You know that the ending with a sociopath is almost always painful. Often they will discard without warning. They had been planning their escape behind your back, and it often comes as a shock to your system. To your face, they were most likely smiling at you with kind eyes, often (if they are charismatic) right to the very end, behind your back was another story.
After sudden discard, you are left with a lot of emotions, and questions, which you might find difficult to process without answers, or understanding of what has happened and why.
It might be tempting to pick up the phone, call or text the sociopath, or to send an email. Just to ask for clarification, to take that searing pain away inside of you. DON’T!!! DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT!!!
The sad truth, is that if you do this, you will only face more pain. Remember that the sociopath does not feel ‘love‘ in the same way that you do. Whilst you might be heartbroken, it is likely that they have just moved on with their life, as if nothing had happened. Leaving you feeling absolutely worthless, and heartbroken.
You might feel this way as you read this post. You might be blaming yourself, and wondering if there was anything that you could have done differently? The sad truth is no. There was nothing that you could have done which would have changed a thing. It might have dragged on for a longer period of time. Ultimately, the outcome would have been the same, or perhaps worse, as you might have experienced further loss or damage.
The sociopath is a compulsive pathological liar. Someone who is deceptive and manipulative who will say and do anything that they can to get what they want. They will do this for as long as they are getting their own way. They will leave you feeling discarded, worthless, and like you have had the life sucked out of you. Likely you have been drained, physically, emotionally, and often financially too. You are left feeling like an empty shell.
Why breaking no contact is a BAD idea!!
It might be impulsive, or you might think, that perhaps the sociopath has now calmed down, and would be prepared to talk to you. You might not want to let the relationship go, and want to talk to him, to beg or to plead with him, to work things out. Anything to get rid of the pain in your heart. You must just miss him, and want to be ‘friends’.
Breaking no contact, and making contact with the sociopath is a really bad idea. Why? …
It is a bad idea, because:
- You give control back to the sociopath
- You face further rejection, and heartache, undoing all your good progress
- You will never get an honest answer from the sociopath (he couldn’t tell the truth when you were with him, why would he start now?)
- If he does speak, he is likely to a) tell you how great life is without you b) say thank you for helping him on his way c) he has met someone else d) put you down e) use this opportunity to manipulate and use you further.
It simply WOULDN’T happen that the sociopath would pick up the call, or respond and say that they loved you or missed you, and that Mr Perfect you were sold in the beginning would re-appear.
Why not?
He wouldn’t because he is selfish. He only thinks of his own needs. Due to this, if he felt that he NEEDED you (they don’t love in the same way), he would call YOU!
Sociopaths are not backwards in coming forwards. Believe me, he isn’t sat there breaking his heart hoping that you would call. If he wanted to talk to you, he would. He would pick up the phone and call you.
If he does pick up the phone, or respond to an email it will only bring further pain. It will set you back to day one, square one of healing 😦
Remember, that the sociopath is SELFISH…. if he calls it is because it is convenient to him. Not because he cares about you and how you are feeling. Likely he has created another life behind your back, whilst keeping you prisoner and under his control.
That is just the way that they are.
What are the benefits of No Contact?
It might feel like you are having your teeth pulled with no pain relief. Establishing and keeping No contact, can (at first) be painful. However, it is the best and most effective thing to do. Here is why:
- You give yourself time to heal
- Without the sociopath in your life, you will do things for you
- You are no longer manipulated or controlled
- There is peace in silence
- You can move forward – bring others into your life
- You take back control over you
- It offers you respect for yourself
Get your feelings out!
It is important to get your feelings out. But NOT to the sociopath, it’s pointless. After all they will only lie further and manipulate. This can subsequently lead to feelings of depression, anxiety and low self worth. My top 5 tips for getting your feelings out without breaking contact.
1. Write an email, but DO NOT press send. Instead save in draft.
2. Talk to someone that you trust, a close friend or family member
3. Seek out others who have been through the same thing. Victim support forums can be really useful. Talk to others who understand, and can help you to see the light with reality. They also will understand, after all they have dated ‘crazy’ too.
4. Keep a journal, so you can track your recovery
5. Do some exercise. Exercise can be good for the soul. It releases endorphins in your brain, and is good for that feel good factor. Physical excercise is good, running, cycling, any sport really is good.
6. Be realistic about time. The longer that you were together, the longer it is going to take for you to heal. Be mindful of this. Don’t break contact because it has been a month, and you are still hurting. It IS important to do SOMETHING! This does NOT include making contact with your ex!!
7. If you are really struggling, write three lists – List One – All the reasons that you miss this person – List Two – All the reasons this person is bad for you, all the character traits you hate, and that hurt you List Three – a list of short term goals for the future.
Whatever you do, do not speak to the sociopath. All that you do is give him further information about you which will be likely be either used against you, or you will be manipulated with. Whatever, the outcome will be to set back your recovery again to day one. Nothing will change. The sociopath is NOT sat at home hoping that you will call him. He isn’t like that. He is selfish. If he wanted to speak to you, he would, and likely if he did, it would be because he WANTED SOMETHING!! (you know I am right!!)
Words © datingasociopath.com
Dating a Sociopath 
Be prepared to seek grief counseling if the sociopath winds up being your mother.
Reblogged this on Paula's Pontifications and commented:
This happens even when you are the one who leaves the sociopath. You begin to feel guilty and have the false idea that you can still be friends. WRONG!! He will say he wants to be friends if you are the one who left. But once he gets a new victim, you will be chopped liver and a sad and pathetic excuse for a human. You left him, right? You did him a favor by leaving. He’s just upset with himself for putting up with you for so long. Either way, the no contact rule is vital. I wish I had known about it sooner. 🙂
Thanks Paula!!! I just did FINAL discard, which ended same way as before, theft of personal items, telling lies about me and too me. Usual thing. So, this is a post for me. To remind me. NO MORE. No going backwards….. enough is enough!
POS,I read this thread daily….to remind me why NC is bad. Thank you for this post. Its a daily reminder.
You are welcome 🙂
Hi Paula,
It is as if this post was ripped from the book of my life.
BTW, I am currently in the delusional guilty stage believing my Ex and I can be friends. I keep having these strange thoughts like, “All of this will blow over and everything will be ok…” and then I’ll realize wait a minute!!!! He did X,Y and Z to you, why would you want him back in your life? Are you crazy? Don’t ever forget what he did to you — remembering will keep you away from him forever.
Why is it I am going through this crazy stage when he is the last person I should ever welcome back into my life.
Hey I did ‘friends’ for the last 9 months. Friendship, sprinkled with a bit of almost being in a relationship. Honestly there was NO friendship. He just had absolute control over me. I wasn’t allowed male friends, my entire world was focused on him and his lame ass drama. Always feeling wary of the lies that he told. Constant lies. Our friendship was useful for only one thing – observing his behaviour – and writing this blog!! 🙂
I also tried the friends thing. I have now come to learn that was a huge mistake. I should have cut my losses and run. I suppose that’s all we can do is learn from all this craziness.
And I love your blog! 🙂
It was good for me to understand. Towards the end of last week, he came to my house begging for me to trust him. That I needed to let go of the past. Despite I write this blog (and he reads all of it), I decided to do that!!! Yep I did… i went to use the loo, and left him in my lounge. When I came back, the sofa cushions were pulled up. I asked him what he was doing? He then created a row about nothing and left. I later realised that an expensive 9ct gold watch is now gone too. Really expensive watch. You would have thought that would be it? No… on Sunday he has to call me to tell me he has been out, seen people that I knew – how they all thought i was crazy – what a wonderful time he is having etc etc….. you know I thought that watch new is £2,300 new – but its worth it get rid of him. Every time at final discard he would steal. Then go out with the money that he got from what he stole (mobile phones, ipod, 2 watches, money from my bank etc etc)…. I am now thinking – actually thank god. Because he can NEVER do that to me again. He would NEVER be your friend. You would just be an opportunity to him, as that is all he sees others as. Opportunities to be used. He grew tired of me, as I knew his lies, I understood him – so he is off with a new mask deceiving others – waiting for his next opportunity! 🙂 I have spoken to his last 2 exes and his ex housemate. He lied to them too – and stole from them. Ironically when they first told me, I didn’t believe them – he seemed like ‘such a nice guy’ ….. ew!!!
My Ex has already locked onto his next victim. In fact, he just moved in with her (about a month ago). He told my mother his new GF owns 2 houses, one of which he’s working on so that “we can sell it”. My mother took note of the pronoun usage: “we” instead of “she”. It would seem, he already views her property as his. And this is how it begins. One day she will wake up to hear him say he wants “out” and he will walk away with half of everything she spent her entire life working for. He will also take from her, her self-esteem, confidence, self-worth — everything she used to be, before he entered will be destroyed. And then, like me, she will spend months, perhaps years, resurrecting herself.
I believe in Karma because it is my only hope for vindication.
i am so overwhelmed with each and every blog post/comment i read – the exact similarities with everyone’s individual experiences is uncanny! every time i think i am finally achieving acceptance and almost fully healed, anger or depression sets in again, sometimes I can feel it coming on but can’t stop it, and sometimes what feels like out of the clear blue sky. i’m starting to feel bipolar. nothing makes sense anymore and i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin (i did not suffer from poor self esteem or self worth until the first time our fantasy curtain dropped – this was also the first of many relationships i’ve had in my 32 years on earth that i really thought i found my future life partner, i threw in the single towel and left myself vulnerable to her in every way). i was also the one to end the relationship thinking I was empowering myself only to wind up 7 months later and 3000 miles away feeling more weak and vulnerable than ever before. the more I try to do things that had always gotten my creative juices flowing as seamless as breathing air, the more depressed I end up feeling because it feels so forced and unnatural, just like every time I forgave or overlooked her lie after lie. she would call (after I moved to another state in attempt to stay clear of being able to see her and begin healing) and i would answer her thinking THIS TIME she is going to tell me how much she hurts, too, and how sorry she was and to please come back home, blah blah only to end every conversation with me in tears and her saying calmly saying something along the lines of “i can’t do this anymore, just leave me alone” and then hang up on me, when i finally changed my number she made sure to block me on FB as to assert her control and dominance over me, and it worked like a charm every single time. How could i be so stupid to let her do this when i knew full well she would?? If only she had put half that much energy into her dreams, career, goals, happiness, inner peace, she would have been the beautiful bird I always thought she was. it’s been almost 4 months of no contact whatsoever and i think it’s actually getting harder with time..i find it difficult to get out and be social and make new friends, i am overly cautious and anxious most of the time which is all very new to me as I was passionate, empathetic, kind and confident up until the day she entered my world. she flipped my whole life upside down , tore me to shreds and just pushed the play button on her own life like those years never existed. even now knowing NPD is a mental condition gives great understanding and answers a lot of questions but doesn’t help the pain subside. it’s so damned unfair and confusing that it’s almost impossible for me to find a silver lining in all of this. and that makes me sad and angry all over again -> how long could this last for like this?? HELP!?!
Hi JP
Thank you for your comment. How you feel is normal, as there are so many emotions to process. I want you to remember the following
1. The dreams that you were sold, that appeared to be the ‘perfect relationship’ were all a mirror image of you. Your own wants and needs. Those things are still within you. The beauty lies within you.
2. That the sociopath did not have anything that you did not have within yourself. Happiness comes from within
3. How you feel is normal (read the five stages of grief and the healing process) – you have to go through the bereavement process after dating a sociopath as the person that you were involved with was fake and a lie and it can feel like a death. Anger and depression are part of this.
What you will find is that over time the distance between these feelings (as long as you focus on you) will become longer. It will become more bearable.
Remember that as you feel sad and angry you are working towards healing, even if it doesn’t feel that way.
Whenever your mind wanders back to the sociopath try to focus back to you. Also post here, it can help just to talk to others who understand what you are going through.
Welcome to the site! 🙂
Hi JP,
I assume you are commenting to my comment on Paula’s post?
I don’t have the answers. All I know is, when I learned the truth about my Ex, I reached out to Paula and she was a tremendous source of strength and guidance. She recommended/advised I seek therapy and I have. I see my therapist weekly and it has helped me immensely. In the beginning, before therapy I was emailing Paula constantly. Paula recommended I read the book: Women Who Love Psychopaths and through that book, I found How to Spot a Dangerous Man before You Get Involved. These books shed light on the various types of dangerous people we can become involved with. I cannot speak for others, but lately, I seem to be doing much better. I am less angry and have moved into acceptance. I believe the journey towards my healing was via therapy, reading those books, journaling and blogging. I also meditate and read spiritual books like Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now. My Therapist recommended Tolle’s book.
I won’t lie to you, healing starts from within and it’s going to take acceptance. You will never understand the motives behind why this woman treated you the way she did. Like Paula once told me, “You were duped.” And living with the fact that we were duped is hard but you are going to have to accept it and work on yourself because you will never change this woman. Take back your power. Focus on you. I know it’s hard believe you me, it is hard. I still think about my Ex. Memories from our past rise up. My therapist advised that I schedule time during my day to think about my ex and sit with it — quietly – and either write about my thoughts or just sit and think… I believe it is all these little baby steps towards healing that are helping me. I’m not 100% but I am better. I have good days and bad, but finally the good are outweighing the bad.
I am not as wise or knowledgeable as Paula but my advice to you is seek therapy. It works.
🙂
I thought we could be friends as well. For some reason all I can remember are the good times. The things that made us a great couple. I have to force myself to remember the crap he put me through before I come to my senses and think about how insane it is to want him to even be a small part of my life. We tried it and he started reminding me of why I divorced him in the first place. I have now moved on with no contact (still have weak moments, but have been resisting). When I get in the “happy times” mode, I put the thoughts of his abuse, screaming and throwing things at me to bring me back to reality of what our relationship really was.
Gosh..I am so GLAD and THANKFUL this came to me today!! It has been three weeks since NC was broken and re-established! He contacted me while sitting in recovery at the dentist ..after having some work done…I foolishly responded..asking how he was feeling…we chatted a bit..then he said he had to go..but would text later…it was at that moment…that I thought “HELL NO”….NO MORE!! So I went NC (again)….Haven’t answered any more correspondence. But I will say that last night I was feeling weak and wanted to reach out and see how he was…..thankfully it was really late…and then this blog of yours hit my email bright and early! Thank you so much! It just GLARED at me…all the reasons why I am DONE and Over this JERK A**……I will probably read it a 100 times till I feel that knot in my stomach (the one that is screaming at me to contact him) is squelched!! Thank you again for your words of wisdom!! 🙂 God Bless you!
Well Faye, we are there together. As I wrote this blog he was still in my life. Until now, so its kind of a reminder for me too. As each day passes you will grow stronger. Block his number, and email…. They use discard deliberately to make you feel bad (especially has he has been mirroring you for so long) you can feel a sense of loss, like a part of you is missing. There are so many positive things you can do, rather than breaking contact. Breaking no contact rule will send you right back to square one again (and yet more loss) thank you for your comment. You help me too! 🙂
I am going to print this post and keep it on my refrigerator as a reminder!
🙂 🙂
No contact is hard, but it is the answer. No more tears!
I messed up! Text vomit, outgoing… I was doing so well too! Did exactly what I knew he would and again I feel stupid. Ugh! One day at a time….
Aragh, when you break no contact. You give them back the control. And then…. you have to start from day one again. But it’s better to be at day one – and moving forward, than still stuck in crazy!! Its like quitting smoking sometimes you have to quit a few times before you manage it finally!! 🙂
it has been two days since he left me….. again. he snuck in while i was at work, moved out and brought me home to tell me. he blames me… i have been reading your blogs since yesterday. i msgd him yesterday afternoon, he never responded. i called him, he answered and pretended he could not hear me… i called back over and over again and he never took my call. i then read your blog and realised i was giving him more control. now today, i am back again, struggling against the urge to callhim. to be heared, to hear his voice. his explanation…. anything
Hey sending you a hug, as I know that this place is the worst. It is so painful. Read all of the articles in healing and recovery. Especially https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/coping-with-pain-after-discard/ and https://datingasociopath.com/recovery-and-healing-after-dating-a-sociopath/do-not-look-for-closure-from-the-sociopath/ in fact, read as many as you can, and also the comments, it will help you to realise that you are not alone.
This is my first day of NC. Yesterday and this morning were the worst. I miss him, but now realize I miss me. I love irony. He has a 6 year old son that I fell in love with but now realize that his son is a sociopath in training. He is charming and loving and attentive and he is 6 and high functioning autistic.
I am feeling empowered with my first day of NC and I am going to book mark this page and if there is an email list, i am going to put me on it.
His new source supply believes she can handle this. She knows he’s a user and a liar but feels he is fun and they have a sexual connection. Either she is deluded or a sociopath herself. I opt that she too is a sociopath.
I hate and love him at the same time…
Well done 4coloured. There is a book written by someone who had a child with a sociopathhttp://www.amazon.co.uk/Just-Like-Father-Liane-Leedom/dp/0977801306 with regard to his latest victim, no doubt she is deluded. Even when you know the truth, you try to tell yourself it isn’t true. Or that you can change them.
I fell head over heels in love with this charming, young, and attractive male. It was new, exciting. I’m from a small island (Guam) and I never came across any type of Hispanic (he is Puerto Rican) so the thought of being with someone exotic just added to the traits that he had that I seemed to admire. It sucks that I had to deal with a psycho/sociopath at such a young age (19) but I’m glad that I came across your blog and site. It has helped me SO much. I am still so heartbroken. I thought we were going to get married and have wonderful careers and travel. Those were all the dreams that he sold to me. (which were the dreams I wanted to share with the love of my life.) I know to other people it will seem like I’m too young to have felt the way that I felt and to settle down, but it just comes to show it happens to all ages and all types of people. It felt so real to me and even now it’s hard to accept the fact it was all fake. It was everything a young romance consisted of: drama, passion and excitement. He asked me to move in with him after a month of dating but I just took it as a compliment thinking that he truly wanted to be with me and that he was my soulmate. Of course there were tons of red flags: him constantly accusing me of cheating, him blaming me for everything, his outrageous stories about EVERYTHING (from how his family is a big time drug trafficker based in Puerto Rico, to ODing in San Francisco) but I was blinded; I believed everything he said. He even claimed that he went out and fooled around to get back at me and one UP me. (He was really good and convincing me that women were always hitting on him and always had outrageous stories about that too; he was conceited about his sex game more than I believed someone could possibly be) It has been one and a half week since I’ve last talked to him. I changed my number before he could fully discard me. I am so glad I had a support system to help me get through this. Before, nobody could tell me otherwise, not my family or my closest friends. It took him treating me SO badly and acting SO shady(not returning calls, not texting back for hours, refusing to see me, claiming he was in New York(we live on O’ahu), claiming I was a prostitute, etc.) That after 8 months of horrible treatment and a $4300 phone bill something in me was screaming for change. I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I lost myself in trying to please him. I didn’t have anything for myself. Nothing I had said or done was good enough to convince him I wasn’t cheating on him, not to mention he was using the presumption that I was cheating on him to cheat on ME. What scary was how he could look me dead inthe eye and tell me he loved me…even though he had done all those things to me. I just don’t know how to deal. Never in my life had I thought I’d be where I am right now. But, even so, I am glad that I did not waste anymore time than I had. I am so grateful for this site. I still wake up feeling sad and hopeless but I come to this site and read and it makes me feel better. Thank you so much, I am so grateful for all your input and wisdom on the subject. Nobody I know would be able to understand. Although I am hurting and I feel betrayed and cheated, I know that I’ll be able to get through this, it helps to know so many women have went through this as well. Even though I was fortunate to learn this type of lesson early. Thank you again.
Hi Naomi, welcome to the site. I believe the same as you that this is part of a life lesson that will teach us 1. What we really want and what we deserve 2. To learn to trust ourself, our own judgement and instinct 3. To learn self sufficiency and to learn the lesson that the secret of true happiness comes from within. Thank you for your comment, you are not alone and YES you WILL come out the other side! 🙂
Great site!
With the no contact policy, I was wondering how you felt about writing a tell all-letter to the sociopathic ex?
It’s been 2 years since we broke up (in a very cruel and harsh way), I have struggled immensely after that. I seem to be a lot better now, but still have my moments of shock, hate (yes), anger and grief. One big step in my recovery was understanding that he has a disorder, that it was not my fault (as he said). I found so much recognition on sites like these, it’s amazing.
So now, to get ultimate closure, I ponder the idea of writing him a letter. I don’t think for a minute it would change him or that he would understand. I would just do it purely for myself.
I’ve found in the past that telling your side in such a letter and writing it with a somewhat loving tone (and sending it!), can be very healing for you. That is my reason.
On the other hand I don’t want to pat his inflated ego (‘See, I’m just unforgettable). Or confirm his thoughts about me that I’m the psycho in this story.
I’m not interested in his answer, as I’m sure if he would answer, it would all be nasty things. After I would send it, I would block his e-mail address again…
On the other hand, I also realise the reasons why I’m still struggling with this, why I just simply cannot say ‘You are bad, to hell with you’ and move on in a positive way, don’t have so much to do with him, but with myself and my childhood issues…
And yet on another level, why is it okay that the psychopath gets away with things? If we stop all contact and never say anything to hold a mirror before him, he gets away with it… He’s entitled to hear what a crazy, messed up mf he is, no? And that he really damages ppl by this actions?
my ex socio simply rips up letters from his mother begging for a relationship with him again and throws them in the bed only reading the first couple of lines. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of showing him you have wasted more of your precious time on him. Write it down by all means. post it on here as an open letter. good luck x
I’ve just read your excellent post about the days right after the break-up (I recognise it all! I was left behind without a word of explanation and even refusal to talk about it, and found out later how much he had cheated on me). So I know you understand the need for closure very very well. 🙂 That makes me even more curious to your thoughts and feelings about a closure letter…
It’s unbelievable isn’t it, how many similar patterns these sociopaths show, while all of different ages, from different regions, countries, have different jobs, interests etc. Truly remarkable.
You guys are awesome. I’ve been the most miserable the past few days. Crying a LOT. NC for a month now. I’m keeping it that way, but it’s difficult. I would never contact him but if he calls/texts me I will go nuts. He is irresistible it seems. He is exotic too (Puerto Rican/Italian). I’m white and I love his skin color. He is majorly goofy looking but I fell for his words and amazing sex. Just everything else about him SUCKS! He never looks ANYONE in the eye, awkward, skinny, angry, badly socially maladjusted. I’m a nut for dating him! HA! So glad we are together here for support 🙂
I think the lack of closure is about cowardliness… knowing with certainty he has lied/schemed and done the wrong thing, and there’s really nothing to say about it that is going to make *him* feel good, so he just avoids it and pretends it’s not so bad. In my opinion, thanking such a person for this end result is lending credence to their bad decisions; yes, you are a better person by exhibiting grace, but it does no good to share that with him at all. Let him go away and have those later regrets (he should), on those rare, quiet nights when he has to face himself. I know mine has admitted not wanting to go home. I also suspect he doesn’t sleep until exhausted. Hard to find restful peace maybe? (Should be.)
I sooo know what you mean. Mine was hot, smart and sexy too. And we had great sex. But his personality was awful.
Hypersexuality is also a key feature of the sociopath. Part of the addiction, I’m afraid. I found it hard to let that go too. So I understand you!
I hope we all get over this garbage swiftly. My guy acted addicted to me, seemed SO real. Lived an hour away yet came over 4 days a week “I can’t handle waiting to see you”. Why wouldn’t I think it was love! He was GROOMING/PREPPING me, getting me majorly dependent on him so he could more cruelly discard me. Wacky things happened in between though. He would say my name insincerely “Oh Leese!” He was attempting to sound cute, but the tone felt degrading, hard to explain. I’m glad I caught on after he gaslighted me, hilariously defending myself…lol. I have proof that he lied. You cannot talk and fix things with a liar. Exhausting! I dumped him that night 🙂
Interesting. Mine did the same thing – derogatory tone. It would inevitably follow a probing conversation (my probing). I would say, “Don’t , me!” and more than once told him I didn’t like the way he spoke to me like that. Always felt like I wasn’t “winning”, like he knew something I didn’t (I’m sure he did!), as though I was a child trying his patience.
My post with the question about the letter is still awaiting moderation, I see…
Is there a problem with it? Cause I’d love to hear some thoughts and ideas about it…
Thanks!
Do not write the letter. I tried that 11 years ago,when I dated the same spath,that I dated again years later and became engaged to and he left me 2 months ago. Do not write the letter.
no contact is the best way!
I have not contacted my sociopath for a month now after he dumped me.
no contact shows you how truly the other person does not care for you.
if you have survived the breakup from sociopath, please use your time educating yourself about sociopaths. read blogs, get sociopath books, it will open your eyes.
My ex did me a favor and disconnected her phone number because duped her! Because we were two women, I went back after 9 months of NC and try to be friends. All she did was lie to me and tell me she hadn’t been with anybody for almost a year. I knew she was lying. Not that it mattered… However I felt it important for her to tell me the truth if we were going to be friends. More denial on my part!!after one argument early on in our relationship, she unfriended me on Facebook. I believe now the reason she did this was so I could not see what was really going on in her life. So I friended her pretending to be a man… Got to see her Facebook page, and made a date with her pretending to be this man. She jumped at it! She didn’t even voice verify!! So that night I went to the restaurant where she was supposed to meet him. I watched and she paced outside checking her phone going back into the restaurant frantically. I saw how excited she was at the idea of meeting a new target. I digress… Not to mention the fact that the conversation we had in private message over Facebook was beyond! All her flirting with this fake man… It made my stomach turn! to continue… So I sent her a text message from a friends phone saying that I had a car accident I couldn’t make it. I told her that I was right down the street and that two girls have rear ended me. She offered to come pick me up!? Can you believe??? I could have been a criminal!I decline and apologised. The next day I contacted her on Facebook and in the middle of the conversation, I just close that it was me and what a fool she had been for accepting a date from a strange man without voice verifying first. She told me that she wasn’t a fool and that she knew it was me all along and she never showed up for the date. To which I replied, ” Yes you did because I was there and I saw you….you idiot!” her response was whatever lol!! Then I went on to describe what she was wearing. She immediately blocked me on Facebook. And the best part of the story? She even went as far as to change her phone number. So even if I did want to contact her, I I could not! She did me the biggest favor of my life! I would not recommend this.you never know how dangerous these sociopaths can be. I did take a risk but it was worth it for me. I wish all who is reading this post the best. Thank you for this blog it is help me tremendously.
Lol how she said she knew it was you 🙂 🙂 She so didn’t.
Sounds terrible, but I did something similar once. Second psycho i was tired of the way that he was treating me, so I sent him a text, saying i got his number from a friend and that i had met him in a club, just the same (its their ego) he responded.
I was going to do the same as you, arrange to do meet up etc… to see what he would do. But at that point I had seen enough to see what he was like.
How are you feeling today?
Astrid,
I actually admire you for doing what you did. It’s something I’ve thought of too. I feel we need hard cold facts as to who these people are. You saw that she JUMPED at the opportunity, maybe never thinking she’d be that way. You learned a lot from this. I like PROOF of REAL character. Like you said, for a select few here, that is a very bad idea as some socios are in fact dangerous. You knew well enough that she wouldn’t have really done anything to retaliate. I think what you did was great. You NEED to see what she’s really about. Well done! 😊
it is so nice to finally have that poison out of my life. What it took was finally seeing the reality of the situation… The real picture not the image or the illusion I had in my mind. I fell in love with my soulmate but… Because of her sociopathic behavior, she tricked me. The idealization phase is so powerful. They really get you hooked it is just awful! it is so heartbreaking to find out what liars they are. I was lucky that I came up with this plan to finally find out the truth. I think that if I had not gone through with it and stayed in the illusion, I would still be in it as I write this. I do feel closure.
Also, I wanted to mention that what was tricky for me was really wanting to know the truth. I am sure I could have come up with this plan a lot sooner in our relationship but I just wasn’t ready to really face the truth. Being the empath that I am, I wanted to keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. That is what the bank on! Sociopaths have no conscience. she would have strung me along and taking advantage of me for as long as I would have let her!the good news is I’ve really gotten on with my own life. In the last few weeks I have put the focus back on myself and my business, my home, taking care of myself. It is a bit lonely at times but I am not that anxious to get into another relationship as of yet. I need a break lol! It is nice to be able to love myself again. One thing for sure is the next time I see any red flags I will run in the other direction! The red flags were there in the first month and I ignored them. Big mistake lol! I wish anyone reading this the best of luck in finding their truth. One thing we must all remember, is that we feel. . What I felt was inside of me and it is still inside of me. I felt the joy of giving. I just gave it to the wrong person.
So glad to have found this post. I am speechless which is abnormal. I have spent so much time thinking I am crazy and have broken the no contact rule to many times just to be set back to square one. I have tried a new strategy and friends have stepped in to assist. He is so manipulative I get blindsided at times.
NC is a form of severe punishment. It is excruciatingly painful. It is treacherous. It is worse than death. For the rest of your life, you will forever have this thorn in your flesh. A thorn pricks, a thorn hurts deeply. It is a very bitter pill to chew on. May God carry us through and bring us out safely and sanely.
I think no contact is painful to a narc. Not a sociopath. Sociopaths don’t care carry on in their own way with other people. If you wont give what they want somebody else will. But it is the best thing for us. I dont think they are really that fussed who they are with, as long as they get what they want.