You know the drill, if you have broken up with a sociopath, likely is, that you could have broken up lots of times. And then you sit in silence and wonder… usually it is enforced silence from the sociopath, to control you. You wonder, this has happened so many times before,….
Is the sociopath coming back?
You wonder this for lots of reasons:
- Can you move on? (safely without risk of carnage)
- Will you get back what the sociopath owes you?
- How can he/she just walk as if you meant nothing?
It is an empty space, that quite frankly makes you feel empty, abandoned, alone. It makes everything about the relationship a fraud (it was) fake (it was). It makes you feel worthless.
The answer to the question is that sociopaths almost ALWAYS come back, if they think that there is further use of supply from you. If they think that you will be willing to give them what they want. They will come back.
First of all, there has to be silence. They do this deliberately, just cut you dead. So that you miss them. So that you think in your mind that this is YOUR fault. So that you feel rejected and abandoned.
It is, like everything with the sociopath all a mind trick and a game. Well, actually at the time when they have ‘moved on’ they might not be thinking that it is mind trick or a game. They just are with another source of supply.
This is why no contact is so important. If you keep contacting the sociopath, asking what is going on, what is happening, they will continue with their life, as they know that you are ready and waiting to be source of supply when they want you next (and you deserve better). If they hear nothing from you, after a bit you will get the call which will say
Are you seeing somebody else?
Hi, how are you?
This might feel like a bit of a joke, especially considering that often he/she is off with someone else.
Take control before the sociopath boomerangs back!
During the time that the sociopath has gone, it is time to take control of you and your life. Focus on you, and healing and recovery. I know that is easier said than done, when you are hurting and feeling desperate for answers.
There are other ways to get answers than to get them from the sociopath. This is the one time when the last person you want to go to for answers is the partner (if your partner is a sociopath) as they will only use this as an opportunity to manipulate you further.
Instead, read all you can. Understand all you can. Let go of fear and focus on things that make you smile. Knowledge is power. Use this time, to rebuild your own life. Find new friends, or old ones. Spend time on you. This is good, at least you are not being controlled, you are FREE!!
Word of warning
Just as you are about to set off on your new life, and are feeling liberated and free, the sociopath will turn up in your life. Often this is a random call, asking how you are, or some other stupid excuse for contacting you.
At this point you might feel bad or guilty for not responding. After all, in your mind there has been no closure.
Truthfully the sociopath doesn’t really care how you are. He/she is really asking
Are you still there for me?
Can I still use you as source of supply?
How is your life now, do I still have control over you?
Have you moved on?
You might think, ‘but why?’ the sociopath has moved on. Made out that they didn’t care about you. Hurt you. You might ask, why are they back?
There is only one answer. Because they can. So, use that time apart to empower you. Make the no contact YOUR choice! Catch up with old people in your life, build a life that the sociopath can’t come back to. Start loving you, and create a life that you love.
When you get the call or text,
Hi, how are you?
Just ignore it and get on with your day. No matter how bad your day is being, the one thing that is true, is that the sociopath cannot make your days better. In fact they will only serve to make your days worse.
You want better? You deserve better? Of course you do. So don’t worry when the sociopath has left your life, and your heart is hurting. Enjoy that space, as one thing is for sure, almost always, they will be back. Even if it is just to fulfill their own narcissistic supply to know that you are not moving on, and are still there pining after them.
You deserve so much better.
It might be silent…. but remember, what healing there is in silence. Do not feel guilty ignoring the sociopath. I am sure they didn’t feel guilty abandoning you. Think of you, think of your own needs. You are worth it.
One thing is for sure with sociopaths, almost always, if they can, they will turn back up in your life at a later date!…. even if this is just a call, to tell you how wonderful their life is, how they are really happy now, thank you for all you taught them…… 🙂
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192 thoughts on “The boomerang effect of the sociopath!”
Wow. This sounds so familiar. You speak of sociopaths and relationship, however I think I have a family member who is a sociopath or has the tendencies of one. Because a lot of the posts I read sound like our family relationship. Right now IS the silent phrase they’re gone without a word. A month now, I’m on edge thinking that text, call will be coming soon. How does family relationships differ from romantic ones? Or can the same rules apply, difficult when it’s a relative.
Great post but, can you tell me what do I say if I meet someone else? Do I tell them about my experience with the Soc or just pretend it never happened because it was a false reality anyway.
Just wondering if you have advice for me?
I hope you are well & I am still here although I have learnt to avoid the Soc’s on your blog 😉
Stay strong as you are learning & healing also. You are human thank god so, remember how much you have helped others as that is your gift 😉
Perhaps as with any relationship. In the beginning say nothing. Just be you. Wait until you know the person really well, and trust them. Think – this person COULD be a sociopath (hopefully not) remember those things in the beginning how they get information from you, then later used that information against you? Saying that your last ex is a socio could look bad on you (remember how they sociopaths describe all their exes as psychos cos they are)
Enjoy the time getting to know this person. Maybe – (they say average relationship lasts 6-12 weeks) – after 12 weeks if you are still happy together then disclose the information. That way is win win for you. And you are not judged for previously dating a psycho loon 🙂
Great, I will apply that rule as I don’t want to look damaged etc…but also want to get on with life in a Positiva way (lol).
Thank you once again, your amazing 😉
I believe the sooner we start a new relationship after a sociopath the greater the likelihood of choosing another sociopath. I have that history. I have enjoyed working on myself. I startied teaching and I’m painting again. Also having new experiences and meeting new people. It’s been a year of no contact. It’s been a good time of personal and spiritual growth. I’ve been firm with no contact EVER again. There were efforts to hook me back in the first three months. I’m proud of me!!!!! I deserve better.
Absolutely Andrew, I wrote a post ‘how to avoid dating another sociopath’ and I wrote about that. if you date too soon, you are not healed and recovered and therefore you are looking for healing within yourself, which the sociopath is very happy to provide for you. Promising to be the perfect person, and exactly everything that your ex was not. Sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing Andrew, focusing on you, and your life. Well done you, indeed you do deserve better!! We all do!! 🙂
Good Girl Pos, Great comment 🙂
You deserve better also 🙂
Yup. I am a sociopath magnet. Even at a streetlight while waiting to cross the street, they spot me. It is uncanny. So I have thrown myself into artistic pursuits where some elderly sociopaths fancy me…
I figure I’ll be ripe for a fairly normal relationship when I am admitted to the home for the bewildered. In the meantime I am rekindling old friendships and trying as my son said to “reinvent my life”. Like, nice advice hon, but what the hell do you mean?? (I say in my head). I figure he means run away and join the circus…or find your passion again and go out and do it.
I don’t know you were meaning to be funny, but you did make me smile bewildered!! 🙂
This is so true. We must feel healed, confident and whole on our own….happy and at peace inside , before we can be at peace and love someone else. It is a journey, but will be worth it. I’m only 2 1/2 months out from no contact and still feel that ” washing machine” feeling inside. The worst feeling in the world is heartbreak. We all just need to keep working, one day at a time, together in our understanding of each others’ situation. I spend time with friends and reading positive websites . It helps, but is still a back and forth process, don’t you all think?
Peace and love to all…..julie
Thanks Julie. It is tough I think, as they can (dependent on the type of them) literally turn your entire world upside down. Then it is coping with the heartache and devasation and whatever else it is that they are doing.
Like with any recovery – it takes time. You will be a smarter, wiser and more enlightened person when you get to the other side.
On the bright side — at least there are lots of people who understand what you are going through and can be there with you.
Good for you Andrew,you do deserve better & it sounds like you are 🙂
Good Luck,Health & Happiness always.
Nice work Andrew! I’m the same, I’m taking my time and doing things for my own development. And I’m so happy right now. It just seemed instinctively right to rebuild myself before starting another relationship.
He showed up in my dream the other night, with spiders (creepy) and then he ended up texting me later htat day, for the first time in weeks. Indicative that he is still spinning his web of lies.
This is what dreammoods.com said about it:
“On a negative note, spiders may indicate a feeling of being entangled or trapped in a sticky or clingy relationship. It represents some ensnaring and controlling force. You feel that someone or some situation is sucking the life right out of you.”
Pretty spot on!
But, proud to say, I didnt get butterflies, or feel the need to respond or find out what was going on in his world to make him text me. My heart did race and I did get a little sweaty/panicky, but once I got home and realized I was still safe, it faded.
Coincidence that he found a reason to text me monday, when my landlord put a sign in my yard that my flat was for rent the day before?? hm..
Good Girl GL,
I had a spider dream also?
Creepy crawlers that the Soc’s are 😦
I am proud of you, keep moving on forward.
Your on fire like a Phoenix Rising 🙂
Ah dreammoods is brilliant isn’t it? I always look up dreams when I remember them. They say that they are messages to you, from your spirit guides trying to help you 🙂
So the one where my Soc is tied to a chair naked,while all his vic’s walk around in robes & masks & humiliate him wasn’t just me recalling ‘eyes wide shut???’ LOL
I think you were there with me 🙂
🙂 🙂 I was thinking wow that sounds like an interesting dream!! 🙂
I have a couple of stories about dreams, and it was how I got tied to the psychopath – really strange and to this day I still don’t understand how it happened. This guy really invaded and penetrated my head space. it was awful. Fortunately the charismatic one isn’t like that, he is probably too busy elsewhere seducing 🙂
Your so right again 😉
Mine was the Charismatic & I hope he doesn’t contact me as I don’t want him back in my space ever. Thanks to you I have continued no contact etc….I think I made such a spectacle of myself trying to expose him & he knows I’ll contact the OW if he contacts me. The OW told him he was never to contact me again so,hopefully he won’t?
I have no desire to ever reacquaint him or his evilness.
Still I did enjoy that dream (lol).
I have been tuning into my guides who were there all along & literally hitting me over the head for years but, I had tuned out because my Soc thought it was crazy!
Now who’s the crazy one, not me 😉
Your the best Pos…xoxo
I need to do a lot more of that too Pheonix, connecting with my guides, what is surprising is how many victims are spiritual. That always surprises me.
The Soc’s want to destroy the spiritual ones as we are their natural enemy so,they take great pleasure in watching us suffer for our compassion & love & wanting to make them feel.
I get it now & so do my guides.
Stay with the light not the dark & we will rise above them 😉
I was thinking the same thing, about “empaths” or those spiritually inclined. There is definitely something to be said about that. If sociopaths are “energy vampires” and empaths are more in tune with energy and vibrate at a higher frequency, for lack of a better description, it makes sense why they latch on to us.
Mine has literally told me he “craves” my energy and that he “needed to be around me”. Ultimately, finding out, because it makes him feel good and strokes his own ego. Oh well.
And yes, mine also initially connected to me strongly through dreams. The months prior to us reconnecting (on and off for 10 years, so we connected and lost connection a lot), he would show up in my dreams all the time. I literally felt suffocated by his energy. It was so strange. And then once we started seeing each other again, it was almost every night. And if I woke suddenly in the middle of the night, I would check my phone and have a message from him minutes prior, even though my phone was on silent. I literally began to feel when he would attach to me.
I have never had this experience with any other relationships..there is definitely something to be explored about the energy exchange that goes on between a spath/empath.
I hear you GL & mine had that also???
I think we have a frequency that the Soc’s sense?
I have it also when I think of someone & they call or text…weird how it happens a lot.
Funnily enough it happens more with people I trust now when I need them 🙂
Look at panachedesai.com….might help?
I REALLY wish I would have read and been more knowledgable about this stuff last year! I would have saved time, heartache and my pride from someone who did not deserve me. Geez life I just wanted to love him and look where it got me! It’s been almost a year and im still agonizing over the whole ordeal. I dont know why I am having such a hard time moving on?? I hate it and I know that I’m so jaded and still not ready to start seeing anybody. I feel like my faith in finding someone good is so slim, why bother? It’s funny how I can read a post and see so many things he did. At the time I was so ignorant and eager to be with him and I guess he knew it. I hate that he pops into my head through out the day and I still dream about him, yet I’m sure I never even cross his mind. Oh well. I guess time will eventually heal me. I just wish it was sooner rather than later.
Yes they do quite a number on our heads & hearts & use your good nature against you.
Remember being stuck is what he wants because, that’s what his intentions were all along.
Don’t let him ruin your hopes, dreams etc…
You just have to go back to scratch & find you again & again if necessary? 😉
It’s a shitty journey we are on but, I know you can do it, just focus on you & not him or his memory.
Keep busy, find a passion, stop reflecting & talk healing, do healing.
When it gets too hard we are here with you, walking beside you & ahead calling you along 😉
Be Brave, you have survived so much mental assault & you will survive this.
There is no deadline so, your frustration that you aren’t moving forward is caused by the Soc. Find out how to move past his mind roadblock, you can find a way around this.
Keep going 🙂
We have your back 🙂
Thank you so much PR!!! I hate that in my mind, I know everything you are saying is true, but for whatever reason, my heart is such a slow learner. I wish I could get my heart where my head is. It’s like I have two entities within me…my head who knows so much and is wise, and my heart who is broken and frail. If I could just get them both on the same level, I’d be good!
Are you spiritual at all lenore? When they keep popping into your head there is something that you can do. https://datingasociopath.com/2013/06/05/how-to-get-rid-of-the-sociopath-in-your-energy-field-when-trying-to-establish-no-contact-how-to-cut-the-chords-of-attachment/ Sociopaths can attack your energy field.
I will send you a seperate e-mail positivagirl….and thank you for sharing the link! I don’t remember ever seeing that post and I thought I’ve read every post. It’s weird because in my dreams he never talks to me and while I was with him, I would dream that he told me he loved me (something I desperately wanted to hear). My ego would like to think that it is just him constantly thinking of me, which is why I can’t stop thinking about him and dreaming about him (the dreams aren’t that often though) but really I think it is my subconcious that is also having a hard time letting him go…but then I also have other odd things happen that may say otherwise, IDK? All I know is I want to forget him.
Excuse my english ,,, i feel the same . Cannot get over this guy . I know what hes done to me ,
i know that he will never change , yet it haunting and find it very hard to overcome the pain. I trully miss the “good guy”
Spanish girl-your English es perfecto 😉
I’ve come a long way, still not there but a lot further than where I was. But, like you, I too, miss the “good guy”. I hate how I miss his affection. All that time, I thought it was genuine since he was the most affectionate guy I’ve ever been with. And he was the last guy I was with intimately. I miss all that affection, but to come to terms that it was all FAKE is hard. Here I was falling for him, and there he was laughing at my stupidity. Never again will I be so careless with my heart. Never again will I catch feelings for someone without really getting to know them.
Espero que tener buena suerte Spanish girl!
Lenore and Spanish Girl,
Oh please don’t feel stupid, ever!! Don’t you see, he was mirroring the BEST qualities of YOU! Because these people can’t be themselves, they have to be others! So he was being everything you wanted in a person, how you would treat a person in a relationship!! How could you NOT love your self, we are awesome people! But please don’t ever feel stupid! Walking away from this whole experience I learned to love myself. You will get there.
I feel exactly the same way. Its been 16 months and ut hurts as if eas yesterday. Please dont go back to the adictive relashionship .
Yea…Once you think a persons a Sociopath. Never go back. Waste of time dude. Take the warning signs for what they are and RUN! Don’t wait to find out….if you have to question someone’s Sociopathic traits…thats already enough.
Yes Luxia, time to stop trying to figure out how they operate & move onto the healing stages 😉
Good health, mental & physical to you always 😉
I think my problem. And it might not happen so much now, as I am not working. But I worked with so many people with problems (i worked 27 years with homeless) people with problems was normal, part of my every day life. That is why I often would stay and think that I could ‘help’ there is no help for the sociopath …. it is just the way that they are, nothing you do will ever make things better the same thing will always repeat.
Yep your a compassionate person who has helped soooo many.
You have taken on a lot of our ‘STUFF!’ time to clean house (spiritually).
Shake off our stuff & heal…you’ve done enough,it’s your time now 😉
Rise up & set yourself free 😉 🙂 😉
Can you block ROY.
He doesn’t get to me but, he thinks he has power so,take it away from him!
The same happened to me. I stayed for 7 years and tried to help him and along all he did was lie, cheat physical abuse me and oh so many things that no one in this world would have ever put up with. You go from saddness, to anger back and forth until one day you realize how much they had control and wonder how it all happened and where did you go, It has taken me 8 months to see the light and it has not been easy but pray alot and seek support and the days will seem brighter believe me. I send love and prayers to you.
We get lost & it’s a long journey back to ourselves because we’ve been groomed & programmed for a very protracted time but, the realization & the journey back is worth all our effort to find our true authentic selves.
The Soc’s are attracted to us because we give them ourselves, they can not be authentic so, they steal ours & use it to woo others.
We have things they will never ever have & I would rather have a broken heart than no heart at all 🙂
Bless you also, be happy always.
Everything you said in this post has happened to me they truly are very sick individuals, like someone who steps on an ant. But I do believe at one point in there miserable life that they will have to pay dearly for their behavior because no one is exempt from the universal law KARMA .
So True, I wish the Karma bus would hurry up though! LOL
Don,t worry it will and you can hurry it up by just believing. Blessing to you dear one and say positive..
Thank You & I wish you a life filled with happiness,love & most important health.
I second that emotion…Peace an Love
going back to the subject of dreams. I hope you all don’t mind…I have had two experiences whilst with my ex sociopath.. I dream t that he was whispering nasty things in my ear. He was saying “that i am the stupidest person he has ever met” he didnt love me and never would etc etc etc. The voice was so real. I do recall myself saying to myself “gosh I can even hear him in my sleep”. My question is this happened as i previously stated on two separate occasions. Both times he was with me over night.. I have a feeling that these may have not been dreams at all.. Has anyone else experienced this ??
hmmm thats a tough one. I havent ever experienced anything like that, but I have been woken up by his hands “accidentally” around my neck, suffocating me. Fun times, right? I never realized how anxious i was, and how much I was NOT breathing when i was with him, until i was away from him
Omg, it could be very well that he was really saying these things to you while you were asleep. Dupers delight…sicko. I had very strange yet similar experience with my ex spath. Although it happened while in seduction phase, when we was at his best behavior and I had only the nicest thoughts about him, I had this really strange dream. In my dream I saw him talking to me on the phone and while talking he was … excuse me for plain language but that is what it was…he was licking someone’s ass. When I woke up I was really confused … I couldn’t understand what that dream could possibly “mean” … I thought maybe that he is doing some not honorable things while being nice person with me? It passed three years from that dream, I came to the phase when he discarded me, I was confused, in terrible pain, not knowing anything, then I did some research on him and his computer… and found out he ‘religiously’ spends two hours in the morning and two hours every evening watching porn and typing in search words on porn sites like : “mouth to ass close” . Can you believe this??? That means that I somehow actually in my dream saw what he was doing in reality, but it was to shocking for me even think that it wasn’t some hidden meaning in a dream, it was literal.
This site is amazing. Literally this Monday I found out he was a sociopath after I opened my eyes to what I was really seeing. I too am in the social work field and fell for all the charm and wanting to help. The scary thing is so is he! Yikes a sociopath that is going to treat people. But, I agree on the energy, dreams and being empathic. He drained my positive energy and the other person’s as well.
It is difficult when you are in this type of work huh snflwr? As we work all day long with people with problems, so it does become ‘normal’ to us. Our tolerance levels are also far higher as well I think. Did you say that he is a sociopath too? Welcome to the site 🙂
Yes. He defintely is one. You are right, my sense of “normal” is off due to my work. However, I usually am able to see it. It has my head so screwy right now.Thank you for the welcome.
This is unreal and reads like the story of my life for the last four years!!.. I am so glad I found this site… x
Welcome to the site Beok!! 🙂
I went thru the same thing with my so. Ever time he got angry with me he would tell his kids not to talk to me and go around and say all these lies about me. I today have a good relationship with his kids but he still does say horrible stuff but they know better and love me for me. Remember when you show love to one that are not sociopaths they will show love.
SO tired of the crazy stuff…. He contacted me a week ago to tell me “leave your drama to yourself and stop contacting my daughter. She will never see you again.” First of all, I’ve NOT contacted his daughter, she contacted ME, & second of all, the only “drama” I had ended when I left his pathetic azz in February! He then went on & on about all the things I “hid” from him while we were together. He stalked me the entire time, it’s not like I had ANY time to “hide” things from the sick S.O.B. Seriously, the guy is so deranged, I think he believes his own lies. And that’s all they are, it’s sickening…. makes me want to puke! I emailed him back and told him I was forwarding all of his emails to my father (a retired police chief) and to our friends at the local police department and to leave me alone or I’d apply for a restraining order. Haven’t heard anything since…. praying it worked… What a complete freak.
Ignore him Kg, he does this deliberately. Remember that he controls you through fear. So bombarding you and accusing you heightens the fear for you. Which leaves you feeling controlled. And confused. Try to block him. He just doesn’t like it that his daughter contacts you. Tough – he doesn’t like it because he doesn’t have control and is likely jealous, they see children as their ownership their possessions. I bet he didn’t like that, his emails being exposed. They are expert at avoiding the law (well the more clever ones are).
funny you write this post yesterday ,my sociopath has been blowing up my phone , ignore the calls but I finally answered the call to see if maybe she had something new to say . all was said was that she missed me and wanted to have sex .she calls from a block number therefore I have no way to contact her .shes calls and totally disregards what happen the last time we was in contact.smh she acts like nothing even happened . yesterday when she called I told her I never wanted to speak to her again and she said ok and hung up.idk if she will be back this time .This has been an on going boomerang thing for two and a half years. this time Is the first time I actually got fed up with her nonsense . As hard as it is to move on .I know I have to .A part of me wants her to call so I can tell her I love her, but I know after that will just come pain ,after the love making will just come tears .And now that I’m about to be 20 years old I just don’t have the time to be picking up the broken pieces to my heart everyday . Thank you for this post at the right time .thank you for the good positive energy you give me from your post . I know that I’m not alone and will be O.K. 🙂
Hi Big daddy and welcome. Read the post https://datingasociopath.com/2013/06/15/the-cycle-of-abuse-in-a-relationship-with-the-sociopath-or-narcissist/ Know that you will go round and round in this cycle, until you finally say stop – no more!!
Trust and believe they will do this over and over and nothing will change. It went on for 7 years in my life and once they get what they what they throw you to the dogs again and again. Stay strong NO is the first step. Good luck and pray.
Reappearing to the sociopath is very simple: it is just entertainment. Just to ruffle some feathers, create some false hopes/promises and then call you crazy for expecting him/her to act on them. There is no point analysing why the sociopath is silent or in contact. All you can be sure of is that the reason does not involve your feelings. Your hopes are simply a little experiment to them. Analysing the behaviour of a sociopath is pointless if you use normal human frames of reference. The sociopath thinks you are a fool who they can treat as they wish and gaslight to the Nth degree. Get out of it and acknowledge you will never win and you will never make them change. Ever.
They use our hearts against us & play with us further if we let them.
We want to understand them because we think that will help us but, they are not salvageable, they are what they are so, don’t try to fathom the depths they wallow in.
Everyone here that is still stuck in the game should just flush them out once & for all!
We need to remember that Normal people do not continually play mind games nor do they continually cause you emotional or physical pain, The abuse is Abnormal & unhealthy.
The sooner we all wake up the less power these Narc/Soc’s will have to exploit our hearts & minds!
Stop seeking advice from the Soc’s on this site as they are just using us to relieve their boredom.
They are not helping, they are just self serving & gaming a bigger audience!
Keep the faith Nova 🙂
Be happy & healthy always 😉
Control and power is the motto of every psychopath. Right no, he talks to me and says he wants to be with me…then he says he doesnt want anything with me…and now again he says he wants to try…Im so confused. He play with his words and the worst thing is that he says all this at the same time he is with his “ex”…is he doing the same thing to she?
Hi wish, you are his puppet on a string & he’s gaming you because he can 😦
Don’t let him play with your heart, you deserve better,you just have to believe in yourself.
He’s a fool but, he’s making a bigger fool of you I’m sorry to say 😦
Get out before you waste anymore time because the ending will be inevitable & you will only be temporarily happy whilst he lovebombs you then he will destroy you 😦
Do what you have to do but, there is no happy ending with a Sociopath 😦
Be Brave, you deserve better 🙂
Yes Wish, I’m sure he is doing the same thing with his ex. The sociopath is a liar and he have at the same time more than one relationship, on a different stage of his cycle. He will return, not because he love you, but because you have something he need (a free house, a free meal, sex without compromise, a free travel, a nurse when he feels sick, a nanny for his childs…when he took what he needed, he will discard and put his new “victim” on his sight)..If you have the chance try to communicate with the “ex” , hear her version of the story, you will be surprised… don’t close your eyes and ears to the truth…
This is exactly my life and relationship with my sociopath!!! He will come into my life for 3-9 months, everything will be perfect, then out of no where he leaves me. He won’t take my calls, texts, emails. He will not discuss any issues. He speaks bad about me to friends and I am just left confused. Then just as I stop trying to get answers and move on with my life he comes back. At first very slowly then full force only to repeat the same pattern all over again. It is emotionally exhausting and I am always trying to figure out what I did wrong.
Yep, read all you can & if you decide he’s a Sociopath then read all about the endings & the trauma.
I hope you find your answers & we are here to support you if needed.
Best of luck to you 🙂
The only way to stop it Bunny is to stop playing the game 😦
It is so hard too when you share mutual friends. He is currently on a no contact with me going on two and a half months. He is running my name through the dirt with friends. Telling them and me I am crazy and a stalker for having to attend mutual events, getting me uninvited to the events etc. Friends accommodate him because they feel sorry for him. Meanwhile I am outcast, alone, and confused.
Bunny, my heart really does go out to you. I went through this, 3 times in a row and it was so very painful. Aside from taking a step back from mutual friends for a while, I cannot really suggest anything further. I found that time alone was better than the seeds of negative doubt being sown constantly in my head., It really did upset me a lot.
Aww Bunny, they aren’t really friends if they know you & choose to believe him?
Don’t worry the real friends will not turn away & you will be surprised what they may actually think but, don’t want to get involved etc…
Stay Strong & believe in yourself, I have had similar treatment by my Soc’s family & a friend but, I know the truth so, his enablers & followers are just a product of his evil ways.
Your not alone, be yourself & be your own best friend as that’s the best friend you will always have 😉
PR Big Hug 🙂
Please, break the boomerang and stop the crazy cycle. I lose the count of how many times he have finished our “relationship” (because Im untruthful, because Im lying, because Im flirting with the guy on the cafeteria line, because Im fat, because Im thin, because he want a new life and start from scratch, because he doesnt want anything with a person like me…because he really know me and who I am – when I ask him, “so who I am?” he gave me a dirty look and change the theme) Every time I gave him a new opportunity everything turns uglier…last time he hits me with his open arm and broke my eardrum (after saying to him to get ready for a birthday party my family have to me) I can’t believe it, but what is worse I can’t believe his “excuses”…” you feel so important with your activity..that’s the reason I have to break up with you, you are a snob”. Please, you have the power to break this cycle, use it!!!
The connection that a lot of you are posting about is real. It is called SOUL TIES. Google this up and read as much as you can about it. There is a way out. Souls Ties are not on your imagination. The sociopath has tied to you. It is why we struggle with the disconnection process. Learn about what to do to break it. It is an evil and dark tie and it can be broken.
For those of you who are bible believers..soul ties are in the bible and they are a force of evil…likened to Jezebel.
Exactly, they use soulties to manipulate and it is pure evil. When they lie to us it is a form of mocking. They are creating fake realities as needed to draw you into their truth, but it is not based on the truth. Their truth is not reality, it might as well be a video game. It’s all fake, and it started on a lie and will end on a lie. They are just trying to find someone who will believe their false reality so they can keep living with no responsibilities.
Thanks for that & i will look into it asap 😉
Funnily enough I felt or heard a bell when my Sociopath left me & a huge release from what I called my ‘Soul Debt’. I don’t know if it was my debt to pay off or someones else’s.
I will definitely look deeper know.
I agree… what you wrote made me remember that I read something similar in a book “Living with Shiva”…. here I googled it and this is a quote from the book:
“Faithfulness in marriage means fidelity and much
more. It includes mental faithfulness, non-flirtatiousness and modesty
toward the opposite sex. Metaphysically, in the perfect family relationship, man and wife are, in a sense, creating a one nervous system for their joint spiritual progress, and all of their nâ∂îs are growing together over the years. If they break that faithfulness, they break the psychic, soul connections that are developing for their personal inner achievements. If one or the other of the partners does have an affair, this creates a psychic tug and pull on the nerve system of both spouses that will continue until the affair ends and long afterwards.”
I will also google for Soul Ties, thanks for mentioning.
On spanish theres a word that define all that is needed , “dominio propio”. I pray that we have the strength to act witn wisdom, to put ourselves as the most important part of our own life and to have the blessing of self dominance. We are the only ones who can stop the cycle and break the boonerang
I successfully left a narcissist 11 years ago. I agree with the insights in your post. I would like to add one thing. Make yourself as useless to the narcissist as possible. You can begin this before you break up. If you cut off the “supply” they will replace you and leave you. This is easier than resisting their charm.
It is so true, I said to my Pinnochio, “I give you everything, I’m on debt with myself too…” on less than a week of our conversation, and still living with me he went to live with his new victim. “She have what I need that you can’t give me”, he claimed. This is the easiest and most effective remedy..
Ugh…. honestly they just don’t see it, don’t feel it. Don’t care. They actually think the whole world does owe them a living and that is absolutely fine 😦
Ha ha. So my sociopath appeared and just That quick it’s gone again! He lured me in with his I miss yous, i love yous and Im lost w/o you. Even though I knew It was likely bs. I went along. We went out he wined and dined and eventually I called him out, I caught him in a lie several times! Lol he was enraged when I called him a sociopath. He later admitted to me that he was still in a relationship. He admitted to me that he dont know how to be happy with any woman and Im the only woman who know him and his insecurity and he’s scared that. He also advised that he thinks God put him into women lives to teach them a lesson? Lol I was immediately taken back by this statement. With that followed tears from him ….yet i couldn’t shed one. I was numb. This shook me to my core. What the hell is wrong with him. He tried to balance us, but I told him I was done. Then of course he tried to reverse it… “i pushed him away with nagging” typical typical…. i laughed and i taunted him with sarcasm. I actually made myself laugh a lot. I threatened to tell her everything…he replied “you have reached an all time low” I told him to promise he would leave me alone forever. He never did. He said he learned his lesson, he would never contact me again. I haven’t heard from him since. Im not as weak as before. …but i guess i know better next time. Do you guys think he really learned?
definitely not, but he probably is done with you, since you made it clear you wouldnt be a source of supply for his ego by calling him out and laughing at him. Sociopaths hate to be found out and cut people out who have a clue
Sooo True GL 🙂
I haven’t heard a word from mine since I exposed him & told him he was a Soc!
I hope he doesn’t make contact & I mean that 🙂
I never ever want to have anymore to do with that lowlife Spath!
I hope your well GL, keep up the good healing work etc…
Boy, do I know how you feel. Mine did things that you would not even imagine. Keep praying and it does start to get better.
God be with you Marion
Thank you Marion & may God be with you also 😉
It gets better every day especially via such a wonderful support network on this blog & beyond 🙂
Be Happy,Healthy & Have a great life 🙂
Too you too honey the pain is awful I still cry and its been 7 months since I ended it. But I have a scare on my left arm which had to have plastic surgery on and it reminds me every day of my life. Hang in there and I’m here when you need me.
Love and Kisses Marion
P.S. Mine had some of the bestest lies, even saying he was on a special mission due to terrorism etc… (he’s a commander in the fire brigade) & I had no way of proving it but, I kept wondering why they (MFB) would waste money on a 58 year old, overweight (very) about to retire old fart?
I later found a photo of him on FB in New York when he was supposedly in England & he was having a ball with his son, not saving the world as he kept telling me LOL, what a weirdo he was!!!
OMG & that was just the tip of the iceberg…..now I find it all really hilarious 🙂 🙂
Keep laughing at them, they are jokes!
Humour is very theraputic for healing I think Pheonix 🙂 it is so ridiculous sometimes you (after the pain has gone) can only laugh. It really is crazy.
Yes they are crazy & try to drive us crazy so, it’s important that they don’t succeed 🙂
Marion, I am so sorry he hurt you 😦
Be Strong & ditto re the support 🙂 🙂
Big Hug coming your way 🙂
No. If he ever learned anything it was because he wanted to. My ex read every blog post that I wrote that outlined the behaviour. He still repeated the same behaviour. Despite he knew.
If he is a sociopath, he just thinks differently to you, has different priorities to you. Sees life differently to you. That is just the way that it is. And with you returning, well going back again you would have learned that nothing changed. It is just a repeat of the same behaviour. Just as it was when you were together.
The tears…. well they can turn on the tears and play victim, you know this.
As for saying you are the only woman who knows him…. well this makes you feel special and that ‘connection’ right? No…. if this were true, why would he be with someone else?
Sometimes it can take a while for your heart to catch up with what your head already knows.
Youre absolutely correct. Thats why i left again. If he really thought I was so special why in hell would he still carry on with another woman? Lol smh It was only for a week and I left this time.
Isnt it strange how when they are wrong, and you catch them in a lie. They beg, and when you remind them of how awfully hurt you are (in the saMe conversation) its like a light switch clicks off, tears stop flowing and all of a sudden their angry at you? Lol! I laughed so hard when he did it this time! But this is crazy.
I didn’t experience this with the sociopath – in terms of catching them in the lie. I always experienced (it happened a lot) 🙂 ….
– Trying to then twist the blame around on me
He would NEVER admit to the lie. Protecting the lie was always more important than my feelings.
I would catch in a ball face lie and he would still lie.CRAZY They enjoy lieing like you say the truth is to difficult lieing feels better.
Hi is your SOC from NY and does his name begins with C? If not, eerie! Sounds like my SOC
No, D lol
My soc is posting on FB with all this better than ever life and events with girls etc
I have him blocked but posted a picture with a guy and checked his and that’s when he posted non stop with so much stuff and pic with him and a girl. Telling another girl he’s buying her a bday gift at an expensive store. Moving in with another girl. So now I know he checks mine through another acct.
My question is when does it stop? I know you will probably say when I stop looking!!
How do you get the strength. I’ve been ruled by him for almost 5 years.
I want my happy life back!!!!!
Why are you still engaging and playing the game? …..it will stop when you stop playing the game. 🙂
I know you want to get back at him but trust and believe they could care less, and you are wasting your energy.
Just yesterday I received a letter from my ex spath… in blue ink saying he wanted ‘conversation’ … signed with “All My Love Always” …. huh… when I read it …. in my mind it went… what a fart. He lied and cheated while we were together… and in this letter he wrote “I gave all I could in our relationship, and I know you did too” …. what a load of bs… you see he doesn’t know that I know all the dirty hidden things about him… I will never let him know that, I will not give him the benefit of knowing that information (because I got all these info by hacking his computer and from safety reasons I will not let him know that) If he tries to call again I will tell him clearly that I would like that he stops sending me letters, call me or contact me in any way. My heartache is definitely over, his words don’t have any power over me any more … just this weekend I was on the beach with friends and I saw one place on the beach where I spent time with him… now when I remember such things (which is becoming less and less frequent) I don’t feel heartache, instead I have this thought like what a fart he was towards me… sociopaths are the fart of the universe, a product of bad digestion, when you smell a fart, what do you do? You turn and move away… so that is the same what you should do with a sociopath…
Absolutely Caerra, Just bad smells & skid marks!
Good for you 🙂
Be Happy xoxo
Heh Caerra, now that is true one upmanship. That you know yet you say nothing. This is how the sociopath operates normally to know all of your information, yet to your face use this to manipulate you, and control you…. you sound like you are doing very well, and are very strong!! 🙂
I really didn’t think he would reappear but he did….two months after discarding me for the first and only time. He texted me, “I am still crazy in love with you. I hope one day we can talk thru this and work it out.” I responded and said, “yes – maybe we can talk one day”
I know I should not have responded at all. NO CONTACT. I KNOW. I KNOW. But I miss him so much. I want to talk to him. I want to hear what he has to say. I want him to tell me something that explains he is NOT a sociopath. I want him to be ok. I want it to be all ok. Why? Why is this happening to me? I am not proud but I am being honest 😦 I an not proud of myself.
You have nothing to be ashamed of for contacting etc…you should be proud you have a heart 🙂
Still you must ask yourself this, Can I trust this person with my heart?
Who owns your heart, You do & if you give it back to him & he breaks it again, what then?
Would you pull your heart from your chest & throw it onto the ground & stamp on it?
He has given you sadness & pain & sometimes great highs but, I bet normal relationships don’t give you so much drama.
You wouldn’t be on this site unless you had something awful happen to you would you?
Your answer is within you, look deep inside, is he worth the trouble?
Love & Light 🙂
This is so true!!!! It happened to me for 8 years and I never had the strength to ignore him until now. Thank you for your site.
Thank you Catherine I had forgotten about this post!! Thank you for finding it for me 🙂
This has happened to me now 4 times! I mean we broke up twice while we were together but I wanted him back and to work on things…ha!! I was in my blind love stage at the time…after our final breakup and once I start researching his unique behavior and stumbled upon your amazing site did I realize I was dealing with a sociopath. The first time ..the silence was killing me…and I was so desperate for answers. When he contacted me I couldn’t help but ask a million questions of why…he even said “do you have questions?” And ” ask me as many questions as you want” like he knew!!
After I did …which really got me nowhere and proababy just more lies I had him leave again… 3 more silences after that. Each time I am getting stronger and doing exactly what you said and investing in me. Therapy, friends and reading…forgiving myself and realizing it was him not me. Its silent right now and each time is like weening myself off a drug..but I’m getting less and less addicted. I had closure statement with him last time that will allow me not to reply. I covered everthing..he agreed so when he contacts I won’t have to feel bad about ignoring him and he will be left with the words I said last…forever.
He is very predictable to me now and I feel like I’m one step ahead of him now too and I know how to manipulate his manipulations..lol..if that makes sense..but yes no contact is the only way. I’m finally ready to do that now…thank you for this site…it has been a life saver!!
I need to ask you PG, and everyone else that how to love myself again. I feel broken up. I am crying every day. I am near suicidal. I have gotten over the sociopath mostly, and I feel happier without the sociopath. However, I still can’t love myself. I am afraid of being alone with myself. One of the things that has happened is that since the sociopath has left me, all my insecurities have come to surface. I hate myself for everything that has gone wrong. Please write an article, or tell how I can love myself as sociopath has made me doubt all the confidence I ever had.
I think I can do this for you!! 🙂
Hi LTLOVEM 🙂
Firstly you need to stop listening to that voice in your head that tells you you aren’t worthy, YOU ARE :)….you probably need to go see someone or do some meditation on yourself. You may need medication to help lift your mood. Exercise is a great way to feel better even a walk every day to look around & breathe & clear you head. Focus on the beauty around you, a flower,a sunrise, a sunset,a bird or an animal. Focus on the beauty around & within yourself. YOU are more than just your physical body, you are a Soul & you are connected to us all. We all have self doubt & the Soc brings all our insecurities to the fore but, they were already there, we just need to look deep withing & build ourselves back up.
YOU are are beautiful, amazing, worthy, smart, brilliant person so, stop beating yourself up. Your human & your frailties have been undermined.
Stop letting the Soc damage you further, stand up or crawl but, never let them win…your life is sacred & you are blessed 🙂
Love & Light, be brave & strong, we are all here for you 🙂
Thank you so much guys. You are the best. You made me feel blessed.
He did keep coming back. Over and over. And also kept in touch with past girlfriends, trying to go back to them. I still don’t want to believe this is true about him but it is. Every post I read, exactly him. How do you recover when the love of your life and the happiest time of your life was all fake? That the great love and soul mate you thought you had was really just a bunch of lies and manipulation? I don’t know how to do this. It’s all too fresh and I still love him. But there will be No Contact because now there is legal stuff involved. I just don’t know how to get over it knowing he will never even understand or care what he’s doing.
You’ll do it. Just give it time. Forget about having a closure. Keep no contact it’s the first and last step to regain your sanity, yourself, your life.
No more insanity, that’s a good name 🙂 I have just been reading up on gaslighting and I’m most sociopaths do it. My ex did. He really made me believe I was crazy. I was convinced I had borderline personality disorder and was actually apologizing to him for the way I act. And this was as recent as last week. It drives me nuts that I can’t say to him “I don’t have that, it was just you making me think I was nuts!” It’s hard that there are lots of things I’d like to say but can’t. But I know saying them wouldn’t help anyway. He’d ignore them or manipulate around them.
I took it from Einstein, “Insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results” At his hands I literally became insane, (at the restaurants I always took the seat that faced the wall so he doesnt had a chance to start one of his “shows”, I keep all my receipts in case he began his interrogation of where I was, I didnt know what to wear, because one day is “what a beautiful dress!”, the other “Im ashamed of being seen with you with this kind of clothes” ( it was the same dress) and the other “why you never wear the beautiful dress with me, you are saving it to be a bitch?”slwausuntil I accepted that I have to break the cycle, that nothing that I do or day will be enough for him.
As you said his perceived “truth” can’t be changed no matter that you have proof of it. A friend of mine told me when I was desperate about his silence and his judgment about me, “Imagine the yankee stadium full with the people that you love, and that love and appreciate you. With the people you have touched for the better. His opiinoin of you will be the same of a lice on the stadium, it doesn’t matter”
So, remember, it doesnt matter!
(excuse my english, it’s not my first language)
Your English is very good, and that is a good analogy of how to think of things. I do have a big support system.
I’m always second guessing if I used the right word or the right verb tense, on spanish (my first language) we organize the sentences on a different way.
Your big support system is the best proof of how wrong your Pinnochio is.
Wow your English is amazing, if not your first language!! 🙂
Spanish is my maternal language on our country they teach english on the schools I wish that when I speak it , it sounds better, but if you hear me is something like the Gloria of Modern Family 😎 and now I understand the language I wish never know, the language of the sociopath. I think that their dictionary have to be an dictionary of antonyms. Happy sunday! (Here on my Island it is a really sun day)
Yes it is Sunday here too!! 🙂 happy Sunday!!
Positivagirl, it has mean 10 months since, I was with my ex spath and I’m still having alot of bad memories about all the cruel and abusive behavior he did to me in the 8 years I was with him. I’m doing all the right things. I wake up some mornings mostly ever morning with him on my mind and ask myself how can he have such a good relationship with his new victim and have done all the horrible things to me. They weren’t just verbal abuse or mental they were violent to. My dear friend stays that he will not display the same behavior with the new one because she won’t allow him to go that far. This I do agree with and then I get to thinking maybe had I been stronger I could have stopped him from abusing me to the point that were I two became crazy with all that was done to me. The angry is not as bad but I still cry deep inside me when I think of how good I was to him and how he just used me like a dish rag and then threw me away. Pos when will this go away or will it ever. Thank you for listening. Peace and Joy
Hey Marion. It sounds like you are giving yourself a bad time for his behaviour. I don’t believe what your friend says is true. If he did it to you likely he will to her also. Maybe it is more behind closed doors. Unless he has had therapy to change him, there is no reason why he would.
It is not your fault that he behaved In this way. You didn’t make him be violent towards you. Sociopaths cannot be alone. They need someone else to thrive. So likely she is going through the same and if she isn’t maybe right now she is still deluded and blind.
You know you should focus on you and your life. Sometimes people are moved on from our life because they are not right for us. He clearly wasn’t.
You ask when. The answer is so simple. When is when you want to. When you let go of the past the past will let go of you.
Can you afford to do therapy for healing for you. I am sure If you did this it would help you. Please dont focus on him and his life. You will destroy yourself and you are giving Your energy away to him.
Your life is as you think. This is so true. Try not to think too far ahead focus on healing you. If you are struggling maybe see if you can access counselling therapy.
I don’t think your friend is being helpful telling you that he won’t beat the other woman as she won’t allow it. This is implying that some blame lies with you what he has done. It doesn’t he has psychological issues. That will not just go away now he is with someone new. He has no respect for himself for a start to treat you that way.
Make it clear to your friend that it was nothing to do with you. It is his issue not yours. Whether he is beating her she wouldn’t know as you know victims hide what is happening out of shame.
Pos, Thank you for replying so, fast. I have a new joib now working for the county and get medical for free. Yes, I do think therapy will help. I try not to let the memories of being slapped in my face and thrown out my car on the freeway, and pushed down on the ground to where my arm landed on a brick and went thru my arm and had to have surgery. It all is so painful to me still. I do believe that one day he will have to reap what he sowed and with counseling and God these bad memories will just be in the past. I don’t think they will ever go away but at least I can not have so, much pain inside me. Thank you pos and since I have a job now I too would like to donate some money for all the help and support you have given me when I had no one else to help me because of the shame I feel too. God Bless you and let me know how to send some money love to you and all my support team
Thank you Marion. Even if you only donated $1 that would help me. There is a PayPal button at the bottom of the page. I thank pr who helped me to eat last week. Thank you!! 🙂
Do counselling for you!! That jump in the record can be erased and you can start to feel better yourself. You think it will never go away. But it will. When someone said ‘times a great healer’ with my daughters death, I felt angry. But they were right. Time is a great healer.
Pos, it’s not much but as soon as my back pay comes in I will send more. Again Thank you for helping me and God Bless You for your blessed SOUL
Wow THANK you. From the bottom of my heart. I can’t say how much I appreciate it. Thank you 🙂
You are more then welcome and I will help more real soon. This week
God Bless you
That was plenty enough thank you for your kindness x
Hi Erin, if it is raw, give it time. read the 5 stages of grief and the healing process. Know that this is normal. You need to grieve (also read grieving the person that you thought they were)… Just give it time.
One day hopefully you will look back, healed and enlightened. It depends on the way that you look at it. Whilst the sociopath does fake emotions, they can have real connections to people. People can have value and worth to them. Whilst those connections can switch off and they can move on. I am sure that if you had some wonderful times together, that he could have experienced some wonderful times together too. It is just that they have a different view of the world…. and your life would go round in a circle as that is how it is with them. The same pattern repeats over and over. And that would become tiring and frustrating. They hide behind a mask of deception to blend in. Whilst they do not feel love in the same way they can feel connection…. unfortunately with them, always comes heartache, and drama, and your world being turned upside down. Over and over. they are impulsive and opportunistic. That will never change. I am sure you didnt want your world turned upside down again and again. That is why people have to walk away from them.
Thanks, it is very new, just this week. I realized a year ago after we broke up that he was one but I made excuses for it for the last year and kept talking to him again and again. We broke up because of long distance and not being able to move, that was a blessing in disguise. If I had moved to be with him I can’t even imagine how things would be now. I’m certain he would’ve cheated and my life would probably be miserable.
Boy am I glad I found this article this am. It is the “story ” of my life with my ex. We had two years with two break ups where he just “popped ” up again. I was his source for sex and money. Sex in a dysfunctional, demeaning way. He had an obsession with oral sex and I did comply to the point of having bruises in my mouth. I am sorry for the graphic content. Who else would put up with doing that 3 days a week? He also talked me into about $6000 , paying for rent, a bankruptcy etc.
Wheh I finally couldn’t take anymore I called him out on everything. He then told me he was “sick” of me and my ways. He was done with me, “get it I am done with you.” Silence. Can you believe I told him sorry after that?
That was four weeks ago tomorrow. I did break no contact twice. Once 5 days after the break up and another Friday night. It sickens me now what I sent Friday night. Basically a “lost puppy dog” letter asking him how he could no care and reiterating all I have done for him and endured and still loved him. How hurt I was. UGH!!! Why did I do that?
Both breaks of no contacf and silence. It makes me feel like I was the crazy one. The last two break ups he just popped up out of the woodwork. I always take him back. It is sad to say but like I said when it comes down to it I am money and sex to him. He always told me his past relationships never went as long as he and I. Of course because I lost all self respect and repeatedly put up with his abuse. Deplorable mental abuse . So I was so duped I share my hurt with the person who caused it and who called me names, made me cry and who I treated so well.
The holiday season is coming up, he is a bus driver all he worries about is bills but won’t work more. I actually paid his rent for months. So again, that is why I liked this article. He will be back. Only for the FIRST time I have to leave him in silence. I hate to a admit but right now, I feel bad he didn’t answer me. But I am now realizing it is about him and when he wants to pop back in. Another sad reality when he wants money and sex. My question is…do I have it right? Is that how they operate? Everytime we break up is he keeping tabs on me? Well I guess when I contact him in a weak state I just divulged everything to him. Thanks I really appreciated this article.
I don’t think these are your real questions. You already know this is how he operates, because you’ve seen him do it repeatedly—yes, he really is that self-interested, no, he isn’t thinking about you until he wants something, no, he isn’t capable of giving you the amazing holiday you deserve. I understand how you feel. It isn’t fair, or right, and it’s just so hard to believe they are fakers, but you know he is. No, it doesn’t mean he didn’t like you in there somewhere, but he clearly doesn’t like you enough. Know what I mean? Mine hasn’t either. The real question is, why do you think you wouldn’t/couldn’t meet someone better if you kicked him to the curb with finality? To me, you look so much more capable than him, a better-hearted person. You’re like the beauty paired with the Beast. I hope you’ll stick to No Contact. Believe me, I feel your pain.
Yes you are right I know exactly who he is and what he is. I am still at a bad point I’ll be honest. Things keep going thru my mind and it plagues me.
I’ll have to admit him not answering my text plagues me although he has done it before. When he wants something (usually starts with sex,) he comes around. The last time I blocked his number when he first contacted me. I did unblock it after three weeks and he contacted me for round 3.
I don’t understand why I would stand for something like this. I never have before. Right now he feels I am just waiting. Wanna here the sad thing? Pathetic actually. I want to be done so badly. I still want him to contact me though….and he knows exactly how I am emotionally because I told him. UGH….I have never been this way over anyone before…. 😦
Heather, I’m on the same position. Looking as he can give me back my dignity
Heather and Wish,
Please read the last post about why it’s not a good idea to break no contact. I know that you think that maybe this time everything will be better, maybe this time he will value you…that it’s not truth, he will only put more salt on the injury. Please, please, please both of you deserve respect and a better life, so please take control of your life and don’t give permission to your Pinocchio to run an ruin your life.
I think I might of sent a reply that wasn’t finished. Nonetheless why do we think these people will give us back out dignity ? I completely agree. I just was erasing emails from my email and one just made me start crying. He took and took from me. I gave and gave and it wasn’t enough. He expected so much from me. I fill crazy saying this I actually miss his scent. What is wrong with me that I still don’t fear him ? He took 6000 from me. He demeaned me. He made me cry. He thinks nothing of all I did. I am still angry for trusting basically my enemy with my feelings when I broke contact Friday. He completely ignored me. Yes I am looking for my dignity. It is gone right now. I say if he contacted me right now I wouldn’t reply. But to be honest both he ( my ex ) and I know that wouldn’t be the case. Like I said before I am just sex and money to him. I can’t even openly say why he is so into sexual relations with me. I totally degraded myself there too. It is what it is I guess.
I think it’s harder when it’s been going on longer. Mine was for nearly a year; I notice those who’ve been involved for years though have a lot longer cycles. It is hard to leave what is familiar, whether toxic or not, because you’ve already had the conversations with yourself once and lost the battle. When you think about it, it’s kind of like two divorced people deciding to have sex, even though not together, because they once had a child together. Doesn’t make sense if you’ve really decided to move on. It undermines your own decision.
I don’t know if you’re really done or not. I know, in my head, I had organized deal breakers and forgiveness/gimmes. I would let him back if it wasn’t “too bad” (???) But there it is, sounding horrible in print—compromises are just that, and they never turn out better than a compromise. I tested it. The more I gave, the more he was willing to try to take or cause me to accept.
I always wanted to be contacted too—at first, just so I could ignore him and feel superior. Later, to validate me that he really did think about me. Neither is of value because for them to think about us doesn’t mean there is love or regard like we want there to be. So, it really is best for you if you can continue trying to convince yourself that what you know are the real facts. You can miss him, but the REAL truth is (and you may not believe this), you CAN replace him. What he has been to you has not been better than a man with conscience and values.
I was just reading past posts and someone said there soc said they craved them. Mine told me a month ago he was addicted to me sexually. There is a reason why that may be true. Bc I wanted to please him so much I dealt with a certain way he thought it should be . I don’t think many would put up with it. Was there truth in what he said?
Yes I expect so Heather, but surely you want, need and require more than someone who has a sexual addiction to you? You deserve so much more than this.
His addiction is just the way that sociopaths are SELFISH!!!! I am sure that my ex was addicted to me, as i was always there, I always understood him always forgave him. Doesn’t mean that HE was right for me.
omg..i can not say enough how much i relate to all your post…mine is obssesed with me sexually i think too…and for some sick reason that is how he reels me back in everytime..because in a way i am addicted to him too sexually…the man is in Korea now (in the army) and we crave each other he starts reminicing the intimate times we shared and i get excited and play along and next thing you know i’m am hooked again and wishing he was home..and i know very well that he is most likely already sleeping with other women and still talking to the one he cheated on me with…it’s awful… i know he is no good and i deserve better and i have a very nice friend and real man in my life now that wants to make me happy and treat me well. I have to get away from my ex so i established no contact again..but it’s been off and on since august we broke up in July..somedays i feel like it is all hopeless and i am just going to end up with him..but i know if that happens i will be miserable for the rest of my life..this is the hardest thing i had to do in my life i think…i struggle everyday to get over him and move on..he comes back in July and I need to be done with him or i am going to lose everything again..you posted how the sex is intense and sociopaths have a lot of testrone and i couldn’t agree more…i haven’t been with anyone since he left and i am afraid it won’t be as good if I am..i feel so trapped.
Omg he is so selfish. I am so hurt and he is just going about business as usual and when he is done doing whatever he is doing “crazy girl ” ( which he had the nerve to call me,) is always there. He made me crazy!!
Yes I believe you that he made you crazy. Do you know when the socio came back into my life his hold and control over me was so strong, I am looking at posts written then, my words are back to front or in the wrong order. This is what they do to your mind. None of this is your fault.
I can totally believe that and relate. The texts and emails he has from me are all over the place I am sure. Want to hear something really strange? He has every single text message he ever got from me dating back to day one. From two years ago! Just in case he ever has to research it he said. It’s in a file marked by my name on his computer! Wow I have never dealt with a person like this before…
With sociopaths, I wouldn’t be surprised if he kept them as a ‘trophy’ or so that he has evidence to use against you at a later date, should he wish. He does sound very mentally damaged. Incredibly controlling and abusive in the worst kind of way. Financial abuse, verbal and emotional abuse, sexual abuse. This man is a sadist. A distempered type 😦
I literally once asked him. ” would you care if I lived or died?” Seriously who asks someone that? He thought I was crazy. But I guess that shows how much I inside know how awful he is . A friend of mine says she feels he wants to suck everything he can from me and destroy me. Does that make any sense to you?
Yes absolutely google emotional vampire, or even psychic vampire.
Just because the sociopath doesn’t have emotion doesn’t mean he wont suck yours dry, they can suck the life out of you, leaving you feeling empty and void.
Yes he has definitely done a number on me. Did I tell you that I am working for the same company as him ? There is no employee database, different capacities and different sites. My friend got me in there. Everyone is afraid that if he knows I am working now he will try to get that money . I was living on child support and alimony and a student before. I cannot hardly let anyone know I am working.
I would go as far as to suggest that this is sexual abuse Heather.
Can you see it like that. It is sexual abuse. As bad (if not worse) than hitting you, stealing from you, lying about you, it is sexual abuse. Nothing more and nothing less.
So – change this question around – he said that he was addicted to sexually abusing you!!
Sending you a hug, it sounds like you have been through a lot 😦
He did abuse me verbally, lie to me, basically steal from me because he told me he would pay back the $6000 and might as well hit me. He did tell me with one good squeeze he could push all the air out of me. He is like 375 and I am like 160…it is all so much. Thank you so much for this site and listening to me.
You are more than welcome here Heather. You will not be judged as we understand the mind control and manipulation for their own evil ends. $6,000 is a lot of money. I promise you that this will get better. He sounds like a horrible evil wicked man.
I was never good enough for him. Or he made me seem. One day he loved me…two days later he told me my nickname was. “C##k sucker.” Then he loved me again. I just gave and gave and gave. Til the point that I got so mad at him I just went off. He then was sick of me. I literally apologized. I allowed myself to be treated like garbage and I actually miss him . Ludicrous.
No, it is not that you were not good enough for him. This is not true. It is because NOBODY would be. He cant love like a normal person. He can only fake. If he wanted to, to manipulate and abuse. It is horrible to say it, but he would be the same with anybody. It really is no reflection on you, or that you were not good enough. He has no respect for himself, to have any respect for anybody else.
He used to tell me that after his divorce I was the longest relationship he ever had. I don’t think many would deal with what I have dealt with . I can only imagine what his ex wife went thru. He once told me he was never able to care about his daughter like he should. But later told me he loves her very much. Then here is me who worshipped him. Why? It is so crazy. I treated him like he was a God. Seriously I did. Even breaking no contact last week and expecting him to respond to my hurt. He probably loved receiving that and ignoring me. Wish I could do a redo on that decision!
What is it about him that you ‘miss’
I am embarrassed to say I acted like a teenager in love around him. He is a bigger guy and I would literally climb on him and just hug him. Like I said treating him like he was a God. I was so comfortable sleeping next to him that I didn’t even care he kept a loaded gun in his bedroom. I think it was the physical affection. I met him shortly after filing for divorce. For the last five years of my marriage my ex-husband and I had no intimacy. I remember the first time I was ever with my ex I felt physically complete for the first time in years. I think that is where it all started.
Yes they are excellent at this Heather for two reasons
1. They often have a lot of testosterone and a high sex drive
2. They can mirror you – what you are looking for
3. He would have assessed you, esp if you told him about lack of intimacy in your former relationship, and seen this as something that you ‘wanted’ and sold it to you.
I had great sex with my ex, but the rest that came with it. the lies and the control, the deceitful behaviour. It wasn’t worth great sex. Losing myself wasn’t worth that. I felt a shadow of my old self and he removed me from everything in my life that made me happy 😦
Yes I feel I do not even know myself anymore. I feel as if I am just getting by day by day. I seriously do not know what good could come out of having contact with him . I guess I feel so betrayed I did so much for him. Time and time again. Sex and money. My self esteem is shot down . I hate to admit but him ignoring my text really bothered me. But I’m sure he knows that.
i am sure he does. It is better for you to just block him. Block all of his numbers (if he has various) and even private numbers.
Sometimes you have to do this for your own piece of mind. Your self esteem will come back again, in time. Seeing the truth about him, will help you to realise that it is not you it is him. That should (hopefully) keep you strong, as the choice is either….
a. get your addiction fix and be abused again
b. Feel lonely for a while, and FEEL that brokeness… but slowly start to heal.
It really is up to you. But the cycle would repeat and you know this. Really it is likely he has latched onto someone else. They find it hard to be alone.
I started to feel he was seeing someone else as I was constantly getting mad at him. It seems he comes back to me when whatever else doesn’t work out. Does that make sense to you ? Another thing about him . If he can he would rather be in a casual relationship. He doesn’t like committment. I feel he will just pop up out of the wood work again. Especially since the holidays are coming up and he is a bus driver and will be out of work for two weeks. My father says I am the only one who can end this. But we aren’t in contact . We broke up four weeks ago tomorrow. I wish I just knew what to expect.
This is true. You are the one who can end this. You can decide. You can decide to block him out of your life. Don’t worry they don’t have feelings you cant hurt him. He will just move onto the next victim.
Look at what you do have, your father, your friend, your work….did you say you had children? You have a lot…. believe me they are so evil they would work to take all of that away from you. So run whilst you can!! 🙂
My friend dealt with an abuser. She always says he isn’t done with me because I made it so easy. Does that make sense? Yes I have a 10 year old and a 6 year old.
If he hasn’t tried to ‘ruin’ you – yes likely he will be back. So stay strong, and focused on building your life and dont let him back in again.
Thank-you so much for listening to me and helping me. I am really so alone. I lost pretty much everybody because of him . So I greatly thank-you. I have to be strong. I just have never encountered anything like this before. I shouldn’t be amazed at this point. It has went on two years, with two brief break ups. Thanks again (((hugs)))
You are welcome. That is what this site is for!! 🙂 What country are you in?
Can I ask you what a soc may do to “ruin” a person?
A sociopath will do anything to ruin. This means ruin you in any area. Career, financially, socially, your dignity (so for example he has kept all texts/emails) if these admit to things you have done (say sexually) he could forward these to people you wouldn’t want to see, like your father, your friends, your employer anything to degrade and humiliate you.
ruining is awful to go through. It is what a psycho does when they have finished with you – its kind of ‘killing you off’ absolutely destroying every single area of your life. If they have done their homework well beforehand – like isolating you from people. leading you into situations that you wouldn’t have been in without their cohersion this is really easy for them.
They will force you into situations that you are not happy with, then will paint you as the dishonest, immoral degraded woman, try to turn people against you. Will use information know about you as a thread of truth and mix that with wicked lies so that it is believable. They really can be truly EVIL.
Think about where it would hurt you, in their mind they are hurting (ego) – so you deserve to be destroyed and killed (metaphorically)….. honestly if you can escape now…. run and stay away and hope he moves onto another victim. That is your best hope as at least then he will be busy.
He does have sexual things in text. I think he took pictures too. He brought out another side in me I’m not proud of. He is not having any contact with me. I contacted him, but he ignored me. I do not know what to expect, but I can’t imagine that I will never hear from him again. So I am nervous bc he just pops up when he wants too and will tell you sorry. He hasn’t done anything I don’t believe, but like I said he has blocked me on FB like I am going to do damage to him. Again he has done this many times . I just don’t know what to expect. If I never got so angry at him a month ago the cycle would still be goung on. Not sure what is gonna happen. But I do know he knows how I am right now. Bc I out right told him..sigh
Aragh please do go careful. If he has anything he could use against you. He is ignoring you cos he can. In his mind you would take him back any time. You did before. If it didn’t work out with whoever he will come back. If you refuse this is when the threats will start. Then it is evil. Well that’s ok of you sent him mail saying you love and miss him. It’s done and besides he won’t see you as a threat to want to ruin you. Be strong as I do believe he will return and the cycle of abuse will continue if you allow it.
No in letter I told him I was so hurt by him . That I don’t think he was bring real with me. I told him everything I did for him and everything he did that hurt me. I told him how hurt and betrayed he was . I told him he never offered me a dime and never offered me an apology . I told him I was so sad and loved him so much but he confused me so greatly. Should I have handled it differently? My friend said I seemed like I was forgiving him. He knows I am distraught right now. What would you recommend I do?
That is ok. As right now he will just think your a sucker who will take him back. The problem would come when he realises that you wont.
Honestly I sounded really pathetic..do they have the capabilities of missing anyone? Or just what he got from me.
I would do nothing but focus on you. Take life just one day at a time try to make today as best you can.
Thank you again….
I’ll be honest if he contacts me I would reply..so wrong I know
Do you want him to come back and abuse you? He will. If you allow him to.
I hate to admit I miss him. But I know he will only be nice for a short while. I really cared about him. What I hate right now is that he has not come back yet or answered me .
You want him to come back and abuse you ..you don’t miss him it’s the addiction and dependency. See it as an addiction you are desperate for one last fix to feel better. He has become your drug.
Yes I am. But what is that going to do to me? He doesn’t even want me right now. That is so dyfunctional, but that is how I feel.
I hate to say this, Heather, but, reality check…he most likely blocks you to prohibit the chance of you posting something that intereferes with his new conquests. Seriously, when they are out of sight? You are generally out of mind.
Forgive me if this comes across insensitive, but while you might be special in the way that you enable him to uniquely use you sexually, is this really a defining title you want? For anyone to view you as valuable, you will have to value yourself more highly than that. I don’t know him, but from what you’ve said, he isn’t worth sacrifice. In fact, with someone like him, the price may become much higher than you ever thought possible.
I’ll share something with you about how I first got pulled in with my soc. I never intended to get stuck in a cycle. I have a tendency to be a curious cat sometimes. Sometimes, the cat gets caught in the cookie jar. I remember actually telling a guy friend, who was very irritated with me for letting things get as far as I did, that I knew I was playing with fire, I just thought I’d be able to get out of the way before anything crashed down. He said, “You’re not playing with fire, you’re on a suicide mission!” Almost a year later, and after a few laps around the track, some pain, a lot of lies and manipulation, and very little satisfaction, here I am.
Don’t make the mistake of overestimating yourself, or underestimating the real danger of your situation. From what you DON’T say, I suspect your guy could have some violent tendencies wherein you may just find yourself, on some occasion, without the will to choose. Right now, you hold that power.
You are right. He has road rage, has guns and weighs 200 lbs more than me. He also once said that with one good squeeze he squeeze all of the air out of me. I should be afraid of him.
You want to hear the crazy thing? He blocked me on FB like I was going to bother him? He has done that to me before and me to him. He abused me, demeaned, got a bankruptcy paid for, 5 months of rent, food in his house, medication ( he has health issues,) gas, countless meals out, my tears umpteen times, called me names. In public too! I had a miscarriage a month before my divorce and he cheated on me. It’s all so much. I am a single mother with two small kids and I was so good to him. To a stupid point. I’m sorry I am so beside myself. He has the nerve to ignore the damage he did to me. I’m so angry. I had to see my priest. I am Catholic, I went to confession and asked for forgiveness. But I don’t know for what exactly. Sorry..I still have trouble believing he did this all to me…
I would go as far as to suggest that this is sexual abuse Heather.
Can you see it like that. It is sexual abuse. As bad (if not worse) than hitting you, stealing from you, lying about you, it is sexual abuse. Nothing more and nothing less.
So – change this question around – he said that he was addicted to sexually abusing you!!
Sending you a hug, it sounds like you have been through a lot 😦
Your reply to my posr brought tears to my eyes. You are so right, it was consensual but it was expected it of me. I do not think many girls would deal with what I did. It was so demeaning and resulted a couple times in bruises on the inside of my lips. Sorry. Yes he was saying he was addicted to sexually abusing me and all I was so stuck on was pleasing him. At the same time I hated it. This is the person I feel love for and cry over. What’s wrong with that picture?
Thanks for the hugs 😥
Heather you might have thought it was consential. Its not consential if you are manipulated into something. This is abuse. Sexual abuse. I am so sorry. I didn’t want to make you cry or hurt you. I just wanted you to see the truth. This is not your fault Heather. What is wrong with this picture is he is wrong for treating you with such little respect. You even questioned yourself whether this was a good thing he was addicted to this. Change the statement. Say he had said he was addicted to beating you slapping you around. How would your response be? It is so hard when someone has abused you. And so difficult to even see this as abuse when it was the only scrap of ‘love’ that was given. I want you to see this for what it is. Sexual abuse.
Please do not be sorry. You did not hurt me. The reality of it hurt me. I always knew that our sexual situation was dysfunctional. The reality of it all is so much sometimes. You are right it is the same as any other abuse.
I have 24 years of experiences with a repeat offender sociopath. I can assure anyone who does not believe the sociopath is coming back…that he is. Even if it is years from now. It is true that he will almost sense when you are vulnerable and ready or another round with him and within days, there he is. There have been times I believed God sent him back because he meant for us to be together…Weird I know but, it is how I felt. This man has all but ruined my life but the truth is, I let him. I have said this before, I have no real confidence that I would send him away today even though he recently married the other woman he was seeing while he dumped me (while I had cancer). BTW, he loved putting the marriage in my face and choosing a woman he thought would screw with my mind the most. The rich widow registered nurse was too tasty to let pass…God help her, she is about to lose everything. Also, he loves picking woman he believes are less attractive than he is so he can make her feel bad about herself (in a subtle fashion of course) for as long as they are together. I am convinced of this.
You are right Julie, they almost always turn back up. It isn’t that they don’t think they won’t… they don’t think at all. Then when they want to come back, they do, like none of it has happened, and they don’t have a care in the world.
After over a year of no contact my friend called me to try and get me to come hang out, the sociopath took the phone and spoke to me we kept it polite and short… But I still feel angry that all that no contact ended in a few short seconds even if he’s not further manipulating me at the moment it’s still unsettling. I had been reading about how they always come back and I didn’t really think mine (even though he is not mine nor do I want him) would pull that crap. Has anyone successfully interacted with a past sociopath without incurring too much loss? He’s re positioning himself in a group of our mutual friends.