Just when you thought that you are finally free of the sociopath. You might be hurt, but you are taking time out to recover, and to try to heal. The ruining and smear campaigns start. What is more hurtful is how effective the sociopath is at doing this.
You might have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are probably the victim in all of this, suffering sometimes colossal losses and damage to your life. You might need your ‘friends’ around you to support you. What might amaze you, is that if you are very unlucky the sociopath will ensure the ending of the relationship is exactly as the beginning was with you.
The sociopath is hellbent on causing destruction, wherever they go in life. Remember that they fear only two things:
- Fear of exposure
- Fear of losing control
When the relationship ends, the sociopath will do everything that he can do, to protect his image. To avoid those two fears becoming a reality, you might be amazed that the people that the sociopath will speak to are YOUR friends.
Remember how in the beginning, the sociopath sold YOU yourself. Using a thread of truth from what they already knew about you, mixed in with the lie, to make his lies sound believable? The sociopath repeats this behaviour, only this time, he will do this to people that are close to you, or your wider social network. His aim is to alienate you from support, and to prevent exposure about how he has treated you. So that if you do talk, you will not be believed and you will seem like the crazy one.
Third party abuse
You might have already realised that whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, he isolated you from friends, family or your wider social network. This would have been done subtly, so that you hardly realised what he was doing. Either by exerting control, real or fake jealousy, telling you negative things about your friends, feeding you false information, telling you that people do not care about you, whilst acting at the same time, like your very best friend, and your saviour and rescuer from these people who are against you.
When the relationship ends with the sociopath, he does exactly the same thing. Only in reverse. This time, the sociopath will
- Mirror your friends (who were previously hurt by your rejection of them)
- Will feed them false information – which sounds believable because they will use a thread of truth (saying things that they already know)
- Will deliberately target those that he knows that you have fallen out with (often because of things that he said or did in the relationship, feeding you false information) – he will use these people to spread lies about you. Making those lies sound believeable by mixing it with a thread of truth
- Will discredit you, using this information, and feeding back to them – positive reinforcements about themselves
- Act like victim
- Will use previous examples… especially using knowledge that they already know (mixed with lies) – this is especially effective if your friend has been hurt by your rejection of them
- Well sell the other person exactly what they want
- Will feed their own narcissistic supply
The sociopath doesn’t think too much about what they are doing. It is natural, defence mechanism reaction, it is their own self preservation. By gaining people on side, and supporting them against you, they avoid being exposed, and to them, they have the ultimate control.
You can be left reeling. Often you have sat at home and done no actions at all. Yet, lies are being spread about you, which have little bearing on reality.
The sociopath is now using third party people to abuse you. The sociopath will always try to get in there first. Remember that he has no connections of his own. Not really. He therefore feels jealous of the ones that you have. The wider the social network that you have, the bigger the damage that can be done. Having observed, you and your life, and having controlled you, the sociopath will know exactly the key people to target. He will affect (if he can) all areas of your life. Leaving him, seemingly the victim, but also the hero, and identifying with them and their needs, and you (the victim) the bad guy.
If you try to reach out for support or talk to others, you might face either
- Overt rejection
- Covert rejection
Overt rejection by others (to your face)
- People not taking your calls
- Not being invited to events
- People stopping calling you
- A blank response when asking for help, and trying to explain what has happened to you
- Leaving your life altogether
- Alienating you
Covert rejection by others (behind your back)
- Seeing you as the perpetrator, not the victim
- Talking behind your back (about you and not to you) – being the source of gossip
- Listening to the lies spread by the sociopath and worse spreading them
- Not being supportive
- Looking at you in ‘pity’ if you try to explain what has happened to you
How this feels, what to do, and recovery
Unfortunately, you are left disarmed when this happens to you. There is little that you can do about it. After all, you are not the master manipulator, the sociopath is. The worse thing, is if you have been unfortunate to meet more than one sociopath in a row. This makes the sociopath’s job relatively easy, as they can build on lies told by the previous one.
Even if this hasn’t happened. And this is the first one that you have met, he will continue with his hate campaign against you, whilst smiling with kind eyes, and appearing to be the victim, and ‘caring about you’. Yes that is right, the sociopath will not talk about you in an ‘attacking way’, he can do, in temper, but not always. Often, he will act as rescuer and carer for your friends. Selling them information that they need to hear, to heal the hurt that they feel about your rejection of them.
For you, this can be absolutely devastating. In truth you have been involved in an abusive relationship, where you were used, abused, and controlled. You now want to go back to your old life. You need grounding and reality. So you reach out for help. But face third party abuse.
You sink further down. Things cannot get possibly worse, you think.
That is the truth. Things CAN’T get worse!
Coming out of the other side, is like passing through a storm. You are stronger than you think you are. Remember this:
- People who genuinely love you and care for you, will love you unconditionally, and no matter what the sociopath says will not be long term affected by anything that the sociopath says
- The real, genuine people in your life, know the real you, the real character, these are the people to hold onto
- That the sociopath would have assessed you and deliberately targeted – those that provided the greatest support for you – (remember this happened in the relationship, when isolating you)
- You might have to, for your own sanity, start very small, even with just close family members, and start again
- Don’t try to change others opinion. It won’t work. The sociopath would have covered their tracks, and will have done all that he can do, to come out of the battle unscathed and looking like a caring angel
- Often they also target people that have previously abandoned you, or caused pain to you. This gives them a) an element of control b) empowerment as now they are joining forces (so it has to be true, right?)
Just salvage what you can. Focus on the inner YOU. Remember that true happiness, comes from within. Only YOU can make YOU happy. Nobody else.
Yes, it is hurtful, but this is exactly what the sociopath operates on. Causing hurt, pain and damage. So that they can make themselves feel better about their own actions.
If you are reading this, if you can identify with this, if this has happened to you. Even if you feel alone and isolated after this has happened. Take heart. You are not alone. I write this, as it happened to me. Just as it has happened to me, it has happened also to millions of victims all over the world.
You are not a victim, you are a survivor. Try not to think about others reactions and don’t fight back. Fighting back will simply reinforce the lies that the sociopath is telling about you, especially if you lose your temper.
Take time out to focus on yourself. Learn to trust you again. Leave it a while, let the dust settle. Remember that you can never change someone else. But you can change you.
Also remember this – lies will take speed….. but the truth will always have endurance!!!
Words copyright at datingasociopath.com 2013 All rights reserved
Dating a Sociopath 
Almost three months out… and I wake up this morning to a horrible email from him in my “spam” folder telling me “leave my family alone. If you get killed on the back of a motorcycle I won’t feel bad about it all. F— off! I hate you. You are a liar, you cheated on me the entire time we were together. Quit making up stories about me, you are trash.”
Three months and I have completely left him alone. I have left his family alone. I could care less what he thinks, but reading those horrible, hate-filled words really makes me mad because all I want to be is LEFT ALONE. I DO want to keep receiving anything he might send though because if he threatens me, I will get a restraining order immediately….
Sick S.O.B….. Wow.
Hey I have received these MANY times over (as we did discard ending lots of times). So, lets translate what he has said into psycho language and thinking)
First of all – remember he fears TWO things –
Fear of exposure
Fear of losing control
First of all, he is pissed that he hasn’t heard from you begging and pleading for him. This damages his fragile ego. So he is upset about this. Feels rejected. (or his new source of supply might have run dry)
Secondly he fears exposure, so (you have to remember he is a psycho) he THINKS you think like him. So, when he is quiet he is up to something devious. Therefore he assumes that you are too. its weird, but the way that they are.
His saying to you about you cheating on him, is an opening line, for you to respond to him. (saying I didn’t cheat – and I haven’t contacted your family)….. DON’T!! Ignore him.
He fears that you are going to expose him – and he now knows that you are a risk to him being exposed for who he truly is. The silence (as they like drama) is deafening. Esp if he has lost his source of supply – they often return like boomerangs. So he is checking in with you, seeing what your response would be.
Ignore him, and this isn’t really personal. He probably had a rant, sent the email then got on with his day!! They are like that!! 🙂 Also be aware that this might also signal that he is about to do lies about you… as usually they accuse you of doing exactly what they are doing themself.
Am sure he will get another source of supply – and move on again. He doesn’t hate you. He hates himself.
Thank you for the reinforcement… I came up with a wonderful email to send as a response to him & decided it just wasn’t worth it. But I was so proud of myself, I want to share it with you:
Donald,
Wow, thank you for the kind words. I’m doing GREAT, thank you for asking. And I have a GREAT place to live! Not to mention I’m actually having FUN again with my friends & family. My life is MUCH better without a socipathic, abusive control freak trying to run it for me. Oh, and I actually have money to buy things… I just bought a $280.00 Harley jacket to wear on the “motorcycle rides” (it’s a Harley) I go on now with my “guy” friend! Oh, and no need to worry, I’ll be safe. I know you said you wouldn’t care if something happened to me on the bike, but I know you were just kidding. Besides, I wouldn’t want to ruin the size 8 jeans that I’m now fitting my “fat ass” into since I left your sorry, lying ass & lost 25 pounds from not being stressed anymore!
Thank you for checking on me~ but really, no need to worry about me. I’m doing good, feeling good and wow, I’m LOOKING good too! Yay ME!
P.S. All of my friends got a great kick out of your email… thanks for sharing! Oh, and don’t worry, I’m saving everything you send me & also sending it on to my Dad’s attorney friend and a couple of police officers here in town. 🙂
With MANY thanks for letting me go so that I can be happy again,
Me
Well, I think it’s good therapy to write it, then put it in drafts, as it makes you feel better. But he doesn’t get the satisfaction of hearing from you.
Sociopaths are really perceptive, at analysing you. So, if you give nothing there is nothing for them to analyse! 🙂
Remember that discard feeling of nothing…. how worthless it makes you feel? If you took the time to reply to him, it would show him that you still care. By not replying anything – it shows that really you don’t care at all! 🙂 …. and that is truly moving on!
Well done you for not sending it!! 🙂 yay!!
so very very true…….
Get yer retaliation in first! I clocked my ex’s hate campaign agaisnt her ex-husband and thus have have no compunction about telling the truth about her. She cheated on me, seduced me and dumped me even when there would have been absolutely no need to do so. The most hurtful part were the emotional seductions; being told you’re someone’s soulmate and best friend then casually ditched when you’ve served your purpose. Sorry, but I think that people deserve to be warned if a snake like that is in their midst.
Yes me too. Thing is they are incredibly good at twisting the truth around to their advantage. They have sick minds, and would have already worked out what your weaknesses were (when playing victim to you, so you opened up to her) she might not mention those weaknesses.But she registers and remembers. How long ago did you break up?
Well at least I covered this base on instinct. I didnt sat anything for the first couple years after I found the affair and gambling was uncovered digging for that but after it was uncovered I would not relent and let him go on like normal with no responsibility.
It literally threw us into war. When I was desperately tired I would give him false credit for something I know he didnt do just to take a break.Think after it rains aww, you washed my car for me (for hours apparently, then just sit and rest listening to him rolling in the lies) but at least it wasn’t fighting.
But after I got out of the negotiation phase one day I thought back to another sociopath and I said “silence makes victims”, I started talking and posting EVERYTHING on my fb. It was really on then but he thought I would break and not expose him. He still hates me for exposing him, still shifts the blame at any mention but when he tried to start to smear me people had an idea what was going on. He closed his fb but has sent a few texts about how he is going to tell everyone how mean I am rejecting him and I left him so it is my fault we are broke up.
Maybe an angel whispered in my ear that day cause it was humiliating at first to say how degrading I was living but once I got over that. ALL of it out there.
Get this, my estranged sociopath dad, walked into my life 2 years ago, and after I worked him out, has leeched onto my mother(his 30 year ago ex) as his new BFF. And my mother says I’ve bullied him!!
Aargh that is a tough one. And I take it you don’t get on with him Hobbit?
omg I havent finished reading yet but “targeted by more than one sociopath… build on the lies of last” is exactly where I am at right now. The thing is these are all his friends and family (as far as I know he hasnt gone after mine cause all in diff countries and never gave him their numbers …also recently , hopefully not too late, made my friends list on fb private.. But I have been noticing those signs of covert issues with some which has me wondering .. but since the likely cause could also be my not having left him when I said I would – and did but got caught back in – and my talking about the whole thing more than I usually would dissect a breakup or relationship.. if I ask and am wrong Im scared mentioning him again now would drive the final nail in the coffin of some of my still surviving friendships. .. those I had with his friends and family before dating him I know are over which is odd too as they warned me and where among those who got angry with me at first for not leaving him as they said , and I knew but it wasnt about that, I was so much better than him and he was nothing but drama and chaos and looked out only for himself so I would be better with someone calmer etc etc – thats what his brother told me the day after yelling at him over his treatment of me (bad move and I knew it then) and right before telling me to break it off with him in the cruelest way possible and date our mutual friend who I was at the time closer to but who I also somehow lost while away the last few months.
I completely agree with this blog.I have faced a lot of ruining smear campaigns and 3rd party abuses caused by a sociopath.
This blog has given me the strength to endure more.
After all “you cannot put an adhesive tape on every mouth that speaks against you or on every sociopathic brain which thinks against you.”
Even if You have a clear conscience and are being victimized,- “You have to change and adapt in order to survive.”
Simply ignore the smear campaign and 3rd party abuse and carry on with your life….
ALL THE BEST !!!!
Thanks for your comment Raj 🙂 And also the positivity.
Thankyou!
I had my Sociopath do exactly this to me. She was a Ex-drug addicted Prostitute and had just gotten out of prison after doing five years for armed robbery, she told me she wanted to turn her life around and being the Christian I am I didn’t judge her. And I felt terribly sorry for her and wanted to save her. As she told me all these stories of being molested as a child ect. I met her at a club and she said she did hair and nails for cheap, and would do mine for only 20 bucks each. I hit her up and after she did my hair and nails which came out looking great…we became friends and eventually roommates. She was funny, attractive, seemingly smart ect. She promised me she would get a job if I payed the first months rent. (Which of course was a lie) I was basically paying for everything…food, rent, other bills ect. Then when I introduced her to my group of friends…things began to change. She started making cruel jokes while we were out and about in public, littlr digs and rude remarks about me that were funny but really hurtful at the same time. It was humiliating. And then she started the abuse telling me I wasn’t good enough or that I never did anything right and was stuid, she would scream and even curse at me telling me I was dumb, idiotic and wasn’t a real friend…you know the classic abuse of the Sociopath. (May I mind you this is coming from a Prostitute) to make a long story short, I eventually found out she was still Prostituting and doing drugs behind my back and not once applied for a job after 6 months of putting up with her bullsh*t and all the money and time I wasted on her. I was finally pushed to my breaking point with the way she treated and spoke to me…and the utter lack of respect. I packed my things and left. Cutting off all contact. And she got evicted from the apartment soon after. She hit me up on Facebook after a few months of no contact telling me she missed me a great deal ect. All I could do was laugh. Did she honestly think I would want anything to do with her after the way she treated me? Silly Sociopath!
She missed you? You mean she missed all that you did for her!! Thanks for sharing, incredible how they are all the same isn’t it?
My x sociopath has been gone for a couple weeks. My FEAR is she will try to return!
I recall living in that state of fear. I found silence often the most disturbing as I wondered what was going to happen next. usually when it is silent they are either a) playing the game so that you will miss them or b) they are busy elsewhere…
Or she is planning something far worse.
My family and friends have been great. Pulled me out of the bottle fast and planted my feet on the ground. A swift kick in the pants and I’m on my way.
Lots of research about her mental issues has me aware. I always knew everything was wrong, but I always thought I could love her through it.
I WAS WRONG!!!
It’d be hard if she starts calling, texting or emailing. So I have already changed all of those. I know in time I will grow strong enough to say no to her. Not sure how long that’ll take. But I hope and pray it’s soon!