How to cope with feelings of betrayal

betrayal-quotes-sayings-you-trusted-the-most

Nothing stabs you in the heart harder, than when the knife is in your heart and back at the same time. Betrayal, is the worst feeling of all because the truth about betrayal, is that it always comes from someone that you either love, or trusted.

Coping with betrayal, and dealing with those feelings, can take some work and some effort. On the one hand, your mind constantly tries to work out what has happened and why. On the other hand, your stomach hurts, your heart hurts, and you feel slain. When you first discover betrayal, it can make no sense. Betrayal often comes out of the blue, and often stabs you like a thief in the night.

Why does betrayal hurt so much? 

I think of all the things that I have been through in my life, aside from the death of my daughter (and even that, I felt betrayed that she wasn’t here), betrayal, has to be the worst feeling in the world. Simply because you TRUSTED that person. Often you also LOVED them. Betrayal hurts, because it isn’t something that you would do to them. it shows, loud and clear, just how little you meant to that person. Betrayal, hurts in the heart, and it also hurts by being stabbed In the back.

Betrayal hurts so much, because we have a sense in our mind about who someone is. We trust them, and confide in that person, tell them our innermost secrets, and trust that they will not betray that trust.

Betrayal hurts because it is

  • Often unexpected
  • Feels unfair and unjust
  • Comes from someone that you trusted and probably held in high esteem
  • Makes you realise that person felt less about you than you did about them
  • Can shatter illusions and make you feel niave and stupid for not seeing what was happening before
  • Can make you question your own judgement
  • Can shake you for realising that your trust that was so naively given, was misplaced
  • Makes you feel worthless and devalued

When you have been betrayed, the person that you held in high esteem, often on a pedestal, comes crashing down in front of you. You realise that the relationship that you did have, was only one sided, or that it was only you that held values. You try to reason, how this person could possibly treat you this way?

Your mind races, as your heart hurts so badly, you want to put it in a cupboard. In one sense, you do not want it to be true, but you cannot escape the reality for too long, as you come to terms with what is the truth, the illusion that you held of the person that has betrayed you, crumbles in front of you. As this happens, a part of you crumbles too.

Never let somebody else define who you are

This had happened to me recently. Not within a relationship, and it left me feeling devastated. My heart hurt so badly that i wanted to put it in a cupboard, to take the hurt and the pain away.

And then some wise person (thank you PR) said to me, ‘never let someone else take away your power, you are beautiful just the way that you are‘. or something like this….  I know that this sounds simplistic. But it is true.

Somebody else can only destroy you, if you allow them to. Stop giving someone else the importance of your life, that is not deserved. Nobody is more important than you are. This doesn’t mean that you have to be egotistical, or full of self importance.

What happens when you have been betrayed, is that you realise that you have trusted someone else with a part of you, that you could fulfill yourself. No other person is so immortal, that they complete a part of you. If someone is making you feel bad about YOU this is NOT a healthy relationship.

For those that believe in you, you will never have to prove who you are, for those that don’t no proof would ever be enough!

Letting it go, sounds easy. Particularly if you are in the midst of a ruining and smear campaign. This is the most hurtful feeling, as with a ruining and smear campaign, it is deliberately to hurt you, and to humiliate you. Even in this instance, you can stop giving your power to it.

It might be tempting to lash out, and to react back. It might make you feel better, for a very short time. Likely (if you have any feelings) you will feel bad about YOUR reactions the next day (and so the cycle continues). REMOVE YOURSELF COMPLETELY FROM THE SITUATION!

You are whatever you give out to the world, not what somebody does to you. What defines you, is who you really are. Betrayal can be caused by:

  • Cheating
  • Stealing
  • Lying to you or about you
  • Bearing false witness against you
  • Falsely accusing you
  • Gossiping about you
  • Sharing private information that you have shared

No contact and the importance of the No Contact rule

If you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you will understand the no contact rule. If you are new, and haven’t read it. I won’t put the links here, but if you type in ‘no contact’ into the search bar on the top right hand side, you will find the articles about no contact.

No contact is important, what you are doing, is allowing yourself space to heal and recover. YES it might hurt like hell. You might be desperate for answers and to learn that this betrayal is not true. Or to understand ‘why’. The truth is, that the person who has betrayed you is not the person to ask ‘why’.

The question is, ‘why you allowed someone else so much power over you’…. nobody is more important than you are.

Learning to trust

Just as somebody else does not define you, it can only control you, and your life, if you allow it to. The most important point is to TRUST YOURSELF!!! It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it is what YOU think that is important.

LET IT GO…..

Now this sounds easy huh? You might think, ‘how can I let it go? I am feeling devastated, none of this is making sense to me, I hurt like hell’….

The truth is the person who hurt you, cannot heal you, but you can heal yourself. We all can. If you struggle to heal yourself, if you find that you are going around in a self destructive circle – KEEP IT SMALL!!!, if you are really struggling, check in to start therapy, to work through your pain in a healthy way.

Keeping it small is really important. When you have been betrayed, what has happened, is swimming in your head, your heart, your stomach, you can feel literally slayed, and weak. It is time to bring back the focus to YOU.

Keeping it small is important. The mind is powerful and can play tricks. You can beat yourself up, blame yourself, hate yourself even (for trusting this person who hurt you) and even hate them. Keeping it small, you bring the focus back to you. Your world, is exactly how you create it to be.

It was a long time ago, that I was so traumatised, that literally I had no concept of tomorrow, it was just a white space. I think before this trauma, I would probably do my own head in (and this was without abusive relationships) worrying about tomorrow, next week, next month, there was always something to worry about.

Then my world stopped. My world stood still. I went through the most heartbreaking thing, that is probably humanly possible. How did I cope?  I coped simply because my brain could ONLY focus on RIGHT NOW. This wasn’t a choice, it was what happened to my brain. But you know, it protected me. It made what i was experiencing easier to cope with.

Try not to worry about tomorrow, or next week or next month. Take back control of YOU, right NOW. Bring back the focus to you.

You cannot change what someone has done to you. But this is  for them to deal with. Their karma will come. It might take a long time, you might never get to see it, you cannot be responsible for their actions – but you will always be responsible for your own.

Be the bigger person. Rise above it, nothing that somebody else has done, can possibly destroy you. You will AWAYS recover.

What is devastation today, will one day, just be a distant memory. Instead of focusing on what you CAN’T do, focus instead on what you CAN.

  • What can you do to make you happier right now?
  • What do YOU want to achieve?
  • Where would YOU like to be?

If others have hurt you, and betrayed you, let them go…. sometime you have to let people go to allow people who are more right for you into your life. Just let them go. You do not need someone in your life who will hurt you, cause you pain, betray you.

By letting go…. you will grow…..

It is likely that this relationship was unhealthy for you, it was stopping your growth. Whoever, it was that has hurt you, who has betrayed you, THEIR BETRAYAL DOES NOT DEFINE YOU!!! THEIR BETRAYAL SAYS MORE ABOUT THEM – THAN IT DOES ABOUT YOU!!!

I have said that in capital letters, as I want to stress the point. Some people are all about themselves for whatever reasons. How you are feeling, is not really important. They are just thinking of their objectives.

If someone has stabbed you in the heart – and the back at the same time – realise that this defines THEM and NOT YOU.

You might try to reason how you deserve this, after all you would never do this to somebody? I know, I wouldn’t have either, I would have more respect for myself, to not have respect for someone else. Again, their actions are not a reflection  of you, they are a reflection of who they are.

If they would do this to you, they are not worthy of you. this is true. they are not worthy of your time, your energy, your passions, everything about you, that is beautiful. IF that person has taken the life and the energy from you, zapped you, and made you question yourself… STOP….

Take a deep breath and get a pen and a piece of paper. Write 3 lists. I want you to write a list of

  1. All the things that you LIKE about you.
  2. Then write another list – All the things that you have to offer
  3. Then write another list – all the things that YOU want to achieve in life

You be elaborate, you put those ideas down and out there, and you believe in you.

Nobody can take away who you are. Unless you allow them to. Give your power back to you, stop giving your life force and your power to those who do not deserve it. Keep your world small while in healing and recovery. Stick to people you trust, people who love you for you, even if that is only one person.

I promise you, the pain that you feel in your heart, will not be forever. Someone once asked me how long does this take? How long does this healing process take? It hurts so much, and so badly?

The answer…. really…… as long as you want!!

Love yourself – you are worth it. Trust in yourself – believe in yourself – never let someone else define who you are. Unless that person is enhancing you – someone else is  either part of the problem or part of the solution. If someone else is a problem, stick to no contact (as much as is possible) don’t give your energy away to anybody who will suck the life out of you, and stab you in the back.

Yes betrayal is painful. Especially when you trusted someone. It is the worst feeling in the world – but – you can move on from it quicker than you realise. IF you are prepared to let go, and allow yourself to grow.

Copyright 2014 datingasociopath.com

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64 thoughts on “How to cope with feelings of betrayal”

  1. This resonates so deeply for me. The last few dats my mind was really swimming with obsession and this article helped center me tremendously. Thank you!!! I really like the part that says that I am NOT what others do to me.

    1. Thank you. This is true.

      You tell yourself, that this is a reflection of who THEY are not you.

      if you are struggling to find yourself, remember to keep it small – focus on NOW…..right now is all that you have. it is all that you have control over.

      You are beautiful just the way that you are.

  2. Unfortunately no contact is not possible when you have a child with a sociopath. I would gladly never see this psycho again and hate my poor baby has to spend time with him. This child he didn’t want and tried to make me abort or give away, but when I kept the baby he decided he couldn’t let me keep his property so he is fighting me in court for custody. My son is like a trophy to him and he uses him as a pawn.

    1. I am sorry that you are going through this JH. I know from what I have read that those who have children, especially when they are being dragged through the courts, go through the worst time, especially when they use the person you love so much to hurt you, manipulate you, control you.

      The only advice I can offer is to keep any contact brief, and treat it as a business transaction (afterall this is how he views you and probably your child) as a possession that he owns.

      How long has court being going on for? I hope you have a good and supportive legal team behind you and people in your life to support you, as I know that they can lie, manipulate and deceive, so never give them any information that can later be used against you, keep records of EVERYTHING. Never tell them the truth about you and your life. What he doesn’t know he cannot manipulate.

      1. Thank you so much. You have been such a help to me reading your posts. My son is 2 and we have been in court for two years. I have spent $15,000 in attorney fees. And you are so right that sociopaths can fool attorneys and mediators and judges. I was in shock at our last trial. They bought his act of poor dad just wanting to spend time with his son and selfish controlling mother won’t let him. He got everything he asked for. My appeal is next month before a different judge. My lawyer sees right through him and is the first person that told me we were dealing with a sociopath. She feels this new judge will see through him too. Thanks for the support and kind words. Please keep us in your prayers.

      2. It is really good that you have legal support that sees the truth and supports you, this can make a difficult journey even better.

        Do you write down and record EVERYTHING – they can melt your mind with their mind games…. I also think its a difficult one with social media too, as he will deliberately use this to hurt you.

        I do also understand that some mothers have said that they want to know what they are doing with their child. Remember that they are masters of illusion and those photos would only be what they wanted you to see.

        Do you know how much longer the case will continue? Does he also have to pay for legal fees. Try to get EVIDENCE by recording EVERYTHING you can, as often so much can happen you can miss things and it just feels like an overwhelming mess that feels impossible to navigate through.

  3. His girlfriend hates me and uses my son as well. She and her family post pictures of him on social media and try to pass him off as theirs. They act like she is his mother and I don’t exist.

    1. That is so hurtful. But don’t allow him to take away your power. You remember that you are the mother. He lives with you, and no matter what illusion he paints you…. you have the power. More than you realise. You are more powerful than you think you are.

  4. This is what I’m struggling with most. Not just because of the sociopath, who, it turns out, has just been a symbol of earlier betrayal (anyone else?) This, for me, started a long time ago and is the root of all the other issues I’m trying to address right now with anxiety, self-confidence, motivation, etc. I plan to do the list-writing “homework” as it is exactly where I’m at and what I’m trying to discover right now. I had a hard week this week with this so, I hope it will help the work with the therapist.

    1. I guess I should add I’ve discovered I have some need to abuse myself. I believe I do this through eating what’s bad for me sometimes to the point of headaches, by excess drinking sometimes, by thwarting my real goals through these behaviors (which probably supports my belief that I’m some failure), and then finally, through contact with the sociopath who doesn’t value me as much as I valued him. It really is a complete circle for me. The sociopath isn’t the first person who has triggered these behaviors, but I marvel that there has been an internal process happening with me for a very long time, that I seemingly made no connection with at all. Stay tuned. I’m not really sure what it will take to end the complete cycle, but I was honest with my therapist about what I’ve been up to. Finally.

      1. That is a huge step. You say that you were ‘honest with the therapist’ but the truth is that you were finally honest with yourself. To say those words out loud to someone else, is a huge deal in therapy. As often people either ‘don’t know’ or if they do, they don’t even know how to begin to explain it.

        So I would say that you are moving forward, possibly more than you realise.

      2. I think so too. It is scary, of course. The therapist said, “Good work; vulnerability looks good on you.” Ha ha

      3. Hi Jusa 🙂

        So sorry you have been struggling & I wish you’d contacted me 😦
        You have been so so strong for such a long long time & I really value & appreciate how honest & supportive you have been here on this site & elsewhere.
        Food & alcohol are ways of protecting & self soothing & yes, a deeper meaning lies beneath the need to abuse yourself via these substances.
        At the time it feels good but, then guilt & shame & punishment either physically or mentally will betray you.
        Yes, self betrayal is part of the journey.
        I truly have come to believe that the Soc has come to teach us about ourselves & make us look fully at ourselves as you are now doing.
        Keep doing it, it’s hard but, you are truly worth the effort 🙂
        Your very good & helping others & now is your time to turn this truth onto & into yourself. Listen to yourself when you speak from your heart.
        Greater control & self awareness are now within your grasp & you will be amazed at how much better you will feel when you finally stand inside yourself & in your power.
        You are unique & truly amazing, believe it & embrace it 🙂
        You are Jusagurl & she’s pretty damn wonderful & I know it, I want you to know it as well 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

    2. I think that feelings of betrayal, if we do not work through them, if we try to repress them, blame ourselves. When we are being abused, or feeling betrayed, at the time, our worlds can shrink.

      I have found that if I don’t properly work through it, then it can pop up much later in life, when connected with someone else (when I studied counselling, the tutor described it as a stuck record that jumps).

      I found (personally) that gestalt therapy can help with this, I know I recommended it to someone else here, who also said it was useful. With gestalt you get to go right back there and heal old wounds. I don’t know if your therapist does this or if you would find it useful?

      1. I’ll message her and ask. That way it may give her time to research before I see her next, if she wants.

      2. Sound like you have a wonderful therapist!!! That comment what you said ‘vulnerability looks good on you’ is such a great comment. In gestalt therapy you work with you as a whole. To realise that the whole of your life is YOU. Everything that has happened, every single experience. There is no past, future, you are all part of the same whole (if this makes sense). The therapist notices not just what you say, but also your body language, this helps to bring out more in you, and for you take back the power of you. It isn’t for everyone, I found it really effective, and working with people I found it helped other people to really open up.

      3. Pos, that was me you recommended the Gestalt to 😉

        It definitely helped because, it makes you go deeper & right back to the beginning….your conception & perception of yourself really! 🙂
        What doesn’t break you makes you….hmm yes, deliberate misquote but, very true as, years of abuse add up & choices become skewed so, back to the beginning to undo the damage & find the real you 🙂
        The loving beautiful person you started out as 🙂

        Like a ball of string that unravels & you have to start gathering it all back nice & neat & not running & twisting & tangling you up 😉 🙂

        PR xoxo

  5. Positivagirl,

    I am always thinking of you. You’ve endured a lot and you are on top, shining! I’ve been with you since you started. It’s tough when you’re gone but I so completely understand and want you happy and healthy.

    I was stabbed in the heart and back. It’s hurting less little by little. A background check exposed that he never lived in his parents basement. He lives with another woman. ONE YEAR and I never knew this! Ouch! Living an hour away these socios can pull a lot of wool over our eyes. He actually lived in a town near his parents. Lol

    KARMA: a couple months ago his girlfriend/possibly wife, her house went into FORECLOSURE. He is homeless, roams place to place for a nights sleep here and there but no one wants him, can no longer shower, has no phone (It’s in my name, shut it off), no job, no money, no gas, no food, his ENTIRE FAMILY ABANDONED him. ALL of them. They are sick of his manipulation too.

    The betrayal KILLS me. I was so good to him. So honest and open. However now someone else in my future will enjoy that about me. I’m still honest, caring, loving, nurturing etc. He can’t steal my soul. Theses socios are ultimately powerless. We will all survive. Amen!! 🙂

    1. Wow bunny, that must have been shocking to find out the truth about what he had been up to. How he hid that from you for all of that time?

      Karma…. it does come…. the question is if he would ever learn from it….. is his choice. He doesn’t have to be that way, just because his brain is that way, he doesn’t have to live his life in that way, perhaps hitting bottom will force his change, but who knows?

      You are so right, someone else in your future will deserve you. As you deserve this, but most importantly you deserve yourself!!

      1. I think they can learn to manage their behaviour If it’s in their interests a lot talk about keeping to a code of conduct. But they would need to see a reason for this. Often they find it easier to just move onto someone else. A lot have no insight. See no need to change, or that they are superior to other people.

      2. I do not understand how he got away with staying out OVERNIGHT with me. Every weekend for a year. How did he pull this off with the woman he LIVED with? Pretending with me that his parents basement apartment was his. How would I NOT believe he lived there? He is an abomination. I literally CANNOT REGISTER something this deeply deceptive. I just can’t.

      3. You are absolutely right. I have been separated from mine going on 2 years now, and my mind still cannot understand nor process the deception. I know the person he created (mirrored) doesn’t exist but I still long for that person every day even though I know that he doesn’t exist. Because he DID exist and that person is still physically there. But it is not the person I want. It makes me nuts going in this circle I cannot get out of.

      4. Lying is their inherent nature as they achieve what they want always, without conscience & always an agenda….easy to lie with no remorse & that’s why they never change, they don’t need to as they get what they want via the lie’s….it’s all fakery & imagery…& on the show goes with the main actor & the bit players 🙂 ……more a Razzies award than an Oscar!

      5. @ PR about the lying. So true, and after you recognize what they are, you do get to decide whether to participate on their show. When you realize all their excuses are designed to serve their idiosyncratic whims, and that you are replaceable to them, participation seems pointless and an insult. There’s no motivation to change where you’re willing to continue accepting their arbitrary double-standard rules.

      6. Jusa, I just read this comment

        Vaknin, speaking as a narcissist proclaims, “Self-love is a precondition for the experience and expression of mature love. One cannot truly love someone else if one does not first love one’s True Self. If we had never loved ourselves – we had never experienced unconditional love and, therefore, we do not know how to love.”

        Lying is easy for them & they like easy rather than the truth as it appears harder for them….me, I would rather tell the truth & be done with it but, that’s why we are us & they are left to wander the labyrinth of their lies!

        Love You Jusa 🙂
        PR xoxo

    2. Thanks for following my blog for so long. It has been so tough, the legal case constantly shook my world upside down. With this now being removed from my life, I can actually finally do what i enjoy doing. Hopefully can get back to writing more.

      Betrayal…. it is the worst and most painful feeling in the world I think. The one that is the most difficult to overcome.

      1. I am right there with you lost2camelot. I have the exact same thoughts and emotions that you have expressed. And, for me also it has been almost 2 years since my world was completely ripped apart by a textbook charismatic sociopath. If it weren’t for this amazing, insightful blog, I am quite certain that I would have broken my almost 1 year of NC many times over. I still crave answers from the Man that as POS so eloquently tells us is not the one to answer those questions.

        I hope that someday soon I can go even a half of a day without thinking about what happened to me. I hope that someday soon a week will go by and I don’t have the desire to text him. How crazy is it – to want to communicate with someone who manipulated, gaslighted, mirrored, lied, deceived and when the truths came to light discarded me like yesterday’s trash!

        Thank you from the bottom of my heart, POS ~ this blog helps so many of us in more ways than you will ever know. I am so grateful.
        Wishing you all the best,

      2. Hi Mimi;

        I know that I want, need, desire, or as you put it, crave, contact from the fake that was created for my benefit. I dream of his touch, hear him whisper to me in my sleep and then wake with a start to realize I am actually alone. He created the perfect mate for me based on all the information he so skillfully obtained directly from me and it is so bloody difficult to know the truth and what I have to do when my damn emotions can’t be brought under control no matter how hard I try. Mind you, I am a full-time student, I get up every day and work full-time as well, but I am emotionally bankrupt, trust no one, and while I am lonely I don’t want to be close to anyone.

        The hardest part is reconciling that my perfect man never existed. He was a fantasy that was my reality for a while. It is such a mind-****. I’ve seen it compared to emotional rape and it makes me feel horrible to know that victims of physical rape not only go through this emotional torture, but have to deal with the legal system as well. Our rapist committed no legal crime – only one of the heart, soul, & moral code that the rest of us depend on to be universal.

        I am proud that I have been able to remain NC since last November. It has been hard. Even now, I thought about copying what I am writing to you, putting it in an email, and sending it to him to let him know how badly he has damaged me – yet I know I can’t because even if I did and he contacted me, it would be nothing but more lies.

        But I am beginning to see I have to do what I need to do for me, and I can’t continue living to make other people happy. First step is moving from our home town – I am hopeful that by not being in all the places where we used to be as a couple, his ever-present shadow will be gone and that will be the first step towards finally getting him out of my head.

        I hope that each person here is able to find the things they need to do in order to get the demon out of their head and out of their lives once and for all. No one deserves this.

        =) L2C

  6. Nikki, thanks so much for your continuing endeavors for this community! I have had a rough few weeks myself, I think I posted a few weeks ago on another thread, it’s all a blur. But, I had wondered why there had been no new comments or threads and was so happy to see everyone back today! These are excellent points, as usual. The great thing is, you have the professional background and experiences with that give these real meaning. It is real easy for family and friends to make vague suggestions, but most just don’t understand the magnitude of how these people manipulate.

    Ironically, I finally saw the “Dr Phil” episode on catfishing you mentioned awhile back in your thread about! I watched as you said how his tactics were demeaning and made the abused woman feel worse! I agree- but I never watched him much, even when his show was new and highly promoted by Ophrah Winfrey ( that was his big break). I just found him too arrogant and blow-hardish. He gives good advice sometimes and I think Oprah used him in good situations to help people but time and ratings have gone to his head. Definitely not a good strategy with abuses of this sort!

    Congratulations on getting through the legal stuff and thanks again to you and everyone on here for the continued investigation of these issues that haunt all of us! This cyber connection is in so many ways my only hope for therapy and it has helped me immensely, thankyou!
    Edaldude

      1. Nope not a peep. I have talked to a couple of others on match,com and they said similar pleas for funds had come their way, too! Lots of scammers on these and other social dating sites. A friend told me last night that he thinks if he hadn’t poo-pooed this guy from the start ( initially because of another reason) he thinks I would’ve fallen for the money scam. I don’t think so- I am pretty cheap and would balk at even giving a family member so much!
        I think it’s important to just put yourself out there, go with the flow but be yourself, and don’t give strangers any personal info about your business until you know them ( even then you shouldn’t be too forthcoming- I told my exspath WAY too much about myself and my family etc and then he turned it around on me to hurt me). If someone you barely know asks for an unreasonable amount of money, then shut them down. So sad there are so many takers on this Earth.

        You know I was actually excited about coming to England to meet you someday! Thought this scammer guy was going to whisk me off and I’d be in your neck of woods! LOL- oh well. I still vote for the Hawaii broken hearts club meeting! Cheers!

      2. Aww well I am pleased you didn’t part with cash, that alarm bells were ringing that you listened to. Sounds like you also have some good friends looking out for your interests. Ah yes, Hawaii sounds like an exotic place from here in the UK.

  7. Hi Pos,
    . Happy to hear from you, everything worked out in your favor I presume. Good for you. God takes care of honest people. This is a terrific post it brought me back to last yr. when he betrayed me with my neighbor. Yes its very hard to overcome I was stuck in a tailspin. I found pic in his oohone a few weeks back, she’s about 7 months or so, he kept saying he wanted a baby, it never sounded right, then I remembered reading a post you wrote which said they tell lies with specs of truth, so I felt betrayed again and he’s not even around, he belongs in jail anyway. The moral to this saga is you shall overcome this to. They are all dirty bastards in my opinion. In happy for you!! Great post Pos. Hiya Phoenix, lol. Love and peace 😊 💜

  8. Hi Pos;

    Welcome back. You were missed.

    It sounds so easy to move forward when you read it, but it is so very hard in practical application. There isn’t a day that passes that I am not thinking of him – not the real him, but the fake one. Be it fake or not, there was a real, flesh and blood person that I was more in love with than anyone I have ever known, and I am just not able to get that out of my mind. I just can’t seem to merge the two personalities into the one real person that he is.

    I have been NC since November of last year (remember the Thanksgiving Day Cook Book affair?? LOL) and I will remain so because I know it is the only way that I might get through this someday, but I just wish that I could have one day where I am not in some sort of emotional upheaval. It doesn’t help to open my email and there is something there, a friend request on LinkedIn, etc. He sends them to my parents and my friends and then denies he is doing it.

    I just wish i could find a way to erase him completely. It has been nearly two years since I left him, and I honestly do not want to think about him. It just happens. It is like he is lurking in the shadows just waiting for the right moment to make his presence known.

    Does anyone have any advice?

    Celeste

    1. Celeste – omg – I thought I was the only one who could be thinking and feeling exactly like you described after 2 years! I loved him so much and despite knowing that he was mirroring me and I virtually loved a man that doesn’t exist – I still daydream about when I was with him and how amazing I felt. Perhaps it takes some people longer than others to move on? I am worried that after this much time that I am stuck and maybe I will never heal. Maybe because I am older – mid 50’s , it is just too much to bear, heal and start over and I am giving up. I think I would have been more resilient if this had happened when I was younger.

      1. You can heal, Mimi. This is mind over matter. It really is like conquering addiction, the addiction being needing something outside yourself to make you feel like somebody. It’s a nasty habit, with many side effects. It is not something you need. You only think you do. My therapist says this is the crux of the issue because, change is not so easy… but it is within our power to do it. You can do it. I know you know he, the persona, is not all you needed anyway. He was a façade, an imitation. YOU are the real deal. Whatever need he was superficially supplying, you are already that in your own right. Believe it. Don’t let some hi-jacker or leech come along and fake offer you less than what you really are.

      2. A technique that helped me break the circular thought patterns was to deliberately break the thought chain by interjecting with “that is such a 2013 way of thinking” in my mind and then turning my attention to a small task at hand. I had to do that every few minutes in the early days but now just one or a few times a day.

        At present, I find it important to catch the chain early before any emotions associated with the memory come flooding back. The emotions once activated make it harder to turn away. From recent reading, it seems we have 90 seconds to deactivate the pulling of the emotion memory file linked to the data memory file so that emotions won’t activate. The two files are stored in different regions of the brain. Once pulled it is true that the old emotional state associated with the memory will become your current emotional state.

      3. Hi Mimi 🙂

        Gosh, I will be 51 this year & have no intention of stopping my growth because, of 10 years with a disordered mind gaming loopy loo 😉

        Don’t be a bystander in your life Mimi, it’s not over & you haven’t died, your just stuck.
        Stay & learn & share & get support & start reconnecting to yourself & your desires…you haven’t lost them they are still there 🙂

        I am going back to study & by the time I get a degree, I might be 100 but, who cares 😉
        Don’t let this experience define you, having a significant other is not as important as being significant to yourself. 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxo

  9. Thanks for this post. I was feeling very, very low today because of my cheating husband. I’m crying while I write this, but with your advice I know I will survive!

  10. The problem occurs when the sociopath tries to convince you that you are overreacting about the betrayal, thus making you feel—perhaps you are. If they made a clean break after the betrayal, you could deal with the pain, but when they stay, you begin to question. Although guarded, you continue the relationship. This stinks!

    1. Natalie, if you stay with a person that has hurt you over & over then, expect more of the same until you finally break the cycle of abuse.
      Self abuse is just as bad if you allow yourself to stay with a betrayer.
      Don’t keep betraying yourself, someone else has already done that for you & to you 😦

      Be safe & be free 🙂
      PR xoxo

  11. Hi Pos 🙂

    Firstly, welcome back & please know how proud we are of you 🙂

    Ah, Betrayal is most definitely the lowest form of abuse as, it has been done by someone that we give our trust to.
    We are taught from the very beginning of our life to trust those that care for us & love us so, it is natural to give our ‘power’ over readily to someone that ‘appears to have our back’, someone that has gained our trust.
    If someone told me 12 months ago that I would be grateful, I would have died literally but, I have journeyed along way from where I was.
    Why am I grateful?
    My experience shook me to my very core.
    It made me review my entire life & those I choose to share it with.
    I saw myself stripped bare & naked & unprotected by those I had given my ‘power’ too. Yes, I gave my ‘power’ away because I never knew I had it! I never valued myself, maybe it’s inherent or learned but, rest assured if you have great self awareness, you will less likely succumb to someone treating you less than you deserve.
    The perpetrator as, I choose to call my Soc, chipped away & eroded every value that I thought I owned. It was protracted & precise, cunning & very stealth like. The more trusting you are, the better prey you become.
    I am grateful for this experience because, it took me to the highest level of awareness that I would ever achieve. Death & dying will always make you more appreciative of the fragility of life but, betrayal makes you look at yourself. You put yourself & your motivations & your whole life under a microscope. You need to do this so, that you can protect yourself from future violations as, they will come again.
    I feel more ‘in charge’ of my life & won’t give my ‘power’ away ever again as I will remain self aware & self reliant & self possessed.
    I will ‘trust’ again but, with awareness.
    I will ‘love’ again but, with awareness.
    I will continue to live ‘wholehearted’ but, with awareness.
    I will be ‘safe’ because I value myself & my beliefs & I will let the universe take care of me as, what get to choose to give out & to whom & what.
    I will receive back what I give & support myself fully.
    I choose forgiveness & I choose myself 🙂
    I will not accept the unacceptable or inconsistencies in general.
    I wish everyone here this awareness & knowledge because, that is the ‘gift’ that the Soc leaves you with & even though, we could all do without the experience, we need the ‘gift of ourselves’.
    Keep giving back to yourself & stay in your own ‘power’, your worth it.
    Thank you Soc for proving that when Evil leaves the scene, love & empathy, compassion & honesty arrive to save the day 🙂

    Love & Light 🙂
    PR xoxo

      1. Hi Pos & Jusa & everyone here 🙂

        I read this & thought WOW!

        ‘You will find the cure when you come to terms with the cause!’

        This just nailed it for me 🙂

        Love PR xoxo

    1. Well put. I believe the journey is with ourselves as well, that the sociopath is an instrument. Well, you can refer to him as a “tool” if you want. lol

  12. PR THANK U FOR THOSE INCREDIBLE WORDS! It has been 6 yes since I met mine. We were married 2 yrs. been trying to divorce for 4 long and painful years. No contact / just through lawyers. This blog helps me survive when I don’t think I can do it anymore. I was really low all weekend. These words helped. The court battle just rages on and on and it hurts. If is hard to heal when my wounds are ripped open every day

    1. Hi A Friend,

      I am so sorry to hear your are struggling & having to face the onslaught of the Socio must be a nightmare &, I cannot imagine the hell you go through 😦 😦
      Please remain focused on your self & do affirmations every morning & write them on your hand or have something you can hold to buoy your spirits.
      It will pass & you know that.
      Try & remember times in your life that you have already overcome & hold that inner strength to survive & guide you once again.
      You are not alone in the greater scheme of things, we are all enduring battles but, knowing that someone else out there is trying so hard to go on makes me do the same so, have faith in yourself & trust in the knowledge that we are out here & you are in our thoughts & prayers.

      Desiderata My Dear Friend, you can do this I know you can 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

  13. Hi Pos,

    I am writing this here as I’m not sure where to put it but, it is in regards to ‘cognitive dissonance’ & my interpretation of what it means.

    Okay, here goes & please understand, I am not a psychologist or Dr of anything, just a person with a viewpoint 🙂

    Cognitive dissonance to me is when a contradiction of events or behaviour takes place. Someone says one thing then acts totally different, like Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde.
    When it happens in your relationship, this then causes you to question the behaviour & try & rationalise it & reconcile it within your own mind as to how a person you love & trust can act one way initially & then another subsequently. This can happen during the relationship frequently or when the relationship is in the demise or discard stage.
    The perpetrator of the contradictory behaviour cannot be reasoned with nor take responsibility for their behaviour even when faced with it factually. They completely deny the incident/behaviour & shift the blame leaving the other person completely confused & bewildered.
    As emotions kick in for the injured party, the perpetrator then gets the upper hand & either dismisses the behaviour totally or totally dismisses the other person with no conclusion, explanation or consideration.
    This contradictory behaviour, i.e. acting one way to gain love & trust & then undermining it leads to the feeling of betrayal & disillusion which, I call ‘cognitive dissonance’. The inability to rationalise your loved ones ‘turn’ or ‘split’ from once apparent friend to foe or lover to hater.
    The perpetrator seemingly can interchange this behaviour as suits at will until you are ruined or left in the fog. Then you are left trying to work out your doubt & self doubt whilst also trying to maintain your equilibrium.
    Life is never straight forward & I found the gaming usually took place when other emotional scenario’s (like death etc…) were happening in my life. Very cruel & sadistic timing!

    I hope this makes sense as that’s what it means to me 🙂
    PR xoxo

    1. I don’t know what the term is myself, but this is a great definition of their behavior. It seems very clear when you put it in black and white too, but it can be very subtle. They can be very patient and conduct this in a step process. Separate subject but, I honestly am not sure they are smart enough to be that calculated, but think it may be more of a consequence of their narcissistic tendencies, as in, “I don’t WANT to do this right now, I WANT to do that. And since YOU want me to do this, I just won’t because I’M in charge,” much like a child. Same with the inability to apologize, take ownership of their own behaviors, and the reason for the double standard that exists. They expect you to stick to your part of the agreement, but don’t even see where they haven’t met theirs.

      1. Hi Jusa 🙂

        I think your right & they think on ‘the fly’ but, I think my guy was just a ‘tad’ higher on the scale of manipulation etc…he does it at work & is very patient & conniving…it’s all, ‘what can you do for me, how can I benefit from you or this situation’ etc…remember, mine is now living with a Dr of Sociology…studies human behavior so, who better to learn from as, to how to be a better human 😉

        On a side note…I exchanged an email with the OW ( I am grateful to her for setting me free)….we talked about his poor eating habits & sloth like behavior, we had a real chuckle over him & his ‘sloth’ like tendencies etc…very enlightening & funny 😉

        I have not had contact with her since I sent my email to him & she got a copy as, that was my official ‘closure’ & I have left them to it….He can lick his plate & eat her leftovers. Gee, I guess she won the ‘booby prize’ 😉
        I am glad he ‘chose’ her over me, I really truly am 🙂

        Love & Light 🙂
        PR xoxox

      2. Jusa, they never see their part of the agreement as,they don’t commit to one but, will speak our language but, not actually understand it.
        It’s socio-speak for, I will say this to achieve that etc…outcomes for their benefit only, not yours.
        They don’t have the ability to self reflect, just project to get what they want.
        Anything ‘deeper’ is not in their interests as they are basically shallow.
        They need us to give them credibility & entertainment & feed their fragile ego.
        They have no concept of their ‘true self’ as we do so, they look for it outside of themselves. Whereas, we look within & try to understand ourselves & our motivations & what makes us ‘tick’. They like to work out what makes us tick & use that but, they will never truly figure us out because, that takes knowledge of yourself first!
        Perhaps if they self-reflect, they self-destruct so, they won’t do that level of work…They are basically too lazy so, take the easy route & recycle people & events over & over but, never grow internally.

        PR xoxo

  14. I haven’t been on here lately…I with a man that I truly believe is a sic for 2 1/2 years and been out of the relationship for 7 months which doesn’t feel like it since I seem to think about him daily. I had gone three months without any contact but a couple of weeks ago I responded yo an email and there I went next thing I am having coffee with him, listening to how sorry he is and how much he misses me and I am the women that he loves, I kept reminding him that he is living with the women he was having an affair with, but that didn’t seem to matter to him, he would tell me that she means nothing that he only thinks of me. I don’t know why but I enjoyed seeing him, and realized how much I missed him, and wanted to believe what he was saying. A couple weeks went by and he would call and we talk. I kept telling myself be careful but my head and heart were in two completely different places. Yesterday he showed up at my home and we ended up having some amazing sex, it felt like he was a different man, very much more present and passionate. When he left I felt horrible and couldn’t believe that I know put myself as the other women, I called him and he was busy, as the day went I felt even more terrible realized that this is not what I want and need to stay away from him. I know I rid this to myself and have to deal with the emotional consequences and I will. I feel so alone and ashame, I font want to tell any of my friends because they won’t understand. I don’t understand how can I be so dumb and allow this man into my life… I am trying to feel better so I came onto this site which has helped in the past, I just wished I wouldn’t of broken the No contact rule….thanks for all the support we have here, I am truly grateful.

    1. Hiya Cmarie 🙂

      Don’t beat yourself up for being ‘normal’ & breaking ‘no contact’, it’s so hard but, you know that you really only end up hurting yourself & you must work out why you want to punish yourself further?
      You know what your dealing with & breaking your own heart will only do further damage to yourself.
      Pick yourself up & start again, No Contact ever if you truly wish to heal & reach the level of awareness you so richly deserve.
      It’s up to to you to be your own hero & I think you just need to ‘get back onto the horse’….& try again 🙂
      You’ve had the ‘horses ass’ so, try the horses head instead….Horses are smart animals so, train yourself into running free & shake that mane & be proud of yourself…you owe yourself YOU 🙂

      Love & Light 🙂
      PR xoxo

    2. I’m sorry Cmarie! Reading your story made me think …oh yes I’d end up in the same place if I didn’t delete his texting! Forgive yourself and carry on!! ♥

  15. This is what I told a friend of mine lately – it’s not the rejection by him that hurt the most, it was the betrayal that was the worst. Especially since I was the ONLY person who had his back, and the fact that he was sneaking around, screwing other people, pursuing other “romantic” opportunities – what a slap in the face. What I have realized that it’s not a reflection on my character, but rather a very poor reflection on his.

    And what’s really funny (as in bizarre), is that a year after he married the woman he was cheating on my with, he has started to text me, call me, and creep my LinkedIn profile. Loser. Of course I’m no contact with him, but if he comes to my door, I’ll have no choice but to file a complaint with the police. Thankfully, he already has a poor history with them, so it will not bode well for him. Not my problem, however.

  16. I know about betrayal and deceit. Unfortunately this has happened in my life. The worst part about it was with someone I lived with. He invaded my life which was none of his business. He was going by a lot of things he knew nothing about and used my family to suit his own cause. He is a horrible person. Stole emails of a personal nature. Worked both sides of the coin to appear good. Made out he was my families saviour and mine without me knowing and it was so far from the truth. He has destroyed my life to the point that I don’t feel how I use to. I feel different. I feel my inner core has been sucked out. I am finding a way to heal from what this person has done. I make the most of everyday and do what I can to feel better about myself. I don’t tell people anymore how I feel as they just don’t understand. I keep things close to my chest.
    I love my children dearly and would never want them exposed to him – EVER. He used my family to his own benefit to hide who he is. Made out he was helping a situation when he wasn’t at all. I was fortunate to have had someone contact me of an anonymous nature. I was told I am a good person and I was happy to hear this. I know what was happening to me to be true and to know there is someone is quite comforting but it has done nothing but leave me feeling sad that my family would believe this person. Treat me like I was insane and had others treat me so rudely it just wasn’t fair. I have been aware that my family of which I love dearly – unfortunately have disappointed me ( just some of them not including my children) to such an extent that they believed this person above me. I had issues with things but this was used against me too. Tried to create a lot of disharmony by aiding in blocking me from help or support of any nature, also treating me like I didn’t know what is going on and making me appear the disordered one. Information has been switched within my family which is probably not true most of it. Saying they don’t talk to one another but they do.
    But they believe the one that can tell dirt on you when it really isn’t who you are but they are portraying you to be – to cause friction and disharmony. He really is someone I never knew. He gathered information slowly from day one with an intention. To create confusion and have others in on it also…. They have no idea to the extent of how their actions have aided in my lack of motivation and low self esteem some days and it is a struggle but I don’t show it. I move on and try to be as positive as I possibly can. They were never on this end of the stick. Never had everyone against them. Using a families situation from years ago and making a story about me that isn’t true when I was supporting especially one female as I did with everyone and I was only a teenager. What happened in my family to one particular person they have done back to me from totally false information. It’s bullying and something I would never do to anyone. Up until only a few days ago I was contacted. Trying to get me to talk and even about my own child and others. Baiting me and questioning me. Just horrible in nature and nothing else better to do but trying to pin things on me and making me out to be a person I am just not. I have done nothing but try to get along in my life and have some peace and harmony but instead of working together he involved himself to suit his own cause which resulted in me going no contact at one point.. As this post states they do exactly this – Falsely accusing you, Gossiping about you, Sharing private information that you have shared.
    As I was told this behaviour doesn’t define who I am but it definitely defines who he is. He preys on the goodness of others and used this for his own intentions.

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