It can be very confusing when you come out of the relationship with the sociopath. Your heart tells you one thing, but your head can say quite another. It is confusing, you can love the person, but not love the abuse and the way that this behaviour made you feel about you.
What is really going on? What causes confusion?
At times of weakness your heart can feel one thing
- The love that YOU felt
- Memory of the ‘good times’
- The ‘intense’ connection that you felt
- All the things that you planned to do together, those thoughts in your head of a bright and brilliant future
- How happy you were during the good times
But your head reminds you of something else
- The hurt and the pain that you felt, when lied to, and were deceived
- Not feeling valued and how your needs were never met
- Memory of past actions that hurt you
- Knowledge and understanding that this person is a Sociopath, and can NEVER change
- Remembrance of the cycle of abuse, how the behaviour repeated in patterns, over and over
- The devastation that you felt during those times
- The false empty dreams and promises
- The significant losses that you have experienced
It can feel on a merry go round of emotions, as you switch back and forth. You read an article which shouts out to you and you feel better. Hours later, you are slumped on the sofa, and your heart is aching again.
Even if you have ended the relationship with the sociopath, it can feel as if you were the one who was dumped. You feel
- Let down
- Hurt
- Betrayed
- Confused
- Angry
- Foolish
There is also a sense of ‘finality’ the same that you would feel if there were a bereavement. It is like grieving a death. The person that you once loved does not exist, and is never coming back.
You face two choices:
- Continue to be lied to and abused, knowing that this cycle of abuse that will continue
- Have no choice, but to walk away, despite the love in your heart that you might still feel
How To Separate Your Feelings From The Sociopath’s Behaviour
It is important that you separate truth from fiction. Being in the relationship with the Sociopath, there would have been much deceit, manipulation and illusion. In fact, the entire time spent with the Sociopath was likely to have been one of illusion. It was only when the mask slipped and you witnessed the Narcissistic rage, that you saw a different person. Or at any time, that you challenged the sociopath about their behaviour, or pulled them up on what you knew to be lies and deception.
For you, the victim, you are left with conflicting emotions. You know that the relationship is bad for you. You know that it will not get better, yet sometimes your heart takes you back to fantasy land.
Remember you cannot change the Sociopath – but you can change YOU!
How to separate those feelings
You need a pen and paper. It is good to write this by hand. It will also be useful for you to keep this for later when you are having a bad day. The following should help you to sort out the confusion in your mind, and to separate what is in your heart, from the Sociopaths behaviour.
If you would like to follow this exercise, you are going to use BOTH your heart and your head. The intention, is to divide those conflicting feelings. This will help you to separate truth from fiction.
Feelings in your heart – List One
The first step is to let it all out. Write a list of all the good thing. All the good times. All the happy times. All of those thoughts that randomly come into your head, and cause you pain. Everything that you can think of, write it down. This is list one.
The purpose of this exercise is to ALLOW your feelings. All of your feelings, but to put them into the appropriate place.
Examples
- He made me laugh
- We had some fun times together
- We went off on exciting adventures
- He took care of me
Reality to feelings in your heart Part One – List Two
Now I want you to add to list one. Write next to it – what was in it for your Sociopath partner?
Examples
- He made me laugh – He was seducing me for his own needs
- We had some fun times – Nearly always I was paying
- We went off on adventures – I was always with him – he kept control of me and was able to monitor me
- He took care of me – I actually didn’t need to be ‘cared for’ but he did this to control me
Write on this list, what did the sociopath get out of those situations? See it from the way that they think. How they use people for source of supply.
List Three – What your head is telling you – now you write the Sociopaths behaviour, and why this was bad for you!
You should by now be prepared for this one.
After the fantasy of the hearts and flowers in your head, to putting the same situation from the Sociopath’s perspective and WHY things were so great, we now take this one step further.
Step three. Write the sociopaths actions. This list is about the sociopaths behaviour. Again here are the examples
- He was selfish and seduced me for his own needs, using me for source of supply
- He was controlling
- He manipulated situations to keep me under control
- He stole from me
- He lied to me
I could continue with this list, but you get the picture?
List four – writing goals for YOU!
Use list one, to help you with this list. In this exercise take out the things that made you happy from list one (the product that the sociopath was selling you) this will be the part that you now feel is ‘missing’ in your own life.
- Fun
- Laughter
- Adventures
- (I will skip the being taken care of – as this was a perception, that was sold to me, I didn’t really need to be taken care of) -this was control
Using the information contained in the previous lists, you write your final list
How to achieve these things (the things that made you happy) for yourself !!
- Catch up with old friends that I didn’t have time to see. Go to a comedy club, watch a funny video, see family, anything that makes you laugh, and is fun
- Plan for a holiday – book a camping trip, book to go to a festival
- Take my bike out of the garage, call up a friend and go out for a ride
Make sure that this list is SMART
- When will you do it? (time frame it)
- How will you achieve it?
- Is this realistic?
- What is your plan B if this doesn’t work (put in plan b because if you fail at plan A you might go back to the hearts and flowers delusion of the Sociopath relationship)
Why writing lists can help you!
- Writing is healing
- It helps to separate the sociopaths behaviour from your feelings
- It gives you a list of things to do
- It keeps your mind occupied
- It helps bring to focus back to You
- You start to move away from the sociopath and focusing on them, and start making POSITIVE goals for you, and the future
- It can help with creating a sense of normality. After all, did you not have fun, go on adventures, laugh before you met the sociopath? (as in my example)
Of course you did those things before you met the sociopath, as they were mirroring YOU (not the other way around)
By breaking down what has happened, and using lists to clarify your thoughts, you can help to speed up the healing time. There is no doubt that being a Sociopathic relationship can be damaging, but you can use your recovery time in a positive way.
You can do this. No matter how bad the damage is, you can do this. It will help you to recover and heal. You might not want to do this at first. It is important to grieve. You might not get as far as writing out your goals. This is OK, the intention of the exercise is to take back control of you. To separate their behaviour from your emotions.
Remember to do this successfully, you need to establish NO CONTACT which means
- Delete old phone messsages
- Delete telephone number
- Delete emails and email contact
- Block social media
- DO NOT look at their social media contact
- If you have mutual friends, maybe at least for a while, revise your friends list
Love yourself. You’re worth it!! 🙂
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Dating a Sociopath 
This is wonderful. Wish I would have done it so that I hadn’t of wasted so much time grieving. But it is better to know now than to never know, and still be with the illusion. Great post!
Thanks Cindy, sometimes it is just knowing how. I think they play so many games with your emotions, that it can become confusing. You might love the Sociopath, but hate the behaviour and the way that it makes you feel. Its really useful in recovery to separate those emotions from the behaviour. The feel good happy emotions can be recreated elsewhere. The Sociopaths behaviour will always be the same and will never change.
Just to piggy back off your response…I loved him but hated his behaviour…just recently he pulled his last stunt. While walking in the rain, looking for my car…I suddenly realized that he had taken me down. It was at that moment scrambling to recover memories of who I was before I met him. Not only was it pouring down outside…it’s was pouring in my life. Every special moment I had had over the past three years, from my college graduation, a promotion, the birth of my child, a birthday party…they had all been ruined. He sabatoged all the moments that were really special to me. It was the “love” that kept me spining in his tornado…I have left before a few times…but this particular time, I can honestly say I’ve had enough. I can loved myself and yes I do deserve more. Thank you for this article.
You are welcome, if you do it…. also remember to write down all the bad crappy things that he did, ruined and destroyed for you. All the times he sabotaged something that was good, for no other reason than his own entertainment. YES you deserve so so much more.
Good reading and very helpful. Lists are great, and once written we must make a conscious effort to stare at them all the time. Because this is our written truth. Our heart will lie and deceive us and try to pull us back to the illusion that we’re familiar with. It’s almost like a discipline that we have to start focusing on the truth until it sinks in and we start walking it. You eventually do realise how bad it was and when you look at the new target, no matter what they are presenting to the world, you know what she is secretly going through.
Absolutely. Because those lists are written by us, they contain our own ‘code’ of thinking unique to our experience and who we are. Can be great to pull out again at a weak moment.
I know it’s been some time since you posted, but I am just going through a break up of a marriage now. Your words ring so very true for me. Thank you for putting into words exactly what I’ve been feeling.
Christina are you talking to me or to Simone? I think Simone still reads here.
I do still read here! Big hugs Christina either way, you two PG! xx
Typo, I mean you ‘too’ PG…… or hugs to the two of you! haha
Aw I knew what you meant Simone. I hope you are well 🙂
Holy crap I needed this one today.
Hey how are you doing GL?
I get the website changed over tomorrow, so will be able to get Forum put in, hurray!! 🙂
How are you? I take it having one of those ‘confusing’ days? It’s tough when you get that push pull from your heart to your head isn’t it?
I like lists (you can probably tell), helps to sort things out when things feel confused.
This is a hard exercise, confront ourselves with what is real, is harder than I imagined, it feels like I’m “killing” hope..
When you say killing hope, is that because your hope is tied up with the sociopath?
No…killing the hope that he will change someday…killing the notion of the person I thougt was real, but who never was…it is like a loss of innocence…a loss of trust.
I hear you!! ….. that is the most painful part, but it is the part which will help you to heal quickest. But it is the most painful….. but….. the truth will set you free!! 🙂
So true, NMI…Sometimes we get so attached to our feelings and our projections of who they were…but seeing them for what they are is so incredibly humbling and powerful at the same time. Reminds us that its time to let go
Sometimes I ask myself if I think I’m a superheroe who wants to save Pinnochio from himself..it is as “I know his potential, why he can’t see it?” The truth is there’s not any potential. ..as the 80’s song from Boston, the man I’ll never be.
Because he truly cant unfortunately. I stayed best friends with my ex for a year after we split i saw him every day. He KNEW he was a sociopath then, but whilst there was a slight improvement in his behaviour (as in understanding it he tried to manage it) – there was no real change, and the same pattern and cycle continued (it just wasn’t as severe) because he was more aware and managed it better. But it was similar.
Killing the hope is how i sit at this very moment. just happened to come across this….. I thought I understood crazy… i had no idea…
I think “killing” hope is probably a good thing – if I may – NMI ?
Yes SC is a good thing…but I’m honest, this is a hard thing to do. I feel like I’m killing a part of me that makes me believe that goodness is part of a human being nature.
If they are sociopaths, what is our name? The hopefuls, “los credulos”?
On english is credulous (sorry I went to llok at the dictionary, english is not my first language)
Your english is FANTASTIC!!! 🙂 Where are you from?
Aw, no its not like that. Sociopaths can also be good sometimes. They can care in their own way (albeit more control and possession) – Usually they have a motive for what they are doing.
One thing though, is that it is not personal against you. it just the way that they are, the way that their brain works. They will meet someone else and do exactly the same thing. if you look in their past they would have done the same thing.
I’m Hispanics from the Caribbean.
From my personal experience his real nature have a space for goodness that as best is “primitive”, that’s maybe is the reason of the nickname I use to refer to him, “Pinnochio”, a wood boy without a heart, and without a conscience.
hahaha I love the way that you put things!!! It is so very clever, funny and true also.
I wish I had know about that, as he had a big nose, the name would have been great!! 🙂
What a great question NMI, I can’t speak for you and it depends where we all are on our journey but I guess for me my name has changed. I was once called “Delusional” along with many other things, Possibly “Superficial”, “Unauthentic” now my names are; “Authentic” “Know” “Loved” “Deep” “Insightful” “Kind”………And yes it is a hard thing to do, the hardest thing I have ever done in my lifetime. I spent months having feeling inside my stomach everyday as though I wanted to throw up. My body shook and ached, I had headaches, and looked terrible. No one can lie and say it will be easy, but if you stay in a place you are not meant to be, the long-term effects will be worst than that which I’ve described above. I know, I’ve lived it. Too long to describe here on someone elses page, you can read parts of my story on my blog – Red Light Runners if you want to.
Good comment Simone, and how very true. If you stay there in the grief, you can be affected by that just as much. Thank you!!
And yes, a part of you is definitely dying. And it feels frightening. But it’s the part that’s supposed to die. We have to become used to not living with it anymore and let it go. Terribly difficult.
But .,….. then you realise that it was the bad part that died, the part that stifled you, controlled you, held you back, isolated you, lied to you……. and you breath a sigh of relief and the sun shines again!!! 🙂
Yes exactly. The sun will shine bright again. “Brighter unto an everlasting day.” just takes time.
Wow Simone,….. …. read the last two stories on the tell your story that have just come in. Just wow!!!
Gee that’s a lot of reading! It’s just crazy and I’m speechless. Good idea this forum. I will check in on it whenever i can. I don’t know what to say, again I’m speechless.This is great what you are doing. I hope all these women and men can gain strength from one another. All our stories are so indepth and have so many facets to them. I said it already I know but I’m just shocked.
This info couldn’t have come at a better time for me. My s has been arrested on Wednesday..I am getting calls everyday from inside the jail which I have not answered. Most likely they are collect calls. I am also getting calls from different bail bond companies. Each one trying to convince me to get my loved one out of jail and telling me I only have to pay a small amount to do this. I have refused each time. My fear is that I am going to break down and answer one of those gals from inside the jail. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to send money so he has money in his account. Inmates need money to make phone calls, write letters and purchase snacks. I don’t want him to get anything from me. He has taken enough. His parents will not bail him out either and they have the money. They are very wealthy. His bail is 50 thousand. Original charge is assault on police office during an arrest of public drinkenness. This is a felony. He was placed on probation. He was taken into custody on violation of probation for failing drug test. His drug of choice is heroin but will do most anything. I am starting to feel badly about not answering the phone. It’s that head and heart thing. I am going to do the exercises that you offer. Thanks. He has a girlfriend but on the day he was arrested she told her parents that she too was addicted to heroin and they sent her off to rehab. This girl is his new victim. He loved her soooo much that he got her hooked on dope. Misery loves company.
He told the bail bondsman to tell me that I am all he’s gots left and that I am the only one he wants to have help him…lol…even with no contact he manages to get to me
And you are not the company for the misery. There are free apps where your phone automatically rejects any phone # that isn’t in your contacts…this is the easiest part, the harder is to acknowledge that your responsibility is with taking care of yourself and that’s what you are doing when you say NO!
positiva…
I am curious, if you dont mind sharing. I am fascinated by the fact that you were able to remain friends with you ex/sociopath for up to a year after the split. I am curious as to why there was no “discard” since he could not use you anymore…
Also, how did that work without you being sucked back in, and without him trying to cast his “spell” on you again? Or try with the seducing, anyway. Any time I have just tried to be “friends” with my soc (because we have tried this for years..) it always catapults into something else, much more quickly. Thus, starting a new cycle.
I guess, in a general sense, how were you able to manage that relationship as a “friendship” for up to a year, and if you dont mind sharing, what was the final straw that made you apply the no contact rule with him?
Mainly I ask these questions because I am looking for a ray of hope that someday we could be “friends” because he makes me laugh so much, and was my best friend for years. But, the more logical part of me wants some reaffirming answers that it wont be possible.
Oh well all of your suspicions are correct. We repeated the cycle over and over. Because he had stolen, owed me a lot of money. I couldn’t trust him until he had paid something back.
He never did. He never paid back a penny, but there was always the lure that he would. More allegations of more fake jobs etc. He had moved to my city, so he didn’t know anyone here. He also had total control over my life. The first few months after the police kicked him out were hell. Absolute hell, I almost lost my house.
I then convinced him (as he by then knew he was a sociopath) that I had some personality disorder and that if he did anything to me, i would call the mother of his child and tell her everything. those few months were hell. Police were called repeatedly.
You can’t be ‘friends’ with a sociopath because he ALWAYS wants something. And you cant trust him. (he was the type to steal too).
So I had to have boundaries. To be honest it had gone on for such a long time. I think I had no fight left in me, it had became normality.
Of course by then we didn’t live together. That wouldn’t happen, unless he could prove he was trustworthy. Which was something that he really couldn’t do. He did try – after those first few months. We got on ok…. daily contact, but then i wasn’t doing too much else anyway. I think i was fascinated by his behaviour. Which as you know they can act totally sane. So I also had hope that one day he would sort himself out.
He couldn’t. I almost was really sucked in after Christmas. I had a lot of food and drink in from Christmas. By then, I knew him inside out, and knew that he loved things for free… so he came and stayed for a couple of weeks…. I ALMOST fell back in love with him….. but of course being a sociopath- he said I need to move in with you. Which made me really suspicious. I pulled back and he went awol.
From Jan – about a month ago. He was very on and off after that, for the first time. He had found new source for supply. The last time he came into my house, he said that all these boundaries are stupid and that I should trust him – I let him in and he stole a gold watch. So that was my trust, and he was always like that. But that was to him discard – he always stole at the end. We had discard lots of times over that period -and it was painful.
Our final ending – we just agreed that we couldn’t do this anymore. By then he had found new friends and new people that he could lie to, with me, i never believed him – and constantly challenged his lies. With his new friends they believed him. So he could be this new fantasy man again. Which is where he felt more comfortable. Behind the lie.
That was that. Each time he did discard he would tell me of his new woman, you know. We through the same pattern of behaviour over and over. From Feb, rather than letting it bother me, I wrote about it as it happened.
Final straw though, was one weekend, we hadn’t seen each other for a while. a few weeks. I did see him, first day we got on well. Next day, he tried with his controlling behaviour. But as this time I had been away from it, i wouldnt put up with it anymore. That was that.
Gaslighted, on conclusion, forget about the friendship…they will always see you as their “savings account” where they can go when they need money, time, a car, a house, someone to speak, someone to show their “achievements”, when they need a bed, a body….they withdraw from the account but never ever will make a deposit, and this is not what a friendship is about…
I’m sure out there
Exactly. Do you know what, after he had stormed out after I said no to moving in. I learned that he was about to get his welfare benefit removed for refusing to get a job.So he thought he could move in and live off of me!!
then he called me and said ‘well its all ok now I am going to get my money sorted’….
Short time after that it was really cold, so he was acting all loving and that he really really wanted to make things work. he refused to go home. Every day he slept on my sofa. On the last day i went shopping for food… and spent £160 on food… next day he went home. I said where are you….. he said ‘oh its ok now, I have my boiler fixed, it was broken all last week’.you should come down its nice and warm here now 🙂
You couldn’t make it up.
Yes he made me laugh he was my best friend too. But the truth is, you are just someone who he owns and possess. During that time he hacked into emails and facebook. Accused me of all kinds of things. I was constantly on the defence. Truthfully we did get on…. but it was his behaviour…. it was impossible and so illogical.He created problems when there didn’t need to be problems. consistently.
he continued to live the lie and behind the mask of deception. Told lies, played games. I don’t know in reality – I think we had literally taken it as far as we could.
If he comes back he will only do so to use you for further source of supply. You know what he would say to me (he knew he was a sociopath)…. well I will have to get a job i am on my own, i wont have anyone to live off of. It was probably the most honest thing he had said. So if he couldnt get source of supply from me – he had to get a new girlfriend….
there it was.,… really.
So no. Unless you want to be used. As that is all that they do really.
How can you be friends? You are his ex. Either he can use you for source of supply or he will get someone else to use. That is the sad reality. We stayed friends when we did simply because he didn’t know anyone else, he had burned all his bridges…. so he kept hold of me. Just using someone for company is using them for source of supply.
I suppose all of that makes sense. Thank you for sharing it again.
I definitely dont want to be used anymore or again. I can also relate to him “burning all of his bridges” and “not having many friends”. As I frequently would get the comments “thank you for never giving up on me” and other things to make me feel like a champion.
He, too, was unemployed, although I thought it was temporary. I learned during our relationship that he aquired money in so many shady, scandalous ways. But, would frequently make comments to me about how I was going to be his “sugar mama”.
I remember when we re-connected, the first month, it was almost like he was taken aback. I had started my career, am very successful at it and am making big moves with it. He instantly wanted in, and I think I actually saw the wheels turn one night while we were at dinner. I was talking about my job and he stops and goes “Wow…you’re really going places…” and the way he said it made me believe it was truly the first time he realized it. And from that moment on, would tell me things to make it a point to be the “stand up guy I deserve to have in my life” and would find ways to propose business ideas to me.
Never mind the fact that a month later, he was shit talking me for talking about my work and making me feel horrible for my successes.
I do wish I could have that friendship…but at the same time, yes, i was a savings account. He never gave me anything. And truthfully, coming from a place of contribution in my life, I never expected something in return…but I also didnt expect to be depleted of my emotions, energy, time either.
Its kind of like an investment to him. He might have to pay X amount up front (in money, gifts, love, etc), but his investment is then cashed in for 10x the amount he invested. Not a bad gig for the Soc.
Exactly!! I used to say to him i am NOT your career option. Get a job!! He would really say to me ‘well if i cant be with you, i will have to meet someone else’ either let me move in and that was his life plan. The normal things like having a stable home, somewhere for his daughter to come and stay. building a life, going on holiday – those things were missing.
it was like having a tap that was never turned off. Very draining. And it wont change.
My ex must be a low-level functioning sociopath. He carries a great deal many of the traits: lies, no long term relationships (except for one friend) because he burned them all, constant deceit, promiscuous (found out over time that he constantly slept with married women and last his last long term relationship because he was caught cheating), lack of long term goals (other than the ‘I want to marry you and have children’ lie), selfish, no empathy, immature (late 30’s and has no responsibility), had a drug problem, etc., etc. He’s even told me once that it was easier to lie, that he’s spent his entire life lying and it’s easier than telling the truth. He had a really crappy upbringing (many of the things I was able to slowly pull from him, other family members confirmed).
Another thing I think helps him is that his best friend also seems to be the same type of person. I think this is why he’s be able to sustain the friendship for so long. His friend also has a bit of a temper, so he might be slightly afraid to commit any wrongdoing. I think that’s why their relationship has lasted so long. And the person he was constantly lying to me about also has issues with fidelity and lying…so, birds of a feather? I told him that he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong b/c the closest people to him do the same things. I’m sure it adds to validating his actions…but I now realize that he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong because he lacks a conscience.
He was able to secure a very good job for the past few years, he’s very charming and sweet and moved himself right into my place after only a few months – telling me that we were ‘perfect’ for each other. I bought it, hook, line and sinker. 😦 He leached on to his ex for her living situation (low rent, etc.)…But he split the expenses with me and never failed to offer to pay certain bills. I would be considered more successful, but it was nice to seemingly have someone to share the burden with. I was so confused – I found a guy with a good job, who wanted a family, who sweet talked me into everything.
I’ve never felt this ridiculous after a break up and we weren’t together for nearly as long as I was with others! I can’t sleep, eat, focus…it’s only been a short while, but it hasn’t gotten much easier just yet to deal with it. I loved him so much, but I’m trying to tell myself I was loving a shell of a person – someone who wasn’t real. But I miss him…I miss the hugs and kisses…and the constant laughs. We did connect deeply at some point – some things you can’t fake. We used to laugh until we had tears running down our faces. We used to say the same things at the same times. But I know if I stay with him, I’ll be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life.
I’ve got to break ties – I know this will be the solution. I have some of his personal belongings and need for him to take them. I can’t look at them without crying. His family members who have allowed this behavior have turned their backs on me because they didn’t want to get involved when I asked if I could drop his stuff off with them. This just saddens me because I just want to move on and I’m not the type of person to throw someone’s stuff out in the trash.
Today is a new day…and I pray for the strength to pull myself back together again. Love and light to all of you going through this!
Are you sure he is a sociopath? I am thinking if he worked and split the bills with you?
Sociopaths are very deceptive. Manipulative, controlling they wear a mask of deception. Basically they are opposite to who they portray themselves to be, and it is only when the truth comes out that you are left absolutely stunned.
I could be wrong. Does having a job and sharing bills negate the sociopathic personality? Not sure…But he really carries all of the other traits that I mentioned above. I’m told (by his family) that the reason why he ended up moving on with a career in his early 30’s is because a family member who was supporting him was going to cut him off if he didn’t. Prior to that, he was fired from his previous jobs. He may have picked up some of the bills because he was making decent money and I impressed upon him in the very beginning that a financial louse was total turn off. I now realize that he drained me financially in other ways – talking me into taking trips that I thought were too expensive and lavish, asking me to ‘pick him up some stuff’ and he’ll give me the money back, etc., etc.
I think in his own way, he would come in and out of thinking that he would/should change. i.e. – he introduced me to his family (didn’t introduce the ex he was engaged to after being with her for 4 years) because I told him how important it was to me, would tell me that he was trying not to lie and didn’t know why he always lied after I would catch him in a lie and confront him, etc.
But then I think about all of the red flags I could have noticed above…he once told me while drunk that he tortured an animal (while he was sober)…playing the victim with stories of his ex’s, friends and family (once I dug about for information, I found it was all untrue), the speed at which our relationship moved (so fast!). He would change for just long enough to let me think that he would be honest…and then I would catch him in another lie.
If he’s not a sociopath, then he’s a compulsive liar, who cheats, never takes responsibilities for his actions, doesn’t feel bad about the hurt his inflicts, and leaches onto people who allow him to do so.
It is impossible to say, read some of the stories on the tell my story (say the last two that came in yesterday) that is typical sociopath behaviour.
I never thought about making lists – Great idea – thanks. My ex has all the traits of a sociopath. She had me on a rollercoaster of emotions the likes I have never been on. If it weren’t for my friends, I would gone down that dark hole. I will definitely do the lists. Thanks again.
Thanks styles, and dont forget, write a list of all the bad things that she did to you too…. let it out. Get it out of your system. Let it go.
I never thought about making lists – Great idea – thanks. My ex had all the traits of a sociopath. She had me on a rollercoaster of emotions the likes I have never been on. If it weren’t for my friends, I would have gone down that dark hole. Will definitely do the lists – thanks again.
I would add to that list ALL the bad things he did to you too. its theraputic to write it all down and a good reminder, let it all out!!! 🙂
I recorded our last call, 40 min long. I explained how its time to move on, I’m dating again, don’t even think about me etc. I said “I know what you are. I figured it out.” He asked what my analysis was and i said I don’t want to say it out loud. He was furious about me dating (I was pretending) he wanted to know his name, where he lived, and said the new guy will not be Mr Prince Charming! Many more comments.
He’s mad yet disappeared after I left him, didnt explain cheating, never fought for me etc. he doesn’t love or want me but wants to still control. I cannot get rid if this phone call because I had CONFIDENCE when talking. I took control for once, smoothly and calmly. In my case, it helps to hear myself so healthy and firm to him. Just wanted to share 😉
I hope that gave you some closure……..i havent heard from my sp i dont know which is better? You sound as if you found some peace stay empowered
Hey there, i have a question. My ex sociopath boyfriend is pretty succesful in business and is a lot older than me, so he has been paying for everything. We have been together for more than seven years. And earlier last year, i had a feeling that he wants me to give up my dream and just work for his company. I refused and he got very unhappy. He recently discarded me by doing this silent treatment without warning. I wonder since he’s been paying for everything, does it mean i am the sociopath and he just using the no cotact to stay away from me? I was the one who was thinking about leaving him before this happened and probably showed in my attitude. But i just have this strong feeling that i cannot leave without him after he left me unexpectedly. i really don’t think i was trying to manipulate him in any intentional way. I just got very nervous when being with him before the abandonment since he criticizes a lot of things about me. I am s9 confused..am i the dangerous sociopath that he wants to escape from?
Hi I don’t know you to say who you are or to make judgement. What I can say is that they are fond of the silent treatment (find the post coping with the pain of sociopath discard) they do this to control you. Also you thinking you are a sociopath and doubting yourself is also common. Unless you are a compulsive pathological liar, who uses others for your own gain I would say no. It’s a common socio trick to make you feel like you are the one who is in the wrong 😦 They always do the silent treatment so you think your the one in the wrong. It’s a horrible painful feeling.
Dear Positivagirl, Thanks for the response! That’s very helpful! The truth is I didn’t let him pay for anything in the first few years when we started dating. but somehow he just cracked all my boundaries by picking up checks when we dine out, buying me small gifts that seem to be harmless and gradually threw out pretty much everything in my wardrobe and replaced with clothes he chose or approved. Last year he convinced me to quit a stable job and to challenge myself by finding a better job somewhere else(“you are not making things happen” “if you want to accomplish sth, you have to be very aggressive and burn all the bridges backward.” etc.) So i did. the new job i got does not pay as good as the old one, so he sent me huge amount of money to “help out”. i became very upset about that, so last month, i said: i don’t think i should be using your money anymore. he became all alerted and kept asking: what do you mean? i said i just want to be more independent. he said, “but you need help right now, if i leave you alone you would end up drowning.” A month later, he abandoned me without a word, presumably wants me to die from no financial support from him? The reason I said i want to be more independent is that he started talking about how i can be more involved with his business-he created a position for me in his company. but we are in totally different fields! although the position sounds (superficially) related to my expertise, i was aware that if i accept it, i will be an ornament to his company rather than pursuing what I truly want to do with my life. now i have no idea how to respond to the discard. we have been together for more than seven years and this is the eighth year. how can he just disappear without a trace? I kept thinking, was he right about everything? should i follow his guidance? that way my life would be a lot easier, but i can’t convince myself to give up my life, pursuit and everything that really matters to me. i will be strong and fight for everything. it would be hard for a long time, but i will end up better than spend the rest of my life begging for his mercy and charity.
I’ve found that it is wise to hide from normal view, but not delete text messages, emails, and any other evidence of their sociopathy.
You do this, not to take revenge, but to have your own documentation should they decide to get vengeful and make legal threats. Document, document, document.
In my case, she sent me a comedy internet cease and desist letter threatening me with being a stalker, arsonist, and vandal.
My ex self-documented what a “bad person” in many ways. She took pictures of things and removed them of context and crucial details, pretended to be conciliatory in the hopes I would “entrap” myself and provide flimsy evidence she needed for her now full-effect smear campaign.
It was nefarious. Without a conscience, indeed.
Thankfully, I have a stack of aces up my sleeve that I won’t even reveal here on the slim chance she stalks me and finds my writing here.
My advice is, create a collection of evidence that is rock solid and do NOT let them know you have it. The more you share with a sociopath, the weaker your position becomes. They will adapt to this knowledge.
Spot on!
“I fantasize about bad things happening to you.”
A wtf?! Moment yet… I can finally claim same. I hope he remembers often all those bad things that happened to him in prison. He deserved it.
This is a really helpful, productive exercise that helps clear the residual mental fog, sort fact from fiction, and could even serve as a daily reminder in the beginning of a break-up to keep the victim of a sociopath from backsliding into the way the believed is was. Nicely done!
Thank you Paul 🙂