Just when you thought that you are finally free of the sociopath. You might be hurt, but you are taking time out to recover, and to try to heal. The ruining and smear campaigns start. What is more hurtful is how effective the sociopath is at doing this.
You might have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are probably the victim in all of this, suffering sometimes colossal losses and damage to your life. You might need your ‘friends’ around you to support you. What might amaze you, is that if you are very unlucky the sociopath will ensure the ending of the relationship is exactly as the beginning was with you.
The sociopath is hellbent on causing destruction, wherever they go in life. Remember that they fear only two things:
- Fear of exposure
- Fear of losing control
When the relationship ends, the sociopath will do everything that he can do, to protect his image. To avoid those two fears becoming a reality, you might be amazed that the people that the sociopath will speak to are YOUR friends.
Remember how in the beginning, the sociopath sold YOU yourself. Using a thread of truth from what they already knew about you, mixed in with the lie, to make his lies sound believable? The sociopath repeats this behaviour, only this time, he will do this to people that are close to you, or your wider social network. His aim is to alienate you from support, and to prevent exposure about how he has treated you. So that if you do talk, you will not be believed and you will seem like the crazy one.
Third party abuse
You might have already realised that whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, he isolated you from friends, family or your wider social network. This would have been done subtly, so that you hardly realised what he was doing. Either by exerting control, real or fake jealousy, telling you negative things about your friends, feeding you false information, telling you that people do not care about you, whilst acting at the same time, like your very best friend, and your saviour and rescuer from these people who are against you.
When the relationship ends with the sociopath, he does exactly the same thing. Only in reverse. This time, the sociopath will
- Mirror your friends (who were previously hurt by your rejection of them)
- Will feed them false information – which sounds believable because they will use a thread of truth (saying things that they already know)
- Will deliberately target those that he knows that you have fallen out with (often because of things that he said or did in the relationship, feeding you false information) – he will use these people to spread lies about you. Making those lies sound believeable by mixing it with a thread of truth
- Will discredit you, using this information, and feeding back to them – positive reinforcements about themselves
- Act like victim
- Will use previous examples… especially using knowledge that they already know (mixed with lies) – this is especially effective if your friend has been hurt by your rejection of them
- Well sell the other person exactly what they want
- Will feed their own narcissistic supply
The sociopath doesn’t think too much about what they are doing. It is natural, defence mechanism reaction, it is their own self preservation. By gaining people on side, and supporting them against you, they avoid being exposed, and to them, they have the ultimate control.
You can be left reeling. Often you have sat at home and done no actions at all. Yet, lies are being spread about you, which have little bearing on reality.
The sociopath is now using third party people to abuse you. The sociopath will always try to get in there first. Remember that he has no connections of his own. Not really. He therefore feels jealous of the ones that you have. The wider the social network that you have, the bigger the damage that can be done. Having observed, you and your life, and having controlled you, the sociopath will know exactly the key people to target. He will affect (if he can) all areas of your life. Leaving him, seemingly the victim, but also the hero, and identifying with them and their needs, and you (the victim) the bad guy.
If you try to reach out for support or talk to others, you might face either
- Overt rejection
- Covert rejection
Overt rejection by others (to your face)
- People not taking your calls
- Not being invited to events
- People stopping calling you
- A blank response when asking for help, and trying to explain what has happened to you
- Leaving your life altogether
- Alienating you
Covert rejection by others (behind your back)
- Seeing you as the perpetrator, not the victim
- Talking behind your back (about you and not to you) – being the source of gossip
- Listening to the lies spread by the sociopath and worse spreading them
- Not being supportive
- Looking at you in ‘pity’ if you try to explain what has happened to you
How this feels, what to do, and recovery
Unfortunately, you are left disarmed when this happens to you. There is little that you can do about it. After all, you are not the master manipulator, the sociopath is. The worse thing, is if you have been unfortunate to meet more than one sociopath in a row. This makes the sociopath’s job relatively easy, as they can build on lies told by the previous one.
Even if this hasn’t happened. And this is the first one that you have met, he will continue with his hate campaign against you, whilst smiling with kind eyes, and appearing to be the victim, and ‘caring about you’. Yes that is right, the sociopath will not talk about you in an ‘attacking way’, he can do, in temper, but not always. Often, he will act as rescuer and carer for your friends. Selling them information that they need to hear, to heal the hurt that they feel about your rejection of them.
For you, this can be absolutely devastating. In truth you have been involved in an abusive relationship, where you were used, abused, and controlled. You now want to go back to your old life. You need grounding and reality. So you reach out for help. But face third party abuse.
You sink further down. Things cannot get possibly worse, you think.
That is the truth. Things CAN’T get worse!
Coming out of the other side, is like passing through a storm. You are stronger than you think you are. Remember this:
- People who genuinely love you and care for you, will love you unconditionally, and no matter what the sociopath says will not be long term affected by anything that the sociopath says
- The real, genuine people in your life, know the real you, the real character, these are the people to hold onto
- That the sociopath would have assessed you and deliberately targeted – those that provided the greatest support for you – (remember this happened in the relationship, when isolating you)
- You might have to, for your own sanity, start very small, even with just close family members, and start again
- Don’t try to change others opinion. It won’t work. The sociopath would have covered their tracks, and will have done all that he can do, to come out of the battle unscathed and looking like a caring angel
- Often they also target people that have previously abandoned you, or caused pain to you. This gives them a) an element of control b) empowerment as now they are joining forces (so it has to be true, right?)
Just salvage what you can. Focus on the inner YOU. Remember that true happiness, comes from within. Only YOU can make YOU happy. Nobody else.
Yes, it is hurtful, but this is exactly what the sociopath operates on. Causing hurt, pain and damage. So that they can make themselves feel better about their own actions.
If you are reading this, if you can identify with this, if this has happened to you. Even if you feel alone and isolated after this has happened. Take heart. You are not alone. I write this, as it happened to me. Just as it has happened to me, it has happened also to millions of victims all over the world.
You are not a victim, you are a survivor. Try not to think about others reactions and don’t fight back. Fighting back will simply reinforce the lies that the sociopath is telling about you, especially if you lose your temper.
Take time out to focus on yourself. Learn to trust you again. Leave it a while, let the dust settle. Remember that you can never change someone else. But you can change you.
Also remember this – lies will take speed….. but the truth will always have endurance!!!
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