negative because they don’t fall into the social norm. Just because someone has different characteristics and can feel some self pride and be open about it or just try to find a way through life that is successful whilst being ruthless (studies show that most top business men are sociopaths, it helps them to be willing to do what needs to be done) it doesn’t mean that we should see this as a bad thing. however i don’t agree with those that have to hurt the ones they love for own self pleasure, i am in a relationship where i actually feel something special for this girl and she means the worlds to me, to the point where i have almost completely changed the way i am, i’m still conscious of what i could do but i never consider it anymore i never try to hurt her, i always try to make sure that she can feel safe and knows that i would never hurt her. I’ve been with her for 8 months now and i can honestly say that i’ve never lied to her about anything big (biggest lie i told was that i said my xbox kinect was unplugged, i didn’t want to get up to unplug it) but i just want people to understand that even if you’re a sociopath or just normal or have your own issues, then it doesn’t matter if you’re with the right person. Everybody is capable of change, However i dont really believe that its necessary to a great extent.
So what exactly are you trying to say?
If Jaden chose to change for someone, of his own desire, then best of luck to him and maintaining that change. However, it is very uncommon of any Sociopaths to willingly change their nature for an outside person. The standard procedure is to lie, and fake it long enough that the other person believes it, OR to attempt to lay the blame at anyone else’s feet for WHY the Sociopath does what he does. Be it bad parents, rough childhood, bullies.. basically, anything that will make a normal person feel sympathetic for them and allow them to excuse their own actions.
Makes a lot of sense. 😔
Positivagirl,
you have done such great thing by writing all these great posts which are good to read over and over again. They helped me so much to get out of the fog and say NO to my ex spath when he tried to communicate with me again. A person who lies is a bad person and it has no sense to spend time interacting with such person, only bad can come out of it, so the right thing is to move away from it and keep the light of Truth and Love shinning in us. Let them go on their way of Darkness. I wish you all great, sunny, happy and bright weekend! 🙂
Thank you Caerra. I just need to get them into a book. I know when i was struggling, I would go and read back older posts, and often they made sense and made me feel better too. The trouble today, is that I start to write a post and realise that I already have 🙂 Wishing you a wonderful weekend also
I am struggling today. I feel depressed. There has been no contact again with my soc. I hurt and miss the thought of what I held onto for almost 5 years. For the first time ever I am not putting that on missing HIM.
I get afraid I don’t know how to process these things I know about him that I had to push down inside me in order to still be with him. Now I have to face what I so foolishly excused him for.
Any ideas would be so helpful….
*Sigh
Going through severe “withdrawals” and boredom tonight..
Nathan
I believed after speaking to his other woman (and she denied any involvement with him not knowing I had proof) that he most probably told her I was a stalking obsessed ex who wouldn’t let him go.
Since all that happened I have been very careful to only ‘answer him’ and make it clear in my replies that he had intitiated the contact.
Would someone like this go so far as to show her any texts I send him?
Recently I have let my guard down and text him first sometimes,only for him to not answer.
He has pushed so many things at me which refer to her since that I was convinced it was still going on,,,,,,,could he be doing that just for a reaction from me. Just to see the sadness in my expressions?
Do you actually sit face to face with someone,,,but think of someone else, so much so that you have to talk about her?
I never questioned it with him,,,,no point, he would use it against me and say I was crazy and paranoid.
He wouldn’t do it to see any sadness. Sociopaths are selfish, not sadistic. They don’t do things to cause pain, they just don’t care when they hurt someone. It’s all about themselves.
So, if he’s mentioning her in front of you, then he’s probably trying to make you jealous. Seeing if you’ll try and compete with her for his attention. It’s an ego thing. Secondly, he would absolutely show any texts of yours to her, if he though it would help him in some way. It’s a safe assumption that he tells her that you’re the crazy obsessed ex, so any texts that you send to him could be used to strengthen his lies to her.
Also, the fact that you’re responding him, assures him that you’re still at least partially under his control. Texting him first, is like waving a red flag that he can keep playing both of you, because you’re missing him.
PR posted a great article about “torture by trangulation”
Thats what he’s doing when he brings her up in front of you. Not to worry though, because he is bringing you up in front of her, just to see if its worth the fight. It’s definitely a pride thing. They get a sick pleasure in pinning people against each other, in the name of a relationship with them.
I bet if we asked everyone on here, whoever had an OW scenario (which is most) how many times the SOC pinned one against the other, or used false information for their own benefit.
I actually had my soc destruct my personal property, staged to be the OW, to see how i would react and kept asking me if “it was still worth it”. I validated that it was not, in fact, the OW, and that it was him. Because he was staging similar malicious acts to her, supposedly being done by me.
And yeah, he is for sure showing her texts. You are co-signing his lies that you are the “crazy ex” by reaching out or responding…and in his own personal mind, you are still co-signing the though that he has you.
Thankyou,,,,,the last time I saw him,,and it had been a while face to face,,,wthin ten minutes he had mentioned four things which were definitely about her,,,I didn’t rise to it,,,,and then he started with,,,,,,,,,,,it really bothers me that you think I did that to you,,,,clearly prodding me to talk about it all again,,,,,all after we had been intimate!……..I agonised over it for days.two of those things had happened recently,,,,,,he could have only known if he still sees her,,,,,or somoene who knows her.
We always had a ‘goodnight’ ritual by text,it stopped a while ago,,,and only happens now and then,,,,,I therefore spend my time thinking ‘her turn tonight’
I have tried and tried to let all that go and move on from it,,,,I’m okay for a while,,,,,,then he does something else which takes me right back to it all, and I daren’t confront or question him becasue I know he will have cause to call me paranoid and crazy.
It all feels like mental torture and i swing from ‘him’ doing it on purpose’,to it being my fault for thinking about it all the time (imagining it all)
First of all, it’s not your fault. He’s toying with you. Seeing how much you will let him get away with. How much control he has over you. Your inner turmoil is just a number in an equation to him.
In his own mind, he’s in peak performance right now. He’s got you, and the other girl, both stringing along behind him, willing to forgive him for whatever he does for a chance to be with him. It won’t last forever. He’ll eventually grow bored and leave both of you, looking for more challenges. But he won’t be gone forever. He’ll return temporarily, simply to assure himself that he has control over you. I understand that you’re attached to him, but he will NOT change for you Dorena. Sociopaths don’t change for anyone.
I too have C-PTSD. Diagnosed by a number of psychiatrists and psychologists.
It’s not something you want to have, I would not wish it upon anyone. You don’t know when you will be triggered and of course the psychopath will use PTSD against you because of course you are crazy.
They don’t get that the cause of the PTSD was triggered by their abuse. Again they just can’t be held responsible for something at all cause they are so innocent.
Just thinking about it triggers me. Learning to deal with triggers is something which takes a lot of time. Overcoming PTSD requires a lot of strength and support.
😦
Aw I know Survivor. I have severe chronic PTSD also formerly diagnosed. I absolutely understand but I so wish that I didn’t 😦 it is no joke. I do get sick of hearing people saying that they are triggered and that they have PTSD…. when realistically it is a very serious thing to have for those who have it. Like you say a trigger can come at any time (always related to what happened). I understand more of this comment than you realise. Sending you a hug x
it’s absolutely amazing how many similarities I see with all these stories to my own. I am still trying to deal with the reality that my ex fits the into the sociopath category so perfectly. The qualities are so hard to believe until you have a relationship with a sociopath. I have children with one and wonder if I will ever truly be able to be free of him.
Interesting article, however I’m not sure this is what a sociopath truly is. Sociopathic traits, yes but a true sociopath does not care for seeing a person hurt or suffer, they just dont care. Its a misconception. In fact this describes a sadist or a malignant narcissist.. they feed off of others pain. Yes they have a disregard for others feelings but they do not feed off of someone else’s emotional pain.