Coping with pain after sociopath discard

Understanding sociopath discard, and the silence of No closure!


Being in a relationship with a sociopath, can be a whirlwind of emotions. You can be told one thing, yet actions never match the words. There are different types, some are more openly narcissistic and abusive, others, are more charismatic.

The regular pattern of a narcissist is

  • Idealise
  • Devalue
  • Discard

Whilst all sociopaths are narcissists, not all narcissists are sociopaths.

The sociopath, is a compulsive pathological liar. Because of this, you do not always witness the devalue stage to your face. The more charismatic that the sociopath is, the less likely you will witness the devalue stage. Remember that the sociopath finds being honest, and telling the truth, more difficult to say, than the lie.

This means that you can see the relationship move swiftly, from idealise – discard, and not witness the devalue stage. The devaluing stage is happening, but not to your face. It will be happening behind your back. The narcissist would openly devalue you, put you down, belittle you and will undermine you. A charismatic sociopath struggles with the truth. For the charismatic sociopath, telling the truth is more painful than telling the lie, or keeping up pretence. Due to this, it is common, that you will not witness the relationship coming to an end, as you would in an ordinary relationship. It is often sudden and without warning.

Another way for a sociopath to end the relationship, might be to behave really unreasonable. To refuse to talk to you, pick a fight, or be overly controlling. This is deliberate behaviour is designed to infuriate you, so that you find him intolerable, and end the relationship yourself.

Often, there is no warning at all. The sociopath will disappear from your life, suddenly and without warning.

However the relationship comes to an end, it is often shocking. You are left with your senses reeling, and feeling absolutely confused about what has just happened. Sometimes you can be with the sociopath one day, and he is telling you how much he loves you, and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. The next day, he is gone. Or the next day, for no reason at all there will be a huge argument, and you are left wondering how did that happen, and ultimately, blame yourself.

What is the effect of sociopath discard?

The lack of closure at the end of the relationship with the sociopath can be particularly damaging. It can delay healing, and it can leave you feeling, that the relationship is not quite over. You might feel:

  • Confused
  • Bewildered
  • Lost
  • Desperate for answers
  • A longing and neediness to understand
  • Wanting back the honeymoon stage
  • Unsure if the relationship is actually over or not?
  • Self-blame
  • Manipulated, conned and deceived

More than likely the biggest feeling will be one of confusion.   You might be unsure if the relationship is actually over, because it has happened so suddenly and there was no build up, no warning, no time to prepare. It can feel shocking.

The one thing that you will likely feel is desperate for is answers. Sadly, the one person that can give you those answers is usually the person that you were in the relationship with.  However, being involved with a sociopath, this is not likely to happen. It shouldn’t happen, because the sociopath is the last person that you should seek for answers.

It is normal to want answers. Answers give understanding, and help with closure. Without this, you can feel lost and unsure of what is happening.

In a healthy, normal relationship, the following things happen prior to breakup

  • Negative or limited communication
  • Emotional distance
  • Lack of physical warmth
  • Time apart
  • Feeling negative towards your partner, and unable to see positive things about them
  • Thoughts about the relationship coming to an end
  • Feeling unhappy

Normal and healthy relationships can and do come to an end. However, normally, some of the relationship breakup is experienced whilst still in the relationship.

With a sociopath, the above warning signs are often not present. With a sociopath, you may have had suspicions that things are going wrong,  but the sociopath will lie, manipulate, and deceive. If you raise questions about your suspicions, you will be told that you are crazy, and that it is not really like that at all.

You might question your mind whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, but the sociopath is good at continuing to deceive you. Not wanting to be hurt, or to have another relationship breakdown, you accept the explanations.

This is why it is particularly difficult and painful, when you experience discard from the sociopath. You are left feeling confused.

Why does the sociopath discard in this way?

There are many reasons why the sociopath will suddenly discard his partner. Always, the reasons have little to do with you. It has everything to do with him and his needs and wishes.

The sociopath wears a mask. But he will only wear that mask for as long as he is getting what he wants. The sociopath is not emotionally connected, to you or anybody else. Whilst the sociopath might show connection, this would only be a disguise, to to serve his own needs.

When the sociopath realises that he can have better supply elsewhere, Or if he feels that supply with you is coming to an end he will leave you without warning. The sociopath would have sourced a new victim for supply, but this would have been done behind your back and without your knowledge.

To do so, it is likely that the sociopath, needed to play victim, to the new source. Often they would have made complaints about you, to gain sympathy and win support. Again, this will be something that you have absolutely no knowledge of, until later.

The sociopath works hard to ensure that his pathway for escape is clear.

You might think, well, if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, why can’t he give me closure, why can’t he call me? Why can’t he meet with me?

The reason is simple, and it is four things

  • The sociopath is selfish, and only thinks of his own needs
  • He might want to come back for further source of supply at a later date
  • To prevent exposure
  • To stay in control

How do you get over this?

You might wonder how do you get over this? How can you get over this if you have no answers? You also might wonder if the sociopath is going to come back, and you could have a longing for the honeymoon period again. You might be left feeling bewildered and confused.

  • Remember NOBODY stays confused forever
  • Remember that the sociopath is a liar, you couldn’t get the truth when you were IN the relationship – you therefore won’t get the truth when it has ended
  • No contact is the way for YOU to regain control
  • Block email, phone, text, social networking sites, and take back control of you, and your life
  • Yes YOU can choose to move on from this!
  • Read as much as you can. Find out as much information as you can. The more you learn and understand, the quicker you will become set free
  • Take back your energy, and start loving YOU
  • Every day do something which makes you happy
  • Stay with the present
  • Think positive (you are what you think)
  • Realise that this is NOT your fault, there is nothing that you did wrong (no matter what he says)
  • Don’t waste time wondering what he is doing
  • Make contact with others who have been through the same thing
  • Make yourself some new life goals
  • Be gentle on yourself
  • The most important rule of all is to NOT expect closure or answers from the sociopath
  • Remember – the sociopath is the liar, and if he gets back in touch, it is only because he wants to use you for further supply – you deserve better
  • Also remember that this is not just you, there are millions of us who have been through the same thing.
  • Most important of all, is to forgive yourself, and start loving you again! 🙂

186 thoughts on “Coping with pain after sociopath discard”

  1. You just wrote the exact, and I mean EXACT thing that happened to me. I cannot believe I was reading this! This is the best explanation I have ever read about what happened. Thank you.

    1. Your welcome Cindy, its always good to know that it is not just you. That silence can make you feel worthless and desperate for answers…. I hope it helps! 🙂

      1. Great info.

        Could you edit to none gender specific? Drop the he/his.

        My ex forfills 9/10 of the criteria for sociopath and your stage explaination was perfect.

        Don’t let this good work become a man bashing blog, its worth more than that.

      2. Hi Ian, thank you for your insightful comments. It is certainly not meant to be bashing men – as it doesn’t discuss men in general, but sociopaths, which includes female sociopaths, at some point, i am going to try to re-write posts to make them gender neutral, as I know that a lot of victims of female sociopaths also read here.

      3. Agree with Cindy…. It s exactly what I am going through… This is beyond belief. Right now, I am struggling.. I am in NC, she keeps calling, asking how I am doing, and I should take care of myself, etc… just checking over me, but she already chases other men -from FB, I follow, I know what I have to do but I cannot pull the plug…. I am frozen….. Those who reads my lines. Beware folks, never spend one more day if you see similarities in your relationship and this article.

      4. If you were to establish NO contact tomorrow Dguy – realistically what is the worst that will happen? Well she might stalk you – harass you…. but aside from this? Likely she has already done the damage and the ruining (they do before they move on) also – from what I understand of female sociopaths (from what male victims write here) – they often use social networking to play you and hurt you. So stop contact – stop playing her game. Block her in every way that you can. Phone/text/email/social networking…. it is hard at first – but after a while you will grow stronger.

    2. Exact same thing just happened to me and finding this explanation has already helped me cope A LOT and I’m slowly learning not to expect answers and realize the entire relationship was a lie. I’m unsure if going to therapy would help me understand anything or if time is the best medicine. Any thoughts?

      1. Therapy can help, it really depends on finding the right therapist. Time is a great healer. I think the one thing that we need, is explanation, understanding, closure, and to work on self love. Over time, you will go through a period of bereavement. Whether you need therapy, really is an individual thing. There are some great ones out there. Personally I am often happier to work through things myself. A therapist who didn’t understand fully sociopathic behaviour could look at you as a co-dependent, not realising that sociopaths are masterful, and you could have been strong and not co-dependent at all prior to meeting the sociopath. Its always a personal thing.

        I didn’t see a therapist. But I did have to work hard to work through it, I found that talking to others who had been through the same thing who really ‘got it’ was the most helpful. it is difficult to explain crazy to anyone who really doesn’t get it – and if the therapist cannot have unconditional positive regard for you – it is not always beneficial. However, if you have been severely emotionally abused – therapy can be great to help undo the psychological damage. I would have thought that gestalt therapy would be good, as it works in a holistic way and can help you to find you. But that is my own personal opinion. Obviously I don’t know you, your circumstances – everyone is different. Follow your heart and what feels right for you to do. .

    3. I’m still unsure how to move on from this. I finally go the idiot to get his stuff out of my house after he abruptly moved out 6 months before. I didn’t know what hit me, no explanation told me on a Monday was moving out by Friday. No regard for me. This has helped me because it explained exactly what I went through & what I’m feeling. I still feel confused & lost. I keep telling myself it could have been a lot worse. The thing that saved me was his friend is my neighbor. He doesn’t want to look like a tool to his friend, especially since they work together.

    4. Well my ex girlfireind ran to the hospital saying she was suicidal when i arrived I was told to go away as she screamed I want her to leave me alone.. I was like what after 2 years together .. so I go back to her house where my stuff was at and I was met by her sister and adult children and the police who told me to leave. So I did crying the whole way confused, later I find out she has a girlfriend and then later she fleeees in the night leaving her house to live out of state and claims she is afraid of me and had to leave. Wed she was in Love with me and er were looking at houses to buy and Friday it was I hate you and I almost got arrested…EEEkkk Run—then i findout the whole time I was paying the bilss etc, she had a girlfriend behind my back so yes even lesbians can be sociopaths Again I lover her very much and have no idea why howcome etc,, the family hates me and blame me for her leaving I am like really

      1. Hi Cindy, welcome to the site.

        I would imagine that she had already been grooming her family and others to her side way before it happened. Whilst smiling to you. She would have behind your back, been planning her escape and getting support of others to do so by playing victim.

        It hurts, and it hurts so much more when you are the victim, yet made out to be the hurtful one and the perpretrator, isolating you from support. This is a common sociopathic trait 😦

    5. The exact same thing happened to me as well.. I needed to understand the process of how SP’s work in the discarding phase. Reading how this cycle works has given me good insight and a great deal of relief in understanding which lifts some weight off me. It is all making sense now. They all do the same thing.. All I want is to recover and heal quickly. Reading so much information and hearing from others has going through the same is the only comfort for my mind to process such trauma.. This has been the worse for me, epecially having multiple situations back to back. The only successful thing I have done is avoid, but the pain and confusion has been extremely intense and without answers to plug in, it is nothing but poison – very toxic.. I want to be better and free so desperately.. I am really glad I am finding appropriate information about such experience online. Thanks to all you who share!!

      1. I thought and felt the exact same thing it’s weird too bc you really do think it’s you, and it truly feels like your under a spell, if you ever want to talk I’m here

      2. Im going through what you went through right now. I hope you’re feeling better & all is well. Take care.

    6. It has been 6 years and I am still having trouble trusting anybody!
      Finally I have started working on myself. I had a severe case of depression after he told me he didn’t want to marry me. He even took the $5500 ring back. Now he is remarried.

      1. Oh I broke up with him severial times and he alway came back on his knees. He left his wife for me. She later died of cancer. I feel it’s my fault for what we put her through. He would tell me other people were jealous of what we had. LOL I had only been with my husband for 16 years. I was a disaster waiting to happen. In the beginning, the good times were oh so GOOD. We would lay in bed and could not go to sleep without just a hand on each others arm.
        What is so sad is I don’t think I will ever trust anyone again. I don’
        t trust myself to to make a smart decision about a relationship.
        So where does that leave me?

    7. I was 40 and my ex husband never showed me any affection. We did not have the same interest. We were highschool sweethearts. This man was 13 years older than me. He thought I walked on water and then stated slowly tearing me down. I am still recovering.

    8. The same thing happened to me after 20 years of marriage and three kids!! I am still bitter-thank you for the outstanding advice!!

  2. Yep… same thing here. I found out shortly after that he had been bad-mouthing me to his new “lady friend” at work & then, out of the blue, announced he didn’t love me anymore & I was moved out three days later. He even did the packing! lol. I can laugh looking back… the whole thing was so completely bizarre & crazy, that all I can do is laugh! He went from “I love you” on a Saturday to “I don’t love you anymore” on a Tuesday. He had found his new “supply” in the form of 60 year old woman (he’s 44) with four kids and grandkids. The FUNNY thing is that he obviously thinks she has money (about the only thing he wanted and took from me) but according to our county website, she filed bankruptcy last year & has lost two houses. She probably thinks that she found herself a pot of gold because he LIES constantly. What she found is a sociopath with over $15,000 in credit card debt. I love, love, LOVE KARMA! HA!

    1. Ah that is funny Kg, and no doubt, when the truth dawns on him, he might try and come back your way, telling you how he made a mistake and you were the love of his life 🙂

      My ex wrongly assessed me too….. I wasn’t in debt, but i wasn’t as well off as I appeared to be. He jumped in on the ‘everything for free’ …. bandwagon, and got his fingers burned. I was traumatised and vulnerable when he met me, then I grew stronger, and became an absolute nightmare 🙂

  3. He better NEVER, ever come back this way… The only thing I want and/or need is for the SOB to stay the hello away from me & my life. The whole year was the most bizarre year I have ever spent with anyone. Sadly, I kept second guessing myself thinking I was part of the problem… Um…. NOPE! lol!

  4. You just wrote about my life I’m one week in to being discarded he just snnounced afyer 2.5 years he didnt love me anymore never has and sll the rest I am so messed up not sleeping obsessive thoughts all the what if I had of done this that the other if only I had of not said/done that thinking he will move on I really thought we had a future we have a one year old but the worst thing is I have let him still be here in our house/bed while he is waiting on his new place to be empty still washing cooking for him has my self worth gotten so low that I don’t know what’s right and wrong I know there is something is growing inside me that is why I found this site and it helps to know I’m not alone I am so scared of coming to the full realisation of what I have been through I don’t want to feel hatred bitterness and the rest I could ruin his life with the knowledge I have on him but for the sake of mine and my children’s mental health I just want to learn/know how to let go my heart tells me I love him to the core and my head well…. You can imagine the obscenities and nasty thoughts 😦

    1. I understand that sense of confusion Jade. In your heart you love, but in your head, you remember all of the bad things that were done to you. The lies, the manipulation, the control. If you have a child with him, and he is a sociopath, get ready for the next part of the journey as they often use the child to control you. Its ok for them to move on, but not you. Having his own place, he can then have the lot, his own privacy and space to do what he wants. but he will also want to have control over you, and your life.

      Why are you still doing his washing and cooking if you have split up? Or is it easier that way? I do get that, sometimes to peace and keeping the peace is easier than yet another drama. It will get easier. Its like a bereavement, and you go through the stages at the end. Is it his idea to leave? Or yours, or is he actually leaving – or playing games?

      1. Why am I still doing everything god it makes me seem so pathetic I’m doing it because I want him to stay I want him to love me even admitting that just kind of put things a bit in perspective what the hell am I doing so wrong! It his idea to leave at first I thought he was playing games but he’s actually going I feel used and I keep thinking this shit only happens in the movies right? Wrong

      2. I would time frame it though. If he really is a sociopath (and I don’t know)…. he will play games, and control you.

        If you are happy to continue to do his washing and cooking, whilst your heart is broken – that is up to you.

        The question is, how does being with him, make you feel about YOU? How does he make you feel about yourself?

      3. There are no right and wrong answers. It is simply doing what feels right for you!! If he is meant to be going, why hasn’t he?

        And if you are doing all his cooking and washing now, how is he going to cope living alone? 🙂

      4. What a powerful question how do I feel and how does he make me feel well I feel shit and insecure and not the same bubbly energetic sporty outgoing girl I used to be and I miss her my kids miss her . Thanks for your replys it really does help to speak out for once 🙂

    2. You are not alone. There is me, and there are millions of victims out there. Just on this page alone you can read the comments from different people.

      There are more victims than sociopaths – try to remember that!! …. it might be a bumpy journey for a while. But hopefully at the end….. you can find peace , healing and recovery.

  5. I was emotionally BRUTALIZED by someone who started out so very very nice to me. He is very sick and I am still very much recovering after six months of his notorious “silent treatment” – in other words, control. He knows I can’t stand it; so, that is his behavior of choice. He has teased and taunted me through indirect contact with me through friends, but stays “silent” toward me despite my attempts to communicate. I KNOW I will never have closure with this monster.I will NEVER email him again. I have decided to stop returning emails to anyone associated with him in any way. They are being played by him too and don’t realize it.

    I feel that the only way that I can stop all of “it”, including my own delusional hopes of his ever coming back, is for ME to decide to NEVER EVER under any circumstances to respond to the emails of any of these people associated with him and to in particular decide NOW that If I ever hear from him, which I believe I will one day when he needs something and is desperate for whatever it is, to again, decide NOW
    that if that day should ever come, that I must have a preset plan to either NOT respond at all or perhaps to respond back with a quick and effective profanity directed at him. That way, he will know that I got his email and that his relationship “death sentence” with me has already been signed. I think I would feel a small degree of satisfaction to imagine what it would be like for him to get a strong “kick” at a time when he is hopeful of some resource.

    I think it is important for victims to “gain control”, not only through NO CONTACT, but also through reciprocation of Karma. In other words, I have decided that I will NEVER email him again AND that IF I ever get an email from him, that I will in a very matter of fact way, send him a quick profanity directed toward him. After that, he can send emails to Santa Claus if he wants and he will never hear a wimper out of me again. He will be at the mercy of the “silent treatment” he so cruelly delivered to me and it will be endless, and he will KNOW that I KNOW that he is being shunned and ignored. This for me is closure that I am in control of. Again, if I don’t ever hear from him, then he can live with the loss of supply that I know I supplied very very well. This guy couldn’t shut up for 5 minutes. NOBODY has the energy and patience to provide a listening ear to someone who interrupts and finishes literally every sentence in a conversation no matter who is talking.

    He is Austrian. I did write him in English, “Gutten luck” with your nasty behavior. I ‘m sure that if I couldn’t handle it, nobody will, but hey, I’m sure you’ll find that out.

    I would not go”silent” under any “normal” circumstances, but these are definitely not “normal” circumstances and NO CONTACT is the best way to gain control of my life. From this moment forward, I am going silent, except perhaps a swift kick oneday if he foolishly believes he can crawl back after the intense and infinite cruelty he has delivered to me. He can then ask Santa Claus to help him. Gutten luck!

    BTW, this nut actually called himself Prince Charming:) Wow!

    1. Hi thanks for your comment. I am so sorry that you have been let down and hurt in this way. I went through one of the most cruel discards with someone who gave me the silent treatment. And this was 6 days after our daughter died at full term. It was awful. I do also know what you mean about getting third parties to get to you also. It is painful. It sounds like you are moving forward into recovery. It can be a difficult process to do. But – you have the ability to love and to feel which is why you hurt so badly inside. He feels nothing, because literally he feels nothing. So you are the winner!! You always will be.

      1. Thank you soooooo much for your deep understanding of this haunting nonsense. I am also very sorry that you along with the rest of us here have experienced such intense and such “unneccessary” pain. What a waste of our energy, hearts, and minds to be subjugated by such horrible treatment.

        I do hold out lots of hope in my own happiness though, of course, with him completely out of the picture. I recently went on a great trip by myself to Washington D.C. , the same place he and I had our first “boundary violation”, where he attempted unsuccessfully to get me to pay for all of his expenses. Funny how money surfaced and he DID have money to pay for his expenses when I clearly said NO. Nothing was ever good after that. But this time on my trip alone, I reclaimed my love for Washington D.C. and had an absolutely great time there. Yes, I thought of the awful stuff, but I got a lot of rest and relaxation, really enjoyed myself, and wasn’t focused on all the reasons why he would not join me in doing anything I liked to do (out of his selfishness and spite) or worrying about what bad thing was going to happen next. I remember leaving D.C. last time and literally crying on the plane ride home. This time, I relaxed , enjoyed myself and thought about what an absolutely great time I had WITHOUT him. Throughout the trip, I felt confident and “stable”, in the “present”., and able to think about what I was doing and enjoying and looking forward to things I was going to do that day, a very different feeling from feeling preoccupied with his constantly changing needs all the time.

        There really is a little bluebird over the rainbow, only this time I actually stopped to listen to them sing rather than not even noticing them before. I felt free and really good and I carried that feeling home with me.

      2. I think the thing is that you can never change other people. But you can change you. You can change your mind and your thinking and do things differently. If you were with a sociopath (the one who I wrote about in last post wasn’t) I don’t think? But he did do discard in that way. It wasn’t nice to experience.

  6. You asked if I was with a sociopath. The answer to that is beyond any remote shadow of any doubt. Yes, sometimes people will leave a relationship and never want to talk again., but the silent treatment after sociopathic discard is different. It feels different. He actually induced it after I caught him in another major lie. He lives in the Bahamas and I live in Florida and he promised to visit ASAP after a few problems we had, but then started claiming that he has no money to fly here. I accidentally found out through a mutual friend that he was IN Florida when he wrote me that he has no money to get to Florida. She read me his emails to her saying that she shouldn’t tell anyone he is in Florida. Then when I told him I am royally angry at him for lying AGAIN, he told me that my words are lies and fabrications and that I am having a mental breakdown (gaslighting to the max!) and then came discard. He did send my good friend an email the day he discarded me, telling her what a great guy he is and that I am angry at him. I never heard from him directly again.

    The night before I went to D.C. for my great trip (6 months later) , his two male friends emailed me saying that he was in Florida and wanted me to help with some animal issue in the Bahamas. We both love animals; so, I told them to find out how I could help. The same day, I got music from an unknown number on my phone. In the past, the only person I got music from (and the same kind) was from him. Then, all of a sudden, both of his friends wrote me that there was some misunderstanding and he didn’t ask for my help. I never emailed him, but the whole thing including the music, sure seemed like an indirect tease and taunt. I think he was “testing the waters” to see if I am still a source of attention for him. He is extremely attention seeking. I swear, when we were “friends”, my email system counted 450 emails from him in less than a month. I would have trouble responding to his 10+ emails a day, documenting his every move. Then as the problems started, near the end during the devalue stage, he wrote me one Saturday, “I can tell you right now that it is fruitless to send endless emails”. I hadn’t received a single one in almost a month by that time and the ones I did receive right before he stopped talking were all blaming me for his skin problems, his stress, and the fact that he no longer even listens to music anymore.

    After the discard, he somehow got my good friend “on his side”. She told me that the poor baby is not all that upbeat and that she feels sorry for him. I really didn’t know what to say.

    The only regret I have and it is a very deep one, is that I loved and I mean loved laughing at his most hysterical sense of humor. Like I said, he is Austrian, and with my Czech background, we had cultural similarities and values and his sense of humor was so 70s and kind of international that I’m sure he does not get the kind of reaction I gave him in the Bahamas. It is just very unique. I used to literally pee my pants laughing at his great “acting” job. He was so good at poking fun at different situations by “acting” out the roles of people in them.

    I think that the bottom line though is that I cannot be with a man who does not choose to treat me well. He is so capable of treating me very very well if he chooses to, but obviously, he will not “waste ” even one little email on me, at least not directly.

    I know this sounds bizarre, but I think of him as a shark. A shark really couldn’t care less if he injures a fish, and it is not personal. He is just a predator and that’s it! This guy was so weird at some level, telling me about reptile alien civilizations he had read about. He did have that “reptilian stare” and I always got the nagging feeling that I wasn’t physically “safe”around him, even though he never threatened any violence. I remember the first time he drove me to the airport in the Bahamas long before we got “close”. I remember keeping my elbow out of the window with the window down to make sure he couldn’t close the window from his side and “lock me in”. The first time he stayed at my house again before we became close,, I was already in bed in my bedroom and he was in the guest bedroom and I felt this nagging feeling to go get my purse which was downstairs. I took it upstairs and locked my bedroom door. I have NEVER done that with anyone else who stayed at my house.

    I think his humor and the cultural similarities “disarmed” me so I eventually felt totally “at home” and safe with him, but even from the beginning, he was always reactive to what he perceived as “insults” when they were truly NOT insults. He always said that if I don’t stop NOW, that he will walk away, which apparently WAS a threat, but I swear I was not insulting him in any way. I was expressing disagreement, not criticism. I think disagreement was a threat to his control over everything around him.

    I regret that I lost the very very nice man but I don’t want the sadistic scathing shark back. After the mask came off, I never saw the sweet man again. I guess I did really survive because I openly swam with a real shark and lived to tell about it. I did get a few of my fins bitten of, but they are growing back.

    I know this sounds nutty, but I DO believe in Prince Charming. I need really so very little from a man to be happy. I am so independent that kind treatment is really the jist of what I want. In this case, asking for kind treatment would be the equivalent of asking a shark to walk on land. Since Santa Claus will not be granting that wish, I think I’ll focus on watching the beautiful bluebirds fly over the rainbow instead. As the song says, “Why then, oh why can’t I ?” The great answer is

    I CAN ! :):):)

    This has been the absolutely the most bizarre situation that I have ever dealt with.

  7. Do sociopaths tend to have drug problems? I just ended a relationship with someone I believe is a sociopath. However, his family thinks he has a drug problem. I since found evidence of that. I was just talking to a friend of mine who said she knew someone from her past like my ex, but her friend had a drug problem. Either way, the relationship was unhealthy.

    1. Well having a drug problem is not on the checklist for sociopathy, no.

      But they do conduct in anti social behaviour. If I am honest, the behaviour is identical to behaviour I witnessed with long term drug users – (I worked with homeless for 27 years), so I worked with a lot of drug users, I found their behaviour identical to the sociopaths. Yet this sociopath didn’t use drugs. But he did follow identical patterns of behaviour…was very strange. I would often say to him, what is wrong with you, you are behaving like some of my clients who were long term heroin and crack cocaine users?

      It is either that those people I worked with were as well as drug users, they were aspd or sociopaths – its possible – or there is some correlation with it. I haven’t seen anything written about it, but I did observe it and commented on it many times with the sociopath who was in my life.

      1. I think sociopaths usually have some addiction problems.They do it to try to feel somewhat “normal” I believe. I lived with a sociopath for 8 plus years. He tried for the last 3 to find his new source of supply. I was not sure what was wrong with him, but did see through lots of lies — I knew on a certain level. Two weeks before he left I told him I thought he was having an affair… I came home one day to my front door open and him gone with my vehicle. Finally phoned the police ( was really scared of him getting an impaired charge in my vehicle which in Canada has HUGE reprecussions). From Thurs to Sat morning I had no idea where he or my vehicle were. Phoned police Friday night after going all day at work not knowing where he was or what was happening. As suspected they found him living with another woman who according to him “Was just his landlady” — LOL I knew better but boy did he lie, scramble and he “still loved me with all his heart” — Think he wanted to make sure she would keep him. Well that was not quite 1-1/2 yrs ago and now i have heard he is getting married to his “landlady”. She must look like a good source for awhile, but I know first-hand the pain upcoming for her. He kept up the guise with me until about July (from March onward) then when I told him I no longer wanted to see or speak to him, he got nasty and told me he no longer loved me — DUH. I still hurt and feel confused , but I must admit I know I am much better off without him. I just need to learn to trust again. My friends get tired of hearing about it, but I just don’t think they get what it is like to be mentally abused ( that is what it is for sure) and then discarded like you never meant anything (which to them you didn’t). When I heard he was getting married it made me feel like such a lot of my life wasted, and like I had never existed. I had not talked to him for 8 months period, then he showed up where I was and yelled at me not to talk to his mother (she has been diagnosed with liver cancer -terminal so I know my association will not be for many years) It was crazy , and it brought up a lot of stuff for me again , however to him I never showed I was upset. I kept totally together and ignored him until he left like he did not matter. I guess I am getting better 🙂

    2. Actually the answer is “yes”. Antisocial personality disordered persons tend to have addictions to drugs and/or alcohol- not all of them, but a LOT of them do.

      1. For the one I was with it was alcohol — somehow it makes them feel more normal — I don’t know that they worry about being normal as they have no feelings, but I also think in my experience he knew he wasn’t! Sounds weird, but then so was my relationship in the end

  8. Thanks so much for your blog. I would have lost my mind trying to figure out how my life imploded in the last six days if I hadn’t found your site. I thought I had met the perfect partner and was planning my wedding when his ex called. It wouldn’t have been such a big deal except that he had changed his phone number. When he tried to get out of the lie by calling her on speaker phone to ask how she got the number (expecting me to tell him to stop….I didn’t) she said that when she saw the area code and number on her caller ID that she figured it was him and was calling back……That’s when the wall of illusion started to crumble. His reactions to this were all abnormal. He had no defense except more transparent lies. Seeing nothing in his eyes but a glare of light and his concern only for what was going to happen to him were the beginning of my enlightenment that things were not as I had believed (he was the charismatic, loving, mirroring type). He stayed a few more days and it became apparent that he was incapable of honesty or empathy. After he left in the middle of the night I started my search on the internet to try to figure out what the hell I had gotten myself into. He fits your description of a sociopath to a T!! This information has helped me understand that I can’t look to him for answers and that I need to stay away from him and try to figure out how to heal from this…..I just feel so shitty inside and lost about how to move forward. His stuff is still at my house and because I am now afraid that if I make waves he will harm my reputation or worse, my pets. He made a comment 2 weeks ago about giving a bowl of anti-freeze to the dog of co-worker who bad mouthed him and now I think he meant it. He also told me that he was going to tell all of the residents at the apartment complex that I manage and reside that I am a crack-head (I’m not). How do I get him to get his stuff out of my house without setting him off? I really need it out of here so that I can cut off communication and try to heal but at this point he scares the shit out of me. Thanks again for your blog, it truly was a life saver for me. And thanks for letting me vent, I can’t talk about this to my family, friends or kids right now. I’m to humiliated.

    1. Hey Katy, no wonder you can relate so well to my posts. The last sociopath was the identical type. I experienced so much of what you say. An absolute identical pattern of behaviour. From saying in front of you (to deceive you) I will call this person NOW (hoping you will say no don’t).. to threats of what he is going to do, to smear YOUR reputation, I have had a delay with getting a support forum here, but have paid for an engineer to transfer it over. I hope within the next 5 days, I should have a support forum up and running I really do understand how you need to talk to people. How crazy things feel. And that confusion, of his behaviour, and just how NICE he was, how could it have all been fake? How could it have all been a lie…. there will be a support forum here… I just have to wait for it to be installed for me. It is really nice to meet you.

      As for getting his stuff out. Ah, that is a difficult one, because he will delay and stall for time (remember he loves to this as it gives him control). What i would do is

      Time frame it. Tell him he has to come and collect his belongings at whatever time and date, and if he doesn’t his belongings will be left outside.

      Dont budge on this, it is important that you take back control, otherwise he will keep stalling for time (mine went on and on about things he didn’t really want – just for control)..

      Either say get it by this time and date (that is not always great as it means he could show up at any time and cause a scene) or more preferable. Say – you need to collect at this time and date.

      Does he still have a key to your place? Go careful when you allow him back into your house. When it is over, they can get nasty and steal… (not always but they can).

      It is important that even if you are scared. Do not show this. Sociopaths are actually quite weak people. Really….. It is your house, and he has his things in there – so make sure that you tell him when he can collect it. Dont let him play games with you. And mean it. Put his stuff outside if he doesn’t collect it. Send him a warning that is what is going to happen and stick to it.

      As for the ruining part, there isn’t too much that you can do – as this turns into a battle of wars. Remember, he fears two things

      Losing control
      Fear of exposure

      There are two things that mean more than anything

      Being in control

      It’s nice to meet you!! 🙂

    2. Lol! Okay, none of this stuff is really funny, but when I read the threats on this comment, it made me laugh about damaging your reputation, because when I caught two of the SP’s in my life doing wrong here are some examples:

      My SP half brother left his computer screen to Craigslist open one night at the shop. I read a message he sent to a gay guy telling him the size of his penis and that they guy should come over so they could F!*#..Yet he always talked about how he could not stand gays.. Then when I told him that If he did not correct something bad he did to me that I could tell on him.. He told me that if I did that, then he was going to come to my neighborhood and tell all my neighbors we are or were having sex – seriously!! No joke!! And that he was going to apologize and let them all know how wrong it was! It made no sense, but that was the threat I got and I believe he would go through with it if I told anyone that knows us about his secret activity..

      The other SP, I recently had to detach from as I discovered his lies and deceit:
      When I told him how would the female police lieutenant he just bought a house with feel if she knew he had a secret life on the side with me and who knows how many others, as I surely did not know anything about her until after checking up on him to get information, he said, L don’t you think you’re pushing it”.. I knew that was a heavy threat! So, decided to stop contact.. He wanted me to get him in trouble at work for a long time now.. I did not understand why for so long.. Now, I get it.. He wanted to pull me into some sick game.. He wanted me to hold him hostage in the morning on numerous occasions giving me a work number to call and say he was not coming in and that always scared me.. Now, since I discovered he was seeing a female police lieutenant on his job it all makes sense now! What’s weird is how he suddenly bought a house with her in secret.. I am the enemy, now since I have obtained such private information! His last message to me was that he had to go to a meeting at work and he suspects there will be ramifications.. This was almost a week ago.. Have not heard from his since.. I was traumatized for days, now I am actually laughing at this moment! OMG! I am sure I will feel upset and disgusted againt in the next hour.. Such insanity! I don’t want to ever be played with, mentally abused or tricked like this again! It’s terrible…

  9. Hey i was just going to say if I start to feel sad about missing my Sociopath ex i just start thinking how much it freaks me out that I use to sleep next to a Sociopath all alone in our flat and if she was here now id actually feel scared to hell to sleep it actually helps me a lot these thoughts! Also recently ive started listening to this guy called Thomas Sheridan on youtube he has written a brilliant book in layman’s terms called “Puzzling People: the Labyrinth of the Psycopath (he calls a sociopath a Psycopath because its the original name and its the one term they dont like as it sounds evil) And he has like 20 videos on youtube explaining things its really good 🙂
    This website and his videos are the main things that have helped me!

    1. @Rob

      Thanks for the link… I checked his web site and there are really good articles there… I was just reading this one, really good… I related to it…

      I think I was lately over thinking and feeling negative consequences of over thinking…. well, next 10 days I am having a summer leave 🙂 , so I will have some rest, some positive activities…. yes, we have to read to educate ourselves, to understand what happened to us, but we also have to work on positive things too, positive activities ..that is very important that we don’t fall into depression thinking about sociopaths 🙂

      1. Sorry PG

        That was in relation to Rob’s post Re sleeping next to a SP.

        To be clear SP don’t pose a physical risk anymore than anyone else. In fact domestic abuse would ruin their ability to play the victim.

  10. No worries, he also has lots of radio interviews mainly with weird American stations. But I’ve found hearing someone’s voice talking about it is nice like another sign that’s it’s not me that is crazy. Still pretty up and down after two months though nowhere near as bad as I was. I’m now getting the problem that I’ve been on 2 different dates and they were nice girls but the dates didn’t excite me how it did with the sociopath silly I know, tricked me good! I fear it will be hard to “feel” the connection I thought I had with her fake persona!

    1. Also probably good for you that it is a guy too. I have just watched a couple of videos. Good stuff. Pretty much where my thinking comes from too. I like 🙂

    2. I do understand what you mean, they suck you in becoming the perfect image of you. It can take a while to get trust back again. I have to be honest, I am still not there yet, in terms of fully trusting.

  11. Glad you like it he seems to talk simular to how you write ish. Both really good make such sense and is easy to follow. Hmm I think when I next go out with someone it will be very hard to trust them even say if i went to stay at my parents id be worried she had a guy round silly really. But at this stage I meant more of im worried its going to be hard to feel a connection or get a spark with them, my ex was a master at this the first few dates seemed so great its all so depressing ha, a sociopath seems so great at the start in some sick way everything else is so regular which I know is great really! 🙂

  12. I have just been discarded by my former Sociopath boyfriend. I found your website and I am very grateful to find peace through your blogposts and other victims who have shared similar stories. My Spath bf lives 12 hours away from me, and when he was here last year visiting family, we went together to a local museum. Please keep in mind that this man is someone I have been friends with all my life. I had loved him as a friend, and the trust was already there. I had no reason to believe otherwise when he suggested marriage. The moments we were together is nothing short of magic. I was swept off my feet and the love I have for him as a friend transferred to loving him as a man. He seduced me into having sex. He pretended that he wanted to be my husband because he knew I am waiting for the right man for marriage. He did mirror me with the fact that I work two jobs to help me while I am starting a business. He also worked two jobs and we found common ground and interest. How refreshing it was to find someone who understood me and accepted me for who I am, and yes I felt loved for the first time in a long time. It all came crashing down this past April when I refused to stay with him at the hotel on his next visit this summer. He wanted sex, and I refused because I am a Christian and wish to wait for marriage for that part of the relationship. I explained this to him all year on our phone visits. After that, he did not call and we did not communicate until June when he came to visit. I was nervous, but he acted like nothing happened between us when we met among friends at a class reunion. A couple of weeks later he called and said he was moving on bc he felt he needed someone with more sexual experience, and he implied he was just using me for his own physical needs last year. I was crushed. Why would he ruin a perfectly good relationship as friends like this? I am trying to get past this and my heart is sorely broken. I have lost my sense of trust and felt like the whole relationship is a lie. We have not contacted each other in over three weeks. I refuse to call him. I found his profile on Plenty Of Fish. In our last phone conversation I told him he is welcome to find someone better than me. My heart is broken. I hope and pray he does not try to contact me again. I also hope that the woman he tries to date is smarter than me and run like everything to get away from him.

  13. Worthless cannot even describe what I felt whats worst than worthless because that’s what I felt..I was involved with one and let me tell you after all this pain and humiliation I am happy to finally start to put my life back together..I never want to experience anything like this again believe me next time I see a hint of it in any potential suitors, I am running this way>>>>>>>>>>>

  14. I wish I found this blog months ago. It’s been over a year know that I stopped dating my ex. After a year of dating and him living with me in my apartment, he put my son and myself out of his home. Never in a million years did I think this would happen. We were suppose to get married once I moved in with him, and instead he put me out on the street with no explanations. I thought I as going to lose my mind, this is the same person who promised to make me happy just a month earlier. I thought I was getting over it until I found out that he recently got married and I went back to asking myself crazy questions again. I wondered ,why not me? Did he ever love me? I can’t really talk about this to anyone else because they think I should b over this by now. They don’t understand how I feel, I’m humiliated and emotionally hurt. I still love this man and I don’t know why. I don’t have any communication with him by choice, but a part of me still hurts because, I never got closure. Hopefully this blog will help we with all the questions, and will not feel so alone:-(

    1. Hi S&D
      I too am out of a relationship for apprx 1-1/2 yrs — it still hurts because you are right — there is no closure. Mine has just or is soon (not sure which as no contact) married someone else( she was the other woman at one point) But unlike you I don’t feel why not me — I feel very lucky I dodged a bullet. I loved him a lot too at one time, but knew my life would never have been good with him.
      I have felt unable to go forward and find a relationship, but that is just trust issues and a lot of rawness from a relationship of over 8 years ended so badly. However he did give me a chance to go forward to a better life , one where I am not lied to, used and berated for things I really did not do.
      I hope you can come to the point also where you don’t say why not me but feel happy someone else has taken their interest off of you.
      Stay strong — it gets better and better. Think of it as a soft tissue injury — a long time to heal even though no one else can see it! Our soft tissue is our heart and because of the abuse our minds.

  15. I’m glad I found this site. It helps explain what I’m feeling. I try to talk to my friends I don’t believe they understand how much I’m struggling. I’m not upset because he is gone, just that the person I was with for 4 years wasn’t real. I feel duped. I’m in therapy I’m trying to love myself, that has been a problem for years, I’ve always put other people first. I guess that is why a sociopath would be attracted to me.

    I feel desperate at times I want to fill the hole in my life, I keep telling myself I can’t, I need to be whole first, that is how I got involved with my sociopath in the 1st place. I was trying to fill the big gaping hole my divorce left. I let the loser move in with me after 3 months, I thought I had finally found “the one”. He kept telling me I was his “one and only” nice right? I believed every far fetched lie this bozo told me. Deep down I didn’t trust him, I kept trying, thinking things would change. He actually got a better job while he was with me, as soon as he got it I told him I was afraid he wouldn’t want to be with me anymore, 10 months later it was a reality. I knew along who he was I denied it to myself. I kept thinking “do his actions match his words” they didn’t most of the time, that is what started me questioning things. I’m trying to pick up the pieces now, he has found another victim. I want everyone to know after he moved out I did get all the money he owed me, my car fixed after he damaged it and my house fixed after he damaged that too. He also made the mistake of telling me if there were any other things I wanted fixed on my house to let him know I had a long list. After he was done and he had the rest of his stuff packed up I told him I knew about his girlfriend, which he told me he didn’t start dating until recently- I told him I knew he was dating her when he was living with me. He denied if of course then I listed all the facts, he had nothing to say. He left that day and I have had no contact until recently when he had some things delivered to my house I’m assuming by accident. I text him, I told him to pick his stuff up at my neighbors and to change the address. If more crap shows up it’s going in the garbage. I un-friended him and all his family & friends on facebook about a month ago, I’m trying to move on. I keep asking god to help me find peace.

  16. His motivation for paying me, fixing etc. was his friend is my neighbor, he doesn’t want to look like a douche bag in front of him. He works with him. I do understand that things could have been a lot worse, I got lucky I’m sure he could have done some real financial damage to me.

  17. I wrote this poem today for my first love who fullfilled all of the criteria of a sociopath. She was very female and everyone was drawn to her. I truly doubt that I was the only victim of her charms….

    I don’t understand how a person like that has led such a charmed life, as she takes what she likes.

    It was always that way, up ’til this very day. Pleasantly humming as she get away. After al she has done, a conscience she has none. And she’ll never be sorry because she is empty.

    The void will grow stronger, the will grow longer and little roseashes will burn her own bridge.

  18. I wrote this poem today for my first love who fullfilled all of the criteria of a sociopath. She was very female and everyone was drawn to her. I truly doubt that I was the only victim of her charms….

    I don’t understand how a person like that has led such a charmed life, as she takes what she likes.

    It was always that way, up ’til this very day. Pleasantly humming as she gets away. After all she has done, a conscience she has none. And she’ll never be sorry because she is empty.

    The void will grow stronger, the days will grow longer and little roseashes will burn her own bridge.

  19. thank you all so much. have just signed separation papers with my sociopath husband of nearly 9 years, and our story is an echo of all of these. I would have felt i was going crazy myself if not for all your stories. Now i have a new level of friendship with his first wife (a lovely lady) and our stories are so similar… right down to the fear of him stealing selling our engagement rings (he did sell hers, i am still wearing mine). He just turned on a dime, one moment telling me he loved me and would do anything to keep our family together, to just weeks later taking a holiday with his girlfriend, lying all the time. Fool got lazy though, i found him out and he didn’t even bother to deny it.
    Most painfully though, with the laws in our country, he was able to strip out half of everything i owned… left me with my house deposit, only “because he was such a good guy” but its cost me over $160k to get him out of my life. Now i just fear for my son, as he is insisting on shared care custody and here in NZ its very hard to fight that.
    Any advise for kids caught in the crossfire?

    1. It is difficult with children Dolly. As they are likely to play games. Use the child as a weapon. But — often they get tired of responsibility. I did write a post about co-parenting you can find it on the right hand menu. Welcome to the site 🙂

  20. I’m ready. NO CONTACT IN FULL EFFECT AND HEALING. Boy what a roller coaster ride. Still feeling confused and hurt, but trouble don’t last always. Do the sociopath contact his victim if the victim has exposed him? Please respond.

  21. Thanks for this. I just got discarded by a sociopathic boyfriend of 1 and half years. I found out he had a gf for 3 and half years and half the time he was cheating on her with me. I exposed him, he discarded me cruelly told me who are you? I’m a player. Very arrogant, cold, no remorse. He refused to give me a sorry or anything pretty much stonewalled me. I’m still bewildered. But these people are so inhuman I’m not shocked either.

  22. It has just dawned on me that my boyfriend of 2.5 years maybe a sociopath…is it possible he is really just in love with me and is the jealous type and loves bring in a ‘bubble’ with me? He has never been violent but is charming, he does lie and does not trust me but does such kind things for me? I left my husband for him I also have two young children I left my husband after knowing him 10 days…I thought it was love at first sight…it still feels line we are on holiday but some things don’t feel right, I know he tries to manipulate me and dint my esteem but I see through it and think I am strong….although I have not seen many of my closest friends in two years…he is divorced but was married for more than ten years, his ex wife once got in touch to say he has no heart only a swinging brick…I feel sick to my stomach, the thought of being alone of what i have done to my ex husband and children is the worst, can it be in just over reacting? Surely not everyone with ‘trust’ issues is condemned to lie and leave? Help, advice. Anything really, i feel scared and alone. I miss him too, we don’t live together (difficult with diff in ages of my kids and his child) but after an argument about his sexual past (ive become obsessed with who he has spent time with twenty years ago)…not like me i promise, I came home and thought about things typed a few things into google and within one minute felt sick as i read 18 ways to tell if your boyfriend is a sp. Ok he doesn’t hit all 18 but some made me blush with embarrassment thinking I have been such a fool….

  23. Thank you, year later and I am still confused and traumatised! I still cry almost every day while my x ha skipped off in to the sunset with loads of friends and a new girlfriend! I feel like such a bad person for everyone to stop talking to me and hate me for leaving him! No one believed me when I told them how he was treating me! I know now he was probably talking bad about me behind my back to have everyone on his side! I have no friends and had to leave a country to break free of my toxic relationship! I have so much guilt over leaving! Should I have stayed to help him! Did I make a mistake ad destroy my life forever?

    1. Hi Orla, welcome to the site!

      I am so sorry to read that you are still in pain a year later. It hurts huh when not only were you betrayed by the man that you loved, but also betrayed by those that you loved as your friends.

      You are probably right he was talking bad about you. BUT whilst people get into gossip at first – they soon tire of it.

      Those people who were your REAL friends they would still listen to you and have no need for explainations.

      No you shouldn’t have stayed to help him!!! NO WAY!!!! Look at how he has treated you? He had someone who is thinking this way after all the pain he has put you through and you are still thinking of his needs?

      No… there are no real mistakes in life. You left for a reason. Can you write down all of the reasons WHY you left. To remind you. Write down everything that he was doing to do. It might bring up some things that will make you feel sad – but – it should help to remind you.

      Please do not doubt your decision. Whilst it might feel like the universe is punishing you for leaving (because you think his life is great and yours is bad) – it is not this way….. you will go on to do greater and bigger things with your life. You left because he was treating you bad.

      Maybe you haven’t yet moved on because you are still stuck – beating yourself up and blaming yourself. What has happened is not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself.

      Tomorrow is a new day. Make tomorrow the first day the start of your new life. Have you watched the film the secret? …. if you haven’t you should do…. this is the first 20 mins. It explains how you ARE what you THINK…. so if you think negative you will attract more negative towards you. So it is important for you to focus on positive and what you WANT not focusing on what you have lost (or you will attract more loss back towards you)

      This is the first 20 mins to give you some idea… try to watch the whole film. A year is a long time to sped in grief and to not move on with your life. It is time for you to start living your life. To celebrate your life and not live in regret for past actions….

  24. Thank you this helped so much I am being discarded for the final time and it hurts so bad I know for sure he wouldn’t give me closure cause he doesn’t care but I’m staying strong and moving on just Like he doing moving on too a next victim without Caring about me it was always what he can get from me anyway so it’s not much to miss and never really was I’m still hurt especially the way he left right after using me he finally decided to focus fully on his next target and I know he playing putting charm promising a relationship like he did with me . I can honestly say this is my first time in 7 months having peace and finally being able to think instead of thinking about him constantly always making me feel uneasy . I am recovering and it’s gonna take time I never knew people like this existed until it happened to me . Hopefully I can emotionally recover I soon will get a health check no telling what he has sense he probably has played million woman before being with me. Any one out there I hope you recover and please don’t let this one sick person effect how you view everybody it’s alot of people like you and me out here just learn from this experience and run when you meet someone like this again. And appreciate the normal people that love you even more ..

  25. Boy was this the article for me to read this am. Two years and of I now know sexual abuse, verbal and mental abuse and financial abuse ($6000.) I see now full the SOC in my life saw it coming to an end. I was fighting with him about my treatment and wouldn’t give him money. So when I went on a tangen telling him how I felt he was done.
    All he wants is sex and money. I need to get back my dignity. Four weeks ago today we ended for the third time. I have broken no contact three times I am ashamed to say. I actually apologized and told him I was sorry. That I still care and he knows where I am. Can you believe it? I called him and he put it to voicemail . I know he is most likely seeing other people and to the hell with what he did to me and all the money he owes me.
    Up until last night I wanted him to come back. This am I realized it was awful what was done to me, but even more awful that I wanted more. The SOC knows I am there. He thinks he can come back at anytime. But NO I cannot and will not tolerate it. I am his go to girl for sex and money how nice is that? I realize I am a game to him and that is why he is completely silent with me. So he can just pop back in when he wants, and he feels I will be so desperate I will take him back. I HAVE to take back my dignity and heal. I came face to face with a monster. Thank you again for this informative and supportive place. Thank you.

    1. Hey Heather. You are progressing in the right direction. I know it hurts but at least you can see the truth. As the truth will set you free. How are you feeling today? Just rremember it was abuse. He created dependency and addiction you have to value yourself. You are worth more than to be abused. You know I can see changes in you in 24 hours!! 🙂

      1. Thank-you. But I demeaned myself horribly I broke no contact again last night. He would not reply. I am begging for contact with my abuser! I made a idiot of myself. So at that point I made the realization I have lost all of my dignity and must get it back. He doesn’t want or need from me right now so he doesn’t want to be bothered. Wow . I have a friend who is mad at me now and won’t speak to me for me doing this. So I have to take what I have left and stand firm. The person I gave so much to and who abused me I was basically begging for more. He ignored me. SO I will pick myself up and when he does contact me again down the road, he will get a suprise because I blocked his number. I was so confused I was wondering why he doesn’t block my number. Then it hits me I am a future recourse or tool for him. That is all I ever was. Sad reality, but truth.

    2. Do not be ashamed. Or try not to. We have all been abused. It is about getting your strength back for you. Believe me you will need it when he comes back. And I believe he will. He will come back to abuse you. If you allow him to. You need to work on strengthening you to stop this. As your father said only you can stop this.

      1. You are so right. He is playing a game with me right now. He sent my call to voice mail . I made a jerk out of myself . Like I said I am a tool or a resource to him. I humiliated myself last night for the last time. Can you imagine what goes thru that sicko’s mind? He thinks this girl is coming back for more and probably laughs. NO MORE.

      2. In four weeks I broke no contact 3 times. I contacted the person who used and abused me and he ignored me. I look like a even bigger fool then he already made of me. I WILL NOT do it anymore. I am just a resource for sex and money and someone to take his aggression and unhappiness out on.

      3. At least you are accepting the truth. It’s better than the delusion I love you I miss you. Whilst ignoring all the bad. I know this is hurting now is the time to write your list why you are better off without him. Do it now whilst you are angry. This piece of paper will help keep you strong when you are feeling deluded in the future or if he tries to come back.

      4. Can you believe I told him I miss him and that he knows where I am??!! It dumbfounded me now that I did that. I am a bother to him right now. I kept a roof over his head , protected him from wage garnishments and he abused me horribly and I actually told him that. I think he hates me in a way because I have called him out on things. But he still got from me. He told me I made him feel less of a man for reminding him of all I did for him. He even masked me in a dating profile saying he was looking for a girl on the crazy side. He always called me that. He is one big facade. I am suprised he never blocked my number if he didn’t want to talk to me. My friend says he is keeping that reseource open. I have been so duped. I need to get my dignity back. I feel he will be back when I least expect it. I have to find myself. He does not define me. I was just a game and you are right he was addicted to sexually abusing me. Truth

      5. No it rang three time. I mean he declined the call. I know when you block it goes straight to voice mail.

      6. He knows I get infuriated by silence he used to do that to me for a couple days at a time. I am just one big game and a therapist told me it is a game of control. He holds the ball in his court . He feels. What a sick jerk. I made a fool of myself once again with him. But NO MORE. Btw, my only two friends left are barely having anything to do with me 😦 while he has his fun little social life and broke me down.

      7. Yes I told her everything . She said emotional, verbal, financial and sexual abuse. Do these people enjoy abusing? I believe he enjoyed doing that to me. Like it was fun and control.

      8. And I basically have asked for it. But no contact on his end. He probably expects me to keep contacting him. But I CANNOT and WILL NOT.

      9. Well no as that would be to insinuate that this is your fault. It’s not. You never asked to be abused. I doubt you wanted that. You just wanted to be loved. He exploited that want and need to be loved. If you a’re contacting him saying you are hurting and he doesn’t respond. He doesn’t feel anything whatever he said he felt was fake and a lie.

      10. Yes I told him I felt none of it was ever real. I pathetically told him that I really loved him and gave him my all. I told him it hurts that he ignores me. I also said that I missed him and disgustingly and regretfully that he knows where I am… UGH

      11. Heather it is not pathetic to love with all of your heart. This is not a weakness. Your weakness is allowing someone to abuse you when you are worth so so much more!!!

      12. Yes the SOC always told me I have a big heart and that he doesn’t and could never be like I am or do all I do

      13. Don’t you think out there is a wonderful man who is looking for a warm hearted kind woman just like you? But the right man cannot get in if the wrong man is in the way.

      14. Yes…he holds me up. But I don’t holy him up. He just does what he does and what he did to me meant nothing. It is my cross to bare. I cannot even think of anyone right now.

      15. You need time to heal and recover after abuse. At least you are seeing it for what it is. Abuse. When you say you miss him. Change that statement and say I miss being abused. It should help to empower you. Next step is finding your inner you. Confidence and self esteem.

      16. Yes I guess I can’t believe there are such horrible people out there. I wasted so much time, myself, my kids time and so much money. It is what it is. He is just deplorable.

      17. Anger is good as long as you don’t stay in anger forever. Use this time to get your thoughts down onto paper. This will be your friend and your reality check In the future

      18. It was always was always what I did wrong. Somehow I think he is done with me. It is hard to imagine bc he always came back. But it is done anyways

      19. It’s an addiction like you said . Addiction to the fake happy times. To what he pretended to be initially. I know it is not real. My friend says he will be back and is afraid for me.

      20. I need your opinions. Like all of us I suffered abuse. All facets except for physical. All my mother cares about is the money I lost . I was with my ex two years with two previous break ups. We are on our third break up, almost 5 weeks. Some of the treatment I endured was deplorable. Today has been a hard day. Weepy etc. My mother told me to let it go already and that I am obsessed with it. She blaimed me for the abuse bc she thinks I lead him to think I had more than I do . All she cares about is the money. My own Psych said I am suffering from PTSD due to this. My mom says enough is enough. That I am
        obsessed. Mind you she has been married to my Dad 40 years and has never had to deal with anything like this before. She avoids dealings with me now and isolates me. Any suggestions ?

      21. Hi Heather, I understand that it must be hurtful that your mother doesn’t understand. It is impossible for others to ‘get it’ unless you have been there. Sociopaths are so complicated and so very complex, that it is difficult to understand. What is important is that you focus on your own reality, not your mothers or anybody elses. It is difficult to explain ‘crazy’ without looking crazy yourself. As most people in their right minds, would think why are you sad? It sounds awful. We know that it is more complex than this. When is your next session with your therapist? You have to let go. Want to let go. I suspect that right now, you are still holding on, and hoping that he will contact you? Have you tried to make any further contact with him?

      22. I do not have another therapy session right now. No babysitter and my parents won’t help. I have not made contact . He will contact me again pos, last time he waited three months . Just as I was doing great he comes back. The time before was 7 weeks. It has been 5. I angry at my mother. She is so cruel . She told me if it weren’t for my kids she would move far away. Nothing like kicking somebody while they are down.

      23. I would be lying if I didn’t say I wanted him to contacf me. It got so bad before though , I can only imagine how it could be .

      24. He doesn’t seem like the person I thought he once was. I know for the sake of my life and my kids lives I cannot be involved with him again. I would feel like the one with the power.

      25. Well this is good. This is progress. So you have to ask yourself why you would want to hear from him? I am not meaning to be hard. I am trying to help you. But until you want to let go. Nothing will change you have to want to. And If you want him to contact you….

      26. I guess it’s because I hate to say I am used to the crazy cycle. I despise it, but am used to it. That being said, I cannot do it again for my children’s sark and my sake . Him contacting me will just be problems. But I can break the cycle . I suppose if I let go before he contacts me it will be much easier when he does right?

      27. I have the choice, I can break the pattern…and I have to. For my own sanity I will not do this any more. I am just a game to him. But I can decide not to play. It’s at a critical point in all of this and no more.

      28. I have the choice, I can break the pattern…and I have to. For my own sanity I will not do this any more. I am just a game to him. But I can decide not to play. It’s at a critical point in all of this and no more.

        Those are your words heather. Write them down. This is a great positive affirmation. Yes you might get down days when you are desperate to speak to him, everyone gets those days (well a lot of people do).

        But – really is it really worth it. You know that the cycle of abuse will just continue. i can promise you it will get worse – not better. There will be no improvement. It will only get worse over time. Use this time whilst he is away to escape. And its his own fault. Its far far easier to escape like this than it is when you are living with someone!!

      29. I am going to write it down. I have read that while they are away to use the time to get out of that fog, and get healthy as possible. So he doesn’t realize he is really doing me a favor right now, as I am still weak but getting stronger everyday.

      30. So I have to use this time wisely. He is used to the Heather who is in school, living on child support and alimony. He doesn’t know I am working again and gaining my self confidence back. He expects to come back to the same needy, ready to please Heather. Not anymore.

      31. I hope I didn’t post this already. I have to use this time wisely. He is used to me being in school, living on child support and alimony. He does not know I am working now. Building up my self confidence . He thinks he will come back to the same needy Heather as he has twice before.

      32. @Heather, one day I picked my mother up from work, I desperately needed her support, (I am her oldest daughter for Christ’s sakes). Going through this horrid divorce with a cheater, liar, thief of money, hopes and dreams. My very own mother turned at me while we driving down a very busy freeway in CA, and said to me, “If you had been a BETTER WIFE you know HE wouldn’t be leaving you”!! OMG! Took everything I had not to pull over and kick her out of my car! We haven’t spoke since 7/08, she thinks my ex is so great. We have no reason to talk, there is more to the story. I have no reason to be around people who are non supportive of me.

      33. Whenever we made up it provided a false sense of security . Like just momentary. I know it doesn’t last long . I also know that each reconciliation will only get worse . So I HAVE to make that choice. But I feel like he has the power right now. Bc he does.

      34. Thank you. Why do you think people I talk too tell me he is still playing a game with me ? Does that make sense ? I’m confused.

      35. How does it make you feel when people say that to you? You know that I tell you, and other people on this site, that he is playing a game. Life is a game to sociopaths, and other people are players in the game.

        HOWEVER – don’t feel too badly about this. it is not personal. He is now playing the game with other people. He will always be playing a game. It is who he is, how he thinks.

        But again… you are focusing your energy onto him, and what he thinks. What he thinks, is of himself. Of his own needs, and how to get what he wants. That is all he thinks of. He doesn’t think that much past that point.

      36. I will be honest with you. Awful. Bc he may not be playing the game with me right now. But he ALWAYS considers me a game piece. Bc he comes back when he is hungry basically. Hungry for sex where he rules and dictates how it goes with me. Also when he needs money. I made it so easy for him. Like a dummy. He is a bus driver and has two weeks without work, he was concerned about that. I hate to say that is when he is going to want to play the game with me again. Awful isn’t it?

      37. At least you are waking up to the truth. I know how painful that truth is to accept. It can take a long time to get to acceptance. (remember the post 5 stages of grief and the healing process)…. Just see that your decisions. You make for you. You don’t need any one elses permission. And what he thinks with his disordered head is not important. I do think that professional help could really help to support you through this process.

      38. Why do I feel like I need him? Why do I feel that I need him to consume my mind? Ok this may sound crazy, but I still can’t get past the fact that for two years we were together ( with two previous break ups,) and that I can’t even cross him mind. But the truth is until he needs something from me I won’t matter to him . I am just a source or a tool. It is sad, because I actually cry over him.

      39. I know we all have been hurt tremendously here. You mention me and professional help. I know I mentioned my Psych. says I have PTSD from him . Do you feel I am really damaged? Sometimes I just start crying out of the blue. I can’t stand hearing certain songs, my bedroom reminds me of him , I can eat certain foods anymore. I hated the disgusting and vile things he would say. It made me feel yucky. It was so vile. These things run thru my head . They make me remember how I compromised myself . He constantly needed . This bill wasn’t paid etc. I would help him, but I was the one who expected too much . Now I am damaged and he goes on like nothing until he needs me again. Like a toy a kid forgets about until they need entertainment from it . Thank you all for your support . I never knew when I met him two years ago, the guy with the endearing smile what a nightmare he would be .

      40. I slightly edited your comment for your own protection Heather. You know, I think that for a while EVERYBODY is damaged, as they do things to play with your mind and you feel damaged being with them. However, this doesn’t mean that you are damaged forever. I just think that you might benefit from someone helping you. I think from what you are saying that you are struggling with trust and support. I think that a professional would be somebody that (hopefully you could trust). That could help you to work through everything that has happened to you.

      41. When you tell yourself, he is playing a game, he will be back. There is a risk that you take that you will keep your life on hold in the frozen zone.

        Just waiting for him to take the next step and the next action, for him to guide your life. This is living in his zone of fear and control. He has no power over you. he never did really, he just brainwashed you to think that he did. Remember I said to you yesterday, this is YOUR life and you have the power and control to just say NO MORE. He can play games. So can you. It is your life, more valuable and more worthy of being made into a game. You are not a pawn for him. You are your own person. I know that your confidence has been smashed, as has your self esteem. He will not help to build your confidence or your self esteem. You see, only you can do that….

        The magic of you -is within you. Happiness, the secret of true happiness, comes from within. Nobody else can make you happy. Plenty of people can make you sad, especially if you base your happiness on them. If you put your life in someone elses hands. You can take back that power, and take control of your life.

        It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks> It is what you think that is important. It is how you feel that is important. Don’t waste your life on anybody who makes you feel bad, and doesnt help to bring out the best in you.

      42. What I am saying is why can you not take the step to block him. Right now he has the decisions and the control in his hands. You can take back this control of your own life. If…… You want to.

      43. Oh he is blocked. No texts can come thru. If he is to call my # it would go right to voice mail . That is how my phone blocks .

      44. But you said that you wanted to hear from him? Do you think this is true? Or do you think that it is more likely that what you really want is for your pain to go away?

      45. Oh part of me wants the pain to go away desperately. But all he will do is tell me lies to get what he wants. Been thru it twice before. I think I feel a loss of control right now in the situation. But in actuality I never had the control. He always has. I know that now .

      46. Also, I am sorry that you are hurting right now. You know when you really let go, and you make the decision, rather than being forced to let go as he chose to leave, it will still hurt. Just not as much. Holding on, can cause so much intense pain. I hope that you have managed to keep to no contact.

      47. I forced him to leave by telling him all he was doing to me. We always end turbulently. Ok, so I let go, but I as well as other know he will be back. It’s not wishful thinking it’s true.

      48. You can make the choice not to let him back. I know that before he has always returned. You know you can change this pattern by refusing to allow him to come back.

      49. I know it is in my hands. I can make this entire thing be finished. I do know that he returning will just be for sex and money. That he only does what he has to, to get what he wants. I want the final say in this. I have always let him come back. But I CANNOT. The pain has been so great and NEVER can do this again.

      50. The choice is yours. He calls, you have his number on block. He shows up at your house don’t answer the door. Social media and email block him. That way he can’t come back. He can’t dictate your life to you. You can make the choice not to allow him to come back this time. Perhaps this time the person to change this pattern will be you.

      51. YES!!! I have to change the pattern. He will not as I am just a source for him. I cannot do this anymore. You are exactly right I HAVE to change the pattern, because I believe his pattern will be the same.

      52. In response also to the comment regarding someone’s mother and her divorce. That is awful. My mother also throws things in my face. I was not abused by my ex husband. I did end my marriage as it lacked any kind of affection. My mother told me last night that I destroyed my marriage and ruined my kids lives. She really knows how to do it to me. I’m sorry that happened to you.

        On another note, I did something I shouldn’t have done. I looked on my ex’s FB page via my sister’s account. It scared me. In it he is sitting in his school bus with his favorite football team gear and sunglasses. A correlation. He normally does not have pics of himself on his profile pic. Whenever we are broken up he puts a pic of himself up on there. Looking really happy. Is it me or is there a correlation? I read somewhere they like to look like everything is great for them. Yes I know I shouldn’t be looking. I feel like he does this purposely. One thing I have not done is blocked him on my Linkedin account. He is still on there, Is he aware of this do you think? I believe he is keeping tabs on me in any way. I do not have activity on there.

        I feel very strange. I feel like the person I loved and tried so hard for is a totally different person. Which he is. He took and took and took from me, and I TRULY believe he will til there in nothing left of me. Am I right to think that way? At the same time, I have friends who do not care to listen to this anymore after two years and have backed away from me. I really have no one.

        Then there is my mother who I feel thinks I deserved what happened to me. She told me yesterday if it weren’t for my kids her and my dad would leave this area and not care what happened to me. How awful. I know its my kids she cares about. She continuously is cruel to me. My ex (soc) is right, my own mother doesn’t even care for me. I am in the exact situation he would want me in with no one. He knows loneliness is my biggest downfall.

        Its sad but he, a fake, a sociopath, my abuser was my best friend and he knows this. Now he acts like he is so happy go lucky with a FB profile pic while I know he knows (and doesn’t care) what I am going thru. He knew each time what I was going thru. Just came back like nothing and I would take him back. NOT ANYMORE.

        Just getting it from every direction. Thank you all so much. You are my only life line. xoxo


      53. I know it may seem like, when you really have no one, someone sub par who treats you badly is better than nothing. It isn’t. You are okay by yourself. You are. I can see you second-guessing yourself through your thoughts and discussion here, and it is no wonder with your own mother telling you you need to question your judgement. I did this for many years as well, until I realized it was her who needed to question her judgement. I backed away, unsupported.

        You will be able to figure it out—it will actually make you stronger and more confident in dealing with your ex soc and others as well. You do deserve better than this guy. You didn’t ruin your kids. And, if you decided to leave your marriage, that is YOUR business. You don’t need her approval for that. I strongly encourage you to stop looking for support and encouragement from a dried turnip. If you are allowing your mother to financially support you in any way, figure out how to stop that and take on your independence.

        That will empower you for the next healthy move of your life, which is to tell your mother, while you love her, definitely want your children to have relationship with her, her comments about your personal life are no longer welcome and it’s something you can no longer discuss with her.

        Ill treatment is not better than nothing, Heather, it does additional damage we have to work out later. Just leave her opinions where you found them—with her—you don’t have to own them or even be effected by them.

      54. I am so sorry to hear that you have to hear these words from your mother. However, what I don’t want you to do, is because your mother is clearly treating you wrong. And sounds at least verbally abusive. Please don’t play good cop bad cop. This doesn’t make your socio ex good.

      55. This is why I dislike social media, anyone can make photo shop him/herself into a 25 year old MODEL! Only those in their inner circle know they look like a middle age train wreck! Further more, when you are at the bottom of the barrel, especially with children. You have to maintain your mental health, strength and clarity for THEM. I don’t remember you stating how old they are. If you have therapist appointments, take then with you, and say “look I have no day care but I need help, so I will talk fast, promise”. My nutty nutty coocoo dr (psych) is uptight as hell, (this was years ago), my little ones tore up his waiting room in 15 mins, ugh I had to fix it. But I got what I needed, and left. Does he still make fun of me, YES. Thank god he didn’t charge me double. I could barley afford his going rate. As far as family, or betrayers, you can’t control how everyone else feels, just you. The NS, want you all to themselves, which is why they have isolated you to “their people”. You are currently his only source of information, change everything, cut out what they can see about you, or hear about you. Find your own support system. At one point in my life the only 2 people I saw, Was once on a week my therapist and once a month my psychologist. If not in the physical, you always have us, 😍! You have the ability, will it be easy, no. Yes, it be lonely at times. But only you know what is best for you!!

      56. Yes, I have one very definitive suggestion: stop talking to your mother about it, entirely. She will never get it and, if she can’t be a supportive counterpart for you, you don’t need her for this. You are here, desperately cycling because you are fighting to process what has happened to you so you can get some relief. This is where you should be.

        I don’t recall whether you have a therapist yet? If not, I also recommend that. They will no doubt be able to help you tie back some of your sufferings to your earlier beginnings, including with family.

        I also recommend related books. I don’t want to give you titles that worked for me because I’ve already come to understand this journey is different for everyone. But I highly recommend that you begin to seek out used books on Amazon or at the library on the related abuse topics that most speak to how you are viewing your situation. Why? Because it will give you a focus in an alternative direction, and it will be calming. It may also give you the answers you seek (it did for me). It’s easy to say “focus on yourself, not on him” but it’s hard to do that without some worthwhile, planned preoccupations that give you some direction. The answers are out there for you, even if it doesn’t feel like it—you just have to go after them.

  26. This helped me ALOT! When i think about our 2 weeks of talking via social network before meeting i realize all the questions were profiling me. When I first met with this woman she was perfect, I mean everything she said and did made me realize how did I live my life without her. She made me feel as though I pulled her life out of the dumps and made a safe, secure & stable life for her and her children. I knew i was a Man but That made me feel even more like a man. She tried to get me to move in within the first 3 weeks of us first meeting in person. I kept saying no, and when she finally asked me why I told her I don’t play house and I wont move in with anyone until I am ready to get married. Then she bought a ring … gave it to me and said no rush Joseph, when ever your ready I just want you to know I am ready to be your wife this was 2 months in. I thought about this for a week and could find NO reason not to go through with it because she was all I ever wanted. after 3 months of being engaged we finally found the “perfect” house to raise our “perfect” family This was November 2013. The first month was magical, breakfast everyday before work, dinner on the table when I got home from work, laundry done every day and folded. She didn’t work that first month at all and kept saying how she loved just being home and not having to have to work. I paid for everything. Towards the middle of Dec.. we had the talk about How she needed to get back to work soon so we could have a “non struggling & happy” home situation with all the bills/rent being paid. That’s when I started to see things change. Towards the middle of December. She started to turn the charm back on and I didn’t understand why such the flip, everything was good but it was like “honeymoon stage” all over again. re boosted my energy and I was all in again. That’s when she asked me to link my personal bank acct, I said no, she asked to let me do my taxes ..I said no, then I told her all my savings was gone on Jan 1st. ( I lied but I was starting to get weird feelings about the situation) so from mid of Dec. to Jan 1st. (2 weeks) she started pulling away, wouldn’t come to bed, on her ipad all night. Claiming she was having major stomach issues, female issues. so I felt sympathetic for her and was hoping it would all get better soon. I paid Jan’s rent on Saturday Jan 4th. She had it planned that when I went to work on Jan 6th they were going to move my stuff out to a storage unit that she rented on Jan 2nd. before I paid rent. I Was sick that day and she lied and told me she called off work to spend the day with me because I was sick. I was so happy feeling things were turning around, then Tuesday was exactly the same more happiness and things seemed like they were turning around. Cuddling at bedtime .. everything was perfect. I woke up to go to work on Wednesday, kissed her on the head and told her I loved her, she grabbed my hand and kissed it and said she loved me to and see me soon. Wed. I had to stay at my parents house by work because of the weather, she called that night before bed telling me that she loved, missed me and couldn’t wait to see me Thursday. Thursday after noon she text me, while im at work telling me it was over and she had moved my stuff out to a storage unit. That she was done and I was getting a certified letter explaining everything. She wouldn’t respond to my calls, texts anything that day. I got the letter Thursday just as she said, the reasons were lies, and made me feel bad about myself. She took extra effort to make me die inside. Then all contact was gone. I spoke with her 1 time telling her I was shutting off all the utilities if soon to protect myself. She assured me that she was putting them & the lease in her name that she could afford them easily by herself, then she told me to stop contacting her because no one liked me, cared or wanted to ever hear from me. I was devastated. I found out she had another man at the end of December, he helped her move my stuff out, and opened a hair salon with all the equipment needed and now she is enjoying that. 3 guys she has done this to before found out what happened and they have been a tremendous help in this. Sorry for the long story but your article has helped so much in understanding. I am slowly healing, dealing with the memories and trying to get myself back. Thank you once again.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story Joseph. Do you mind if I copy this and put up as a seperate post? I think it is important as it is almost identical to my experience of a male sociopath. You will relate to posts I write here. Go back through. There is an index on the side start from the beginning Feb 13 and click through. I hope my posts will help you and to know that there are people who really understand what you have been through. Oh and the ‘nobody likes you anyway’ they all say that. I am so sorry you are going through this as I really do understand the pain. Nikki.

      1. I don’t mind at all if you repost this. Sorry about the bad grammar and errors though. All I hope is this post can help someone else. So they can also cope and realize these people aren’t right at all. Not only do they take what you have but when they are done they want to make sure you have nothing, not even a love or respect for yourself. Please feel free to concact me anytime Nikki. This was a condensed story, a lot more happened to build me up and tear me down on several occasions to keep me in her control. So please feel free to contact me via email. Its very hard to cope. Somedays good and others not so good. Thanks again.

      2. If you’d like me to try to write the whole story to repost I can give it my best shot. Please let me know. I just want to help people realize how much of a rollercoaster ride they put you through to keep you suppying what they need.

      3. Hi Joseph, I think that you wrote your story perfectly. Do you mind if I just copy and post it? As I do think that it is a perfect example how a female sociopath can target someone and behave in an identical way as a male sociopath and the biggest difference is society and that women get away with it more 😦 Is this ok?

  27. In the end I have fought hard. She made me feel like I wasn’t even a Man anymore, I gave everything and it wasn’t enough, Then to take special efforts to give me the honeymoon feeling again 18hours before she tore me down to the lowest I have ever been… Its hard to overcome but I’m working at it.

  28. Yes, its cool to post it just like it is. Send me the link so I can follow it. I’d love to help anyone I can. I am actually the 4th person that I know of and she has not payed for anything that she has done. Please copy and Paste .

  29. I am so glad i have come across this article. Thank you, it has really helped me and is nice to know that I’m not alone. I only came to realise a coupe of days ago that I had been seduced by a sociopath, after i told my story to a complete stranger (a friend of a friend in the health profession) trying to get clarity on what had actually happened to me. Other people just didn’t seem to understand and thought i was just obsessed. I have had to deal with the silent treatment for 6 months, sending the odd message here and there wanting to know why and just getting ignored and feeling tormented. Its not until you have been taken in by one that you can know and experience the damage it causes. I have my closure now as he needed his mind game ‘fix’ and texted me wanting to meet up for lunch after ignoring all my messages, i went along with it then he got sexual and started asking for nude pics, i ignored and then messaged him the next day and he said he was drunk and then went back to silent treatment. I confronted him on his behaviour and he attacked me verbally telling me i’m insane and that i’m unstable and mad – now i realise he was just projecting. The alarming thing is that he is in a high position of authority – now i know its because he thrives in that environment of control. Such an eye opener.

    1. Hi honey girl, thanks and welcome to the site. I guess way to look at it is that they don’t care about anyone but themselves. They just move on and cant understand why you are still left with feelings. Which is normal. The one who isn’t normal is him. Often it’s only after the relationship has ended that you see the true person behind the mask.

      1. Thank you for replying and welcoming me to the site I just feel so relieved that i’m not alone and can finally begin to understand whats happened but at the same time it all feels so surreal. I felt like me still having feelings and not being able to let go made me look sad and desperate to others, he made me feel like i had imagined being with him – that just sounds so crazy! I had such a closeness and bond with him then he just gave me the silent treatment out of nowhere. I thought maybe it was me with issues with rejection but just wanting to know from him and never getting closure was making me relive it over and over
        I just read ‘learn to spot the red flags’ and was shocked – he was also a poker player! I just can not believe the similarities of this site and that guy!! He had an actual mask as his profile pic! He also had professional hand drawn pics of the joker from batman on his bedroom wall – why didn’t i question this? I feel so stupid. The smile ‘that look’ he gave me not long before the silent treatment. The hurtful comments he made calling me insane. The way he always made broken promises and got me to drive him everywhere. All the signs were there staring me in the face.
        I was really disturbed to discover the eye gazing and nlp techniques – he used this on me to build the bond and I couldn’t understand how i felt so comfortable and connected around someone i’d only just met in person! As time went on I felt the hold he had over me – I don’t think he felt he owned me but i sure felt that he had a hold over me if that makes sense!
        Sorry to keep going on, i just need to get it out of my system. I am now trying to focus on myself and my own personal goals. A friend recommended reading Louise L hay ‘you can heal your life’ and reading the positive affirmations but this site is helping me so much already. Thank you for your support Positiviagirl.

      2. I really understand as do so many others who comment here. At first it’s the fog of confusion. Everything seems so surreal. Yep a lot do love to play poker (although not all)

        Also feeling stupid is common and they reinforce this. All that I can say is that it does get better fortunately nobody stays in the fog of confusion forever.

  30. well its good to find this site and know that im not alone. Like everyone else here expressed, I am still confused and lost and in disbelief that I had a sociopath in my life. I have always been so good at judging people’s character, and in true sociopath fashion he wore a mask and wore that mask damn well I must say!! He deserves an Oscar for his performance actually! But im hurting because I really got attached to him. I had noticed his mask slowly unraveling for about two weeks, and then BAM!! He spent the night over my house and then two days later would not answer my texts, phone calls, nothing! I thought something bad had happened to him. but come to find out he was just ignoring me. Mind you this was the week of my 30th birthday! I had planned a celebration and he promised to be there by my side and pay for my dinner. I was sooo happy that finally I would have a special man in my life for my birthday, after going so many years without one. But my birthday came and went and it was nothing but deafening SILENCE from him! I was in disbelief and now a month later still am. I cried day and night, to the point where I felt like I couldn’t breathe and was going to have a panic attack. I don’t think I’ve ever been sadder in my life.
    I am slowly putting myself back together again but it is sooo hard. I cant help missing him but I realize that the person I miss was never really him in the first place. The day after my birthday, he text me. I couldn’t believe it. How dare he have the nerve to contact me after abandoning me!! He told me happy belated b-day and said that he was sorry and hadn’t been doing very well with a lot of things. I resisted my urge to text him and ask him why he had done this to me. I wanted to tell him that he could have told me he was having a hard time. But I didn’t!! I gave him the same silent treatment he had given me! I refuse to give him my power again!! I am proud of myself for that. I realize that he wasn’t really sorry, he just wanted to make a last attempt at seeing if he still had control over me. And he does not! Nevertheless, I still think about him everyday, and still try to make sense of what I went through. I just pray for peace for myself as well as all of us who have been wounded by these cold, vampire like, inhumane, apathetic creatures. Peace and love blessings yall! May we all find REAL LOVE one day!!

    1. Welcome to the site ELM! If there is anything I can do to help let me know. These people take so much from us because we are good people, they feed off us knowing we will always give them the benefit of the doubt. You will find healing & friends here as I have!

  31. Such a useful post, I can confirm fear of exposure will get you discarded quicker than the blink of an eye, especially if there’s a risk to any income streams their lies are generating. If my less than dignified response to finding out the truth has lead to even one person to think twice, it will have been worth it.

    Lack of closure is so frustrating though, the next stage of recovery will be to stop dreaming that I’ll get it…..

  32. Hello and thank you for this site!
    I thank God for it and for the fact that I found it today!
    My story is still in progress and it is the ugliest story possible…my soul mate, the love of my life, my BRAND NEW HUSBAND, has shut me out and it has now been over a month since we have spoken! Not only did we fall passionately in love, but we married on another continent, and I was in the process of completely shutting down my present life to move overseas!!!!! We were supposed to set the world on fire with our passionate love story (I am a writer and was SOOOO excited to write our extraordinary love story for the world to read! So was EVERYONE who ever heard our story!) Now, this monster has literally shut me out of his life and gone completely dark. The sad thing is that his family is fully on board with him….I am so concerned for his children. It is a living horror movie and I am the unpaid lead female role! And this was NOT supposed to be MY story! It was supposed to be happily ever after. The first few weeks, I was inconsolable. Only God and Jesus Himself were able to keep my head above water. As recently as yesterday and the day before, I felt like there was no way to carry on…I couldn’t do it. My WHOLE life is in a shambles! Within a month after our wedding, things QUICKLY got stranger and stranger – he even dramatically changed his appearance…we are living on separate continents, so it was easy for him to carry out his sick, twisted, methodical plan. He told me we wouldn’t talk for one week, while he was in transition with a variety of things. That was FIVE weeks ago! A mutual friend has spoken to him and he said that he would contact me, his beautiful new wife, when “he is ready!” If he thinks he will reach me, he can take a flying leap! My heart is broken, but God is giving me the strength to start getting ANGRY now! How dare he steal my life, MARRY ME! Make love to me as a new husband and wife and LEAVE ME!!!!!!!!!! There are no words in existence to describe the horrific lack of character and soul of this man. I cannot believe that I was taken by a monster like him. Praying for all of us who have been ripped apart by these savages. May God help us all to pick up the shattered pieces of our lives, our souls, our selves, help us rebuild, repair us and restore us to a better position than we were before and quickly help each of us to find the TRUE love of our lives, our soul mates that we may each live in great epic love all the days of our lives with someone who is loving, faithful, true, trustworthy, and just! Love and blessings to all. I WILL not give up on love! He doesn’t deserve any more of me or my life.

  33. The ONE thing that I am SOOOOO grateful to God for is that this madman did this to me NOW and not after I gave up EVERYTHING I own and took my child and I to a strange continent! If he had done this to me then, my child and I would have been in an even worse predicament (though it’s hard to believe possible…), but we would have been stranded with NOONE! I am grateful for God’s Preventing Love that it happened now and not later. Somehow, some way, we will get through this……

  34. Thank you for reminding the EXACT sequence and how to recover. I am going through the same experience right now.

  35. Your articles helped alot. Is it normal that all i want is revenge ? And cause him the same amount of pain that he caused me ?

    1. Yes, it is normal Natalie, he betrayed your trust, and abused you. it is normal to feel this way. However, if you do this, really you would only set yourself up for further trouble as sociopaths see this as an invitation to continue to play the game. They can play the game better as they have no conscience and don’t particularly care who they hurt.

      1. I just want to forget it all and not think of it /: .. It’s horrible everytime i do so

  36. This article has really helped me. I started dating a sociopath three months ago and recently found out that he still had a girlfriend of 10 years!!!!!!. The amount of lies he told me was ridiculous… He made me feel extremely sorry for him at the beginning of our relationship and kept me tagging along. It would have went on for ages if I hadn’t found out he had a girlfriend. I still have NO answers from him as to what actually happened or went through his head and when I have confronted him he has been extremely calm and tried to turn it back onto me. This explains it all, he is definitely a sociopath. Although I want revenge as I am feeling sooo hurt and betrayed, the only person I am hurting is myself because it is clear he doesn’t care at all.

  37. Female sociopath here as well. Discard was hell understanding it. Divorced 30 mo now and finally learning what this is. When a woman does this to her husband and the law says 50/50 it hits like a truck. Then learn a paracite w/HIV has entered a 27 yr marriage. Crazy

  38. Reconnected with the love of my life after 34 years. For two years it was bliss, and then I found out about another guy. She claimed to have broken it off and we got married. Third marriage for her. For 6 years things started to slowly decline – push/pull – and I sunk almost all of my money in the marriage. Two months ago, I found out that she’d been carrying on an affair with the same guy the whole time we were married. The depth and breadth of her betrayal is stunning. I found some emails. Every night, we’d sit on the couch and I would rub her legs. She was always texting and claimed it was one of her kids, when in reality, it was her paramour. In one of the emails, they were laughing about how they could text each other in the presence of their respective spouses without us knowing. Just cruel. I moved out and filed for divorce. I haven’t spoken with her since. She has no remorse. The lies are unbelievable.

  39. My sociopath husband has only ever.lived 3 weeks jn 6 years. Told me all would be well when his immigration problems were sorted out.Took him back over and over being controlled..verbally abusive..threatening to my family…isolating me from them and hating my friends. Imoved away 300 miles to escape him but he talked me in to coming back saying we will be able to spend time together. Well that was last summer and apart from helping me move my stuff he has barely bothered to make the effort to see me. Ive been stuck in isolation he upset the neighbours told me i shouldn’t talk to them etc. The last few weeks ive been disconnecting as he refused to ever discuss our problems. he has his single life in town and only spending a few hours a week with me. This usually involved me driving miles to.pick him up as he wouldnt make any effort to get to me. I felt the love had gone long ago but loneliness kept me from doing anything about it. Anyway i have been feelung stronger and stronger and seeing him for the pathetic man child he really is. I think he knows the games up. Nearly 2 weeks now since he text me good morning and then just disappeared. I hope for ever! Every time ive moved he has always brought suitcases saying he doesnt have room for his stuff in his place which I feel is stating ownership of me. I need his stuff gone but i dont want him coming over for it. Lying awake at night wondering what to do about this and also what is his plan as i really dont trust him.

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