Compulsive lying, Master of deception, Illusion and con artist, sociopath

Can you remember the first time that you caught the sociopath in a lie?

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liar

I remember the very first time that I ever told a lie. I was four years old. I can’t even remember now what the lie was. But I do remember that it was the first time that I had ever told a lie. I was stood outside of my house, swinging on the front gate, talking to another child in the street. I also remember clearly how it felt to tell that lie. Telling lies wasn’t something that I developed a habit for. It made me feel bad. I was as naive in adulthood as I was in childhood. It didn’t occur to me, that there would be people who found it easier to lie than they did to tell the truth.

I think that despite some wisdom, I must have  been fairly naive, as I believed everything that I I was told. Even clients at work, when I had been informed that person was a liar, I STILL believed them. I thought that perhaps they just lied because of their issues with drugs or alcohol, or mental health. Whatever it was. I never really saw it as a big deal. I would prefer to see people as honest. I didn’t suspect that clients were lying, until I found out that they had lied. Even then I made excuses for their behaviour. That was the type of person that I was.

I didn’t  think that regular people, who seemed fairly normal, told lies. I didn’t think that normal people did that. Perhaps I just didn’t associate with people who told lies, or that I was blind to it. I knew that we all told white lies, everyone did that, which really was more in the line of ‘excuses’, being polite and respectful, or saving someone else s feelings. but not lying to manipulate and deceive. Looking back, I probably told the charismatic sociopath this. Actually, I know that  did. I remember the conversation well, in the beginning……

Me: Last guy, I caught him out on a few lies, I didn’t even think that adults told lies.

Him: He sounds like a right psychopath

Me: Lying is the one trait I cannot stand. I cannot be with a liar, if you lie to me, that is it the relationship is over

It wasn’t just words either. I meant it.

So what changed? Why did I change, and why did I allow my own boundaries to be broken down? Why did I change my own morals and values, and tolerate somebody lying to me, when it was a trait that I hated?

He was lying from the beginning, but even at that time, I was still very naive – my LIE-DAR , was never switched on. I didn’t anticipate it expect it, or think that somebody who loved me would lie to me. I wasn’t a total Luddite, I knew that people would lie to save their own ass. But, out and out lies for no reason at all. No. I didn’t expect that at all.

As I write this, it makes me realise, that I really was – just TOO TRUSTING. As I am an honest person, I expect everyone else to be. Of course, this was now, according to sociopath assessment, my weakness. If I hated lying, and I hated liars, nothing would upset me more than to not be believed, to be accused of something that I hadn’t done. Or worse, to be made out to be a liar.

The thing about liars, is that they lie to you, and once you are hooked, it is actually easier to  believe the lie, than it is to accept the truth, that you have been deliberately lied to. This is what happened to me. You see, I liked him. I liked who he was. We had a lot of common interests (that were genuine). I suspected that he was lying from the very beginning, but I didn’t WANT it to be true. So, rather than accept and face that he was lying. I would lie to myself, that actually he probably wasn’t.

I had read those magazines, where people were paid for their stories. It was always ‘someone else’s life’. I never imagined that it would happen to me.

I wasn’t stupid. I was paid to understand behaviour. I had worked with so many people in my work. Most people couldn’t get one past me (in terms of clients at work). I would see it, eventually the lie, with clients. Yet, in a personal relationship, it was different. I never expected a partner to lie to me. This was another thing that I said to him:

If you lie to me, I will find out, I would always know

I wonder now if he saw this statement as a personal challenge?  As swiftly, the lies went into full swing. I do not know whether it was to deliberately deceive me, or whether he grew carried away with the lies that he told, that grew bigger and bigger, until he actually became the lie.

The first time that I caught him lying to my face. I will never forget. It was when he had told me that someone else had said something to him, in a derogatory way. I didn’t know at that time, but the sociopath had read my computer. Again, at that time I was too trusting. I left my computer on, and apps like Facebook were open. I also had a Facebook app on my phone. So information could always be read. I would leave my phone lying around, and leave my laptop open and logged in.

That is the difference between a liar and honest trusting people. As human beings, we always expect other people to be just like us. So, I therefore expected him to be honest (after all, he was doing a good enough job of mirroring me in every other way, so I thought he was just like me) – I am honest, so he should be too. I had no reason NOT to trust him. Equally, as he was the liar, from his perspective he had no reason to trust me.

We had been at a friends, and had stayed overnight. I didn’t know that he had read my Facebook conversation with the friend who said that he didn’t trust him to me, in a private conversation. The friends view had not influenced me in anyway. I am not the type of person to listen to others. I make up my own mind. The sociopath reading that this person had told me this, went into paranoid thinking. This was the first time, that I saw him try to remove someone from my life. Over the years that we were together, he would remove many.

That day, he looked me straight in the face and told me that the other person had attacked him and called him names. I looked at him, I knew the person he was accusing really well, I knew that he hadn’t said the words that my socio was describing. I knew that this hadn’t happened and that he was lying. I challenged him, and said ‘this is a lie. I know you are lying’. He stared at me right in the face, looked directly into my eyes with a fixed stare, and said

I am not lying, do you want to go to his house and I will prove to you?

I stared back into his eyes and simply said

I KNOW you are lying. I know that person really well. I KNOW that they haven’t said that to you

Oddly the image of his eyes staring right into my eyes, whilst I knew he was lying, was an image that was to burn in my head all of that day, and then for the rest of the day. At that moment in time, I was so angry, I didn’t know if I wanted to be with him anymore.

I guess, he remembered what I had said to him, that if he lied to me, it would be over. Rather than being a normal person, and admitting to the lie. He couldn’t really do that, and admit that he had read my personal information, and that he wanted that person out of my life, as he saw him as a threat. Instead, he went downstairs, took a ‘call’, and then suddenly he became panicked. (Apparently) the call was from his ex’s partner. Saying that she had been admitted to hospital. It was critical, with cancer, and she was going to die.

I couldn’t believe the timing of it. I also felt pretty bad, but I didn’t believe him either. His eyes where he had been lying to me, bore into my thoughts. The rest of the day was dramatic. Tears, drama. He took to his bed, and led with a photo of his daughter in a frame, as she was now about to be an orphan.

What do you say in that situation? Realistically, it felt just a bit TOO coincidental. Yet, despite my reservations, I still really didn’t believe him. I was made out to be a bitch, uncaring and thoughtless. Of course, this whole drama  (unbeknown to me) was now going to be an elaborate lie, that would now spiral. Until he became the lie.

He would now spend the next few months with this lie, and it grew bigger and bigger. Until things had gone so far, he eventually left. Well, not before clearing out my bank account.

Looking back, this was one of the biggest signs, lying. I was naive, stupid, just TOO trusting.  I had worked in a profession where I saw the good in everyone. Or at least I tried to, everyone was good, right? We all made mistakes in life, but we all had ‘good’.  I still believed that people could be fixed. This is the way that I used to see life, and other people.

Perhaps it is better that I now see the truth today. Not everyone is honest. Not everyone tells the truth. In fact, there are people, who tell the most outrageous lies, that you would never suspect that it was a lie. Sociopaths lie about things, that nobody else would. They cleverly weave their ability to lie and deceive, with a lack of conscience, and a sprinkling of the truth, to make the outrageous lies appear believeable.

Can you remember the first time that you caught the sociopath in the lie? Why did you stay? What were your views about lying prior to meeting the sociopath?

Was I stupid, thinking that really only addicts and children lied? Or was it that I just simply didn’t WANT to see?

Sometimes…. I miss living in the world where I thought that people were honest.

What are your thoughts?

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389 thoughts on “Can you remember the first time that you caught the sociopath in a lie?”

  1. Hi Pos,

    I miss living in that world also 😦
    Still the initial lie is to test you & the follow up of proving it then becomes a game as my Soc would then manipulate the lie & it’s best outcome for him.
    I remember now once a girlfriend rang me to say he had contacted her fro a chatup???
    I fronted him & he said it was an accident as, he had her number in his phone (for business) & had meant to call another by the same name, for business also…a girl in his typing pool at work to give her instructions re a memo???.
    I was very annoyed at my girlfriend as I had some drama with her at the time (she had a drinking problem) so, I thought she was trying to get at me.
    He used this to his advantage etc…He showed me his phone & sure enough two of the same names came up?
    I now realize years later that when you change phones & port your numbers across then they used to double up!!! I only remembered this recently (doh!) he always had a cover, very clever.
    I have since apologized to my friend but, wish I had listened back then.
    Once they get one over you then the rest is history & they keep you swirling around & have an answer & cover for every lie or a deflection strategy.
    My Soc had other people validate his lies so, every time I got close he would have them contact me….argh the lies were momentous & as you have read from me before, he lied about his own mothers funeral!!!

    Liar, liar pants on fire….if only, that would see them all up in smoke 🙂

    PR xoxo

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    1. Wow so many, but I think the first time it really hit me hard and I had proof it wasn’t my imagination was last New Year’s Eve. He told me he was going on a fishing trip and wouldn’t get back till 3AM that’s why we couldn’t spend New Year’s Eve together. “Fishing Trip” on New Year’s Eve? It didn’t ring true to me so I drove by his house early morning and sure enough OW car parked right in front of his in the driveway. I was sick. I had believed so many lies but this time it hit me hard because there was no explaining it away. I continued to stay with him – I was so hooked. Finally, Valentines Day he said he had to work – again I went by the house same thing OW. I confronted him and had NC for months. During this very vulnerable time I met someone else. I thought he was an answer to prayer. Pretended to be a good christian man, my soulmate, you see where I am going with this. Long story short this one hooked me good – encouraged me to quit my job to work with him full-time, stole over $40K from me. Made all kinds of excuses why he had to keep coming and going over the next few months – just playing with me. They love their games. Leaving the little hints about OW – leaving proof when he knew I would find it. Went NC with second psycho almost 3 months ago. Again, heartbroken I took the first psycho back believing him when he said how much he missed me and things would be different this time. As you can guess – all lies and abuse got worse everytime I confronted him. Now he has moved onto another, still stringing along the “fan club”- I feel like such a sucker. I know better now but just keep wanting to see the good. There really isn’t any with these creators from hell. Starting over again, praying to STAY strong this time.

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  2. I know the first time I felt like something wasn’t right was when I’d had trouble reaching him for a while and when he texted I was like “WTF, where have you been?” and he immediately said “My father has leukemia”. I know now he was deflecting. Of course, when he told me that I would have been a horrible person to berate him for disappearing! However, I remember telling a good friend that it seemed very convenient that he should have this problem to face. It also seemed like a very melodramatic pronouncement. It made me feel uneasy, but I didn’t question him much.

    On hindsight, I know there were many things he told me that didn’t ring true, or puzzling but I just pushed them aside. I guess my instincts were telling me something but I refused to listen.

    My therapist has told me that it’s very important I listen to my gut. When I feel uneasy, She says, I should ask lots of questions til I’m satisfied.

    Hmm … the last night we spent together, I brought up the fact that his father supposedly has leukemia, and my ex tried to laugh it off, saying his dad had lied to him. He also tried to claim that when he’d told me about it in the first place, he’d been sarcastic. He had not! He had been very serious and made me feel sorry for him.

    I can now see that in the last couple of weeks before he broke up with me, I had been saying things to challenge him, and acting in a way that signalled that I was not going to let him get away with everything anymore.

    Also, his life with the OW was offering him lots more excitement and freedom than any time that he spent with me (on hindsight, though, he never wanted to spend much time with me, and blamed his dad for keeping him on a tight leash … ALL lies, of course).

    Actually, I think his dad has massive psychological problems too. He advised me to get over his son by having sex with someone else as soon as possible, and even suggested that he be the one I sleep with (!!!!).

    The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, I guess.

    Bless everyone on this site! You are all lifesavers.

    May we all grow stronger together!

    Reply

  3. Hi Pos,
    I have caught him in so many lies, had proof he was lying, but he continued to lie to me anyway. Then he didn’t know how to act, he became very yancy.. That how it seemed to me. I never had a reason to lie to him, but it is what it is. Its been. 2 months no contact, and I feel better, I miss the illusion but I will be okaee. It takes time as you already know. Thanks for these posts, and zI myself do not have a play pal account, but am going to donate. I wanna donate, your amazing, thank you for being here Pos..Peace an love. Oh yeah I can’t wait to post in your blog when my time is right about recovery and getting in tune with me.

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    1. Hey I cant wait to see your testimonial, when the time is right – and your life is going just the way that you want it to!! 🙂 The sun will shine after the rain.

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  4. I remember him texting me that he was on his way back from a trip. It was in the early a.m. so I was asking if he was coming to see me. He said he would have me come get him at the car rental place. When I texted hours later, he went silent. No response. Nothing until morning. Then I got lies that he was too tired to drive and had to pull over to stay at a hotel. He routinely drives late and I knew this was utter b.s. It didn’t help that his reply didn’t come until later in the day. Way too delayed to be believable if I was of any importance at all. So, why did I stay? Who the &*$% knows, but you can bet now I wish I hadn’t.

    When I had one of my last conversations with him today, I know he lied as well. He was trying to get me to believe he cared about me by saying while I was out of town for the holiday he had driven by to get a paper out of my driveway—he didn’t want it to look like I wasn’t home. I told him, “I don’t get a paper delivered.” So, he tried to say, maybe it was one everyone gets. Now, I know this isn’t true because “the ones everyone gets” are delivered to our mailboxes, never our driveways. He wouldn’t know this. I asked, “Did it have my name on it?” He said he didn’t know but that it was in his trunk. I’m about sure he picked up some other victim’s paper and was just using that line also for me, because it was already handy.

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    1. Ugh, see how they lie, pretend to be the ‘good’ ‘helpful’ person and just how grateful you should be!!!…. I wondered why did I stay. After that, the lies came thick and fast. He left, and I took him back only to do the same again. Over those few years, we split and got back together many times. Each time he would say how he is now going to be honest. But the lies would start creeping back in. But then, I spoke to one of his exes who said the exact same thing.

      What I question of me, is why did I stay? I hate liars. Why did I compromise my own values? I think that I did, because I didn’t want it to be true. I was happier with the illusion. It was less painful.

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      1. I think, like you write it your post, it is almost unfathomable to think that a grown adult would consider lying about something so seemingly trivial. It seems like it should be a juvenile phenomenon that is outgrown in adulthood so, it is just so unlikely that I think we give them not just credit they don’t deserve, but more than because we feel guilty doubting an adult in that way.

        Too, I remember specifically one childhood liar, and her lies were always detectable to me—to everyone, really. It was sort of unspoken thing that we all knew about her. So, to that point, maybe we figure, as intelligent adults ourselves, we would see it coming? I know I didn’t trust my own instincts even after I doubted him. If I had listened to myself instead of him, today would’ve never happened for me. I now mentally associate him with that childhood liar and think, not so different.

      2. Hi pos, for me it was that I wanted to believe the dream so much. He read me so well, he played on my primal desire for a family living happily ever after. and my need to love. Something I had given up on before I met him. He played the part so well, sold it perfectly. That when the lies and red flags started jumping out, I just didn’t want to believe them.

        The first lie I caught him out in was about 3 and a half months after meeting him, I’d just moved in. He had told me right at the start that his “crazy” ex always falsely accused him of cheating on her. Her last crazy insinuation was with his PA Lisa. He told me how ridiculous it was as she was really fat and he would never have sex With someone that fat. Anyway, after I moved in I found a fantasy sex letter from her. I was upset and When I asked him about it he said we were both so so lonely and she sent me 3 letters and then I decided not to go there. He said he was embarrassed that it had got to that level but nothing happened. The previous “she was fat and ugly I’d never go there” forgotten. I let it slide besides maybe that’s all it was. But he still lied to me in the first place, volunteered the info without me even asking and then when I found out the first lie the story changed so smoothly and now I think about it, he did the pity play “we were so lonely, and I was embarrassed” now I know it was just another lie.
        They are smooth, they are subtle and they painted the dream, our deepest desires, so perfectly that of course we wanted to believe them. Add on to that our high level of empathy …
        When I love someone, it’s with every fibre of my being. Of course I wanted to believe him. That’s why I am not ashamed or embarrassed, what did I do wrong? I loved someone. The wrong someone , but it was love. I will love the next guy. But I will be wiser and aware.
        Hopefully the next guy will to some level be my happy ever after. Xx

      3. There is no shame in loving with your whole heart. My wishes for you is that you get your child despite him and that you meet someone who also loves with all of their heart to raise your child with you. This is my wish for you. Merry Christmas and for you having a whole heart to love with x x

      4. Thank you Pos, that is so beautiful and has touched my heart. That is my new dream xx
        Unfortunately not this month. Test results back today. Xx
        Merry Christmas too you as well. I’m sure 2014 is going to hold amazing things for you. Even with ur own healing and recovery, you have helped so many people. You are a beautiful soul xx

      6. Merry Christmas It Is Done 🙂

        I hope you have a wonderful Christmas surrounded by love & light 🙂
        Just keep being you & believing that you deserve all the good life has to offer & never settle for less.

        2014 is a New Year & a great time to renew yourself & your dreams.
        Leave the past behind you & focus on yourself 🙂

        PR xoxo

      7. Mine lied about involvements with others a lot also. He told me he and his ex-wife with whom he has a child, were over sexually years ago. He told me she knew about me, always asked me to go meet her (i didn’t want to). The last straw was me learning he’d lied to her about being involved with me, told her we’d never had sex. From that, I knew he had also lied about the current wife and that being “over” though he hadn’t left her, and that’s when I quit him.

        He also used local girls for their cars all the time, offering to help do some repair so he could use it. I’m sure he was using them in other ways as well. When they would call and text while he was with me, I’d tell him to get out and he would tell me it was business only, that they were calling because he wasn’t where he was supposed to be, but with me instead. True, I’m sure, but “business only” a very significant lie, I’m sure.

        I’d like his current wife to know he is f-ing his ex-wife and lying about it. I’m sure he’s also told her I’m “crazy” and the one pursuing him though. Besides, knowing what he is now, I would be crazy if I didn’t file it under the just-not-worth-it category and let it drop.

        What is reeeeeeeally frustrating, irritating, embarrassing and unexplainable is why I feel like I lost. He told me he wasn’t done with us (I’m sure that’s the truth), but I feel like the rejected one. He has tatted their stupid names on his body. Yes, I know that sounds like a psychopathic display of human trophies/possessions. But I stupidly think, “I didn’t make it to the tattoo stage.” (!!! arrrrgh) How retarded is that?? Why am I applying something wrong to me that I can’t/don’t/won’t fit into his twisted scenario??

      8. My ex has my name tattoo’d on his chest right in the middle of all places. I am the first wife. I think it’s creepy, I wish he would get a cover up. Nope he wears shirts which display it all the time. Seriously? I told him, you branded yourself not the other way a rounded. Haha. He was mad. As I had mine covered 3 months after he dumped me in 2007. What women wants to stare at my name when he’s bared chested? No wonder they all hate me? Lol. Not my problem.

      9. Hi Jusa, my thoughts on the tattoo is probably because he knows it would get to you. They read us and know us remember. He is using it against you. Or maybe because you are the only one that was strong enough to figure him out and he doesn’t want the reminder or this is his punishing you. It’s ok to feel how you do, one day you will think of it as a sign that u won. U got away. U called him out. U stopped taking his bullshit. You went NC. That says to me “you won”. Like with everything with these A-holes, it just takes time for the emotions to catch up to the brain.

        Pos, the test result was negative. I’m now going to start full traditional Chinese medicine. I’m ok. Just scared. I have five frozen embryos left. In Australia you can’t get donor embryos. I will have to go overseas. But fingers crossed it won’t come to that. I’m also going to try one more full round of ivf but I’m not confident with that path.

      10. It Is Done 🙂

        I am sending you loads of loving energy to help you achieve a good result in 2014 with your health & well being 🙂
        I truly believe 2014 will be a great year for you & that you will have a child 🙂 Keep believing & self actualizing the life you dream of & it will be yours 🙂

        Good Luck Always 🙂
        PR xoxo

      11. Thanks PR, I will not give up. I will make it happen.

        Have a merry Christmas! I’m in tassie at the moment, so cold after Sydney!

        Big hugs to you xx

      12. Your a Star so, keep shining 🙂
        It’s a bit chilly in Melbourne also but, at least it’s not hot!
        Take Care & don’t drinky drinky too much 😉

        Love PR xoxo

      13. Haha. Unfortunately (or fortunately) the Chinese medicine diet does not allow alcohol. I will have one or two but that’s it for 6 months – gulp!

      14. It will be worth it & just think of all the brain cells that you’ll keep 😉
        You deserve the best & I know, you won’t give up 🙂
        We are all behind you & wishing you all the very best sweetheart 🙂

        PR xoxo 🙂

      15. Hi Jusa 🙂

        The Tattoo represents the ones he has won over & he never did with you. You were and still are a challenge to him but, he likes to win so, he may be back or just move on?
        They don’t like losing but, once you truly ‘get them’, they realize that they can no longer ‘play with you’ so, like the cowards they are, they disappear & look for more challenges/victims/targets & on they go.

        You will be okay & you must now take his lead & move on 🙂
        I sent you an email 🙂

        I wish you a Very Happy Christmas & Happy New Year.
        Time for you too really grow & create your best life possible. You can do this you know 🙂
        It’s up to you & the power has always been yours 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

  5. I do remember the first time I realized he was lying to me. He worked in the same hospital I did and another girl that worked with me saw him hugging and kissing another girl back where he thought now one saw. She came and told me and I asked him about it that night. He said that the girl who told me was jealous and probably wanted him. He has such a high opinion of himself and thinks that all women want him. After this conversation, I began to open my eyes but just a little. It took me going further into the darkness before I finally woke up and realized I was a valuable partner and he didn’t deserve my love. Unfortunately I didn’t act on leaving until 2 years later. I found out that he was ALL about lying, no remorse, no care.

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      1. My ex made the same comment, (My comebacks are inappropriate). I think they have a hard time when they verbally beat you down, and you come back as REAL YOU, they are like WTF and OH HELL! Hmmm no wonder my ex will only communicate with me via email. Lol.

      2. @ normal, mine would try and gas light me and I would then have a full conversation with him and show him his inconsistencies through reason and logic. Boy did that use to shit him. Near the end he tried to discredit it and stop me from using it “don’t you try and undermine me with one of your “logical” deductions, you just sound stupid when u do that” ummm no- you do! That’s why u don’t want me to do it. He also told me right at the start that he was super intelligent and top of his primary school (later found out he was top pf his class in grade 4 😝) He used to say all this stuff and half the time I would not agree so I would look it up on google and guess who was right 95% of the time… Not him! So he started telling me that looking it up on google was really nerdy and everyone thought I was a loser for doing it. Haha, it didn’t stop me though so he soon got more careful with his “incredible smarts” . You know, he told me about how smart he was to impress me and I remember at the time I started teasing him about it because I thought it was really a superficial thing to say (it was the way and when he told me) he didn’t like that I found it amusing. Oh dear.

      3. It Is Done, you are the smart one & he couldn’t compete ever 🙂
        Remember I completed an Advanced Diploma In Business management for mine (doh!) so, they suck your ‘smarts’ from you & use it to their advantage.
        Yours probably sprouted off all the stuff you Googled to some other person to impress them. When I think about it, my Soc was always coming up with stuff to tell or show me, that he had gleaned off of others but, claimed he thought of it etc…If someone showed or told me anything, I would always give them or the source of the info credit but, not the Soc! He always made out it was his intelligence etc…what a cretin he was, just hoovering up all our intelligence for their own personal use humph! 😉
        Smarter & wiser now 🙂

        PR xoxo

      4. Since most of them are gamblers, when I know I am right I always start out with something simple, like ” I bet you a $1″. Gets them every time. Normal people don’t care. NS “HAS” to be right.

      5. ha ha – so true! I quit betting mine though because his bet was always the same, “You do whatever I say for a full day.” When it turned out what he really wanted were my resources (like to use my $30k car), I pushed back.

        Then he said I don’t honor my bets. Uh. Yeah. He always was someone who wanted to buy you a McDonald’s sundae in exchange for borrowing $100. I told him his “exchanges” weren’t fair trades and you don’t ask people to do more than you’re willing to do yourself. He said that didn’t matter, that when you were “in a relationship”, you give what the other person asks regardless. HA HA HA! Gotta love the manipulation, right?

        I asked, “So, when can I expect you to drop off the jeep for my use?” He said, “Can I get my CDs out of it first?” Later learned it wasn’t in his name anyway. Gotta make it sound good though. I enjoyed pressing on him to put him into the same kind of discomfort he put me in.

      6. Now I say, “I am just content with the satisfaction, I am right and you are WRONG”! Lol. And I would star the calendar, childish yes, but it’s sad someone would get so angry over such a pathetic game. Lol.

  6. Well, my ex was a pathological liar, as told to me by one of his friends and his own sister. I can’t believe I didn’t listen to them. I didn’t quite believe a lot of what he said, but truthfully, at the time I was dealing with my own serious health issues, so I didn’t have the time or energy to hunt for the truth. And he waffled between “love bombing” me and bombarding me every day while I was at work … he was fucking relentless, I had NO peace.

    My discernment has increased dramatically since it ended with him, let me tell you. However, I will tell you what a good friend told me “you are trusting because you are trustworthy”. And that’s not a bad thing …

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  7. Wow the lies were coming in thick and fast with my soon-to-be ex-husband. I remember I think the first lie is when he lied about how many children he had. He showed me picture of a little girl who looked exactly like him and said she was his niece. I finally found out the truth 5 months later. My gut told me that this girl was his daughter but I wanted to believe him. I didn’t want to burst the bubble.

    From the beginning to the very end lies upon lies. Even the OW told me about the lies he told her. As expected she has stayed because she wants to believe he has changed/will change for her. Probably he will. Highly unlikely.

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    1. He won’t change for her iwillrise. He won’t change, because he can’t change. I understand that feeling, not wanting it to be true, not wanting to burst that bubble, and just thinking why can’t you be normal? Sadly they get off on duping and conning. When the lies unravel at the end, you realise that the whole relationship was a lie. Your head is left spinning (or at least mine was).

      Reply

      1. My head is still spinning @POS. I’m still trying to work out if there was anything that was true. Nearly two months on from all the bombshells I’m still reeling…

    2. Hi IWILLRISE,

      The OW in my saga also stayed & we actually met & had a giggle over some of the ridiculous lies he had been telling us both! I have emails from her etc…where we discuss in detail some of his ludicrous behavior.
      I cannot fathom staying knowingly, as that was enough confirmation for me that he is a loon ;)….
      Still, the OW’s will find out the hard way eventually but, they are not our concern, we are 🙂
      Fancy he said the same lame lines, gave us the same gifts & she stayed on for more of the same lame game (sigh)…
      Oh well, ‘There but, for the grace of God go I’ but, not willingly???

      Be strong & continue to rise 🙂
      PR xoxo

      Reply

      1. Hi PR
        Speaking of gifts, he was always saying he wanted to get me a gift but couldnt think of anything perfect enough. Hah! All his money was spent flying to see tge OW in a different city and buying her gifts I bet.

        It was such a punch in the gut when I recently saw a pic of him wearing an expensive shirt I’d bought him and he was embracing her … just abt a week after I’d given him the shirt and he was supposedly having some *me* time cos he was missing his siblings. What a bastard to play on my sympathies.

        I really cant understand why the OW stays with him and how she likes to imply that her motives are unfathomable to a mere mortal like me.

        Oh boy I hate them both. Not her fault but now she knows the deal … I do find crimes against other women particularly abhorrent.

        Thanks for sharing.

        Xxoo

        Oneredflower

      2. Hi One Red Flower 🙂

        Just concentrate on YOU as you are the most important one 🙂
        Just for interest, the OW in my life teaches & lectures on human behavior a Dr of Sociology at a major University here where I live.
        She has stayed knowingly & openly said in an email to me that she was too weak to boot him out, I suspect it’s financial & as she is loaded & has loaned him money etc…finds it hard to extricate herself, not too mention she has a few failed relationships so, is very embarrassed to have been duped 😦
        He has done such a snow job on her, she actually believes his schmoozing, ‘your the only one I can be myself with’, ‘you are my possession’ etc…& he asked her to marry him!
        Even when the proof was literally sitting opposite her (yes we met), I had been involved with him for 10 years & of that 10 she, had been involved for 3 1/12 at that stage. She contacted me via email to find out who I was & it grew from there & here I am 🙂
        I have been on here for a long time & come to support & reflect mainly as I am now 8 months down the road to complete freedom & recovery 🙂
        You will get here as I was once where you are & I’m doing very well, I am going to write my book in the New Year…LOL….My story like so many is amazing….he collects Royal Doulton Lady Figurines & his son collects the Predator figures from the movies….really creepy BIG RED FLAGS.
        I was oblivious but, then again I did not ever live with him & he is extremely high functioning with two jobs & one with great responsibility etc…so, a bit easier to hide behind the charade! I was also suffering great stress when he arrived on the scene & over the years, trying to battle my ex & raise two children, nurse elderly parents & so on & so forth, I was just treading water to keep myself up & afloat.
        He gave me perfume I didn’t like & I know of others & the patterning is amazing! He did give me a Mimco wallet I like & I made him buy me the perfume I like last Christmas & he left me the receipt to see how much he’d spent! He had a lot of money but, never did anything unless he got points for it…paid by credit for flyby points which he uses to go away with the OW’s & bunks in with her to save on accommodation…LOL so, always a payoff, always! 😉

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      3. Oh boy. More like her “morals” are unfathomable to a mere mortal like you. Can you say “delusional”? Through this, I’ve learned people can justify about anything. We should be able to relate though, as we were walking a fine line while wanting to believe our abusers who presented us their loose excuses.

        I remember I guy I used to write while he was in prison. He had told me he once had a string of women. I asked why they would do that, to which he replied, “Some women will accept anything just to say they have a man—even if I deny them!”

        I’m sure this is one of the reasons my soc’s OW (and actually his wife did the same when she learned about me through a phone text HE left for her to find) made a point of letting me know he wasn’t claiming me, as it’s just an obviously degrading thing. But he wasn’t claiming them to me either! It’s as easy for us to justify our experience to ourselves as it seems to be for us to disqualify their’s.

        He was trying to move in with me—I dropped him back off at his wife’s house after I saw a little of his act the first day. What he was “offering” was not what I was saying I was looking for.

        Both the OW and his current wife are willing to accept lower standards of relationship than I (and apparently, you) are willing to. Be glad you have higher standards; there’s no honor or reward in being manipulated by a self-interested fool.

      4. Hi Jusa 🙂

        Yes, so true & i think my Soc sensed that I would not accept the knowledge of others whereas his ex-wife & the OW will & does.
        That’s probably the most telling thing to me is that difference & his always knowing that I would never stick around if, I was aware of his proclivities. He said to me on numerous occasions that, ‘I would eventually leave him for someone younger’ etc….& ‘that I deserved better?’ Hell Yeah, no one deserves a Sociopath even if they think they can’t do better.
        Better off alone than alone with a Soc!

        Talk soon as I have been very busy of late, which is a good thing 🙂
        I hope your doing well? Keep your chin up, better things are coming 😉

        PR xoxo

      5. Hi Jusagurl
        Thanks so much for responding. It always helps to get feedback.

        The OW has said that the only reason I’m not still with him is cosbhe chose her, not me. Sure, I believe she has always been his preference but I would NOT stay with any man knowing he’d lied and cheated and manipulated.

        I’m trying not to think of her. I dont want to think badly of another woman but it’s hard.

        Pray for me please just as I pray for everyone on this site.

        Love and light
        OneRedFlower

      6. Hi 1redflower 🙂

        Its called ‘Torture by Triangulation’ I posted it here ages ago about the Soc pitting women against each other & the eventual ‘winner’ feels like the chosen/special one etc…it’s part of the game & it seems to be that the one left is the biggest fool/dupee as they will stay in the game knowing that the prize is a cheating pathological liar! So if you got pushed aside then YOU are the true winner, you have your freedom & life without a disloyal, conniving, creep.
        You have lost an illusion,nothing more than a con artist.
        The best part of him was You & his mirroring of YOU 🙂
        In fact she probably sees a lot of you in him & thats the bit she likes 😉

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      7. Hi PR
        What you say abt her seeing parts of me in him … well … I’m an editor and writer, and I encouraged him to write. Before I did it didn’t occur to him to try. And, lo and behold, and are now both writing for the online section of a newspaper based in her city.

        This annoys me no end. 😦

        Arggghh. 😛

        But you’re right. I’m free from him and his trickery and lies – that’s what truly matters.

        Love & Peace

        OneRedFlower

      8. Hi Oneredflower 🙂

        Don’t feel alone, I completed an Advanced Diploma in Business Management for my Soc, & he didn’t even invite me to the ceremony!!!
        But, he did show me his photo, proudly accepting his diploma in front of family & friends. He took me to dinner as a thank you for all the hours I put in! LOL they really are stinkers aren’t they 😉 🙂

        Love & Light & keep writing, this experience opens up the world of enlightenment & awareness so, write about that. 🙂

        PR xoxo

      9. Hi PR
        OMG stinkers to the max!

        My ex loved to tell me how he made people do things in such a way that they would think it was their own decision!

        Why did he tell me? Was it boasting? I must say he really loved to talk about himself. And he repeated the same stories sgain and again. Come to think of it it was like they were scripted. The same words, expressions always used.

        What odious people these men are. They rally need s good hiding, hahaha.
        Love and peace
        OneRedFlower

      10. Hi me again 🙂
        Oneredflower, mine was the same & often repeated conversations we had over & over & over & I was with him for 10 years so, he was on auto play for sure 😉 Blah blah blah…I used to actually think that in my head as he waffled on & on 😉
        Mine was obsessed with asking me about my relationship with my ex husband & I would tell him it wasn’t his business & I didn’t want to dwell on the past etc…but, he never let it go & constantly asked & said, “if I ask you then it is my right to know”, I just flipped it on him & said, ‘You first, what was your marriage etc…like & he would drop off the subject…til next time argh!!! He always wanted to know everything & when I asked him, he would change the subject. He even wanted me to tell him about my girlfriends sex lives & I told him “I have no idea”!!!
        When I read this, I think to myself, you goose the man was nuts & what the hell did you see in him???
        The fact of the matter is, I see nothing now the mask is off except a very odd little creature with a very sick & perverted mind!
        To think he holds a high ranking in his job but, underneath the uniform he’s a cretin 😉
        My original story is under ‘My Story’ section in older comments back in June 14th if you want to read the saga that brought me here 😉

        Just focus on yourself as the healing takes time & these weirdo’s really do suck the life out of us like vampires & it takes a few transfusions of ourselves to get it together 😉 😉

        Love PR xoxo

      11. Hi PR,

        Welcome back – and I hope your Soc cosi brought you a bit of fun in Bali 😉

        I like your reference to vampires and needed transfusions – that’s so perfect. He sucked the life right out of me and I need so much energy and focus to stay on the path of healing – it’s exhausting. In constant need of transfusions – which is why I come here for my doses of sanity.

      12. Hi Prophette
        Reading abt everyone’s experiences does help tremendously.

        Hope you’re doing great.

        I’m in Chiang Mai now and was in Bali in Nov. Ganesha and real elephants work wonders on me 🙂

        Love and Peace
        OneRedFlower

      13. Hi OneRedFlower,

        Thank you for the message – and I am so jealous of where you are! What a wonderful place to do your writing…and I’m certain a hug from an elly would do me wonders right now 🙂

        Your post earlier today was inspiring – we do need to focus on the healing as opposed to the abuse. I was doing so well there for a while, but am having a bit of a tough go the past few weeks. I am 14 months into a break up from a 3 year relationship…was hoping to have been all done by now, but nope, still taking it one day at a time. These freakin’ triggers keep getting me. Ugh.

        Congrats on doing the PhD next year – good for you!

        Prophette

      14. Dearest Prophette
        Isn’t it awful when you feel great one day and wake up the next back to square one (so it seems)?

        It’s the one step forward, two steps back phase. Horrible 😦

        But we’re all getting there and with each other’s help we’ll beat those loonies 🙂

        Feel free to email me at oneredflower@gmail.com.

        I hope to be of help to anyone and esp if other Malaysians have the misfortune of letting sociopaths into their lives ….

        Oh and thanks for the goid wishes re my phd 🙂

        Hugs
        OneRedFlower

      15. Oh OneRedFlower,

        I always know I’m in trouble when the kindness of someone on here brings me to the point of tears – which your note just did. It just makes it all the more real when a complete stranger feels compelled to respond and help me – but he was able to completely ignore every message of mine when I was seeking help.

        You described it perfectly – it is the world’s worst feeling thinking you are on the mend and in a good place – to then wake up with this crushing pain in your heart that just doesn’t seem to want to go away.

        Thank you so much for your kind words. I was always a good person who appreciated the kindness in people – but after this event, I feel empathy at an even greater level and appreciate it so much more. You are a wonderful person.

        Hugs to you as well,
        Prophette

      16. Stay strong. I’m sending you good vibes from peaceful Chiang Mai and if you email me yr snail mail address I’d kike to send you a christmas card from Malaysia.

        Hugs and warmth and blessings
        OneRedFlower

      17. And I too will send you good vibes from Canada. Because unlike a Soc, it does make me feel good to help others.

        Blessings to you as well.

        Prophette
        xo

      18. I was in Bali in Nov 🙂 from the 14th to the 19th, stayed with girlfriends at a villa in Semanyak….dreamy 🙂
        When were you there & where?
        PR xoxo

      19. Hi PR
        I just missed you in Bali! Was there from 8-12 🙂 My second time and I stayed in Ubud, like the first. Find it very peaceful … even if I was there with my kids 😉

        I’m now in Chiang Mai with my daughter who is 8 and one of my best friends 🙂

        Hope Bali brought you blessings and peace. If you’re ever in Malaysia let me know.

        Love and Peace
        OneRedFlower

      20. Hi Oneredflower 🙂

        Ubud is gorgeous but, I didn’t get there this time but, like you have been before 🙂
        I went with girlfriends to mark our 50th birthdays so, we relaxed a lot, shopped a lot & generally laughed a lot with the odd Bintang & champers 😉
        My daughter is 21 & just back from Malaysia & actually celebrated her 21st there with her partner who is Vietnamese/Chinese & a really lovely guy 🙂
        I live in Melbourne Australia & likewise if your ever over here, drop me a line 🙂
        Keep writing & enjoy your time with your daughter & friend 🙂

        PR xoxo

      21. Thank you, PR.

        Have a good day 🙂

        Sending everyone good vibes from peaceful Chiang Mai 🙂

        Love
        OneRedFlower

      22. Hi Prophette 🙂

        I had a ball in Bali & the sisterhood was in fine form 😉
        It is exhausting, not only the break down of a relationship but, all the stuff that comes with a Sociopath experience is mind blowing to say the least.
        I have found myself absolutely amazed at the magnitude of them & their effect on all our lives, WOW it’s been such a major journey!
        Like you I come here for some clarity a midst all the insanity that the Soc has left me reeling with. Everyday is a new day & I start off just thinking that, ‘today is a good day, your awake so, that’s a good start 😉
        Now keep moving forward & leave the past behind you’….easier said than done but, it puts me in the right frame of mind & if we can survive this torture then we can survive anything 🙂
        Stay strong & make your focus you & your well being.
        It does get easier but, life will always test you & you are much stronger than you think 😉
        Think strong thoughts & read about strong people (Mandela is perfect) & then be strong 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      23. Thanks PR,

        I do need to start my days once again with a survival mantra. I’ve fallen off the “be strong” wagon before, so I know I just need to dust myself off and try and get right back on. But as you say, it is exhausting. How much longer can this torture go on?! I just want to live my life and feel completely indifferent about him. Unlike with a normal break up, there is so much to deal with when you’ve been with someone who has no sense of empathy whatsoever. It’s devastating.

        You continue to be a great inspiration – thank you.

        Prophette

      24. Prophette, 🙂
        I don’t think we will ever truly ‘get over it,’so to speak but, I think we learn to live with it & acknowledge that it did happen & that we are okay 🙂
        It’s a bit like being haunted by a ghost that left the world unhappy 😦 Every time they are allowed back into your field of awareness, they will bring down your energy so, the trick is to raise your vibration so, the bad vibes cannot penetrate.
        This takes time & practice & visualization. You must practice this presence of mind & stay in the here & now. When your feeling low, look within & garner all your reserves & find something positive to bring your focus back onto yourself 🙂 it can be like swimming in mud some days but, keep swimming & pushing through it 🙂
        This is truly hard & life does keep throwing stuff up that you can chose to throw back or catch,it really is up to you…& you are never alone 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      25. Thanks PR,

        I completely agree that we’re never going to fully “get over it” – I’ve even said the same to others on here. I guess what I’m waiting for is the day to come when it just doesn’t hurt so bad. I want to be able to see this as something I survived and learned from – but not have the pain and sadness be so acute. Does that make sense? I never want to forget what he did. I want to turn that into something positive and be a better and stronger person for it. I just wish this sadness would subside…

        As always – your words mean a lot. And thanks to Pos and all of you on this site, I do not feel alone.

        Be well.
        Prophette

      26. Awww Prophette 😦 the sadness could be depression, especially if it’s not lifting & keeps looming up in you 😦
        Have you been to the Drs or are you getting help, i.e…meds etc…it helped me initially to get some sleep so, that my mind rested & my reserves came up 🙂
        I recently was diagnosed with anemia so, have been thoroughly exhausted & the Soc experience has been undermining my health so, I am currently trying to re-energize but, I know how hard it is, especially when your body is out of sync 😦
        I go the gym 3 days a week but, makes me even tireder but, I will persevere Or fall flat on my face trying 😉

        Just take care & hang in there & rest heaps, a New Year & New You are coming YAY, time to literally start afresh 🙂 😉 xoxo

      27. Hi PR.

        Will definitely read yr story. Omg 10 years. He was only in my life 5 months and I feel like a train wreck. Actually I *felt* like a train wreck. Not anymore, thank goodness.

        Love and Peace 🙂

        OneRedFlower

      28. 🙂 Oneredflower just remember this, “The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword”, & the Soc may just impale himself hopefully 😉

        Keep going forward & you will be fine 🙂
        Good luck with your PHD, the world really is your oyster, you know that don’t you. 🙂 🙂
        PR xoxo

      30. I know how you feel. I believe the OW of my ex-soc feels like she somehow “won” too. But, I liken it to an episode of “The Devil You Know”, where this woman was on there defending her husband after he was being tried for different things, including attempts on her life, saying there is NO WAY he could’ve done that. Cheated, okay, yes, she could buy that, but wanting her dead?

        The advantage the soc has is the completely delusional buy-in of a victim makes them malleable. The OW may have enough experience to know what the soc is, but that she will accept him ANYWAY? That level of control must be entirely intoxicating to think that a woman will give up herself for him, knowing at a foundational level that he doesn’t care back (after all, he chooses others in her absence, right?)

        I wouldn’t spend too much thought on the OW. It is her own struggle for her way back to her soul… if she ever finds it. You already know the soc is nothing to miss. I can only reiterate to you that it isn’t you or that you are somehow less, that he is the problem. But it is YOU who must buy into that knowledge. 😉 Much love.

      31. Hello Jusagurl
        Thank you so much for the encouraging words.

        When I made the mistake of reading her tweets I saw that the OW had written “I don’t care if I’m delusional so long as we both believe the delusion” or some such crazy statement. OMG. Stupid woman.

        I feel like I’m returning to the me I was before he came into my life. I accepted stuff about him that would have been total deal-breakers usually and I think it was because I was focusing on the parts of myself he was mirroring back to me.

        My therapist feels I was on a quest to find myself and it just so happened that this bastard came along and gave me what I was looking for.

        I’m writing a couple of short stories abt the experience. So, thanks to the Evil Bastard for the material. I’ll choose to benefit from what he did.

        And I think it’s important that instead of thinking of how we’ve been abused, we turn things to our advantage and focus on how the evil bastards in our lives have left us smarter and stronger and more empathetic.

        We’re not broken. We are loving, whole people who have the capacity to feel real and true emotions. Our lives will go on and we will do amazing things (I’m doing a phd next year) whereas the bastards’ lives are stuck on pathetic repeat cycles. Got to feel sorry for those idiots. Haha.

        Love and Peace to you and all the other whole and triumphant survivors on this site,

        OneRedFlower

  8. I too have extreme difficulty lying, when I was 4, my mother spanked the day-lights out of my behind, and as I got older I never could remember the lie to begin with, causing more butt whippings, so why bother – just tell the truth less punishment!! My ex, I realized he was lying when a girlfriend asked me where he was, I said he was pulling 2 double shifts and was staying at “drea’s” house a friend from work. In my ignorance, I believed him when he said “Andre”, (Andrea, ex wife #2). My girlfriend said “A good family man would bring his ass home every night to his wife and family, just so you know”. It hit me, he was lying. I had to excuse my self to be physically sick, he had been telling me this lie for at least 3 years, not just this person name but several others. About a month later I called him and her out. He still to this day denies it, she just kept her mouth closed, if your guilty you plead the 5th, and hang up on the wife. Lol! I too miss the innocence, the only way I can compare it – it’s like being crushed when you find out Santa Clause is pretend. It’s a magical innocence once it’s gone, it can not be replaced.

    Reply

  9. The first time I was with my “Pinnochio” I was just 18, when the relationship was over I remembered that I was left with this feeling of untrust that literally mark me for a lot of years. His first lie was at the same time that I met him, he presented himself with another name, hours after that he told me his real name, saying that he can trust me, so he can say his real name. ..he was just 23 and the list of lies go bigger
    -we met at the university, he said he was studying medicine, he even carried textbooks and we went to study together at the library(the reality he was a dropout of the high school, the books were from his sister who was studying medicine. I didn’t know this until we met again 22 years later)
    -when we met again he said he went to the army where he become an official, he said that he went to different wars and described to me the places he visited, how hard was everything and that he can’t stand war movies because he has Posttraumatic stress disorder, that he had been injuried on war and that was the reason he had to left the military and that it’s how he get his veteran pension, he had his arms tattooed with military phrases and the places he was on war time. (He never went to any war, he wasn’t an official, all his time on the Army was spend or in the military jail or on a military psychiatric ward, his pension was the result of a good lawyer who convinced them that his condition was the result of his time on the military. He justifies his lies to me saying “I was ashamed”, but at the same time joke about how easy was to lie to the government and saw his ability to lie as an assessment and accomplishment)
    The list goes on and on…and now, as it happened when I was 18 I’m left with the same feeling, as if he killed my capacity to trust

    Reply

      1. He said that his big stomach area scar was made when he was injured at war, now I know it is an appendectomy he had when he was a child. All his life is a big li that he keeps repeating to his new prey.

      2. I was told that he had metal in his face, after his face had to be reconstructed – after a terrible accident (the same ‘accident’ that he would duck every time a bus went by because as he had ptsd due to the accident.

        🙂 🙂 the accident never happened. His cheekbones were made out of bone not metal – just like everyone else.

        Oh and the scar on the stomach was by a shark….

      4. Maybe they just want to be the “bionic man” 😎 it is as if they are bored of their life or ashamed of who they really are and decide to create an alternate reality…mine goes so far on this that send me a photo with his “green beret” and photos that he “took” when he was at war, he even declined to travel with me to Panama (where I had an work seminar) because it will be bad to his emotional health when he saw the same place he had to arrive on a parachute to capture Noriega…! OMG!

  10. great post pos! this brought up a lot of stuff for me this morning reading thru it.

    my s-path told so many layers of lies it is hard to recall the 1st – but then after thinking about it, i remembered – woke me up more today to the s-path tactics you so often pin point. they are so f’ing crazy…

    so here’s my story – after we’d been seeing one another for about a month, he wanted to have ‘the talk’ about where our relationship was headed. he said ‘looks like this is getting serious so shall we start saying we are a ‘couple & exclusive’? (looking back this was such a joke really, but nonetheless, the first and most important lie i was told by this schizo fraud.) he then asked me what my ‘rules’ were. weird question i thought but my response was “well, you can basically live you’re life as you chose and i want you to have freedom BUT, if we’re together, i’m the only one, it’s a one man show and i won’t tolerate cheating, period”.

    his response “ok cool, well i’ve been involved on/off with a few people but i’ll call them up and let them know i’m off the market… i’m not a cheater i can assure you, i’m the person always telling folks that cheating is the worst form of humiliation toward a partner”. he also told me he’d never felt this way about anyone else before yada, yada. all smoke and mirrors in retrospect.

    well moral of the story – 12 months later, i am still finding out about people he was with while we were together. random strangers, people from his past, people i knew that he tried to seduce, the list is seemingly endless. but it really just occurred to me how ironic that my #1 rule was no cheating – and thats all he ever did – until the bitter end.

    Reply

      1. i couldn’t have put it better – ‘own and possess you whilst keeping their freedom’. i felt so trapped whilst he was off in philanderers paradise. the irony of it all – the 1st lie he told me was also the last lie he told me.

  11. i feel like if i’d told him my #1 rule was ‘no eating fish’, he’d have opened a seafood restaurant behind my back – why on earth do they do this? is it the thrill of duping or some kind of twisted control thing?

    Reply

    1. I think it’s a self-esteem issue in some ways. My ex-soc used to sort of giggle to himself often. I’d ask what he was thinking about, but he never would share it. I told him, “What good does it do to have a private joke with yourself if the other person doesn’t know what you’ve done/are thinking?” He said it was for him, or did something for him.

      I’m sure with the things he was doing, he couldn’t tell me without jacking us up. I also think, since the soc knows what he/she is, at a gut level, the person would have to know he/she is fundamentally flawed. It would seem natural that the soc would look for any advantage or way to feel superior. It is impossible for them to deal direct. To do so would blow their operation. So, they deal indirect and puff themselves up with distorted beliefs inside their own heads.

      Reply

    3. Hi Socioexed 🙂

      Mine told me he had no time for people that lied ahh Mirror Mirror on the Wall….yep that was him mirroring me 🙂
      The lie gives them the power as once you swallow one lie down then it’s open slather & the bigger & more outrageous the better….My Soc went on a terrorist training course (aka holiday with another woman) & went into great detail about the covert nature & confidentiality etc…
      Totally delusional but, unbelievably believable. He’s a commander in the Fire Brigade so, I assumed he was legit! He even showed me top secret doc’s once!! I didn’t really absorb the info as I felt guilty being privy to it & thought he really trusted me in order to confide his top secret info too ;)….LOL what an absolute ball he had playing with me & my innocence 🙂 still here I am & free of La La Land 😉
      The hardest part is the knowing & the realization that these ninnies exist, really takes the cake 😉 & there’s no party without cake! LOL 😉
      Blow out the candles & wish for a Soc free life….BIG BLOW!

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

      Reply

      1. hi phoenix!

        yes, the thing is once they start, they forget and can’t always backtrack… thats how i cottoned on. that and i was playing detective half the time because my intuition was kicking in – but like all of us, i ignored it for as long as i could. you’re dude sounds outrageous! ofcourse the lie was to cover up cheating – they love getting away with it. they think they’re slick, smarter than you, its a big accomplishment for them somehow. well i guess these guys are out of our lives, i’m still so haunted though. last night i dreamt of him for hours and hours. woke up sick to my stomach because in retrospect, i could see the trail of destruction and how wounded i am now… from lies.

        god i hate s-paths, narcs and psychos. all the same to me. ugh.

      2. Hi Socioexed 😉 yes they are all a waste of space as far as I’m concerned.
        Did I mention that on one occasion he lied about being on a secret island in the Pacific with 12 others on a special training course where, they were subjected to extreme temperatures whilst having to control a major incident 😉 Oh & of the 12 only 2 passed 🙂 Guess who was one of them….Awww your so right, my little butterball Soc 🙂 It’s a wonder he didn’t have a stroke from all the weight he carries etc…;)
        Still, had a fantastic tan considering he was sequestered in a special unit without basic amenities etc…sitting by the pool sipping cocktails more like it in some luxurious resort with the OW!
        What a guy! LOL

        PR xoxo

      1. yes… absolutely no conscience. when you have one, its impossible to understand. but as pos says, the answer is quite simple… they con and cheat, because they can. theres no rhyme or reason to it. thats also impossible to understand. its like, why would you waste your time? i guess they don’t have anything better to do?

      2. yes indeed it is true. pos i would like to coin a new term if i may. narcio-path. i think thats what i was with, a heavy weight narcissistic sociopath combo. was incredibly self obsessed, physically and otherwise. really paid attention to his looks, pathologially so. suddenly started going to the gym like crazy… i’m thinking why? well we all know why. somatic narcissists use their looks to lure victims i’ve been reading. my guy def fit into this model. sex and affection started to get with held, which was very painful on top of the lies and cheating that were going on.

        interestingly i went to pick something up from his mothers place just before we broke up (well i kicked him out – but of course he ended it) and she said some interesting things to me that now make alot of sense. she said when he was a child he used to have these imaginary audiences and would give lectures like a professor – we’re talking 8-10 yrs old. she also told me she had kicked him out several times in his late teens and early 20’s, her current fiance basically told her it was him or me… she also told me the most difficult thing about her son was that he ‘tells you what you want to hear’. i think she knew what i was dealing with… but was indirectly hinting at it.

        imaginary audiences, repeated patterns of disrespectful and selfish behaviour leading to getting thrown out of peoples homes, lies and with me, cheating. i mean if your own mother says these things about you… how could i ever question if he was a sociopath with narc tendencies. which i did for a long while because i thought i was the crazy one.

        just wow – did you ever have any communications with your ex’s family, and if so, what did they say?

        xx

      3. My ex’s dad just thinks his son is young and immature. He thinks his actions aren’t odd. Then again his dad isn’t quite right either, having been married 15 times. He’s Egyptian and apparently it’s common to have short-term marriages there. I can only imagine how one’s perception of women and relationships is shaped when one’s dad has been married 15 times!

        Plus he tried to suggest that I get over his son by sleeping with someone else as quickly as possible and even suggested himself!!

        An odious father and son.

      4. Ewww 😦 that is odious & Icky poo!!!

        My Soc is 58 & has his son (late 20’s) by his side grooming him!
        His son new about me & the other woman/women & sat & barefaced lied to me to keep his fathers terrible game going! Really awful to know what an example my Soc sets for his son. The OW knows about the son & agrees with me but, still she stayed?? So the games will continue as he has his son, daughter & sister in on the act! What a despicable family they really are :(…his daughter had us both over (separately) for dinner & his sister did also???
        I am free of it but, can only imagine all the drama that plays out within that loopy la la family 😉

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      5. Hi PR
        Loopy family indeed!

        I guess sociopathy is mainly the result of environment? But also someone must have tendencies and the potential in the first place.

        My ex pits his paternal grandmother snd mother against his father. He loved to tell me how he manipulates them to get what he wants … *shudder*

        The dad is weird and I think it’s partly to do with a difference in culture. I named and shamed on a website when it first happened and the dad was livid, saying how dared I post a nude pic of his son.

        Huh? The pic was topless but cut off at the shoulders! The dad said “No matter what he’s done he does not deserve to have this picture posted online.”

        Really???? No matter what he’s done???

        I told the dad that if he thought the pic was “obscene” he should see the ones his son sent to me just an hour after we met online!!

        You know, usually sexual talk, revealing pics and the like only serve to disgust me, so this guy really knew what he was doing as I was not put off by these things when they came from him. He must have been mirroring me to the max otherwise.

        I’m feeling so much better and I hope you are too.

        I have a busy week ahead, which is a good thing.

        Can’t believe it’s already mid Dec!

        Love and Peace
        OneRedFlower

      6. Hi 1redflwr 🙂

        Yes it’s really Christmas & a New Year is on it’s way 🙂
        Let’s hope 2014 is a better year for us all.

        On a side note, it is amazing how these people pit others against each other & I witnessed my Soc doing it & creating havoc & then stepping in to restore order! The people involved have no idea he orchestrates the whole drama but, I now believe he does this for fun & also to keep the focus off himself. A really great manipulator & I had 10 years of this craziness & every time I got close to getting free, he would have his colleagues, firemen & Policemen or family contact me to vouch/cover for his lies etc…so, I got the Grand Master of Sociopaths!

        Have a Wonderful Christmas & Soc free life 🙂
        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      7. I love your term – mine was extremely narcissistic. He used to look at his reflection every chance he got – he smiled, posed, etc. He was very attractive but in the beginning acted like he didn’t know why women fawned over him. As our relationship progressed he would say things like “You like how I look, don’t you”, or “You really can’t survive without me”. It was uncomfortable but because of all his stories, I thought it was his insecurity and played it off.

        His family was well-aware of he was a sociopath and I was the THIRD woman he had fleeced, but because HE told them that he had changed because of ME, they never bothered to find out what he was up to. Because his entire family lives in New Zealand, it was easy for him to hide everything from all of us.

        Once we separated, he ordered me to cut all communication with his family and sent them all an email telling them that I had left him because he didn’t have enough money to make me happy. Mind you, I was the one who used to make 70K annually while he couldn’t hold a job. I was also the one who was stupid enough to leverage everything I owned plus my retirement to get him into business and lost everything. Gave up the job to help him in his “business” as well. His brother contacted me shortly after we separated and asked me what had really happened. When I told him what had gone on he told me my ex was “up to his old tricks again” and was sorry that no one alerted me.

        Is being extremely possessive of “stuff” part of this? Mine never threw a thing away, when I tried he became physically ill – sweaty, pale, shaking – and kept everything he could get from previous women like her personal belongings were his trophies.

      8. Yes, many take trophies Celeste. Have you heard about serial killers, once they have killed the victim, they take an item of jewellery or something from the victim? It is like that. Every time I split with my ex. He stole. Every single time.

  13. he told me he was having lunch at the park, i later found out he was having lunch at the race park! seemed like nothing, but the lies continued for the next 10 years, i realize now he is a pathological liar. peace

    Reply

  14. I was married for twenty years to a psychopath/sociopath, and I never suspected that he lied. Only after I had reported him for child abuse and he had moved out did I realize he may have not always told the truth, for I found love letters stashed in his desk. Then, after I did some detective work, I discovered his affairs. Then I uncovered other aspects of his life that he had kept hidden and had lied about. But all the time we were together, I had never suspected, just as I never thought he would abuse our daughter. I’ve always lived by the Golden Rule–“Do unto others . . . “–and because I would never have lied to him or had affairs, I never expected that he would do that to me. Looking back, I know I was naïve, but I also know I’m glad I am the way I am. I have a conscience, and I would not have been able to live with myself if I had lied to him. Evidently, he was not burdened with a conscience!

    Reply

  15. Well as usual, your timing is perfect. I was just starting to “miss” my ex sp in the last few days (he called the day after his bday but I didn’t answer–so I was thinking maybe he was ‘missing’ me–I know, that’s ridiculous), but luckily this post reminded me of all his ridiculous lies. The one person who said hers said he was going fishing on NYears made me laugh. Mine claimed to be fishing all the time (oh and he had a really nice boat that of course I never got to go on). He also fit the profile of using medical issues to get out of his lies and excuses. Some of the best are back problems and surgeries, a car accident, boat accident, his cousin dying, his grandmother having cancer, some undisclosed disorder that he felt he couldn’t tell me about but that would give him problems throughout his life (It’s so embarrassing to think I let him get away with this crap), but the best was when he had some HEART VALVE failure and had to have heart surgery (conveniently this surgery was performed through a leg vein–wtf??) so there would be no large scar (the back surgery allegedly was also through small incisions–which of course I never detected)–of course he almost died because of that. I wanted to come down and take care of him, but he told me his doctor wouldn’t allow people to “upset” him (we lived 4 hours driving distance apart). What in the world was I thinking? These were just the big outrageous lies you couldn’t argue with…there were so many I can’t even remember them all. It seems comical now, after no contact for over two months—no real conversation for more than three–he made me miserable and finally I can see that clearly. But I do read your posts and read others stories and it still helps me stay balanced. I hope others are doing okay. I finally feel a sense of peace most times, but I know there is one thing he is smart enough to use to reel me back in, the idea of a baby, since I miscarried and me having a baby is my greatest wish as well as sorrow. I have to remain strong should he try to use that against me…thank you for this site…

    Reply

  16. I remember the first lie that I was aware of like it was yesterday .
    It was over Facebook . I’m not on Facebook or any other social networking site because I believe that it creates problems and no good comes from it.
    One morning he came to my house , this was maybe 7-8 months in to our relationship , wanting to tell me something he seemed to have a hard time with . This act was very well executed in retrospect . After a while I coaxed it out of him . It turned out that the doughter of my landlady appeared on his Facebook page wanting to be his friend . He showed it to me on his computer . I was upset , since she knew we were together . I told him what he was doing on Facebook anyways , as a mature man in a steady relationship and so on .
    He said that I was right and he didn’t want to loose me over this and I was more important to him then that .
    He singed himself out in front of my eyes and that was that . From that moment forward he’s computer never came back in to my house .
    Later that year hurricane Irene was approaching the east- coast of the States and people were asked to evacuate . We drove to New Jersey to spend the night at his friends house .
    The lady had lost her father earlier that year (2011) and she remarked that she had a lot of pictures from her dad that she wanted to send to her sister in Egypt and my Soc said without thinking , ” why don’t you give them to me and I put them on Facebook “. The moment he said Facebook he realized he made a mistake . He immediately looked at me across the table to see if I heard his remark . Well , I did hear it and he knew it when our eyes met . He looked like a dear in the headlights .
    We had a big fight that night . I accused him of having been on Facebook all along and he denied it a the way . He expected me to believe that he had signed himself back in on THAT night .
    I never believed that for a second .
    The fight continued the fallowing day. I was so angry , felt so betrayed and my emotions were running high . I remember he had this smerk on his face like he was enjoying my rant .
    I felt it was strange . How could he enjoy this so much while I was at the edge of loosing my sanity . I hit him with my fist on his thigh with all my might and I’m not proud of that . I’m not a violent person at all but I didn’t know what to do anymore .
    At some point the man of the house said to him to stop it now . I don’t know wether he saw the same thing I saw ?
    Today I know why he was enjoying it so much as he feeding on my emotional energy with every word I said . Must have been a great learning experience for him to see how normal people act under these circumstances .
    From then on there was a big break in the relationship but I didn’t get out . I was to far gone loving him as much as I did I was totally unable to picture myself without him . That thought was worse then the lie , so I started to belittle the lie making believe that it wasn’t that bad . In my head I had to do that if I wanted him still in my live .
    I was making excuses, compromising my believes of a lifetime because the thought of being without him was so incredebly devastating .
    What a trip we all have been on ; just unbelievable ! When will the thoughts stop ? I wonder………
    Greetings my friends XOXOXO

    Reply

    1. Hi ladybug – thanks for sharing your story.

      I think the part where you first caught the lie – but stayed anyway, is important. As this would be the first time that the socio would know what your boundaries are, and how deep you are in too! (how much you can be manipulated)

      Going to that point…. can be really useful for healing and recovery. As it it this point where you look at your boundaries and ask yourself the questions

      – Why did I stay?
      – Why did I put up with that?
      – Did I think it would get better – and why?
      – How did he get around the lie?

      This point is usually the point where the pattern will repeat on a more regular basis.

      Reply

      1. Thanks Positiva ,
        Growing up in Germany during the 60’s the worst thing I could do was lie to my father . As a kid I confess I tried it maybe once or twice but didn’t get away with it . To lie to my dad was the absolute worse thing I could do .
        Today my honesty is deadly and I think that we project however we are on to other people in our life’s by thinking they are just like us .
        When I first met my Soc I told him THE two most important things for me in a relationship were TRUST&HONESTY . For him it was respect & communication . That was a lie also as I later found out . Empty Words .

        As to the first 2 questions to ask myself Ithink I answered them in my previous post towards the end .
        Question #3 , did I think things would get better after that , I have to say yes I did . Because if my partner would say to me it really bothers me when you do xyz I would become aware of it and try not to do it any
        more . But it was me again projecting myself on to him again .
        I always want to believe in the good in people especially a partner that I share my bed with .
        To question #4 , he got around the lie
        ( u guessed it ) with another lie and he stuck to it even insisted on it . He went as far as telling me , how I could be with someone who I thought lied to me .
        He told me that his father used to say he rather would have a homosexual for a son then a liar .
        The same father had affairs with other women throughout his marriage and the mothers response was ” but he always comes home to me “.
        If people only knew the damage they are doing to their children when making statements like that …..
        XOXOXO love you !

      3. Thank you for saying this, PositivaGirl, This is really helpful to me… I needed to ask myself these questions, and now I realize that when I put up with the first lie and so on, this is how he knew how much he could manipulate me.. One thing that I have learned in all of this is that I need to Love and Respect myself first,

      4. When my I caught my ex in a major lie, you could tell we were on the brink. He’d just moved in. I’m talking 5 days. Things had started to come to a front because, of course, he had no money, and I was starting to push him, as I was not going to foot the bill the entire time. Anyway, I caught him in a lie about why he had to spend the night when visiting a friend, and FIRST he got angry, saying he didn’t like being controlled. When I calmly replied that I didn’t like being lied to, he went into the bedroom and had a panic attack. I mean, the breathing, having to sit down, etc. etc. He said “sorry you have to see me like this, I know you’ve never seen me have one of these” blah blah and “something you said must have triggered this” blah blah. Anyway, I patted his head. I mean, I didn’t want to seem like a heartless bitch, but I wasn’t about to be all “Oh, honey, you’re OK, it’s OK.” When he settled down, I very calmly told him that I didn’t know what was going to happen with us moving forward, that this was a bold-faced lie and that it was a pockmark on our relationship that I wasn’t going to ignore. He asked if we could compromise on a solution, and put out several ideas. I found one acceptable, so I said OK. He left that night, with a tender, almost questioning “I love you” (to which I did not respond), and never came back. Of course, the compromise thus never happened. I got a text from him 24 hours later that he felt so bad, blah blah, that I’d caught him in his “darkest hour” blah blah. This was the “Self-recrimination” type of apology, which was really just a manipulation, and I believe intended to see if I’d let him back in. Which I didn’t.

        I have moments of weakness, where I wonder if he really did love me. But when I do, I read all of these posts, and the journal I have made of things about the relationship, and I feel confident that No, no man who loves someone acts like THAT. It was a con, and I was a target. Thankfully a victim no more – he is gone, and I was able to recuperate almost all of the money I had spent!

  17. I feel kind of dumb. I had been married to him for 8 years and he had told so many lies that I thought were so crazy they just had to be true. But I remember when and where I confronted him and he admitted he had lied to me.

    When we met he told me he had an MBA and a BS in science. It made sense because his parents were both university professors and his other brothers all have advanced degrees.

    But he had a hard time staying employed – he had GOOD jobs, but always ended up getting fired and it was always over some sort of moral issue that he would not compromise on – he was always the good guy who got caught in the fallout for doing the right thing. But it started to not add up and I began to look for evidence of the education – degrees, alumni association membership, etc. When he found out I was trying to find his credentials, he told me that he hadn’t actually completed the MBA, but was only missing a class or two. He produced some certificates from sales courses to show that he had indeed been taking classes, but it wasn’t fitting together right.

    Finally, in March, 2010 I confronted him. I did it in public so that it wouldn’t get over the top – we were at Burger King just off base near Ft. Bliss, TX (El Paso) I told him that I didn’t believe him about his education and that I believed he had been fired for poor job performance and lying on his resume. I told him that he had “one time only” amnesty and he confessed that he had lied, but it was worse than I thought. He not only had never attended MBA classes, he never went to college. He does claim to have graduated from high school.

    It was that day that he swore there were no other lies and that he would never lie to me again. That turned out to be the biggest lie of all.

    Reply

    1. Once one lie is found out….. it spirals and the lies get bigger and bigger.

      Often by then, you are hooked, in love. Living in illusion and realising that it will be painful to leave. We want the illusion – we don’t to lose that person. It is hard when the person that you were in love with, didn’t really exist.

      Reply

      1. The soc I was with was great at omitting huge amounts of info ( he is supposedly an editor LOL) and talking about as well as diverting nothing about nothing!! He lived about 1hour away but never invited or showed me his town — his house is a mess with his fam living there after Sandy– so the story was played on and on….he pretended to go to daily mass, and be active in volunteering & church stuff– even though its my interest never invited me to be part off, would always come to where I was — when questioned he said if you ever come to xyz you are coming back with a ring LOL !! reverse psychology I was thinking a) now i know your crazy b) No way c) so Presumptious and lying that was on or about date 3!! I was completely suspicious, bowled over by his presumption and entertained by his craziness all at once– while also annoyed as he was always talking about the future from the get go — I would tell him STOP can you just be in the here and now??? It was really a turn off and over the top — not the most polished love bomber– I cant even tell you the gifts– on first date he handed me a box of sunglasses and was like — here pick out a few pairs for yourself– my response was Did these fall off the truck???!! He would always come armed with random meaningless non personal stuff, i started to tell my friends he was always pushing ” parting gifts” like on a game show and would not take no as answer– Sometimes he would have multiple bracelets or necklaces( almost loke a supply for his supply) and hand me like 3 in a gift bag???? I was always devils advocate but continued to buy into the crazy charm and really shady/ crafty seductive BS, I think I did find him entertaining when not completely baffled. Clearly a character–but the roses & holy gifts to mirror my faith really sincerely confused and after all said and done pissed me off– as No one plays my faith– (he tried & did to some extent) but so foolish because faith is truth– so playing it if not sincere will surely be revealed by actions/ words not matching and God alone. Writing this out shows how ridiculous it all is OMGosh.

      2. Hi Pos,
        The more I thought about the lies the more I remembered 😦 gee there were so so many & the hardest part for me was realizing how he controlled so many others that would step in & cover up for his lies etc…
        I remember his work colleagues calling me after I had my suspicions very early on & vouching for his good character.
        Then his daughter & his son & his sister & finally his best friend, all these poor fools that he has enlisted to lie for him & cover-up his messes, knowingly or not?
        Unbelievable really the level of control & manipulation my Soc goes too…I cannot & would not ever make others cover up my antics & lies but, then again I am not a Sociopath!
        After all who lies about their own Mothers funeral!!!
        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

        P.S. I like the knew format 🙂

      3. They love the extra sympathy they get from death terminal illness cancer. It pulls on your empathy strings. And great deflection how uncaring you are if you object. It’s a great senario to hide behind.

      4. Whoa Yeah they love a sad story, his Mother had dementia & he spent many many hours sitting by her bedside which I now know to be false & then her eventual death where he made the decision to lie about her funeral details right up to the day so, that I could not attend. He told me it was on a Wednesday when in fact it took place the day before on a Tuesday! He blames his ex wife for the lie he told me as, he said he had no choice but, to lie as she was causing a fuss etc…at not being included in the family court-age as she wanted to ride in the car with her family & his. I told him he could have just asked me not too come if it was a problem as I didn’t want to create any drama it was a funeral not a social event etc…I was only going to pay my respects as he had come to my fathers funeral etc…this is what you do for people you care about.
        He came to my house for dinner the night of the funeral to perpetuate the lie further & I threw him out as I had been told of the lie….He then made me feel guilty as it was not his fault & he had so much going on etc,etc…so, I apologized to him! 😦
        It was all a game & he was playing it on the ex wife as well, she was made to feel unwanted at his mother’s funeral & because she had known his family all her life she just wanted to be there but, he made her look like the crazy ex….game, set & match.
        I told him at the time that she was only doing what he had allowed her to by remaining married to her.
        He reinforced to her that she was still part of his family by remaining married & that is why she felt part of it all & rightly so. He had never drawn a line under the end but, that was his way of keeping her captive.
        This is when he asked me to download divorce proceedings…I declined & I later found out, he asked the OW to do the same, she declined also & told him to do it himself.
        He has kept his ex wife in the whole sad saga & toyed with her for years via his children, so sad as she has no idea I suspect of his Sociopathy, she would always be in that state of flux.
        He took the OW to a family event not long after the funeral & his ex was very uncomfortable & I now realize that was his way of punishing her for her display over his Mothers funeral.
        All this was designed to make her look bad to his family & friends 😦 argh, the magnitude of his lies & deception are unbelievable & knowing what I know is sometimes a burden but, glad I’m free of him 🙂

      5. How old are his children PR? They must be grown by now. I think that as many people that they can have to toy with, the better. That way if it messes up with one, they have lots more to play with. Always keep their options open. Never commit.

      6. Hi Pos 🙂
        His daughters are early 30’s & his son (aka wing man) would be late 20’s but, he’s very immature & lives with the ex-wife so, that the Soc knows everything about her. He employs his son in his second business of used car dealing & his son sat & barefaced lied to me on many occasions & he had his daughter call me to cover up another lie.
        I employed her years ago & she told me all about her parents break-up & how he made such a mess of their lives & now she does his dirty work.
        She even warned me off subtly as ‘no-one will ever replace our mother’…I told her I had my own family & had no intention of replacing anyone…it was an innocent yet revealing conversation. He left her mother one time earlier on & it was her 21st birthday so, he gave her a BMW to make up for going overseas for her party…selfish through & through. His daughter told me she did not respect him but, he was her father so, she took the car but, couldn’t wait to sell it, which she later did. She told me he tried to buy her off! So she was onto his game but, didn’t care if he hurt me, obviously as she turned on me in the end 😦
        Still, I saw her in action on more than one occasion & the fruit has not fallen far from that tree :(….what a nightmare family!

      8. Wing man is another term for side kick & co-hort etc…made famous in American movies where a guy will help another guy get a girl or deflect one & so on. He never let me get too close to his children but, I did try & purchased gifts when they were younger but, I wasn’t what you would call close & he has them under very tight control.
        He calls them daily to check up on them & uses them as excuses for escape etc…I have to go visit or pick-up etc…has always been like that even when the girls got married & had children. He likes to know everything they do & tries to control & manipulate them all!
        His middle daughter married a guy he doesn’t like & he did his best to ruin that so, he set his daughter against her mother-in-law & has been somewhat successful, thereby gaining control of the husband by undermining his supporters…it goes on & on.
        His eldest daughter married a guy he liked so, as she is his favorite she can do no wrong. The other two siblings he controls with great subtly & does the most contrived abuse I’ve ever seen & they are witless & clueless to it!
        His son was often pulled into line in front of me which made me feel sorry for him but, annoyed by his lack of backbone & disdain of women,he has no respect either.

      11. Hi Positiva Girl
        Yes the person doesn’t exist but the feelings we have are real and that’s why it takes so damn long to recover.

        If only it were a matter or the truth=freedom. Well, it is, but it takes time 😦

        I’m luckier than most on this site because my ex “blessed” me by discarding me just five months into the relationship (or should I say non-relationship). It’s just unfortunate that I have, even now, problems acknowledging that I was indeed lucky, and still have moments of feeling like I’m a failure: I just wasn’t beautiful/fun/interesting enough for him 😦

        I KNOW that is rubbish though. I know he is a Scumbag who never saw me as anything but a game. He enjoyed me for a while but it was a purely selfish enjoyment. Nothing to do with caring and sharing.

        And of course I’m better than him. Of course I am worth more than he will ever be.

        I have to remember that. We all have to remember that we are MORE. We are COMPLETE. And they are nothing. They are mean. Uncaring. Unfeeling. EVIL even.

        Wishing us all peace and love and light.

        OneRedFlower

      12. Hi 1redflwr 😉
        You are worthy & beautiful & fun etc…thats what attracted him in the first place. I dont think it matters how long the experience lasts as the ending & the pointlessness of it lasts forever. I think the hardest part is knowing that they just carry on their merry way with others, gaming & manipulating etc…while our world collapses around us in a heap! We are then left to try & pick up the pieces & wrap our head around this encounter with a Sociopath. What’s a sociopath without a victim, nothing but, a sad excuse for a human being 😦
        You will recover but, will never be the same, you have seen the real evil of another & now you know there are so many, thats a scary thought & you will be guarded in future relationships but, you will look for the best, you wont accept less & you should never have had to! You will be happy & life is good, just remember that you are now in control so, stay there.
        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      13. Hi Pheonix Rising – Thanks for the encouragement! And yes they ARE sad excuses for human beings, too bad there is not a class in Highschool to teach people about them, before they grow up and get out into the real world… It would be nice to know these things ahead of time.

      14. Hi Red flower,

        No, it won’t take away the pain. If you are still carrying that pain. By knowing the truth, you can make sense of what has happened. Not blame yourself. Not think that this was your fault. Know that this is the way that this person is. It is not personal against you. That even if that person were with somebody else, they would be the same.

        I would imagine that it would be painful if you focused on the fact, that he only saw you as a game, and for his pure selfish enjoyment, as that makes you feel abused and used. This is the way that he is, it is not personal against you. While this abuse did happen, you cannot deny that, and those painful feelings were real, take some comfort, that this is just the way that this person is.

        Just remember – it isn’t personal. Its just business to them. It wasn’t to hurt you. It is just the way that their mind works.

        It is hard NOT to take it personally. After all, it IS personal to you. It has happened to YOU. It is YOUR feelings. But nobody lives in pain about something forever. Like all grief, it will take time. You will go through the stages of grief, there are 5 stages. When you get to the stage of ACCEPTANCE which is the final stage – you don’t take it personally anymore. Why? Because it is their issue. Not yours.

      15. Hi PositivaGirl, I am just wondering why they spend so much time and money into a person they simply want to deceive, control, and manipulate? Why do they take their victims/targets on vacation, buy expensive jewelry, move in so fast, give them money… I am sure if I had stayed longer, he may have tried to get to my money, but I left him before it could happen.

      16. Sociopaths are not particularly brilliant with money. Many are gamblers. They have no value on it. With this mentality and no conscience, they can throw money away, and take your money.

        They are also smart, intelligent and predators. So if they knew that you had money that they could take from you. They would. They are opportunists, speculate to accumulate. It might be worth throwing a bit of money at it – if they know that they will get big payout at the end. Many are gamblers, love to play poker…. they are all opportunists. Also they are all different. Some are high functioning and they do different kinds of acts. Financial con men, are only one type of sociopath. They are all different.

    2. Hi Celeste,

      My Ex Sociopath also lied about his education, he was using the illusion of his Lengthy College Education and his 4.0 to belittle me since I did not “measure up” to him… The last I heard, he was working on his “Doctorates Degree” (Of course, the whole time we were together he was unemployed) I asked him on several occasions, what his goals were. He told me that he did not have any goals. He said that if he saw something that he wanted, he would go out and get it. Then, I asked him why was it that he wanted a doctorates degree, he said so that he could have the title of “Doctor”. I also, looked around and found out that he was lying to me about his education levels..

      Reply

  18. Me again,
    So… The moment when I sensed that things were not Rosy as they seemed to be was in June 2012 when she posted a picture of “A gift she got from her cousin” and under that gift was a fine green-golden carpet. She claimed to be in hospital for back surgery. So my first thought was: Which hospital on this world has a carpet in their patient rooms? Its simply not hygenic. But I shoved that thought in the back of my head because I trusted her.

    Next lie which caused a small alarm in my head was the not matching of her statements.

    First she claimed her love interest, Nick, spend Christmas 2011 with her and her daughter ; Only to claim later on Nick DIDN’T KNOW about her having a daughter till May 2013.

    Then, her saying she got brutally raped by a guy she refused to date -BUT- changing her statement into raped by an enraged elderly neighbor she refused to have sex with.
    OF COURSE I questioned her about the contradiction of her statements but back then she excused it as “being too strong drugged with pain killers to even think straight”.

    Reply

  19. Hi Pos,

    Love the new layout of the site – it looks great! I’m actually going through it, and have discovered previous articles that I hadn’t seen before. Very user-friendly!

    Reply

    1. Ah thank you prophette. I was going to ask for user feedback. I am unsure about how it is for those on mobile though? Are you accessing via computer or mobile? There are around 150 articles so a lot…

      Reply

      1. I was using my iPad, but now am on my smartphone. I haven’t been able to post from my mobile before, so if this indeed goes live, then even better!

        On the mobile, the site is still awesome. I can see the list of articles way easier – and the video section is very accessible. I love it, and as a Marketer who has built many a website – well done!

      2. Ah that is great yes can see your comment. I didn’t realise that there were problems commenting with mobile before. Am glad you gave feed back as nobody had said anything and I wondered if people hated it. Thank you.

      3. Sometimes, I like to read from my blackberry the email alerts. Those are now causing a side-to-side scrolling effect (not exactly fitting the screen). Not terrible, but not as easy to read via mobile as it was previously. There may be a mobile setting (screen dimensions) somewhere that you can adjust to make it fit well (or acceptably) on all browsers and devices.

      4. That’s so strange bc I’m on a Berry too – but it’s the opposite for me. Everything now fits my screen perfectly, the articles and the comments – no scrolling required.

      5. Well, it is through email so, perhaps I could just read from the site directly. I just don’t know when things are coming through that interest me without looking at the email alerts so, I generally just read from there if I’m on the phone.

      6. Thank you jusagurl. I am finding that it is making it into mobile version and I can’t change to desktop view on my phone. This is quite annoying. I had been thinking about change but really hard to a format that fitted. There are some things that I like the pages are easier to view, but you can only see certain ones not all. I prefer search. Think I need to have a play around with it. Biggest reason I had to change was for the comments as before they were going out of synch.

  20. I was with my ex-husband for nearly 12 years. His first lie was that he was divorced. We met during the Christmas holidays and he asked me to marry him “officially” on my birthday in April. Once we began discussing the wedding plans, he told me that he needed to “confess” that he was STILL MARRIED to his 2nd wife, but told me that he had been emotionally separated from him “in his mind” for so long that he felt divorced. I almost broke up with him then, but he was so sincere and begged forgiveness. I gave in, but told him that was his one and only chance and if he lied again, it would be over.

    We married, I worked, he couldn’t hold a job – despite the fact he held an MBA from Victoria University in New Zealand. I had a great job, worked long hours and traveled all over the US so we really only had weekends which were always like a mini-reunion – I now realize this arrangement was perfect for him because it was easy for him to continue to hide things from me. He kept lies pretty down low for the first 5 years of marriage – the 5 years it took for him to become a US citizen – it cost me 10K for the attorney, the fees, etc.

    Once he became a citizen, his demeanor changed and he was no longer the genteel “Kiwi gentleman” I had fell in love with.
    In March 2010, the lies had piled up to the point where I was wondering if I was losing my mind – every time he told me something, it was a different story and when I confronted him, he told me I was wrong and had forgotten or misunderstood him. I had began to piece things together after having conversations with his brothers and other family members. He had not completed his education – so I told him I knew he hadn’t finished school – thinking that he would confess that he never finished his MBA – imagine my surprise when he confessed to not finishing any formal education beyond high school! I am certain this and his lying is the reason he couldn’t hold a job because his resume always included the information about not only having an MBA, but a BS as well!

    Again, fool that I am, I told him that because I had invested 10 years in the relationship I would give him one final chance.

    With that chance, he created a false profile on Facebook – call him Doug. Doug was my ex’s close personal friend on paper but in reality, my ex used Doug to troll online. When Doug found a suitably gullible woman – call her Betsy – Doug began extolling the virtues of my ex – a successful, lonely, SINGLE guy who was so busy he didn’t have time to meet people. Doug introduced Betsy and my ex; the ex and Betsy began having a torrid online affair – she lived 2000 miles away. In the meantime, Doug convinced Betsy that my ex had hit hard times (due to the economy) but was too proud to ask for help. So Betsy, who was working 3 jobs – McDonalds, cleaning houses, and babysitting – began sending him every spare dime she had because Betsy and my ex were “in love” – more than that, they were having an online “50 Shades” type of relationship!!!!

    Before you discount all of this as being so incredible it couldn’t be true – my ex is so self-assured and arrogant he went away and left his “man cave” computer on and unlocked and Betsy sent him a Yahoo IM that said “I just wanted to tell you to have a great day, and I love you” while I was in there looking for Post-it Notes. And yes… I read it all – my dope ex had saved all the messages in chat history. Once I started investigating I found the fake profiles, etc.

    It took several weeks for everything to sink in and for me to leave and I still have issues. Imagine that. LOL. He still contacts me with and lies about the most unnecessary things – the latest is that he is going to cooking school at Le Cordon Bleu and Guy Fieri is not only his personal mentor, but Guy told him he needed all MY old cookbooks so that he could build a cooking foundation. He got really angry when I told him no. LOL.

    So.. getting back to lies…. does a sociopath ever NOT lie???

    Reply

    2. Before you discount all of this as being so incredible it couldn’t be true –
      ……………………..
      Boy are you in the wrong room to think people won’t believe what sounds like tall tales. 😉 Way too many of these documented lies myself. And, to answer your question, I think they are 80%+ lies. I think that’s one of the things that makes coming off a relationship with one so entirely bewildering. It’s kind of like, “How is that possible?” And yet, it is which is the truth, and very paradoxical.

      Reply

      1. I look back at it all and have trouble believing that I believed it! LOL. But like most of the comments I’ve been reading, he too was so very charming and sincere. Always had a legitimate reason when I cornered him over something. I realize now that in a matter of days he became everything I was hoping for and instead of being suspicious, I thought I was the luckiest person in the world.

        And I have read several comments on how much this changes a person. I am changed. I was diagnosed with PTSD, I can’t sleep, I don’t trust anyone and it’s been 16 months. Do you ever recover from it?

      2. @Celeste, yes you will recover. Do you remain strong with the “no contact” ? This includes not trying to know how he is doing, looking at his facebook or by other means. Do a funeral to him (maybe a service he deserves, sending his “ashes” to the toilet) and give yourself the best new year gift making him just a stone of your past.

      3. Hi Celeste
        How are you doing?

        I had a few episodes of feeling deeply sad yesterday but I can feel myself getting better and I know you will get better and be completely healed too. We all will. It’s just this in between time that’s so hard.

        My therapist recommended daily rituals to remove my ex from my life. I find I need to do them even on those days I think I feel better. I do them to strengthen nyself, to ward iff his bad vibes and for catharsis.

        Every morning I write down what I think he is and what he deserves. I then burn the paper and collect the ashes in an envelope. Abfww weeks ago I burnt him in effigy incl pieces if a tshirt of his. It felt good ripping up the tshirt! Ashes in the same envelope!

        Yesterday I sent the envelope to the city he lives in. No sender address. It was just important to me to return all his bad behaviour to him: He has nothing to do with me. He is wholly responsible for his actions. May he reap what vhe sows.

        Apart from sending off the ashes, it’s been no contact. Early on I made the mistake of looking up the other woman on Facebook and Twitter and what I found was so painful and totally unhelpful. No contact is totally necessary for healing.

        It’s hard to face the fact that we’ve been so thoroughly lied to and manipulated. We trusted and loved and cared. We deserved none of what we got in return. I think it’s so important we remember that. We are innocent. These men are heartless monsters with no remorse and no conscious.

        It’s too early for me to wish him well. And I think we also need to give ourselves permission to be v angry and want those idiots dead. It’s natural. But don’t allow yourself to spend too much time on him. The rituals are useful in that they allow us that time to deal with our anger. We can then spend the rest of the day focusing on what’s important; Ourselves and Our Lives.

        We have to keep on reminding ourselves that if we wallow in misery and we don’t make the effort to feel better, those bastards have won. We are the ones who deserve happiness.

        We are good people. We have our whole lives to look forward to. We have friends and I family who care. The bastards have nothing but their lies and the empty thrill of duping honest people. Let’s not give them the time of day or an ounce of our energy.

        Take good care. We are here for you. Email me if you need to at oneredflower@gmail.com.

        Love and Peace

        OneRedFlower

      4. Awww Celeste 🙂

        You do eventually recover but, it takes time & hard work & you have to go through it to get over it ;(
        You will be okay & you must never give-up that there is something far better coming your way 🙂

        Be strong & brave, your worthy of so much more 🙂
        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

    3. @ Celeste – no, they always lie. It’s a game to them, and it’s almost like they goad you into calling them on it. And … I’m sorry, but he didn’t “forget” to shut off his computer. He did it on purpose so that you would read everything and end it – so he can tell his next victim – who he already has lined up – what an awful person you are. It never ends. Be happy you’re out of it. He sounds like a total loser.

      Reply

  21. This is a fantastic post! Luckily, I’m at a point where I can laugh about some of the lies. It’s crazy what they can come up with! I had suspected my ex of lying for awhile, but the first time I had solid proof and confronted him over the phone, he “suddenly” had a flat tire and made me feel guilty for saying anything, because he was having a horrible day and I was making it worse. I actually felt bad, and knowing what I know now, I doubt there was any tire issue. Over the course of a few months, he had several flat tires, two car accidents, took his father to the emergency room multiple times, etc. etc. “Conveniently,” these all occurred when I would catch him in a lie or try to end the relationship, and each time, he would make me feel guilty because he was having a horrible day. It’s hard to imagine that there are people that lie about that type of stuff. I was naive too. He of course told me at the beginning of the relationship that he was such a terrible liar/hated lying after I told about my previous sociopath. This is such a wonderful site! I only wish that I had discovered it sooner!

    Reply

  22. Looking back, I have realized a lot of lies that he was telling from the beginning of our relationship.. before I even noticed. As time went by in our relationship, I started noticing a lot of inconsistencies in his stories. He liked to talk ALOT… and of course I am a very good listener. A lot of this stuff was little things… I found myself saying things to him, like “I thought you said this, and I thought you said that” One time, when I said that I thought he said something different before, he pretty much blew up on me. He said he didn’t give an “F” what he said before, this is how it was.. when he saw my facial expression, he asked me if I was thinking of jumping ship. (At this time we were living together) Some time after this, I caught him in a pretty big lie (of course he did not admit it) Through out our relationship, he was supposedly involved in sports and activities with his 2 teen kids and that kept him pretty busy. His daughter competed in horse shows and he always went out of town with her to help with that. At one time, he told me they were going to a place 9 hours from where we lived to compete in “nationals”. Every night he called me and talked for hours, telling me how much he missed me, and that he wanted to fly home to see me. He also texted me non-stop. (one thing that I noticed was that he was not sending me pictures of the competition, as usual) Some time after he was already home… I was at home on facebook and saw that his daughter had posted a picture of him in a town that was less than 2 hours from home. This picture was posted from her phone and it was dated during the same time he said he was 9 hours away. Also, she tagged him in the picture When I confronted him, he told me that his daughter had 3 different cell phones, each phone having a different memory card but they all had the same phone number. He said that one of her friends was borrowing her phone, and that friend must have posted an old picture of him to his daughter’s facebook. (because apparently her friend also had access to her facebook) He told me that I should always trust him, unless I had proof not to. He went on to say, that I should believe that he was where he told me he was because he called me every single night. Its funny that he thought his story was believable… Or maybe not… after this day is when he changed towards me. He started giving me the cold shoulder and did not want to spend much time with me. Also he was being a little scary with me, like acting violent, and leading on to let me know that he believed in hitting women. Some time after this lie that I caught him in, he all the sudden had a business trip in California. (he was a personal investor for himself, he traded his own money. He never had clients) He told me before that he would never charge friends or family to show them how to trade stocks… Now all of a sudden he had all these “family members” who wanted to learn trading, and he was going out there to do seminars, etc. Of course he did not want me to go. Long story short, he had started another relationship with a woman in another state, and he was going there to meet her and spend time with her… Later I caught him, but stayed silent till he went out there again. I found the woman online, and while he was flying out there, I let her know the truth… That was the first she heard about me. She has no idea what she was saved from, but she was definitely thankful. She never had to deal with the abuse, the devaluation, the discard. He was still in the idealize stage with her, making her believe they were soul mates.. She thought he was a “beautiful miracle” from God. He never spoke to her again, after he got there and she confronted him after he got off the plane.. He tried to make up several lies about me, then he decided to tell her that his uncle had a heart attack, and he flew back home the same night… The story is so long, but now looking back I realize ALOT of lies that I should have caught in the beginning.. Like when he was at a horse show with his daughter. I was trying to call him almost all night, no answer, no call back. The next day, he told me he was sorry but he loaned his phone to his step son all night. I asked him, “Wow, so your step son can read all of our texts?” He told me that he had his text section blocked so his step son had no way to read them… At this time, He was still in the idealization stage with me.. I was so extra happy to be with him, I thought we were meant to be, soul mates… we had grown up together since we were small children, went to the same church, family friends… I had no reason not to trust him… So I thought.

    Reply

    1. Hi Newday welcome to the site!! 🙂

      They love the soulmate connection. As they know that is an easy BINGO win for them. They are able to mirror you, to be exactly what you want. And of course, as you know they talk NON STOP so you don’t have time to think, its like a demon possessed — actually??? 🙂 …

      Reply

    2. It is so hard to realize that mine is not an isolated incident and there are so many men (and I guess women) out there who live to lie and don’t care who they damage and downright ruin in order for them to get emotional satisfaction.

      I know who is latest victim is and have looked her up as well when I first found out he was cheating. I looked at it as adultery at the time, so I didn’t bother contacting her, but now realize he had used me up and now was looking for the next woman to prey on.

      Soul-mate was tossed around quite a lot and we were destined to be a couple as ordained by God. I guess the good thing about all of this is that I certainly know what to look for and I can pick out a liar now just by looking at their eyes.

      Reply

      1. Hi Celeste, It really helps me to know that I am not the only one that has been through this. When all the bad things started happening in my relationship, I originally thought that I was doing something wrong. He had me fooled into thinking that he was wonderful. He led me to believe we were soul mates and were going to spend the rest of our lives together…

        It was not until I realized that he was cheating, that I realized that it was NOT my fault. I stayed quiet for 3 weeks and watched him play his game. He had no idea that I knew. It was emotionally difficult, but I knew that he would only lie to me and to her. While he was flying out to California the second time to cheat on me again, his new woman was reading all about him from me.. I also sent her copies of all of the text messages between him and I, from before him and her got together until the day he flew out there again. He was so busted! I ruined everything he worked hard to create with her! (At that time, I had no idea what a sociopath was) All I knew was he was a lying, conniving, jerk… and I would have LOVED to see his face when she confronted him about me!

        My socio also used God as a way to get close to me, he also did that to the women he cheated on me with. It is really horrible that there are people out there that enjoy hurting others… There really is not a lot we can do about it. I know first hand that it does no good to warn the next “target/victim”… They have to learn on their own. Unfortunately, most people do not understand or seek information until they are entangled with a Sociopath.

        I am finally at the point where I am looking back and asking myself, “What did I ever see in him??” I now realize how much of a loser he truly is and ALWAYS will be! Even knowing all of this, he is still on my mind pretty much every day.. This healing process is taking much longer than I want it to. I know one thing… He does not ever have to worry about getting any response out of me.. He wasted time in my life and he will not get so much as a “hello” from me, ever again! And I am so thankful for this site! My friends and family are not good people to talk to. They do not understand, and they do not want to even hear about it anyway…

  23. Oh sorry I posted again because I wanted to be notified of responses and get emails, I forgot to check that box on first post.

    Reply

  24. Thanks for the welcome! Yes, I have seen him do this same thing to 2 other women since me.. The second one apparently thinks she is “different” than the rest. I made the mistake of trying to warn her, because he was in fact cheating on me with her, I left him… and I guess she thinks he changed. Of course, at the time I did not realize he was a sociopath. and I am sure it would be a waste of time, to try to explain all of this to her. She needs to be in the devalue and discard stage before she will realize she is the same as every woman he has fun deceiving and manipulating… Right now she thinks they are “soul mates” I think its pretty funny that in the past 1 1/2 years, has met at least 3 soul mates and planned to marry 3 different women (and that is all I know of) I was one of 3. Yes he is probably demon possessed… I thought he was a representative of Satan.. The thing is, the more he talked, the more I was thinking. I don’t think he was used to dealing with someone like me. I was trusting, but I have always had my guard up. I have been hurt in the past.

    Reply

    1. It must be an experience to watch him with other women repeating the same pattern of behaviour?

      I can say that it does repeat. Absolutely. I watched the sociopath in my life repeat same behaviour over and over. In fact I could read early posts, and later he repeated the same behaviour – and I went to write and thought WOW…..

      Now in healing and recovery I go back to some of those and they are so predictable. How long has he been with the second one for?

      Reply

      1. The first woman he tricked and planned to marry, he did this while we were living together.. she was in California and im in Missouri. that is the one I notified while he was flying out there, he had no idea that I knew. This was last November. Of course he lied to her, he lied to me when he came back. I moved out of the house we were in together. In December, he was talking to me again.. And by March 2013 he was trying to get me to move back in with him. It was crazy that I was back with him. (I found out he was trying to make things work out with his ex-wife/mother of his kids Jan 2012, and April 2013 he was trying to talk to the lady from California again. In April, I found about the 2nd woman (I should have counted his ex wife as one of the women he cheated on me with, but I have no proof of that) So.. In april 2013, the 2nd woman posted a “heart shape” and his football number on his facebook wall, so later I contacted her because I realized this was happening all over again… She said he contacted her in March 2013, that he had this “epiphany” that she was the “one” the love of his life. I told her my whole story, at first she was shocked and not too happy about what he had done, she knew him from back in highschool. She is in her forties now. But she had already agreed to go on a cruise with him ( a guy she hadn’t seen for around 23 years) oh.. she is from Missouri, but moved to California. She told me he bought her a ring (he still hadn’t seen her yet in the 23 years) I let her know that was the ring that he bought the first woman he cheated on me with , and also the same ring he put on my finger. She knew all of this info, and later decided to go ahead and be with him. She believed that he changed just for her because he loved her, and he admitted to her that he was just leading the other women on, and he felt bad about it. It looks like they are planning to marry after the first of the year some time. I feel bad for her, because she has no idea what is coming her way… I am afraid she will be hurt worse than I was.

      2. I meant that he was also trying to work things out with his ex-wife again, in jan 2013 (not 2012) So there was the 1st woman, his ex-wife, and the 2nd woman. I am not sure, but I have a feeling that he was also having relations with a woman he cheated on his ex-wife with when they were still married, I think he was probably also with her when he was living with me… Potentially 4 women he cheated on me with. I know for a fact about 2, and pretty certain about the ex wife.

      3. Sorry PositivaGirl for the long response to your question, I really do not know how long he has been with the second one he cheated on me with. She told me that he first contacted her in March 2013, later she told me he flew out there for a “friendly visit” with her & I think that was may 2013… I think they may have gotten together in July 2013 or June.. ( I think she thought she was changing him, by making things go slower and starting as friends) I believe some time in Sept, is when she finally said yes to marriage which is planned early 2014. I am only going by what I have seen on Social Media.. The last time I spoke with her was June 2013 and him I last spoke to in early May 2013. So maybe he has been with her 6 or 7 months..

    2. It’s quite “funny” how it sounds that we’ve all been dating the v same guy, with slight variations.

      Was it NewDay who talked abt possession by Satan? I called mine Satan cos I thought it was uncanny how well he knew me!! Actually he was just a pro at reading me and giving me what I was looking for!

      He was conducting online affairs with a few others and an actual physical affair with at least one when he was engaged to his ex … she told me so and yet she says she still loves him and how he’s a “good man who’s just lost his way”. That girl seems like a saint. I can’t understand her!

      I don’t know if the girl he’s with now is the only one he was sleeping with/ carrying on with while with me. Who knows.

      He’s vile. How these women still worship him is beyond my comprehension.

      Reply

      1. Hi OneRedFlower, Actually PositivaGirl mentioned the word demon possessed and I said yes, I was thinking that he was he was a “Representative of Satan”

        In the beginning, I thought he was a Wonderful man… When the lies started to surface, I did not know what to think… after speaking to the other woman he started a relationship with, I realized that her and I were both Christians and we both had brought good into his life. At that time, I felt sorry for him because of his child hood. See, the socio and I knew eachother since we were both about 5. Grew up in the same church. It was a small congretation. Our parents knew eachother, my younger brothers looked up to him. Him and I had same friends growing up. We even went to several (week long) church camps together. So we were very close… My socio was raised by two blind parents and supposedly he spent his childhood taking care of them. He got married young and had two kids. Supposedly the ex-wife was crazy and withheld sex from him for many years until he couldn’t take it anymore and resorted to cheating. I thought he had a bad life, but had changed and was a Wonderful, Caring, Loving, Sweet, Funny, Adventurous , Man… also loyal, he told me he was loyal and trustworthy.

        The first woman that I know of that he cheated on me with had met him about 22 years ago at a family reunion in Texas, when she was about 18. I don’t think she saw him again, just kept contact I suppose. The reconnected on facebook when he was cheating on me. (When I asked if they were related, because he told me they were cousins, she told me that they were “indirectly related”)

        He had both her and I fooled into thinking he was wonderful. I just thought he had a troubled past and needed Jesus. So of course, after he cheated, came back, I was trying to help him. I spent a lot of time focusing on the “good” in him that never existed. It was not until he cheated for the 2nd time (that I know of) that I had enough. I finally realized that everything from him was an act. That the relationship was in fact a big lie. I actually sent him a long email that I may copy and paste in here some time. Looking back and reading it, I put everything in perspective. He knows that I know all about him, and his lies, his manipulation, etc. Funny thing is at the time, I did not know about sociopaths, but reading the email, I wrote, describes a true sociopath.. Its crazy.

        So… Satan was once a messenger of Light, he was once an angel of God.. This is why I called my “Socio” a Representative of Satan, because he was like an angel, but it was a disguise. He is truly evil and I am glad I finally realized that and got away from him..

        There is a book called the “Bait of Satan” by John Bevere (Its to learn to live free from the Deadly Trap of Offense)
        In the book, John says “He is subtle and delights in deception. He is shrewd in his operations… cunning and crafty. Don’t forget he can disguise himself as a messenger of light.” This so much reminds me of Socios, I truly believe they are reps of Satan and nothing is ever good about them.

        I used to wonder how they can get away with this over and over.. and life is still great and happy for them, no Karma since they don’t even have real feelings… and one of my friends gave me this bible verse…
        Psalm 37: 1-22 In this Verse, it explains how evil men will be cut off, Basically, our time here on Earth is just a flash and Eternity is FOREVER… Everyone makes mistakes, but evil people will have a long, sad eternity. Socios know exactly what they are doing… The acts of a Socio are Cold and Calculated… Socios are EVIL and there is nothing good about them. Its all a lie.

      2. It’s weird but, they love to hang around churches & my Soc loved a funeral & picked up his latest OW at one. He was always going to funerals & I always felt sorry he had so many but, now I see he probably went to pick up!!! Only the devil would be in that frame of mind at a funeral & he even hit on one of my girlfriends at my fathers funeral!
        He kept sitting really close to her & staring into her eyes with ‘the stare’, looking for a way in I suspect. Luckily she is not like that & did not tell me until after I was set free, she thought I’d be upset or wouldn’t believe her. I would have believed her & wish she’d mentioned it, might have saved me a couple of years???

        PR xoxo

      3. My ex told me he joined a cell grp once “to meet girls”. I thought that was low and ecpressed my disgust but didn’t pursue the topic.

        So many times he’d say stuff that I didn’t think was quite right but I’d let it go. That’s so unlike me. I feel like I was under some kind of diabolical influence but probably just mind games.

        Love and hugs
        OneRedFlower

      4. Ditto on the mind games & they are relentless 😦
        I was always close but, he sensed it & upped his game so that I would doubt myself or I would just get on with my own life & push it aside.
        I am a very busy person & have a great social base so, I just learnt to continue on regardless of his comings & goings.
        Thank goodness as my family & friends really rallied when he did what he did & I was left reeling.
        My friends took me away, dinners,flowers,gifts & on it went & they haven’t let up for 8 months 🙂 🙂 I am very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life & I also have made great friends here 🙂
        People just like me, with great heart & soul 🙂

        PR xoxo

      5. Also, I forgot to mention… I grew up knowing his blind parents. Both of them have passed away.. Knowing what I know now, about my socio, I have a feeling that he was a very horrible son, and made their life a living hell while raising him. I feel bad for what they had to go through and they were blind.. He leads everyone to believe that he was a WONDERFUL son that sacrificed his childhood to care for his disabled parents… Also, I do not believe anything bad he has said about his ex-wife. I also feel bad for her as they were married for 14 years, I can only imagine the abuse that she has been through. I am sure he made it out like everything was her fault… (I can remember wondering what did I do wrong when he started turning into the “real him” before I noticed the cheating)

      6. I forgot to say to you OneRedFlower, yes it is funny how it sounds that we all have been dating the same guy with slight variations… I am very amazed at how some peoples stories that I read are so much like mine.. It is crazy how a certain type of people share all the same “evil tendencies”, patterns, methods…

        My socio and I knew eachother since age 5, grew up together, same friends, family friends, church etc.. The first woman he cheated on me with was a woman he met over 20 years ago, when she was 18 at a family reunion in Texas.. The second woman he cheated on me with was a woman that he met in Highschool. They had a “summer romance”
        Both of them, he reconnected on facebook.. With me, I had called him, because one of our mutual friends let me know his father had passed. Sometime after that he was pursuing me, and we were “soulmates” It seems he only goes for women he knew at a way younger age..

        And I have read an experience somewhere on this site, where a woman reconnected with someone from her child hood. And a few months later they married. And a month after marriage, he left..discarded.. Her experience sounded so much like him. It just amazes me how all these Sociopaths are almost the same..

        I truly believe that I was and that I still am much more intelligent than the sociopath that I got entangled with. I believe that I caught on to his b.s. pretty quick. The problem was that I was in love with the illusion, the wonderful man he portrayed himself to be.. But I did get away, and thankfully did not waste years and years of my life with this creep!

    3. Welcome – ND23. Omg – if I didn’t know better, I would swear you were talking about my ex- but he has 1 baby mama and 2 ex-wives. Lol. Currently on #3 “Public” Soulmate who knows how many in-betweeners? Its usually no more than 3 years, why I got 7, idk, I had more $, my opinion? It’s very sad to watch, because of the children involved. I must say he has evolved, I feel bad for the new victims, it must be horrid. He incorporates these women into his smear campaigns against me. I do nothing. I am not defending my self, I have had it. If you have evidence of my wrong doing, show me. I think they don’t care about buying you things, because they take it when they leave, if not it’s a tie which binds you to them, if you give them everything back, no reason to contact you.

      Reply

      1. Thank you NormalIsBoringSoIHeard , I do feel bad for his kids, because he was putting them in the middle of all of his b.s. and drama. They are teens. I believe he just had them staying quiet to all of the different women, me included. It is sad… The last time I spoke to him, was through an email (which he never responded to) I confronted him on everything. I told him that eventually, everyone would catch on to his b.s. and that he could not keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I told him that he was just going in circles, and that he thought he was getting better at this, and I told him that he was not getting better at this and he was definitely going to fail… Looks like I was wrong.. Now that I know what he is.. a sociopath, I realize that he will only get better at deceiving, manipulating and betraying..

      2. I have a friend, grown of course now. Her parents married 25 years. He took them to OW house all the time when they were growing up. They just knew to “shut their mouths”. Parents eventually divorced, father married OW. I try not to let my mind begin to imagine about what horrible secrets my children carry in their hearts, out of love for their father. He will use whatever he can to feel control, and possession over me, (that shipped sailed), and like he’s winning some competition, winning what? The kids love us the same? It’s sickening. 😝!

      3. It is a very sad situation when kids are involved. My ex socio led me to believe he was divorced and they had not been together for 3 years, he had been celibate for 2 years. As things unfolded, I realized that he was still trying to be with the ex wife (and I don’t know if the divorce was ever truly final) He would bring the kids over to our house, he was affectionate towards me in front of them, and they stayed the night, ate meals with us etc. I now think that when he was gone for days or a week at a time for “horse shows” that he was in fact with his ex wife and kids at their house… After speaking with the woman out of state, that he started a relationship with while he was with me, she told me that his daughter had helped pick out the wedding ring that he was going to give her. The woman out of state had a friendship with his 15 year old daughter even though they had never met in person. I am not sure how that happened, unless he was just putting his daughter on the phone with her during different occasions… I just wonder if the daughter ever wanted to tell her mother this was going on or maybe she did and the mom accepted it. It is all very sad, and I am so thankful to be out of that situation.

      4. One thing I won’t forgive him for is getting to know my kids. He shouldn’t have involved them. But I was touched when he said he wanted to get to know them. What a bastard. What a sorry piece of work. He used to say how I’d provided my children with the sort of home he’d have wanted to grow up in. I know he had a dysfunctional childhood. Raised by his grandma, he must have felt unwanted by his parents. Still, it’s not an excuse for his behaviour. Boy, I really hate him right now 😦

      5. @oneredflower I knew my ex socio since I was about 5.. we grew up together in a small church congregation, we had friends from other churches when we all went to camps every summer.. A few years after highschool is when we went our own ways in life.. However, I would still see him from time to time at different events involving people from our church. I remember meeting his wife and kids when they were little, she was a nice lady. He also met my daughter.. When we started our relationship in 2012, he offered to pay for my daughters college (of course if she went to the one of his choosing) He was pretending to be a millionaire!! (obviously another lie) He never did anything for my daughter, but he did try to control how I was raising her. My daughter told me after my relationship with him ended, that she had bad feelings about my ex when he came into my life in 2012. She said that something just was not right about him.. (I wish I had seen that)

      7. @oneredflower, I understand.. I have been a single mom for 20 years now, and sometimes I just want to do for me, instead of what my daughter wants… but I think if she told me she had a bad feeling about him and she was looking out for me I would listen.. she just never did, however she was angry when I went back to him later.

      8. My kids didn’t like my Soc either, my daughter often said I could do better than him & I told her to keep her opinions to herself & not be so judgemental 😦 argh!!! She saw him for what he was, a user & a fake. She told me I deserved someone better but, I didnt believe in myself 😦 I often wanted out as I knew he wasn’t ever going to be good for me but, just kept accepting the unacceptable. I realize that my low self esteem & past relationship trauma attracted his negativity into my life. So now I am rebuilding myself, as this is what my Soc has taught me, if you don’t love yourself fully then you will attract a mate that doesn’t love & value you fully. Does that make sense???
        PR xoxo

      9. My daughter, who was 8 when I began my own private travel to hell, didn’t want to be near him, she always said that he was a bad men. Now she says that he is the one who show her how hate feels. It’s incredible that she was able to see what it took me more than three years to see.

      10. My daughter was 11 & hated him with a passion, I kept them apart for years. As the years passed I hid so much stuff from her about him & as she matured learned to tolerate him on my behalf. I have had to learn to tolerate people I dont care for to keep the peace & I made her do that also. She is 21 now & if I hear ” I told you so”, one more time (sigh) …well, next time I will listen 🙂
        Children are very intuitive, lesson learned ( ouch!)
        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      11. I was so blind that I wasn’t able to see what it was obvious. I made the mistake of believing she was jealous because he was the first man I brought home after more than 7 years of the divorce of her father. I try to keep them apart, being on the middle of a real war…he said to me that maybe we were better if I give to her dad her custody (later I found that his exwife has left two childs to be with him, she said to me that they hated him…then she had 3 more kids with him, and he doesn’t allow contact between the siblings) I’m so ashamed of how I was unable to protect my child and how I found excuses for his conduct. At the same time I am proud of my child she was courageous and shows a resilence and unconditional love for me that I will always be grateful. Your girl is all right? How she used your experience on her own life?
        As I write I felt my anger for todays episode dissappear. ..I know that the best thing is to keep Pinocchio far away and keep the no contact stronger.

      12. I never thought that all these doubts, all these horrible feelings that he brought one time and another will be answered on a place like this, where just words full of emphaty and knowledge will give the peace and understanding that I needed. Thank you! Today, this blog help me to think before acting, to think before reacting to his latest attack. I’m still shaken, but strong.

      13. Hello there, Phoenix Risinh 🙂

        What you say makes perfect sense.

        But OMG!! Very early on, he said to me out of the blue “It gets lonely, doesn’t it?”

        It hit such a nerve and I cried and cried. I remember him saying how cute I looked crying! He must have seen it as a breaktgrough: He now knew my weak spot.

        Being lonely was something I’d denied for a long time. My ex-husband and I split in 2006 after 9 years of marriage. I hadn’t had anyone til the scumbag came along.

        I denied feeling lonely and the fact that the scumbag pointed it out seemed to me a sign. What a fool I was. It was just avsign of h I m being good at reading MY signs.

        This was also when he said to me that it’s ok to settle. What in the world did he mean? Was he urging me to be with him as he suspected I may have seen him as not good enough: much younger, no job etc? Perhaps.

        Well that’s one of the promises I’ve made to myself: No settling! If I’m ever with anyone again, he’ll have to tick ALL the boxes … because I deserve it.

        Another thing I’ve promised myself is to trust my gut instincts. If I think something is not quite right I should pursue it to the max. This is the mistake I made: I trusted him more than i trusted myself 😦

        Dear PR. We must not settle. We deserve the best. We deserve men who are honest and loving and true.

        My ex husband said I shd have expected to be lied to by the scumbag. “He’s young and handsome. Why do you think he’d have really wanted to be with you?” Charming!

        He also said “Everyone lies. Sometimes we lie to ourselves.” I agree that I was lying to myself. I believed what I wanted to and what Scumbag wanted me to.

        Well, I feel ok this morning. It really is getting better every day.

        Thanks to Positivas and you and everyone on this site.

        Love and Peace
        OneRedFlower

  25. @celeste, hi! sorry couldn’t figure out how to reply to your prev note. but, yeah they do take trophies like serial killers. mine was relentless in remembering small things he had left behind after i threw him out of my apt. and i kept having to leave stuff at a 3rd party friends for him to pick up.. the most miniscule, weird stuff. i wondered if it was really just a ploy to keep me engaged on some level – a control thing. so i stopped responding [via 3rd party contact – i wouldn’t answer his texts]. anyway, getting back to the trophy thing, after all this, i had my friend ask him to return some jewelry he had liked of mine and wore alot. was a ring i had custom made and a bracelet… he never returned it. no explanation, but expected me to hand over everything he asked for. i don’t think he kept these things to remind himself of our marvelous relationship – i just thing a. he liked them and b. they are trophies to him of a conquest… i wish i understood better but sorry, i’m a normal human being so i don’t get it. i just know its very, very weird.

    Reply

    1. Hi Socioexed
      The idiot scumbag in my life would keep all the wrapping paper and ribbons from gifts I’d given him. I thought it was cute but not anymore. Once he asked if he could keep my underwear. No way!! What a creep.

      Hating him to the max right now.

      Reply

      1. hey celeste, wow, weirdo maximo. one thing i do know is, they all seem to have a vast variety of strange, OCD type behaviors going on. they are all different but reading thru posts on this site – they ALL have similar traits and do really off kilter shit. mine was really obsessed with himself and would make me take pics of his outfits daily… he would plan them in his sleep and wake up with a full visual of what he was wearing [i work in the fashion industry, he doesn’t but he pretended he did – think was the main attraction to me for him – he LOVED clothes] WTF? why did i do this? same reason as you – thought it was cute at the time. they are so weird. what we see as eccentricity or charming quirks at first, turn out to be just the tip of the psycho iceberg.

        keep telling me stories! i love how crazy these a-holes are. puts a smile on my face to relay the stories. like for example – mine was a total druggy [i am not at all], he liked to take mdma / extacy when he went out – which makes most people act super euphoric and lovey dovey as it heightens your serotonin levels [happy hormones] but when he took it, you couldn’t even tell. weird example but just goes to prove, even on major mood enhancing drugs – he didn’t have any emotional response.

        spooky.

      2. OMG. My ex could drink an entire bottle of vodka and show no sign of it. So weird… I wonder if I they’re all like that.

        I hope he’s continuing with that habit. Would love him to wither away with liver failure 😛

        Cursing him was part of my ritual exercise for exircising him and his memory from my life. I really had fun with alliterative curses: “disease, despair and desolation” was my fave! 🙂

      6. @oneredflower – yes i think that too. if he continues down the path he was on when i left him [which he i’m sure he is] chances are he’ll run into some kind of physical issues. my fav fantasy is when he pops into my head, i grab a rifle and shoot at him. i’m surprised no one has done this in reality because dude has a trail of destruction behind him a mile long.

      7. Oh my Socioexed, you made me LOL.

        I do wonder why they get away with things. The scumbag’s exes all seem to be friends with him. And the most recent one before me told me that she’d always “love him dearly”. This despite him cheating on her repeatedly for two years! Can’t believe it – she must be nuts.

        He used to boast that she forgave him for cheating. When I asked who he’d cheated with he said he hadn’t really … just been texting innocently with an ex and another woman.

        He probably knew I wouldn’t be too keen on him having cheated. I’m very adamant about not doing harm to my fellow women.

        As it turned out, he had really been cheating on her. And yes, she’d forgiven him. She told me that she’d become friends with one of the OW and had learnt that he’d referred to her as a Whore. And she still forgave him. Omg.

        I think I must have been a real shock to him when I didn’t want to be friends and I publicly exposed him. I’m sure he’s used it as “proof” that I’m crazy etc but I really don’t care. I don’t regret what I did as it helped me restore my faith in myself: No one bullies me without receiving some form of retaliation.

        Those cretins that he might have persuaded to believe I’m horrible are not part of my world and are beneath my notice.

        🙂

        Hugs

        OneRedFlower

      8. haha, yeah i like the shooting gallery one. its sort of like shooting ducks at a carnival for me in my mind. i think they get away with things because even though they’re dumb and emotionally crippled, they are expert cons… at least for a while. when they meet smart folks like us that expose their charade – oh they dont like that. mine cheated like there was no tmrw. but always got around it with me somehow. was always a case of “oh i was about to make a bad decision, but i didn’t” or “that text about sucking my d### that i accidently sent you was meant for my friends in group chat, we were just joking”. are you f’ing kidding me? i felt the same way. no one pulls the wool over my eyes like that and gets to walk away scott free. i exposed him in front of 4 of my best friends, threw him out and unbelievably – told everyone he had left!! they are just the most pathetic, controlling egomaniacs you could imagine. i still cannot fathom the BS levels i put up with. its nuts…

      9. Hi 1redflower 🙂

        As you know, some of us have been on this journey & here longer & its strange to see you all at different stages & watch your journey. Just keep talking & sharing & supporting each other as it really does help you transition through to eventual acceptance & freedom 🙂
        I was like you & did expose my Soc & had some impact & he hates me also 😉
        I am probably the first in his harem to actually ‘get it’ re the socio bahavior & the whole ramification of being involved with one 😦
        The OW & others still have contact with him, except me 😉 gee that’s a shame (not)! I don’ t miss being called a slut & a whore, I don’t miss cutting his stinky ingrown toenail, nor do I miss waiting on him or his incessant phine calls . Oh & I don’t miss face slaps & bites & pinches during sex. What I do miss are the occassioal nice dinners & free lunches 🙂 oh well, I still have to eat & do 😉 I saw him the other day & he was driving & stopped at lights, he knew I was there & would not look at me & I took a good hard look & thought to myself, I am so mych better than you, you are nothing to me & no longer exist. This has happened 3 times now & each time I have felt okay, mainly just free. Its weird though that I sense him before I see him? They are the most ridiculous excuses for people.
        One things for sure, if you constantly give out negative forces, they will only attract negative forces back so, I am left in no doubt whatsoever that the evil does catchup with them 😉 This is a fact & something no-one can escape.
        To all the good & decent people here, keep being positive & think in only positive ways. Love yourself & never doubt your ability to feel & be real. You will triumph in the end, I have 🙂 Speak your truth & keep the faith.
        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      10. Hi PR
        Thanks for the inspiring and encouraging words.

        Today’s been quite a bad day for me … not as bad as in the beginning when I’d cry for hours but bad anyway.

        In the five months we were together he was never actually overtly mean to me. On hindsight he never put me first or did anything to indicate that he wanted to spend time with me (I felt I was always clock watching) but there was no physical abuse. I do realise, however, there was subtle and devious mental and emotional abuse designed to really kick in once I knew of the deceit and manipulation.

        Today I kept feeling sad because I kept thinking to myself “He didn’t care”. I really loved him and I think he knew that so it seems all the more heartless that he deceived me.

        A good friend of mine, a wise elderly man and his wonderful wife who are like foster parents to me, met him and found him glib and shallow. But they saw how much I was in love and said nothing … after all there is no crime in being shallow. When I told them what happened and how shocked and distressed I was over the deception, my friend said “You should not credit him with any moral integrity.”

        That’s true enough. And that’s my mistake … imagining that he has feelings and standards and codes of conduct like the rest of us. It makes his behaviour so totally unfathomable that I keep wondering if I’ve missed something or if I did anythingbto cause it.

        Of course I didn’t cause him to be a deceitful scumbag. It’s not my fault. He’s not a normal, functioning person with a conscience. Instead of wondering “What did I ever do to deserve him treating me like crap?” I should be telling myself “His default setting b is to treat everyone like crap.”

        I have to stop finding reasons for his horrible behaviour. I have to stop wondering if I did something wrong.

        It was all about him. He did it all. He told the lies and pretended to love me. He behaved despicably cos he’s just too low down in the village foodchain to be able to behave well, honestly and honourably.

        I’ve said before that he now writes for the online edition of a newspaper and his column byline says that he’s a medical student whose background in psychology allows him to be a lifecoach to his friends. OMG. Makes me puke. He had a couple of terms in med school but flunked out from partying throughout. He’s a fraud. It’s disgusting.

        So … I shd really know better than to think any of it is my fault.

        I shd really forget all abt him.

        I already feel better, thanks to your reply, and the other comments on this site.

        I WILL triumph over the scumbag. He WILL NOT win.

        Thank you.

        Love and Peace
        OneRedFlower

      11. Hi 1redflwr 😉

        Awww you did nothing wrong 😦 none of us did. Sadly these people exist & like you I had no idea. 10 years was a very long time to be gamed but, I believed my Soc had integrity etc… The fact he was a commander in the fire dept made me think only someone with great integrity & compassion would hold this position. Its awful to think wev’e been duped but, we are not alone & many have gone before us & many more will go behind us 😦
        Still you must realise that without this experience ( could have done without it I know) has brought us to a much higher awareness of ourselves & these awful predators. Your friends, like mine, saw that these people were flawed but, being good friends did not tell us for fear of hurting us or being rejected. I was warned & still chose to stay blind 😦 why, for fear of them being right & failing in yet another relationship. I so wanted to believe he was a good guy but, alas here we are.
        My journey has been long & hard but, I am pretty much through it now & am so sorry you are still in such pain 😦
        Remember that his whole life is a lie & that he can only make up a life. You are real & authentic & no-one can take that from you. You are worthy & deserving of better & my dear you will have better from here on 🙂 believe in yourself, love yourself, your a blessing to the world & you will rise from the ashes & be a bigger, stronger, braver version of You 🙂
        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      12. I am not sure about the trophy thing with my ex socio. I moved out of the house we rented together, I moved out last November 2012. I was trying to get out of there as fast as I could, he was becoming abusive, and giving me these cold, creepy stare downs… When I was trying to pack my things, he would stop me, and hold me down for at least an hour at a time. I couldn’t breathe because of the weight of him on top of me. He had me pinned and I could not move. I asked him to stop and he would not.. He just laughed at me. So.. I had to move things when he was not around. And still to this day over a year later, I am still remembering things I left behind. Dishes, pillows, sheets, furniture… I don’t think I left any clothing… Just a lot of other stuff, but its not worth it to get it back to deal with him again. (Its crazy now that I can think logically about it, why I went back to him after I originally left. I never moved back, I just let him back in my life.. last march 2013 he asked me to move back in with him, of course I said no)

      13. @newday – that is horrible. i’m sorry to hear that happened to you. sounds very abusive and traumatic. what an a-hole. i understand the pinch to stay tho. mine got violent sometimes too, but it was usually threats and lunges at me more than anything. once at a party we went to, he was [as usual] openly trying to pick someone up right in front of my face and i snapped, we went outside and i was screaming at him – i’d had enough of his BS and cheating ways. he then choked me and slapped me really hard on the side of the head and i was partially deaf for 2 weeks. should’ve left him then and there, but i didn’t. stayed with him for a few more months… crazy a-hole.

      14. @socioexed I am so sorry to hear you went through that!! And I am happy to hear you are out of that situation.. Even though we are away from them, It is still pretty damaging. It is hard enough to trust someone, for me, he was someone I knew my whole life, he betrayed me worse than anyone has ever!

      15. @new day. yes i am glad we are away from them, but the hardest part for me has been getting him out of my head. we were only together and lived together for a year – but his mission was to control, con and extort me as much as he could til i’d had enough, it was a joke to him. recovering from the pain of that type of fraud and also just the insane level of control he had over me is very tough. but as you said, glad to be out of the situation. who knows what could’ve happened next. be strong, there are others out here who know what you’re going thu. it sucks but at least know we have opportunities on the horizon. staying with these guys keeps you trapped, tired, scared and debilitated. no way to live…

      16. @SocioExed, in response to a few of your posts..

        I can’t get my ex-socio out of my head yet either, but I can see I am making progress. From May to July of 2013, I cried every morning and night… Now I don’t cry. I just wonder what was I ever thinking, why did I give that loser a chance with me ever!! Why does this guy STILL rent space in my head? We also were only together for a year or little more.. (we lived together for 2 1/2 months, when I found out he was cheating… I stayed 3 more weeks, while setting him up so that I could expose him to the other woman #1. I would have purposeful intimate conversations through text so that she could see we were in an active romantic relationship. I took pictures of the entire house. 90 % of the contents were mine. (See, he was planning to bring her to visit “his” house after he got me to move out due to his elaborate story of these random guys out of state offering him $500K to move to Cali to trade stocks for them, this stupid story is what helped me realize I was being cheated on) I planned to let her see all of these pics, just in case she didn’t believe me. I knew there was no job offer.

        And you are right @SocioExed, We do have New Opportunities ahead and we don’t need these Crazy, Deranged Losers holding us back!! (My words, Lol..)

        Sorry to hear he was choking and slapping you!! My ex put his hands around my throat a lot, made me nervous.. He also told me he was going to start hitting me and beating me,, he even let me know what behavior from me that would cause it. I was having nightmares. Everything was gradual with him.. I thank God for protecting me when I was in that situation, and I pray to God to protect anyone else going through this!

        But we are survivors!! And everything is going to be OK!! We just have to remember to FOCUS on what we Want moving forward, not the opposite…

      17. awesome advice and thank you. this totally made my day. i’m good at rationalizing things but honestly it doesn’t make the daily pains or the struggle any easier, it just puts a frame around things. probably its just time that really heals. i’m finding it easier to sleep at night now [still have nightmares though] and now some days are better than others, as opposed to everyday being a nightmare. what does help is support and understanding. i’ve found so much solace on here since i split with my SP 2 mths ago. so many people of all shapes and sizes in the same boat… its good not to feel alone and its good to know i’m not crazy, this happens to others and affects us all pretty much in the same way, its not a normal break up, because its not a normal person. keep me posted and stay strong.

        x

      18. @SocioExed I do very much appreciate everything you are saying because I can completely relate!! And you are right, none of this is normal!! I am so happy that I could encourage you today!! Our thoughts do control our lives, our thoughts also create our future… and as soon as we get these losers out of our minds, we will finally be on the FAST track moving forward!! I realize that it is a process and can take time. In the past, I have buried my pain and kept on going, but this time, I decided to deal with the pain, endure it, and do what it takes to heal… This was an experience like no other and could not be ignored. I am going to be SURE to never get entangled with another Socio-path, if I ever see the signs or have bad feelings, I am running far away as possible and I am running FAST!!! Life is way too short for B.S., Drama, and abuse!! So… you have only been out of your relationship for a couple of months? It sounds like you are doing pretty good, but I know there are ups and downs!! So you keep your head up also, stay strong also!! And you are definitely in my prayers!! I will create a new email and post it soon in case you ever want to talk outside of here, anyone can contact me through the other email if they want to talk!!

    2. @Positiva, yes it is a way to maintain us engaged and mantain on their weird way control. Today, after so many time of no contact my Pinnochio contacted me using another phone (it looks like he changed his number) Asking me if I was interested on a coat, pjs and other clothes if I didn’t answer he will assume that I don’t have interest and will put them on trash. All these things have been on his house for more than 2 yearshe never asked about it, he never brought rhem with him on his multiple travels to my home. He doesn’t mention anything about the other things I left at his home, my laptop, my Ipad, my tv, my apple tv and other valuables he took. I have to use all my strength to not answer what he deserves, to put this new number on my blocked calls list, and to not break no contact asking him to send my other things and the money he owes me. Instead I’m here writing and seeing how he is still trying to have control that he is still getting me out of balance. 8-/ Sigh!!

      Reply

      1. @no more insanity. it is NOT worth going back for stuff, nor returning stuff. it just prolongs the pain. i gave up after 2 weeks of back and forthing. i sort of cam to the realization that he is so emotionally retarded that it was his only way of attempting to maintain contact with me for a short period. his pride levels are so high he could only ever operate under the guise of some ‘need’ or ‘necessity’ to get near me. i mean this is the type of person who would physically shake if i tried to sit him down and ‘talk’. one of the things that really freaked me out about him. they are scary, scary people. stay away, let go.

      2. I am not worried about the things, the money and all the bad investment I did on him. I’m just so angry of how he is still reclaiming the “right” to have control over me. I don’t know how to express it, but I’m so angry of how easy he still unbalance my life.

    3. Hi Socio;

      This might be a bit long, but hopefully it will give you a little giggle. When I finally was able to leave my ex, I filed for divorce. He did not hire an attorney, signed anything I handed him, and didn’t show up for the hearing. I personally believe he was so invested in the next woman, and so arrogant about how smart and clever he is, he never gave what might happen a second thought.

      All of our belongings – his, mine, and ours – were in a storage unit in SoCal and we were living in Central Texas. Because I was being nice, my attorney wrote up the agreement so that everything that he had in his possession would remain his, everything in mine would remain mine. This is the agreement he signed without reading it.

      Here’s the good part…. before we split, he had been using my laptop and never logged out of his Yahoo chat. So when I went to use myself one evening, his user opened and I was able to read his chat history on a daily basis. I discovered shortly after we split, he and his new woman were going to drive from Texas to California to clean out the storage unit once his new woman had moved in and she was settled – this one was being imported from Delaware; the big man let her buy her own bus ticket to get to Texas!!

      Fortunately, I have family in CA, not far from where we put our belongings into storage, so they went through the unit and removed everything that belonged to me. Needless to say after living together for 11 years, things were packed into boxes according to what they were not who owned them previously. So I ended up with some of his stuff, including trophies from his previous wives.

      He has accused me of stealing artwork that is on the New Zealand Registry of National Art Treasures, the family jewels, Christmas trees, the tour jacket that Tina Turner gave him right after he declined to sleep with her “because he was a married man”…. he has been nuts over this for almost an entire year, culminating on Thanksgiving Day with a meltdown over my Betty Crocker cookbook. He needs it because he is going to start cooking school and his mentor, Guy Fieri, told him he needed it. For the record, his previous mentor was Sir Edmund HIlary.

      And if you are wondering.. there was never any historic artwork, no family jewels, and he was constantly trying to get me to get rid of my Christmas trees, because I have 8 of them and he hates Christmas! The cookbook belonged to my mother and it has a yummy fudge recipe taped in the front cover.

      Reply

      1. Wow!! @Celeste My ex-sociopath also made up a lot of Elaborate Stories about himself as well,, never told a Tina Turner Story,, but he had “so many” elaborate things that he supposedly accomplished including being an NFL football player for kc chiefs and san diego chargers in the 90s, a bull rider in texas, A big realestate investment boss who sent his employees and their families on expensive cruises paid by him, he was also a pro-boxer, and he was a war Veteran from Desert Storm, He owned farms in texas and paid for all of the equipment for his family to farm the land and he was nice enough to let them have the profits, he also owned land in Missouri, and he go the profits from the corn sales of the farmers who worked on “his land”
        (All Lies, LOL) He told these lies so much, that in his world they were reality!!

      2. I wish I had written down all the stories and lies … there are so many I don’t know if I could ever catalog them all! There are times I do feel sorry for him because it was becoming apparent that he had told so many lies he couldn’t keep them straight – it must be awful to be so confused all of the time. But then, being a SP/N maybe he didn’t even realize that he was confused…..?

      3. dunno about you but he kept me so confused i didn’t know left from right half the time – let alone keep track of whatever web of lies was being served. mine was pretty uncreative because he has virtually no distinguishable emotions apart from anger. so part of the confusion to me was trying to locate in him where these ‘untapped’ things were hidden. stuck up his arse like his head i imagine…

      4. I didn’t have to deal with anger until after he got his US Citizenship. He was clever enough to realize that he had to be nice to get what he wanted and you can’t rush Uncle Sam. And since housing was in my name and I was the one working, he knew that he had to control his temper somewhat in order to keep his free ride.

        But his lies were carefully crafted, clever and sometimes pretty entertaining when you take them in the context of a lie. And he lied about things that are absolutely unnecessary. Like if we were driving somewhere and I fell asleep, he would tell me all about horrendous accidents that I “missed” while sleeping. He told me he worked in a school lab when attending classes where his father was the Professor Emeritus of the department and his father’s academic enemy pushed him into a vat of formaldehyde! A vat of formaldehyde?!?! When you look at the stores separate from the situation, they are really amazing works of fiction. LOL

      5. jesus – yeah the formaldehyde one is off the planet. i see so he had a vested interest in holding the nasty guy back… at least until his papers were done. mine was different, he didnt have so much at stake… just needed a roof over his head. so h’e be f’ing hideous but then find a way to make it up to me. was a rinse and spin cycle, i got used to it and sometimes even enjoyed it because i knew the mean a-hole routine would be followed by the saint. i think they convince themselves they care about us to keep the act up. but they don’t. the lying always ends up being the biggest show of their true despise for us. who would lie in these ways to someone they care about? well… a sociopath, thats who. i wish i’d recorded some of the rages my dude had… they were scary most of the time but so ridiculous at the same time that sometimes i would actually burst into laughter… one time i caught him cheating from a text he’d sent some guy on his phone. when i confronted him [wait for it] his response was ‘i think we should just break up, i mean how can i ever trust you again after checking my phone?’

        ARE YOU F’ING KIDDING ME? [yes i laughed – even tho i was devastated]

      7. I think it was pretty easy for him to hold the nasty guy back really. I worked and had to commute about 100 miles a day – in Los Angeles traffic – so I was gone at least 12 hours a day, and for the most part he didn’t work and had access to the money, so he was happy as a pig in slop.

        I got a promotion and began traveling all over the US which made him jealous – not only of the travel, but he was constantly talking about the men I was meeting. Really? Life out of a suitcase & hotel is not as glamorous as they make it out on TV and I loved him. I never looked at another man for the entire length of the relationship, but he never really trusted me.

        Trust… it was a major problem in our relationship. He never trusted me and I finally guessed it was because he knew nothing but lies and his assumption was because he lied about everything, that everyone else did too. Did anyone experience not being trusted by their SPath??

      8. he never seemed to care what i did in my own time so i can’t say the trust issues were on his side. i had MAJOR trust issues with him for obvious reasons [wandering eye syndrome, busted cheating etc]. i often wished he’d show some signs of jealousy or something… but he never did. he did say on several occasions that IF he caught me cheating that he’d leave right then and there. but he would also say that he ‘knew i would never cheat’. which was true. i just don’t think he cared much for me obviously. anyway, i guess they’re all different. my SP was an egomaniacal narc, so i think he was so utterly closed off emotionally he couldn’t even imagine someone [or me] ever deceiveing him in that way. i don’t think he could relate to the pain it would cause. because he didn’t when i busted him! no remorse, no sorry… just said he felt embarrassed… i guess because he got exposed.

        i’m still often times bewildered, no idea how someone could be so cold. haven’t heard from him since. not a thing.

      9. Hi Celeste, they accuse you of everything they are guilty of so, you will find the patterning amazing!
        I was accused of cheating etc…..& he had moved in with another woman!
        Lol they are amazingly predictable & yes you will feel you are dating the same guy 😦 we all know too well, everything you say. They devalue us & you value them, they lie, you are honest, they cheat, you are faithful, they are fake, you are real 🙂 Don’t take it personally, you can’t as being here will make you realize you are one of many but, we are alk great people who unsuspectingly met a Sociopath. None of us realized they existed, nor the extent if them. Thanks to this site, we can share & support & we have knowledge on our side. We know more about them & we will never be taken for this ride again.
        Just keep reading & supporting & eventually you will get clear of this. This is part of the healing & I have been here in ‘rehab’ since June & Positiva has saved my sanity 🙂

        PR xoxo

      10. wow! what a psycho! and oh my the lies…!! but i love that you got into the storage unit first. nice little touch there… and a nice little ‘F’ you.

        i just started thinking that no matter what happens tho, just getting away from them makes us the winners in the end. i’ve had so many fantasies about ways to get back at him, expose him etc. only to realize the best possible way to do that has happened quite naturally – i’m gone from his life 100% and he can’t contact me. so no more control, no more abuse, no more someone to shit on.

        was chatting with my therapist last week and i asked him ‘i wonder if he has the ability to miss me?’ my shrink had the best answer ever, he said “oh he misses you alright, misses having you to shit on”

        so true…

  26. Wow, I see that now that I am going back and remembering the first lie, that I am remembering and realizing more and more lies..
    This ex-socio of mine, I knew since I was a small child. I have been trying to remember if there was anything “not right” growing up.. I know that when we were small, he got in trouble a lot, but as teens he seemed “normal”. He fit right in with the rest of us. And he seemed to be a really good person. I never had any reason to think different. Obviously I did not truly know him.. There are a few of our mutual friends growing up, that I have talked to.. and one has told me about a few “incidents” she remembers of him as a teen being selfish and hateful towards others. I am pretty sure that he was always this way (just behind his mask) I believe that he has evolved over the years and he is a very professional, seasoned sociopath…

    I can remember that when him and I were together I was looking at pictures of him as a teen and kid.. I remember telling him that he was not the same guy, that he even looked different. I could see it in his eyes. His eyes were not the same.. I would say things like “Are you sure you are not a look like pretending to be this guy I knew before?”

    The more I think of it, the more I realize that I was having different feelings about him all along. I also can remember him changing his personality at least 8 times in one conversation. I mentioned before how he talked non-stop. Well he could change his tone of voice, accent and personality 8 times in an hour. For example, he grew up in the “hood” inner city, high crime area, but he also had family that lived on farms, In the past 9 years he has raised horses. He was taking college classes. He traded his own stocks online. He tried to tell me he was an NFL Pro football player in the 90s ( I could never find proof) So… he could talk like “hood talk” sounding ghetto, five minutes later sound like a farmer “hick talk”, then he was sounding like a “football” player using that tone, then he would sound extra “studious” and highly educated. After that, he would sound like a financial genius and talk like a business man, then he was a “cowboy” (slightly different personality than the farmer) There were some other personalities in there, but I think you get the point.. In the beginning I thought he was amazing.. because of all of his “experience” And all he truly was, was an “actor” and “liar”

    Also, his moods would go from being so sweet and caring, to hateful and mean… I would cry all day, then he would come home and be sweet and caring all over again, like nothing happened earlier. It was as if he forgot being hateful and tearing me down…. One minute he hated me, the next minute he was in love with me all over again!

    Reply

    1. thats because thats what they all do. they are all the same. they love you [not really], they hate you [really]. they care and are sweet one day [fraud] and nasty and mean the next [their true selves] these people hate themselves by hating us… its all a projection in my opinion. what disgusts them about themselves they hate in us. like we have emotions, are vulnerable, care, love, are flexible, believing, trusting. its all weakness to them… in order for them to feel in control and strong, they must wipe those things out of their mind… and if we are there reminding them of these ‘weak’ emotions, we need to be wiped out as well!

      Reply

      1. @SOCIOEXED thank you for that response! really helps to put things in perspective, helps me to be able to communicate with others who understand what I went through, and also helping me understanding my situation even better!

      2. i struggle too, alot. and the thing is, people who have not been in a relationship with a disordered person, have NO idea what its like. its not a normal break up. its torture with no reasonable explanation… til you wind up here!! the more you read, the better you feel. positiva always says that this is not personal for these guys, its just business. it hurts but after a while i found peace in that. what he did to you, he will do to the next. we are but mere pawns in their sick games.

        but of course – we get chosen for a reason… because we’re awesome.

        they hate that.

        x

      3. Thank you @SocioExed

        I realized before that he only chose really great women.. and when I realized that he was in fact a sociopath, that information alone has helped me to move forward in the healing process…

        Something that I wanted to ask PositivaGirls, yours, or anyone else’s opinion…

        Do you think there is any possible way that they make a “true change” for the better, to be better for the next person they are with? I ask this because, before I realized that I was dealing with a Sociopath, I contacted the 2nd Other Woman that he cheated on me with. I told her my experience with him. (I know now that it was a mistake. In my mind, I was simply trying to save her from what I went through, the inevitable)

        At the time that I had contacted her, he had not seen her in over 20 years. He had initially contacted her through Facebook and he was making a lot of promises to her. He wanted to marry her. She had moved out of state awhile back. He was working on her from afar. They had not entered the relationship quite yet. She had told him that he was moving too fast and she slowed everything down to friends only.. At that time. (So at that time, I was thinking since she was not emotionally involved that she could use good common sense after hearing what I had to say)

        After hearing my experience, the 2nd other woman told me that “As women we need to love and respect ourselves more than the men in our lives, other wise they will mistreat and disrespect us.” So essentially she was telling me that since I did not respect or love myself, that is why he did these horrible things to me… Or maybe she was saying that men will never treat us right unless we love ourselves more than them.. She also told me that if I allow myself to be a doormat, men will always walk all over me.

        It seems to me that the 2nd other woman thinks that as long as she Loves and Respects herself more than she loves and respects my ex, that he will never do these things to her. She even told me that “she would NOT allow him to do these things to her” In my opinion, she is simply a BIGGER challenge for him to complete. And of course, he will gain much GREATER satisfaction in the end, when he succeeds. ( He is obsessed with challenges)

        About a month ago, she posted a status on social media that said, “A man does not change because a woman loves him, he changes because he loves the woman. #TrueStory”

        Is she really that stupid?? In my opinion, it is not our job to “groom” a man into a good man, instead we need to simply choose wisely. She already had plenty of info from me. She knew what he had already done to at least 4 other women besides me. She knew all of this before entering the relationship.. But somehow she thinks that she is different, better than the other women that he degraded.. She knew that he was still with me, when he started with her, when he told her she was the woman of his dreams, that he wanted to marry her. She also knows that this is how he has approached all the rest of us.
        She knows that he lied about each and every relationship and every woman and has bad mouthed us… What makes her think it wont happen to her also?

        In my opinion, he will not change. He will only get better at what he does. Obviously I will not worry about all the women he comes across in the future, I can’t. I know its my job to just worry about myself. At the time I tried to help the 2nd other woman, because he was still with me, and I knew that there was no way he was being sincere with her. I was still deeply involved in this situation and I felt she deserved to know. Not only was he with me, he was also trying to get back with the 1st other woman and his ex-wife, all at the same time…. The 2nd Other woman knew ALL of this before getting involved with him. She does not realize this, but if the man starts the relationship out with a lie, then he is not really serious about her in his future…

        It is just a matter of time before she sees “the real him” so to speak, if she has not seen him already.. His mask will fall off, and maybe her rose colored glasses will fall off as well.. I am just wondering if she will ever realize that I was right, that I was being honest with her, that I was sincerely trying to help her by empowering her with crucial information about him…

        Or will he make a true and sincere change within himself, will he truly be the soul mate that she thinks he is?

      4. no, he will not change, he can’t. what WILL happen is that he will get more skilled and sharper based on these new ‘challenges’ as you so aptly put it.

        no, it is not our job to groom bad men to be good [or any man or woman for that matter]. and being sensitive and loving does not equate to ‘weakness’ in my book. it requires a great deal of strength to love freely, honestly and truly – this is why the socio becomes the coward he is, because he is unable to function on a normal emotional level… he covers his shame and guilt and jealousy around this by blaming, shaming, abusing and pointing the finger at otherwise well adjusted, smart, attractive people like us.

        they hate us because we have everything they don’t, they want to break that. i think it makes them angry unconsciously. in my opinion its the reason we feel so pained after the fact because at first they are very attracted to these parts of us but essentially want to destroy it simultaneously. its fucked up logic… my heart goes out to you for even thinking you could possibly have anything to do with his mistreatment of you. its not you, its what you have and the sociopaths inherent desire to destroy it for their never ending, insatiable apetite to control, devalue and discard… total power lust. he wont change honey. he’ll just get more and more skilled… stay away from him.

        x

      5. Thank you for the reply and encouragement, @Socioexed, I am definitely NOT entertaining the idea of ever coming near him again!! I am so happy to have my life back.. If I ever see him around my home, I will call the police!! Believe that!! 🙂 I think that part of me just wants to be right about what I told other woman #2, since she apparently thinks “he changed his ways, just for her” Part of me doubts that he will stay the same.. Part of me thinks that he sees her as better than me, that she is a woman worth changing for. I know that is not true… And I am pretty sure, he will think he can come back around! Not! He will never get any verbal response from me… Nothing positive or negative… Silence only. In the first stages of the mistreatment, yes I did think it was something I did wrong. When I realized he was cheating, I realized that it was him, not me.. of course it was a battle in my mind back and forth… but when I spoke with Other Woman #2, she was telling me that he did it simply because I allowed it.. I don’t take what she says to heart, I think she is pretty Naïve..

      6. hmmm, have you ever considered she’s a SP also? she sounds insensitive, self absorbed and mean… sound familiar? could be a match made in heaven [hell?] for that reason. thank god she’s taken him off the market… one less predator our there looking for prey!!

      7. @SocioExed That is a GREAT point! And that thought has actually crossed my mind, since she does appear to be very self absorbed…mean, insensitive..

        I have looked at some of her posts on social media and she does seem very arrogant and into herself. Before, I thought she was a nice person.. after talking with her, I was having my doubts… It is funny, because I saw a post where she put up a pic of a Chinese fortune, telling her that she was coming into a fortune… (He used to tell me that he was a millionaire, of course everyone on this site, knows that is a big fat lie) But I was just laughing to myself, because she has no idea, he is probably after what money she does have…. There is absolutely no fortune with him!!

        A match made in heaven/hell (lol) I don’t know… sounds interesting if 2 sociopaths get together, what will happen!! And you are right, it is good she has him off the market, however if she is a good person, he will win the game most likely and on to the next target.

      8. honestly, all things aside, i think its best if you stay away from both of them… the further you get away, the better. staying in touch with him or whomever his latest target is, is only going to prolong the pain for you.]

        i have a strict no contact rule in place for myself and this includes all social media including mutual friends [i blocked him and anyone related]

        it takes a bit of effort but you can get through this. be tough on the contact, including 3rd party affiliates and current targets!

        x

      9. I absolutely agree with regard to No Contact.

        For a while I was weak but it did me no good … just hurt me.

        I realised the only way was to be very strict with myself. I actually deleted my fb and twitter accounts … That’s how important I think NC is. I’ve also made it impossible to search for anything fb or twitter related. I haven’t figured out how to make it impossible to search for their names but I no longer need that precaution. I’m truly over the urge.

        🙂

        Love and Peace
        OneRedFlower

      10. good to hear. i lapsed once or twice too and paid for it. was just a bout of texting but the damage those few texts did after the fact was not good. altho it did make me see how hell bent he was on having the control in the end. that was prob about 6 weeks ago. since then nothing, i’m finally starting to feel good that he’s now gone and i really just don’t want to know what he’s up to, but i’m sure its the same shit, just a different set of individuals. funny, this time last year i remember being at a holiday party with him a bunch of my friends threw. the only thing that sticks out in my mind was seeing him exchanging numbers with the only other gay guy in the room. that was back in the early stages [we met oct 2012] but even then, i still questioned it. you probably know the response – ‘oh come on babe, i was just being friendly, don’t be so paranoid and insecure, its not cute’…

        ugh.

      11. I didn’t have to delete my Facebook – he unfriended me when I wouldn’t give him my cookbook! LOL

      12. ugh – like a pathetic spoilt child. i think they suffer from major arrested development. mine seemed stuck at about 15 or 16. or at least his reactions told me so… ironically the age at which his father left them. who i think was also a massive socio narc. the dad was a serial cheater and i suspect a controlling bastard. so – guess it passes down the generations. actually mine has a twin, who seems pretty normal. i knew his brothers GF pretty well and i always used to say ‘you got the nicer one’.

      13. Oh mine unfriended me too and blocked me. But he told me he’d deleted his account. I trusted him so much I didn’t investigate. Later I realised that he’d done what he did because she had started to post pics of them canoodling and there was a danger that I’d see the pics.

        Ugh I feel sick now thinking about his sneakiness.

        😦

      14. Hi ND23,
        The OW in my saga ( I call it a saga because,it really has turned out to be one!) she’s a Dr if Sociology ( yep studies & lectures in human behavior!)
        She’s not a Soc but, her title & money gave her a superiority but, the woman I met was not powerful or self assured. Just the opposite really, she was very pleasant, wears hearing aides & I think had been hitting the bottle. My Soc would love to see her driven to drink because, that gives him the edge, keeps her down & unable to think clearly. I was saddened for her to see her like that 😦 still I could not save her & it is her choice to stay & be gamed. Still, I am just waiting for her to make contact oneday when she finally ‘walks the Soc plank’…..I hope she jumps ship before that happens though. I don’t wish her any unwell or harm, after all, I was her once 😦 but am finally free & feeling great 🙂 PR x

      15. Hi Pheonix Rising

        I am so glad that you are FREE and Feeling GREAT!! That is great news!!

        I guess it is hard to not worry about the OWs because we already know what will happen to them. It is inevitable. Its just a matter of time. Its too bad that lady is a Doctor of Sociology and does not see this already.. Unfortunately we can tend to lose our logic when love or the “promise of love” is involved. Love is something that all humans need, and sometimes we will sacrifice what we shouldn’t in order to get it, or think we are getting it.

        If she ever makes contact with you, hopefully you can help her out in the healing process… I have a feeling that OW#2 may never contact me. It might be a pride thing. But who knows…

      16. That the OW stay with the soc is an indication they believe that is what they deserve. Until they believe differently, they will delude themselves (and you, if you provide info) with lies that keep them bound. It’s just the nature of an abusive relationship, unfortunately. Sometimes, we abuse ourselves, sometimes, we let others do it, if we’re comfortable with that.

      17. Hi Socioexed, the OW wont stop the Soc gaming others, no matter what she thinks, they are never satisfied with one, their egos wont allow it. He will be preying on others while she sits & wonders where he is. If she knows whats he’s like, everytime he goes AWOL, it will eat away at her because, she will know exactly what he’s doing. The lies will eventually wear thin & then the cycle will repeat. The OW in my saga travels a lot so, that will be ample opportunity to abuse her mentally as the trust is well & truly gone. I know myself that the seeds of doubt, eat away at you forever once you are aware if wrongdoing so, don’t worry about the OW, just focus on your own way back to being whole again. You are a survivor & deserve to be happy 🙂 keep going & be brave & strong. PR xoxo

      18. Hi again, Pheonix Rising,

        I really appreciate what you have said here, because that is one thing that bothers me is if he will change for another woman after what he did to me..

        Sadly, he just gets better at his game!! I thank God for the gift of discernment!! 2 months after we got into our relationship, we got a house together (a rental) and within less than a month, I started to notice the lies. In fact by month 2 of living together, I noticed a huge lie, and that was the turning point of our relationship. Because I confronted the lie, he started giving me the cold shoulder, being mean and hateful and he started looking for another “back up plan” which was OW #1, He started relationship with her on facebook and on the phone until he flew out to California to see her less than a month after contact. I moved out of the house 3 1/2 months after we moved in together. If I had been smarter, I would have never looked back… But after a month, of moving out, he was back in my life. I was strong enough to move out, but too weak to completely shut him out. I was still in love with that wonderful man he portrayed himself to be.

        I believe that I must of been the “back up plan” to his ex-wife, and when he saw that I was catching on to his lies, to the real him, he realized that I was not going to be a very good “back up plan” so he needed to find another “back up plan” See, I realized that he cannot be alone, and therefore always had to have a “back up plan” That showed me that he never truly loved himself.. The fact that he could not be alone and the fact that he constantly told elaborate lies about himself and his accomplishments.

        Back to what you were saying… “the seeds of doubt” I definitely planted seeds with OW #2. I was hoping she would be smart and not let him b.s. her, but you are right, the seeds of doubt will always be in her mind..
        Maybe that will help her in the long run. And like you said I just need to focus on me and becoming whole again!

        -NewDay

      19. Hi Newday
        I too wish someone had warned me.

        When I confronted his best friend abt not telling me abt the OW, he said it’d been none of his business. He said he’d advised my ex to come clean and that was all he could do. What rot.

        I don’t know for sure how I’d have reacted to a woman warning me. Might I have not have believed her? Nevertheless I think I needed the “seeds of doubt” to be planted. It might have made me more vigilant and alert to bs.

        When I made contact with the OW (the one he’s now with) she said to me (through twitter) “He lied to me too.” Yes he did! And yet there she was … still with him. From her tweets I saw she’d been very hurt by the revelation that I existed. She wondered if he was comparing her to me. She called it off. She said he didn’t know the meaning of sorry. She wondered if he saw me when he woke next to her. All that and still, ultimately, she stayed.

        God knows what he said to her to make her decide to be with him. He’s such a great liar and I know how charming and convincing he can be but I think she’s still totally stupid.

        I shd not be wasting energy thinking abt her or him but it’s hard not to. I resent them both. And I guess I’m jealous, against my better judgement. It’s not that I want to be back in that relationship of deceit. I just want not to hurt anymore and I guess I miss the feeling of being loved and wanted … altho I now see that there was actually just lip service of this and the evidence was that he actually didn’t want to give me too much of his time.

        I hope today will be a better day for me. I feel all done-in 😦

      20. I know exactly how you feel OneRedFlower!!

        I think I feel that same resentment towards both of them.. One thing I have to remember is to feel sorry for the Socio, because he is a pathetic excuse for a human being and will never be happy, and feel sorry for the OW#2, because eventually she will be devastated, most likely worse than I was, even after she was warned. So… essentially, she has welcomed this future devastation into her life.

        I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain… I hope that I have not added to it today by all of my talking. One thing that I heard in late Sept 2013, at a Christian Womens Conference.. This was an amazing event with over 5000 women there. one of the speakers said “That you have to wipe away the tears to see the miracle” That really stuck with me.. And I know that we all have a miracle coming, what has happened to us was not done to us, it was done for us!! We are being prepared by our difficult past for our glorious future!! See, God works everything out (the good and the bad) for our better good…If you read the bible, check out Romans 8:28…(its kind of like baking a cake, not all the ingredients are good, for example raw eggs, flour, they don’t taste so good alone, but when you put all the ingredients together, you have an amazing tasting cake!! That’s how our lives are. Not everything is great, but you put it all together and it makes us WONDERFUL!!
        See what was meant for your harm, God is using for YOUR greater good, so stay in Faith..
        Believe that there are great things coming your way, because they are!!

        also we just need to see the TRUTH, learn the LESSON and EVOLVE..

        There is a song by Gary Allan “Every Storm Runs out of Rain” It is a really good song, look it up if you can.. It is true though, every storm does run out of rain, night always turns to day, and every heartache does fade away…

        I am sorry that you were hurt so badly, I understand, because I was too… I truly believe that when we are tested by fire we are being prepared for greatness! I also believe that you will find TRUE Love in the future!! Just give yourself time to heal, and do things good for yourself.. Take some time to love yourself and be happy. I was told before that we attract into our lives what we are.. So I need to make a list of what I want in a man, then I need to be that..

        1. Love myself
        2. Be Happy

        I need those two at the top, of course trustworthy, loyal, respect, honest, loving, caring… I am sure all of us on this site are that way, I know for a fact we did not attract these weirdos to us…unfortunately we were preyed upon by evil predators looking for all of that goodness in us to tear down for their own sick satisfaction.. but we cannot focus on what they did to us. We don’t want to bring that back into our lives!~

        I hope you start feeling better oneredflower!! Maybe if you can watch a funny movie that could help get your mind off things for a bit!!

        I truly wish you the best and you deserve it!!

      21. Hi 1redflwr 🙂
        You will feel ‘ done in’ & i had all the same thoughts & reactions, its exhausting! Please know this is a normal responce, you have been traumatised, not just by the demise if the relationship but, the full ramifications of dealing with a Sociopath. I wasn’t jealous of the OW, just i didnt want him to win & gain another ‘trophy’ so, my alignment with the OW was me hoping she would ‘kick him to the curb’ but, he had moved in with her so his game would have been in overtime ‘saving himself’ etc… They hate losing & detection so, the lies would be flying thick & fast! Still the OW’s stay because, like us they cannot get their head around what has happened & he will keep them is a state of confusion & sleep depravation that comes with stress & anxiety. The OW will be unable to keep up her defences as she tires naturally from the overwhelming experience & reacts normal as people under pressure. She will disassociate & live in the fog. Whereas the Soc has no stress & enjoys the adrenalin that comes from the game so, operates at maximum level. This is the most dangerous time because, stress releases chemicals in our brains to dull us down , cortisone is released etc to stabilize us. This does not happen in a Soc brain as they have no emotional centre or conscience & this is why they ooerate at their best when on attack mode. We get a surge of adrenalin when we realise what took place but, then our brain produces those chemicals to bring us off that high because it’s dangerous. These sudden chemical surges are bad for us & that’s why we need help with meds, councelling etc… Like a toxic fall out.
        Just keep looking within & protecting your well being.
        Love & Light 🙂 Your not alone 🙂
        PR xoxo

      22. @oneredflower and @pheonixrising

        to clarify… I was not jealous of OW#2, but I resented them meaning, resenting him for all the damage he did in my life and wasting my time in my life. Resenting her, for telling me that I allowed him to abuse me by not loving and respecting myself. Because she told me that men will walk all over me if I want to be there doormat. Because she actually thinks she is better than me and he wont do it to her as well. But Jealous? No, I feel sorry for them both. Him because he is and always will be a pathetic loser that has to lie about himself to get anyone to like him. And her, because she is in for the ride of her life! and that ride is not pretty!!

        & I know the Socio enjoys the adrenaline that comes from the game.
        Even though what happened to me was so emotionally devastating, when I found out that he was cheating on me the first time, I stayed quiet for 3 weeks, I watched OW#1’s facebook and I saw when he was coming to visit her again. (just so you know, he had me drive him to and from the airport both times he visited her) So as I was staying quiet through all the hurt, I was watching him and everything he was doing.. I could tell he was getting a thrill out of what he was doing. All the while, he told me she was his cousin. When she would call late at night, he would say she is calling because of what ever reason. He would not answer the call, but would go to making love to me immediately. There are so many things he did and he had no idea that I knew what he was doing, I could see the thrill in his eyes. It was hard to stay quiet, but I was setting him up, and when I dropped him off at the airport, I got to my computer and was notifying OW#1 as he was on his flight to see her. I would have loved to see his face when she confronted him!! I am sure he went from this high adrenaline rush to WTF!! LOL 🙂

      23. Hi PR
        It’s interesting what you say about sleep deprivation.

        I wonder if they do it deliberately? Or is it unconsciously?

        My ex kept such upsidedown hours and I accomodated them, so I was not getting enough sleep as he would text me in the wee hours.

        After two months of this and having to study for my Masters finals and writing my final papers, I ended up losing so much sleep and being so stressed that I ended up with a bad attack of migraine that lasted a week and culminated in me losing feeling in one half of my body.

        I thought I’d had a stroke but it was just stress and exhaustion.

        When the worst of this was happening, my ex pretended to be depressed and having problems with his dad. He was uncontactable the whole time when I needed him most. Later I found out that he was in her city, spending the time with her.

        It really hurts me to think of his selfishness. I would text him telling him how I was worries and describing my symptoms and get no reply. I thought his family was giving him such a hard time but he was living it up with her.

        What a cruel man. I hate him so much. How could anyone do something like that to anyone? I guess sociopaths can because they have no moral integrity and no conscience.

        Sorry but I’m not at that stage yet where I can wish him well. I’m very angry and bitter still and can only think of him burning in hell.

        I wish him the worst!

        😦

        But I wish you the best, PR. You and all the victims of stupid, cruel, bullying, self-serving sociopaths.

        Love and Peace
        OneRedFlower

      24. After I’d had a migraine for hours, I asked him to come. He said he would, that he needed to shower. Then had an excuse of waiting for his son to pick up his grandson. Hours ticked by. He didn’t show up until about midnight (no joke). I was obviously angry. When he kissed on me, he kissed all over my face. Not until the next morning did I realize my mouth felt moist. Imagine my shock and repulsion when I wiped off pink frosted lipgloss. He denies it happened to this day. They are absolutely self-interested, wretched (I hesitate to use the word “human”) beings.

      25. Hi Jusagurl
        How odious. I think human beings is closer to what they are than animals because animals don’t lie and cheat. Only humans kill and maim and trick for fun.

        😦

        I’m sorry that had to happen to you. And to me.

        Gosh I am feeling really bad today,

        Time to watch some West Wing … 😉

        Peace and Love
        OneRedFlower

      26. Must be something in the weather cuz I’m feeling kind of fractured today too. Does this ever end???

      27. Hi Celeste
        Yes it does because things are definitely better now than they were a week, two weeks, a month ago.

        There will be bad days and down days but they will become more and more infrequent.

        I’m confident of this because I can remember being in the state of total devastation when I split with my husband and now I can’t remember the actual sensations anymore. And I can regard his girlfriend with neutrality and apathy whereas I once wanted to kill her 😛

        Granted, my ex husband was/is NOT a sociopath. Our married relationship just didn’t work out but he remains a great friend and a brilliant father. So maybe that contributed to the healing process.

        Still, I think we will be OK, in time, no matter how crazy the cociopaths in our lives were. How long we have to wait remains to be seen, but YES, I believe this yo-yo feeling and sadness will end someday.

        Hugs

        OneRedFlower

      28. My ex is a sociopath/narcissist and I as time goes by, the periods of wellness get longer and longer, but I still have times where it all comes crashing down. I was diagnosed with PTSD after it all came apart, and I guess this is to be expected as I continue to recover from it.

        As far as the OW – I knew something was up when I went into his “man cave” … where he had installed a brand new desktop computer… and found an open chat window in an online MMORPG he is obsessed with a message from “Lady June” that said “I’m glad you created another Facebook account, because that way she can’t check up on what we are doing”. Since it was his private chat, I kinda knew that something was just slightly amiss… but then I was beginning to realize that I was into something that I really hadn’t seen coming, so I wasn’t completely surprised.

        My feelings towards the OW waver between wanting to let her know what he is so that I can get even with him, and saying nothing because she knew he was married and she participated willingly in committing adultery and she deserves what ever he hands her.

        Evil of me, I know. But I don’t trust him to not lose his mind so it’s just best if I don’t involve myself in his further antics.

      29. i think it is weather effect, i’ve had a rough time this weekend too… after feeling fine for a while. back to square one… gotta keep pushing on.

      30. Hi Socioexed and Celeste
        Well I’m in sunny Malaysia so don’t think it’s the weather in my case.

        But definitely feel unsettled. I guess I should just be thankful that I’m passed the crying-for-hours stage :-/

        How are you guys feeling today?

        Love and peace
        OneRedFlower

      31. mostly now when i get emotional its a combo of anger tempered with sadness and still a little shock. its just very hard to accept that you can be with someone one day and then they are like a complete stranger the next. i’ve blocked him on every communication level, but the reality of it is, i don’t think he would’ve even tried to contact me anyway. too much pride, it would be accepting defeat, which he doesn’t do. assume he’s with the next target by now anyway so i’m sure i prob haven’t crossed his mind in months. very hard to accept.

      32. Hi SocioExed

        I agree, It has also been very hard for me to accept being with someone who was not who he originally portrayed himself to be.. I have actually seen my ex socios personality change many times in an hour when he was talking to me non-stop…Like 8 different accents, it was so weird. This guy just talked and talked, while I listened.. It is so important to listen when people talk. That is when you learn the most, this is how I started noticing the inconsistencies.
        I know that I was trying to hold on to the illusion that I fell in love with.

        I can’t remember but I think it was Positivagirl who said something about how they are testing you when they lie, to see how far they can get with their manipulation. It the socio thinks he can come back for any type of manipulation, source of supply, etc. He will try to come back. It could be a few weeks, few months, 6 months, or year or more… See, the sociopath cannot be alone. I have seen that with my ex-socio. If things aren’t working out in his favor with the new target, he could try to come back, or if he starts getting bored he could try to come back.

        It was pretty easy for me to fall in love with my ex-socio. So he probably got bored with the lack of challenge. That is probably why he kept going back to his ex-wife.. and he always needed me as a back up plan to her or vise versa. Then when I confronted his lies, he went to Facebook and started looking for a new target. I was not a good back-up plan, since I was good at catching on quick to his b.s. He found a woman he already knew that was some how associated with his family. He had told me she was his cousin. He even showed me pictures of her on Facebook, and said things like “isn’t she Pretty?” He also showed me pictures of other “cousins” (men) on facebook. They were all located in California. So when he decided to fly out to California to show all his “cousins” how to trade stock, then in his mind I would not think anything of it.

        When I found out that is his “cousin” was in fact a woman he was in a relationship with, I knew that he was doing to her what he had done to me.. because while he was “grooming” her and Idealizing her, he was devaluing me. When he flew out there the 2nd time, I notified her while he was flying out. Of course, she confronted him. Of course he told a lot of lies. (I am sure that was difficult for him, as he had no way to prepare for these lies. He was blind sided!) He finally just told her that his uncle had a heart attack and he had to leave. He flew back to Missouri that same night. He never spoke to her again. He never admitted he was wrong, never apologized. No explanation. Nothing. She was left with nothing.

        Of course he lied to me about her and even after I moved out, I let him back in my life. However… about 6 months later, he was asking me to move back in with him. I told him no. Because of everything he did before, I was not going through that again. Also, he was planning a cruise for him and I to go on. When he went outside to his truck that day, I picked up his phone and saw that he was also planning a cruise with his ex-wife! I confronted him and he said that he was not really going to take his ex-wife on a cruise. He said that he was only tricking her into thinking he was and he was planning to make her jealous when she saw that him and I were going on the cruise. I was not going for it.

        Soon after he asked me to go on the cruise and I said no, the Woman he cheated on me with in California contacted me. She told me that my ex-socio was contacting her and trying to make things work again. Now this is 6 months of him not speaking to her and no explanation!! He also told her that he had not spoken to me one time in those 6 months! He saw things were not going in his favor with me, so he started trying with her again! And when he saw that she was not having it, he went back to Facebook looking for another woman again. The woman (or fish) he caught on his bait this time was someone he dated briefly when he was in high school over 20 years ago.

        So this was OW#2 and I found out about her, because she posted a heart and his football # on his Facebook wall. After speaking with her, she told me that he booked a cruise with her. And they had not even seen each other in over 20 years. She moved away from Missouri awhile back and was now in California, like the first OW.

        I left him after all of this, and I let him know about everything I knew and that he was a big liar, manipulator, cheater, etc. The mistake I made was telling him that I still believed there was good in him somewhere. And that until he will come clean and be truthful with me, he will never even have a friendship with me. I told him he needed to spend time alone to work on himself.

        I have seen him drive by my house a few times in the past 8 months, and he has also contacted a mutual friend of ours that we grew up with. She said he never talked to her except 2 times in 20 years. She is pretty upset, said he was trying to get her to help him work things out with me again.

        See… once he gets his OW where he wants her and he gets bored, or if he has completed his challenge..he will most likely try to get back with you, especially if he thinks he has some way in. Also, if things start going wrong for him and its not working in his favor, he may try to come back. Its all a matter of time. Because he will get bored and he will be found out. He will slip. His mask will slip. It always will. Just stay prepared for his return. And just know that there will never be anything sincere when he does. Its all about him.

        My ex-socio told me on many occasions that he would be in my life forever and that we were hitched for life!

      33. @newday – wow what a crazy scumbag. i’m glad you were able to see through his lies and were strong enough not to take him back. i took mine back many times thinking he would change. they just don’t do they? i honestly don;t think my ex will try to connect with me again. he has too much pride. he really doesn’t like not being liked and my silence will likely have made him realize that i no longer wish to speak with him. for that reason alone, i can see that to him, i’m useless now. he no longer holds any power over me. i know the way he thinks, he’s extremely arrogant and self centered. i think most of them are.

        this guy cannot take rejection. it only infuriates him and he knows the best way to hurt me is the silent treatment… because i complained to him about it so often while we were together. he was always ultimately apologizing, but again, he never changed. i literally laid out a list of things i needed, never once did he even try. after a while i just gave in. he showed no affection, with held sex, it was torture because i was very, very much in love with him.

        when i think of the cruelty he is capable of, i know it is better to be away from him. each day i remind myself of this. i actually cringe when i entertain the idea of him trying to contact me again – but at the same time i hope for it just so that i can tell him no – you are an evil c#@!, i will never allow you back into my life.

        but he won’t try. i don;t exist to him anymore. thats the way he deals with things, out of sight, out of mind. ugh, makes me so furious,

      34. Hi SocioExed,

        I did take him back once, but during that time I knew that it was a pointless relationship. I think I just wanted the companionship, the closeness, the sex. But the whole time, I knew that he would never be the guy he was when we first got together. Plus I knew he was a liar and a cheater. I was not happy, and at some point I knew it had to end. I was very in love him and wanted things to work, I just knew that it was not going to happen in the long run. When OW#1 contacted me and let me know he was trying to get back with her, and then I saw he had an OW#2, that is when I left for good! That is when I had my best reason to leave.

        Maybe your ex will not try to contact you again, and if he doesn’t, it will be the best thing for you. But if he does try, do not be surprised! These Socios are pretty predictable in their processes, however they do not think like normal people. They are not like us at all.. So its hard to know what they will do. But you are right, if he does not think he will get anywhere with you, he may not even bother.

        A few months after I walked away from my ex-socio is when I realized he was a socio. I never even knew what that was. A friend suggested he may be and I started researching socios. Somewhere, I read that they have brains like a goldfish, and if you do not feed the goldfish, the goldfish will not come around.

        Ok, here is a quote that I saw:

        “To start your recovery, think of a pet, like a goldfish, and how much it loves you as you feed it and fuss over it, then realise, “it’s a fish, it’s got the brain of a fish, it doesn’t have the capacity to think like me.” When you can start to think of your very own psychopath in these terms, you actually have a chance to win the game, and that is all it ever was.”

        It will get better every day. Eventually he will be a distant memory for you! I cannot wait until mine is a distant memory! One good thing in all of our painful situations, is that we have been able to learn and become better in that process..

        Thank you for your support also!!

      35. 100% relate to all of this. i was very unhappy too, but also very in love. this is what kept me trapped and in conflict with myself. it was all very confusing and smokey. at a certain point you just realize its never going to be what you want. the happy part with these guys is very short lived. i used to ask my ex why he got so cold all the sudden – his only response was ‘the honeymoon is over, this is normal, i’m always like this, i don’t know what you expect, am i supposed to come home with roses everyday?’. always such an extreme, never just a ‘sorry baby’ or ‘ok i understand, i’ll try’. just defense, he was always SO defensive.

        this is after 3 or 4 months. it was like magic at first, i couldn’t believe how perfect he was. he was smart, really handsome, charming and seemed like he had such a strong, moral character. but shortly thereafter, the house of cards came tumbling down. the sex went to shit, it was so one sided. then it just stopped all together last summer – which is when i caught him cheating the 1st time. he would go to work early, come home, go to the gym, shower and jerk off. then eat dinner i’d cooked and say ‘alright, i’m off to bed’. was awful…

        its crazy making behavior at best, outright abusive at worst. the perpetual shock after shock, slowly losing the fantasy, taking them back for a few days of fraudulent bliss, only for everything to go back to hell in a week. i think the longest we ever went without fighting was 2 weeks. there was always something that made me feel uncomfortable. either a memory of something recent he’d done, or the sense something was on the horizon. which it always was… mostly cheating, but otherwise rage, emotional abuse, withdrawal of emotion, unempathetic responses to my pain.

        i too had no idea what i was dealing with, i suspected narcissism because of his obsession with his appearance, but up until then i only knew of narcissism as something benign. i started researching after we split finally… and well, the rest is history. i can;t say for sure what his disorder combo is, i’m no psychiatrist, but def, def something not right.

        i love the goldfish analogy, but mine was more of a piranha… and who keeps piranha’s as pets?

        x

      36. I keep reading all the comments and I can’t decide if this is affirming or terrifying. Basically, we all have the same story with a bit of individual flair thrown in.

        It is beyond my comprehension that another human being can victimize so many others and walk away unscathed. They have no moral compass and we have no protection from them – other than what we have to painfully learn for ourselves.

      37. its both terrifying and affirming in my opinion. and shocking how much destruction these monsters leave behind them. it gives me some peace to share stories with others because i realize i’m not crazy, this stuff did and does happen… toughest part of the battle i think is realizing that part. i hope these a-holes go straight to hell, where they belong. i have no sympathy for them. after what i’ve been through [and many others] i just feel seething rage. all thats left to feel anymore…

      38. Hi Celeste 🙂

        We are all in the life saving boat that Pos reached down into the dark gloomy water & hauled us into 🙂
        Like you & others, I was absolutely floored by my Sociopaths betrayal & at first I was like, OMG…who does that, who lies & leads a double life??Then the reality of knowing he had abused me for 10 years as a game, nothing of value, just a possession for him to toy with when he deemed it. Noooooooooo was always echoing my head 😦
        The horror & sheer scale nearly broke me forever but, then I saw a light. I found others & I shared the pain & we even started to have a giggle at the ridiculousness of these evil people that we unsuspectingly let into our lives 😦
        Then as I shared, I didn’t feel alone & I didn’t feel crazy & most of all, I felt validated 🙂
        It’s the most awful experience but, we cannot change the past but, we can control our lives from here on in. Once you go through this, you are never the same but, you have something that the Soc does not have, it’s the proof of life that you are real & they have no proof as they are mere reflections of us but, behind the mirror is metallic blackness that without light cannot reflect anything.
        We are the light to their darkness, without us, they are nothing but, black voids…shine on Celeste, the rest of us are shining with you & for you 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

        P.S. My Soc collects Royal Doulton Lady Figurines & keeps then in a glass cabinet, we are all in there but, Pos has unlocked the cabinet & we are all free & it’s like going to a sale, the rush to the door is frantic but, we are all getting the bargain of our life, freedom 🙂

        P.S.S. My Soc’s adult son collects Predator figurines, you know the one from the movies….creepy 😦 & stores them at the Soc’s ex wife’s house in glass cabinets…creepier & creepier 😉 The son always covered his Dad’s lies….ahh, the fruit from that tree is poison!

      39. @Phoenix Add another ridiculous story to the list, my Pinnochio just send another text from another phone (where he finds all those phones?) His newest message, “Just that you know that I changed my phone. I changed it because I need to begin my new life. If you want your money back, sue me. This is my new email if you have something to say to me…” and just after that “I don’t know why we can’t be friends”
        I read it on amusement, I can’t believe it! I think that it’s time to me to change my number.

      40. Hi NMI 🙂

        Yes, definitely ‘No Contact’ from him to you & vice versa.
        He is a Donkey D*ck so, let him Hee Haw on his merry way into oblivion!
        Remember the scene in Pinocchio where he goes to ‘Pleasure Island’ & behaves badly & starts turning into a ‘Jackass’ & they eventually are to be sent to the salt mines or circuses 🙂 well, off to the ‘Salt Mines’ with these Asses & no more circus for us 😉

        Love & light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      41. Hi PR;

        I feel like I’m riding an insane roller coaster. I am reading all of this and seeing that everything that happened to me is just standard operating procedure for a Socio (or in my case Socio/Narc) but it is so hard to rationalize it. I grew up in a home where we weren’t even allowed to say “I hate you” and I end up married to a man who loved to your face, yet hated you by action.

        I loved this man with all my heart – of course, I was in love with “fake man”, but that man was the man of my dreams, my once in a life-time. Of course, now I know he listened to what I was saying and just acted the part. I was talking to an old friend and even she said it is so hard for her to think of everything he ever said or did being a lie, a means to his end.

        It is sad because even though I know I can NEVER allow him into my life again, in any way, I remember feeling the need to protect him because I could see there was a sensitive, kind, sweet person that had been terribly abused and it was my JOB to nurture that person. How many times he took advantage of that!

        Like everyone else, I am so glad this blog exists – I wish I had found it sooner! While talking about things will never change what has happened, it does provide an outlet to discuss and most importantly, help get over the feelings of failure and outright stupidity that I have been feeling as I look back and realize all the signs were there from the beginning. I was just too blind in love to read them.

        I know the holidays are upon us, and it’s not very nice, but I truly hope that the Grinch steals his Who Pudding AND his Roast Beast! And Santa leaves him a lump of coal. =)~

        Hugs!
        Celeste

      42. yeah the holidays are hard, especially when its still fresh. i felt a need to protect mine too. i spent months not telling anyone close to me how bad things had gotten. its just that sense that one more day and maybe you can love them just enough to change them. sadly that day never comes. i think its ok to mourn the fantasy man – the thing about not being with fantasy man anymore is that this most certainly increases the likely hood of meeting mr real man… not that any of us are terribly in the mood for that… but a better scenario at any rate.

        i dunno what i’d do without these chats. total lifesaver. its brought out so much stuff i prob would never have thought about – very healing experience to be speaking with everyone here and feeling more liberated the more we exchange. its great.

        thx guys.
        x

      44. This it too funny @Socioexed, I went back and looked at the quote/analogy and here is a response I saw:

        “I think the goldfish analogy is a bit generous, don’t you? How about a piranha, or better yet, a cactus?”
        🙂 Too funny….

        You are right the “happiness part” is very short lived… And it was magical in the beginning for me as well! My ex socio was not really all that great looking now days. When we were younger, when we were in high school, he was hot! Very muscular, football player. I guess over the years, he let himself go. He got pretty chubby. Still had a handsome face, and I had the previous image of him imprinted in my mind. If he was some one I met that I did not know before, (when we were younger,) I am sure that he would not have been some one that I would have been attracted to or even dated for that matter. That must be why he only goes for women that he knew over 20 years ago. Because it would be really hard for him to attract women in his current physical state. Also he uses this “verbal intercourse” to get women, as we all know about these socios. I did see him about 5 years before we got into the relationship and he wasn’t looking bad then. He still looked in shape at that time.

        The sex went to shit for me also. He would with hold sex and turn his back on me a lot. He was really giving me the cold shoulder. That made it so obvious that things were not going right. This man was so abusive in so many ways!

      45. yup, sounds like a good analysis about why he only goes for exes. plus its easier because he knows the territory. mine was and still is very handsome. most people commented on it when we were together. i think he always knew he was but he got really puffed up about it. also i mean i told him how gorgeous he was regularly. little did i know this was fanning the fire of his enormous ego. in the end, i think he must have assumed if he could get me, he could get anyone. once i looked through his phone, over very old texts before we were together. alot of them were to various guys he was with, sometimes mentions of group sex, drugs. i was so shocked as he always played innocent… which for me was a turn on because i like honest, innocent people. he was anything but…

        re: the sex thing. with holding is a sure sign of manipulation and abuse. they get you into a corner of love and it becomes desperate because they wont behave in a way that they once did. its very torturous… ultimately in my case he was getting his needs met elsewhere, he had become bored with me and looked outward for another challenge [many i suspect] it was very impersonal. sex with me seemed like a chore in the end. it hurt alot. now i can make sense of it in a different way which is good, it was just another tool he used to control me.

        the big question on my mind now is – did he know what he was doing? according to him i was the 1st serious relationship he’d really had [this story of course changed later] but if it was, then it would seem this behavior is ingrained for the SP type. its like an instinct perhaps. a lot of the time i’m not sure his moves were so calculated – his lies definitely were – but reading thru other peoples accounts, the behavior is similar, if not identical. like how birds instinctively know what direction to fly in. this makes me think that this is really something they are born with… less nurture and more nature. if thats the case, it makes it easier for me to move on… if its an instinct related to an illness… what part of it could possibly be my fault besides staying and enabling?

        whatever the weather – just so f’ed up. really demented. isn’t it just easier to live a simple life where you don;t have to lie, con and deceive? why do they put themselves thru this? mind boggling

      46. @Socioexed

        Well he actually was not going for exes, I don’t think.. OW#1 is someone he met at a family reunion in Texas about 20 years ago.. He lived in Missouri, She lived in California. OW#2 dated him briefly one summer during highschool. And I was someone he grew up with since the age of 5, we were only friends but he had a crush on me growing up. But we all remember him when he was muscular, in shape and very handsome.

        With OW#1 & OW#2, he reconnected with them of Facebook and started grooming and idealizing them over the phone because both of them live in California.

        With me, A mutual friend contacted me to let me know that my ex-socio’s father had passed away. I called him to offer my condolence. Some time after that we were talking on the phone, catching up on lost time. I went to his dad’s funeral and so did my brother and my nieces and nephews. Some time after that we were in a relationship. He told me that he had been in love with me since we were children, and that “childhood love” never dies. We knew each other since age 5. Grew up in the same small church congregation. Went to church every sunday together, went to youth activities, went to 3 church camps together every summer.. we even still hung around from time after graduating high school. eventually we went our own ways in life. We saw each other here and there through out the years. But we were only friends.

        When we got together, he reminded me of many childhood memories.. He told me he loved me before we ever even went on our first date!! He reminded me of when he put a frog in my milk at age 8. How he tried to kiss me at church but my mom caught him. How he tried to kiss me at camp in the pool as teens, and I slapped him. How I pushed him in the lake, playing around as teens. How he carried me in the swimming pool on his shoulders and how he could still feel me on his shoulders. One thing I could not understand.. If he was so in love with me then, why did he not ever tell me?? He told me that the stars were lined up perfect for us to be in this situation. Also… I just could not remember him being this wonderful when we were growing up. I suppose I just thought he grew into this AMAZING wonderful man.. I had no idea that that man never existed!

        Yes he was definitely abusing and manipulating by withholding sex. He was doing this as he was “grooming and Idealizing” OW#1 and after he came back from spending 6 days with her, that is when the sex with him became even better and more amazing than it was before. He was even treating me better than when we first got together. He would even make coffee with whipped topping and bring it to me in the shower. He was treating me like a princess.

        So of course, I was suspicious. This is before I knew he was cheating. He went from being wonderful and amazing, loving and caring. To cold, distant, hateful, withholding sex… left for 6 days and was 10x more amazing than before.. yes that was very bizarre to me!

        I also wondered if he knew what he was doing. I think Socio’s absolutely know what they are doing, and they enjoy the thrill! My ex-socio even admitted that he was a bad person before. I am not sure though if they actually know they are Socios. They just know they are evil and they like being evil.

        I agree!! Life is a lot more simple to just be honest! It is mind boggling!!

      47. hi newday!! such an odd similarity you mention, when they first start cheating – its like sleeping with an entirely different person overnight! i understand that feeling. i was stunned that all the sudden he was so passionate after months of monotony and disinterest. it was like he was completely re energized. a god send i thought… he’s back, oh wow, this is good!

        but i knew deep down why… actually not even deep down, it was surface. it took me prob 3 minutes to realize. there is no deep down with these people. they have about as much depth as a side walk puddle. i remember these words going through my mind at the time – i think he found a new rag doll to play with… it made me sick to think that but it was a deep instinct. i trusted it for once.

        i think at that point [prob 10 months into the year with him] i’d basically given up all hope and had just become empty… my friends say to me now that they just didn’t know who i was anymore. one of my friends actually got me a stick of sage and said ‘if you burn this around you’re apt, maybe it will help get rid of that asshole you’re with’

        haha, i have good friends. thank fully. they don;t really understand what i went through, but they all hated him from very early on. did your friends / family have issues with him? curious…

      48. I KNEW that sense of passion…. it wasn’t for me. I told him that and refused to sleep with him. Next day I found photos on his phone of him and another woman.

        That didn’t bother me too much, I just thought it was quite lame and sad and showed his insecurity.

      49. yes i knew it too – it was devoid and unrelated to what we had had previously. i don’t know that it really upset me as much as it did affirm the reality i saw coming. it was like edging toward a cliff – i just wasn’t really sure how close i was… until i reached the actual edge and exploded. i managed to save myself – barely. i’m very proud of that moment. it was the strongest i’d ever been while with him.

        smelling a rat enough times – you have no choice but to bring in the exterminator!

      50. Yes me too. I didn’t want it to be true. But I saw it. When he was trying to be full on passionate, I knew that was for someone else. He denied it. Evidence on his phone (that he deliberately showed me) showed me what he was doing. I guess he wanted me to see.

        It is the sense of betrayal that hurts me the most. I would never have done that to him, yet oddly he falsely accused me of it regularly 😦

      51. yes the betrayal is mind altering in that you just could never do that to anyone. i felt the same way. i still do. it will never cease to amaze me. i thought it only happened in dramatic movies.

        re: the odd and sudden sexual changes, its like they are sort of merging the reflections into one at times don’t you think? testing things out on you. morbid but fascinating.

        i saw other personalities surface randomly and often toward the end. sometimes i used to wonder if half of what he said to me he’d gotten from some romantic comedy he’d seen? was all very scripted, very sinister… and often just dumb.

      52. HI SC;

        Everyone I knew found a reason not to like him, but never told me until it was over because they thought he made me happy.

        That bas**** actually made a pass at my best friend – in front of her husband, pinched my daughter’s arse, and cuddled up under a blanket on the couch with my daughter-in-law.

        Makes me nauseaus just to think of it.

        Celeste =)

      53. oh, trust me i believe you. it sounds all too familiar. mine hit on anything that moved in the end. i go to alot of events for work and made the mistake of taking him to most of them while we were together. at any time during the evening, he could be found eyeing someone off, usually someone i knew.

        a bastard you say? you’re a very nice lady… i could think of a few more terms that might suit him.

        glad you got away.

        x

      54. @SocioExed I forgot to mention in my last reply that YES you have crossed his mind! Believe that!! And he probably thinks about you everyday. He is busy with his new target right now, and I am sure that you are in his mind to target again. Just be prepared and stay strong!! You are worth so much more than his thoughts and you deserve so much better!! He is a loser that never deserved your time in the first place.. Just focus on you and your healing and believe me there are much better things and people coming into your future. Wising you the best and rooting for you!

      55. thanks @newday. guess it doesn’t matter if he thinks about me or not, because the main person he is thinking of is himself. so like you said, if i am in his thoughts, it will only be in his interests. you are right in saying there are better people. its just a case of missing the fantasy man.

        i wanted to remind myself that the one time i broke NC and texted with him, which was awful, after everything that happened he said “oh btw, since you haven’t been around to help me with my essays [he went back to business school – don’t ask me why?] my grades have gone from A- to a C, so one thing you could help me with is that”. i couldn’t believe he asked that. after everything, he could only think of some small gain he stood to get. this is after i told him how hurt i was and what pain i was experiencing – he just didn’t care.

        when i think of that, i see him for what he really is. and that’s not someone to be missed.

        thanks for your supoort – it means alot to me.

        x

      56. Hi Socioexed
        I feel exactly the same.

        One day it’s “I love you do much” and the next “I can’t do this I anymore” and then it’s like I nrver existed.

        It just underlines how deceitful he was/is but it isn’t easy to accept 😦

        Hope it gets better for you, for all of us.

        Xxoo

        Oneredflower

      57. haha, wowow – that is word for word what my ex said. but wait YOU can’t take this anymore? wtf? you cheat, lie, deceive and used me, but YOU can;t take it anymore. so controlling. they always have to be the victim AND of course, the one that ends things [even tho in a lot of cases we have ended it]

        i hope we all get better too. its just so unbelievable to me that these people are so prolific. as i think celeste just commented. its crazy…

        lets try stay strong and avoid ever coming in to contact with another SP if we can.

        x

      58. OH MY!!! That is exactly what mine did. Lied & cheated, and made my life a living hell just so when I finally left HE could be the victim! And the funny thing is that I told him I knew that was what he was doing and he acted like a child with his hand caught in the cookie jar.

        Again…. the more I read, the more I see my ex.

      59. i know, its uncanny and a bit disturbing really. are they all part of one big sociopathic family? chillingly similar… and so are we, all of the survivors. similar dispositions. caring, trusting, loving people – duped, conned and devastated. but healing… thankfully.

        mine played the victim like an oscar winning performance. he made out i was crazy, suffocating and made drove him to do the things he did. what a childish excuse to start with but puhlease – who makes anyone cheat / lie / con? especially someone who does and says whatever they want with no consideration for anyone. his friends know he’s like this so i’m sure they prob see thru some of it. whatever, they were all weirdos anyway. i couldn;t stand them so i don;t care what they think.

        the only these toads are truly gifted at is deception. its all a game to them and they never learn, they just improve and escalate.

        what a f’ing goal in life huh? all i want to do is be a better liar… jesus.

      60. forgot to mention – i found a text he’d sent to a friend after i busted him cheating [forget which time – 2nd maybe?] all it said was “damn, i gotta get better at covering my tracks” to which his friend responded – “well just let me know what you want me to lie about”.

        i think the company he kept were all either under his control or SP themselves. all childhood friends. he never had any adult friends. only fuck buddies – how ironic.

      61. Hi Socioexed
        That’s exactly right: they have to be the one to end it … For the sake of control and their ego 😦

        Right til the end mine said all the right things to ensure I would not leave him. His favourite tactic was to express fear of being “abandoned” by me because “Everyone leaves me”. If you love someone and they say that to you it’s likely to overide any urge to end things.

        I did think of leaving on several occasions but it was because I wanted to spare myself later hearache. There is a large age gap between us and he was leaving the country to pursue a medical degree (a lie) so it was going to end anyway. I just thought we should perhaps not prolong things. I thought we could stay friends. We could have if he’d been honest.

        But he was always ensuring that I’d stay. He’d cry and say how he felt alone. And how I was so special to him.

        Oh god I’m not going to talk abt it anymore. The deception is so obvious to me now and it makes me livid!!!

        I shd make a decision: Never speak of him sgain. Try to never think of him again. I should not be wasting time and energy on him 😦

        Xxoo
        One red flower

      62. yeah i know what you mean, but try as i might, i’m still not able to forget… so talking about it helps. lets face it, these nutjobs ingrain themselves into us hard… obviously its a tactic they use to keep us hooked. gives them some kind of demented pleasure. thing is, is difficult to become unhooked. i’m not going to sit around denying how i feel. i’ve done all sorts of things to forget – but part of me isnt ready to forget yet. i need to understand what happened better, and i need to vent!! haha, i’m still soooooo angry about it. i don;t think i will ever ba able to rationalize something so insane… but at least the more i can see it for what it is, the more of a caricature he becomes, pathetic in many ways – i think this will be how i move away from it. the fantasy vs. the reality. pinnochio dressed up as cassanova… soon i hope.

        x

      63. Wow… I never thought about it until I read your comment about the back-up plan. I don’t think my SP/Narc has ever been alone…. and I was indeed a back-up. When I started to show signs of life, he started trolling the internet and found my back-up.

        Wow….. Just wow.

      64. Hi Celeste,

        I finally came up with the “back up plan” idea when I realized that he just could not be alone. He had to keep his bases covered… I thought of this before I realized he was a sociopath. Must be why he kept going back to his ex-wife behind my back, because I was the “back-up plan” to her… I just could never understand… Why not just be a Good, honest, faithful man of integrity and keep one woman.. Much easier than being a fake, liar, cheater, manipulator, that needs a back up plan for when he fails… He will always fail.. Yes, they succeed at conning, but they fail at LIFE!

      65. Bah! His family knew about how he lied, knew he had cheated on his first wife, knew he was WANTED FOR TAX EVASION in New Zealand, but because HE TOLD THEM that I had changed him, they never bothered telling me about his past.

        I know that nothing I could do – no amount of love, caring, sympathy, empathy, or losing myself to become what he needed me to be will ever change him. When I started to figure this out and began questioning him, he created a fake profile on Facebook and trolled for his next woman.

        Sad thing is… I still love the fake person he created. It’s like the man I loved died, but there is a creepy stranger running around in his body. That has been the hardest thing to rationalize.

      66. Isnt it awful to still miss the fake man?

        I keep recalling good times we had and have to keep reminding myself that no matter how good they were he was already lying and cheating on me with that woman he’s with now.

        I can’t believe how fake and manipulative he was being. Makes me sick. 😦

      67. The discovery of who he was and what he had done to me made me physically ill. Unable to eat because it made me sick to even try, I lost 40 lbs. I couldn’t sleep and when I did fall asleep I had nightmares about him. I cried all of the time – just burst into tears without warning. I couldn’t take any time off work to try and cope with this, and crying at work became so frequent, my boss that recommended that I talk to EAP. The EAP psych told me that I was having a normal reaction to what had happened, and she is the one who first told me that I had been in a relationship with a sociopath and narcissist. She told me things about him that I never told her – just things that are SOP for a SP/N. She also told me that I had PTSD.

        So, 16 months later I am unemployed (left my job to help him start his own), lost my retirement (financed his business) and my home (because he couldn’t hold a job and I couldn’t continue to pay for everything on my own). I have the additional (admittedly self-imposed) burden of knowing that I sponsored him for US citizenship, and because of me he is here working his mojo on other victims. I am better, but I still have my moments. The realization that the person I loved really never existed is very surreal, but understanding this was all part of his game of manipulation does help.

        I now see that within weeks of meeting, he molded himself into everything I was looking for and used that to draw me in. He was able to keep up the facade for nearly 5 years – the amount of time it took for him to become a citizen – and then he changed overnight. Much more argumentative and difficult to deal with. The lies increased along with his insistence there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t keep things straight or remember what he was telling me. Then when it was all said and done he was able to walk away without guilt, remorse and only look back if they think you have something else they want – be it actual stuff or what little is left of you emotionally.

      68. celeste – so so sorry to hear this happened to you. its truly a hideous story. must’ve been incredibly difficult to get through this. i completely understand the feeling of shock and horror at what they become once they get what they need. it takes the life out of you and is insidious all along. after i got rid of mine, i couldnt eat or sleep for weeks either. nightmares galore, it was so bad. i was lost and broken into 100 pieces. slowly rebuilding in the aftermath and so glad that i’ve been able to put a name to the insanity – sociopath narc. i still can’t believe i fell for one.

        really hope you are getting better. they leave you feeling so confused don’t they? not a care in the world… i wish we could just create an island and send them all to live there together in sociopathic bliss.

        x

      69. Awww… Thanks for your kindness! I am better, and like you shattered but coming back together piece by piece. I went through a lot of emotions and a lot of guilt. I felt so stupid for falling for it because now that I look back at it, it now seems obvious. But they are good at their game and if you are “normal” being played like that is the last thing you think of. Being able to discuss it and to see that I’m not alone (although I’m truly sorry for anyone who has to go through this) helps a lot!

        I love the idea of Sociopath Island – although I think there are so many of them it might require a planet – that would be a reality show I would watch! LOL Seriously, they are able to commit the perfect crime – they steal you blind – but it’s not illegal because you give it willingly.

      70. true – planet socio may be the better destination. a reality show that many of us have lived through / survived. i think the main blind spot for me was not really knowing what his purpose was for a while. he needed me for a lot of material things, including a roof over his head. once i started cottoning on was when it got really bad… once he sensed the exposure was coming – he really let me have it. i wouldn’t call it denial on my part – more kind of elusive reality that i would only see glimpses of. the thing about NC is its the only way to put things into context because while they are around – even in the midst of chronic abuse – you just can;t see through the smoke. and like you say, a normal person doesn’t expect this or even comprehend it. i still have problems trying to comprehend half the shit this guy did – i will prob only ever know a small slice of what evil deeds got carried out behind my back. the obvious stuff is what brings the guilt, its the covert level that brings the confusion and pain… all tickets to planet socio, boarding begins now.

        x

      71. You realize they will be lying about being pilots, ground crew, first-class dignitaries, etc. LOL

      72. Hi Celeste 🙂

        Their whole life is a lie! Can you imagine what that would be like? I would much rather tell the truth if my life than never really know where the lie begins & finishes etc…mine told me he met the Rolling Stones but, never even got an autograph… Because he was lying LOL. He collects (among other things) guitars & used to play them incessantly! Self taught he said, but, could only play the same tune over & over, obvioulsy can’t actually play anything else!!! It drove me nuts & I was bored sh*tless 😉
        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      73. yeah that and prob screwing half the neighborhood while they’re at it. why are they all cheats? they must have some underlying sex addiction thing – or maybe its that they see sex as a powerful tool of control… i wonder.

      74. Hi 1redflwr 🙂
        Its ok to miss the illusion, after all this is what you fell for 😦 It’s normal to miss anyone that has been part if your life but, think of it as a death & yes you are grieving 😦
        Its hard to reconcile the fact from fiction but, you will & like in death, slowly the impact of the event fades & its ok to remember good times, you were real & there, it’s not your fault that the ballon burst & was full of hot air 😉 You will get past this soon, keep believing in yourself, your real & your Soc isn’t so, trust in real. I’d rather real diamonds over cubic zirconia anyday 😉 oh & real french champagne, not some cheap immitation so, no more fakes for us :)…..only fake fur, thats okay 🙂 PRxoxo LOL

      75. Hi Newday23,

        The latest OW will be told only what the Soc thinks she needs to hear, he will let her believe he has changed etc…just for her, the idealisation & grooming stage. Its also ‘torture by triangulation’, she will be made to feel like the ‘chosen one’, the winner 😉 ahh but, the Soc never changes, just his game plan will be tweaked to procure her. Then it will be game on & it may be years but, she will suffer for her belief in the unbelievable. The OW in my story, initially was disgusted by his betrayal, found out that he’d been cheating since they’d been involved. I was contacted via email from the OW wanting to know who I was etc…I informed her I had been involved with him for 10 years (sigh) & at that time she had been on the scene for over 3 of those years. She was told by me, (we met in person) all the details, we got the same spiel, gifts etc….she was devastated but, chose to stay it??? She told me she would ‘stay in the control seat of her life’ ….(really???) doubt it!
        She was going to her solicitor to make sure he could not get his hands on her money etc….but, was going to marry him???? He’d upped his game & proposed to her, he’s still married to first wife though! Hmmm do they see the light? No, they just change the game but, the outcome will always be the same, they can’t ever be anything than cheats & liars so, betrayal & devastation will always follow them.
        Be happy your not her, I wouldn’t wish the Soc experience on my worst enemy, because they are our worst enemy & their own!
        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      76. Hi Pheonix Rising,

        After everything he has said and done to me and all of the lies, I know that with the OW it will only be more lies to cover up more lies… And I am sure he has told plenty of lies about me. I never had any one come to me and give me any warnings about him. I wish someone had. The funny thing is that my ex-socio actually offered information about his past to me, with out any questioning from me. He told me that for years, his ex-wife would not give him any sex or affection. He gave me elaborate stories about it. He said he couldn’t take it anymore and told her that he was going to cheat on her and that she told him to go ahead. He actually talked to me about 2 women that he cheated on her with. There was one in particular that he talked most about, he said she was fat and ugly but the sex was amazing.. He said the woman wanted to have his baby and he told her he would not leave his wife for her.

        Clue #1 for me should have been that he cheated on his wife! Big red flag!! No, I did not think that I was winning anything by being with him. He was someone I knew since age 5, that I grew up with. I had this instant trust, and I had never trusted a man before like I did with him. (See… at age 18 I was abducted at gunpoint, taken out of state, raped by 3 guys, shot at, etc.. They got caught because I remembered the address where they took me, the investigation was successful. I had to face them in court, testify, etc. They went to prison. One year later, my home was broken into by 2 guys in ski masks, it was a home invasion. I was raped by them at knife point, beaten up, etc.. I never saw their face, they never got caught) So needless to say, I already had PTSD, its still there from 20 years ago. 10 years ago, I was in an abusive relationship. When my ex-socio came along, he was someone that I grew up with, we had all the same friends, it was church people… We grew up with the same morals and beliefs. I had no reason to think he would ever harm me. I had never been this happy in my life.. Funny thing is, I remember telling him that I did not remember him being so wonderful when we were growing up and over the years. I told him that he had really evolved into a wonderful man!

        So, when he had told me about how he had mistreated women, I simply thought those were mistakes he made and that he had become a better man.. Looking back, I am quite certain that he was most likely still involved with those women that he told me were part of his past, including his ex-wife.

        The thing about this OW #2, I told her everything I could. And he had told her the exact stories that he told me when we got together, about his ex-wife not giving him sex and he couldn’t take it anymore and cheated and that other one was for was sex… except he did mention the OW #1 ( in my relationship with him) to OW #2, and he did mention me to OW #2, He told her that OW#1 had bad habits and he could not be with her anymore, and he told her that I “was just something to do” And while he was telling OW#2 these things, he was still in an active relationship with me, trying to get back with his ex-wife and OW#1 all the same time!! So I am sure he was doing all of this when he got with me in the beginning. OW#2, knew all of this, because I told her. She knew that I was being truthful because he told her the same stories about his ex-wife and women he cheated on her with that he told me.

        I wish that I was not looking at him with rose colored glasses, I wish that I had looked at his lack of integrity and made the choice not to enter a relationship with him. (He was very charming, and very poetic and amazing) I must have thought I was going to be different because he improved… I just know if one of those women found me and let me know what was really going on, he would have never gotten a chance with me!!

        It is very sad that she believes in the unbelievable, especially after someone (me) was kind enough to try to help her. After everything I have been through in my life, I cannot just keep walking if I know someone is going to harm another. I have definitely learned a lesson that not everyone wants help. Some people prefer to learn their own lessons. And I definitely am happy I am not her!!

        Thank you again, for your encouragement and support and also for sharing your experience with me. Thanks to everyone on this site!!

      77. Omg Newday23, what an amazing woman you are 🙂 you have endured & survived some if the most horrendous events imaginable 😦
        I hope you realise that you are an inspiration 🙂
        Unfortunately the Soc targets vulnerable people & like you, i have had a life full of having my self esteem & worth eroded. When you have lived a dysfunctional life, its hard to recognise functional. The OW’s you mention are always used by the Soc & obviously the Soc doesn’t procure the next by saying, ‘she was great & I used & abused her but, i’ve decided your my next victim! ‘
        Mine was the same & told me his ex wouldn’t stop smoking so, he cheated in her! I was floored by this & said, ‘you were with her 25 years, you don’t cheat because she smoked!’ Then he said ‘i did not love her’. Again I was shocked & said, ‘you have 3 children, you must have loved her?’ He said & i quote, ‘ i have never been in love & i just went along with it as she expected me to’. Hmmm yes big red flag! I said ‘do you love me then?, his reply was, ‘I feel something like love for you???’ I settled for this, as I cared deeply for him but, knew deep down that I was not in love with him. After 19 years in an abusive marriage, I rebounded into the Soc’s arms for his help etc…then I got sucked into the charade. I did not want a full time relationship, nor did I want to live with him. I enjoyed a mature relationship but he had assured me it was exclusive! I thought that when my children were independant & he retired etc…we would be together properly then. The OW’s are always devalued as the new one is idealized & seduced & the triangulation begins all over again. The new OW is just a replacement until the next OW is found. There will be more than you will ever realise, they are rampant lovers & sleep with anyone. Mine had woman old enough to be his mother! I knew his mistress & when he devalued his ex or his mistress, I told him not to do it. He realised devaluing them to me was not gaining him favor, after all, I had been replaced before when my ex left with a friend who worked for us & whom he couldn’t stand at first but, thats another story 😉
        You are much better than him & your strength & soul will guide you to a higher place, just listen to your inner voice & create the best life you can dream of 🙂
        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      78. thank you PheonixRising!

        I believe that because of my past experiences, that is why I was able to sense the danger and the madness so early. I feel that I have a heightened sense of danger because of past trauma.

        Honestly, I believe that in the first week of us getting re-acquainted, that I had a “sense” I can remember at one moment, when we had eye contact, when I was looking in his eyes, I saw something! The feeling was a chill!! His eyes looked creepy.. And this was just a momentary thing that happened.. I dismissed it quickly. I really did not know what it was, but it was a very weird feeling. I will never forget it. I think my intuition was kicking in, even before he ever did anything wrong.. wait a minute,… Before I KNEW he was doing anything wrong. I am convinced everything was wrong from the beginning. I sensed danger and I should have turned and ran. But how did I know for certain?

        Because of my past, I thought maybe I was being paranoid when I saw that look? My imagination? Also, he had this advantage that we knew each other our whole life. He was not some random guy that I met out in life. He was not a stranger pulling a gun on me in a grocery store parking lot, he was not a guy with a ski mask on kicking in my back door of my home while I was sleeping. He was a “safe” person in my life. He was part of my extended church family. We shared the same friends. We were small innocent children together…I know now, that no matter what, trust instinct always!!

        I have had a difficult past, but I realize that we ALL have a story, we all have a past. We can always help inspire and encourage others through what has happened to us. Not only that, it helps us to be able to hear from others, what they have been through and also to lift them up as well. I admire every survivor on this site. What happened to all of us was an assault on our being and our lives as we know it. We were wrongly abused. What was done to us was cold and calculated. But none of it defines us, just made us better and stronger…

        Oh yea, in response to what you said about your ex, mine said he never loved his ex-wife, he only married her because she thought he would be a good partner. He was “so in love with me” in the beginning. I was the love of his life, and the pastel colors of the sunset reminded him of my beauty (a little bit of his poetry).. He never loved anyone the way he loved me.. and about 2 months after we moved in together (after I confronted a big lie of his) all the sudden he was telling me that he simply did not love me the same way I loved him..

        Thank you for encouraging me and telling me that I am better than him and that my strength and soul will guide me to a higher place, I also believe that about you, and all the others survivors!!

      79. Hi Socioexed 😉
        You are awesome & you did get chosen for your strengths 🙂
        Its our weakness that they use to get their way in, kindness is weakness unfortunately & once they gain your trust well, you know the rest 😦
        You did nothing wrong, you are a loving, kind & deserving person who fell in love with the loveless. You are deserving of real love so, next time you will attract the real deal 🙂 Don’t let this experience stop you living & loving fully as this experience has made you appreciate real true love & you will not settle for less ever again. You did not make a mistake loving this person, they made the mistake of not appreciating you & treating you with the respect you deserve. This will always be their loss, you have not lost anything worth keeping. None of us signs up for betrayal & pain & all of us deserve happiness & love. Trust life & no matter how hard this lesson is, be grateful you know will never accept the unacceptable again. Others never get this depth of understanding but, we do 🙂
        Love & Light, it gets easier believe me 🙂 PR xoxo

      80. hi PR. thanks these words came at a perfect time. i’ve been pretty good the last week but find myself faltering a bit today. the weekends are always hard for me, plus its snowing and a bit gloomy.

        i’ve been remembering some of the earliest signs of abuse from my ex. i recall in the early stages of the relationship, i was super smitten. i showered him with affection and attention, sometimes i’d go out of my way to get him something he mentioned he liked, or cook something i knew he liked. he would always subtly imply that this was a bit pathetic. a few months in, one day he actually said ‘i don’t want to call you pathetic and inadequate, but you seem to do a lot for me, its like you feel you need to buy me’.

        i was really shocked by this comment because ordinarily i wouldn’t expect someone to react to kindness and shows of affection like this. i am usually very giving in relationships so for me this was not unusual behavior, and i have seen many of my close friends in love being the same way. was the first time i’d ever actually questioned myself about being caring or nice toward someone? WTF? anyways, in time i took it down a few notches because i guessed he needed to be treated a bit less nicely for whatever reason [so twisted], until eventually i realized that nothing i could ever do would make him happy. the best thing to do i decided was to just entirely retract… it worked for a short time and when i wouldn’t pay him much attention he would freak out and be all over me. but i realized, this was not how i wanted to live my life or be with someone. was too cold.

        it just turned into this hellacious game of trying to find ways to get him to respond to me emotionally, and in the end, anyway at all. he switched off so early but i just didn’t want to see it and found it easier to blame myself for it. i’d never been that way before… and i still can’t believe it! i felt i had to fight so hard for even the smallest scrap of acknowledgement from this guy. was a very desolate place. this is where i’m at today – feeling inadequate and pathetic, just like he said to me all those months ago. the poison is still in me, they plant some serious self sabotaging shit in you that comes to the surface when you least expect it.

        i don;t actually think what he said was true… but the socio programmed part of me still does. it blows some days…

      81. Awww Socioexed,
        I did all the same things to prove how much he meant to me but, as you said it was meant with very unusual responces. You did what people do in a healthy relationship unfortunately this person is not healthy. Please don’t think of yourself as inadequate or unworthy 😦 this is what the Soc wants you to feel, less than not more. You are more, far more than they can ever be, you are warm, loving, worthy, bright, funny & beautiful 🙂 just shine your light on the real people, not the fake ones. He was never good enough for you & he never will be.
        Be brave & strong, have faith & remember you are not alone 🙂
        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      83. for got to mention – another thing i’ve realized in retrospect is that my socio expected a lot from me in terms of care taking – but when i did what he wanted – it was pathetic. i always forget this. you just can’t win with these loons. he had me tying his shoe laces on some mornings [because he was ‘in a hurry’] looking back, i can’t believe some of the things i did for him. nothing was ever going to be good enough, and it was always a display of weakness to him in the end anyway – all about control. i need to remind myself this on the darker days.

      84. Aww Socioexed, just remember that you did everything from a place of love & compassion 🙂
        You tied shoelaces & I cut his ingrown toenail! LOL wish I’d cut his b*lls off & we could string them on their shoelaces 😉
        You are a great person, believe it & practice self love. When you do up your own shoes, remember to love yourself 🙂 PR xoxo

      85. great advice dear and thx! i did actually do everything from a place of love [the stressed out version of it]. the shit we did for these guys huh? shoelaces, in growns, dinners, breakfasts, believing the unbelievable, trusting the untrustworthy, loving the loveless – total life in the twilight zone. i want the life that prick stole from me back! i can see now that he’d already forgotten me months ago… its like mourning the loss of a shadow. a shadow with no balls because we cut them off with shoelaces. : )

      86. Hi @Socioexed & @oneredflower

        Thank you for reminding me of “No Contact” I have done a great job of the No Contact in regard to the Ex Socio.. I sent an email of why I was leaving him in May 2013 and In July 2013 I sent a text that was too nice (still not realizing the true evil truth about him) I was basically telling him I was sorry about his hard life, and that I still believed he was good…(I guess that was my forgiving stage) Also… I asked him not to mention my name to anyone ever again (I knew some things he said about me) I told him I was heart broken and humiliated enough.. that was the last contact I ever had with him. At the time, I still did not know he was a socio.. Now I realize there was nothing good about him. He is True & Pure Evil!! And now I do not know if I have forgiven him yet. In September, I lost over 9 pounds in one week, from not eating, not sleeping.. (This is because, I went to social media and saw Other Woman #2 posted her pic with her engagement ring from him)

        I know that I need to completely stop looking at her social media, that will definitely speed up my healing process… Its funny because I know for a fact that she watches my social media. I never post personal things on Facebook, I am always posting positive uplifting messages, to help friends have a better day. I can see where she has read my posts on different occasions and then on her page, she made a post almost exactly like mine, except she changed my words around to sound like hers. This is telling me that I have had an impact on her, and maybe she is watching me to see what I am doing… lol,

        But moving forward, I know this will just prolong my suffering. I have a lot to accomplish and I do not need this holding me back… ( I was just watching, and hoping to see the backfire…but I am sure she wont be bragging about that on social media 🙂 ) As soon as I finish this post, I am blocking her from any of my social media, and I am making a promise to myself to not look again… I wonder what she will be thinking when she sees she is blocked?? (She has not heard from me since June 2013 and I have done nothing to indicate that I have looked at her social media)

        I really appreciate you @socioexed and @oneredflower for pointing this out to me. (even though, every time I look, I know I shouldn’t) I know that I don’t need it holding me back. These people are not worth the waste of time in my life. I have plenty of great future to focus on… I know our thoughts become our realities, so now its time to shift my focus and not allow the bad things to cloud my vision!!

      87. yeah its hard when you’re addicted to them. thats what they create in the relationship. its a trap so you won’t leave… until they are ready for you to. its very cunning, but the dependance sticks. checking on his or his new targets social media is like picking up the syringe and shooting it into your arm! remember the addiction that he created, fight it when it comes and remember its just an illusion – and certainly no way to live.

      88. Thank you @socioexed and I just finished blocking the other woman #2 from all of my social media.. I cannot block him on facebook because he disabled his profile back in May (Looks like he doesn’t want OW #2 to see any women communicating with him on facebook)

        Well, I was only in love with a lie, someone that was not real… as everyone always mentions on this site, knowing that helps a lot. He was simply a fictional character.

        New Step for me, no more social media checking!! Thanks for your help!!

      89. well put! a fictional character. i like that and very true. anyway, its hard i know. but distance is great eventually. not quite there yet myself but blocking him out has at least given me some space to see the situation for what it is – as opposed to the fantasy version or falling into the addiction of wondering what he’s doing. feels like isolation at first but slowly starting to feel liberated from a monster. depends on the day.

        rooting for you!

      90. Hi SocioExed –

        I am rooting for you also!! And everyone else who has been involved with one of these crazy socios!!

        You are right, they are monsters… I call them devils.. But yes it does feel good to be liberated from him. I have not verbally spoken to him for almost 8 months, The only contact in that time was an email from me in May 2013 and a text from me in July 2013. He never responded. After all this time, I can truly say that Every Day it feels good to be free.. It is definitely getting better the more time passes.. Best wished to you, I know it will keep getting better for you!!

      91. I finally blocked his ex-wife’s facebook too. Frankly, I think she’s homely and stupidly average anyway so, nothing really to look at. Sorry I’m pissy… I’ve had a very bad week and I have a cold. I blocked his sister’s too… just really sick and tired of these people. Never thought I’d block their social media, but it does feel freeing… now they are just nothing to me, and that’s as it should be.

      92. Hi Jusagurl,

        The good thing about Social Media, it helps us to stay connected, the bad thing is we can be connected to people we don’t want or even need to be connected to. Luckily we can block people. And we have to learn to control our urge to look at them and what they are doing… It really is a waste of our lives to focus on people that don’t matter to us. OWs definitely don’t matter, this is now their problem, not ours. We wasted enough time in our lives believing in someone that never existed.. not only that, we endured abuse, being manipulated, deceived, betrayed, used, lied to, conned, etc, etc… No need to waste our lives focusing on what they are doing with the OWs, The OWs are now wasting their own time and their own lives and we are now FREE!! I am so glad, I blocked the O.W. and I will do my best to not get the urge to peek!! I am so ready to be in the next chapter of my life, and to make it a GREAT chapter!!

        I hope you have a better week!! Just know, that our windshield is bigger than our rearview mirror, because where we are going is far more important than where we have been!!

      93. Be strong, NewDay23 – you can do it. Looking at any social media of either one just makes things so much worse. Remember – you can’t unknow what you know, and you can’t unsee what you saw. Those images and words stay with you…and whether they make you angry or sad – bc you looked, you cannot ignore it. At this point, with these people, you’re better off to be ignorant, and not know a d*mn thing.

        Every time I peeked, I had to re-live the break up every time…and as we all know, going through it once was devastating enough.

        Best wishes with your new chapter 🙂

      94. Thank you for the encouragement @Prophette!

        I definitely do not want to make things worse! And you are right!! I am better off not knowing anything.. I can’t wait until the day, that he never crosses my mind!! Best wishes to you as well!!

      95. Thank you, Newday. You’re right that it/they don’t matter. Looking at what they are doing won’t change that he lied to her about a relationship with me, lied to me about having sex with her, and has been absentee from me thinking he just wouldn’t get caught. A person who had cared wouldn’t have even risked it.

        We only end up talking about these kinds of scenarios with respect to people who lack integrity or good judgement and soc’s. I am moving away from their toxicity. As you know, they fill up your life though so, it’s taking some time to replace all that nonsense. It’s probably fortunate I am too busy to care a lot. After the holidays and my work slows down, I’m hoping to have my goals for business coaching ready so I have the right direction.

        One of my first tasks from the coach was to create a list of 101 goals. You would think that would be easy but I’m about half way through and having trouble. It really makes me think about what I want to accomplish in every area of my life. What do I really want to be putting my time into. I used to have a goal list many years ago, but when I looked at it about a year ago, suprisingly, I realized I had accomplished many of them. A person is supposed to replace them with new ones, but I guess I never really believed I was going to get there. Testimony to the power of putting it in print and desiring the thing.

      96. Thank you Jusagurl!

        I need to write out some goals and start working towards them! Right now they are just ideas in my head.. Writing them down will help in accomplishing them. it is much better to have goals, moving forward instead of looking back!!

      97. Good girl Jusa 🙂
        No Contact with him or anyone from his world is the only way to go 🙂
        Sorry you have a cold, sending you loads of love & light 🙂 🙂 oh & a hug….from afar, don’t wanna catch that cold 😉
        PR xoxo

      98. Hi Newday23
        Good to hear that you’re blocking the OW.

        I know it’s hard, but it really does wonders to have No Contact.

        We’re just human so it’s natural to be curious. I admit I do wonder if the OW is looking me up online. I’m a well known columnist in my country so she’ll find lots of public stuff about me but as I’m gone from social media, nothing personal.

        That sort of makes me gleeful hahaha.

        As for you, you’ll be fine. I’m certain of this. You just have to keep focused on making yrself whole again.

        Sending good vibes yr way.

        Peace and Love
        OneRedFlower

      99. Thank you @oneredflower !! That means a lot! I can remember many years ago, being in an abusive relationship, it was probably 10 years ago when it ended, I am not sure if he was a sociopath. I don’t think he was, but I remember when the relationship finally ended it was like a weight lifted off of me, and it was really easy to get over and move on. Also, I was not using any type of social media back in 2003, so I definitely did not have any way to keep up with him. I didn’t even care what he was doing anyway. Except, we worked at the same job until I left in 2006… So I just need to pretend there is no social media when it comes to my ex-socio, and OW #2, I believe that social media has made people just too curious in general, it can waste a lot of time..

        Thanks to this site, and the ability for socio-survivors to be able to connect and support each other, we will all be whole again.. Sending Good Vibes your way Also!

      100. Hi Newday23
        You’re doing so well!!

        No Contact is, I feel, imperative to making a full recovery. And s full recovery is on the cards for us. But we mustn’t sabotage ourselves. We must be strong and focused.

        Oh there will be bad days. I’m having one today but we must allow for them and be kind to ourselves.

        I realise a plan of action shd be in place to deal with bad days. It helps to keep us on the right track.

        It’s horrible feeling down and not knowing what to do next. It might cause us to falter and weaken and we might go looking at social media for news and info of the sociopaths.

        So write down a plan of action and follow it.

        For me it includes doing a burning (I write what I feel and burn the paper), watching my fave episodes of The West Wing (the characters are idealistic, honourable and full of integrity and good intentions … they inspire me and make me feel happy and hopeful) and reading the posts and comments here.

        I think it also helps having an emergency go-to person. A buddy whom you can rely in to respond.

        I don’t mind being yr go-to. If you like I’ll ask Positivas Girl to give you by email address.

        Take good care.

        Warm regards
        OneRedFlower

      101. Thank you so much OneRedFlower!!

        I used to type out all of my feelings and all the bad things that I knew about him. It helped me get it out and put it into my own perspective. One thing I did in the beginning of leaving him, that I wish I did not do, was still believing there was good in him, that it was his troubled past.

        I have made lists.. one that is titled “his lies” and the other “his truths” (of course the list about his truths are really the things he said about himself that was negative and in fact true) I decided to not focus on anything good about him. this was hard for me, because normally I am a positive and uplifting person. By focusing on all of the negative, that has really helped me to move forward. (We cannot be so positive when we look at our garden, we cannot say “there are no weeds, there are no weeds” We have to see the weeds and get rid of them!!)

        Thank you for the advice to make a “plan of action” for bad days, I am definitely going to work on that!!

        I did have a friend that I could talk to, but after awhile, If I ever mentioned anything, she would just have this expression on her face. To me it looked like she was thinking “here we go again” and it seemed she was irritated. I was not going on and on, I would simply mention something when it reminded me of something he did. I know she just wanted me to bury it and forget it… (easier said that done) I believe that to heal, I can’t bury it. It was very hurtful, that last time I saw that expression on her face. So I haven’t said anything else. It became obvious that she was not someone I could talk to.

        I really appreciate your offer to be a “go to person” for me! That would be great, and I would like to be here for you as well!! Yes you can ask Positiva to give me your email, of if you like, I can create an email, post it here, then direct you to my real email. What ever works the best!

        You take good care also!!

        -NewDay23

      102. Actually you can email oneredflower@gmail.com.

        I’ve posted the add here before and it’s been fine.

        Hope I can help.

        No matter how great my friends are (and they are) they don’t quite get it. It really helps talking to someone who’s been through the same thing.

        Email whenever you want to. Maybe we can also IM sometimes.

        Take good care.

        Hugs

        OneRedFlower

      103. Sounds good, Oneredflower, I am glad to connect.. I did send an email to you, let me know if you got it 🙂

      104. I think – not being judgy, people who have experienced these relationships and now have been informed about their significant others or other people who haven’t been informed yet, believe what society view is when a bad relationship is happening or break up occurs, example “you have always picked losers” or “something must be wrong with you to attract men/women like that”, (only because I have heard these words, very hurtful). Family and friends can not wrap their brain around, what we are telling them, it’s very difficult concept, we went into this thinking we have found the ideal perfect mate, not evil in human form. Who would willingly volunteer for a relationship which will destroy their lives? Quite honestly, it’s the ones who patiently hear you out and read what you give them about the subject, who you want in your corner.

      105. Hi Normal
        I agree whole-heartedly.

        My friends are definitely in my corner, but because they haven’t experienced what I have firsthand (like those on this site have), I feel that they will never fully understand what it’s like for me. Thus, they inevitably say things that aggravate me, not on purpose but because it’s hard for them to “get” it. Also, it’s a chore to have to explain every single thing and I feel sometimes the need to justify what I did with regard to the relationship. It’s not my friends’ fault. They are trying to best to understand and help, but it’s such a relief that I can be brief here and people understand because it’s what they’ve been through!

        xxoo
        OneRedFlower

      106. Hi Normal;

        I think .. .no I know… that some of my friends and especially family members are tired of talking about this with me. I do understand that they are not therapists and it’s been 16 months since the split. However, there has been occasional contact with my Socio/Narc via FB or email that brings it all back up, but everyone thinks that I should be over this and that is that.

        After the last drama with him, I have made the decision not to reply to him ever again. I moved away from him (he was lurking like a creeper) and will be changing my phone number. I don’t know if I can block his email, but I plan on marking anything he sends as spam so that I am not tempted. I know he, my SP/N, is rotten to the core, but I still have a weak spot for the perfect mate he created to pull me into his web of lies and deceit. (wow.. that sounds so Lifetime movie…. LOL)

        What family/friends don’t realize is that most of this was swept under the carpet because I was too hurt and humiliated to tell people everything. I joked that I would never have a man in my life again because I am an “a$$hole magnet” and that seemed to make everyone think that I was over it.

        The reality of it is that I would like to have a normal relationship with a normal person and not spend the rest of my life lamenting a love that was a fantasy and left me bankrupt. I would like to have just one day where I didn’t think of him and what he has done to me.

        =)

      107. Hi Celeste
        Hear! Hear!
        Me too!!! I would love to wake up one day and go through it and, at the end of it ,realise he didn’t cross my mind even once.

        God, I am right now in the VERY ANGRY stage and I want to KILL and MAIM. LOL.

      108. Hi 1RedFlower:

        This is totally crass and tasteless, but I remember hearing someone say, “I’d hit you but sh** splatters”. LOL. Don’t let him dirty you up any further!

        Hugs!

      109. OMG Celeste. That’s hilarious. And true. Yes, he doesn’t get to mess up my life further. What a loser.

        Hugs back!
        OneRedFlower

      110. I thought it was anger too, then I realized it was all these other feelings, causing me to be angry. Being angry is very taxing, and causes one to age faster than necessary , I for one DO NOT want that, (I am slightly vain). Also stress is not healthy for your physical body, at one point I couldn’t brush my hair it was falling out so badly, when we were going though our last round of child custody. Stress and mental anguish is all unhealthy.

      111. Celeste and 1RF

        Sorry I am computer dumb, anyway, I totally understand, I was so paralyzed with hurt, depression, betrayal, despair, humiliation, financial ruin, you name it, I had it. I refuse to speak to anyone. I saw my Therapist, once a week and Psch, once a month, for 8 months. Before I started telling anyone what happen! Even now I don’t tell everyone everything. I tell my dad a lot, he hates my ex by the way, but I hold back. I just don’t see the point. I am very grateful for professional therapy and honestly I don’t think I really started to heal until I found this site. I think the reason we don’t tell, is because we even ask ourselves, how could this happen to me? What did I do? I have come to the conclusion, I was perfect, I was happy, young, owned a home, had money, great career, I just wanted true love, and worse, I beLIEved fairy tale loves do exist. Yep, he got me, now it’s bad for him, I don’t believe a word he says and if he was on fire in the middle of the street, I would call him medical aid. It’s not hate, it’s indifference, he thinks it’s personal, he fails to see, I don’t care.

      112. precisely, you get a standard set of comments when it comes up [as much as i now try to hold mentioning him in conversation]. i always get ‘you’ll get over it’ + ‘he’s too young, its to be expected’ + ‘you should go for guys who do XYZ’ … the list goes on. its hard not to get upset by these comments from people you know that care. one good thing is i actually had a friend living with us for a while, and altho he’s not up to speed on SP stuff – he was able to see clearly what was going on a lot of the time. i think being physically around can help people see how difficult relationships with the SP can be. the particular friend i mention said to me recently “i didn’t want to say anything while i was staying with you guys – but i always thought he was a despicable human being and the way he treated you was awful”… hearing that was good, because it was an affirmation that what was going on behind closed doors was witnessed – and real, and really bad! funny how i was the only one who couldn’t see it. i felt it, but i couldn’t make sense of it. was like living in a cave… glad i’m out. still miss the fantasy and get aggravated when people offer dime store advice – but i got out.

      113. Hi Socioexed
        Interesting how their behaviour is often explained as immaturity. Now, my 16-year-old son is immature and irresponsible on many levels but he would never be capable of the sort of diabolically deceitful and manipulative actions practised by our exes.

        That has nothing to do with immaturity. It’s not plain selfishness or being inconsiderate. It’s not thoughtlessness. What they do involves lots of thought and planning. They are devious, dishonest, dastardly.

        Nope, it’s nothing to do with being immature. It’s to do with being psychologically f**ked-up. An immature person matures and learns with time and experience. These jerks only learn to be more and more despicable. May they all break their legs and die of liver disease. Lol.

        Xxoo

      114. yep, and to add to this, i was with a younger guy a few yrs back for 4 years. he was over 10 yrs my junior actually. one of the nicest people i’ve ever dated. in time, things didn’t work out so we went our separate ways – amicably, we have a dog together and still see each other weekly… he’s great, we’re great friends.

        how is it that i can maintain a friendship with an ex who is 10 yrs younger than me – but the socio – who was much older – gets off with the ‘immature’ ticket?

        they don’t even need to make excuses for themselves. plenty of people out there willing to do it for them – and they know it. they rely heavily on the good will of others both close to and peripheral to them.

        2 words – emotional truant.

        ugh

      115. Socioexed, I know 12 year olds who behave better than my ex.

        These idiots have no moral integrity whatsoever.

        I know there are some sociopaths who are supposedly intelligent and accomplished but my ex was very shallow, and any intelligence and talent he had was just employed to manipulate and hoodwink me and his other victims.

        I know I said I didn’t want to talk abt him and I’m trying to limit what I do say but only cos I’m so sick of it all. I agree with you though that it helps to rant.

        By the way, I wonder if sociopaths ever come on this site to read posts and comments. Might they use it as a way to learn how to be better at what they do???

        Also, I wonder if it’s only a matter of time before the victims of the same sociopath end up here, compare stories and realise they’ve been had by the same jerk… That shd be interesting …

        Simetimes I wonder if I shd get someone to Fb message the OW this site’s address. What do you think, Socioexed? Shd I?

        xxoo

        I

      116. hi ORF – couldn’t agree more about any underlying intelligence being used as a weapon. like anything the SP has, it only seems to be a tool to manipulate. its such a sad state of existence. imagine being that split of from reality that anything can only present itself as a challenge / something to undermine? for me, that is what i experienced with my ex. everything was just another potential conquest – particularly in regard to infidelity. i’m pretty sure he was a somatic narc – and they use their looks and sex appeal to get them places. [i mean i guess we all fall prey to that at some point – but we’re talking pathological levels – which i know i prob don’t need to explain]

        to be honest, i don’t think any SP would be on this site – or even know what the term SP means. they don’t think they are anything but perfect… so why would they bother? in my exes case, he had an extremely low emotional gauge, so even if i had told him what i thought he was… A. it would go in one ear and out the other and B.he’d forget the statement in under 5 seconds because there would be something more pressing for him to think about… like … himself.

        i wouldn’t contact the OW… in fact you should really just stay away 100%. from him, from any connection to him in any way. as you say, they are essentially diabolical – so don;t think for a moment he’s not thinking this may be something you would consider doing. just remember that it will only give him a high / another reason to think he’s omnipotent and still has hooks in you.

        i say – no way jose.

        x

      117. Thanks for the good advice, Socioexed.

        Yeah why should I try to help her. After all she knows he cheated on both of us simultaneously and she’s with him still so she’s obviously an idiot who can’t be helped. Is this uncharitable of me? You know what? I don’t care if it is.

        😀

      118. I think she has to learn her own way. If she’s doing wrong things knowingly, your warnings won’t matter anyway as she probably believes she knows what she’s doing. Sometimes, people wake up with a harsh crash instead of a soft nudge. She is not your responsibility. If she wasn’t willfully choosing wrong, I might feel differently. If it will help your own heart/spirit and sense of doing the right thing, pray for her to change inwardly to doing the right thing and for her protection, if it be God’s will.

      119. Good advice Jusa 🙂 re the OW.

        Funny, I remember the OW telling me the Soc wasn’t very demonstrative with her but, he was with me so, from that I take, I am & she isn’t (mirroring) & he is cold towards her, just like a fish really 😉
        I taught him to embrace etc…& used to make him hug me regardless of his mood until he eventually did it without me asking etc…he liked that & said his ex never greeted him like that???
        Imagine living the truth of that existence, says a lot really, just existing in a relationship but, not partaking in it!

        Love PR xoxo

      120. i think the point is that you really ought to be worrying about you. not him, not her… but you. i feel like for the duration of our relationships with these men we are systematically trained to abandon ourselves in order to bring the focus to them 100%. so really, the most good can be done by refocussing on yourself. if that means talking about what happened until you are blue in the face, or whatever you need to do – fine. just as long as its about you. i’m not particularly self centered by nature – but i feel like i have to be extra self asserted at the moment – to make up for the year i was a mere shell of myself. with time i’m hoping i can let go of this a bit – its alien territory for me to be honest. which isn’t surprising when you consider the type of people SP tend to latch onto.

        i don’t think the OW is an idiot – i think the SP is. she is a willing participant in his BS – but so were we. if anything see yourself in her and learn not to hate or be jealous of her – just hope that she learns faster than we did. she prob won’t but she was you once.

        thats something i had to learn hard and fast because my ex had many external interests in other men, especially socially when we went out. at first i hated on them… even if he was only flirting – but then i realized that it was his choice to do this right in my face, and likely he used the good old triangulation tactic to make me look crazy – once or twice the when we got into open air fights about overt flirting – the guy would notice and would approach me and say ‘i’m really sorry – i’m not interested in him, i didn’t realize you were his BF’.

        oh god, when i think about it – it still makes me crazy. he would always turn it around so that i looked like a hysterical lunatic… all the while others were registering that what he was doing was wrong. i was not being a jealous nut – i was reacting to my partner setting up potential targets right in front of me – who wouldn’t go ballistic about this? but oh no – i was out of line for reacting and labelled crazy, paranoid, delusional, jealous.

        the manipulation and framing was just diabolical. i am so glad i got away from him. you should be too.

      121. I just can’t understand why anyone wld stay with a cheater. I didn’t know he cheated til after he broke up with me. She knew and she’s still with him. That’s why I think she’s an idiot but maybe it’s just my way of thinking.

      122. well i stayed – let me explain.

        each time he cheated [the times i actually found out about], i was led to believe it was my fault. it was a process of gas lighting manipulation.

        at first, being a rational human being, i fell for this and made every effort to work on the things he pointed out were at fault… everyone slips up once right? here’s an outline of how shit went down:

        1st time i catch him, he doesn’t come home one night, lies and says he’s doing drugs at a friends place and home soon. i check his phone next day – boom, he’s been bonking some random person he mets at a bar. says ‘how can i ever trust you again after going thru my phone, i was feeling suffocated, you just put so much pressure on me, its hard. i love you, not ready to end things. its a one off mistake… you play a huge role in this. so i’m nuts, a stalker, i pushed him to it. i need to put the brakes on the suspicion.

        ok my fault X1 – check

        2nd time i catch him, in a sexting frenzy with some dude [accidently sent me a random sext… which is how he ultimately gets busted]. says ‘i was just texting, i was going to meet the guy but i’m glad i didn’t, we need to work on our relationship so that i don’t go off the rails, you are too suspicious, chill out. ok so now its that if we argue, or i protest about anything – he goes off the rails. this was his best one ever, kept me terrified to say a darn thing because it was insinuated that if i did – he cheats = i’m in agony.

        ok so my fault X2 – check

        3rd time i catch him, was apparently working late. i notice his gps location is no where near his job. he says ‘omg, how can i ever trust you after checking my phone, and anyway, i was about to make a mistake but changed my mind, i still love you’. ok so i must’ve said something to him to cause this, i must still be being suffocating etc.

        ok my fault X3 – check.

        and on and on it goes. the point is, i loved this man, i wanted to believe in him. i turned a blind eye to so much shit, i think my corneas are permanently stuck to the back of my skull. i was manipulated in so many directions i lost myself. i got confused, mirrored, blamed, framed, shamed into thinking that everything was my fault. this is SP rule numero uno – nothing is my fault, anything that goes wrong is not my responsibility.

        do you think i had any idea at the time what or who i was dealing with? i had no idea…

        this is how it works, the tricks, the smoke and mirrors, gas lighting, blame shifting all pull you away from your ordinary sense of sanity.

        thats how they get us to stay – even in the most absurd situations.

      123. @socioexed

        my ex stayed out all night a few times and I called literally all night long, wondering if he was ok, what was going on.

        One time he stayed out all night with out telling me, he said he was in the country and his tire blew, he had no reception. ( he was supposedly at a horse show)

        The other time he was out all night, he said he was at his son’s friends college town and decided to stay night and work on his car for him. He said he left his phone in the truck all night.

        Other times he was simply out of town on “horse shows” for days at a time, he called me every night on these occasions, but I really do not know the truth about where he was.

        When I did catch him in a lie, about where he was, because his daughter posted a different location from her phone on face book. He was in the picture and he was with her (so he said) The lie he came up with was really dumb and unbelievable. But after that, he was always calling me a stalker and he couldn’t take it anymore.

        So I did not have proof yet of his cheating, but he was turning it on me and accusing me.

        I was trying to do the right things and not upset him, I did not want to ruin the relationship…

        Also, I remember him telling me he was going to get gas at 10 at night, which is something he never did. I was at a friends, when I got home 40 minutes later, he was not there. We were living in a small town. I went to the only gas station and there he was in his truck, parked up next to the building, talking on the phone.. in the dark , because the gas station was closed. I pulled up, asked who he was talking to and he said the coach of his son’s football team.. After this, he also said I was stalking him.. Funny thing is, he told me where he was. And he wasn’t doing what he said he was doing.

      124. We all need to focus on ourselves and our own healing. We can’t save anyone else. They have to learn their own lesson. Some people just prefer to learn on their own, even if they are given information before entering a relationship.

      125. This is To Socioexed and OneRedFlower… and everyone else here reading this…

        On Positiva’s newest post “Dating a Sociopath will make you feel very small” First of all, this was a great post and is very “spot on”

        In the comments, Positiva is giving me some advice on getting my life back on track and goal setting! Its some great information to read. I believe it will help with getting “un-stuck” I am going to be working on my goal setting to day, and I am getting excited about that and moving forward in my life…

        I wish the best for all of you here, I know how difficult it is, but lets focus on us and be sure to never be in this situation again. We are great people with great things to do in our life!! We don’t have time to be held down by any of these crazy weirdos!! They can have their sad lives!! It is a New Day for us, and we can change our lives for the better!

      126. The only truthful statement ever to roll out of my ex-husbands mouth “I never loved you”. Why didn’t you say so to begin with! Waste 8 years of my life, I could of been with a real man.

      129. Hi Socioex,

        I think we delude ourselves sometimes into thinking, “I am such a good person, how can you help be any other way around me”, like we can make them better or ‘fix them’ but, as we know, the Soc starts to use you against yourself & slowly bit by bit you are accepting of the unacceptable behavior, it’s all grooming & testing & then the ruining begins…we have all been there & done that & we have all admitted acting out of character & compromising ourselves. That’s the game changer for the Soc, when they have you in total submission, they move to the next target for the thrill of the kill & on it goes…sigh 😦
        We aren’t like that normally so, now we rebuild & re establish healthy boundaries, that’s our lesson & our task, rebuild, revive & survive 🙂

        PR xoxo

      130. PS i couldn’t agree more. you have a great outlook on things. very sane. and yes, i was completely out of character, pretty much from day one. i think for the future i need to take note of this. i think at first i thought it was just new relationship jitters – but it only escalated. also i had never been with a SP before so i just had no idea what was going on. i did truly think that i am a good person so therefore you should work on yourself. he actually told me in the beginning that i made him want to be a better person. i guess thats one of those mirror moments pos talks about so often. there were plenty of others. my trust was just given to him to easily. alas, when he realized he had me going bonkers over him, yup, he was gone. i actually kicked him to the curb but to this day he would insist it was his decision – all about control. but he’s gone now, and like you said, the door is open… so i’m just going to walk straight through it and quite ruminating myself to death over it… honestly, he was a douche bag anyway – he was just really bloody handsome. haha.

      131. LOL…Mine was not handsome but, charismatic & smelt fantastic!
        Then again, he bought me & the OW the same perfumes so, we could not smell the perfume under his aftershave, only our own!!! Ahh what a guy 😉

      132. Hi OneRedFlower,

        It is also hard for me to understand why someone would want to be with a cheater. OW#2 Knew that he was a cheater before even entering the relationship. He was talking to her long distance on the phone. Grooming and Idealizing her. She had not seen him for 20+ years. I had the chance to let her know everything about him before she saw him and she still went with him.

        First of all, I think that most people think that they are the “exception” that it wont happen to them. (This applies to a lot of areas in life) Also, in our cases with Sociopaths. They lie so much that these OW may not realize they are lying and probably don’t believe they are cheaters anyway.. The OW believes that the Socio is Amazing, not realizing the socio is a predator and going to do the same thing again and again.
        The OW is made to believe she is better than the others and that she is the right one for him. Who knows what mind manipulation the Socio is doing.. The socio also makes the previous targets look like the crazy one.

      134. @Newday, the OW is on the same position that we were. On one of my last discussion with my Pinochio he began to defend her and talked about how she try to make him happy. Out of the blue I said to him, if she is so perfect why you treat she like a trashbag calling her names like slut, whore, bitch, crazy…he stop talking and then asked me furious how did I know that? …then he started accusing me of talking with her and said, “I called her those names because I can’t trust her I knew she was talking with you… (the truth is that I made the comment without any foundation, just knowing by instinct that he was doing to her the same things he did to every women he was with)

      135. Love It NMI, your fantastic 🙂
        When I met with the OW we had a giggle over the fact he said the same lines etc…’I can only be myself with you’ & ‘you are my wife, my possession’ blah blah 😉 so, if that wasn’t a big enough red flag for her to get out then, nothing would move her out of his grasp!
        Lol, I never got a chance to tell her about the name calling but, am in little doubt he calls her his ‘bitchie’, my whore blah blah….he even said, ‘I am a Mother F@*ker’& I would think of a Gumby parody that was on Youtube where it’s voiced over & Gumby says ‘Roly Poly Mother F@*ker’ & I always had to not let my Roly Poly Sociopath see my sneaky little grin 😉 he was such a squat little chubby man but, oh what a ginormous ego 🙂 🙂 he looked like he was 10 months pregnant & I don’t think he’d seen his Pee Wee for years! LOL oops…;)

        LOL PR xoxo

      137. 🙂 Great day to you also NMI 🙂
        I hope you are well & recovering & putting all this behind you 🙂
        I wish you continued health & love & light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      138. oooooo – the instinct is always, always smarter. thats something i’ve taken away from this experience. every time something wasn’t right, i’d get that feeling in the pit of my stomach, and once i stopped ignoring it was when i woke up! sometimes there was no obvious reason to even get that feeling, but then i’d discover something days / weeks later that corresponded. it comes for a reason – and its sharper than a radar.

      140. Thank you PR.

        Actually he doesn’t seem to have done any of what’s described in the article. Perhaps he isn’t a 100% sociopath but that doesn’t matter. He is a pathological liar, a mean cheating bastard and a merciless manipulator with no conscience, and all that is bad enough for me to cheerfully curse him to the ends of the earth.

        🙂

        OneRedFlower

      141. P.S. It’s telling that I’m friends with all my other exes I do NOT want to be friends with this ex. EVER! No one I’ve been with before has filled me with such loathing. He is just someone whom I would not normally have been with if I’d not had other issues going on.

        My therapist said “Well five months and you were out of it!” That really is reason to celebrate
        🙂

        xxoo
        ORF

      142. Hi OneRedFlower!

        I just read the link you posted about Torture by Triangulation, thanks for posting that for me!! Puts things in better perspective! I really like
        “The Detective Rule”. The idea is simple: if you find yourself playing detective with someone, you remove them from your life immediately.
        I hope you are having a great day 🙂 Thanks again!

      143. Hi ORF 🙂

        It was always the deal breaker for me as well. I cannot imagine accepting the Soc’s betrayal & the continuance of it but, some people do for reasons they have to figger out???
        My Soc, knew I would never stand for it so, that’s why he went to great length’s to make sure I never did!
        At the end of the day, I would rather be alone than cheated on.
        I don’t lie awake at night wondering, is he telling the truth, who’s he with etc…the OW was even stalking our Soc before she discovered me so, must still be doing her ‘head in’, knowing what she knows now. She is a professional DR reduced to following her partner, says a lot & the fact she stayed says even more!

        Love & light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      144. Hi PR & Everyone
        I mwt with my therapist today.
        What a relief! A lot of questions cleared up and I so needed to understand why I felt x and y and z.

        I’m feeling so much better as she cld answer my questions.
        Her theories are spot on:
        I was quite amazed.
        Apparently nothing is random.

        I wanted to know why I behaved in a certain uncharacteristic manner when I met my ex in May 2013. Things he did and said that would have normally been deal breakers for me, I allowed/ignored.

        Her theory was there would have been a trigger that started two years before. What happened in 2011? Nothing, I said. But in fact it was the start of the application process for my Masters and it all culminated in the uncharacteristic behaviour. I was quite astounded at how uniform it all is.

        The Masters represented a change in my life and added stress. It was a good thing, but it caused me to neglect myself in other levels

        I wasn’t putting myself first emotionally and, ultimately, it meant that I stopped valuing myself. So … I accepted things that wld normally have been deal breakers.

        So interesting!I love knowing the whys and whereforesI of things as
        It helps me deal.

        She said if ever we behave uncharacteristically it’s a red flag so pay attention! Previously she’d also said to trust my instincts. If we feel something isn’t right, walk away immediately or get answers until totally satisfied, and if not satisfied, walk away!

        Glad to say I seem back on track cos recently I’ve encountered blokes who’ve done/said deal-breaking things and I walked away immediately.

        Oh she also identified my feelings of being unsettled and hazy as being in the “refocusing” stage of the healing process. She’s seen me through depression, denial, bargaining and anger. She says I’m now swinging between anger and figuring out my life. And the next stage … A New Beginning!

        Yesssss!

        Love and Peace
        ORF

      145. Hahahaha OMG this so brought a smile to my face, only because my ex is alcoholic. But “he has it under control” and various other practicing alcoholic, statements. May they all break their legs and die from liver disease. That’s funny.

      146. yeah mine was a drug abuser. i could tell when he was on something – but he either denied it or would say it was no big deal – basically insinuating that i was uptight – yeah ok, so you go ahead and shoot up ketamine in my bathroom with a bunch of your druggy friends. i’m just uptight. its no big deal. jesus… if the walls could talk in that apt. it would be a a 14 part novella… that i wouldn’t recommend reading on an empty stomach.

      147. Mine also say that he is not an alcoholic, “have you ever seen an alcoholic who can make what I do every day? I run, I swim I ride the bike, I am a triathlete” He exercise everyday (sometimes I think he isaddicted to exercise) but every day he drinks more than 15 beers on less than 3 hours. Now he doesn’t drink, he have everything “on control”. His control? Now he drinks a bottle of tequila or vodka on less than two hours.

      149. Additionally, I am fun. I don’t need “enhancements” to cloud my judgment or behavior, there is nothing I wouldn’t do stone cold sober which I wouldn’t do otherwise. Nor will I compromise my standards for your addictions.

      150. Ditto, it’s not immaturity, it’s a cold & calculated assault on every target that they choose to engage with. Remember, if you take emotional connection & conscience out of the equation, you are acting purely from a base level of response to survive. The Soc has no consideration for you at any time, it’s not personal, it’s just the way they are 😦
        Predators to the end!

      151. that made my spine tingle and its so true. my friends always said about my ex that he seemed like such a survivalist. i didn’t really understand what they meant at the time, but i get it now.

        like you said, no emotional connection or conscience = base level survival. and that description fits him like a glove. its one of the only ways i’ve been able to comprehend it. he was just doing what he had to to survive in his hostile, self absorbed world…

        still scares the pants off me.

      152. I know it’s a hard concept to embrace but, it is what it is 😦
        I read something yesterday that we should ‘Feel,Deal & Heal’, simple but,powerful 😉
        If you start to focus less on the actions of the Sociopath & more on how, you can move through these stages to come out of it a stronger & a more self aware person then, that is the greatest revenge.
        Living a real life, not a lie like the Sociopath does!
        You are the important one, do not excuse his poor behavior but, learn to look at this with the same disengagement as the Sociopath does.
        He doesn’t care, nor should you.
        You are a caring, loving person & he never deserved you in the first place but, you deserve you & finding peace will be your greatest reward 🙂
        Soc’s never find this level of understanding or peace within,no emotion,no conscience just existing with nothingness, really awful existence but, one they have to endure forever but, not us 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

      153. very good advice, well put and thank you. i am taking that on board. i actually might print that out and stick it on my wall!

        x

      154. Your welcome 🙂

        Remember, it’s never been about us, it’s all about them & we just took the bait & got caught in the trap!
        You are not alone & the trap is gone, the door is open so, join me on the outside 🙂 we are free 🙂 ;)……time to celebrate, a New Year is ahead & so is love & life 🙂
        PR xoxo

      157. He shoveled the snow from my drive and sidewalk today in exchange for the $40 he took to fix my closet, which didn’t happen because I had the conversation with the OW. What do you take that to mean? Conscience? (I hassled him about owing me the $$ in my final, mean texts.)

      158. Hi Jusa,

        It’s not conscience it’s ‘keeping up appearances’, all part of the act & maybe then he’ll feel better about himself being ‘a good guy’. It could also be seen as a way back in so, be careful as he’s still on your radar & your on his! They love a challenge & they hate being discovered so, will do anything to make you think you’ve got it wrong, they aren’t so bad but, they are!

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

        P.S. I sent you a email 🙂

      159. It means he is trying to weedle his way back into your life. He is now playing nice guy – and helpful and caring. Which will break down your barriers.

        No. Not conscience. But from my experience, they can do good things. It is just the bad things that they do and the pain that they cause.

        Remember he ALWAYS has an agenda. Always – so he is trying to get you on side. Sociopaths (if he is one) can be very thoughtful – mine came back and helped with the garden, helped with lots of things he worked really hard…. he also moved back in!!!

        While they are sociopaths capable of horrible acts of behaviour, this is in their brain as they are without conscience…..

        This doesn’t mean that they cant do good things too. But don’t be fooled usually if they do, they have a self motivated interest in it too.

      161. i think arrested development is a better way of putting it. they seem stuck in some time warp – immaturity is alot more innocent.

      162. Hi Pos,

        I never saw my Soc as childish or immature but, he is a high ranking officer so, maybe the training of being a responsible person, that others seek for advice etc…made his act better? Remember also, I was not traditionally discarded so, never got to see his full regalia of behavior & I did not live with him so, missed a lot of clues as his 2 jobs & shift work gave him many excuses & covers.
        I was just a player in his silly game which, in itself says a lot I guess about maturity, only children play games traditionally 😉

      163. You know, I am happy you had a 3rd party witness the partial removal of the mask, and you were vindicated. I too often look back and wonder why I tolerated so much. I now know it’s because I was in love with pretend guy, who never existed.

      164. yup – in fact – the last time i caught him cheating i enlisted a few friends to come over as i threw him out. we packed up his stuff [amounted to 5 industrial garbage bags] and when he returned the following morning, coked out of his mind and smelling of sex, they were all there waiting. i did this for several reasons:

        1. i didn’t want to incur his rage and abuse. i knew if people were there he wouldn’t do this.
        2. i wanted to expose him.
        3. i wanted to let him know that others were on my side and that i had support. i wasn’t the weak rag doll he was making me out to be.
        4. i just wanted to piss him off – without the threat of retaliation.

        so having witnesses at that point was a really good idea. they were all super supportive after the fact and able to remind me of his reactions at that moment… which were pretty appalling.

        he asked for his portion of the rent back – pro rated for the amount of days passed in the month [he contributed very little, but what he had put in, he wanted back]. he said that he needed a place to sleep, shower and get dressed. i mean it was just crazy. no ‘sorry’, ‘can we talk’ nothing normal like that. he was just cold as ice.

        my friends all remind of that from time to time. it was prob one of the scariest reveals of this mans inner workings i’d ever seen… and thank god i wasn’t alone that day.

      165. I think it is hard for people who have never been in this kind of relationship to understand what you are going through. I know that my own family is so disgusted with him, that they don’t want to hear anything I have to say about things – they don’t understand that there are times that I need to talk, need for someone who isn’t crazy to talk to me and validate that I AM NOT THE CRAZY ONE.

        So finding this blog has been a God-send. No judgement, no complaints, just like-minded people who understand. =)

      166. Exactly Celeste! I am glad to have this site and blog to read and communicate, no one can truly understand unless they have been through it!

      167. Hi NewDay 23 – yes, I think you should block her from all social media, and stop going in to look at her pages. Someone I know likened it to emotional cutting, and I agree – nothing good can come of it, and you will continue to beat yourself up, even though he and she are the ones with the issues. Take care of yourself, and good luck.

    1. You will leave, when the time is right for you wish. When you realise that all you will incur is further loss, hurt and pain. You will look at it, and choose.

      Either be with someone you love, and be abused. Or be alone with nobody ruining your life. it is quite some choice, when you love somebody.

      But is the damage that they do to you, and your life, actually worth it?

      Reply

    2. Hi Wish;
      I went through the same thing. He had me convinced that there was something wrong with me, that I couldn’t remember things correctly, didn’t listen, wasn’t paying attention, etc. Truth is that he couldn’t keep the lies straight.

      Even walking away hasn’t made it stop – but it has given me the opportunity to look at everything that has happened and slowly try to recover from it.

      take care. =)

      Reply

  28. I dated a sociopath for 2 years. It would take ages to explain all of the things he did to me, including killing my puppy, using heroine for months, having sex with prostitutes, fraud, robbing people at gunpoint, stealing approximately a million dollars from his parents, making me turn my back on a lot of my good friends with his bold and incredible elaborate lies. You would think these things would be impossible to miss, but he somehow managed to hide everything SO well.It is so scary just thinking about it. But this story was probably the most insane one.

    When I first started dating this guy, he wanted to buy me a ticket to his home town for a week or two, so I could meet his family and he could take me out. We got very dressed up, and (unknowingly on my part), went out to one of the nicest restaurants in Houston with stolen money. Anyway, that isn’t the point. We walked into the restaurant, and ALL of these old men knew him, called him by his name, and he began to speak arabic and began to talk business with all of these old men. He was just a sophomore in college, but convinced everyone he was a self made millionaire and that he was much older than he really was. I was astonished. He even had bought me a fake ring, and stuck it on my finger before we entered the restaurant! He had all of these men wrapped around his finger, and the person he pretended to be was so scary. If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t be able to recognize him between the person he was around me and the person he presented to these people. He began to explain all of these elaborate and made up stories about “our wedding in Dubai”. It was absolutely insane. He would smoke cigars in his Armani suits and talk about different profits his fabricated oil business had made around the world. These men were real millionaires who had been working for years, and he could deceive them entirely. I remember going into the bathroom and bawling because I just had such a weird feeling about him. After further research, I discovered he was in fact a sociopath and I am far away from him now.

    I just won’t ever forget how easily he could look into my eyes and tell me the biggest and most asinine lies, but make me eat up every word. I felt so foolish for so long, but now I have discovered how not alone I really am in this.

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  29. Before we started dating I remember being told that she didn’t sleep with someone that I heard from good friend that she did have sex with them. I guess I didn’t want to believe it. My good friend I know wouldn’t lie to me. The soc I was about to date said he couldn’t get it up and such and such when I questioned her but my good friend said she told her that they had sex for sure. Of course she had to lie to me to get me to sleep with her and let her use me so she denied and denied. What’s creepy is when they reveal evil things they’ve done but laugh them off when you call them on it. All evil things they have done they reveal in bits and pieces and laugh about.

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  30. The first lie was that he never masturbated. Turns out that’s all he did every chance he got. The second was when he was away for the weekend for his job, we had been married about 2yrs. We talked on the phone until around 2am. The next morning I had a message on the machine, that came in around 3am. It was two people screwing their brains out. I knew it was a butt or bed dial from him. He vehemently denied it, and said it was probably my ex. If it doesn’t make sense, it isint true. Now, 11yrs later, after TONS of lies, I realize he is incapable of the truth, and will never disclose all of the information that has made me feel CRAZY. That I was being paranoid, or the time he actually left our bed for 2 nights straight, that I imagined it, and was sleeping. I don’t know why we just want to believe them, that they couldn’t possibly hurt us this way, but the sad truth is, they DONT care.

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