Sociopaths almost always turn back up….. how a readers ex tracked her down to this site. His comments (with permission) and my response.

Sometimes, if i had not been here, as often as I would have liked, I would come back to the site, with a lot of comments to go through. There were a few particular comments recently that were aimed at a reader. This person (the ex) had tracked her down to this site, and had found her comments.

Whether this was found by hacking her email, or by intense snooping and stalking, I do not know. The comments were written in May 2014, the reader had not heard from her ex since October 2013. He had moved on and in with someone new.

I wrote to the reader to warn that I think it was her ex who had found her at the site, and to warn her to tighten up her passwords etc, if necessary. I also sent the comments to her and asked if I could have permission to write this post. As I do think that there will be many of you, who would have heard identical words.

Bear in mind – that this person had not heard from their ex at all since Oct 2013…. he had moved on and moved in with someone new. Yet he went to great lengths to track her down.

Sociopaths HATE losing control – the reader had moved away and moved on with her life. He doesn’t know where she is. I hope that I write this with sensitivity, and that if the ex is still reading this site – she doesn’t post here anymore. What I am about to write, needs to be said because

  • You all say the same thing
  • Your patterns repeat
  • We could have all dated the same person
  • I can guarantee – that there will be more than just me – that these comments could have been written to. As you clearly cannot take responsibility and see what you have done wrong, and that it is all someone else’s fault. I am going to respond to your comments (that have not been published before), of what I think you are REALLY saying – behind your flowery language.

Here goes…. never before published (some identifying details have been changed for protection of identity)

Wow, I was ur husband and maybe u should tell the truth about how u cheated when u went to work and I have u know she still has here house and car iv taken nothin from her as I didnt u I paid u and u couldnt even face me in court my life is great now im in a much better place mentally and financially ur right my family accepted her as hers did me she doesnt make problems for people and families like u did, im vlad to have my friends my family my integrity and a smile on my face just knowin u didnt destroy me like I told u u wouldnt even ur frien say ur crazy I did love u carly and would still b with u if u hadnt tried to do what u did to me, I dont know where u r nor do I care like I told u before I dow

What this is really saying 

How dare you tell the truth about me?

I was your husband (therefore I owned you)

You are a liar

The person I am with now – still has her car and house – (I haven’t taken it YET) – so this further proves you are a liar – I have taken nothing from her (yet) – (so this proves that I hadn’t from you).

You have THAT allegation wrong, therefore what else you say is wrong (trying to disprove the credibility of the reader and isolate her from support)

I paid you, and you couldn’t even face me in court (She had taken him to court to get money back he owed her, he offered to pay a lesser amount to what she was owed, and she just took that rather than drag it out and go through court with him) 

I am great now, and am in a much better place financially and mentally (it was being with you, that brought my financial problems and made me act the way that I did, this is all your fault) I am so great and so happy…… I am looking for you online 🙂 🙂 🙂 

My family accepted her, as hers did mine – (there are issues within my family and I am desperately searching for a way to resolve this within myself) – (now I am lying again to you, to make you think, that the reason that there were issues before, was because of YOU not ME)…

She doesn’t make problems for families and people like you did (how dare you tell people about me) – This is all YOUR fault.

I am glad to have my Friends, family, Integrity (I laughed out loud at this one) and a smile on my face…. (you are smiling so much and life is so amazing and fabulous you are tracking down your ex online)

You didn’t destroy me like I told you you wouldn’t (this is why months later I have found you online and have written to tell you how happy I now am) – I am not happy at all, and I never will be. But I want YOU to believe I am very happy. Therefore this is YOUR fault.

Even your friends say you are crazy (now trying to give the impression that her friends are betraying her and talking behind her back – the truth is more likely he doesn’t even know where she is, he likely hasn’t spoken to her friends, this is a lie…. designed to make her feel bad about herself. Sociopaths often say ‘everyone says’…. ) Yeah sure!!

And now for the real humdinger…. 🙂 🙂

I STILL LOVE YOU – AND IF YOU HADN’T DONE WHAT YOU DID, I WOULD STILL BE WITH YOU! (it’s all YOUR fault), the reader told me she is happy, rebuilding her life, and moving on with her life. She wasn’t thinking  about him at all….. while he… was making efforts to find HER



He posted the comment….. but then must have realised that his comment hadn’t gone through it wasn’t authorised (and still isn’t). So he wrote another further comment. Which just displays that his emotional maturity is that of a 12 year old girl. 

U cant even tell the truth about ur name do u even know what it is or how its spelled, its (name changed by me) Karly  with a K not Carly tell the truth for once in ur life these people dont know u and theres not even a reason to lie to them,,

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

This was the best that he could come up with as a final response. Like a child… he had to have one final rant. Just to prove, that you are the liar, I am the person telling the truth.

This is how they operate. I can guarantee that I won’t be the only person that could have received this in an email or text. Or even a comment online. What he is trying to do (and often, unless the victim gets support, this can be effective) is to:

  • Discredit the victim
  • Blame the victim
  • Pretend that his new life is very happy (and hopes yours is miserable)
  • Is goading for a response, or a reaction – in fact ANYTHING rather than being ignored
  • Tries to isolate the victim from current support
  • Is continuing to lie, and paint the victim as a liar – and…. here is the PROOF (you changed your name)…. see???

Ugh, honestly. They act and operate like children when they cannot get their own way. For someone who is still in the hearts and flowers and rose coloured specs, and still ‘in love’… this can be effective. The victim protests their innocence and how it ‘wasn’t really like that’, this just gives further emotional energy to them,so that the cycle can continue.

If you have been lured back in, read this – does it make sense to you? Have you received a letter/text/email just like this one, of similar content? If you have, know that this is about only two things

  • The need to be in control
  • The need to win

Nothing else. If the victim did respond, the other party might have played the game for a little bit more – or completely rejected her, just because he could or to punish her, to teach her a lesson for speaking out about him.

They hate being discovered, and they hate losing control. In this readers case, she had gone to great lengths to get right away from him. Moving away, hiding her identity, everything that she could do.

I guess he hated that….

What are your thoughts? Have you experienced similar correspondence? I know that I have….. just to show you how they all repeat the same thing. Often they boomerang back (if they can).



251 thoughts on “Sociopaths almost always turn back up….. how a readers ex tracked her down to this site. His comments (with permission) and my response.”

  1. I received similar comments a couple of years ago when things ended up with my ex. We had been off and on for 20 years, married at one point and have a couple of kids together. When I told him not to threaten me, he told me that he wasn’t stupid enough to put threats into a text message and that “if” he were going to threaten me he would tell me that he wanted to stab me in my lungs and watch me choke on it or something as they filled w/blood. That was the last night we lived in the same apartment and he slept on the couch with a knife on the table by him. I moved out with my kids the next day. I went over 2 years without seeing him after that. He said a lot of really screwed up things to me after I moved. He moved in with another ex of his right away, married her a couple of months later. He use to tell me that he woke up happy with a smile on his face and a blow job every morning and I was going to be alone forever because of the type of person he was. He was seeing her of course while we were still together and had been talking to her about us, making fun of me in a sense about trips we would take or things I would do for him. He never even told our children he was getting married. He told them a couple of weeks later even though they were both posting things on facebook all the time about their love and marriage so my oldest son saw everything. Our kids our getting older. I just had to see him at graduation recently. And even after a couple of years, he is now saying that he misses our friendship, wants me back in his life (just as a friend of course because that is how he always starts). I have responded to text messages after seeing him recently and remember now why no contact was the way to go. I did a lot of healing over the last couple of years and have really felt in a better place. I am still alone, but that is ok. It took me awhile to heal myself and I would not have been in a good place for a relationship anyways. Sometimes I hear that voice of his in the back of my mind but I had gotten a lot better at ignoring it. And then it seems with just a little contact, it can put me right back in that head space again. How is it that, after all of the pain and the lies, it can just put you back into doubting yourself, wondering what happened. I have repeatedly said that we cannot have this friendship anymore. That there is no value to a friendship with someone who would do those things and he just says he will not give up, he does not accept that. I know it is useless to argue, yet I couldn’t seem to stop myself. For the past 2 years, I thought he was “happy” with his wife and kids. He has not even been an active parent with our two but plays daddy of the year to her daughter (who is not biologically his) and then another child he had with someone else in between. He even had her daughter’s name and I believe his wife’s name or initials tattooed on his body. And still…he comes back. I am not sure if it is because our oldest son graduated and he is feeling that control slip through his fingers. Our youngest son has chosen not to see him anymore and he graduates next year. This site has helped me so much, even if I have not posted much. I guess I just came back to this post because it does seem like they always come back. I honestly felt it was done this time, the discard was different than ever before and really mean and horrible. But he still comes back…and I just needed the reminder of why I can no longer have contact with him. Back to square one I guess although with a stronger start this time. I did not have the anxiety I used to have this time. My mind has gone to a darker place than I would like, but my physical reactions are different, I guess that is a start. Thank you positivagirl for all of your posts, help and support and to everyone else who shares their stories. Sometimes just having a listening ear and someone who really understands what this is like, is more help than we could ever imagine. A place to get it all out! People who have not gone through this just cannot understand the same.

  2. The way this guy talks/writes exactly like my estranged husband ( joe Mendez) . It is strange to read the SAME way of writing my Narc/sociopath does…. as this ladies ex.
    So scary that I will need an anxiety pill tonight

    1. I know, I am sorry that it caused you anxiety. I recognise socio’s as I often think that it IS MY ex writing here, so I check the IP address. It is that convincing, they are so similar.

      1. Positivagirl:
        It isn’t your fault. I am thankful for the comment though.
        It is just being in hiding is so nerve racking, I look over my shoulder EVERY DAY, I constantly look in my side and rear view mirrors to see if any of his “associates” are following me…It is a wonder I haven’t gotten into a wreck.
        How do you check an IP Address? (just a thought)
        when I am ready I will tell my story…..and I hope you are all still here to share , comment and strengthen our bond in here.

      2. Hi tm here is a link to finding it for you.

        I am reading all these comments and are so grateful to each and everyone of you. I nod my head in agreement and thank my lucky stars that I am no longer involved in the toxic relationship that I was in for six years. It is interesting how some of these people go back to their ex’s… mine went back to an old flame he knew from his High School days and it is my hope that she will eventually work him out (she is a lawyer) and wake up to his baffoonery. I know that we are all strong people and its our strength that often provokes these idiots to pry on us. We all have so much in common, or at least I see a common thread within each of us that helps bind us together and where sites like this are invaluable to us and our healing. I know that time is a great healer and just knowing that there is someone else out there that has gone through the pain and suffering like I have means so much to me. Thank you all as I know that this page has certainly helped me in many ways than one. 🙂

      3. I wonder what he will do to her career (the lawyer) Kiwigal? As they can’t help but be destructive. Succcessful people are good catch as they can threaten them if they don’t do what they want, or threaten to leave them…. ugh.

      4. Wow, my Ex after I have ignored him for three months, has been sending me the exact same thing, “how happy he is with his new woman and new job, how he’s quit drinking and smoking, and that this woman gave him the chance that I never gave him, and that he loves me so much but I just didn’t trust him enough like she does. He says all the same things, and his new woman has no clue yet, that he will have his hand in several cookie jars at once (men and women), she will soon see his rage and suffocation. He even still continues to tell me of the low life drug addict women in his neighborhood that he cheated on me with and how he’s finally found the right woman now, then following up always with “I love you so much and always will, and it’s too bad we couldn’t make things work, it’s all so sad” yes I get in my feelings sometimes, but then I remember how he threatened to kill my kids and how he cheated on me with several men and women of the lowest caliber. How he sucked me dry of everything, money, time, energy, sanity, physical strength, emotions etc… It’s like he had a voodoo spell over me, and I lost a few best friends when I was with him. I am such an innocent empathic person I thought live could heal his childhood wounds, but the abuse never let up, and I still miss the good timeS, it’s so hard to wrap my head around the fact that my best friend and lover was one in the same with the grimiest, nastiest, sadistic person I’ve ever come across…

    2. Lmao …they are all the same…i received a letter of his undieing love…i would never reply …they are crazy..dangerous I am focused…they love no-one …I was told he will never love again…I was so pleased with this website…it helped me never respond ..
      It’s a form of control and it’s power to not respond…

  3. Just finishing all my phone calls(from a throwaway cell) /Divorce with Legal Aid/ contacted all my creditors( change of address-pobox somewhere else)/filled out ppwrk for address confidentiality/keeping in contact with BOTH Prosecutor offices one in the old state and one where I am currently in hiding
    I am soooo exhausted from this. thinking of taking up YOGA?
    Any other suggestions would be helpful if anyone has time.
    Hope everyone is doing well today:)

    1. Writing things down helps and this is a good place. Sharing with others what you know and what you have been through. Up until the time I was with the guy I was with for six years, there was little out there avaliable for me until I spotted Narcissism in a local paper and quietly said ‘Yes’ to myself when I read it so he did not know what I was doing. Educating yourself about these people is valuable too because it helps you to understand why you went through what you went through and how you can prevent it from happening in the long term. It depends too on what sort of personality disorder this person had too as they are all different and not all are sociopaths.. I would like to think that these things have got me through and also yes exercise but something that interests you or that you think you can stick at. I know that walking does it for me and if there were a pool around I would be swimming too.

      Anything that keeps you busy and occupied. I have taken up some of my hobbies again since my guy’s departure and its those things and the simple things that I treasure. I live alone and give myself that love now that I so heavilly poured into him. Its YOUR time now so make sure to do stuff for you and set boundaries too with people. If you do not want to do something don’t do it. Be true to yourself again as right now your poor soul is missing being taken care of and it needs you to come back so you can give it that love again. Its hard at first, or at least it was hard for me but once you get into it and it could be a year or so like I was. You will realise how much you really invested into that man could have also been invested in you. I actually have not sought another relationship either as I know I need to work on me first and then when the next person does come along I will not feel bitter about it and be in a stronger place than where I was before. Its been two and a bit years for me and I am still at odds at times but I know that time is a great healer and that we all can overcome this if we put ourselves first. Once we do that, we can then start to look towards more healthier fruitful relationships with others and whatever you do, make sure you continue to make yourself the main priority when you do meet someone special again. I will certainly be doing that. Good luck from here in Kiwiland 🙂

      1. Kiwigal007
        Just a thank you from the southwest (USA) . I am constantly impressed with the togetherness that is expressed in here. It is a nice change.
        I started to “walk” for my health this morning. I used to jog back in the day as I was a US NAVY combat medic. I missed being out in the morning air….so great to just be me today.
        I also applied for a job at the local Veterans Department as I also get benefits for being 60% disabled ( hurt in our last combat mission -Iraq and state side ). THAT is my only income: my NARC used me up every year, thinking I was stupid and did not stash any away or that I had no one in my family to help me.
        But all that aside I am NOT BROKEN. He used to tel me “I broke you.”
        Moving on …I have been in hiding for 1 month. I and my small dogs are well, I have transportation, and I am blessed to be able to attend the church of my choice.
        Thank you again and hope all is well with you.

      2. Good to hear that you are doing well and making steps to move forward with your life TM working can be good as it gives your life a purpose, keeps you occupied, leaving little time to think about them.

  4. positivagirl from my little bit of detective work, she isn’t practicising law at the moment and is choosing to be a Mum to her kids for a bit as she has a lot of money and is in a position where she probably wouldn’t need to work. My guess is the idiot I was with, really fell for her money more than her and its why I believe he was secretly seeing her while we were together, I could sense something was up in the months leading up to his departure. I wrote him an email a few months after we broke up and told him I thought he was a Narc??

    Within moments of him reading it (as I was briefly chatting to him on Gmail chat) I noticed that he had vanished into thin air and his name and contact details had been erased from my contacts list and address book and Skype. I know that he has not blocked me but I have been taken off… so maybe he has known all along what he is but played with my head for six years anyway?? Its really only in the last few months I am starting to erase the relationship from my mind. My head is so much clearer now than what it was two years ago. But and I say but I am concerned about him ‘coming back’ as they often do when their supply runs dry and also because we know mutual people between us. ugh!!! sigh!! grunt!! BLAH!! 😦

    1. He wouldn’t want you saying anything negative to his latest form of supply. So it is easier to cut you dead. Cut you out of his life, and then you cant interfere. I know its stupid. But likely he will turn back up again – they often do, with a glib random text…. like nothing happened. Ah I wrote that before I just wrote your last part. trust your instincts, they are right!!

      1. We need to catch up postivagirl drop me an email sometime when you are able. I know I have been thinking she will cotton on to him at some point and he may come back and say hi randomly to me when I least expect it, its within their natures to do so. I am so please that we are able to support one another through our journey’s. tm it my absolute pleasure to come and support you too, if you want to contact me, click on my avatar and say hello to me in my blog/blogs. I know its a real surreal experience to go through but my heart stopped dead when you mentioned Navy as that is what this guy does… eek! I am please that you have pets to take your mind of your idiot as I have a wee cat that visits me and I hope to get a pet once I have settled down again. I have just finished a degree I did at a distance and now that I have recently graduated I am now looking for a full time job. I will get a pet once I am settled and that way they will be settled also. Pets are so good therapy for us as is our faith. Good for you tm and I am sorry for your injuries that happened in Iraq. I wish I lived nearby to help you.

    1. NO DO NOT DO THIS!!! Do a search there are so many articles here, that explain why telling the other woman is a bad thing to do. It will only make you out to be crazy. It will only cement their bond, and make him look more desirable. It will only reinforce his lies. Telling her, could see her trapped for longer as he will use your actions to say that you still want him. What a great guy he is. He has already told her that you are crazy.

      1. @Tera, I know of our desire to expose the truth, maybe put his photo under the sociopath definition on Wikipedia. ..but the truth is that they already have made all was necessary to talk bad about his ex and how crazy she is. My Pinocchio (the real name of my sociopath) ex contact and warn me, but I was already brainwashed by him and can’t believe what she said. As he says “If I’m so bad, why she wants me back?” When my turn came he sends me intimates photos of her new victim just two days after getting out of my house…then he calls me to say “I really love you…” I went insane (that’s the way they want everything…a real chaos) and then put her on the phone saying that I was calling him. I get my strength don’t know from where and just said to her, “be careful you’ll be the next one” and yes, then I became the crazy one who doesn’t want to let him go. So please, forget about warNing her. Concentrate on your healing and remember, no contact.

      2. This is true. I remember being in that situation. Twice, actually no, three times. In all times I thought that they wanted him back, otherwise why were they going to so much effort? Surely they would be happy to be rid of him? Made me think that they were trying to split us up. And it did make our bond stronger!!

    2. Please listen to Positivagirl. You will definitely look “crazy” to the new supply and anyone else involved. ALSO, at the same time, contacting her could draw her even closer to him. She might think “oh this poor guy, what he went through with his crazy ex”. You may actually PROLONG their courtship. You help by NOT HELPING. Xx

      1. Absolutely Bunnyshy!! It will make him seem more of a catch than he actually is. That you are keen to win him back, which will verify the lies he has already told.

      2. @Positivagirl..just thinking…maybe you have the words to make the response novel to 50 shades…for me a novel made by someone who Met a sociopath that think he can change

      3. Ha!!! Yes …. I did, but it was worth a shot though NMI. Truth is, he did change quite a lot from the first year. But – I also changed. So our differences were huge. Seems like such a long time ago now that we were together. I don’t know maybe it was my background working with people. Truth is though, he did make change. From where he first was. Massive changes. But the core bones of psychopathy was always going to repeat. Even when he tried not to. But – I am glad that I tried 🙂 He changed in that 1. He got a job and kept that job and worked hard (before he was faking jobs) 2. He wasn’t as crazy as before 3. Our final ending back in January, was on good terms rather than the ruining and smear campaigns of before 4. I think he learned about himself and why he was like he was and therefore ‘tried’ to manage it. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not.

      4. He did change. He changed a lot. So why should I say he didn’t? To keep other people happy? His change was as much as he was capable of. Only thing is I changed too. I am proud of him, for how far he came. Instead of duping and conning he got a job and paid for himself. I am proud of him for managing to let go. I am proud of him for realising that we couldn’t go further and giving up the fight without animosity. I am proud that he got a place, and didn’t do the ruining and smear campaigns of before. I am proud that he learned about himself, and while not perfect, did try to manage his behaviour and be a better person. He couldn’t have tried harder to be honest. Really – that is the best that you can ask of anyone. That they try their best. Sadly, for me, it wasn’t enough, as I had changed radically too. I wasn’t that person I once was. I grew too strong for him. There is no way I was going to be controlled. By anyone. For that reason, it was never going to work. I stayed true to myself. I think in life, that is what is important. That you stay true to yourself. I am not bitter, I don’t regret the relationship that I was in either. I am grateful for it. It taught me a lot too. You know, at the end of the day – it didn’t change me. As at the end of it, I just went back to who I was before the trauma in Jan 2010 ever happened. And that – can only be a good thing.

      5. @Positiva, it is nice that you have been able to finish on good terms. To this day my ex contact me from time to time for all kind of reasons, “just to say Hi!”(really?) “how about we met? now we know what each one want and we can enjoy it”(all you want is to use me and I don’t know how I can enjoy it) and his favorite after my no response, “you will pay for everything you made to me, whore..stupid…fat…etc” (if I’m so bad, why you still trying to contact me) and at last “I’m sorry I only hope we can still be friends I’m happy and I don’t understand why you don’t answer me” (really?)
        I changed…a lot. I think I’m a better person now. And I’m grateful of the self respect lesson I learned…and the new vision now I have of a lot of things.

      6. Ha yes I hear you!! Maybe we ended on ‘good terms’ and with respect. As we were real with each other. He had read my blog, posts and comments, and had stalked me on other sites prior to me writing here. To hear other stories. Maybe, I guess that had an impact. Often they are like children, kicking off at their parents, wanting to hurt their parents as much as they ‘feel’ their parents are hurting them. That part was missing in their childhood. Making them feeling out of control, and with a perverse need of control of others, to stop them from feeling out of control. Yes we split, with thanks and respect for what we had given to the other.

      7. I went through that cycle (as prob you have) so many times over and over. I became emotionally mute to it. it didn’t affect me too much. I am more interested in the ‘why’ than the actions. But that is just me, maybe because of my work. If I reacted to everything negative from a client, I wouldn’t have been able to work. Diverse, difficult, challenging clients were my favourite people to work with. Often – there is more to a person than you see on the surface with the behaviour. I strongly believe this to be true. Over years I have seen change with people, who others thought could never change – they did – even if those changes were minor, there was change. This one, he wanted change. he did his best, the two before him, No change, and never will be. They don’t see that there is anything wrong with him. But then, they didn’t have someone writing a blog about them!!!

      8. @Positiva, that’s so true! At a moment I felt I was on a play or a movie that repeats the same scene over and over…I don’t know why but he over analyze everything, when at last I thought we reached an agreement. the next moment is back to step one. At first I was so in love that try to understand his thinking, but I was totally lost in a laberynth as on the myth of the Minotaur.

  5. YES!!! My favourite thought and saying was ‘this is like groundhog day’ …. over and over the same thing. I found this that I wrote in 2012 on a support forum that he found me on….I thought I was going to lose my mind. Same thing over and over. Ugh. Always two steps forward, three steps back.

    Boring repetitive behaviour
    Posted on 09/23/12, 06:36 pm
    Guy i was with, did the same thing over and over and over again. Just kept repeating like he was a robot who was stuck on a fault default. It went like this

    I have a job
    I start next week
    I get paid on xxx
    payment is delayed
    Payment is delayed
    payment is delayed
    payment is delayed
    there is no job
    I have no money

    he did this over and over and over again. I can understand when i was with him. But even after we split he did the same.

    Any idea why? As it achieved nothing at all. The last 3 months has been the same. We don’t live together. I didn’t expect or ask it of him.

    So why?

    It’s got to the point now, where I just get frustrated and annoyed. I asked him if he was just being deliberately irritating?

    Of all the bizzare behaviour – do you think it is because that was his ‘game’ with me – so that he will do it for as long as he can? Even though there is no outcome as I am not waiting for his money – so that makes no difference. What’s the point of it? What does it achieve?

    Is it because he thinks that this is a way to keep a connection to me? I cant figure it out at all. As I am now seeing him as dull, boring and repetitive. Like seeing someone who says the same joke over and over and its bringing that side out in me.

    We used to have fun, laugh. He was funny. Now – its just boring. Has anyone else experienced this repetitive behaviour where they act like a robot and do the same thing over and over again?

    Ha I once asked a LOT of questions too…… later on this site, I just wrote what I saw, often as it was happening. I was just describing it. 🙂

    1. @Positiva, you make me laugh, sometimes when I was with him I just look around, thinking if I am on some kind of tv show. A wrong wired robot…Let me say to you that I will give you your Honoris Causa Doctorate…you make a great research…and thank God you share it so we were able to give a name to all the insanity.

      1. It’s an interesting concept when you have two people. One is obviously aware as they write a blog about it. The other, is – well Sociopathic. Now you would think, that in those circumstances, what is the point of gas lighting, playing those games? As obviously I could see what he was doing. Often I would say ‘listen, don’t gas light me’…. even funnier at the end, he would say, ‘right that is it, I think we need to go no contact, it’s the only way’ 🙂 He knew all the terms. I would say them to him, and he would say ‘I don’t want to be analysed, I am not your sociopath project’ 🙂 🙂

        His motive was money. I didn’t particularly care too much about money. So I think he came back in 2014, for money from the legal case. How pissed was he the day it went into my account, I spent half of it on a campervan. Not even particularly because that was what I wanted. I just wanted it out of the way of him. As soon as the money came in, he changed. He stayed until that money was gone (only a few months but he managed to get a holiday, phone, and tablet, and a coat in those few months) . Then he moved out.


    2. Yes, my sociopath ex has repeated behaviours. He always intimidated any friends I had and scared them off. This would get especially bad on a two yearly cycle. Even though we have been divorced now for many years he still does this to any boyfriends I may have. He gets his ‘associates’ to do the dirty work so the police can’t catch him.

  6. @Positiva…control, a desire of control so great that as my ex said “I love you so much that I want to eat you.” I don’t understand a lot of things, but I’ll never understand how an intelligent person, repeat the same actions over and over again no matter if it is the same person or their new victim…Are they unable to learn from their experience? Are they unable to remember what they just said?

  7. Loss of control is right!! If their lives, new victims are so great… If we are such liars, etc then WHY THE NEED TO STALK and REWRITE HISTORY? Because the don’t like us speaking out. Ruins their delusions

  8. I’m scared. My sociopath ex boyfriend/boss lost his job (which he says he left and was only because of policy in HR). He blames me for this and says that I lied to get him fired. He says that I ruined his life and wrote a threatening and suicidal note and put it on my door in the middle of the night. I decided to call the police and now am trying to get help to protect me and my child. He lied about every aspect of his life including that people in his life died at a young age or in a tragic accident. Now that the police are involved, my biggest fear is that if they find him, he will only be provoked further and I will never get out of this situation. This article is eye opening but also terrifying. I thought I was doing the right thing and now I’m not so sure.

    1. @Violet,
      You have done the right thing. SP are experts on manipulation and in blaming others…they are never responsible for their wrong doing. Don’t let him take more control on you. The best for you!

  9. Thank you postivagirl. I am a new reader and have bookmarked your blog. I also was deceived, used, abused and then discarded by a sociopath.

    It upsets me knowing there’s so many male sociopaths in this world. It makes it hard for me to believe at times, that I’d ever find ‘the one’.

    I wish there was a way to know someone is a sociopath from the Beginning! Before falling for their sweet words and empty promises.

    I had felt and done so much for him. I had sacrificed more than just money and time on him. I gave him my heart. I sacrificed so much for him. I’d risked my honour and my reputation for him, because considering someone of his low status is a taboo in my community (he’s an ex criminal, he beat his ex in the past, he did time in jail, he was homeless , a thief , a ex drug dealer and pothead, and ontop of that he was/is emotionally and financially unstable. So it was/is an abomination for me to consider him for marriage YET I went against everyone, I went against my family, JUST TO consider him. )

    I had given him so many things yet he gave me nothing except lies and empty promises.

    The relationship lasted for ten months. But it felt like years. And he drained me. I felt like there was no point in living.

    I spent time and money travelling distances to seek therapy just to overcome this trauma.

    I am slowly getting better. I am slowly getting over him. It’s been nearly 4 months since I broke up with him, and I still have feelings for him even though he doesn’t deserve me or my love.
    But I am trying to climb out of the prison he kept me in. Emotionally.

    I am trying. I just feel so wasted now. I regret meeting him. I regret loving , trusting, giving, risking and doing so much for him. I bloody regret it every second!!

    I am thankful for this blog as it’s comforting to know I’m not alone in this struggle. This mess.

    I wish sociopaths never existed. I wish they stay away from genuinely good people. I wish sociopaths date each other and leave everyone else alone.

    Sociopaths are the scum of the earth!

    1. Hi Hali, thank you and welcome to the site. I understand about feeling that you were in prison, and he was your prison warden. Try to get professional help if you can also. This could help you to undo the mind fuckery that they do to your head. The brain washing, mental abuse, and mind control. Yes, indeed scum of the earth.

    2. I know what you mean and feel exactly like you do. I stopped my relationship with my former sociopath and have been feeling the worst I’ve ever felt. I had dealt with other ended relationships in the past but nothing like this. I wish I had known over a decade ago that these “monsters” exist. I always looked for the good in people, always known that no on is perfect, but this guy threw me for a loop. I am grateful for this site because I don’t feel as alone or isolated. I am aware that time will help but have to admit I’m on edge about future communication from my ex-spath and will avoid ever letting him back in my life. I will refer back to this site as often as I need to know to remind myself that I’m on a better track now, moving forward and enjoying what’s left of my life with those whom I trust 100% (true, sincere, honest (proven) friends.

  10. I have been away from my ex now for 9 months. I am scared of his return, but I hope that he doesn’t. Since I have been reading and educating myself on Sociopaths and Narcissist, I have found that my ex fits more into Sociopaths. Its been a hard thing to face that the person I so deeply loved and cared about was just using me the whole time. I have since recognized my strengths but getting away from him has helped me so much. I recognized that he was very close to his mother and not so much his other family members. My ex felt the need to call his mother about everything. I found out that he was cheating on me the whole time a year and a half. I got the red flags but ignored them. one of the hardest things for me was questioning myself on my judgement of men, “how could I fall for a liar, manipulator, cheater, cruel person”. I questioned so many things, “why one minute he wants me next to him and the next he doesn’t want to touch me”. He is still driving past my house sometimes and still the same person he was with me. I will only ever try to understand how these people can live like this and not feel terrible about there lives. My ex did admit to being emotionally messed up and that I deserved better than him. I just pray that one day he will change and become a good person and stop all this madness. Its really sad to know that these people cant stop being evil.

  11. Wow I just want To thank everyone for sharing their stories. Each and every story on here resembles my living hell on one way or another. Knowing I’m not crazy or alone has been very comforting. It really is perplexing how one person can cause so much hurt in our lives. I consider myself a pretty smart and successful woman; never saw this coming and now feel so stupid. Anyhow, good luck to everyone battling life after a sociopath and thank you for giving people like me a place to heal and learn.

  12. I am so happy I came across this article, I found out about it during my depression days and I was recovering from it.
    I used to constantly go back to my ex saying exactly what he wanted to hear to feed his ego.
    And after I let go and stopped contacting him, he messaged me today to say that he is showing everyone our messages because apparently he’s heard that I’ve been telling everyone about him cheating on me.
    What happened was, towards the end of our relationship, he swore to me he still loved me and would continue to act like a boyfriend but he had sex with another girl and then slept with me that I later got an STI from which I had to be hospitalised for.
    I told people about this to bring about awareness and he’s probably heard about it, now he’s trying to get back at me for no reason ugh. Exhausting.

  13. Hello all: The article Sociopaths almost always turn back up….. how a readers ex tracked her down to this site. His comments (with permission) and my response by Positivagirl was my story. I am here now to give you a updated version of things that have happen most recently and how it is true that the Sociopath always turn back up.
    I remained in NO Contact for over 3 years since the writing of the first article. My life was at peace and happy. The Sociopath Ex had married to the woman (wife #8) he talks about in his response. In July 2016 wife #6 (I was wife #7) contacted me through facebook to tell me she had heard from a neighbor that he was back at his mothers house and they were separated. The blessed marital life he proclaimed on how wonderful and great they were in the first article was not so wonderful now. Big surprise there!
    In July contact began again, a simple email for dinner. I fell and met him. It was magic, the mask was back in place on how romantic and charming he could be. It was though we had never been apart for three years, and the fact that he was now married to the woman he cheated on me for not even a thought for the evening. He had explained how he missed me, was so in love with me and always has been, and a dozen red roses to top it off like icing.
    But as always the romance was short lived. Reality set in and the games began-AGAIN.
    After 7 months of back and forth between the being “in love with me” and just caring about the wife, the happy with me for a couple of days to him having to be back with the wife as a “responsible” husband just to come back to me again. Over and Over, the pattern never changed. Both myself and the wife tolerated his behaviour. The wife of course wanted to “win” she needed her bills paid. I never depended upon him even when we were married for him to pay my bills.
    In reference to the original article…he did get rid of her car and she now drives a junk car, her family hates him including her sons which he proclaimed how they all loved him, she does have a remodelled and used him for all it was worth so kudos to her for that insight. She still had “financial emergencies” as he calls them every week that cost him money so he could never get caught up. He is ready to file bankruptcy once again. He is a truck driver and has lost two trucks, two new cars, change in banks because of her overdraft fees, all of which was all HER fault because she would not get a job to help when he was sick. Sick with a STD that nearly killed him. This from a fling he had while he was cheating on the soon to be new wife trying to get over his feelings for me as he says. Oh and did I mention he tried to use my old insurance card when paying the hospital bill.
    Yes he still states he is so responsible, has integrity, so wonderful that he can call any of his exes at anytime and any of them would come running. All three of his kids have absolutely nothing do with him, yet he is so wonderful.
    Well as I said he sucked me back into his deception, but of course as happy as it could of been (if he was a normal human being) he had to make sure it turned miserable on every holiday. Labor Day was a bust, which was also my birthday. Thanksgiving he ran back to the wife to put on the show only to call me and profess his love two days later. Christmas was to be our New Start, I was working in Tenn and he was going to come there and life was going to be wonderful. He went to the bank to meet her and within minutes I was forgotten. He was not coming to Tenn and spent Christmas and New Years with her. Six days into the New Year of course he proclaimed how he was still in love with me and she was such a liar and mess that it was me he wanted and oh how sorry he was to treat me like that over Christmas. I changed all of my phone numbers immediately, except for my company cell phone and wa la, he called it and asked “are you not going to talk to me?”
    I did resist and had no feelings for him, over the next few weeks talks began again and I gave in with hopes, just MAYBE he was being true, but as we all know it is not possible. Lies is their language.
    He is a truck driver and begged me to meet with him and go in the truck with him, he would take care of my bills and all I had to do was take care of him as he worked. Sounds so easy, but as we all know trying to keep up with their insanity is a full time job that any amount of pay is never enough.
    But I agreed, shame on me and yes I knew what the outcome would be, the same as it always is, Funny thing is it all went down on Groundhogs day, and just as the movie states, same thing in his failure of a life over and over, and always someone elses fault, never his.
    After a few days he gave me the sad story on how he needed a new mattress and refreg for his truck and dummy me bought them and organized his truck. $540 later I was under his control with nothing left in my bank account.
    He then was in contact with the wife who needed this and needed that, yet it was suppose to be over and all he had to do was file for divorce. But of course “they had business” to settle. The fight began on why he even invited me and put me in the middle of their mess of a marriage again. It turned to I always ran back whenever he called, so it was my fault. He wanted me but I was so caught up about her that I couldn’t see that and that we put him in the middle of the triangle.
    He made a fight in which ended that I had to be out of the truck at a Walmart in Tenn, no money and no way home. He did not have a care in the world other than I was bad and at fault. I called 911 which led him to be more furious. He packed up my suitcase, told the police he was tired of my mouth for three days, I was on their for a total of six and he wanted me out of his truck. Of course we had sex that morning in which he told me how much he loved me and within hours, I was a whore, he cared nothing for me or for the wife he was done with both of us and he looked forward to being back on Plenty of Fish dating site and finding the new source. Wife #9.
    He did pay me back $400 by the police advice to get me a hotel, and plane ticket. After he gave me the money he drove off like I wasn’t even there. The police gave me a ride to the airport and with the help of good friends I was able to fly home the next day, safe and sound. He changed his phone number immediately so he did not have to hear from me or my troubles there.
    I have my numbers changed again, I quit my job and soon selling my house. The only form of communication is through email and that can be easily put to spam. Which he did say no matter when I go he will find me, just as he did in the past. I will not be so naïve to think he has changed. The lies and BS and how he made wrong choices will not work again. He could of dumped me off anywhere where I very well could not of been safe and he did not care.
    After what he did to me at Christmas, I do not know why I would believe in him to go like I did.
    I will tell you that they do not change, they are not capable and yes while we may faulter and want to believe in them, we are wasting our time.
    I came home, got a new job in a new state, have a Valentine date with a trusted old friend who cares about me. Life had begun again without the control the minute I got home off the plane. I went to a wonderful lunch with my mom and went shopping. I went to a casino the next day for fun with my girlfriend. I showered in my own home and slept safe in my bed I was not longer cooped up in a truck with a control sociopath. I was happy and free and I will forever remain that way.
    He is still and always will be miserable. His wife is miserable, obviously. She can remain playing the games or feeling she has won the prize, but as she has told me “he lies to both of us”. She is well aware of what he does, the lies, the cheating and deception and her life is her choice.
    As for me, I hope this will be my last post over my experience with a sociopath. I am so thankful for the information available and for Positagirl in educating and support all persons under the control or trying to break free and finally live.

    I wish you all well and happy life. It is better and blessed on the other side of being away from the sociopath behaviour.
    Oh and yes my name is spelled differently on the internet so people can pronounce it correctly, which he still complains about how I lied over the spelling of my name, like it is a major sore spot for him, yet his only source of fight on any given day.

  14. Hi postivagirl, I am thankful for your blog, lifesaving. I just wanted to know why mine Sociopath has never ever hoovered or contacted me ? We broke up four years ago and never heard from him again.? Not that I want to but I read everywhere that they do contact you again?

  15. Hi everyone,

    It is interesting to read similar traits exhibited by our sociopaths. I will be filing a police complaint against a sociopath that called me over to his homestay for a movie and told me other people are going to be there too. When we got to his homestay around 9.30pm I asked him where the others were and he told me that they are on their way. He then said let’s put on a movie till the others get here. 20-30 mins into the movie this guy just throws himself onto me, pulls my chin and forcibaly kisses me on my lips against my consent. I then push him away and ask him what the hell was that ? He then tells me he likes me so I ask him is this how you show affection to other girls ? Then he goes like no but you should have kissed me . What is wrong with you ? I then tell him that I wasn’t attracted to him that way and wouldn’t get intimate with him to which he gets angry and tells me I’m a lesbian for not kissing him. I then feel very uncomfortable with his taunts so I ran out the house onto the road and he comes chasing after me. I find a couple and ask the guy to help me as my sociopath is chasing me. He tells him off and I call for a cab and go back home. Will be reporting to the cops this coming week.

  16. Here is a funny story for everyone about the Ex Sociopath showing back up.
    He is the charmer, flowers, getaways, chocolate, cards to sweep you off your feet and tell you of his undying love for you. How you are the love of his life, he has been married 8 times, but I was the ONE that he always loved the most-I was wife #7.
    He remarried for the standard 3 years again to wife #8 and has now filed for divorce again, on this past Friday. I left him alone, No Contact for the 3 years.
    Then we hooked up once again. Great date to catch up.
    As you know how this works out, it was a game of back and forth between me and the wife, he just couldn’t decide who he wanted in his bed most and which nite.
    The fighting and the lies pursued time and time again. In March, 2017 alone, we went away for a couple days of vacation bliss. He was so In Love and wanted me and only me.
    He wanted to buy property and us build a house. I of course could sell my house to finance the biggest part of it. He doesn’t have a house, he lives in a house provided by his mother. I was offered a job in another state and with a large salary. Oh how nice the money would come in handy to build the house and garage, of course the house HE always wanted, no necessarily the house I may want, but he didn’t care about that, as always it was about his needs and wants.

    So the text and loving talks continued even until last Weds he invited me for dinner and to stay the nite, and I did. He then told me his father was in the hospital and he had to go there all day on Thurs. He texted me a few times and talked during the day, then the fight began. He had to create a fight because he had planned to have his wife stay Thursday nite with him so they could go to the lawyer to sign the divorce papers on Friday. Of course all soon to be exes stay the nite before the divorce papers are signed. Of course for her she was hoping to reconcile, but for him he was making her go.

    So as they met, I blew my gasket and threw the roses he had bought me all over his yard, put one of his loving dated cards in his mothers mailbox in which he told her he was not seeing me and another two loving dated cards on his wifes porch. Both could then see that he had lied and was still seeing me.

    Well that set him off and of course I got the standard email, he was DONE with me and MY GAMES. He did not want me and for me to watch the paper since he had filed the divorce. blah blah and for me to stay away from him. Yet each time usually about two weeks, he has sought me out and contacted me that he was back in love with me.

    So I emailed him back and said :ok, no problem: and left it at that, nothing else said. That was Sat at noon. Last nite I get a FB message from his wife #6 telling me he’s getting a divorce and is now chasing a old gf that is in a happy relationship and has been for years. So hes trying to cause her trouble no doubt, asking her over for coffee to “talk”.

    Supposedly she is ignoring him but wife #6 says the old gf called her and told her he has been messaging her for 4 days, which means right after he went to atty with his wife for signing divorce papers he messaged her hoping she would run right to him.

    I wrote him a email and told him I got the FB message and how pathetic he was to be chasing her again and causing her trouble. He nows has wrote to wife #6 to stay out of his business, probably has told the old gf to not be telling his business to wife #6 and then wrote me to tell me he was done with me.

    Whew what drama, I wrote and reminded him he has always been the chaser, I changed my phone numbers he called my work, he changed his phone number and then he emailed me for dinner.

    My life is so much calmer and smoother when he stays out of it. What a headache just to hear his name and to see the games over and over with me, that woman, his wife and God knows who else. Beware of the dating sites, that is where he meets a lot of women to play.

    He then wrote me back to tell me once again he doesn’t not care about me, although he doesn’t want me to keep writing back. Yet that is just not who I am…lol so for 4 emails just today with me having the last word I informed him he was no longer a thought and neither was his drama. My life goes on, healthy, happy and prosperous and his remains the same.

    Somehow I win and I know I win with him being out of my life…will he ever really be out of my life? It is his pattern to show up every couple of weeks with the text or emails as I told you before..but maybe this time he means it and will stay away. His parents don’t want us together,, they don’t want him together with anyone. Now finally the wife will be out of the picture for the time being and I’m sure the old gf wont give him the time of day, and now he has pushed me aside as well.

    How old their behaviour is, just last week he was so in love, wanted to buy property, build a house, get married on the property and in less than a week he doesn’t want or care for me and he is DONE once again with me.

    The sociopath always makes it seem like its your fault and not theirs. Like you are the crazy one and they have never done or said anything to you to make you feel you even have a relationship with them. It is all lies and cons.

    I think he will finally be done with me. I have the opportunity to move away and begin a new job in a different state so my mind is occupied with other things than with his drama. And he knows that I am considering that job opportunity, so I will be gone.

    Can I get some feedback on will he finally leave me alone now or will he remain in his pattern of coming back again? Time and time again he has hated me and has been done with me. I know now that I am more valuable to him than he is to me because I will be making a ton of money and he has wants he cant afford. The difference is I have always been a bit more smarter and know his game. So the con does not take my practical sense away from me.

    I just don’t know what to expect from him now. One thing I believe this stupid stuff has to quit at some point and another side of me wonders if he ever will quit and go about his life.

    Thanks for listening and good luck to you and I hope you move on in life and refrain from their drama of coming back and forth, back and forth..where does it end?

      1. absolutely..please do. You educate so many and your mission must continue. Sadly for some the drama of the Sociopath never ends.

    1. No i think they often show back up. Even a year or two later. They do go away if you say no. Or ignore them. If you don’t you get sucked in. Or used for triangulation or reverse triangulation purposes. 😦 and they can play this game forever until they die.

      1. Sadly the original article published here about ex tracks me down after years of no contact was my story as well..Here we are again, 3 yrs later and he still shows back up. He proclaimed how happy he was and her family loved him has all changed.

        As my new story states, he is now divorcing, he wanted her to chose between him and her kids, she told him she wanted the “fantasy” life of having her husband and her kids in her life. Is that really a fantasy or is that a real desire for a happily married woman to have? For the Sociopath, he can not have the competition of kids vs him. In turn the kids despised him and were forced to have limited access to their mother, or to sneak to see her when he wasn’t around.

        She does not have her car she did, he got rid of it and she now has a older, junk car that isn’t even safe. He forced her to go into his semi with him but after awhile on the road, she missed her friends and family and got out of the truck. He of course did not like that. So he forced her to get a job, night-turn and mostly weekends. How convenient that was for him to cheat.

        He monitored all the money, even down to when she took $20 out without asking to buy her and her son a pizza. He blew a gasket because he may have needed that money, and secondly why was she spending “his money” it to feed her “fat ass” and her “worthless son”.

        She did keep her house, he had remodelled it, but of course that was just one more thing to hold over her head on how much he had done for her. He did get her taxes paid as well. After awhile I think she figured out how to use him just as much as he did her to get what she wanted. He promised her a better life and no a day went by that she did not remind him of that.

        In the end, she quit her job as a last ditch effort to hold on to him and promised to go back into the semi with him. He refused, of course he was chasing me and loved the fact that we both knew about the other. I once told her he lies to both of us and she agreed. But to him, it was such a thrill to his ego that he had felt he was in the middle of us. Yet it was of course he was putting us in the middle of his sickness.

        I did not feel bad about her failed marriage, of course when he cheated on her in our marriage, she had no feelings of my marriage. So maybe I did feel a bit of revenge and Karma for her that he was back wanting me over her. She felt it as well. Although she certainly didn’t like being the wife and having her husband cheat. But she was fine with her being the other woman in my marriage.

        She would refer to me as the “whore”. How quickly she forgot when I was married to him, she was the whore. And even more so now she was a whore because he had to pay her bills, her debt for sex even though she had the “wife” title. Marriage means absolutely nothing to him. After eight times and most of them only lasted a total of three years, her time was up.

        They do return. He has no more and probably less than he did when I first met him. He and his “wife” had filed bankruptcy again. I think this is the fourth time for him and his wives. Yet he learns no lessons and of course its the woman fault. She is the one that cannot manage money. Yet he has went through new cars, three semi’s, and still ends up at the house provided by his mother.

        I was vulnerable to the charm. I had not seen even a glimpse or heard from him in the three years they were married. I regret falling for the same lies on how he continued to think of me. I had his heart and even though he was married I was always the one he loved. ALL BULLSHIT! Trust me, not a word they say is true. They know no truth. The have motives to have what you have done without them. The happiness, the freedom, even money.

        My life moved forward and he knew it. Even said he was proud of me. Of course, and now he was back with flowers and cards to make me believe, meanwhile to have a plan to take my money to build him a house and buy property he could not afford and certainly did not have the credit to finance.

        So the perfect life he portrayed in the original article was bogus. He told me it was a mistake to even marry her and he didn’t want to ..she pushed him and pushed him. He had not connection to her sexually, physically or mentally. She had wasted three years of his life. Of course, he did not see it as him wasting three years of her life.

        He swooped in and caused havoc in her life, just as he had done between me and my kids. And now he was not done with my destruction, he wanted back to finish me off. To take what I had built on my own and destroy. BUT he couldn’t do it, I was smarter and wiser to his game this time. I was happy and secure. My life had prospered and improved and he was jealous of that. How dare I have a life and go on without him while he was still so miserable with the choices he made in marrying her.

        You can overcome there ridiculous nature. They will want your empathy and sympathy, meanwhile they are calculating your demise and how to destroy you, then laugh at your weakness and pity.

        Move on, don’t waste one more day in thinking of them. It will end up the same. I wasted a few months again and I have passed by a awesome man who wanted to date me and treat me right just to look back at the sociopath and be treated with disrespect and evil.

        Please see my story and learn. They are sick, pray for them but above all else let them go. Move forward and appreciate your life, you are worth it, your family is worth it. You can have it all and be happy, but you will never have peace with the sociopath. Their promises mean NOTHING.

        The boomerang of the sociopath does happen. Catch it and burn it, don’t throw it back to keep it coming back. Dispose of it before it disposes of you, because they will, they will dispose of you again. Your better than that and you deserve better than that.

        Bless you and remain strong.

    2. @Genie, I know we all want at least give to our SP a lesson…but the reality is that it doesn’t matter, it will be just another proof that we are playing their game and that we are the insanes one. The only way to avoid any other contact from them is to maintain No Contact. And that means change our phone number, our email, our FB name and privacy settings, stop contact with the exes and stop looking at what are they doing. I spent a lot of my time with these kind of conduct after he left me for the eight or tenth time…it is always a routine with me and his exes, as we are his personal harem. Then I realized that all the insanity he is bringing to our life, mine and our girl, was not because I love him, but because I love the adrenaline and rush that all the drama bring to what I mistakenly called a boring and simple life. I put a stop to all of the insanity and at last after a 20 year on and off relationship, at last I’m free. So please, stop any contact.

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