The parent, adult and child scenario in the sociopath and narcissist relationship

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You might wonder just how you changed so much whilst in the relationship with the sociopath. Before you met them, you were outgoing, confident, funny, and you lived your life as an adult.

The caring, compassionate person that you once were, tightens up, puts up a guard, and humour  is not so much on the agenda anymore. The sociopath tells you that you are being a nag. That you sound just like their mother (or father). That you have became dull, lifeless, boring. You do not want this to be true, but you realise, that there is some truth. You have indeed changed.

It is not necessarily that you have changed, it is just that being in the relationship with a sociopath or narcissist, forces you to adopt a different persona to cope.

There are three senses of persona that a person has when in a relationship. The healthiest is when both parties are acting as adults. This is the most difficult (and often impossible) to achieve with the sociopath.

The combinations are as follows – each relationship that you are in will always be one of these

Adult – Adult

Adult – Parent

Parent – Child

The healthy relationship – Adult – Adult

To have a healthy relationship, it takes two people in the relationship to act as adults. To act as adults you both need to:

  • Listen to each other
  • Look out for each other’s welfare
  • Be able to put the other persons needs in front of your own
  • Trust each other to do the right thing – trust that your partner will catch you when you fall
  • Communicate effectively
  • Be honest with each other
  • Work together as a team, each recognising the other’s strengths, but helping them through their weaknesses
  • Have empathy for each other

In the relationship with the disordered person, whilst in the beginning they mirror you, appearing very normal, grown up and moralistic. This is because the sociopath is mirroring you. The sociopath is being  whatever and whoever you want to see.

As the relationship progresses, things change, and you are no longer in a relationship where you there are two adults involved. Instead you see a regression. What happens, is that the sociopath starts to behave like the child. When one partner behaves like a child, it will always force the other partner to play the parent role.

When one party acts like the child

The following character traits/responsibility will be present

  • Tantrums and rages
  • Demanding, self focused and needing  their own way
  • Lying and not having respect for the other person
  • Expecting somebody else to solve your problems and be responsible for you
  • Selfishness
  • Short term thinking process
  • Lack of boundaries and poor impulse control
  • Immaturity
  • Unable to handle responsibility
  • Unreliability

When one party acts like the parent

  • Will feel the responsible one
  • Will be the one that has to insist on boundaries and rule setting
  • Will object to unreasonable behaviour
  • Will be the person that takes the weight of the relationship and tries to keep it afloat
  • Will be the reasonable one
  • Will try to be the rational one – the sensible one
  • Will be responsible for taking care of basic needs, shelter, food, health, often finances of the child
  • Can feel burdened by the partner and not appreciated
  • Will feel like the teacher

What happens in an abusive relationship? 

An abusive relationship is an unhealthy one. Any relationship where two people are not acting as adults is an unhealthy relationship.

It wouldn’t work if there were two people acting as parents, each would try to dominate the other. It also wouldn’t work if each were acting like children. Somebody needs to take responsibility.

Being in the relationship with a sociopath or narcissist, will almost always force you (even if this is not part of your natural personality) to act the parent role, as the narcissist/sociopath acts like the child.

It wouldn’t be like this at all in the beginning of the relationship, when the sociopath is acting as moralistic, sensible, reliable charismatic person. You wouldn’t have any idea that this very fun character,  would soon need babying, and that you will be forced into the sensible role of parent.

How does it feel to be forced into the role of parent?

When you are forced into the role of parent, you can feel resentful of the partner. You might try to have ‘sensible chats’ to work on things in an adult way. After all you are deluded by the sense of the’adult’ persona that the sociopath displayed when you first met. Blinded by those first initial illusions, you have false hope that the sociopath will mend their ways, ‘grow up’ and start to act the adult.

The sociopath or narcissist will not do this.

They won’t do grow up and start acting the adult for the following reasons:

  • They don’t have to
  • It is easier and more enjoyable for somebody else to do the work
  • They avoid responsibility by staying in child mode
  • They can also blame you when things go wrong

For you, the victim being forced into the role of parent, it feels:

  • Exasperating
  • Tiring
  • Unsupported
  • Frustrating
  • Boring
  • Unchallenged (as you are always focused on the child’s needs)
  • Unappreciated
  • Undervalued
  • Disrespected
  • Cheated (out of a normal healthy relationship with two adults)

What happens when the victim decides to play the child role? 

Temporarily the victim can become so frustrated in the parent role, that to object they will might slip into the child role. When the victim is playing the child role  they:

  • Give up
  • Complain in a child like manner
  • Cry
  • Withdraw
  • Play games back including becoming manipulative and deceptive

How does the sociopath act when the victim plays the child role? 

When the victim plays the child role, the sociopath or narcissist will be forced to play the role of parent. However, in this role they are very different – in this role, the sociopath acting as parent in the relationship, forces the victim child to comply

  • Uses fear to control
  • Threats
  • False accusations
  • Blackmail
  • Enforcing strict rules and regulations
  • Emotional and mental abuse

How will the victim react? 

The sociopaths parenting strategy, of using fear to enforce control, can be frightening and alarming to the victim. Eventually the victim will need to fight back, and will at first rationalise as the role of adult, but then eventually assumes the role of parent.

When both disordered partner and victim become adults

Sometimes, both parties can take on the role of adult. However this will be very short-lived in a disordered relationship. The sociopath finds it difficult to live life in the role of adult. Often the sociopath can ‘fake’ the role of adult. Sometimes it will be genuine. Often this is a mask of deception as the victim desperately wants and needs an adult relationship.

Sociopaths struggle to act the adult in relationship as 

  • Lack of long term planning
  • Lack of empathy
  • Immaturity
  • Compulsive pathological lying
  • Inability to stop playing the games of a child
  • Lack of concern for the welfare of others
  • Selfishness
  • An inability to believe that anyone other than themselves is right
  • The ability to manipulate, deceive and con others

Short term combinations

The following are more short term combinations. In the relationship with the sociopath it becomes impossible for either party to play the role of adult for too long.

Playing the role of adult (either party) is common at the beginning of the relationship. It is also common at the time of repairing the relationship following a break up.

Adult – Parent

This combination usually occurs, when the sociopath is in the parental role and being overpowering, overbearing and controlling. To try to resolve the conflict the victim will take on the role of adult. This is to try to calm the sociopath down, and to make the sociopath see sense. This could bring both parties temporarily to the role of adult – adult. This gives the victim a sense of hope that things could be ok.

If you think that you have lost yourself, if you think that you have became old and boring. Give yourself a break. Realistically being in the relationship with the sociopath, forces you to act the role of either adult or more likely parent. It is tiring and draining behaving as a parent to the partner that you love. You also feel unsupported. The sociopath might promise that they will change. That they will become more responsible and reliable. They will give you the illusion that they are going to act as the adult. You don’t want them to parent you.  You just want them to grow up. This is not realistic, and will not happen as always they will resort back to the role of the child.

The outcome in the relationship with the sociopath is that you will ALWAYS have to resort to playing the role of parent. This is a dull, boring, frustrating and unsupported role to play.

Set yourself free. Surely you deserve a relationship where BOTH parties can be the adult? This is the most rewarding relationship of all.

Copyright datingasociopath.com 2013

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55 thoughts on “The parent, adult and child scenario in the sociopath and narcissist relationship

  1. Hi Pos,

    I have always been the parent & carer etc….even when I was younger, I would round up my girlfriends & keep them from harm after a night on the town 🙂 I still do it & on our recent trip to Bali, found myself accompanying two of them individually to the doctors for flu & back pain, just like a mother hen 🙂
    My Soc loved me to mother him & rub his feet & cut his ingrown toenail (icky yucky pooey) stuff like that, & he would sook if I cut to close!
    If only I’d let those scissors roam a little up his leg & cut his (oops off 😉
    He never had a problem with his feet because, I always used sterile everything & disinfectant….always wanted to be a nurse 😉
    Gee I hope the OW doesn’t give him a gangrenous toe???
    The OW told me she would never do anything as mundane as cut his nails, his throat maybe but, never his nails…LOL 😉
    Remember I passed his Diploma for him & fixed his fax machine (many times) had his fridge restocked after a power surge that defrosted his refrigerator (yep I wrote to the electricity supplier on his behalf)….cooked his favorite meals & let him eat on my beautiful sofa with a big old tea towel around his neck cause he was a sloppy eater, just like a child really 😉 😉
    I trawled ebay for his favorite Levi jeans (no longer made) & bid on numerous pairs for him & sewed his pants & socks & buttons etc…he always had trouble himself. Fixed his computer…oh the list goes on & on & he did diddly squat for me although he told me he did a lot???
    I now choose to parent & take care of real, genuine people 🙂

    Love & Light 🙂
    PR xoxo

      1. I know I write it in a long winded way. I should just say that being with a sociopath forces you to play the parent role as they play the child. You can never just be the adult with a sociopath apart from when you are trying to calm them down. This leaves you drained and unsupported.

      1. Hey Bewildered ,
        Can’t begin to tell you how exited I am that you are so relatively close to me . I’m in Nassau County (south shore) . Would be nice to meet each other , but I don’t know how to make that happen . Do you have any
        ideas ?
        Greetings my sister !

      2. Hi Ladybug & Bewildered 🙂

        That’s so sweet, you meeting up 🙂
        You can set up another email account i.e. gmail & post it here & then contact each other. If anyone else uses it, you can just delete any unwanted ones 🙂
        Have fun sisters 🙂
        PR xoxo

    1. Hi Ladybug 🙂

      Glad to hear you had a laugh 😉
      I am very good at making people laugh & I often laugh at myself so,I will try & make you laugh some more 😉

      Joke : ‘So far the Mars Rover hasn’t found any sign of intelligent life.
      Guess men really are from there.’ 😉 Maybe that’s where Soc’s come from 😉 hmmm maybe???

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

  2. Hi
    This really hit a cord with me. I always have had a very responsible side as at a very young age I was helping raise younger siblings. I was tall and big for my age, and I think my mother saw something in me that I could handle a lot more then my age. I was 7 almost 8 and had a brother 4 a sister 3 and a baby sister at the time. Because of this I always said I almost raised a baby at 8 years old. I know today my mother was suffering postpartum depression although you really did not hear of that then, and if you had kids would not have known about it in that day and age.
    I think this young upbringing of more responsibility and also being put in a parent role often, made me become a victim for these people who needed me for support and mothering. Don’t get me wrong — I had a decent childhood with loving parents, and I like that I am responsible.

    In my relationship , I was always the mother. Taking care of bills when they were short, paying for all the household stuff, listening to their needs and wants.
    We started out as “adults” but it did not last for long. I helped and helped him until I was frustrated and irritated and was getting so many lies in return I became more demanding.
    I wish many times it had been me who had left the relationship. I was about 2 weeks away from doing it when he disappeared, but I really wish I had done it before. But like a parent I kept trying to fix everything, I kept in it. When I lost my job due to an injury I lost my worth to him and the next three years were not great while he looked for other women who were a better source of supply. It took me a long time to find a job due to the economy , but he did not get that. Thankfully he did not find someone to take him at that time, or he would have left me in a worse situation.

    I want to have an adult relationship in the future, and hopefully find it! All we have gone through we deserve to be set free from our own ties that bind us and go forward!

  3. I don’t think it’s long winded.

    I think reading explainations the way you write, is extremely helpful. It’s like receiving a confirmation that “you’re ok”. It’s so easy to get dragged down with self doubt by their negatice comments, even months later.

    Thanks for writing this…you’re a gem!!

  4. This spoke to my heart. This was me from the beginning of the relationship right to the end of our marriage. I played the parent role and he was the child. Oh man! As much as I am hurting right now, longing to hear his voice POS you publish posts that speak to my soul and strengthen me. Thank you. Thank God for you.

    My husband used me so much. He had no regard or respect for our union. He thoroughly enjoyed playing the child role and he played it well!

    1. Bless you I will rise. I hope that you will be able to see. That once healing is done look for someone who is an adult. An adult will nurture you and support you to grow. A child will drain you and the parent will control and restrain you (how the sociopath is when narc rage or controlling you) I really hope for you that you find the loving caring adult that you deserve.

      1. POS – I pray so, I pray that we all break free from the emotionally bondage that they had us in.

        I pray that one day I will be able to trust someone – an ADULT – enough to fall in love and love again. And not question their every movement and motive and not think that every person is a soc. or is out to emotionally harm you.

        I pray that my daughter (and the many children out there who has a parent who is a soc who has abandoned them) doesn’t go through life wondering what they did wrong for their (in our case) dad to not want anything to do with them. I pray that while she is a baby now, I will gain the strength to carry on and raise her the right way – in love and the security that all children deserve.

  5. I dunno. I kinda feel like my Path was abusive enough that he played the parent role and really beat me down with insecurity for starters. I was “his baby” and he would “take care” of me. .. Except when he didn’t benefit from it. He played that rescuer role between me and my family.

    I have to admit I haven’t been on here in awhile. Been doing great but having a really bad night.

    1. Hi Judah 🙂

      You have come a long long way & some days are hard but, more are getting better 😉 Just allow yourself the ability to feel blue, without getting totally swamped, your human & down time is normal as it makes the good times even better 🙂
      PR xoxo

  6. I just can’t accept that they can’t change and what if they realise they’re different and want to change? Can someone just have narcissistic tendencies? What about if they sort out some of their issues, like the sexual ones, the rest might follow? I know that my ex is narcissistic and can’t let go of wanting to help him as it’s making his life a misery. Plus every time he randomly contacts me and I ignore (3 months no contact now), I just feel guilt and start wishing for the impossible normality all over again. I hate this cycle!!

  7. Hi Pos,
    . only sometimes did he act like the husband, more so like a kid. Always wanted his feet rubbed, hhe had the ugliest feet wit hard callouses, I cooked, cleaned, did laundry , I was a housewife, felt like I had 4 kids instead of 3. At times it was very draining emotionally, and she was forever always cheating on me… Not to long ago he brag about duping me and I’d look at him like you. Son of a bitch, no contact since Ooct 8,, the anniversary was the last draw, 25 yrs. meant absolutely nothing to this shell of a.person. Well itt feels great now, I’m free, my grandchildren come over more now, he got annoyed when they.came, everything’s better now. Thank God for that AHA moment, I still be with this selfish bastard. U have no idea what this site really means to all of us. Thank God for you, and ktjtthis format is beautiful, a whole lot better, keep up the good work Pos.. Llove an peace… 😅

    1. Bewildered ,
      I’m sorry to hear that you ‘re not as near as I thought .
      Would have been nice to meet someone who is going through the same thing , since it is very difficult talking to anyone who is not wearing our shoes .
      I’m so glad we have this site & each other and Positiva to help us along .
      Can’t even think where we would be without the support we find here.
      XO Love&Peace to all !

      1. Ladybug,, I know these spaths spin your head around, I have been with him for 25yrs. Which on our anniversary didn’t acknowledge, that was my aha moment, its been 2 months no contact. He left a vm yesterday that he knows I love an miss him. Really it the other way around. Anyway much happier without him in my sppace.. Love an peace… 🎅

  8. In my former relationship I found that the roles of adult/parent/child were constantly changing between the two of us. When he was emotionally and physically abusive, drilling his rules into me, I felt the cringing helplessness and fear of the small child with abusive parents. I grew up in an abusive home, so this is a familiar role for me. On the other hand he was a mama’s boy and expected me to do all the cooking and housework, and make decisions like where we’d go for dinner, so he was pushing me into the parent role. He’d also play childish games like carrying on with other women behind my back. I sensed these flirtations were partially a game to see if I’d catch him at it or not. He’d flirt with others in obvious places that I’d see, like on his Facebook wall. He was frequently a child, with his yelling, hitting, temper tantrums and sulks. I’d step into the adult role and try to either talk sense into him or manipulate him with my actions, to “be a good boy”. I’d try to carry the relationship on my back when (as usual) he didn’t hold up his end. Or I’d cringe and become the terrified younger child again. Our relationship finally ended because I grew up for good and got sick of babysitting the twisted children’s games – and more importantly, got fed up with feeling like the cringing toddler waiting for the next hurtful blow or betrayal.

  9. Thanks Pos. If you feel like responding feel free. I need to connect right now. This was greatly enlightening! I have to admit, I was able to see myself at various stages of my young adult life in these dynamics. I was mostly a child, though never a sociopath. This child trait of mine trait was erased through my mairrage. I was getting my ass kicked by my narcissistic mother in law and grew up quick. I’m 51 now, and yes thankyou …I like being an adult male and carry that into most of my dealings.

    I remember the adult-adult in the beginning with the SOC, and I remember me slowly (and reluctantly) assuming the role of parent. My SOC had trouble focusing. Back then I didn’t even really know what a Sociopath was all about, much less think she was one. I’m a teacher, have a background in Special Education, and was more than happy to give her all kinds of basic tests to see if she had a learning disability. I could tell she was smart, but had trouble “explaining things” (now I know why), and felt I coudl help her get the right learning-support-resources shoudl she decide to go to a community college. I even sent her to a pyschologist and was tested for dyslexia & ADD/ADHD. SHe was even tested by a psychiatrist for being bi-polar. Nothing…….Alls the SOC said to me was, “stick around …you’ll see..I’m just fucked up. Nobody can figure out why.”

    As an adult entering the relationship, I told her we should kind of take things slow. It wasn’t long before I had to assume the role of parent. After a while that became old because I was the only one trying to make things work. She just kept hiding behind the whole “I’ve got kids” mask as a way to duck out of responsbility for the maintaining her end of the relationship. I felt like shit the night she asked me to ride with her to take her one back to the fathers. I mkust mention she was gracious enough to ask me to ride in the back seat (I could get in the front after she dropped her son off). When I would back off for a few days due to frustration, there she would be at my door crying.

    In the end though, sadly enough, she broke me down to a point of physical health problems….hi-blood pressure…3 visits…..broken ribs….(her 23 yr. old son and a friend tried to jump me….I was in the Spec. Forces…..I returned the favor and broke some of theirs) and she had to assume the adult role. She became dominant, maniulative and demanding and drove me into the ground. Thats when she started fucking around. I became jealous. When I broke totally……she threw me out. I felt every bit like the battered abused child I once was all over again. She said……”see…you try to call me out I put you in your place.”

    I am working very hard to regain the confidence I had as a man before I met her.

  10. Mine always acted superior as he was very intelligent . He tried to force his will and believes on to me . Only I would not comply and that would inferiorate him . He would wave his hand , index finger extended right in front of my face and say ” now u listen to me ” . I never did , guess I’m stubborn !
    I told him a few times over to stop trying to raise me , that my parents already did that many moons ago and I thought they did a pretty good job .
    He treated me like I was 12 years old while in reality I was 4 years older then him . Go figure .
    I gave him a pretty hard time in that I never let him break me .

    Good for me I guess !
    Peace everyone XO

    1. Hi Ladybug 🙂

      Good for you & no ‘I guess’ about it!
      My Soc loved to lecture me & waggle his finger & say, “Are you going to listen now?”….blah blah blah & off he’d go on the same lecture circuit as always. I would pretend to listen & if he sensed that, he would get very annoyed with me but, I would just smile & say, “of course I’m listening, you have told me the same thing many times”…he would then call me a ‘cheeky bitch’ & laugh 🙂
      When my resistance was down, I would obediently listen to his spiel but, mostly it went in one ear & out the other. I realized his ego drove him so, I placated it 😉
      I was very aware of his need to control & appear all knowing but, he didn’t have a clue & I never told him anything I didn’t feel comfortable with…so, I think something deep inside sensed he would use it against me. When I did confide in him, he would later use it against me so, I learnt very early on in our relationship to keep it ‘light’ & hid many things from him…thank goodness 🙂
      I enjoyed his company but, we did not live together & I often felt drained so, quite often was relieved when he left 😉
      He rang me incessantly at work when he was bored & sometimes at night to “talk dirty”, & I would read my book & he would say, “are you listening, are you hot blah blah” & I would say, “of course darling”…have to re-read that page again!!! LOL 🙂
      Oh & I was always ‘hot’, my doona was like insulation 😉

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Hi PR ,
        Mine would at times lecture me as we’ll . Must have had something to do with his superiority . I could not stand listened with one ear only . Good for you that you didn’t reveal to much . You’re such a smart lady!
        Know how they use things against you at at the appropriate time and have felt the consequences . I have been cut , dicected and spit out many times but I could not get out .
        It feels so good to write this on here cos we know everybody here understands .
        He is in Egypt right now and I did something that maybe I should not have done . I just wanted somebody in his circle to know WHAT he is .
        There is this familie that he took me to several times and I have called the woman last week . She promised me to keep it between the two of us . So I told her about this disorder and explained why he could not have or stay in a meaningful relationship . I told her a few things what he did to me and she could not believe it . She knew already that nothing was ever his fault and him always being the victim . I also told her that I no longer believed he was innocent about the attempted murder charges on his x-wife back in 1992 . He spend 13 years in prison came out in 2005 and was on parole until September this year . She told me he had done worse than that . Common , what could be worse than that ; unless he actually killed someone or two or …….
        She didn’t me but honestly what could be worse ???
        I can’t believe how I have lowered myself for this man . My parents would be turning in their graves !
        I have never ran around with an x – convict before in my life .
        Ohhh forgiveness WHEN will it come?
        What makes it even worse is that there are still some strings attached directly to my heart . But I’m better.
        I will let u go for now . Just one word of warning ; mine has a brother in your neck of th woods ( think in Sidney ) who is a Gynecoligist ( divorced) so be aware . LoL
        May Angelwings comfort U and keep U safe XOXO from NY

      2. Hi Ladybug 🙂

        I am smart but, he used it against me & 10 years was a long time to be duped but, I am free finally & this world has really shocked me to the core! I never ever imagined that these types existed & had really only ever seen one in action at work so, was unaware of them in a romantic sense or the magnitude of their behavior.
        Funny thing is, I would never normally have looked twice at this man if I hadn’t been in such an awful head space when he came on the scene.
        My marriage had just ended abruptly & I had to sell my car as it was leased & my ex would not make repayments so, the Soc is a Fireman & Car Dealer & I was introduced by a mutual friend etc…I also fell for the flattery which was instantaneous & intoxicating. Sadly having been dumped made me very open to this sudden attention & I also wanted to show my ex that I too had someone :(….a bit desperate but, nevertheless that is the truth. From then on he had me hooked & years of gaming & lying & control to the final discard led me here 🙂 to you wonderful people all just trying to make sense of an unreal situation.
        Don’t ever doubt yourself or your ability to rise above this & your parents would be proud of you for being you.
        Your a survivor & have had to learn the hard way just how truly amazing you are 🙂
        You are not judgmental & gave him the benefit of your self so, he would have been a better person with you & because of you. Unfortunately he doesn’t appreciate you but, he cannot help that he has no soul.
        You however have a dazzling soul I can tell so, shine your light on the right people in future & you will be fine 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

  11. Morning Ladies & Gents–

    The crap is hitting the fan and once again this article is right on time.

    I have just received counsel that I need to confront father & brothers (3) re: my mom— not sure if/what father is narc/soc/psycho— I have to have exit plan so justice for mom– instead of ongoing craziness/- I have been instrumental in getting home health aide– but my hands are tied beyond– father has control & power etc-/ in addition got into car accident Sunday night snow — looking for job and place to live– staying in recovery, NC and trying my hardest not to run into the arms of another man–

    I know soc helped me to see REAL situation with my parents relationship & my mothers condition — I am the strongest & healthiest — but also the most heart broken and empathic– so many emotions– I know I have been prepared for this, and God is with me. It’s crazy how the time with soc have me a template– I am so blessed to find this site as it helped keep me sane through withdrawals and NC– now I see that was just prep for deeper issues that landed me in soc arms to begin with– my mom has been severely broken over 50 yrs by father– and as a result me too–now I was parentified from a really young age — and it pisses me off I’m being put in the same position— while at the same time the little girl in me is screaming for love and safety– it’s a bit crazymaking– I know Gods will is all of this— trying to find the strength and courage–and during the holidays. I get so much strength reading through posts here– it’s incredible how the purification process and Soc has opened my eyes to the bigger picture– realizing what I escaped on one hand— bout the deep damage too–// now I must confront and sincerely break the pattern and system– I can only do it with God and support of this site, my counselor and 12 step friends. Today I was asked to speak at AA meeting for young people– I hesitate because I’m both the weakest & strongest I have ever been– I need to remember where I have been & all Gods great blessings–so I’m keeping it green and it’s amazing how it has all come around. It’s going to get messy & be painful– but I trust that showing up for myself, and really my mother in this way will give God more room to work in my life—the band aids have all been ripped off–and I think real freedom and love will makes it way into my life once I cut the ties that bind– stop the repetition. Thank you for lettinge vent — please pray with me for Christmas miracles, breakthroughs and EVERY blessing!!

    Also I’m almost afraid to ask ladybug and bewildered — I haven’t been able to track all the details and I pray we are not dealing with same soc– he told me he was single– but he was always going to Rhode Island from LI and Im in NJ–/ on one hand it would be crazy and on the other make perfect sense– just interesting observation I made this morning– Cheerio and peace, EL

    1. Hi Empathic Love,

      It’s hard when you find yourself not only dealing with a Sociopath experience but, then it puts a spotlight on all the dysfunction in your life 😦 I have also had to deal with looking at my whole life, from child abuse to an abusive marriage 19yrs & 10 years with the Soc so, you are not alone.
      If you need to vent, that’s fine & I hope you find comfort & support here as usual 🙂
      Just stay strong as you are such a strong person already to have come this far 🙂 Remember that your thoughts & actions are intertwined so, you must stay focused on the positives & a positive outcome for you & your Mom 🙂
      It’s never easy but, you can do this & you will succeed 🙂
      Listen with your heart as it hears more than you realize & find your higher awareness & then you will be able to deal with all the bad as you will not fear it…. 🙂 :)Desiderata
      Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
      As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
      Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
      Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
      If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
      for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

      Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
      Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
      Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
      But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
      and everywhere life is full of heroism.

      Be yourself.
      Especially, do not feign affection.
      Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

      Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
      Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
      Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

      You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
      you have a right to be here.
      And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

      Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
      and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
      With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

      © Max Ehrmann 1927

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      1. Thank you PR, desiderata really does have all the elements and important reminders to move through life challenges. Also your encouragement & own experience/ breakthrough really does have impact— it’s easy to feel alone & threatened when taking giant steps& emotional risks that can not be avoided– and are necessary to heal, grow up and release. Freedom can feel overwhelming as does captivity. I must be brave– and trust–really trying …. Face demons head on with template learned from soc— atleast it can all go to good use for even larger design 😉 Jesus, I trust in you— staying NC and trying not to give in to any temptations to be rescued or atleast escape with other man/men–still on some withdrawl– though much much further along— I’m trying hard to get involved but all the lonely hearts seem to be out and about— and on to my vibe– not sure what the vibe is– but I don’t want to be soc magnet- so I’m just trying not to engage it– so hard– pace, EL

  12. I have a question ; since this new format started I have been noticing that whole words are disappearing from my text’s . Has anyone else have this problem or is it just me ?!?!
    Thanks XOXO

    1. Hi Ladybug,

      I haven’t noticed any changes with comments. From what I see, I can only see improvement. Before it was a nightmare, especially if comments were long.

      I haven’t read any comments that didn’t make sense to me.

  13. Ps my iPhone auto corrects incorrectly! Omits words and changes them– my computer is down so phone is it for now 🙂 sorry about typos and weird auto corrects that have nothing to do with original word/text —

  14. Bewildered ,
    You must be one hell of a woman to endure for 25 years ! How on earth did u manage ?
    They certenly turn your head around Nd your inside out . I’m still not 100% but I’m getting there , that’s after only 3 years . U seem to be doing OK and I’m so happy for you .
    That VM he send u is so typical for them . I’m glad he is finding out it’s not working any more . Good thing we don’t have to worry about their feelings since they don’t have any . Lol
    I never lived with mine , he spend some nights at my house and so on . He told me that when we get married and live together and his brothers wod come from Egypt to visit, they would get up in the morning and walk around and have breakfast in their underwear .
    I was terrified at the idea and knew then I would never live with him .
    They have no morals no shame or respect . But we knew that already !!!
    Keep going darling better days are coming !
    Are u ready for a hug ? Cos here it comes XOXO

  15. Hi, my boyfriend (and I) have been having to deal with his ex, the mother of his children for 2 and 1/2 years (well, since we’ve been together that is). He is very good to me, and is a great co- parent to my daughter (who goes to her own fathers every other weekend and out for dinner other nights regularly). His ex however, is manipulative, and vindictive. When I came along and she lost control of him she used fear tactics and blackmail to convince him to come back to her and their children. She also found me on Facebook and sent a series of messages telling me how he was hers and I shouldn’t have taken him, that’s a sugar coating and extreme shortening of the intense verbiage she used. When she realized that didn’t work she decided to try to be nice to me, just trying to help a girl out, ya know? HA! That’s another long story, my point is that she was back and forth constantly trying to make me leave him because he is such a bad person that she needs him back, then becoming angry when I wouldn’t believe her. He only continued talking to her because he loves his children and wants to see them, but she will not let him unless very specific mandates, on location, time, and even down to who is allowed to be there with him because she doesn’t “trust” him or other people in his family (including me) around her kids. After a year of not being able to see his children because he was emotionally unable to continue going down that road only to get his heart ripped from his chest every couple days she still calls for money, and he still pays because he loves his children and wants to show them in the only way he is allowed that he loves them. For financial reasons he can’t give as much as she wants and she is livid about this and of course this makes him a terrible shitty father, in her eyes. We’ve tried court and all he got was 7 hours on Sundays with supervision. Which would be fine, if the supervisors weren’t away at college and in high school, meaning they don’t always want to spend their Sundays watching their brother watch his children. It’s a horrible way to treat anyone, and during a few of these visits she tried to use force to see my child, and on another occasion ripped their small one year old out of my boyfriends hands while he was trying to give her (the baby) a hug and kiss good bye, this was over concrete and the baby almost fell. She called the police on him and cps (even my ex will attest that my boyfriend has good character, and there was a witness at the last one who says that what she accused him of doing wasn’t true, he did not get arrested) the list goes on. We don’t know what to do, and I’m tired of having to watch my boyfriend break down over knowing that his daughters miss him, and he misses them, How a human being can tell their daughters that their father and his family want nothing to do with them is beyond me. How could you put another human being through that, let alone your child? If you have any input on what we can do, please, please help! I am at my wits end, I want my boyfriend to be happy, and it kills me to know that 2 little girls are going to suffer, not knowing that their father loves them. I just don’t know what to do. Because of all that has happened, I can now see that the justice system is worthless when it comes to dealing with a female sociopath, unless of course you are the female sociopath, in which case you will get just about everything you ask for.

  16. My sp was the other way round he liked to be the adult and liked me to be his ‘little girl’ he made most of the decisions and often even decided what I would wear and what we would eat….any thoughts people?xx

  17. Yes that post does ring true in a lot of respects.He did do everything to look after me,ran my bath lit candles etc and he developed ‘seperation anxiety’ if I went out anywhere.This got so bad he would even come upstairs when I was drying my hair to check that I was ok.He saw he worried something could happen to me when I wasn’t with him. What he didn’t do was the other parts in the post,he never called me names or was nasty (well apart from all of the lies)! In many ways he was the perfect partner if that makes any discernible sense?

  18. I guess once I had discovered all of the lies he had told me I looked into the idea of him being a sociopath.He meets a lot of the criteria particularly the dishonesty and having no friends or family in his life for certain.He also is big polar and schizophrenic he is on medication for this. Once he’d been caught out and ran away he admitted that this is what he always does….builds a fantasy world and then when the sh## hits the fan he vanishes. He says he doesn’t know why he does it but that he’s had enough of behaving in this way…….confused.com

  19. I have responded to this post previously , however over a year has passed now. I unfortunately have not yet found my adult /adult relationship, but I am definitively open to one now!!

    I kind of had a little bit of a laugh this week . My ex soc’s mother passed away in June 2014 and her and I had remained close despite the sins of her step son. I got a call from his cousin who is handling the estate, and apparently she has left me something from one of her investments. I have no idea how much or anything at this point , and really was not expecting anything at all, so don’t care. Just happy that she thought of me and regarded me in the same light as I did her. I think in her heart she wanted to make up for his shortcomings, but that was not her responsibility, but of course we all aide and abet the soc.I think she loved me too like I loved her, so that is a good thing!!

    He had taken himself off of the will as executor, because of course when it came to that, it was work and we all know soc’s don’t do that.He did not even help clear his Mom’s house out and left it all on his female cousins to do. His attitude was he still gets a cheque in the end– Crass I know, but isn’t that the soc’s way?

    So now he has no idea that his Mom did this. I know he and his new wife would be right pissed, and the idea of that gives me a laugh. Since he was always the child in the relationship, I could see him throwing a tantrum!! I don’t know why it gives me so much satisfaction, but it does and thought I would share.

    Maybe there is such thing as KARMA?

    1. Aw this is lovely!!! How nice that she thought of you, and he didn’t manage to cloud your relationship with her. Hearing that she left something for you, shows that he wasn’t the overall powerful person he likes to think he is. Thank you for sharing, it made me smile too!!!! Bet you are dying for him to know…… you know, he will… cos sociopaths are nosy and they make sure that they know everything lol x

      1. I thought so too — and yes socs are nosy, but his cousin is a strong willed woman and she has told him, you are no longer executor so there are things that are not your business!!! Yes I would love to say to him his Mom left me around the same figure I guess he is getting!! Just for fun.
        However I have not called him of my own accord since Nov 2012 except to leave a message when he left a message regarding his Mom. We never spoke then either ,!!
        I asked his cousin not to let him know, and she told me it is none of his business.
        I will just enjoy my private laugh and have my heart warmed that she remembered me!

      2. 🙂 🙂 🙂 your comment warmed my heart too. You know, living well is the best revenge….. I hope whatever she has left you, you can do something amazing with, for you!! You deserve it!!! I expect his mum knew that too!! 🙂

      3. Thank you — I am beginning to believe I deserve better too! I am glad I went the no contact route a long time ago as this has been sort of my revenge. I won’t speak to him and although they don’t feel, it will sort of irk him because he has to be aware he can’t use me anymore either.
        Who knows though — once him and the wife have split and he is through the money from his Mom , he may try to darken my door again– with a sociopath you can never say never. But on the upside I AM SO DONE WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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